The Black Sheep
fr Ga ee... me lik of e li Th ke ro th ne os sy ee ou pis to ode rr s en of te d.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 14 • 5/2/13 - 5/8/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn
What To Do if Summer Never Comes Gabby VandenAvond wrote this
Let’s just say that mid-April’s lack of springtime weather is not Mother Nature’s idea of a sick joke. Go along the post-apocalyptic doom and gloom of this summer’s blockbuster lineup and pretend for just a moment that the snowy, drizzly, gray condition we’ve dealt with is actually how it’s going to be outdoors for the foreseeable future. Now reflect, fellow Gophers, are you ready to handle this for the rest of your life? Nonexistent studies show that a startling 96.4% of Americans would not know what to do when summer never comes. To avoid becoming another snobbish statistic, we’ve provided you with a survival guide for the eternal winter. No garlic required. Your foremost duty is to play the messenger. It may take some time to digest your dystopian reality, just as it took a while to realize that your prom date wasn’t going to show, or that UDS food is never as good as it was during Welcome Week. However, once you recognize the undeniable signs of unceasing white crap falling from the sky and a never-ending set of goose bumps on your arm, the first step is to post the hell out of it on Facebook. While the Maesters of The Citadel had white ravens to warn the Seven Kingdoms of their indefinite winters, we of the real world have social media. Chances are that your friends live under rocks and have no idea what is going on around them. Make sure they’re prepared. Next, you will now have to think for yourself: sustenance. Make a brave last trek into the cold to stockpile supplies from CVS. Your list should include, but is not limited to: silly string, popsicles, cookie dough, a beach ball, every $5 movie you can find in the bin, and condoms. If you can pick up a kitten on your way home, all the better. You may question the necessity of some items on the list, but trust in the manual. Let’s also not forget the home front. Close all windows and doors. There is nothing to be seen outside and leaving again will only depress you further. Turn up the heat and take off all your clothes. If you are practiced in the art of botany, dump out the dirt from all of your plants and make a dirt castle (let’s be honest, it’s the same thing as the sand-mixed-with-mud-and-dead-fish-castles you would make at Lake Michigan). Congratulations, you have now emulated hibernation.
When hibernating, it’s important to retain semblances of your humanity. An easy way to do this is do what humans do: make margaritas. If you don’t have any mix, mash up some of the popsicles you bought earlier and add some booze. Then, sit on top of your dirt castle and sing along to Jimmy Buffett (don’t panic or anything, he sounds just as cheesy when you’re drunk).
bought will now be put to good use. Summer lovin’, amIright?
Afterward, you should adorn your apartment with twinkle lights and stare at them while lying down with your significant other. Your drunken eyes will think they look like actual stars. Since you are already naked on the floor (see above), the condoms you
Lastly, if or when you decide that you’ve had enough summer fun and are ready for winter again, open your windows and what ho! Your wish has come true. You can finally pull out those mittens and boots… just in time for finals week.
Speaking of summer, the perpetual winter eliminates all chances of outdoor swimming. Be like MacGyver, fill the bathtub with water and float in an inner tube in it. Warning: No lifeguard on duty. Swim at your own risk. No diving.
what'’s inside Top 10 Most Pretentious Sayings on Campus
Roommates: A Consumer's Review
Why Being a Jedi is More Useful Than Your Degree
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page 7
page 10
Ten phrases that make your douche levels go to eleven.
Get the full scoop on next semester's dejected prospects.
Trade in that fresh diploma for a lightsaber before it's too late.
contents page 4: Students Sad to Move out of God-Awful Hell Hole
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 5
find out what makes living in dorms, like, the best experience ever.
page 5: An Open Letter to The Hot Professor Expressing yourself on the eve of finals is a good idea.
page 6: From the Streets
Table of
What study tips do you have for fellow students?
page 11: Are you smarter than? Professor Scheil knows a lot of things, but not what U.S. currency sports Jefferson on its face. Do you?
pages 12-13: The Ultimate Summer Netflix Guide Surprisingly there's more on there than just foreign softcore porn
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Reticents:
The last five dollars in a college student’s bank account, which they are hesitant to spend. “Emilio only had $2.36 in reticents in his bank account, so he put the ramen back on the shelf and left the grocery store hungry.”
Meet The Staff campus manager Luis Guitart
marketing manager Nishad Trivedi
Editorial Manager Liandra Sy
campus director Brendan Bonham
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owner Atish Doshi
Writers McKinley Johnson, Katrina Nicholson Alexandra Adams, Becca Marsnik Tim Krueger, Liandra Sy Gabby Vanden Avond
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Students Sad to Move out of God-Awful Hellhole Alexandra Adams wrote this It’s that time of year once again: birds are chirping, flowers are blooming, and there probably won’t be anymore freak snowfalls. Probably. And as younger students prepare for the terror that is finals, one more thing is on their to-do lists: move out of the dorms. Yes, the younglings are packing up their clothing, shoes, sanity, and masturbatory equipment. It’s pretty rough. Moving out of the overcrowded, overpriced dorms is truly a big step. It takes a lot of preparation, especially mentally. It’s a painstakingly tragic experience to move out of a 12x12 box of misery. “I just really don’t want to leave”, said Sanford Hall resident and freshman Jamie Greene. “I’m going to miss it here.” When asked what specifically she would miss, Jamie had to think about it for a long, long, ungodly long time. “Well, um. I just. I’ll really be depressed without all the ambiance the dorms provide. It’s a special place. I’m just so happy I spent $10,000 to live here. Also, it’s so great how meal plans are mandatory. Especially since the dining hall is always closed at the most important times, has a limited selection, and is generally out of stock of anything good at any given moment. I love that.” Sophomore Earl Tarragon of Bailey Hall was able to give us a much clearer look into his magnificent life in the dorms. “I guess for me, I’ll miss my wonderful roommate. Everything about the dude is just so great: how he steals my food, my alcohol, my last condom, and usually my girlfriend. I also really respect that when he has sex in our room, he is completely unwilling to text me beforehand or put a sock on the door; and I’ve never seen him have sex anywhere except my own bed.” Earl took a moment to wipe away a tear. “Another thing that makes him so wonderful is the delightfully random ways he wakes me up at
The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Most Pretentious Sayings On Campus
10.) “Actually, I don’t have a Facebook…”: To be clear, there is nothing wrong with not having a Facebook. It’s a clusterfuck of Instagrammed meals and status updates from people who peaked in high school, but it’s the way people don’t have a Facebook that makes it pretentious. These culprits want people to know they think they’re better than everyone else. 9.) “Do you have a vegetarian option?”: Come on. We get it. Vegetarians are “healthier” and more “ethically conscious,” but the oil-soaked vegetables at Panda Express aren’t any healthier than the rest of the menu. Let’s also not forget the worse offense: asking the same question at a restaurant with the word “Grill” or “House” at the end of it. 8.) “I prefer [insert beer] in bottles, not on tap…”: Oh, bravo! Everyone loves a beer connoisseur who can distinguish a shitty-tasting Miller Lite in a bottle from a shitty-tasting Miller Lite in any other form. 7.) “Yeah, well, my father…”: Nice. Hot shot’s got a yacht, membership to an exclusive country club, three cabins, been driving a Lexus since high school... That’s pretty sweet, but he never had daddy’s love. Nothing says, “He still doesn’t love you” like being spoiled rotten and constantly dealing with unrelenting pressure to be the next Carlson-graduate CEO.
three in the morning. Not just sometimes, either. He wakes me up every day at 3 a.m. He just has so much stamina. Regardless of my 8 a.m. lecture or giant exam, he’s there the night before with a bullhorn, or blasting Macklmore’s “Thrift Shop,” or jamming on a guitar that he only brought to get laid. It’s pretty admirable too, because he has zero knowledge of playing any instrument.” If one was to take a stroll over to the Superblock, one would discover even more reasons why moving out of the densely populated, poorly ventilated, antiquated dorms is such a depressing experience. “I just loved how deafeningly loud it was every second of every day,” said freshman engineering student Maria Bee. “Trying to study through a mess of jumbled up ‘WOOOOs’ and ‘CHUG CHUG CHUGs’ and ‘Let’s get wasted/lit/plastered/effed up/messed up/McDonald's’ was just a premium experience for me.” She then paused and blew her nose solemnly but noisily. “People my age are just so wonderful and responsible. I’ll truly miss living with 4,000 of them.” Another student from Pioneer noted how simply delightful the room temperature was 100% of the time. “I was either sitting around in my underwear with ice packs on every inch of my skin, or wearing seven Snuggies simultaneously. The whole thing was pretty cool.”
Sophomore CA Amelia Brown had an inside understanding of these little, demonous living spaces. “It’s been so great to spend multiple years around horny, drunk, unruly, eighteen-year-old monsters.” She turns away from the conversation, bawling. After regaining control, she resumes, “I just love the way they require me to wake up at 2 or 4 a.m. It’s also a blast to make futile attempts to try and plan dorm floor activities. No one ever, ever comes, and if for some reason they’re dumb enough to do so, they leave immediately. I’m so glad I even try.” “Living in the dorms isn’t a giant rip-off at all,” said Middlebrook resident and theatre student, Margret Van Hauser. “I love how expensive and tiny my room is. It’s also so much fun to live with strictly Honors students and international students. It’s just been really easy to meet people and make friends over here on the West Bank.” Margret retrieves an expensive-looking sock from under her bed. Once the sock is on her hand, it becomes evident that there is a crudely sewed mouth as well as a set of eyes on said sock. “Hello!” says the sock, “I am Margret’s best friend and we aren’t lonely at all!” It’s easy to see why these young students will miss these awful, cramped conditions. The Black Sheep wishes them luck as some of them return home to once again have a set of parents. Let’s hope to god they remember that dorms and houses are not the same thing.
6.) “Kitty Cat Klub is the only bar I go to in Dinkytown…”: KKC is a great bar (awesome couches, sometimes questionable music), but everyone has, at some point, put drink specials ahead of everything else. You may not hear your favorite Tame Impala track at Blarney, but goddamn! $1.50 Coors on Thursdays? Sick.
5.) “I totally smashed it, bro…”: A simple “Guess who has two thumbs and got laid last night? This guy!” would have sufficed, but the vile imagery of a guy’s sweaty, doughy frame flailing on top of some poor girl is uncalled for, and bragging about it does not earn any real respect. 4.) “Yeah, it’s a pretty good bike, I guess…”: Judging someone’s bike for not being as vintage is one of the “looser butthole” sayings. Just because the bike was manufactured in the early 70s and “rides beautifully,” doesn’t mean someone else’s Mongoose from 2004 is any worse, because they both do the SAME THING. 3.) “Hi. Do you have a minute to talk about…”: To the people on the corners of Dinkytown and outside Coffman with clipboards and coordinated t-shirts: Yeah…no. Most college students don’t want to donate to whatever futile cause is being solicited. Also, asking them if they “have time for the x, y, and z” is guilt tripping. It does not win people over. Try the North Loop. 2.) “My professor just hates me…”: The worst and laziest excuse of an excuse there is: blaming the professor to mask incompetence. There are some terrible professors (some assholes, some just too old), but when they fail students, it’s due to a lack of effort or, as mentioned earlier, the student’s stupidity – or both. 1.) “No, dude. The Gophers are gonna be good this year…”: Ah, the ever-optimistic avid sports fan sayings. If you’re talking about Gopher football, then go sit on a pineapple. Saying confidently that the Gophers are ever going to be a good football team is like saying, “The U of M is totes gonna lower tuition, brah.” Who made you the football expert/psychic? Go home. You’re drunk.
Arthur Martin wrote this
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On the Eve of Finals, An Open Letter to the Hot Professor Becca Marsnik wrote this
Dear Sex Bomb, It started when I walked into your class for the first time. You were sitting up at the front. Just sitting there… doing nothing, but I knew. I knew you were something special. I don’t know what it was exactly that caught my interest. Was it the flannel? Or maybe your beautiful blue eyes? It doesn’t matter what it was. Either way,I sat in front just to be near you, to see you up close, maybe catch a whiff of your eau de sexiness. I saw what you did right before you started lecturing. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen. You looked right at me, and I felt it. I felt the chemistry. The attraction between us was stronger than that of the sodium and chloride bond you so sexily lecture about. I understand that you are a grad student. And as I have heard from Dr. Date, grad students tend to be terrible people. If this is what is keeping you from letting me rip your clothes off, you’re in luck! I don’t want to actually date you. I do not care what kind of person you are on the inside, but if you let me unzip those cords I will definitely let you check out the inside of me. Do not even try to pull the “Well I’m actually married” bullshit. I see you multiple times a week, and you have no wedding ring on your finger. Therefore, you are not married. And even if you were married, I would not be opposed to a threesome, just so you know. Ménage a trois have always been in fashion. Just think of the countless historical examples you taught us. Be my fifth Duke of Devon-
shire, and I will be your Lady Bess Foster. The Duchess will not mind. However, since you are definitely not married, you have no legitimate moral excuse not to park your Gopher Chauffeur Mobile in my love garage. Okay, so maybe you are “busy” with teaching and being a student and whatever, but I don’t ask for that much time. The amount of time it takes for me to come into office hours is much more time than it would take to satisfy my desire for you. All I ask is that you permit me one chance to show you what I’m made of. Posts on the U of M Secret Admirer’s page aren’t enough for me anymore. You’ve had fourteen weeks; fourteen weeks of pent-up sexual tension that is just asking to be released. But now the semester is coming to a close, and a major problem is still at hand: I have yet to get in your pants. Three days worth of fifty-minute discussion sections a week should be plenty of time for you to make your move. However, you apparently either do not share this belief or remain oblivious to my mating calls and gestures, so I have had to resort to coming into office hours for some seclusion. Even in our weekly private sessions I have still been unable to get a hold of what you keep so private. I clearly don’t need the extra help; I’m trying to help you. I’ve gotten A’s on all your quizzes. I think it’s time for the D. With Lust, Your Modern Heloise
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What study tips do you have for fellow students? “Get good sleep, take vitamins and be naturally talented.” - Isaac J., Sophomore
“Party today, study tomorrow.” - Brent W., Senior
“What!? I don't study!” - Christian S., Freshman
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
Roommates: A Consumer’s Review Katrina Nicholson wrote this As the year comes to an end, you're starting to make living plans for the near, post-graduate future. To ease your many worries, The Black Sheep composed this consumer’s guide to ensure that you can confidently make an informed decision when choosing a new roommate. Here is a comprehensive list of the bestselling roommates on today's market. The Sleeper: As the name suggests, this roommate is almost always in bed. While they may not actually be asleep, they'll be in a zombie-like state watching Game of Thrones or some other unhealthily addictive series. They leave the room three times per day: once to eat a feast and twice to use the restroom. On the weekends they may also indulge in some illegal substances while skulking in their cave. Advantages: They stay out of the way and are generally harmless. They won't ask anything of you, and they're entirely low maintenance. If you're looking for a roommate that is easy to take care of, this is one of the best options. Disadvantages: If you are sharing a room with them, your life will be a living hell smelling of showerless body odor. WARNING: side effects may include infectious clinical depression. The Passive-Aggressive Bitch: Instead of asking you to do your dishes, she'll make a point of loudly doing them for you, huffing and puffing all the while. At the beginning of the semester she seemed like the perfect roommate, proclaiming how laidback she is, but the minute things get stressful in her life, she subtly takes her issues out on you. Advantages: She'll never actually say she's mad at you, and she'll never actually tell you to do anything. If you're able to shut out
her constant guilt trips and awkwardly obvious hints, she's the right roommate for you. Disadvantages: She is constantly unhappy but will never tell you why. She will expect you to figure it out on your own. When she's having a particularly difficult day, her frustration will boil over and she will have a nervous breakdown. This roommate is a ticking time bomb. Purchase at your own risk. The Party Pooper: This roommate has no social life, and any attempt at creating your own social life will somehow be negatively affected by her. It's not their fault. They're just not a fun person. They like playing monopoly and crocheting a hat for their cat, and their idea of a crazy night out involves lots of Cosmic Bingo and soda (non alcoholic). Advantages: They'll keep you grounded. When you need to get a paper done they'll be sure to guilt you into staying focused… and keep them company. You won't be tempted to invite people over because they'll be deterred by your awkward roommate. This roommate is best for maximizing productivity. Disadvantages: Due to this roommate’s creepiness, your social life will cease existing. Despite your intentions, people will associate you with your roommate, and by proxy, you will become a party pooper. It's another calculated risk with very little pay out. The Leech: They'll drink your beer, eat your Cheez-Its, and use excessive amounts of toilet paper. When you ask them to replace something, they'll make false promises for restocking, and you'll still be the one stealing toilet paper from the dining hall. They'll also make sure to inconveniently take up the common area with their scattered belongings and old dinner plates. It's not worth trying to change them, because they have no idea they're doing
anything wrong. Advantages: This person is pretty much insufferable, but their hygienic obliviousness is kind of cute. Disadvantages: Everything. They'll make you dread coming home, and they'll turn your apartment into a swirling black hole of despair. They are especially incompatible with Type A personalities. As you reflect on your experience in the past year, determine what means most to you in a new roommate. While these four models could be a good fit, the only way you can really find out for sure if a roommate is right for you is by aggressively stalking them and judging their Facebook page. So have at it.
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THURSDAY 5/2
9pm - Close $2 Coors Light $2.50 Long Islands
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Campus Pizza HH (3pm-6pm) and Late Night HH (9pm-11pm) | $15 craft beer buckets 5 mix and match 3pm-6pm | 5PM: $4 burgers w/ adult beverage $5 w/o adult beverage Throwback Thursdays! Karaoke at 9pm $2 Grain Belt, Hamms, PBR, High Life, and Busch Light tall boys from 8pm-midnight
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Campus Pizza HH (3pm-6pm) and Late Night HH (9pm-11pm) | $15 craft beer buckets 5 mix and match 3pm-6pm Whiskey Wednesdays! $2.50 Jameson & Ginger, $6 Hot Chicagos, $3 Shots of whiskey
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SUNDAY 5/5 MONDAY 5/6
MONDAY: 8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs $5 Jameson Gingers Open Mic 10pm - Close
6pm – Close: $3 Bells & PBR Tall Boys
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Legendary wild wednesdays: college id night FREE Cocktail Hour! 11pm - 12am Power Hour 10pm - 11pm: $2 Rails, Select Drafts and Bottles | $3 U-Call-It: 11pm Close: Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close
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$2 Rails, Domestic Bottles, Lite & Premo Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Bottles & Hand Crafted Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
Happy Hour from 11 am - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm
SATURDAY 5/4
Closed
Happy Hour Pricing All Day Long! $4 Bloodies & $3 Screws: 11am - 2pm
Happy Hour from 11am - 6:30pm and 10 pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
45 Cent Wings All Day
SUNDAY 5/5
Closed
Big Mug Monday! $3 Lite & Grain Belt, $4 Hand-Crafted, $5 Hop-Head Specialties (10pm - close) $2 Rails & $3 Calls $2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $0.35 Boneless Buffalo Wings: 4pm - 12am (w/ beverage purchase)
Happy Hour from 3 - 6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
2-4-1's All Day EVERYDAY, EVERYTHING 1/2 Price Burgers
MONDAY 5/6
Closed
2 for Tuesday! 10pm - Close Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close $2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm FREE Taco Bar: 4pm - 6pm 1/2 Price Appetizers: 4pm - 6pm
Happy Hour from 3 -63:0pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers
$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm
TUESDAY 5/7
Legendary wild wednesdays: college id night FREE Cocktail Hour! 11pm - 12am Power Hour 10pm - 11pm: $2 Rails, Select Drafts and Bottles | $3 U-Call-It: 11pm Close: Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Select Shots: 10pm - Close
Happy Hour from 3 -6:30pm and 10pm-1am: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Karaoke from 10-Close
$1 Tacos 3pm-close
WEDNESDAY 5/8
saturday: Comedy Shots! Live Stand-Up 8-10 $2 Wells, $3 Any Draft $4 Any BIG Draft Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks! All You Care to Drink (8-Close) $6 Domestic Drafts, $10 Domestic Drafts and Rail drinks, Late Night Happy Hour 8-11PM
$4 House Margaritas - any flavor! $2 Rail Drinks , $3 Any Pint $4 Any BIG Draft
(excluding Chimay, Matilda & Big Eddy)
Happy Hour 3-8: Half-Off Almost Everything that Pours & Specialty Drinks!
2 for Thursday! 10pm - Close 2 for 1 Tier 1 & 2 Pints, Rails & Calls $2 & $3 Shots: 10pm - Close
$2.25 Rails/Select Bottles/Drafts: 3pm - 6pm
page 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Why Being a Jedi is More Useful Than Your Degree Jake Sorensen wrote this “Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.” You’re all familiar with the words; you’re all familiar with the story. A young man leaves home to go into space and fulfill his destiny by becoming a Jedi and bringing balance to the force. It’s a tale as old as Dinkytown. And, assuming you had any sort of childhood, you grew up wanting nothing more than to become a forcewielding defender of the galaxy. Whether it was trying to throw rocks at cars with your mind or giving your younger brother tetanus with the toy lightsabers you bought at somebody’s yard sale, you devoted weeks of your prepubescent existence trying to be Luke Skywalker. Nobody blames you. Who wouldn’t want to be a Jedi? They lead exciting lives full of adventure, intrigue, and danger, though they crave not these things. They can basically do whatever they want. You certainly wouldn’t need to waste your time at a university to earn a piece of paper to prove your worth as human being. A Jedi could do that with a flick of his lightsaber. In fact, in almost every way imaginable, wielding the force would be a hundred times more useful than obtaining a college education. Not convinced? Prepare to be. What are the reasons people go to college? To better themselves? To revel in the pursuit of knowledge? To score with the opposite sex? As a Jedi, you could accomplish all three of those things without having to crack open a single textbook. As peacekeepers of the galaxy, Jedi are under the constant pressure of staying vigilant and strengthening themselves to fight off the evils of the dark side. They never stop bettering themselves. Fact. Any knowledge you needed could be simply acquired through consulting the wisdom of a master, many of whom have traveled the galaxy many times over. Who needs lecture when you can ask Master Yoda about particle physics? And having the force means having a myriad of tricks up your sleeve to impress potential suitors. Levitating a pear seemed to work just fine on Natalie Portman. Maybe you admire the social status attributed with earning a college degree. Well, sorry to burst your bubble kid, but no one gets more respect than the guy in robes with a lightsaber tied to his belt. You could walk through streets heralded as a literal savior of the land, and
push over any kids snickering at you with a mere thought. Bonus points if they hit a trash can. Being a Jedi would also make getting a job much easier. Sure an MBA from Carlson says something to an employer, but you know what speaks even louder? The force! Just pull the old “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for” and BAM! You got the job, and you didn’t have to delve into vast expanses of student loan debt to do it. Once you’re hired, it should be an easy climb up the corporate ladder to CEO, what with people terrified that at any moment you could unleash a storm of electricity from your fingers, killing them all. If you think you’d never do that, don’t be so sure. Everyone knows money has a way of turning people to the dark side. A college degree simply pales in comparison to the infinite magnificence that being a Jedi would shower upon you. With the force you could kick ass and take names. With a degree, you can kick yourself and take orders at the drive in window when no one wants to hire you after you graduate. So choose wisely, and remember: the force will be with you. Always.
BEST HAPPY HOUR IN TOWN! EVERY DAY: HAPPY HOUR FROM 3 - 6:30PM AND 10PM-1AM: $3 Taps (including crafts!), Single Pour Rail Cocktails and Wine, and Specialty Appetizers Team Trivia from 9:30- Midnight
WEDNESDAY & FRIDAY Karaoke 10 - Close
EVERY THURSDAY
Team Trivia at 9:30 pm
2124 COMO AVE SE | MINNEAPOLIS, MN | SPORTYSPUB.COM
page 11
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
are you smarter than? Professor Andrew Scheil
1) Technology: What major U.S. tech company debuted the first handheld mobile phone in 1973? __________________________________________________
6) Pirates: A staple of pirate culture, what is a Jolly Rodger? __________________________________________________
2) Food: "Kosher" is the term used for identifying food which Jews can consume. What is the Islamic phrase used to identify the same thing? __________________________________________________
7) Religion: Two archangels are recognized by Judaism, Islam and Christianity, name one of them. __________________________________________________
3) Money: What unit of U.S. currency currently sports Thomas Jefferson on its face? __________________________________________________ 4) Comedy: Which comedian recently debuted a new stand-up act on HBO titled, Oh My God? __________________________________________________ 5) Sports: Recently the Big Ten ditched its Legends and Leaders divisions for two new divisions; what are they named? __________________________________________________
9) Literature: In Moby Dick who is the captain of the Pequod? __________________________________________________ 10)Science: Cancer often reaches Stage III when it spreads through these parts of the body. __________________________________________________
1) Motorola 2) Halal 3) Nickel 4) Louis C.K. 5) East and West 6) A flag 7) Michael or Gabriel 8) Walmart 9) Captain Ahab 10) Lymph Nodes
correct answers
8) Business: This nationwide retailer is the third largest company in the world based on revenue. __________________________________________________
Andrew's answers 1.) Motorola 2.) Halal 3.) 10 dollar bill 4.) Amy Shewman 5.) East and West 6.) Pirate flag
7.) Gabriel and Michael 8.) Walmart 9.) Ahab 10.) Lymph nodes
Andrew's score: 8/10 correct
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Golf isn’t just for dudes with saggy balls, it’s for anyone who wants to get schwasted and wear a polo. Take a trip to the golf course on a hot summer day and get ready to do a bit of boozin’. Just don’t be the girl who gets a DUI on a golf cart.
Summertime is approaching fast, filled with country concerts, road trips and latenight bonfires. S’mores are the traditional staple in summer snacks, but you’re a big kid now with a huge stomach to fill. Here’s a more chocolaty, more mallow-ey way to cure your craving.
What You’ll Need: Hard booze and beer—whatever is easiest for you to sneak in. Number of Players: At least two. Level of Intoxication: Tiger Woods when word of his affairs came out.
What You’ll Need: 5 graham crackers, 8 extra large marshmallows (or a ton of regular-sized ones), 4 bars of chocolate, a jar of Nutella, a jar of marshmallow fluff, and half a jar of peanut butter. Cook Time: 5-10 minutes Fatty Factor: Remember Ham from The Sandlot? Yeah, you’re on that level.
Drunken Golf
Steroid S’mores
How To Play - Take a shot for every lost ball. - Take your pick between a shot or shotgunned beer every time your ball goes in a sand bunker. - Take a swig of beer every time your ball lands in the rough. - Take two shots whenever someone lies about their score. Charge them with a stroke too. - If you make par or better, give out a shotgun. - For every shot over par, chug a beer for 3 seconds. - Whoever loses drinks seconds for the amount of strokes they lost by.
Let’s Get Baked: - Lay out your five graham crackers, but don’t break any of them in half. Set one aside to be the top of your s’more sandwich. - Mix the Nutella, marshmallow fluff and peanut butter together in a bowl. - Spread the deliciously rich mixture evenly over each cracker. - Place a bar of chocolate on each covered graham cracker. - Roast the 8 marshmallows in any way you choose (lighter, stove, bonfire), but we cannot be held responsible for any fires you cause due to your stupidity. Make sure they’re nice and gooey. - Put two marshmallows on each cracker. - Layer each graham cracker one-by-one and place the empty one on top. - NOM NOM NOM!
The Game Ends When: You can no longer hit the ball off the tee without falling on your face.
It’s a little messier, sure. But then that means there’s a lot more you can lick off your hands. Sweet!
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
s the ultimate s
t f e l N i x r e G u m i d m e u S Between sweating the day away at your cousin’s lawn care “business,” avoiding pregnant high school friends, and suffering through sit-down dinners with your parents, you’re going to be pretty atrociously bored this summer. You have to read books all year, so reading isn’t even an option. TV, however, is always there for you, and being up to date on current shows, and fluent in important shows of lore, is vital in today’s culture. You don’t want to get into a conversation about Freaks and Geeks and not know that many of the actors crossed over into similarly-fated Undeclared, which was also created by Judd Apatow. So, we order you to watch 2.5 hours of Netflix a day, focusing on the following shows, or else be left behind in any relevant TV conversation happening this fall.
Arrested Development
Number of Season on Netflix: 3 (Season 4 premiering May 26) Episode Length: 22 minutes Total Time Commitment: May 13th - May 24th, 25 hours Why You Should Watch: Settle down with an ice cream sandwich and a j.u.i.c.e box to knock this one out, even if it’s for the second, third, or fifteenth time -- it’s a clear-cut situation with the promise of comedy. Since the c-words at Fox cancelled the show, DVDs have flown off the shelves faster than Caged Wisdom. We would be a bunch of S.O.Bs if we didn’t suggest rewatching all the episodes with a few mayoneggs before the new season premiers. If you only recognized one joke in this whole paragraph, you need to go back and watch all the seasons again, lest you be lost when the series re-emerges on May 26th. It will be jam-packed with circular references from the past seasons, so unless you already knew that Tobias is an albino black man or what Cloudmir vodka is, you should definitely go back and prep yourself.
Breaking bad
Number of Season on NetFlix: 4 Episode Length: 47 minutes Total Time Commitment: May 27th - June 13th, 34 hours Why You Should Watch: Like The Wire and The Sopranos before it, every half generation a new show will stake a claim as the greatest TV drama of all time. You may have missed Jordan in his prime, so thank god this G.O.A.T. can be queued up on demand. There are things in life that are “important” in lower-case, like paying your mom back for that DUI or washing your testicles, then there are capital letter “Important” things like holding your newborn for the first time or being up-to-date on important pop culture moments. Breaking Bad sees Walter White's cancer-martyr character drive the narrative forward as he gradually transforms into drug kingpin Heisenberg, while his ever-sexy literal partner in crime, Jesse, drives the show’s emotions. One you love to hate, the other you hate to love. Drama! Emotions! Explosions! This is Hollywood. Er, New Mexico!
sherlock
Parks and recreation
Number of Season on NetFlix: 4 Episode Length: 22 minutes Total Time Commitment: June 14th June 27th, 25 hours Why You Should Watch: After coming down from thoughts like “I could totally drop out of school and sell meth, it looks pretty easy!” it’ll be good to delve back into a world of a clean-cut government in a polite small town. They’re just wrapping up season five now, and the show is already regarded as the next The Office in terms of quirky, character-driven Thursday night comedies. It’d be a good idea to go back and watch the series from the start, because not being able to recall the awkwardly endearing-yet-hilarious courtship of Andy and April would be like not knowing how the drawn out, awkwardly-painful and frustrating courtship of Jim and Pam went down. If you’re already well-versed in P&R, now that Jerry retired it’ll be fun to go back and laugh at how big of a FAT IDIOT he is (RIP DJ Roomba)!
Number of Season on NetFlix: 2 Episode Length: 90 minutes Total Time Commitment: June 28th - July 3rd, 9 hours Why You Should Watch: Sure, it’s a great show worthy of anyone’s time, and at a scant 9 hours it’s easy to plow through in a few days. Still, this show must be watched because it stars two of the world’s up-and-coming actors. Sherlock is played by Benedict Cumberbatch’s cheekbones, the main antagonists in this summer’s Star Trek Into Darkness, a role overshadowed only by his brilliant hair. Martin Freeman, Holmes, has already pocketed a hefty paycheck as Bilbo Baggins in the Hobbit trilogy. From here they’re both set to make buku pounds on the big screen. Soon the only mystery either will be solving is if they’d be interested in paying the extra 500 quid to go from the deluxe hooker to the super-deluxe hooker.
house of cards
Number of Season on NetFlix: 1 Episode Length: 46-56 minutes Total Time Commitment: July 4th - July 9th, 11.5 hours Why You Should Watch: Ring in our country’s independence by going from a show about jolly Brits to good ole’ American manipulation. House of Cards is a good show that’s more groundbreaking for its delivery method than for the action onscreen; mentioning House of Cards is how one Netflix subscriber finds another Netflix subscriber at sad, underwhelming house parties. You love sad, underwhelming house parties! This Washington D.C. political thriller features good acting from Robin Wright and Kate Mara, and hammy but enjoyable acting from lead man Kevin Spacey. After wrapping up this series you’ll be doing silly aside tirades to the imaginary fourthwall audience about how corrupt those fat cats in Washington really are.
bob's burgers
Number of Season on NetFlix: 1 Episode Length: 23 minutes Total Time Commitment: July 19th - July 22nd, 5 hours Why You Should Watch: A fairly new comedy, Bob’s Burgers tends to get buried in whatever shows Fox allows Seth MacFarlane to rampantly shit out at will. It’s smart, sweet, and quite possibly the closest thing to classic Simpsons you’ll get. Instead of basing jokes in habitual line-crossing and random tangents, the humor is derived from situations and dialogue. Not only that, but the showrunners post discarded jokes and writing room insights on a Bob’s Burgers tumblr, taking their dedicated fans to an even deeper admiration for the show. When Bob’s Burgers is hobbling along in its 24th season, you’ll want to say you were with it from day one, just like your fat, Duff root beer-drinking, basement-dwelling uncle says about The Simpsons.
freaks and geeks/&undeclared
Number of Season on NetFlix: 1 each Episode Length: Freaks and Geeks 44 minutes, Undeclared 22 minutes Total Time Commitment: July 10th - July 18th, 19.5 hours Why You Should Watch: Freaks and Geeks shines a season-long spotlight on life in high school, while Undeclared tackles one’s freshman year in college. Both are endearing, funny, heartwarming, sad, but most of all, comparatively realistic. Because this summer you’re playing the role of shut-in in the movie that is your life, you’ll need someone -- nay, something -- to commiserate with in describing antics of your life gone by. In these shows nerds hang out with other nerds, not hot blonde pieces of ass. The bad kids do bad kid stuff and don’t understand that their bad actions have consequences. Freshmen cheat with their long-distance significant others then try to hide it even though goddammit Trina, you said we’d be together forever and I bought you a promise ring and everything, and this is how you repay me? This summer, sweet warming glow of my beloved laptop screen, you’ll be the only friend I ever need...
Battlestar Galactica
Number of Season on NetFlix: 4 Episode Length: 44 minutes Total Time Commitment: July 23rd - August 21nd, 58 hours Why You Should Watch: Largely, this list exists to catch you up with the rest of society, so you stop looking like a fool in casual conversation. Battlestar Galactica makes this list to give you an ace in the hole of your own. BSG isn’t watched by a lot of potential viewers who shrug it off as little more than rote sci-fi with robots and spaceships and lightspeed. For those who love robots and spaceships and lightspeed, it has all that, but under its thin veil of nerddom exists a compelling drama that asks a simple question: “How would humanity react when on the run from its own extinction?” Plus, when Alistair McFancyshoes tries to drop the hammer on you with, “I find it adorable that you still enjoy suntroopers shooting aliens with their phasers!” at a late-summer dinner party, you can counter with, “No Alistair, in the Battlestar Galactica universe mankind still uses kinetic weapons, and in space they follow the same basic laws of physics that we understand today.” After that, just wait for the sex to roll in.
Adventure time
Number of Season on NetFlix: 1 Episode Length: 11 minutes Total Time Commitment: August 22nd - August 23rd, 5 hours Why You Should Watch: By the end of the summer you’ll have important things to worry about, like packing, what bar to go to first when you get back, and avoiding the high schooler you impregnated for just a few more weeks. Adventure Time, therefore, is the perfect solution to wean you off of Netflix’s teat with short, light episodes that are geared towards children and spaced-out stoners alike. You grew up screaming “SpongeBob SquarePants!” while some lazy guy puffed a spliff on a Sunday afternoon. Now the tables have turned, and at this summer’s late-August family reunion you can commiserate with the youth, wisely noting that you too think the Ice King “is a total poopy pants.”
page 14
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