Minnesota - Issue 10 - 10/30/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

F Hal ree! Li low ke T een oot ... t sie R hey o suc lls aft k, a er mir ite?

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 10

A Clown Stole My Date:

An Experience from The Soap Factory Annie Cameron wrote this

Halloween is the spookiest time of year. College kids are always looking to get scared in the fall and when waiting for midterm grades to come out isn’t cutting it, they turn to the scariest place for miles: The Soap Factory’s Haunted Basement. Located on the burial grounds of VH1’s Top 20 Pranks of the 50’s Countdown, the haunted basement is truly frightening. University of Minnesota students go in herds to this ghoulish spot. One student, James Olson, decided to take a date there. “Okay, so there was this girl who I really liked in my oceanography class named Sarah Johansson. She’s so cool. She watches the Spike Channel and Ridiculousness so like she’s one of the bros, but with boobs. She’s kinda like my bro Greg before he went on the Jenny Craig diet. He had huge man-tits. But man-tits are still tits, you feel?” Hanson reported. After talking about Greg’s tits for another three-and-a-half minutes, Hanson asked our reporter “What was the question again?” and proceeded to explain that he learned Sarah Johansson loves Halloween so he asked her on a romantic date to The Soap Factory. Hanson thought it would be the perfect date. He said he usually takes his dates for romantic dinners to Mesa for some sensual Mac and Cheese ‘za, but this girl was different. What better place to make a move than a haunted basement? He promptly picked up his date from her

apartment in FloCo on October 24th at 7 p.m. “When we eventually got to The Soap Factory, things were really heating up between us!” said Olson. “Things were not heating up,” contradicted Johansson. “But then we got into the basement and it was NOT a sexy vibe. It was straight up creepy. Someone should’ve warned me,” Olson said. “I warned him,” Johansson reported. They first encountered a woman sitting in a corner singing a lullaby, a man dragging an axe on the ground, and finally a clown. A terrifying clown. The clown was dancing around the basement with the grace of a ballerina and the face of that acid trip in which you just Googled pictures of Gollum. Olson ran immediately. “I did not run!” Olson lied, “I totally just like laughed! Yeah! Like, I wasn’t even scared at all. A clown? How cliché! I def saw it coming! Nope. Not scared.”

dance.

Other guests at The Soap Factory said the loudest screams were not from the actors playing crazy people, but from Olson himself. He was reportedly running around screaming, “I wanna go home. I missed a weekly fraternity party for this.” It was then that the clown walked up to Johansson and took her by the hand to

“I guess most people would’ve been scared of the clown because he was soaking wet from an unidentified substance, but I thought he was kinda hot; like in a creepy-but-alluring carnie kinda way. He got me soaking wet with an unidentified substance, if you know what I mean... fake blood. He poured fake blood

on me. But James was a terrible date so I was like ‘fuck it.’ I’m dancing with the clown,” Johansson said. After seeing Johansson dancing with the clown, Olson ran away. He said it was because he was so mad his date left him, but other guests said that it was definitely because he was being chased by a man the size of King Kong carrying

an axe. “Yeah, I got the clown’s number,” concluded Johansson, “we’re gonna go to Mesa on Saturday. Mesa is a REAL date.” If you’re looking for a good fright, visit The Soap Factory. If you’re looking for a good bite, visit Mesa. But if you’re looking for both, go with a clown to Mesa.

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PAGES 12-13

SHADE TO OFFER SEASONAL PUMPKIN SPICE CONDOMS

TOP 10: DRUNK FOOD RESTAURANTS AT UMN

THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: JIMMY PARDO

WE ALREADY CAN’T WAIT FOR THE HOT COCOA FLAVOR COME WINTER.

IF IT’S 1 A.M. AND YOU NEED SOME GREASY FOOD, LOOK TO ONE OF THESE 10 PLACES.

OUR CHAT WITH THE “COMIC’S COMIC.”

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Mackenzie Harding

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

EDITORIAL MANAGER Megan Felz

OWNER Atish Doshi

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Aaron Grossman Charlie Glynn

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Cora Neisen, Lily Noonan Aron Wolde, Annie Cameron SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Hannah Botsford

QUESTIONS info@theblacksheeponline.com ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

THE MAN OF THE VESTS

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Just wait until you see my Halloween costume.”

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

QWERKEE A descriptor of anything intentionally misspelled.

Pam thought it would be qwerkee to end all her emails with “hugz n kizzez.” It was annoying.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

A native of Milan, Italy.

Founder of Royal Treatment, a high-end grooming line for pets.

Is a prince.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_UMN

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

SHADE to Offer Seasonal Pumpkin Spice Condoms

SHADE, the Sexual Health Awareness and Disease Education group, has been giving free condoms to young men and women for years in order to cultivate sexual health at the U. However, recently SHADE has seen a decline in student participation and protection and an increase in STIs and unplanned pregnancies. After weeks of surveying and consulting with a local PR firm, SHADE found that their message was clear but not “hip.”

Aron Wolde wrote this

“People were having sex and for whatever reason they weren’t automatically thinking of condoms when confronted with naked partners,” said Heather Cook, a SHADE representative. “We needed a way to get condoms back into the forefront of people’s minds and that meant we needed to make them associate condoms with something more than just sex.” So the question became “What’s sexier than sex?” SHADE answered that question with two words: pumpkin spice. Pumpkin spice has been constantly celebrated as the greatest part of fall. Peer surveys indicate people have stopped thinking of fall as the season when leaves change and school begins; but rather, the season when pumpkin spice foodstuffs become available and socially acceptable. “It just hit us smack dab on the face. I mean every restaurant, café, and supermarket is jam-packed with pumpkin spice foods. Why not condoms?” Cook later said that it was the inspiration of seeing pumpkin spice products shoved down consumers’ throats that first inspired her with the idea. “Pumpkin spice condoms are now a hit. Everyone loves the fall sensation. And condom use is actually up!” For now SHADE suggests students use contraception regardless of flavoring. In order to advertise to students SHADE has been opening taste-testing booths during football games. With the taste testing booths and SHADE’s new slogan “Pump with Pumpkin!” campus wide

use of the pumpkin spice condoms has sky rocketed. Students all over campus have now been opting for the seasonal contraception. The popularity of the pumpkin spice condom has led SHADE to develop even more fallthemed flavors. Cook explained that they are currently developing Thanksgiving Turkey and Cranberry Deluxe flavored condoms. They hope that they too will be a big hit for men and women all across campus. They also plan expanding the premise to other holidays and seasons. “As soon as winter starts we’ll put Warming Hot Cocoa and Peppermint Explosion on the market. Then in the spring we debut our Peeps and Jelly Bean flavored condoms.” Even though students have shown a genuine interest in the festive condoms, many activists have serious problems. Abstinence protestors and chefs have converged on campus in disgust of the new condoms. Abstinence protestors believe the flavors will entice young people to procreate while chefs hate the fact that the condoms are changing the definition of “eating out.” Alissa McNeilson, head of the Minneapolis Abstinence Squad, said that she and her friends hate the work being done by SHADE. “They just went and ruined fall for everyone. The worst part is that it’s purposefully aimed at young girls. I saw my daughter drinking a Pumpkin Spice Latte just yesterday. If she likes that what will she try next? Honestly, pumpkin spice condoms? You know what smells like hell now? Pumpkin spice, it smells like pumpkin spice now. What’s next, vanilla-scented sodomy?” Afterward we told McNeilson that there was vanilla-flavored lubricant for sodomy and she proceeded to faint in a religious fit. Regardless of protestors or supporters pumpkin spice concoctions are here to stay. And no matter which way you feel about them, chances are they’re going in your mouth.

AROUND CAMPUS

THE TOP TEN

Drunk Food restaurants at umn Towards the end of every night out, there comes a time that you finish up whatever grimy dancing you’re doing in the basement of some house party and decide to make the trek home. You’re stumbling through Dinky, arm-in-arm with your friends, and wandering into a restaurant to get what is usually the best food you’ve eaten in weeks. The Black Sheep has compiled the best 10 places for when it’s 1 a.m. and you just really need some goddamn greasy food.

Campus Connector Route Change Big Biscuit wrote this The Campus Connector is an oasis of awkward social interaction, bus-induced frustration, and unintentional sexual encounters. “I feel like I’m giving someone a lap-dance for the sole purpose of getting to St. Paul,” student Tiffany Kim expresses her concerns. “I hate it when ten buses come except yours! It’s like that episode of SpongeBob where the bus never comes,” says medieval studies major Lucas Gaylor. The overcrowded and frequently late state of the bus system is apparent to any UMN student who uses campus transportation. But just when the midterm stress begins to subside, the U announces yet another pointless adjustment. The bus system is changing. Again. With a combination of different disgruntling factors, the U has been forced to confuse 50,000 inhabitants yet again. And it’s guaranteed to be the scheduling nightmare you didn’t ask for. Downsized Buses: All of the standard-sized Campus Connector buses are currently being refurbished by a group of CDes students who are repainting the exterior of the buses. This means that for the next two months, there will be no normal-sized Campus Connectors. That’s right, short buses only. If you thought the Bridge Circulator was obscenely congested, get ready to never have personal space on a bus again. These buses also only have one door, so if you were impatient waiting for bussers to get off of the connector before, you might want to invest in some walking shoes. New Routes: The Campus Connector route is also changing. Because of the extremely rare, but real danger of people being hit by the Light Rail, campus safety concerns are now deciding that no buses should drive on Washington anymore. Instead, all Campus Connectors will take a big loop around the central street. This will definitely add extra travel time and make students chronically late to class and work. But at least students will be able to reduce their chances of death by Light Rail.

10.) McDonald’s: Their variety is as diverse as your wardrobe when its 30 degrees in the morning and 60 in the afternoon, so you’re sure to find something to satisfy your cravings. Not to mention the people-watching scene is prime. We’re talking about people who are minutes away from spewing the McNugs they just inhaled to people so toked that they replied “potato” in answer to how they will be paying for their meal. 9.) Insomnia Cookies: Though the store might be small, it packs a mega-punch when you’re drunk and cold. These warm cookies fall apart in your mouth and they even taste better than Grandma’s, though most people haven’t eaten Grandma’s cookies at 1 a.m. wasted as can be. We’re as confident that these cookies are as bomb-diggity as you were that time you drunkenly sang “Miss Independent” during karaoke night.

Constant Music: Whether you’re barely awake on the Connector for your 8 a.m. or dying to get back home on a 10 p.m. bus after your night class, you better get used to hearing some tunes on the commute. The speakers in the bus accidentally got irreversibly set to the loudest setting possible, but that’s no reasons for bus drivers to stop crankin’ their tunes. Some of the music that the bus drivers love to play include “Rick Astley’s Greatest Hits of All Time” and Hilary Duff’s new album on repeat.

8.) Shuang Cheng: This food is fantastic sober, so drunk it’s even better. If you’re feeling particularly organized, call and place your order when you’re leaving the party and pick it up on your way home. Then once you’re home, take off your pants, and drunkenly indulge in some tasty lo mein.

Built-in Bus Driver Breaks: “We understand that the bus drivers have a lot more to take on with busier, more confusing routes. So, we want to make things easier for them,” explains Carl Wilson, the Administrative Director of UMN Parking and Transportation Services. This means that bus drivers now have a 2-hour break built into their schedule, so the bus driver can take a lunch or bathroom break at any time during their route, even if they aren’t at a designated bus stop.

5.) Qdoba: Nothing like getting super plastered and then eating a burrito the size of your head. It’s amazing how much more food you can fit in your stomach when intoxicated. You thought the day-after drunk shits were bad, just wait until you’ve scarfed down 1,000 calories at 1 a.m. Totally worth it though, 10/10 would recommend.

But the UMN Administration stresses that students should embrace some positive outcomes of the new bus route. “It brings students closer together, literally,” says Wilson. “Oftentimes students find it difficult to meet people at a big university and feel alone. What better way to get close to people than standing in a confined area on the bus?” Wilson is encouraging students to welcome the even-more-invasive, involuntary bus dry hump. “Now that we’re cutting down on transportation, we can put our money towards other things. Like statues,” Wilson continues, excitedly. Recent additions have been the hallmark Goldy Statue and the unarguably phallic looking piece of modern art outside of Folwell. Transportation Services has not decided if any of these changes will be permanent and they are subject to change at any time. But at least you’ve been warned. These changes aren’t favorable, but at least you have an excuse to cuddle up with strangers once the weather gets colder.

7.) Jimmy John’s: With several sub shops in close proximity, this was a difficult call. We went with Jimmy John’s simply because of their delivery services. Sometimes you just end up taking eight shots in your apartment, drunkenly watching MythBusters all night and just need food to be brought right to you. No shame. Never any shame. 6.) Annie’s: Who doesn’t love a really greasy burger and malt when they’re shwasty-wasted? Wait, who doesn’t love a greasy burger and malt all the time? Need we say more?

4.) Wally’s: We know a Jewish dude who eats at this extremely pro-Palestine restaurant weekly because it’s just too delicious to pass up, just like a light-up bow tie. If that doesn’t sell it, we don’t know what will. 3.) Burrito Loco: The great thing about BLoco is that you can eat and drink there. Nachos with a pitcher of beer? Yes, please. To hell with getting drunk and then eating, how about just eating and drinking all night long. 2.) China Express: Some may call this the shy cousin of Shuang, but we would say that it’s the sluttier sibling of the bigger Chinese restaurant down the block. Fast, easy, and down to go home with anyone. Perfect for when you don’t know if you can make it another 20 minutes and want something fast and doused in oil. 1.) Mesa Pizza: The list just wouldn’t be complete without it. If you go to the U and you’ve never eaten the Mac n Cheese pizza drunk, we would just like to ask what the hell are you even doing with your time here? Cora Neisen wrote this

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS Where’s the most inappropriate place you’ve ever been naked?

ARIEL, JUNIOR “A public pool.”

ALEX, SENIOR “A hot tub.”

MITCHELL, SENIOR “The beach.”

HALLOWEEN 2014

Staff wrote this

You’ve been to a couple Halloween parties this year, and things have been great. That Despicable Me minion outfit showed the world how a large amount of creativity and a small amount of clothes can make you the center of attention at any Halloween event. You’ve experienced many hauntings, hayrides, and horse cops, but now it’s week two of Halloween and your ideas for themed attire are growing thin. We know the “classic” cat costume is tempting, but don’t rush to any clichéd, uninspired decisions just yet. Here’s The Black Sheep’s criteria on whether or not a cat costume is what you’re looking for as apparel in the coming Halloween weekends. Would you describe yourself as a cat person?: If you really love cats, then this costume may be for you. It may show the world that you’re adorable and soft, but at the same time cunning and perfectly willing to stab your closest friends in the back if they step on your tail. Everyone understands your affinity for your cute companion, and nobody’s accusing you of being a crazy cat lady just yet. Are you being just a cat, and not someone like the Cat in the Hat?: Think of all the famous cats out there that you could be with just a few more materials: the Cat in the Hat, Garfield, Puss in Boots. Hell, even Professor McGonagall fits into this category. Before you settle on the generic ears and tail, remember that you’ve passed up on

representing some of the most prominent pussies of the age. Are you really, one hundred percent, completely out of costume ideas?: Everyone is expecting the people who are too lazy to come up with something on their own to show up to the party dressed as a cat. Are you satisfied with being that person? If you’re really going to follow through with this, you have to really commit. You’ll have to spend the night eating Meow Mix and drinking milk—or the blood of your enemies. If you don’t think you can live up to the feline name, try another easy classic costume, like a ghost, a cowgirl, or Hillary Clinton. A manly pantsuit and a fierce haircut is all you need. Boys may possibly hit on a slutty secretary. No man, however, can resist a sexy ex-Secretary of State. Are you a catty bitch?: You’ve committed to your part, so you’re going to have to fit your personality to the costume. Cats are known for being solitary, temperamental, and self-absorbed. A devious and ruthless personality will broadcast to your peers that your black cat costume is perfectly fitting, and that bad luck will befall them if they think otherwise. Will this costume involve cat ears?: A cat costume’s success is directly proportional to the amount of clothes not worn with it. You’ve already

discarded your hopes of preserving your self-image by dressing as a cat, so don’t stress too much if you’re not sure about wearing just a bandeau and a short skirt with cat ears. An ideal college Halloween cat costume would be black lingerie and cat ears without the cat ears. Just something to consider.

If you can confidently answer yes to all of these questions, then you’re prepared to dress as a feline night prowler. Unoriginality aside, you truly are an independent soul, and your costume choice reflects it well.

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Should You Be A Cat For Halloween? A Basic Guide

NOW LEASING FOR 2014 & 2015!

Call 612.379.6082 to schedule an appointment or visit TheRailApts.com

THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour Mon-Sat 3-8pm 2 for 1 on “Almost” Anything $1 OFF Appetizers LATE NIGHT Happy Hour Fri-Sat 8pm10PM: $3 Calls, Wells and Any Tap, $4 Vodka Red Bulls

Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!

SATURDAY! Cabooze & Manifest Presents: Wookiefoot Halloween Special Guests: Cas Haley, New Reb, Tubby Love

TUESDAY! Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Thursday 10/30

8pm-Close: All-U-Care-2-Drink with a College or Military ID $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O-Bombs, $3 UV Vodka

Karaoke Thursdays! Free Shot When You Sing Karaoke $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 U-Call-It Shots

Cabooze Presents: Halloween Metal Mania Featuring White Empress w/ Special Guests Cwn Annwn, Plague of Stars, From Light Rose the Angels & Splitdriven Doors 8:00 PM, Music 8:30 PM, Age 18+ Advance $10, Door $10 ON SALE!

Half price bottles of wine starting at 5pm Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Friday 10/31

8pm-Close: $4 Three Olives Vodka $5 Three Olives Flavored Long Islands, $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

Saturday 11/1

8pm-Close: $4 Bacardi $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Sunday 11/2

Open ONLY for Vikings & Special Events $3 Wells and Domestic Taps $4 Calls, Micro/Import Taps

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Monday 11/3

Mason Jar Monday (8pm-Close) $3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double UV Vodka & Rails $5 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud or Bud Light Towers.

Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Tuesday 11/4

8pm - Close: $3 U-Call It’s Rails, Calls and Every Beer on Tap

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Wednesday 11/5

8pm-Close: $0.25 Wings with College or Military ID, or purchase of a $8 AUCD wristband. ($.50 without) $8 AUC2D Miller Lite Tap, Wells, Bacardi Oakheart, $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall Boys”

Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM; 2-4-1 drinks: 4 PM-close; Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

$2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Birthday Karaoke Night!

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints

Cabooze & Manifest Presents: Wookiefoot Halloween Special Guests: Kinetix & Dead Larry

Doors 8:00 PM, Music 8:30 PM, Age 18+ Advance $14, Door $18, $25 Weekend Pass

Cabooze & Manifest Presents: Wookiefoot Halloween Special Guests: Cas Haley, New Reb, Tubby Love

Doors 8:00 PM, Music 8:30 PM, Age 18+ Advance $14, Door $18, $25 Weekend Pass

Happy Hour 3-6pm

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

THE BAR GRID WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to All Ladies

SUNDAY! Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! $10 Fishbowls

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

SPECIAL NIGHT

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan 9 & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight

Thursday 10/30

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles 7pm-Close

Friday 10/31

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

Saturday 11/1

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close

Sunday 11/2

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

Monday 11/3

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Trivia Tuesday w/ Tim (8-Close): $3 Domestic Taps, $4 Craft & Import Taps Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm - Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

Tuesday 11/4

WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to All Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

Karaoke 9-Close w/ $3 Summit Taps Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, 43 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

Wednesday 11/5

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ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 4 ou

1) Brand Slogans: What fast food chain’s current slogan is, “Now that’s better”? 2) TV: Joe and Teresa Giudice of this show’s fame will soon be heading to jail on bankruptcy and conspiracy charges. 3) Nicknames: Who is known as the “Bard of Avon”? 4) Famous Firsts: What was the first state admitted to The Union? 5) The Internet: Online articles formatted like, “5 _____ You Didn’t Know About _____” or “10 _____ About _____” are colloquially known as these.

MELISSA, STAND-UP COMIC

THE DRINKING GAME

6) Charity: “No Shave November” is a yearly attempt to raise awareness of and elicit donations towards fighting what disease? 7) Measurements: In the metric system, what unit of length is just below centimeter? 8) Science: What branch of physics deals with physical phenomena on a nanoscopic scale? 9) Famous Quotes: Who famously uttered, “I am not a crook.”? 10) Movies: The Nightmare Before Christmas and Frankenweenie are two examples of this animation technique.

Melissa’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Arby’s 2) The Desperate Housewives 3) Walt Disney 4) Delaware 5) Listicles 6) Testicular cancer 7) Millimeter 8) Nano physics 9) Jimmy Carter 10) Stop Motion

1) Wendy’s 2) The Real Housewives of New Jersey 3) William Shakespeare 4) Delaware 5) Listicles 6) Prostate cancer 7) Millimeter 8) Quantum physics 9) Richard Nixon 10) Claymation

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

TRICK OR TREAT

CANDY SOUP

Alright, we know you’re not 5-years-old anymore, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want all the candy your lazy ass can possibly gather. It’s a rarity that Halloween falls on a Friday and that means you’ll be extra-blasted this year, so let’s put that inebriation to good use, shall we?

It’s that time of year again. Now that you’ve already gone trick or treating and have all that candy, it’s time to do something with it. You could try and get creative, but it’s always best to play it safe: go with the same game plan you’ve had since you were 4 years old. Mix it all together in a bowl and eat until you want to puke.

What You’ll Need: A 30 rack of your favorite beer, the biggest bag you can find (we like to go with one of the garbage variety), a damn strong sweet tooth. Number of Players: Just you, sugar tooth. Level of Intoxication: Enough to forget you’re 21 years old.

What You’ll Need: A bag full of candy, a large bowl, Tylenol for your stomach. Fatty Factor: Don’t even look at the scale tomorrow morning.

How to play: - In preparation for this, you’re going to need to brush your teeth for two straight days beforehand. Yeah, you’ll need to skip class and work for this. It’s a commitment. - Finish off that 30 rack as quickly as possible. Yes, after a while it turns into more work than play, but who says the sweetest things in life come easy? - Grab the biggest bag you can find and hit the town, leaving all your friends at your Halloween party behind in the name of food. - .First, you’ll need to sweep through campus. You may not get as many prepared households at student-inhabited apartments, but you can always just push them aside and grab whatever you can from their cabinets. - Next, you’ll need to exit campus and hit up the residential areas. Yes, the townies may be a little freaked out by a 21-year-old in a cheerleading costume (that’s probably all you’ll be able to find the night before) begging for candy. The Game Ends When: You manage to gather at least three pounds of candy to the two black eyes you’ll receive raiding some bro’s apartment on campus.

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Let’s Get Baked: - Gather all the candy you’ve earned throughout the night and bring it to the kitchen. - Open up every piece of candy you got tonight and put them all in the bowl. - Roll with us here: Stir the candy with a gigantic spoon. - Now that you have a proper variety of candy to choose from, dig your hand in for a sweet surprise . - Keep shoving fistfuls of sugar down your throat until you physically can’t handle anymore. Be careful you don’t eat too much that you have to puke everything back up into the bowl. But if you do, just shrug and remember, this sweet, sweet meal only comes once a year.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

TBS: So how did you get into stand-up and what drove you to pursue comedy? Jimmy: I started in the late 80s, the comedy boom was humongous, especially around Chicago. Every bar had comedy nights in addition to around a dozen comedy clubs at the time, so I was getting on stage two, three times a night driving all over the city to get some stage time. What drove me to pursue comedy was growing up in the South Side of Chicago and south suburbs. It’s a very sports-based city, not that I’m against sports but I wasn’t very good at them and I didn’t fit in with that scene. I had a sense of humor and I would use it to either impress the girls or get out of fights and I found my own groove of people. And you end up being friends with those types of people and you eventually find your way in life, and you either end up going to college and being a professional in something, or you end up being a clown like me. TBS: You still continue to do stand-up, but in 2006 you decided to start your podcast Never Not Funny, one of the first well-known comics to do so. What made you stop and think that would be something that you’d want to do? Jimmy: I think I was one of the first comics that had a following that started a podcast, and it really came out of the gentleman that’s now my cohost and producer, Matt Belknap, who was just a fan of mine. He would come and see me do shows at the UCB Theater here in LA. He was doing a very dry podcast where he would interview comedians about the craft, which was really great, but after he did the interview with me he said “Hey, I think I’d have more fun producing your podcast,” and I had no idea what that meant. I had listened to Ricky Gervais, his was hot at the time and it was the only other one that I knew of. I was between TV gigs and I thought “you know what, I don’t know what this is and I don’t wanna be the guy that’s left behind on it, so I’m gonna be the first of my group to do it.” And so we started in March of 2006 and here we are. TBS: You have the Pardcast-a-Thon coming up on November 28th, which for our readers that don’t know is a 12-hour live podcast featuring a rotating guest list that has raised over half a million dollars for Smile Train, a charity that provides corrective surgery for children with cleft lips and palates. What brought you to partner with Smile Train and what was the idea that sparked the 12-hour podcast? Jimmy: There’s a show regular by the name of Pat Francis and he came on as a guest one time and thought it would be funny if we had an auction to raise money for Smile Train. It was on the back of Parade magazine, and just coincidentally he brought it up and I said, “jeez, I just gave to them yesterday” and so I said let’s do it. So, we did an auction that whoever raised the most money got to be a guest on Never Not Funny. In 2008, and in 2009 we were toying around with what we could do next that would be neat and unique. I always grew up loving the Jerry Louis Labor Day Telethon. It’d go for 24 hours and you don’t know who’s gonna show up at 3:30 in the morning, everybody gets loopy tired but it’s a lot of fun and raises a ton of money. So we thought who could we do it for and we thought Smile Train made sense. So we just sent them a check after the first year, I think it was just 6,000 bucks, which is still a lot of money considering we were just this small, little podcast. So after a couple of years we ended up partnering with them and last year we raised $144,000. So in as little as five years, the awareness has grown, it’s been good for Smile Train, it’s been good for us, and it’s been a hell of a lot of fun too. TBS: Do you have any fundraising goals for this year? And do you have any idea who the guests will be? In the past you’ve had some great guests such as Amy Poehler, Zach Galifianakis, and Jon Hamm. Jimmy: I always like to say that the goal is to beat last year’s amount and $144,000 is a lot of money. But our audience has grown so it’s conceivable that we’ll make more. But any money for Smile Train is a win. And we’ve just started casting and putting out offers, but the show regulars are gonna be there. Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins, Janet Varney, and of course Matt Belknap and Pat Francis will be there the entire 12 hours. And we’ve reached out to the people we don’t necessarily know to bring in some star factor.

TBS: Going back to your live comedy, how has the podcast affected how you’ve approached standup? Jimmy: I’ve always been pretty improvisational on stage, talking stream of consciousness off the top of my head, and finding the funny, but when you’re a good comic that nobody knows you have to get on the stage and convince people that you’re funny. There’s a room of people that didn’t know who I was and just saw my name on a flier. For reasons I’ll never understand, people go to a comedy club with the mindset of “these guys better be funny,” which is the weirdest thing. If you’re gonna go there, why not just trust that it’s gonna be a good show? It’s always a weird adversarial relationship with the audience and the comedian. So, it went from spending the first three minutes on stage convincing people that they’re in good hands and it’s gonna be a good show, to now because of the podcast there’s this fan base that comes out to support. I went from maybe a few people in the audience knowing who I am to every show being full of podcast fans. I know that they’re on my side and I can make them laugh, plus attendance is better and people are coming to see me and not just to see comedy, which is great. And the shows are better because I run my mouth an hour and a half every week on my podcast, so I trust that I’m going to find the funny and for the most part the audience stays with it. TBS: You also open for Conan O’Brien, how has that experience been and how did you get that job? Jimmy: I started with them day one at The Tonight Show when they moved from New York to L.A., and I’d never met Conan or anyone on the staff. I knew a couple of the writers but none of the higher-ups. And I knew Andy Richter a little bit from doing some shows with him at The UCB, but it would’ve been presumptuous to say I was a friend of Andy’s at the time. When they were moving out to L.A., they wanted somebody to open the shows and legend has it that Andy Richter said “the guy that can do an hour off the top of his head and has the same sensibilities as this show is Jimmy Pardo.” So they called me in for an interview. I didn’t want the job. I didn’t want to be a warm-up act, that’s not why I moved to L.A., but I thought, “you know what, it’s The Tonight Show, it’s Conan O’Brien, I’ve gotta at least take that meeting.” I went to the meeting, and within minutes I was like “I’ve gotta take this job.” They told me that I didn’t have to throw out t-shirts or candy, I’ve just gotta go out there and do comedy, and then I’m done. So I met Conan, Mike Sweeney the head writer, Jeff Ross the executive producer, the stage manager Steve Hollander, and they all told me that I was the guy. I had never felt that wanted before in show business, so I took the job and I’ve been there for 5 years and it’s been great. Being around all those amazingly funny people every day, I never once bitch that I have to go to work. First I’m about to go do comedy for a living, and in addition I get to work with these hilarious people.

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the HALLOWEEN COSTUME madlib I always feel so intimidated by Halloween costumes. You want to look ___1___ without being too ___2___. You want to be ___3___ without being too ___4___, while maintaining the grace of ___5___. You want to be creative without looking like someone living in ___6___ aka like a hobo… maybe I’ll be a hobo?… Anyway, I’m also not trying to spend an arm and a leg on my costume; after all, I need to be able to afford ___7___to pre-game with and ___8___ to enjoy after the party. So I headed to the local thrift store, and ___9___ works there so I’d get an extra discount. But nothing was really working for me. I saw something that could resemble a ___10___, but it had poop stains on it (or was that peanut butter?). There was a shiny dress so I could’ve been a disco-girl (is that a thing?) but every time I take ___11___ I always - always - end up ___12___ in the middle of ___13___and then going home with ___14___ which is so freshman year of me. Everything else I tried on was too small (I blame ___15___) or just not right for my very unique personality. So I took the bus to the over-priced Halloween store. Naturally, it was hot as a ___16___-employee in a sauna, and even smellier. The place was trashed and local high schoolers were pocketing ___17___ glitter faster than I could decipher the difference between ___18___ ears. While I perused expensive, skanky ___19___ outfits, I saw___20___ and started having a panic attack. So I instantly left and called a cab home. Ugh, I’ll just get drunk and go as a ghost.

1) Adjective 2) Different adjective 3) Slutty celebrity 4) Sluttier celebrity 5) Respected celebrity 6) Artsy dorm 7) Liquor 8) Late-night food 9) Your hipster friend 10) Animal 11) Party drug 12) Type of dance 13) Local dance bar 14) Person you lost your virginity to 15) Local pizza place 16) Fast food place 17) Color 18) Animal 19) Stereotypical Halloween costume 20) Person from #14

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