Vol. 9, Issue 9
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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10/16/13 - 10/23/13
Sparty’s manifesto BY: Cody Manthei
On the banks of the Red Cedar, there’s a school that’s known to all. It’s a place where we find scholars and philosophers, but on the other end of the spectrum, the end that we Black Sheep fall into, is where you find the great hearts and hard livers. We light the path to greatness, not by the success of our academics, but by our willingness to try things that no one before us had the balls to. We are the 2.5 students, the ones sitting in the back smelling of whiskey and last night’s Menna’s. We know what it takes to make the Spartan name stick in the minds of our rivals, because our specialty is winning, and those Spartans play good ball. Spartan teams are never beaten. Let us repeat: Never. Anyone who tries to tell us different may just find himself at the bottom of our mucky river. Whether it’s on the field, in the bar, and especially in the bedroom, we exceed the expectations of those around us. We do this not by luck or any other force of nature outside ourselves (which is how most U of M students graduate), but the fact that all through the game we fight. Fight for the only colors: Green and White. Go right through for MSU, go through our gardens and classrooms and what do you find? Faces. The faces of those who pulled an all-nighter, either hitting the books or slamming the shots at Rick’s. Go right through our dorms and you’ll find someone ready with a beer and a futon to rest your feet upon. Go right through our stadium and watch the points keep growing because you know Spartan teams are bound to win. And lastly, go right through the heart of our campus where no matter what season of the year, you can still find someone puking in a bush right next to someone rushing to an exam. God, they are truly fighting with a vim! And as we sit atop our competition — which is Michigan, so we really don’t have to work hard to be up there — we scream, “rah, rah, rah!” and laugh as we clank our emerald encrusted chalices together. The celebration generally starts before the event even begins. But it’s impossible not to pregame, it’s in our blood. Some might call it a weakness, but those that do are generally pussies. Oh, and see their team is weakening, see them trying to hold each other up? Us Spartans can hold ourselves up on our own, but know that keg stands are much better with some friends. So, no matter what our field may be, we’re going to win this game. It’s not a question of win or lose for us, it’s a question of how long we want the game to last. How long do we want to stay here, slouched over our desks, waiting for 2 p.m. to hit, so we can step out into the fresh air of our campus, and hit the sidewalk with that swagger only a Spartan can have? How long do we drag out this amazing journey before we decide to move on and conquer other lands? The answer is yours to give. So everywhere you go, take a deep breath and proudly yell, “Fight, fight, rah team fight! Victory for MSU.”
page 5
page 7
page 9
Top Ten: Most-Fun Tigers (If they went to MSU)
A Day in the Life of a Politically Charged Kid
Freddie Freshman gets his MIP Pardoned
We ranked the Bless You Boys on their degree of fun if they attended MSU.
Inside the mind of that annoying kid who feels way too strongly about politics.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_MSU • theblacksheeponline.com
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@blacksheep_msu 04
House Hunters
The
Top
East Lansing Ten
Most-fun Tigers (If they went to MSU) By: Alex Everard
Proud Michiganders once again find ourselves in the glorious month of October, filling our autumn bellies with pints of craft beer and pizza while watching the Tigs march through the postseason. Now, although baseball is deemed excruciatingly boring to most during the regular season, postseason baseball is quite the opposite. It’s like regular baseball is 8:30 on a Friday night and playoff baseball is 11:30 on a Friday night—seemingly similar, but really not at all the same in terms of “fun”. Despite the fact that none of the Tigers went to MSU, we ranked them on a scale of “most fun” if they did. 10.) Jhonny Peralta: Okay, so J-Honny did a little bit of juicing. Everyone in the MLB is less than one degree of separation away from some form of performance-enhancing substance anyway. If Peralta went to MSU, you bet your ass he would be the guy calling “elbow” on the tall kid in a basement beer pong game. Anything to win—seriously, anything. 9.) Max Scherzer: This guy gets on the list simply because his nickname is one of legend. “Mad Max” is at the party? Hell yeah I’m going. Who just went 21-3 in darts at the bar? Mad Max. Who just challenged Bruce the Horse Cop Horse to a race and somehow struck him out while winning? Mad Max. 8.) Torii Hunter: They say there’s no “I” in team, but there are two in Torii Hunter’s name. A true solo star. If Hunter went to State, you could find him leaving Rick’s with three girls per every vowel in his name. Who wouldn’t want to party with that guy? 7.) Andy Dirks: Say what you will about Dirks— he’s “not that good,” he “can’t really hit,” whatever. Dirks brings the crazy-white-boy mentality to the squad and you never know when he’s going to do something completely awesome or completely stupid, both solid aspects of a night on the town in East Lansing.
By: Brendon White *Knock Knock*
superiority as an independent upperclassman.
“Hi, are you living here next year?”
2.) Main Floor: “Look, but don’t touch. I just steam cleaned the upholstery and I don’t need your sweaty hands fingering my couch pillows.” Continue with crude comments and senseless statements. “Here’s the kitchen, douchebags. The cabinets are smaller than Brady Hoke’s dingdong, and the fridge smells like the man himself after a hot night of passion with Devin Gardner.”
“…No,” you reply exhaustedly as you slowly open the door wider to reveal a gang of freshmen guys. “Well do you think we could take a peek at your digs?” You shut your eyes in hopes that they will vanish, and all of this was simply a Flaming Hot Cheetos-induced hallucination. You open your eyes. No luck. “Yeah, sure, come on in,” is all you manage to choke out. Don’t they know you had big plans to watch America’s Next Top Model before your roommates got back? The trio of inexperienced mouth breathers begin to invade your TV room, bombarding you with dumbass questions like, “Does the furniture come with?” and, “Where’d you get this poster?” You pray to God that they will be swift with their tour, but you can tell by the puzzled looks on their naïve faces that you have to make a quick decision: Do you give them a regular tour which could last a life time, or take them on a painfully awkward expedition that would surely get them out of your hair, and out of your house? You choose the latter, and for that we salute you. Follow these carefully laid-out steps and you’ll surely get rid of these house hunting swine in no time. 1.) Introduction: “Ok, dickheads, listen up. Let’s get this shit going, I have water on the stove and my mac and cheese ain’t gonna make itself.” Make sure to be very hostile. The only way to get out of this sticky wicket is to be as rude as possible. Use name-calling throughout the tour de shithole; it is crucial, and reasserts your
3.) Top Floor: “Here are the bedrooms you smug little sluts. They’re all small, and filled with regrets. You smell that boys? That’s the sickly scent of broken dreams.” Make sure you go into disgusting detail about bad experiences and failed sexual experiments. We know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes. Definitely bring up that one time you tried “The Shocker” on a girl and she donkey kicked you in the face. 4.) Basement: “Okay, you douche lords. I saved the best for last. Follow me into the dungeon.” Like most basements in EL, it’s unfinished, damp, and infested with insects that even Bear Grylls wouldn’t eat. Take your unwanted guests into the Chamber of Secrets and tell them horrifying ghosts stories about previous owners. Example: “CRMC told us that the previous owners of this house had an illegal tenant who lived down here. Legend has it, he became a shut in and when move out day came they couldn’t find him. But every now and then you can hear him moaning about how rent is too damn high, and sometimes you can see his shadow while doing laundry.” If followed to a tee, these steps should be your ticket to a swift tour. Word may even spread about how your house is haunted. More than likely, though, word will spread about how you’re the biggest piece of shit on the block. Either way, view it as a win as you settle into your futon to watch all those DVR-ed episodes of Top Model with your mac and cheese.
6.) Austin Jackson: A-Jax would definitely be that bouncer friend — always working yet enabling everyone else to have a good time. You don’t notice his routine outfield catches or his routine-lettingyou-in-with-no-cover, but he saves the god damn day in the end. 5.) Don Kelly: How did he earn the nickname of #DKB (Don Kelly Bitch, for you rookies) on Twitter? Because he’s clutch as hell and doesn’t give a shit the rest of the time. Imagine running out of booze at 1 a.m. only to have DKB stumble through the door without invitation, holding six handles and (somehow) four pairs of titties. Yes. 4.) Prince Fielder: We couldn’t leave out Fat Cat Prince. Had Fielder gone to State, Burgerama would no longer be in existence. Actually, neither would Pizzapalooza, Half-off Harper’s, Half-off Dublin, or any other discounter food and drink special night in East Lansing. The guy ate a fan’s nachos during a game. 3.) Miguel Cabrera: The man, the legend. Miggy has since sobered up, but a 19 year old Cabrera in East Lansing would have been lethal. He would’ve won the Triple Crown every weekend: highest batting average (with women), most home runs (with women), and most beers-batted-in (with his mouth). 2.) Justin Verlander: The guy eats Taco Bell before every game, then dominates. He’s basically in college as it is. JV would have been the ultimate bro. For every night he wanted to go lights-out-black-out at the bar, he would also be down to bail on the bitches and make a Cheesy Gordita run. 1.) Jim Leyland: It’s safe to say that Skipper has partied more in his lifetime while managing to make large sums of money than any of us could ever hope to. He’s a chain-smoking, long haired, all-American badass. Jim Leyland is the type of guy to drink you under the table without saying a word, light up a cig, then walk a straight line home.
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A Day In The Life of A
Politically Charged College Kid By: Zoë Kremke
I was walking down the Red Cedar, living my life, when I saw a Bush-Cheney 2004 bumper sticker affixed to the underside of the MSU Library’s bridge. It took everything I could not to vomit all over the nearest passing squirrel. Ignorant fools, how could you ever have dared to be in possession of such a revolting sticker, much less have had the audacity to stick it on a publicly viewed spot? Really, people these days. Luckily, I packed my Goo Gone which I keep on my person at all times just for these sorts of incidences. Scratching at the bumper sticker, shaking my head, I happened to glance at a few passersby crossing the bridge. “Well, I heard that the government shutdown is because of Obama,” one, prissy, ponytailed knownothing spouted off. “Really? Because I thought it was the Republicans’ fault? But I guess that could’ve been the whole nuclear weapons thing, too…” Her friend, a yogapants-wearing idiot, replied. I groaned loudly, so as to ensure their attention. I waved my bottle of Goo Gone in the air as I screamed at them, “You swine! Your opinions are invalid! Don’t you know anything about anything even remotely related to politics?” Their shock was evident, and the tension in the air was palpable. I threw both hands into the air, realizing that explaining the complexities of the American political system was so not worth my precious time, as I stormed off, Bush-Cheney bumper sticker in hand. After properly disposing of the waste of space that was the bumper sticker, I entered Wells Hall for my class. It was a two hundred-person lecture on political science, and I dreaded the inane “facts” that our professor would be shoving down our throats today. I sat in the front row, directly in front of the podium, staring my prof down with
such intensity she looked visibly uncomfortable. I smirked, chuckling at her weakness. She started by talking about bicameral congress, and the pros and cons of such a system. I laughed loudly in her face, because everything she was saying was simply so childish. “Oh, so you think that Congress has their shit together? God, is everyone at this forsaken university just taking the information given to them by the government with a silver spoon? We should be more like France!” I could feel my blood boiling under my skin, that itchy, sweaty feeling of frustration settling deep within my balls. “I’m afraid that doesn’t even make any sense,” my baffled, bewildered professor sputtered. “Oh, doesn’t it?” I crossed my arms, sticking out my jaw in the most confrontational stance I could possibly take. “No, it doesn’t…” She trailed off, looking over her notes. “I don’t think you actually know what you’re talking about.” I rolled my eyes. She obviously had no clue what “Congress” or “politics” is even suppose to mean in this country. I’m the only one with any hint of intelligence. I leaned over to make this exact point to the honey sitting next to me, who looked as repulsed as I was by what I can only assume was this moronic excuse of a lecture. “I’ll show you my bicameral system, sweetheart,” I said suavely. “God, that doesn’t make any sense either!” she groaned before grabbing her bag and storming out. And to think I was going to show her my extensive collection of government startup plans that I keep in a storage unit off campus. Her loss.
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The Bar Grid
January 2010
Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.
SPECIAL NIGHT Thur. 10/17 Fri. 10/18
FRIDAY: Free Cover! Daily Specials: $2.50 Beers, Pints,Wednesday Wells Monday 9pm-Close $2.50 - Pints $2.50 Washington Apples, $2.50 – Call Drinks Johnny Vegas, Soco Limes, Tuesday 9pm-Close 6 $2.00 – Well Drinks Kamikazes $3.00 – Premium Drafts $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Sunday All Day $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs
Thursday
31 of Guinness, 1 Harp, Smithwicks 2 $3 Pints DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village and Bass, $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) Bushmills, John Powers, 7 8 9 $3 Wells, Half-off Potato Skins, Irish NaDJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds chos and Chicken Thumbs DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
13
Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events 20 B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!
14
15
28 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
9pm – Close Every Day ½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings
29 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
WEDNESDAY: $1.75 House-Brewed Pints, $2 Shots, $2.25 Cocktails, $0.25 Boneless 1oz Wings, $4 Medium & $7 Large Cheese Pizza, $3 Burgers No Cover - Live Entertainment!, Live Music + DJs Starting at 6PM!
16
Ladies DJ Beats (Front Bar) Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $2 Coors Light, 21 22 23 Miller Lite, Labatt DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM and Bud Light Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3 Bud Light Platinums DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
27
Free Cover! $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells $2.50 Washington Apples, Johnny Vegas, Soco Limes, Kamikazes
Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Friday (except: Saturday Everyday! Wed.)
Thirsty Girl Thursday! $2.25 Wells and Beers Live DJ
30
Thursday: No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs $2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots
DJ Beats
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Sat. 10/19
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Sun. 10/20
Harper’s Half Off Wednesday The Lowest Prices In East Lansing
$3 Bloody Marys $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special
Sunday Funday! $2.00 Pints open til 7 ½ off Adult Beverages & Pizza 7-close $4 Medium/$8 Large Pizzas
BEAT PURDUE!
Specials Run Open to Close Monday - Sunday! Go Green! Go White!
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
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Mon. 10/21
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$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light, $2 Wells
No Cover! $3.00 Burgers $2.00 Pints 7 til close
$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Blue Shots
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
Tues. 10/22
Book Harper’s & RUSH For Fundraisers, Meet and Greets, Barcrawls!
$2 Wells $3 All Pints $4 Pitchers of Labatt DJ Juan Trevino
Free Pizza Rama! $3 Quesadillas No Cover - Guest DJ! 7pm - Close: $2.00 Wells, $3.50 Well Doubles, $10.50 Buckets of Corona
NO COVER! $2.50 ALL Call Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Wines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3 Off Select Appetizers
No Cover! $2.50 Bud Lite and Budweiser Bottles, $2 Wells, $3 White Gummy Bears
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
Wed. 10/23
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1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino
$1.75 House-Brewed Pints, $2 Shots, $2.25 Cocktails, $0.25 Boneless 1oz Wings, $4 Medium & $7 Large Cheese Pizza, $3 Burgers No Cover - Live Entertainment!, Live Music + DJs Starting at 6PM!
Thur. 10/24
Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!
Ladies Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, $2 Coors Light, Miller Lite, Labatt and Bud Light Drafts $3 Bud Light Platinums
Thirsty Girl Thursday! $2.25 Wells and Beers Live DJ
No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs $2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
Freddie Freshman
Gets His MIP Pardoned By: Andrew Rickerman President Obama, Freddie Freshman here. I always envisioned our first encounter happening under different circumstances, like you congratulating me on a dominating and equally disturbing victory in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, or maybe shaking my hand after accepting a Pulitzer for my best-seller, “You Look Good for a Stinky Broad.” I really had high hopes for this. Unfortunately, though, I come to you in a time of need. I got MIP’d, and I need a pardon. Now, before we get into the nitty-gritty details of how I was served this social-life-killing misdemeanor, I have to explain why I was in such a situation in the first place. Like many men before me, generations upon generations ago, guided by blind optimism and an unrelenting boner, I ended up facedown on Grand River with an officer’s knee in my back and blood on my lip. All because of one thing — a girl. Not just any girl. She’s that girl. We all know who she is. The one with the dirty blonde hair that’s tousled just right, with her perky breasts, smooth stomach, and immaculate ass that hangs above her long, athletic legs. Each are enough to cause a car crash individually, but when thrown together in proportional perfection, more lives are at stake, especially those of your little swimmers. And, Barack, I’m not talking about the Olympic team. Her name’s Jen. Or maybe Lauren? I’ve never officially met this girl, unless you count uneasy stares from across the Brody cafeteria, or repeatedly walking by her open door to experience what her dorm
room smells like. Nevertheless, I love this girl. I love her as much as a guy who’s never met her can, which in my opinion is the strongest, purest form of love there is. Because I only know the obvious, and not what’s underneath, like how she bases her life off Pretty Little Liars and thinks that Africa is one big country. I’m really hoping that’s not the case, but geographical ignorance doesn’t exactly affect my libido, either. All right, I’ll set the scene. Gunson Street. House Party. After getting thrown out of two previous parties for “acting weird,” my friend and I slunk inside in hopes of snagging some free booze. One benefit of having a crew that consists of one other person is that we generally go unnoticed, and when you’re in the business of stealing alcohol for underage consumption, that’s a good thing. What, you want me to try and buy the stuff? I’m not an idiot. We slammed anything we could get our hands on and continually lied about who we knew there. Satisfied and sauced to oblivion, we stumbled out the front door, and there she was, the girl I didn’t know, my girl. She was bawling in the street as an officer overlooked her ID. I had to do something. This was my moment. So, like any man who’s desperately in love, or simply breathing, I did something stupid. I picked up a loose brick from the side of the house and hurled it into the night sky and it came down with a crash through the squad car’s windshield. I stood paralyzed for a moment, and then, trying my best not to sound 18 years old, screamed, “Catch me if you can, you fat fuck!” And with that I was off, panting, sweating, and dry
heaving down the street. Unfortunately for me, I was considerably drunker and fatter than that “fat fuck.” I made it two blocks before we came crashing down to the asphalt, feeling the bite of the cement against my face. What can I say? I’m a romantic. I’m sure you did something similar to win over Michelle (nice going, by the way). We’re really one in the same when you look at it. Granted, your courting probably didn’t involve damaging police property. This was my version of giving her flowers and taking her out to dinner, so, can we get this taken care of? Sincerely, Freddie Freshman
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The Science Behind
Swearing
By: Jack Harder
While thousands of dollars go into taking irrelevant classes, Michigan State’s students are much more inclined to spend their time investing their money in a different, more useful network of learning – MSU’s stateof-the-art, infallible Wi-Fi network. Sites like Twitter are far more valued and accessed than our beloved LON-CAPA. Recently, random Twitter accounts have been asserting that frequent use of profanity implies a more truthful, loyal individual. Knowing full well that Twitter is the ultimate source of truth, The Black Sheep has decided to fully endorse this tidbit of information. Swearing makes you a better person, you say? We call not bullshit. The Black Sheep always keeps it 100.
be pulled into question. We are primarily referring to The State News, who have literally never used the word “cockwaffle” in any article, ever. Assumption? Sure, and it’s a rather bold one, as we, nor anyone we know, has ever actually read an article published in The State News.
First we need to point out the consequences this breaking news has on YOU. Think of all of the “formal” people in your life here in East Lansing. These are the people you have to watch out for, as their trustworthiness and loyalty must now
Good thing we’re here to offer you some food for thought.
Swearing makes people notice you, especially sexually. Remember, we live by the motto: if she swears like a sailor, she shags like a stripper. Also, a “dayum, girl” will get you much more attention than a “Hi, my name is Sam and I’m an engineer!” However, be careful in enunciating, because just saying damn implies that you’re witnessing a shit-show. “Dayum” is old Miley, “Damn.” is new Miley. Never forget.
Curse tastefully, and don’t be afraid to belt it out in public. Time alone with your friends is not the time to let out
Don’t underestimate the power of a wellplaced “bitch”. You want to imply that you’re in complete control of whatever
Additionally, we should all keep a watchful eye out for the sober President Simon. While this is a very rare site to see, a Lulu without her flask is never up for any “funny business.” She runs her university with an iron fist, scolding students for saying stuff like “crud,” and “poppycock.” We know this is a shock, but Sober Simon is no nonsense.
all that bad language within you, but rather, it is time to practice for the real world. Experiment with new words and meanings – how else would you find out that “dickweasel” is the perfect word to describe Chip in your accounting class? Do you even want street cred? Get a real job.
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situation you’re presented with, and nothing is more effective than this method. For example, when a man hears “swerve,” it’s a challenge to keep pursuing a target that is clearly playing hard to get. When the same man hears “swerve, bitch,” he simply hears that he is a bitch. Society has taught us that swearing is crude. This is false. Swearing is awesome. Scientifically, it is classy. At Michigan State University we show our true colors through our very colorful language – which is one of the premier aspects of this university that set us apart from every other bitch ass institution of higher learning. Companies want the personable, honest, and moderately
hard-working employees that Spartans embody, not the obsequious ass-kissers they breed at the University of Michigan. Wolverines will always remind you that their degree is more sumptuous than yours, but in reality, they use words like “sumptuous” so really they’re just a bunch of limpdicks. Start a job interview with a wink and a “’Sup, dick?” to let your future employer know that your balls-deep demeanor is dripping with profit. This will have him or her mesmerized and dripping for a chance to sneak in a lunchtime quickie. After all, that’s what Spartans do best. We out. Bitch.
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Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Taken Major: Advertising Favorite Drink: Founder’s Reds Rye Favorite Shot: Rumple Minze Disgusting Drink: Prairie Fire What is the first Halloween costume you remember wearing as a child?: Fairy with the tutu and wand made from tin foil. What do you think will be this year’s most overdone costume?: Miley Cyrus or slutty animal.
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What’s the most offensive Halloween costume you’ve ever seen?: Dick in a Box.
What’s the most overrated Halloween candy?: Candy corn. What’s the most underrated Halloween candy?: Chewy caramel squares. What will you name your bestselling memoir?: The Ferret Lady Where are you hiding the evidence?: Under my pillow. Who would you invite to your threesome with Jeff Goldblum?: Mark Wahlberg. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s funny as shit.
Recipe for disaster Drinking The Black Game Sheep Interviews: T-Zank Bottle Bobbing
Fall French Toast
By: Brendan Bonham
I might be able to do this for a Taylor Zank, better known as and how to arrange patterns Halloween parties when you wereover a little kid were thesame best—all the candy livingand if I goodie put thebags workand into it. I beats is the as spitT-Zank, is an up-and-coming sweet zombie own while in college, but don’tasexpect to as tinghost raps.your It definitely correlates evolved I grewpeople into myself Midwest rappercostumes. known toYou spitcan still befire entertained hoursHe’ll with Raceme anddevelop Pin the Stem on the Pumpkin. Here’s a lot, andWrap it helped an artist. hot from timefor to time. bethe Mummy a twistThe on Loft the typical bobbing challenge. my faster Midwest pace. playing on October 18th. for apples TBS: What does it mean as a We spoke to him about what it’s What You’ll Need: bucket, blindfolds, a small bowl, strips hip-hop of paperartist and 20-30 to putmini the work TBS: You’re a “conscious” hiplike to work your wayAuplarge in the bottles into it? hop artist. What does that rap game.of alcohol Why do you choose to T-Zank: I’ve had songs where I Number of Players: As many as mean? you want! hear a beat and have the lyrics yourself that way? The Black Sheep: How’d youget label Level of Intoxication: You’ll a good buzz going. twenty minutes later. I’ve had get started rapping? T-Zank: I label myself as a conscious artist because I bring songs that I’ve been editing T-Zank: I’ve making hip-hop for How to Play: It depends on my an educational my andfor five years now, but been - Get a giant tub, likeI’ve a Rubbermaid container orfactor a keg with bucket, fillmonths. it with water. music, I like to bring socially mindset, but also what’s going involved with music playing - Lay down some towels in your living room or on your patio and put the bucket down. conscious into my songs, on in the world. If something’s guitar andall things of that - Dump of your mininature alcohol bottles intotopics the tub. happening in the political realm for my whole life. I’ve been into as well as the belief as the indi- Decide who’s going first and have them put a blindfold on. They have to dip their head I might make something darker, conscious old-school style of vidual. I like inspiring people to into the bucket, grab a bottle with their mouth and bring it back up. if it’s summer maybe it’ll be hip-hop and new-age style of do things that they didn’t think - Fill a small 10 and strips of paper, 5 marked “trick” and 5 marked “treat.” more chill. they can do. hip-hop sincebowl high with school, After someone bobs for a bottle, have them pull a piece of paper from the bowl. If it says about the time college started I “treat, ” they keep bottle If athe papera says “trick, ” they givedaily the bottle to do TBS: What struggles TBS: Was this choice, natuwas freestyling withthe friends justfor themselves. someone else for them drink. ral Putevolution? the paper strip back into the bowl. you go through as someone for fun before taking it to atonew - Make the drinks hisT-Zank: or her It’s bottle before the next person. to make a name on the a little bit ofmoving both. I’dontotrying level. I’vesure came outperson with several - Go until everyone has had a turn, stopping each person to pull ascene? sheet of paper, projects since then. always listenedafter to artists that hip-hop distribute the bottle and drink. would bring a message and T-Zank: The biggest thing is developing your own craft and have a unique wordplay. When TBS: How does previous expethat you I started was Or always about rience with non-hip-hop muThe Game Ends When: All the bottles areitgone! just go back tostyle the so liquor storestand and out getin the industry. Then, there’s a million listening to and enjoying the sic prepare you for hip-hop? some more. They’re only like $2 anyway… T-Zank: Playing guitar helped music while replicating doing things to know about the music industry. I can’t stress enough what they were doing in our me develop the flow and the getting to learn the business musical technicality of the own way. I had a realization one day when I was freestyling that behind the scenes. You could words. Basically, learning notes
download our free app for all the games!
be a great rapper, but if you The onewith thingother that people every kid misses about home is having meals prepared for them. We’re talkcan’t interact good meals,you’re not some in theing music industry, not dining hall dinner surprise. Here’s our recipe for pumpkin french toast you can let cook overnight so it feels like Mom’s slaving away in the kitchen when you wake goingthat to go anywhere.
up.
TBS: How much is success perWhat You’llnot Need: Crockpot, loaf of bread, 15 oz. can of pumpkin puree, 6 eggs, 1 cup of forming versus getting milk, 1/2 cup of brown sugar, 2 teaspoons cinnamon and 2 teaspoons vanilla extract. screwed over? T-Zank: 80%Time: of becoming Cook 6-8 hours an artist Fatty is networking, building Factor: If you throw up a lot the night before, it won’t matter. connections, talking to people, learning what Let’s Getpeople Baked:are looking for and up adjusts yourofstyle - Dice your loaf bread into small cubes and place ‘em inside the crockpot. why trying to stay unique while - In another bowl, mix together the remaining ingredients. producing you be-the bread with purpose, so I go nuts on T-Zank:inIt’s The sure - Poursomething the mixture over theamazing, crockpot,man. making theabread is well-coated. lieve in. stage. about it is linking up - Let the French toast cook inbest thepart covered crockpot overnight on lowI believe heat. in it and it’s my a graphic artist who works 30 minutes passion, so have too to show the - Before eating it, take the lidwith off of the crockpot for about if itI looks moist. TBS: Your “Stay Up” video won audience that whatsyrup, I’m saying is with aany camera, thenyou working Scoop out your portion and add toppings want, like whipped cream, etc. Coast2Coast Mixtapes video together to capture the visual really what I believe in. submission. What kind of op- experience and meaning you’re “HEY MOM! French toast! We want it now!” portunities doesThe this afford looking for in a video. TBS: How do you interact with you on a larger scale? the crowd? T-Zank: It’s a milestone for right TBS: You’re touring on your T-Zank: I’m always fully interacnow. It’s everyday business, alnew album, Fresh Air, what tive with the crowd. You’re gomost that I expected to win it. makes a good, live hip-hop ing to see me thrashing around You have to assume you’ll do the stage being into the mushow? bigger things if you want to do T-Zank: I think you have to feel sic. You’re going to think, “He bigger things. It’s a motivating that passion. You have to be doesn’t look like a rapper, he factor to keep going, to stay up. able to bring the energy level isn’t going to be very good,” but for the kind of music you make. I I’m going to go out and go unTBS: What was making this make a lot of energetic bangers believably hard. video like for you?
nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com
The Top 10
Awful, Unfunny Twitter Accounts Your Dumbass Friends Are Following (and How to End Your Friendships With Them) Part Two The final round of awful is here. Last week, we recapped some of the most awful accounts twitter has to offer. Today, we get to the toxic waste dump that is the five worst accounts on twitter. Try not to gag.
Read Part 1 Online at
Theblacksheeponline.com
Dishonorable Mentions:
@TotalSratMove • @_DosEquisMan, @FauxJohnMadden • @The_HelenKeller, @ItsBadLuckBrian • @SenTedCruz
5. @NotBillWalton
WORST of the WORST
4. @RealAlexJones
3. @FillWerrell/@ItsWillyFerrell/Any other Will Ferrell-based account
WORST of the WORST
This isn’t even trying to be Bill Walton. Just direct people to who you really are, and no one will care. Or they shouldn’t care, because you’re just a dude. @NotBillWalton is a self-proclaimed parody “artist” and “Sports Illustrated & Mashable’s pick for #1 Sports Parody Feed on Twitter!” And for some reason, the account still manages to garner followers despite the fact that it doesn’t even attempt to parody Bill Walton, even if Bill Walton were someone who deserves parody. The actual Bill Walton isn’t even on national TV anymore, he’s a low-level broadcaster for Pac12 basketball. So why is this account, that had a short flair of popularity a few years ago, still garnering 150 RTs per idiotic thought of the dude who runs it? Because, say it again, class, Twitter is riddled with stupid people.
Alex Jones has a nice little formula to every tweet: conspiracy, guns, Obama, media. Mix them together in some fashion and boom, he eats that attention up like a fat, brace-faced teenager at the prom.
Friendship-ender: Ask them over to watch the NBA. If he or she cannot blurt out even the slightest original thought about the game and instead reads off tweets from this mind-numbing account, slowly stand up, take their phone from their bloated, sweaty fingers, and cram it up their tiny little asshole. Then escort them to the door, and tell them good day.
Friendship-ender: This shouldn’t be just how you decide whether or not to be friends with someone; it should be what humanity uses when we ultimately need to trim the population. Below @RealAlexJones’ tweets will be a simple check box with the question: “Do you agree with this tweet? Does it make sense to you?” Check yes and you’re dropped into a deep pit to rot with the nation’s other psychos. Check yes and you can go on living your life, being the normal, sensible, logical person you are.
@RealAlexJones is just flat out scum of the earth. He drums on and on and on about a bunch of blubbering bullshit buzzwords, mostly directed at President Obama. If not that, it’s about the media, or guns—just lunacy-- and then sits back as his 239-thousand-strong army of fucks retweets the shit out him. YOU THINK OBAMA DON’T WANT RICH PEOPLE WITH GUNS? Obama? Check. Guns? Check. 500 RTs? Check.
WORST of the WORST Ah, the classic social media technique of capitalizing on a tragedy for personal gain. This is one of the most disgusting things to permeate Twitter as far as we’re concerned. You know what? Fuck these accounts. We’re not even dignifying them with a full paragraph. There isn’t anything we can say about these accounts except that Will Ferrell would hate every single human being who follows these. He especially hate the person who runs it. You’ve upset Will Ferrell with your terrible jokes, you fucks. You don’t deserve the air you breathe or the retweets you get. Friendship-ender: We can’t help you here. If your friends are retweeting this, you’re probably stuck in the same cycle they are. Congrats on being braindead!
2. @TedOfficialPage Ted is one of the least-funny movies of all-time. An absolute abomination that combines the impossibly terrible jokes of the last five years of Family Guy with Boston accents and a poorly animated Teddy Bear sounds like the worst thing on earth, but just go watch the whole film and truly understand how the fuck this piece of shit was greenlit. Oh wait, that’s right, because the average moviegoer is stupider than almost any consumer, willing to throw money at this thing because “hahaha fart joke.” This account and things of its nature are the true reason we can’t have nice things. The tweets aren’t relevant to the movie, to any of the humor of the character, to anything. That seems like a blessing in disguise, but when the tweets are all of that same vein of “let’s appeal to 15-year old girls and people who dropped out of community college” to boot, plus some high quality racism and “I’m not like the other girls” mentality make this arguably the worst account to ever grace Twitter. Were it not for our number one, it would hold the crown as the single greatest achievement in making people stupider in our history as a society. Friendship-ender: Hold Seth MacFarlane hostage and make him use his embarrassing fortune to buy all of these handles and turn them into PSA accounts on what the word “Parody” means. Also castrate anyone who uses the phrase “Thunder Buddy.”
It’s such an easy formula: get followers, tweet bullshit. This one is absurd.
1. @MensHumor We could go on for days about how absolutely abhorrent Men’s Humor is in every way possible. It’s a combination of sophomoric bullshit, recycled jokes, and, of course, the omnipresent misogyny. Men’s Humor takes the absolute worst of every account on Twitter and combines it into one verified, vomit-inducing piece of shit. But many accounts do that. What truly makes @MensHumor the worst is that so, so many of the people you know follow it. Go check right now. On our own Twitter accounts, at least 100 of the people we follow are also following @MensHumor, including many famous athletes and celebrities. People we respect and cherish and care about follow this absolutely foul load of cock-sucking shit. If Men’s Humor were an election, it would be Bush’s 2004 campaign: moronic hack that has proven time and time again to be unqualified receives large majority of support by seemingly rational people. I can’t explain it. It’s a phenomenon unlike any other, but just know by following @ MensHumor, you are enabling some slut-shaming dipshit who has turned this into an empire of sewage, with a shop and a tumblr and everything. These people steal tweets, and then claim their content is protected by copyright. The basic machinations of the American legal system go over these people’s heads. What we have here is what you would get if the Chive gave people gonorrhea by visiting its site. Unfollows are the chemo for this cancer on the twitterverse, and only you can stop it. See the joke here is that women are subservient to men and spend their time in the kitchen making food for the man and children in their life. The height of comedy!
Friendship-ender: Murder them in cold blood in the middle of the night while they’re sleeping, hide the body, skip town, change your name, by a farm and live off the land. There is no other solution.
Hankerin’
Movie List:
for the
Hanks
Each box features the handsome Tom Hanks in one of his many blockbuster films. do you know which movie each box is from?
Big • Castaway • Larry Crowne • Philadelphia • Cloud Atlas The Green Mile • Polar Express • Forrest Gump • Turner and Hooch
Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com the first right answer gets a prize!
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