Minny Spring Issue 11 by The Black Sheep

Volume 8

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

FRE som E! Lik e sl e sna eep gg in c ing lass ...

Issue 11

SEXUAL BASES FOR EVERY COLLEGE AT THE U

Aron Wolde wrote this

The sprawling social system of the University of Minnesota is diverse as it is big. And with that comes a diversity of foreplay and further sexual techniques. In order to illuminate some of the differing kinks The Black Sheep decided to create a comprehensive breakdown on how to get from first base to a home run in different UMN colleges. We are proud to present: The Sexual Bases for Every UMN College. CLA: Students of the College of Liberal Arts are well-read, easy going, and currently high. Because of all of this, the dating timeline depends upon how many “reflection essays” you have written and how pretentious your Spotify playlist is. First base: Mackin’ atop a pile of leather-bound books. Second base: Discuss Chaucer and other great writers whilst planning Pitchfork Music Festival itineraries. Third base: Smoke pot and laugh at lack of job opportunities. Home: Lick each other’s thick-rimmed glasses. CBS: College of Biological Sciences has a lot of smart people dedicated to smart people things. With a comprehensive knowledge of the human body you’d think they would be phenomenal lovers, but they’re not. Ironically, as anal as they are, they can be a very prudish bunch. First base: Analyze bodily fluids for further “experimentation.” Second base: Render an illustrative diagram of what the partner’s sex organs look like. Third base: Write a lab based on the mechanics of kissing. Home: Hold hands (only if you are both wearing sterile gloves). CSE: The College of Science and Engineering is comprised of future engineers and inventors. Most CSE students suffer from a remarkably well-known case of blue balls, mainly because the ratio of boys to girls is so bad they make China look balanced. First base: Talk to the one girl in CSE. Second base: Lie to her about the origin of your sweat stains. Third base: Make it look like you touched her boob “accidentally.” Home: Think about her boob in the shower.

CEHD: The College of Continued Education and Human Development is essentially the college responsible for educating our future generation. With an entire college dedicated to school, things run pretty vanilla for a long time. That being said, with a college full of people who love teaching and responsibility, you’ll find wifey material for sure. First base: Meet a human being. It doesn’t have to be anyone special since you, as a future teacher can fix their flaws. Second base: Date for several years while you grow as a human being. Go camping, cook with each other, move into a house with a white picket fence, go to Disney World, and play charades on the weekend. Third base: Get married, have 2.5 children, and become soccer parents. Home: Die while looking into the eyes of your lover in your final moment. Then remain a cremated pile of ashes on top of their hand-built bedside table for all of eternity.

CSM: The Carlson School of Management should be renamed the Carlson School of the Gods. Who can imagine a much more worthy cause than business? In fact, if you happen to encounter a majestically marketable embodiment of a Carlson student, give them a hug or at least a blowjob. They’re just so swell! First base: High-five your bro because you plan on boning. Second base: Strategically approach your person of interest and ask him or her out via invite on LinkedIn. Third base: Run a financial background check on your soon to be significant other. If their credit score doesn’t meet your standards, drop them like you drop your daddy’s money on kegs and weed. Home: Applying for the same internship as your person of interest and beating them out, because nothing is sexier than domination. So now you know the rolling climate of the sexual world at the U. Ultimately, when it comes to different colleges, it’s certainly safe to say “different folks, different strokes.” Happy smashing everyone!

PAGE 5

PAGES 12-13

DRUNK MODE APP: GOOD OR BAD?

TOP 10: PLACES ON CAMPUS TO CRY ABOUT THE STATE OF YOUR LIFE

THE QUIZ: WHAT SHOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR MAJOR TO NEXT YEAR?

WE WEIGH THE PROS AND CONS OF THE DRUNK MODE APP.

FOR SOME REASON, THE VENDING MACHINE NOOK IN BLEGIN IS QUITE COMFORTING.

APRIL 8TH 2015 - APRIL 15TH 2015

WE ANALYZE EVERY PART OF YOUR LIFE AND HELP YOU DECIDE!

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

PARAPHONAL When your phone phantom vibrates, the screen freaks out for no reason, and in general doesn’t work correctly.

JYNX MAZE

My phone phantom vibrated in class like ten times, and I didn’t get a single text! Something paraphonal is going on, I need to go to the Apple Store.

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!

@BLACKSHEEP_UMN

IS THE MAN WASTING YOUR STUDENT SERVICE FEES AND KILLING LIBERTY WITH THE RON PAUL VISIT?!? Tom Wyatt-Yerka wrote this

Storied Libertarian and freedom junkie, Ron Paul (the old Paul, not the senator with the weird hair), visited the U on Monday for an event sponsored by the student group Young Americans for Liberty (YAL). The former presidential candidate discussed how the government is crushing our freedom by doing things like building roads, passing laws, and existing. Paul’s speech left attendees waving little Chinese-made ‘Murican flags, singing “Home on the Range,” and reminiscing about when the crushing hand of government allowed individuals to truly be free. Truly it was a good, old-fashioned, jovial American scene. The crowd was so riled up that many had the urge to toss a Molotov cocktail and burn down the nearest government building in the name of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Little did they know… they were in one. That’s right, fellow patriots, Ted Mann Concert Hall, where the event was held, is on the U campus and the U is a public *shudder* university! After learning this fact The Black Sheep wanted to get to the bottom of this Illuminati-style web of government-subsidized lies. Where did the money to bring Ron Paul to campus come from? How is Paul grappling with the fact that he set foot on government land?! When will

the lies stop?! The Black Sheep asked YAL President Chaz Fenske if he could comment on the price tag for Paul’s visit. “It was super-expensive,” Fenske noted. “I had to send [Paul’s] agent a $19,000 check for a deposit, just so he would stop calling me and get off my back.” YAL executive member Munira Osman went on to say that “Chaz isn’t even telling you the whole thing. We’re spending like over $40,000 on the whole visit, but it’s alright. We get to go to a fancy dinner with Ron Paul afterwards and we don’t even have to pay for anything! Ron Paul is so cute!” Where in the world did this relatively small and new student group get the funds to bring Paul to campus? The answer is simple—Student Service Fees. That’s right, the roughly $417 that’s tacked onto your tuition each semester funds student groups like YAL and allows them to provide services to the student body. In much the same way that The Man taxes us to death in order to send welfare checks to lazy, single mothers. It seems that our first question has been answered, but it does little to calm our overzealous nerves.

Hopefully we can find a tidbit of hope when we look towards how Ron Paul himself grappled with the fact of having given a speech on government land. The Black Sheep reached out to Paul’s spokesperson Martin O’Neill for comment. “Dr. Paul is no stranger to being on government land” O’Neill revealed. “In fact, he has spent much of his adult life working for the federal government representing the great people of Texas” and “Dr. Paul and I were fully aware that the University of Minnesota is a public institution and that we would be ‘stepping foot’ on government land, including the hall in which Dr. Paul spoke.” It’s as if the

light has gone out from the world… Who will advocate for anarchy liberty now? In stark contrast from the post-speech jubilation experienced in Ted Mann Concert Hall not long ago, these new developments have left The Black Sheep, and lovers of liberty across the U, singing a much different song to the tune of “Home On The Range.”“Home, home at the U/ where Goldy the Gopher plays/Now seldom is heard an encouraging word/And the skies are cloudy all day.”

WE DEBATE

DRUNK MODE APP: GOOD OR BAD? Laura Hafes wrote this

THE TOP TEN

Places on the UMN Campus to Cry About the State of Your Life College is more fun than pizza in a bouncy house, but that doesn’t keep feelings of hopelessness, as deep and vast as your college debt, away. In order to minimize the number of people who stare at you and make you feel even more self-conscious about the mess that is your life, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of the best places to cry on campus. (You’re welcome.) 10.) The Gopher Way: Any person in the Gopher Way will likely be in tears because they are lost and/or frightened. Walk down to the tunnels, find a crying partner, and start sobbing about not having enough money to buy the Caramel-Brownie Frap you so desperately need. 9.) The BioCommons: Tucked away in the basement of Moos, the BioCommons is a small room without windows where students in CBS can go to study, all while acquiring a Vitamin D deficiency. Lucky for you, the card reader has been broken lately, so you can keep nosey, judgmental people out while you mourn the loss of any and all direction in your life.

You roll over after a night of unsolicited raving, check your phone, and cringe. For most students at the University of Minnesota, this is a reality weekend after weekend. Maybe you accidentally texted your parents instead of your dealer demanding to have Molly show up. Most of us have been there. Luckily for you, your parents still think “Molly” is that nice girl who lives down the hall from you. Fortunately, like everything in life, there’s an app for that. Drunk Mode—the app—hailed as “the condom for your phone,” has been released. The most essential feature of this new app, is its ability to block you from calling anyone you shouldn’t be talking to while inebriated for 3-12 hours. The days of texting your roommate and confessing that you secretly hate them (and their need to urinate in the shower, on the toilet seat and occasionally on the floor) are over. Drunk Mode steps in and saves face. Since its release there’s been a lot of buzz, mostly by freshmen who can never handle their alcohol...or emotions. In theory this app appears to be more appealing than an empty line for Al’s Breakfast. You can sip Bacardi like it’s your birthday, still have your phone, and not send any incriminating texts, Snapchats or phone calls. Right? Wrong, you naive Gopher! Not everything is rainbows and sunshine, great precaution must be taken before downloading Drunk Mode. What if you get picked up by the police? Maybe you try to gain the attention of your muse by shouting outside their apartment window. Maybe you took it too far, chucked a rock, and broke a window only to realize their window was “third from the right” not “second from the top.” Next thing you know, the popo throw your ass in the back of the car. Now, if you block someone and are unable to call them for 3-12 hrs, who will bail you out of jail? There’s no way you could know people’s numbers anymore, it’s the 21st century, we have caller ID. Which means you’re out of luck and out of school. With the app’s “Breadcrumbs” feature you can recover your drunken snapchats. This can be a blessing or a curse, but mostly a curse. Some may find acid to the face a less painful form of torture than looking through snapchats of you squeezing your breasts… or someone else’s… with your most serious set of come-to-bed eyes that unfortunately come across as a need for medical attention. Keep in mind that the app is useless if you lose your phone, which is an inevitability if you’re intoxicated. At least you won’t have the opportunity to drunk text anymore. But without your phone, you’re forced to drunkenly interact with real people face-to-face, so drunkenly stripping at Bloco on Birthday Tuesday is a real possibility. Drunk mode can’t block people in real life. So while the “technological condom” might allow you to have all the fun and exhilaration of partying without the shameful memories, just remember that condoms break and semen gets everywhere. This app is not bulletproof, and you may still be left with the repercussions and child support.

8.) Basement of Peik Hall: Where is Peik Hall? Exactly. The eerie abandoned hallways make this spot perfect for both ghoulish spirits and crybabies. Feel free to snivel about how Target Express doesn’t sell cheese pizza rolls; the ghosts won’t judge you. 7.) The Light Rail: Just like the subways of New York, the Light Rail is no stranger to bizarre characters and outlandish behavior. Rumor has it that a man once took a dump in the middle of the Light Rail car. Bottom line, if you tear up on the Light Rail because you drunk emailed your professor telling them to “kiss your bum-bum,” you will by no means be the weirdest one there. 6.) “The Pit” of Rarig: With students often rehearsing and preparing for performances, anything dramatic in this area will be viewed as acting. So go ahead, whimper and wail all you want. You might even get a round of applause for your talents —all while you feel like you have no talents at all. 5.) The Landing Outside the Lower Level of Kolthoff: When standing in this poorly-lit corner, pedestrians will either not see you or assume that you’re a murderer—both of which are better outcomes than people knowing that tears of failed Psych1001 are streaming down your face. 4.) RecWell: Is it sweat? Did you splash your face with water? Are you crying like a baby? No one has to know the truth, as your sweat-mixed tears slip down your face during Zumba. 3.) Vending Machine Nook in Blegen: Located across the hall from Subway, this nook has various vending machines for emotional eating. Buy yourself a treat before wedging between two machines. You can turn on the waterworks while you remember how fit you were before adopting a steady diet of Mesa and Shuang Cheng take-out. 2.) The Grey “Trash Only” Bins: If you feel like your life is exceptionally messy, it might help to “throw yourself away” for a while until you’re done pouting about it. The “trash only” bins are scattered all over campus, providing you with a place to hide whenever your emotions become stronger than your ability to appear like a put-together human being. 1.) Anywhere on the St. Paul Campus: The St. Paul Campus is the number one place to cry at the University of Minnesota because very few people willingly spend time there. So go ahead, weep, howl, scream, bawl, and curse, it’ll make you feel better again. That is, until the next time your relatives ask “what’re you going to do after college, exactly?” Olivia Scott wrote this

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO BETWEEN NOW AND SUMMER? JON OLIVERSEN

“I’m excited to not have frostbite on my face after riding my moped.”

JACKSON RIDL

“I’m excited to grill some weens.”

SHELBY WILCOX

“Using my apartment balcony to soak up the sun.”

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

5 Steps to Bullshiting Your Term Paper in 1 Hour

So you’ve put off doing your paper again. Only this time, it’s a semester-long term paper that there's no possible way you could finish an hour before a 9 a.m. class, right? Wrong! Before you get white-hot anxiety and contemplate cutting off your arm for a doctor’s note, work your way through this how-to guide to finish your long-ass paper in just one hour. Step 1: Throw away all your standards Before you sit down to start an hour of this shit show, prepare yourself to be disappointed. If you expect your fingers to magically pour out the next New York Times bestseller and still have time to stop in Starbucks before class, you’re going fail. Your main focus should be typing words that form a semi-comprehensible sentence while keeping expectations for yourself as low as possible. Step 2: Answer the main question With over 100 papers to read at a time, the chances your professor is going to over analyze your introduction are slim. An introduction is basically a bunch of fluff that frames the ultimate purpose of your paper. Start off with a quote by someone famous in the field to hook your professor’s interest. After babbling on about the importance of this issue/research/book, state your opinion as bluntly as possible so your professor knows you mean business. Your false sense of confidence will come off as impressive, trust us. Step 3: Befriend Wikipedia And no, you’re not going to blindly copy passages, dumbass. Take a gander all the way at the bottom of the Wikipedia pages. Two words: free bibliography. It can technically be argued that Wikipedia is a series of “peer-reviewed articles,” but all you have to do is reap the rewards of their hard work.

Step 4: Composing the body Click on one of the Wikipedia references. That’s your first paragraph. Read the first sentence or two and copy it down as the beginning of your first paragraph. To avoid plagiarism, quote the author of the article as much as possible. To seem like you’re truly researching the topic, make sure you restate the quote in your own words in the following sentence, even if you only change one or two words. As long as your professor believes you know what the hell you’re talking about, you’re golden. Repeat this process for 3-4 more paragraphs, depending on how fast you can click COMMAND+C and COMMAND+V. Step 5: Wrap it up Like the intro, your conclusion is just there to appease the powers that be and because your 5th grade teacher told you it was necessary. Like you, your professor just wants to get the gist of your paper and the conclusion is your place to show you did your “research.” Start by restating the purpose of your paper from the introduction. Then simply copy and paste the first sentence from each body paragraph to bring all the ideas together. Your last sentence should be the money maker. Spend the most time on this one killer sentence that will show how all of these ideas connect to the larger world. If you did it all correctly, you should have 40 minutes to focus on this sentence. Before you Kanye-shrug and deem this paper “good enough,” run through it with a rather wide-toothed comb. Agree with whatever spellcheck tells you to do and polish up the the formatting with proper font, heading, margins, all the shit that really doesn’t matter. Once that’s done, you’ve successfully bullshitted your way through a huge paper. Print it out and give yourself a gold star. You did it!

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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

Everyday Happy Hour Mon-Fri 3p-8p & Sat 2p-8p 2 for 1 on “Almost Anything” & $1 off Appetizers

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

FRIDAY: Ghost Towns of the West CD Release Party

Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

8PM - Close: $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Wells

Les Exodus featuring Prince Jabba & Lynval Jackson

Half price bottles of wine starting at 5pm Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Thursday 4/09

(With College or Military ID. $15 Without)

Karaoke Thursdays! Free Shot When You Sing Karaoke $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 U-Call-It Shots

Friday 4/10

8PM - Close: $4 Three Olives Specialty Drinks $2 Jager, Cherry, O-Bombs $5 3 Olives Flavored Long Islands

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

Ghost Towns of the West CD Release Party

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Saturday 4/11

8PM - Close: $4 Bacardi Specialty Drinks Swamp Water - Cherry Lemonade - South Beach $2 Jäger, Cherry & O-bombs

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Uncle Chunk

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Sunday 4/12

Everyday Happy Hour Mon-Fri 3p-8p & Sat 2p-8p 2 for 1 on “Almost Anything” & $1 off Appetizers

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

Open Mic/Blues Jam w/ Moses Oakland 18+ | No Cover | Music 7:00PM

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Monday 4/13

8PM - Close: $3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double Wells $5 Bud Light Pitchers

Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Tuesday 4/14

8PM - Close: $3 U-Call-It’s Rails, Calls, Taps

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

Birthday Karaoke Night!

Wednesday 4/15

Wing Night 25¢ Wings 9pm ‘til they’re Gone $8 Bottomless Mugs $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall boys” $3 Kamikazee Shots

Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM; 2-4-1 drinks: 4 PM-close; Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

Circle Of Heat

$2 Mini O-bombs $3 UV

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints

Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

$2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

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THE BAR GRID MONDAY! College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

SAT/SUN: Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $8 Fishbowls $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, 1/2 Price Wine Bottles, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

SPECIAL NIGHT

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

Rick’s Hole Club Special Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, $5 House Wine, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan 9 & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight

Thursday 4/09

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): 2-4-1 Rails and Tap Beer $8 Fishbowls $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles 7pm-Close

Friday 4/10

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $8 Fishbowls $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, 1/2 Price Wine Bottles, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

Saturday 4/11

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $8 Fishbowls $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, 1/2 Price Wine Bottles, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close

Sunday 4/12

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): 2-For 1 Rails and Tap Beer $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps $6.50 Flatbreads

Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

Monday 4/13

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, $5 House Wine, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm - Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

Tuesday 4/14

WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the ﬁrst time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to All Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, $5 House Wine, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, 43 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

Wednesday 4/15

COME ON!

MARCHING BAND THREATENS TO PERFORM NAKED UNTIL GIVEN NEW UNIFORMS Big Biscuit wrote this

The marching band has been marching in the same chastity-belted garbs for 23 years, and the members have voiced their fervent disdain for the cobwebs collecting in their particularly unbangable uniforms. While the football team has millions of dollars being poured into their new waterfall pool and lavender-infused jacuzzi, the marching band can barely afford to get uniforms that have working zippers. “We’ve decided that there’s only one way to get the administration’s attention, and that’s by going nude,” says drum major Margaret Polaski. Polaski and other marching band leaders are aware of the judgment they might receive while commanding their musicians commando. But these decomposing uniforms are so ragged and atrocious after years of wearing them, the marching band decided that wearing nothing but a smile was better than wearing these maroon and shit rags. The Black Sheep was given a shocking behind-the-scenes glimpse at how oppressed the marching band is in their antiqued attire. While the athletes are bringing sexy back with their tight, shimmery Goldy-approved unis, the marching band looks like their uniforms were farted out of The Music Man. “Honestly, I’d rather be in my birthday suit

than those raggedy old uniforms on the field,” says 290-lb tuba player Mark Dillard. “They’re so old and ugly, Kaler’s mom probably wore them back in the day.” According to Polaski, the marching band has actually prepared to have new band members practice naked at band camp. “We already have a reputation of being a bit cultish, hopefully we won’t scare too many freshmen away. But we have to do what we have to do,” Polaski sighs. Now the barely-legal newbies will make band camp more taboo than it is while they play scales stark nude. “It certainly won’t be comfortable when it’s cold and the metal is pressed against our naked skin, but it’s better than the moldy uniforms that has spider eggs in them….I think they’ve hatched.” These uniforms have been worn by so many bodies for so many years, Boynton is inspecting them for diseases that may be passed on to marching band members. “For years we’ve seen band members come in for a multiplicity of diagnoses,” reports Dr. Trisha Robinson. “Some come in with rashes, others come in with new allergies, and some come in with warts. The one thing they all have in common is that they come in for appointments after football games when they’ve been wearing

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these uniforms for hours,” she says. “We even had one young man come in who unfortunately was diagnosed with syphilis. If that doesn’t show you how old these uniforms are, I don’t know what does.” Whether you’re banging a member of the marching band or not, the School of Music urges students, parents, alumni, faculty and Gopher fans alike to fund some fresh new outfits for these poor troubadours. No one should have to wear crusting, decomposing

clothes pressed against their skin for hours whilst playing instruments and being forced to dance to the orchestra version of “Jump On It” in front of 50,000 people. If the marching band doesn’t reach their goal by the summer, get ready for season of nudist nerds marching the field every other Saturday. On the bright side, at least the drum line will be naked.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E T OF 1 R U SCO 2 4O

1. Brands: What brand’s slogan is “Eat Mor Chikin”?

6. Acronym: “Roy G. Biv” is an acronym for what?

2. Physics: What body of water is so dense with salt, that humans can float in it?

7. Music: What artist recently released an album titled, To Pimp a Butterfly?

3. TV Shows: What much-loved animated show featured Otto, Twister, Reggie and The Squid?

8. Inventions: What did Eli Whitney famously event?

4. World Capitals: This New Zealand capital is the world’s southernmost. 5. Food: The separation of curds and whey is an integral process in making what kind of food?

DEB LACHAPELLE

BETA THETA PI HOUSE COOK

9. American Government: What state receives the most electoral votes in a presidential election? 10. Measurements: Within 200 feet, how many feet are in a mile?

Deb’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. Tyson 2. Salt Lake 3. Spongebob 4. No Clue 5. Cheese 6. No Idea 7. Prince 8. Cotton Gin 9. Ohio 10. 6,300

1. Chick-fil-A 2. Dead Sea 3. Rocket Power 4. Auckland 5. Cheese 6. Colors of the Rainbow 7. Kendrick Lamar 8. Cotton Gin 9. California 10. 5,280

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

POST-LENT DISASTER

KOSHER CORN DOGS

So you gave up drinking for Lent like an idiot, eh? This week’s going to be one hell of a ride for your gut and your roommates. But tonight it’s time to take out your 40-day frustration on the place that put you in this bind to begin with. You’re going back to church to show them the mess they’ve created.

Oy vey! We’re in the midst of Passover and you’ve got a taste for corn dogs? Lucky enough, you’ve got The Black Sheep to help you out in making those bad boys kosher. They may not end up being corn dogs, but we guarantee you’ll have something in your dogs.

What You’ll Need: 30-rack of God’s greatest creation: beer, and penance for what’s about to happen. Number of Players: The father, the son, and your case of holy spirits.

What You’ll Need: Your favorite kosher food, corn meal, flour, sugar, baking powder, milk, salt, pepper and eggs, hot oil, tasteful imagination. Fatty Factor: It’s better than eating grandma’s matzo ball soup!

The Game Ends When: You cut the communion line and chug all the wine, burp, and yell, “ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME” then leave.

Let’s Get Baked: -Combine 1 cup corn meal, 1 cup flour, ¼ cup sugar, 4 tablespoons of baking powder and a dash of salt and pepper. -Add one cup milk and an egg to the above mix. You now have your batter. - Take your favorite foods (mine is pizza, so we’ll go with that) and prepare them as usual. - Once your pizza sauce and cheese are warmed up, mix them together. - Dip your pizza in the batter. -Place it in hot oil for about 3 minutes. - Let it cool down and eat away, guilt free (imagine that what you just made is not a pizza roll, but a corn dog instead.)

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Level of Intoxication: Your stomach will need its own salvation tomorrow morning. How to Play: - It’s been a few weeks, so start off with a cool 10 beers at home before you leave. - Make the pilgrimage to the nearest church and have your own tailgate on the front steps. - Drink twice for every sucker who walks inside. - By the time someone asks you to leave, you should be drunk enough to make them think you’re speaking in tongues. - Astonished, they will invite you inside. Drink every time someone yells out amen.

THE QUIZ:

WHAT SHOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR MAJOR TO NEXT YEAR? Take this quiz to find out what you should change your major to next semester. At the end of the quiz, tally up your points and head to the registrar’s office with your new major that you’re sure to enjoy a lot more than the one you have now. - Katelin Howell

Question 1: How often do you attend class each week? A. Every day! Why would I skip class? B. I think I attended class once, two weeks ago. C. Sometimes I’ll skip my morning class. D. All my professors take attendance, so I have to go every day. E. I go to most classes, but I’m usually hungover.

Question 8: What’s the longest you’ve gone without taking a shower? A. Maybe two days B. Two weeks C. A full month D. 12 minutes E. 24 hours

Question 2: What’s your favorite subject?

Question 10: How many times have you gotten drunk this semester?

A. Art B. Musical Studies C. Business D. Engineering E. Journalism

A. Too many to count. B. I’ve never tasted alcohol. C. Like… four times. D. At least once a week. E. An acceptable amount of times.

Question 4: What makes you the happiest? A. Shoe sales B. Happy hour C. Netflix D. Sunshine and fresh-cut grass E. Free food

Question 11: Who would be the best professor? A. Kanye West B. Robert Downey Jr. C. Helen Keller D. Napoleon Dynamite E. Coco Chanel

Question 5: What’s your biggest goal in life? A. Getting a job right out of college B. Marrying rich C. Pass my classes this semester D. Get into law school E. Show up to class sober, for once

A. Dazed and Confused B. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs C. Sideways D. Mean Girls E. The Devil Wears Prada

A. The Internet and Wifi B. My favorite pair of shoes C. My mom D. Nachos E. A mimosa to get me through the day

Question 13: Whom would you rather marry?

Question 7: What’s your favorite method of transportation?

A. Albert Einstein B. The Most Interesting Man in the World C. Jennifer Lawrence D. Your hot professor E. George Clooney

A. Walking B. Biking C. Riding a unicorn D. Driving E. Teleportation

1. A=1 B=5 C=3 D=4 E=2 2. A=5 B=3 C=4 D=2 E=1 3. A=5 B=3 C=4 D=2 E=1 4. A=3 B=2 C=1 D=4 E=5

20-36 Points: You Should Major In Popular Culture:

This is actually a major where you learn about movies, celebrities and anything and everything pop culture. Who wouldn’t want this major as a daily “effort”? When you change your major next semester you’ll be watching movies and TMZ every day.

5. A=1 B=5 C=3 D=4 E=2 6. A=1 B=3 C=4 D=5 E=2 7. A=2 B=3 C=4 D=5 E=1 8. A=5 B=2 C=4 D=3 E=1

37-52 Points: You Should Major In Fermentation Sciences:

A major in learning how to make beer. You get to make the beer, you get to drink the beer. Basically, next semester you’ll have buzz every day in class and that’s totally acceptable. You’re one of the lucky ones. You actually learn a lot about science and biology, so it’ll be super beneficial.

Question 16: What do you wear to class? A. Workout clothes B. Pajamas C. My cutest outfit D. Whatever is clean E. Sperrys, short shorts and Greek t-shirts

Question 17: What job do you want after you graduate? A. Working at an atelier B. Manager at Chipotle C. Bartender D. Actor E. Living at my parents’ house for free

Question 18: What’s your favorite TV show?

Question 12: What’s your favorite movie?

Question 6: What can’t you live without?

ANSWER KEY:

A. Instagram B. Snapchat C. Twitter D. Pinterest E. Tumblr

A. Taco Bell B. Sushi C. Anything that cures a hangover D. Pizza E. Ramen

Question 3: What major are you in right now?

A. Captain Underpants B. The Harry Potter series C. Does Sports Illustrated count? D. Vogue E. I don’t reed, u dummy.

Question 15: What’s your favorite social media app?

Question 9: What’s your favorite thing to eat?

A. Eating B. History of fashion C. Sleeping D. Math E. Not going to class and watching Netflix instead

Question 14: What’s your favorite book?

9. A=5 B=3 C=2 D=1 E=4 10. A=2 B=5 C=3 D=4 E=1 11. A=1 B=2 C=4 D=5 E=3 12. A=4 B=5 C=2 D=1 E=3

53-68 Points: You Should Major In Apparel Studies:

Fashion and shopping are your favorite things in the whole wide world. Now, imagine of doing that for a living! Switching to this major next semester will get you prepared to shop for other people or design clothes for other people. But you know you’ll still be shopping for yourself, all the while getting paid to do it.

A. E! News B. Mad Men C. Cupcake Wars D. Project Runway E. Workaholics

Question 19: What do you like to do in your spare time? A. Go shopping B. Get high C. Watch movies D. Eat E. Get drunk

Question 20: What’s your favorite college holiday? A. Summer break B. Christmas break C. Martin Luther King Day D. Spring break E. Thanksgiving break

13. A=5 B=2 C=4 D=1 E=3 14. A=4 B=1 C=5 D=3 E=2 15. A=5 B=4 C=1 D=3 E=2 16. A=1 B=4 C=3 D=5 E=2

69-84 Points: You Should Major In Cannabis Cultivation:

AKA growing weed. AKA the best major ever. AKA you’ll be learning how to make your own weed. AKA never paying for marijuana ever again. Don’t be frightened if the DEA shows up to one of your classes next semester, just act natural. Be cool, man. You should be used to that.

17. A=3 B=5 C=2 D=1 E=4 18. A=1 B=2 C=5 D=3 E=4 19. A=3 B=4 C=1 D=5 E=2 20. A=1 B=3 C=4 D=2 E=5

85-100 Points: You Should Major In Food Science:

You know you love food, eating is basically the only thing you do all day anyway. After you change your major to this for next semester, you’ll get to eat to your heart’s delight, cook your own food, learn about different foods from around the world and basically get a degree in becoming a chef. Honestly, what could be better?

blacked out cartoons!

Can you identify them? If so, email us at cartoons@theblacksheeponline and win a prize!

DELECTABLE DESSERTS CROSSWORD

ACROSS: 6) This kind of cake is a traditional substitute for wedding cake in the Appalachia area of the United States. 10) This fruit salad contains, amongst other fruits, pineapple, mandarin oranges, mini marshmallows and coconut. 11) This french, frozen dessert is layered with yogurt and fruit, amongst others. 13) A small cake baked into an ice cream cone is called a what? 15) This traditional camping treat has itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s own special day in the United States, celebrated yearly on August 10. 16) This Southwestern pudding is made from ground sprouted wheat and piloncillo. 19) Gooey Butter cake is a flat and dense cake traditionally made in this midwestern city. 20) This cake is made by pouring batter into oil in a circular pattern and then deep frying. 21) Bananas Foster originated in which American city? 22) This cobbler-like dessert has sweetened crumbs in the layers between fruit, two words. DOWN: 1) A boston cream pie is

actually not a pie, but a what? 2) This type of pie is also called a black moon or gob. 3) Fried Coke was introduced in 2006 in which state? 4) Gummy worms are often added on top of this kind of dessert. 5) A king cake often has a plastic what inside? 7) This sponge cake made a comeback in the United States in the summer of 2013. 8) Devilâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s food cake is darker than other chocolate cakes by the additional use of this ingredient, two words. 9) This small cake is made from ground almonds, coconut, sugar and egg white. 12) This cake gets it color from adding beetroot or food coloring, two words. 14) German chocolate cake is traditionally topped with what kind of frosting? 17) This pudding is notably mentioned in a verse in the song Yankee Doodle. 18) The most popular gelatin dessert, which also doubles as a delicious alcoholic shot.

. M E H T E ! T S A C I H P Y R T O R A P M R LEOTVEMEBTARHAESSED OR BECOME INFAMOUS. SPICENS@DTUHESBYLAOCUKSHEEPONLINWEE.CBSOITME! G OUR H G U O R H T R O P P A . R U D E K & VIA O A N T E M G O R .C E O N , I L Y N R O P C E , E H H S G LAU THEBLACK (WAIT, WHAT?)

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