The Black Sheep
M E F R E E. MO .. L RIE IKE S YO T H E U M DR ADE UNK THI EN S YE A R.
Vol. 6, Issue 13
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
4/24/14 - 4/30/14
DRUNK FRESHMAN DOESN’T EVEN MAKE IT TO SPRING JAM CORA NEISEN WROTE THIS
This time of year excitement for Spring Jam reaches a peak; bro tanks are sweeping campus, and fratio season is in full swing. The excitement for Spring Jam crescendos in the freshman dorms, as many first-year students report that they are gearing up for the best weekend of their lives. The Black Sheep heard rumors that several residents “want to bring THall to a new level of ratchet,” and CAs have reportedly been sending in reinforcements for weeks.
Sheep, conspicuously trying to hide a 1.75L of Svedka vodka under his shirt. Sandborn noted he was “headed to a rager in 246,” extending an offer to “tear up the dorms with [them], Project X-style.” Just then, a CA turned the corner and Sandborn ducked into a nearby bathroom. Sources have not yet confirmed if he stayed in that bathroom all night, or if he worked up the energy to produce a pathetic fist pump in true white-boy style back at the rager.
“Frankly, I hate Spring Jam,” CA Emily Johanson commented. “I’ve been doing this for three years now, and every year it’s the same routine. They blast stuff like Hoodie Allen, Mac Miller, whatever other white people anthems and puke all over the place. One year we used 18 pounds of that puke powder in three days.”
Reports confirm that Sandborn was later seen projectile vomiting into a urinal in that same bathroom. We spoke with Josh’s friends as they were leaving for the concert and they confirmed that it was in fact his freshman excitement that got the best of him:
The Black Sheep has confirmed that the liters of smuggled alcohol in university housing has set a new record. It was presumably that very alcohol that left one young man, Josh Sandborn, laying on the bathroom floor in boxers and a sombrero while his friends enjoyed mediocre music with hundreds of drunken 19-year-olds. We ran into Sandborn earlier in the day, stopping him for a brief interview. “I’ve never been so excited for a weekend in my life!” Sandborn noted to The Black
“Ah, he’ll be alright, we rolled him on his back,” an unnamed and obviously drunk freshman told us, “plus we let one of the CAs know, she said something under her breath and got a box of some powder shit. He was crying about some girl who cheated on him in the seventh grade.” Finding Sandborn on the bathroom floor next to his own powder-covered vomit, we sat down for another brief interview. “I don’t knoow what evenn happaned tonight, bro,” he commented. “The vodkaa was flooowing and then ‘All Night Longer’ came onn the Pandora and I just
don’t evena knowa, man.” When asked how he felt that he was missing the entire Spring Jam concert, he looked at us as if he had never even heard of Spring Jam. He proceeded to
tell us about that girl Katie that cheated on him in seventh grade. Our team walked him back to his room and laid him among the several empty bags of chips and empty boxes of pizza rolls on his futon.
Authorities confirmed that he muttered a comment about needing Jesus and water. Updates will follow during our 24 hour news channel NNCEU (National News Channel of Everything Unnecessary).
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PAGES 12-13
FRAT AVOIDS INSECURITIES BY DRINKING IN FRONT YARD
STUDENT TRANSFERS TO CSE, BECOMES AWKWARD
THE TEN PEOPLE YOU’LL SEE AT MUSIC FESTIVALS
BECAUSE DRINKING AWAY YOUR PROBLEMS IS THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH THEM.
WHATEVER, HE’S ALWAYS HAD A LOVE OF CIRCUITS.
WE BREAK DOWN THE CLICHES YOU’RE SURE TO SEE THIS SUMMER.
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LOCAL FRATERNITY AVOIDS INSECURITIES BY DRINKING IN FRONT YARD UMN STAFF WROTE THIS Spring is in the air, and with spring comes students being social, particularly fraternities. With the warming weather more and more fraternities are found outside on their porch drinking beer and enjoying the sun. But, when it comes to fraternities’ loud music and yard-game-playing, there may be more than meets the eye. UMN psychologist Dr. Francis Brady has done a study on these fraternities, and his discoveries will shock you. Brady claims that the reason these fraternities do this is to push away the fact that on the inside, members are very insecure. “On the outside, these kids look like they have life made,” Brady explained. “But, in reality, these guys are just as self-conscious as you and I, maybe more.” “As it turns out, that frat-guy mask they put on is just that, a mask,” Brady continued. “They have the same worries as the rest of us, they worry about grades. Family. Being
accepted. Friendships. Women. Anything that goes through your mind, it’s gone through theirs as well.” This study has become more relevant than ever, especially with Spring Jam on the horizon. Many of the houses have been heard blasting Mac Miller or Earl Sweatshirt loudly with their expensive speaker setups. Yet, when asked, many of them said that they weren’t attending the concerts, as they would be too busy drinking. “That’s a common thing for people with low self-esteem,” Brady said, “They give off the impression that they’re too good to do something that everyone else is doing. This way, they stand out, and receive more attention. Human insecurities are always covered up by attentionseeking.” “Oh, the other thing?” Brady smirked, “Yeah, binge drinking
among the depressed is common as well.” Members of fraternities were asked to comment on the study, but most they said that they were “too drunk” or “didn’t have time” to read over the results. But, one member, who asked to remain anonymous as to not receive unwanted hazing from other members of his fraternity, was able to comment. “That’s really not the case,” he said. “To be honest, fraternities aren’t that big of a deal. The whole ‘frat’ stereotype is really pretty ignorant. It’s just a bunch of guys hanging out. And ours is probably the least ‘frat’ out there. We’re way less frat than Theta Beta, we hear they shoved a broom stick up a guy’s butt one time. So, to say that just because we play loud music and have fun out in public shows that really on the inside we have crippling worries about what other people think of us and what the
future holds for us outside of college? I mean, I just don’t see it, man.” The member went on to justify his thinking. “Like, I mean I guess it’s pretty tough to live our lives sometimes,”
the member said. “Deep down, maybe I am really worried about what people think of me. But, those thoughts just go away when we are blasting our music so loud that it disrupts test takers across the street. But, hey, I guess they can’t tell us what to do. They’re not my
dad. YOU HEAR ME OVER THERE DAD? DON’T CARE!” As of press time, certain members of fraternities were seen outside their house yelling at women passing by, asking if they wanted to come over and have some drinks.
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STUDENT SPOTLIGHT
THE
TOP
TEN
GROUPONS EVERY U STUDENT WISHES FOR ARON WOLDE WROTE THIS
Here at the U prices go high as temperatures go low, and while we all love the occasional call home for more money, we prefer to use crazy deals and fantastic Groupons. The following are the top 10 Groupons every Gopher wishes for. 10.) Two dubs for the price of one: Can you imagine? Just walking up to your drug dealer giving him a twenty and getting back forty dollars’ worth of California green? With enough sacrifices the stoner gods will honor us with such a deal. But until then, hope for your local drug dealer to set something up.
STUDENT TRANSFERS TO CSE,
9.) 50% off all dark liquors: Things like this have been done before, but never on a Groupon scale. If an entire campus had a Groupon this good, societies would crumble. Whole weekends would be forgotten, every Monday would be accompanied with a hangover, and the freshman 15 would be lost after puking up a fifth shot of Jack.
IMMEDIATELY BECOMES AWKWARD DAVID ZIRINSKY WROTE THIS
At the University of Minnesota each college has its own reputation. CLA is known for being stupid. Carlson is known for being interested in themselves and only themselves. CFANS is known for… come to think of it, no one actually knows anyone in CFANS. CBS is known for being the school of pre-med sciences, with those who don’t get into medical school not doing anything after graduation. One department’s stereotype has proven consistent across time and space: the College of Science and Engineering. Joseph Revolinski told The Black Sheep about his “descent into CSE hell”: “Look I’ve always had a love of circuits. From building a solar phone charger junior year of high school, to making a circuit to control a homemade robot,” Revolinski stared into the distance, “I’ve always enjoyed things that fall under the tent of electrical engineering.” He told us more about his life before he was accepted into CSE. “I had shitty grades in high school. So, I started out as a communications major, with a plan to transfer to CSE after my freshman year. I took some science classes, did well, and then submitted my application.” But little did Joseph know, a living hell awaited his admission decision. “On December 7th, I got an email congratulating me on my admission to the College of Science and Engineering. Needless to say I was ecstatic,” Joseph told us after his admission decision, adding, “Immediately I said yes to the transfer into CSE. Why wouldn’t I? This was great.” Joseph would soon discover how much trouble he was in. After a month of being in CSE he became too shy to talk to strangers.
Revolinski is hesitant to open up about this time in his life but one former friend told us, “Joey, that was what we called him before ‘the change,’ used to be social. You could have a conversation with him” his friend added excruciating details, “as a straight heterosexual male, he could talk to girls. Like, he wasn’t a pick-up artist by any means but he could carry a conversation.” However, soon things took a turn for the worst. He barely talked to friends, let alone talked to members of the opposite gender.
“LOOK I’VE ALWAYS HAD A LOVE OF CIRCUITS.” We interviewed the Dean of the College of Science and Engineering, Steven L. Crouch. Hesitant to talk to us, he eventually told The Black Sheep, “This all goes back to the dawn of higher education. When the jocks came to college they started spreading the stereotype that everyone in CSE was awkward, that we were nerds. Nerds! Soon this myth began perpetuating itself. Being awkward and all, CSE students weren’t able to counter this claim.” Crouch looked despondent, “It wasn’t always this way! Look at the Greeks! Those guys invented a bunch of weird shit and they got laid all the time!” “I feel bad for Joseph, like he used to be so social he had friends and everything,” former girlfriend Samantha Zirrinsky told The Black Sheep. She revealed that, “as soon as he was accepted to CSE he literally told me I would get in the way of his grades and he promptly stopped talking to me. But I get it, you know? He did what he had to do when the going got tough: he ditched me. CSE students can’t be seen talking to members of the other gender.” During our follow-up interview Joseph simply asked, “Why are you talking to me?”
8.) 69% off condoms: Okay so, this is just childish, but still helpful. A deal this good would keep the risk of pregnancies down, and if you’re less popular with the ladies (we’re lookin’ at you CSE) you can use them as super-durable water balloons. 7.) Negative 20% off all purchases of Natural Ice: We know what you’re thinking, negative deals wouldn’t really work, but how else are we going to keep this awful beer out of our frat houses? At least this way, you kind of feel like you’re buying something good, rather than the watered-down horse piss it actually is. 6.) 80% off on all chargers or batteries: You know how annoying it is to look up from your browser to see that your laptop, iPod, or tablet is about to die. More chargers! More outlets! Stop the innocent deaths of student procrastination machines! 5.) 99% off tuition: The sad part of this is that schools would still be wildly expensive. Even with all of the hypothetical Groupons mentioned, work study, scholarships, pirate treasure, and the lottery, students would still have to work into their 90s to pay for tuition. And that’s before grad school. 4.) 70% off in all laundromats: Don’t have enough quarters? Don’t reuse those undies (gross) just find 30 cents and a dollar laundromat. 30 cents is nothing! Hobos tip more than that! So the next time you consider going home to use your parents’ washer and dryer, instead find 30 cents and maybe some clean underwear. 3.) 80% off on ramen, macaroni, and hot sauce: The three pillars of the colligate diet are based on these foods. Vegetables? Fruits? No, try microwaving ramen with hot sauce, or macaroni with hot sauce, or hot sauce with another kind of hot sauce. 2.) 30% off Gopher sweatpants: Looking like a lazy, good-for-nothing slob can get expensive. Every upperclassman can tell you that the right pair of sweatpants can really change your day. They can help your balls breathe, they can tell an ex how you’re really doing, and they can tell a professor what you really think of their intro class. With a deal this good, you’ll be able to say a lot. 1.) 25% off at all coffee shops during midterms and finals: Liquid ambrosia for the average college student, coffee is literally the most underrated part of the four-year process. Without it professors are incomprehensible, study guides are unfathomable, and text books are just darn tricky.
05
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ON THE STREETS WHAT CHEESY PICK-UP LINE WOULD WORK BEST WHEN PICKING UP A MILF/DILF? Kurt, Freshman
“They say things get better with age…”
Luke, Freshman
“Did it hurt? When you crawled from hell?”
Luke, Freshman
“If you’re feeling down, I can feel you up.”
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Engineering Senior Torn Between NASA Internship and Promotion at Dairy Queen TBS STAFF WROTE THIS Senior Thomas Macklin, who has worked at the Dairy Queen in his hometown of Anoka for the past four years, was excited to return this summer with the promise of a promotion to shift lead. “This is what I’ve been working toward all this time. My boss finally saw the potential in me to do great things,” haughtily proclaimed Macklin. This year, Macklin was dead-set on working at Dairy Queen once again and was excited for the responsibilities associated with his new promotion. “I had already discussed my pay raise and schedule with my manager,” said Macklin with a disheartened tone. “But then I received the internship offer from NASA.” Macklin told us that he applied to NASA at the beginning of the year, but after not receiving an offer for several months, assumed that his application had been denied. According to Macklin, the offer includes a travel and housing stipend, plus wages well beyond what he would receive at DQ. “I’ve heard that NASA highly values leadership skills and that’s the most important aspect of a company, in my opinion,” said Tom. “Other than that, the prospect of free ice cream is a major factor in my decision.” Macklin commented that, on the one hand, his manager at Dairy Queen will be extremely disappointed if he decides to not return. On the other hand, “it’s fucking NASA.” Macklin’s friends and family are begging him
to choose the latter. “My mom pointed out that NASA has more letters in their acronym than DQ does,” mentioned Tom. “I don’t even know if that’s a pro or a con.” Macklin’s best friend and coworker at Dairy Queen recommended that he accept the offer at NASA. “The thing is,” Macklin said with an air of suspicion, “he’s next in line for the promotion at DQ, so I don’t know if I can trust his opinion.” Macklin spoke with his advisor in the Mechanical Engineering department for another opinion. “My advisor recommended that I accept the NASA offer as well. He said that summer internships are important resume builders when looking for a career after graduation.” Macklin then added with a sigh, “This is the hardest decision of my entire life.” A spokesperson from the NASA internship program commented, “Here at NASA we understand that some students must make tough decisions about what to do during their summers. We try to make our internship program as desirable as possible to attract only the best and brightest. Usually, the toughest decisions are when students must choose between [NASA] and a company such as Boeing or Lockheed Martin, not retail or food service.”
“Tom is my best employee, and I would be sad to see him leave. Regardless, he’s an idiot. Tell him to choose NASA.”
We reached out to the general manager at the local Dairy Queen for a statement.
We tried to reach out to Macklin for another comment, but he claimed he was holed up in his bedroom,
weighing the pros and cons, specifically charting which ice cream flavors he would likely never taste for free again if he sided with NASA. Only time will tell if Macklin will be willing to forfeit Oreo Blizzards for a likely bright and lavishly wealthy future. To his credit, the waffle cones at DQ are delectable.
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Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close
EVERYDAY: Happy Hour 3-6PM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
SUNDAY: Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!
SAT: $3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Thursday 4/24
8pm-Close: All-U-Care-2-Drink with a College or Military ID $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O-Bombs $3 UV Vodka
9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.
1/2 Price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover
No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)
Friday 4/25
8pm-Close: $4 Three Olives Vodka, $5 Three Olives Flavored Long Islands, $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange) $5 VEGAS BOMBS!
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm Close, $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm Close
Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Saturday 4/26
8pm-Close: $4 Bacardi $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange) $5 VEGAS BOMBS!
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Open ONLY DURING Twins Games & Special Events $3 Wells and Domestic Taps $4 Calls, Micro/Import Taps
10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99, 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close
$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight | Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM, $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!
No Cover! Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs, $5 Jameson Gingers, All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!
NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)
8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
Birthday Karaoke Night!
Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!
No Cover! Karaoke: 9pmClose, Beer Pong, $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks, $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight, $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)
$2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies
No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
SPECIAL NIGHT
TUES: 8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
Sunday 4/27
The Bar Grid
Call 612.379.6082 to schedule an appointment or visit TheRailApts.com
Happy Hour! Mon - Sat 3-8pm: 2 for 1 on “Almost” Anything, $1 Off Apps. Friday & Saturday 8pm-10pm: $3 Calls, Wells and Any Tap, $4 Vodka Red Bulls
Mason Jar Monday (8pm-Close)
Tuesday 4/29
$3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double UV Vodka & Rails $5 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud or Bud Light Towers
$3 U-Call It’s Rails, Calls and Every Beer on Tap $5 VEGAS BOMBS!
Wednesday 4/30
Monday 4/28
ALL MONTH: $5 VEGAS BOMBS!
8pm-Close: $0.25 Wings with College or Military ID, or purchase of a $8 AUCD wristband. ($0.50 without) $8 AUC2D Miller Lite Tap, Wells, Bacardi Oakheart, $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall Boys”
8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s
Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)
$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints
Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)
the crossword famous steve(n)’s ACROSS: 3) American political satirist, comedian and television host. 6) Steve Irwin died from this animal. 8) Steve Jobs created this revolutionary brand. 10) Steve Carell shouts this person’s name while getting waxed in 40 YearOld Virgin, two words. 12) This famous Stephen is a celebrity physicist. 14) Shia LaBeouf was the lead actor in this Disney Channel show, two words. 16) He directed Jaws and E.T., just to name a few. 17) Stephen Colletti, also
know at “Ste-phennnn!” was first dating who on Laguna Beach? 19) This fictional Steve famously said, “Did I do that?” DOWN: 1) In our humble opinion, the best host of Family Feud. 2) Stephen Hillenburg created this popular Nickelodean animated series. 3) Steven Tyler is the lead singer of this band. 7) This famous Stevie sang “Edge of Seventeen.” 8) This Steve is Stone Cold 9) Brothers Alex, Daniel, Wiliam and Stephen.
11) Stephen, the “City Surrounded by Gold, is in which state? 13) Blind musician born in Saginaw, Michigan. 15) This Stephen wrote the lyrics for West Side Story. 18) Stephen King’s The Shining has this infamous saying, two words.
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e G GAMES Th IN K IN R D | PECIALS | BAR S ARTICLES
Are You SMARTER
THAN?
1) Geography: Lemurs are only found on what island country? 2) Probability: With a 16.67% chance of occurring, what is the highest probability number rolled with two six-sided die? 3) Liquor: United States bourbon—to be classified as such—must be aged in what kind of barrels?
JOE POPHAM, UMN SENIOR DRINKING GAME
6) Baseball: What team won the 2013 World Series? 7) Rhetoric: What rhetorical device likens two different things with a “like” or “as”? 8) TV: What The Simpsons character famously lamented, “I bent my Wookie”?
4) The Human Body: In layman’s terms, what is the epidermis?
9) Fast Food: What fast food chain launched an all-new breakfast menu on March 27th?
5) National Parks: What was the first National Park established in the United States?
10) Board Games: In 2013 what Monopoly token was retired, replaced with a cat?
Joe’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Madagascar 2) 7 3) Oak 4) Skin or outermost layer of skin 5) Yellowstone 6) Boston Red Sox 7) Similie 8) Comic-Book-Guy 9) Taco Bell 10) Dog
1) Madagascar 2) 7 3) Oak, or charred oak 4) Skin or outermost layer of skin 5) Yellowstone 6) Boston Red Sox 7) Similie 8) Ralph Wiggum 9) Taco Bell 10) Iron
Joe’s Score: 8 out of 10
RECIPE for DISASTER
Final Paper Edition
Watermelon Margarita
Well, this is going to suck. But maybe writing your final paper for the semester won’t suck as much if you can’t remember how much it sucked! That’s right, you’re young and people still expect you to be irresponsible. Milk it for a little while longer! Grab a bottle and get to writing.
Summer’s just around the corner, and the warmer weather calls for some sweet treats to sip. We found a dainty little recipe for a watermelon margarita that pairs perfectly with chips and salsa or a lot of Coronas. Or both. Take your pick.
What You’ll Need: Microsoft Word, a bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey, spell check. Number of People: Just you, baby. Just you. Level of Intoxication: Enough to get you through the next 1,500 words. How to Play: - Go to your backpack and get out your prompt for your final paper. - Laugh and put it away without reading. You’re going to freestyle this one. - Take six-to-eight shots as fast as you can. Open Microsoft Word and get going. - After 10 minutes, when you make it through the first four pages of your paper, take a full cup of that bad boy. You’re going to need it. Everyone knows the hardest parts of papers are the last few pages. - Shit, did that last paragraph even make sense? Who cares. All you need is a D- and you pass the class. Also, even if it was all gibberish, it will still look a lot better than the paragraph before it where you copy and pasted the Declaration of Independence. - Rip another shot for creativity! How many has that been now? Who cares, this is a paper, not a math test. That last drip from the bottle should get you to the end of the paper. If not, just give up. You’re way too drunk.
What You’ll Need: 1 seedless watermelon cut into cubes, juice from 2 limes, 4 ounces silver tequila, 2 ounces orange flavored liqueur, 2-3 cups ice, sea salt, simple syrup and lime wedges Mix Time: 10 minutes Fatty Factor: Depends on how many Coronas you drink afterwards. Let’s Get Drunk: - Grab your blender and fill half of it with the cubed watermelon. - Add 2 cups of ice, the tequila, orange liqueur and lime juice. - Blend everything together until it’s nice and smooth. - Spread the sea salt out on a small plate. - Rub the lime wedge around the rim of your margarita class and dip it into the salt. - Pour in the margarita and garnish with the lime wedge. - If the drink isn’t sweet enough for you, add in some simple syrup. - Ole!
The Game Ends When: Nice job! You did it. Now that you’re finished with the paper, you’re all done with that class. Until next semester when you have to retake it, of course, because there’s no chance in hell you could’ve passed.
This recipe only makes 4 servings, so do the math and make enough to fill up your bathtub.
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ten People You’ll See at This Summer’s Music Festivals tex mex wrote this
Well, it’s about that time of the year again. The time when millions of prospective concert-goers spend an arm and a leg on weekend-long summer music festivals without the slightest idea of who’s slated to perform. The pre-festival hype period is a time where parents’ bank accounts are mysteriously emptied of $300, old and new fans alike bitch and complain over whether or not this year’s lineup for a fest is complete shit or not, and drama ensues as you try to figure out who in the hell out of your friends is cool with driving to the stretches of the nation just to see someone you missed at a club show a month ago. Whether you’re an arrogant prick who hates humans and prefers smaller venues, or an obnoxious self-proclaimed hippie who loves nothing more than taking drugs at “festies” and shitting out rainbows, if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that festivals bring out the most diverse group of people outside of a UN meeting. Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, Pitchfork, Firefly, Electric Forest – doesn’t matter – be on the lookout for these 10 people who you are guaranteed to see, whether you like it or not.
ten people you’ll see at this summer’s music festivals 10.) Girls Wearing Flower Crowns
4.) The Kids who Pass out on Alcohol/Drugs
For whatever reason, coating their arms with badges of honor from every festival they’ve gone to so far isn’t colorful enough, in spite of the mold that’s growing on that Coachella bracelet. Flower crowns seem like a way to say “I’m earthly and care about nature” or some bullshit that would normally take a trending Tumblr image to explain. That’s at least all we can come up with, because there’s no way in hell that these things are actually being worn because they look good. Still, we’d take a ring of plastic flowers from Hobby Lobby over the majority of things that people dress themselves with at EDM fests.
Look, we’re not stupid; we understand that no amount of “just go to festivals for the MUSIC” PSAs aren’t stopping anyone from bringing along their favorite vodkas and illicit drugs. It’s a festival, for crissake. But you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who’s totally okay with some high school grad puking on his shoes halfway through a set from drinking warm Natty for three hours. The same can be said for people who roll a little too hard during the day. Too much ecstasy won’t leave as big of a mess, but no one likes the guy lugging his half-dead girlfriend out of the crowd, screaming as if this was a surprise to him.
3.) Younger Kids with Noise-Canceling Headphones on
7.) Someone Bitching about being Pushed and Shoved in a Crowd
We’re not knocking this at all since we’re so used to seeing the effects of bad parenting every time we walk past Perry’s Stage at Lolla. There’s nothing more heartwarming than seeing younger fellas enjoying themselves with responsible parents who actually don’t want their kids to become deaf at the tender age of six. We’re not really sure how an environment filled with alcohol and pot fumes really meshes with this, but goddammit, they’re trying.
Also known as the person who gives off a stark “Ugh…” as you try to assert yourself to the front of the stage, this is generally someone with a big enough sense of entitlement to put a teenager from SoCal to shame. For whatever reason, the fact that festivals are events designed for hundreds of thousands of people to occupy the same area at once isn’t something that registers for this poor soul who thinks a gentle tap on the shoulder is equivalent to being “like, so totally fucking rude…”
6.) Someone Trying to Validate their Taste in Music... at the Actual Festival 9.) The Saint who has a Spray Nozzle Attachment for his CamelBak One of the defining pastimes of music festivals is watching college kids braving 90-degree weather without water because they think they’re immune to heatstroke. When you’re packed like a sardine against thousands of sweaty, sticky people, the dude who sacrifices his own water supply for the sake of cooling off his sun-burned comrades is like God himself raining down from heaven. This guy usually dons a fishing cap with a smile, too. So, for as much as your passive aggressions build up dealing with drunken kids passing out, you’ll at least have one person to not loathe for the day.
“Oh, you actually wanna see Mumford & Sons over up-and-comers Hippopotamus Shits, who are clearly superior than that radio-tier garbage? Yeah, I’ll be over at the No Fun Stage where all the more low-key, experimental acts are for the day.” This is also the type of person willing to openly berate others for their choice in festival, often citing that “X festival is too ‘commercialized’ these days and that nobody goes for the music anymore.” This person derives their superiority complex from so-called open-mindedness, all the while sucking Pitchfork’s metaphorical dick.
8.) The 30-something-year-old Dude Who’s Only There for His Favorite Alt-Rock Band of the 90s
2.) The Towering Behemoth who’s Your Ticket to the Front of the Crowd
Not all of us were granted the God-given attribute of breaking the six-foot barrier, and that makes snaking through huge crowds more intimidating than progressive. For the vertically challenged, the train pretty much stops when you hit a wall of people who are more inclined to beat the ever-loving shit out of you than passively grouch at your advances. Enter the behemoth, otherwise known as the dude who’s getting to the front whether anyone likes it or not. Latching onto one of these suckers is a lot like being in a school of remora attached to a shark: The big dude won’t really care, and you’re safe from anyone closing gaps on you. What are they gonna do, tell your new, hulking friend that you can’t move up?
One of the select few at the fest who actually has the means to buy a ludicrously priced ticket, this guy is here for one reason and one reason only: to catch his favorite rock act from back in his teenage days, a group who’s just gotten back together or “one last tour.” Usually well-sun screened, sporting cargo shorts, New Balance gym shoes, and a black shirt that proudly displays the band’s logo, he’s completely okay with sitting on the grass hundreds of yards away from any actual stage. He’s a nice guy, just don’t talk about the band. “What’s your favorite song?” will quickly turn into “How would you analyze the band’s aesthetic moving from genre-togenre within their entire catalogue, EPs included?” real fast.
5.) The VIP-bracelet Noblemen who Look Down upon Us Peasants from their Golf Carts 1.) More Bands You Don’t Care about Than Ones You Do Even when tickets sell out faster than you can spam “F5,” no one in their right mind actually considers spending the extra thousand dollars for a VIP pass. We’re too poor to dabble with that sorcery, but we assume that whoever’s riding on a VIP pass definitely is a “very important person,” or at least knows someone important enough to have a shit ton of cash. As they golf cart to and from the air-conditioned VIP lounge, all the rest of us “standard 3-day” people can do nothing but wallow in their awesome might … and lament on the fact that we’d honestly rather joy ride in a golf cart for three days than feel the heat of the sun and buyer’s remorse pelting us from above.
It sucks, but it’s true. From the moment the day-by-day schedule comes out and conflicts knock your lineup of a whopping 50 acts to a measly 15, you’ll realize that you’re not going to see your favorite headliner up close without sitting through at least 3 or 4 bands that you’d rather drink paint than watch. If the mediocre lineup reveal jumpstarted that buyer’s remorse, this is usually the second helping. The Black Sheep understands that heavy drinking is hazardous on such hot summer days, but you’d better drink up at this point, because that two-piece indie folk band isn’t getting better anytime soon.
six degrees of separation
do you know how chris pine and winona ryder are connected? send your answers to sixdegrees@theblacksheeponline.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a sweet prize!
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