Minnesota - Issue 11 - 11/6/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

rea Free! lly m Lik ake e we you wou pay ld for this .

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 11

624-WALK OFFICER REALIZES

HE HAS NO REAL AUTHORITY Victoria Petelin wrote this As of last Thursday, 624-WALK Officer Drew Dooley came to the daunting and unsettling realization that he is virtually powerless. This realization occurred at the corner of Pleasant St SE and Pillsbury Drive SE at 9:10 p.m., and hit Dooley with such force that he had to sit down on the curb with his head between his knees and take several deep, measured breaths. Upon every inhalation he could almost smell his ego deteriorating. At 9:16 p.m. he managed to suppress his emotions long enough to stand up and walk to Fraser Hall, where he would escort a sophomore student back to her dorm. Dooley managed to maintain his composure for the next 30 minutes by reminding himself that in an emergency situation his tall, wiry form would act as a strong visual deterrent and, if worse comes to worst, he would definitely be placing a critical phone call to local law enforcement. Should things get really gritty, Dooley reminded himself that there is no shame in shouting “back off!” or “you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into, buddy!” in a firm, assertive tone of command. Though prohibited from carrying pepper spray or a baton, Dooley also grappled with the idea of delivering a quick, harsh slap to any and all assailants, but only if necessary for self-defense purposes. There are several factors that contribute to 624-WALK officers’ inflated egos and delusional sense of authority: their walkie-talkies and their badges for example. Their crisp, matching button-downs also don’t hurt. As of this week, Dooley may be the only officer that realizes his existence does not dramatically affect the safety of his fellow students because everyone, not just 624-WALK officers, possess the ability to call 911. Seriously, it’s not a problem for anyone to take their phone out and summon the fuzz if they run into trouble on the way home. Also, most people have vocal cords to scream and legs to run away on, so the only difference between a 624-WALK officer and a run-of-the-mill pedestrian is that pedestrians don’t get paid to walk around at night, unless they’re prostitutes. After he delivered the sophomore to her dorm, Dooley radioed base through the plastic walkie-talkie clipped to his uniform to give them the mandatory confirmation that the student had arrived home safely. After he received a positive response, Dooley felt endorphins rush to his brain, and he reported feeling how a dog must feel after receiving a pat on the head or a stale treat from the jar sitting atop the fridge. Dooley also reports that the job fulfills his constant need to be praised, as well

as his stifling need to feel control in his life, which may or may not stem from early childhood trauma. Several of his fellow officers have voiced similar sentiments; an anonymous source went so far as to say that they took the position of 624-WALK officer to help fulfill their masked vigilante fantasy that they aren’t cool enough to actually pursue.

At approximately 9:46 p.m., Dooley departed the sophomore’s dorm to go to meet his next client. As he walked alone under night’s dark cloak, he caught a glimpse of the breathtaking Minneapolis skyline. As he gazed upon this image, he realized that he was not the hero the University of Minnesota campus needed, nor the hero it really wanted, yet, as a 624-WALK officer, it was just enough to know that he can protect his fellow citizens one awkward conversation at a time.

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PAGES 12-13

GIVE US A BREAK!

TOP 10: THINGS THAT HAPPEN WHEN YOU GET HIGH...

HOW TO FIX 2014’S WORST NEW SHOWS (WITHOUT CHANGING THEIR NAMES)

... WITH SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME. A MOMENT YOU’LL NOT SOON FORGET.

THIS FALL’S TELEVISION LINEUP IS ATROCIOUS. HERE’S WHAT WE THINK WOULD HELP.

A COMPLETE LIST OF HOLIDAYS UMN SHOULD/ SHOULD NOT CELEBRATE.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Mackenzie Harding

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

EDITORIAL MANAGER Megan Felz

OWNER Atish Doshi

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Aaron Grossman Charlie Glynn

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Cora Neisen, Lily Noonan Aron Wolde, Annie Cameron Victoria Petelin SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Hannah Botsford

QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

THE BLACK SHEEP ONLINE .COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Why is this reception so bad?”

THE BROWN NECKTIE

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

MIRRORCLE An act in which one looks in the mirror and is convinced she looks good when she, in fact, does not. “I don’t know what she was thinking when she looked at herself in the mirror tonight,” Bethany exclaimed, “must have been a mirrorcle.”

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Ex-Amish, now a model.

Arrested for DUI in 2013.

Daughter of a bishop.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_UMN

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THE LITTLE THINGS

GIVE US A BREAK!

A Complete List of Holidays UMN Should/Should Not Celebrate Big Biscuit wrote this There’s nothing quite like the euphoria of heading home for a long fall break to spend time with family and friends… except, here at the U we don’t have that luxury. Doesn’t it seem a little unfair that the University of Minnesota doesn’t have any fall breaks whatsoever? We made a complete list of all holidays we should commemorate to have a break in our schedule. Likewise, The Black Sheep also has a list of holidays that should not be recognized or celebrated, due to their offensiveness, potential danger, or overall stupidity. To Celebrate Indigenous People’s Day: This year, the city of Minneapolis officially changed the day of Columbus’ directionallychallenged, white invasion to “Indigenous People’s Day,” a huge stride for social justice advocates. All that hard work and activism means that everyone in Minneapolis should get the day off, right? Pi Day: Every March 14th students should be able to take this special day for themselves and reflect on decimal

points and baked goods. This holiday is essentially 2% celebrating mathematics and 98% binge-eating pie. B eer Can Appreciation Day : Minnesotans typically refer to this holiday as “PBR Appreciation Day.” In order to pay homage to the Holy Beer Can, an extended weekend is in need for this holiday. And maybe Monday too, depending how much “appreciating” participants do. February 3rd (The Day the Music Died): This rather somber holiday commemorates the death of Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P “The Big Bopper” Richardson in a plane crash on February 3rd, 1959 and was the inspiration for Don McLean’s “American Pie.” It’s a great day to honor musicians, and also single out uncultured college kids that don’t know one of the greatest songs of all time. Zero Shits Given Day: Self-explanatory. This holiday needs more respect and recognition, but we don’t really care…

Cyber Monday: The Monday after Thanksgiving means that no student in class on their laptop is going to be paying attention to lecture. They will be blowing their Black Friday paycheck on Amazon and eBay until midnight. ABC Family’s Harry Potter Weekend: Almost 20 hours of non-muggle entertainment is a perfect excuse to not have class. Bonus points for watching the entire marathon straight and taking a shot every time Harry and Hermione should’ve dated… which is mostly the entirety of all eight movies. Global Orgasm Day (GORG): Must be important if it’s internationally recognized. It actually is a Peace Awareness day. Therefore, this day should be completely dedicated to having hot, kinky… peace? October 3rd: So every female between the ages of 10 and 26 can stop reminding us on Facebook. May 4th: Same reason as October 3rd,

except instead of girls making overused Mean Girls jokes, it’s for the hardcore Star Wars fans who need to get out more. Flag Day of Canada: Since Minnesotans are practically Canadians. National Kindness Day: Spend the day doing good deeds. Buy a freshman some Fireball. Above are the holidays that deserve to be commemorated...and give us an excuse to not have class. Likewise, The Black Sheep also has a list of holidays that should not be recognized or celebrated, due to their offensiveness, potential danger, or overall stupidity. To Not Celebrate International Moment of Frustration Day: It seems like a good idea, getting rid of pent-up frustration; but if people take it too far, we could end up with a real-life

version of The Purge. National Hugging Day: This is like an open invitation to be a creep for a day. It’s like tickling, it starts out cute, and ends weird. Cinco de Mayo: For some reason, plenty of young white people use Cinco de Mayo as an excuse to get drunk off of cheap tequila while wearing sombreros. Don’t be una gilipollas, leave your cultural appropriation at home. Be Kind to Spiders Week: Apparently this is widely celebrated but definitely should be outlawed. No thanks. Kanamara Matsuri: Or in Layman’s terms, a Japanese schlong festival. Google it. We’re still trying to figure this one out. National Talk Like a Pirate Day: Just… No. (Editor’s Note: Arrrrrr you sure?)

CURRENT EVENTS

THE TOP TEN Things That Happen

When You Get High

With Someone For The First Time “We should smoke together sometime.” We’ve all had an acquaintance say this to us or have said this to an acquaintance. That coworker you kinda know. That kid from stats you did that one project with. The person who you talk to in line at the Jamba Juice in Coffman. Getting high with someone you’ve never smoked with before can be awkward. And dissipating the awkwardness is a joint effort. We think it’s high time you know 10 things that for sure will happen when you get high with someone for the first time. You can dank us later. 10.) Fall in love with each other when one of you suggests ordering Mesa: The first one to suggest food will have everyone falling in love; a deep love like in The Notebook. Ryan Gosling was like super stoned in that movie, right?

Doctor’s Note Forgery Ring Discovered in Coffman Aron Wolde wrote this Last Thursday the UMPD made a staggering discovery in a case the department had been following for months. Since September, it appears that a ring of CLA students have been forging doctor’s notes for students all across campus in order to not go to class. Here’s what The Black Sheep knows so far. On September 13th, James Kips applied for and found employment in Coffman Memorial Union’s Printing Services Center. After two weeks of working James was promoted and allowed to work the scanner after not showing up high like every other employee. A privilege that Chad Thompson, James’ supervisor, called “prestigious.” It was around this time that James first began to miss classes. After missing more than a week of classes James realized that if he were to miss more classes he would actually be penalized with a loss in points, a slap on the wrist, and a variety of other arbitrary punishments. “He sort of had this pained look on his face. Like he was trying to pass a gallstone or something,” said Allesandra Sanchez, James’s friend, coworker, and later accomplice at the Printing Services Center. “When I asked him what was wrong he told me he didn’t want to go to class. I thought he was sick, so I told him to get a doctor’s note and stay home.” It was at this point that James discovered the university’s loophole in tardiness excuses. He could miss as many classes as he wanted as long as he had a valid doctor’s note. From there, Kips began forging and printing doctor’s notes for every class he had. Using all of the marvelous technology his job had to offer, Kips developed fake doctor’s notes with real and fake illnesses for all occasions: whooping cough, dengue fever, even a condition he called extreme krunkness. Kips had skipped almost every class for a month before friends and other students began to notice his absences. “People looking for a way out of class just started

showing up to the center,” said Sanchez, “they’d slip him a twenty and he would give an authenticlooking doctor’s note.” It was the escalation of Kips’ business that ultimately brought him down. Many professors began noticing students missing major tests due to illness, but would see them staggering down the street as they were coming back from Bloco’s Friday After Class. Coffman was all but empty with the exception of when students needed doctor’s notes or overpriced pizza. Many classes were eventually canceled from the lack of student participation. The hundreds of fake doctor’s notes eventually made Kips cocky and arrogant when it came to the quality of his work.

9.) Pretend to like their high music: They plug their iPhone into some speakers and start blasting a Wiz Khalifa playlist when you just want to listen to Grimes. So you sit back, relax, and fake it ‘til you’re high enough to listen to anything. 8.) One of you asks the other if you’ve tried acid: It happens. It’s brought up. Even if neither of you have ever been within a mile radius of LSD, you assure each other you’ve “tripped sooo hard, man.” 7.) Get annoyed when you suspect they’re faking being high to seem like they’re on your level: Even if neither of you are faking it, suspicion will fill the room at some point. Did they really take that hit? Or are they just pretending to like your theory on how Northrop was built by aliens. 6.) Settle on Adventure Time: You’re too scared to suggest that crazy documentary on Netflix about street art. So, you suggest watching Adventure Time. A safe choice. A safe choice, indeed. 5.) They promise to smoke you up next time: You provided the wacky tabacky for the evening and they smoked way more than anticipated. Inevitably, they’ll make an empty promise to get you next time. This is more unlikely than getting through the Coffman Starbucks line in under 45 minutes. 4.) They fall asleep on your couch: Uh oh. You wanted them to leave but instead they decide to take a little marijuana nap in your apartment. Guess you’ll have to finish the jar of Nutella on your own. 3.) Talk about dealers: Okay. So, even though you just get weed from your cousin, you assure each other you “know like every dealer in the area.” You talk about how you’re “thinking about becoming a dealer” even though you’re never going to deal anything. You can’t even deal with your midterms.

“He started out by writing doctor’s notes for the common cold or the flu, but then he got bigger and weirder with them. He started writing notes for broken gluts, trench foot, and circumcisions. He wrote a junior chemistry major a doctor’s note saying he had Ebola,” said Sanchez. It was after the Ebola incident that university staff became suspicious and called the UMNPD, in addition to the CDC and WHO. After weeks of work the police sourced all of the notes to the Printing Services Center. They held a sting operation where a sophomore English major came in looking for an excuse to miss midterms. When Kips obliged this request, it was all over. A SWAT team converged on Kips faster than a fraternity converges on Natty Ice. After Kips and his crew of paper flunkies were successfully arrested and faced with a hefty fine of $2,017 (correlating to a dollar per forged note), the forgery ring folded and all doctor’s notes were given bar codes so this may never happen again. Now if a student needs an excuse for missing class the student must schedule an appointment with a doctor, have a doctor verify what they already know, and write it down for a professor who doesn’t even doubt the student. Because God forbid a student just stays home when they’re sick.

2.) Get those darn giggles together: After you both sat in complete silence for 12 minutes contemplating the fan on the ceiling, you both get the giggles. Life is hilarious. And you laugh uncontrollably. As the famous stoner Miley Cyrus once said, “we can’t stop, we won’t stop.” Y’all are gonna laugh forever. 1.) Pack another bowl: So, yeah, it was awkward at first. But you guys made it through and are now best buds. Pot brought you together. So you pack another bowl and head to Dinkytown for some more smoky adventures. Annie Cameron wrote this

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS Who, like your sprit animal, is your spirit celebrity? HANNAH, SOPHOMORE “Pumba from The Lion King.”

ANDREW, SOPHOMORE “Wendy Williams. SHE CRAZY.”

JAKE, SOPHOMORE “Monica from Friends. She’s really OCD and a neat freak so I’d probably identify with her.”

AROUND CAMPUS

Cora Neisen wrote this

With registration just around the corner, the University of Minnesota recently announced a new system to determine the order of registration. While in the past it has been determined by number of credits taken, this semester the university’s implementing a new system. All students will partake in a day-long drinking competition in a fight to register first. Sources report that the University wants to be “the fun parent” of the Big Ten by sponsoring such activities. During several rounds of different drinking activities in TCF, students will fight to be the last person drinking. Registration order is determined by order of drop out, and drop out includes voluntarily giving up, puking, passing out, or texting your ex. For example, the first person to yak would be the last person to register, second person to do any of the above activities would be the second to last and so on. “This has been something in the works for a while, so we’re excited to finally

implement this new policy,” a university spokesperson commented during a press conference. We decided that just because you’ve been taking classes here for a while doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a champion at college. By ‘champion of college,’ we mean successfully being able to stomach Ron Diaz, Karkov, and Franzia simultaneously.”When questioned about fears of a rampant increase in students developing alcohol addictions, the spokesperson replied with “at least they aren’t doing crack.” The university plans to have 10 rounds. The first round is a simple beer pong competition because any self-respecting alcohol consumer has at least played one clumsy round of this classic. As always, loser drinks. The following two rounds are Circle of Death and Kings Cup, this time upping the ante by forcing losers to take shots instead of beer. Immediately following Kings Cup, a huge game of Boom Cup will be the next round’s activity. Each cup will have

hard alcohol in it (no chase provided) in the hopes that this will make students start dropping like flies. Keeping with tradition, loser at the very end of the game chugs the full cup, this time with straight alcohol *insert weird purple iPhone emoji with horns*. At the halfway mark, the games are set to come in quick succession. Flip Cup with straight alcohol will be followed by five 20-second keg stands. As long as the beer is flowin’, the next event is Louisville Chugger—a sure way to make contestants puke. The brave souls that are still fighting for a chance to register first must then play a game of Ride the Bus. Anyone who has ever lost this game knows how fast the night can go from a fun card game to lying naked in the fetal position on the floor vowing to never ever drink again in your entire life. The second to last round includes beer bongs from the press box onto the field, with the lone survivors making it to the final round. Though the university is

unsure of how many people will make it to the last round, it is set to be a water fall in which everyone starts at the same time and the person to stop drinking last will be the ultimate champion and have the honor of registering first. Upon this announcement, students of all ages have begun training. Though football season is good preparation, students have been putting in extra work. “I’ve been trying to have two beers

with every meal. Kegs n eggs man!” a university junior commented. Others have simply made a commitment to drink heavily every weekend until the Games, while some extremists have devised an IV of beer in order to have alcohol flowing directly through their bloodstream. Regardless of your tactics, the university would like to wish good luck to every student.

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

UMN ANNOUNCES STUDENTS TO COMPETE FOR REGISTRATION ORDER IN THE DRINKING GAMES OF 2014

NOW LEASING FOR 2014 & 2015!

Call 612.379.6082 to schedule an appointment or visit TheRailApts.com

THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour Mon-Sat 3-8pm 2 for 1 on “Almost” Anything $1 OFF Appetizers LATE NIGHT Happy Hour Fri-Sat 8pm10PM: $3 Calls, Wells and Any Tap, $4 Vodka Red Bulls

WEDNESDAY: Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM; 2-4-1 drinks: 4 PM-close; Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

SATURDAY! Cabooze Presents: #MPLS Special Guests: The Cameron Wright Band & The Brandon Projekt

Thursday 11/6

8pm-Close: All-U-Care-2-Drink with a College or Military ID $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O-Bombs, $3 UV Vodka

Karaoke Thursdays! Free Shot When You Sing Karaoke $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 U-Call-It Shots

Cabooze Presents: The Werks vs ZOOGMA w/ DJ Brother Jules Doors 8 PM, Music 8:30 PM, Age 18+ Advance $12, Door $15 ON SALE!

Half price bottles of wine starting at 5pm Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Friday 11/7

8pm-Close: $4 Three Olives Vodka $5 Three Olives Flavored Long Islands, $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

The Cabooze & Rose Productions Present: Funkified Hoedown! Featuring Zach Deputy & Duenday

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Saturday 11/8

8pm-Close: $4 Bacardi $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Sunday 11/9

Open ONLY for Vikings & Special Events $3 Wells and Domestic Taps $4 Calls, Micro/Import Taps

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Monday 11/10

Mason Jar Monday (8pm-Close) $3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double UV Vodka & Rails $5 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud or Bud Light Towers.

Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Tuesday 11/11

8pm - Close: $3 U-Call It’s Rails, Calls and Every Beer on Tap

Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Wednesday 11/12

8pm-Close: $0.25 Wings with College or Military ID, or purchase of a $8 AUCD wristband. ($.50 without) $8 AUC2D Miller Lite Tap, Wells, Bacardi Oakheart, $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall Boys”

Circle of Heat w/ Pocket Watch Doors 9:00 PM, Music 10:00 PM, Age 18+, Cover $5.00 $3 Rail Drinks and Tall Boy Cans 2-4-1 Cover w College ID

$2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Birthday Karaoke Night!

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints

Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM; 2-4-1 drinks: 4 PM-close; Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

Doors 8:00 PM, Music 9:00 PM, Age 18+ Advance $15, Door $15 ON SALE!

Cabooze Presents: #MPLS Special Guests: The Cameron Wright Band & The Brandon Projekt Doors 8:30 PM, Music 9:30 PM, Age 18+, Door: $10

TUESDAY! Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

THE BAR GRID MONDAY! College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! $10 Fishbowls

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

SPECIAL NIGHT

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan 9 & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight

Thursday 11/6

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles 7pm-Close

Friday 11/7

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

Saturday 11/8

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close

Sunday 11/9

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

Monday 11/10

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Trivia Tuesday w/ Tim (8-Close): $3 Domestic Taps, $4 Craft & Import Taps Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm - Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

Tuesday 11/11

WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to All Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

Karaoke 9-Close w/ $3 Summit Taps Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, 43 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

Wednesday 11/12

SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION AMANDA BYNES

AUBREY PLAZA

Can you believe that Amanda Bynes and Aubrey Plaza are connected in 6 steps? It's so crazy! Do you know how? Tweet us your answers or send us the breakdown at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

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ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 6 ou

1) History: What conflict between the House of York and the House of Lancaster occurred in England between 1455 and 1487? 2) Economics: What is the term for a sustained increase in the price of goods and services in an economy?

ANGELA, ELYSIAN LEASING MANAGER

6) Candy: What candy is offered in variations including, Crunchy, Peanut Butter Lovers, and Half-Pound Cup? 7) Weather: When occurring in the Pacific Ocean, what are hurricanes called?

3) Animals: What bird, with up to a 12-foot wingspan, has the world’s largest?

8) Reality TV: What The Real World companion TV show ran on MTV from 1995-2007?

4) American Cities: What south central state capital is nicknamed “The Big Friendly”?

9) Awards: What awards ceremony bestows a full-size surfboard trophy on its winners?

5) Religion: What high-ranking Buddhist official has oftentimes also led the Tibetan government?

10) Music: What rock band’s logo features a skull with a lightning bolt in it?

Angela’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) A battle between two kings 2) Economic Growth 3) Albatross 4) Oklahoma City 5) No idea 6) Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups 7) Typhoon 8) Pimp My Ride? 9) Teen Choice Awards 10) Grateful Dead

1) A War of the Roses 2) Inflation 3) Albatross 4) Oklahoma City 5) Dalai Lama 6) Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups 7) Typhoon 8) Road Rules 9) Teen Choice Awards 10) Grateful Dead

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

STRIPPING THE COLD

OLD-SCHOOL SANDWICH

Alright, it’s officially November, guys. It’s going to get colder than you can even imagine sometime soon, so you may as well make a game out of it while you freeze your ass off. This one’s pretty simple. The goal is to see how many layers you can remove due to your level of intoxication. Easy right? Not so fast...

If you’re the type of person who becomes a child when you get too drunk, this week’s recipe is for you. Even the mature drunks can appreciate the sentiment of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so loosen up and enjoy this classic drunk treat with a few added extras.

What You’ll Need: Your grandmother to take you shopping for winter clothes, the strength to zip two coats over one another, a liver that will risk everything to keep your body warm. Number of Players: Head-to-head challenges require at least two players, personal record challenges require just one. Level of Intoxication: Enough to think this is a good idea in below zero weather. How to Play: - First, you’ll need to check the temperature outside to know where you’re starting. - Bundle up good, buck’o! Throw on as many layers as possible (mark down how many articles of clothing you have on). - Begin drinking and sweating from all the clothes you foolishly put on. - When you believe you’re drunk enough, head outside and begin taking layers off. - Continue to remove layers until you either unknowingly freeze or strip completely naked.

What You’ll Need: Peanut butter, jelly, bread, your desired toppings (we enjoy bananas, more peanuts, Oreos – yes, OREOS). Fatty Factor: You’ll feel like an overweight baby forced to stay in the hospital for three extra weeks to shed some weight. Let’s Get Baked: - Stumble on over to the kitchen and grab a plate. - Get your bread ready (classic preparation here, just lay it on the plate ya’ fool!) - After you miss the plate, pick your bread up off the floor and slap some peanut butter and jelly on it. - Gobble down three spoonfuls of peanut butter and try to say the alphabet backwards to all your friends. - What did you used to put in your lunchbox in grade school? Throw it on the sandwich. - You might end up with a bunch of weird stuff on your sandwich – gummy bears, half a Lunchable, Kit Kats, you name it. Just swallow it, you won’t regret it.

The Game Ends When: You realize you’ve just been tricked into playing a game where you end up naked in public.

Didn’t that take you back? Now be careful. While you’re feeling overwhelmed with this nostalgia, you can’t turn into a mess of emotions and begin telling everyone you love them. Just whisper it to your sandwich there – it’s the best listener of all.

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In case you haven’t heard, this fall’s television lineup is atrocious. It’s drawn about as much interest as Santa Claus hulahooping in the nude. Actually, that sounds riveting. The ratings have been practically nonexistent, especially for the new shows. Luckily, due to these shows having extremely vague and terrible names, they can be completely transformed without having to change the title. Have no fear, network executives, The Black Sheep is here to save television. Keep in mind that a couple million viewers is not a lot. For context, Sunday Night Football averages over 21 million viewers and The Big Bang Theory (which is awful) averages over 20 million viewers.

Red Band Society Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on FOX

Summary: Red Band Society follows a group of teenagers who, due to various ailments, are living at the hospital. This includes a (lucky for him) comatose narrator, two cancer patients, a bitchy cheerleader who needs a new heart (Oh, the symbolism), a girl with an eating disorder, and (shocker) a sassy, older black woman with a heart of gold who acts as both a nurse and a spiritual guide. Ratings: Since opening at 4.1 million viewers (1.3 rating) for the pilot, the show’s viewership has dropped each

Ratings: Despite relatively good ratings, viewership has dropped from 14.75 million in the pilot

Summary: The father of an upper-middle-class black family living in the predominantly white suburbs struggles to find a cultural identity for his increasingly “white-acting” family. Essentially, the father acts out what a white person does when accused of racism, such as trying to desperately to find his kids more black friends or dressing them in a dashiki and attempting tribalsounding drum music.

to 11.71 at the present. How to Fix It: The female Secretary of State tries to balance her demanding job as one of the most important people in the world with her lucrative job as a madam at the world’s most successful brothel. She knows that she should quit the brothel, but it’s what allowed her the income to get into politics in the first place. To make matters worse, the DIA is on her tail and if her side job is found out, she’ll lose everything. It’s like Weeds, but the stakes are infinitely higher.

Summary: John Mulaney is a young comedian who, along with his two best friends and roommates, one male and one female, try to make it in the toughest city in the world. Also there to help is Mulaney’s wacky neighbor. Sound familiar? That’s because it’s Seinfeld. Seriously, it’s just modern Seinfeld, but not funny. Ratings: It is averaging a pathetic 2.3 million viewers.

Jane the Virgin • Mondays at 9 p.m. on The CW Summary: Jane, a teenage, religious Latina, has decided to save herself for marriage, only to be accidentally artificially inseminated by her doctor. I don’t think any snide remarks need to be added to this one. The premise is bad enough already. Ratings: The most recent episode had 1.03 million viewers (try not to laugh.) How to Fix It: Growing up in ancient Egypt among the pharaohs, Jane tries tows the line

Selfie Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC

between her promise to her family (and the sun god Amon-Ra) to stay pure until marriage, and her desire to not be sacrificed to the Tefnut, liongod of water, amongst the worst drought in the history of the Egyptian Empire. Little does she know, she has gained the interest of a young Egyptian Prince who wishes to one day marry her… Moses.

Summary: Eliza, a social media fiend and popular personality, is ruined after an embarrassing selfie goes viral. In order to save her image, she hires a self-image marketing expert who reluctantly agrees despite his utter annoyance at everything she does. Essentially, it’s every single show ever made where two opposite personalities clash, except they think if they add enough social media references, young people will watch it. Apparently this is not the case. Ratings: After debuting at 5.31 million viewers, those figures

How to Fix It: Instead of red hospital bands, the show follows a group of secret Nazis living in post-World War II America. They wear their red swastika bands under their clothes and attempt to overthrow the American government. At least when these Nazis are inevitably found out and killed, it won’t be as depressing as when a teenager dies in the show’s original format.

Black-ish • Wednesdays at 9:30 p.m. on ABC

Madam Secretary • Sundays at 8 p.m. on CBS Summary: Following the death of her predecessor, a woman tries to balance her new job as the Secretary of State with her personal life as a wife and mother of two children. How edgy and original! A woman as the Secretary of State? That would never happen, except for in three out of the last six in America. Maybe this show would have been better received in 1980, when it would have been unheard of.

week until episode four, which had 2.92 million viewers (0.9 rating).

Ratings: Despite a solid showing in the pilot at 11.04 million, its viewership has since dropped drastically to a meager 6.93 million. How to Fix It: A struggling actor finds the role of a lifetime, except that it calls for a black actor and he is white. Instead of giving up, the protagonist attempts to gain the role while in blackface, only to realize that getting the role was the easy part. He spends the rest of the series trying to blend in with the black community and keep the ruse going. Essentially, a racial Mrs. Doubtfire.

How To Fix It: Instead of attempting to make a show out of this horrible mess, just literally air Seinfeld, which had 76.3 million viewers in its last episode, which is slightly less than thirty-five (freakin’ thirty-five) times the viewers Mulaney gets each week. Even though they probably won’t be able to get them to make new episodes, just air reruns like TBS does for 20 out of the 24 hours a day. Then at least you won’t have wasted as much time and money on something that’s already been done.

Mulaney Sundays at 9:30 p.m. on FOX

Bad Judge • Thursdays at 9 p.m. on NBC Summary: Rebecca Wright is a judge. But that’s not all. She’s also a heavy-drinking, promiscuoussex-having, and scofflawing mess in her personal life. Oh, we get it. Because she’s a judge, so she is supposed to be able to make good judgments, but she isn’t. Plus, since we’re watching the show, it will really be the viewer who is judging her. How clever. Ratings: Viewership has fallen from 5.84 million to 4.39 million.

How to Fix It: Judge Reinhold, the older brother from Fast Times At Ridgemont High and the close talker from Seinfeld, has come on hard times due to his recently-stagnat acting career. In an act of desperation, he decides to become a male prostitute. After initial struggles, he finds that there are a plethora of middle-aged women willing to pay nearly any price to feel like they are in the 80s and young again; and sleeping with him does exactly that. Everything is going great until, in a very 80s plot twist, he contracts AIDS, which puts his livelihood, and morals, to the test.

have dropped to 3.82 million weekly. How to Fix It: An elderly man who is lonely after being widowered by his late wife decides to enlist his young neighbor to teach him how to use technology in order to make new friends and find a new, younger wife. Over the course of their teachings, a bond is formed between the two neighbors, who begin to manipulate their technological prowess to trick beautiful women into going out with them, mostly through the use of cleverly-angled and extremely-filtered selfies.

Know Your Album covers

THE BACK PAGE

Do you know all 9 of these album covers? Email us at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win a prize!

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