Minnesota - Issue12 - 11/13/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

F wee ree! Li ken ke yo d be ur cau sche se y dule ou’r th e so is coo l.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 12

GREEN LINE FIGHT CLUB DISCOVERED Aron Wolde wrote this “The first rule of Green Line Fight Club: Don’t talk about Green Line Fight Club. The second rule of Green Line Fight Club: DO NOT talk about Green Line Fight Club! The Third rule of Green Line Fight Club: Don’t wear those stupid overpriced Gopher hoodies.” These were the opening words at eleven o’clock last Thursday at the East Bank Green Line Station. After weeks of searching, The Black Sheep had finally been able to send an undercover representative into this alleged fight club. According to our representative, the Green Line Fight Club was the brain child of a group of angry students. Stacy Watson, Michael Hicks, Doug Anderson, and Penny Rippa were just standing around waiting for the next train to take them home one night that was “cold as tits,” according to Rippa. Stacy, a journalism junior, was upset at a professor for giving her a poor grade on an exam. Rippa claimed she received her D+ because the teacher had it out for her because she was a Packers fan. She was brooding, cold, and close to the edge. It was when Doug lit up a cigarette that she unleashed her fury. Security footage shows Stacy ripping the cigarette out of Doug’s mouth and pointing to the “Share the Air” sign. After a few angrilyexchanged words that rhyme with truck, pit, and banana, Stacy is seen slapping Doug, who then pushes the girl back. Witnessing all of this, Michael tackles Doug into an unaware Penny, setting off the brawl. The four fight for the entire 10 minutes it takes for the light rail to arrive. Eyes are gouged, balls are slapped, several hairs are pulled, and one surprising crane kick can be seen by Penny near the end of the footage. After much cajoling we were able to get the four fighters’ spin on the night. “We didn’t really know we were having fun until the train came,” said Rippa. “Once it showed up we all stopped, got on, and were surprised that we were smiling just like the time that we saw bulldog wearing a top hat. We were all just so mad, and needed a way to get it out and my dealer was on vacation in Guadalajara so I couldn’t… I needed a new outlet.” And what else were the four so mad about? “Gopher Gold, tuition, financial aid, the insane price of doughnuts on campus, almost every part of university life,” Anderson sighed. And they weren’t the only ones, after the second week of the fight club more and more young people just started showing up, all of whom were fed up with aspects of the university. “There was this guy Tyler, he just showed up one night and joined the rumble. I was whaling on Penny, looked up, and saw him fighting both Stacy and Michael. He was screaming about his language requirement and swinging like a madman.” As a mathematics major, he’s obligated to take four semesters of a language. Which is fucking stupid since he studies math. When word had gotten out that students were venting their emotions in a real way, people started showing up every day. New rules were created by the head of the Green Line Fight Club: Stacy Watson. Rules regarding not bleeding on rented textbooks and no stopping to watch sexy girl-on-girl or guy-on-guy fights were later instituted. Despite now knowing of the fights, the UMNPD is unwilling to stop them. This is mainly due to the positive consequences of the fighting. Since the fight club student complaints have dropped by 25%. However, most importantly, the university is uninterested in stopping the fights for the purist reason of all: watching sexy girl-on-girl or guy-on-guy fights.

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PAGE 7

PAGES 12-13

ART STUDENT DRAWS HERSELF ON DIFFERENT TYPES OF ALCOHOL

ON-CAMPUS FEATURE: THE UMM WOMEN’S ROW TEAM

TERRIBLE BOYFRIEND NEGOTIATES THREE-WAY

SHE MIGHT AS WELL CAPITALIZE ON HER SKETCHING 1001 CLASS.

LOOKING TO JOIN A CLUB BUT HAVE NO EXPERIENCE? LOOK NO FURTHER!

DESPITE TIGHT FIRM MOBILITY AND FALLING STOCK PRICES.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Mackenzie Harding

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Hannah Botsford

EDITORIAL MANAGER Megan Felz

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Aaron Grossman, Charlie Glynn

OWNER Atish Doshi

PROMOTION MANAGER Liz Grein

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Cora Neisen, Lily Noonan Aron Wolde, Annie Cameron Victoria Petelin

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Who wants to pet my new puppy?”

THE THREE-EYED TURTLE

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

TURGIDDY To be so happy as to become sexually aroused. Moments after jumping with joy after receiving a job offer Jon was so turgiddy he had to sit down and avoid his roommate’s hug to hide his boner.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Attended Bettendorf High School in Bettendorf, Iowa.

Was once a competitive bike racer.

Owns Antique Archaeology.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_UMN

ART STUDENT DRAWS HERSELF ON Annie Cameron wrote this

DIFFERENT TYPES OF ALCOHOL

First was whiskey. And who starts off a party better than Jack Daniel’s? Gates decided to start with what she considers “the coolest alcohol ever!”

“Okay. Drinking PBR just really made me feel connected to the working man. I felt like I could be a coal miner who works 9-to-5 and comes home to his family and a cold can of PBR and some talk radio and tells his kids to ‘shut up, Car Talk is on.’

Then it was time for red wine. Lots of red wine.

Gates decided she needed something a little edgy after drinking beer, so the only logical next step was to drink copious amounts of absinthe.

“So, it started out a little bit rough because I think I accidentally drew Jared Leto.” Gates then decided to make a self-portrait while drinking Fireball, since it had just been recalled and just like unlimited spaghetti at Olive Garden, she wanted to make sure she got as much as she could until it was gone for good. “I’m Carrie from Sex and the City! Also, I wasn’t hugged a lot as a child. Wine makes me love fashion and emotions.”

“I know it doesn’t look like much, but if you put on 3D glasses you’ll be able to see me. Or just drink absinthe and you’ll be able to see me on a snake wearing a sombrero.” Captain Morgan white rum was up next.

“Okay, so yeah, that’s me as Satan. I was just so mad that Fireball was being recalled that I felt the wrath of hell all around me, you know? Or maybe that was just the cinnamon. It’s hard to tell. Maybe that’s why I get really angry when eating at Cinnabon.”

Scotch. Scotch scotch scotch.

Next, Gates was low on cash because she spent all of her savings on a DJ set she found on eBay, so she drank as some PBR because cheap beer is still beer.

“Soooo… yeah. Um… I was about to draw a portrait but I threw up on the paper, sorry. It’s abstract though, many people have even told me that it looks like a Pokémon.” Though abstract vomit is a tough act to follow, Gates and Jose Cuervo were up to the challenge. “Okay. It’s uh… it’s me… as uh… as a penis. Do mini sombreros count as condoms these days?”

“What? I drew that.” Gates said this artistic experience made her see the world more clearly. She’s currently looking for her work to be featured in an art museum, but for now, she’s more than thrilled to have it pictured in the pages of The Black Sheep. When asked what’s next for her career, Gates said she’s going to continue on her artistic route by “getting suuuper wasted this weekend and going to The Weisman Art Museum.”

BREAKING NEWS

SORORITY DRUG SCANDAL

BLAMED ON “SUBURBAN BOREDOM PHENOMENA” Black Sheep Staff wrote this Recent drug scandals within the Beta Upsilon Tau sorority, also known as BUT, have caused an uproar in both the Greek and non-Greek community on our Minnesota campus. A freshman BUT was caught doing cocaine at the Beta Alpha Delta (BAD) fraternity. From what was seen in the video evidence, a small girl in a turquoise bodycon dress was photographed lining the coke on an American flag-painted table, and snorting it as the brothers chanted “Srat star!” repeatedly. A drunk BAD brother posted it on Twitter, and it immediately went viral amongst UMN students. The BUTs have been quiet about the incident. Since Greek conduct codes forbid underage alcohol use, let alone hard drug use, the scandal has caused serious problems within the house. Most of the BAD brothers denied the accusations. “I meaaaaaannn you can’t prooooove that we had the nose candy,” says BAD brother Tyler Warren, sniffling loudly. “It looked like any fraternity house, like, we all have couches and walls and stuff. We all have parties. We all have drugs….I mean no, we don’t all have drugs, wait, am I gonna get arrested for saying that?” Sociologist Rupert Schist has asked to come to the U to do further research on the incident. His current study is analyzing the correlation between Greek life and the “Suburban Boredom Phenomena.” “Most members of Greek life come from middle-upperclass suburban families. Greek life, in many ways, mirrors that of these suburban socialites. Predictable social activities, residing in houses that resemble their neighbors’,

THE TOP TEN Rumors UMN Students Want to Start on Yik Yak All of the mega-assholes out there are having a frickin’ hay day with Yik Yak. There’s now a place where you can say whatever you want about anyone you want and no one will ever know you said it—an asshole’s utopia. Frankly, we wanted to get in on all the fun and start some good rumors. 10.) Bucky Badger likes butt stuff: What rumor about Bucky Badger isn’t hilarious?! Especially when the rumor is vulgar and crass. Double whammy! 9.) FREE MESA TODAY: How great would it be to see thousands of students mad dash to Dinkytown only to be hella let down? It’ll feel similar to that one time Brett Favre came back to play a second season for the Vikings and then ended up sucking horribly. 8.) Goldy is actually 2 Chainz: This is like that time the rumor was going around on Twitter that 2 Chainz was coming for Spring Jam, only funnier because then everyone would rap “SHE GOT A BIG BOOTY SO I CALL HER BIG BOOTY” to a poor soul in a rodent costume just trying to make people smile. 7.) New Snapchat leaked of student group snorting Crystal Lite: Because it’s always great fun to see Yik Yak out of control with allegations of a student group snorting illegal drugs… if you know what we mean.

extramarital affairs and an infatuation with their exclusive community—much like what we see in classic suburban Americana.” Schist continues, “Like the monotonous suburbs they spawn from, many Greek members reach a certain point of ennui. In suburban life, neighbors reach a mid-life crisis and suddenly nothing is exciting about block parties, or Christmas potlucks, or the ladies’ crochet day. Eventually things become too routine.”

“I MEAAAAAANNN YOU CAN’T PROOOOOVE THAT WE HAD THE NOSE CANDY.” “Likewise, repetitive big-little crafts, philanthropy events, and t-shirt designing becomes droning after awhile for these sorority ladies. Things need to get shaken up. Perhaps that’s why this young BUT decided to violate drugfree social norms.” The Panhellenic Council is taking this scandal very seriously and enforcing strict disciplinary action within the sorority. BUT has agreed to

a number of new rules concerning their conduct. They’re under house arrest until the end of the semester. At every sorority meeting, the UMPD is present, and they will check the girls’ bags, Hunter rain boots, Columbia jackets, iPhone 6 cases, acrylic nails— anywhere the girls could sneak cocaine. The girls must all retake and pass an accelerated D.A.R.E. program to remain in Beta Upsilon Tau, or the house will forfeit its charter. Each of the girls will have their photo taken and Photoshopped to show what the pretty stars would look like after years of cocaine abuse.

6.) TCF is going to start breathalyzing all students when they enter the stadium: Sending this out right before the football game would start every student tweaking out into a massive panic attack which would be great to watch and would make great content for an afternoon soap opera. Not only are students sloshed already, most have numerous beers shoved up their butt cracks as well, so you better believe they’re gonna freak out. 5.) CAs now able to enter rooms without consent to find booze: We know that almost every freshman dorm room has at least two liters of shitty alcohol hidden in their ottoman with a case of beer in their desk and probably a couple flasks under their pillows, so the looks of pure, unadulterated freshman panic would be a great way to spice up a boring weekday. 4.) Taco Bell soon opening on 4th and 13th: Although Dinky has some pretty bitchin’ drunk food as it is, the only thing it’s lacking is Taco Bell. Everyone would get more excited than when Waka Flocka was at Sig Chi and let people take pictures with him. 3.) Every day is actually meatless Monday: We just want to freak people out by saying that the mystery meat that has the texture of mashed potatoes actually isn’t even meat after all. Surprise! You’ve been eating meat-flavored substitute all year!

What does Schist have to say about this? According to Schist, this change in character represents how the Suburban Boredom Phenomena causes a radical change in the dynamic of a social group. “I would say given what I’ve seen already, the BUTs will not be the girls they used to be. The most common result of a scandal like this is a radical change in behavior. These girls are going through intense, almost militaristic reconditioning. They might come out of this situation unrecognizable. Watch out, because they’ll beat up anyone who tells them to ‘blow it out their rear.’”

2.) Ebola at the U: Pretty sure we wouldn’t need to put this on Yik Yak to get people to believe it. Ebola is one of those things that, for some reason, just mentioning the word gets everyone’s panties in a bundle and not in the good way. 1.) Iowa students can’t handle their booze: We all hate ‘em. We all want to see their demise, and as a student body that largely prides itself on its ability to drink anyone out of town, what’s funnier than picturing your rival take two shots and pass out? Cora Neisen wrote this

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS If you woke up as a member of the opposite sex tomorrow—besides the sex stuff—what’d be the first thing you’d do?

JOE, SOPHOMORE

“I just woke up? I would probably make breakfast.”

MOLLY, FRESHMAN

“I would write my name in pee in the snow.”

RYAN, FRESHMAN

“I would head to the weight room and see if I could bench the same amount.”

GURLS RULE

Victoria Petelin wrote this

Rowing at the University of Minnesota is unique, it’s the only varsity sport available to students who haven’t had prior experience. As a result, many of the women on the team are new recruits, and therefore unfamiliar with the intense training and competitive atmosphere of varsity sports. When asked about their experience on the team so far, the responses were overwhelmingly positive. “Our coach, Peter Morgan, is really easy to talk to,” said freshman rower Rachel Hsu, “he keeps everyone fit and ready to compete, yet he always reminds us never to overexert ourselves. We wouldn’t want to risk injury.” Yet, when asked if anyone had sustained an injury this season, Hsu started to look uncomfortable. “No… not really,” she said as she rubbed her sweaty palms together and receded into her chair. Rowers are eager to talk about the sense of community they have nurtured during the first couple weeks of training. One of the coxswains, Alexandria Abrams, was particularly eager to talk about the strong bond between teammates. “Sometimes it can be really hard to trust one another, especially when every week one of us must be chosen as a human sacrifi-- I mean, when one of us has to sit out of the boat for the day.” Abrams was later spotted speaking loudly and obviously about her addiction to hallucinogens the next time one of our reporters visited the boathouse, yet we decided

her comment still warranted further questioning. We chose to speak with one of the more experienced rowers, who we’ll call “Mary Fischer” for the sake of anonymity. “Rowing is a great way to stay involved at the U, maintain school pride, and quench the bloodlust of the-- we’re not supposed to talk about that,” she said, while her eyes flitted nervously around the room. To relieve some of her stress, our reporter suggested a walk down by the river, but Fischer refused. “The river…” she mused, drifting off as her eyes widened in fear. Our reporter tried to make small talk such as, “How do you feel about early-morning practice times?” and, in response, Fischer’s body started convulsing uncontrollably as her eyes rolled back into her skull. After our reporter quickly followed The Black Sheep emergency procedure and drew a pentagram around Fischer with chalk, she calmed down. “This needs to stop,” she said, “the river is too powerful… some of us have given in…” That night, one of our reporters decided to investigate. She hid in the bushes as the rowers went out onto the river for their evening practice. At around 7:15 a giant whirlpool breached the Mississippi. The chasm deepened and pierced the ninth circle of Hell. The whirlpool formed a mouth and the mouth began to sing the theme from Two and a Half Men. Thousands of rat bodies and the

occasional steel-toed boot rushed to the surface of the river, which had reached a nice rolling boil. The women’s row team reached the edge of the mouth when a scabbed tongue rolled out of the whirlpool like a Fruit Roll-Up. The weakest of the rowers stepped onto the platform and waved farewell. Practice was over by 7:45. We later returned to the boathouse for a follow-up interview. Our opening question, “Do you ever feel

a sense of rivalry with the men’s row team?” was met with fairly normal responses. “Sometimes we see them on the ergs and it’s hard not to feel any competitive tension.”Yet when we asked how many souls the Mississippi river claimed during the 2014 rowing season, they began to casually hiss and spew blood from the pores of their faces. We decided that this line of questioning was too dangerous to pursue, so we dropped the subject and wished the possessed rowers good luck reclaiming their souls.

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON-CAMPUS FEATURE: THE UMN WOMEN’S ROW TEAM

NOW LEASING FOR 2014 & 2015!

Call 612.379.6082 to schedule an appointment or visit TheRailApts.com

THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour Mon-Sat 3-8pm 2 for 1 on “Almost” Anything $1 OFF Appetizers LATE NIGHT Happy Hour Fri-Sat 8pm10PM: $3 Calls, Wells and Any Tap, $4 Vodka Red Bulls

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

SATURDAY! Cabooze & MJG Pro Present: “Front Porch Hoedown” Feat. Useful Jenkins w/ Rumpke Mountain Boys & Burbillies

WEDNESDAY: $2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Thursday 11/13

8pm-Close: All-U-Care-2-Drink with a College or Military ID $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O-Bombs, $3 UV Vodka

Karaoke Thursdays! Free Shot When You Sing Karaoke $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 U-Call-It Shots

Seahorse Productions Presents: Aitas/Lifted Mindz/Upstanding Hoodrat Doors 9:00 PM, Music 10:00 PM, Age 18+, Cover $5.00

Half price bottles of wine starting at 5pm Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Friday 11/14

8pm-Close: $4 Three Olives Vodka $5 Three Olives Flavored Long Islands, $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Saturday 11/15

8pm-Close: $4 Bacardi $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Cabooze & MJG Pro Present: “Front Porch Hoedown” Feat. Useful Jenkins w/ Rumpke Mountain Boys & Burbillies Doors 8:30 PM, Music 9:30 PM, Age 18+, Adv. $10, Door $12, ON SALE!

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Sunday 11/16

Open ONLY for Vikings & Special Events $3 Wells and Domestic Taps $4 Calls, Micro/Import Taps

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

First Avenue Presents: THE BLUEGRASS BALL featuring THE TRAVELIN’ MCCOURYS & THE JEFF AUSTIN BAND (formerly of Yonder Mountain String Band) Advance $18, Doors $20

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Monday 11/17

Mason Jar Monday (8pm-Close) $3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double UV Vodka & Rails $5 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud or Bud Light Towers.

Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Cabooze Presents: “Some Love Lost” Tour w/ Joe Budden & Emilio Rojas Special Guests: Rawgee & Ceeza DaEmperor Adv. $15, Door $20, ON SALE! VIP w/ Meet & Greet $50 (Online Only)

Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Cabooze Presents: Kung Fu w/ Circle of Heat Doors 9:00 PM, Music 10:00 PM, Age 18+, $3 Rail Drinks and Tall Boy Cans, 2-4-1 Cover w College ID

$2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Birthday Karaoke Night!

Tuesday 11/18

8pm - Close: $3 U-Call It’s Rails, Calls and Every Beer on Tap

Wednesday 11/19

8pm-Close: $0.25 Wings with College or Military ID, or purchase of a $8 AUCD wristband. ($.50 without) $8 AUC2D Miller Lite Tap, Wells, Bacardi Oakheart, $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall Boys”

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints

Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM; 2-4-1 drinks: 4 PM-close; Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

THE BAR GRID MONDAY! College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! $10 Fishbowls

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

SPECIAL NIGHT

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan 9 & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight

Thursday 11/13

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles 7pm-Close

Friday 11/14

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

Saturday 11/15

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close

Sunday 11/16

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

Monday 11/17

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Trivia Tuesday w/ Tim (8-Close): $3 Domestic Taps, $4 Craft & Import Taps Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm - Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

Tuesday 11/18

WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to All Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

Karaoke 9-Close w/ $3 Summit Taps Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, 43 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

Wednesday 11/19

CLUE BANK

ROLLIN' WITH SUSHI wordsearch California • Spicy Tuna • Rattlesnake • Avocado Philadelphia • Yellowtail • Alaskan • Dragon Hawaiian • Caterpillar • Tiger • Rainbow Salmon • Dynamite • Utamaki • Futo Maki Nori • Wasabi • Ginger • Soy Sauce

ANS WER KEY

Twitter @BLACKSHEEP_UMN

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 4 ou

1) Superheroes: For what superhero does great power come with great responsibility?

the turning point in the European theater of WWII.

2) Celebrity: Among accusations of cheating, Amber Rose recently split with what musician?

7) Food: What foodstuff comes in varieties including: Palazzo, Red Eye, Wiener Melange, and Iced?

3) Math: If you have $450 and a monthly interest rate of 10%, how much money will you have after 1 month? 4) Liquor: Famously, Jack Daniel’s whiskey is distilled in what state? 5) Language: What kind of word functions as the name of some specific set of things? 6) World History: Now known as Volgograd, the defense of this Russian city was seen as

ABBY, MIDDLEBROOK HALL CA

THE DRINKING GAME

PASSING YOUR PAPER It’s about that time of the year when you’ll have to write a paper or two for every class (seriously, go check your syllabus, you idiot). The Black Sheep understands you probably haven’t been to class since...ever, so it’s time to start seriously thinking about how you’re going to get through this paper with absolutely no preparation. What You’ll Need: A bottle of whisky, your laptop, the creativity of a crying, lower-class three year old in a box. Number of Players: Just one. You can’t really cheat if you’re making everything up on the fly. Level of Intoxication: Ph.D-level (enough to think you’ve become Einstein) How to Play: – About 3 hours before your paper is due, begin freaking out. – About 2 and ½ hours before your paper is due and after 6 shots of whisky, begin calming down (“I got this!”). – Find out what subject your paper is on (ECON 103) – Realize that if you say enough business jargon in each sentence, it will seem coherent to anyone who has seen a movie scene taking place in New York. – “The stock capital of the market gains is always bound by the corporate venture.” (PERFECT) – About 2 hours before your paper is due, submit it online (Great job, you’re early!) The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning and realize you only wrote half a page of misspelled Wall St. lingo and that your paper was on the history of the American Civil War.

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8) American Presidents: Three United States Presidents have died in office without being assassinated. Name two. 9) Cars: What is the only large-scale Swedish automaker currently importing cars to the United States? 10) Internet: What social media platform’s slogan is, “World’s Largest Professional Network”?

Abby’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Spider Man 2) Not sure 3) $495 4) Wisconsin 5) Lexicon 6) Moscow 7) Coffee 8) Franklin D. Roosevelt, Zachary Taylor 9) I hate cars10) LinkedIn

1) Spider Man 2) Wiz Khalifa 3) $490 4) Tennessee 5) Noun 6) Stalingrad 7) Coffee 8) Franklin D. Roosevelt, Zachary Taylor, Warren G. Harding 9) Volvo 10) LinkedIn

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

MOSTLY-DONE SEMESTER MOSTACHOLI AY, VENI-VICI! It’s almost over, ya’ meatball. That means it’s time to make some mostacholi and FUGGEDABOUTIT! But seriously, this is some serious brain food that will help you pass your upcoming exams. Or at least make you happy about one thing in your life. What You’ll Need: Some damn pasta, ya’ pepperoni head! Get some sauce too! Fatty Factor: Uncle Jupiter’s stomach’s gonna’ damn near explode. Let’s Get Baked: – Pop on your best Chef Boyardee hat and get your ass in the kitchen. – Find some pasta (any pasta will do, we’re not real Italians over here). – Pour your pasta in a pot of boiling water and cook it for...uhh, I dunno’...tree’ minutes. – Pack some sauce on that mound’a pasta and get mixin’. – Pour it all in a bowl and put one of those leaves on top – that’s how the real Italians do it. DOE’! Wasn’t ‘dat easy? Quick, clean, tasty, efficient, BOOM! Next time you’re freaking out about a little test, take it down a notch and get yourself some pastacholi.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Despite Tight Firm Mobility and Falling Stock Prices,

Terrible Boyfriend Negotiates Three-Way sed many, freshman ri rp su at th e ov m In a is girlfriend, h d ce in v n co r le al Zach W iest ge in one of the risk ga en to e, n o h R e Maggi iend market. fr rl gi e th in ts en investm

Mooney wrote this l u a P

Last weekend when Maggie visited Zach, the two of them had a three-way with Zach’s friend. Both are freshmen who graduated from high school in June. Maggie stayed in New Jersey to be a nursing student at Rutgers and Zach went to Temple as undeclared. This comes as one of the fiscal quarter’s greatest surprises, as Zach’s share price went down ten points since going away to college. “He hasn’t branched out, he’s not living up to his academic potential, and he hasn’t joined a single club,” said Deborah Jennings, an analyst for Standard & Poor’s who specializes in the girlfriend sector. “He has tits now. His stock just isn’t what it used to be.” On the other side, Maggie’s share value has greatly appreciated in the two months she’s been away. “Maggie has been flourishing at school,” said Anita Gomez, a finance graduate student at Rutgers who’s been tracking the girlfriend exports at her university. “She’s really putting herself out there, and her friends at school are so much cooler than her home friends. She’s joined the feminism club, she writes poetry, and she’s doing that thing with her hair now that she didn’t feel comfortable doing back home. Investors love that thing she does with her hair now.” Besides the disparity of the firms’ growth, the sheer risk of the investment made it so unlikely. Statistically, threeways are the second least successful investments to ask of a business partner, after pee. Moreover, Zach is in no way able to bargain. Over the summer and the first few months of school, Zach has incurred a staggering amount of emotional debt. “Zach doesn’t know any of Maggie’s friends’ names, or even the type of people she hangs out with. The past three times he called her he was drunk. Plus, all of his sectors have seen a decrease in performance,” Gomez added. Zach’s quarterly report shows failed growth benchmarks in the Cuddling, Sincere Statements, and Dramatic Gestures sectors. Negative growth was even seen in the Sex sector, which was typically his strongest, seeing the lowest quarter of orgasms since he expanded operations to the clitoris. Moreover, the context of the proposal for the three-way was a blundered operation. It was proposed in his dorm room, without prior consultation, with Catherine Harty, the girl who put the “three” in the three-way. Maggie hadn’t even met Catherine before; Catherine, on the other hand, had already agreed to it. This happened after a long presentation about fidelity Maggie gave a month ago, via PowerPoint at a quarterly negotiation. “Many construed economic concepts are at play here,” said Rutgers economics professor Kevin Hudson, “Maggie is operating in the short-term, with no consideration for the future. One factor that Maggie isn’t considering is opportunity cost.” Truthfully, Zach’s emotional investment averages twenty points less return than the standard boy who flirts with Maggie on a daily basis. “Moreover, she isn’t specializing her assets. Maggie would work best in a merger that lets her be who she’s meant to be, and not drag her down. Zach, who is developing into the Disappointing Loser industry, isn’t letting her reach that potential.” Another misconception Maggie has is the fixed cost of a breakup with Zach. Though the cost would be high, even while remaining single she would generate emotional profit over a two-year period. Additionally, Maggie’s huge appreciation as a stock presents a bright landscape for future investment. “That girl’s killin’ it,” said Dr. Hudson. What Maggie also isn’t considering is the surprising growth she’s shown, despite a struggling girlfriend market that still hasn’t fully recovered from the mortgage crisis of 2008, in which romantic loans were made that couldn’t be paid off. “Essentially, investors would say ‘I love you’ before such a statement could be reinforced, and these debts piled up,” said Jennings. The whole market kept building

like a house of cards until it all collapsed with a series of break-ups from relationships that just didn’t seem to be going anywhere. “Maggie’s still shown significant growth despite the financial climate. So yeah, she’s killin’ it.”

Zach’s quarterly report shows failed growth benchmarks in the Cuddling, Sincere Statements, and Dramatic Gestures sectors.

Unknown to Maggie, the elasticity of her supply has greatly decreased. “Maggie thinks that she can’t ask for a better boyfriend at her emotional price, but that’s simply not true,” Jennings said. “She also deeply misunderstands the girlfriend market structure. She acts like it’s a monopoly, where Zach is the only provider and he can set whatever price because there’s no other providers; in reality, it’s like monopolistic competition, where every firm offers their own product and has total control of that product. However, none of these firms have any large market control. As the economist Beyoncé wrote in her seminal paper, ‘I could have another you in a minute.’ ” The lengthy history between the two firms serves some explanation for the current situation. Maggie opened for trade with a fairly low IPO in 2012. Zach, one of the most popular firms at Union High School, offered to buy the firm outright, but negotiations fell through. After the school year was over, Zach’s rising stock and alcohol finally caused initial business relations. Over the summer, the two went from a thing, to not being official, to no one really knows what they are, to pretty much a real thing but not really, to pretty much a thing but only sort of, until an official merger plan was set in place and the two became Facebook official. Through junior year, Zach maintained his high stock price and built healthy customer relations with his effective partnership skills. Maggie’s social price also rose, due to going out with Zach to parties more, as well as her boobs finally growing in at the age of sixteen. “Boobs are important to high school investors,” Gomez added. Senior year saw few changes, though Zach’s senioritis and growing affinity for sweatpants took a small drain on his stock price. With unforeseen growth prospects, Maggie agreed to a long-term trade agreement of Skype calls and a Snapchat best friendship. “I’ve been following the market recently, and I can honestly say that I’m shocked at the current disparity of the firms,” said Delaware finance student Michael Doyle, Zach’s sexiled roommate.

Maggie is operating in the short-term, with no consideration for the future. One factor that Maggie isn’t considering is opportunity cost.

Though the long-term agreement exists, there are likely prospects for the merger to split in the near future. “The three-way was a terrible idea,” said Dr. Hudson. “I mean, it worked, so maybe it was a great idea, but it probably destroyed the merger as we know it.” “Maybe this is what Maggie needs to start looking for new employers,” said Gomez. “Currently, she has a standing offer from sophomore Marcus Jackson.” A “standing offer” is a financial term for fleeting moments of eye contact and text messages with at least a 30% increase in emojis. “Besides being at her school, he has a significantly higher stock value. His personality ratio is much higher than Zach’s, as well as pretty much every other aspect of his firm.” “Economically, he’s a much more efficient investment,” said Jennings. Aside from an overall greater responsiveness to hints and listening skills, Marcus could be the specialized industry Maggie could benefit from moving to. Discussions about Bob’s Burgers with Marcus have yielded twice as much laughter as those with Zach, mainly because he never watched it. Marcus’ comments about Maggie’s one crooked tooth made her blush 44% more than Zach’s compliments; an even higher disparity is seen when comparing Zach’s comments on the same tooth, most of which involved the phrase “scratchy head.” When pressed for comment, results were overwhelmingly positive. Maggie avoided eye contact and said “I don’t know,” while smiling, commonly considered among investors as the clearest confirmation possible in finance today.

“The three-way was a terrible idea. I mean, it worked... but it probably destroyed the merger as we know it.”

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FAMOUS TOMS CROSSWORD ACROSS: 1) Tom Ford is famous for the turnaround of which fashion company? 3) Tommy Pickles is a character on which Nickelodeon show? 4) Tom Anderson was your first friend on this social networking site. 8) Tom Hanks won his first Academy Award for his role in which film? 9) THOMAS is a database in the United State Congress of what kind of information? 10) The 3rd President of the United States, Thomas who? 11) The 4th album by The Who. 15) Jean Ralphio’s friend Tom in Parks and Recreation. 16) Rotten Tomatoes is a website devoted to what? (two words) 18) Tom Arnold is famous for being married to who? 19) Tom Cruise’s real last name is this.

5) Tom Riddle is which character in Harry Potter? 6) Tom Petty's band. 7) This Thomas is a famous painter from the 1700s. 12) Tom Yorke is the lead singer of this band. 13) Perhaps Mark Twain’s most famous character, two words. 14) This Thomas invented the light bulb, amongst many other things. 17) A popular company, owned by Entenmann’s, that makes English muffins.

DOWN: 2) Tom and Jerry is a show based on what two animals? 4) Tom Brady played football for which university?

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