The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 12 • 4/18/13 - 4/24/13
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What is spring jam?
A Freshman’s Perspective Rebecca Marsnik wrote this It’s something you wait for all year. As a freshman, it’s something you hear about all year. From its first mention, you try to piece together what this mysterious and (evidently) exciting time entails. Nobody can ever be straight with you it seems, even when you’re covertly eavesdropping in Espresso Royale. What on Earth is this “Spring Jam” everybody speaks of? The first time you hear about Spring Jam is usually in passing, so it’s not like you can ask questions or pick up clues without seeming like an uninformed dumbass. No, you must rely on yourself to figure out what it all means. You could simply Google it on your phone during class, but that would be admitting defeat. Besides, what if people notice? They’ll point out how lame you are for trying to understand how to be a part of your university’s traditions? Too risky. A CIA agent wouldn’t slink this deep down the rabbit hole. So you start at square one: Spring Jam. Spring. That’s obvious. It’s clearly in the spring. Now, Jam…what could that possibly be? Maybe it has something to do with fruity preserves. Maybe there are different kinds of “Spring Jam.” Like “Spring Strawberry Jam” or “Spring Raspberry Jam.” Or even “Spring Apricot Jam” for all the refined high-rollers out there. Unfortunately, the more information you gather, the more you think that it probably doesn’t have to do with anything you put on toast. After all, you heard somebody mention “The Head and The Heart” and you know very well (hopefully not from experience) that neither heads nor hearts belong in any sort of breakfast food. Back to the drawing board. After some further sleuthing (in which the aforementioned eavesdropping is neurotically employed at any mention of the words “spring” or “jam”) you unearth an important fact: people apparently drink during this event. A lot. That makes sense. This is college after all, and what would a major campus-wide event be without alcoholinduced shenanigans? So far you’ve uncovered what appear to be two key aspects of “Spring Jam”: springtime and the mass consumption of liquor. Sounds like a great time! Yet that pesky “Jam” part is still hanging over your head like a spider monkey with abandonment issues. While begrudgingly walking to Tate Lab for a physics test, you end
Top 10 Acts We Won't Be Seeing At Spring Jam Matt Kearney is too bitter a pill to swallow, so here's a list of class acts that'll help wash it down!
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up pausing to look at a poster. It announces that Theophilus London is playing at Spring Jam. It suddenly hits you! Jam is in the musical sense! Of course! Spring, music, and booze! It’s the trifecta of a great weekend! Spring Jam sounds awesome!
You keep looking to see what other things you could take part in. A blood drive? If you can’t do yoga drunk you definitely can’t donate blood while drunk. And The Red Cross probably isn’t big on taking alcohol-poisoned blood to begin with.
Satisfied with your extensive detective work, you deem it appropriate to finally Google "Spring Jam" to find out what exactly you should do and when. You get to the website and the first thing you see on the schedule is “Gopher Yoga and Wellness.” You wonder how the hell you're supposed to do yoga while inebriated. Even to a college kid that sounds dumb.
You thought you had this all figured out, and now you’re more confused than ever! Screw it. You’ll just do your tried and true method for anything college-related: show up and see what happens. It’ll be like losing your virginity all over again.
what'’s inside FroYo: WHY?!
Chilly Billy's, you may have the lady Gophers fooled, but we can see behind the overpriced puppy chow toppings.
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Extraneous things women buy at target Target, the Minnesotan shopaholic mecca debunked.
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4: Spring Jam
page 4
How to avoid sobriety at all costs.
page 5: A letter from a concerned roommate It's a year's worth of pent-up anger.
page 6: From the streets
what advice would you give first-timers going to spring jam?
page 10: Job Hunting is a Bitch
Table of
Is college one big financially-consuming waste of time? Maybe.
page 10: Preparing for a visit from aunt flo Relish in that fact that you aren't a baby daddy!
page 11: Are you smarter than Annie from Burrito Loco knew the capital of Vermont. Do you?
page 13: We Interview: A Colorado Budtender It turns out you can’t be high all the time to run this business.
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$500 Gift Card Bonus Only three 3-bedroom units left!
$1000 Gift Card Bonus Only one 5-bedroom unit left!
page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Kartography:
The memorization of all maps in the entire Mario Kart franchise. “Tilda’s kartography was so sound she knew the secret jumps at Wario Stadium and Wario’s Gold Mine.”
Meet The Staff campus manager Luis Guitart
marketing manager Nishad Trivedi
Editorial Manager Liandra Sy
campus director Brendan Bonham
Advertising Manager Eddie Lund, Brandt Tharp
owner Atish Doshi
Writers McKinley Johnson, Katrina Nicholson Alexandra Adams, Becca Marsnik Tim Krueger, Liandra Sy Gabby Vanden Avond
Founders Luis Guitart, Hannah Comer, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers,
distribution manager Eddie Lund
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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US Bank Aurora Center CSL Plasma Bar Abilene Walter Library Rec Center Carlson School Of Management Hanson Hall/ Starbucks Willey Hall Papa Johns (Eating Area) Wilson Library/ Dunn Bros Boynton Student Health Services St. Paul Student Center Appleby Hall Murphy Hall GREEK HOUSES! BINS ON CAMPUS!
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Spring Jam:
Avoiding Sobriety at All Costs Arthur Martin wrote this It’s that time of year again. For some of you, it's the first time. But you smell it. You taste it. Spring Jam is in the air. The frat bros are porchin’ it, blasting country music and day drinking. The girls are wearing sundresses again, and the professors are somehow starting to give more of a shit about class participation. It’s utter malarkey, but it’s Spring Jam. You have to make it a good one, whether it’s your first time experiencing it or your final blowout before graduating into a jobless world. This year, Spring Jam is supposedly only three days long. That’s preposterously untrue. Spring Jam starts (and ends) whenever the hell you want it to. Typical intoxication lasts about a week straight, but avoiding sobriety at all costs can be almost as challenging as staying sober at all costs. And maybe you’ve got a couple papers to write, or maybe there’s a test Professor McPretentious is having you take on the Friday morning of Spring Jam. Whatever your worries, there’s always a way to get fucked up without getting fucked over. You see that guy in lecture wearing sunglasses? Yeah, he’s either hung over, still boozing it with a mixed drink in that “Coke bottle,” or so stoned that removing his shades would cause his eyeballs to piss blood. But you have to respect that, because he is doing it right. You may ask, “If he’s hung over, then isn’t he sober and therefore not keeping the party going?” Well, he may not necessarily be drinking, but being hung over is not really being sober. You have slowed and limited mobility, blurred vision, poor cognitive functions for proper judgment, and you could vomit at any given moment. Sound like a sober person to you? Didn’t think so.
The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Acts We Won’t Be Seeing at Spring Jam
10.) Adele: Let’s just admit it: this bitch is too sophisticated for us. Her perfect voice, classic make-up, and beautiful little dresses are just incompatible with college and Spring Jam. Plus, the Minnesota wind would certainly mess up her generally flawless hair. 9.) Any of the white guys on campus with “mix-tapes”: Okay, we get it. You have the ability to talk over someone else’s song and post it to YouTube. But seriously, there’s a legitimate reason it has less than 20 views. Be a good sir, stand up straight, hoist up those saggy pants, and drop the snapback; it’s not happening, MC Boysenberry. 8.) N*SYNC: What a band, folks. Nothing says 2002 like these boys. Go ahead; try and name two band members right now (NOT counting JT). Can’t do it? Congratulations, you’re not an idiot. If you could name them, though… 7.) P!NK: Sadly, our generation’s favorite punk won’t make it to Spring Jam to serenade the U with her pop anthems. So, yes folks. It will be U + UR hand tonight. 6.) Katy Perry: As if she could take even a minute away from the cotton candy salon or her million-dollar ad campaigns. Besides, the pointy peppermint swirl Madonna-esque bras and gaudy neon-colored hair are enough to give the drugged-up Spring Jammers an epileptic seizure. It’s only for the best. 5.) Prince: He may just be the only cool thing to emerge from our state (excluding Bob Dylan, but we’re pretty sure he’s dead or some shit). Would we love to hear Prince sing his beautiful, metrosexual soul out to us in the spring’s Purple Rain? Absolutely. Are we ever going to be that fortunate? Absolutely not.
up in class. Hell, you can write that paper or study for that quiz with a six-pack at hand as long as you’re tweaking on God’s gift to college students. Now your schedule should be more open so you can see whatever “artist” is playing at Coffman. Besides, everybody knows that a face-melting trip must be better when cops are shutting down the concert of your favorite bluegrass band because hordes of drunks are charging their way into a barn full of other boisterous drunks. But don’t fret, because the world-renowned, poorly named Theophilus London will be playing the oh-so-prestigious noon show so you can vomit from alcohol poisoning or light up a bleezy worryfree. Since the U of M is known for bringing in amazing artists like Jessie James (the more obscure and affordable version of Carly Rae Jepsen), Gym Class Heroes (the Gym Class Heroes of music), New Boyz (no joke needed), or that white guy who rapped about Dinkytown, it’s no wonder that this year they’ll surprise us with a musical act of U2-caliber, like Yellowcard or Good Charlotte (remember middle school “angst?”).
4.) That band from the thing: You know the guys with instruments? They play like, mediocre, non-memorable music at that place with the stuff? Guys, you know who we’re talking about here. They make music-type noises and are frequently wearing, um, clothing. Sometimes it’s flannel. THOSE GUYS.
"If you get a wicked hangover, unable to drink more for the rest of the day, you can always smoke weed. or pcp. or crack. whatever tickles your fancy."
In the highly likely case that you get a wicked hangover, rendering you unable to drink more for the rest of the day (God forbid), you could always smoke weed. Or PCP. Or hey, crack. Whatever tickles your fancy. Even better though, you’re currently on one of the largest college campuses in the nation, which means you have a magical little helper floating around. It’s called Adderall. Duh. It’s not very hard to find, but it can be a little pricey sometimes. If your mom sent you a little extra “grocery money,” and you’re determined to kill a hangover or just get hopped up on amphetamines, this is the answer. And guess what? You’re still successfully not sober because you’ve basically just done meth. Yay meth! Furthermore, this meth, err…uh…Adderall, will give you some much-needed focus to catch
Remember, Spring Jam is a time for music, free food, and drunken assholes. It’s great. It’s college as fuck. Trust us, you don’t want to be the person who could only handle one burger at the Coffman BBQ because you were sober, while the potheads were double fisting brats and having the time of their lives. Plan ahead and do the bare minimum of homework, so you can make time for witnessing someone land on their head during the Ballyhoo Dance Competition. Do something for Buddha’s sake. Don’t try to remember Spring Jam. That’s elementary school as fuck.
3.) Psy: This awkwardly-shaped man is responsible for the number one music video in the history of the world (and thank god for that. It’s physically sickening to think how long Bieber held that title). It’s pretty doubtful that the “Gangnam Style” star will be galloping anywhere near Minnesota anytime soon. Even Golden Gophers agree: a Gangnam Style mob dancing parade at Northrop is so 2012. 2.) Skrillex: Sonny (his real name. We see why he goes by “Skrillex.”) is our favorite little crazy man. When he performs, that shaggy black mane on his head gets almost as sweaty and abused as the entirety of his audience. The U would probably frown upon the amount of drug consumption required for a Skrillex concert though. 1.) Taylor Swift: Firstly, it costs like eight million dollars and two vaguely famous teenage boys to get this bitch anywhere. Secondly, very few of us are interested in seeing or hearing T Swift or her venereal diseases. If you’re offended by any of the previous writing because you’re a Swiftette or something, why don’t you go back in time to 2011? You’ll be happier there.
Alexandra Adams wrote this
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a letter from a concerned roomate umn staff wrote this Dear roommate, This wonderful year is almost over. Today, I’m finally letting all the repressed feelings of the year air out like those gym shorts you threw on the middle of the floor last week. Suffice to say it’s going to get nasty. Let’s start with all the shit that one man should never see another man doing, ever. Like those daily ridiculous homoerotic wrestling matches you have with your bros. Just break down the brick wall and come flying out of the closet. You’re in college. Nobody cares about who you want, or why. I wish I could say you stopped there, but then you bring an ever-rotating list of girls into the room in a fragile, self-deceptive attempt to prove your exclusively heterosexual masculinity. At first, I found this amusing and even slightly impressive, but as the fall semester ended your story was starting to look even sorrier than a new episode of Community. You’re just on repeat, and no matter how many girls you sleep with, you’re still going to wake up with thoughts of your gym partner in your head. As I march on down this list, there may be a theme you’re starting to pick up on, but wait! Don’t jump the gun just yet. There’s more to be said, and I’ve seen more horrors this semester than any one man should bear. How many can say they’ve woken up in the middle of the night to their roommate belting “Believe” while they stroke it to Cher? I don’t have a problem with your fantasies. It’s the fact that you act out your fantasies and rub one out while I’m in the room. That memory is something that will haunt me until my dying days. But more to the point, we, the women you’ve slept with and myself, are all fed up with the lies, especially after the Cher thing. Then spring semester started. I thought that I had actually gotten over the worst part of the year –your double life antics of manly wall-punching and alone time with The Bachelor reruns – and had put my guard down enough to relax in my own room again. Then, it all went to hell. I don’t really care that you viewed your “past life” as sinful or that you want to change, but why the hell do I have to listen to your prayer groups as they take over the living room three times a week to
FroYo: Why? umn staff wrote this
cleanse your soul? I can honestly say I liked you better when you were a hopeless “sinner.” At least then we shared some good laughs about the girls you were with. You even saved me from a few desperate drunken mistakes. Thank god for that. The sad truth is, after being “saved,” you’ve become an even bigger poser. Before you were hiding behind the alpha male persona, now you’re hiding behind religion. I don’t usually meddle in the lives of other guys, but we’ve been living together long enough to be honest. It’s time to wake up and smell the roses my good man. College is the time to learn and explore. Find yourself. Don’t hide it! You’ve got your whole adult life to be ashamed and regretful. Enjoy this while you can. Sincerely, Sick Of Your Double Life
Nobody seems to know when it happened. The internet speculates it all started somewhere in New England in the 1970s, but at this point, perhaps finding one cause is like asking a sadomasochist where those bite marks came from, or trying to understand why there is still snow falling from the sky in the middle of April. One guess is as good as another. Whatever the true origins of the elusive frozen treat may be, by the early 21st century one thing has become resoundingly clear: everyone is fucking enchanted by it. Why? What is it about this unremarkable ice cream knock-off that has armies of giggling sorority girls and disillusioned hipsters amassing in swarms to the nearest Chilly Billy’s? No one appears to be willing or able to give a straight answer. Asking any woman between the ages of thirteen and twenty-five proves to be unhelpful at best, there being no reliable way to translate their unintelligible gushing that results in proper English. Surveying males has been met with worryingly similar responses. Seriously people. What’s the big deal? It’s yogurt. Frozen. What exactly makes this particular dessert so much more froth-inducing than its more conventional counterpart? They both taste pretty much the same. There’s a notion floating around that FroYo is slightly healthier than say, a bowl of rocky road, but that argument becomes immediately unfounded when you consider people usually use this as an excuse to pile on an extra ounce of the cold cow juice and smother it in a mountain of various chocolate chips, waffle cone crumbles, and Heath bar bits. That’s more than enough to
make up for the initial (and mind you, already relatively small) difference in fat and sugar. Think about that next time you’re “rewarding” yourself for jogging three miles on the treadmill. Kind of defeats the purpose of going to the gym, doesn’t it? How’s about just toughing it out and skipping on the sweets entirely, fatty? Is it the variety of flavors? Because your local Dairy Queen or Coldstone can provide you with an equally wide range of creative ways to experience type 2 diabetes (Oreo Cheesequake, anybody?). And it can’t be the pricing because even a modest bowl of frozen yogurt, given the weight of raspberries you just had to scoop on there, is comparable to that of at least a small Blizzard. You know what’s even more baffling? It isn’t even all that filling. When you tear into a hot fudge sundae or a cherry Dilly Bar, at least you can you actually feel the satisfaction of the several hundred unnecessary calories you’ve just chugged into your body. FroYo, though? It’s waif-y. Almost like eating a puffy nimbus cloud’s icy turd. If you’re going to consciously support growing out your love handles, you might as well get as much bang for your buck as possible. Clearly, there is no logical basis to go all nutty over this chilly sensation that’s sweeping the nation. Maybe we all just need to take a step back and see this snack for the boring promise of momentary enjoyment that it is. If not, by all means continue stuffing your face. With any luck, it might just kill you.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What advice would you give firsttimers going to Spring Jam? “Make good use of your sanctioned carnival. Make Bacchus proud!” - Nolan, Senior
“Don't keep track of how much you drink and don't bring your wallet.” - Hailey, Junior
“Don't wear your good shoes.” - Erik, Junior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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Extraneous Things Women Buy At Target Gabby VandenAvond wrote this
If we’re being honest, which college students often are (much to the chagrin of the older generations), we can fairly say that college students are broke as all hell. Now that the year is winding down, the funds from summer jobs that once bloated TCF accounts are now feeling a little dry, and FlexDine accounts have long been emptied. Unless your birthday is coming up, there is little hope for a full meal until you return home to mommy next month. Basically, the point here is that the LAST thing you need is to waltz in to a store in which EVERYTHING is aesthetically enticing (or “cute” for you intellectually-challenged readers) and cheap. Yes, kids, we’re talking about Minnesota’s very own Target. Perhaps the single biggest temptation since that goddamned apple in the Garden of Eden, Target supplies basically anything one could ever want for a price that seems almost too affordable. The thing is, once you’ve plopped ten of those overly affordable items in your bag, you’re looking at a pretty hefty and unaffordable bill at the checkout. Worst part is, you didn’t need any of that stuff anyway. Let’s start with a typical Target trip in the “Health and Beauty” section. No, you don’t need that lotion that’s made out of carrots. No, it won’t do anything different than the bottle of Eucerin that you currently have in your cupboard. And for the love of god, Essie nail polish is the exact same as every other overpriced “salon-quality” brand. Oh, and that shade of “nude”? It’s just a euphemistic tap-dance around “it’ll look like you didn’t even bother to paint your fucking nails at all." Save the seven dollars and buy yourself some Afro Deli. As a conscientious student, you’ll go next to the “Office and School” section, where you will promptly convince yourself that you need eight more highlighters and an eco-friendly binder. No, you do not. Chances are you have a perfectly respectable clear binder in a closet somewhere from your freshman year English final project. Dust it off, pull out the crappy essay on Macbeth, and put it to good use. You can even paint leaves on it if the design really means that much to you, but really, nobody cares what your binder looks like at eight in the morning.
Other things to be avoided at Target include, but are not limited to: the “Furniture” section, due to its selection of generic throw pillows that will miraculously match your room regardless of how you have it decorated; the “Books” section because you will leave with a copy of a crappy romance novel or 50 Shades of Grey, and nobody needs to read those things; “As Seen On TV” section because nothing is or ever will be “as seen on TV”; also, you don’t need an Ahh Bra, your boobs are fine.
You’ll wrap up your trip with a swing by the clothing section, in which you will find racks on racks on racks of what will inevitably be the cutest clothing you’ve ever seen. Resist the urge, girl. We know it’s hard.
Just wait it out ‘til summer, when you have a break from tuition payments and the money is flowing from your “sandwich artist” job at Subway.
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THURSDAY 4/18
9pm - Close $2 Coors Light $2.50 Long Islands
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Campus Pizza HH (3pm-6pm) and Late Night HH (9pm-11pm) | $15 craft beer buckets 5 mix and match 3pm-6pm | 5PM: $4 burgers w/ adult beverage $5 w/o adult beverage Throwback Thursdays! Karaoke at 9pm $2 Grain Belt, Hamms, PBR, High Life, and Busch Light tall boys from 8pm-midnight
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Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints
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Campus Pizza HH (3pm-6pm) and Late Night HH (9pm-11pm) | $15 craft beer buckets 5 mix and match 3pm-6pm Whiskey Wednesdays! $2.50 Jameson & Ginger, $6 Hot Chicagos, $3 Shots of whiskey
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SUNDAY 4/21 MONDAY 4/22
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SPECIAL NIGHT
$0.35 Boneless Buffalo Wings: 4pm - 12am (w/ beverage purchase)
Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Team Trivia from 9:30- Midnight
1/2 Price Apps Ladies Drink Free 9pm-11pm
THURSDAY 4/18
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! $3 Select Rails and Specialty Drinks $3 Domestic Tall Boys, $4 Select Tequilas Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM LADIES DRINK FREE (LADIES NIGHT) 10pm to Midnight!
Welcome to the Weekend! $2 Rails, Domestic Bottles, Lite & Grain Belt Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Bottles & Hand Crafted Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close
Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Karaoke from 10 - Close
2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm
FRIDAY 4/19
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! $3 Specialty Drinks $3 Select Tequilas $4 Domestic Tall Boys Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM
$2 Rails, Domestic Bottles, Lite & Premo Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Bottles & Hand Crafted Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
Happy Hour from 11 am - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm
SATURDAY 4/20
Closed
Happy Hour Pricing All Day Long! $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
Happy Hour from 11am - 6:30pm and 10 pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
45 Cent Wings All Day
SUNDAY 4/21
Closed
Big Mug Monday! $3 Lite & Grain Belt, $4 Hand-Crafted, $5 Hop-Head Specialties (10pm - close) $2 Rails & $3 Calls $2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $0.35 Boneless Buffalo Wings: 4pm - 12am (w/ beverage purchase)
Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
2-4-1's All Day EVERYDAY, EVERYTHING 1/2 Price Burgers
MONDAY 4/22
Closed
2 for Tuesday! 10pm - Close Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm FREE Taco Bar: 4pm - 6pm 1/2 Price Appetizers: 4pm - 6pm
Happy Hour from 3 -63:0pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm
TUESDAY 4/23
Legendary wild wednesdays: college id night FREE Cocktail Hour! 11pm - 12am Power Hour 10pm - 11pm: $2 Rails, Select Drafts and Bottles | $3 U-Call-It: 11pm Close: Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close
Happy Hour from 3 -6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Karaoke from 10-Close
$1 Tacos 3pm-close
WEDNESDAY 4/24
Catch all the games at johnny tequilas!
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! All You Care to Drink (8-Close) $6 Domestic Drafts, $10 Domestic Drafts and Rail drinks, Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM
$4 House Margaritas - any flavor! $2 Rail Drinks , $3 Any Pint $4 Any BIG Draft
(excluding Chimay, Matilda & Big Eddy)
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks!
2 for Thursday! 10pm - Close 2 for 1 Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
$2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm
page 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Job Hunting is a pain
Katrina Nicholson wrote this
Job-hunting is the Regina George of the modern world: it'll chew you up and spit you out looking like the current version of Lindsay Lohan. You spend four years in false security, pretending to study your major while actually absorbing less information than you did in high school. You pay thousands of dollars, racking up debt that you work tirelessly to pretend doesn't exist. Before you know it you're dumped out on the streets of the nearest major city with nothing more than a ratty blanket to call your own. You're starting to resemble Anne Hathaway in Les Miz, selling your luscious locks of hair and your back molar teeth just to buy a rotting banana at the corner market. College doesn't prepare you for the fact that job hunting is a total and complete bitch. Employers don't care that you're shackled to $100,000 of perpetual debt. In fact, they think it's pretty hilarious. You can apply to every job in every listing, and you might hear back from one of them. Remember how that nice woman at Career Services told you that you were on track to make 50 grand right out of the gate? She said she'd help you find places to apply that fit your interests. She promised that you had nothing to worry about and everything would fall into place. Well, she's being paid a percentage of your tuition to tell you that. The minute you walk across that stage and collect your diploma, this woman will cut you out of her life like some dispensable piece of self-entitled scum. In high school you graduate knowing you have the next four years on lockdown. You're going to have the time of your life and everything is set in stone, with only slight variations along the way. When you graduate college, you look into
a frightening abyss of swirling chaos. Where will you live? How will you pay for your living place? How will you pay for the education you were almost too drunk to remember? Will you ever get married? Will you ever be able to afford a cat? Will even a cat be able to love the person you've become? Answers to these questions are complicated and worsen as you spiral down your post-graduate life. What's the point of wasting your time in college if you're going to hit a dead end? You'll walk into a job interview clad in your Fantine rags, doused in a showerless stench, and the interviewer won't bat an eyelash as they send you right back where you came from. Even if you aren't literally this disgusting, they will smell the desperation in your voice and be immediately turned off like a preteen girl to an acne-covered nerd. The more you want the job, the less the job will want you, and the longer you will be on the depressing search for fulfillment. Job search – not life – has killed the dream you dreamed. It seems like college is just one big drunken, financially-consuming waste of time. Maybe it is. Mom and dad will hate you for wasting their money and becoming a useless couch hopper. They'll resent you for being irresponsible and disgusting. This is reality: you are destined to spend this time as grotesque, second-class members of society. While it is inevitable, it isn't completely hopeless and unlivable. Stock up on the 1-dollar cans of beans, the 50-cent cans of tuna and the 30-packs of pseudo-plastic tortillas and prepare for war. Hump poverty into submission before job searching makes you her bitch.
Preparing for a Visit from Aunt Flo Tim Krueger wrote this It’s the end of another Saturday night. You’re climbing the stairs to your apartment door while holding the hand of your sweet and loving girlfriend. You briefly juggle your keys, finding the lock without too much difficulty. The bolt clicks and the door presses open. Slow and weary, your girl makes her way to the bedroom and calls for you to join her. You assure her that you won’t be long and stumble into the bathroom. You turn on the light and reach over to your toothbrush but accidentally knock her birth control pill case into the sink. Looking down at the case, you see three empty rows and a foreboding bottom row of chalk white capsules. Your vision tunnels, and your skull pounds. How could you have forgotten? You’ve haven’t even started taking a single precaution! Looks like enjoying a pleasant Sunday brunch and an evening Twins game will have to give way to putting up with Aunt Flo’s dreaded arrival. There’s no time for sleep. It’s time to prepare. You turn your quickly sobering eyes to the toilet, searching for the hidden landmines to disarm. The rim is caked with month-old urine delicately sprinkled with pubic hair. The gloves come on and a thorough, long-overdue rim job commences. When finished, you exit the bathroom, but not before mindfully letting the seat down. Then you walk out into the living room. You see half-empty cans and bottles strewn about the counters and stovetops, pizza slices beginning to grow a second layer of discolored toppings, and a sink overflowing with dishes. The sound of bags rustling, dishes clinking, and cans clattering soon fill
the walls of the apartment. Once the clutter is removed, you check the fridge. A few McDonalds ketchup packets and a package of greening provolone are all that can be seen. Aunt Flo will be arriving quite soon, and she is never late. Because you know she cannot start her day without a double helping of Grape-Nuts, you throw your jacket on and venture out for provisions. You enter the House of Hanson just a few blocks down. Knowing Aunt Flo suffers from frequent cramping, you grab some hand warmers to alleviate the pain. She also has a penchant for salts and sweets. You spot a jar of brine and a Whitman's Sampler. They ought to do the trick. With the inclusion of a pint of milk and a family-sized box of GrapeNuts, you pay for your goods at the counter. Bags in hand, you briskly back to the apartment, dawn encroaching behind you. With a gentle turn of the key, you slide into the living room as discreetly as you can. There stands Aunt Flo, waiting for you. You meekly cast your gaze towards the floor. “Where have you been?” she asks. The trap has been set. You say nothing and move past, averting your eyes from the red steel gaze. Once you’ve reached the kitchen, you pull out the box of Grape-Nuts and the pint of milk and set them on the table. You collect a bowl and spoon from the drying rack. She shuffles over to you in silence and takes a seat at the table. As you prepare her bowl, she looks up at you with her stone-like eyes. “Stop!” she says firmly, signaling to stop the flow of milk,
“Don’t drown the bastards!” While she slovenly devours your humble offerings, you sneak backwards into the bedroom, where your dearest is sleeping peacefully. You gently wrap your arms around her and whisper, “Aunt Flo is here.” “Did you get the pickles and chocolate?” she asks in drowsy voice. “All they had was brine.” She turns over, delivers a kiss and says, “You can get the pickles in the morning.”
page 11
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
are you smarter than? annie from burrito loco
1) The Human Body: A cataract is the clouding of this part of the eye. __________________________________________________
6) History: What river did George Washington famously cross on December 25th, 1776? __________________________________________________
2) State Capitals: Montpelier in this state is the smallest state capital. __________________________________________________
7) Media: What entity satirically touts themselves as “America’s Finest News Source”? __________________________________________________
3) Space: The heliocentric model of the universe proposed by Copernicus states what? __________________________________________________
8) Liquor: If a liquor is 40-proof, what percent of it is alcohol? __________________________________________________
4) Math: What is two to the power of five (2^5)? __________________________________________________
9) Sports: Name five of the eight major sports franchises that call New York City home. __________________________________________________
5) Music: What was the title of the last Beatles studio album? __________________________________________________
1. The lens. 2. Vermont. 3. Heliocentric -the Earth revolves around the sun. 4. 32. 5. Let it Be. 6. The Delaware River. 7. The Onion. 8. 20%. 9. Yankees, Mets, Giants, Jets, Knicks, Nets, Rangers, Islanders. 10. Tim Gunn
correct answers
10) Fashion: What famous stylist’s catchphrase is “Make it work!”? __________________________________________________
the drinking game:
annie's answers 1.) Cornea 2.) Vermont 3.) Planets revolve around earth 4.) 32 5.) Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
6.) Delaware 7.) The Onion 8.) 20% 9.) Mets, Knicks, Yankees, Giants, Rangers 10.) Don't Know
annie's score: 6/10 correct
recipe for disaster:
Booze Ball
Grilled Cheese Pizza
The only thing better than drinking cold beer and eating a hot dog and peanuts on a nice spring day is watching dudes spit tobacco while playing with their balls—er, baseballs. Don’t just watch the fun. Take this game outside and get drunk. It’s officially booze ball season.
Like when Robb Stark married the Frey girl, securing The Twins for the North, this is an unholy union of two unlike things. Will this work out better or worse than the wedding? Let’s hope it’s better.
What You’ll Need: Four kegs and a Wiffle ball and bat. Number of Players: At least 20. Level of Intoxication: Good luck trying to run the bases after this. How To Play - Split up into two teams. - Set up the kegs in a baseball diamond and have each player on one team stand in the typical baseball positions. - Before any player bats they must chug a half cup of beer. - After chugging, the batter tosses up the Wiffle ball himself and tries to hit it. If he can’t hit a fair ball in three tries, he’s out and must drink for five seconds. - If the player hits a single, he must do a five-second keg stand when he gets to first base. - If the player hits a double, he must do a ten-second keg stand when he gets to second base. - If the player hits a triple, he must chug a beer when he gets to third base. - If the player hits a homerun, he must do a fifteen-second keg stand when he gets to home. - If the player gets thrown out or tagged before he makes it to a base, he must chug half a beer, and he is out. - Once three outs have been made, teams switch sides. - The game continues until nine innings have been completed or a team reaches a predetermined score. The Game Ends When: The kegs run dry or the players are as bad as the Cubs. You suck, Darwin Barney!
download our app for all of our drinking games!
What You Need: 2 slices of bread, 4 ounces of pepper jack cheese, crappy pasta sauce, pepperoni, butter. Cook Time: 10 minutes Fatty Factor: If you can convince yourself to eat less than three, you’ll survive to see morning. Let’s Get Baked: -Place a skillet on a burner set to medium. -Butter one side of each slice of bread. -Layer the other side of one piece of bread with pizza sauce and pepperoni. -Shred the pepper jack cheese on the unbuttered side of the other piece of bread. -Place each piece of bread butter side-down onto the warmed skillet. -2-3 minutes later, place the pepperoni side of one slice onto the cheesy side of the other slice of bread. -Flip the sandwich each minute for 3-4 minutes, or until the cheese is melted. Unlike a potent mixture of sugar, carbs, protein and cheese to help you power through your day. Without it, you’d pass out from hunger, and passing out just isn’t the same as willingly taking a nap.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
Blows up (The camera glides in to focus on the crew, all sitting at the NBA on TNT table. Shaquille O’Neal on the far left, then moving right to Ernie Johnson, Kenny “The Jet” Smith, and finally Charles Barkley. Ernie shuffles paper and looks up into the camera, while the others glance at each other from the corners of their eyes, giggling and taking sips from their mugs.)
Ernie Johnson: Welcome back to the Sprint Halftime Report. I’m Ernie Johnson and with me as always are Shaq, Kenny, and Charles. So if you were watching last week, and we know you weren’t, Charles was having a little bit of fun at LeBron’s expense, talking about his receding hairline and the fact that the headband had been inching backward through the years. And who knows where it will be-Charles: Come on home. Ernie: And basically you were encouraging him to shave, to come on home... Charles: Come on home, shave your head like every other balding black guy. Kenny Smith: (waving at camera) Ay LeBron this ain’t me. This ain’t me LeBron! Ernie: (laughs uneasily) Well, we decided we couldn’t let that go alone, and so we decided to ma-Shaquille O’Neal: ERNIE YOU OFF THE CHAIN!
The NBA playoffs begin April 18th, and we couldn’t be more excited. Two months of professional playoff basketball? Fantastic. But we’re more excited for two months of the NBA on TNT frat house yukkin’ it up and slapping Charles Barkley’s face on obese ladyfolk. Never in sports history has a studio analyst crew gotten away with 30 seconds of analyzing, followed by 20 minutes of grab-assery. However, their hijinks came to a screeching halt one night, while broadcasting a relatively meaningless Hawks-Nets game. TNT pulled the broadcast from the air, but The Black Sheep DVR’d it, and recorded it on paper for you to witness. By: Quinn
Charles Barkley: If he keep denying his hairline is receding it’d be like a dead terrorist denying he ain’t in heaven. Shaq: (pulls tie up in the air to resemble a noose) OOOOOOO! Ernie: (snarkily) Even though we’re in the south I don’t think any racists will be hanging you any time soon, Shaq. Shaq: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (stares angrily at Ernie) Charles: (stares angrily at Ernie) Ernie: (worryingly looks off-screen at the producer) Kenny: (walking off the set) Yo Ern, let’s talk about basketball. Let’s talk about basketball. Shaq: Look when I drink water like this (takes long drink of water, bulges his eyes at Ernie) it mean that water too hot! Charles: If LeBron’s headband keep moving back further and further, and eventuallyKenny: Not me LeBron! I got no part in this! Charles: Eventually that headband gunna pull his eyes back and he’ll look Asian. Like he got a Mandarin hat on, practicin’ tai chi instead of basketball.
Ernie: Guys, hold on, let’s take it down a notch... Shaq: What Ern, you gonna lynch me? Shaq: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (off stage) The fuck Ernie? Charles: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (runs back in impersonating a “jet” with a Jeremy Lin jersey on) Rook at me! I’rm ReBron James! I have tiny penis!
(A photoshopped picture of Charles Barkley and Asian-looking LeBron James kissing in a dojo appears on the screen.) Ernie: (his bowtie spinning) Can we go to commercial! I don’t know what the hell is going on!? Shaq: YO THE ONLY WAY WE CAN STOP THE HEAT IS TO DROP CHARLES AKA A “FAT MAN” MIAMI LOL. (Kenny is off camera, but his mic broadcasts him taking “heavy polls” of Cognac in the green room) Shaq: (putting papers on his head) REBRON JAMES! (Sound guy plays stereotypical Asian chimes)
(A picture of Charles Barkley-looking atomic bomb dropping over Miami appears on screen. The room falls silent. All the panelists look shocked, except Shaq, who is spinning in his chair) Ernie: ... Ok, well, with that we will bring you back to the action. Hawks lead the Nets 51-43.
we interview: a colorado budtender Now that recreational use and sale of marijuana is legal in Colorado, weed dispensaries have been popping up everywhere. All you need to legally grow and sell weed is a measly little piece of paper from the government, it’s that easy! We sat down with one such self made man, “BlaisOne,” who went from regular old, cereal-eatin’, Netflix watchin’, maybe occasionally illegally weed growin’ stoner, to a savvy, suit-wearing, legally growing and selling weed business man. By Quinn The Black Sheep: How did you get involved in this business? What were the stages from having the idea to sitting in the store and making a living? “BlaiseOne” the Budtender: I’ve been close to the business my whole life. I started growing around 13. With the medical legalities popping up I came to Denver about three years ago, and started working for local dispensaries. I can’t say there was much transition from seeing the doors open to where I am now. I guess as of now most of us are kind of in limbo, just waiting for recreational to take over. It will take the ceiling off all our businesses and allow us to operate like everyone else. TBS: If you own the business, do you recruit new workers? And what do you look for in an applicant? BlaiseOne: I don’t own it. Don’t really want to yet either. We hire from within, either good friends or quality patients. We look for a true enthusiasm in the industry, as long as you have the ability to learn and as long as you’re enthusiastic about it. TBS: What’s the most-untrue stereotype of a budtender? BlaiseOne: Contrary to what most people think, most of the time we are not medicated when at work. TBS: In light of recent marijuana legalization in other states, do you think it will take long for the rest of the country to follow suit? What is your opinion on current legalization laws? BlaiseOne: I think it will be many years before the federal government overturns this one. There’s too much money in the pharmaceutical companies. Plain and simple. Oh, and god forbid we make some gasoline out of hemp... Fuck our government. TBS: Does your business cook the edibles in house, or do you buy them from a bakery? And how does a marijuana bakery start up? BlaiseOne: To start up you have to have a MIP (Marijuana Infused Product) License. And a certified health inspected kitchen. We used to make our own (and they were ridiculous) but started outsourcing after they made the kitchen law. We didn’t have the means to open a real kitchen for it, so we sold the license. TBS: Do you sell the marijuana directly to customers? If so, have you ever refused to sell to someone? BlaiseOne: I personally do not – I only grow. But we refuse sale to anyone we think is reselling. TBS: Do you get any "employee benefits"? BlaiseOne: Well let’s just say everything from seed to sale is on 24hr cameras monitored by the state, so not in the way you’re thinking. And technically you cant have/give for free. So let’s just say when I purchase anything for myself from the storefront it usually only costs a penny. TBS: Are you worried about the DEA/FBI because Marijuana is illegal under federal law? How does that legal grey area work? BlaiseOne: I am not. We are currently within our legal number of plants within the state of Colorado, and are compliant on everything we do. I don’t think the feds have any interest in us. TBS: Are there routine inspections of your crop? BlaiseOne: No. TBS: What do you net from an average plant? What are the expenses you have to take care of? BlaiseOne: Average plant nets 6 oz. worth about $1200. We currently pay out about 50,000 a month in expenses. Rent, payroll, electric, soil, nutrients, bug spray, etc. TBS: How does the marijuana community decide on names for new strains? Is there any sort of advisory board or do people just smoke it and come up with something? BlaiseOne: There is an actual Swiss seed bank, and to get a phenotype listed and named you have to provide something like 500 stable seeds and some other stuff. But I doubt anyone does that. Some of the older strains have made a good name for themselves, and the newer names are usually growers crossing strains and making up new names. TBS: Funniest/weirdest name of a product? BlaiseOne: Earwax. TBS: How does the cost of legal marijuana compare to buying it illegally? BlaiseOne: Depends on your state, but equal or cheaper. TBS: Have you ever had a problem with people trying to break onto your property and steal your crops? BlaiseOne: Our dumpster gets broken into once a month. Which is silly, like we would throw the good stuff away... Other than that everything has been cool. TBS: What's the worst part, and the best part, of your day to day workings? BlaiseOne: Worst part is moving thousands of pounds of soil up to the second floor, then back down when it’s used. Growing dope shouldn’t have to be this physical. TBS: Do you have a getting high "routine"? BlaiseOne: I only vape now. O-Pen Vape is the way of the future. If you’re still smoking weed you need to get with the times. TBS: What's your perfect sandwich? BlaiseOne: Cheeseburger with a fried egg and French fries on it. Bam!
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
The Lords of Salem Opening April 19th
The residents of a creepy apartment complex in Salem, Massachusetts are visited by a 300-year-old coven of witches. The dreadedblonde who is certain her neighbor's apartment is haunted might just be tweaking, but you can't deny the negative vibes she feels coming from Apartment 5. Written and directed by Rob Zombie, this film will at least give us the willies.
Pain & Gain Opening April 19th
A trio of bodybuilders in Florida get caught up in an extortion and kidnapping scheme that goes terribly wrong. Really, when do any of those things go right? Based on a true story, Pain & Gain stars Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne "Can You Smell What the Rock is Cooking?" Johnson, as well as some cute comedic relief from Rob Corddry and Rebel Wilson.
Phoenix - Bankrupt! Out April 23rd
This French alternative rock band that scored mainstream recognition with their hit 2009 album Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, are back with their fifth studio album. Fans of their past work might be taken aback by the sounds of Bankrupt!, which the band says is something more experimental than before. Check out their first single "Entertainment" (which still sounds pretty poppy to us).
page 14
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The "how high?" flowchart
the wordsearch: Stoner lingo Baked Blazed Blunts Bong Chronic Ganja Grass Fatty Hash Heady Joint
Munchies Pothead Roach Schwag Skunk Shake Spliff Stoned Tree Vaporizer Weed
ALL DAY, EVERY DAY
EVERYTHING IS 2-4-1!
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