Michigan State - Issue 9 - 3/13/2014 by The Black Sheep

Vol. 10, Issue 9

The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

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E... IN Y LIKE T OUR HE BEE GREE R... N

3/13/14 - 3/19/14

TO STORM THE COURT, OR NOT? MSU STAFF WROTE THIS

The now infamous “Drunk UC Santa Barbra Bro” has highlighted improper, reckless, and completely unnecessary court-storming in college basketball. Granted, that bro-with-the-flow’s drunken solo mission to take on the opposing team’s coach was the worst-case, court-storming scenario. When your No. 8 squad beats a No. 4 seed, there’s really no reason to storm the court unless you’re deep into March. Like, surprisingly deep. As the tourney progresses, use The Black Sheep’s reference guide on how to spot the dance’s big dogs and who is just happy to be there.

RANKS RULE:

One of the most important factors in determining justified courtstorming is seed, and seed difference. Once ranks develop into seeds, those seeds are planted in your TV and you do nothing but watch them grow and die for weeks. If a 2-seed or better is spilled by a Cinderella 7 or above, storm away hooligans! If both teams are seeded 4 or better the shock factor drops—court-storms are warranted on buzzer-beaters only in this case— real money shots. This spontaneous eruption of blissful fanfare is better than sex*. *If you’re in attendance and have mediocre sex.

OVERTIME, OVERTURNT:

The extra pressure of OT, or multiple OT, adds drama exponentially. In this case, seeding is much less relevant. It’s OT baby, time to see who’s really trying to put a ring on it. If OT turns to 2OT or longer, court-storming is all but expected. Regardless of seeding, fans should be rabid, dehydrated lunatics at this point in the game, medically diagnosed as March Madness. Get those sweaty bodies on that court and celebrate.

ELITE? STAY IN YOUR SEAT:

An overarching exception to the aforementioned cases involves being an elite program. How can you distinguish an elite program? First check to see if the team is sponsored by Nike. If so, then check to see if that team is OSU or Oregon. If so: not elite. Statistics are also a good reference point. If a school has done better in the NIT than in the Big Dance: not elite. If the school has more Final Fours since 2000 than any other school: Spartan-elite. In the case of elite teams, fans should remain seated until March begins to turn into April.

CINDERELLA STANDARD:

If a Cinderella team is blowing through the tourney and causing average blood pressure to rise nationally, their fans deserve to dance on the court. However, a true Cinderella team never leaves the ball early, and balls out on opponents until at least the Elite 8. Only then can the underdog faithful flock to the hardwood. Harsh, perhaps, but Sweet Sixteen Cinderellas are about as cute as Cinderella herself.

As you navigate the zombie apocalypse of brackets and basketball that is March in America, use this as a reference to determine whether or not a court-storming is sanctified. Those who don’t take note of whether or not a team respects the court and its legacy are doomed to pick teams with bad court karma. Don’t believe in court karma? Ask Izzo why his players kiss the S. Good luck, and always respect hardwood.

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WHO WILL BE IN THE NCAA FANTASTIC FOUR?

ANONYMOUS SPARTAN SEX STORIES

ST. PATTY’S ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

A GIRL WHO DOESN’T CARE ABOUT B-BALL TELLS US WHAT WILL HAPPEN THIS YEAR.

WE ASKED YOU TO SEND US QUESTIONS ABOUT DOIN’ IT AND YOU DID... AFTER MIDNIGHT.

THE APOCALYPSE HIT EL ON ST. PATRICK’S DAY, AND YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE.

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_MSU • theblacksheeponline.com

WORD, MAN

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MALPROPOSITION

GUESS THE MASCOT

@BLACKSHEEP_MSU

An offer made to another party with ulterior motives clearly in mind. The theater majors ended up awkwardly studying xylem for several hours after Bert’s malproposition of, “learning biology together” was misunderstood by Karen.

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YOUR MEMES?

DO YOU KNOW THE NAME OF THIS FAMOUS MEME? TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU. FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!

TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU • FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE! LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: ALABAMA BIG AL

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AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

FROM THE TWEETS

WHAT CRAZY TRADITION DO YOU USE TO MAKE MARCH MADNESS PICKS?

CURRENT EVENTS

THE

TOP

TEN

PLACES TO WAKE UP POST-ST. PATRICK’S DAY

GARRISON RASMUSSEN WROTE THIS As St. Patrick’s Day draws ever closer to our mouths, stomachs, and regrettably, heads, The Black Sheep wants to advise you that, while it’s necessary and important to leave it all out on the floor, it is equally crucial to aim for the best place for your carcass to pass out, and in turn, wake up. Here are the ten best to shoot for: 10.) Class: You clearly were being one responsible, intelligent, and raisin-less cookie as you stumbled home to your peaceful abode and thought, “Why not save the time of getting ready for my 8:00 a.m. and instead just show up seven hours early?” Your logic will be heralded the next morning; however, your appearance and social status may falter. 9.) Bar Floor: While not the cleanest place in the world, your inner party animal clearly could not be kept in its cage for long the previous night. As you wake up with some of your hair still lightly crusted to the ground (and Sparty help you that it’s only beer), you’re already ready to continue the festivities.

WHO WILL BE IN THE NCAA

8.) The Broad Museum: Like an injured Superman you were drawn to the glowing, crystalline stature of the Broad Museum. You crept into your drunken Fortress of Solitude hoping you’d regain strength by the time you woke up. But, you didn’t. And now you’re hungover in that bright-ass building.

FANTASTIC FOUR?

7.) Your Parents’ House: Some people may consider their parents’ house as a safe haven from the evils of a hangover. Most parental housing not only comes fully equipped with fresh linens for your pukesplattered self, but it also includes a fully-functioning mom unit that will stave off judgment and make you chicken soup upon the settling of your innards eight hours later.

MOLLY BURFORD, A GIRL WHO KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT THE BASKETBALLS, WROTE THIS

6.) Someone’s Bed: Not only is the location of this bed likely closer to the bars than yours, it also is free of a cleaning requirement. And who knows, you may get lucky. As in, they may give you a blanket, a pillow, and not a cold boot out the door until morning.

Disclaimer: I am not “in the know” about basketball rules or regulations. I know that our coach is named Tom Izzo and I believe he lives in an East Lansing suburb called “Izzone.” I know that the basketball season ends in a tournament for which MSU sports fans go “mad,” and that in the final stage of said tournament, there are four spots left. These participants are called the Fantastic Four. Frankly, I find these games more boring than fantastic. Therefore, I’m proposing a more fantastic Fantastic Four for this year. If you find basketball abhorring but love talking like me, employ the following for talking points whenever drunk people want to talk sports at you. For example, if someone asks “Who do you have in your Fantastic Four Bracket Winners?” you say “I think Beyoncè is going to win it all,” thus effectively ending the conversation while amusing yourself. Without further ado, here are my Fantastic Four basketball teamsters: Michigan State Spartans: Just to say what everyone here wants you to say, Michigan State will be in the Fantastic Four... Garry Harris, who has a boyish charm, will distract all by shaving his mustache a half-inch thinner. As opponents squint to see if it is chocolate or facial hair, Gary will do slamdunks on them. There’s a player with the last name Payne, so he will cause some pain, as his name suggests. Please don’t send me hate mail for knowing this little about MSU basketball. I will drink and yell at the television regardless. The Toon Squad: They haven’t hit the court since ’96, but luckily cartoon characters do not age. Michael “MJ” Jordan may have some issues performing, though. Expect strong offense from Lola and Bugs Bunny because they have sexual tension and want to score all the time. Michael’s Hanes will be a little tight due to all the Ball Park Franks he’s been eating, teaching everyone the lesson that waistbands can only expand so far. After beating the MonStarz, the Toon Squad has the experience to be able to face the tougher teams this tournament, but they may fall short

due to Daffy Duck’s narcissism or Yosemite Sam’s tendency to shoot people. Beyonce & Lorde (aka Lorde Beyonce): Beyonce and Lorde on the same team? Two Queen B’s in one situation is a definite recipe for success. However, they may have some struggles. Lorde has issues with defense, as she is tired of being told to put her hands up in the air (so there). Beyonce, as everyone knows, is adamant about putting one’s hands up, so she picks the slack up a bit for her younger, more angsty teammate. Yet her infatuation with surfboards could prove this duo to be in the wrong sport. Will their pop culture clout be enough? Time will tell if they will be survivors, or if I’m just drunk in love with both of them. The Mystery Team: They’ve picked up a few tips from the Harlem Globetrotters over the years, so the Mystery Team will definitely be able to win in March Madness. It is unsure if Shaggy will pass the drug screening though, or if Velma will drop her glasses and thus jeopardize their chances of victory. Freddy’s ascot may cause some dilemmas because of the obvious choking hazards it poses. Luckily, the gang can always count on their bench, because Scrappy Doo is there to stir up some trouble. It will be particularly interesting when they face the Toon Squad in the Super Sweet 18 game. Will they fight? Will LeBron “LJ” James replace MJ? Only time will tell.

5.) Toilet: Waking up by the toilet shows that you were spot-on for your accuracy as to the most advantageous place to rid your body of excrement (both from that lamentable pizza slice and all of that green beer). 4.) Shower: Although the shower isn’t officially the toilet, the drunken version of yourself had the right idea in mind, as the toilet is only a short few paces away, not to mention the fact that you can clean up rather easily! Turn that knob and let the shame wash down the drain. 3.) The Steam Tunnels: We’re not condoning trespassing; however, paying twenty thousand dollars worth of tuition should entitle us to some pleasantries, and while we’re walking home at 2:00 a.m. in sub-zero temperature, what sounds more pleasant than an underground tunnel system full of steam?! 2.) McDonald’s: No, we’re also not advising you to binge eat four packs of hotcakes and sausage upon waking on the 18th. What we are advocating for, however, is the option and freedom to do so. Waking up in McDonald’s shows you were hungry when walking home. Have no fear, your rumbling tummy will be satiated once you fish your wallet out of the bathroom toilet. 1.) Spartan Stadium: As Spartans, we all have one main goal; wake up on the 50-yard line of Spartan Stadium with no recollection or care as to how you got there. You’re in the middle of the best place on campus. Kick back, crack open that last Hamm’s in your pocket, and think about Mike Sadler’s glistening buttocks while you enjoy your morning.

There you have it, basketball fans. A completely uninformed guide as to what will happen during the Madness of March this year by a girl who couldn’t care less about basketball. To all you female ballers out there: I’m sorry I let you down, but the Toon Squad won’t. Or maybe they will. For what it’s worth, I crumpled up the first three copies of this article and threw them at the trash can. I made one of the shots, so you should probably take stock in my picks.

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Anonymous Spartan Sex Stories ALEXANDRA SMITTY WROTE THIS

The Black Sheep has many reputations around campus, but one belief holds true: we’re great at doin’ it, and everyone knows it… because we tell them. We decided to let some of the more novice Spartans out there pick the brain of our Spartan Sex Stories Tumblr account manager, “Smitty”. Even though The Black Sheep is free, we know sex sells. Here are some of our favorites: Q: “I’m nervous to hook up with my new love interest because he is uncircumcised, I’ve never seen an untailored dick before. I’ll be able to cope eventually, I’m just afraid I won’t be able to keep my composure when I see it for the first time. Any tips?” – Jen, Junior First thing not to do: Google image search uncircumcised penis. There are some f’d up d’s on the internet. An uncircumcised penis is like the Loch Ness monster, you always see it in a flash before it dives into the dark depths of your vagina. Think of it as a penis with a little turtleneck sweater. When you see it for the first time try not to stare, you may scare this lay away for good. A recent survey of girls I know says uncircumcised ween is definitely awesome, and some say even better, if not more European. So just dive in deep, sea explorer! Lay your Nessie. Q: “What is the best flavor for sexy time body syrup?” – Andrew, Sophomore Maple. Make your lover your Aunt Jemima and start your day right. If you’re not talking about actual syrups, I assume you’re talking about the wonderful world of lubricants. Personal studies have shown Pure Romance Whipped is exceptional lube. It’s cream-based so none of that oily, Olin Health Center bull shit. It works in all your nooks and crannies and the best part is it tastes like icing. They say you can’t have your cake and eat it too, but they never said anything about having your cake and then having sex with it… and then maybe eating it too. Q: “Colored condoms from Olin: are they any good?” – Ryan, Freshman Does a senior shit in the dorms? Get your broke ass to the liquor store and buy some real condoms. Sure, they may make your penis look like a unicorn horn, but when it breaks do you want to spill your magical seed in your coed floor mate? Freshmen snatch those condoms up like candy out of a piñata until they learn the error of their ways. Just because something is pretty doesn’t mean you need to touch it. Or put it on your dick. Q: “What’s your best dirty talking advice?” – Mary, Junior As with everything new in the bedroom, start small. You don’t want to go into it full force on the first time screaming “RAIL ME YOU PUSSY BITCH” to your boyfriend (or girlfriend, or TA, whoever you’re talking dirty to). Start off with one of the first words you learned as a baby, “yes.” Say “yes” as if you were Travis Jackson at the Ohio State game. Now you don’t want to sound like a 283lb MSU center so put your sexy voice on, like that girl in the Herbal Essences commercial. After starting off slow, it will be smooth sailing to yelling “RAIL ME YOU PUSSY BITCH” in the bedroom, bushes, or in the library on your phone to your sext buddy.

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THE ST. PATTY’S DAY ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE MICHIGAN STATE STUDENTS CARRY ON ZOË KREMKE WROTE THIS

East Lansing, MI. — Several confirmed reports of zombie sightings in and around the vicinity of East Lansing, Michigan have surfaced this St. Patrick’s Day, causing a stir within the MSU community. The streets have been flooded with green-wearing students stumbling stupidly amidst the confusion and terror.

the day, went to high-five a particularly sickly looking student, but was greeted with several aggressive bites to his hand. Joey is now in the ICU at Sparrow Hospital. No confirmation has been received as to whether or not he has become a member of the zombie horde as of yet, but things weren’t looking good when we interviewed him.

It took too long to identify the zombies as confirmed undead, as their appearance helped them blend in with the intoxicated crowds moving from bar to bar in celebration of their patron saint. Little did the St. Patrick’s Day celebrators know that these were not, in fact, fellow students who had raged too hard. The first reported sighting of a zombie attacking a student happened at 1:00 p.m. outside of Hop Cat, near Albert and M.A.C.

Since that first attack this afternoon, several more zombie attacks on students were called in to East Lansing police.

Joey Fuerte, excited to be enjoying his first green-dyed alcoholic beverage of

Some of the students, like Junior Shelby Walsh, decided to fight back. Shelby, clad in a green tutu, was holding a sorority paddle with spikes nailed through it when we spoke to her. “My sisters and I aren’t about to lay down and take this from these zombie beasts. We’re going to fight back! We even organized our next one on one to be a zombie fighting mission instead of just the usual party.”

These bold souls went door to door in an attempt to collect blunt or sharp objects to do battle with. They also scheduled a wet t-shirt contest to raise money for the patients afflicted in the hospital. When asked to comment on these charitable deeds, Walsh said, “We just really want to do what we can. It’s awful, what’s going on. Especially on St. Patty’s Day. That’s like, a holiday here in East Lansing.” However, not all of the student population at Michigan State University shared Shelby’s view. Senior Mark Smith, among others, chose to carry on with his St. Patrick’s Day plans despite the impending Armageddon. “I just don’t see why I wouldn’t go to the bar. I’m safe, indoors, and there’s both food and drinks here. Plus, if I don’t go out, aren’t I kind of letting the zombies win? And why would I want to do that?” Mark Smith has since been bitten and infected with what has now been coined

the “Zombie Virus.” He has been put on bed rest at Sparrow Hospital, and has declined to be interviewed again. It would appear that whether students are blatantly ignoring the zombie invasion or whether they’re making an attempt at fighting back, they have decided not to stay indoors this St. Patrick’s Day. We entered Mary Mayo

Hall to find someone to interview with no luck — the dorms were completely vacant of life, whether due to St. Patty’s celebrations or zombie apocalypse. Despite thousands being taken down by incognito, flesh-eating zombies, all Michigan State students continued to celebrate in Spartan form — by wearing green, throwing back booze, and messin’ shit up.

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CELEBRATE ST. PADDY’S DAY THE MENNA’S JOINT WAY!

GREEN TORTILLAS ALL WEEKEND RECHARGE YOUR DAY OF DRINKING WITH A HOT DUB!

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All Day! $2.50 ALL MICHIGAN BEERS (Pints and Bottles) $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles, $0.75 Faygo Cans (all varieties)

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

Friday 3/14

$3 ALL DRAFT PINTS, $3 Jack Daniels, Wells, Domestic Bottles, Soco Lime, Kamakaze

$4.99 Any Sub/Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 Long Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic) 1/2 off Apps 6-11pm, Famous Friday “BOTTOMLESS” Fries w/ purchase of the Famous

Watch MSU and the B1G Tourney! $1.50 Green Pints $2.50 Founders All Day IPAs! Free small fry with the purchase of any dawg and drink (ask for it!)

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks, $2 Washington Apple Shots, Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

Saturday 3/15

$3.50 All Flavored Vodka $3.50 Captain Drinks $3 Wells & Domestics $3 Soco Lime $5 Spartan Bombs

Drink 50! $0.50 beer

All Day! $2 Domestic Bottles Not Valid on Home Game Days

$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines, $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees

Closed - Please call (517) 332-2959 for Bar Crawls Live entertainment 6 nights/week

Half off apps ALL DAY $4.50 Bloody Mary, $3 Mimosa, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels Breakfast and Beer! Add a domestic pint for $1

Watch MSU the B1G Tourney! $1.50 Green Pints $2.50 Founders All Day IPAs!

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints, $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

Monday 3/17

St. Patty’s Day! Open at 7AM!

Happy St. Patty’s! Doors Open at 7am Buffet Style Breakfast T-shirt Giveaway

Happy St. Patty’s! $2 Green Deer King of Corned Beef Food Specials

Open St.Patty’s Day! $1.50 Green Pints $2.50 Founders All Day IPAs!

Happy St Pat’s Day! Great Specials Open @ 10am! $2 Domestic Bottles, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles, $4 Featured Martinis, $2.50 Glasses of House Wine, $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

Tuesday 3/14

$2 Wells $3 All Pints $4 Pitchers of Labatt DJ Juan Trevino

NO COVER! $2.50 ALL Call Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

$4.99 Any Sub or Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 long Island Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic choices) 1/2 off Appetizers 6-11pm

2 Coneys for $2 or 24oz Keystone Light Tallboys for $2!

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No Cover! $2.50 Bud Lite and Budweiser Bottles, $2 Wells, $3 White Gummy Bears

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$1 Off Bombs $3 Fireball, Fire & Ice Shots, Rumpleminz $3 Draft Pints

SPECIAL NIGHT

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St. Patty’s Saturday! Dublin Square Irish Pub Open at 7AM! 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823

No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

$3.50DJ Beats (Front Bar) Pints of CoorsSTAR FARM Lt, Miller DJ Minze (Back Bar) Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light, $3.50 Well Liquor, DJ30 28 29 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Donnie D DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats

Sunday 3/16

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Thursday 3/13

MON: Happy St. Patty’s! Doors Open at 7am Buffet Style Breakfast T-shirt Giveaway

For More Information Contact Us: (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net $3 Bloody Marys Or Text: “Dublin Square” to $3 Mimosas 839863 for specials & updates.

$3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special

No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

$2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

AFTER 6PM... Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

AFTER 6PM...Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

All Day! $2.50 ALL MICHIGAN BEERS (pints and bottles) $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles, $0.75 Faygo cans (all varieties)

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Wines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3 Off Select Appetizers $2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

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SPACE JAM 2 LEAKED SCREENPLAY BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS After Space Jam’s newly-announced sequel was hyped to monstarnomical proportions weeks ago, it didn’t take long for the internet to do what it does best, which is intrusively hacking the everloving shit out of laptops of Hollywood execs. Here’s what we found when The Black Sheep stole—er, “discovered” a leaked draft of the sequel’s script: Space Jam 2 INT. UNITED CENTER NIGHT Montage of the 2015 NBA All Star Game in Chicago. The crowd oohs and aahs as LEBRON JAMES steals a pass and sprints down the court, throwing down his signature wide-outstretched one-handed dunk. The buzzer sounds for the end of the game. ADAM SILVER, the new NBA commissioner, comes out to center court with a microphone. ADAM SILVER Despite the tremendous

financial success of the league, we’re about to embark on a new format that will make boatloads of money. The doors to the locker room slam shut just before the players have left the court. ADAM SILVER As you can see in this fineprint clause in the recent collective bargaining agreement, “The best players in the world will stay in the United Center from now until forever, playing basketball to a sold-out crowd 24/7.” Silver transforms right before their eyes into MR. SWACKHAMMER, the cigar-smoking villain from Space Jam. SWACKHAMER uses his mystical powers to turn the players into dead-eyed basketball zombies who cannot stop playing. INT. SUBURBAN CHICAGO - DAY DERRICK ROSE groggily

sits up in bed and pushes the covers off to look at his knees, running his fingers across multiple scars. He tries to bend his legs, winces in pain and lays back down. The phone rings and he answers. VOICE D, it’s time to come back. The league needs you. ROSE I can’t. I’m finished. VOICE I know your third knee injury was bad enough to send you into retirement, but you’re the only one left who might have a chance to beat them. The voice explains the predicament with the All-Stars stuck in Chicago, and that Rose needs to assemble a team to beat them, setting the players free from SWACKHAMER’s contract. ROSE If I’m gonna have any

chance, I’ll need your help. VOICE Those days are over. I can’t help you ... but I know who can. The man hangs up the phone, and we see 6 NBA Championship rings on his fingers. BUGS BUNNY, DAFFY DUCK, LOLA, ELMER FUDD, and the whole gang of Looney Tunes show up at ROSE’s front door. He opens the door and they flood in, cracking jokes about how weird the real world is. In his kitchen, BUGS finds a bag of baby carrots in the fridge and falls in love. PEPE LE PEW grabs a bag of sliced bread. They all get to practicing on ROSE’s backyard court, and things look grim. ROSE can barely run and none of the Tunes are any good at basketball. DAFFY comes across ESPN The Magazine and discovers the world of sabermetrics. By applying the tenets of advanced statistics like True

Shooting Percentage, Player Efficiency Rating, and Percentage of Field Goals Assisted, the team quickly improves into an impressive group that plays smart, unselfish basketball. They head to the United Center and challenge SWACKHAMMER’s All-Stars to a game. INT. UNITED CENTER NIGHT In the first five minutes of the game, The Tune Squad is keeping it close, until zombie JOAKIM NOAH commits a flagrant foul on ROSE, badly hurting his knee. The team starts to give up a huge lead. BUGS calls a timeout.

bend the normal rules of reality to heal his knee instantly. Meanwhile, the Tunes have fallen behind by a huge margin at halftime.

BRIAN SCALABRINE I GOT THIS.

With his newly healed knee, ROSE leads a tremendous comeback. In the final seconds, the Tune Squad is down by two. ROSE dribbles down the court, getting through a double team with an insane crossover-spinmove combo. He drives to the hoop and takes off from the free throw line. The zombie All-Stars collapse on ROSE, trying to block his dunk. At the last moment, ROSE dishes the ball to the corner, where BUGS catches it and gains the game winning three at the buzzer.

BUGS takes ROSE to Looney Tune Land, where they can

The Tunes celebrate, and the zombie All-Stars regain control

BUGS BUNNY I have a plan, but I need someone to lead the team until halftime. Enter BRIAN SCALABRINE.

of their bodies, joining in on the celebration. SWACKHAMMER So what, now that you’ve beaten the best players, you ARE the best players! Now I have you! You have to play here forever! He starts to put his spell on ROSE and the Tunes, but just then, the Monstars come onto the court and counteract his powers, turning SWACKHAMMER into a zombie who is forced to walk around selling popcorn in the stadium forever. Watching the game from the upper deck, the man with 6 rings smiles as he takes a sip of his drink from a water bottle labeled “secret stuff.”

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the wordsearch

the month of march

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READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM Relationship Status: AntiMonogamy Major: Supply Chain Management

BARTENDER

Favorite Drink: Sex on the beach (during sex on the beach) Favorite Shot: Rumple Minze, the Bartender’s Choice Disgusting Drink: New Jersey Turnpike

ROCKSTAR

Bartenders who can do cool tricks with bottles and stuff: Yea or nay?: If the bartender is me, then yay. If it’s not me, they have to be at least an 8.5 out of 10 and coming with some serious heat. If a superhero movie was made about you, what would be the villain’s name?: The Mustache Mauler. He would go around trying to shave glorious mustaches like my own.

OF THE WEEK Bot of Harper’s

What rumor about yourself would you like to start?: I hate rumors, but here’s a truemor (a true rumor): I once convinced an undercover

cop that he was actually a civilian. He quit his job and everything. What’s your favorite oldschool slang term?: Groovy. What’s one thing you wish everyone would care less about?: Whatever book they made into a movie that teenagers are crying over these days. When was the last time you danced like no one was watching, loved like you’d never be hurt, or sang like no one was listening?: Never. I’ve danced like no one was watching since I could stand. Yoga pants: Overrated, underrated or properly rated?: Depends on the wearer, of course. In this town, they’re generally appreciated properly. In Ann Arbor, they should be banned. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I’m Kevin’s better half and the world should know.

RECIPE for DISASTER

DRINKING GAME Chickens

Guinness Cupcakes

Sitting around at a bar is always a good time, but sometimes talking about last night’s hookup over and over gets … lame. Here’s a quick and easy game you can play at a booth in the bar that doesn’t require much skill or many supplies.

St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner, and everything’s coming up green. This year, combine everyone’s favorite beer into your favorite after-dinner snack. That’s right, baby: Guinness cupcakes.

What You’ll Need: At least 2 quarters and drinks! Number of Players: 2 teams of 3 or 4 people each. Level of Intoxication: A good lil’ buzz.

What You’ll Need: 3 and 1/2 sticks salted butter, 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, 1 cup Guinness Extra Stout beer, 4 teaspoons vanilla extract, 1 and 1/3 cups granulated sugar, 1 and 1/14 cups flour, 3/4 teaspoon baking soda, 2 large eggs, 3-4 cups powdered sugar, 3-4 tablespoons Irish coffee creamer, 1/3 cup sprinkles and cupcake tin liners. Cook Time: About an hour. Fatty Factor: The alcohol cancels it all out.

How to Play: - Split up into teams and sit together on opposite sides of the table. - One team puts all of their hands under the table and discreetly passes around a quarter between them. The other team sits there and watches (no, it’s not weird). - When the team without the quarter feels ready, they yell, “Up chickens!” The team with the quarter must stop passing the coin and put their elbows up on the table, making fists. - The team without the quarter then yells, “Down chickens!” The players must slam their hands down on the table. The goal is for the person with the quarter to slam their hands down without having the coin make a clanging sound on the table. - The other team now has to try to guess which hand is holding the quarter. If there are only 3 players per team, they get 2 guesses. If there are 4 players, they get 3 guesses. The guess has to be a unanimous decision among the team, so we suggest having a spokesperson. - If the team finds the quarter, the passing team drinks; if they don’t find the quarter, the guessing team has to drink. Then it’s the other team’s turn! - Don’t cheat. Don’t hide the quarter under your leg, slide it off the table, etc. You can try to psych out the other team by faking out passes, “strategizing,” whatever. The Game Ends When: Your hands are bruised and you need more brew.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

Let’s Get Baked: - Get our your sticks of butter and leave them on the counter to soften up. - Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and a line a cupcake tin with liners. - In a saucepan, melt 1 and 1/2 sticks of butter and add in the Guinness, 2 teaspoons vanilla extract and the cocoa. After melted and mixed, remove from heat. - In a bowl, mix together granulated sugar, flour and baking soda. Then pour in the cooled - Guinness/butter mixture and the eggs one at a time. Keep mixing until they’re just combined. - Divide the batter in the cupcake tin and bake for 22-24 minutes. - To make the frosting, beat the remaining butter with an electric mixer until smooth. - Add powdered sugar, coffee creamer and remaining vanilla extract, and beat until medium thickness. Add more powdered sugar if you need to. - Frost the cooled cupcakes and shake on some sprinkles! We don’t advise trying to shove these down a beer bong.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

St. pAtty’s Day advice For the ginger male NIC KANAAR WROTE THIS For one night of the year, redheaded men aren’t the butt of every joke, or on the bottom of every woman’s “would never bang” list. It’s a day where the entire town’s main priority is to get irrevocably smashed, and your red mane could be at the center of it all. It’s a night to remember, and after ten hours of drinking, hopefully you will. Follow the tips on the next page and you’ll celebrate Saint Patrick like he would have wanted: red hot and on fire. Have a drink on us, you “Irish” bastards.

There’s one

glorious day of the year...

...when green beer and social intoxication runs rampant throughout bars across the nation: St. Patty’s Day. Not only does this day promote mind-altering, bone-crushing, party animal behavior, but it also recognizes a group of people not normally celebrated for, well, anything. We’re talking to you, male gingers of America. You deserve a break from the torments brought onto you by your tan, freckle-less, dark-haired peers, yes, you dserve a day when everyone embraces your “uniqueness.” Redheaded women have escaped the teasing that has escalated over the past ten years thanks to the likes of Isla Fisher, Kate Mara, and Jessica Rabbit, but that doesn’t mean a Ginger man can’t rule one very drunk day of the year. This redheaded writer from The Black Sheep has the tips to ensure the ginger gentleman’s St. Patty’s Day includes one hell of a night.

Go Red AND Green: Obviously you’re gonna want to wear a shit-ton of green, but be smart about it. Instead of instinctually covering up your fiery hair with some kind of hat, let your fire burn for the world to see. Everyone who notices you and your hair on St. Patty’s Day is going to assume you’re Irish, and this is the one day you don’t have to deny your potato-humping heritage. Even if you aren’t a man of Celtic persuasion, by exposing your red hair you’ll have more free beer flying at your face then you’ll know what to do with. You’ll be a St. Patty’s Day guest of honor and drunk people will want to pay you a drunken tribute. Keep that funny hat off and play the Irish role people want you to play. Becoming a novelty happens at a price, and in this case, that price is copious amounts of free booze. If you’re really committed, which you should be, put on an Irish accent to compliment your green appearance. People enjoy authenticity, so fake that shit. Girls can be suckers for a man with an accent, and what better time to try it out than on a night where people are hammered by noon? With the right amount of practice, any redhead could sound like the foreign strange every girl dreams of. Besides, you could get away with saying anything as long as you emphasize the accent. Instead of getting slapped for saying “top o’ the morning to ya, would you like to sit on my face?” they’ll assume your “Irish” ass is charming.

Don’t Forget Your Lucky Charms: If you’re going to go overboard with the outfit and go full leprechaun, that’s fine too. The Black Sheep suggests you carry a small loot of fake gold coins in your pocket with your phone number etched on each one. Think about it: you walk up the bar wearing green overalls and stand next to some six-foot-tall brunette babe. Order your beer and immediately buy her a drink as well. Before she has time to thank you, flick her one of the gold coins, give her a wink and walk away with as much swagger that your green clogs will allow you. That woman will be balancing your “lucky charms” on her green stained tongue before the nights over. Speaking of props, this next trick should be done well into the drunken night. We call this one the “Green Jesus,” and it’s easy to execute. Beforehand, head to your local supermarket and purchase a small container of green food coloring. This is what most cheap bars use to give the beer that disturbing yet flavorless greet tint. Target a woman sipping on clear liquor and gather up her female friends to form a crowd. Run your fingers through your red locks and tell them all you are an “Irish Wizard.” Palm the small vile of green dye and hover your hand over her drink allowing a few drops to plummet down into the glass. Quickly pocket the dye, and give the glass a quick shake as you dazzle the crowd with some spirit fingers. As the clear rum suddenly turns green, give the female crowd a slight bow and let the bartender know he’s going to need a mop.

Your Dropkick Murphys: Another important thing to keep in mind as you head out to the festivities is the crew you bring. Like normal, keep your “Ice Man” and “Goose” close to your side as they benefit and help aid your ginger stardom, but not if they too are of the redhead persuasion. Having more than one bush fire in a group of male friends is a problem in itself, but especially during St. Patty’s Day. Multiple copper heads packed into a crowded bar brings down the rarity, thusly taking away your spotlight as you attempt to do a “jig” on a pool table in hopes of applause. No redhead has ever achieved fame by partnering up with another redhead. And no, Lindsay Lohan in the Parent Trap does not count. Make your crew of “tanners” celebrate you as well. When people see you enter a party or a bar on top of your friend’s shoulders they’ll know you’re a big deal. Have them all learn some Irish folk songs and even some Irish toasts, you’ll demand attention when your entire crew sings with green beers raised in the air. Once people see how cool having a ginger around on St. Patty’s day is, they’ll be begging to join your gang. Hang a sign off of your tallest friend that reads “no fatties” and let the selection begin. Gather up the town’s hotties and you’re crew will be the center of attention, with your shamrock ass leading the pack.

Get Her Down on your Dublin: The after party is the time to put the icing on the carrot cake. If your newly-acquainted female companion is still hesitant about sleeping with a soulless pale-face, then we have one grand finale to seal the deal. Carefully paint the seven colors of the rainbow on your pink penis for some obvious Irish fun. By decorating your crank, you’re not only showing the girl what’s at the end of the rainbow, but you’re also saying “Hey, I like to have fun.” What kind of paint do you use? We have no idea. The Black Sheep was a little apprehensive about researching penis paints, so we’ll leave that up to you, just get back to us. If the woman is repulsed by your creativeness, then pack in your four-and-a-half inch rainbow, turn off The Wizard of Oz soundtrack you put on for emphasis, and move on to the next potato groupie.

LET’S PLAY ST. PATTY’S DAY BINGO

NUDITY

GREEN BEER

SOMEONE CRYING

SOMEONE ASLEEP

STRIPED SOCKS

A COP

GREEN EGGS OR HAM

A FIGHT

DROPKICK MURPHYS SHIRT

THIS SIGN

PUKE

A DRINKING TICKET

A PADDY WAGON DRUNK OLD MAN

A BEER BONG

GREENMAN

LEPRECHAUN HAT

A WIPEOUT

A MAKEOUT

OUTDOOR PEEING

A BAGS GAME

A DRUNK ASIAN

MARIJUANA PARAPHERNALIA

INDOOR SUNGLASSES

the crossword ACROSS: 2) Jon Bon Jovi’s real last name. 4) This John was a 1930’s bank robber, there’s also a band with his name in the title. 5) A John might refer to someone who is the leader of a group of what? 8) HIs real name is Philip Clapp, the original Jackass. 9) John Cena’s primary occupation is in what? 11) Uncle Jesse, two words. 14) John Madden was the coach of this town’s team when they won the Super Bowl in 1976. 17) The “F” in John F. Kennedy.

famous jo(h)n’s dad in which sitcom. 8) John Mayer is currently dating this pop star, two words. 10) The prominent medical university, Johns what? 12) “Sittin on the John” might refer to sitting on a what? 13) Johnny Cash often sang at this prison. 13) The famous Beatle who sang “Imagine.” 16) We might know this John best as Danny Zuko.

DOWN: 1) The second president of the United States, two words. 3) This John ran against Barack Obama in 2008. 6) Johnny Depp won the Golden Globe for Best Actor in 2008 for which movie, two words? 7) John Goodman is best known for his role as the

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