Minnesota - Issue 11 - 11/13/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

f lat ree... te i lik n L e th ind e f Hal org l S t ot t en arbucks .

Vol. 5, Issue 11

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

11/14/13 - 11/20/13

Freshman Skips Class

Begins Journey to Hell BY: Mathew Kennedy On Monday, November 4, 2013, University of Minnesota freshman Grant Daly skipped his eight o’clock Spanish class with a hankering for Doritos Locos tacos. Daly recalls the event with such demoralizing calamity, as if he has already fallen into possession to the Devil’s merciless wrath. “I was up late the night before, so I didn’t get enough sleep,” Daly said, “I kept getting texts from this one girl. She didn’t say it directly, but she totally wanted to get it on while doing some Call of Duty role play. Needless to say, reviewing last week’s quiz was obviously not at the top of my list.” Daly’s roommate, Zachary Bartlett, fears he knows what his roommate was doing at such late hours. “I think he was either playing some serious CoD or smelling Sharpies.” The Call of Duty franchise has been known for the incredible amount of violence and has been factored into a sexual fantasy or two. The brutal murders performed in the game and the heavy machinery used have brainwashed the millions who play it into believing that violence is a standard part of society today. It’s only a matter of time before the game starts the next World War, or a massive orgy. And it seems to have found a victim in Daly. It would appear as though the college

life has changed Daly. Daly, who was a straight-B student at his high school in St. Cloud, has slowly descended down a dark path forged by Satan himself. “I honestly didn’t think it was that big of a deal when I did it,” Daly smirked, “I mean, I slept for an extra hour or two and the teacher sent the class the PowerPoint along with a cat sleeping in a cereal bowl. And then I got multiple Call of Duty-themed shenanigans in. Then headed down to eat my toaster waffles for breakfast while drenched in glitter from the previous night’s activities. You know. Normal stuff.” Alone, such an act isn’t so frightening, but the casual manner in which Daly performs such acts is what’s displeasing. Daly’s mother, a Catholic stay-athome mother, fainted when she heard the news. “I don’t understand how this happened,” Laura Daly sobbed, “I gave him a rosary for his graduation present. I packed plenty of sage in his bags. I got the local priest to come check on his circumcision. Why would the demons of today’s world affect my own son?” And it seems that the demons haven’t finished their task. Daly boasts of doing things that, even though he doesn’t know it, will send him down an even darker path. “I might skip class next week. We have

a quiz in my calculus class, but it’s only worth ten points and the professor smells like rotten cantaloupe. I can easily make it up during the midterm. Not to mention, I will probably be hungover and smell like an old shoe that morning.”

Authorities have been stationed outside Daly’s residence, Centennial Hall, in order to monitor his behavior and find out where he gets those killer Velcro shoes everyone has been eyeing. Now, only

time will tell what will happen to Daly. But, one thing is certain. If he continues to pull stunts like this, it’s only a matter of time before we see him doing Satan’s apocalyptic bidding.

page 4

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How to Keep Up With Cultural Snobs

top 10 things to do with pennies

an open letter to Starbursts

Break from your collegiate Philistine ways with this how-to guide.

creative ways to repurpose the most useless currency.

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UMN • theblacksheeponline.com

a gripping letter about a student’s candy-decayed trust.

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Dominear To manipulate or control men and women in close proximity to you.

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How To Keep Up With

Cultural Snobs By: Cora Neisen

We all know those people. They’re those people who go to non-profit art museums located in abandoned railroad cars in their free time, or go to concerts for bands called “Steamy Orgasm” and “Locked Tin Can,” Regardless of what they do, they usually never fail to make you feel like a piece of shit for eating McDonalds while watching five hours of Duck Dynasty. Have no fear, The Black Sheep has some suggestions for the trendiest, hip, and culturally relevant events in the Twin Cities, so you can rub it in their faces that you too saw a spoken word performance about an ant that is looking for its mother in the big city. As we began our search, one performance in particular caught our attention. At a small theater in Minneapolis, a semi-naked aspiring harmonica player performs a dramatic reading of various ghost stories. What says “I am not a cultural caveman!” more than paying to listen to naked people read about ghosts who are self-conscious about their lack of bodies? This activity is sure to boost you to membership in the cultural elite— otherwise known as a group of people who spend money to sit in a beanbag chair that smells like your grandpa’s closet. If you want to prove that you don’t always like drinking Milwaukee’s Best in your underwear while playing the new Grand Theft Auto, then this experience is sure to elevate your cultural relevance. At a small record shop in Northeast, an event titled “My Record, My Potentially Compromising Story” is taking place. Inspired by the local haiku writer Brit Dream Catcher, this event is an exchange of emotions, talents, passions, and burnt popcorn. Each person is to bring their favorite vinyl record and soul search while meditating on a yoga mat made out of rice from Nepal. This will be followed by a traditional performance of Tibetan windpipes with performers wearing nothing but a TMNT bandana. Our last event is sure to be an unforgettable experience. Located in an abandoned gas station near the Wabasha Street Caves, this restaurant is a dream come true if you enjoy mystery meat and women with excess moles. It’s so authentic that you need to serve your own wine via the retro gas pumps. Using only the light of your complimentary Zippo lighter to light the entire restaurant, the atmosphere has a mysterious and intriguing vibe, accompanied by a fire hazard undertone. We sampled many of the traditional Croatian foods, and the ones with the most questionable of textures were our favorites. Finish the night off with some swanky swing dancing at the Wabasha Street Caves because dirty dancing and rubbing your ass on someone’s junk all night is a practice strictly for the culturally inferior humans of the world.

These activities are surely going to enable you to have intellectual conversations with people who place far too much value on owning original copies of every single one of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s books. Just know that The Black Sheep sees nothing wrong with playing beer pong in your apartment for three days straight while listening to 2 Chainz, if that’s your jam. After all, we’re in college and ‘tis the time for experimenting; whether it be with haikus or hangovers.

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The

Top

Ten

Practical Uses for Pennies By: Alexandra Adams

The penny is dying. Just like hipsterism and Weeds, pennies just aren’t good anymore. Hell, it costs more to make a penny than a penny is worth . Point being, everyone and their granddad uses cards today and those who don’t just toss their pennies anywhere: the sad, beat up “take a penny, leave a penny” tray, in the garbage, or at all those poorly-groomed Dinkytown hobos. The Black Sheep has some much better ways to dispose of those little Lincolns. 10.) Settle your parking tickets: What better way to stick it to the man than with twenty-five bucks in pennies. Sticking almost 5,000 loose pennies is going to make Minneapolis Traffic Control rue the day they unfairly ticketed your double-parked hunk of junk. C’mon, the park job wasn’t even that illegal. 9.) Build Shit: Bring out the inner Ron Swanson or Bob the Builder in you. Except not with real wood or traditional building materials; you could hurt your pretty, little, overeducated face. But, pennies and super glue? That sounds like a recipe for fun!

Gophers to Build 100,000 Seat Stadium in Place of TCF Bank Stadium By: David Zirinsky MINNEAPOLIS – UMN football head coach Jerry Kill announced late Tuesday evening that the Minnesota Golden Gophers would be getting a new stadium in time for the 2016 football season. “We took a page from the boys in the big leagues, and contrary to popular belief, we’re talking about the Minnesota Vikings,” added coach Kill. With the Vikings getting a new stadium the Gophers thought, “Well heck, what are we doing with only a 50,000 seat stadium?” Even though the current stadium is only four years old, Kill made a valid point when he said, “you wouldn’t use the same phone, or eat a box of Cap’n Crunch that’s four years old, why use the same stadium?” The new stadium is set to seat 100,000 and will host expensive amenities that will go unnoticed by pretty much anyone who sets foot in the stadium. Coach Kill explained the new seating capacity by mentioning, “We don’t have that big of a following right now, but if we build it they will come.” Amid concerns about how the stadium would be financed, President Kaler said, “We’ll be funding this in the traditional American fashion: taxes. It’s basically social suicide if taxpayers don’t contribute their fair share to build our completely unnecessary enterprise.” When asked why tax money should be used to fund stadiums Kaler responded, “What else would we use tax money for?” Just as the Vikings received $498 million from the state, the Gophers deserve at least that, or at least $498 million worth of Play-Doh to sell to people to pay for such a valuable commodity. One anonymous source from the campus administration said, “Many people think that universities are about educating bright young minds, initiating groundbreaking research, or contributing to society. That’s not the world we live in! On the contrary, universities are about making sure inordinate amounts of people watch a few 300-pound hairy men throw around the pigskin.” Biomedical Engineering professor Thomas Nelson said, “Really, sports are everything about a university.

Football is as sacred to a university as a cheap box of wine is to an alcoholic. I’m glad that Coach Kill is the highest paid faculty member at the university. Throwing a ball around is fundamental to who we are. It triumphs in comparison to the small things we could do, like develop an HIV vaccine.” Many students on campus are excited about the new stadium. When asked how he felt about the tuition hike, communications junior Joseph Stalin (no relation) replied, “Honestly, I think it’s worth it for the new stadium. After all, when I go out into the big world beyond our sheltered campus, no one will care about my major. They’ll obviously just care about my school’s football program.” Students seemed not to care about the extra $3,000 a year increase in tuition and the permanent $150 a year stadium fee (an amount that would pay for half a text book).

8.) Create a scandalous dress: This one is for you sexy ladies. Glitz, glam, gams; you’ll have it all! Just because all the starlets wear dresses bedazzled with stuff that’s worth real money doesn’t mean you have to. A teeny dress of pennies is the way to go. Who ever said “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend” obviously hasn’t met Mr. Lincoln. 7.) Cover your wall in them: How clever and fancy will you look now? You could even get creative and arrange them in a gradient or by date. It’ll be like you’re on ‘effing HGTV or some shit. 6.) Shove them under the doors of your least favorite humans: That dude across the street has been putting off some bad vibes, and we’re not talking about the Axe body spray he firmly believes is a bath. All you know is that kid deserves something fierce. Why not confuse/annoy the crap out of him with a million pennies under the door? Plus, maybe he’ll slip on them and turn into a more decent human being. 5.) Melt the copper into something useful: Like a paperweight, or a cell phone case, or a dildo. Wait, no, that sounds painful. There may not be that much copper in pennies anymore, but why not give it a go? Maybe you could make some new wires for your crappy speaker system? 4.) Pay back your dick friend: This guy bought you one sandwich one week ago. Well, maybe 3. But, he sure didn’t need to text and Facebook and SnapChat you every day about it. This guy deserves 1,000 pennies to the face.

“I’m in Carlson so I’m going to be a CEO someday, who cares if I pay an extra $12,000 for school? I’m guaranteed to make a million dollars every year because I’m in Carlson,” added finance major Justin Kiselberg. Beyond the university, many are excited for the new stadium. Samantha Krugmen of New Ulm, MN was quoted saying, “I may be starving on minimum wage but I know that extra taxes are important. I hope that they pull money away from public transportation, social welfare programs, and education to build more and more stadiums. These contribute so much to society.” Small business owners across the state seemed almost unanimous in their approval of using public money to finance private enterprise.“ In any other business in America you are required to pay for your own business expenses, but suddenly when there is a ball being passed around a field the tax dollars roll in,” said small business owner Mark Kowalski. While the Minnesota legislature has yet to approve the new funds, dysfunctional legislatures have a tendency for compromising to overfund sports stadiums. “This is a bipartisan issue we can all agree on” said state senator Tom Paul (D) of St. Paul.

3.) Make all of your remaining life decisions: “Should I get married?” “Is it okay to sleep with my professor?”“Should I become a traveling mime with a drinking problem?” These and more are questions the penny can answer for you. 2.) Turn “quarters” into “pennies”: If the point of the game is getting drunk, you might as well turn up the difficulty. Plus, if you get drunk and lose the pennies, it’s irrelevant. If you lose quarters, you may never be able to wash laundry or play in that underground poker tournament. 1.) Get a billion wishes: Because we’re all too far in debt for it to matter anyway. All we can do is drink and wish away our problems. Hey, it worked for Miley Cyrus.

Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets This Thanksgiving what do you want to be stuffed with? r Misha, Senio

“Nasal congestion.”

Joe, Senior

“Insert great patriotic speech about freedom, justice, and the American way.”

m o re Jake, Sopho

“Monster mash.”

An Open Letter ® to Starburst : You’re the Reason I Can’t Trust Anymore By: Heather Berglund

Dear Starbursts, I just have one question: Why? I’ve spent my entire life faithfully enjoying Starbursts, happily trading them in the underground Halloween candy-trading ring that prepares children to become drug dealers. When things in my life were falling apart (Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey breaking up, Lindsay Lohan’s career going south, Everybody Loves Raymond ending) and I wasn’t sure of anything, I could always count on one thing: Starbursts would always be Starbursts. Pink would always be by far the best and greatest. Yellow would always be picked last, like that one kid at recess who breathed from his mouth but then became a millionaire after dropping out of college. Until today. My day was shitty. It was that time of the year when Minnesota weather decides to turn on us like a rabid dog. The rain was falling and it looked like I had just entered a wet t-shirt contest. Water in your cleavage is undoubtedly the second worst feeling in the world, right after drinking warm beer. After plopping into my horrible lecture seat that was still omitting mysterious warmth, my friend turned to me with a smile and offered a handful of Starbursts. She said it was her rejected Halloween loot, but after the day I’d been having, it was my miracle. Not even the boring hour and fifteen minute lecture ahead of me could bring me down now. Learning about dairy and cow udders was great and everything, but today I didn’t care too much about learning the ins-and-outs of it all. The water in my cleavage seemed to evaporate as I unwrapped the yellow Starburst. I always ate yellow first, saving my reds and pinks for last. They would be a good chaser for the lackluster taste of the yellows and oranges. Everything was good. Everything was great, as I unwrapped my

yellow Starburst and tossed it into my mouth. But then, to my horror, my taste buds discovered it was not a sub-par lemon flavor – it was piña colada. Gasp! Thus began a downward spiral that would change me and my ability to make friendship bracelets forever. I spit out the horrible creation and, with a scream that seemed to rupture the time space continuum, ran out of the lecture hall. And that lecture marked the last moment I trusted anything, ever. I called my boyfriend and broke up with him. “I’m sorry, but I just don’t know what to do anymore,” I sobbed into the receiver. “There was one thing in this world that I knew for sure, and it’s gone.” I don’t remember what he said after calling me a crazy bitch. Everything’s a blur. But I knew it was over for me. I couldn’t love anything ever again. I ended up dropping out of school because who can trust those professors with their elbow patches and pipe tobacco? Who knew if Pythagoras really made up that theorem? Did Aristotle really exist? Every time I went to the grocery store and saw Starbursts, I would have flashbacks and curl up in the fetal position and not be able to continue shopping. My therapist diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Trust Disorder. It’s now been three weeks since “the incident” and I haven’t left the house. My mother does all my grocery shopping, but I’m starting to wonder if I can even trust her. If something as constant in my life as Starbursts would let me down, who’s to say my mother wouldn’t do the same? I don’t know where to go in this crazy world where lemon is piña colada, up is down, down is up, and vodka is water. It can all be traced back to those damn Starburst. So, Starbursts, I am writing to beg you to stay true to your original flavors, to never change. You were my all, my everything, and if I can’t trust you, what can I trust? Sincerely yours, Former Starburst Lover

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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

THE GOOSE IS LOOSE ALL NOVEMBER LONG! $1 OFF GREY GOOSE DRINKS $4 14OZ GOOSE ISLAND 312 $5 20OZ GOOSE ISLAND 312

SATURDAY: 9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

MONDAY: Flippin’ Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close

Thursday 11/14

COLLEGE THURSDAYS 8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers $1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco

9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.

Friday 11/15

8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm - Close $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Saturday 11/16

8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)

9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Sunday 11/17

Closed on Sundays

10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

Monday 11/18

Mason Jar Monday 8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Light Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers

8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99

Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close

Tuesday 11/19

8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)

8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots

Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints

Wednesday 11/20

8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys

8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s

Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)

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WEDNESDAY: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies

FOAM PARTY FRIDAY! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! 18+ ALL WEEKEND!

WED: No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight

SPECIAL NIGHT

1/2 Price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

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Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)

Thursday 11/14

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

FOAM PARTY FRIDAY! 18+ Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am La Femme: 8pm - 1am Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Friday 11/15

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open! 18+ ALL WEEKEND!

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)

Saturday 11/16

No Cover! Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close $4 Miller Lite Tall Boys during every Minnesota Pro Baseball game

Sunday 11/17

Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps

Service Industry Night! Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Show pay-stub from your bar or Come experience the 90s in it’s full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs club and get free cover!

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new! Free buffet starts at halftime of Monday Night Football!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)

Monday 11/18

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)

Tuesday 11/19

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight

Wednesday 11/20

Amateur Night: Watch your sexy $2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm coeds on stage for the first time Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: compete for $200! $2 Select Beers & Drinks Contest Starts at 11:30pm 1/2 Price Select Apps Open to all Ladies

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Professor Cyber Bullied Out of Minnesota By: Sam Caravette Stating that such actions are “shocking” and are a “first-time occurrence for the University of Minnesota,” university officials confirmed that a 20-year-old female student has been cyber bullying a male professor in an unnamed department, causing the professor to drop his tenure and leave the university. While the scandal is still currently under investigation, the university has released many of the details surrounding the events prior to his departure.

“I had to give her a C,” stated Dover defiantly. “Her ‘orals’ were mediocre at best, and the climaxes were too standard. She didn’t put out ‘A’ material.”

According to the victim, who would prefer to protect his identity under his Skype username, “Ben Dover,” the student in question had attended his office hours in order to study for an upcoming exam.

According to sources, Konswallow initiated her vicious cyber attacks on the website Formspring.me. An “anonymous’” account began asking vulgar questions on Dover’s profile. Such questions ranged from, “Does your wife know you have a micropenis?” to “Do you cry every time you ejaculate?” Eventually, the attacks escalated off the website.

“It all began innocently enough,” whimpered Professor Dover as he fidgeted in the dark confines of his room. “She was doing well on all the in-class material, but her exam grades were plummeting. I thought I was just doing my job … until she seduced me.” Sources indicate the female student, who will be referred to under her Skype username name “Layla Konswallow,” began pursuing Dover in an attempt to raise her grade through physical strategies, rather than mental preparation. According to the police report, Konswallow entered Dover’s office around 11 p.m. on January 30, 2013, wearing nothing but a skimpy nurse costume. Konswallow reportedly stated, “There’s only one type of D I want in this class,” before sending the professor to the floor in a sexual rage. Their affair lasted for the remainder of the semester during Dover’s “special” office hours at his Knoxville home, until the final grades were posted online. That’s when her sexual games took a turn into full-on harassment.

After checking her grades online, Konswallow was reportedly sent into a crazed frenzy. After all, she had turned down several booty calls a week just to ensure she was in prime condition for her continued affair with her scholarly lover.

“She began posting about what a ‘whore’ I was on my Koofers profile and giving me low ratings on Ratemyprofessors.com,” said Dover, adding that Konswallow’s ratings have caused him to lose his chili pepper on the popular website. “She anonymously sent emails out to the class listserv saying the only reason I got my PhD is because I sucked off the PhD committee and my supervisor. It’s just awful.” Friends and family of the professor have encouraged him to simply turn off his computer and ignore her hurtful comments, but Dover seems to be consumed by the torment. Sources confirmed that soon after the cyber bullying became a daily occurrence, Dover was sent into a spiral of self destruction ranging from burning himself to taking up bulimia in order to cope with the internet assaults. Dover’s actions soon became apparent to his students, as he was often

late to lecture and was no longer a stickler about required reading. “He just didn’t seem to care about anything anymore,” replied sophomore, Jenny Beckler. “I knew something was wrong as soon as he rolled up his tweed blazer, revealing his wrists. I pretended like I didn’t see, but I just knew.” University officials were first notified of the professor’s mental breakdown after he appeared in his 9 a.m. lecture wearing nothing but a teddy and some lipstick on his forehead that spelled “SLUT.” Dover was taken to Boynton for psychiatric evaluation but was diagnosed with mono, or possibly strep throat. The embarrassment of the entire situation caused Dover to drop his tenure and relocate to Walden University, where he is now a janitor. No development on the implications in store for Konswallow, although investigators are curious as to how mediocre her oral skills really are.

m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e G GAMES Th IN K IN R D | PECIALS | BAR S ARTICLES

Are You Smarter

Jonathan

from

Burrito Loco

Drinking Game

than?

1) Thanksgiving: The Mayflower landed in what current U.S. state?

6) War: In what war were tanks first used?

2) Baseball: Who was crowned the World Series MVP after the Boston Red Sox won the 2013 World Series?

7) Technology: On the Snapchat app, what are the minimum and maximum seconds one can see a picture?

3) Video Games: What franchise recently released a new installment, X & Y?

8) Water: At what temperature Celsius does water boil?

4) Animal Anatomy: How many claws does the common housecat have?

9) Tools: The sharp edges of a saw are called what?

5) Cartoons: What 1960s cartoon featured characters Mr. Spacely and Rosie?

10) Music: How many strings are there on a double bass?

Jonathan’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Rhode Island 2) Mark McGuire 3) Pokemon 4) 20 5) The Jetsons 6) World War I 7) One and ten 8) 100 9) Teeth 10) Four

1) Massachusetts 2) David Ortiz 3) Pokemon 4) 18 5) The Jetsons 6) World War I 7) One and ten 8) 100 9) Teeth 10) Four

Jonathan’s Score: 7 out of 10

Recipe for disaster

Canoe Race

Brownout-of-Your-Ass Burrito

A throwback to the high school garage party days. The Canoe Race is a quick game of a 2-person flip cup and pong hybrid that will get you belching and buzzing in no time flat.

This is one of those meals that you wouldn’t eat unless you were somewhat inebriated. Okay … very inebriated. This burrito will satisfy all your needs when you return to your apartment without a slampiece, and fall back on eating to make up for your lack of game. And it saves you money not having to buy it at Chipotle.

What You’ll Need: 16 red cups, 2 ping pong balls, a table and beers. Number of Players: 4 players Level of Intoxication: You’ll get a lot in ya pretty fast. How to Play: - Split up into two teams of two and stand on opposite sides of the table, each team having one ping pong ball. - Set up four cups in front of each person, Bozo Buckets-style. - Pour beer into each cup, about a quarter of the way up. - When you’re ready, the first people with the ping pong balls try to shoot across their table into their partner’s cups. - If you make a cup, your partner has to chug the beer in the cup and flip it onto the table. - Once your partner completes this, they shoot the ball back across the table to your cups. When they make it, you do the same—chug the beer, flip the cup and keep shooting. - There are no pauses in this game, so don’t wait for the other team to shoot or anything like that. The only time you have to wait before shooting is while your teammate is flipping their cup. They have to have that completed first before taking their turn. The Game Ends When: All of your team’s cups have been flipped!

download our free app for all the games!

What You’ll Need: An oven, a microwave, Easy Mac, pizza rolls, a tortilla, Tabasco sauce, chopped lettuce, hot peppers and any other toppings of your choice. Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: You’ll poop it out. No big deal. Let’s Get Baked: - Put the pizza rolls in the oven and let them cook for 15 minutes. - When the pizza rolls are done cooking, take them out of the oven. While they’re cooling off, put the Easy Mac in the microwave for 3 minutes. - Once the pizza rolls have cooled off, wrap them up in the tortilla. - Pour the Easy Mac on top of the pizza rolls. - Drizzle Tabasco sauce over everything, as much or as little as you want. - Put the lettuce and hot peppers on top, along with any other garnishes that strike your fancy (shredded cheese, anyone?). - Roll it up burrito-style and chow down. Mmm, tastes even better when it comes back out.

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com 11

The Black Sheep Interviews:

Heaven’s Basement

By: Heather Berglund Every die-hard music fan knows how the United Kingdom churns out some of the greatest bands in history. The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Who, Radiohead, Coldplay, Queen; you name the band; they’re probably from the UK (or one of the cooler parts of the United States, like Appalachia). Heaven’s Basement is also from the UK! Signed by Red Bull Records, Heaven’s Basement features lead singer Aaron Buchanan, lead guitarist Sid Glover, drummer Chris Rivers, and bassist Rob “Bones” Ellershaw, and they’re no exception to this rule. Heaven’s Basement brings back the joyful days of classic rock and is something you and your father (who still swears by vinyl) could enjoy together. The Black Sheep: Let’s start out with an icebreaker. What’s your favorite mixed drink? Aaron Buchanan: Frankly, when we’re on the road and stuff, I don’t drink that much. But when I’m at home, and I’m really going to be an idiot, I’ll drink mojitos. That’s my kind of vice. Besides that, it’s Foster’s beer, and whatever else is behind the bar to be honest, I’m a bit of a mess. TBS: Whatever’s available, basically? AB: Yeah… whatever’s cheap is more to the point. TBS: So, how did Heaven’s Basement come to be? AB: Heaven’s Basement started out of the ashes of various other bands that sort of diminished in 2008. Sid and Rivers sort of built this band together with the members of the band prior, and there were various line-up changes…people left, came, whatever. In 2010 Rob joined as the bassist and I joined as the vocalist in 2011. And that’s pretty much been it. There was a release with an old singer before I joined. There was an EP about eight months or so into when I joined Heaven’s Basement, then off the back of that we did our first ever UK tour and got signed to Red Bull Records. And here we are now. TBS: How does it feel having a full-length album finally out? AB: I think it’s what every musician actually wants to do with their life. Making an album is actually a really costly investment, not only money but of time and creativity. So it was a massive life goal for all of us. We all achieved the one thing we wanted to do, and long live it, hopefully we get to do a few more.

TBS: So, who would you say your biggest musical influences are? AB: For me, when I was a kid learning how to sing and perform, I used to look a lot to Freddy, and Queen. As I got a little bit older,I got into really heavy metal. Any band that could put on a really, really good show and could play tight live, I would be interested in them. If they didn’t live up to the expectation, then I would lose interest. That’s what I want to bring to the show. When we play and stuff, it doesn’t matter if it’s for one hundred people, or a thousand people, the most important thing is that the show is never affected by any of the things that go on. We hit a deer brutally at like 70 MPH-TBS: In Minnesota? AB: Yeah, but everyone else is absolutely slammed and feels awful because we had like a ridiculously long drive to do. But the show can never be affected. Heaven’s Basement is a live band; we’re all about the show. And if we walk off stage and feel like we haven’t done our best, then everyone gets rowdy about the next show when we can make it better. TBS: What is it like touring with big names like Bon Jovi, Papa Roach, and now The Pretty Reckless? AB: Bon Jovi was something way before my time. It was actually a fluke. They lied; this band is very good at blogging everything. Actually the band lied that they were from Manchester, because they had a drummer from Manchester, Rivers. But the band wasn’t based there at all. They- I don’t know how on earth they did it – but they won a radio competition to go and do it, and it was like their sixth or seventh show, and they were playing for like 60,000 people in Manchester Stadium. So that was that. TBS: Have you learned anything as a band from touring with big names? AB: Yeah! My first ever tour was with Halestorm, and frankly, they crushed us. Because they’ve been on tour for like, five years or something like that, and their show is very clinically perfect. Which is something Heaven’s Basement isn’t. Our show is very unpredictable is the way I’d put it. The one thing I came off with from that tour is that I never want to be crushed by a band again. So, the next tour was with Seether, a very, very different band, sort of stagnant on stage. Didn’t interact with the audience at all. After the experience we had with Halestorm, I was like, I’m going to fucking own this. And we went out there and stole their audience, which is what we’re all about; I’m all about stealing people’s audiences. TBS: Do you have any thoughts on the difference between the UK and the US music scene? Are they different or the same basically? AB: Um, I dunno. There’s definitely a much more successful, almost supported, underground scene in the UK. America is such a big place that if you had an underground scene, I mean, where are you going to find all the bands? They could be anywhere. Whereas in the UK, it’s like, well I’ll go to London, or I’ll go to Manchester, or one of the like five big cities and go into a dive bar and say, “All right, tonight it’s going to be this band. Or this band.” I get the impression it’s a lot more difficult to find bands of the genre that you might particularly want in the underground scene in America, whereas in the UK it’s easier. On the front of reactions of audiences and stuff like that, very similar, and that’s the way it bloody well should be. If you put on a show that people will want to see, then you will get the reaction you want. If you play shit, then you will get a shit reaction. So, that’s what I mean by being unpredictable. We ain’t good every night! TBS: Have you had any time to check out the US at all? Do you have any favorite states or scenes you’ve been to? AB: I really liked New Orleans. That was pretty cool; I had a really rocking night there. Chicago looks like a blast. I haven’t spent much time going out in it, but it does look like a blast. Los Angeles really isn’t a place for me, and I didn’t get much of a vibe from New York. I think it’s because they’re very similar when it comes to business as London, and I’m from London, so both those two cities I’m past, I’m over it. That was the thing about New Orleans, it reminded me a little of Europe, because all the roads are small and there are really different buildings. And people have crazy accents down there, which is awesome. Hey y’all! New Orleans is probably my favorite so far. TBS: Speaking of barely understanding accents, do you have a favorite US accent? AB: I would have to say since I had such a good time in New Orleans it’s probably the southern accent.

TBS: You don’t like the Minnesotan one at all? AB: It’s very similar to, like, a lot of America. If I was watching a movie in the UK, the Minnesota accent is very similar to like a New York accent. TBS: Have you ever seen the movie Fargo? AB: No, but somebody was harping up about it on Twitter, so I’m going to have to check it out. TBS: You don’t have to watch it. It’s all “Oh, you betchya.” AB: [Laughs] TBS: Anyway… what future plans do you have as far as new material? Touring? When can we expect a new album out? AB: We’ve been privileged enough that before we released Filthy Empire we had already been touring three or four months, so when it came out we were at it again. But we’ve only been touring Filthy Empire since it’s been out in February, so I reckon this album has a year’s worth of legs on it as far as touring, so we can give it the best run it can possibly get. So, when we come off this tour, we’re going to do a UK tour with Black Veil Brides, and then first thing next year is Australia. We’ll do Soundwave Festival for a couple weeks, and then probably another UK tour, and back to America. TBS: Where is your favorite place to tour? AB: I think all of us agreeably could say Europe is pretty badass because you get treated pretty well over there. And the food… ugh, I couldn’t even begin to describe how good the food is over there. I get tired of not being able to eat healthy or hearty foods when on tour. When you’re on the road [in America] most of it is shit food every day…whereas in Europe, you always have little independent restaurants that do quality food. TBS: The last question we have is: what is your best advice for college kids who want to be kickass rock stars such as yourselves? AB: Wow, Ok. Don’t be as boring as me. When I’m on the road, I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, because as I said, I value the show. But if you want to be in a band, if you want to go and do it properly, then you have to value the show. If you’re a guitarist or a drummer, it’s a little bit different. You don’t have to worry about [the health of ] your whole body. But for me, being on the road is about trying -- and failing, usually -- to be as healthy as possible to make sure I can get through a year’s worth of touring without having to cancel a show. We haven’t so far. I can guarantee you if I was getting messed up, it would have happened. So, be savvy. You’ve got to have a good head on your shoulders, know exactly what you want. And if you want it that bad, you’ve got to sacrifice the bollocks.

Guess The Coach

Do you know who all these college basketball coaches are? Send us your answers to backpage@theblacksheeponline.com and if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll win a sweet prize!

crossword

American Holidays DOWN 1) 8-day Jewish holiday in the winter. 3) Earth Day is a celebration of what? 8) The day to celebrate â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;MURICA!!! 9) This day marks the end of the Ten Days of Penitence, two words. 11) Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexican army defeating which army? 12) A day for planting trees. 13) Gettinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; crazy in New Orleans, two words.

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