Minny Spring Issue 12 by The Black Sheep

Volume 8

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

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Issue 12

SPRING JAM™ MASCOT ANNOUNCED OVER SNAPCHAT Olivia Scott wrote this

After announcing a Spring Jam lineup full of virtually unknown performers, SUA has been trying new strategies to get students excited about the U of M’s annual music festival. In a tragedy of a PR campaign, SUA announced over Snapchat that they were adding a new Spring Jam mascot named…wait for it… “Mr. Spring Jam.” With the use of perhaps the most painful pun in human history, Mr. Spring Jam appears to be a metal spring with cartoon eyes sitting in a jar of jam. The person responsible for the new mascot is Bryan Craigston, a high school junior taking classes at the U of M, with hopes to eventually join the Carlson School of Management. “Bryan emailed the Spring Jam planning committee every day for 2 years asking to become the new ‘Junior Marketing Brain Man’ (or social media intern if you want to get all technical),” said Mariah Lemon, president of the planning committee. “We finally gave Bryan the title he wanted in hopes that he would be less of a bother to us. I just think he’s too eager and tries way too hard — and I’m a Carlson kid!” After leading a mandatory three-hour presentation about marketing and the “emotional and spiritual value of mascots,” Bryan was put in charge of the campaign to design and announce the new mascot. “I was working night and day trying to design a mascot that had the level of recognition of Goldy and the creativity of the Blue Blob from Xavier University,” said Craigston. “It wasn’t until I broke my pen and dropped the little spring on my jelly-smeared toast that I was stuck with a genius idea. Thus, Mr. Spring Jam™ was born.” The Snapchat story began with a photo of a crudely-drawn image of what appeared to be Arthur from the beloved children’s television show. of the same name. After receiving abundant confused feedback from students, SUA tweeted saying that the drawing was actually Goldy the Gopher. The Snapchat story

continued with two clear images of the Gopher with the caption “sorry Goldy” before saying that he was being replaced by the new Spring Jam mascot. In the Snapchat story, students were encouraged to guess the identity of the new mascot based on a series of three clues. Those who guessed the identity of the new mascot correctly were entered to win a high five: SUA’s idea of a coveted prize. The clues about the identity of the new mascot were as follows: 1. A close-up image of a wire basket or cage. 2. A close-up of a red sweatshirt. 3. A close-up of a completely unknown item that had both red and silver in it. The clues given by SUA proved to be far too vague, as SUA

received no guesses as to who or what the new mascot might be. “I don’t have many friends with arms so I got really excited about the chance to be entered to win a high five,” said Mary Angus, a freshman studying English. “Unfortunately, the only thing the clues had in common with the mascot was a vague color scheme. The whole Snapchat story was a mess. They didn’t proofread a thing. On one of the Snaps they asked ‘Whose excited?’ My grammar-Nazi tendencies kicked-in, and I lost what little excitement I had in my body.” No one really knows how the unbearably lame mascot will be used at Spring Jam itself, rumors have been circulating about a potential mascot cage fight between Goldy and Mr. Spring Jam™ . Hopefully Mr. Spring Jam™ will get his ass kicked so SUA gets a hint to nix their social media interns.

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HOW TO SPRUCE UP YOUR RESUME FOR SUMMER EMPLOYMENT

INTRODUCING UMN’S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELORS

NIC CAGE UNDERSTANDS YOUR FINALS STRUGGLES

IT’S NOT REALLY LYING IF YOU BELIEVE IT, RIGHT?

FOR REAL, YOU’LL GET TURNED ON FROM THEIR PICTURES. AND THEIR WORDS!

APRIL 15TH 2015 - APRIL 22ND 2015

NIC CAGE CAN HELP YOU THROUGH FINALS MORE THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE.

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

COCKFLOCKED When your wingmen all help a brother out and you get mad chicks.

IVY SHERWOOD

Last night I couldn’t keep the ladies off me, man! I was cockflocked, I was banging girls all night.

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

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THE DOS AND DON’TS OF DRINKING GAMES: AN ETIQUETTE GUIDE Staff wrote this

For years, old geezers everywhere have harped on the younger generations for being rude, uncivilized little pricks, and that’s without ever witnessing a Friday night pre-game party in a college town. While not as celebrated or scrutinized as professional athletes, participants in drinking games similarly need to ensure they hold themselves to a higher standard. Use these drinking game Dos and Don’ts to guide you during competition. Do: Stay focused. Nothing kills the mood of a drinking game more than needing to constantly remind someone it’s his turn. Pre-game time is precious; it shan’t be wasted bombarding your friends with Snapchats or ordering Mesa. Don’t: Be a sore loser. Sure, it may be the booze talking, but if you’re willing to “take this outside” because your roommate has better fine motor skills than you, your parents were probably the type to cuss out Little League umpires. Do: Talk trash. Drinking games are the perfect time to bring out your inner Richard Sherman, as trash talking can liven up any game. That being said, we’re all Gophers here, so keep it within reason; unless you’re facing a Badger, then all bets are off.

Don’t: Be a dick to your teammates. You don’t see Kyle Rau scold Mike Kelly when he misses an open shot, do you? Instead, he picks him up, pats him on the back, wipes the spittle off his mouth and hands him another beer. It’s what teammates are for. Do: Respect house rules. We don’t care if you have played no re-racks since your days on the kindergarten playground, the fact that you or one of the 100 other drunk-asses in our house will probably ravage through our fridge and poop in our shower is entitlement enough. It’s like going to Europe and insisting they should call “futbol” soccer instead, because ‘Merica. Don’t: Forget to cheers. Not known by many, the subtle sign of clinking your glass to another’s was used in Revolutionary America to differentiate fellow revolutionaries from the British loyalists. While this fact is 101% false, it’s at least a nice gesture to share before you and your friends’ mutual intoxication and has inspired some of the most moving, incoherent speeches to date. Do: Leave the table if you’re going to vomit. Sure, it’s embarrassing to quickly run off to the bathroom after downing a keg cup of beer right in front of the cute guy you like, but chances are he’ll still hit on you as long you rally well. Spewing mashed-up remains of Chipotle and Coors Light

through your nostrils like an elephant all over your dress as you attempt to cover your mouth, on the other hand, might be a bit of a turn-off. Do: Feel free to team up on one player. Getting a group of friends to all shovel their allotted drinks onto one poor soul during games such as Quarters and Waterfall is a drinking game ritual, and a great way to exact revenge for past wrongdoings. It’s a cruel tactic, and it’ll probably leave the victim of it passed out in a heaping

mess in the corner with a shoe for a pillow and several Kraft singles as their blanket, but hey, you should know it’s a risk you take anytime you step to the table. Too many weekend nights have been lost and friendships destroyed over poor drinking game etiquette. Cut or print this guide out and duct tape that bad boy right next to your favorite playing field to keep everyone in line. You stay classy, Dinkytown.

JOB TIME!

HOW TO SPRUCE UP YOUR RESUME FOR SUMMER EMPLOYMENT Aron Wolde wrote this

THE TOP TEN

Artists We Would Rather See At Spring Jam YG who? Travis Porter what? This year’s Spring Jam lineup left many of us wondering what the folks over at SUA were smoking when they chose the artists to perform, as well as where we can buy some. Just in case they need some inspiration for next year’s Spring Jam, here are 10 artists The Black Sheep would rather see at Spring Jam: 10.) Your Crazy Uncle: In addition to ranting about energy lines, aliens, and the “One World Order,” your crazy uncle now thinks that he can play the banjo. He already breaks it out at every single family event, so you could easily point him in the direction of the nearest Spring Jam stage and set him loose. As a bonus you can pay him in fruit and loose cigarettes.

With summer fast approaching, the horribly boring task of updating your resume is imminent. You’ll be trying to find a job that allows for only three months employment and free weekends. Or as undergraduates call it “The Sasquatch of Jobs,” always heard of, but never seen. Here are a few tips to use so that you can find and catch that urban myth of a mildly enjoyable temporary job that still lets you get hammered on the weekends. Embellish Clubs at the U: Every Dairy Queen manager has seen a resume with a Student Council President or MNDaily Editor on it, but what they haven’t seen is a Head Fractal Organizer or a Quantum Digital Consultant. Sure, the hiring manager won’t know what it means but damn, it sure sounds impressive. Besides, it’s not like you’re going to get caught. The manager at a Dairy Queen doesn’t know many big words to begin with. Be Bilingual: ¿Como está? That’s essentially everything you need to know to technically be bilingual. Do you have a smartphone with a language app? Because that counts too. If there’s one thing you’ve learned from the language requirement in CLA is that all it takes is a translate button. De nada, amigos. Change Your Name: Resumes with white, male names get picked more often than not. Your feminist sociology professor wasn’t lying; as fucked up as this sounds, it’s statistically accurate. So if you want to get hired this summer, the best way to do it is to put a name like “John Caucasian Ihaveapenis” on your resume. Employers love the familiarity of Wonderbread whiteness and the comfort of overcompensating masculinity. Get Rid of the Small Stuff: A resume should be a quick read. People don’t want to hear about how you volunteered at some orphanage and gained memories that will last a lifetime; they want to hear about the experience you got in Coffman filing (smoking) papers behind a desk. Or as you put it: fractal organizing. Leave out Your GPA: You’re not applying to grad school; you’re applying for minimum wage to subsidize your Smirnoff fund. If you’re so desperate for scholastic approval, maybe your summer job this year should be as a student. Either way you’re going to be spending hours of your time earning something that will evaporate quicker than you can say “student loans.” Science Teaching & Student Services: That creepy building on the East Bank looks like a vintage UFO, but they’ve got some great people in there that really know how to lie on a resume. Some make you change the font and give you references for your resume like it’s an actual valuable thing. It’s essentially a push-up bra for your qualifications. Speaking of boobs, skip this tip if you’re already “well-endowed”…who needs a job when you can have a sugar daddy? So, now you know how to pimp your paper. But keep in mind that these are merely suggestions to help you get something you are probably overqualified for. And like the Wile E. Coyote who chases the Road Runner, you are destined to keep chasing the very thing you badly wish for and never get, or die comically. Either way, you’re going to be busy this summer.

9.) Hologram Tupac: Tupac is…was, awesome and holograms are dope as hell. What’s not to love? Plus, this technology could be used for years to come, or at least until the rapid pace of technological advancement allows us to actually raise our favorite rappers from the dead. 8.) Prince: Prince is a local legend, and the U should honor him with the privilege of playing at an event as distinguished as the Spring Jam. The only controversial point would be the exorbitantly high fee Prince would charge the U for his appearance. Do we look like we are made of purple, velvet money? 7.) Mimes: Mimes may not necessarily be a musical act, but how cool does a troupe of mimes dancing across the stage while EDM blares in the background during a trippy light show sound? SUA should diversify their acts and bring some mimes on board. 6.) Joe Biden: Papa Joey B. doesn’t play any music either (unless you count the sound of panties hitting the floor when he enters the room) but this granddaddy of civic service also doesn’t mess around when it comes to partying. The VEEP just may be the firecracker the U needs to spice up Spring Jam. 5.) Struggling U Music Students: Ferguson School of Music students are hungry for this type of opportunity. So hungry in fact, that when they are let loose in a green room, all the fruit and cheese platters will be decimated before you can say “never getting a job.” 4.) Homeless Minneapolis Street Musicians: These artists are ravenous for the chance to expose a wider audience to their craft. The only downside is the potential PR disaster created by rounding up a bunch of homeless people in a maroon and gold van. 3.) That One “Cool” Band You’ve Never Heard Of But Pretend To Love: With new bands popping up every day, it’s hard to stay on top of today’s musical trends. But you try really, really hard to seem hip, and it’s time that you’re rewarded for your efforts. Make sure to buy some merch so you can work that effortless sense of pretentiousness into all of your outfits. 2.) KANYE: There’s no way that we can afford to bring the undisputed God of music to the U, but if we can spend over $40,000 on Ron Paul, then maybe we can give it a shot. Just make sure to lock up the trophy cases in Mariucci because Kanye has sticky fingers for other people’s rightfully earned awards. 1.) Literally Anybody Else: Okay, let’s face it: None of us are really excited for this year’s Spring Jam lineup. We would really be up for literally anybody else to perform, or we can just take the money that we would otherwise spend on tickets and use it for something else (like a one way ticket to a real party school). Tom Wyatt-Yerka wrote this

PARTY PICS

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ON THE STREETS WHAT BUSINESS DOES THE UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA NEED? MADISON, SOPHOMORE

“Hardware store, for less expensive lightbulbs.”

MISHA, SENIOR

“A speed dating service.”

IAN, JUNIOR “Laser tag!

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Introducing: UMN’s Most Eligible Bachelors

The Black Sheep is proud to bring you the little black book of Gopher bachelors. We ask the tough questions, so you don’t have to. A date for Spring Jam is just around the corner, ladies feast your eyes on these eligible hotties. - Laura Hafes wrote this

Name: William Evans Origin: England What makes you a desirable man?: I’m in a frat. Isn’t that why we all join? So we can be socially desirable and help disguise our dry personalities? What Disney prince would you be?: Hercules because I like Greek food. Simple as that. Favorite pick up-line?: So I’ve got the dictionary tattooed on my dick, how about I put some words in your mouth? Do you have a name for your junk?: I like to call it 4G, because it doesn’t work most of the time, but when it does, oooooh those 4 seconds are sweet. If you could make your jizz taste like anything in the world, what would it be?: Tropical fruit, so it can explode with flavor when the time is right.

Name: Cameron Paul Origin: Brisbane, Australia What makes you a desirable man?: Coming from Australia, I’m no stranger to going down under. Favorite pick-up line?: To be honest, I don’t have a line. I just go to the bar, smash some ice on the ground and say “Now that the ice is broken, fancy sucking my dick?” Do you have a name for your junk? The Fisherman because I’m always har-POONing. Favorite place to have sex on campus?: Definitely the West Bank Tunnels. Seeing that painting of Goldy always speaks to me when I’m balls deep in my date. I look at Goldy as he stares back, and says, “Gopher it.” If you could make your jizz taste like anything in the world, what would it be?: Probably Mac n’ Cheese pizza from Mesa. The girls are obsessed with it out here. So maybe my dick could become the next Mesa pizza.

Name: David Kirkpatrick Origin: Detroit, USA Favorite pick-up line?: How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized? Favorite place to have sex on campus?: The Campus Connector can be pretty romantic. I like to have a view of my beautiful city whilst being sucked off on the bus. If you could ride any animal, real or fake into battle, what would it be and why?: Obviously a Gopher, is there really any other answer? Do you have a name for your junk? The Love Muscle: it’s stronger, more loving and beats faster than my heart.

Name: Harry Walker Origin: Oxford, England Favorite pick-up line?: Do you like Krispy Kreme? ‘Cause I’m gonna glaze your donut. Favorite place to have sex on campus?: East River Parkway parking garage, simply because I can play sweet tunes from my car to help set the mood. When I’m done I can drop her off back at her place, no need for cuddles. If you could ride any animal, real or fake into battle, what would it be and why?: A sloth. It would take so long to get there that by the time I got to the fight, it would be over. Would you rather have premature ejaculation and a tiny penis, but be one of the hottest men alive, or would you rather have an incredible sexual ability with a massive penis, but be a mediocre looking individual?: That is currently the situation. Please refer to my picture. Would You Rather be 3 feet shorter or 3 feet taller?: For all the ladies out there, I’m currently 6’7”, so a few inches shorter might make them happier. Unless you were referring to dick size, in which case 3 feet taller.

If you like what you see, SPEAK UP, and tweet your favorite Bachelor at @BlackSheep_UMN using the Hashtag #BlackSheepBachelors. Whether you like your eggs fertilized or fancy getting frisky on the Campus Connector, we want to hear from you! Don’t worry, these fine fellas aren’t shy.

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

Everyday Happy Hour Mon-Fri 3p-8p & Sat 2p-8p 2 for 1 on “Almost Anything” & $1 off Appetizers

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

8PM - Close: $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Wells

Karaoke Thursdays! Free Shot When You Sing Karaoke $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 U-Call-It Shots

MONDAY: “420 Smokeout” ft. The Magic Beans 18+ | $6 Adv. | $8 Door Doors 8:00PM | Music 9:00PM First Avenue & City Pages Presents: “Tales From The Sea” featuring Iration w/ Stick Figure & Hours Eastly

Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Half price bottles of wine starting at 5pm Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Thursday 4/16

(With College or Military ID. $15 Without)

Friday 4/17

8PM - Close: $4 Three Olives Specialty Drinks $2 Jager, Cherry, O-Bombs $5 3 Olives Flavored Long Islands

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

Belfast Cowboys CD Release Party w/Ol’ Yeller 18+ | $8 Adv. | $10 Door Doors 8:30PM | Music 9:30PM

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Saturday 4/18

8PM - Close: $4 Bacardi Specialty Drinks Swamp Water - Cherry Lemonade - South Beach $2 Jäger, Cherry & O-bombs

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Frogleg CD Release Party w/God Johnson & Javier Trejo & The Barrio Boys 18+ | $8 Cover | 8:00PM Door 9:00PM Music

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Sunday 4/19

Everyday Happy Hour Mon-Fri 3p-8p & Sat 2p-8p 2 for 1 on “Almost Anything” & $1 off Appetizers

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

Cody Canada & the Departed w/ Shane Martin Band 18+ | $10 Adv. | $12 Doors | Doors 7:30 PM | Music 8:30 PM

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Monday 4/20

8PM - Close: $3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double Wells $5 Bud Light Pitchers

Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!

“420 Smokeout” ft. The Magic Beans 18+ | $6 Adv. | $8 Door Doors 8:00PM | Music 9:00PM

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Tuesday 4/21

8PM - Close: $3 U-Call-It’s Rails, Calls, Taps

Wednesday 4/22

Wing Night 25¢ Wings 9pm ‘til they’re Gone $8 Bottomless Mugs $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall boys” $3 Kamikazee Shots

$2 Mini O-bombs $3 UV

Birthday Karaoke Night!

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints

Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM; 2-4-1 drinks: 4 PM-close; Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

18+ | $16 Adv. | $18 Doors Doors 7:00 PM | Music 8:00 PM

Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

$2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UMN Scan to go right to the page!

THE BAR GRID MONDAY! College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

SAT/SUN: Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $8 Fishbowls $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, 1/2 Price Wine Bottles, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

SPECIAL NIGHT

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

Rick’s Hole Club Special Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, $5 House Wine, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan 9 & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight

Thursday 4/16

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): 2-4-1 Rails and Tap Beer $8 Fishbowls $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles 7pm-Close

Friday 4/17

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $8 Fishbowls $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, 1/2 Price Wine Bottles, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

Saturday 4/18

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $8 Fishbowls $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, 1/2 Price Wine Bottles, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close

Sunday 4/19

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): 2-For 1 Rails and Tap Beer $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps $6.50 Flatbreads

Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

Monday 4/20

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, $5 House Wine, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm - Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

Tuesday 4/21

WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the ﬁrst time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to All Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, $5 House Wine, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, 43 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

Wednesday 4/22

TRUE STORY!

5 WAYS ADDERALL MAKES YOU A STUDY CHAMPION Staff wrote this

Finals week. The week where people drink gallons of coffee, sleep two hours a night, and consume Adderall from Pez dispensers. Coffee is gross and scientists say you should get at least 12 hours of sleep a night, but we all know that won’t happen, so let’s talk about Adderall. Here’s five fool-proof ways that Adderall helps you study. The Dewey Decimal System: You know how books are organized at libraries? Well on Adderall, you’re granted super-sorting abilities. You will organize everything in your apartment by color, then weight, then alphabetically, and then back to color. This new, neat-and-clean environment will really help you go about your studying in the most efficient manner possible! It will obviously still take 4 hours. This may seem like a giant waste of valuable studying time, but how much studying could you possibly do in a dirty room? You’ll thank Adderall later. You won’t waste time eating: Don’t you hate how you’re supposed to eat three times a day? Forget that food pyramid bullshit. The Adderall fairies packed all the nutrients and vitamins that you need in a day, right into one simple pill. We’re living in the future here, people. We’re

pretty sure if you ate an Adderall a day, you’d be the smartest, thinnest, most beautiful person at UMN. Or you might just get addicted to it and never get anything done again without it… But think about how cool that first thing would be! You’ll get a good score on your test: Your drug test… the score will be positive… for amphetamines. Future employers will be impressed with the fact that you definitely used that drug to study. They’ll ask about it in the interview and congratulate you for testing positive. You could tell them about how you didn’t eat for 2 days, sorted your DVD collection, and only got the lowest score in your class by 3 points! They’ll totally identify with your superlaid-back attitude towards class, recreational drug use, and overall health. You’ll do research: On everything! You’ll find out that Alexander the Great was epileptic, and that elephants can draw pictures, and that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams. The internet is such a cool place, especially on drugs. Why just study for that one test when you could learn everything that’s ever existed in one night? You may only score a 20.95% on the final, but now you know that’s

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the exact same percent of oxygen that exists in our atmosphere. You don’t need to sleep: Adderall providers have made tons of money off of parents that are concerned their kid will be stupid… And they use that money to pay the sandman to go fuck himself while you’re on it. The tunnel vision you get from not sleeping is just your brain working super-efficiently. You’ll be so “in the zone” that

you’ll create your own formulas and words. You don’t need actual knowledge of mathematics or language, you just need Adderall. So pop one around midnight before your test, add no water, and watch your test scores grow! Gobble ‘em up, as the kids say. It’s finals season, which means it’s Adderall season—get yours today!

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E T OF 1 R U SCO 5 4O

1. Internet Acronyms: What does “smh” stand for, in internet or texting parlance? 2. Holidays: What federal holiday is celebrated on the last Monday in May? 3. Language: What French word is derived from the Latin, “caput” meaning “head”? 4. Animals: What is the world’s largest living herbivore? 5. Sports: In 2004 the Montreal Expos relocated, becoming which current MLB team?

EVAN ST. MARTIN HOTEL VALET

6. Colleges: According to U.S. News & World Report, this west coast school is the highestranked public university in the United States 7. Music: What was Taylor Swift’s first #1 Billboard single? 8. Politics: Stephen Harper is the current Prime Minister of what country? 9. Movies: Jim Carrey has won Golden Globes for 2 performances. Name 1 movie or role for which he’s won. 10. Games: In what game is Mrs. Peacock a character?

Evan’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. Shaking my head 2. Labor Day 3. Chef 4. African elephant 5. Toronto Blue Jays 6. ASU 7. “I’m Feeling 22” 8. Britain 9. The Truman Show 10. Clue

1. Shaking my head 2. Memorial Day 3. Chef 4. African elephant 5. Washington Nationals 6. Cal 7. “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” 8. Canada 9. The Truman Show/ Truman Burbank 10. Clue

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME

I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM

With spring comes the greatest sports season of all time: baseball. So grab a bag of peanuts and take a seat at your favorite stadium. Our drinking game will make your fun in the sun that much more interesting.

The weather is getting warm and will hopefully stay that way. There’s no better way to cool down than to dig into a huge ice cream sundae. Skip the lines of basic bitches at your local froyo shop and create your own sundae following our famous The Black Sheep recipe.

What You’ll Need: Any kind of drink, but if you’re at a ball game it should be a beer, you goddamn American.

What You’ll Need: A tub of your favorite flavor of ice cream, chocolate syrup, sprinkles, whipped cream, and other stuff.

Number of Players: You and 40,000 other sunburnt lunatics. Level of Intoxication: You’ll forget which color your team is wearing. How to Play: -Take a drink every time someone tries to sell you another beer. -Take a drink for every foul ball (try to catch it if it’s near you). -Take a drink each time you see someone with a hot dog. -Take a drink every time a new pitcher or pinch hitter comes in. -Take a drink for each jumbotron game played between innings. Drink twice if your pick loses. -If there’s a meeting at the mound, keep drinking until play resumes. -Take a long drink for every homerun. -Take a big ol’ drink after every inning. -Drink if your team wins. -Drink more if your team loses. The Game Ends: After the 9th inning and you’re left walking in circles trying to find your car outside.

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Fatty Factor: We really hope you’re not lactose intolerant… Let’s Get Baked: -Scoop your ice cream into a large bowl. -Heat up the chocolate syrup for 30 seconds, then drizzle it on top. -Drop a couple of diabetic-sized spoonfuls of sprinkles on top. -Dump any other toppings you may have found in your pantry. Think crackers, cookies, gummy anything, left-over pastries from Easter. Just go nuts. -Top it all off with a can of whipped cream. Don’t be shy. Now that you have a colossal sundae, go ahead and dig in before it starts to melt. Eating your creation in the comfort of your home means you avoid hearing girls talk about just “how white girl wasted” they got last night.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

NIC CAGE UNDERSTANDS YOUR FINALS STRUGGLES (AND SO CAN YOU!) Finals. What came to mind when you saw that word? Pain? Agony? Nicolas Cage? We know it probably wasn’t Nicolas Cage, but we’re here to tell you it should be. A cornerstone of the Hollywood scene for years, Nicolas Cage is known for his amazing feats of actoring, subtle emotional nuances, and most importantly, starring in really really great movies. But Nic is more than meets the eye; he’s a hidden gem filled with a lifetime of knowledge. While you may not fully understand the tornado of desperation that is finals, it might surprise you to know that Nic does, and he’s here to help.

- Molly Ade

Just thinking about finals is stressful, and stress can make you do crazy things, like get really high and steal a baby. When Nic gets stressed from screaming every word that comes out of his mouth, he too sometimes gets really high and steals a baby. It’s okay, the baby had an edible— he doesn’t even know what his fingers are right now.

That first look at a semester’s worth of notes is like the bubonic plague: no matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to avoid being bitten by a rat that’s been running around in street sewage because this is the 14th century and you don’t know what a toilet is. Did you follow that simile? Just looking at the overload of chunks of information squeezed between unidentifiable doodles makes you feel like you’ve somehow been put in a woman’s naked body in the shower while a bumble bee crawls on you and Gordon Ramsay threatens to kill you for overcooking the butternut squash.

Screw having time to degrime, who has the time to workout during finals? Nic Cage doesn’t have the time to workout during finals. Just like you, Nic likes to tell people he’s working out and staying fit when really he’s just sitting on his couch mesmerized by whatever Lifetime movie is currently playing.

You’re free from that one-night stand that you swear never happened, but you’re not totally in the clear. Finals week isn’t a hangover immunity shield, and nothing makes your head and body hurt more than “The inner mitochondrial membrane is compartmentalized into numerous cristae, which expand the surface area of the inner mitochondrial membrane, enhancing its ability to produce ATP.” One eye is screaming from the brutal assault of library fluorescent lights. The other eye is confused because it comprehended 0% of that sentence. Your brain is smiling though. It’s still drunk and thinks your current inability to properly hold a pencil is hilarious.

The brain can only hold a finite amount of important information—like the sexual preferences of each famous philosopher for example—which means other, more common sense information—like your name or how to operate a microwave—is pushed out of the ol’ ear hole to make room for academia. Silly Nic, handcuffing your finger isn’t going to keep you attached to anything!

Sometimes during finals you’re assigned long, painful papers that seem like they’re never going to end. Sometimes you pour your heart and overly caffeinated soul into said treacherously long paper, only to realize you’ve written it on the completely wrong topic and you have 5 hours to do it all over again. When that time comes, it’s only natural to blink out every last little bit of soul you had in your eyes and just stare like you have the mental function of [insert name of Johnny Depp’s character] in [insert name of Johnny Depp movie].

Finals can bring out mixed emotions. You might be happy to be done with one class while still stressfully confused that you’ve still managed to learn nothing in an entire semester. No matter what you’re feeling, you should always be honest with your emotions. When Nic has mixed emotions he leaves them all out on the table. Sometimes he’s happy, sometimes he’s sad. Sometimes he has catstache, sometimes he does not have catstache.

You’re almost at the finish line, just one final to go, but you can’t help feeling like you’ve gained almost too much information in too short a timespan. Begrudgingly you decide you can’t study for your last final, not because you don’t want to, but because the slightest bit more knowledge could startle your bird hair into flying away.

Personal hygiene gets thrown out the window when there’s even a whiff of finals in the air; it’s the only time of year where all students band together to suffocate campus with B.O. stench and blind it with pedophilic pizza delivery guy mustaches. Looking back at pictures, you may be thinking, “What the actual fuck was I thinking?” but don’t be alarmed, Nic is too.

Spending days on end in the cold dungeon the administrators of death call “the library” can take a serious toll on a person. It’s okay to take one night to go out, let loose, and maybe hookup with the love of your life you just met 10 minutes ago. Unfortunately they’ll probably have leopard bed sheets, and more unfortunately the carpet will probably match the leopard drapes, but at least you’ll have a perfect getaway excuse! I’d love to stay and name our future children but the dungeon awaits me.

You’ve made it through finals—finally—but you’re not the same person you were when you started. You’ve gained new knowledge you’ll carry with you for the rest of the next two weeks, you’ve seen things a person should never have to see; if you looked in a mirror you’d barely recognize yourself. Nic goes through this transformation every time he churns out a motion picture for the ages. Is this a picture of an eagle? Yes. Is it also Nic Cage? Yes. Nicolas Cage is now a bird, and so can you.

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THE POPSTARS CROSSWORD ACROSS

3) Charli XCX’s real first name. 5) Demi Lovoto was diagnosed with this disorder during her 2010 stint in treatment. 6) Mariah Carey expresses this holiday as her favorite. 8) This first season winner of American Idol, two words. 9) This pop star will release her 13th album Rebel Heart in early 2015. 10) Ariana Grande was born in this city, two words. 14) Katy Perry got her start singing this type of music as a teenager. 15) Taylor Swift infamously pulled her music from this music streaming service.

DOWN

1) Iggy Azalea moved to the United States from this country in 2006. 2) This popular English singer sadly joined “The 27 Club” in July 2011. 4) This pop star’s real name is Stefani Germanotta, two words. 6) Britney Spears was the star of this 2002 cult-film. 7) Whitney Houston is the only artist to chart this many consecutive Number 1 Billboard Hot 100 hits. 8) This pop star recently took the $ out of her name. 9) Adele was originally offered a recording contract by being discovered on this social media site. 11) Miley Cyrus put this type of dancing on the map. 12) Blue Ivy is this star’s child. 13) This pop star comes from New Zealand, and broke out in 2013.

. M E H T E ! T S A C I H P Y R T O R A P M R LEOTVEMEBTARHAESSED OR BECOME INFAMOUS. SPICENS@DTUHESBYLAOCUKSHEEPONLINWEE.CBSOITME! G OUR H G U O R H T R O P P A . R U D E K & VIA O A N T E M G O R .C E O N , I L Y N R O P C E , E H H S G LAU THEBLACK (WAIT, WHAT?)

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