The Black Sheep
f pe ree rf ... or lik ma e i nc mp e f ro ro mp m tu Mi gu ke it Go ar ul d.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 7 • 3/7/13 - 3/13/13
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WHY ARE YOU GETTING ENGAGED? Alexandra Adams wrote this Okay, we get it. Love is adorable or whatever. But let’s just take a calm, collected step backwards and consider the reasons as to WHY THE HELL YOU’RE ENGAGED AT AGE 19. Indeed, if you peek about campus, especially at some weird religious school (we're watching you St. Thomas) you’ll find a little ring on a little lady’s little finger. We say “little ring” because we college kids can’t afford real wedding rings. We're too busy doing other things, like being poor. Of all of the stupid choices one can make in college -- spending all of your money on booze, jumping buck-naked into one of our 10,000 lakes, or repeating a remedial class because you forgot it existed, etc.-- YOU CHOOSE MARRIAGE? You do understand that you’ll only be able to fuck one person for the rest of forever, right? The point of college is to bang as many people as possible – or at least do something with them. If you want to be in a committed relationship, that’s fine. Dating someone means that you don’t have to go to parties alone or almost commit suicide on Valentine’s Day. Plus, ending things with a college girlfriend or boyfriend is as easy as changing a Facebook status. We totally dig the whole “dispensability” factor of a four-year fling. In fact, we think it's the perfect setup for a self-discovery. You know, the kind where you hurt other people to become an individual? And the best part is you can totally forget about it after the breakup. But marriage, you guys, is SERIOUS SHIT. The fact that 60% of marriages end in divorce doesn’t change things either, because divorce is license for your ex to financially screw you over. At least with relationships, exes or past hookups don't walk away with half your assets. College is for mischief, not matrimony. Wouldn’t you rather be spring breaking than honeymooning? Whisky dick is totally allowed whilst spring breaking. However, too much of the beautiful booze will turn your wedding night into MISERY. And you don’t need that. The worst part is that YOU AREN’T EVEN PREGNANT. This might possibly make sense if you had some sad alien growing in your uterus. But you don’t. In fact, you probably haven’t even had sex with your fiancé. If premarital sex is anything, it's impractical. Why wait until marriage to bang? Wouldn’t that encourage divorce (which, as we understand, is frowned upon by Lord Jebus)? If you really think about it, no one wants to spend the rest of their existence training a spouse how to
Things To Avoid At A Thrift Store
have sex. Just imagine marrying someone you haven’t had sex with just to realize they’re terrible at it. Boom. Marriage ruined. Now you’re just two bitter people who only have sex half-heartedly while thinking about mundane shit like bills or taxes. Gross. What if you guys have a bunch of equally sad little childmonsters? They’ll be running around destroying everything in sight – except for your sham-marriage. That was already broken. What we’re saying is: marriage is terrifying in every possible way. It’s bad enough that you are contemplating marriage at
what'’s inside
The Taylor Swift Effect And Other Pop Culture Phenomena
all. But at 18 or 20? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Are you just looking for an easy way to become miserable very quickly? Try taking a long, pointless run or looking up how much college debt you have. At least those are more practical causes for depression. Just leave marriage for later. Remember, you’ll probably live to be like, 90. And as terrifying as that already sounds, imagine having to spend SEVENTY of those years with ONE person. Marriage is a sure way to the grave, and marrying young is like taking a tractor to quickly dig six feet under. Take your pick… or get some damn cats.
A german girl's guide to an irish holiday
Because you don’t want crabs from buying secondhand underwear.
Maybe it’s time you take control of your guilty pleasure addictions.
Infiltrating bars and chugging beer, something anyone of any nationality can get behind.
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4: Shenanigans and Shamrocks: The Top 10 St. Patty’s Events
page 4
Here’s the breakdown for an unforgettable St. Patty’s Day at the Twin Cities.
page 6: from the streets what's your best st. patrick's day memory?
page 10: The Future of Communication: ABC = 010000010100001001000011
Table of
scared and confused? YOU SHOULD BE.
page 11: are you smarter than... malinda, a u of m english teaching assistant?
pages 12-13: The Mike's Hard Taste Test We choked down ten different flavors of Mike's Hard Lemonade and hardly even got a buzz.
page 14: We Interview: AER Brendan got to chat with the white-boy duo, who are on tour with Hoodie Allen now!
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Civiliesed: A faCade of normalcy put up by college students when visiting parents arrive. “Quick Karen, hide our collection of stolen keg taps, my parents are five minutes out and we have to be civiliesed.”
Meet The Staff campus manager Luis Guitart
marketing manager Nishad Trivedi
Editorial Manager Alyssa Hertig
campus director Brendan Bonham
Advertising Manager Eddie Lund
owner Atish Doshi
Writers McKinley Johnson, Katrina Nicholson Alexandra Adams, Becca Marsnik Tim Krueger, Liandra Sy Gabby Vanden Avond
Founders Luis Guitart, Hannah Comer, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers,
distribution manager Eddie Lund
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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US Bank Aurora Center CSL Plasma Bar Abilene Walter Library Rec Center Carlson School Of Management Hanson Hall/ Starbucks Willey Hall Papa Johns (Eating Area) Wilson Library/ Dunn Bros Boynton Student Health Services St. Paul Student Center Appleby Hall Murphy Hall GREEK HOUSES! BINS ON CAMPUS!
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The
Top 10
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Shamrocks and Shenanigans:
St. Patty's Events
Alas, we’ve come to America’s favorite holiday; the one time of the year people can get shit-faced in a bar full of strangers, and it’s completely okay. Kind of like a big frat party, but with less red loins and more sloppy sex than a Penthouse forum letter. The day blood runs green and merriment is the rule of the day. The day, of course, is St. Patrick’s Day, when we remember some Irish guy who said, “Drink and be merry in my name!” We love this idea, so we’re here to guide you, Twin Cities' urbanites, to get your Irish freak on. 10.) The Get Lucky 7K: Race through downtown to build up that thirst. Remember to rock a green hoodie the whole way to show your Irish pride. Any wise frat boy will tell you that a good beer always tastes better after you’ve had to work for it. 9.) The St. Patrick’s parade in downtown Minneapolis and St. Paul: Bring some beers for you and your mead mate. You might be a little too old for this sort of thing, but when you’re drunk and singing your heart out on one of the floats, it will be a YouTube video to remember. 8.) Go visit your downtown Irish pubs: O’Donovan’s or Kieran’s just to name a couple. Both will be having live music and drink specials that will blow your mind, or more to the point, scar your liver. That’s okay. It’s not like you’ll remember what happens after that 4th Irish carbomb anyway.
Things to Avoid at a Thrift Store
7.) Go visit your college Irish pubs: If you’re too lazy or drunk to make it all the way downtown, walk your inebriated ass down to the local Dinkytown Irish pub, Blarney’s, and get yourself a green shot to match the color of your face. There's nothing like a sickening, all-natural hue to get in the Irish spirit. It's a lot easier than all the mess of green face paint. 6.) Station 280: Oh yeah, two-for-ones have never been so sweet. Ladies, take full advantage of shitfaced chivalry. That drunken slob could be your gateway to endless free drinks. Gentlemen, what other divine message from St. Patty do you need? Here's a bar that makes binge drinking cheaper. Get your drink on.
Gabby Vanden Avond wrote this Between Macklemore’s swanky tune and the adorable hipsters pedaling around campus on their Schwinns, it’s easy to see the appeal of thrift shopping. While vintage jackets and long skirts are reasonable things to buy secondhand, there are a myriad of things that one should either buy new or not at all. A cat litter box, for example, is something one may want to consider buying new. The whopping five dollars saved is definitely (DEFINITELY) not worth the vomit-inducing hours of scraping someone else’s cat’s dried feces off the sides of the box. Similarly, if you are buying a present for a family or friend's kid (or maybe even for your own), you may want to consider buying a training toilet from a respectable establishment like, say, Target. Wanting to be thrifty for a kid who isn't yours is perfectly understandable, but beware. Hell hath no fury like a mother scorned. They'll make you literally pay for that rash you gave her kid. Have you seen the price tags on children's pharmaceuticals? Also, it’s nasty. As a general rule, you’ll want to avoid buying undergarments from a thrift store. You have no idea what went on in those flesh drawers, or how many times the previous owner of those socks had athlete’s foot. It's a crappy feeling when you feel like you contracted an STI without actual sex. Take your stingy ass to the store and buy a pack of new boxers for a measly ten dollars. Seriously. That is way cheaper than getting new carpet after you vomit at the sight of the used ones. In fact, if you see undergarments for sale secondhand, turn around and walk out of the store. Clearly that particular establishment has no standards for what they put on their shelves. Golden Gophers know better than that. Someone call the health inspector, stat. Another secondhand no-no: crock pots. You do not need a crock pot. While yes, a new crock pot is expensive, you’re only going to use it twice a year. Let's not forget that it takes forfucking-ever to make anything with it. Survey says: definitely not worth the salmonella lurking in the lining. Save the roast beef for when you have dinner at your mother’s, and pass up on the used kitchenware. Lastly, for the love of all that is holy, do not buy a loofah secondhand. The fact that someone thought to themselves, “Oh hey, Goodwill probably wants this fluffy piece of spongy stuff that I use to clean my balls,” then someone at Goodwill was like, “A customer is really going to want to buy this used loofah because spending a whole dollar on a new one is outrageous,” is a sign that the mental capacity of today’s generation is frighteningly limited. Loofahs are relatively useless anyway. If you feel the need to save fifty cents on a used, pointless object, you deserve to find someone else’s pubic hair in the crevices of the mesh. Saving the environment is a beautiful thing, and thrifting is a wonderful way to do it. All you have to do is use that college brain of yours and avoid buying products that may contain traces of bodily excrements or moldy food. As mature adults it shouldn’t be that hard… and that’s what she said.
5.) Local music: Minneapolis is a thriving musical metropolis of young talent, and there's nothing like a cheap concert filled with drunk music lovers to get the green blood running. Hop on down to First Ave. and 7th Street Entry for local entertainment. Dance, drink, and let the good times roll. 4.) A bowl of Lucky Charms to start the day off right: Get your sugary energy early in the day to squander later. You’re going to need it tonight to aid in your search for something “magically delicious.” 3.) More Dinkytown entertainment: Head to The Library and make a fool of yourself on the dance floor. Step upstairs and hustle some poor drunks out of their money on the pool tables. You're gonna see lots of green tonight. 2.) Beer pong at Burrito Loco: Premium beer and a free pitcher of wings. And a free pitcher of puke once those wings come back up. 1.) Home Sweet Home: It's always awesome to drink at your own house. Get your beers, gird your loins, and strap on your big boy pants. Tonight's the night for some alcoholic couchloving.
McKinley Johnson wrote this
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The Taylor Swift Effect
and Other Pop Culture Phenomena Rebecca Marsnik wrote this Everyone’s guilty of it. You hear a song on the radio or at a sick party on Frat Row, and you immediately think, “Oh. My. God. Another Taylor Swift song? That girl has more problems than a CSE kid’s math homework.” Yet the radio stays on. You stay in the room at the party, and a minute later you’re singing at the top of your lungs, “I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE WHEN YOU WALKED IN!” In this case specifically, it's the Taylor Swift Effect, but it can be labeled under a broader spectrum of guilty pleasure addictions: The Pop Culture Phenomenon. What is responsible for this? Is it some T-Swift virus-spreading bug? No one knows. It's the kind of trashy, distasteful music and TV shows that make you want to puke but still have you coming back for more. So what is it about these things that are so revolting yet so appealing? It can’t be the beauty. The only reason you watch The Bachelor is because you can’t let your roommate watch it by herself. Come on! That’s just sad. You have to watch it with her for moral support, and it has nothing to do with the All-American Texas hunk who is blonde... and tan.... and beautiful. Obviously that’s too superficial for your level of intellectual depth. You’re there for moral support. Only moral support. Actually, there must be something that attracts people to these third-rate genres of trash. If this can give the healthiest, most straight-shooting of your friends a mild Bieber Fever, there must be some strong, inexplicable force behind it that makes us ill. And not even the good “I’m sick enough to get out of class but healthy enough to go to The Library and get completely wasted” kind of ill. This is the horrifying “Why can’t I turn off the AMAs?” kind of ill. When your roommate turns on the AMAs, VMAs, or some other trashy awards show, you try to walk away. But despite your best efforts, you find yourself sitting through the entire thing, bitching about how Nicki Minaj won Best Rap Artist when you know Macklemore is so much better. Then you go on about how the stupid people who run these shows don’t know good music even if it backhands them across the face. And when your roommate gets annoyed and says, “Fine. We’ll just turn it off,” you, being the wonderful roommate you are, say, “No. I know you really want to watch this. We’ll keep it on for you.” There’s nothing like passing off the blame to condescendingly mask your shameful addiction, but The Black Sheep knows. We know you are dying to see if T-Swift finally wins that Artist of the Year award she deserves so much.
It’s a horrible illness, and, unfortunately, we have no cure. There is only prevention. Sign up for a “Shitty Pop Culture” detoxification session at the nearest rehab and stay the hell away from any mainstream media source. We may not know what causes this “Taylor Swift Effect” or any other guilty pleasure phenomena, but we do know one thing: we must band together to free ourselves from its grasp. It’s time to take a stand against pop culture. We must do it now… or maybe next semester. With pre-spring break midterms around the corner, we might need a little trashy escapism. Besides, Dance Moms is getting really intense, and you have to watch it, you know, for your roommate. She'll need all the moral support she can get watching all those “tiger mom” cat fights. Yeah. That’s it. After that we’ll take a stand.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
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What is your best St. Patrick's Day memory? “Shook my Shamrocks in an Irish pub.” - Michael, Sophomore
“Got down and dirty in Vermillion, South Dakota.”- Macy, Freshman
“I explored an old cement factory.” - Ellie, Freshman
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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A German Girl's Guide To An Irish Holiday Katrina Nicholson wrote this St. Patrick's Day: one of the many excuses throughout the year to get completely wasted under the pretense of a holiday. For the Irish, it's a sacred occasion to show off the roots they know nothing about. Instead of hiding their inability to face prolonged sun exposure without massive amounts of sunscreen, they flaunt their genetic predisposition to be able to pound beer after beer without a moments of hesitation in between. For the Germans, it's a chance to hold their ground as premiere drinkers. While this day is insignificant to a German’s culture, he or she must show the O'Learys and the O'Malleys of the world who the real ubermensch drunkard is. They have to get out there, clad in Lederhosen, and drink gourmet beer with the rest of them. Not German? Not a problem. You're welcome to this equal-opportunity, liverscarring challenge. Sure, Oktoberfest came and went like the alcohol provided for it. St. Patrick’s Day is another time for the rest of the world to infiltrate the bars and chug beer like you’ve never chugged before. Irish girls always claim they can drink the most. Make them eat their words like the beer-battered bread they're shoving down their throats for the occasion. While they're all gathered around the table chanting some rhyme about jolly old Saint Patrick, you must stride over and slug down an entire handle of Jägermeister. Leave no traces behind. Then wipe your mouth with pride and stumble away as fast and as swiftly as possible. Do that drunken German swagger and show them who's in charge. As for wearing green? No. It's not happening. You wear black. Let them pinch you all they want. Just file for sexual harassment. That's what HR is for. You want to remind the world's red-headed and light-complexioned inhabitants who one-upped their blood alcohol concentration levels on their own holiday.
waiting to happen. The German folktales are much more binge drinking-worthy. The Brothers Grimm? Hello! Badass. They wrote the story of Hansel and Gretel, except their version wasn't as colorful and adorable as Disney would like you to believe. It ended with two sweet, innocent children being eaten by an old witch. Germans don't mess around with magical little men step-dancing on rainbows. They eat children. What about St. Patrick himself? No one knows what he did. Why does he get an entire day of festivities devoted to him? Pick a man who truly deserves the amount of liver damage that is incurred on this singular occasion, like Sam Adams or the Pope. If you're going to devote an entire holiday to drinking, be up front about it.
As for their folktales regarding a little man chasing a rainbow with a pot of gold at the end? That’s a pipe dream. The closest to reality that'll ever come to is a bowl of Lucky Charms at the end of a faded and crusty rainbow-colored diner counter served to them not by a leprechaun, but by an overweight man named Frank. The same skepticism applies to their four leaf clover shit. Really? Go frolic in a garden to find some tiny leaf type thing, hold onto it for the rest of your life, and pray that it brings you good luck? All that sounds like is a bad case of hives
As non-Irish folk, how are we supposed to survive and support a holiday that revolves around wearing green, chasing small red-bearded men, and drinking obscene amounts of liquor? Any little Mädchen from Germany can tell you: we survive by drinking more liquor than any Irish person could ever dream of. Because at the end of the day, we're all college students looking for another excuse to drink.
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
FRIDAY: 8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails Live Music 10pm - Close
Friday and Saturday! $2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
March Beer of the Month $4 Blue Moon Valencia Grove Amber Pints $5, 20oz Drafts
THURSDAY 3/7
9pm - Close $2 Coors Light $2.50 Long Islands
Thirsty Thursday! $2 U-Call-Its: 9pm - Close
COLLEGE THURSDAYS! AUC2D! (All-U-Care-2-Drink) (college or military ID for AUC2D) $6 AUC2D Domestic Taps, $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O Bombs, $3 Jack Daniel's & SoCo Mixers, $15 "Group Sex" Fishbowls
FRIDAY 3/8
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails Live Music 10pm - Close
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Late Nite Happy Hour: 8-10pm: $4 Vodka Redbulls, $3 Any Pint, $3 Wells, $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $17 Shipwreck & O Face Fishbowls 8pm - Close: $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $4 Three Olives Mixers, $5 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands (7pm - Close)
SATURDAY 3/9
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Late Nite Happy Hour: 8-10pm: $4 Vodka Redbulls, $3 Any Pint, $3 Wells, $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $25 Fishbowls 8pm - Close: $2 Jager, Cherry & O Bombs, $6.50 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands, $4 Bacardi Mixers
SUNDAY 3/10
6pm – Close: $3 Bells & PBR Tall Boys
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot): 4pm - Close
Closed on Sundays, But Don't Miss Happy Hour Mon-Fri: Happy Hour 3-8pm Mon.-Fri, & 4-8pm Sat. 2 for 1 on "almost" anything & $1 off appetizers
MONDAY 3/11
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers Open Mic 10pm - Close
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
Mason Jar Monday! $3 Bud & Bud Light, Double Wells, Double Jack and SoCo Mixers $5 Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud Light Beer Towers
TUESDAY 3/12
8pm - Close $2.50 Mexican Beers & $3 Sauza Gold
Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints
$3 U-Call-It's
WEDNESDAY 3/13
8pm - Close: 2-for-1's $3 Pitcher of Wings 10pm - Close
Wings N Things $0.29 Wings: 4pm - 10pm $2 Rails & Tier 1 Taps: e9pm - Close
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Friday is Ladies Night: Ladies Drink Free 10pm - Midnight PLUS $3 Captain & Jack mixers, $3 Domestic Tall Boys, $4 1800 Silver, $4 Reposado Shots
Legendary wild wednesdays: college id night FREE Cocktail Hour! 11pm - 12am Power Hour 10pm - 11pm: $2 Rails, Select Drafts and Bottles | $3 U-Call-It: 11pm Close: Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close
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$0.35 Boneless Buffalo Wings: 4pm - 12am (w/ beverage purchase)
Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Team Trivia from 9:30- Midnight
1/2 Price Apps Ladies Drink Free 9pm-11pm
THURSDAY 3/7
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! $3 Captain and Jack Drinks, $3 Domestic Tall Boys, $4 1800 Silver and Reposado shots Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM LADIES DRINK FREE (LADIES NIGHT) 10pm to Midnight!
Welcome to the Weekend! $2 Rails, Domestic Bottles, Lite & Grain Belt Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Bottles & Hand Crafted Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close
Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Karaoke from 10 - Close
2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm
FRIDAY 3/8
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! $4 Domestic Tall Boys, $3 Sauza Tequila shots, $3 Any Flavor Bacardi Drinks Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM
$2 Rails, Domestic Bottles, Lite & Premo Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Bottles & Hand Crafted Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
Happy Hour from 11 am - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm
SATURDAY 3/9
Closed
Happy Hour Pricing All Day Long! $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
Happy Hour from 11am - 6:30pm and 10 pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
45 Cent Wings All Day
SUNDAY 3/10
Closed
Big Mug Monday! $3 Lite & Grain Belt, $4 Hand-Crafted, $5 Hop-Head Specialties (10pm - close) $2 Rails & $3 Calls $2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $0.35 Boneless Buffalo Wings: 4pm - 12am (w/ beverage purchase)
Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
2-4-1's All Day EVERYDAY, EVERYTHING 1/2 Price Burgers
MONDAY 3/11
Closed
2 for Tuesday! 10pm - Close Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm FREE Taco Bar: 4pm - 6pm 1/2 Price Appetizers: 4pm - 6pm
Happy Hour from 3 -63:0pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm
TUESDAY 3/12
Legendary wild wednesdays: college id night FREE Cocktail Hour! 11pm - 12am Power Hour 10pm - 11pm: $2 Rails, Select Drafts and Bottles | $3 U-Call-It: 11pm Close: Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close
Happy Hour from 3 -6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Karaoke from 10-Close
$1 Tacos 3pm-close
WED. 3/13
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! All You Care to Drink (8-Close) $6 Domestic Drafts, $10 Domestic Drafts and Rail drinks, $2 Kami-quila shots Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM
$4 House Margaritas - any flavor! $2 Rail Drinks , $3 Any Pint $4 Any BIG Draft
(excluding Chimay, Matilda & Big Eddy)
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks!
2 for Thursday! 10pm - Close 2 for 1 Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
$2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm
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theblacksheeponline.com
The Future of Communication: ABC = 010000010100001001000011 Tim Krueger wrote this In the future, our vocal cords will have devolved to a vestigial organ, a mere fossil of its former glory. The production of loud drones will be all that we have to express our myriad of emotions. Why would our bodies take this strange turn in our evolutionary path? Because in the future, verbal communication will become obsolete. All the languages of the world will be replaced by the universal binary language of computer programing. We will be able to communicate with our laptops, phones, tablets, and each other telepathically. The human brain will be its own Wi-Fi hotspot, capable of connecting to the internet and downloading terabytes of information in the blink of an eye. We will possess an infinite amount of knowledge about the world, its people, and the space that surrounds it. Our future trans-humanoid selves will possess knowledge beyond the bounds of modern day languages, and information will be relayed through the 1s and 0s that light up our computer screens. Though this vision of the future may seem better suited for a dystopian sci-fi novel, it's closer to reality than you think. So don’t cast our crackpot theory into the fire just yet. We've seen its beginnings in the world of social media. Socializing has taken on a new meaning in the 21st century. People can “hangout” via video chats, communicate instantly through text messages, and share personal information on Facebook profiles. You can actually meet a person in one of your lecture halls, send them a friend request, and upon approval, gain full access to all things personal. For instance, what sports they played in high school, their favorite books, movies, and TV shows, political and religious affiliations, dating history, sexual orientation, occupation, and current location of residence among many other things. By reading all this, you have essentially become a plethora of knowledge about this one person. Information that would have taken hours of conversation to obtain, you consumed
in a matter of minutes. This shit is fucking mind-blowing, and we use it all the time to keep stimuli flowing into our brains. Luckily, this idea of having a downloadable identity hasn’t fully integrated itself into society. For instance, if you were to discover that one of your classmates, whom you have befriended on Facebook, has a younger sibling beginning her first year of high school, and you were to ask, “What did little Lucy think of her first day at the big kid school?” Your classmate will gasp from the intrusive mind-fuck and more than likely call you a “creeper.” But if that information isn’t there to be talked about openly, then why is it there? We’ve gotten into the habit of thinking that what we post on Facebook has no effect on our lives outside of the internet. We are constantly posting Solo Cup sponsored party pics, poorly articulated status updates, and links to more cat videos than there are actual cats. It’s becoming second nature to us. Yet we still have these social taboos about what information we can openly discuss. Clearly, we have discordant perceptions of our “real” and online identities. This is why we say things like, “That’s a little personal, don’t you think?” You're damn right it is! So why did you put it up there for everyone to read? This whole notion of essentially downloading a person’s identity directly into our brains would be quite frightening if it was real. Fortunately, it's not. Unfortunately, it's getting there. On Facebook, we write out our lives like a script for the silver screen. There’s drama, adventure, excitement, and a character with a full biography to drive the story. It takes all the spices of life and throws them all into a funnel which we mercilessly devour. It’s a highlight reel, a scrap book, and a history. But it doesn’t show life as it really is, or a person as who they really are. It’s just a bunch
of 1s and 0s prancing about like jesters for the court. We all know daily life can be a bit of a drag at times, but has it really gotten so boring that we can’t stand to look at it until it’s been given a vintage, photo-edited spin on Instagram? Our message to you, reader, is this: allow life to be boring. If you allow yourself the chance to feel complete boredom, you’ll be surprised at the more subtle, fulfilling things you'll find in life. Your brain is so jacked up on stimuli that it will feel like you're going through withdrawal, but the end result will be worth it. Colors will be brighter, sounds clearer, and conversations more enjoyable. The real story is never read on the page. It’s spoken in the words. So if you don’t want to live in a world where conversation has been rendered totally useless, then turn off the phone, unplug the headphones, logout of your “second life,” and force the person sitting next to you to do the same. Make them talk to you, and relearn what it means to be a human being.
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are you smarter than?
Malinda, a U of M English Teaching Assistant 1) Candy: What color M&M was introduced in 1995? _____________________________________________________
6) Cars: On September 1, 1998 these became mandatory in cars driven in the United States. _____________________________________________________
2) Literature: Grendel is one of three antagonists in this most-famous Anglo-Saxon work.
7) History: What is the Roman numeral for zero?
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
3) Music: What music festival has been held in Manchester, TN since 2002?
8) Higher Education: Name 5 of the 8 Ivy League schools.
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
4) Cartoons: What is the name of the monkey sidekick in Dora the Explorer?
9) Booze: What's the main liquor component in a Manhattan?
_____________________________________________________
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5) Your Body: A person's hair and fingernails are made up of this fiber. _____________________________________________________
10) Politics: In 2002 then-President George W. Bush cited three countries as an "Axis of Evil." Name two of them. _____________________________________________________
1) Blue 2) Beowulf 3) Bonnaroo 4) Boots 5) Keratin 6) Airbags 7) There is none 8) : Harvard, Brown, Yale, Cornell, Dartmouth, Columbia, Princeton, Penn 9) Whisky 10) Iran, Iraq, North Korea
correct answers
the drinking game: beeropoly
There’s no better combination than Monopoly and beer. It’s like whiskey and Coke, a match made in heaven (or at the local bar). Beeropoly will get you you past Go, and spending $200 you can’t afford at a bar on Baltic Avenue. What You’ll Need: Beer and Monopoly. Number of Players: Two to eight. Level of Intoxication: Wasted enough to think the Monopoly money will be sufficient currency to pay cover and buy drinks with. How To Play: - Shotgun a beer before starting the game; do it twice if you’re the banker. - Take a shot of beer every time you roll the dice. - Beer bong a beer every time your drunken ass is sent to jail. - Chug every time you pass GO! - Drink half a beer every time you buy some property. - Sip a beer every time you land on a friend’s property. - When one player gets a monopoly everyone needs to take 7 shots of beer. - Take a shot of beer before picking up a “Chance” card or before reaching into the Community Chest. - Chug a beer every time you land on free parking or jail. - Take two shots of beer when you decide to sell a mortgage property. - Chug a beer when you go bankrupt. The Game Ends When: Does Monopoly ever end?
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malinda's answers 1.) Blue 2.) Beowulf 3.) Some country music thing... 4.) Coconuts? 5.) Calcium 6.) Power steering?
7.) None 8.) Brown... Yale... Harvard... Princeton... and Cornell? 9.) Vodka? 10.) Iran and Afghanistan?
malinda's score: 4/10 correct
recipe for disaster: Politically Correct Puppy Chow It’s a combination of chocolate, peanut butter and crunchy goodness. It’s amazing whether you're drunk, high, or completely sober. Who in their right minds doesn’t love a great batch of puppy chow? This puppy chow doesn’t discriminate between black and white, but mixes it all together into one big mouth orgasm. What You’ll Need: 2 boxes of Chex cereal, 1 package of milk chocolate chips, 1 package of white chocolate chips, 2 sticks of butter, 1 jar of peanut butter, 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract, 1 package of powdered sugar, your favorite chocolate candies and a big ol’ pot. Cook Time: About an hour and a half ‘til snackage. Fatty Factor: Dentist recommended to cause cavities! Let’s Get Baked: - Place half the jar of peanut butter, the white chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and one stick of butter in a large pot. - Place the pot over the stove at medium heat until all ingredients are beautifully melted together. - Take the pot off the stove and mix in one box of Chex. - Place the white chocolate chow in a CLOSED zip lock bag, add in half the bag of powdered sugar and shake it up. - Place the bag in your fridge and wash the pot. - Do the same for the milk chocolate chips using the rest of the jar of peanut butter, the milk chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and the other stick of butter in the pot. - Let the two puppy chow mixes cool in the fridge for about an hour. - Once cooled mix them together and add your favorite candies in, like M&Ms or crushed Oreos. Always a great snack to bring to parties … or cuddle on the couch with while your roommate left you home alone all night for a hot date.
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The Black Sheep presents: the mike's hard taste test
Spring break is just over the horizon and college students the nation over are plunking down what little coin they have to make sure they’ll remember practically none of it. Well, The Black Sheep refuses to stand aside and watch college students waste buku bucks on inferior beverages. While many of the aforementioned beverages will start with names like “Keystone” and end in words like “Light,” there will be a brave, sad few who choose to “get the party started” with a novelty so novel, it’s hard to laugh at anyone who actually has the gall to drink it. Whether it’s a girl who thinks beer is “icky” or a dude who thinks purchasing it will allow him to get into said girl’s bikini bottoms, Mike’s Hard Lemonade will be flying off the shelves faster than Plan B.
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So, in true The Black Sheep fashion, we’ve bought as much Mike’s Hard Lemonade as our paltry bank accounts could afford. We have ten samples, and these samples were consumed during a blind taste test. None of the participants knew which sample they were tasting, but the testers ranked them from best to worst on a one-to-five scale, five being the best, one the worst.
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The categories on which the Mike’s Hard flavors were judged:
#1: Mike’s Hard Mango Punch Initial Flavor: 3.3 Lingering Flavor: 4.3 Wackiness: 3.3 Overall: 3.6 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Billy says the puke tastes just as good coming up as it does going down!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: A liquefied mango Dum Dum Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: A sexy girl pretending to be a misunderstood outcast Notes: Though artificially-flavored drinks taste more like Satan’s asshole than the flavor they’re meant to resemble, Mike’s Hard Mango Punch proves the exception to this rule. Sure, it’s less “mango” in its flavor than it is, “orange,” but it is legitimately not terrible.
5
#2: Mike’s Hard Cranberry Lemonade
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#3: Mike’s Hard Black Cherry Lemonade
Initial Flavor: 3.7 • Lingering Flavor: 3 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 3
Initial Flavor: 3 • Lingering Flavor: 2.8 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 2.7
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes like the gummy bears Uncle Ben used to give me to get me to go to bed.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Cherry Luden’s cough drop diluted in Febreze Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: The bubbliest gay dude in the room
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Reminds me of the church wine I had during first communion. My stupid bitch step-mom didn’t even get me that Powderpuff Girls play house I asked for. I got the last laugh when she died from cervical cancer.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Prison toilet wine Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: The prim teen who thinks he’s way too mature for his age
Notes: Like the Mango Punch, the comparatively high marks have less to do with the drink’s cranberry flavor, and more to do with it not being objectively undrinkable. To say it tastes like cranberry is to say that cherries, or raspberries or shit, Taco Bell, tastes like cranberries.
Notes: Of all the flavors of Mike’s Hard tried during this experiment, the Black Cherry Lemonade had the best aroma - a delightful candy aroma all but certain to arouse the latent candy addict in all of us.
When the second place drink in a blind taste test gets worse as the flavor settles on one’s tongue, this is not a testament to the overall quality of your product. Do you hear us, Mike’s Hard?
4.5
4
Though we’re almost certain Mike’s Hard Black Cherry Lemonade has the same viscosity and texture as other products, the consensus opinion was, this one was thicker than the other samples we tried. Note, this was the last Mike’s Hard we tried, so we may have just been, like, totally shitfaced on two drinks, bro.
3.5
3
#5:
#4: Mike’s Hard Lemonade
Mike’s Hard Lemonade lite
#6:
Initial Flavor: 2.3 Lingering Flavor: 2.5 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 2.7
Initial Flavor: 2.2 • Lingering Flavor: 3 Wackiness: 2.7 • Overall: 2.6
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Like, I totally wish I had, like, four more of these in my mouth right now. LOL, shut up Kyle!!!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Lemon-scented Dial soap and vodka Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Virginal freshman female who quickly turns slutty deepthroat queen
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes just like my Mom’s Squirt! What? I don’t know what a double entendre is, I’m not French.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Leftover Pledge in a huffing sock Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Overweight suburban cheerleader
Notes: The flavor that started it all did relatively well in our blind taste test, though comments like, “This is tolerable” don’t inspire confidence in the quality of the beverage, in comparison to say, a beer. While many other flavors were sweet to the point of tasting medicinal, Mike’s Hard Lemonade actually burnt tasters’ nostrils like an aerosol air freshener would. It… it was weird.
#6:
Notes: Though it smells like teenage staple vodka and Sprite, Mike’s Hard Lemonade Lite tastes exactly as one thinks it would taste: Like Mike’s Hard Lemonade, diluted with water by about 30%. Of course, this makes sense when one notes Mike’s Hard Lemonade has an ABV of 5%, whereas Mike’s Hard Lemonade Lite has an ABV of 3.2%. So, sure, save 100 calories, but know that if you’re going to get Maggie to go down on you in the back yard of your parents’ house, you’re going to need twice the volume.
Mike’s Hard margarita
Initial Flavor: 1.7 • Lingering Flavor: 2 Wackiness: 2 • Overall: 1.9 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Me no gusta tambien nosotros es un malo!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Burning garbage-scented air freshener Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Entitled Latina princess Notes: A good margarita is a pretty simple thing: salt, tequila, and a little triple sec. Mike’s Hard sure did get the salt flavoring right. Someone there owed the people at Morton’s a lot of money. While the drink tastes like a street after snowfall, it smells like tequila, in the same way a soiled diaper smells like baby shit. Very, very strongly.
#8:
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Ew, someone call Chris Hansen; this totally raped my taste buds.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Lime salsa found on the grocery store clearance shelf Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Divorced suburban mother watching Hawaii Five-0, dreaming of a vacation to the beach. Notes: Whoever is responsible for creating Mike’s Hard Limeade misidentifies “overpowering citrus flavor” with “exotic.” This take on limeade closely resembles childhood soccer game essential Ecto Cooler, though we don’t advise consuming it in the back of a minivan.
#9:
Mike’s Hard raspberry Lemonade
Initial Flavor: 2 • Lingering Flavor: 1 Wackiness: 1 • Overall: 1.7 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “I don’t understand how other adults drink thick beers like this.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Carbonated cough medicine Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Small-town cross dresser Notes: Primarily, “acrid” means, “having an irritatingly string and unpleasant taste or smell.” An additional definition of acrid has little to do with the senses, meaning, “angry and bitter.” Though the former accurately describes Mike’s Hard Raspberry Lemonade, the latter is certainly more apt.
#10:
Mike’s Hard winter blackberry
Initial Flavor: 1.7 • Lingering Flavor: 1.3 Wackiness: 1 • Overall: 1.3
Mike’s Hard strawberry margarita
Initial Flavor: 2 • Lingering Flavor: 1.7 Wackiness: 1.7 • Overall: 1.8 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “After some nachos, a DiGiorno, and some Pop-Tarts, this would make a great dessert wine!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Melted Fruit by the Foot Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Vaguely non-gendered Lot Lizard Notes: One taster described the Strawberry Margarita by groaning loudly, while another claimed it was “the worst.” Another gagged while drinking it. So yeah, there are still two flavors that are worse than Strawberry Margarita. The Mike’s Hard Strawberry Margarita wasn’t just too sweet or too sour, it was a sugary, sour mess of a flavor -- like snorting Pixie Stix with Sweet Tarts crushed up and mixed in.
2
Mike’s Hard Limeade
Initial Flavor: 2.7 • Lingering Flavor: 1.7 Wackiness: 1.2 • Overall: 1.9
1.5
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes worse than the time I tried a sample of my own period.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Grape antifreeze Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: 14-yearold chain-smoking baby momma Notes: The lowest of the low. The Nelson Muntz of the Mike’s Hard family. It looks and tastes like motor oil laced with sugar water. It tastes more black than berry. A taster describes it as, “A carnival gone wrong,” which isn’t a thing as far as we know, but seems incredibly apt. It is not made of things found on this earth.
1
we interview:
AER
Aer, white-assed duo (as opposed to White Ass Duo, our threesome buttsex flick) David von Mering and Carter Schultz, are famous for slash-reggae hits “Float My Boat” and “Feel I Bring.” While on tour with similarly-styled artist Hoodie Allen, they were kind enough to talk to us on the phone about life, love, and the pursuit of…just read the interview. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How did you guys get started? How did you guys meet? Aer: You want to know the details, everything you want to know about? Well, let’s see…We met as football stars in elementary school, became friends, took music seriously in high school. Then, viola. TBS: At what point did you realize you could make money doing something like this? Aer: We get going into senior year of high school, everyone’s focused on where they’re applying, and we weren’t. It didn’t seem like the time to get involved in all that, so we decided to take a year off to do our worst. We did our worst, and now we’re here. TBS: How do you maintain a business side of a band that’s all about having fun? Aer: Well, I mean, it shows what kind of people we are. We take the music seriously because it’s our job. Our friends are in college and we’re not, and that’s how we pay the bills. For us to pay the bills, we have to be entertaining, we have to be fun and fresh and wild. It’s serious being fun. TBS: But with a job that’s not 9-5, or without a class schedule you have to hold yourself to, how do you go, “here’s fun time, here’s relaxing time”? Aer: As a producer, I’m always thinking of ideas. These past two days I’ve made four instrumentals, whether they’re going to be on the album or not. It’s a constant output of material we choose from. The commitment is there, the everyday love of it is how we do it. We live and do shit in order to write about it. TBS: How do you get from an idea to a finished product? Aer: It starts with a beat. There’s some kind of emotion or vibe or feeling inside of that beat. Then, there’s a phrase after the beat that sums up the lyrical content. Carter will expand on it—for example, “Floats My Boat,” there’s that phrase, “I do what floats my boat,” that encompasses the whole song, and we go from there. TBS: Do you write for your audience, or do you write for yourself, hoping your audience appreciates what you have to say? Aer: I’m in the middle. If I wrote just for myself, you wouldn’t know what the fuck I was talking about—you’d think I’m obsessed with owls and eagles. I like to keep the arc to myself, but I try to make it relatable and understandable for all fans. TBS: You’re touring with Hoodie Allen right now. What’s the touring grind like? Aer: It’s like going to a summer camp where you don’t get to sleep and you’re constantly driving. A lot of kids wish they’re doing this, and that’s what keeps you positive about touring. A lot of people are doing 9-5 stuff, and I’m stepping on stage for a job; it really keeps things in perspective. TBS: How did you guys get hooked up with Hoodie Allen? Aer: We’ve always been good friends with him. He reached out a while back saying he liked our stuff, and it took a while, but he invited us on tour. It came out of nothing, to be honest. TBS: Is this tour a new challenge for you? Aer: At this point we’ve got touring down. I know what to put on my packing list, I know how long we’re staying out, I’ve lost enough shit on tour, and I know we’re going to go crazy on tour. TBS: Do you think you can better connect with college students because you’re in the same age group, as opposed to say, Bob Dylan? Aer: Of course. Using social media—Facebook, Twitter, all that stuff, allows us to connect better with our audience. We also love to hang out at the merch tables after our show that lets us meet everyone who came out. TBS: What do you guys do in your free time? Aer: I like taking girls to the movies. I like making omelettes. I prefer Greek salad over Caesar salad.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
David bowie - the next day out march 12th
It's the return of the Thin White Duke, folks. The Next Day is Bowie's first new album in a decade, and it promises to be a strong addition to a collection spanning four generations. Sure, Ole' Ziggy over there may not have the "up-beat party time jamz" of people like Skyblu and Redfoo, but this is a guy once so addicted to cocaine, he would only drink milk and eat red peppers. He'd toss those shots (shots, shots, shots, shots) back like baby medicine.
God of War: Ascension out march 12th
The seventh installment of the God of War franchise acts as a prequel to 2005's first iteration of the game. Here, we'll see how Kratos got picked on by bullies in high school, left for college, got mad jacked, then came back to kick some ass and take some names at his 10-year high school anniversary. Yeah, you get them, Kratos! Those jocks deserve those wedgies!
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone out march 15th
The latest Steve Carrell vehicle sees the lovable doofus playing an arrogant Las Vegas musician down and out after his partner (Steve Buscemi) leaves him. Enter Jim Carrey as street musician Steve Gray, out to overshadow the former legend. One can only assume this flick is rife with awkward pauses and moan-inducing crotch shots. Or both, when Carrey...uh...Carreycter makes contact, only to find that Carrell no longer has a pair.
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Destination: - Panama City, Panama - Ibiza, Spain - Compton, California - Long Island, New York
Lodging: - Teepee - Penthouse - Back of Truck - Jail Cell
Most Likely To: - Never go home - Go to the hospital - Have sex in public - Stay drunk for 5 days straight
Travel Buddy: - Lady GaGa - Ke$ha - Chris Brown - Kanye West
Run In To: - Ex-Significant Other - Ronnie from Jersey Shore - Honey Boo Boo - Barack Obama
Least likely to: - Get laid - Do mushrooms ever again - Shower during Spring Break - Get any free drinks.
Mode of Transportation: - Miniature Horse - Longboard - Cartwheels - Hot Pink Vespa
Contest Win: - Gnome Lookalike - Mashed Potato Eating - Booty Shakinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; - Tequila Chugging
Souvenir: - Herpes - Broken Keychain - Tribal Tattoo - Pet Snake
How to play
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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