b t w b o o z E F E r q a u a E E
n y T l o l o B l f G a n h p l l
k o H y o l o F p n A z d I p k k
m p E m u r e U a m M m i S y m m
k l x t r S h N n f E t r S h r r
@BlackSheep_UMN • December 12th, 2013
q t c B b H u o A x S e u U q q q
e w z L m E l o N a S l l E w s s
e e v A w e n b D e e e e l e y e
e r b C x P b s b s s s s s s s s
a k r K z k s a j a a a a a a a a
r o u o k j u s r h h h h h h h h
b r e n d a n s u x p p p p p p p
>>
Meet the Staff <<
Campus manager Liandra Sy
Campus director Brendan Bonham
Advertising Managers Ryan Betz
owner Atish Doshi
Writers Alexandra Adams, Megan Felz Heather Berglund, Cora Neisen, David Zirinsky, Mathew Kennedy Jake Giebel
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
Social media manager Alexandra Adams Promotions manager It could be you!
Questions info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390-1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900
Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Follow us! @blacksheep_UMN • theblacksheeponline.com Brand New, Luxury, Furnished, 10-Unit Apt. Building! Brand New, Luxury, Furnished, 56-Unit Apartments! City Views, Fireplaces, Walk-in Closets, Flat Screen TV’s, Large Balconies, Furnished Open Layout Floor Plan, Stainless Steel Appliances, Granite Countertops, In-Unit Washer & Dryer, Underground Assigned Parking! www.ELYSIANAPTS.com • 711 4th St SE • 612-379-1050
1-10 BEDROOM HOUSES, DUPLEXES, APARTMENTS, ROOM’S FOR RENT
City Views, Walk-in Closets, Flat Screen TV’s, Furnished Open Floor Plan, Stainless Steel Appliances, Granite Countertops, In-Unit Washer & Dryer, Covered Assigned Parking! Dinkytown • 525 10th Ave SE • 612.843.4888
NOW LEASING FOR 2014! CALL TODAY FOR SPECIALS!
CPMCOS.COM • 612.843.4888 • UOFMPROPERTY.COM • U. OF MINNESOTA AREA
Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UMN
#goodtimes
Have you ever seen the Cape of Good Hope?
It makes for great camouflage when I’m sneaking around your back yard.
Seriously?
DON’T MESS AROUND WITH
#BADTIMESMAN Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheep_UMN #BadTimesMan
If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!
Word
Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UMN
Bravadough An increased sense of self-worth directly correlated to one’s increased self-worth. “When Greg got $70 for that econ text book his bravadough went so far through the roof he bought a table of strange women a round of shots.”
of the
Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UMN First right answer wins a prize! Last Week’s Answer: Baylor the bear
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UMN and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
White “football” icon meets black football icon, last quarterbacked for the Vikings.
Last Week’s Answer: John Watership Down
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
The Black Sheep’s
Guide to Wrapping a Gift
Step 2: Determine Your Length: Ah, victory! Victory over, you Tom, do you hear us? Unravel some wrapping paper and place your gift on it to make sure you measure enough wrapping paper to wrap the whole thing. Otherwise you’re just being wasteful and…wait, now there’s more than enough—like, an inch too much, which is perfect, because now you have to cut the paper. Now it’s time to see what you’re made of, buds-o. The cut should be straight and uniform, just make sure you use a steady hand and, no! No! God, why did you stop to scratch your stomach? Now we’re going to have to start all over because it’s uneven, or, wait, it’s not that bad, just freaking finish this cut and remember to tuck this side under the straight edge, or do you not have the self-control to do even that?
Step 1: Collect Your Supplies: You have the present you bought for the person you want to manipulate care for and you remembered to pick up some wrapping paper at Staples, and what do ribbons or bows matter anyway, right? Good, great, you’re doing well here, you’re even holding those scissors away from your body. Now where’s the tape? You, yes you totally have it somewhere, remember that time you had to hang those—no, stop. Go check the drawer. No, not that one, the other one. It’s in there, isn’t it? It’s not? Well then—Tom. It had to be that asshole Tom. Great. Now you’re going to have to go back to the store and get some—Yes, you’re definitely going to have to pee in Tom’s orange juice—you’re going to have to get some more tape. Step 3: Determine Your Width: Unless you bought your loved one a twoby-four, that yard-tall roll of wrapping paper you just mangled is going to have to be hemmed a little for wrapping purposes. Measure the gift to determine an accurate cut point on the width sides and get to snippin’. Just—please, for the love of whatever deity it is your root for—do not make the same mistake again. Cut in a straight line, just be certain of yourself, man and don’t rip the—you ripped the goddamn paper, we just said not to do that. Ok, no, we’ll get through this. Just get a finished cut that works in theory. Yes, like string theory, but somehow more difficult for you to understand. We’re crying now, we hope you’re happy. Step 4: Tape the main lines: Remember that first big cut you finished? Now you’re going to tape each side together using one-inch pieces of tape at six-inch intervals. Oh yeah, that’s right, time to use that brandspankin’-new tape you nabbed in a jif, not that lost-under-his-bed roll that Tom—fucking Tom—so lazily lost like it was sticky dust in the wind. Now,
hold the wrapping seam together with one hand and use the other to tear off a piece of tape and—what do you mean this is harder than it sounds? No, ok, switch hands and try again. No, this way is definitely easier. Ugh, maybe work on your dexterity a little. You know, just let go of the wrapping and pull off like, six pieces of tape and put them somewhere, then use the tape. Jesus, you people. Step 5: Fold and Tape the Corners: You, uh, you haven’t been doing so hot at this, and now you expect to fold and tape at the same time? So you’re really going to do this? Fine. First, tear off four pieces of tape. Once those are easily accessible, pull each corner taught and fold it in half, diagonally. Then, fold in the sides. This isn’t brain surgery-level difficulty but—Christ, ok, just try it again, we’re so close. Deep breath…and fold. Wow, would you look at that. So great, once each of those have been done four times, you should fold and tape your trapezoidal flap to the gift. Goddammit, you forgot to prep the tape again, didn’t you? Fine, we’ll wait. Just…whistlin’ Dixie over here while this Cleatus-faced motherfu—Oh, hey, you’re back! Fold it and tape it…there! Voila! Does it look good? What? No? Well, then…
Step 6: Make Someone Else Do It: With your inability to do anything right, we’re sure you’ll hear it dozens of times this year: It’s the thought the counts. So, when you hand over that perfectly-wrapped gift to your family member or gift-level acquaintance, then you can say, “Hey, I tried wrapping this but I think my parents drove a railroad spike through my head as a child, so I totally butchered my attempt and I had to beg someone way more competent than I to do it for me,” or something to that effect. And beg them, you will.
looking for an internship? Marketing, Ad Sales, Writing, and more! Get experience doing something you love!
04
Apply online today! theblacksheeponline.com
What Does Your UMN Dorm Say About Your Study Habits? Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hide yo Netflix, hide yo Twitter, and hide yo phone because it’s finals week. We all have different study strategies, but we can agree that watching five seasons of The Office followed by a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon just won’t cut it during finals. Some students go for a “guzzle a gallon of coffee and wear footie pajamas to the library” approach. Others spend every waking moment in Starbucks, while the remaining camp out on their couch in their Batman underwear with a can of BBQ Pringles. Campus dorms, where you live, or lived, say a lot about your study habits, as well as your access to Adderall.
Ten
Gifts for President Kaler By: David Zirinsky
10.) A paramedic team: Next time Coach Kill goes down we don’t want to be the ones to give him mouth-to-mouth, or miss a perfectly good football game just to take him to the hospital. Gift Kaler a couple of these guys, that way you don’t have to keep them on your own meager payroll. 9.) A campus representative: Everyone at this campus is either from Minnesota or the rejects of... er, we mean the cream of the crop… from Wisconsin. This campus rep could pull in people from the other 48 states and potentially show people outside of Minnesota that not only is there a university in this far north state, but it’s a pretty good one, too. 8.) A stunt double: President Kaler always has to speak at various functions, but he needs time to run this university. This person can deliver the generic speeches while Kaler tries to run around campus in snow pants. 7.) A public relations firm: Something’s bound to happen at the university, so when a professor snaps from Seasonal Affective Disorder after the Furry Convention goes awry, they’ll be there to patch up the holes. If there isn’t someone to do damage control, we risk losing the whole “Minnesota nice” reputation. lounges taking shots of tequila out of a Golden Gopher shot glass while they study for their calculus final. What’s a better incentive to get a problem right than a shot of shitty tequila? Others are seen posted up in their rooms writing a psychology paper, toked out their minds. Psychology is about the brain, so what better way to discuss the brain than when you don’t have a clear one and you’re eating stale Goldfish crackers? Alcohol is the last thing on the minds of the Middlebrook kids across the river. Middlebrook students often claim they don’t need incentives, prizes, or promises. However, being the predominately honors dorm, Nerf battles with Pokémon suits and Star Wars playing in the background often provide much-needed study breaks. Most students lock themselves in their
“With vodka on their minds and beer in their hearts, the T-Hall tenants can often be found in one of the study lounges taking shots of tequila while they study for their calculus final.” Over on East Bank, the study habits are entirely different. Being the party hub for all of SuperBlock, Territorial Hall, or T-Hall as some hooligans call it, boasts slightly different study habits—if you can even call them that. With vodka on their minds and beer in their hearts, the T-Hall tenants can often be found in one of the study
Top
Everyone gives gifts over the holidays that are not only useless, but also impossible to discern what their use actually is. Think “automatic toenail clipper” from Bed Bath & Beyond. Your family will still love you regardless of what you give them, right? That’s what family is supposed to be about. Other than family, however, it’s pretty much a cool gift or GTFO. With this in mind, The Black Sheep sat down to come up with the best gifts for our very own President Kaler.
By: Cora Neisen
Take Bailey for example: the far off rumble of the Campus Connector is often the only sign of life they see until they make the harrowing journey to Minneapolis. Due to Bailey being apart from all civilization, every year during finals week Mike Gould rides a donkey named Scuba to Bailey to post a scroll promising a return to civilization if students do well on their finals. Using the promise of seeing people other than CFAANs majors and scenery other than farmland, the students of Bailey buckle down. The readily-available farm animals are the perfect study partners for Biology 1010, while others study the lack of life to write their sociology paper. Some can even be found sitting among the rows of honeycrisp apple orchards in the soft dirt, pondering life in order to write their final philosophy paper.
The
rooms with nothing but their books and a Battlestar Galactica mug full of 5-hour Energy for the two weeks leading up to finals. The only time life is seen in the hallways is to signify the start of the Nerf battles. After the dramatic and theatrical Nerf production, students then immediately retreat to their rooms, often only sleeping as much as Octomom after she
gave birth. When test scores are released, the honors kids silently gloat while the rest of us consider if we too should have Nerf battles and lock ourselves in our room for days on end with only our calculus book for company. Then again, we always come to our senses. Back across the river, 17th is making quite a name for itself despite being brand new. With halls reminiscent of hotels and rooms that are double the size of most dorms, the tenants of 17th demand only the best study snacks, places, and habits. Using the gourmet restaurant in the basement, students can be found studying the effects of organic quinoa on bowel movements for their final paper in nutrition. Others simply pout until a personal study room with a hot tub and masseuse opens up. Obviously only the best food, best study spots, and best strategies are enough for the 17th tenants. Closer to the heart of campus, the students of Comstock are… um… what are they doing anyway? How are we supposed to know how they are studying when we forget it’s there? Does anything of significance ever happen there? We are going to take the liberty and say nope. Whether you study for free alcohol or for Nerf battles, you’re guaranteed to find at least one of the dorms on campus that can provide the perfect study space for you. If not, then Netflix has always got your back.
6.) A real gopher: Come on, this would make a great pet. It…it practically pays for itself, somehow.
5.) Your love: As a public figure, many may hate on Kaler’s decisions (you can’t please everyone), but he will cherish your love, which will cost you nothing except the low, low price of $14,000, excluding the cost of textbooks. All credit and debit cards accepted. 4.) My Little Pony apparel: Kaler was an engineer, and while he may seem to be normal, he is most certainly not. You must assume he a “brony”, and is largely obsessed with that show. Though you may not understand what exactly the show’s about, or Minnesota engineering guys’ obsession with it, order something with that theme online. Trust us, he’ll love it. 3.) A new racquetball stadium: The university racquetball team is grossly underappreciated, and attendance at Gopher racquetball is at a record low. A new stadium that can seat 20,000 people will help bridge this gap and boost the prestige of Gopher sports. 2.) Another golden statue of Goldy: Our campus only has one. There is safety in numbers. We already asked for donations for a first one, why not heckle people for more? 1.) A plethora of interns: What is better than an unpaid internship? An unpaid internship at your university! These slaves/students can do his bidding all in the hope of one day getting a job. The more the merrier, so make sure to find a lot of your friends you can sell into “slavery.” Kaler will be able to use them to run this university as he spends winter break in the Bahamas.
05
Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets Would you rather eat a cup of pee-snow, or let it melt but have to drink it through a straw?
h o m o re Andrew, Sop
“The snow because cold will numb my tongue, and I won’t taste it.”
r Danny, Junio
“Straw because the snow will melt in your mouth, this is more efficient.”
r Zach, Junio
“I’ll mix it with bourbon.”
quiz
What Late-Night Eatery Are You? 1) You just came from… a) I don’t even know. b) Some crazy-ass party in Como. c) The Library bar. d) Kitty Cat Klub. 2) How hungry are you? a) You could eat a horse and a half. b) A little rumbly. c) Moderately famished. d) 40 McNugs sound great right now. 3): Did you text your ex? a) No. Yes. A little bit… a lot. b) Only that you’re still hopelessly in love (and then you started crying). c) Hell no, you have better things to do. d) Deleted the message before you pressed send! 4) When did you last eat? a) Do “shots of Smirnoff” count? b) Dinner, but still craving that fourth meal.
c) Lunch-ish? d) Around 6 p.m., there was probably a fruit and cheese plate involved. 5) When you’re DJ you pick: a) “Dissolve Me,” Alt-J b) “23,” Mike Will Made It and Miley Cyrus c) Anything Flux Pavilion d) Ke$ha, like always 6) What’s your major? a) Undeclared and unphased b) Communications c) Science-y stuff d) Carlson (major irrelevant) 7) How ashamed would your mom be of you tonight? a) “That’s college, I guess”-ashamed . b) No shame, she’d be buying a round of red wine. c) “Not my son”-ashamed. d) “You’re grounded when you get back home”-ashamed .
8) The last thing you did was: a) Stole something. b) Frenched a stranger/probably got Mono. c) Fell on the sidewalk, can’t feel it. d) Took a cab home because you’re responsible/afraid of some people on the bus.
answer key Q1: a=1 b=2 c=3 d=4 Q2: a=1 b=4 c=3 d=2 Q3: a=2 b=1 c=4 d=3 Q4: a=1 b=3 c=2 d=4 Q5: a=4 b=2 c=3 d=1 Q6: a=1 b=2 c=4 d=3 Q7: a=3 b=4 c=2 d=1 Q8: a=1 b=2 c=3 d=4
By Alexandra Adams
8-13 Points: Whatever you can find in the cupboard: It doesn’t sound like you should be going anywhere right now. Do you even know where you are? If at some stranger’s, fine. But, friend, if you are this plastered in your own home, what are you doing with your life? And no, you shouldn’t eat that Cheeto on the floor. 14-19 Points: DrunkDonald’s: This is the loudest, drunkenest joint in Dinkytown. And yet everyone has done it, regardless of if you’re a hipster, frat boy, or honor student. Hell, even our vegetarians have tucked into a poorly-mixed McFlurry at 1a.m. DrunkDonald’s is just not about making a statement, unless that statement is “I am drunk and need some goddamn nuggets.” 20-25 Points: Mesa Pizza: And here you are, standing in a queue that’s longer than Austin Powers’ chest hair to try to get your drunken little fingers on a slice of Taco or Penne. The pizza is excellent quality, drunk or sober, but the line from midnight to 3a.m. is only to be attempted by the very intoxicated. Sometimes it’s just worth it. 26–32 Points: Jimmy John’s: Way to beat the system, man. Maybe your sandwich isn’t any healthier than pizza or French fries, but regardless, the real benefit is that you’re at home, on a couch/bed. In other words, you aren’t being trampled on for one friggin’ slice of Mesa’s mac-n-cheese, and are instead in a Snuggie. We salute you.
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
Our Mobile App Is Your New Best Friend
e and Android - Search Black Sheep Mobile • Download for FREE today! Avai
for iPhon ailable for iPhone and Android • Download for FREE today! Available
The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
Now through 12/30! $4 3 Olives Flavored Long Islands $4 16oz Miller Lite Cans $4 14oz Blue Moon Drafts $5 20oz Blue Moon Drafts
SATURDAY: 9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
WEDNESDAY: Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)
Thursday 12/12
COLLEGE THURSDAYS 8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers $1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco
9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.
Friday 12/13
8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm - Close $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Saturday 12/14
8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
Sunday 12/15
Closed on Sundays
10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close
Monday 12/16
Mason Jar Monday 8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Light Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
Tuesday 12/17
8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)
8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
Birthday Karaoke Night! Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf) $3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs $3 Long Island Pints
Wednesday 12/18
8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys
8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s
Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)
Call 612.379.6082 to schedule an appointment or visit TheRailApts.com
The Bar Grid EVERYDAY: Happy Hour 3-6PM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
WEDNESDAY: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies
18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am
WED: No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
SPECIAL NIGHT
1/2 Price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover
Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am
No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)
Thursday 12/12
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am La Femme: 8pm - 1am Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Friday 12/13
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Saturday 12/14
No Cover! Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close $4 Miller Lite Tall Boys during every Minnesota Pro Baseball game
Sunday 12/15
Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps $2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Service Industry Night! Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Show pay-stub from your bar or Come experience the 90s in itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs club and get free cover!
College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new! Free buffet starts at halftime of Monday Night Football!
NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Karaoke: 10pm - 2am
NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)
Monday 12/16
Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!
18+ $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am
No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)
Tuesday 12/17
18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!
No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
Wednesday 12/18
Amateur Night: Watch your sexy $2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm coeds on stage for the first time Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: compete for $200! $2 Select Beers & Drinks Contest Starts at 11:30pm 1/2 Price Select Apps Open to all Ladies
download our free iphone and android app
With Technology!
Old Christmas Movies, Revisited
A Christmas Story The Evils of Technology Make… “I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!” becomes: “I want the X-Box One Day One Edition with Kinect, an extra controller, and a copy of Call of Duty: Ghosts!” And the Movie Flips: After Ralphie unwraps the gift his father so sneakily hid in the corner behind the tree he hustles over to his 50-inch flatscreen to hook up this modern technological marvel. After entering his info (and his parents’ credit card number) he anxiously slides the Call of Duty disc into the slot. The game whirrs and whirrs until finally a message appears on the screen: “Drive Cannot Read Disc.” In a fit of prepubescent rage, Ralphie clocks the flatscreen as hard as he can, splintering the thin film of glass and smashing a hole into the family’s sole source of happiness. Scared to death by a report on glass poisoning they saw on the news a week prior, his parents rush him to the hospital for a Christmas Day evaluation. Under his breath Ralphie mutters something about this being his parents’ fault, and a few quick calls later two DCFS representatives are at the hospital with some unwanted Christmas inquiries.
We’re not much for nostalgia, especially around the holidays. If we were six years old and Santa gifted us a plain wooden horse with tin wheels, we’d be so far down the Naughty List the next year, you’d think we’d have murdered our parents. And we did, we definitely did, because even at six we knew Santa was fake, and that is not the PlayStation 4 we “asked” for. Yeah, so what? We like modern technology. What would happen if we forced this tech into old Christmas movies?
It’s a Wonderful Life The Evils of Technology Make… A tale about the redemption of a suicidal man who has given up on his dreams to help others becomes: Two guys on a cell phone chatting for two hours. And the Movie Flips: George Bailey sits alone in his underwear in his dark studio apartment watching a Christmas Eve Chopped marathon, empty 40s strewn around him. Bored and in need of attention, he fires up his cell phone and rips off a text message to his only friend, Clarence Odbody. “Gonna end it all tonight,” it reads. A minute later his phone vibrates, it’s Clarence, and he wants to talk. “Hah, there’s no heaven, you fuckin’ rube,” George the atheist tells Clarence, who insists that committing suicide with preclude George from getting into Heaven. They keep talking; Clarence citing examples of the good George’s service work has done for the community. George is only half paying attention because the contestants on Chopped have to work with a canned chicken, sweetbreads, honey sticks and Greek yogurt, and he has no idea what they’ll do with that. During commercial break, Clarence still on the phone, George walks over to the medicine cabinet and chases a handful of antidepressants with what’s left of his olde English 800, dozing off moments later to Clarence begging the phone, “Hello? Hello? George, you there?”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer The Evils of Technology Make… The Island of Misfit Toys becomes: The Island of Outdated Gadgets. And the Movie Flips: As Rudolph and company run away from the Abominable Snow Monster, the FAA calls them out on deviating from their assigned flight path, forcing them to land on a nigh-inhabited island known the Island of Outdated Gadgets. Stranded on the island overnight, the crew seeks out a place that’ll be open on Christmas Eve. Walking into a restaurant, Rudolph sees booths heavy with first generation iPads, Nooks, and Kindles that don’t have color screens. They turn and stare at Rudolph, recognizing him immediately. A liaison approaches the Christmas cadre begging, “Mr. Reindeer, please, please take us away from this horrible place to a magical land where we’re wanted!” After a quick powwow with Santa, Rudolph returns with an offer, “We can swing by and get you guys tomorrow, we’re way behind, and those kids in sub-Saharan Africa can’t even afford calendars, so they won’t know if we’re a little late. Can’t promise you they won’t use you as rock picks or something, though.” The Outdated G a d g e t s cheer with joy, as their Christmas is saved.
ONE M FREE ONTH RENT !
Live on the Right Side of the Tracks.
Call 612.379.6082 to schedule an appointment or visit TheRailApts.com
Featured Amenities: Large Bedrooms Big Units A Bathroom for Every Bedroom Workout Facility Club Room
now leasing for fall 2014!
Are You Smarter
than?
1) Christmas: Santa Claus is based off of Sinterklaas, a mythological person found in this group’s mythology.
6) Toys: 1998 saw a holiday craze for this toy, which could say things like, “Show me a dance” and “Tell me a joke.”
2) Hanukah: How many branches are there on a menorah?
7) History: On January 1, 1971, these items could no longer be advertised on TV in America.
3) Kwanzaa: In what year was Kwanzaa first celebrated? 4) New Year’s Eve: Since 2006, who has been tasked with presenting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve? 5) The Rose Bowl: Each year, the Rose Bowl is played in what stadium?
Tucker of Baldy’s BBQ
drinking game
Walter Library Drinking Game By: Mathew Kennedy
8) Birthdays: This “Stan” background singer was born on Christmas Day, 1971. 9) Snow: The North American record for record snow depth was measured in this contiguous state. 10) Holiday Music: What wintry song thing is given life via silk hat?
Tucker’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Germany 2) 13 3) 1965 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) The Rose Bowl 6) Elmo 7) Cigarettes 8) I don’t know. 9) New York 10) Frosty the Snowman
1) Dutch 2) 9 3) 1969 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) The Rose Bowl 6) Furby 7) Cigarettes 8) Dido 9) California 10) Frosty the Snowman
Ah, finals. While the Bible never describes what Hell is like, it’s safe to assume it’s a lot like sitting in Walter Library for two hours listening to the sniffing of snot and the voices inside your head telling you to drop out and peddle heroin. In order to block out these demons, studying is crucial. But, since no one likes studying, we often look towards the sweet release of alcohol to numb our pain. And while it’s socially “frowned upon” to drink right out of the Svedka bottle while looking over your economics notes, we never really thought being socially acceptable was that much fun anyway. What You’ll Need: Beer, booze. Number of Players: It’s only you, baby. Level of Intoxication: HEY GUYS, ISN’T MATH FUN? Pre-Gameing: While packing up your items to head to Walter Library… Take a drink if: A roommate asks you to do literally anything but study. And then proceed to do exactly what they suggested, even if it includes streaking through Northrop in the frigid Minnesota weather. Watching Family Guy is basically doing sociology right? Take two drinks if: You begin to start looking on the Christian Mingle website to avoid going to the library. Proceed to take another sip in honor of
Tucker’s Score: 4 out of 10 the people who actually use Christian Mingle seriously. God Bless. Take a shot mixed with cough syrup if: You start to think that watching women’s hockey would be more fun than studying. Take a Snapchat of you taking a shot if: You say or think the words “Kim Kardashian doesn’t have to study, why should I?” Take another shot if you realize that you have neither big boobs, a nice butt, nor stunning looks so yes, you do have to work to be successful in life. Take two shots if: You consider going to the swanky new Rec Center and dropping the nearest weight on your face. Once you’re at the library (Not to be confused with the bar, The Library): By now you should have a nice buzz going, finally it’s time to head on over to Walter to sit down and get to work on that paper that was assigned a moon cycle ago. Pencil in one hand, flask in the other, let’s get to it. Take a drink with your non-dominant hand for: The first group of unruly foreign exchange students you see. Take two drinks when: You see an attractive girl take a selfie with glasses she doesn’t have to wear. Take five drinks when: You try to figure out how poorly you can do on the
test without failing the class. Take a big swig under the table if: You hear a freshman girl talk about how she is technically a sophomore which is directly correlated to her tragic addiction to mixing Adderall with acne cream. Take a long pull within 10 feet of a security guard when: You begin to have sexual fantasies about your TA. Or any sexual fantasies involving Goldy. Or really, any fantasy. Chug if: You begin to map out the concepts of life and space as you realize that our lives are nothing but a swirling existence in the grand scheme of the universe. Drink until someone makes a face if: You fart. Taco Bell was a poor choice. Take a shot for: Every shitty Gopher metaphor or pun you see when looking around the library instead of looking at your notes. (i.e., go-pher it) Take a shot when: You realize you’re doing worse in your classes than the Gopher offense did against Wisconsin. Take a shot when: You see a Carlson prick dressed like he’s going to a cocktail party for a political fundraiser. Take two shots when: You remember that you’re in CLA and that this whole studying thing really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Finish your drink when: You put the homework away and say “I’ll finish this tomorrow night.”
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
Hanukkah Seek and Find
guess the movie santa!
each box features a different santa claus from various holiday movies. do you know which movie each santa comes from?
FINALS BINGO!
let us guess... you’re sitting in the library and can’t focus, right? well don’t scroll through facebook for the 10th time, play our library bingo! stay where you are, or take a loop around your floor, and see how many of these things you can find.
download our free iphone and android app
madlib
a sorry excuse
Dear Professor __(1)__ I write to you to deeply apologize for missing the __(2)__ final today, and ask that I have a second chance at taking it. You see, last night I was in Dinkytown with a few friends, and we were __(3)__. We were having a(n) __(4)__ time, and didn’t realize that it was already __(5)__. When __(6)__ closed, we went back to __(7)__ and quickly fell asleep after stuffing our mouths full of __(8)__.
bucks! But no matter what I did, the __(13)__ Light Rail construction got in my way again, and made me late. The construction workers decided right at that moment to __(14)__, which kept me from crossing the street. They __(15)__ laughed at me as I begged them to let me cross the street to get to my incredibly important final. Even worse, I got stuck behind a tour group of __(16)__ in front of Jones! No one would let me pass, even though I was clearly not a part of their __(17)__ group.
When I woke up, I was already __(9)__ minutes When I finally got to __(18)__, class had already late for the exam! I jumped out of bed wearing last gotten out, and you looked __(19)__ so I didn’t night’s __(10)__ and raced down the stairs. want to bother you. Hopefully this email will reach you soon. I didn’t even allow myself to stop talk to Gandalf next to Coffman as I __(11)__ to class, and I didn’t Sincerely Yours, even stop for my __(12)__ at the Coffman Star- Terrible __(20)__
1) Name 2) Class name 3) Verb ending in -ing 4) Adjective 5) Time 6) Place in Dinkytown 7) Dorm on campus 8) Late-night food item 9) Number 10) Piece of clothing 11) Verb 12) Caffeinated drink 13) Adjective 14) Verb 15) Adverb 16) Noun 17) Adjective 18) UMN building 19) Adverb 20) Noun
THE
700
O N WA S H I N G TO N Leasing Office Location: 720 Washington Ave SE, Minneapolis, MN Like us on Facebook for Leasing Specials! (866) 629-8022 • 700washington.com • #700onWashington
NOW LEASING
SEPTEMBER 2014
Welcoming Back Sally’s on the 1st Floor!
TCF Stadium and Campus Views! Watch the Gophers and MN Vikings play out of your living room, floor-to-ceiling windows!
A P P LY O N L I N E F O R FA L L 2 0 14
EAST & WEST BANK
STUDENT HOUSING SAVE UP TO $200 WITH REDUCED FEES UNIVERSITY COMMONS EAST BANK
GRANDMARC SEVEN CORNERS WEST BANK
great locations to campus + private bedrooms & bathrooms available + individual leases fully furnished apartments available + fitness centers + game rooms + free tanning
GOPHERSTUDENTHOUSING.COM See office for details. Limited time only. Rates and fees subject to change.