The Black Sheep
FR EE ea ... li tin ke t g me he at pare on n go tal od gu fr ilt ida of y.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 8, Issue 11 • 3/27/13 - 4/3/13
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Historic April Fools Fail: The United States Constitution Hannah Borland wrote this “I’ll tell ya, Georgie, my ass is wetter than the queen of Spain when she sponsored Columbus. You know what I’m saying? Swamp ass. We need an icebox up in here, pronto.” James Madison brays like a jackass at his own joke while George Washington daintily dabs himself with his hanky, conspicuously ignoring Madison’s proffered high five. “Really, J. Mad?” John Hancock stares across the dimly lit table of four men at the nearly-asphyxiated Madison, “Maybe that’s why you’re still single.” “No way, Johnny Boy. It’s ‘cause these colonist bitches be crazy. They be like, ‘James, what’s up with you? I thought you wanted to walk a property line with me’ and I’m like, ‘Don’t get your petti skirts in a bunch, but I’m not ready for that shit yet.’ I’m like John here – I want to rock out with my Hancock out.” “Ahem.” Washington clears his throat with the intent of getting down to some serious, page-turning history, “Didn’t we come here to discuss something other than your pitiful philandering?” Madison falls silent, clearly wounded, while Hancock and a hammered Alexander Hamilton turn their focus to Washington. “Now, my good gentlemen,” Washington begins, with the clear intent to make a long-winded speech, “I think all of us know why we’re here. Let there be no man in this room who does not understand his purpose. We are here, my good men, to orchestrate an endeavor so brilliant, to construct the framework for an entity so important, to-“ “We’re here to play these colonists harder than John Smith played Pocahontas!” Madison cuts across Washington, ignoring the good general’s protestations, “Georgie, we were never going to get there with the way you caress each one of your words like they’re fine mulatto women. Hamilton, back me up here.” Hamilton nods curtly to Madison, who clears his throat and continues. “What Georgie here is trying to say is that we’re all tired of everybody acting like they have rights and can just do whatever they damn well please. What do they think this is? That large frozen piece of land to the north that is clearly backwards? So, as is common on the first of April, we’re going to go all Bostonian on these bitches, as in we’re tricking them like a couple of Britain’s finest ladies of the night.” “They do not desire a king,” Washington cuts in with all the authority of a man who is wearing a wig, “So we will falsify a document saying that they will not have one.”
A Traveler's Guide to Ohio
“Ahh yeshh,” slurs Hamilton, “We’ll tell them it’s like the Greeks. You know, it was democrasheey that came up with the idea of Plato, I mean it was Pla-“ “Right.” Hancock interrupts Hamilton, “Xander, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you to stop messing around with that Sam Adams before we all get together. I know you’re not comfortable with the things you two do together, but that doesn’t mean you have to drink so much ale every time.” “Anyway, I’m going to be king,” Washington rubs the bridge of his nose, exasperated. “Oh, for sure,” says Madison, obviously wondering about the intoxicated relationship between Hamilton and Sam Adams, “But we’re going to let them think that they’ll be free, and that there will be some cantankerous system by which they will be able to decide what is lawful and what is unlawful- which. Which, quite frankly, would
what'’s inside
Top 10: Reasons to Litter
Whoever said Ohio sucks has clearly never been to the WalMart in Athens.
Arguably one of the easiest crimes to commit along with public drunkenness and conspiracy to commit public drunkenness.
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never work.” “Madison, you better write this thing up,” Hancock glowers at his pocket watch, “And write it well. Something about how they deserve things, people love to hear about what they’re entitled to. Some kind of catchy phrase like, ‘life, liberty, and the pursuit of beautiful women.’” “Hellz yes, beautiful women. Which I get plenty of.” Madison pointedly looks around at the men once more, making sure that they all know that he is, in fact, a true colonial pimp, “And we’ll open it with something that makes us all one awesome, bad ass team, like ‘we the arms-bearing, bitch-slapping night riders.’” “Perfect.” Washington stands up from the table, “This April Fools thing worked marvelously for those Roanoke folk, history will forever remember them as great pranksters, as it will with us. What could possibly go wrong?”
We Read: One Hundred Years of Solitude A must-read if you’ve got a penchant for donkey sex, incest, and prophecy.
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! page three k e e W e h t f o Pic word of the week Digestimation:
The ballparking of an amount of food or drink consumed in order to exaggerate or downplay the total intake.
“In Seth’s digestimation he downed 74 chicken wings, but the way Paul remembers it, Seth ate closer to 30.”
Meet The Staff campus manager Justin Gawel Advertising ManagerS Andrew Meggert, Daniela Pittiglio Nicole Maks, Danan Thomas, Andrew Rickerman Writers Alex Everard, Cody Manthei Phillip Keller, Hannah Borland Zoe Kremke, Garrison Rassmusen Andrew Rickerman, Zach Wyrzykowski, Jess Martinelli, Meg Enter, Halie Woody Thomas Stewart, Michelle Danaj distribution manager Garrison Rasmusen social media manager Alex Everard
pR Team Crysta Harper, Adelaine Lazzell Kelsey Roseman, Jordan Sweat photographers Bailey Paskiewicz, Leslie Spector campus director Quinn Myers owner Atish Doshi Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 608-712-0900
Disclaimer
The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink... responsibly and legally.
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A Traveler’s Guide to Ohio Garrison Rasmussen wrote this Salutations, wanderer! You seem to be the type of person that enjoys spring break 366 days a year. You may enjoy the sights and sounds of exotic places or perhaps you suckle from the government’s teat and your full-time job is advertising your “sculpted” body in the unemployment line. Whatever your purpose is, drifter, The Black Sheep appreciates your sense of adventure, thus why we suggest a visit to the sparkling Eden that is Ohio. Whence first traveling into the mystical abyss, stopping in Cincinnati would be a must. A buzzing metropolis precariously perched on the Ohio River provides a stream of excellent activities for one to actively participate in. The “Big Mac” bridge, placed on the southern side of Cincinnati, is a great means of transportation in escaping this truly awe-striking city, either by driving, walking, or inevitably jumping off it. Not one for the roads? Have no fear, for barges traverse the licorice black waters of the Ohio River, carefully carrying citizens into the safe haven of Kentucky and beyond. But enough about Cincinnati, for now. Columbus! Columbus, such as the founder of our country, is truly a mainstay as to why Ohio exists in the first place. With a strong foundation in the center of America’s stump, there is an excess of activities to do in this focal point. Of course, you may be interested in visiting THE Ohio State University, where the only thing that outshines their academic honesty is the paychecks, the corruption, the cheating, and the pinnacle of all aspirations, the tattoo parlors—truly a welcome distraction from the rampant obesity and seemingly endless buffet lines. A neighborhood a bit to the south of Columbus lays Athens. No, not the Athens, sadly. Upon entering Athens, Ohio, though, one will be greeted with the pretention that truly couldn’t be matched by all the Greek gods in the world. And what does Athens have to offer the everyday nomad, unlike that of Olympus? Well, a healthy combination of gray buildings, the new Wal-Mart that everyone loves, and a combination of bums, hippies, and unemployment line workers such as you. In short, liberals! Truly a beautiful image when it’s all combined together.
Friends Don’t Let Friends Hook Up (With Exes) Zoë Kremke wrote this
However, all of these emerald cities are easily overshadowed by the true sin city—Cleveland! Cleveland, the one true oasis of Ohio. Apart from the crippling depression spouting from the Cleveland Browns Stadium, Cleveland truly is amazing. Yes, the river goes up in flames more than a budding college relationship, but where else in America can you see that? Why, merely by traversing the downtown streets and gazing upon the luscious skyline caked in smog is enough to bring about a smile to anyone’s face! What, you were expecting sunlight more than three days a year? Where do you think you are, Miami? Surely we compensate the sunlight with smiles, and given that we’re the leader in pollution exports in the United States of America, you’re guaranteed to never find a bright white smile here! We truly hope you consider a visit to iridescent Ohio. With unemployment skyrocketing and the local economies continually falling, we are certain you can find a house in the metro area of any bustling city for cheap! Now, without further ado, I myself will be taking a trip to Cincinnati to jump off the Big Mac bridge—residing in this state for five years will make one do that! *Laughs maniacally*
Summer is approaching quickly. Snow is melting, birds are chirping, and the desire to lose your pants and get into someone else’s is utterly overwhelming. It’s our natural instinct and we get it—who hasn’t been there? As a general policy, The Black Sheep supports the vast majority of your hook up efforts. As a matter of fact, applaud them. However, there is one hook up that should not be pursued: the ex. Don’t mistake our warning as misunderstanding, we know it’s easy to remember how those summer days turned into summer nights while you forget about how Sandy was actually a crazy stalker bitch who wouldn’t leave Danny alone. Summer is a sweet, seductive temptress. She brings back memories of when everything was sunshine, or at least when the sex was good enough to tolerate being sweaty. But calling your ex for a summer fling is a colossal error that you will not come back from. Think we’re being overdramatic? Frankly, we’re not being dramatic enough. Take a look at some age-old lessons from the one place we can always trust to tell the truth: Hollywood. Titanic and The Notebook are both prime examples of why this is a no-no. In Titanic, Jack fucking dies. Can you imagine the inevitable awkwardness of calling up an ex, hoping for a quick pound sesh after an awkward date, only to find out that they’re dead stiff and not sexual stiff? You’ll end up listening to their parents sob on the phone for a few hours, and get roped into an incredibly uncomfortable dinner with his family because they want to be connected to you, since you were connected to her. Woof, nobody wants to be in that sticky situation. The Notebook is worse than Titanic, if that’s even possible, because Noah falls in love with Allie and then she gets dementia, or
just some normal woman crazies, and doesn’t even remember all that effort he put into that weird art room for her. Do you really want that? Some weird love affair turned into a lifelong struggle with depression and angst? The answer, undoubtedly, is no. If those downright terrible possibilities don’t frighten you enough to invest in a chastity belt, consider the other potential outcomes of this summer fling with your once hated ex. It’s possible that it will work exactly as planned. You’ll call them up, have a few ”movie nights” which end up with you guys watching the first ten minutes of Armageddon before hitting it, quitting it, and vowing never to speak to each other again before Bruce Willis sends Ben Affleck off to root his daughter. With this you’re always kind of aware that your actions over the summer were a mistake, but also worth it to satiate your sexual appetite and proclivity for beginnings of movies about asteroids. Granted, the odds of that happening are one in a million. Maybe it does go really well and then, boom, Shyamalan-plot twist: she’s actually slept with fifty other guys since you last met her and you contract a severe case of syphilis, but, since you broke her heart way back when, she’s not going to tell you in order to exact her revenge. That’d suck. The fact of the matter is your exes are exes for good reason. Nobody wants to spend all, or even part of their summer break reliving the painful breakup you already went through once; and you certainly don’t want to spend it itching at some mysterious rash caused by syphilis. Syphilis seriously blows, and so do exes, and that’s why friends don’t let friends hook up with their former partners.
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Top 10 Reasons to Litter 10.) Sports: Do you know where that trash you throw out goes? A landfill. And are you aware of what happens when you bring trash together and try to give it purpose? That’s right, some dill-rod goes and turns the trash mound into a shitty, snow-coated “ski hill” that attracts hillbillies and scary filth-skiing hipster types. Those assholes derp their way downhill at the glacial pace Chris Brown reads, bringing shame to winter sports everywhere.
tales from the tattoo parlor Zoe Kremke wrote this There once was a man, Bernie, who after a few drinks, decided to go on a mission. It was simple: get a tattoo that trumps all tattoos. The night had only just begun, and, sufficiently buzzed, he stumbled into the local tattoo parlor. Unusually, his friends were cheering him on, but there was just one problem. Bernie hadn’t considered what tattoo he was going to get. Smooth move, bro. But between his ability to think on his feet, and the walls full of designs, he certainly wouldn’t have any trouble deciding on one, right? Glancing around, the designs were endless. Everything in the shop was inspirational, from the options on the walls, to the ideas in his head, to the giant tattoo artist with a Sailor Jerry-style Cap'n Crunch vomiting Cap'n Crunch on his right bicep. Naturally, the first thing that came to ‘ol Bern’s mind was the oh-so-classic name of your significant other tattoo. He glanced outside to his girlfriend, Sheila, who had unthinkingly tagged along as a pavlovian response to his leaving. Ever the elegant lady, she was currently bent over a trashcan ranting about peach schnapps. Yeah, there was no doubt in his mind that getting her name tattooed across his chest would be awesome. That shit’s manly with a capital MAN. Thinking of manly shit made Bernie think of his and Sheila’s badass canine, Sergeant Scruff. Surely, having Scruffer’s face tattooed on his upper back was a good idea? It would showcase his best friend, and highlight his sensitive side. That’s got to be a good thing. After carefully deciding upon a Sergeant Scruff
tattoo, he nixed the idea on the grounds that it would make his insecure Jewish goldfish, Goldberg, envious. On the other hand, getting an entire sleeve of animals might not be a bad idea! He could just keep adding to it. Speaking of sleeves, why not go for bikerstyle flames up and down both arms? “W.W.S.O.A.D.” - What Would the Sons of Anarchy Do. Admittedly, he had never been on a motorcycle in real life, but do you really need to have ridden one in order to pull off flame sleeves? Probably not! Those would look super sick, especially when applying for jobs. No, no, none of these ideas were good enough. He wanted to be truly set apart from the crowd of conformists. With one final look around the shop, he nodded to himself. Bernie knew what he had to do. Our man stepped up to the counter and confidently announced to the tattoo artist that he wanted a tattoo of Chuck Norris’ face. On his face. Now, if there is one thing in the entire world that nobody could ever possibly feel ashamed of having permanently tattooed on his or her body, it’s the face of the great dojo master, Chuck Norris. His friends, rowdy, but supportive as ever, applauded the decision in the background while he set this wondrous plan into motion. With their unanimous support, he waved goodbye to them like a king waving goodbye to his adoring subjects, and followed the tattoo artist who shook his head in bemusement into one of the back rooms. He entered that room a man, but left a few excruciatingly painful hours later as a legend.
9.) Convenience: Look MSU, we don’t have time to stand there trying to interpret all 200 recycling container options you’ve given us. Just throw that leaky car battery into some bushes and let it square off with ol’ Mother Nature, Thunderdome style. 8.) Safety: Squirrels have been getting pretty bold lately, and there’s nothing like a little non-degradable trash to knock them down a few pegs. You want to properly dispose of that plastic bag, huh? Think again, you classy son of a gun, because those squirrels will sense your weak, environmentally-conscious ass from a mile away. And you best believe those ferocious, overfed rodents will make a move. Be sure to tell the surgeon repairing your squirrel-mangled face that it was all in the name of preventing global warming. 7.) Presents: Not going to finish that sandwich? Have to drop that jayski because you’re “freaking out, dude, that was definitely a cop”? Well don’t be a Scrooge, just drop it on the ground for someone else to enjoy! Litter is the gift that keeps on giving—don’t you forget it. 6.) Self Expression: Look, we’re not here to judge. Maybe you’re a rebel without an environmental cause, or maybe you simply can’t lift your arms to reach a garbage can because you took a Mel Gibson amount of horse tranquilizers. Whatever it is, please feel free to express yourself through the art of littering. 5.) Work for Criminals: If there’s no trash for petty criminals to pick up on the side of highways, what are we going to do? Not that fight-to-the-death, gladiator-style prison wars aren’t a viable option; we just know that they’re probably not in anybody’s best interest. 4.) Ending Pyromania: As Willie the Can Man can tell you, there’s nothing quite like a good old-fashioned trash can fire. Whether it’s for warmth or to facilitate an arson fetish, filling those cans with beautiful, stinky trash will only make it that much easier for pyromaniacs to run amuck. Put an end to the madness and litter the shit out of that Starbucks cup. 3.) Element of Surprise: Do you have dreads? Do you live in a co-op? Looks you have a reputation to uphold, Cheech. Or do you? Sometimes when life gets weird, it’s nice to break from form. Plus, think of the look on your flower-child lover’s face when you casually toss your Menna’s wrapper to the ground—unadulterated shock and awe. If you feel bad about it later, you can always just assault a litterbug with your didgeridoo and prove you’re down to recycle. 2.) It Tickles Your Funny Bone: Have you ever seen someone slip and fall on a banana peel? No? Do you want to see that happen? Don’t lie, literally everyone wants to see that go down at some point. Leave your banana peel out and about, then lie in wait for your victim. 1.) Common Sense: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. If it came from the Earth at some point before man’s hands processed it, why not return it back to that from which it came? In fact, go so far as to run around campus, throwing up armfuls of non-recyclable materials with zeal and gusto!
tom white wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics] How high is too high? Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
“It’s never too high.” - Jianni J., Freshman
"When you fall asleep in public.” - Monique L., Sophomore
“Just below the nipple.” - Ben J., Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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A Morbid Proposal Cody Manthei wrote this Whether they be on the streets, dining halls, or over-packed classrooms, it’s always overwhelming for students to behold the twenty extra pounds encompassing the midsections of some men and women here. The locals of our native land find themselves calling this epidemic the “Freshman Fifteen,” “Irritably Flabby Jowel Syndrome” or, in certain regions, the “Brody Blow-Up.” We can’t blame ourselves for this atrocity and we certainly cannot blame businesses for our collective belly bloatage. We live in America, a country whose demand for fast food is more stable than our demand for larger ambulances to accommodate morbidly obese ten-year-olds having heart attacks. East Lansing is no different; whether we are feeling neutral, happy, or sad we are in the mood for fast food. Now, we can all agree that in our current situation, and to sustain our race of attractive Michigan State students and alumni alike, we have to identify the root of our dire weight problem -- the glorious cheeseburger: the sweet, meat apple of our eye and the destroyer of our heart, quite literally. Is there an easy solution? Of course, this isn’t Israel or the end of The Sopranos, the simple answer we have in mind will accomplish one main goal and be quick, dirty, and easy about it. Goal: Reduce the siren song a cheeseburger casts upon all who gaze or smell upon it To be James Blunt about it, for us to overcome we must send out all of our male residents to acquire and make sweet, passionate love to all of the cheeseburgers produced within a twentymile radius of campus—thus rendering their edible allure useless. We’ve been assured by a TV doctor that a cheeseburger, in the smallest form—single patty, sparse condiments—can add nearly a quarter pound to a single human. Hence, the mission’s focus would be to fuck all of those, including one with multiple patties and ones with bacon. In meatier instances it may be necessary for two or more men to double-team a burger when the patty count exceeds that of three. However, we must insist that those men carrying sexual diseases refrain from “burger sharing” or “co-mashing meat” with those who are clean. Having pondered this question for many a fortnight, we have always found the idea of sexual defacement of cheeseburgers to be in the best interest, not only to the majority of the public
HARPER’S &
HALF OFF WEDNESDAY
JERRY SPRAGUE On Top The Bar 6 - 10
JEREMY SPRAGUE On Stage 10 - 12
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$2 Pints & Wells – $2.98 Burgers – $6.98 Bottles of Wine
but also to incoming freshmen. And after years of this practice, once it becomes commonplace in the annals of our society, it can come to produce much more than just a way to get people to think of a cheeseburger for sex and not for eating and gaining weight. Just think, it can also be a cure for the spread of major sexual diseases, for we can force those specimens with such ailments to keep their sexual involvement solely to the virgin, disposable cheeseburgers. We estimate the number of bodies affected by the epidemic at hand has reached the tens of thousands, that number growing more rapidly than the diameter of the John Goodman-esque bellies bouncing around this campus. We estimate, through mere imagination, that we can reduce such girth that by over three-fifths in just the span of a year-and-a-half. We need MSU to keep its reputation as one of the most attractive student bodies, and we would hate to be dubbed “Massive Stomach University” if at all possible. Do your part—go out, do your best impression of that obese, bed-ridden kid from high school on prom night, and de-flower ten cheeseburgers today!
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January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks
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31 Irish Nachos and 1 2 Skins, Chicken Thumbs Monday 9pm-Close DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $2.50 - Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 – Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close 7 9 $2.00 – Well Drinks Follow us on Twitter!6 1/2 Off8 Night DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts @HarpersMSU DJ Juan Trevino DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 14 15 16 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $3.00 – Bombs Book Harper’s & RUSH Dublin Brew Crew from 7-9 Thursday 9pm-Close Coors Light, 23 Special Events 20 $2.50 – Pints 21 $2 Wells, $222 Band Practice, $2.50 – Call Drinks Graduation, Miller Lite, Labatt and PBR Drafts B-Days, DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-Close Greek Functions! $3 Rumple DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $3.50 – All Pints $3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Free Cover Before 11 $3.00 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) Miller DJ Minze (Back Bar) Lite, Labatt DJ Beats Blue Light Sunday All Day $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells $3.50 Well Liquor $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas & Select Shots $3.00 – Pints DJ Donnie D $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $3.50 Pints of Pub Dublin Square Irish $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs Coors Lt, Miller 327 Abbott Rd Lite, DJ’s Big Red & Weaver East Labatt LansingBlue MI 48823 Light 9pm – Close Every Day
FRI: NCAA Mania on 27 Screens! 4pm: Free Beer Tasting with 1/2 off Drinks and Spartan Wheat Green Jello Shots (limited amount) Michigan Live Band after MSU Wins!
FRI: Goombas Pizza Fest! 6 - 9pm: $0.75 Slices of Pizza, $3.50 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands 9 - close: $1.25 Pizza Slices, $5 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands
WED, 3/27
1/2 off all Wednesday 6pm Free Beer Tasting 25 Cent Wings, $4 Pizzas, $5 Pastas DJs with Light Shows All Night! First 150 in FREE
21+, NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
THURS, 3/28
No cover Voted #1 Happy Hour $2.25 ALL Well Drinks 9pm: DJ from Grand Rapids with Crazy Show
Ladies Night 4-9: Unlimited Grilled Cheese, Pickle and Tomato Soup, $4 Pitchers, 1/2 Shark Bowls Ladies Night 9-cl: $4 Long Islands, $4 Mojitos, $6 Martinis, $6 Bloody Marys
NCAA Mania on ALL 27 Screens!
Goombas Pizza Fest! 6 - 9pm: $0.75 Slices of Pizza, $3.50 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands 9 - close: $1.25 Pizza Slices, $5 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands
FRI, 3/29
SAT, $2.50 Pints and $3.50 Calls Skins 3/30 ½ Off – Potato Hush Puppies
$3.50 Well Liquor
For More Information Contact Us: DJ Beats (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to $3 Bloody Marys 839863 for specials & updates.
& Onion Rings
SUN, 3/31
Harper’s Half Off Wednesday The Lowest Wednesday Prices In East Lansing
*Ladies Night~ Every Thursday!
$3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special
4pm: Free Beer Tasting with 1/2 off Drinks and Spartan Wheat Green Jello Shots (limited amount) Michigan Live Band after MSU Wins! Free Beer Tasting at 11am with NCAA Games on TVs! 25 Cent Wings Food for All Ages All Day 10pm: Awesome Kids Band Live with Light Show
Martini Night 6-cl! Free Taco Bar $3 Bud Lt & Labatt, NEW $6 Martinis & NEW $6 Bloody Marys $6 Breakfast Buffet 1am-close
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Book your Barcrawl @ 248.860.7362
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Closed Birthday Group Discounts @ 248.860.7362
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Follow us on Twitter! @HarpersMSU
$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells
TUES, 4/2
Book Harper’s & RUSH For Fundraisers, Greek Functions, Meet and Greets, Barcrawls!
$2.50 Call Liquor $3 All Pints DJ Juan Trevino
No cover for Twisted Tuesday Free Pizza-Rama 4-7pm: 1/2 Off Cocktails 7-Close: $2.25 Vodka, Whiskey, Gin, Rum, and Lots More! $2.50 Margaritas DJs Packing the Dance Floor All Night
NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino
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theblacksheeponline.com
The Black Sheep Reads
One hundred Years of Solitude Zach Wyrzykowski wrote this Reading is good for you because it keeps your ego from getting too big. Once you feel like everything’s under control, like you’re one cultured bro, there’s always a book you can pick up that reminds you you have no idea what the hell is going on. One Hundred Years of Solitude is that book (or Cien Años de Soledad if you make a habit of running from bulls). If you like incest, donkey sex, and keeping track of twelve characters that all have the same name, then go see a psychiatrist, and while you’re in the waiting room, sink your teeth into this work of literary shenanigans. Written by Gabriel Garcin Marquez, this tome falls under the genre of “magic realism,” something we’re about 90% sure isn’t a thing. This delightful little narrative begins with the settlement of Macondo, a fictional town in the hotter-than-hell jungles of Columbia. The story centers around the Buendía family who enjoy gold, politics, and screwing each other. José Arcadio, the firstborn, runs off and joins a band of gypsies because that’s apparently what people did to be rebellious. The Buendías eventually adopt a girl named Rebeca, who is about as normal as Bella Swan if you replace her obsession with vampires with eating dirt and paint chips off the walls. After a few years of shenanigans, José Arcadio randomly returns as a beefy sailor-man, and distracts everyone with his killer bod before marrying Rebeca (his adopted sister) and moving to a hut on the edge of town where they make loud and obnoxious whoopee every night. Jose’s brother, Colonel Aureliano Buendía, goes off to fight in a Colombian civil war, because people don’t want to paint their houses red or something, and has seventeen sons with unknown women because he’s just a boss like that. Oh, and he names them all Aureliano, because evidently the author was too busy thinking about the physics of donkey sex to come up with seventeen more names. A generation or two after Colonel Buendía’s shenanigans, José Arcadio Segundo Buendía is born into this insane asylum that passes for a family. It looks like José is going to turn towards God and clean up this story, until his priest exam (they have those, right?) when the priest asks him if he’s ever been with a woman. José says no, and the priest then asks if he’s ever been with a donkey.
This was a bad idea, as José responds with “You can do that?” and abandons the priesthood for a life of cock-fighting and donkey boinking. Donkey Boy’s sister is known as Remedios the Beauty, and is described as the most beautiful thing the world has ever seen. She’s ridiculously innocent and naive, and the book’s characters can’t decide if she’s mentally retarded or just pure. One day, she apparently decides “I’m too pretty for this shit,” and ascends into the sky and is never seen again, like what most people hope will someday happen to Snooki. Although these aren’t even half the characters in this tirade of lunacy, the book ends with a hurricane destroying the whole town and everyone in it, proving that God does use Control + Alt + Delete. However, the kicker is that in the middle of the hurricane, the last Buendía succeeds in decrypting a message given to the first Buendía, which turns out to be a prophecy foretelling literally everything that’s happened in the book, ending with the terrifying wind death of the man reading it. This last part was placed as a warning to all who read this book: if you figure out what this books means, Marquez will bring you death by hurricane.
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bartender of the week Noelle buffalo wild wings Age: 22 Major: Diagnostic Medical Stenography Nickname: NayNay Relationship status: Single Favorite drink: Cosmo Describe your typical customer: Business people Best bar singalong: “Take Me Home Tonight” - Eddie Money Hangover cure: Bloody Mary, extra-loaded
Bar pet peeve: Getting too drunk to tip Favorite TV bar: Cheers Craziest place you've hooked up: In a tree Worst pickup line you've heard: At last call: “Was your dad a king for a day? Because you are a princess.” Personal theme song: "Hakunah Matata" Bar or parties: Bar
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Cheesy Tots
Tater tots are like French fries’ fatter younger brother, man. But man, how did they get so fat when French fries are the ones covered in cheese, right man? Let’s try to remedy that situation and put the world back in the right place, man. What You’ll Need: A bag of frozen tater tots, a sleeve of Kraft singles, and a few extra places to pack the pounds. Cook Time: 30 minutes Fatty Factor: You’ll look like you’re carrying a tot in the ole’ belly. Let’s Get Baked: - Pre-heat the oven to 450 degrees - Place the frozen tater tots on a baking sheet. If a baking sheet is not available, then you have bigger problems, mister. - Once the oven is properly heated, place the tater tots in the oven for 20 minutes. - After 20 minutes remove the baking sheet from the oven, Place the Kraft singles on the tater tots. - Put the tater tots back in the oven for five minutes. - After the cheese is melted, enjoy. Ah, a starchy nothingness totally void of nutritional value. The communication major of food.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
y Welcome to z
find the answers at theblacksheep onilne.com/got
Game of
hrones
People complain
1 or 2
porn?
internet porn is re-wiring our generation's brain to not care about the story, but Game of Thrones is like, 60% story! And the other 40%, well, the other 40% gives us an excuse to watch two ladies goin’ at it on the big screen in the living room like the good lord intended. Can you recall which of these scenes is from GoT and which is from a porn you won't admit to having watched?
1) Shot from a voyeur’s perspective, a naked woman is
2) A man lays injured in his bed, when an attractive woman
3)
4) It’s a stormy night. A voluptuous redhead in a robe walks
5) A man is put in an awkward situation when his best friend’s
6) In a dark dungeon a woman confronts a man who is tied
thrusting reverse-cowboy on top of a man. The camera then zooms out to reveal the voyeur isn’t the viewer, but a man receiving oral from a shirtless woman while spying on the two people having sex.
The scene opens to a shirtless brunette girl in a seethrough dress straddling the lap of another woman. She asks the other woman if she has ever kissed another girl, to which she says no, it had never crossed her mind. The girl then strips off her see-through dress and begins taking the other girl’s clothes off. They kiss, get naked, and kiss some more.
sister enters his room. He’s not sure what to say, so he compliments her dress. She says she likes it too, but like it better “this way,” and proceeds to take her top off. He is awestruck, and fumbles around for his words as she reaches down his pants and kisses him all naked-like. When he’s too nervous to get it up, she asks if he’d like her brother to join in the fun.
7) In a steaming hot tub, a skinny shirtless brunette strad-
walks in to nurse his wounds. She inspects his body starting with his head, looking for any abrasions or swelling. She comes across some major swelling at his waist. She pulls down the sheets to reveal the source of the swelling, and decides the best way to alleviate the swelling is immediately, with her mouth.
into a war room, demanding to talk to the general alone. She starts with innocent conversation, but quickly moves to rubbing his loins. At first he denies her, saying he has a wife who he loves, but she eventually wins him over after dropping her robe to the ground. He proceeds to lay her out over the war table, knocking all the pieces off as he pounds away.
up to a post. The man is blindfolded and seems to have been down there for a while, but the woman shows no mercy and whips his bare chest. Though at first she seems to be his enemy, things quickly turn around as she begins rubbing her ass into his lap.
8) A man walks into his room to the surprise of two naked
dles the lap of a man with long blonde hair. The two are merely chatting about historical events, surely just sharing a tub. But soon the subject matter of the man’s conversation alone begins to make the girl climax, and the two engage in steamy hot tub sex.
women waiting for him. They say they’ll do anything he demands of them. He decides to tell them to start on each other, and sits back to watch the two girls perform oral on each other. Soon he decides to heat things up by having one girl spank the other. As he gets more excited, he tells one to use a belt on her while he watches, telling them to hit harder. Finally, he picks up a thick black post and watches as they scream (in pleasure?)
9) A well-dressed man sits in his fancy office awaiting word from one of his workers. In walks
10) Looking through a peephole, the camera shows many women running around naked, and
a blonde woman in a skimpy dress to “alert him of some pressing news.” He doesn’t care too much about the news though, especially after she props herself on top of his table and straddles him with her legs. Despite the impending news from his attendants, the two engage in a long, sexual adventure.
11)
A midget stands tall while receiving an intense blow job from a large-breasted redhead. Just before he finishes the two move over to the bed to take things up a notch, but they’re quickly interrupted when the midget’s brother busts into the room. The brother doesn’t seem to mind what he is witnessing, and proceeds to invite three more shirtless women to climb into the midget’s bed.
13)
Open scene to a room full of naked women. Two in the corner are boisterously going at it. A man wanders in, but instead of joining in, starts to direct them on what to do to each other, and how to do it. As he speaks to them, the two women twist into several different positions before climaxing.
15)
In the hull of a pirate ship, a maiden is at the mercy of her capturer(s). She insists she is uncertain of where her rich father’s treasures are, but offers to provide booty of a different kind. The men inquire as to what kind of booty she is talking about, and the woman says “a treasure her father values greater than all of his gold,” and drops her dress to the floor.
innocently undressing. Soon, however, the man looking through the peephole is caught by a naked woman when she lays her hand on his shoulder. Instead of scolding him, though, she pushes him to the ground and proceeds to have sex with him.
12)
A boy is visiting his friend when his friend’s mom walks in. She tells him his friend will be just a moment, and asks if he’d like anything while he waits. Before he responds, his friend’s mom is sitting very close to him on the couch with her arm gently resting on his lap. He nervously asks for something to drink, to which she takes her shirt off and starts undoing his pants.
14) Upon entering his chambers, a man finds the woman who was supposed to be watching over his children bare naked in his bed. He asks what’s going on, stating a person of her stature has no business being in his bed, let alone naked. She asserts that he not worry about paying her, Her supple beauty entrances him, however, and the two engage in… all sorts of sexual deeds.
16)
It’s a dark night in a candle-lit room. A giant man with bulging muscles lies in bed awaiting a small, pale skinned blonde. Just as he’s about to have his way with her, pushing her face into the pillows, she pushes him back into the bed and gets on top, dominating him for the rest of the scene.
the black sheep interviews:
American Idiot's Trent Saunders TBS: What does it feel like to perform Green Day’s epic score every night? Especially the kickass numbers that St. Jimmy gets to play? Trent Saunders: It’s definitely the most fun I could possibly have and imagine having on a job because, you know, who else gets to be a rockstar without being a rockstar? It’s really too much fun and the band that plays the music does it so much justice, so it really just feels like I am in a rock concert and I get to take on a persona. So it’s the most fun—the coolest feeling I can imagine. TBS: As St. Jimmy you’re playing a drug dealer, correct? TS: Indeed, in some interpretation that is, yes. TBS: Not that this is a leading question or anything, but is there any part of you that relates to your character St. Jimmy? TS: Oh, absolutely. At the beginning of the process I really never thought that I did have that connection. I saw the show on Broadway and connected with it, but I never connected with his character and I never thought that in any world they would consider me for playing it, because it was always these short white boys who were kind of punk guys actually in bands, and I was always a musical theatre guy. But I was cast as him so I had to find that within myself, but I think of all the temptation. Everyone has those temptations, those things that had been more positive that actually aren’t the best things for themselves. It’s about that and also Johnny, the guy that I get to play opposite, he and I really have a great friendship and great connection. That definitely helps me to be able to connect with him on that level and allows me to make a stronger connection with my character. TBS: It sounds like you have a really great connection with the character St. Jimmy, but if you could choose, which character would you be? TS: I would be St. Jimmy; I would make that decision still. But there are definitely other characters in the show that I connect with. But nothing is more fun than the role that I am playing.
TBS: Were you a fan of Green Day before auditioning for this show? TS: I had heard their music and I knew that they were a big deal, but I never really connected to that scene so I never really listened to their albums, but I listened to the radio. So when I saw American Idiot on Broadway for the first time that was really the first time that all of the music started connecting. And it was like, “’Click’ -- Oh, they did that number, oh, they did that song too, and that song, and that song,” and it kind of just went on and on that way. But the show has definitely allowed me to form a deeper connection with their music.
TBS: Have there been any stage pranks gone wrong or anything like that? TS: Actually no, right now it’s been kind of a mad house because the flu has hit our cast, and when it hits one of us it hits all of us. We have three swing actors who come in for our ensemble tracks and when the leads have to call out, our ensemble members move up to the leads. So now we have three members who have moved up getting principles, our three swings in, and our second guitarist who has gone to a wedding so we have a replacement second guitarist. So it’s just kinda like live theatre. It’s a lot of fun and I think we are still doing a great show. It just takes a lot more focus and a lot more energy.
entertainment-y things to
TBS: And have you been able to meet them? No, because when we started our touring Billie Joe had his breakdown and went into rehab, and they’re just now getting to a point, but we have communication with Adrienne Armstrong which states that we may see them sooner than we think.
TBS: What have you been listening to right now? What’s on your iPod? TS: Well right now, obviously Justin Timberlake’s album just came out. So I’m obsessed with that and fully immersed in The 20/20 Experience. That’s definitely where my mind has currently been. But I like my singer/songwriters, my John Mayer, and Andy Grammer, and Jason Mraz. I will also swing over towards R&B and I’ll dab in country, I guess. I really get everywhere in the spectrum. The funny place that I don’t ever go is rock, which is funny because that is what I’m doing in the show. I pull it out when I need to get in the zone, but that’s not generally my go-to. It’s not like I don’t have the connection with that music, and it’s just my initial choice is elsewhere. And it’s not like I don’t like the music, because, obviously, I wouldn’t be doing the show if I didn’t like what I was doing. It’s really good music and strong music and really has an awesome message through all of the profanity and all that.
the big three
Game of Thrones: Season 3 Premiere Sunday, March 31st at 9pm on HBO Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Need to know anything else?
keep your eye out for.
Rilo Kiley Rkives out april 2
Cold War kids Dear miss lonelyhearts out april 2
These indie rock cutie-pies led by all-around perfect Jenny Lewis broke up back in 2011, as the nation sighed an exasperated sigh. If these kids couldn't make it, who could? Luckily for us, their latest release, Rkives, is a compilation album of previously released rarities and unreleased material, and we'll take anything we can get. Check out "Let Me Back In" and sigh at how cute the music video is. Ah, love springs eternal!
Arguably, Cold War Kids peaked early with their phenomenal 2006 debut album Robbers & Cowards, but have since steadily declined in the quality and originality of their music. But we like to see the glass half-full around here, and keep holding onto hope that they'll surprise with some more awesome tunes. Youtube has a few album teasers, and they sound pretty good to us.
the madlib: april fool's day Dude, __1__ just left and I’ve been planning an April Fools’ Day prank that’ll have him shitting in his pants. It’ll be even better than last year, when we convinced him it would be a good idea to __2__ his __3__ to his __4__. Okay, are you ready to hear this mind-bending flash of genius? Here’s what we’re going to do: We’re going to make __5__ kill himself. I’ve been saving these __6__ hits of __7__ I picked up at the __8__ concert I attended last summer just for this occasion. Here’s how we’re going to do it: First, we need to convince him that he’s actually a 12-foot tall __9__ named __10__. Trust me, __11__’s weird, so convincing him won’t be too hard. Once he really starts to feel it, let the games begin. We’ll feed him a bunch of __12__, but we’ll tell him he’s really eating __13__, which will totally freak him out. After, we’ll take him outside. When he starts getting handsy with strangers we’ll warn him that people are actually __14__, so he shouldn’t touch them. Finally, we’ll lead him to the roof of __15__, where the plan comes to fruition. Once we’re on the roof we’ll let him know we’re actually __16__ from __17__, and he’s destined to save our planet from certain destruction. We’ll let him know the only way he’ll be able to save us is by catching a __18__ __19__ that’s supposed to appear any minute. Just then, we’ll throw an inflatable water toy off the roof, scream “It’s a __20__!” and see him plummet to his death. It’s going to be so hilarious, man.
1) Name of a man 2) Verb 3) Body part 4) Different body part 5) Same name as 1 6) Number 7) Drug 8) Band or musician 9) Animal 10) Weird name
11) Same name as 1 12) Food 13) Gross item 14) Futuristic thing 15) Campus building 16) Mythical creature (plural) 17) Imaginary land 18) Color 19) Mythical creature 20) Same as 19
the crossword: super mario world Across 1) Five Yoshi coins gets you a free this 3) BFF Dinosaur 5) The Forest of _____ 7) It’s-a me! 9) The flavor of the 3rd world 10) Dumb jocks 13) Lakitu flies on this and throws shit at you 15) The Princess of this fruit
16) To get to the Special World, you have to beat this world 17) Blargg will be found creeping in this hot, red mess 18) A caterpillar that’s yellow, until it gets mad Down 1) Brother from another plumber 2) Great Demon King Koopa 4) If you look at these guys, they won’t bother you 6) Bowsers minions 7) These are indestructible species of Piranha plants 8) Yellow and purple arch rival of Mario 10) The flavor of the world before Valley of Bowser 11) Getting a feather will give you this 12) This world has levels called “Tubular” and “Groovy” 14) Pokey is the guardian of this type of terrain
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