Minny Spring Issue 13 by The Black Sheep

Volume 8

The Black Sheep

FRE of g E! Lik oin e th g co e fe mm elin and g o...

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 13

VIRAL VIDEO FORCES LIZZO TO CHANGE HER SET LIST Olivia Scott wrote this

The sound of disappointment rang throughout campus after Lizzo announced she’s abandoning her song “Batches and Cookies” as a result of a video made by some sugar-addled Minnesotan moms. Over the weekend, a video titled “Batches OF Cookies” surfaced on YouTube and showed various mothers baking and dancing to Lizzo’s song on the U of M campus. Shortly after the video went viral, a source close to Lizzo told The Black Sheep that she would no longer be performing “Batches and Cookies” at Spring Jam, despite the fact that it’s a crowd favorite.

more than ‘lame-llama mommas. Lizzo’s song helps us have fun, and show that us moms are, in fact ‘with-it’.”

Ultimately, they want you to know that they are just as bad-ass as all the youngins

…but these moms are crazy for cookies.

Moms In Love with Food (MILF), whose mission statement is “to make delicacies while still retaining our status as cool cats,” created this video. Operating in the western suburbs of Minneapolis, the group is comprised of mothers who spend their Wednesday nights baking and gossiping about the booster club—until Lizzo’s breakout hit crept onto their radar and they decided to try something new. As they dance to Lizzo’s song “Batches and Cookies”…

“My boy Jimmy came home one day and was in a very crabby mood—I’m pretty sure it was because his jeans were too tight—so he was blasting music in his room,” said MILF member Lisa Jorgenson. “The song he was playing was a real head-bobber, so I tried to listen more closely and I found out that the singer was discussing ‘cookies’ and ‘batches.’ I grabbed my iPhone out of my Coach purse and sent an email to all of the ladies in the club to let them know that I found MILF a theme song that is totally hip-hoppin’!” Shortly after listing “Batches and Cookies” as “The Official Cookie Baking Song of MILF” on their blog and on the “Batches and Cookies” Wikipedia page, MILF recorded and uploaded the “Batches OF Cookies” video to help recruit new members and show that baking can be badass.

MILF members may see like ordinary moms who jam out to Madonna…

…they show that moms can have fun, too!

“As women and as mothers, we often feel that we are underestimated and limited by how good our lasagna is or which Oprah magazine cover is our favorite,” said Lori Johnson, one of the founding members. “We want to be seen as

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PAGE 5

CROWDSURFERS SIZE UP SPRING JAM LINEUP

SEXUAL BASES FOR EVERY COLLEGE AT THE U: PART 2

YOU GOTTA KNOW WHEN TO MAKE THE MOVE IF YOU WANT TO DO IT RIGHT...

WE FELT BAD LEAVING A FEW COLLEGES OUT THE FIRST TIME AROUND, SO PART TWO IS FOR YOU!

APRIL 22ND 2015 - APRIL 29TH 2015

Although Lizzo has released no official comment on how the video affected her decision to drop the song, sources close to Lizzo have said that being associated with baking moms hurts Lizzo’s cred as a rapper. An anonymous source close to her said, “What really bothers Lizzo is that ‘Batches and Cookies’ helps her maintain a particular brand as an artist. That is completely destroyed when the song becomes associated with soccer moms and sugar cookies.” Since the release of the video, mothers all across the country have been infiltrating Snapchat, Vine, YouTube, Vimeo, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, and church basement billboards with their own pictures, videos, and memes using Lizzo’s song in the context of baking. “It’s so moving to see that other moms are feeling liberated. Just because we have kids doesn’t mean we aren’t still hip and in-theknow,” said Jorgenson. “MILF has proven that moms can bake a mean fruit cake while still being able to get down and funky.”

Conclusion: MILF Moms = Kick-Ass

PAGES 12-13 THE BLACK SHEEP FINAL EXAM HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT US? ENOUGH? WE HOPE SO...

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

CONQUISTADORM A man or woman who demands entry into the dorm he or she lived in freshman year, but in which he or she no longer resides.

VICK THE SLICK

“Sherri, a true Conquistadorm, demanded to be let in to room 305 even though she hadn’t resided in there for 3 years and the freshman living there now was obviously just hooking up with a guy.”

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE TERRIBLE PUNS CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!

@BLACKSHEEP_UMN

CROWDSURFERS SIZE UP SPRING JAM LINEUP Aron Wolde wrote this

“The chop this year is going to be hella weird.” Those were the words of veteran crowdsurfer Franklin Pierce, as he stood staring at the Spring Jam performance lineup. The performers were new and unheard of, the venues spread all over, and for whatever reason, contained only two bathroom areas for the entire school.

endeavor for some, but it’s a wildly important aspect of U life.” As strange as it sounds, crowdsurfing actually is a major component of University of Minnesota’s rich history; specifically because crowdsurfing itself was founded here, according to the pointless, tuition-wasting university historian Hansel Dawn.

Last month plans for this year’s Spring Jam were posted showing students how the U would up its Jam from last year. Would we have bigger artists? No. An easier time getting around? No. How about a moderately acceptable amount of rules? Hell no, did you see the balloon thing? This year Spring Jam has grown like a well-known toe fungus; it’s past the point of being okay to ignore. All of these issues are raising concerns in the crowdsurfing community. Pierce was right, things were going to be “hella weird” because no one is sure if they’re going to go or not. And without that knowledge, plans to crowdsurf become incredibly hard to make. Pierce has been surfing atop crowds for a very long time and he explains how proper knowledge means everything.

“Back in 1942 during WWII, when Spring Jam first started, the act of crowdsurfing occurred,” explains Dawn. “There was only one performer, who played the banjo, and about 500 students standing in a field. Midway through the performance, a pack of Irish Wisconsinites came in and called the banjo player a rapscallion (a very upsetting slur at the time). He got so mad that he jumped into the crowd, expecting to fight but was surprised when the crowd carried him all the way to other side of the field. Thus, the concept of crowdsurfing was born.”

“Other than hockey, crowdsurfing is the only relevant sport at the University of Minnesota. It has the intricacies of figure skating with the drunken recklessness of football, plus more concussions. It might seem like a pointless

Now after 73 years, the tradition lives on in the hopes of current crowdsurfer Franklin Pierce, who started surfing in 2001 when The Big Wu performed. Like a true crowdsurfing champion, he knows how to jump on top a large group of people and propel himself forward. He’s seen crowds of all varieties and like a Midwestern college freshman trying to find herself, he’s ridden them all. The only question he has now is how will he do it this year?

“What bottom of the barrel rapscallions are these guys? They don’t even start after 10!” Like a Hawaiian surfer in the desert, crowdsurfers this year fear that they will be without anything to surf on. Who’s going to want to pay $25 for an artist they’ve never heard of, when they could be at home jerking off or playing Dance Dance Revolution. A rich tradition of crowdsurfing may be making its decline this Spring Jam and with it goes any excuse to accidentally kick someone in the face and let strangers touch your butt.

This year’s lineup has many students wondering what the point is. For years it’s been to see cool, hip, up-and-coming artists while you’re somewhat drunk, but without the notoriety of decent B-list celebrities, the whole event goes down the tubes. Leaving one reminiscent of a simpler time when all you needed for fun was a world war, a banjo, 500 people, and a pack of Wisconsinites.

SEXY TIME!

SEXUAL BASES FOR EVERY COLLEGE AT THE U: PART 2 Aron Wolde wrote this

THE TOP TEN

Reasons The Holi Festival Is Better Than Spring Jam The excitement of seeing Spring Jam’s C-list performing their one-hit wonders before they officially declare for bankruptcy might sound mildly entertaining but... there is an alternative: the Holi Festival. This Indian festival includes dance, culture and throwing colorful dust at each other. It’s a day to truly set your inhibitions free, embrace worldwide festivity and taste the rainbow. Here are the top reasons you should give Spring Jam the finger and embrace all that is Holi. 10.) Holi is celebrated WORLDWIDE: Spring Jam… who’s even heard of this outside of campus? The name itself sounds too innocent to be fun. It sounds like a dance our parents would go to court each other, or a delicious marmalade. Bottom line: it doesn’t sound like a party, and Holi turns up all around the world.

We’ve been here before, haven’t we? The first time around we had a couple of well-rounded sex jokes based around the great American pastime. We had fun with that, right? Except not, because a few of you felt left out. Well, The Black Sheep heard your nonsexual cries and moans and decided to add our already impressive list of sexual basses. So strap in, strap on, and sit tight, because it’s Sexual Bases For Every College at the U Part 2, y’all! CDES: The College of Design has a weird mix of artsy students. Every student is incredibly well-dressed and the building they’re in looks like the wet dream of an architect who’s seen one too many Star Trek episodes. The school is kind of like a bag of trail mix: some are nutty, others fruity, and others just downright weird. First base: Wear color complimentary outfits that don’t match. Second base: Touching each other’s color swatches while waiting for your work to render. Third base: Letting someone look at your portfolio, without protection. Home: Have perfect 45-degree-angle sex in a room with the perfect balance of light that features work by Saul Bass. If you can’t figure out Bass then you don’t even belong in the school. CFANS : You can tell someone goes to the College of Food, Agriculture, and Natural Resources Sciences by their torn overalls. That when you ask them what “all the way” means, they think Saint Paul. And that their walks of shame often include trudging through mud. First base: Touching her cow udders (this is not a euphemism). Second base: Go to an apple orchard and examine fertilization rates (this is also not a euphemism). Third base: Open up a small garden together and examine girth changes in relation to moister. (Again, not a euphemism.) Home: Take them to St. Paul (this means sex). CCE: You may have seen a student or two from the College of Continuing Education. They’re a bit older than the most of us, like a lot older. Whether these advanced learners are back in school for work or fun, or because their spouses left them leaving only the weekends to see the kids making them a dark sad shell of what they once were… That doesn’t mean they don’t get down! First base: Discuss how the music has changed. When you were in school, kids listened to good bands on their Walkmans. Now they’ve got iPods and Spotifys. What is Spotify? Is that an app or new show? Second base: Complain about the government. Back in the good old days when the government worked, a firm slap on the rump was how you said hello to a woman. Now you can’t do that because she might be running for president. Third base: Grab a game of hoop stick together and listen to the radio afterwards. Home: Let’m touch your Medicare package. Undeclared: So you don’t have a college because you don’t have a major, that’s fine. Lots of cool people didn’t get their degrees on time. And when people ask you what you’re studying just say you’re figuring it out, because that’s what you’re doing. You’re paying thousands of dollars to figure it out. First base: Question what you might want to do with the rest of your life without a shirt on. Second base: Consider taking a gap to really find yourself year while dry humping. Third base: Realize you’re not going to be a scientist or surgeon because you don’t have the grades. Home: Move back home and then have sex.

9.) Dress for mess: Dress code is simple, something white and used. No, don’t bring a used condom, which for some reason never made it to the trashcan. A plain white tee is all you need for this event, so simply grab an ex’s beloved top and give it the send-off it needs, covered in shit… just like your past relationship. 8.) Goodbye winter, hello spring: The entire festival is based on the seasons changing, and no one understands this more than Minnesotans. Holi represents the final nail in the coffin for winter. Bid adieu to Sorrel shoes, fur-lined gloves and underground tunnels and say hello to pasty white legs and $5 flip-flops.. 7.) Imagine the selfies!: A Holi selfie is guaranteed to get you at least 50 likes on Instagram if hashtagged with the correct abbreviations: #HFPLMP (#HoliFuckPleaseLikeMyPictures). If that doesn’t entice the narcissists of the U, then nothing will. 6.) THE COLORS: Have you ever wondered what it feels like to be inside a rainbow? Has your therapist strongly encouraged you to express your anger in more constructive manners? Either way, you need to bask in the glory of colored Gulal powder, also known as “Hippie dust.” It’s pretty much all of the fun of taking LSD without actually tripping out and riding an elephant through Dinkytown. 5.) Pop a Molly: It’s one thing to see the colors but another thing to feeeel the colors! Grab a stranger, tell them you love them, and simply blame it on the E the next day. 4.) Water guns: Give shooting deer a break this spring and practice the joy of shooting without killing. Instead of anticipating the hunting season, go to the Holi Fest and shoot with a water gun instead, or even better a VODKA gun. Normally, guns and alcohol don’t mix, but in the context of Holi, it’s genius. #SaveTheDeer 3.) Revert to childlike state: In elementary, perhaps throwing your paint pots at Mrs. Applewood (the supply teacher that soon had a nervous breakdown) was not acceptable. However, Holi gives you a ticket to complete and utter debauchery, for one day only. Throw, chant, and revel in adolescent tomfoolery. 2.) Learn some bangin’ Indian songs: Let’s be honest, everyone who watched Slumdog Millionaire had a burning sensation to “Jai ho” in a synchronized crowd. 1.) It’s FREE: As a student, there’s no other word in the English dictionary that brings you more excitement than the sweet sound of dollars being saved. This is why you spent hours freshman year, queuing outside Coffman to receive FREE headphones from target, that soon broke after playing a YG track. If you decide to turn up to Holi, don’t forget to tweet @Blacksheep_umn with your #HFPLMP. And for all you animal activists out there: #savethedeer. Laura Hafes wrote this

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS IF VEGETABLES HAD PERSONALITIES, WHICH WOULD BE YOUR BEST FRIEND? MARIA FRIEDMAN

“Pickles, cuz they’re salty, cuz I like my friends marinated. Or peppers because they add flavor to every situation.”

MIKE CORBETT

“Radishes cuz they’re rad….but if I was like, chillin’ with a vegetable, I would say brussel sprouts cuz they can fit in my pocket.”

JANE BENSON

“I would choose an eggplant because they remind me of sea cucumbers and I really like cucumbers. Fun fact: they spit out their guts when they feel threatened.”

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Staff wrote this

There’s nothing that makes a woman get wet faster than a man who’s good with children. That’s why the University of Minnesota is now offering a service called “Rent-a-Baby.” Students who are looking for a quick hookup can stop by the Institute of Childhood Development and borrow a baby for just $30 an hour, or $100 for an entire day. The service began earlier this month and has already proven to be a success with students across campus.

recommended to use babies only to find hook-ups and one-night stands.

“Rent-a-Baby is the best hook-up service I’ve ever used, without a doubt,” said one guy, holding someone else’s baby. “You could go for weeks without finding a single match on Tinder, but you go on to campus with a baby and suddenly bitches are all over your dick. Apparently bitches love babies.”

“I don’t get it, I thought Rent-a-Baby was supposed to work,” one girl said, holding a 6-month-old infant. “Usually guys flirt with me all the time, but now that I’m carrying around a baby, they seem to want nothing to do with me. It’s the weirdest thing. I don’t know how to explain it.”

The idea behind Rent-a-Baby is that students can appear much sexier by purchasing the rights to a baby and pretending they’re taking care of it. Students are welcome to come up with whatever backstory for the baby they wish: It’s up to them whether they’re the baby’s single parent or just its babysitter. Of course, lying about whose baby you have is an unsustainable strategy to find a long-term mate, so students are

Some people worry that UMN's innovative Rent-a-Baby program is against the law, as it may or may not technically count as human trafficking. In order to keep up with growing demands, Rent-a-Baby has started offering the rental of many babies without the knowing consent of the babies’ actual parents. This revelation has become a source of great controversy. Many students are boycotting the service, deeming the practice

It's worth noting that while Rent-a-Baby has helped many male students get laid, it has shown to have the opposite effect for female students. Women who’ve used the Rent-aBaby service have complained that walking around with a baby makes it more difficult to find people who’ll have sex with them, and that the service was a waste of money.

of lending babies illegal and immoral. Yet the babies don’t appear to mind. “Goo goo goo goo,” commented one baby on the recent developments, staring at a rotating ceiling fan. “Goo goo ga ga. Ga ga ga.” The baby then laughed at the sight of a nearby dog barking at a squirrel. It’s too early to tell yet what the ethical implications of Rent-a-Baby are, nor do we know whether the people responsible for the service are going to prison, but if there

is one thing that’s clear, it’s that babies are perfect wingmen. A baby will not only get the attention of a woman, but it also won’t try to fuck her. And in spite of the controversy that surrounds it, Rent-a-Baby has already announced plans to create another service tentatively titled Rent-an-Old-Person, which will run on a similar business model by allowing students to cater to the needs of an elderly man or woman in hopes of sparking interest from possible mates in the near proximity.

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

RENT-A-BABY SERVICE OFFERED TO GET STUDENTS LAID

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

Everyday Happy Hour Mon-Fri 3p-8p & Sat 2p-8p 2 for 1 on “Almost Anything” & $1 off Appetizers

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

FRIDAY: Space Monster w/One Strong Army & Sixth Sensimilla 18+ | $5 Cover | Doors 9:00PM | Music 10:00PM

WEDNESDAY: $2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

8PM - Close: $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Wells

Les Exodus featuring Prince Jabba & Lynval Jackson 18+ | $7 Cover | 2-4-1 Entry w/ College ID | Doors 8:30PM Music 9:30PM

Half price bottles of wine starting at 5pm Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Thursday 4/23

(With College or Military ID. $15 Without)

Karaoke Thursdays! Free Shot When You Sing Karaoke $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 U-Call-It Shots

Friday 4/24

8PM - Close: $4 Three Olives Specialty Drinks $2 Jager, Cherry, O-Bombs $5 3 Olives Flavored Long Islands

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

Space Monster w/One Strong Army & Sixth Sensimilla 18+ | $5 Cover | Doors 9:00PM | Music 10:00PM

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Saturday 4/25

8PM - Close: $4 Bacardi Specialty Drinks Swamp Water - Cherry Lemonade - South Beach $2 Jäger, Cherry & O-bombs

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Reggae Live & Direct featuring Innocent Reggae Band & New Primitives 18+ | $8 Cover | Doors 8:30PM | Music 9:30PM

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Sunday 4/26

Everyday Happy Hour Mon-Fri 3p-8p & Sat 2p-8p 2 for 1 on “Almost Anything” & $1 off Appetizers

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

Open Mic/Blues Jam featuring Moses Oakland 18+ | No Cover | Doors 7:00 PM | Music 7:00PM

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Monday 4/27

8PM - Close: $3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double Wells $5 Bud Light Pitchers

Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!

“420 Smokeout” ft. The Magic Beans 18+ | $6 Adv. | $8 Door Doors 8:00PM | Music 9:00PM

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Tuesday 4/28

8PM - Close: $3 U-Call-It’s Rails, Calls, Taps

Wednesday 4/29

Wing Night 25¢ Wings 9pm ‘til they’re Gone $8 Bottomless Mugs $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall boys” $3 Kamikazee Shots

$2 Mini O-bombs $3 UV

Birthday Karaoke Night!

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints

Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM; 2-4-1 drinks: 4 PM-close; Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

$2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

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THE BAR GRID MONDAY! College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

SAT/SUN: Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $8 Fishbowls $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, 1/2 Price Wine Bottles, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

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SPECIAL NIGHT

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

Rick’s Hole Club Special Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, $5 House Wine, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan 9 & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight

Thursday 4/23

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): 2-4-1 Rails and Tap Beer $8 Fishbowls $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles 7pm-Close

Friday 4/24

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $8 Fishbowls $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, 1/2 Price Wine Bottles, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

Saturday 4/25

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $8 Fishbowls $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, 1/2 Price Wine Bottles, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close

Sunday 4/26

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): 2-For 1 Rails and Tap Beer $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps $6.50 Flatbreads

Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

Monday 4/27

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, $5 House Wine, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm - Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

Tuesday 4/28

WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the ﬁrst time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to All Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, $5 House Wine, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, 43 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

Wednesday 4/29

TRUE STORY!

SPRING JAM DRUG ABUSE AT ALL-TIME “HIGH” Tom Wyatt-Yerka wrote this

It’s spring at the University of Minnesota and junkies across campus are itching to get their fix. The recent warm weather and Spring Jam festivities are driving the U’s underbelly out of their dank caves and onto the streets in order to “chase the dragon” once again. Whether it’s molly, elephant’s foot, or the devil’s lettuce itself—marijuana—every year during Spring Jam the sale of these mind-altering, life-shattering illicit substances “shoot up,” and this year’s sales are expected to be the highest on record. In an exclusive interview with The Black Sheep, local DEA agent Patricia O’Toole reaffirmed her agency’s commitment to creating a safe, drugfree UMN community. “The DEA is concerned about the rate at which young people are using so called ‘recreational’ drugs.” O’Toole continued to talk even though we didn’t ask her any further questions. “When I was 12 I got my Barbies kicked out of their dream house and today, I’m kicking the drugs out of the UMN campus. It’s nothing personal, power abuse just turns me on.” When asked why substance use seems to peak around Spring Jam, O’Toole answered, “After

months of chilling winter their underdeveloped brains begin to boil in the spring sun, causing them to make half-baked decisions.” While O’Toole made her power hungry rant, The Black Sheep wasn’t listening because we already unanimously decided that it’s Spring Jam, it’s okay to have a little nug here and there so we ventured into the aforementioned “dank caves” to talk to the underbelly ourselves. Notorious U drug dealer and philosophy junior who chose to identify himself only as El Conejito provided a few brief statements after being assured that his identity would remain anonymous. “Spring Jam’s a really busy time for me” he stated. “Especially when the artists are as shitty as they are this year.” He went on to tell The Black Sheep about his top items. “Eh, mostly weed. Who doesn’t like a casual Goldy marijuana cookie at a concert? I don’t expect to sell much coke this time around. The double whammy of Kappa’s formal and Carlson’s business week has left me pretty dry.” Who are the students buying these drugs, you might ask? During our time in El Conejito’s drug den we met one: Brandon. “…Weed is weed,

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you know, it’s cool,” Brandon told us while slicking back his un-showered hair. “I’ve been able to maintain a 2.1 GPA even after blazing up by the boat house behind Coffman every 12 hours on the dot.” We pressed Brandon on his plans for Spring Jam. “Well, I’m getting in a few rounds of Mario Kart, and then just picking up some bud so a few friends and I can smoke before we go to the YG concert and aggressively grind with

the females.” This is the face of drug addiction, and it’s terrifying. In other news, Cedar-Riverside Liquor on West Bank is holding a buy one-get one sale during the week of Spring Jam, so get your cheap booze on while supplies last! You’ll thank us later.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E T OF 1 R U SCO 3 4O

1. Oceans: By volume, which of the world’s oceans is smallest?

6. Music: OG Mally was once the capuchin monkey friend of what musician?

2. Movies: What summer 2015 sequel sees the Barden Bellas enter an international a capella competition no American team has ever won?

7. Countries: In 1999 Portugal handed over their overseas territory, Macau, to what country?

3. Acronyms: The NTSB is a government investigative department. It stands for the National [WHAT] Safety Board? 4. Chemistry: In chemistry there are 3 main types of bonds. Name 2. 5. Cartoons: What cartoon character, “Frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honali”?

HENNA McCOY

A COMMUNITY ADVISER

8. Shakespeare: What Shakespeare play features Flavius, Cinna and Marc Antony? 9. Sports: Who is the coach of the 2015 NCAA National Championship basketball team? 10. Food: Spun sugar is more commonly known as what?

Hanna’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. Arctic Ocean 2. Pitch Perfect 2 3. Treasury 4. Carbon Bond, Hydrogen 5. Puff the Magic Dragon 6. Jay-Z 7. France 8. Much to Do about Nothing 9. George Bush 10. Cotton Candy

1. Indian Ocean 2. Pitch Perfect 2 3. Transportation 4. Metallic, Ionic and Covalent 5. Puff the Magic Dragon 6. Justin Bieber 7. China 8. Julius Caesar 9. Mike Krzyzewski 10. Cotton Candy

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

BIKINI BOOZIN’

BEEFY BURRITO

Since Mother Nature is finally giving us consistently good weather, you can find the majority of campus hanging out at a pool. You know, a cramped one filled with as much chlorine as there are used Band-Aids. We’re going to make laying out at the pool a bit more fun than usual.

With the semester coming to a close soon and the sun shining on the regular, there’s no better time to whip up a massive burrito. Who even has the time to wait in that line for one of those? Follow this recipe to make a meaty burrito quick enough to make and eat in front of your foolish friends waiting in the Chipotle line.

What You’ll Need: Your bathing suit, booze, and beach bod. The latter’s entirely optional, since there’s no way in hell you kept that going after spring break. Number of Players: 2+, you and the girls you’re laying out with. Level of Intoxication: You won’t realize that tan is actually a sunburn. Pink, orange… what’s the difference? SUMMER. How to Play: Take 1 drink… -For every triangle bikini you see. No, don’t stop. May as well keep on going. -Every time some dude cannonballs and splashes everybody. -When said gentleman realizes no one outside of middle school gives a shit about cannonballs anymore.

Take 2 drinks… -For every person’s beach body that isn’t quite beach ready… -If you see a girl actually in the pool and not worrying about her tan. -For anybody who’s passed out and veering on the whole second-degree burn, red lobster bandwagon.

Finish your drink… -If there are no chairs available! Time to go home! The Game Ends When: You pass out and wake up with the worst sunburn of your life. PCB won’t save you now, pally.

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What You’ll Need: Ground beef, tortillas, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, sour cream, and guacamole. Fatty Factor: This burrito can certainly feed a whole family, but this one’s just for you, yourself, and Yaakov. So, you do the math. Let’s Get Baked: -Put a skillet on the stovetop, turn the heat on medium, and throw your ground beef in it. Season the sunnuvagun with salt and pepper. -Dice the tomatoes up and chop the lettuce, careful not to chop your fingers. Playing adult is hard, isn’t it now? -Don’t forget about the meat on the stovetop! Stir it occasionally until it’s cooked all the way through. -Once it’s cooked, it’s time to assemble your burrito. Start with your tortilla and just kind of toss all that shit in there. -Add a couple spoonfuls of guac (be generous) and sour cream. -Wrap your burrito like you’ve seen the employees do it… like a giant, hastily-prepared taco… Now you’ve got one of the biggest and best burritos in campustown without having to stand in line or deal with all the basics. Be sure to stay by a bathroom because large quantities of Mexican food run through your intestines very quickly.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

A BLACK SHEEP EXAM

THE GONZ WROTE THIS

The Black Sheep Final Exam The final requirement for graduation that isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t listed on any of your curriculums is The Black Sheep final exam. All the knowledge that you learned over the course of four years within a copy of The Black Sheep will be tested. Only the best and brightest can pass, and only those people go on to achieve moderately-paying jobs in the field of their degree.

Section 1: Verbal Reasoning

The following questions use sections from past The Black Sheep articles. Circle the logical word choice to fill in the blanks. The cartoon part of the movie begins with SpongeBob all excited to become the manager of the new ___(1)___, but he doesn’t (SPOILERS) get the job. I think it’d be ___(2)___ to be in charge of the Krusty Krab. It’d also be awesome to be in charge of The Black Sheep. If I was in charge of The Black Sheep, I’d make sure every article of every issue would be about how ___(3)___ fat ginger kids are. Fat ginger kids are the worst. I’d also put a picture of ___(4)___ in each copy of The Black Sheep because I admire him as an actor. But I can’t do that because my bosses are fucking ___(5)___. (Don’t tell them I told you that.) 1. McDonald’s Washington Redskins BMO Harris Bank 2. Swell Arousing Zestful 3. Soulful Squishy Freckly 4. Keanu Reeves Nicolas Cage Muhammad, Peace be upon him 5. Awesome Majestic Beautiful

“When I woke up, I saw that the sun was up, and I began to ___(1)___,” said Phil in the year 5015, somehow still able to communicate with The Black Sheep through our ___(2)___ skills in journalism. “Once I saw that the rest of mankind has transcended its biological roots by reaching the Singularity and becoming one with ___(3)___, I realized, Oh shit, I’m 3,000 years late to my ___(4)___ exam. This was the first time I’d ever overslept an exam, so naturally I freaked the ___(5)___ out.” 1. Masturbate Panic Vomit 2. Clemency Xanthippe Antebellum 3. Dogs Grapes Nature 4. Prostate Gynecological Chemistry 5. Cat Shit Fuck

Section 2: Quantitative Reasoning

Section 3: United States History

Provide a numeric answer. 1. The local bar special consists of wells for $2 and draft beer for $3. How much money can you spend before you receive a low balance notification from your bank?

Complete the blank with the correct answer. 1. The abbreviation for “United States of America” is __________.

2. How many The Black Sheep articles can a person read in a span of one 50-minute lecture?

3. The first Mexican president was __________.

3. A girl gave you her phone number last night, but you forgot. How many combinations of 7-digit numbers can you randomly text before you find the right one?

2. There are _____ stripes and _____ stars on the Chinese flag.

4. __________ is the official cloven-hoofed animal of the US. 5. Complete the National Anthem: “Oh but ain’t that _____ for you and me. Ain’t that _____, we’re something to see. Ain’t that _____, home of the _____, yeah. Little _____ houses for you and me.”

4. Calculate the difference between your GPA and a 4.0. How much do you have to add for sufficient self-respect? 5. There are five bars scheduled on your barcrawl. You plan to spend one hour at each bar. How much time will you spend on your barcrawl, accounting for rounding up stragglers, food stops, waiting in line, and passing out? Indicate which value is greater. 1. You have a 9 a.m. class. Which quantity is greater: the number of consecutive classes you can sleep through or the number of hours you will spend cramming for the final?

Section 4: street smarts Select the correct answer. 1. Liquor before beer. Are you in the clear? In the clear Never been sicker 2. Never stick your dick in _____? Mailboxes Chocolate Milk Crazy

2. You drive a Ford Focus. Which is greater: The number of miles per gallon or the number of chicks willing to bang you?

3. A dime bag costs? 1 dime

3. Your university charges X amount for tuition. Which has greater value: $X or your English degree?

4. What happens if you give a pig a pancake? He will be satisfied. He will want syrup.

4. On an average day, which number is greater: the hours you sleep, the hours you are awake, or the hours you are drunk?

5. Which direction do even-numbered Interstate highways run? North-south East-west South by Southwest

10 dimes

100 dimes He will shit in your house. North by Northwest

5. On a number line, which value is greater: -50 or -100?

answer key

Section 5: The Black Sheep History 1. What year was The Black Sheep established? 1935 1802 2015

6. Where is The Black Sheep headquarters? Cleveland, OH Guantanamo Bay

2. How many articles are published every day by The Black Sheep? 0.5 540 5,302

7. How many feral cats roam The Black Sheep offices? 20 25 800

3. How many university campuses have The Black Sheep publications? 1 2 3

8. What is the favorite food of your average The Black Sheep writer? Mutton Lamb Chops Buttered Noodles

4. Who is the best writer for The Black Sheep? The Gonz The Gonz The Gonz

9. What is the average number of alphabetical letters used in a single The Black Sheep article? 26 10 666

5. What was The Black Sheep formerly known as? The Booze News The Beer Broadcast The Liquor Lowdown

Chicago, IL

10. How high can the average The Black Sheep writer count? 10 20 3

Section 1 Part I 1. Washington Redskins 2. Zestful 3. Soulful 4. Keanu Reeves 5. Any answer is acceptable. Part II 1. Masturbate 2. None of the options are correct, so fuck you. 3. Grapes, obviously. 4. Prostate 5. Shit

Section 2 Part I 1. The answer is equal to the amount of money in your bank account 2. 50 articles 3. 823543 4. Answers vary per person 5. 12 hours Part II Answers will vary. Section 3 1. US of A 2. 0 stripes and 5 stars 3. Thomas Jefe-rson 4. The Black Sheep 5. America, America,

America, free, Red White & Blue Section 4 1. In the clear 2. Crazy 3. 100 dimes 4. He will want syrup. 5. East-west Section 5 1. 1802 2. 0.5 3. 2 4. The Gonz 5. The Booze News 6. Guantanamo Bay 7. 800 8. Buttered Noodles 9. 666 10. 3

seen-n-find!

Can you find the 8 sheep? If so, email us at spot@theblacksheeponline and win a prize!

THE POPSTARS CROSSWORD ACROSS

3) Charli XCX’s real first name. 5) Demi Lovoto was diagnosed with this disorder during her 2010 stint in treatment. 6) Mariah Carey expresses this holiday as her favorite. 8) This first season winner of American Idol, two words. 9) This pop star will release her 13th album Rebel Heart in early 2015. 10) Ariana Grande was born in this city, two words. 14) Katy Perry got her start singing this type of music as a teenager. 15) Taylor Swift infamously pulled her music from this music streaming service.

DOWN

1) Iggy Azalea moved to the United States from this country in 2006. 2) This popular English singer sadly joined “The 27 Club” in July 2011. 4) This pop star’s real name is Stefani Germanotta, two words. 6) Britney Spears was the star of this 2002 cult-film. 7) Whitney Houston is the only artist to chart this many consecutive Number 1 Billboard Hot 100 hits. 8) This pop star recently took the $ out of her name. 9) Adele was originally offered a recording contract by being discovered on this social media site. 11) Miley Cyrus put this type of dancing on the map. 12) Blue Ivy is this star’s child. 13) This pop star comes from New Zealand, and broke out in 2013.

. M E H T E ! T S A C I H P Y R T O R A P M R LEOTVEMEBTARHAESSED OR BECOME INFAMOUS. SPICENS@DTUHESBYLAOCUKSHEEPONLINWEE.CBSOITME! G OUR H G U O R H T R O P P A . R U D E K & VIA O A N T E M G O R .C E O N , I L Y N R O P C E , E H H S G LAU THEBLACK (WAIT, WHAT?)

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