Minnesota - Issue 13 - 11/20/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Volume 7

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 13

So, What Should You Stuff Your Turkey With This Thanksgiving? Megan Felz wrote this Ever since the first Thanksgiving, stuffing has been a staple of Thanksgiving dinner to commemorate how the Europeans stuffed themselves into a new country and displaced and killed thousands of Native Americans. But… technicality, right? In order to commemorate the tradition of stuffing a bird with breadcrumbs, we’re here to offer up some hip and happenin’ alternatives to what you should stuff your Turkey with this Thanksgiving season. Getting stuffed has never been so fun. Your Midterm Grades: So, your midterm grades may not have been as sexy as expected, kind of like that time you took too much Viagra and had a raging boner for 8 hours. We understand that taking tests is difficult and finding someone to deal you Adderall for those extra-stressful times is even more difficult. Put the past behind you and stuff your midterms into the turkey, no one will be the wiser. Even if you didn’t pass your midterms, a few days later at least your colon will. There really isn’t much more you could possibly want. Snack Packs: Nothing classes things up quite like a Snack Pack, and you want to have the classiest Thanksgiving ever so this is the only logical next step. Who wouldn’t want to stuff a creamy dessert inside of a large vessel of meat? Vanilla, chocolate, butterscotch, this stuffing revolution will be an instant hit. Pinkies up for this one, you’re going to hit new social highs with this tasty gem. Another Turkey: Turkey-ception? Yes, please. Turduckens are so last season, turturkens are the new rage. Deli slices, turkey bacon, whatever has some semblance of turkey in it, throw it in. Sure, it may be slightly incestual, but really, what isn’t these days? French Fries: French fries taste good with everything. Yes, everything. There’s even a french fry fetish tab on some porn sites where people are just seen seductively eating those golden rods of greasy goodness. And the only thing more American than loading food up with additional greasy carbs is singing “The Star Spangled Banner” naked, so at least with the French fries your grandma will still be able to look you in the face afterward.

day. Cue the energy drinks. Throw a 5-hour Energy in your turkey and you’ll be able to keep up when your dad and your grandpa start to debate American Idol vs. The Voice.

Energy Drinks: After your second serving, the abundance of tryptophan-laden meat is sure to knock you out faster than that double shot of Everclear you thought was a good idea on your 21st birth-

Marijuana: Why settle for pot brownies when you can make the ultimate edible? Being incredibly stoned is the perfect way to get through a family dinner filled with your uncle’s obsession with real-

ity television and your cousin’s preoccupation with finger puppets. Time to deviate from traditional Thanksgiving and bring your turkey into the 21st century by pounding that bad boy up its bird hole with miscellaneous ingredients. Be bold and try one of these suggestions to stuff your turkey with and you’ll never be so happy to have meat in your face again.

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FIND OUT YOUR UMN STRIPPER NAME

STUDENTS DEBATE MERIT OF DELICIOUS CAMPUS TURKEY

HOW TO AVOID THE WORST QUESTIONS YOU’LL BE ASKED AT THANKSGIVING

BUT… SO TASTY.

JUST MEMORIZE THESE ANSWERS AND KEEP TOPPING OFF YOUR WINE.

JUST IN CASE THAT DEGREE YOU’RE WORKING SO HARD ON FAILS YOU.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Mackenzie Harding

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Hannah Botsford

EDITORIAL MANAGER Megan Felz

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

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FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Cora Neisen, Lily Noonan Aron Wolde, Annie Cameron Victoria Petelin

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n o w LEASING l e a s i n g FOR f o r2014 fall 2014! NOW & 2015!

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A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Damn, these headphones suck!

THE FRENCH RIPPER

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

BARTOGRAPHY To produce a map that shows the location of bars in one’s city.

Ryan’s attempt at bartography was noble, but all the bars in his college town were on the same street.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Developed “Captain’s Reserve” coffee brand.

Born in Bothell, Washington.

Died in 2010.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_UMN

TEACHER CRUSH SCALE 1) Acceptable: It’s just a little crush. They had a chili pepper on Rate My Professor, so you took the class. Every college kid experiences the confusion of having the hots for teacher, but it’s a normal aspect of your college experience.

3) Not Quite as Cute: You go to their office hours just to spend quality time with them, and pretend like you’re interested in whatever topic they teach. But you’re not fooling anyone. We know you don’t care about the difference between sedimentary and metamorphosed deposits.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea at the U, but for some reason the source of all your sexual frustration is the professor who’s giving you a C in Psychology. But for you, that might be just the type of tension you crave. Professors are the ultimate package: Educated, established, good communicators and, most of all, completely unattainable. But like any forbidden fruit, make sure you rank your teacher crush, and know when it starts to get out of control. Big Biscuit Wrote This

5) Concerning: Maybe you shouldn’t send him love letters and anoyomyous romantic emails. As much as your professor appreciates positive feedback on his teacher evaluation, that doesn’t mean you can doodle hearts, sweet nothings and pictures of your future babies on it.

7) Very concerning: Just because your teacher’s number is on the syllabus doesn’t mean you can call him in the middle of the night and attempt to initiate phonesex. Voicemails aren’t ok either.

9) Be careful or you’ll get a restraining order: Sending them nudes, showing up to their office hours in lingerie and giving them raunchy gifts is bad, but showing up to their house is taking it to another level of creepy.

2) Cute: You raise your hand every chance you can. You make sure to answer every question with a smile. It’s still pretty unclear whether you’re a brown nosed suck-up, or an unrequited lover.

4) Slightly Uncomfortable: You dress up for office hours and are blatantly flirtatious with them. You might want to calm it down a bit. Don’t whip out the snug-fitting v-neck or thigh-high pencil skirt if your professor is about to go to a faculty meeting.

6) More Concerning: R-rated emails are not acceptable either. Or dirty Moodle messages. Basically any type of sexual Internet encounter isn’t just inappropriate, it’s risky. What if you accidentally sent your private school girl pic to your whole discussion group?

8) You should drop the class: Because calling them pet names like “sugarbuns” in front of your lecture hall when they call on you is not a good idea. You don’t want 239 other people thinking that you’re having an affair with your married professor.

10) Please don’t kill their spouse: Is it really that much to ask? Really? Just don’t kill people! Don’t kill your professor’s husband or wife, just don’t do it! If you’ve gotten to this point, just please do us the favor of NOT killing your professor’s spouse. It’s really not that difficult.

MAKE ‘EM PROUD

THE TOP TEN Classes You Should Have Dropped The drop date for fall classes was November 10. While you may have seen the opportunity and decided to stay the course, many of you have passed the date with a certain amount of regret. Maybe you thought the class would get better, perhaps you thought you would learn something worthwhile or, most likely, you simply forgot when the drop date was. Whatever reasons you may have had, here are a few classes you definitely should have dropped this semester. Hey, hindsight’s 20/20. 10.) GWSS 4004 Logistics of Desire: It stands to reason that learning everything there is to know about desire is a good way to get laid. But the reality is no one on Tinder is looking for a mate with a clinical understanding of desire. Your best bet at getting some is by hitting on some fellow classmates, which won’t fly in a Gender Woman’s Sexuality Studies class. 9.) SURG 7523 Externship in Colon and Rectal Surgery: There sure are a lot of assholes in this class. Also a shitload of papers, butt stuff, etc. Imagine how hard a 7000-level class is with the added misery of butt-themed puns.

Find Out Your UMN Stripper Name Floco Jones wrote this With finals looming just around the corner, you’re seriously considering dropping out of school. Curious, you Google an average stripper’s salary. When you realize strippers make way more money than you can ever hope to make with your degree in forestry, you strongly consider taking up a full-time position as a stripper. And why wouldn’t you? Strippers are basically living your dream life. They get to dance to remixes, not wear pants, and take off their bras before work is over. You have to become a stripper. You have what it takes, right? The body… well, you could start that Jillian Michaels hot yoga DVD you got on the clearance rack at Target and get the body in 4-6 weeks (guaranteed!). You’ve got the looks… in… in the right lighting you look pretty okay. The charm… you can sometimes bring yourself to smile at the people who hold clipboards in front of Coffman. BUT YOU DON’T HAVE A STRIPPER NAME! What are you gonna do? The Black Sheep is here to help. If you’re looking to pick up some extra cash with that ass, here’s how to find out your UMN stripper name. If your first name starts with… A: Academic Integrity B: Bemidji C: Curved D: Dinky E: Eagan F: Floco G: Goldy H: Hallie I: Icey J: Jerrysota K: Kinesiology L: Lady Slipper M: Mariucci

N: No: Shave O: Oaky P: Pio Q: Quizzy R: Re: write S: Snowy T: T.A. T.A. U: Uni V: Viagra W: Woo X: Xerox Y: Yucky Z: Zippy

If your last name starts with… A: Abroad B: Bank C: Carlson D: Dean E: East Banks F: Fafsa G: Gopher H: Heller I: Itasca J: Jones K: Kill L: Lind M: Mesa

N: North O: One Stop P: Pio Q: Qualm R: Rapson S: St. Cloud T: Tate U: Under V: Village W: Willey X: Xcel Y: Yudo Z: Zzz

So, you’ve got your stripper name. That’s the first step. Next, go to a pole dancing class with bored middle-aged women who’ve read Fifty Shades of Grey one time too many. “One time” being one too many. Even if you’re the worst in the class, it’s a start. Maybe you won’t get hired at Déjà Vu right away, but you can still suggest playing a round of strip poker at the next house party you’re at to get your career well on its way. Even if you don’t go into a career in exotic dancing, you can still use your new stripper name in many situations. For example, when you’re getting hit on or you need to make a fake ID for your little sister. Just name-drop your very own UMN stripper name and you’ll be golden. It’s a foolproof system. So, go on. Don’t register for classes for next semester. Unless it’s a pole dancing class at that local non-profit dance studio in Uptown. The weather may be getting chilly, but your career is just now starting to heat up.

8.) MORT 3016 Funeral Service Marketing and Merchandising: This has to be the darkest class a student can take at the U. It’s literally you merchandising off of the dead. Does every department have some dark twisted intro course? Is the veterinary medicine version of this class intro to dead puppies? Which is worse, a “W” on your transcript or an “F” on your soul? 7.) DNCE 1601 Dance Improvisation: Dance like no one is watching. Done. If you already know this then all you’re doing is watching other people flop around a room for one hour to 80s music. This is not a productive use of your time. Besides, the only real dance moves you need to know are The Electric Slide, The Bus Driver, and The Cabbage Patch. Anything else and you’re just bragging. 6.) CVM 6663 Small Animal Surgery: This might be the dead puppy class we were talking about. You should not be taking this class. Not because it isn’t worthwhile, but because the final exam is going to involve a small puppy named Spot and a scalpel. 5.) SLHS 1402 The Talking Brain: You felt pretty smart taking this class, didn’t you? This is the kind of class you take so you can talk about taking it. “What am I doing? I’m learning about talking brains!” Felt so good, didn’t it? But the sad truth is, every time you bring this up on a date, family dinner, or wherever, there’s someone probably waiting to smack the pretentious out of you. 4.) MUS 3480 Marching Band: You know people don’t really care about marching bands because no one really knows where they end up marching to. The grade you get in this class is directly proportional to how lame you are. Except if you play saxophone, saxophones are forever cool. 3.) ANSC 3221 Animal Breeding: Because you’re not a creep. Statistically speaking, the moment you consider playing some Marvin Gaye in front of two animals, you become a creep. 2.) CSPH 5533 Introduction to Energy Healing: This isn’t a literal energy class. The second you smell the burning incense and patchouli oil, you should understand this is not a real class. While everyone loves the possibility of wasting their time on some weird class, you need to remember: your parents didn’t spend their money for you to learn about energy healing. They spent it so you could learn about things like real energy. 1.) PHAR 4248 Drugs of Abuse: No free samples. Turn that syllabus into some rolling papers because that’s all you’re going to get. Aron Wolde wrote this

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What’s one change the U of M could make that you’d be thankful for this Thanksgiving?

JAMILIA, SOPHOMORE “More snow days.”

MARGARET, SOPHOMORE “Better food.”

CARISA, SOPHOMORE “Stop watering the sidewalks with sprinklers in the spring.”

YUMMMM PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

UMN Students Debate Merit of

Delicious Campus Turkeys Cora Neisen wrote this Anyone who has wandered around campus has seen a wild turkey or two roaming around. At first it’s a little alarming to see a fleet of turkeys amid a 50,000-person metropolitan university area, but after a while you get accustomed to seeing the lil’ gobblers running around. They’re even kind of cute with their wrinkly, saggy neck flap and poopbrown feathers. However, with Thanksgiving just around the corner, tensions are high among the turkey community. November is always a stressful time and safety is never guaranteed. This quickly became an issue many turkey lovers felt passionate about. “These turkeys have defined our campus! We can’t let them perish!” self-proclaimed leader of the recently-created Students for Turkeys activist coalition, Marc Davis, announced at a recent rally in front of Coffman. Other than a minor skirmish with a 400-pound man with a “Honk for meat” t-shirt, the protesters were received relatively well. “You know, this is something that doesn’t receive enough attention from mainstream news outlets, but this is a serious issue,” Davis told The Black Sheep in a later interview. “Plus, a lot of animal

activists have deemed this as more of a ‘meh’-issue, but this should be taken as seriously as that time they almost closed Mesa to put in a hotel! We won’t back down!” he added with his hands on his hips while dramatically looking off into the distance. Soon after the rally, Students for Turkeys was seen handing out flyers and holding signs in Northrop with passion that rivaled the extremist Christians that just wouldn’t leave The Mall area earlier in the semester. Signs read “Call the U home? So do hundreds of turkeys! Let them stay!” and “Flappy bird? More like endangered bird! Save the turkeys!” News of this quickly reached the Oval Office. It’s rumored that the Students for Turkeys coalition met with Obama via Skype to discuss this serious issue. Soon after the meeting, Obama released an official statement pardoning all wild turkeys on the U of M campus, ultimately saving them from becoming part of someone’s sandwich. “It has been brought to our attention that the turkeys at the University of Minnesota have faced a long history of pain and struggle,” the release read. “We understand that these turkeys have

become a staple on campus, and want to ensure their safety in the days leading up to Thanksgiving. We are implementing an official pardon for all turkeys within a two-mile radius of the University of Minnesota campus.” While the president was busy with other things like the Middle East and Ferguson, The Black Sheep spoke to one of his secretaries about the new policy. “We hope that by implementing this policy, we create a safe community for all beings,” she commented. When we asked more specific questions, she mumbled something about

national security being at risk and shuffled out of the room. Students for Turkeys have counted this as a win for turkeys and turkey activists every where and could not be more thrilled with the outcome. “I think our hard work really paid off, and I am so proud that we created such a safe environment,” Davis commented. He later stated that he spoke directly to a turkey earlier and wanted to relay the deep appreciation they felt to all those working hard on this campaign. Davis declined to comment on how one would communicate with a turkey.

NOW LEASING FOR 2014 & 2015!

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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour Mon-Sat 3-8pm 2 for 1 on “Almost” Anything $1 OFF Appetizers LATE NIGHT Happy Hour Fri-Sat 8pm10PM: $3 Calls, Wells and Any Tap, $4 Vodka Red Bulls

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

SATURDAY! Cabooze Presents: 40th Anniversary Concert Series The Gooneybirds Reunion Special Guest: Kung Fu Hippies

WEDNESDAY: $2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Thursday 11/20

8pm-Close: All-U-Care-2-Drink with a College or Military ID $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O-Bombs, $3 UV Vodka

Karaoke Thursdays! Free Shot When You Sing Karaoke $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 U-Call-It Shots

Cabooze Presents: Casey Donahew Band, Special Guest: Midnight River Choir Doors 8 PM, Music 9 PM, Age 18+ Advance $10, Door $15

Half price bottles of wine starting at 5pm Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Friday 11/21

8pm-Close: $4 Three Olives Vodka $5 Three Olives Flavored Long Islands, $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

Cabooze Presents: Alex Rossi of Root City & Crankshaft and the Gear Grinders Doors 8:30 PM, Music 9 PM, Age 18+, Door $8 Genre: Funky Blues, R&B, Jam Band

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Saturday 11/22

8pm-Close: $4 Bacardi $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Cabooze Presents: 40th Anniversary Concert Series The Gooneybirds Reunion Special Guest: Kung Fu Hippies Doors 8:30 PM, Music 9:30 PM, Age 18+ Advance $8, Door $10

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Sunday 11/23

Open ONLY for Vikings & Special Events $3 Wells and Domestic Taps $4 Calls, Micro/Import Taps

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

Cabooze Presents: The King’s Dead w/ Special Guests 8:00 PM, Music 9:00 PM, Age 18+ Advance $10, Door $15 Genre: Underground Hip-Hop

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Monday 11/24

Mason Jar Monday (8pm-Close) $3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double UV Vodka & Rails $5 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud or Bud Light Towers.

Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Tuesday 11/25

Birthday Karaoke Night!

8pm - Close: $3 U-Call It’s Rails, Calls and Every Beer on Tap

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

Wednesday 11/26

8pm-Close: $0.25 Wings with College or Military ID, or purchase of a $8 AUCD wristband. ($.50 without) $8 AUC2D Miller Lite Tap, Wells, Bacardi Oakheart, $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall Boys”

Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM; 2-4-1 drinks: 4 PM-close; Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints

Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

$2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

THE BAR GRID MONDAY! College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

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Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan 9 & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight

Thursday 11/20

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles 7pm-Close

Friday 11/21

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

Saturday 11/22

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close

Sunday 11/23

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

Monday 11/24

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Trivia Tuesday w/ Tim (8-Close): $3 Domestic Taps, $4 Craft & Import Taps Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm - Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

Tuesday 11/25

WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to All Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

Karaoke 9-Close w/ $3 Summit Taps Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, 43 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

Wednesday 11/26

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER @BLACKSHEEP_UMN Folks, it’s that time of year again! Get out your jerseys and your maroon and gold duffels full of merch because basketball fever is sweeping across campus, and you DO want to get infected. You don’t need a flu shot to prevent this sickness, ‘cause it’s the sickest ill around: sports. This year, UMN’s home slate kicked off with an adorable game against the University of Minnesota-Duluth. Who took home the gold? Minnesota did. Not sure who to credit for that win-win situation, but at least now everyone has the confidence to start the season off right. The game started as per usual: a cluster of spirited college sports fans and their alcoholic dads rushed to their seats clutching buckets full of cheese curds as the players milled around the court high-fiving and popping squats in preparation for the game. The cheerleaders jumped around a little bit to get everyone excited for this middleaged in a blazer (probably the coach or something), who waved at the crowd and then wandered slowly off the court. Was he supposed to be there? Who knows? Maybe it was early senility.

UMN Basketball Season in Full Swing Victoria Petelin wrote this

Twitter @BLACKSHEEP_UMN

Both teams half-jogged onto the court with effortless confidence. They all ran over to one side, someone tried to score but was blocked, one guy kind of shoved another guy in the shoulder which made the referee a little bit mad, everyone took a break for about five minutes, and then they went onto the court again. Thank god the sports commentators seemed to know what was happening because after a while these things start to seem sort of repetitive and pointless, like Friday night ‘tween dramas. Where’s the rising action? The climax? The drama? A highlight of the game was when a guy on the west side of the court accidentally spilled his drink on his girlfriend and she shouted something like,“That’s the last damn time Connor!” and was about to storm off but accidentally left

her parka next to Connor, who was sheepishly wiping up the drink. Finally, the drama that we had been waiting for. There was a moment of inner conflict where she knew she had to retrieve her jacket but also didn’t want to look at Connor. She stormed back over to him, swept up the parka in one fell swoop, and marched off again. An excellent performance on her part. Connor won’t be spilling drinks again anytime soon. After the drink incident, one of the players from the UMN-Twin Cities team performed a heartwarming pass to his teammate, which resulted in a goal for the Golden Gophers. Everyone was really impressed, not just because of the physical precision of the move, but also because it exemplified what sorts of things we can achieve when we all work together. The sports commentators started to shout things about remarkable numbers and turnover ratios, which made some of the fans go absolutely berserk, but left some of us completely in the dark. Whatever. We’re proud anyway. Then the commentators started to talk about someone not being able to get inside, whatever that means, sounds sexual. It’s an open court, what is there to get inside of? They must have been confused. In any case, the end of the game looked pretty much like the beginning of the game. Everyone was running around in shorts and knee socks, there were a couple passes, some impressive high jumps, and the crowd went wild pretty consistently for about an hour and a half. Someone got inside something at some point. Who knows. The game ended 95-68 in favor of the Twin Cities campus, but more importantly, in favor of Minnesota. Now isn’t that nice? Sports are great, and if you can take anything from this riveting commentary, it’s that you don’t need to know shit about sports to talk about them. What a time to be alive.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 5 ou

1) Movies: November 5th’s Interstellar is directed by whom?

6) The Human Body: What does “subcutaneous” mean?

2) Thanksgiving: Traditionally, where was the first Thanksgiving celebrated?

7) Currency: The krone is the primary currency used by two countries. Name one.

3) Literature: What literary collection features such as “Aladdin’s Wonderful Lamp” and “The Seven Voyages of Sinbad the Sailor”?

8) Sports: Who recently passed Brett Favre for most NFL passing touchdowns of all time?

4) Food: Similar to flour, masa is made from ground what?

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9) Fads of the 1990’s: Huge in the mid-1990’s, Beanie Babies were manufactured by what brand?

5) History: Who shot Lee Harvey Oswald outside the Dallas Police Headquarters on November 4th, 1963?

10) Fashion: What clothing brand features an open-mouthed crocodile as its logo?

Robin’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Christopher Nolan 2) Pennsylvania 3) 1,001 Nights 4) Potato 5) Someone with issues 6) Under the skin 7) Denmark 8) I don’t know 9) Jelly 10) Lacoste

1) Christopher Nolan 2) Plymouth or Plymouth Colony 3) 1,001 Nights 4) Corn 5) Jack Ruby 6) Under the skin 7) Norway, Denmark 8) Peyton Manning 9) Ty 10) Lacoste

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

THE FINAL POTLUCK

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

HOW TO AVOID THE

WORST

QUESTIONS

YOU’LL BE ASKED AT

THANKSGIVING KATELIN HOWELL WROTE THIS

hanksgiving is a special holiday that brings the whole family together to celebrate football, eating and being thankful for all the things we have in our lives. Thanksgiving is also a time when family members you see maybe twice a year ask college students the “typical” college questions. The Black Sheep brings you the most typical questions you hear around the smorgasbord of food, and how to walk the line with your response. Remember, you’re not lying, you’re just telling a modified truth.

Question: “Are you seeing anyone special?” Who’s Asking It: Your aunt on your dad’s side. Why It’s Asked: Closed-minded family members are worried you’re gay until you get married. What You Should Say: “You know, I’m just so busy with classes that it seems almost impossible to make time for a significant other. I barely have time to make time for myself, let alone someone else.” What You Really Mean: “It takes too much effort to impress someone of the opposite sex at 8 a.m., and that’s just something I can’t handle on a daily basis. The closest relationship I have right now is with Netflix.”

Question: “Are you working at all?” Who’s Asking It: Your uncle on your mom’s side. Why It’s Asked: Your family wants you to have real-life experiences instead of just going to classes. What You Should Say: “School is really my full-time job, and I’m okay with that. I’ve had some jobs here and there to get some spending money, but I definitely need to focus on my schoolwork more.” What You Really Mean: ”If someone would be willing to hire me for the 90 minutes between me getting home for class and me heading out to hang out with friends, I’d have a job.”

Question: “How are things in that fraternity/sorority of yours?” Who’s Asking It: Your aunt who was in a sorority during her college years. Why It’s Asked: Greek life was different back in the day, but they don’t realize that. What You Should Say: “It’s great! I’ve met a lot of people through philanthropy parties and mixers and I’ve really enjoyed that aspect of it.” What You Really Mean: “Yes, I’ve met a lot of people but I was drunk 98 percent of the time, so I wouldn’t be able to point them out if they were in this room with us right now.”

Question: “How’s that 4.0 coming?” Who’s Asking It: Your 25-year-old cousin who just graduated from law school. Why It’s Asked: Because it’s actually important to get good grades. What You Should Say: “Oh, it’s going really well. I’m working really hard to keep up the As. One day you’ll be working for me!” What You Really Mean: *Uncontrollable laughter* “You’re kidding, right?”

Question: “What do you want to do with an [insert major here] degree?” Who’s Asking It: Your grandmother on your mom’s side. Why It’s Asked: Life was simpler in the olden days and they can’t imagine how an apparel studies major is a real thing. What You Should Say: “I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I’d like to achieve with this degree, but as graduation draws near I’m sure the classes I’ll be taking will prepare me for exactly what I want out of the path I’ve chosen.” What You Really Mean: “Honestly I have no idea what the hell I want to do. Hopefully something here will point me in the right direction. I’ll take whatever job I’m lucky enough to get after I graduate. Can you believe apparel studies is a thing?”

Question: “You’re not getting into all those drugs now, right?” Who’s Asking It: A different uncle on your dad’s side. With a wink. Why It’s Asked: Because they remember college in the 80s. What You Can Say: “I’ve been to parties where there have been drugs around. They way people act while on drugs looks so crazy, I don’t know how people do it regularly.” What You Really Mean: “I’ve done drugs at some of those parties and I act just as crazy as everyone else. Once, I woke up in our school’s fountain in the middle of campus with no pants. I have no idea how I got there. I actually don’t know how people do it regularly.”

Question: “How was the…” *another family member interrupts you* “What a cock-block, am I right?” Who’s Asking It: Your 54-year-old uncle on your mom’s side who tries to act like he’s 19. Why It’s Asked: You’re not really sure what just happened here. What You Should Say: “I’m sorry, what were you gonna say?” What You Really Mean: “What… um… I’m sorry, did you just say cock-block to me?”

Question: “What has been your favorite experience at college so far?” Who’s Asking It: Your dad. Why It’s Asked: This is a trick question to see what kinds of activities you’ve been up to. What You Should Say: “Meeting people who share the same interests as me has been great. I love hanging out with people who accept me and who like to do the same things as me.” What You Really Mean: “Meeting people like me who like to party like me and get as drunk as me. That’s been my favorite experience so far.”

Question: “What are parties like in college?” Who’s Asking It: Your 14-year-old cousin who looks up to you. Why It’s Asked: Little ones are curious about everything. What You Should Say: “They’re not like what you see in the movies. People don’t pass out on the roof and get wild until 4 a.m. Don’t believe everything you see.” What You Really Mean: “It’s a rarity for someone to make it to the roof before they pass out. I did see a girl throw up in her own hair at a Halloween party though, and it wasn’t because she ate too much candy.”

Question: “How are you feeling about the economy? Did you vote in the midterm election?” Who’s Asking It: Your Democratic uncle on your dad’s side. Why It’s Asked: Because you are the future. What You Can Say: “I really think our economy needs some help, but Obama is doing the best he can in his position. But no, I did not vote in the midterm election because I felt like I didn’t have enough knowledge on the candidates in my state.” What You Really Mean: “I really hate everything about politics, but I don’t want to go into a four-hour discussion with you on something that I don’t care about.”

Question: “Have you found a church at your school?” Who’s Asking It: Your very conservative grandmother on your mom’s side. Why It’s Asked: If you don’t go to church while in college, according to your conservative grandmother, you’re going to hell. What You Should Say: “There are lots of churches around campus, but usually I spend my Sunday mornings studying or catching up on some sleep.” What You Really Mean: “I usually rage too hard Saturday night so I physically can’t get out of bed before 1 p.m.”

Question: “You better graduate on time! Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know.” Who’s Asking It: Your grandfather on your dad’s side. Why It’s Asked: You’re making your parents poor, and they keep asking your grandparents for money. He’s pissed about it. What You Should Say: “I definitely know how expensive it is! I love college though. It’s been a great experience and it’s going to be really hard leaving it one day.” What You Really Mean: “I’m literally never going to leave college ever.”

THE BACK PAGE

the GETTING DUMPED LIKE A PRO madlib This past weekend, I got dumped. I should have seen it coming, but since I’m usually drinking ___1___ through ___2___, I guess everything was a little fuzzy. The writing was on the wall, but it still hit me like a ton of ___3___ . However, like a strong woman once sang, I will survive. We fell in love - or something like that - during welcome week. I saw ___4___ sitting in his dorm room, with the light of ___5___ on his laptop illuminating his gorgeous face. He was about to shotgun a beer - a ___6___ , my favorite, and I was already smitten. My roommate’s ___7___ ’s cousin from ___8___ suggested we walk in and ask for a chaser for our ___9___ vodka. He said they only had ___10___ , and that’s totes my fave. I shrieked with the excitement of our instant connection, and they invited us in to take shots until we couldn’t stand anymore. I was drunk… and in love. But a few weeks later, in retrospect, is when things started to go downhill. First, he didn’t invite me to dinner in ___11___ on Wednesday - our day - and it was ___12___ night, and he knew I waited all week for that. He also told me that he had to study for ___13___ with ___14___ which totally bummed me out. Later, when I was creeping by his closed door for the 10th time that evening, I heard some annoying girl-laugh and fell into a depression. After much over-analyzing with ___15___ and sipping on ___16___ , we knew what we had to do; we had to Catfish him. But before I could even make a fake Gmail account, I had already passed out. So this past Saturday I did what any normal, insane girl would do; drunkenly freak out on ___17___. He said we had to stop seeing each other when I started going on and on about how his ___18___ eyes wouldn’t match the ___19___ I’d have in my wedding, anyway, plus he’s allergic to cats and I was definitely going to have a ___20___ named ___21___. He said I was “more psycho than ___22___” and left me in the street to go to ___23___. I followed him in there, only to fill a cup with ___24___ and pour it on his head in front of everyone. I felt amazing getting escorted out by the manager, like ___25___ riding a jet-ski in ___26___ and I realized that I would be okay. I would survive, and I will survive.

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