MINNY SPRING ISSUE 14 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Volume 8

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 14

MINNESOTA STUDENT GOVERNMENT ANSWERS THE HARD QUESTIONS Big Biscuit wrote this

Student Body President Joelle Stangler and Student Outreach & Engagement Director Abeer Syedah have just conquered the University of Minnesota Student Government, and have big plans for the upcoming school year. Big Biscuit is asking the dual-vagina team of dictators the hard questions that other newspapers are afraid to ask. TBS: Are there any plans to expand the PAWS for Pets animal options? Abeer: I really want sloths. The second it stops being animal abuse, we will absolutely go forward-Joelle: Or maybe WE’LL be the reason it stops being animal abuse. A: We’ll draft a law first, so we can ensure sloths are protected when they come in here and trained PAWS animals and then we’ll bring them in! J: But you know they have claws instead of paws so maybe we’ll have to rename it CLAWS… TBS: What is your plan to gender-neutralize Goldy? J: We’re gonna have to get rid of the statue. I think Goldy is clearly a guy in it. A: But first we would have to get in touch with the right people here at the university to help interpret gender neutrality so it’s appropriate. J: I think we have to have Goldy go to women’s sports first… TBS: Ah, shots fired! TBS: Do you plan to put forth legislation to reduce the line at Starbucks? J: No, instead we’re just gonna have a sit-in to get Starbucks out and a local option in. A: Actually, we did pass a law in 2007 that made all the coffee here fair trade. TBS: That’s nice and all, but how is that gonna reduce the line? Do you think your average UMN student is gonna care if it’s fair trade or not? A: I think considering the amount of white liberals at this university, definitely. TBS: How do you plan to stop Wisconsin immigrants crossing our borders and ruining this great state? J: Kill Scott Walker? That’s why they’re all leaving! A: If we can just bring in Wisconsinites and show them the way of Minnesota then it wouldn’t be such a big deal. It’s just that they hold onto their Wisconsin pride — J: So you’re not gonna protect our borders? A: No! I just believe in letting people in because f*** citizenry, but make them assimilate. TBS: How many Oreos can each of you fit in your individual mouths? A: 10? I’ve done this. J: Probably not very many. I have a really small mouth, and my teeth

are fake, so it reduces the size of my mouth. I’m gonna go with a nice, round 2. Chewed or unchewed? TBS: Just two full Oreos. Not Double Stuf. J: Yep, still just 2. TBS: If you could have a musical based on your presidency, what would it be titled? J: “Dammit Comma White People.” I answered it for you, Abeer. Now you answer it for me. TBS: I like “Dammit Comma White People” better than “Dear White People” cuz it has more bite. “Dear White People” is like how white people pretentiously talk to other white people. A: Joelle’s musical would be “I’m Sorry.” Anytime Joelle rants about anything, she starts off saying “I’m sorry, I’m the person here whoblabityblabity blah” and she talks about her accomplishments and why she’s right. TBS: So the final answer is “I’m Sorry” with a very sarcastic tone? A: Yeah. TBS: What are your plans to fund the arts if your musical is produced? J: They need to start bringing in revenue-producing things that all students wanna go to, because then you USE ALL THEIR MONEY to fund all the other cool stuff we wanna do. A: First you bulldozer Rarig— TBS: And put something there that’s just as nice as Carlson, or at least

¼ as nice as Carlson? A: Or at least looks somewhat appealing like Ted Mann so people actually wanna go inside. TBS: Can either of you see Russia from your house? J: Can I see the restaurants? I can see all the restaurants; I live in the Chateau. A: She said Russia. J: Oh my God I thought she said the restaurants… TBS: What are your plans to ensure it’ll never snow again? J: We wanna put the entire campus under a heated bubble. A: Like a snow globe, but without the snow, like a sun globe. No more tunnels, those are dumb. TBS: So, are you planning on allowing your average UMN student usage of the MSA golf carts, or are those still going to be reserved for government elites, such as yourself, only? J: It’s only for elite officials. A: The plan is for elites to become so f***ing ridiculous and create the Joelle Stangler law, which is to ban the use of all golf carts on the university. J: Except for me. A: Yes, except for Joelle. Not even me.

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PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

BALDACLAVA Any item of clothing worn by a college male in an attempt to hide early signs of baldness.

DAISY DARRETT

“Dylan wore his favorite Cubs hate with his suit to the frat formal because he needed a baldaclava to hide his embarrassing receding hair line.

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BREAKING NEWS: BAILEY HALL SINKS INTO THE EARTH—NO ONE NOTICES Olivia Scott wrote this THE RESIDENCE HALL FORMERLY KNOWN AS “BAILEY HALL”, ST. PAUL — Last week, an email was sent out to the entire University of Minnesota community, announcing that Bailey Hall randomly sunk into the earth. According to the email, officials are unsure of how long the time was between when the building’s sinking and when its absence was noticed. However, current investigations into the disappearance estimate that the building had been submerged in a giant sinkhole for at least 2 weeks. Luckily, no students or farm animals were in the building at the time of its disappearance. The individual who first noticed the absence of Bailey Hall was Lancaster Lorca, an undecided freshman in CLA who alerted campus police of the vanishing residence hall. According to the official police report titled “We Have A Sinking Feeling About This,” Lorca stumbled upon the Saint Paul campus last Friday night after falling asleep on the Campus Connector. “I’m gonna be honest here, I wasn’t even sure that there was a campus in Saint Paul,” said Lorca. “I was just trying to get from my class on West Bank to SuperBlock, but I fell asleep and was suddenly transported into a mysterious barren wasteland. The Saint Paul campus was so gloomy that I thought I pulled a reverse Wizard of Oz and landed in Kansas!” Allegedly, Lorca stumbled off the Connector, groggy and confused, when he noticed the corner of a sign poking out of the mud. After uncovering the sign and realizing that it said “Bailey Hall,” he knew something wasn’t right.

As Lorca attempted to find information about the disappearance of Bailey Hall, he discovered that everyone either had no idea that Bailey Hall was gone or didn’t care. “Everything in St. Paul looks abandoned and forsaken,” said a Campus Connector driver. “I may have noticed that the residence hall sunk, but I didn’t think that was any different than how it was supposed to be.” “Actually, I did see the building sink into the ground,” said Patricia, a cow who lives in St. Paul. “I can’t tell you when it was, though, because all my days are so boring and hopeless that they melt into each other like butter from my teats. Honestly, I was happy when I saw that building sink into the earth. It gave me hope that the handful of annoying humans would leave St. Paul farm country and stop letting greasy freshmen look at us for ‘science’.” After two days of walking and fanaticizing about becoming the king of the St. Paul animals, Lorca found another human being on Sunday morning, and news finally reached civilized society. Officials investigating the disappearance of Bailey Hall concluded that the building did likely sink that weekend. “It totally makes sense that the building could disappear unnoticed on the weekends. Technically, I live in Bailey Hall but I hardly spend any time there,” said Terri Terryl, a sophomore studying fashion merchandising. “Honestly, I would rather be caught wearing a fringed cowboy jacket, a sequincovered body suit, and Crocs with an 80’s perm than

be seen spending my weekend nights in Saint Paul.” In response to the complete obliviousness in regard to the loss of a residence hall, the University of Minnesota Police Department has started #ByeBailey on Twitter to encourage students to remember that there are more residence halls besides SuperBlock and 17th. Some featured tweets that have used the hashtag include: “Is Bailey hall the one that looked like a barn? #ByeBailey”

“#ByeBailey? Bailey’s in my liquor cabinet! AM I RITEEEE? Hehehehe” “I think Saint Paul campus lost a pig! His name was Bailey! RIP! #ByeBailey” “I don’t care about Saint Paul campus. LOWER OUR TUITION GODDAMMIT! #ByeBailey” No plans have been made to rebuild Bailey Hall or even create a memorial plaque to commemorate its existence. Just like the rest of the Saint Paul campus, Bailey Hall will be easily forgotten. Unless Lorca decides to build an empire of cattle.

TEARS TIME!

Q&A WITH A MINNESOTA CRY BABY Laura Hafes wrote this

THE TOP TEN

Mistakes We Made Freshman Year Freshman year is the first time we’re away from our parents for any significant length of time, allowing us to spread our wings and fly off into the sunset. But, like Icarus, each year thousands of freshmen fly just a little too close to the sun and end their journeys in a fiery inferno as they spiral back to their parents’ homes. In the hope that something good would come from our mistakes, The Black Sheep compiled this list. 10.) Playing Drinking Games That Become Orgies: Copious amounts of cheap alcohol, raging hormones, and the lack of parental supervision is a lethal combination. Whether it’s “never have I ever,” strip Twister, or drunk Jenga, these games may seem like fun at first, but the chance of seeing that weirdo from down the hall in their underwear isn’t worth the risk.

Sometimes there are questions that Google and Wikipedia just can’t answer, and for those times, there’s The Black Sheep. Your loud outcries and your trivial questions have been answered, thanks to our Q&A guru who goes by the name “Tell-Me-Your-Shit” (all hyphenated), you can now get back to whatever it is you do at college. What’s the best way to tell your mom you’ve become a stripper? -Casey, senior, College Of Liberal Arts The only upside to telling your mom is that it’ll sound better coming from you, rather than your cousin that saw you there and insisted he only went to the strip club to “ask for directions.” Modern day comedian/ preacher Chris Rock says that a parent of a daughter has only one job in life, and that’s to keep her “off the pole.” If you must go down this road, consider rephrasing the word “stripper,” rather, say you are pursuing a career in the entertainment industry (which your degree has clearly prepared you for). My boyfriend and I have a good relationship but there are times when he wears his mascot head to bed. I’m a big Gopher fan, but I don’t want to see him in the bedroom. What should I do? -Anon, Goldy Mascot Girlfriend, UMN Every relationship has its problems, but this doesn’t seem healthy. From a psychological perspective, wearing the outfit gives him confidence, or he’s into some kinky shit, or both; but this shouldn’t affect your sex life. Have you considered hiding the head somewhere in your apartment? On the other hand, relationships are all about compromise. Maybe you could surprise him and wear the head to bed once. He might realize loving Goldy is one thing, but making love to a gopher is another. My Sims girlfriend has been ignoring me. I ring her, ask her over to my house, and she says she’s coming but she never turns up. Is there a way to fix this bug? I just bought some new furniture, and I don’t want my double bed to go to waste. -Kevin, freshman, The College of Science and Engineering There is a good chance your girlfriend has left you for another, more qualified Sims player. Try using the cheat, “resetSim Girlfriend Name” to gain your online sweetheart back. If this doesn’t work, consider sending her computer a virus. She will regret the day she messed with a CSE computer stud. I spend every Wednesday at Boynton attending PAWS (Pet Away Worry & Stress). Some days, I like animals better than people. Is this normal? -Jacob, junior, The College of Science and Engineering This is perfectly normal. People suck, but animals will never judge your appearance, music tastes or frequent midnight runs to Taco Bell. However, you need to invest in having a good, humble set of friends around you. Have you considered joining a fraternity? For $1000 a semester you can pay to have friends who will associate themselves with you. Don’t feel discouraged by this concept; paying for friends is just another added cost to your student loans that you’ll eventually pay off…eventually. If we haven’t answered some of your questions, please feel free to keep them to yourself or invest in a diary. There are starving kids in Africa, people living below the poverty line, and a whole bunch of other people with slightly bigger problems than yours. Espresso Royale giving you half-and-half, instead of soy is NOT a problem worth writing about.

9.) Overinvesting in Your Gopher Gold Account: You really only need Gopher Gold for printing, but that doesn’t stop relentless encouragement for freshmen to load their cards throughout orientation and Welcome Week. 8.) Hotboxing Your Dorm Room: Independence makes you think you can do anything. Unfortunately, laws still exist, and smoking pot in your dorm room doesn’t fly unless you live in T Hall. As tempting as it may seem to spark a fat blunt in the comfort of your own room, you’ll earn yourself a mandatory sentence of D.A.R.E.-themed community service. 7.) Paying for an Unlimited Meal Plan: Although the key to a healthy life is three balanced meals a day, you’re never actually going to be awake for breakfast. And even if you’re sober enough to make it to Friday or Saturday night dinners, the grotesque U Dining offerings will send you kicking and screaming for the nearest Chipotle. 6.) Floorcest: DO NOT HOOK UP WITH PEOPLE ON YOUR FLOOR. We go to one of the largest universities in the country. There are plenty of potential sexual partners that you will not have to see every day. All you have to do is leave. Your. Dorm. It’s that simple. 5.) Living in Middlebrook: The constant evacuations, distance from every fun thing on campus (except for Hard Times!), and the combination of pretentious arts students and Carlson d-bags is enough to turn even the most determined honors students into drug addicts by the end of fall semester. 4.) Walking in the Bike Lanes: Bikers are terrifying, speedy, creatures dressed entirely in spandex that will run you down as soon as you enter “their” territory. Stay out of the bike lanes if you want to live to see sophomore year. 3.) Not Figuring out the Gopher Way Before it’s -20: Minnesotans have an extremely bad memory when it comes to how horrible our weather is. Figure out how to take the Gopher Way before you show up to your econ midterm with frostbitten hands, unable to hold your #2 pencil. 2.) St. Paul: Whether you had class there, were unlucky enough to live in Bailey, or got stuck there after a rager at Farmhouse, we have all made a St. Paul campus-related mistake during our freshman year. Just stay away from that land to the East and you’ll be fine. 1.) Not Reading The Black Sheep: Everybody thinks that guy reading The Daily is super informed and impressive, but no one actually wants to chill with him. We would much rather befriend that mysteriously sexy, albeit a bit grungy, guy in the corner trying to hide his allure behind a copy of The Black Sheep. Tom Wyatt-Yerka wrote this

THE MADLIB CRAPPY SUMMER JOB SILVER LINING

ON THE STREETS WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A BOX OF 5,000 SPIDERS? ASHA KEANE

“Kill them...Kill them all.”

Oh, sure __(1)__, you’re interning at __(2)__ this summer, but I’m sure you’re really just going to spend all day getting coffee for higher-ups, you’re not going to learn anything, really.

LUCY DURKIN

“Start a small but dangerous army.”

And sure, maybe I’m just working as a __(3)__ back in __(4)__, but that’s where the real experience is at, man. It’ll be me and __(5)__ of my peers out there learning important business skills like time management, delegation and uh…__(6)__. Where’s the freedom in wearing a __(7)__ every day? We’re young! We’re free! I don’t even have to wear __(8)__, because it’s going to be like…__(9)__ goddamn degrees every day. No __(10)__, and they pay me for it! I know not everything will be great. Getting up at __(11)__ a.m. stinks, but hey, I’ll be off at __(12)__ p.m., which means there will be plenty of time to __(13)__ a __(14)__ of __(15)__ every day, and I’ll be in bed before __(16)__ p.m. Bet you can’t say that, what with your board meetings and late-night __(17)__ sessions! So, yeah, you may think that you’re going to come back to __(18)__ smarter and more educated than when you left, but joke’s on you, man, you’re just working your way to being another cog in the machine. Corporations, man!

CLUE BANK

1: Friend’s name 2: Company 3:Menial job 4: Your hometown 5: Number 6: Useless skill 7: Item of business clothing 8: Item of non-business clothing 9: Temperature

10: Same as 8 11: Time 12: Later time 13: Verb 14: Quantity of (15) 15: Activity 16: Time 17: Business jargon 18: Your school

BERNARDA ALVAREZ

“Probably set fire to it. Spiders are not cute.”

THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

FLIPPING THROUGH A LADY MAG On my way to ___1___, sporting my ___2___ bag and sipping a ___3___ double-whipped, non-fat ___4___ latte or something, I decided to pick up one of those lady’s magazines that is suppose to give me everything I need to know in life. ___5___ is on the cover and who doesn’t just adore her? Her ___6___ is perfect and, personally, I don’t think she has a ___7___ problem, but if she does, who cares? YOLO, right? Is that still a thing? Rght away I flipped to the essay about ___8___ because it’s crazy how crazy they used to be! They told this story of when they were on a first date and their date totally ___9___! Can you even imagine? They were like, starring into each other’s eyes in between some endless ___10___and a pitcher of ___11___ and then, right there, just out of nowhere… boom. I couldn’t even. Then I checked out their beauty section which had a list of ___12___ face masks. Who knew that rubbing that all over my ___13___ would make it firmer? There was also a guide to choosing the right color of ___14___ for your skin tone. They said ___15___ would be perfect for my ___16___? Hey, if it’s popular in ___17___ then it’s got to be good enough for me. Thankfully for me, their culture section blended together my two favorite things, food and sex! They had this tip saying that you should use ___18___ on your guys you-know-what to really turn him on. Then there was something about the ___19___ ___20___-___21___ position and I was like, whoa. Maybe I’ll just stick with my ___22___ and vibrator to have a successful night. I finished off the magazine by casually flipping through all the high-fashion stuff. Like I can really afford any of that with my job at ___23___ and the fact that I’m too hungover to ever go in. Maybe I should start paying attention in ___24___, anyway.

WORD BANK 1) Academic building 2) Brand everyone owns 3) Size 4) Italian word 5) Has-been celebrity 6) Body part 7) Drug 8) Celebrity who used to be insane but isn’t any longer 9) Gross bodily function 10) Appetizer 11) Fruity alcoholic drink

12) Unusual vegetable 13) Body part 14) Type of makeup 15) Obscure color 16) Facial feature 17) Middle eastern country 18) Creamed soup 19) Direction 20) European country 21) Body part 22) Type of chip 23) Chain restaurant 24) Class

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Thursday 4/30

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Friday 5/01

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$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Monday 5/04

8PM - Close: $3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double Wells $5 Bud Light Pitchers

Tuesday 5/05

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Thursday 4/23

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Friday 4/24

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

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Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $8 Fishbowls $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, 1/2 Price Wine Bottles, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

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Sunday 4/26

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Monday 4/27

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Tuesday 4/28

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18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

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Wednesday 4/29

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TENSIONS RISE BETWEEN BIKERS AND PEDESTRIANS Aron Wolde wrote this

Last week bike season unofficially started, and with it came the hellish landscape of biker-pedestrian relations at the U. While most students enjoy a nice ride along campus, these people take the hobby to an annoying extreme. With their constant reminders that they’re on your right, or their stupid bells that they love so much, bikers make global warming seem like a better alternative. Or at least, that’s what protesters like Andrew Styles believe. Andrew is the head of the University of Minnesota Pedestrians Against Bikers Association (UMPAB), a group specifically designed to address the scourge of two-wheeled bastards at the University of Minnesota. Andrew has provided The Black Sheep with shocking evidence as to why the UMPAB believe biking is the worst thing to ever happen to the U. “Biker/pedestrian accidents are almost always initiated by bikers,” Styles told us. “Biking increases street congestion by 10%. Not to mention, Hitler was known to ride bikes! What more proof do you need?” he exclaimed loudly. While the facts are compelling, many bikers are quick to point out that they have limited space on roads and streets. When faced with a street full of cars or a sidewalk full of people, the safer choice is to do whatever it takes to

not get slammed by a car. When we brought this to Styles, he simply shrugged. “Fuck ‘em. I would rather see one of those Neanderthals wipe out; it’s called the sideWALK. That’s our territory. Respect that!” Animosity like this may seem extreme, but it’s commonplace this time of year. Students may remember the incident when a group of pedestrians applauded after a biker was hit by a bus on University in 2010 or the time a pack of bikers banded together and did a drive-by, throwing tubs of maroon and gold paint on a group of joggers. “You know, we get a lot of hate, but this has escalated to a dangerous extreme. I might start wearing two helmets,” said avid biking student Thad Haynes. “We’re trying to get a bit of exercise, see the world, and save the planet by biking instead of driving. People keep forgetting that the Earth needs bikers, and more importantly, so does the U.” With this in mind, The Black Sheep then asked Styles about the green aspect of biking. “I can appreciate trying to save the planet. April is ‘Earth Month’ after all, but I would rather every polar bear in the world drown in a tub of oil than see one more pedal jockey on my sidewalk. And that is why we must continue attack-

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ing those dicks!” When we asked Haynes about the attacks he simply rolled his eyes. “Listen, although things are tense right now, we don’t actually hate pedestrians. Sure we fight sometimes, but more often than not, we try to get along with them. We even have little nicknames for them. Sometimes we call them ‘street walkers,’‘super pedestrians,’ or ‘super pedos’ for short. I don’t understand why these super pedos hate us so much.” Haynes then jumped on his bike and rode away, forcing a woman into a pile of mud in the process.

Now more than ever, pedestrian-biker relations need to be resolved. Last week, hundreds of tires were burned by a group of passionate pedestrians in front of Coffman Memorial Union. In retaliation, some biker activists held an anti-street-walkers rally (confusing many local pimps). Some students are worried that they may be caught in the crossfire of this disagreement. Neither mode of transportation is really safe anymore. With so much being said, for now the groups can only agree on one thing about how to get around campus: the only truly wrong way is the Segway.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E T OF 1 R U SCO 6 4O

AMANDA BOETTCHER A PILOT, OF AIRPLANES!

1. Currency: The baht is the currency of what country?

6. Anthems: What country’s anthem is “God Save the Queen”?

2. Religion: What branch of Christianity was formed in Augusta, Georgia in 1845 in response to the issue of slavery?

7. Literature: What Russian-born author famously penned the works The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged?

3. Fashion: Kendall Jenner recently became the face of what fashion house?

8. Games: What board game features a character known as “Cavity Sam”?

4. Food: What berry is notorious for giving gin its flavor?

9. War: What war saw Military Dictator Francisco Franco rise to power?

5. Video Games: What critically-acclaimed video game takes place in the underwater city of Rapture?

10. Math: What does 90/6*(4+12) equal?

Amanda’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. India 2. Southern Baptist2 3. Calvin Klein 4. No Idea 5. Halo 6. England7. No idea 8. Operation 9. Spanish Civil War 10. 240

1. Thailand 2. Southern Baptist 3. Calvin Klein 4. Juniper 5. BioShock 6. England 7. Ayn Rand 8. Operation 9. Spanish Civil War 10. 240

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

PEOPLE WATCHING

LAYERED LASAGNA

As summer approaches, outdoors across campus become the hot spot for students hang out between classes. You’re finally able to see the thousands of students who go here. So grab your biggest flask and find a comfy spot under a tree or on a bench to view our diverse student body.

If you’re looking for something easy and delicious to make this week at school, look no further. This is the perfect recipe with more cheese than you could ever imagine. You know what they say about having too much cheese: Fuck you. No one’s ever said that. Layer on more goddamn cheese, loser.

What You’ll Need: A handle and a passing period. Number of Players: 2+, you and any friends playing hooky. Level of Intoxication: There are no promises that you’ll make it to the rest of your classes. Not that you care much at this point.

What You’ll Need: Lasagna pasta, marinara sauce, gouda, mozzarella, and ricotta cheeses. (Great Value Fiesta cheese if you’re on that Walmart grind.)

How To Play: Take 1 Drink… - Every time you see a dog. - Every time someone offers you a copy of The Black Sheep. - For every Christian cross necklace you receive. Drink twice for converting. - For every poorly-tied hammock in the trees. - For every person you see attempting to slackline. Take another when they fall off. If they make it across, then holy shit, finish that drink. - If there are any out-of-place jugglers. Take sympathy sips for the fact they’re not getting laid. - For every student organization trying to sell you something.

Let’s Get Baked: - Fill a pot with water and bring it to a boil on the stovetop. Put on a stovetop hat for consistency. - Once the water is boiling, throw the pasta in to cook for about 8 minutes, until it’s tender. - Drain the pasta and grab a pan to layer the lasagna in. - Start layering the pasta on the bottom of the pan. On top of the noodles throw sauce and plenty of cheese on it. This is the “layered” part of the layered lasagna. - Repeat with another layer of pasta, sauce, and cheese until pan is full. Be generous with the cheese, it’s the best part. - Slide that pan in like you’re sliding into your bae’s DMs and put it at 350°F for 15 minutes. - Pull it out and enjoy.

Finish your drink… - If you see somebody passed out and getting sunburned. That idle MacBook Air’s going to leave one hell of a tan line. The Game Ends When: You pass out in a hammock, as designed.

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Fatty Factor: Your body will consist of so much cheese, you’ll call yourself Cheesus Christ or Garfield the Cat.

Make a “pull it out and enjoy” joke if your sickly perverted mind really must.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

A BLACK SHEEP SPECIAL REPORT

PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS

Important April Update: Presidential Candidates and Campaign Strategies With the presidential election over a year away, heavy campaigning is far from underway, but early signs of the road to the presidency are starting to show. Here are six nominees and a little bit of background on them and their campaigns.

Elizabeth Warren, D., sen. Mass.

Hillary Clinton, D., former sen. and sec. of state

One of the first candidates to announce and commonly believed to be the inevitable Democratic nominee, Clinton is building a very strong campaign, to what many believe may lead to the first female president. “There is still a lot of adversity facing women in America today,” said Clinton in a press conference on Thursday. “I hope that, by being a strong female leader, I can help the women in the country today in the fight for equality.” “But really,” she continued, “I was kind of hoping for more sexist comments. Like obviously I appreciate people being respectful, but like, I was looking to really easily shut down all the sexist congressmen who would have inevitably spoken up twenty years ago.” The effect of such a limited response to Clinton’s announcement is yet undetermined. “I’m not sure if Hillary will have enough male tears to sustain herself if this continues at this rate,” said campaign manager Brian Gabbert. “All throughout her time as a senator, there was a heavy patriarchy in the air. It kept her going. And currently, our Patriarch-O-Meter is reading at all-time lows.” “However, the inevitable debates on birth control and abortion should bring us to normal levels,” continued Gabbert. “You can always depend on some representative from Kentucky or Arkansas saying something about how female bodies can shut things down, or how virgins don’t need birth control, or something of considerable ignorance to get her going again.”

At lunch in Meckelnberg Middle School in Washington D.C., Liberal America was sitting at lunch, eating his sandwich, when he looked up. For the third time that day, he made eye contact with Elizabeth Warren, the cutest girl in the whole seventh grade. “Hey, Moderate America, I have a question,” said Liberal America to his friend sitting next to him. “What’s up, Liberal America,” he replied. “Do you think I should ask Elizabeth to run for president of the United States?” he asked. “Dude, there’s no way she’d say yes. She’s like the most popular girl in the school. What makes you think she even knows who you are?” “I don’t know.” “Do you like her?” “I don’t know. I guess. I just like how she’s really cool, and doesn’t really care what people think about her. I also like her no-nonsense indictment of the income gap both as a result of the subsidy of large corporations with little support for the minimum wage as well as the little done to combat the gender pay gap with proactive social change. Or whatever, like she’s kind of cute but I don’t really care.”

“I mean like you might as well try it,” said Moderate America. That day in gym class, Liberal America went up to Elizabeth. “Hey, um, Elizabeth. Um, I was just wondering if… like I don’t know maybe if… maybe you’d like to like maybe run for the presidency while representing my values?” “Like, the presidency of the United States?” she replied. “I mean, I guess,” he responded. “Um I’m going to the mall today with some friends so I’m busy.” “So… you don’t want to run for president?” “No, I’m sort of in this thing with the United States congress right now, it’s complicated.” “Oh okay… I’ll see you later then.”

A big issue for the governor of New Jersey is what he’ll do about his current job in his home state, a state that he loves that currently loves him back with a thirty-eight percent approval rating. Yet another issue is his weight; like race and gender, this seemingly ridiculously unimportant aspect of his appearance has actually become an issue of contention among voters. However, he may have found a solution for both of these issues, as he revealed at that same press conference that his recent effort to lose weight is actually a method to collect his body fat to create a second Chris Christie. The New Jersey governor says he first conceived of the idea during his hectic coverage of Hurricane Sandy. “It seemed I had to always be two places at once. This seemed like a logical solution,” Christie said at the press conference. “I can be president in Washington, and I my carbon copy can be governor in Trenton, where I’ve been phoning it in for the past two years anyway.” Christie speculates that his copy will be ready for full animation by election season. The new Christie is said to be a total genetic clone, similar to MiniMe and Dr. Evil in the popular Austin Powers movies, although Christie’s clone will also be morbidly obese. Already, the new Christie is gaining some consciousness, learning basic motor skills and linguistics. At the end of the press conference, the mass of body fat, hair clippings, semen, and fecal matter was wheeled out onto the stage to answer questions.

“Yeah. I mean, like, maybe… if it doesn’t work out with congress, like I don’t know….”

“Chris Christie grow stronger every day. Chris Christie feed,” sputtered the semi-liquid shapeless mass of human waste, spewing a putrid mush out its mouth-hole with every syllable.

“Like, maybe you’d….”

“Other Chris Christie go be president, me Chris Christie be New Jersey Governor. Chris Christies take over the world,” said the semi-human pulp in a spectacle one observer called “James Gandolfini being reincarnated as Jabba the Hutt.”

“Yeah, maybe.” “Okay yeah. Maybe.” “Maybe.” “Maybe?” “Maybe.”

Rand Paul, R., sen. Ken.

Chris Christie, R., gov. NJ

Ted Cruz, R., sen. Tex.

“Chris Christie need love. Chris Christie horny. Hnnngggghhhh…” the evergrowing monster of science gone too far moaned as it was wheeled off the stage by a hunch-backed intern. Christie, the human, is expected to have an aggressive campaign should he run in 2016, citing his party endorsements, his impressive record as governor, and an extensive use of a plastic sweat-collection suit that he wears while climbing up a StairMaster, with the end feeding into his waste-blob’s mouth, as it maniacally cackles.

Joe Biden, D., VP Rand Paul, son of famous presidential candidate Ron Paul, is also expected to be a major player in the election after announcing his candidacy in early April. “Presidential candidacy runs in the family,” he said. “Actually getting elected doesn’t. We’re like the Kennedys, but much less successful.” Paul also got into some controversy after he shushed a female reporter in February and then talked over another female reporter conducting an interview with him two weeks ago. “I feel great about my campaign. My greatest weakness isn’t my platform, or my likeability, but rather my tendency to completely disregard women. Now my greatest worry is making an ass of myself at a debate when responding to a female candidate.” Paul is very excited to bring the libertarian position to the election. The movement has gained popularity in recent years, and Paul is the first major candidate who identifies as libertarian. “I hope to bring my political views to the debate,” he said when announcing his candidacy, “and then totally distancing myself from those views to appeal to Republican voters so I can get nominated.”

Ted Cruz is a senator known for his aggressive actions in congress; his campaign is focusing on highlighting those accomplishments. “As a congressman, my fellow Republicans and I shut down the government! We filibustered every bill! And we blocked every nomination!” he said at a fundraiser last week. “When I am elected president I will continue to not run the country the way the founding fathers didn’t intend. I plan to not get things accomplished. Do we need change in this country? Absolutely. Will I do my best to not accomplish it? You have my word.” Cruz has been secretive about some of the details of his campaign. “We’re looking to run an aggressive season to get elected to not put in work for this country,” he said. “Currently we don’t have a campaign slogan which isn’t ‘Stop Other People from Passing Bills,’ and we are not looking to not spread it around not the social media where many of our young voters aren’t. Thank you; I’m not not taking any more questions.”

“Hey Joe, have you decided what you’re going to do about that whole presidential candidacy thing?” said Bill Clinton while grabbing another slice of pizza. “Oh shit, I totally forgot about that!” responded Uncle Joe while packing another bowl. “I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t really care that much anymore.” “Dude, honestly? Kind of overrated,” said Bill while being handed the bong he bought when they went to Myrtle Beach back in ’95. “Are you seriously high again?” yelled Hillary as she marched into the van Buren lounge. “We have to be at a fundraiser in two hours.” “Dude see what I mean?” added Bill while getting up. “Pound it,” he added.

spot the difference

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