The Black Sheep
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Volume 4, Issue 10 • 4/4/13 - 4/10/13
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farting etiquette 101 Jake Sorensen wrote this
Hey there. Yeah, you in the corner avoiding eye contact with everyone else in the elevator. Why? Why would you unleash that foulness currently wafting beneath everyone’s nasal passages and slowly building to a pungent crescendo? Could you honestly not clench up for a measly five stories before the elevator reaches your floor? It was obvious it’s you. Christ, at least have the dignity to accept responsibility and apologize for your stinky transgression. But you won’t, will you? You’re going to continue to nervously pore over your smartphone before booking it out of this desecrated tomb, leaving everyone else to suffocate on the stale aroma of mustard and day old salami. Awesome. Everybody farts. That most certainly must be accepted despite what the women-folk might have you believe. At this very moment, there are in fact literally millions of people blasting the pants cannon and turning their undergarments into the kind of fuming swamp a wide array of amphibian species could easily call home. However natural tooting may be, like many unpleasant human behaviors (using the rest room, choking, genocide, etc.), it does not give you the right to ignore the protocols in place for avoiding said acts whenever humanly possible. Sadly, there are a disgustingly high number of you here at the U who seem to have never been properly educated in this particular matter. Hopefully this article can help set you straight and your sphincters tight. The first rule in the gentleman’s code of proper gas passing is, whenever possible, do not fart in public places. It doesn’t matter where you are or how discreet you can be. If you are waiting in line outside the Apple Store in New York City with a million other people and the wind is wailing in your ears, ensuring the stank won’t be around long enough to strangle anybody, you still do not let loose until the pressure gauge has breached maximum capacity. You don’t see people walking around shouting racist jokes on the bus or light rail, and if you do you hopefully think those people are obnoxious. Likewise, do your part and don’t offend people with your anal reek. This especially applies to enclosed spaces: elevators, classrooms, tightly packed lecture halls... Just don’t do it. If you must honk your horn amongst the general populace, there are a few situations in which it is acceptable or simply undetectable. Walking across campus, for example; as long as they’re relatively silent, quick sporadic releases are fine. Everyone is in such a hurry to get to class that no one is lingering to notice your deadly secret. Just be wary when crossing
Diary of a Sex Addict’s Roommate
A roommate’s story of survival against the masturbatory antics of a sex addict.
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the Washington Avenue Bridge. That old accordion player has the olfactory senses of a synesthetic bloodhound. If you are stationary or sitting down, it is standard regulation to ensure there is no one within a fifteen-foot radius. The coast must also be clear for the proper dissipation time of sixty seconds. The back of a library or Barnes and Noble would be examples of such acceptable locations. And once you’ve planted the seed of the putrid odor bush, swiftly evacuate the scene in the least conspicuously casual manner possible. Really, the only appropriate place to flatulate is in the comfort of your own apartment. Your roommates have forfeited the
what'’s inside The Eatless Diet
a new, scientifically proven diet for losing that Freshman 15.
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right to judge because your home is your space, and a ruler is free to fill his domain with as much bum-wind as he sees fit. This is a sacred tenant handed down from the first men and was the driving force behind Henry VIII breaking away from the Catholic Church (embarrassed, Pope Clement VII blamed Anne Boleyn to save papal face). Your home is your personal fart tub. Go nuts. Hopefully you can now go forth and regulate your backside activity with presence of mind and courtesy. Sorry ladies. Queefing is still never ok.
An Open Letter To The Social Media Abuser An uncensored harangue to those who ruin social media/ online attention whores.
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contents page 4: Jesus Sees His Shadow
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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600 more years of damnation ahead!
page 4: Top 10: Dumbest Things to Say to a Vegetarian Seriously, about the animals crackers? SERIOUSLY!?
page 5: Stop the Games and Start the Party We explore the subtleties in a woman's behavior and body language.
Table of
page 6: From the streets If you could meet a super hero, who would it be and why?
page 11: Are you smarter than... Carly from Blarney's know what Brick Tamland loves. Do you?
pages 13-14: We're All Going to Die!!! According to all the apocalyptic movies coming out this summer, that is.
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ONLY FOUR UNITS LEFT!
page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Illuminaughty:
A secret society that exists on hundreds of college campuses, they aim to prevent loser freshmen from ever getting laid. “‘If it wasn’t for the Illuminaughty I totally would have slept with a bunch of skanks by now,’ the delusional freshman muttered in disgust.”
Meet The Staff campus manager Luis Guitart
marketing manager Nishad Trivedi
Editorial Manager Liandra Sy
campus director Brendan Bonham
Advertising Manager Eddie Lund, Brandt Tharp
owner Atish Doshi
Writers McKinley Johnson, Katrina Nicholson Alexandra Adams, Becca Marsnik Tim Krueger, Liandra Sy Gabby Vanden Avond
Founders Luis Guitart, Hannah Comer, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers,
distribution manager Eddie Lund
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Dumbest Things to Say to a Vegetarian
Being vegetarian has become a fad lately, especially with the countless sheeple bragging about grazing Bun Mi's all-green pastures. Clearly, being a vegetarian is hard. Omnivores give us all sorts of judgmental beef about it. So next time you have a hot date and decide to surprise her with Raising Cane’s (every girl’s dream), don't let her timid request for a Texas Toast fool you. Be suave and make a good impression by avoiding the following: 10.) “How do you get protein?” Unless you're a doctor or mother, you do not get to ask this question. If your date does not look malnourished or dead, she’s fine. 9.) “So you’re a vegan?” When did the word vegan ever come up? A vegetarian is a vegetarian. And they say that not to play some crazy mind game with you. It’s because they’re actually a vegetarian. Not a vegan.
Jesus Sees His Shadow: 600 More Years of Damnation Ahead tbs staff wrote this As per standard Christian tradition, thousands gathered at what is reported to have been Jesus Christ’s final resting place before being “resurrected” after his crucifixion this Easter weekend. In hopes that the Messiah would emerge from his annual hermitage and not see his shadow on the way out (signifying the complete amnesty and reconciliation of all worldly sin), many cried out in both agony and exasperated frustration when Jesus poked his head out of the tomb, stood idly for five minutes, and returned back to his chambers. The newly appointed Pope Francis estimated that Jesus’ continued seclusion for this year will bring forth approximately 600 more years of eternal damnation. “Our Lord and Savior pulls the same shit every year,” said Robert Heeltop, a Chicago suburban father of two. “I love the man and all, and God strike me down for blaspheming, but every single year I have to tell my sons the same lie about some anthropomorphic rabbit that irresponsibly leaves expired eggs that sit in the house just because Jesus Christ won’t stop bumming around like a lazy-ass.” Several others in the audience expressed an unholy discomfort in possibly having to endure 600 more years of eternal damnation, a number that has been multiplied over 2,000 times since the first Easter in which Jesus decided to play an April Fool’s prank on his disciples by cutting two holes in the Shroud of Turin and acting as a spooky ghost. “Ah, yes, the story of the first Easter,” remarked Pope Francis after he issued out the excuse on Jesus’ behalf that the weather was far too humid to even consider having a proper resurrection. “I believe it’s in one of the hidden texts of the New Testament that states that John was ‘royally pissed off’ when Jesus faked his own resurrection. The story goes on to tell the tale of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John waiting outside of Jesus’ tomb, or ‘The Bitchin’ Palace of Res-Erection’ in Hebrew, ready to ‘kick his grace-giving ass’ for being a spoiled brat of the Father. If you actually read the Bible, this would be second nature for you.” In addition to heading home in disappointment to continue spreading the fallacy of Jesus’ resurrection, biblical scholars at the scene debated on
what the extra years of bonus damnation would take the form of. Most argued that this would merely contribute to the already staggering 1,207,800 years that humans will have to suffer in Hell before gaining entrance into Heaven, or the amount of years it will take before God decides that the Westboro Baptist Church isn’t a funny practical joke anymore. “It’s a pretty big downer, you know, having to get home just to tell your kids that they’re damned for another six centuries,” said Sandy Hitchens, a Utahan mother who was running late to drop off her daughters at soccer. “My 5-year-old started putting tally marks on her wall, and she gets so excited to tell me that she’s got five years down and only 2,995 of irreparable suffering to go. We always make it to church every Sunday, but our pastor always seems down in the dumps as well, often showing up for his sermons reeking of liquor. Last week, he said to us ‘Oh, you wanna see a homily on eternal suffering? I’ve got your homily right here’ before exposing and hysterically screaming about his blue-balled Holy Trinity.”
8.) “Should I not be eating this in front of you?” It’s good that you’re trying to be sensitive, but the situation is a lot more awkward now than if you had obliviously carried on. Nobody will actually tell you to stop eating your chicken. And if your date tells you to stop, she’s a bitch. In that case, you should dump her. 7.) “Do you eat hamburgers?” If you ask this question seriously you should be beaten over the head with a dictionary for evidently forgetting the definition for either “vegetarian” or “hamburger.” If you asked it as a joke you will not be getting a second date. Even if you meant veggie burgers, get a grip. It’s called, “thinking before speaking.” 6.) “I have a friend who’s a vegetarian!” Again, it’s great that you’re trying to be nice, but the only place that this conversation can go is right into the ground. The only real response they could come up with here would be “…cool…” and if you’re lucky maybe a question afterward. But don’t count on that because it would take the focus off of the vegetarian in front of you, which, after all, completely defeats the purpose of being a vegetarian. 5.) “I could never be vegetarian.” Then don’t be one. On a side note, self-defeating statements always make a good first impression. 4.) “I tried that, but I missed bacon too much.” This is similar to the last statement. It’s cool that you’ve tried being a veggie, but as soon as you mention that you missed steak, bacon, or whatever tickles your fancy, you are going to lose the interest of any vegetarian. Believe it or not, they are still vegetarian and likely can’t relate to that. 3.) “You’re missing out!” You’d think that a vegetarian would be aware of what they’re missing due to the fact that they chose to go down the herbivore road. This statement, undoubtedly, will not resonate with them at all, and will result in a judgmental look and (even more likely) an end to your clearly fabulous date. Don’t count on a SnapChat later.
After the barrage of disgruntled Christians dissipated and the Vatican orchestra finished playing Jesus Christ Superstar in its entirety, the snickering Messiah shared a few words with The Black Sheep before retreating back into his tomb to finish up the most recent season of Breaking Bad on Netflix. “I’ll be honest, man, my dad and I haven’t really been on speaking terms for the past few millennia, you know? I’m still kind of bitter about the whole ‘if you love me, you have to die for their sins’ thing that he threw on me at the last second. So, yeah, I didn’t ascend into heaven like my old man wanted me to; I was never much of a righthand man anyway. I’ve just been chilling here and enjoying my time, occasionally calling up the guys to see if they want to hang and play cards, minus Judas because he’s a total dick. I really don’t mind having to come out once a year just to stare at my blatantly apparent shadow for a few minutes.” When asked what his reasoning was behind not seeing his shadow this year, Jesus replied, “Some asshat in the third row thought he’d be clever or whatever by dressing up as Pilate, so I was like ‘Wow, yeah, fuck this.’”
2.) “So you think animals are better than people?“ Vegetarians don’t eat people. What is this, Soylent Green? 1.) “Do you eat animal crackers?” Ding ding ding! Do we have a winner? If you ask this you are either an asshole or an idiot. Survey says... both!
Rebecca Marsnik wrote this
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Diary of a Sex Addict’s Roommate Rebecca Marsnik wrote this Day 97: It’s a new guy. They just got on the bottom bunk. It’s clear what is going to happen; yet the irrational part of me is still hoping for the best. Maybe it will just be light petting or a make-out session. Hopefully something that some earplugs can fix and doesn’t lead to me feeling like I need a seismograph in our room. Nearly a hundred days ago when this all started, even those would have been uncomfortable, but not anymore. It started with a healthy, everyday porn addiction. It wasn’t anything unusual. We’d even watch it together sometimes. It was great roommate bonding. Some people like to get to know their roommate over coffee at The Purple Onion. We got to know each other over Redtube pages, and it was great. But then it started getting weird. She started doing things while she was watching things that most people wouldn’t dream of doing in a shared room, let alone while the other person is there. And she wasn’t being subtle either. This was full on American Pie Russian girl in your bed doing the nasty to herself sort of thing. Only I didn’t want to set up a web cam for this. Unfortunately it didn’t stop there. Turns out her masturbatory antics weren't only confined to the time while she was watching porn. Many a night I woke up to her moans on the bunk below me, yet no man (or woman; I don’t judge) was in the room. In retrospect, if given the choice between her actions back then and what is going on now, I would take her masturbating any day of the week. Then the boys started coming. The first one was quite a shock for me. It was a Friday night, and I was in bed because my booming social life was getting out of hand. Just as I was about to fall asleep, safe from the screams of a nymphomaniac banshee, she came into the room, and I heard a man come with her. This automatically put me on guard, but nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen. I got to hear clothes being peeled off and even the nice latex-y stretch of a condom. They then proceeded to hop on the bottom bunk, and before I knew it the whole bed was shaking worse than the walk bridge next to Wilkins Hall.
Stop the Games and Start the Party Tim Krueger wrote this
If only this was just a one-time or maybe weekend-only occurrence. But no, apparently one sex escapade per weekend is not enough. This happens on weekdays too. And it’s not just once in a while. It’s more like a couple times per week. The worst part of it all is that I can’t leave when it starts, because I don’t want to get off the top bunk and get a face full of sweaty, writhing bodies. I prefer my porn to be strangers or celebrities, thank you very much. When it’s the person you live with the whole excitement gets taken over by complete horror. It’s rough, and kind of porn ruining. Back to the present, it appears as though my hopes have, once again, been crushed. It’s quiet (and still) now, and I’m thinking about trying to get some sleep. The only thing keeping me sane during these encounters is that I post about them on the U of M Confessions page every morning after, and she has no idea. I wouldn’t even mind her sexual exploits if I wasn’t around to experience them with her. There are some things that you just don’t do when your roommate is around.
Men the world over have openly expressed a lack of understanding about female psychology. They often see women as these elusive creatures of mystery who speak in code and act in puzzling ways. They constantly complain about the “games” that women play when they believe to see signs of attraction. In most cases, however, the girl is batting eyes at another guy suavely staring from across the room, hoping that he will ride in to save her from listening to your god-awful bar banter. For the guys who are tired of deflowering every sock in the dresser drawer, read closely as we shed light on the flirtatious and seemingly enigmatic ways of the female.
these things will help you judge whether she is actually enjoying the interaction. If she seems uncomfortable, then back off and ease her worries. Nothing should feel forced or unnatural. Also, it is extremely important that you establish comfort with being physical early on in the interaction. The longer you wait, the creepier and more awkward you’ll become. Plus, it will become much harder for you to develop sexual chemistry between you and the girl if you’re not touching her (duh). Give her a high-five, hug her, dance with her, take her hand and give her a tour of the bar. Do anything that will produce positive energy while establishing a physical rapport.
Knowing when a girl is truly flirting can be an extremely confusing ordeal for guys to go through. First, it’s crucial to know this simple fact: women are very physically expressive. Statistically speaking, about 70% of how girls communicate is nonverbal. The ability to read a woman’s body language is essential in understanding the true meaning of her words and her level of attraction towards you. You also have to know what your relationship is with one another. Are you meeting her for the first time? Is this a girl you’ve known for a few months, or is this a lifelong friend whom you’ve been salivating over since her mosquito bites turned into a pair of supple grapefruits? A soft caress from a girl whom you’ve recently met does not carry the same weight as when given by a long time friend.
Developing a physical relationship with the girl early on is the most helpful way for you to detect whether or not the girl is actually being flirtatious. It cuts to the point and displays your intentions to take the relationship to the bedroom, or maybe the bathroom if you make the right moves and find the right girl. It’s better to be direct with your intentions and get blown out than spending the night aimlessly following the girl and her friends around, not knowing where she stands with you. Hoping that she’ll take you home like a lost stray is not a game you want to play. If she knows what you’re there for and likes what she sees, she’ll be more than happy to let you fondle her lady gifts.
For instance, say you approach a girl while you’re “studying” over cocktails at The Library. How will you know if things are going well and that she’s actually interested? Basic signs of attraction include: eye contact, smiles, enthusiasm, relaxed body posture, and various playful physical interactions. Being mindful of
For the skeptics, girls like it when guys hit on them. They just hate it when a guy has no idea what he’s doing. If she’s not sure as to what your endgame is, why would she let you in on hers? This is why girls play “mind games.” They are testing to see whether you’re a man who knows what he wants, or a boy who’s lost in a candy store. If she knows what you’re all about, the games will cease and the after-party will begin.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
If you could meet a super hero, who would it be and why? “Batman, because I like the dark side.” - Kristen, Freshman
“Spiderman, because he was a dork in high school like I was.” - Mariah, Freshman
“I don’t like superheroes.” - Jennifer, Freshman
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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The Eatless Diet Katrina Nicholson wrote this Over the past few years scientists all over America have researched a new dieting technique that would remove the excruciating requirement of daily exercise. While the obesity rate continues to climb, the need for such a diet has also rapidly increased. For college students, the “Freshman 15” seems like an inevitable plague that must be confronted immediately upon acceptance. After years of inhumanely-conducted research, the secret diet is now unveiled. The Eatless Diet is the new, hip, and simple way to lose that weight quickly without lifting a finger to exercise. The average college student consumes a LOT of calories per day. Well, 3,500 calories above what you output each week equals one pound of weight gain. So basically, if you overeat by 3,500 calories each week for 15 weeks you've successfully gained that pudge you always dreaded. Some people will respond to this by desperately crawling to the nearest treadmill, running for a few minutes, and then stopping as they realize they haven't worked out in years. Others will respond by helplessly eating more food and loading up on the buffet-style carbloaded dining hall food. Whichever response you have, it's okay because it can be curbed. The Eatless Diet can quiet these worries and take you back to that body you had in high school when your parents dictated every meal. The first step in the Eatless Diet is to recognize you have a problem. You may be a compulsive over-eater if you order Domino's at 2:00 a.m. every night because it's covered under your meal plan; or if you get overly excited by the table of desserts offered in the dining hall and find yourself eating 12 cookies in one sitting. The most common problem might be your drunken alter ego who seems to be insatiable at the worst times (remember that family-size bag of Cheetos you woke up next to last weekend?). Whatever the case may be, you need to identify the issue and accept that you must make a change. This will be the hardest step of the process.
that simply requires a person to consume fewer calories than they normally do. This new and innovative technique eliminates any need for cardiovascular activity or intestinal cleansing. And the best part? You can still eat food that you like! Just… less of it. Or you can eat more of the foods you don’t like (veggies need some loving too). It’s that simple!
The second step is quite easy: eat less. Instead of complaining about your pudge and proceeding to drown your sorrows in a tub of brownie batter, resist the urge. When you find yourself going up to the scrambled eggs dish for a round of fifths, just leave the dining hall. When you're completely wasted and that bag of Funyuns seems like the best decision you'll ever make, go to bed. Scientists have discovered a new technique for quick and easy weight loss
The final step in the process is sticking to this new lifestyle. You will be tempted by your old ways. That small overweight man who lives in your subconscious brain will not easily subside. You must learn to quiet him with the promise that you'll fit into those old jeans you can never wear anymore. You won't have to hide behind those baggy clothes that disguise your recentlyacquired love handles. The Eatless Diet is the fastest way to a happier you, and for what price? A little more self-control and a little less food.
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SATURDAY 4/6
Closed
Happy Hour Pricing All Day Long! $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
Happy Hour from 11am - 6:30pm and 10 pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
45 Cent Wings All Day
SUNDAY 4/7
Closed
Big Mug Monday! $3 Lite & Grain Belt, $4 Hand-Crafted, $5 Hop-Head Specialties (10pm - close) $2 Rails & $3 Calls $2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $0.35 Boneless Buffalo Wings: 4pm - 12am (w/ beverage purchase)
Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
2-4-1's All Day EVERYDAY, EVERYTHING 1/2 Price Burgers
MONDAY 4/8
Closed
2 for Tuesday! 10pm - Close Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm FREE Taco Bar: 4pm - 6pm 1/2 Price Appetizers: 4pm - 6pm
Happy Hour from 3 -63:0pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm
TUESDAY 4/9
Legendary wild wednesdays: college id night FREE Cocktail Hour! 11pm - 12am Power Hour 10pm - 11pm: $2 Rails, Select Drafts and Bottles | $3 U-Call-It: 11pm Close: Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close
Happy Hour from 3 -6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Karaoke from 10-Close
$1 Tacos 3pm-close
WEDNESDAY 4/10
Catch all the games at johnny tequilas!
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! All You Care to Drink (8-Close) $6 Domestic Drafts, $10 Domestic Drafts and Rail drinks, Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM
$4 House Margaritas - any flavor! $2 Rail Drinks , $3 Any Pint $4 Any BIG Draft
(excluding Chimay, Matilda & Big Eddy)
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks!
2 for Thursday! 10pm - Close 2 for 1 Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
$2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm
page 10
theblacksheeponline.com
An Open Letter to the Social Media Abuser Alexandra Adams wrote this Hey there, it’s us regular college kids here. We’re the ones who go to class frequently (but not always), remember to call our moms (but not always), and eat our roommates’ food (… always). Outside our busy schedules of being normal, we enjoy a good tweet here and there. We even love a little Facebook fun. And Instagram isn’t all bad… ish. What we don’t love is your TWELVE THOUSAND PICTURES and constant tweet updates. Let’s start with the Instagramer-spammer. So you may not be trying to sell people things, yet you still fill our feeds with post after post of idiocy. All of your moronic posts are completely, totally, absolutely not interesting. In fact, we just took a poll of every person on the U of MN campus (which was extensive… there’s 50,000 of us), and exactly 0.001% cared about your last 100 pictures. And that .001% was only the guy who dug your shameless titty shots. He must not know Internet porn is a thing. Poor sap. Anyway, this whole “obsessive com-POSTER disorder” doesn’t only apply to Instagram. Unfortunately our generation has many mediums with which to annoy the living Jesus out of us (and from what we’ve been up to all semester, we kind of need all the Jesus we can get). Our next offender is the good old serial tweet artist. Alright Tweety McJackoff, listen up. Whether you’re a girl constantly tweeting about boys or a boy constantly tweeting about girls, you’re all the worst human beings alive. No one is interested in how much you bench pressed today or what you think of The Bachelor. What many are interested in is you falling off a tall, tall building. Though surely you’ll find time to tweet on the way down. Sorry, but no one wants to see another twit-pic of your “abs” or a gif of Megan Fox or Ryan Gosling. Okay, maybe we wouldn’t mind the gif. BUT, that does not justify your whiny posts or con-
stant updates. So you just got dumped, so you’re on the toilet, so you just threw up for the eighth time tonight, SO WHAT? Tell it to a shrink or, failing that, some food. Seriously. Everybody would unfollow you right this minute if you didn’t favorite his or her tweets all the time. Hey! Don’t judge. That’s good for the ego. Speaking of egos, we have yet to get to the monster of ALL egos: the Facebook Flooder. Before we had the good sense to unfriend you, our newsfeed was 33% everyone else and 104% you. Do those numbers add up? Perhaps not, but lots of things make no sense. For instance, why Facebook allows you to have an account. People don’t want to see any of the four pathetic selfies you take on a daily basis. We’re thoroughly disinterested in the “relationship” you just got out of -- and into -- in the last twelve minutes. Also, nobody cares what your nails look like right now. Or any other day, as you seem to change them at least seven times a week. What’s truly incredible about this whole situation is all of the illegal shit you post yourself doing. Not sure if you’re aware of this dude, but… you’re 18, and your profile clearly states that. Every PBR, Smirnoff bottle, and margarita you’re holding is proof that you are a certified dumbass. Not for drinking – this is college. What are we supposed to do? Learn? No. What makes you a dumbass is putting clear, HD imagery of you breaking the law on a website that 1,000 of your “friends” (and Aunt Fran) can see. Plus, weed, while wonderful, is illegal for everybody in Minnesota. Do not go about taking photographs of you holding a dime bag with a thumbs-up. Firstly, no one has made a thumbsup since 1999. Secondly, YOU ARE A MORON. Don’t ruin pot for your peers. College is a stressful time and kids busting their ass deserve a hit or two. What they don’t deserve is your stupid incriminating pictures. Everyone is honestly tempted to
turn those babies in, but nobody around here is a narc (another thing no one has said since 1998). The point is, whether you’re filling our Facebooks, Twitters, or Instagrams with your nonsense, you are basically the antichrist. You’re ruining the everyday outlets for the occasional thought or snippet of news. We just want to use social media to be… social. You want to use it to dump all of your insecurities somewhere. If you just post occasionally, like a normal person, you’ll have more friends in real life. Plus, if you find some people who actually like you, you won’t have to be such an internet-dick all the time. So get off the screen, you social media abuser you. Take a step outside and take it all in… without tweeting about it.
now hiring! P.S. That bright yellow thing is the sun.
Why wouldn't you want to work somewhere with unlimited koozies and a "pants are optional" policy?
Marketing, Sales, Promotions, Writing, Groupies, & More!
apply online at theblacksheeponline.com
page 11
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
are you smarter than? carly from blarney's
1) Cars: This part of the car allows a car to switch gears. _______________________________________________
6) Colors: What is the complementary color to purple? _______________________________________________
2) Dogs: Lassie was this type of dog. _______________________________________________
7) Math: If a car traveling 25mph rear-ends a car traveling 20mph, what is the speed of the impact?
3) Politics: The Fuhrer is most commonly cited as the head office of this defunct political group.
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
8) Geography: London is located on what river? _______________________________________________
4) The Human Body: The tarsus is a cluster of bones located in this human appendage. _______________________________________________
9) Holidays: What holiday is celebrated on the Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox?
5) Movies: In Anchorman, what does Brick Tamland love? _______________________________________________
_______________________________________________
1) Transmission) 2) Collie/Rough Collie 3) Nazis 4) Foot 5) Lamp 6) Yellow 7) 5mph 8) Thames 9) Easter 10) Kentucky Wildcats
correct answers
10) Sports: Who won the 2012 NCAA Men's Basketball Championship? _______________________________________________
the drinking game: go drunken fish
carly's answers 1) Transmission 2) Collie 3) Nazis 4) Hand 5) Lamp
6) Yellow 7) 5mph 8) The London River 9) Easter 10) Florida State
carly's score: 7/10 correct
recipe for disaster:
mom’s homemade wasted pizza
While some people love drinking games, others would rather get trashed without having to play by the rules for twenty minutes. Instead of painfully re-explaining the rules for Irish Poker or Circle of Death to all your drunk and dumb partygoers, stick with a game so simple even the most intoxicated drinker can understand.
You have no clue how to really cook. Though your mother has made you countless homemade meals over the years, you still think preheating an oven means getting to it before other male ovens start trying to plow it. This recipe’s both easy and delicious; you can’t go wrong with a big-ass pizza.
What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and some obnoxiously fruity vodka. Number of Players: Four to six players. Level of Intoxication: When done right, by the end you will have forgotten how to play.
What You’ll Need: Two packs of crescent roll dough, a jar of tomato sauce, a massive amount of different types of cheeses, and any pizza toppings you desire (sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, pineapples, garlic, etc.) Cook Time: About 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: Pizza is a vegetable now, so you’re fine. Let’s Get Baked: - Press the crescent roll dough on the bottom of a pizza pan, stretching out as far as it’ll go. - Bake the dough for about eight minutes on recommended baking heat (probably 400 degrees). - Take the pan out of oven and lower the oven temperature to 200 degrees. - Spread the tomato sauce over the dough. - Load on that cheese until you think you have more than enough. Then add more. - Add your momma’s favorite toppings to the pie and throw it in the oven again until the cheese melts. - Serve your mother the homemade pizza with a smile and a kiss.
How to Play - Give each player a shot glass and keep the bottle of vodka in the middle of the table. - Take one shot before the game begins. - Pass out five cards to each player and place the remaining cards in the middle, face down. - The point of the game is to get as many matches as possible, just like regular Go Fish. After each player looks at their cards and sets aside their matches, the game begins! - If a player is only left with one card after pairing up their matches they may take two more cards from the middle. - The dealer starts the game by asking another player for a card (“Mary, do you have a 5?”) The player must surrender the card the dealer asks for and take half a shot. - If the player does not have the card they must shout, “Fuck you, fish!” The dealer must take a half shot and a card from the middle. - The process is repeated for every player until everyone uses up his or her cards. The Game Ends When: All the cards are used up. Count up your matches to see who has the most.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
When you’re done with this, be sure to take a pic for posterity. Just wait until the sun’s up before sending it to dear ole’ mom.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
l l a e r ’ e W
! ! ! e i d o t g n goi A Tale re to rewrite e w s n e k ic D nd s.” If e end of time ion with the e s s th e s s a b w o r it u , s o e d of tim m, an e as the worst political syste e sure to mak w ’r e it y iv , e s is th e iv d m r; e ti a f m y, o est olog is sum e. “It was the b bitchin’ techn big screen th e te o th n g n ’d ti les, in no tim e k h it , h ic 3 P s 1 ie r. 0 v 2 D o t, in m a s t c h ie se eig ur dead of Two Cit s? Look at the e sky with yo u th e v in e li r e ie b rr ’t a c n kitty of days. Do uinn ving in the ol' li e b l 'l rendan and Q u B o y y b k n in e tt th ri u o W y
Oblivion - April 29th What it’s About: In the distant future, mankind has evacuated Earth after a devastating inter-galactic war with a race known as the Scavs. When Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) investigates a fallen spacecraft and its sexy lady pilot on a routine mission to now-devastated Earth, he discovers that humans are still living there. What Oblivion is Saying About Us: “Even if we prevail against super-alien species in the future, it doesn’t mean we can prevail against ourselves.” Why it’s Bullshit: Everyone knows humans are merely entrapments for the immortal, spiritual thetan. And everyone knows that thetans have innumerable past lives and arrived on Earth thousands of years ago to hole up in human bodies. So if Earth is destroyed, the thetans would just leave these physical bodies behind and move on to another world. Unless, of course, the thetan inside Tom Cruise is reliving an experience it had prior to its existence on Earth. Then it all makes sense.
Rapturepalooza May 10th, (Limited) What it’s About: The rapture is unleashed upon earth with a hilarious twist in that the animals talk and the Antichrist (Craig Robinson), is a foul-mouthed party animal. It’s up to two teens to lock the Antichrist up, and save humanity from being sucked into the netherworld. What Rapturepalooza is Saying About Us: “Yo humanity is turning into a bunch of atheist heathens, but like, what if that Bible shit came true LOL?” Why it’s Bullshit: If the rapture is going to be anything like the Bible says it’s going to be, God, or gods, or the Devil, Antichrist, Gilbert Gottfried, or the Four Horsemen are going to rain death upon everyone in one fell swoop. Birds aren’t going to crack jokes and
shit on your car, and the Antichrist isn’t going to hang around and shoot the shit with the locals. No pair of awkward teens are going to team up with the Big Man to lock the Antichrist up, and all of humanity will die a horrible death… except the Christians. Or the Mormons. Or the Phelps family. Or the… well, you get the idea.
Star Trek Into Darkness - May 15th
Epic - May 24th What it’s About: Mary Catherine lives in a lush forest with her father, a professor who studies a group of warriors protecting the forest against evil. One day her father doesn’t come back, and upon going out to find him she finds herself among a group of glowing, falling leaves. After grabbing one she immediately shrinks and encounters the group of warriors her father studied. She is then forced to assist in their war against forces of evil known as the Boggans, while trying to return home.
What it’s About: After being called back home, the crew of the Enterprise finds a seemingly unstoppable force has left the Earth in chaos. Kirk and his crew are tasked with leading a deadly manhunt to capture the party responsible.
What Epic is Saying About Us: “To be saved from the threat of mankind, Mother Nature has to fight."
What Star Trek Into Darkness is Saying About Us: “Humanity is destined to destroy itself from within.” Why it’s Bullshit: We’re still here, aren’t we? With over 17,000 nuclear weapons in the world today, if some state power megalomaniac was deadset on ending it all, he’d just do it. Thing is, mankind is all about self-preservation, and without another habitable planet to
ship off to, dude’s just as fucked as the rest of us. Even if some shitbird did get ahold of a bomb, he could make part of the world uninhabitable, but there’s plenty of room to live in northern Canada, even if no one really wants to while away time there.
Why it’s Bullshit: Epic assumes that humans have seen nature circling the toilet bowl and just said “Well, we’ve already done this much damage, so...whatever. Let’s hurry up and get this over with.” No. Humanity recognizes the damage we’ve done. As a result we’ve targeted the behaviors and methods that cause such destruction and worked diligently to slow them down, hoping to reverse them. Think of how far we’ve come in just the last ten years with fuel efficiency and alternative energies, and think of where we’ll be in another ten years. Yes we’ve got a ways to go, but implying that it’s too late – that the world is on the verge of environmental catastrophe – is just silly.
After earth - June 7th What it’s About: After a cataclysmic event humans are forced to evacuate Earth. Mother Gaia reverts to a primal state full of lush forests and new nasty baddies that have evolved to kill humans. When Cypher Raige (Will Smith) and his son (Jaden Smith) return 1,000 years later, they find this out the hard way. What After Earth is Saying About Us: “Humanity is the real parasite on this wretched rock!” Why it’s Bullshit: 65 million years ago. 200 million years ago. 250 million years ago. 360 million years ago. 440 million years ago. These are all major extinction events that have occurred on our own planet; shit got fucked up on the oft long before we put emission regulations on the table. That depressing sack of lard who drives three blocks to buy a frozen burrito isn’t helping things, but he’ll be dead in five years. We really need to be worried about whoever keeps lobbing space rocks at us from the Oort Cloud; we’ve had our eye on you, Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Pacific rim JUly 12th
Why it’s Bullshit: It’s like Hollywood producers haven’t heard of vaccinations. The Spanish Flu epidemic in 1918 killed 50 million to 100 million people.
What it’s About: Earth is overcome by a pandemic that sees most of the world’s population turned into zombies. United Nations employee Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) is enlisted in saving what remains of mankind. What World War Z is Saying About Us: “Even at the height of our society we can’t escape our basest needs.” Why it’s Bullshit: Of course we can. The majority of modern civilization (read: non-crunchy hippies) no longer live in trees. Sure, maybe evolution over millions of years doesn’t count, but every single popular modern-day religion has
basic tenents that are all, “Be cool to everyone else, man.” If we couldn’t defy our core instincts we wouldn’t donate that almost-spoiled can of beans to the homeless shelter, we’d eat that shit up. Shit, man’s driving force is survival of his genes by any means necessary, and only lacrosse players find rape an acceptable form of sex these days.
Elysium - August 9th What it’s About: In the year 2159 two classes of people exist: the very wealthy who live on a pristine man-made space station called Elysium, and the rest, who live on an overpopulated, ruined Earth. One unlikely hero hopes to bridge the gap between the two.
What it’s About: Enormous monsters arise from a crevice in the Pacific Ocean, killing millions of people and threatening humanity. To combat them, mankind builds enormous robots driven by men tasked with stopping the threat. What Pacific Rim is Saying About Us: “Against an unforeseen and relentless foe, no technology can save man.”
World war z June 21st
That was 1-3% of the Earth’s population at the time. Fast forward 90 years, the world’s population has tripled, but the 2009 Swine Flu outbreak has killed 16,000 unlucky souls. Hypodermic needles with fluid injections may not be as sexy as stories-tall robots, but they’re just as good at kicking ass.
What Elysium is Saying About Us: “The meek shall inherit the Earth (except it’ll be real shitty because the rich people be rich peopl’n).” Why it’s Bullshit: Though modern living standards are better than ever for firstworld nations, each day it gets harder and harder for a poor person to engender change. Back in the day of pointy sharp metal sticks, all an unhappy peas-
ant had to do was poke the king, then the dude would get head lice and die in six hours. Modern medicine is basically the video game troll of modern society: Nice leg shot, newb. Poor people ain’t gonna fix shit.
page 14
theblacksheeponline.com
can you find all 20 sheep?
the wordsearch: 1960s Celebrities Bob Dylan
Kurt Vonnegut
John Lennon
Mickey Mantle
Johnny Cash
Alfred Hitchcock
Bob Marley
Brigitte Bardot
Jim Morrison
Marilyn Monroe
Julie Andrews
Miles Davis
Marlon Brando
Mick Jagger
Woody Allen
Jimi Hendrix
Jane Fonda
Janis Joplin
Sylvia Plath
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