The Black Sheep
co FRE ac E.. h' . Li s n ke am ch e. an "K tin ill ! K g yo ill ur !K ill !"
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 7 10/18/12 - 10/24/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn
Bringing Down the House Michael mcsherry wrote this
Making the transition from your dorm to off-campus housing can be great fun, but before you get too excited, let’s have a reality check. Don’t start your adventure thinking you and your buddies are going to end up in some awesome party house one block from campus. Odds are you’re going to end up renting a rat-hole that would have been condemned long ago if the health inspector had the intestinal fortitude to step foot inside of the joint. Think about it; who in their right mind would rent their pristine property to a group of college students who spend the majority of their time in Minneapolis perfecting the art of projectile vomiting? Like any endeavor, it’s best to go into your search with realistic expectations. It’s really about compromise. When you start browsing, questions of space and amenities and a room count will quickly be superseded by more pressing thoughts, like “Is that stain on the bathroom floor the result of a double homicide or poor plumbing?” or, “I wonder if that strange man is always staring into the bedroom window?” At $300 a month who cares?! You’ll find that nothing lowers the bar like your proximity to campus, being able to sleep a few extra minutes each day is certainly worth eating Ramen with your roach friends on the reg. Even though you’ll probably end up living in a building that ought to be condemned, there are a few things you should consider before saying goodbye to the dorms. Cover the basics first. Get something that’s a comfortable walking distance to campus. If you find yourself doubling up on the back of your friend’s moped because your legs are tired, the walk is too long (and you ought to be kicked for thinking of it). Neighbors are also important. If you’ve got a neighbor who calls in a noise complaint every time you’re blaring "Gangnam Style," you’re going to have a bad time. Conversely, if Captain Shouty enjoys a screaming match with his girlfriend at three in the morning, pass. Beyond that, scope out the property itself and make sure it’s up to basic expectations. Does the place look flammable? Does it smell like mold slept with fart to
Your Freak Flag (and When Not to Fly It) Sure you could truth-vomit your fondness for vibrating toothbrushes...
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make an abomination of scent that’s not going away any time soon? Again, don’t be afraid to walk away. And keep in mind, there may have been at least a few good things about your dorm that you haven’t appreciated. There was a staff taking care of most of the cleaning, making sure that things stayed in a livable condition. Just wait until you’re in a house full of people who’ve spent eighteen years being pampered by Mommy; dishes pile up to Everest stacks quite quickly, and taking out the garbage reverts to the classic Simpsons line, “He who tops it off, drops
what’s inside
it off.” Try to pick roommates who aren’t barelyfunctioning idiots. Basic skills/habits each housemate should possess? The ability to cook, do laundry, wash dishes, and vomit in the toilet are paramount. If you’re convinced that you and your friends are ready to take the plunge, nothing feels better than getting your own place. Pick your house right, and with proper attention to detail, your place will play host to some of the best memories a four year education can give you. Happy hunting!
Top Ten: Things Not To Be Doing When A Fire Alarm Goes Off
The Zombie Barcrawl: What Not to Do
you should constantly be waiting for the alarm to go off.
Learn from our mistakes, and don't hook up with multiple zombies in multiple alleys.
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contents page 5: The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse: Election Edition
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 5
Read this and you won't not vote for the wrong or right person to not run this country into the ground or to the top.
Table of
page 6: From the streets What's the biggest fail you witnessed this homecoming weekend?
page 7: Conversations with the shower The sweet nothings you whisper to that warm stream of water.
page 11: Bartender of the week Ben from The Republic, or as you might otherwise know him, Cicero Johnson.
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page three p e e h S k c a l B e h T p p A e l i b o M
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Moments later the walls dripped with blood as Zombie Steve cried a single tear of loneliness
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word of the week Guyser:
The urine stream of a man who hasn’t used a restroom in over five hours.
Sarah Shahi & Common
“After downing that yardstick of beer, Rob’s guyser allowed him to pee into a urinal from the opposite side of the bathroom.”
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The Top ten
theblacksheeponline.com
Your Freak Flag (And When to Fly It)
Things Not to Be Doing When a Fire Alarm Goes Off
Michael McSherry wrote this
10.) Facebook creeping: When your friends rush in to make sure you escape a fiery death, you don’t want to be caught creeping on their sister’s Facebook pictures. In the excitement you’ll try to explain how you wound up on her "California Vay-Cay" album, but even with all the excitement, they’ll see through your perverted ways and just might break your legs and leave you for dead. If it turns out the fire was a false alarm, they may be inclined to start a real one. 9.) Football: We have a religious connection with our Vikings, and we’re not about to let a little fire get in the way of our Sunday tradition. The replacement refs aren’t even in the game anymore but they’re obviously behind the fire alarm: it’s just a way to rob the Minnesota fans of their game time. Keep on filling yourself with beer and nachos and turn up the volume to drown out the sirens.
Despite your sweaty-palmed mumblings and regrettable decision to take the leap sober, that special someone you’ve been gawking at all semester in the back of lecture somehow found your lack of direct eye contact endearing enough to agree to a date this Friday. The hardest part is over, right? Not exactly. Like the opening phrase of a Carly Rae Jepsen song, the worst is yet to come. Just because you’ve scored a first date doesn’t mean your prospects have improved; the only thing you can be sure of now is some awkward conversation mixed with just the right amount of intestinal distress. After all, that’s what you get for sucking in your gut for three hours. Smile and clench your teeth a little harder, champ. If all goes well, you’ll be sucking it in for months to come. Getting comfortable means getting to know one another, but be sure to do this slowly. Your close friends who’ve known you for years might tell you your quirks make you eccentric, but the rest of the world thinks you’re batshit crazy. Keep your Pokémon cards at home (nobody cares about your holographic Charizard anyway), and try to hide the fact that you’re totally friggin’ bonkers for as long as you can. Your new love interest is doing the same. The time to let your guard down will come, but patience is key. You’d like to get to the point where you can just be yourself around your new squeeze, but that doesn’t mean you ought to flip the throttle open on the crazy just yet. Start off
slow and let him or her catch a glimpse of your weirdness. As you get more comfortable with one another, you’ve got a little more leeway, but proceed with caution! The third date is not the time to start smelling your freshly gnawed-off toenails before handing them to your partner while muttering, “Does this smell infected to you?” Give them some time to acclimate to the change; too much too soon could send them squealing like a chubby kid who got pushed into the lake before he was ready. And remember, you’re not the only one playing this game. While you’re gauging how well you’re being received and wondering if it was too soon to tell that dead baby joke, your partner is engaging in the same psychological striptease. Bit by bit, you’re both replacing the socially acceptable and carefully manicured versions of yourself with something more real. If you’re doing that toe thing, you can’t get upset when she starts picking your zits while purring like a kitten. Keep in mind that opening up is weird for both of you, because hey, no awkward turtle should have to swim alone. Give it time and with a bit of luck, all those idiosyncrasies will become a bridge between you instead of an insurmountable wall that neither of you want to scale. Sure, you’ll still try to act cool and “normal,” but there will be that one person who recognizes the bespectacled mouth-breather inside you and loves you for it. When you’re there, feel free to let the freak flags fly.
8.) Sex with handcuffs: So you’ve finally convinced Samantha Kinky to fulfill your fantasy by locking you to your bedpost. Just when things get hot and heavy, and you’re securely locked in place, you’ll be prompted to evacuate the building. Samantha, a woman of mental capacities not so much different from a hamster, has lost the key and scampered away, leaving you chained to the bed. You’re lucky that your girlfriend came home early from class; maybe she’ll send for help. 7.) Dancing and singing: Going all Risky Business is exactly what the title implies. If you’ve chosen to slide around in your skivvies there is an increased probability of having to vacate the building in whatever you have, or don’t have on. People will, however, appreciate your effort in reliving the 80s classic when you’re all across the street, and it might take their mind off the inferno that is your home. 6.) Showering: Lather, rinse, and repeat. Don’t ever listen to that garbage, it’s a marketing ploy and it wastes too much time. If you’re living in a building that is prone to combustion it might seem logical to surround yourself by water, but it’s a trap. If the alarm goes off you have to be out the door, and chances are that all you’ve got is a towel and maybe some flipflops (and a nice little shower caddy). You’re left to run for the exit, conditioner still in hair. 5.) Working out: You’ve chosen to “work out” in your room rather than embarrass yourself in the fitness center. Two sit-ups into your workout and you’re drenched in sweat, cramped, and unable to move. You’ll have to call for help and hope that one of your roommates or neighbors has the strength to carry the deadweight that is you. Fatty. 4.) Passed out: Whether it’s a beer- or study-induced coma is irrelevant. The place might be burning down and you’re not going to wake up for it. You’ll wake up several hours later (hopefully not in the burn ward), walk to the bathroom, and see a moustache, “glory hole,” and the Harry Potter scar scribbled all over your face. You’d rather have died than to have had your roommate violate the privacy that is your face. 3.) Fuh-fuh-fuh fapping: Getting interrupted mid-session would be lower on the list if it weren’t so expected of you. The fire alarm is never real and chances are you’ll be fine if you just ignore it and enjoy your “quiet time.” 2.) Intense childhood games: It is downright sacrilegious to abandon a game of Twister, hide and seek, or even duck, duck, goose, at any age. You will keep on “duck, duck, ducking,” until the firemen burst in to the blazing room. Make sure to bop him on the hand and run! Just make sure you don’t stub your toe when trying not to get caught; that’s the worst. 1.) Bathroom stranded: Showers are different, you still have the freedom to move around and run away if need be. Being stranded in the pooper forces you to make a choice: wait it out or abandon ship. Choose wisely, don't choose both.
katrina wrotethis this Nik nicholson Strand wrote
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The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse: Election Edition
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Phil McCracken wrote this
November 6th marks the 57th Presidential Election in the United States of America. It’s hard to get a consensus from Americans on who should govern the greatest country in the world for the next four years, but one thing everyone can agree on is that if the WRONG/RIGHT man is elected, it’s the end of the world. We are incredibly smart people at The Black Sheep, yes. But with great smart comes great responsibility. We can’t tell you who to vote for, but we CAN tell you what will happen if you let the wrong person into the White House: the end times. If the wrong man gets into the White House this year, you can count on rampant baby killing/mandatory ovary surrender for all Americans, and every Sunday will be spent in state-sanctioned church/burning all Christian institutions to the ground. Obviously, we can’t let this happen. But what can we do? PREPARATION: Register to vote. In the battle against the homophobic/successaphobic monster, the only bullet the not-wrong candidate has is your vote. If you don’t register or you think your candidate has it in the bag/isn’t that great anyway, you may as well give a vote over to the other guy, and we all know where that leads: China collecting their debt by selling your sister as a sex slave to Russia; the government placing all gays, women, Muslims, Jews, atheists, Mexicans and poor people in internment camps. Register, yes, but remember to prepare for the worst: stock up on birth control, soap, booze, Korans, porn, freedom; guns, Bibles, straight sex, soda, crucifixes and freedom, just in case. Also toilet paper. You’re really going to want toilet paper when the government; world collapses.
THE BATTLE: You are only one voter in a country with around 150 million other voters. That can be disheartening. But do not let your heart be troubled, little hobbit. There are many ways to make sure your vote counts! For example, the night of November 5th, go to every Republican/Democrat house you know and nail the doors shut so they can’t get out to vote for the antichrist/antimuhammad. You could steal the identity of every American that’s ever died and vote a billion times in a row. You could volunteer as a campaign intern for the wrong guy and act like a complete idiot on TV, just to screw up Romney/Obama fans. The possibilities are as endless as your willingness to steal other people’s ideas. Whatever you do will be totally justified as long as it helps prevent the war on women/the war on Jesus. THE AFTERMATH: If the wrong man gets elected President of the United States, you may as well move to Canada/your summer home in the Cayman Islands. That’s just all progress toward equal rights/a balanced federal budget gone straight to Hell/whatever secret hippie Muslims believe is the opposite of secret hippie Muslim heaven. Say goodbye to condoms and healthcare/Christmas and small businesses, and hello to 1950s era civil rights/a thousand years of darkness as promised by Chuck Norris himself. If the wrong man gets elected, it’s possible - nay, likely - that he will personally end your way of life with his stash of guns/telekinesis. If you feel at all threatened, you must disguise yourself as a homeless minority on welfare/WASP for the next four years to avoid persecution. The stakes are incredibly high this election. We can no longer stand idly by as politicians threaten to plunge us into an-
other bloody war/kill all our fetuses. It’s our duty as Republicans/Democrats - nay, as Americans - to keep the wrong man out of our pockets/uteruses and make sure this powerful/peace-loving nation is in a fit condition to pass on to our children/grandparents on Medicare/Oh my God you did not go there/Oh, like you’re any better, manipulating everyone with your children talk/Well, we won’t have any left if your kind keeps aborting/And we won’t have any grandparents left if your guy’s economic plan goes through/His economic plan is sensible and I’m sick of paying for lazy assholes like you to go to the doctor/Real nice, and I guess you’re sick of paying for schools in struggling areas too/The MARKET will speak for the distribution of federal funds/America is not a business you goddamn idiot/Maybe it would be in better shape right now if we ran it like one, you socialist prick/I’ll kill your face/I’ll kill your religion/I’ll kill your baby/I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, OBAMA IS A BABY KILLER/ROMNEY HATES POOR PEOPLE/It is so on, baby-killer/See you at the polls, homophobe/ I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I?
The Zombie Pub Crawl: What not to do McKinley Johnson wrote this
With a head ringing with regret from too many zombie shots, brains and blood scattered all over the house with no one around to clean it up, and a friend stuck in a hotel room he didn’t even remember being invited to, we’re ready to tell this tale of an adventure in zombieland. As it’s such an important day in Minneapolis, we’re going to make sure any brainless mouth breather could have a good time. Learn from a poor, dead, shambling man’s mistakes. Regardless of what your barely-there brain tells you, don’t start your night off without the wristband. You’ll be expected to shamble shamelessly around town, and this thin piece of laminate all but assures one of reaching stumble status far before the rest of the pack. The writstband is the zombie pub crawl equivalent of a golden ticket to the Wonka Factory: it’ll take you anywhere and everywhere you’ll want to go, it even promises the same sense of danger. Get too greedy and you’ll stumble around yelling “brains” in your pack of alcohol-fueled undead before the sun sets, and without the cover of night it’s far too easy for the living to avoid (and criticize) you. After hours of shambling around town calling for the brains of the mortified passer by, a zombie can get pretty thirsty, right? Well, everyone knows that a great
watering hole for any zombie is the Nomad World Pub, a great place to stop for a round or two of blood shots before preying on some hapless hobo in an alley. Stumbling around with drunk goggles in a sea of similarly-brain dead meat sacks can be frustrating, even make you want to tear out a throat or two, but every good zombie knows to keep calm and get your drink on. Pour the liquor, they will come. When a member of your undead horde eats enough brain to cop an ego, do not hesitate to gang maul him in the middle of the street. Remember, zombies are simply undead reincarnations of the recently-living, so they can be douchebags too. A backward, upsidedown visor still acts as a symbol of shittery, one should fully appreciate a member of the living taking shovel to this zomboner’s throat. If spotted, avoid at all costs. At some point you’re going to have to leave wherever it is you’re mumbling incoherently to meet your fellow flesh eaters, but remember that it’s important try to make it back. For those worthless ones who have lost their legs because of too many blood shots and no brains, it’s best to just leave them in an alley, after taking pictures of course. Remember, no good zombie left behind, at least without an embarrassing picture waiting for them.
The last and most important thing to remember is to never stop the consumption. You’re here for the booze. Nothing comes before the booze, even the sweet, sweet brains of your soon-to-be-vanquished enemies. Hopefully this sage wisdom will lead to a better pub crawl for you and your fellow ghouls, if not the ghost of I-told-you-so will haunt you until your undying day.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What’s the biggest FAIL you witnessed this homecoming weekend? “I saw a couple zombies hooking up in an alley during the pub crawl.” - Heather C., Senior
“I walked into a room where two passed out guys were duct taped to each other.” - Grant L., Junior
“Too many chicks popping a squat in public!” - Kip W., Freshman
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
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Conversations with the Shower Hannah Weyer wrote this Nng. No. I do not want to wake up. Waking up is the worst. What time is it? 8 a.m.? No. The world does not exist before 10:30. Go away. Shut UP, alarm. No one asked you. I’ll kill you. Come on, just stop screeching. Don’t make me get up to turn you off, I’ll never get back to sleep if you make me move. Stop it. Stop it. Cut it out! FINE. You want me to turn you off, I’ll turn youCOLD! Holy crapballs, the floor is freezing! Where are my socks? The fuzzy pink ones? They’re over there? Are you serious? GAH, cold, cold, cold, cold, bam. Snooze button. Victory. Shit, where did this headache come from? I’m never gonna get back to sleep! I hate you, alcohol! Oh, half-empty bottle of rum, I love you. Never leave me. Is roommate already gone? But the world hasn’t started existing yet. Beyond that door lies the Void. She is beyond reach now. I hope she took the trash with her. May as well get ready now. CHRIST ON A CRACKER it’s cold! Did roommate seriously leave the window open last night? I knew it, she’s trying to kill me. She will suffer my passive-aggressive retribution, mark my words. Why can’t I take a shower in my pajamas? It’s too cold to naked SWEET MOTHER OF GOD THAT IS NICE. Shower, dear, is it hot in here, or is it just you? How are you making the magical ceiling water so warm? Wait, can you do hotter? Ooh! That is hot! Okay, too hot. Too hot! TOO HOT! Ahhh. Perfect. Oh, Shower. Oh, I’ve missed your sweet embrace. Let’s just enjoy the moment. Shh. Don’t say anything, Shower. I know.
I understand you, and I know we’ve only been together for a month and a half, but I feel like you get me too. It’s funny, Shower. I never used to believe in true love before, but now… I… My hair. I have to shampoo. It was nothing, I was just thinking out loud! Here, move down. That way I can wash my hair without getting cold. Aw, hell, let’s turn up the heat! YOLO! Sweet peaches and cream, it’s like millions of tiny demons flaying my skin. I love it. CRAP! Is that my alarm? I forgot, I left the snooze on! Oh my God, that’s annoying! I’ll be right back, hang on. No, I’m just going to turn off the alarm. What? No, of course there isn’t another shower, you’re the only shower in my life! That’s why I gave you the loofah! Please stop crying, Shower. No, I’m sorry. Shh. Of course I’m not mad, why would I be mad at you? You’re perfect and warm and wonderful… you’re right, I don’t need to turn off the alarm. It’s not that annoying. Let’s just stay here. I mean it. The alarm isn’t important. You are. I love you too, Shower. I love you too. Smell this conditioner, Shower! It’s like strawberries! I’m so glad that we have each other. You complete me. Man, I don’t want to leave! I want to stay with you where it’s safe and warm! Out there is so cold and dry, it’s like it doesn’t even care about me. But you care. You care about my comfort. You’re the best. But seriously, I do have to go to class. Yes, I do. Haha, yes. No, you’re silly! No, you! Come on, let me go, you big silly goose. I’ll be back tonight, I promise! Ooh, I don’t wanna see you go either! Well… I guess I have time to shave my legs again. Man, I am going to have to run
to class, aren’t I? Ooh, hotter! Perfect! Shh! Do you hear that? Is that… is that the "oh shit" alarm? 9:00, how is it 9:00? Shit, I’m late for class! No, I’m serious, Shower, let me go! Yes, I do have to get to class, I can’t skip again! I have to be a good student! No, don’t touch me, let me go! Let me go! Of course I can still make it, just let me get dressed! They will not all look at me funny, everyone is late sometimes. I’m gonna count to three, then you have to let me go to class. One… two… Fine. You win. What’s one more skipped class, anyway? As long as I have you, it doesn’t matter. Right? Wait, what’s wrong? No, hot. Hotter, Shower, what are you doing? Are you okay? What are…what are you doing? No! No, it’s chilly! Hotter, Shower, hotter! GAH! YOU BASTARD! I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING! I am betrayed! Et tu, Shower? Et tu? I’ll see you tonight, you son of a bitch.
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SATURDAY 10/20
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
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SUNDAY 10/21
6pm – Close: $3 Bells & PBR Tall Boys
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot): 4pm - Close
MONDAY 10/22
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers Open Mic 10pm - Close
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8pm - Close $2.50 Mexican Beers & $3 Sauza Gold
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Now Hiring All Positions Apply in Person at Brothers on 1st and 5th Ave between 11AM and 5PM
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FRIDAY 10/19
Now Hiring All Positions Apply in Person at Brothers on 1st and 5th Ave between 11AM and 5PM
$2 Rails, Domestic Bottles, Lite & Premo Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Bottles & Hand Crafted Drafts $4 Select Bombs: 10pm - Close $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm
SATURDAY 10/20
Now Hiring All Positions Apply in Person at Brothers on 1st and 5th Ave between 11AM and 5PM
Free Beer! During 1st Quarter of Noon, 3pm & 7pm Pro Football Games. $2 Kamis: 10pm - Close Happy Hour Pricing All Day Long! $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
45 Cent Wings All Day
SUNDAY 10/21
Now Hiring All Positions Apply in Person at Brothers on 1st and 5th Ave between 11AM and 5PM
Big Mug Monday! Free Beer During 1st Quarter of Monday Night Football $3 Lite & Premo, $4 Hand-Crafted, $5 Hop-Head Specialties $2 Rails & $3 Calls $2 & $3 Shots Game - Close
2-4-1's All Day EVERYDAY, EVERYTHING 1/2 Price Burgers
MONDAY 10/22
Now Hiring All Positions Apply in Person at Brothers on 1st and 5th Ave between 11AM and 5PM
2 for Tuesday! 10pm - Close 2 for 1 Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm
TUESDAY 10/23
$1 Tacos 3pm-close
WEDNESDAY 10/24
Now Hiring All Positions Apply in Person at Brothers on 1st and 5th Ave between 101M and 5PM
Legendary wild wednedays: college id night
Power Hour 10pm - 12am: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles | Free Cocktail Hour: 11pm - 12am (w/ college ID) | $3 U-Call-It 11pm Close (Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails and Calls) $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
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Now Hiring All Positions Daily Apply in Person at Brothers on 1st and 5th Ave between 11AM and 5PM
The Bar Grid
page 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Safety First, Lady Gophers! TBS Staff wrote this Halloween is coming up fast! Now, we know since we’re all finally grown ups, there’s a lot of temptation to go out and have the night of Halloween debauchery you always dreamed of. Whether you’re debauching your liver, leaving a flaming bag of debauchery on somebody’s porch, or debauching somebody’s eyes out ‘cause they looked at you funny, there’s a lot of potential for things to go wrong. Especially when you’re a young woman. Now, we may not be completely “intouch” to all your womanly needs, but this is an important subject, so we’ll try to put ourselves in your shoes for the sake of safety. Every night out starts by getting dressed and ready. Let’s say it normally takes you ten minutes to get dressed and ready. Heck, we’ll be generous and say fifteen. On Halloween weekend, you should double that time. “Thirty minutes just to get ready?” you say into this newspaper like a weirdo, “that’s ridiculous!” Stick with us, it’ll make sense. On top of the things you usually probably do, like lotioning up your boobs or whatever, you’re going to want to bring some protection. Strap yourself with as many weapons as you can. Tuck a little can of pepper spray into your boots. Strap a nightstick to your thigh. Stuff a shotgun into your giant sorority totebag (a handful of handguns will work in a pinch). Don’t forget to think up cool things to say in case you have to defend yourself, like “Oh, I’ll blow you… AWAY… with this shotgun… in your face… asshole!” Probably should cut it off sooner, but it’s a good start.
So you’re armed to the teeth and walking to the party, but another danger is all around you - the frigid fall air. Hypothermia causes more deaths per year than pigs, acorn poisoning, and abandonment in outer space COMBINED. Don’t be one of those girls who risk their life just for the sake of lookin’ hot. There are plenty of hot costumes that don’t leave your skin exposed. Like… a sexy burrito, maybe? Hey, don’t knock it, I guarantee every guy on campus has at some point been drunk and hungry enough to think “ohhh man, this burrito looks so good, I almost wanna stick my dick in it.” YOU could be the burrito that strangers almost want to stick their dick into. Shoot for the stars, girl. Once you get to the party, you're probably going to be tempted by all those super cute boyz. But be careful! In the words of my old Aunt Roxy, “Boys want nothing more than to use you for sex, get you pregnant, and then dump you down the well so he inherits your fortune through your bastard child.” Aint that the truth. So STAY AWAY from them! Hook-ups usually happen after midnight, so protect yourself with God's own sleep timer: alcohol. Just drink as much as you can, as fast as you can, and you'll be fast asleep before you can do any wrong. Okay, don't freak, waking up in a cornfield is a rite of passage as sacred as a first divorce. Chances are you lost your purse and phone, and your friends flipped and told your parents you're missing and probably dead. Hey, I said don't freak! Jeez! Getting home is easy if
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you paid attention in school. Remember, the sun rises in the... the, uhhh... fuucckkk. Alright, plan B. In this one episode of Man Vs. Wild, they explained how animal waste is a great way to stay energized and hydrated in a pinch. Oh, excuse us, we didn't realize we were dealing with Ms. Prima-Donna “I'm not eating shit, I'm like two miles from campus.” Oh, how about that, you had your phone the whole time. You think Burrito Loco delivers this far? We’d love something to wash down all that horse piss. We know you're thinking, “I don't need safety advice. I already stapled my vagina shut and coated my neck with Tabasco, I'll be fine.” Yeah, that's what my friend Amanda said, and three hours later she was dead from acorn poisoning. Now she's just another statistic. Always play it safe, and remember the three B's: Booze, burrito, and b'weapons.
page 11
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bartender of the week Ben The Republic Age: 28 Favorite Drink: Craft beer, specifically Steel Toe’s Dissent. Pet Peeve: Clueless people Hangover Cure: Call in sick…. Someone that inspires you: Oliver Nicholson, Professor of Classics at U of M. Favorite Musician: Bob Dylan (the new stuff) Favorite Shot: White Gummy Bear Favorite Bar: The Republic
the drinking game
BAC - Tosh.08 Comedy Central has a tendency to play day-long marathons of reruns before getting to the shows people actually want to watch (South Park). If you’re lucky, you’ll turn on Comedy Central to find a run of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Futurama episodes. However, if you’re not so lucky you will be forced to watch a marathon of a naked Daniel Tosh making tasteless dick jokes. Doesn’t he know that’s our job? What You’ll Need: Cans of beer or mixed drinks, whatever you so desire. Number of Players: As many people you can find that like drinking and internet videos. Level of Intoxication: If you follow all of the rules than you should be as drunk as the average idiot in most internet videos. How to Play: Take one drink when: -Somebody hurts themselves in a video. -Something is blurred/bleeped out. -Tosh makes a self-deprecating joke. Take two drinks when: -Tosh makes a racist joke. -Tosh hints at his homosexuality.
Take three drinks when: -Tosh says, “And for that, we thank you.” -Somebody in a video is speaking Russian. -Somebody in a video is clearly almost killed. Finish your drink when: -Tosh is fully nude. -Tosh’s “20 Seconds on the Clock” actually lasts more than 20 seconds. -The word “Reddit” is spoken.
The Game Ends When: Karmic justice comes around and he’s decapitated by Islamic fundamentalists on video.
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Craziest place you've done the dirty: Church closet Three Wishes: Immediately wish away the wishes… too much responsibility. Boxers or briefs: Briefs Porn Star Name: Cicero Johnson If you could create any holiday what would it be: 2nd Valentine’s Day, but instead of candy and flowers, people would dress up like a Roman soldier and die. Who would you pick for a celebrity threesome: Elmo and Yoda
Recipe for Disaster
Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies This is one that you’ll want to share with friends, but if you have no friends, you can still put yourself up to the challenge. That challenge being a competition between your arteries and your colon to see which one can get clogged first. What You’ll Need: ¾ cups flour, ½ teaspoon baking soda, ¾ teaspoon baking powder, ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons butter, ½ cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar, ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons brown sugar, 1 egg, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, ½ cup chocolate (dark, for you wild and crazy types) morsels, 8 slices of crispy bacon Cook Time: Approximately 35 minutes. Fatty Factor: Didn’t you read the intro, fatty? Let’s Get Baked: - Toss the flour, baking soda, and powder into a bowl. - Whip that butter and sugar good until you get a nice, fluff-like concoction. Add an egg for good measure and go all Devo on it. Give that vanilla some love too. - Your flour/baking soda/powder mix is feeling lonely. Toss it in with the wet stuff. - Douse that sucker generously with chocolate and bacon (make this phrase a part of everyday life). - Let this all sit in the fridge for a day. - Preheat your oven and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. - Scoop your mix and cup some balls. - Bake ‘em to your perfection for around 20 minutes, and let them cool before devouring. It’ll take a few minutes for the stroke to kick in but when it does, just ride out the storm.
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5 Horrors of Higher Academia that Will Probably definitely Happen on your Campus, Too University of Georgia:
Penn State: Betsy Aardsma
Anna Hamilton/Susie Caruthers
The Facts: Young Betsy was a regular young English major, and like any young English major she was spending a late night in the stacks, researching an upcoming paper. Innocently using the stacks the way they’re supposed to be used (not getting high in, or having sex, you sickos) she was stabbed through the heart by two men – who have yet to be found to this day. The Legend: The aisle where Betsy was stabbed is still in use today. Amongst recordings and strange reports coming out of current students, there was one student who had been researching books in the same aisle, and later woke up to a strong sensation of being strangled – whether he was just hiding his autoerotic asphyxiation habit or not is up to you. The Fear: Every campus has an old library that for some ungodly reason still keeps Japanese criticisms of Dutch interpretations of Moby Dick around – it’s the never-ending labyrinth higher education. Since the Internet can’t always provide you with streamlined porn and Moby Dick interpretations, you have
your lug your ass to the library stacks. Alone and confused in the dark, you are extremely susceptible to being stabbed and left for dead, as the rickety librarian leads EMTs to the spot she thinks you might be. There aren’t cameras, and no one knows you’re there… better prepare to make it your place of eternal agitation.
Illinois Central College: Crampton Hall The Facts: A university resident hall, Crampton Hall, was built in 1873 - a cursed year that saw Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis receive a patent for using copper rivets to reinforce work pants. Built to house 69 men, this dormitory has a history of men being trapped in closets. This should surprise no one. The Legend: Two reports of similar tales occurring on different dates exist. In one, a young man is found dead in his closet, hanged in such a way that he could not have done it himself. The other tale has several men pre-gaming in a dorm room. When the bros finally decide to roll out to find some hoes, they
call on another bro. Entering his room, the find him tied up in a closet, upside down, naked, and incoherent. The Fear: Closets are necessary for any modern man or woman. Without them, clothing would be strewn willy-nilly across a room that’s already breathtakingly small. They’re a necessary evil— housing everything from t-shirts earned through intramural sport to t-shirts received by signing up for various campus clubs. Closets aren’t going anywhere. Hell, there’s probably a closet in whatever room you’re reading this in right now, dear reader. If you’re lucky, there’s even a naked dude in it.
California State University Channel Islands The Facts: Opened in 2002, Cal State Channel Islands is housed in a series of buildings previously known as Camarillo State Mental Hospital—an insane asylum. This seemed like a good idea to someone somewhere who had never seen a scary movie in his life.
The Legend: Girls have reported being able to communicate with Anna, and many hear her crying in empty rooms of the house or at the top of the stairs. Susie’s ghost is a little more active, as she glares at people through the attic’s windows, walks around the attic, moves furniture around, and turns lights on and off – typical ghost stuff. The Fear: Who knows what history the building you live in holds. You moved in at the beginning of the year - but think of all the prior occupants, all the creepy energies that have moved in and out, slept where you sleep, hung themselves in the closet you drunkenly peed in last weekend. Ignorance is bliss, sure, but maybe you should think about why all your drawers got pulled out, instead of blaming your drunken self. Maybe you should think twice next time you privately masturbate on Sunday mornings – someone could be watching.
Manhattanville College: Marissa Pagli The Facts: Marissa Pagli was killed in 2010 by her own mother after a domestic argument in the staff housing apartment they shared on campus. Marissa’s mother stated she killed her daughter because Marissa was “disrespectful all the time.” Remember kids, bitches be crazy. The Legend: Other than the mother’s vague reasoning, there’s no real rhyme or reason to this murder. A note that explains the motive has not been released to the public, and the family’s life was seen as stable prior to the murder. Out loud this time, class: bitches be crazy.
The Legend: A variety of ghostly occurrences have happened on the campus, from ghosts dancing in the light only to disappear, to ghosts of the crazy and the dead wandering the grounds. Basically, a lot of ghosts doing scary stuff in a scary place. Also, the cafeteria food at this place is supposed to be pretty sub-par. Stay away from the Italian Veggie soup, it’s definitely not made from scratch. The Fear: What’s the point of even eating soup if it’s coming out of a big plasti—Oh, the ghost stuff. Well, what’s terrifying about that is, we can’t prove whether or not ghosts exist; so even though the idea of one is kind of stupid, someone could
The Facts: Two ghosts are known to haunt different sorority houses on the University of Georgia campus. First is Anna Hamilton, who witnessed her boyfriend get murdered, then buried under the steps of the Phi Mu house. Then, at the Alpha Gamma Delta house, one Susie Caruthers hung herself in the attic after being stood up on her wedding day.
just go and be all, “But you can’t prove they don’t exist!” and they’d be right about that, giving them some sense of selfsatisfaction even though they haven’t proven their crackpot conspiracy theory, and the look of smugness that will inevitably creep across their face is just the worst.
The Fear: It’s a cold, dark night at State University and you’re in your room alone when someone knocks. You quickly minimize the pornography on your computer screen and tiptoe to the door. A sense of dread washes over you as you whisper “Who is it?” hoping desperately that only silence comes from the other side. Then it happens, a response: “It’s… your mother.” Slowly, you begin to realize that you’re in college and you’re living with your parents. If that doesn’t make you want to die, nothing will.
the interview
owen
Owen is the solo project of Chicago-based Mike Kinsella. Known for his soft melodies and complex acoustics, Kinsella is an influential force in the indie scene. His most recent album, Ghost Town, can be downloaded on iTunes or streamed at polyvinylrecords.com. Otherwise, catch him touring the east coast October through December. (Catch him on Twitter @mybandOwen) By: Quinn The Black Sheep: Your first few bands were with your family - a couple with your brother and cousin, what started that? Did you guys start playing when you were little kids? Owen: Oh yeah, my brother is a couple of years older and he started a high school band that practiced in our basement. I would sit upstairs, pick up a guitar and try to play along. Then eventually they realized I could play all their songs, so I joined as second guitar... and then they were the only people I played for the first five years of my career. TBS: You eventually had to take over, because you’re pretty damn good at guitar. Owen: The other guy is actually way better at guitar than I am - Victor Villarreal, and he’s played in multiple bands as well - he’s pretty fantastic. TBS: But you’ve got some pretty intricate guitar tabs and lyrics one must pay attention to, does that call for a more intimate crowd? Do you ever get frustrated with bigger crowds? Owen: Yeah, [laughs] I shouldn’t say this, but it used to bum me out, like depress me. Every so often I’d get crabby and make an asshole remark on stage or something. But I’ll just play my songs for the people trying to pay attention - so I play the best I can for them. TBS: So you’ve moved from recording in a studio, to recording at home, and back to the studio. What did you like about recording at home? Owen: I wanted to learn how to do it, first of all. I think it helped me understand, helped me write songs - to understand the process of recording them. Like putting different layers on top of things, the capabilities of cutting and pasting and looping. But eventually I got too stagnant, and I never got too good at it, so I thought I should probably just pay the professionals. I spent too much time setting up mics and looking for the sound I heard in my head. Someone who knows what they’re doing could do it in their first try. TBS: Are there any songs that work a lot in the studio, but don’t transfer to the live show? Owen: Oh yeah, I mean most of them [laughs], it’s kind of a joke and kind of not - there are a bunch of songs that I never bothered learning after they went on the album, because halfway through the song another guitar or something comes in that completely changes the song - so if we did that live there’s no effect - it’s either not going to be there or not be the same effect. TBS: I saw that you played at Heads And Threads? (Ed. Note: Heads and Threads is a shoddy wig shop in Chicago.) Owen: Oh yeah. TBS: What was that? That is insane. Owen: We were just looking for random places that would make for an interesting setting, and we walked by and saw the heads in there. My buddy went in and asked if it was okay - there were a couple old Asian ladies and they’re like yeah, that’s fine... So I played basically to them, whoever else walked into the store, and a bunch of fake heads. TBS: For your most recent album, Ghost Town, you were married and had just become a father, did that affect the album at all? Owen: Definitely changed the content of the lyrics - instead of talking about failed relationships and pining over girls - it’s more about being in a relationship, and the good things and struggles with that. Having a kid is a total mindfuck, like, a lot of my stuff is faith-based: me struggling with not having a faith, but wanting to have one. You want there to be an afterlife and a purpose to all this, so it definitely changes the content. Like my daughter is going to a Catholic preschool, so she’ll come home and ask things like “Can we sing songs about the father?” She doesn’t really know what that means, so it’s kind of funny. TBS: You’re pretty active on Twitter. How has that changed your relationship with the fans? Owen: I like Twitter; my Facebook page isn’t really me, but my Twitter is. There are some days where I don’t really post anything, then I’ll have a couple beers, watch a movie, and post like a hundred things. It can be a very personal thing, nothing bums me out more than when I follow someone I think highly of, and all they do is try to sell you stuff or promote stuff… And I’ll post when I have a show in different places, but I don’t want to bombard people with that administrative stuff. TBS: So where can people buy shirts and records and stuff? Owen: You can pretty much find everything at polyvinylrecords.com!
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
it’s always sunny in philadelphia thursday, october 18 at 10pm on fx
Season 8’s second episode features Frank (Danny DeVito) concocting a plan to undercut Philly’s tough garbage men’s union so he can get the contract to collect the city’s trash. This may be a worse get-rich-quick scheme than the kitten mittens in season 5, but we’re damn excited to see how it’s not going to work out.
paranormal activity 4 in theaters october 19
The 4th installment of the popular film franchise follows a teenage narrator Alice (Kathryn Newton) and her family. They get some mad creeps when Katie and Hunter (of PA: 2 fame) move in next door. When creepy Katie goes to the hospital, Alice’s mother takes Hunter into the house, where shit predictably goes down in a terrifying way.
Kendrick Lamar - Good Kid, M.a.a.d. City in stores october 23
Compton-raised Kendrick Lamar may have a slew of wellreceived mixtapes and EPs under his belt, but his first major label record is the icing on the cake for the up-and-coming hip-hop artist. Collaborating with industry legends like Pharrell and Dr. Dre, Lamar’s much-anticipated album will discuss his life in the infamous city of Compton. Did you know a crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube lives there?
the quiz: what kind of trick-or-treater were you? Every October 31st, people, normally kids, dress up and walk around collecting candy from strangers and neighbors because, well, America rules. But not every punk-ass kitty or pro-basketball player always played nice. Take our quiz to find out what kind of kid you were when you trick or treated back in the day.
8) Did you ever trade your candy? a) Not really. b) I always talked kids into giving me their Snickers for a stupid Tootsie Roll. c) Oh yeah! That was half the fun at the end of the night!
6) What did you use to collect your candy? a) The biggest pillowcase I could find! b) Eh, my pockets and… stuff. c) This lame bag my mom sewed for me.
7) a=3, b=1, c=2 8) a=1, b=2, c=3
9) a=3, b=1, c=2
answer key
5) Who would you go trick-or-treating with? a) Just a few trustworthy friends... b) All sorts of kids from my group of friends and the neighborhood. c) A bunch of lame neighborhood kids.
5) a=2, b=3, c=1 6) a=3, b=2, c=1
3) What was your go-to last minute costume as a child? a) I’d just throw on a mask. b) A sports fan. c) I was always prepared and I never had some half-assed costume.
7) How would you respond to the old lady who handed out nickels? a) Aww, I thought it was still so sweet of her. b) I was like, “Whatever, can I leave yet?” c) I liked them, it made for great ammo.
ALL DAY, EVERY DAY
9) On November 1st you see an elderly man cleaning up toilet paper in his lawn. How do you respond? a) I totally help to clean up. b) It’s not my problem, so I don’t care. c) I just giggle.
3) a=2, b=1, c=3 4) a=1, b=3, c=2
2) How far in advanced would you plan your costume? a) I’d start brainstorming in July and have a solid plan by September. b) A few days before, but then change my mind at the last minute. c) Like 10 minutes before I went out.
4) Did you ever do anything naughty on Devil’s Night? a) Nah, I’d be playing video games inside. b) No way, I’d be putting the final sequins on my costume. c) Smashing pumpkins was more than just a band name, after all.
1) a=1, b=3, c=2 2) a=3, b=2, c=1
1) What was your favorite part about Halloween as a child? a) School that day was a huge joke. b) Everything!!! c) Pranking people was socially acceptable.
9-14 Points: The Kid Who Didn’t Dress Up
You cynical bastard. You were either too cool to care about a costume, or you really just had no desire to get off the couch for a few hours to gather free candy. When your parents forced you out, you barely threw a sheet over your head and shrieked “Boo!” to the smiling little old lady who still put a Bit-O-Honey in your basket. Today you spend a lot of time smoking weed on the couch, and have strong feelings about the election.
15-21 Points: The Kid Who Tricked
An immature prick of a kid, you thought candy was dandy but toilet papering and egging a house was a lot more rewarding. The folks who left out a bowl of candy and relied on the honesty of kids to take only one piece got screwed over by your punk-ass. And to top it all off, handfuls of kids went home crying because you stole their candy just because you could. Today you have at least one misdemeanor under your belt, and have never stayed faithful to a significant other.
22-27 Points: The Kid Who Was Too Old
Even when you were of an appropriate age, you had an enthusiasm about Halloween that wasn’t seen amongst other kids. As you got older, you didn’t really know when, or how, to stop trick-or-treating, and you didn’t think it was a big deal. Most parents didn’t like that you still took their mini-Musketeers every October 31st, but no one could deny your passion. Today you have a lot of underage friends, and really don’t think the dorms are that bad!
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