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Volume 3, Issue 9 11/1/12 - 11/7/12
What to Do when you’re not voting McKinley Johnson wrote this So you’ve become sick of people knocking on your door asking if you’re going to make the right choice, and you just want to be left alone to your own miserable life. Well congratulations you poor lifeless corpses, we’ve got just the thing you need to keep living in the illusion of your vote not counting! The Black Sheep is going to hand you some activities that’ll keep your minds off of those lines, those tricky ballots and worst of all, those people changing the country. Go Outside: What’s better for the mind than a nice long walk in nature? Might as well get some of it while it’s still there. The brisk air and bright leaves do good for the soul, and you definitely won’t be confronted by a cute girl who’ll ask you to register and make a change. She did look really cute in that coat though, didn’t she? Maybe if you voted she would date you. But she cares too much about all this, so screw her. Who cares about things these days, anyway? Listen to Music: Bust out your iPod and listen to the old-school punk you got to impress that girl from the art department. What better way is there to say screw the establishment than by listening to the Kinks “My Generation?” Plus your mind will be taken off that cute-butpolitically-charged girl in the park. Instead, you’ll think about how it’s your right not to vote. Yeah! Screw her! Or rather, the government! Play Some Videogames: Hey, great idea, why don’t you go pick up some friends from SuperBlock and set up a game of Assassin’s Creed. Play a game where you overthrow the government through the force and determination of a few dedicated men. Hell 3 just came out, so re-enacting the American Revolution might somehow take your mind off the fact that all those guys died for something you’re electing not to do. You know what, it’s probably better to set up a Smash Bros tournament on one TV and keep up Mario Kart on the other – better to stay as far away from reality as possible. Go See A Movie: The classic remedy for anything bad, you can always watch somebody who has it way worse. And considering the amount of guilt you’ll have from not voting, this is a pretty good solution. Again, much like video games, it is important to stay away from anything that reminds you of your lazy, non-contributing self. We suggest watching something like Bambi or The Brave Little Toaster and avoid, say, The Ides of March.
The Top Ten Questions for our Political Candidates
We know you have a plan for the US economy, but tell us you're a cat person.
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Apply for Jobs: Sure, you can’t spend time electing someone who would fight for a stronger economy, one that wouldn’t put you back on the straight and narrow to your parents house after graduation – so you should get ahead of the curve by looking for jobs now! All those suckers will be toiling away at the voting booths and you’ll already have 6 resumes sent to every coffee shop in town! Talk to Other Humans: Nothing breathes a sense of community better than getting out there and talking to your fellow man. If they ask if you’re voting in this landmark election, go ahead and tell them all the wonderful things you’ve done instead. You’ve played videogames,
what’s inside Big Bird Tells All
watched a movie, and even daydreamed about asking a cute girl out – things you never get the time to do otherwise! If you find yourself waking up on November 6th, bummed out because everyone else is out exercising their civil duties while you think back to all the super important things that kept you from registering, just come back to this list. Sure you might do these things all the time, and voting for a president only comes around once every four years, but Hey! You’re only going to be in college for a few more years, and those video games aren’t going to play themselves!
From The Streets
It's not always so easy down on Sesame Street.
Would you rather have incredible sex but a horrible relationship, or horrible sex and an incredible relationship?
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contents page 4: The black sheep guide to the apocalypse:
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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nuked to shit edition. Boom!
page 5: Turning 21: It's Not That Cool
Table of
Everyone hypes up the biggest day of your college career, which makes the reality of it that much more grim.
page 7: Five Ways Fashion Determines the Election Making sure the leaders of America are ahmah-zing.
page 10: you + me = sex Women have finally, sort of, been figured out.
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Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Loan Bloom Rod last week’s answers
Kristen Stewart & Colin Farrell
The stallion that mounts the world has no need for iron chairs. (Want to become famous next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
word of the week Liecense:
Any form of fake identification used illicitly. “Kyle‘s liecense came in handy when the keg ran dry. When he came back with a few cases of Keystone Light he was the life of the party.”
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The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse: Nuked to Shit Edition TBS STAFF wrote this
Iran has taken everybody by surprise this election season by still being an issue. Not only is it still an issue, it’s one of the reasons you shouldn’t vote for the other guy - the other guy would totally screw up the Iran foreign policy by farting on Ahmadinejad’s wife, probably. And that’s a problem, because Iran’s getting a little nukey over there, and America isn’t atom bomb-proof yet. And Iran’s not the only one. Since Crazycakes Jr. took over for his father, North Korea is a bit of a wild card. We know Kim Jong Un has taken these last couple months to purge his government of possible dissenters, we know he comes from a very long line of crazy people and we know he has nukes. But other than that, the man is a pudding-shaped enigma. What do Iran and North Korea have in common, other than a continent and some apocalyptic weapons? They do not like America. You know who that’s bad news for? America. And also you. And probably England and Germany and the rest of the UN. And poor little Israel. And K-Pop stars. And Japan. But Australia’s cool. Everyone likes Australia. PREPARATION: Quick, what can survive a nuclear attack? If you said “cockroach,” go stand on the White House roof until the bombs come, stupid. Our society does not need your unhelpful little trivia. Everyone else, let’s brainstorm. 1950s information suggests that school desks are rendered un-nukeable when you duck and cover. Switzerland swears by its numerous atomic shelters, even though no one asked them, and those neutral mountain folk are pretty much the least likely of any of us to get a nuke shoved up their ass. Spielberg says fridge. Whatever shelter you designate before the bombs hit, make sure it’s stocked with non-perishable food and plenty of water. Also Twinkies. Twinkies are probably the only food in the world that only gets better with radiation poisoning. While these preparations will be useless at ground zero, it’ll be pretty important when nuclear mutant cannibals come knocking at your door.
The Top ten
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THE BATTLE: The good news is you live in Minnesota, and Minnesota is very unimportant. Iran and North Korea probably don’t even know you exist, much less want to nuke you. The bad news is the North Korean and Iranian leaders are very crazy, and there’s no evidence to suggest either has good aim with warheads. If Ahmadinejad’s finger slips and the New York bomb falls on St. Paul (it’s funny because no one will be able to tell the difference!) we’ll be mostly (?) safe in Minneapolis, only having to deal with the odd refugees and some fallout. But obviously, you won’t sit idly by while inbred crazies kill your countrymen! That’s not how your mama raised you! If you don’t have an Iron Giant or a Magneto handy, you can try shooting your own nuke at the nuke and hope they cancel each other out before it hits. Or you can fly to North Korea and punch Kim Jr. so hard that he wasn’t even born and never collaborated with Iran to bring down the United States, thus bending time itself to your will. THE AFTERMATH: WWII taught us a big lesson about how America deals with problems. When confronted by Nazis, the very face of evil itself, countries like France and Denmark roll over immediately and cry uncle. When attacked at home, America loses its shit and starts busting skulls all over the world (see: the War on Terror). So when the radioactive dust settles and we’re coughing gamma radiation into our fists, do you seriously think we’re going to shrug and accept it? No. F*ck you. Every American that falls means a hundred more lives from the nukers. If you survive the nuclear bombs, you will be expected to channel those gamma rays into Hulking out on the bombers and their allies. Debilitating deformities and seven types of cancer aside, nothing will be more terrifying to Kim Jong Un or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than a deadly army made up of six-eyed emerald freak mutants thirsting for their blood. Yippee ki-yay, motherf*ckers. That, and we’ll probably develop a tentacle fetish, if we’re going by Japan’s example.
Questions for Our Presidential Candidates
Political ads plague our televisions and argument wars are waged on Facebook. It’s almost voting season, which means it’s time we learn about our potential leaders. The debates don’t ask the right questions, we all know the economy sucks and we all know that we depend on oil way too much, what we don’t know is who our would-be presidents are. Here’s a list of the top ten questions that we should be asking to truly understand who we’re voting for. 10.) Would you rather...: The questions to these answers always expose true character. Asking if they would rather “fight Mike Tyson once or talk like him for the rest of your life” gives us a good feel for who these people are and how they’ll handle the “important” problems. 9.) Are diamonds really a girl’s best friend?: We want to know if this guy is knows how to treat a girl right. Are our candidates the type to offer a quick fix with an expensive gift, or are they in it for the long haul, talking slowly and sweetly to us without the need for Band-Aid fixes. Politics is much like a dating game where both options are equally batshit crazy, our part is to choose the one that’s going to putout in the least amount of time. 8.) Are you a cat or dog person?: A simple answer but one that speaks more about character than most questions we hear during the debates. Just remember: one cannot have an equal love for both, pets are like children, we always love one more than the other. 7.) Boxers or briefs?: Do they like to hangout or do they like to keep things close, tight, and orderly? The age-old question and I’ve yet to hear this question asked of our presidential candidates. Maybe they like to free-ball it, this is information we need to know. 6.) If you could be any Power Ranger, which one would you be?: If they choose any ranger outside of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers of the 90s, they shouldn’t be running for president. If they even think about choosing the Red Ranger they should be put in a room with Rita Repulsa for being arrogant. Choose a better color, jerk. 5.) Coke or Pepsi?: Is our candidate overly sweet or classically calm? The colas have just as much controversy as any political problem and, again, we need to know where our guy stands. If he’s rooting for the wrong soda they might just lose a vote. 4.) White or Wheat?: Any good sandwich requires a good taste in bread. Any good politician should know how to make a good sandwich. (There’s a metaphor there, look for it.) 3.) What is your favorite Nickelback song?: If they answer anything other than “none” they obviously have poor music taste and are therefore unfit for office. There is no such thing as a good Nickelback song. 2.) Are you capable of communication in 140 characters or less?: The president should know that our generation is lazy and that we get the majority of our news and facts from Twitter. We’re a lazy generation and we need a leader who can explain to us, in as few words as possible (@2012Election #Vote4Me) so we can actually know what’s going on. 1.) Beer or liquor?: We’re college students, we need to know that our president is down to party with us.
katrina nicholson wrotethis this Katrina Nicholson wrote
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Big Bird Tells All
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TBS STAFF wrote this
A lone figure sits atop a brick apartment building. None of the buildings reach more than five stories, but it’s secluded enough for the very clandestine interview that is about to take place. There are a bunch of beer cans and condoms lying around, though, so the interview is slightly rushed in case the local teenagers return. “I used to see so much promise here. Now it’s just all shit,” says the yellow-feathered foam puppet in front of The Black Sheep correspondent, staring out at the carnage below. “The TV show paints it as such a magical place, but it’s a miserable slum that won’t die thanks to the government’s continual subsidizing of the Public Broadcast System.” A Romney/Ryan pin sticks to one of the polyester feathers of Big Bird. He touches it with his fingers while saying, “I’d have worn a vest if those penny-crunching bastards at PBS would issue me any clothes. The paycheck they give us is hardly enough to support my alcohol addiction, let alone food and rent.” When informed that the Public Broadcast System is noncommercialized and thus relies on fundraisers and government sponsorships to broadcast its informational messages, he snorts and dismisses the idea. “This place simply needs to go,” he chirps while lighting up an electronic cigarette. Since the majority of the population on Sesame Street is made of polyester and foam, lighters are kind of taboo here. The Big Yellow Bird was the whistle blower to Mitt Romney, informing him on the wasteful spending devoted to sustain-
ing the lives of the minority Muppet population of the United States. “Then that two-timin’ punk had to throw me under the bus with the rest of these psychopaths. Seriously, who the hell keeps dropping off their kids here? I’m technically a dinosaur if you Google it, and I am in no way a suitable babysitter. Then there is that monster that continually jumps out from trashcans and yells at everyone that passes by. These kids are very aware of him but don’t seem to want to avoid him at all. And everyone seems to forget about the day-walking vampire strolling around. The kids file out of their parents’ cars, and this creep is out there counting each one, like he’s waiting to pounce. This place just needs to be leveled, along with the rest of the forty-seven percent of the United States that’s overly reliant on government subsidies.” It’s definitely a bold opinion. When informed that cutting funding to the only Public Broadcast System would mean that all media would be commercialized, he didn’t seem to care. “I’m still voting for Romney. He may be a white-collar pansy, but he’s better than the foam that prances around these streets. It’s not like I can walk into the Obama office with my tail between my legs either. That extremely petty advertisement his media people came out with makes me look worse than Bernie Madoff for crying out loud.” It’s a good day for the United States of America when the two men vying to either remain or become the leader of the free world can take a break from their message in order to kick dirt in Big Bird’s beak. It’s not as if the United States is facing an environmental catastrophe, an economic downturn rivaling the depression, or a global war that doesn’t
seem to have an end in sight. But let’s focus on making sure commercialized mediums aren't the only ones that get to broadcast information. But why would a Muppet want to leave Sesame Street? It would destroy all the memories and friends here. Big Bird flaps his poor excuse for wings as he responds. “No friends to hold onto and no memories worth saving if you ask me. I’m headed to Wall Street after this. The only equalizer for man and puppet is capitalism. I’m going to make so much dough on Wall Street that Olivia Munn will come crawling right back to me.” Big Bird would not go into any more details of his controversial affair with Newsroom star Olivia Munn. At the mention of her name though, some horny teenagers returned to the abandoned site of our interview, and The Black Sheep correspondent got out while he still could.
Turning 21: It's not that cool Katrina Nicholson wrote this The minute we enter college we begin a countdown to the day we turn 21, the day when we can finally stop begging upperclassmen to supply us with liquor. Being 21 opens up several other doors as well, primarily involving nightlife. Finally you're responsible enough to order a beer at a bar! Wow! What a deal! The fact of the matter is that the good ole’ U.S. of A. is one of the only countries left in the world with a drinking age of 21. Yep. The land of the free is also the land of treating our legal “adults” like irresponsible children. Cops treat college students like criminals for doing exactly what we're expected to do. When it comes down to it, being 21 really doesn't have that many perks, it just means you're officially closer to being 30 than you are to being 10. People hype up a 21st birthday as if it'll be the craziest day of your life; in reality it will probably go something like this.: Days before the birthday you will continually think to yourself, “This is the last time I'll do this while being 20.” For example, you'll go to a shitty frat party, drink the terrible beer, step over a drunk guy vomiting on an even drunker girl and realize soon you will never be subjected to this again. You'll be able to stop relying on your older friends to make liquor runs for you while you awkwardly stand outside waiting for your fix. These realizations will unnecessarily excite you, causing you to over-hype the actual birthday. You imagine yourself getting shitfaced with a few friends the night before, heading to the bar at midnight, and purchasing
your first drink then promptly vomiting. You'll wake up the morning of your actual birthday and casually sip a Bloody Mary. Then you will spend the entire night at the bar trying to finish 21 beers or completing some other disgusting task to prove your legality. That is your expectation, let’s talk about what really happens. The day before your birthday your professor will remind you that you have a paper due tomorrow. Well, you haven't started that paper. It's worth 50% of your grade. If you neglect it you will be screwed. So you'll spend the entire day before in the library trying to finish this thing so you can go get drunk later. You'll text a few of your closest friends telling them the plan. They'll all respond telling you that they have to study or finish a project or some other bullshit. Really, they just don't feel like drinking in the middle of the week because they have nothing to celebrate. So now you're just pissed. You finish the paper around midnight anyway, so by the time you get home you've already missed the exciting part of the night. Maybe you'll drink one celebratory beer while your roommate is passed out in the other room snoring. Tomorrow isn't any better. Everyone writes on your Facebook wall, a few friends text you, that one creepy person who's obsessed with you might give you a call, and people will pretend to care. You'll receive the most attention from your younger friends because you are now their supplier. No matter how much you'd like to
deny it, it's pretty much inevitable. When the night rolls around, your friends will show up at your place. You'll all get pretty sloppy, you'll probably break some stuff, one of your friends will barf on the carpet and neglect to clean it up, and things will get awkward. Late at night everyone will eventually leave and you'll be sitting there thinking “Wow, this is how it feels to be 21.” You will then proceed to order a pizza just for yourself. You might mention to the delivery guy that it's your birthday, to which he will have no response. You'll take the pizza, bring it inside, and wallow in your own failure. You'll be 30 in 9 years and you've accomplished nothing. Happy birthday!
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
Would you rather have incredible sex but a horrible relationship, OR horrible sex and a great relationship? “How can I worry about having a sex when I can’t talk to a guy without, basically, making every thing I do awkward. Plus, I get nervous easily. I’d rather get a new question.” - Jan F., Junior
“Incredible sex! I wouldn’t have the relationship though. Mom says I’m too young for that.” - Luke S., Fresham
“I personally would rather have a relationship where I knew I was in love. Then I would wait until marriage for intercourse. It would be magical” - Chelsea P., Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
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Five Ways Fashion Determines the Election TBS STAFF wrote this With all this talk of “leading the free world,” lately, we’ve realized that there’s a lot more going on with politics than just dead baby laws and making weed legal. If the major news agencies are any indication, fashion is the most important thing to follow when trying to decide which candidate to vote for. So, here are five quick tips to help you make an informed decision. What color tie is the candidate wearing? Sure, they wear ties so illiterate deaf people can still tell who to vote for, but more importantly, a tie is a quick way of checking fashion sense. A red tie obviously looks better with a black suit than a blue one, but what about with khakis for a town hall? Whichever candidate pulls off the tie better, clearly knows how to pay attention to details, and not let small things like trillions of dollars slip by unnoticed. How nice does the first lady’s butt look? The president’s wife’s ass, also known as the first fanny, is something you’re going to see a lot of for the next 4 years…so choose wisely. Every time she hugs her hubby after a big speech or they’re spotted walking out of the hottest heroin alley in D.C., you’re going to catch a glimpse of that sweet thang. Picking the president whose lady best knows how to dress herself is a bold decision, but it's certainly one that will pay off. Speaking of asses, how does the V.P. look in a swimsuit? we don’t know how likely it is that you’ll actually see the Vice President in a swimsuit, but now that we’ve brought it
up, it’s definitely an image that will weasel its way into your mind at the most inopportune moments. Do you want to see a scrawny man in oversized trunks or a sweaty guy in a Speedo when you’re going at it with that hottie? Well, it doesn’t matter much anymore, because you’re inevitably going to visualize them both. Probably kissing. And rubbing sunscreen onto each other in all the right places. Now, to get vice presidential dong off your mind… Look at the candidate’s flag pin. Is he wearing one? Good, because if he’s not, he legally cannot be running for president and is probably a terro-communist. Now look at the size of that flag pin. Is it bigger than the other guy’s? Good. But is it too big? Look at it, it’s taking up half of his shirt. You don’t want your country run by a man who has something eating away at him, constantly demanding that he prove himself to the world and his ex-girlfriends, but you don’t want it run by a talking dick monster either. It really all boils down to... Boner concealment. That’s right, how well does he hide his dick disasters? There’s no way both of those dudes have NEVER gotten hard standing in front of crowds yelling at each other. I’m at half-mast every time I yell at the pizza guy for being late, so these guys have got to be boiling over. Next time they’re on T.V., just stare at their junk. Get really close to the screen, analyzing just how much of their wang you’re seeing. You don’t want a man running this country who lays all of his tools out for everyone to see,
but you don’t want him to easily hide everything he has at his disposal. The man with the best boner balance is clearly the best choice, so look hard at who’s hard, and stick him right into that tight ballet box. Sure the MEDIA wants you to pay attention to key issues, but think about how much you judge friends, classmates, and potential sex partners on these issues. Don’t you want the leader of the free world to be just like your friends, classmates, or potential sex partners?
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MONDAY 11/5
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$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm
TUESDAY 11/6
Happy Hour from 3 -6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Karaoke from 10-Close
$1 Tacos 3pm-close
WEDNESDAY 11/7
Happy Hour! 3-8pm Half-Off Almost Anything That Pours & Specialty Drinks
Legendary wild wednedays: college id night
Power Hour 10pm - 12am: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles | Free Cocktail Hour: 11pm - 12am (w/ college ID) | $3 U-Call-It 11pm Close (Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails and Calls) $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
page 10
You + Me = Sex
theblacksheeponline.com
TBS staff wrote this
Gentlemen, or rather men driven by their primal instincts, listen up! Unrenowned scientists have cracked the code on how to guarantee getting into a sultry chick’s pants by reviewing countless chick flicks. After hours upon hours of sitting in front of the TV, watching Netflix with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and an extra-large spoon, these brilliant people have finally figured out the formula. That’s right, no more lonely nights wishing you had the sex life of Hugh Hefner in his prime-- or even the present. Pull out your pencils and your condoms (in the name of science, safety first), and copy this down: 324 trips to the SRC + 19 passionate letters + 1 door in the closest fountain + 1 ½ faked orgasms in the dining hall + 2 keys to a chastity belt – Any pickup lines you were planning to “score with” = Gettin’ it in. In case you’re lost, here’s a breakdown of those steps of the equation: 324 trips to the SRC: This number of trips may seem excessive, but it’s necessary. Attention all males on campus: That V-neck with a strand of chest hair poking out is not fooling anyone. You don’t have muscles, and you’re not Ryan Gosling. Go to the gym and lift some weights. Only then can you lift a chick above your head in the bar like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing. Not only is it a memorable first impression, but Baby will let you in her corner tonight. Her corner is her vagina, by the way. A girl needs to know that you’re going to be able to protect her if it comes down to that. A boyfriend with-
out muscles is as effective as walking with your keys between your fingers on a dark night in deep, residential St. Paul. 19 passionate letters: Let’s return to Ryan Gosling. He’s the Photoshopped god of Crazy, Stupid, Love. Although his physique drew Emma Stone into his bed, it’s his work in The Notebook that is more attainable than abs of steel. (Disclaimer: You don’t need abs of steel to lift a girl above your head, and if you do, she’s probably too big for you, bro.) Sit down and write—or as a last resort, text—letters to the lady of your fancy. No, sexting doesn’t count. If Shakespeare can woo for centuries without an illustration of his genitals, so can you. 1 door in the closest fountain: Titanic is romantic; there’s no denying that. It’s probably unlikely a girl will let you draw her nude with only her tramp stamp showing, similar to what Jack did with Rose. And if she does, you’ve definitely found yourself a winner. Instead, show your chick you’d die for her, figuratively speaking. (Don’t tell her it’s figurative, though.) Rip the door off your apartment and throw it in a fountain. Lay your female on the door and swim around under water for a while without ever letting go of her hand. When she sees the Titanic connection, she’ll quickly want that door replaced on your apartment as you head in to dry off. 1 ½ faked orgasms in the dining hall: Has this been done before? It seems like it should have. Kids are doing it everywhere else these days; why not the dining
hall too? Channel your inner When Harry Met Sally, and put on some dinner entertainment for the night in the dorm hall. Not only is it live entertainment but a preview for later for any lucky ladies who drop by your table. Fake it like all those girls did in your bed last year. Put on the show and see how many people recite in unison, “I’ll have what he’s having.” 2 keys to a chastity belt: Not all women are dancing on the tables at Burrito Loco. Some prefer Medieval Times reenactments. In that case, you may have a Robin Hood Men in Tights gal on your hands. That means you’ll be finding a chastity belt under that floor length skirt. Keep two copies of a universal chastity belt key on hand. Two in case you lose one. Unlock your night’s destiny and swoon at the thought of medieval bedroom talk. Once you’ve accomplished all that, make sure to ditch any lame pickup lines your learned back in high school and be a man for once. So what are you waiting for? Get out there!
now hiring! Why wouldn't you want to work somewhere with unlimited koozies and a "pants are optional" policy?
Marketing, Sales, Promotions, Writing, Groupies, & More!
apply online at theblacksheeponline.com
page 11
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
bartender of the week Connor S. Sally’s Relationship Status: On the prowl. Favorite drink: Montana bulldog; Pint glass with ice, vodka, root beer schnapps, root beer, Kahlua, and Bailey’s. Favorite shot: Carmel apple; Apple Pucker, butterscotch schnapps, splash of pineapple, vanilla Dr. McGillicuddy schnapps. Worst drink: Volcano; it takes forever to make so I don’t make it. Which celebrity are you most likely to punch in the face: Ronald McDonald because I’m afraid of clowns. What Disney character do you most want to hook up with: Belle from Beauty and the Beast. What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen on the job: Jerome handing out lap dances on Saint Patrick’s Day.
If you could trade places with any other person for a week, famous or not famous, living or dead, real or fictional, with whom would it be: Pikachu If you could have any superpower, what would it be: X-ray vision so I can check out every girl’s great big personality. Boxers, briefs, or freeballing: Man thongs or banana hammocks. Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with: It’s a tie between Betty White and Michelle Obama. How many 4-year-olds do you think you could take in a fight: 0, I fight like a 3-year old. Using a scale of 1 to 10, rate yourself on how weird you are: 6.9. Enough said. Can you describe an Atom: He works at Applebee’s and always orders a beer.
If you could create a holiday, what would it be: Make Novembeard an official holiday where everyone celebrates their facial hair.
the drinking game
Social Media Shots Face it: You’re always checking your Twitter feed or Facebook Timeline anyway. Why not make a game out of it? Instead of looking like a jerk when you’re out at a party staring at your phone and tweeting, you can turn it in to a group thing the whole gang can enjoy. What You’ll Need: A Facebook or Twitter account, shot glasses, beer, and hard alcohol. Number of Players: You have like 1,000 “real” Facebook friends, right? Level of Intoxication: Enough to willingly send some nudie pics later on. How to Play: - Take out your laptop or iPhone, log in to Twitter or Facebook, and drink as follows: - Take a shot of beer every time you see: - A sob story status or tweet. - A “Happy birthday!” post. - Someone quoting a song. Take 2 if it’s Taylor Swift. - A “lyke dis if u love jesus/if u hate cancer/if u think this girl’s hot” post. - Completely uninformed political arguments. - Take a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - A picture of a girl naked/in her underwear/in a bikini. - A mirror shot of a guy showing off his muscles. - Someone announcing they’re getting engaged or having a baby. - Someone using a hashtag incorrectly. - An invite for an “I lost all my phone numbers!” event. - Give a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - Someone’s relative calling them out on an inappropriate status/picture/tweet. - Someone acting as the “grammar police” in response to a status or tweet. - Someone has favorited or retweeted your tweet or liked your status or picture. - Someone has invited you to join them in Farmville or some annoying Facebook app. - An Instagram link to a picture of food or pretty leaves. The Game Ends When: Everyone feels awful about their social lives or body image.
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Recipe for Disaster
Cavity Bark As soon as Halloween ends, all of the mounds of candy left over in grocery stores goes on sale. After an extreme binge session, you’ll most likely have become extremely bored of the redundant, Juicy-Fruit-caramely-nutty candy pieces. Fear not, because this bark of candy is guaranteed to liven up your candy-eating habits. What You’ll Need: Excess Halloween candy, 1/2 pound of white chocolate, and mini pretzels. Cook Time: 1 hour Fatty Factor: You’ll finally fill in that chubby pumpkin costume you bought a few weeks ago. Let’s Get Baked: - Line an 8-inch square baking pan with parchment. - Heat your chocolate up in the microwave and stir until smooth. Make sure to do it in 15-second intervals so it doesn’t burn. - Spread the chocolate along your pan. - Here comes the fun part: Take any excess candy you have and pile it onto your melted chocolate. We’re talking candy corn, Twix, everything you got! - Stick your pan in the freezer until it’s hardened. This should take about one hour. - Remove the bark from the pan and break into little pieces. - Now stuff your damn face. There are really no restrictions on this one. Except maybe leave out those nasty fruit snacks the teachers next door gave you and the pennies from the old geezer down the block. Shit’s nasty.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
The College Life of Past Presidents Andrew Jackson The ImpetuousAsshole Every once in a while you run into the kid who’s always looking for a fight. For some reason, just boozin’ and ogling girls all night doesn’t cut it for these guys – they need to establish themselves as the manliest man in the bar. Say something even remotely offensive, like “This food is too hot,” or “Hey, where’d your girlfriend go?” and they perk up a testosterone-riddled brain boner. Though our seventh president didn’t go to college, his friends probably hated hanging out with him. Reportedly, Jackson was involved in over 100 duels. And these duels weren’t over human rights or other matters of importance, most were about the honor of his wife, Rachel. Jackson lived with a bullet in his chest from an 1806 duel, and another bullet in his arm from a barroom fight in 1813 with Missouri senator Thomas Hart Benton. Where most guys will eventually cool down and walk away from a fight, Andrew Jackson said, “No, lets take it outside. With guns.”
calvin coolidge The Couch Potato Throughout college you’ll run the gamut of shitty roommates. From the kid who’s always “studying,” to the one who loudly bangs his overweight girlfriend, one of the most prevalent roommate-characteristics is the lazy asshole who never leaves his room. Whether he developed these habits at Amherst College or not is beside the point, because Calvin Coolidge carried them into the White House. Coolidge often slept 10 hours a day, and after waking up he enjoyed the morning ritual of having his head massaged with Vaseline while he ate breakfast in bed. Here the other White House-dwellers do their part in taking care of dishes and not sleeping through the morning – but Ole Calvin sits in bed eating until noon, getting Vaseline everywhere. You suspect the strange smell emanating from his room is beginning to take over the entire house. How he manages to get his work done is inconceivable, so maybe there is something to say about a good head massagin’ every morning.
Not all of the Presidents of the United States attended college, but most of them sure as hell acted like they did. We tracked down the best of the worst—the stereotypes. From fatty to fratty, below are six college stereotypes embraced by presidents long dead. By: Quinn and Brendan
Lyndon B. Johnson The Savvy Sex Machine Everyone comes to college with dreams of a multitude of sex partners dancing through their little brains. Then reality sets in, and you end up occasionally having sex with one girl, then get married, then die. But then there is your buddy, who you regard as a dbag but like hanging out with anyway. Perhaps you’re just jealous that, despite not being great-looking and lacking personality, this asshole manages to bring home different girls on the reg. LBJ, or should we say “El BJ,” was just that bro. He wasn’t in the White House long before installing a buzzer in the Oval Office so the Secret Service could warn him when his wife was coming. Your buddy might have a name for the girls he always brings home because he can’t be bothered to remember their names, be it “Asian Kelly,” or “Dance Floor Jenny.” LBJ couldn’t even go that far, and just called his small army of blowjobbers his “harem.”
gerald ford The Dumb Jock
Normal students often look on student-athletes with a haughty mixture of awe and disdain. On one hand, we love it when Jack Touchdown snags a pass to win a game in triple overtime. On the other, the idea that these guys get a free ride regardless of their academic acumen never quite exits the occipital lobe. With that in mind, one doesn’t expect star athletes to amount to much post-college. If the student-athlete is lucky, he’ll end up as the president of a regional fast food franchise; worse, he’ll end up president of his quickly-dwindling fan club. Then Gerald Ford comes along and shits all over your expectations. At the University of Michigan Ford starred as the football team’s starting center and starting linebacker—like your mom, he goes both ways. And in the days before helmets were worn on the field, he never suffered from pussy diseases like “brain damage” or “an early death.” The dude actually wound up as President of the United States after Nixon was forced to resign following the Watergate scandal. The dude totally smashed Keystone Light and pussy with the same vigor he did the SALT treaty. High five, bro!
William Howard Taft The Jolly Fat Guy His shirt may say “I beat anorexia” or “there’s more of me to love,” but we know behind closed doors this guy shovels ice cream cake into his mouth as he cries himself into a sleep apneainduced coma. William Howard Taft—prior to being eaten by a pack of wolves—was that fatass. Known as “Big Lub” during his time at Yale, he would go on to assume the 27th Presidency of the United States, where the comedic stylings of a fat suit movie continued. Taft was known for his insatiable appetite, and the gassiness that came with it. Furthermore, Fatty Fat Fat Taft famously got stuck in a White House bath tub on account of his fatness. Taft’s presidency lasted only one term which, in light of it resembling a bad Kevin James movie, is a good thing. And if his surely-marbled flesh is any indication, those wolves certainly found him delicious.
John Adams The Degenerate Wake up? Drink. Pass out? Drink. Go to class? Drink. Throw up? Drink. Some of us exist to go on and do great things, others exist as a living, breathing warning sign that things can go awry in a hurry if we don’t get our shit together. Well, unless that drunk turns out to be the second President of the United States. John “The Lush” Adams had a drinking problem, and that problem, most naturally, was his lack of drink. Famously he wrote a letter to his wife stating: “I would give three guineas for a barrel of your cider… I would give a guinea for a barrel of your beer. A small beer here is wretchedly bad. In short, I am getting nothing that I can drink, and I believe I shall be sick from this cause alone.” So yeah, hello spring break drunk dial voicemail. “Girl, I’m hammered but I jus wanna kish your mouth an have yew feed me my boozies an I jus threw up but I’ma be aiirigh---I’m gonna go sleep now, love you. Ya boo, Johnny A.”
the interview
Professional Bowler Michael Fagan
Michael Fagan is the PBA’s #3 ranked bowler. He’s a 4-time PBA Champion with one major under his belt. He’s traveled the world to bowl, and he also has a nickname: “The King of Swing.” Well, now he can check off another item off the ole’ wish list: an interview with The Black Sheep. We caught up with Mike because we were curious, what’s the life of a professional bowler like? Well, let’s find out. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How did you get interested in bowling? Michael Fagan: I started playing when I was six years old. My grandfather and mother were always bowling, so it was something I did as a kid. I looked forward to hanging out in bowling alleys on Saturday afternoon. As I got a little older I started going to tournaments every single weekend. I made a little money doing it in college, doing amateur tournaments. Trying it professionally was something I really wanted to do after college, so I joined the PBA. I had some moderate success, I paid my dues, and it’s starting to come to fruition right now. TBS: Where did you go to school? What did you study? Michael: I went to St. John’s in Queens, and I studied finance. TBS: How does one make inroads to becoming a professional bowler? Michael: In recent years they’ve definitely opened up the doors. There used to be a qualifying process, but these days if you think you’re good enough and you want to give it a shot, you pay your membership fees and you get your entries in. TBS: How did you make the jump from as you say, “moderate success,” to being one of the best bowlers in the world? Michael: Well, if you look at the first TV show I made back in 2003, I don’t throw the ball like that anymore. Back in college I was a little more irrational, more aggressive with my style—I’ve learned to tone that down a little bit, and I’ve figured out how to balance power and finesse. I’ve also learned to play the lanes differently, and that’s helped too. TBS: What’s your daily routine like? Michael: We have some tournaments coming up, so I’ve been practicing almost every single day. I’ll get up, have breakfast, hit the gym for an hour or so, check some emails, eat lunch with my fiancé, and practice for a couple of hours. Obviously in my profession you have to stay on top of the equipment, so I spend a lot of time in the pro shop trying out new balls and things like that. TBS: When you practice, how do you practice? Michael: For me it’s about working on my technique. Working on timing and releases. It’s situational things like how to play it straighter on the lanes, or if I have to hook it more, how to do that. TBS: Do you play your lane or your opponent? Michael: At the end of the day, you’re playing the lane. But, when it comes down to a match play situation, you have to pay attention to how your opponent is playing a lane, because each one of their shots can change the oil pattern. Someone with a high revolution rate, the oil pattern will change that much faster. At the end of the day, you’re bowing the pins. TBS: How much different is a competition lane from just an average lane in an average bowling alley? Michael: It’s a tough subject, honestly. When I was growing up oil was put on the lane to protect the lane. Now it’s used to alter the scoring environment with patterns. With technology and trial and error, there’s ways to oil the lane that will make the scores gigantic. There’s ways to pattern the oil where you’ll throw it towards a gutter, it’ll hit the dry boards and come back, or you’ll roll it down the middle and the ball will hold its line. We don’t bowl on those types of conditions. If you’re a decent bowler and you go to a random lane you can bowl 220 or 230 with those patterns, but we don’t play anything like that. The conditions we play on are comparatively much more difficult. It’s a tough thing, most people out there may not respect the pros because the scores on the tour may be lower than the scores in your everyday league. Bowling lanes are a business. They want people to strike, so they make the lanes easier to do that. TBS: Do you have a career highlight? Michael: Things have been going really well this past year and a half. Winning the USBC Masters this past January was my career achievement. It’s one of those events where I’ve never had a lot of success, but this year I changed my strategy. Like I was saying, in years past I’d play my opponent and their strategy, this year I just played the lane. TBS: Is there any country that’s crazy for bowling, and the layperson wouldn’t assume that to be the case? Michael: There’s actually several countries that are great in bowling, and it’s kind of a shame that bowling is not part of the Olympics yet—we have the participation and the skill level around the world. The Bowling World Cup sends one representative from each country to compete. 88 to 90 countries participate in it. Some fo the best countries out there are England, Finland, Sweden, South Korea, Malaysia, Singapore. The United States is still the best bowling country in the world, but the gap is narrowing. TBS: Is pop culture accurate? Is the 7-10 split the hardest shot? Michael: I would say I’ve made that more than I’ve made the 4-6. It’s a lot harder to slide the pin over or bounce it out, and I think I’ve only made the 4-6 once in my whole life, whereas I’ve made the 7-10 about 10 times or so. Read more about Michael at his website, faganbowling.com.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
The details in theaters november 2
Jeff and Nealy (Tobey Maguire and Elizabeth Banks) have been married for ten years and are living an ideal suburban life complete with the rocky relationship and infidelity. Just when things start getting really messy, a family of raccoons ransack their backyard and, before they know it, ruin a whole lot more than just their perfectly-manicured begonias.
flight in theaters november 2
Denzel Washington plays a badass pilot who miraculously crashlands a plane to save everyone on board. Homeboy becomes a hero, but naturally there's a catch - apparently, he had booze in his system during the time of the accident. Seems like an insignificant detail considering the circumstances, but what do we know?
100 Greatest Songs of the 90s Saturday, November 3 from 4pm - 9pm on VH1
If five straight hours of 90s hit songs sound like a great way to start your Saturday night, then this is what you'll need to be watching. So take a drink when P.Diddy is still called Puff Daddy. Take a drink when you know every word to a song. Take a drink when Britney was still hot. Take a drink for the beauty that is the 90s!
l a i t n e d i s e h s pr a face m
Eisenh
The man you see below has spend over 38 years in the White House. What, he's unrecognizable to you? Well maybe you need to hit up a high school history class, or maybe it's just because we took various presidential facial features and slapped them together. Yeah, that's it. Well, can you identify which presidential facial feature belongs to each commander in chief? Your choices are listed below the picture. If you can correctly identify the head, hair, ears, eyes, nose, mouth and moustache of each big boy, email Face@theblacksheeponline.com to claim your prize.
ower, Nixon, Obama, Kennedy Clinton, Bush Jr., Taft
the classtime Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is your new president speaking, and I know that my election win comes as a shock to most of you. Rest assure that even though I only have the brains of a ___1___- cast member, this country is going to get hella better. Here is why: • First things first, ___2___ will become legalized. Not just medicinally but, you know, for ___3___ shows and marathons of ___4____. And those nasty hangovers, my God. • Universal healthcare? Why not! If you broke your ___5___ while partaking in ___6___ fun with your favorite booty call, fear no more! There’s no longer reason to worry about ___7___ or knocking up your ___8___ anymore, because condoms and birth control will be free for all! Especially for ___9____ and ___10___, for obvious reasons. • Because it’s 2012 and not 1812, women will
madlib: presidential speech
have equal rights! Novel concept, huh? So if you had one too many ___11___’s at ___12___ and ended up grinding with ___13___ to ___14___ all night long, and he swooned you with ___15___ and then you ended up on their ___16___ and… you know… well, you can get that taken care of now. Because it’s your body that little monster will be brewin’ in, so it only makes sense. • The troops will be coming home in time for Thanksgiving! So get excited for maxing out on ___17___ and ___18___ football and ___19___, because this is America! Additionally, for the holidays all who have served in the past two decades will receive complimentary bottles of ___20___, ample ___21___ and ___22___ strippers, because, again, this is America!!! My fellow Americans, I hope that you are satisfied with your choice of president. The next four years are going to be bomb as hell, I swear.
ALL DAY, EVERY DAY
1) Reality Show 2) drug 3) rapper 4) TV show 5) body part 6) sex position 7) STD 8) slang for “girl” 9) ugly celebrity 10) slutty celebrity 11) cocktail 12) Local shitty bar 13) ex-boyfriend/girlfriend 14) catchy pop song 15) drunk food 16) piece of furniture 17) thanksgiving side dish 18) NFL team 19) shitty beer 20) quality tequila 21) stimulant 22) hair color
EVERYTHING IS 2-4-1!
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