The Black Sheep
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Vol. 5, Issue 13
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
12/5/13 - 12/11/13
investigative Special: UMN to Heighten Security Presence on Campus BY: David Zirinsky Recently, crime reports have bombarded student email accounts, making their Text-U alerts resemble an obsessive girlfriend. “Lately there has been an uptick in violent jaywalking, littering, riding bikes on sidewalks, and third degree assaults with a Bible,” police commissioner James Gordon said in a crime alert email sent to the entire student body. He also added, “We will not be intimidated by thugs, nor the rabid squirrels who dare threaten the safety of our campus.” The university announced that it would quadruple the amount of security monitors on duty each night. When Gordon was asked about the new program he said, “This is a great way to ensure campus safety. We can all agree that we face a huge amount of adversity because we’re surrounded by an above-average number of space heaters, which makes crime a threat during any season.” While some very prominent statisticians have pointed out that crime rates have been dropping since *N-Sync was still touring, we’re now facing an institutional security crisis reminiscent of the time UDS decided to reduce the number of chocolate chips in their cookies. The university announced that anyone walking around after 4p.m. on campus will need a security monitor to escort them around, noting, “We need to show prospective students and parents that we care about safety”.
Even with more security monitors around, many students fear for their safety. “I can’t go over to a friend’s house right now because I’m afraid I’ll be assaulted by architecture majors with giant poster boards. Many students on campus were under some serious stress due to not being in a safe situation. “You never know when you’re going to be next! I could have a Bible thrown at me anytime,” said sophomore Emily Lipton at 8:07p.m. on a Tuesday night. “When people jaywalk I get really scared because they’re breaking the rules and I have an irrational fear of tennis shoes,” Ariel Smith said as she waited patiently for a walk signal with no cars anywhere in sight. While some view the surge in number of security monitors in a positive light, many students continue to wonder how security monitors helped in the first place. Security monitor Jordan Nelson said, “We have a flashlight, and I guess I can use my smartphone to call the police if I can actually get service on campus.” When asked how security monitors were different than a pedestrian with a cell phone Nelson replied, “We have a cool jacket that has a badge on it.” Many security monitors have been spotted sleeping on the new Goldy statue due to the monotony that comprises their job. In exit interviews, many past security monitors say that they only took the job for the money to fund their crafting
addiction, and the fact that they weren’t flipping burgers for a living, except for one weird time in the basement of Five Guys. “I couldn’t even use my flashlight on the job as a weapon. Just like a penguin at flight school, I had no authority to do anything. I
couldn’t even confiscate someone’s weed and smoke it myself,” former security monitor Brandon Svetnik said. University Police Chief Gregg Hestness was quoted as saying, “We’ve never actu-
ally had a security monitor stop a crime, but you know, if we keep hiring more, statistically speaking, they could someday.” And if anything, that kind of glass half full, or barely full, attitude is what we like to see here at the University of Minnesota.
page 4
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Gun control in the Rec Center
Apartment crawl exposes love for luxury
The Vikings move to Comedy Central
Think again before giving anyone tickets to your gun show.
Students just aren’t about that “relatively homeless” lifestyle.
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Rec Center Posts New Regulations on Gun Control By: Mathew Kennedy As of late, the debate on gun control has been a hot topic in these good ole’ Twin-Cities. And now, the debate has moved even closer to home. The Rec Center has fallen under newfound criticism after unveiling their new regulations on gun control in the facility. At noon today, Rec Center President Jack Hermanson held a press conference in the men’s locker room to showcase the new gun control regulations that are having constituents, literally, up in arms. Amongst these new laws are an enforcement of a No Flex Zone, a No-Shouting-While-Lifting-To-GetAttention regulation, and an overt emphasis on the “conceal” aspect of Conceal and Carry. “We expected the laws to be met with some controversy,” Hermanson said, “There are a lot of people who have attempted to walk into here buttass naked to make a point, while others have been seen sporting a winter parka and snow pants to state the contrary.” Shortly following the press conference, pro-gun control activist, Larry Peterson, arrived on the scene. Peterson has been involved in the movement ever since the Schwarzenegger Scandal of ’77 (note: details remain classified). He believes in the sanctity
of one’s arms. He’s under the impression that cutoff shirts are the devil and that a man or woman’s arms are only to be displayed in their respective household. Gun control would be the “safe and Jesus-worthy” thing for the Rec Center to do. Peterson explained, “It’s really just a hormonal imbalance thing. They’re trying to prove something to all of the other meat-headed assholes in there. In actuality, it’s unsafe for women and children, and those puppies need to be put away.” And like a bipolar polar bear, gun rights enthusiast John Barry countered Peterson’s argument. Barry has participated in several gun rights promotion events. The Sleeveless Shirt and Tanning Oil Rally on Hennepin, and the Instagram Selfie Movement based out of The Hole are the most well known of these shenanigans. He’s been known to get pretty crazy with the protein shots on Friday nights as well. His only argument is “This is America, if you can eat 69 hot dogs in one sitting, you should be able to showcase what you got at the Rec.” Word, John. Word. “I blame Obama,” Barry said bitterly, “You would think that Obamacare would actually care about showing off your toned arms. Come on man, we
need them to protect our family and to compensate for below-average sex organs. The fact that our privilege to look like airheaded losers is being restricted is frightening. I may just move to Canada.”
get more gun-owners over to their side. So far, the success of these methods has been inconclusive, but they’ve also decided to stake out the Nerf gun section at Target in hopes of finding more advocates.
The topic has received a bit of national attention following the release of new regulations. The laws have been broadcasted in random snow banks and during halftime of the Wisconsin vs. Gophers football game. On location reporters from several news outlets and a bunch of Asian students who were promised free pizza were on location to spread the word as well.
A proud gun owner, Rob Jenkins, was swayed immediately. Jenkins explained, “When I learned I wouldn’t be able to flex the pythons while hitting on the girl with yoga pants and daddy issues, I was like, ‘forget about it man.’ I have to be able to flex to make up for a small dick and shitty social skills.”
The pro-gun student group has already been hard at work fighting the laws. They’ve been selling puka shell necklaces and homemade hair gel in order to
The voters will get a say come next semester. But for now, we can all but wonder if we’ll see a ripped, tomato-looking men, flex in the floor-to-ceiling mirror ever again, with their guns locked and loaded ever again. Only time will tell.
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The
Top
Ten
Ways to Feed Yourself Cheaply By: Alexandra Adams
As fall semester begins to wrap up, we’re all getting poorer. You’re working fewer hours so you can do all the studying you put off for the last three months, you don’t have the helpful assistance of Christmas money yet, and your student loans are essentially depleted. You need to feed yourself, fast and cheap. 10.) Tell someone at a party you’re taking them home, but make them buy you food first: Whether you’re dragging someone from Dinky to Como or the West Bank to the SuperBlock, you can find somewhere to stop and get some sustenance. After the person pays for your meal, either proceed to take him home or just ditch ‘em in the crowd. If you want to do the ditching thing, we suggest the terribly packed confines of DrunkDonld’s. 9.) Ramen noodles: If you haven’t gone through packet after packet of this MSG-laden, artificially flavored poison, how can you even call yourself a college student?
Apartment Crawl Exposes Students’ Love for Luxury Apartments By: Cora Neisen It’s the time of year when students decide next year they probably shouldn’t live out of box on the corner of 4th and 15th. Just like signing up for a year subscription to 365 days of Felt: a Fabric Filled Magazine, finding a place to live involves quite the commitment. If you like to live on the edge (not to be confused with the apartment complex, The Edge), there are always ways around signing that dreadful lease. For instance, you can “live at home” AKA crash on your best friend’s couch every night, or sleep in a bathroom stall at DrunkDonald’s. The bottom line when being relatively homeless is that you’re sure to meet a wide array of people. Seriously, where else will you find a homeless man with nunchucks and velvet bellbottoms, or a girl wearing nothing but a bejeweled bra, alternately sobbing and singing an out-of-tune version of Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats”? For most University of Minnesota students the “relatively homeless” lifestyle isn’t for them. Instead, they’ll be forced to enter the world of granite countertops, wood floors, and mediocre parties. And let’s get real, sitting down to research other options is far too much work, especially when there’s a Family Guy marathon on TV. When that’s the case, many students turn toward the readily-available luxury apartments. Making our own “apartment crawl” of the occasion, The Black Sheep got out on the streets to talk to students about the “great” deals they’ve found on apartments so far. Beginning our journey at FloCo, we found a group of freshmen girls who signed a lease in September for next year. “We really wanted a luxury apartment because, like, I am NOT going to live in a house with the possibility that the toilet falls through the floor and mice feast on our organic edamame and dried kale” one girl commented. “Plus we got a really good deal. We’re only paying like $695 a month AND only 3.5 people have to live in one room!” It was later clarified that the .5 is their apartment mascot, a cat found on The Bridge, named Mittens.
Her slightly sheepish friend emerged from the back telling us that she was recently hospitalized because she ran out of plasma while trying to come up with the security deposit for Dinkydome. “But seriously who cares, I will have hardwood floors and I don’t even know what plasma does.” Leaving the ignorance and fancy sheetrock of FloCo, we crossed the street to the Knoll. The suede rugs, LCD elevator buttons, and light fixtures that looked like they’d be in the Varsity Theater bathroom told us we had made it to Sydney Hall, or Doran Country. We ran into two guys in the elevator who commented on their loyalty to Doran, “Doran really understands the needs of the tenant and does everything in the best interest of the students.” When asked to comment on the fact the Doran is really just a large monopoly charging students exorbitant amounts of money and providing shitty Wi-Fi, the guys pulled lightsabers out of their pants and yelled, “HOW DARE YOU INSULT OUR MASTER!” Needless to say, we let ourselves out. While strolling down University, we decided to hang a left on 12th and see what was happenin’ at 412. We stopped a group of four girls who had just signed a lease, and were screaming about putting Ryan Gosling posters and Marilyn Monroe quotes all over the walls. “I’m so excited. I literally just signed a lease for, like, the best apartment in Dinky. They gave us such a good price, only $820 a month! You won’t find prices like that anywhere else, right?” We muttered something about paying half of that in a house near 8th and 14th, but who’s really counting, and went on our merry way. With all this hoopla, you bet your bottom dollar that finding a place to live next year is really just going to kick you in the financial keyster. Whether you choose to live in a box, sleep at DrunkDonald’s, or sell a kidney to afford the luxury apartments, you better act fast because leases for the 2014-2015 school year are going fast folks.
8.) Dig around in trashcans: Is this a last resort? Absolutely. It’s embarrassing, gross, and actually kind of sad, like your high school sweetheart. But, if you get drunk enough, you could probably do it, like your high school sweetheart! 7.) Trick a freshman into befriending you: Because really, how many of your guest passes did you use in the dining hall? Probably like two. That means there are tons of 18-year-old buffet tickets walking around campus. Why not befriend one for the free grub? 6.) Booby-trap your food: Sometimes we don’t have food just because that idiot roommate got drunk and just needed some Pop-Tarts. No more! Why not Raiders of the Lost Ark your kitchen cabinet? Have a giant circular rock fall on anyone who tries to eat the food your parents bought you fair and square. Bonus points for sound effects. 5.) Tell your parents you miss them: You’re just dying to see them and want them to visit right away. And while mom and dad are around, have them take you out to eat. They miss you so much they probably won’t get upset at you for ordering four or more things. Probably. 4.) Come up with a street performance act: If you need a few bucks for a meal at Tony’s Diner, do a mime act outside until you get enough cash. If miming’s not in your wheelhouse, maybe try breakdancing. But not if you’re white. Oh god, you’re white, aren’t you?
3.) Steal food from house parties: It’s all about carefully awaiting a time when everyone is distracted, then shoving food into every available part of your person. While leaving the party, look out for anyone who may ask why you suddenly got fat. If that happens, just get all offended and say something like: “Stress, but thanks for pointing it out!” and then run away, hoping a box of Kraft doesn’t explode out of your pants. 2.) Work somewhere that gives you free food: There is an urban legend that some Subways let you make your own sandwich every shift. With those kind of perks, who needs health insurance? 1.) Go to all those campus events: It seems like every club at the U wants to bribe you with food. And really, why not go? Free candy, sandwiches, or pizza are all well worth the walk to Coffman.
05
Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets If you could eliminate one word from the English language, what would it be? hman Joelle, Fres
“I’m deciding between crotch and panties. They speak for themselves.”
man Mitch, Fresh
“Moist. Say it out loud and tell me you disagree.”
shman Steven, Fre
“Like. Cause everyone says it, like, all the time.”
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Comedy Central Presents: The Vikings By: Jake Giebel
Where does a mob of the nicest, plaid-wearing people run and hide when Dave Dahl reports that a tornado is coming? The Metrodome, because they never get any touchdowns there. With a record that’s worse than a one-hit-wonder, it’s no surprise that the Minnesota Vikings’ games will air on Comedy Central for the rest of the season. Some of you may be asking, “Why?” but we’re sure more of you are saying “about damn time!” FOX reportedly paid the Vikings to not play on their network this Sunday because they’d rather host a three-hour talk show about the difference between The Jonas Brothers and One Direction than air the awful Vikings to dismal rankings brought on by dismissive fans. Comedy Central has swooped in, deciding to roll the dice on airing Vikings games in lieu of Weekend at Bernie’s II. The network hopes to make viewers more comfortable with the comedic nature that is Vikings games, which isn’t really that hard. Soon, it’ll be okay to laugh when Green Bay’s Aaron Rodgers throws for more yards in one drive than Christian Ponder does all season. The Vikings squad is filled with grown-ass men who would be better off playing on a weird Japanese game show than out on the field playing football. Yes, the Minnesota Vikings playing on Comedy Central now means audiences can look forward to laughing for four entire quarters. In the past, when watching the good ole’ Vikings, audiences would find themselves yelling at the TV as if they
were John Madden circa 2005, while simultaneously rage-breaking every beer bottle within a 5-foot radius. Now, instead of raising the blood pressure and making that vein in their forehead pop, Vikings fans can just laugh about it. Considering Sundays are little more than a hung-over morass of hating the world, the stale taste of cigarettes, and a boatload of regret, just leave it up to Comedy Central to break the tension and provide some witty commentary along the way. As far as the emotional side of things, the Vikings already have postseason therapy scheduled for the players and staff to bounce back from the emotional trauma they are sure to continue to endure. If you’re worried that as an audience member, you too will become irreversibly scared from such a viewing, opt to light up and mellow out to some Yo Gabba Gabba!, which may be even more entertaining than a Vikings game. You could even go to your local brick building and count all of the bricks it took to build it. Whatever floats your boat. It doesn’t matter that Minnesota can produce Fortune 500 companies and enough artificial cheese to make a thousand grilled cheese sandwiches if it can’t even produce a quality football team. Whether you are a Vikings fan or just in need of a good laugh, tune in to watch the Vikings put on the best comedy show Comedy Central has seen since they tried to film a monkey shaking hands with Obama.
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UMN Listens to Students’ Complaints,
Cancels Finals By: Brian Barsotti In a startling decision, administrators at the University of Minnesota have decided to cancel all final examinations and term papers for the Fall 2013 semester. The revised schedule is to carry on with the rest of the school year as normal but “without the whole finals thing.” This change has come about after vast quantities of complaints from the student body. Administrators noted the consensus among both students and professors is that finals “totally blow” and are a “huge waste of time.” In fact, a campus-wide poll revealed that final exams have an even lower approval rating than cancer-AIDS (the worst type of AIDS).
in having them?” Kaler went on to justify their decision to nix final exams. “Looking back on it, it was unreasonable of us to expect students to not only study new material but also to retain that knowledge for a matter of months, especially after all the hardcore partying they need to do on a weekly basis,” Kaler said. “Everyone knows that any information worth learning should be forgotten within a week, which is why finals are a poor indicator of one’s study habits and work ethic. It even says it in the name: FINALS—Fuck, I Never Actually Learned Shit.”
“I don’t know why we didn’t address these complaints sooner than we did,” said University President Eric Kaler. “Students have never liked taking final exams, and professors have never liked grading them, so what’s the point
Critics are attacking this radical change by calling it further evidence of the “pussification” of American higher education system. They say that canceling final exams, as well as a massive grade inflation, reflects a devaluation of
college education—that without the pressure to do well in school, students gain little real-world preparation from their college experience, and public universities become nothing more than booze-filled country clubs. Many, however, see these critics as major buzz-kills. “Hey, we all want students to learn and take school seriously, but we just don’t feel that testing them at the end of the semester is the best way to motivate them,” explained one administrator. “Having one test determine 40% of a student’s grade isn’t helpful. It’s just really stressful, and stress is never good. Stress causes heart attacks. We don’t want to give our students heart attacks; we can’t let that sit on our conscience.” More people are agreeing that finals hold no significant educational value. After all, the only
real consequence from taking final exams is a lifelong recurring nightmare about being back in a lecture hall, unprepared for an important test and in your underwear. And be honest—does anyone spend their time before finals productively? Of course not. They don’t use that free time to study for final exams. They use it to post
complaints on Facebook and Twitter about studying for final exams. “It is clear that finals are a waste of everyone’s time,” President Kaler concluded. “For a while, the school’s faculty was reluctant to agree, but the students begged to differ. Their overwhelmingly negative feedback to final examina-
tions eventually became too great to ignore, because thousands of college kids can’t be wrong, can they? So we put the kibosh on finals. Why, we’re even considering getting rid of midterm exams next semester as well. It just goes to show that voicing your complaints excessively on social media can make a difference.”
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e G GAMES Th IN K IN R D | PECIALS | BAR S ARTICLES
Are You Smarter
than?
1) Nature: An animal that eats both meat and vegetation is classified as this. 2) Cards: In Omaha Hold ‘Em, how many cards in your hand must be used? 3) The Internet: Currently, what is the most viewed YouTube video of all time? 4) Medicine: What is the name of the promise taken by physicians to “do no harm”? 5) Soccer: The 2018 World Cup will be hosted in this Euro-Asian country.
Angelo of Stubb & Herbs
Drinking Game
6) Music: What Goodie Mob member was also a coach on reality game show The Voice? 7) India: When India gained independence in 1947, what country split from it to form a Muslim state? 8) Booze: What is the primary flavoring agent in gin? 9) Football: What team has the most Super Bowl championships, with 6? 10) Art: The Vitruvian Mani is a famous sketch meant to show correct proportions by this man.
Angelo’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Omnivore 2) Two 3) I wish it was the Ghetto Leprechaun 4) I don’t know 5) I don’t know 6) Cee Lo Green 7) I don’t know 8) Juniper berries 9) I know it’s the Steelers, but I’m going to take the 49ers because it SHOULD be them. 10) da Vinci
1) Omnivore 2) Two 3) Psy’s “Gangnam Style” 4) The Hippocratic Oath 5) Russia 6) Cee Lo Green 7) Pakistan 8) Juniper berries 9) Pittsburgh Steelers 10) Leonardo da Vinci
Angelo’s Score: 5 out of 10
Recipe for disaster
The 12 Shots of Christmas
5-Minute Sugar Cookies
It’s finally December and time to start getting ready for Christmas—even though the department stores took care of that weeks ago. Get a bunch of friends, a bunch of alcohol and put Christmas music on Pandora to get the party goin’.
Ever have one of those nights when you’re like, “I NEED SOME SWEETS ASAP OMGGGG,” but don’t have the desire to leave your apartment? Of course you have. We would like to present you with a simple recipe for a classic holiday treat that you can whip up in a matter of minutes. And if you’re short on the ingredients, ask your neighbors—everyone’s in the giving spirit these days.
What You’ll Need: RumChata, eggnog, peppermint schnapps, Fireball, tequila and 12 shot glasses. Number of Players: The more the merrier! Level of Intoxication: You’ll be feeling pretty jolly. How to Play: - Line up 12 shot glasses on a table and fill them with the alcohol of your choice. Feel free to combine them, too. (Hint: RumChata and Fireball, oh my God.) - Designate one player to be Santa. - Have all the players stand in a line or a circle— any shape really, just as long as you can make a distinct order. - The first person starts singing a Christmas carol (we suggest “The 12 Days of Christmas”) and stops after the first line. - The next person must sing the following line of the song. - If the person does not know the lyrics, says them wrong, takes too long of a pause, or does not make their best attempt to sing on-key, they must take a shot.
- Play then continues with the next person who has the sing the line that the previous player messed up. - Keep singing the song until you are finished or all the shots are gone—whichever comes first. If you finish the song with shots left on the table, start a new one! - When all the shots are gone, “Santa” determines who was naughty and who was nice. The “nice” people can pour and take a shot of whatever they like or pass it off to someone else. The “naughty” people are stuck taking a shot of tequila. No chaser. - Pick a new Santa, fill up the shot glasses and go again! The Game Ends When: You empty your bottles or someone pukes in a stocking.
You can also play this game with movie quotes by having the “Santa” pick a film, and the first person having to say a line from it. Then play continues until someone can’t think of a quote.
download our free app for all the games!
What You’ll Need: 2 and 3/4 cups flour, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1/2 teaspoon baking powder, 1 cup softened butter, 1 and 1/2 cups sugar, 1 egg, and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract. Cook Time: OK, so more like 15 minutes instead of 5. Fatty Factor: It’s all butter and sugar, so you do the math. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. - Toss the softened butter and sugar into a bowl and cream until smooth. - Beat in the egg and vanilla extract. - Slowly blend in the flour, baking soda and baking powder. - Roll the resulting dough into small balls and place onto an un-greased cookie sheet. - Bake in the oven for 8 to 10 minutes or until golden brown. If you’re feeling extra-domestic, try adding in cinnamon, chocolate chips, glitter, whatever else Martha Stewart does. We dunno.
nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com 11
The Accounts of the
Mad Vinyl
Collector By: Kevin Wise Hey, guys. The Black Sheep comes bearing sad news. We’ve discovered something; something…evil occurs during the holidays. Perhaps evil is the wrong word. It’s certainly disturbing. During one of our bi-weekly archaeological digs we do over in Portland, we unearthed some tomes. Tomes upon tomes upon tomes, all penned by the same man. Skimming through them, we found pages that told a tale of insurmountable darkness and despair. The man had logged his journey through the vinyl-collecting world, painting his descent in the grimmest way possible. We felt it would be irresponsible not to share it with you; even he wouldn’t wish this fate upon anyone else. And, please, forgive his wicked soul this holiday season. December 25th, 2012: Merry Christmas! Oh, what a great day it’s been. I got to spend the whole evening with my family, just played some Pictionary and hung out, nothing too fancy. Dad couldn’t make it, but that’s Dad for you! Oh, Dad, you and your divorces and Thai child brides! Didn’t ask for much as far as Mom goes, and was surprised to see what I actually got. Mom got me a record player of all things. It’s so weird. All my music’s on my computer. Don’t really see why I’d need a record player. But…I don’t really want to return it. I mean, there’s something charming about it. Like, in an antique sort of way. Yeah, I think I’m gonna keep it. But I should get some music to play on it, of course! Otherwise, what’s the point? Oh, this should be fun! December 29th, 2012: So I finally took time out of the day to make it to one of those indie music stores downtown. I could’ve just ordered some records off the internet with those Amazon gift cards grandma got me, but I figured this’d be more…authentic. It was so small (the store, I mean), but the walls were stacked with all kinds of music. I figured it would mostly be reserved for the older stuff, but it’s good to see I can get that Dixie Chicks Taking the Long Way album I’ve always wanted in a record print. Actually, the guy at the counter informed me they were vinyl, in a rather snooty manner. Well, sorry guy. We’re not all as cool as you, with your nose ring and plugs. Still, I thanked him for correcting me and checked out a bargain bin copy of Home (much to the chagrin of the cashier). Can’t wait until I get to listen to it tomorrow! December 30th, 2012: Finished up listening to my girls, the Dixie Chicks. This time on vinyl. I kind of don’t get it. I mean, I heard that records—excuse me, vinyl albums-- are the purest way to listen to music; that the lack of compression really strengthens the sound, but I don’t really hear it. A lot of hissing and a decent amount of warping coming out of the speakers. It was kind of hard to hear the actual music through all the fuzz. That said... what I did hear gave off a sort of wholesome feel. The instruments felt louder; the drums had a good kick. And the voices were very serene. Natalie’s never sounded better. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll give this thing another chance. January 3rd 2013: Figured out where the hissing was coming from. I just needed a new stylus! Silly me! Got a diamond one. Cost 80 bucks; totally worth it. Martie’s dulcet tones really hit me now. And, as much as I like Home, I’m really thinking about getting some more music to play on this thing. Yeah, it’s a bit pricier than just buying off the internet, but there’s a sort of novelty to these records. Like, a I-gotta-have-‘em-all feeling. Well, I’ll see how it goes. Gonna head back to that store sometime next week.
The Accounts of the Mad Vinyl Collector
The Accounts of the Mad Vinyl Collector January 6th, 2013: I had a great time over at that indie music store downtown. Actually chatted it up with that same cashier from last time. His name’s Brett, but he said he likes to go by B-Money. Says it’s ironic. He’s the proprietor of the store as well, and we just had this really nice talk. He was just so real. Like, I’m usually not very political, but when he told me about how he was sticking it to the GOP by only accepting records with sleeves printed on recycled paper…I teared up a bit. And his story about saving whales by hunting whale poachers? Brilliant. He even told me he’d help me with my music selection! While I disagree with what he said about the Dixie Chicks, he pointed out all these new bands that I’d never even heard of. The Republic of Wolves? Of Montreal? Deafheaven? Oh, I got so excited about his recommendations I just purchased them all. How am I going to fit all this stuff in my car? I head back to school in a couple of days. February 8th, 2013: I got a Fugazi album. I don’t even like Fugazi. It’s the one with the yellow and the Washington Monument. So cool. Man, I’ve been getting all sorts of records lately. And not even because I like them! I just want to have some cred for when my new friends come around. Brett’s been holding a party at my place the past few days, and the people there like to put on records they’d never heard before. But only for a little bit, just to be able to say that they heard it. Sometimes they just trade obscure band names like a currency. I’ve got to stay ahead in this game. I’m running out of records they haven’t heard of. March 16th, 2013: Landlord came by today; asked about my last payment. Money’s been tight. Hopeless economy. Tried to trade him one of my duplicate records for another month, but he wouldn’t take it. Said vinyl was ancient. Useless, even! Philistine! He should let me stay here for free, just to be in the vicinity of my obviously superior intellect. Running low on food too. Maybe I’ll see if any freshmen want to trade some vinyl for a dining hall swipe. May 3rd, 2013: Sold all my stuff. Everything but my records and player. That’s all I need. Can’t let anyone tell me different. Mom called me earlier today; said she was worried about me. Well, joke’s on you, Mom! I cut my landline! Went apartment hunting, too. Honestly, it’s just so hard to find a decent living space these days. Might as well sleep on a park bench. Doesn’t cost anything, and it’s just as homely. Yeah, I think I’ll do that. May 19th, 2013: I ate all my vinyls. Not for the sustenance. God, no. I’m beyond that; don’t need food anymore. No, I did this to achieve my true form. I’ve realized that I am more than a human. I am the beginning and the end; the alpha and the omega. I am sound itself. May 22nd, 2013: OhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdone OhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdone OhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdone OhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdone OhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdone OhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveyoudone June [illegible]: [The page is slathered in blood, some of which obscures what day the entry was actually logged. What little lettering is left can barely be made out. The ink is arranged in a seemingly random pattern, skittering between the paper and the blood.] July 1=2nd, 2013: Hiss. Scratch. Hiss. Scratch. Hiss. Scratch. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hissssssssssssss…[the S’s go on for quite some time]. July 10th, 2013: ΔMi−1 = −αΣn=1NDi[n][ΣjC[i]Fji[n − 1] +Fexti[[n−1]]/ Asin(kx ±ωt) ·2Acos(δ /2)sin(kx −ωt +δ / 2)<-KEY f= kB= 1.3806504×10-23 J/K :Δ f = f2 − f1 = fmax − fmin:J = p × v = Z × v2 = p2 / Z W/m2 v = p / Z = J / p = √(J / Z) m/s p = Z × v = J / v = √(J × Z) Z = p / v = J / v2 = p2 / J<-not as necessary pt = exp(−x · as) [Pa] x = 1 / (10 · log ((exp(1))2) = ca. 0.1151Delta Lt = 20 · log (pi / pt) = as [dB]a =8.686 · f2 · ((1.84 · 10−11 · (pa / pr)−1 · (T / To)1/2) + y) [dB/m]y = (T / To)−5/2· (0.01275 · exp (−2239.1 / T) · (frO + f2 / frO)−1 + z)z = 0.1068 · exp (−3352 / T) · (frN + f2 / frN)−1frO = (pa / pr) · (24 + 4.04 · 104 · h · ((0.02 + h) / (0.391 + h)))frN = (pa / pr) · (T / To)−1/2 · (9 + 280 · h · exp (−4.170 · ((T / To)−1/3−1)))h = hr · ((psat / pr) / (pa / pr)) = hr · (psat / pa)psat = pr · 10(−6.8346 · (To1 / T)^1.261 + 4.6151)<-GOD The logs end here. We hope we were able to help, even just a little bit. Remember to be wary of the temptations vinyl brings; we don’t want you to suffer like he did.
Guess The Coach
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