The Black Sheep
FR to EE.. th . Lik eg e un tick sh et ow s !
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Volume 3, Issue 13 12/6/12 - 12/12/12
Finals: one Mouthful at a Time McKinley Johnson wrote this
All right! You’ve made it through your entire semester: lying, cheating, and sleeping around more than Petraeus and Clinton combined; after all, you’ve got to keep those grades looking good. But now all the childish games are done, you only have to sleep with people you want to sex down. Why, you ask? It’s finals season! Did you get a familiar chill down your spine, kind of like that time you swore Goldy Gopher followed you to your apartment? Good, remember to fear those words, “finals week.” The most dreaded event on campus, next to pledge week at the frat houses. Enough lollygagging, let’s get down to the point here. Remember the dates: Yes, we know this can be especially difficult after months of alcohol and other questionable choices. But if you don’t do anything else, make it to the finals on the right day, in the right classroom. Play like Santa: make a list, check it twice and figure out who’s naughty enough to let you cheat off them after you stroll in twenty minutes late. Sleep: This is a ridiculously stressful time for some. These burnouts can be found laying in crevices along the school walls and in the snow, mumbling like the shell-shocked soldiers in Full Metal Jacket. For the rest of us, we have a patented procrastination schedule. Sleep, first on the agenda, the more the better, sleep through the last class before the test. What’s to worry about? Stuff yourself and get those carbs: You’re going to be using some serious brainpower here and we all know brain foods taste like ass. Stick to the good stuff, pizza (Mesa, obviously), burgers (Five Guys), and for you bleeding heart vegetarians, a dessert at McDonald’s. Sex: The greatest stress reliever of them all, everyone needs some love in this crippling time between finals when self doubt and depression linger in the air over the entire campus, as opposed to just SuperBlock. Hop on the good foot, and do the bad thing(s). Get athletic with it and remember this might be the last college sex you'll get in a long time. For all you know, you'll fail the test you should be studying for, fail out of school, lose your home, get a job killing puppies... all those dead puppies -- kill... baseball... -- oh, God. I'm done, time to get back to the books.
Winter Activities Inspired by Animals
Study: Does this word strike fear into your heart? Does it make you want to curl back up under your covers and forget this cold snowless December? Well buck up, it’s time to stimulate those flaccid grades you’ve had all semester and get a head. Everyone has their own special routine for their “special time” but the key is to be relaxed and open. Lay back on your bed, spread those pages wide and take in a mouthful at a time. Cheat: For all the smooth talkers out there who can kiss more ass than Joe Biden, there’s always cheating your way into that good grade. If you’re a girl, channel that high-class escort, or if you’re really bold get your Marilyn Monroe on
what’s inside
and make your professor feel like he’s John F(ucking) Kennedy. Guaranteed A. If you’re a guy you might want to brush up on your Cary Grant or Sinatra swag, sweeping that English teacher off her feet long enough to take a look at those exam sheets is going to take a little work, so start those Kegels, cowboy. Lying down with your book an hour a night in between The Walking Dead and all the ridiculously sentimental Christmas rom-coms will give you what you need to make it through these finals, by the skin of your teeth. Good luck, you’re going to need it.
TOp 10: Reasons Finals Will Kill You
Three Inventions Every College Kid Wants for Christmas
Squirrels, rabbits, bears and water bugs know how to party.
And suck out your soul and mutilate you.
We're really sorry they don't exist. Maybe next year.
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contents page 5: Mitt Romney a "Raging Alcoholic" After Losing the Election
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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At least he can afford the good stuff.
page 6: from the streets What's your favorite type of milk?
Table of
page 11: bartender of the week Jens on taking prairie fire shots and Severus Snape.
pages 12: Crazy Uncle Jackon's $20 Gift Basket Bonanza!!! If you're broke but still need to buy stuff for people, this is for you.
pages 15: the madlib Distract yourself from studying by filling in the _____________!
Be the first to live in UMN’s newest and best complex!
3 Bedroom Units, 5 Person Occupancy, for as Low as $410 a Person!
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week borantine:
The act of locking oneself into a quiet area to force oneself to study for an upcoming exam. "Neil put himself into borantine because he knew Adam and Keith would force him to play beer pong, and he really needed to ace his biology exam."
Meet The Staff campus manager Luis Guitart
photographer It COULD be you!
Editorial Manager Alyssa Hertig
campus director Brendan Bonham
Advertising ManagerS Hannah Comer, Eddie Lund
owner Atish Doshi
Writers McKinley Johnson, Katrina Nicholson Brady Knutson, Nik Strand Ryan Tomkins, Zack Chase
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
distribution manager Eddie Lund
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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The Top ten
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Reasons Finals Will Kill You Finals can kill. It’s a fact. Your future depends on the good grades that you didn’t achieve the first 95% of the semester. It’s your last chance to redeem yourself, but a sleepless 96 hours coupled with the anxiety of failing out of school will tear the majority of college students apart. 10.) No study breaks between tests: A finals schedule that has you going from one exam to the next makes transit even more perilous. Be careful when trying to study, cry, and jog at the same time to your next test, you might fall down the stairs or get hit by the campus commuter. 9.) Exams in the second half of finals week: Watching your friends struggle through the first half of finals week sure is fun. You get to do a little studying, relax, and watch as everyone’s life crumble around them one exam after the other. Your time will come once Thursday rolls around. It’s the quiet before the shit storm.
Winter Activities Inspired by Animals Alyssa Hertig wrote this The typical college student uses winter break to get baked, sit in his or her house and watch Breaking Bad. Okay, so that sounds awesome. But animals have way more fun. They don’t even think about anything except for food and mating. In the process, they do way cooler things than humans do. University of Minnesota students have become way too comfortable with their lifestyles. We love things like the internet, iPads, and Jersey Shore. Also, we rely on unsustainable forms of energy and our democracies don’t even function correctly. Animals don’t even need politics. So we better shut up and get in touch with nature. Animals have a lot to teach us about “fun.” You don’t even have to dress like them to get the full experience; you just need some booze and an open mind. Squirrel: In the spirit of these fat, furry creatures, buy a bag of nuts. Put them in your pocket. Find some friends, get a bottle of something from Dinkytown Wine & Spirits (drink until being a squirrel comes naturally) and climb trees. If someone looks at you, perk up your booty and stare at him for thirty seconds. If he gets closer or says something, run as fast as your legs will carry you to another tree. Climb it. Eat your nuts. Hide them jealously. Or, you can imitate the domestic squirrel. Sit in a cage in front of the TV with a bowl of cold, dry pasta and hiss at John Boehner every time you hear him speak about bipartisanship. Bears: Right after finals, eat everything in sight. We recommend beer, cheddar popcorn, steak, beans, rice, tacos, apples, Twizzlers, pizza sticks and cookies covered with ice cream (and sprinkles). If you imitate the bear to a tee, you will be able to completely halt your digestive system a few days after your last final. Your body will understand that you can’t digest anything under any circumstance (awe-
some), and then go to sleep. Sleep the entire break. If you wake up, you’re doing it wrong. If you wake up to open Christmas presents in the morning, you’re doing it wrong. Water Bug: All of these critters have died off for the year, but it’s important to keep their spirits alive in the negative-degree winters. Take out your ice skates and go to Van Cleave Park. You should probably take some friends because water bugging can be lonely, exhausting, and difficult on the knees. Notonectidae lie on their backs and kick their legs in order to paddle across the surface of the water. This is what you need to do. People just might stare at you and ask, “Whatcha doing?” or “Is this a new style of ice skating?” Just tell them the truth. You’re proving that Twitter is not worthwhile, that technology sucks, and that water bugs are the way of the future. You’re on a mission to become one with nature. Skating on your feet is not a natural way to glide across the ice.
8.) Impossible cumulative tests: Professors love making their tests impossible; everyone has had that one asshat that, at the beginning of the semester, declares to the whole class that “No one ever gets 90s.” This same prick is now going to hit you upside the head with a test that covers every piece of information (he didn’t cover) in class. 7.) Multiple tests on the same day: It never seems to fail; 4 final exams, 2 presentations, and a paper all due on the same day. Trying to cram for multiple tests on the same day is like playing in traffic on 35W: someone is going to get disemboweled. 6.) Forgot a Scantron: And that professor won’t give you one. Why, you might ask, because fuck you, that’s why. Jump off a bridge, the exam was worth 9,001% of your grade. You’ve studied hard, got your 8 hours of sleep, ate a balanced breakfast, and made it to class on time. Everyone else is too busy trying not to have a panic attack to help you out, and your professor has a smirk on his face. Try not to get any blood on your classmates when you impale your face on your pencil. 5.) Being sacrificed: People go crazy and do some weird things during finals week. You might be targeted for a ritual to the exam gods. Watch out for that crazy guy carrying a silver sickle, candles, and a goat’s head. 4.) Overwhelming stress: Finals week brings out the worst in people. Once the realization that you are going to fail every last test hits you, you wont have any hope left. If you’re going out, you’re going to take someone out with you 3.) Liver failure: We’ve trained ourselves to cope with the stress of life by drinking; it’s what we do. Finals week has more stress packed in to 5 days than the rest of the semester combined. Reach for the bottle and take a pull. There’s nothing like upping the odds for liver failure during the busiest week of the school year. 2.) Drug abuse: Aside from caffeine, you’ve opted to use the prescription drugs that you picked up from Sketchy Rob. You might know a guy who knows a guy who swears that Ritalin, Adderall, or whatever he takes to ease his ADHD plagued mind, helps him study. What’s wrong with changing your brain chemistry a little bit?
Rabbit: You might need a hit of something more potent than beer for this one. It’s hideand-seek time. Except the only acceptable form of movement is twitching. And the only acceptable form of travelling is hopping. When we say hopping, we mean pushing your ass to the ground and leaping with all your might and passion. Keep your hands tucked right above your chest. In between games, it is very important to raid your neighbors’ gardens. And then get in on like Benjamin Franklin in Paris. Oh yeah. Then one day the sun will stay above the horizon after 5p.m. Other humans will begin to poke their heads out of their hibernation holes, and the campus will spring verdant once again. It’s the circle of life, the wheel of fortune, and you’ll spin it to see what animal you’re going to be this spring. Let’s go blue whale!
1.) Caffeine overdose: Finals week is packed with unhealthy choices, and many of us just don’t really care. We’ll pour coffee, energy drinks, and cane sugar down our throats until we’ve memorized every last page of notes. We might make it through the test, but we’ll collapse as we turn it in from a combination of diabetes (pronounced: die-uh-bee-tuhs) and an exploded heart.
Nik nicholson Strand wrote katrina wrotethis this
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Residents Report: Mitt Romney a “Raging Alcoholic” after Losing the Election Meg Enter wrote this
BELMONT, MASS—Only a few hours after the Romney family’s return to their mansion, friends and neighbors began reporting suspicious activity occurring around the residence. Speculation swirled that Romney’s devastating loss in the presidential election led the devout Mormon of sixty-five years to taste his first sip of alcohol, which, naturally, quickly spiraled into a Tracy Morgan-esque bender. A mere hour after the former governor’s return to la casa de Willard, witnesses spotted Romney standing on his front lawn, hanging brain, and swigging from a nearly empty bottle of Maker’s Mark before trying to throw it at a stray cat. Evidence of the former governor’s drinking problem does not stop there. Numerous accounts in the weeks following the election shed light on the sad state of an alcoholic millionaire whose hopes and dreams for the last eight years of his remaining life have been crushed. The same neighbors that reported the initial incident further elaborated and said Romney made a quick trip to Michigan to visit his father’s grave. Mitt was seen at the gravesite sobbing and apologizing to his father for failing to live up to the Romney name. Reports also indicate that the former presidential candidate was drunkenly passed out on the cemetery grounds for several hours. A close male friend of the former vice presidential hopeful, Paul Ryan, has come forward to say that he and Paul have been involved in an steamy affair for several months now, and they are both are growing tired of being awoken in the middle of the night to Mitt’s drunk “I miss you” calls, “I will always love you” texts, and “you up?” sexts. Back in Massachusetts Mitt was spotted several times stumbling around his Bain Hills country club, wearing tighty-whities and a wife-beater like he was pre-
gaming for a Ted Nugent concert. He was incoherently stringing curse words together and yelling at Ann to get back in the kitchen, despite Mrs. Romney being absent from the scene. Mr. Romney was escorted from the country club by security after he reportedly groped and puked down the blouse of a young lady at the clubhouse that “Kinda, I guess, looked like Ann from behind.” Mitt’s affluent neighbors, staunch supporters of his campaign less than a month ago, have become distraught over his recent behavior and loss of distinguished hairstyle. The hairstyle has now taken on a life of its own, appearing not unlike the mop top sported by Ernie from Sesame Street. Meanwhile, Mitt’s wife and his children (Ben, Craig, Josh, Matt, Tagg, and Tugg) as well as his 411 grandchildren are inconsolable, as the head of the household has been missing from family dinners since November 7th. Mitt spends his day loitering around city hall performing crude acts on what appears to be an Obama-inspired voodoo doll. Friends of the family believe Mitt has lost touch with Jesus as a result of the election saying, “God did not favor Mitt on election night. It’s the only possible explanation for his loss.” A White House correspondent has reported that during this tumultuous time for Mitt Romney, President Barack Obama has occupied himself with business as usual, such as banging his lovely wife, watching all the seasons of The Wire, and fist-bumping Big Bird. Undeniably, November has not been great for Mitt Romney, but his community has made it known that with a lot of prayer, this situation is bound to be resolved. In the meantime, the former governor has replaced Jesus with Jack Daniels, as he slips into the subconscious of the collective American mind. Besides, “Romney Style” is so six weeks ago.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What is your favorite type of milk? “2% milk, however I am lactose intolerant.”- Adam, Junior
“I am lactose intolerant, so I use soy milk when I can cover it up with other stuff, like coffee. But with cereal or other things I use 1%. So soy or 1%.” - Ehren, Junior
“I don’t really like milk.” - Carl, Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 7
Three Inventions Every College Kid
Wants For Christmas
Katrina Nicholson wrote this This holiday season ushers in the season of giving. Giving a shit about finals. Giving that guy a phone call about maybe going to the doctor so he can give blood to see if he’s given anyone else syphilis. Giving your parents another excuse to front another semester of academics. But we're about giving, too. Using our imagination, we give you a few things that every college student should be given this holiday season. Drunk-Dicator: Who really cares about blood-alcohol count? The purpose of this machine is to tell you where you are on the scale of drunkenness. It also gives you helpful hints as to how you can kick it up to the next notch. Perhaps the best part of this device is the words of encouragement it offers. “Hey you're lookin’ great tonight, you should text that one girl/guy you like!” or “Don't worry, no one just saw you throw up all over yourself!” This machine would be attached to a mouthpiece similar to a breathalyzer. When you consume alcoholic beverages, you breathe into the mouth-piece and the output screen will indicate the following: - How drunk you are: buzzed, tipsy, drunk, really drunk, plastered, shitfaced or hospital-bound. - How many drinks you've had (bragging rights, duh). - How many more drinks you personally require to get to the next level. - The volume of your voice. Skip-or-Go: This machine is extremely important in the weeks preceding finals. It reads the minds of each of your professors and, based on advanced computations, decides whether or not you should bother going to class or not. It takes into account many important factors, including but not limited to: class time, posted slides, instructor's lecture style, class size, and most importantly, what is likely to be on the final exam. How exactly does one go about using this device? It's disguised as an alarm clock so you just wake up, roll over, hit the top of it like a snooze button and the words “SKIP” or “GO” will flash across the screen. It's simple, easy to use and will inevitably save your final grades. DTF3000: Of the three inventions, this is the most useful to every college student. The DTF3000 is placed directly on the eyeball like a contact lens through which your vision is normal. Except for one thing: DTF3000 intensely examines each passerby and based on ad-
vanced analysis of physical and mental signs of libido, alerts you as to whether each person is down to fuck or not. In addition, DTF3000 can test for STDs and give an assessment of the subject's skill in sexual endeavors. Say goodbye to that uncertainty you face at a party when you just want to get laid, DTF3000 has your back. These three inventions could drastically improve the college experience by eliminating all the crippling uncertainty we face on a daily basis. Imagine a world where we could actually control how drunk we get. Imagine being able to sleep through lecture without that tiny seed of dread that we'll probably fail the class. Imagine being able to know if someone wants to have sex with you or not, without having to ask! With these inventions, our world would be at peace.
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9pm - Close $2 Coors Light $2.50 Long Islands
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AUC2D! (All-U-Care-2-Drink) (college or military ID for AUC2D) $6 AUC2D Domestic Taps, $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O Bombs, $3 Jack Daniel's & SoCo Mixers, $15 "Group Sex" Fishbowls
FRIDAY 12/7
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails Live Music 10pm - Close
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SATURDAY 12/8
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Late Nite Happy Hour: 7-10pm: $4 Vodka Redbulls, $3 Any Pint, $3 Wells, $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $25 Fishbowls 8pm - Close: $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $6.50 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands, $4 Bacardi Mixers $3.50 Bottles of Bud Light
SUNDAY 12/9
6pm – Close: $3 Bells & PBR Tall Boys
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot): 4pm - Close
Closed on Sundays, But Don't Miss Happy Hour Mon-Fri: Happy Hour 3-8pm Mon.-Fri, & 4-8pm Sat. 2 for 1 on "almost" anything & $1 off appetizers
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8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers Open Mic 10pm - Close
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
Mason Jar Monday! $3 Bud & Bud Light, Double Wells, Double Jack and SoCo Mixers $5 Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud Light Beer Towers
TUESDAY 12/11
8pm - Close $2.50 Mexican Beers & $3 Sauza Gold
Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints
$3 U-Call-It's
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$0.15 Wings 9pm 'til They're Gone! $8 Bottomless Mugs of Miller Lite, Wells and Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 Miller High Life Tall Boys
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Happy Hour from 11 am - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
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Closed
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TUESDAY 12/11
$4 House Margaritas - any flavor! $2 Rail Drinks , $3 Any Pint $4 Any BIG Draft
Legendary wild wednedays: college id night
Happy Hour from 3 -6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Karaoke from 10-Close
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Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! All You Care to Drink (8-Close) $6 Domestic Drafts, $10 Domestic Drafts and Rail drinks, $2 Kami-quila shots Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! $3 Captain and Jack Drinks $3 Domestic Tall Boys $4 1800 Silver and Reposado shots Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! $4 Domestic Tall Boys, $3 Sauza Tequila shots, $3 Bacardi Drinks Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM
(excluding Chimay, Matilda & Big Eddy)
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks!
Power Hour 10pm - 12am: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles | Free Cocktail Hour: 11pm - 12am (w/ college ID) | $3 U-Call-It 11pm Close (Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails and Calls) $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
Power Hour 10pm - 12am: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles | Free Cocktail Hour: 11pm - 12am (w/ college ID) | $3 U-Call-It 11pm Close (Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails and Calls) $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
page 11
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bartender of the week jens sally's Favorite drink: Jack and Coke. Worst drink ever: Four prairie fire shots I was fed to on my birthday. Crown Royal, tequila and Tobasco.
Tell me about your life since birth in a few sentences: [Laughter] Popped out, popped up, started walking, learned some things in school, graduated and spent the majority of my time with my good friends.
Relationship status: Engaged Mustard or ketchup: Ketchup What’s your favorite band/musician: Dave Matthews Band Would you rather be a Ghostbuster or Peter Pan, and why: Uh, Peter Pan because he can fly and he gets to hang out with a half naked fairy. What sort of dinosaur would you be, if you had that choice: Velociraptor, because it kicked ass in Jurassic Park.
the drinking game
bozo buckets Mitch Hedberg once joked that people who hand out flyers are basically saying, “Here, you throw this away.” Any college student that has experienced the first walk through campus can verify that 100% of the flyers they get are eventually thrown in the trash. Here’s a way to dispose of those pointless flyers that’s more fun than recycling! Imagine that! What You’ll Need: Five garbage cans, booze, beer and shot glasses. Number of Players: As many that will agree to part with all that pointless paper. So, everyone. Level of Intoxication: Expect a nice soupy concoction of puke and flyers in your trash cans. Let’s Get Sloppy: - Label your garbage cans with numbers 1 through 5 and line them up in a row. - Each number refers to a different task and goes as follows: 1. Go run: You must chug a beer while jogging in place. 2. You’ll spew: Take two shots. Yes, in a row. 3. Take a knee: You must get down on one knee as someone distance pours a shot in your mouth for three seconds. 4. Hit the floor: You must lay down on your back and shotgun a beer. 5. Barely alive: Take a shot, chug a beer for five seconds. - Assign a starting point line so everyone throws from the same distance. Take that random pledge who needs to be put in his place and make him lay down on the floor perhaps? - Alternate taking turns throwing your crunched-up flyers into the buckets. Whichever bucket your flyer lands in, you must do the task that corresponds to the bucket. The Game Ends When: You run out of flyers and are actually considering waiting out on the Quad to snag some more.
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What do you think is really awesome: The flying squirrel suit when you skydive. Youtube it. Where’s your favorite place to eat around campus: Besides Sally’s, Bona. So Severus Snape walks into Sally’s, what do you do: I immediately tell my managers that I’m done for the day. I’m about to take a shot with Severus Snape.
Recipe for Disaster
every-meal burger You've got a fridge full of stuff you planned on cooking all semester, and well, it never happened. You don’t want all that stuff to be in there over break because it might mutate into a destructive monster, so you decide to eat all your meals at once. Hence the “Every-Meal Burger.” What You’ll Need: Frozen waffles, syrup, a hamburger patty, lettuce and ice cream. Cook Time: Twenty minutos. Fatty Factor: You might have to go to the hospital for a clogged artery or two. Let’s Get Baked: - Grab your burger meat and grill that sucker on a skillet or grill. - While that’s cooking, pop some waffles in the toaster. - Lather your hot waffles with a thin layer of syrup. - Lay a piece of lettuce down. - Add a scoop of ice cream on top of your lettuce. - Place the burger on the ice cream and sandwich it in with another scoop of ice cream. - Place another piece of lettuce down. - Put your waffles together and prepare to experience a mouthgasm. Your taste buds are going to go into a state of shock at first because of all the different flavors hitting them at once. After that stage is over, you’ll either experience extreme satisfaction or explosive diarrhea. Bon appétit!
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s ' n o s k c a J e l c n
U y z a r C
! ! ! a z n a n o b t e k s a
b t f i g 0 2 $
Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money. Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a Scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?
for the very virginal Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”
• 1 Pint of shitty vodka ($4): When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it. • 1 Trojan Pleasures Extended 3-pack ($5): Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early. • 1 Pocket Kama Sutra ($6): Yes, page one has the missionary position on it. • 1 4gb MircoSD Card ($4): He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data.
for the mother hen Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her. • 1 Magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10): With eagleeye vision, she’ll be able to protect other groups of girls
from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun. • 1 Leash ($6): Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close. • 1 Whistle bracelet ($2): As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box. • 1 Appointment book ($2): If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.
for the brokest of bros He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one. Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change. • 1 Maruchan Top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50): He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog. Dude’s starving. • 1 12oz bottle of Sriracha
sauce ($3): Everything he eats may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms. • 2 Months of NetFlix streaming ($9): The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache. • 1 Charmin Ultra Soft 4-pack ($6): Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.
for the rowdy roommate The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny. The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet. • 1 Dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6): Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix this shit immedi-
ately” like spackle for the holidays. • 1 Great Neck 1-inch putty knife ($6): The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not. • 1 Woolite Pet Stain & Odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4): It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit. • 1 Korky Plunger ($4): Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.”
for the super study buddy If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now. You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick? • 1 Starbucks gift card ($5): She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you
by morning. • 1 Study Smart, Study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8): If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night? • 1 Post-it tags ($4): She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important. • 1 Funky Star sticker roll ($3): Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her.
for the hometown homeboy Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday -- an actual phone call! Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices. Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do. • 1 Soda Can Stash ($8): No matter the vice, a parent will find it. Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can. • 4 Random shirts from the local Goodwill ($4): When she’s
forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” tshirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for bigconference sports brings. • 1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5): When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one. • 1 Community college bumper sticker ($3): When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions. Score, social strata superiority.
HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX blowin’ up
Les Miserables WIZ KHALIFA - O.N.I.F.C.
DJANGO UNCHAINED
KESHA - WARRIOR
WII U
Bruno Mars Unorthodox Jukebox
lame
cool Big boi - vicious lies and dangerous rumors
GUARDIANS OF MIDDLE EARTH GUILT TRIP
JaCK REACHER ANGELS AND AIRWAVES STOMPING THE PHANTOM BRAKE PEDAL
under-hyped
HOTLINE MIAMI
the riddle
Can you figure out this riddle? Do you know the answer to said riddle? Wow, really!? Well, send your answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and if you’re right, you’ll win something sweet!
the madlib So I was just minding my business the night before Christmas Eve, sneaking a ___1___ or five in my parent's ___2___, watching ___3___ for the ___4___ time, my God, it doesn't get old! Anyway, I went upstairs to grab some more ___5___ because hey, I'm starting my diet January 1. And I couldn't believe my eyes. There he was, that ___6___ effing beast of a man, Santa Claus. At first I thought it was all the ___7___ I had consumed clouding my vision, because at this point I've had enough to make a ___8___ ___9___ enough to bang a ___10___. But it got much worse. My ___11___ of a mother was sitting on his lap, wearing only ___12___ and ___13___, with ___14___ wrapped around her. She was feeding him ___15___ and they were watching ___16___. Then he started kissing her ___17___ and I was so stunned I dropped my snack and, suddenly, they turned around. My mother stayed strong. "Oh, hi!" Santa beamed and said "Hello, there! HO HO HO!"
i saw mommy kissing santa claus
I felt like a pound of ___18___ had just passed through me; my butt tingled and I got nervous. "What… where's dad?" Santa quickly answered, "Oh, we shipped him to ___19___ to help make ___20___ for all of my deliveries!" I ran over to Santa and grabbed his ___21___, chugged it, threw the glass against the ___22___ and then ___23___ Santa in the face. His cheeks got rosy, but he did not get mad. "I love your mother, and you're going to have to accept that." Santa then got down on one knee, and fumbled through his pockets to find a ___24___-encrusted ring, the size of a ___25___ and it glistened like it was in a ___26___ commercial. My mom shrieked, cried, and brought his jolly ole' beard in close to give a sloppy ___27___ Well, at least I know I'll always be getting sweet presents for Christmas.
By: the black sheep staff
ALL DAY, EVERY DAY
1) Alcoholic beverage 2) room in a house 3) popular christmas movie 4) huge number 5) holiday snack 6) synonym for "fat" 7) beverage from #1 8) large wild animal 9) slang for "drunk" 10) small house pet 11) negative slang for "woman" 12) outdoor clothing 13) type of shoes
14) holiday decoration 15) holiday dessert 16) bad nic cage movie 17) body part 18) dense food 19) foreign country 20) trendy technology item 21) liquor drink 22) piece of furniture 23) type of punch 24) unusual jewel 25) summer fruit 26) high-end brand 27) slang for "kiss"
EVERYTHING IS 2-4-1!
BRAND NEW MENU <> 24 BEERS ON TAP
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