The Black Sheep
c a l f r e e. ori ..lik e s. e 3 hap 000 py del tha ici nks ous giv ing !
Vol. 5, Issue 12
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
11/21/13 - 12/5/13
Paul Bunyan: the Original Pilgrim BY: Cora Neisen As Thanksgiving approaches and talk of pilgrims, turkey, and your drunk uncle increases, a conspiracy theory involving Minnesota heartthrob Paul Bunyan has surfaced. Previously thought to be a Minnesota native, The Black Sheep has done some digging, and a new theory stating that Paul Bunyan was actually a pilgrim has been gaining attention. Similar to the Abe Lincoln-JFK conspiracy, we’ve found some striking similarities between Paul Bunyan and the pilgrims. After much research, discussion, and illegal drug use, historians have determined that the biggest clue is Paul Bunyan’s beard. Although one could argue that many historical figures have beards, Tim McNacy, Ph.D in Historical Beard Analysis, confirms that Paul Bunyan’s facial hair very closely resembles those little numbers the pilgrims sported. “Coincidentally, Paul Bunyan and the pilgrims exhibited facial hair resembling a drunk, homeless man living under the I-94 exit ramp by the Sculpture Garden,” McNacy said. After more research, it’s been determined by the very same homeless man residing under the I-94 Bridge that Paul Bunyan was, in fact, a pilgrim. After alerting The Black Sheep of this discovery, the homeless man spewed out a confusing comment about Cheez-Its and Prince. Historians have found gaping holes in the story—nay, tale—of the pilgrims.
McNacy presents his case: “Hasn’t anyone noticed that all the stories about Thanksgiving end with the pilgrims having a riproaring time with the Indians?” Using a soil-testing device and a whole lot of marijuana, The Black Sheep has determined that the famous first steps on “Plymouth Rock” were actually on the frostbitten ground of Plymouth, MN. Following these findings, The Black Sheep hosted a press conference out of an ice fishing tent to explain the significance of their findings. “We’re committed to giving you accurate, knowledgeable, and reliable information,” noted our spokesperson, that homeless guy, wearing a stolen Goldie costume,.“After much research and animal whispering with Babe the Blue Ox, we’ve determined that Paul Louis Bunyan was a pilgrim.” Amid gasps from the audience, accompanied by menacing music playing in the background, it was stated that, “We plan to convert the land of mini vans, soccer moms, and overpriced cheese, AKA Plymouth, MN, into a Paul Bunyan sanctuary. We propose to erect a 150-foot wax statue of Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox, with everything to scale, and we mean everything. We’re prepared to tear down the McDonalds off Bass Lake Road if need be, because a larger-than-life wax statue takes precedent.” The audience was reminded of the countless similarities between Paul Bunyan and the pilgrims. “We want to reiterate the fact that this is not something we
made up at three o’clock in the morning while stumbling home from Blarney’s. When looking at the facial hair and the historic record of Plymouth, it’s uncanny. If that’s not enough evidence for you, we encourage you to watch our hastily assembled full-length Lifetime Channel feature premiering this Thanksgiving,
entitled The Lumberjack Who Lied: Why Paul Bunyan Was Actually a Pilgrim, airing at 9/8 central. The Black Sheep is receiving a lot of criticism from actual “historians”, who have degrees from the University of I’m Boring (UIB) and Textbooks Are Cool State
(TACS), regarding this new theory. We’re not going to tell you how to live your life, but we’ll let you decide for yourself whether or not you’ve been given the complete Paul Bunyan story (available for three payments of $49.95 at some fancy store in MOA), and if he did, in fact, wear as much plaid as the rumors say.
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The Thanksgiving Mascots
Kanye West shows up at Family Thanksgiving
A New Era in Pranking: antipranking
OUr rundown on your potential FoodForging Heroes.
he Voice of Our Generation makes a sarcastic wish come true.
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The greatest of all ironies in comedic pranking.
>>
Meet the Staff <<
Campus manager Liandra Sy
Campus director Brendan Bonham
Advertising Managers Ryan Betz
owner Atish Doshi
Writers Alexandra Adams, Megan Felz Heather Berglund, Cora Neisen, David Zirinsky, Mathew Kennedy Jake Giebel
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
Social media manager Alexandra Adams
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Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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The Thanksgiving Mascots By: Heather Berglund Thanksgiving is the glorious time of year when you can stuff yourself silly until you’re almost ready to puke. Then, miraculously, twenty minutes later you’re inhaling your aunt’s subpar pumpkin pie with the gleeful smile of a person recently out of a hunger strike. It’s also the only day where everyone thinks eating dinner at 2p.m. is socially acceptable. However, unlike Christmas or Easter, Thanksgiving, unfortunately, has no mascot, no cartoonish herald to usher in a first-ballot member of the holiday hall of fame. This is the biggest injustice since Trix cereal changed the fruit shapes into stupid-ass flavorless balls of nothing. So, to add to the festivity, The Black Sheep took the responsibility of coming up with some Thanksgiving mascots that would even the score.
“Thanksgiving should have a mascot as official as Christmas has Santa Claus and Starbucks has white girls in Uggs.” Tina the Turkey: Tina the Turkey waddles awkwardly around dropping eggs filled with cranberry sauce on all of your furniture. It seems like it would be a fun idea, but in reality those eggs are like the sweaters that your grandmother gets you every year come Christmas: the first couple are great, and the next four hundred are just a waste, because you already have two to fulfill your grandmotherly-sweater quota… for the year. Gravy Garrett: Socially awkward, Gravy Garrett will come to Thanksgiving with your family only to sweat so hardcore that he covers everything in salty gravy very reminiscent of the sweat a freshman perspires on his first date with a college girl. Garrett is the most awkward and uncomfortable of all the mascots, but sometimes you don’t mind him because your mother makes such dry turkey that it needs a hefty dose of Garrett’s Gravy (no innuendo intended).
Patrice the Pumpkin: Patrice the Pumpkin spends Thanksgiving Day and night making funny faces at the whole family while rotting internally. The smell of Patrice helps everyone’s stomach stay uneasy so no one overeats. Patrice is as much a hero as a villain, because although no one likes the feeling of a stomach constricting with the horrible feeling of being too full, Thanksgiving is the one day where we can overeat without feeling bad about ourselves, and to prohibit that is just anti-American.
Bruce the Brussels Sprout: Bruce the Brussels Sprout is like the anti-Santa Claus. He is the Thanksgiving mascot you don’t want around, because he sticks in your teeth and ruins your date. He always manages to show up at the worst time, right before you’re about to dig into your gravy-slathered mashed potatoes, and somehow convinces your mother that you need to eat copious amounts of him before anything else at the dinner, thus ruining your appetite. You hate Bruce the Brussels Sprout, but you, alas, love him because of the Thanksgiving symbolism he possesses.
Peter the Pilgrim: Peter the Pilgrim enters your house, kills your family, and takes your land. He is the most universally well-known and loved of all the Thanksgiving mascots because of his charming personality and his ability to woo even the most stubborn families. Granted, The Black Sheep’s brainstorm session has its flaws, but we think we’re on the right track. Thanksgiving should have a mascot as official as Christmas has Santa Claus and Starbucks has white girls in Uggs. And we will do whatever it takes to make that happen.
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The
Top
Ten
Last Minute Excuses Not to go Home for Thanksgiving By: David Zirinsky
Social norms dictate thats you’re required to see your family over Thanksgiving, but sometimes chilling on your futon while binging on ice cream take precedent. So, The Black Sheep is here to provide you with some creative excuses to convince your family that you really want to be home this Thanksgiving, but you have to babysit your refrigerator or do some blacksmithing instead. 10.) Freak Snow Storm: While people often say that the weather is bad, Minnesotans pride themselves on just dealing with it. We’re like the Irish, we don’t complain about our problems though we’ve had considerably fewer potato famines. But alas, sometimes we have a freak snow storm that’s large enough to collapse the Metrodome a second time. “Sadly,” you’ll have to eat a frozen dinner in your apartment. 9.) School: Let’s be honest, this excuse is never true. Fabricate a last-minute Wednesday afternoon make up exam that you just can’t miss. Your parents are paying so much for school already, so they’ll understand that you just want a few days in peace to cuddle up with your overpriced Apple electronics to watch Netflix.
Kanye West Makes Appearance at Minnesota Family Thanksgiving By: Mathew Kennedy In what could only be described as an absolute blessing for everyone involved, the Miller family was given a treat on Thanksgiving Day. After Jacob Miller, age 15, tweeted at rap star Kanye West as a joke, his family’s life changed forever.
is about thanking you for everything good in the world. So I would like to thank you for Kanye. Kanye is the most important thing in Kanye’s life, and I owe you one for making Kanye, Kanye. In Yeezus’s name we pray. Amen.”
“Yo @KanyeWest if you are trying to eat Thanksgiving dinner you should stop by my house! You’re basically Jesus with a paintball gun, and there’s nothing better than that!”
The family admitted to feeling uncomfortable with the gap of culture between West’s Hollywood lifestyle and small-town Minnesota. They all made awkward eye contact, threw in an “Uffda, amen” and the meal was underway.
The tweet was sent early on Thursday morning. Jacob admits that he wasn’t expecting anything out of it. “I honestly tweet at him a few times a day. He doesn’t really ever respond to me or anything, but it’s fine. I usually take out my anger by un-alphabetizing all of the chemicals that the dorks in Chem Club use.” The Millers, who live in Stillwater, Minnesota, were shocked when West arrived at the house unexpectedly. “We knew something was up when we saw a Lamborghini, bustin’ some “Black Skinhead” shit out of the speakers, speed into the driveway,” Diane Miller recalled, “We just instantly knew, Yeezy season was on us.” West entered the house and made a b-line for the table. “Kanye is trying to get some good food!” West said as he entered the house. He gave his luggage to Diane Miller as he took his rightful spot at the head of the table. Before dinner began, Kanye adorned the table with the following prayer: “Dear God…what’s up bruh? It’s Kanye. Usually when Kanye hits you up, it’s because he wants some shit. Well Kanye ain’t gonna pull that shit right now. Today
8.) Pets: Did your parents know you had an apartment beta fish? They do now, because it’s terminally ill and you need to be there for its last moments. RIP Earl the Beta Fish. 7.) That Damn Student Group: Remember when you joined that group so you could put something on your resume? Well you didn’t realize that they had a mandatory Thanksgiving service project. Looks like the family will have to put up with photos of you operating power tools while they munch on their great food. 6.) You Can’t Get to the Airport: It’s a law of nature: every year some out of state student can’t figure out public transit. They won’t realize where the light rail is, and end up in a weird part of Rosedale. They’ll miss their flight and with that their chances of going back home. 5.) Meeting Your Crazy Girlfriend’s Family: Five days before Thanksgiving she demands that you meet her family. You’ll try to avoid it, but will end up caving in order to keep your fledging relationship together. Then, in two weeks, when she breaks up with you after an innocent tweet about the Kardashians, you’re going to wish you had your aunt’s cold mashed potatoes to comfort you. 4.) Ya’ Had to Stay on the St. Paul Campus: Everyone knows that St. Paul is a black hole that no one leaves. It’s wishful thinking to even attempt to bust out of that joint. While others may be eating turkeys you’ll be looking at one for your agronomy lab. Happy Thanksgiving.
“There were some things he did that, well, they weren’t very Christian. He seems a bit…I dunno how to say it…into himself?” Jane Miller said, “There were just a few things he did that weren’t Minnesota Nice.” West reportedly did some things throughout the afternoon that displayed an air of cockiness. For instance, halfway through the third quarter of the Packers-Lions game, West demanded that the family pause the game while he went to visit the shrine for himself that he had in his car. When West returned from the bathroom, he continued to go on about stories about how he gave copies of Yeezus to homeless people. At the end of the day, while the family was about to cut into their pumpkin pie, Kanye was described as “disrespectful” as he requested the pie be redone and sculpted in the image of Kanye himself. “Kanye is still hungry because that dry-ass turkey sucked, and no amount of your bland, chunky gravy could ever satisfy Kanye.” As he left, he demanded that the grandmother of the family tied his shoes for him. After that, he was unceremoniously dismissed from the Miller residence. At the end of the day, West left, declaring that the pilgrims had the best Thanksgiving dinner of all time.
3.) Your Diet: Minnesotans are known for many things, being slim is not one of them. Tell your family that your diet can’t handle all the food from Thanksgiving. This is the Midwest! Everyone is somehow overweight here! 2.) Some Medical Reason: Plenty of people have legitimate medical problems. You do not. You’re in your twenties and are super healthy. However, you’re a college student who has faked his way out of class on many an occasion. Just, uh, tell your mom you’re depressed that grandma died… again. 1.) Stuck Holding the Door: You held open the door for someone at Coffman and you’ve been stuck there ever since. You feel too awkward to go in, as your Minnesota Nice instincts continue to take over. You’re never going to leave the door as people keep saying “thank you” in their damn Minnesotan accent. Perhaps you should have gone to school in New Jersey.
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Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets What fictional President of the United States would you most want heading our country? Why?
an Ben, Freshm
“Radagast from The Hobbit, because I really think this country could follow his lifestyle.”
man Kur t, Fresh
“Dumbledore, because he looks like a frickin’ president.”
an Cam, Freshm
“Aragorn, because he is a born leader.”
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How to Fool Everyone into Believing You’re Put Together When Actually You’re a Mess By: Alexandra Adams The journey home for Thanksgiving is always a mixed bag. You’ll finally eat something more balanced than dining hall pizza or ramen noodles. Plus, it’s nice to sleep in the comfort of your old bed (and possibly also sleep with the comfort of an old high school flame). But, as the horrors of SnapChat have taught us, all benefits have consequences. Thanksgiving break has plenty of imminent issues. Namely, trying to act like you’re doing wonderfully when in reality, you’re just a complete fucking trainwreck. Take a step back, breathe into a paper bag, stuff yourself with comfort food, and remember that everyone has this little crisis at some point. Going home for Thanksgiving means that your family can bombard you with impossible questions like it’s Zero Dark Thirty. Maybe you’ve gained the freshman 15, or freshman 20, or junior 10 (that one is exclusively in alcohol weight). Perhaps you still don’t know what your major is. You might have even decided to become a street artist rather than a doctor, lawyer, or business executive. The most important thing to do is to lie. Lie your freaking face off. If there’s anything the American media has taught us, it’s that if you look good, people will also assume your life is good. So gentlemen, this may be the day
you have to give up on No Shave November. Honestly, half of that beard is a monstrously different length than the other side anyway. Plus, there are quite a few bald spots scattered about. Grandpa doesn’t want to see you looking like a scruffy little imp, so hit the razor. That way none will be the wiser of how frequently you have leftover Cowboy Jack’s and beer foam in your whiskers. Ladies, dry shampoo will be your best friend. Sure, you could take a real shower, but that would be wasting incredibly valuable “sitting on the couch and taking advantage of your loving parents” time. But if you currently live in the dorms you should take a bunch of showers, as this short break will be your only available hot, soft water source until Christmas. If you look pretty clean, your family will have no way of knowing that normally you look like a pajama-clad street rat Sunday through Wednesday and an over-made-up super-skank on Thursday through Saturday. Keeping your bad hygiene a secret is the easiest way to look like your shit is together. After guaranteeing a reasonable appearance, make sure you’ve got a good answer to any given question. Let’s say your Uncle Manny has just asked you
how your academics are going. Instead of blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, such as “FINE,” “okay,” or “academic-y,” have something sensible prepared. “How are my academics going? Why uncle, they are going wonderfully. We just learned about something called taxonomic nomenclature in a biology lecture I definitely went to.” See? Isn’t that better? You can do that same thing for any question: “Do I
have a girlfriend? I’m really just too busy focusing on my college career. It’s not like I got brutally dumped over a text message at 2a.m. or something…” And there you go. As long as you have some plans and half-assed prior grooming, you should be more than able to keep your family’s faith in you as you eat as much prairie bird as you want. Just some simple forethought can trick everyone into believing that your shit is totally locked down.
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
THE GOOSE IS LOOSE ALL NOVEMBER LONG! $1 OFF GREY GOOSE DRINKS $4 14OZ GOOSE ISLAND 312 $5 20OZ GOOSE ISLAND 312
SATURDAY: 9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
WEDNESDAY: Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)
Thursday 11/21
COLLEGE THURSDAYS 8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers $1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco
9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.
Friday 11/22
8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm - Close $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Saturday 11/23
8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Sunday 11/24
Closed on Sundays
10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close
Monday 11/25
Mason Jar Monday 8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Light Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
Tuesday 11/26
8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)
8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints
Wednesday 11/27
8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys
8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s
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WEDNESDAY: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies
18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am
WED: No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
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No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)
Thursday 11/21
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am La Femme: 8pm - 1am Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Friday 11/22
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Saturday 11/23
No Cover! Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close $4 Miller Lite Tall Boys during every Minnesota Pro Baseball game
Sunday 11/24
Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Service Industry Night! Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Show pay-stub from your bar or Come experience the 90s in itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs club and get free cover!
College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new! Free buffet starts at halftime of Monday Night Football!
NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Karaoke: 10pm - 2am
NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)
Monday 11/25
Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!
18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am
No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)
Tuesday 11/26
18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!
No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
Wednesday 11/27
Amateur Night: Watch your sexy $2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm coeds on stage for the first time Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: compete for $200! $2 Select Beers & Drinks Contest Starts at 11:30pm 1/2 Price Select Apps Open to all Ladies
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A New Era in Pranking: Anti-Pranks By: Jake Giebel Throughout time, college roommates have pulled some pretty stellar pranks on each other. As much as The Black Sheep loves pranks, it’s time to revolutionize the whole pranking thing. Word on the street is that anti-pranking your roommates is 19.5 times better than pulling any kind of weird shaving cream prank. Instead of ruining their day or making a mess, do something that completely contradicts what’s considered a normal prank. Do things that your roommate would never expect; like things that will leave him with a look on his face that can only mean he’s in complete shock. We’re here to teach you how to pull some anti-pranks that’ll leave your victim more confused than a Spanish major sitting in a German class. An easy move for beginners, spend an entire week greeting your roommates literally the second they get up in the most cheerful, playful mood you’ve ever expressed in your life (bonus points for not blinking). Proceed to happily make them breakfast and act like it’s not a big deal at all. Demand she get back in bed to relax while you serve her poached eggs on wheat toast. Go all out, we’re talking the real deal: eggs, bacon, funny face pancakes, juice that isn’t expired-Christ Tim, we bought that the week we moved in-and maybe a cute note telling him to have a good
day. When he asks you why you’re doing it, just act like it never even happened. Why stop there? One day, while your roommate’s at his History of Play-Doh class (not to be confused with Plato), do his entire load of laundry and leave it immaculately folded in his room. Leave a note on the pile of laundry that says “Karma ; ) <3 Scott” and let him figure out what he did in a past life to have a roommate as awesome as you. Again, it’s very important that your roommate not think you’re doing this for any sort of nefarious or ironic reason. Once he gets back and sees the gift that’ll keep on giving, just calmly compliment his clothes, “Brian, wow, I just really wanted to say I think you have a really uncanny eye for choosing colors that match your skin tone. Everything there is just so you.” He’ll think he’s in some sort of warped acid dream. If you really want to get creative, find a picture of your roommate that’s fitting for an inspirational quote. A picture of her going studiously about her day is best. This should look like a stock image come to life. Blow it up so that it’s basically a life-size poster. Put a quote underneath said picture, like “Never give up” or “Don’t forget the bananas.” It’ll be sure to get a couple
giggles, and could even go viral and become the next Rage Face or Awkward Penguin meme.
felt since Cindy Waltham gave him doe eyes in the 6th grade.
Aside from being on the wrong end of a Dutch oven, there isn’t anything worse than getting in your car and seeing you have no gas. You’ve gotten to the point where it makes more sense to invest in a horse to ride around than to fill up your car for upwards of $40.00 (and your soul) every week. So, because horses are pretty pricy, instead fill up your roommate’s car with that petrol. Your roommate will get in the car and get those warm n’ fuzzies that he hasn’t
Whether or not you and your roommates are best friends or just laser tag partners, any of these anti pranks are great ways to put them eternally in your debt. And that’s the long play here, the anti-prank sees you doing your housemate a solid without any (obvious) ulterior motivation at all, because one day you’ll need him to do something for you, and he’ll never see it coming. The anti-prank, you see, works on many levels.
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e G GAMES Th IN K IN R D | PECIALS | BAR S ARTICLES
Are You Smarter
than?
1) Environment: A big worry in the 1980s and 1990s, a hole in the ozone layer was discovered over this continent. 2) Cars: The recently-released C7 is the 7th generation of what iconic car? 3) Miscellaneous: A four-sided die is this shape. 4) History: He was the first person is recorded history to circumnavigate the globe. 5) Movies: Amblin’ was the directorial debut of what modern super-director?
The Easter Bunny
Drinking Game
6) Comics: Bill Watterson is the creator behind this much-loved comic. 7) Politics: What larger-than-life politician recently won re-election as Governor of New Jersey. 8) Religion: Current leader of the Catholic Church Pope Francis hails from what country? 9) Beer: IBU measures the bitterness in beer, which is provided by this. 10) Philosophy: This form of philosophy argues that life is without meaning or point, man.
Bunny’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Europe 2) Corvette 3) Cube 4) Magellan 5) James Cameron 6) Bazooka Joe 7) To hell if I know 8) Argentina 9) Hops 10) Introspectivism
1) Antarctica 2) Corvette 3) Pyramid/triangle 4) Ferdinand Magellan 5) Steven Spielberg 6) Calvin & Hobbes 7) Chris Christie 8) Argentina 9) Hops 10) Nihilism
Bunny’s Score: 4 out of 10
Recipe for disaster
Happy Shotsgiving (and Taking)
Cranberry Apple Crisp
Not all families are totally cool with the whole “drinking during family parties” thing. If you’re stuck in one of those families, there’s still a way to get your buzz on discreetly with a cousin or two.
Thanksgiving dinner has many staple items that everyone seems to look forward to every year—stuffing, pumpkin pie, the turkey (duh) and cranberry sauce. This season, make your own variation on that last one with this recipe we found for Cranberry Apple Crisp.
What You’ll Need: A bottle of Wild Turkey (or anything you’re interested in taking shots or sips of ) and a boat full of gravy. Number of Players: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: Depends on how wacko your family members are. How to Play: - Take a shot of the Wild Turkey/beer/whatever every time one of these things happen: - That notoriously weird relative does something notoriously weird. - Someone asks, “Do you want light or dark meat?” - Your little cousin complains about eating vegetables. - Someone makes a sex joke about stuffing the turkey. - A balloon blows away during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. - Your football team of choice scores a touchdown. - Someone asks you how long you’re home from school or if you have any job prospects. - You eat so many appetizers you feel stuffed before dinner is served. - The host forgets a dish in the oven and never gets to serve it. - Someone asks for a recipe of someone else’s dish. - Take a shot of the gravy every time one of these things happen: - You take a shot of alcohol that just doesn’t sit right. - You want to grab some more dessert but feel really guilty about it. - Someone leaves early to start Black Friday shopping. - The underdog football team wins. - Someone says you look like you’ve gained or lost weight.
What You’ll Need: 3 cups chopped/peeled tart apples, 2 cup fresh or frozen cranberries, 1 cup sugar, 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour, 1 and 1/2 cups quick-cooking oats, 1/2 cup flour, 1/2 cup brown sugar, 1/2 cup melted butter, and 1/4 cup chopped pecans. Cook Time: Just over an hour Fatty Factor: It was on Pinterest; none of that shit is healthy. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. - Grab a bowl and combine the apples, cranberries, sugar and flour. - Grease an 11-inch by 7-inch baking dish and pour in the mixed ingredients. - Mix the oats, flour, brown sugar, melted butter and chopped pecans in another bowl. - Sprinkle these ingredients on top of the dish as a topping. - Bake it for 50-55 minutes or until the fruit is tender. Bring it over to your girlfriend’s house for Thanksgiving and make her family love you … and make yours jealous you’d never do anything like that for them.
The Game Ends When: Everyone goes home, or you’re in the bathroom puking up the delicious meal you just consumed.
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Guess The Label
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Synonyms For Drunk
Blacked Out Blitzed Bombed Hammered Inebriated
Intoxicated Juiced Liquored Up Loaded Obliterated
Plastered Plowed Ripped Sauced Shit Faced
Sloshed Smashed Tanked Tipsy Wasted
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