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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 7, Issue 10 10/31/12 -11/7/12
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The Founding Fathers Weigh In On the Election Zach Wyrzykowski wrote this
With the election nearly upon me, I began to ponder to which walking pile of cow manure I was going to give my insignificant and questionably relevant vote. After a few hours of hard drinkin’ and deep thinkin’, I decided that I needed professional advice. One Wiccan spell book and a dead chicken later, I found myself standing in the presence of four of the coolest cats ever to put quill to parchment: James Madison, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and the one and only George Washington. “I say, what ever is going on here?” boomed Washington, “We’ve got a country to run!” The other men nodded in agreement. I explained to them that the 2012 presidential election was coming up, and I sought their council. I then began to describe the current political situation and the candidates, but was stopped by Madison. “You mean to tell me that a negro is now the commander and chief of this nation?” Before I could even begin to explain how horribly racist that was, he fainted dead-away. With Madison down for the count, I turned to the rest of them. Franklin stepped forward and asked probably the first intelligent question I’d heard all day: “Well, simply put: what, pray tell, is the national debt? A few hundred million by now, I’d expect.” In order to avoid another breakdown, I decided to skip around that question and continue the rest of the conversation after some boozing. Now that my guests were sufficiently ‘lubed, I figured I’d continue this little journey. Unfortunately, after stepping away to grab a pad of paper, I returned to find that Washington and Jefferson had slipped off, Madison was still in the fetal position, and Franklin was attempting to woo some passing girls by listing all the things he’d invented. I grabbed the founders I had and set off in search of the two I’d lost while suppressing a dark part of me that suddenly wanted to watch Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Once we got off the bus in front of Wells Hall, Madison and Franklin promptly vomited all over the sidewalk while mumbling something about the bus being “Satan’s carriage.” Once inside the International Center, I noticed Madison staring up at one of the televisions, gleefully smirking. “You see!” he proclaimed. “I knew you to be fraught with lies! Slaveholding could never be extinguished. Is not a slave auction being portrayed on that curious box aloft?” I glanced up at the television. “James, that’s Hardcore Pawn. It’s in Detroit.” His face fell, and we continued, dragging his moping, racist ass along. We were drawn outside to the sound of shouting, and were treated to the sight of Thomas Jefferson, famed for his separation of
An Open Letter From Sesame Street to Mitt Romney
church and state, engaging in a heated debate with the Wells Hall Preacher. Well, it was a debate, until the preacher gave up and starting chanting, “Damned!” At that point, Jefferson drew a glove and challenged the preacher to a duel with a vicious slap to the face and the sound of cheering from every student within earshot. As much as I wanted that to happen, explaining to the police that ’ol two centuries dead Tommy J. shot the preacher would land me in the looney bin faster than a speeding musket ball. So I was three for four fathers at this point, and while normally I’d be happy with a C-average, I couldn’t just let the first president run around causing shenanigans. We eventually found him, pantaloons down, relieving himself on the “James Madison College” sign. He eyed Madison and sneered, “How do you like your college now, you hussy little scoundrel!” Madison charged him in a rage, and the scuffle that followed
what’s inside
Election Issues No One is Talking About
would have lasted longer had they not both been simultaneously hit by longboarders. Franklin and Jefferson helped me carry them back to my dorm, where I prepared to send them back to their own time. Exasperated, I asked them whom to vote for one final time. Washington stiffened, and seemed offended. “Son, we cannot tell you to whom you should cast your vote. That is something the individuals of this great nation must each decide within themselves. You must search your heart, and whomever you feel is best suited to take the helm of these United States is who you must write on that ballot.” A little stunned by the perfectly presidential rhetoric, I thanked him, then said “Goodbye!” as I sacrificed my second chicken of the day (as instructed by my Wiccan field guide) and sent the four men back to the eighteenth century. I thought about those words from General Washington for a while, though. And I thought real hard about the candidates. Looks like I’m voting for Mickey Mouse again!
Presidential Erotica: A Chocolate-Vanilla Swirl
The letters of the day are "F" and "U."
Won't someone talk about BronBron for one?
Talk about political pork(ing).
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Liecense: Any form of fake identification used illicitly.
“Kyle‘s liecense came in handy when the keg ran dry. When he came back with a few cases of Keystone Light he was the life of the party.”
Meet The Staff campus managers Ziev Beresh & Justin Gawel
photographer Bailey Paskiewicz
Advertising ManagerS Victoria Bujny, Andrew Meggert Zach Martin, Michael Zalewsky
campus director Quinn Myers
Writers Alex Everard, Cody Manthei Phillip Keller, Hannah Borland Zoe Kremke, Garrison Rasmusen Andrew Rickerman, Zach Wyrzykowski, Jess Martinelli distribution manager Cara Stevens
owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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An Open Letter from Sesame Street to Mitt Romney Alex Everard wrote this Hey there, Willard! It’s your friends from Sesame Street! Ya know we sure did love watching all of the presidential debates. Each of us has compiled our own statement that we’d really like for you to read. After all, reading is learning, and knowledge is power! Big Bird: What’s up, you little spoiled rotten dipspit?! It’s the Notorious B.I.G. Bird here. I’ve got a question for you, Mitt-Fudge. Who the hay do you think you are? Click-clack, I run public television. You think you’re just gonna pull the plug on ME!? You think you can take down B.I.G. Bird?! I eat pieces of cluckin’ trash like you for my after-nap snacks. The POTUS ain’t got spit on me, you think I’m afraid of your silky-smooth-millionaire-(s)ass?! I’ll get Clifford the Big Red Boss Dog to roll on you faster than you can say “PB-SOL.” Oscar the Grouch: Hey, Mitt! You ever live in a trash can before?! Matter of fact, you ever live in anything that didn’t have four stories and two heated pools before? That’s what I thought. I don’t know how you think you’ll cut the deficit by slashing PBS. This cheap-ass network has had me living in the same tin can for the last two decades, you out-of-touch bastard. Oh yeah, cut PBS, then pay China back. But I bet you didn’t know that I get paid in cans of tuna fish. Why, because I choose to; dat’s how I kick it. Snuffaluffagus: Hi. Big Bird and the gang want me to yell at you, but I don’t know. Whatever. I’m a heroin addict, you know? I don’t give a shit what you do. Cut funding for this boring-ass network, I couldn’t care less. I have nothing to lose. I don’t even know what I am. You ever heard of a Snuffaluffagus? Even if my dick could get hard, I couldn’t find a mate. Somebody kill me. Kill me, Mitt, put ole Snuffy out of his funkin’ misery.
numverically imvossible?
Cookie Monster: Me all for Romney/Ryan 2012! Me quit this job today if not locked in contract for seven more years. Cookie mad for “redistribution of cookies” since Obama took office. Why me share cookies me work very hard to steal from five-year-olds? This capitalism, people. Hands off cookies, peasants!
Bert and Ernie: So it’s okay for you to be Mormon, a religion that allows polygamy, but Bert and Ernie can’t live together and receive marital benefits? Get your head out of the 1950’s. We don’t care if you slash funding to PBS, we breed prize labradoodles and own a winery that earns six figures a year. Guess what we don’t have, Mitten? A marriage contract. Tonight, when we make sweet, puppet love - we’re doing it so all puppets like Bert and Ernie can enjoy a loving relationship in bunk beds.
The Count: Von, twoo, vuck you Mitt Vromney. You mess vith the Count’s money?! You dare cut vunding to my vetwork? Ah…ahh…ahhh! I am de oldest vorking member of Sehsaahmee Street, and still two young to retire. Are you avare that the vathematics of your tax plan are
Today’s message has been sponsored by the letters “G, O, and P” as in “Get Outta here, Pussy!” Tune in next week, when the Sesame Street gang learns all about cursive writing and shapes!
What Really Grinds My Gears: The 2012 Presidential Erection Cody Manthei wrote this
Ladies and gentler ladies, I have a concern that needs to be addressed. Admittedly, I don’t watch much news, but something I overheard the other day has me bothered. Did anyone else not know that in early November there’s going to be a big presidential erection? Did you also know that no one is doing a goddamn thing about it? I mean, come on, America! Are we going to stand by and let this giant erection determine our country’s next president? I, for one, will not. It’s your job, as well as mine, to get this news out and let people know that a presidential erection is coming. First of all, I’m not exactly sure how an erection can even pick a presidential candidate. Is it like the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter, but instead of a hat it’s just a giant, talking erection? I’ve always dreamed that my erection would one day become a sentient being and make all of my critical decisions for me, but the more I think about it, the more terrifying that image becomes. Like a one-eyed, baby Godzilla-snake coming out of my downstairs. But instead of destroying Tokyo, it’s doing mundane, daily activities like dictating grocery lists, arguing with the mailman, or getting too drunk and puking all over my towels. Moreover, whose erection is it anyways? Whose genitalia are we trusting enough to analyze critical data over an extended period of time, and determine whether Obama or Romney will run this country for the next four years? Are the candidates planning to get fully torqued and have a literal cockfight, if you will? Can Mitt even get it up anymore? He has like fourteen kids, he’s a Mormon, and his wife’s kind of a bitch. Sounds like enough to take the libido out of Ron Jeremy, or even the number one pick in your fantasy slut league. However,
let’s be serious, if we were to pick one erection to decide our fate, it would undoubtedly be Lou Anna K.’s erection (which is also the name of my bong). Not to mention, we really have to sit back and consider whether this whole erection idea is even ethical to begin with. I certainly couldn’t find any mention of erections in the Constitution. Speaking of the Constitution, will there be an “erectoral college” to help us decide? America’s founding fathers would probably say that presidential erections were meant for French prostitutes, Martha Washington’s butt hole, and the occasional long stocking during those cold winter nights. They should not be the means to pick a president. Can you imagine a political system ran entirely on the premise of, “Hey, dudes, whip out your dicks; it’s time to pick a new president.” This is America, not my Sunday school basketball league. My ancestors did not non-consensually murder thousands of Native Americans to have this nation’s leader chosen on erection size alone. No, this is the type of democracy where the people get to choose which dick they want to rule them. Let’s pull our erections together, everyone. It’s the people’s turn to hang dong and let those bureaucrats know what we think, by, like, waving our massive boner of the free world like a baton, or slapping it on the counter at Starbucks again. So, go ahead, government. If it’s a presidential erection contest you want, then you’ve got one. Afer all, in a democracy its ultimately the people who collectively have the biggest, and most impressive erection.
The Top 10
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Reasons Not to Vote There are puh-lenty of reasons to vote, like: patriotism, activism, and exercising one’s democratic rights to the fullest extent. However, there are more than a few reasons to sleep in and start a Breaking Bad marathon on Netflix next Tuesday. They are as follows: 10.) You have to put on pants: It’s a Tuesday, which touches butts with Monday, so you’ll obviously be way too tired to get out of bed. Stay at home and eat pancakes, you’re doing jack shit today, citizen! 9.) “Where are the hors d’ouevres?”: We’re college students; we expect free shit. From free condoms at Olin, to free toilet paper and garbage bags in every dorm. Sorry, elections; if we don’t get something in return, we’re not RSVP’ing. Also, spare us the bullshit of, “You get to choose the president!” because if we truly “got to pick the president” we would already be on our second term of President Sinbad.
The Black Sheep Investigates: The Bull Moose Party Zoe Kremke wrote this Breaking news here at The Black Sheep, The Bull Moose Party is up and at it again. Let’s face it, the great old U-S-of-A is in a state of political disarray, and what better way to pull together a nation divided than an underdog political party comeback? Want to know more about what these Bullys are all about? Well, The Black Sheep has done an investigation of the return of this political powerhouse.
a strong, flawless platform of government revision, the Bull Moose Party is just what this country needs. All that government “revision” translates into America becoming a supernation of equality, gold-paved streets, and fire hydrants erupting with beer. “It’s time for a change,” Carl Roosevelt shared at the close of the ten-minute gathering, and we couldn’t agree more.
The Bull Moose Party ruled America with an iron fist in the early nineteen-hundreds, or so Teddy Roosevelt thought - but they didn’t do that great in the 1912 election. Truth be told, Teddy founded the party because he felt dejected after not making it onto the Republican ballot. We can’t blame him. Have you seen the crazy amount of straight freaks who make political ballots? Still, Teddy Ruxpin wasn’t good enough. Ouch.
Since it would appear that nobody in modern politics agrees on anything, why not throw a curve ball into the mix? What’s not to like about the Bull Moose Party? They had punch with real sherbet in it at the meeting, and that shit’s ultra classy, like, “Red Lobster on a first date” classy.
Anyway, back to our investigation. We took the liberty of sending our political correspondent to one of their meetings. These are held in grand nephew of Teddy Roosevelt’s basement, Carl “Theodore” Roosevelt*, who is also spearheading the mission to, “Bring Bull Moose Back.” The meeting was kept brief, but from what we gathered, the “Bring Bull Moose Back” campaign is gaining momentum. Twenty-five people attended the meeting, a seventy-five percent increase from last year’s gathering. Only a few of them thought it was a hunting-for-large-animals party, and only one couple with dementia thought it was the waiting room for the dentist. The rest, of course, were The Black Sheep writers (one of whom just flat out likes anything moose-themed). Nevertheless, what the team seems to be lacking in numbers, they more than make up for in spirit and style. Based on
Granted, their policies do seem to be a little shaky, and the government Carl is striving for seems straight out of Chronicles of Narnia, pre-White Witch. However, given what we’re working with now, does that really seem so bad? Aslan is a badass, and Carl, with his flaming red hair and rather large glasses, seems capable of handling himself with poise and bravery while speaking like Liam Neeson. For all of you still-unconvinced voters, think of it like this: you’re at an ice cream store. Now, both vanilla and strawberry sound super good, but you’re also sick of their shit. Vanilla and strawberry are always your two standbys, and, lately, they’re just not cutting it for you. So you decide to shake it up and try mint chocolate chip for the first time in four years. You might as well go for it; you only live once. Get out there, voters, with your hearts full of that catchy Bull Moose Party song, “Rock Lobster”. *There has been no actual records found proving Carl “Theodore” Roosevelt’s connection to the former President, we checked on Wikipedia and in our big, sexy brains.
8.) People-watching (or lack thereof): If you’ve never been to a voting station before, they consist of long lines, old people, and that ugly guy down the street who yells obscenities at traffic. As college students, we require beauty to lure us anywhere, and the old white women from East Lansing Rotary Club just aren’t cutting it. 7.) Walking: Walking totally sucks and, honestly, most of us hate walking anywhere unless there is the possibility of us having sex in the equation. And I think it’s pretty clear that there isn’t. 6.) Homework: We’ve all been there before: seven in the morning and that twelve-page paper is due in eight hours. After procrastinating with a few rounds of FIFA and every meal station at Brody, you only have about three hours to finish it. Did we say finish? Who are we kidding, start it. Sorry, elections, we actually “kind of care” about our education. 5.) Trolling: For every event in life, there are people who protest it. Yes, that includes your nephew’s third birthday and my Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. On your way to the elections, you’ll obviously want to troll the protestors and see how many you can rile up instead of voting. Someday you’ll tell your kids, “No, I didn’t vote in that historic election, but I sure did piss off some old God-fearing white people!” 4.) Saturday Night Live Elections: For years now, we’ve been blessed with SNL’s own rendition of Election Day. It only makes sense to have a watch party, and those Doritos and Miller Lites aren’t going to buy themselves! Get out to Meijer and be a good host. 3.) The Voice: If you’re one of the few people that still care about talent/singing shows, you’d miss The Voice’s 300th episode in the past month! Then again, if you watch The Voice voluntarily, maybe you should just stay at home and never go outside again. Especially not to vote, your judgment is already pretty flawed. 2.) Upset Your Parents: Nothing says “fun family dinner conversation” like telling Mom and Dad that you stayed home on Election Day and “Robo-tripped” on cough syrup. 1.) You read The State News: If you read that clusterfuck of misguided opinions from people over-reaching their intellectual bounds, we hope you literally fall off your high horse on election day and spend the day in hospital.
Garrison Rasmussen wrote this
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[PartyPics]
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What pressing issue are you looking to be dealt with in the upcoming four years as a result of the election?
"Homeless cats." - Josh L.
"Weed." - Brian R
"Student loans."- Shiran S.
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election issues no one is talking about Hannah Borland wrote this A common complaint amongst voters is the tendency of presidential candidates to get off topic and play racquetball with issues of lesser importance. While Mitt Romney does, in fact, play racquetball when he’s not rubbing hundredthousand dollar bills on his hairy chest before giving them to Ann to whip up into gold-flaked dog food to feed to his platinum-collared dog on top of his flying— sorry, we at The Black Sheep are just as easily distracted by saccharin fantasies of that sweet, dirty money as you are. Where were we? Ah, yes. Important election issues are being ignored in favor of piddling nuances such as the eek-onnom-mee, possible nuclear war, and whether or not Obama’s religion permits him to eat bacon. Sweet, dirty bacon. Issue 1 - LeBron James: If this much-ignored issue were ever featured in a debate. Obama’d have the edge simply because of his race—the 2008 presidential race, of course. Obama loves basketball; every elected president does, which explains why George W. Bush hated it so much. Essentially, America’s still divided between this ex-Cavs-turned-Heat forward’s supporters with some people still thinking that sticking with a crappy team out of “loyalty” is a good business move. (Editor’s note: “Loyalty” is not a synonym for “pity.”) The Black Sheep’s stance: Bron-Bron continues to be the man and run the floor in South Beach, while polarizing the NBA’s fans. And just like same-sex marriage, abortion, or whom they want to win The Bachelorette, we need to know where Mittens
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and Bro-bama stand on this. Issue 2 - Comic book movies: With movies based on comic books making up about, well, all of the cinematic releases in the past year, this should be a hot-button issue. The mainstream success of these films has resulted in millions of young women desecrating themselves on social media with posts such as “Luved the new X-Men movie! Such a geek, LULZ, #dorkgasm #sexmenfirstclass.” In turn, this has caused millions of young men to contemplate whether or not dressing up like a Hugh Jackman character (X-Men, not Happy Feet) for Halloween will result in misguided, geek-is-the-new-chic poon. The future coolness of our youth depends on this issue. The Black Sheep’s stance: Captain America would serve his country no matter who the commander-in-chief was. Both candidates need to put their foot down and… put an end to comic book movies? It’s a start, but, truthfully, girls are smart enough to find a different way to disgrace themselves on Facebook and Twitter. Issue 3 - Cat People vs. Dog People: With Romney’s PETA faux-paw of strapping his dog to the roof of the family car instead of one of his children, it would seem that Mitt is pretty pro-kitty. Obama, on the other hand, clearly enjoys gallivanting in and around the White House with Bo, the First Dog. At the end of the day though, they’re both heterosexual men, so at the very least that they’re both pro-pussy. The Black Sheep’s stance: When choosing a domesticated
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Future generations will take a break from their jetpacks, plasma burgers, or super-ecstasy to scoff at us for not addressing these vital issues of turbulence. Candidates, put your foot down on one side of these issues and be a pioneer for bringing these vital issues into the political forefront. Barack and Mitt, choose your side wisely; we’ve all seen the political fate of flip-floppers like John Kerry before.
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Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
TUES, 11/6
Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
$2.50 Call Liquor $3 All Pints DJ Juan Trevino
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WED, 11/7
$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE
1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino
WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
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WED, 10/31
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THURS, 11/1
TGIF @ The Shark $3 Doubles $2 Can Beer $3 Bahama Mama
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SAT, 11/3
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SUN, 11/4
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The Bar Grid
page 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Presidential Erotica: A Chocolate-Vanilla Swirl justin gawel wrote this President Barack Obama stews in the Oval Office late on the Friday night before the election. Frazzled about the country’s impending decision, he keeps running over numbers from various focus groups and polls as he wearily tries to figure out if he’s missing any key voters before Tuesday. Drained, he decides to call it a night and closes his binder - but just then the door opens. Stunned, Obama sees none other than his opponent, Republican candidate Mitt Romney, standing in the door. “Hey there. You’re looking well, Mr. President.”
of tea-bagging. Romney was trying to hold on for a few more moments, but it was no use. He accidentally thought about how little he paid in taxes as he took the First P out of his mouth and with urgency in his voice hollered, “do you want it in your mouth or on your face?” “What,” replied Obama, taking the governor’s Dick Nixon out of his mouth. “Well, I figured since you’re pro-choice I’d give you the option.”
“You too, governor. What can I do for you?” “Don’t play hard to get. You know exactly why I’m here.” As soon as Romney’s words leave his lips, he and the president each take three quick strides towards each other and collapse on the floor in a sloppy, homoerotic, interracial make out session that would make anyone’s grandparents vomit with rage. Mitt worked his mouth down the president’s wrinkled shirt and unbuckled his belt with his teeth as Obama reciprocated the action. “Happy birthday, Mr. President.” “It’s not my birthday.” “Then why are we about to party like it is?” Simultaneously and instinctively, they took one another’s Anthony Weiners and jammed it in their respective mouths in a beautiful bipartisan display. They had turned the Oval Office into the Oral Office in no less than two minutes. Although not members of the Tea Party, the two candidates proceeded to do their share
Without words Obama took some affirmative action. By the time it was over, the president’s face looked like it had been in an explosion at a whiteout factory. Romney, being a gentleman, reached in his coat pocket and pulled out several wads of cash and a Chinese baby so the president could clean himself up. “Talk about a loaded question,” Obama said through a laugh. “Yeah, you raise my flag pole like you raised the debt ceiling.” “Quit your filibustering and let me fill you, buster.” Obama stated as he aggressively bent Romney over the desk and mounted him from behind. “Oh, yes, we can,” Obama said to himself before storming Romney’s rear cave like it was in Pakistan and his dong was SEAL Team Six. Furiously, Barack began to rock the desk and basically initiated ass-warfare on much more than just the top one-percent of the area Mitt refers to as his “Martha’s Vineyard.”
Unlike his stance on the national border, Romney was fairly liberal with his personal borders. He began to cut loose and started just rubbing money all over himself while muttering non-sequiturs about tax loopholes and his loose poophole. Obama let freedom ring out. Exhausted, the two collapse onto the floor in a loving, patriotic embrace. Predictably, the president sparked up a post-coital cigarette while Romney began counting the money in his wallet to wind down, but not before letting a little bit of Santorum leak out of his strip-mine and onto the carpet of the Oval Office.
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page 11
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bartender of the week nate woody's Age: 26
Boxers or briefs? Injured Christian
Nickname: Nater Totkins
Bar pet peeve: People ordering hard to make drinks, one at a time.
Relationship status: Single Best pick up line: (someone walks up to the bar) "So when are you sitting on my face?" Favorite chaser: Whiskey Have you ever been involved in a threesome? Yes, I lost my virginity in one! Favorite old school cartoon: X-men Worst drink to make: Lemon drop
the drinking game
Social Media Shots Face it: You’re always checking your Twitter feed or Facebook Timeline anyway. Why not make a game out of it? Instead of looking like a jerk when you’re out at a party staring at your phone and tweeting, you can turn it in to a group thing the whole gang can enjoy. What You’ll Need: A Facebook or Twitter account, shot glasses, beer, and hard alcohol. Number of Players: You have like 1,000 “real” Facebook friends, right? Level of Intoxication: Enough to willingly send some nudie pics later on. How to Play: - Take out your laptop or iPhone, log in to Twitter or Facebook, and drink as follows: - Take a shot of beer every time you see: - A sob story status or tweet. - A “Happy birthday!” post. - Someone quoting a song. Take 2 if it’s Taylor Swift. - A “lyke dis if u love jesus/if u hate cancer/if u think this girl’s hot” post. - Completely uninformed political arguments. - Take a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - A picture of a girl naked/in her underwear/in a bikini. - A mirror shot of a guy showing off his muscles. - Someone announcing they’re getting engaged or having a baby. - Someone using a hashtag incorrectly. - An invite for an “I lost all my phone numbers!” event. - Give a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - Someone’s relative calling them out on an inappropriate status/picture/tweet. - Someone acting as the “grammar police” in response to a status or tweet. - Someone has favorited or retweeted your tweet or liked your status or picture. - Someone has invited you to join them in Farmville or some annoying Facebook app. - An Instagram link to a picture of food or pretty leaves. The Game Ends When: Everyone feels awful about their social lives or body image.
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Who was the last person you drunk dialed? Ex-boyfriend What's the best line someone used to get a free drink from you? Awkward flirt sessions Parties or bars? Woody's, strictly. Favorite fall drink: Cider with Fireball Who are you voting for this year? Obama!
Recipe for Disaster
Cavity Bark As soon as Halloween ends, all of the mounds of candy left over in grocery stores goes on sale. After an extreme binge session, you’ll most likely have become extremely bored of the redundant, Juicy-Fruit-caramely-nutty candy pieces. Fear not, because this bark of candy is guaranteed to liven up your candy-eating habits. What You’ll Need: Excess Halloween candy, 1/2 pound of white chocolate, and mini pretzels. Cook Time: 1 hour Fatty Factor: You’ll finally fill in that chubby pumpkin costume you bought a few weeks ago. Let’s Get Baked: - Line an 8-inch square baking pan with parchment. - Heat your chocolate up in the microwave and stir until smooth. Make sure to do it in 15-second intervals so it doesn’t burn. - Spread the chocolate along your pan. - Here comes the fun part: Take any excess candy you have and pile it onto your melted chocolate. We’re talking candy corn, Twix, everything you got! - Stick your pan in the freezer until it’s hardened. This should take about one hour. - Remove the bark from the pan and break into little pieces. - Now stuff your damn face. There are really no restrictions on this one. Except maybe leave out those nasty fruit snacks the teachers next door gave you and the pennies from the old geezer down the block. Shit’s nasty.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
The College Life of Past Presidents Andrew Jackson The ImpetuousAsshole Every once in a while you run into the kid who’s always looking for a fight. For some reason, just boozin’ and ogling girls all night doesn’t cut it for these guys – they need to establish themselves as the manliest man in the bar. Say something even remotely offensive, like “This food is too hot,” or “Hey, where’d your girlfriend go?” and they perk up a testosterone-riddled brain boner. Though our seventh president didn’t go to college, his friends probably hated hanging out with him. Reportedly, Jackson was involved in over 100 duels. And these duels weren’t over human rights or other matters of importance, most were about the honor of his wife, Rachel. Jackson lived with a bullet in his chest from an 1806 duel, and another bullet in his arm from a barroom fight in 1813 with Missouri senator Thomas Hart Benton. Where most guys will eventually cool down and walk away from a fight, Andrew Jackson said, “No, lets take it outside. With guns.”
calvin coolidge The Couch Potato Throughout college you’ll run the gamut of shitty roommates. From the kid who’s always “studying,” to the one who loudly bangs his overweight girlfriend, one of the most prevalent roommate-characteristics is the lazy asshole who never leaves his room. Whether he developed these habits at Amherst College or not is beside the point, because Calvin Coolidge carried them into the White House. Coolidge often slept 10 hours a day, and after waking up he enjoyed the morning ritual of having his head massaged with Vaseline while he ate breakfast in bed. Here the other White House-dwellers do their part in taking care of dishes and not sleeping through the morning – but Ole Calvin sits in bed eating until noon, getting Vaseline everywhere. You suspect the strange smell emanating from his room is beginning to take over the entire house. How he manages to get his work done is inconceivable, so maybe there is something to say about a good head massagin’ every morning.
Not all of the Presidents of the United States attended college, but most of them sure as hell acted like they did. We tracked down the best of the worst—the stereotypes. From fatty to fratty, below are six college stereotypes embraced by presidents long dead. By: Quinn and Brendan
Lyndon B. Johnson The Savvy Sex Machine Everyone comes to college with dreams of a multitude of sex partners dancing through their little brains. Then reality sets in, and you end up occasionally having sex with one girl, then get married, then die. But then there is your buddy, who you regard as a dbag but like hanging out with anyway. Perhaps you’re just jealous that, despite not being great-looking and lacking personality, this asshole manages to bring home different girls on the reg. LBJ, or should we say “El BJ,” was just that bro. He wasn’t in the White House long before installing a buzzer in the Oval Office so the Secret Service could warn him when his wife was coming. Your buddy might have a name for the girls he always brings home because he can’t be bothered to remember their names, be it “Asian Kelly,” or “Dance Floor Jenny.” LBJ couldn’t even go that far, and just called his small army of blowjobbers his “harem.”
gerald ford The Dumb Jock
Normal students often look on student-athletes with a haughty mixture of awe and disdain. On one hand, we love it when Jack Touchdown snags a pass to win a game in triple overtime. On the other, the idea that these guys get a free ride regardless of their academic acumen never quite exits the occipital lobe. With that in mind, one doesn’t expect star athletes to amount to much post-college. If the student-athlete is lucky, he’ll end up as the president of a regional fast food franchise; worse, he’ll end up president of his quickly-dwindling fan club. Then Gerald Ford comes along and shits all over your expectations. At the University of Michigan Ford starred as the football team’s starting center and starting linebacker—like your mom, he goes both ways. And in the days before helmets were worn on the field, he never suffered from pussy diseases like “brain damage” or “an early death.” The dude actually wound up as President of the United States after Nixon was forced to resign following the Watergate scandal. The dude totally smashed Keystone Light and pussy with the same vigor he did the SALT treaty. High five, bro!
William Howard Taft The Jolly Fat Guy His shirt may say “I beat anorexia” or “there’s more of me to love,” but we know behind closed doors this guy shovels ice cream cake into his mouth as he cries himself into a sleep apneainduced coma. William Howard Taft—prior to being eaten by a pack of wolves—was that fatass. Known as “Big Lub” during his time at Yale, he would go on to assume the 27th Presidency of the United States, where the comedic stylings of a fat suit movie continued. Taft was known for his insatiable appetite, and the gassiness that came with it. Furthermore, Fatty Fat Fat Taft famously got stuck in a White House bath tub on account of his fatness. Taft’s presidency lasted only one term which, in light of it resembling a bad Kevin James movie, is a good thing. And if his surely-marbled flesh is any indication, those wolves certainly found him delicious.
John Adams The Degenerate Wake up? Drink. Pass out? Drink. Go to class? Drink. Throw up? Drink. Some of us exist to go on and do great things, others exist as a living, breathing warning sign that things can go awry in a hurry if we don’t get our shit together. Well, unless that drunk turns out to be the second President of the United States. John “The Lush” Adams had a drinking problem, and that problem, most naturally, was his lack of drink. Famously he wrote a letter to his wife stating: “I would give three guineas for a barrel of your cider… I would give a guinea for a barrel of your beer. A small beer here is wretchedly bad. In short, I am getting nothing that I can drink, and I believe I shall be sick from this cause alone.” So yeah, hello spring break drunk dial voicemail. “Girl, I’m hammered but I jus wanna kish your mouth an have yew feed me my boozies an I jus threw up but I’ma be aiirigh---I’m gonna go sleep now, love you. Ya boo, Johnny A.”
the interview
Professional Bowler Michael Fagan
Michael Fagan is the PBA’s #3 ranked bowler. He’s a 4-time PBA Champion with one major under his belt. He’s traveled the world to bowl, and he also has a nickname: “The King of Swing.” Well, now he can check off another item off the ole’ wish list: an interview with The Black Sheep. We caught up with Mike because we were curious, what’s the life of a professional bowler like? Well, let’s find out. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How did you get interested in bowling? Michael Fagan: I started playing when I was six years old. My grandfather and mother were always bowling, so it was something I did as a kid. I looked forward to hanging out in bowling alleys on Saturday afternoon. As I got a little older I started going to tournaments every single weekend. I made a little money doing it in college, doing amateur tournaments. Trying it professionally was something I really wanted to do after college, so I joined the PBA. I had some moderate success, I paid my dues, and it’s starting to come to fruition right now. TBS: Where did you go to school? What did you study? Michael: I went to St. John’s in Queens, and I studied finance. TBS: How does one make inroads to becoming a professional bowler? Michael: In recent years they’ve definitely opened up the doors. There used to be a qualifying process, but these days if you think you’re good enough and you want to give it a shot, you pay your membership fees and you get your entries in. TBS: How did you make the jump from as you say, “moderate success,” to being one of the best bowlers in the world? Michael: Well, if you look at the first TV show I made back in 2003, I don’t throw the ball like that anymore. Back in college I was a little more irrational, more aggressive with my style—I’ve learned to tone that down a little bit, and I’ve figured out how to balance power and finesse. I’ve also learned to play the lanes differently, and that’s helped too. TBS: What’s your daily routine like? Michael: We have some tournaments coming up, so I’ve been practicing almost every single day. I’ll get up, have breakfast, hit the gym for an hour or so, check some emails, eat lunch with my fiancé, and practice for a couple of hours. Obviously in my profession you have to stay on top of the equipment, so I spend a lot of time in the pro shop trying out new balls and things like that. TBS: When you practice, how do you practice? Michael: For me it’s about working on my technique. Working on timing and releases. It’s situational things like how to play it straighter on the lanes, or if I have to hook it more, how to do that. TBS: Do you play your lane or your opponent? Michael: At the end of the day, you’re playing the lane. But, when it comes down to a match play situation, you have to pay attention to how your opponent is playing a lane, because each one of their shots can change the oil pattern. Someone with a high revolution rate, the oil pattern will change that much faster. At the end of the day, you’re bowing the pins. TBS: How much different is a competition lane from just an average lane in an average bowling alley? Michael: It’s a tough subject, honestly. When I was growing up oil was put on the lane to protect the lane. Now it’s used to alter the scoring environment with patterns. With technology and trial and error, there’s ways to oil the lane that will make the scores gigantic. There’s ways to pattern the oil where you’ll throw it towards a gutter, it’ll hit the dry boards and come back, or you’ll roll it down the middle and the ball will hold its line. We don’t bowl on those types of conditions. If you’re a decent bowler and you go to a random lane you can bowl 220 or 230 with those patterns, but we don’t play anything like that. The conditions we play on are comparatively much more difficult. It’s a tough thing, most people out there may not respect the pros because the scores on the tour may be lower than the scores in your everyday league. Bowling lanes are a business. They want people to strike, so they make the lanes easier to do that. TBS: Do you have a career highlight? Michael: Things have been going really well this past year and a half. Winning the USBC Masters this past January was my career achievement. It’s one of those events where I’ve never had a lot of success, but this year I changed my strategy. Like I was saying, in years past I’d play my opponent and their strategy, this year I just played the lane. TBS: Is there any country that’s crazy for bowling, and the layperson wouldn’t assume that to be the case? Michael: There’s actually several countries that are great in bowling, and it’s kind of a shame that bowling is not part of the Olympics yet—we have the participation and the skill level around the world. The Bowling World Cup sends one representative from each country to compete. 88 to 90 countries participate in it. Some fo the best countries out there are England, Finland, Sweden, South Korea, Malaysia, Singapore. The United States is still the best bowling country in the world, but the gap is narrowing. TBS: Is pop culture accurate? Is the 7-10 split the hardest shot? Michael: I would say I’ve made that more than I’ve made the 4-6. It’s a lot harder to slide the pin over or bounce it out, and I think I’ve only made the 4-6 once in my whole life, whereas I’ve made the 7-10 about 10 times or so. Read more about Michael at his website, faganbowling.com.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
The details in theaters november 2
Jeff and Nealy (Tobey Maguire and Elizabeth Banks) have been married for ten years and are living an ideal suburban life complete with the rocky relationship and infidelity. Just when things start getting really messy, a family of raccoons ransack their backyard and, before they know it, ruin a whole lot more than just their perfectly-manicured begonias.
flight in theaters november 2
Denzel Washington plays a badass pilot who miraculously crashlands a plane to save everyone on board. Homeboy becomes a hero, but naturally there's a catch - apparently, he had booze in his system during the time of the accident. Seems like an insignificant detail considering the circumstances, but what do we know?
100 Greatest Songs of the 90s Saturday, November 3 from 4pm - 9pm on VH1
If five straight hours of 90s hit songs sound like a great way to start your Saturday night, then this is what you'll need to be watching. So take a drink when P.Diddy is still called Puff Daddy. Take a drink when you know every word to a song. Take a drink when Britney was still hot. Take a drink for the beauty that is the 90s!
l a i t n e d i s e h s pr a face m
Eisenh
The man you see below has spend over 38 years in the White House. What, he's unrecognizable to you? Well maybe you need to hit up a high school history class, or maybe it's just because we took various presidential facial features and slapped them together. Yeah, that's it. Well, can you identify which presidential facial feature belongs to each commander in chief? If you can correctly identify the head, hair, ears, eyes, nose, mouth and moustache of each big boy, email Face@theblacksheeponline.com to claim your prize.
ower, Nixon, Obama, Kennedy Clinton, Bush Jr., Taft
the classtime Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is your new president speaking, and I know that my election win comes as a shock to most of you. Rest assure that even though I only have the brains of a ___1___- cast member, this country is going to get hella better. Here is why: • First things first, ___2___ will become legalized. Not just medicinally but, you know, for ___3___ shows and marathons of ___4____. And those nasty hangovers, my God. • Universal healthcare? Why not! If you broke your ___5___ while partaking in ___6___ fun with your favorite booty call, fear no more! There’s no longer reason to worry about ___7___ or knocking up your ___8___ anymore, because condoms and birth control will be free for all! Especially for ___9____ and ___10___, for obvious reasons. • Because it’s 2012 and not 1812, women will
madlib: presidential speech
have equal rights! Novel concept, huh? So if you had one too many ___11___’s at ___12___ and ended up grinding with ___13___ to ___14___ all night long, and he swooned you with ___15___ and then you ended up on their ___16___ and… you know… well, you can get that taken care of now. Because it’s your body that little monster will be brewin’ in, so it only makes sense. • The troops will be coming home in time for Thanksgiving! So get excited for maxing out on ___17___ and ___18___ football and ___19___, because this is America! Additionally, for the holidays all who have served in the past two decades will receive complimentary bottles of ___20___, ample ___21___ and ___22___ strippers, because, again, this is America!!!
1) Reality Show 2) drug 3) rapper 4) TV show 5) body part 6) sex position 7) STD 8) slang for “girl” 9) ugly celebrity 10) slutty celebrity 11) cocktail 12) Local shitty bar 13) ex-boyfriend/girlfriend
My fellow Americans, I hope that you are satisfied with your choice of president. The next four years are going to be bomb as hell, I swear.
14) catchy pop song 15) drunk food 16) piece of furniture 17) thanksgiving side dish 18) NFL team 19) shitty beer 20) quality tequila 21) stimulant 22) hair color
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