Minnesota - Issue 14 - 12/4/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

Chi Free! L pot ike le, i the t’s s uch lemon a ni s at ce t ouc h!

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 14

It’s Icy Death Trap Season at The U Aron Wolde wrote this It is now officially Icy Death Trap Season at the U. If you plan on moving on the ground this winter then you should be terrified. Every outside surface of our campus is covered in a thin, undetectable, and almost impossibly slippery layer of ice. This means our campus is no longer a haven for learning, but a massive concussion factory. Never fear, The Black Sheep is here to warn you in advance of the most treacherous icy death traps on campus. Watch yo’ self. The Washington Avenue Bridge: While most students prefer to walk outside during the day, many opt out come November. Instead, students with wet feet and poor balance hope for the best on the walkway on top of the bridge. To make matters worse, the walkway has astounding acoustics, so no matter where you fall, people will hear you scream. The Stairs Down to Moos: Somewhere in hell is the crazed architect responsible for the stairs down to Moos. This steep flight of polished stone steps is somehow constantly wet and has a magical layer of ice over the edge of each step. Some say people at Moos set this up just so students would fall down in hilarious cartoonish fashion. Every winter these steps turn the simple task of entering the building into an episode of Fear Factor. Oddly the stairs come with rails that are even colder and more slippery than Frosty the Snowman’s balls. Anywhere the Green Line Goes: The Green Line tracks are always covered in compact snow and ice. This is ordinary in Minnesota, but because the tracks often double as ordinary streets to walk across, they become a bloody disaster waiting to happen. Every ten minutes you can see some tragic slapstick routine of people slipping and running as the train comes by.

“...the walkway has astounding acoustics, so no matter where you fall, people will hear you scream.” The Entry to Coffman: Coffman is the student hub so a lot of people prance through its halls in wet shoes. Instead of figuring out some responsible system for dealing with the water, the administration has decided to place a single fan in front of the door. One fan for two doors in front of the student hub. Obviously the water in front of the door freezes, so the first step you take in the building might be the last you ever take. When you slip in the marble entrance, it feels like you’re

going down a mystery ice slide followed by a belly flop into a pool of disgusting mud water. When you’re lying on the ground counting the number of slipped discs in your back ask yourself this: Was getting Jamba Juice worth this? The Steps to Amundson: The large steps to this chemical engineering building are especially terrifying because they twist at one point during the climb up. So once you clear the first frozen disaster of steps, you turn and find a thin icy sheath covering the next flight of steps. To

add insult to injury, the steps are so wide that unless you’re cradling the edges of the staircase, you’re unable to actually hold onto the railing. Let’s just say a lot of Humpty Dumptys have felt this great fall. So now you know about all the icy death traps on campus. But be a diligent little Gopher, because the U will still be a tundra this winter, and possibly (definitely) spring season. Make sure you’re keeping an eye out, because as soon as you stop looking down for ice, you’ll be looking up for a medic.

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PAGE 7

PAGES 12-13

RAISING MONEY FOR NEXT SEMESTER’S TUITION

NEW BUSINESS CALCULATES LOWEST GRADE STUDENTS CAN GET ON A FINAL

OUR GUIDE TO SURVIVING THE POST-SEMESTER NETFLIX BINGING

OUR VERY OWN BODY PARTS ARE SO OVERRATED.

FINALLY!!!

GET COZY WITH A BEER AND A BLANKET, BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Mackenzie Harding

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Hannah Botsford

EDITORIAL MANAGER Megan Felz

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Aaron Grossman, Charlie Glynn

OWNER Atish Doshi

PROMOTION MANAGER Liz Grein

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Cora Neisen, Lily Noonan Aron Wolde, Annie Cameron Victoria Petelin

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OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Damn, Man these “Burning headphones isn’t over, suck! is it?”

THE ALASKAN FIREDRAGON

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

CALLANDER A person who, when on the phone, always manages to think of one more thing to talk about. “…and one more thing,” Erin, a habitual callander, said, “did you hear about Karen last week?”

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Played quarterback for Louisiana Tech.

Made comments to GQ that many perceived as homophobic.

Has a memoir titled, Happy, Happy, Happy.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_UMN

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

RAISING MONEY FOR NEXT SEMESTER’S TUITION

As fall semester draws to a close, those of us who don’t freeload off our parents are thinking about how many organs to sell in order to plug through another eighth of our college education. Sometimes part-time jobs, sparse scholarships, and measly grants simply don’t cut the cheese, and we are left to make up thousands of dollars in tuition. Here are a few ideas to shrink the thousands you owe the university, and keep your organs at the same time: Sell other people’s organs: Why not? You need to save yours for booze money during your midlife crisis. Your roommate is already so emotionally damaged, no one will notice if another part of them goes missing. Adopt rich parents: Technically, your parents could have kicked you to the curb whenever they wanted to. Maybe they did. Who says you can’t do the same thing to them? Honestly, they’re the real disappointment, they’ve had 35+ years to become rich and they still haven’t. Poor people, right? Become buddy-buddy with a terminally-ill millionaire: You might have to spend some time hanging out at hospitals in Wayzata or Edina, waiting for someone to drop a hint like, “shouldn’t be too hard to fit all these pills and oxygen tanks in my mansion, I just wish there was a young person who could fit into my heart,” and then bingo! Then you just have to step in and listen to all of their insecurities and probably their boring life story. They’re going to tell you about how they saw Prince perform before he was famous (whatever), how they worked hard for their money (yeah right), and how nobody understands that they’re just a human

like everyone else (oh boo hoo). You’re going to have to pretend like you care about their problems, even though they’ve had almost none and could pay your entire tuition in the time it takes them to cough up some phlegm. Stop showering: #tbt the Middle Ages. No longer will you have to waste money on things like shampoo, conditioner, soap, razors, or running water. It’s time to say goodbye to hosing yourself down in a stall like an animal, and say hello to smelling like one. Prostitute yourself to capitalism (as if you don’t do this already): We have something different in mind than your daily minimum-wage grind. Sell small portions of your body as advertising space. Not only will all of your sick new tattoos make your body look like a NASCAR jacket, but this new, innovative way to advertise will be sure to earn you millions. Only choose this option if you don’t mind getting a “luxury apartment student housing” logo tattooed on your ass. Quit work-study and become a server: Forget internships. Sure, slaving away at a bar in Dinkytown is probably not related to your field, but will the restaurant industry help you achieve your dreams? Yes, your dream of not living in complete poverty. Above all, try not to stress out too much about spring semester tuition. The counselors at One Stop Student Services are always at your disposal to tell you that they can’t give you any more money, and the banks are always there to give you loans with ridiculous interest rates. Welcome to the real world, youngster. Enjoy your stay.

Victoria Petelin wrote this

SALES 4 DAZE

THE TOP TEN

End of semester regrets In celebration of the ending semester it’s time to hash out all of your regrets and figure out how not to screw up so badly next year. Here’s a list of all the things you should or shouldn’t have done this fall semester, a quaint addition to your seasonal depression. 10.) Not getting a U-Pass: Didn’t want to spend $100 extra on a U-Pass at the beginning of the year? Now you’re sad because you either have to wait 30 minutes for the next Connector to pick you up by the Eddy Circle or swim ankle-deep in slush for six more months.

Black Friday in Review:

A Dinkytown Special Cora Neisen wrote this

You know how Black Friday usually goes for students: you trample a few grandmas, accidently knock out a small child, and spend a year’s worth of tuition on shit you don’t need. Black Friday just does that to people, kind of like tequila or free food. The Black Sheep had a team on the ground in Dinkytown to cover the madness. With deals for days, our journalists reported the chaos to be at the same caliber as freshmen move-in at the dorms. With a 70%-off-everything sale and a free ugly sweater with every purchase, students came to Gina+Will prepared. There’s nothing college kids like more than ugly sweaters, so things quickly turned into a scene from 300, stampede and all. One passionate ugly sweater aficionado, senior Tim Fuller, came with knee pads and a first aid kit. When questioned about his protection, he mumbled something about a premature labor last year and that he had to come prepared this time. Soon after the store opened, a freshman had to be fished out of the sweater bin. She was taken to Boynton quickly after the event and was released after doctors checked her vitals, did a CT scan, and asked her to name all of the schools in the Big Ten conference to check for concussion. She was advised to stray away from any other Black Friday sales in the future unless wearing a Life Alert. In the spirit of Black Friday, the Dinkytown bars also had great deals… as if students needed more reasons to drink on a Friday. Several bars and restaurants banded together to create one fantastic, cheap drink-a-thon. Students took full advantage of this with the average drink-perstudent ratio of 11:1. Our reporter then gave a shout out to her stats professor from freshman year who taught her about proportions.

Though things were more than chaotic at local clothing stores, the drink specials turned Dinkytown into an impromptu block party. “There was a lot of celebratory toilet paper being thrown around,” reported junior Melanie Hotlogs, “and I saw a guy riding his unicycle naked on the roof of the building above Jimmy John’s.” Though students were enjoying the Black Friday cheer, UMPD quickly caught wind of the situation. It was later discovered that the police were afraid of another riot and quickly showed up with officers on horses, mopeds, Segways, bikes, army tanks, SWAT vans, and one officer riding an ostrich. The block party goers fled in all directions, some finding cover in often forgotten places like Magus and Herbs. Others, however, faced the police head-on and stayed in the streets, much like during the Dinkytown Riots 1.0. Having no sport victory to celebrate, block partiers simply began chanting names of different alcohols while selecting random people to crowd surf. It’s rumored that the distant cries of “Karkov, Karkov, Karkov” and “Natty, Natty, Natty” could actually be heard all the way down in Bloomington. With tear gas at the ready, the police officer on ostrichback barreled through the crowd, and the drunkies slowly began to dissipate. Unlike the original Dinkytown Riots, this gathering was entirely peaceful, and the mood throughout the town was cheerful and lively for the rest of the day. No shirtless men were dragged into police cars and nothing was set on fire, just selfies with the police in their riot gear. Students didn’t even get a strongly worded email following the incident because faculty members were also stoked about the Black Friday deals. Except for the sweater bin escapade, the day was a total success. We can only hope that next year’s deals are just as good.

9.) Attempting to find love on the Secret Admirers page: Congratulations, you successfully utilized the most annoying UMN Facebook page ever created. Now your love interest will reject you since the only way you could get their attention was with a superfluous, anonymous Facebook post. 8.) Adopting a Dinky diet: Unfortunately, a healthy food pyramid doesn’t consist of Shuang Cheng dumplings and Chilly Billy’s. Dinkytown food sneaks into your diet like corn syrup. You’ll have to learn how to resist the Mesa at your weekly club meetings unless you want to be spilling out of your Gopheralls. 7.) Not finding a new apartment yet: Sure, the lavish spring break raffles and pumpkin spice promotions that leasing offices use to lure in students to sign a lease seems unnecessary and slightly diabolical, but they do it for good reason! Wait too long and you’ll be struggling to find a decently-priced apartment and roommates you won’t want to strangle with your phone charger. 6.) Buying all of your textbooks: The rookie mistake of dropping $500 extra dollars a semester when you don’t even crack open your books. Now you have four unused 800-page books that won’t sell for more than 10% of what you paid for them. You could always just burn them. You’ll get out your rage and have one hell of a resourceful bonfire. 5.) Not getting a flu shot: There’s a reason Boynton email-smothers you the moment the semester begins. If you had taken ten minutes to get a flu shot, you probably wouldn’t have been quarantined from your roommates, swaddled in a Snuggie and oozing fluids for the past five weeks. 4.) Taking a 1-credit course: Whether it’s CLA 1001, or some P.E. class, it’s impossible to take a 1-credit course seriously. You either ignored all your homework or shitted on your attendance, which is why your grade is now in the toilet. But hey, you can always tell you parents you failed bowling because you didn’t know which holes to put your fingers in. 3.) Not voting: Your pro-voting friends have been hassling you since January to participate in every poly-sci major’s favorite day of the year. But you, instead of taking the 5-10 minutes to vote, used the classic college excuse, “I’m just really busy.” Now all of your friends are proudly flaunting their little, red, swagged-out “I voted” stickers while you somberly sauntered away sticker-less and sad. 2). Waiting until the last minute to buy a winter jacket: C’mon, you knew it was coming! What, did you think winter was going to wait for you to buy a jacket before it started? Where do you think you live, friend? Somewhere that doesn’t assault you with snow the second the leaves turn brown? 1.) Matching with your C.A. on Tinder: Your C.A. is your yearlong babysitter. Whether it’s your current or former C.A., sharing a mutual attraction on a hook-up app is a whole lot of awkward for good reason. You could’ve easily avoided this awkward conundrum by swiping left. Some things are best left unknown. Big Biscuit wrote this

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS When you are Pizza Emperor for Life, the only pizza available to your loyal servants will be…

NEIL, SENIOR “Hawaiian.”

SHAQUAN, SENIOR “Hawaiian.”

LUKE, SOPHOMORE “Mac and cheese.”

#FINALLY

Floco Jones wrote this

Gregory Jacobson, a junior accounting major at the U recently started up a small self-run business on campus. Jacobson describes his seasonal business as “a way to take money from people who don’t own a calculator and don’t realize that there are a million calculator apps.” Jacobson put it plainly: “I’m basically scamming stupid people…” he told us, “I mean… I’m helping… helping… stupid people.” Jacobson’s business is simple: he adds up a client’s course grades and does the calculation to find out what the lowest grade he or she could get on a final to still pass the course. Jacobson says he got the idea when his friends would dramatically shout to the skies, “How long can I spend watching Netflix?!” and “What’s the least possible time I could spend studying?!” Jacobson would offer to “crunch the numbers” for them. But the demand for Jacobson’s calculations became overwhelming. So, Jacobson decided to charge a fee. When asked if he was enjoying the weather, Jacobson squealed, “No, I don’t feel bad about charging people for this! I mean, sure, I’m taking money from poor college students. But it’s their own fault for coming to me instead of just studying for their finals! I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel bad, okay!?”

Jacobson was initially surprised by the increasing demand for his accounting major services. “Yeah, it was unexpected, but now I’m kind of a big deal. I charge extra for final project calculations. And if you want me to calculate final paper grades, well that’s really going to cost you.” He smirks, “See, I usually charge 20 bucks, but for final projects, you have to throw in your HBO Go password.” Similar businesses have been popping up all around campus. Accounting majors of all ages are opening up shop to help students with that end-of-semester struggle. “It’s not a charity, but we are helping those in need,” says Henry Olson, another accounting major who has started up a business similar to Jacobson’s. “I set up shop in The Whole. That’s in the basement of Coffman where everyone goes to sleep. Yeah, well, those people who were sleeping in the comfy chairs on the ground floor during the semester now go down to Coffman’s basement to get my services.” Olson continues, “I don’t just cater to slackers, either. Overachievers come to get my services, too. They wanna know what the lowest grade they can get on their final exam while still maintaining a 4.0

GPA is. The math is a little different for this but...” his eyes flicker with pride. “But still, it only takes me pushing about 5 buttons on my calculator. If they’re so smart why don’t they do it themselves? Two words. CLA. ” Jacobson reports. Jacobson says he’s looking forward to finals week being over so he can take a much-needed vacation

from his work. He worries, though, that his work is interfering with him actually studying for his own finals. “Yeah, I calculated the lowest grade I could get on my final exam and still pass my stats class,” he contemplated aloud to us,.“I need an 85. And I mean I haven’t studied at all so it’s not looking great. Maybe I’ll just drop out and go into this business for good.”

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

New Business Calculates Lowest Grade Students Can Get on a Final

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour Mon-Sat 3-8pm 2 for 1 on “Almost” Anything $1 OFF Appetizers LATE NIGHT Happy Hour Fri-Sat 8pm10PM: $3 Calls, Wells and Any Tap, $4 Vodka Red Bulls

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

SATURDAY! Cabooze Presents: 2 Mile Final & The Plott Hounds Doors 8:30 PM, Music 9:30 PM

WEDNESDAY: $2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Thursday 12/4

8pm-Close: All-U-Care-2-Drink with a College or Military ID $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O-Bombs, $3 UV Vodka

Karaoke Thursdays! Free Shot When You Sing Karaoke $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 U-Call-It Shots

Cabooze Presents: Later Babes w/ Menage Quad & Crunchy Kids

Doors 8:00 PM, Music 9:00 PM, Age 18+ Door $10 – $5 off w/ Toy for Tots ON SALE! Genre: Swing Hop, Hip-Hip

Half price bottles of wine starting at 5pm Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Friday 12/5

8pm-Close: $4 Three Olives Vodka $5 Three Olives Flavored Long Islands, $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

Cabooze Presents: Whitey Morgan and The 78’s Special Guest: Dirt Road Ramblers

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Saturday 12/6

8pm-Close: $4 Bacardi $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Cabooze Presents: 2 Mile Final & The Plott Hounds Doors 8:30 PM, Music 9:30 PM, Age 18+ Door $8, Genre: Country

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Sunday 12/7

Open ONLY for Vikings & Special Events $3 Wells and Domestic Taps $4 Calls, Micro/Import Taps

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

Cabooze Presents: The King’s Dead w/ Special Guests 8:00 PM, Music 9:00 PM, Age 18+ Advance $10, Door $15 Genre: Underground Hip-Hop

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Monday 12/8

Mason Jar Monday (8pm-Close) $3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double UV Vodka & Rails $5 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud or Bud Light Towers.

Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Tuesday 12/9

Birthday Karaoke Night!

8pm - Close: $3 U-Call It’s Rails, Calls and Every Beer on Tap

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

Wednesday 12/10

8pm-Close: $0.25 Wings with College or Military ID, or purchase of a $8 AUCD wristband. ($.50 without) $8 AUC2D Miller Lite Tap, Wells, Bacardi Oakheart, $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall Boys”

Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM; 2-4-1 drinks: 4 PM-close; Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints

Doors 8:30 PM, Music 9:30 PM, Age 18+ Advance $12, Door $15 ON SALE! Genre: Country

Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

$2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

THE BAR GRID MONDAY! College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! $10 Fishbowls

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

SPECIAL NIGHT

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan 9 & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight

Thursday 12/4

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles 7pm-Close

Friday 12/5

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

Saturday 12/6

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close

Sunday 12/7

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

Monday 12/8

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Trivia Tuesday w/ Tim (8-Close): $3 Domestic Taps, $4 Craft & Import Taps Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm - Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

Tuesday 12/9

WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to All Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

Karaoke 9-Close w/ $3 Summit Taps Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, 43 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

Wednesday 12/10

PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Clever UMN Professor Jokes that “Winter is Coming” to Connect Better With Students Staff wrote this

After the first taste of the bitterly cold and agonizingly long winter that is to come, students at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign have been running on fumes, and are already showing up at class with the glazed look in their eyes as if they had smoked for 40 hours straight – a practice usually saved for finals week. One clever and semiculturally relevant physics professor, Michael Dixon, sought to break the zombie-like trance his students had been in by using one of his limited pop culture references stored in his arsenal.

“I’ve never even seen Game of Thrones, but I’ve just heard the reference and knew it was from some popular show about dragons and incest,” stated Professor Dixon as he scrolled through the /r/AdviceAnimals subreddit. “I’m just glad I could make a few of my students chuckle. I feel like that line is a hit!”

com and saw students had already started posting about his overuse of the joke. After reading one that stated, “Professor Dixon sucks Khaleesi’s dragon’s ballz. Get better jokez old man,” the out-of-touch professor researched other pop culture references having to do with winter.

The next day in class, Dixon reportedly said, “winter is coming” 17 times during lecture, even in situations where it made no sense.

The next time class met, Dixon was clearly shaking with excitement over the next winter-themed pop culture joke he was going to make. As he started lecture, Professor Dixon told his students that there would be no homework assigned for Thanksgiving break, to the tune of the popular Mariah Carey song “All I Want for Christmas Is You.”

“Don’t forget your exam next week and be sure to bundle up,” Professor Dixon snickered at the end of his Monday, 8 a.m. Physics 101 class. “...Winter is coming.”

“Alright so the formula for velocity is total distance traveled over total time taken, does anyone know why?” Professor Dixon questioned during class. “No one? Alright, well it’s because WINTER IS COMING.”

A few students chuckled at the Game of Thrones reference as they packed up their bags. Dixon, however, took this as a sign that he was “in” with the younger generation now.

After no students laughed or made so much as an awkward sigh, Dixon was visibly distraught. While the class was working on an assignment, Dixon reportedly pulled up ratemyprofessor.

“I don’t know much about physics, but there is just one thing I need, I don’t care about my grades for PHYS 101 at UIUC,” Dixon serenaded the class, standing on desks. “All I want for Christmas is a break from YOUUUUU, baby!”

Twitter @BLACKSHEEP_UMN

As he finished the last part of the song, disco balls and strobe lights had reportedly started to go off in the classroom, and Dixon ripped off his suit to reveal a skimpy Santa Claus outfit much like the one Mariah wears in the music video. Students started fleeing out of the classroom in utter shock, disgust, and confusion by the aged reference as he continued to gyrate

himself on a metal candy cane. “I hope you all enjoyed my little Thanksgiving treat, and remember how hip good old Professor Dixon is!” he called out to students amidst the frenzy of everyone trying to leave at the same time. “Remember one last thing, winter is coming!”

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 5 ou

1) Classic Literature: The tale of this lakestarer gives us a modern word referring to a self-absorbed person.

6) Television: Jeff Albertson, of “Worst (blank), ever” fame is more commonly known as this TV character.

2) Art: What American artist is most notable for painting the cover of the Saturday Evening Post for more than four decades?

7) Medieval Times: What is the name for the code of conduct prescribed to by those in the knighthood?

3) Islands: Java, the world’s most populated island, is part of what country? 4) Music: For what is “EDM” an acronym? 5) Sports: Who was the 2014 World Series MVP?

PETER COWAN

IMPROV INSTRUCTOR AT HUGE THEATER

THE DRINKING GAME

8) Alphabets: What writing system uses kanji instead of letters? 9) Politics: In the 2014 midterm elections, the Republican Party won control of what? 10) Science: What type of bird, found in the Galapagos Islands, helped Charles Darwin forward his theory of evolution?

Peter’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Narcissus 2) Sylvia Plath 3) Canada 4) Electronic Dance Music 5) Barry Bonds 6) Comic Book Guy 7) Chivalry 8) Russian 9) The House 10) Finch

1) Narcissus 2) Norman Rockwell 3) Indonesia 4) Electronic Dance Music 5) Madison Bumgarner 6) Comic Book Guy 7) Chivalry 8) Japanese 9) The Senate 10) Finch

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

WINTER WARMTH

EXTRA DEEP DISH PIZZA

So, you think you’re getting roped into a nice, tipsy drunk tonight, the kind that has you feelin’ real good inside? Very wrong. You’re going to need a lot of alcohol to numb your body from this frigid weather. Trust us, alcohol is the coziest blanket to keep you warm in this polar plunge, and we know you’ll be thanking us later.

Nothing warms the heart in this weather more than a deep dish pizza. This might not be restaurant quality, but hey, let’s just pretend you had enough foresight to call the ole pie shop before you got high.

What You’ll Need: A handle of cheap vodka and a campus full of people who give you reasons to drink. Level of Intoxication: Enough to make you think it’s appropriate to walk outside in just a shirt and pants and feel fine. How to Play: Post up at your window and take a pull from the handle when: - You see a basic white bitch wearing UGGs. Take two if it’s a dude. - You see somebody wipeout on ice or snow. Didn’t teach “walking” where yer from, huh? - You see a person wearing so much clothing you can’t see their skin. - You think you should have a snow day, but the administration snows on your parade and announces class is still on. - You see that one dude who thinks he’s too cool for the Mother Nature and wears shorts and a t-shirt outside. - There’s an attempt at a snowman, igloo, or a snow penis. Whatever works for you, man. - You see a foreigner (west coast student) questioning what snow really is.

What You’ll Need: A frozen pizza (hell no, we aren’t making jack shit from scratch), a 5 lb. bag of cheese of your choice, and whatever other toppings your heart desires. Fatty Factor: Enough to clog your arteries. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. - Unwrap the frozen pizza and drop handfuls of cheese all over it. - If you have any extra toppings, start layering them between cheese like you would taco dip. - If there’s anything still left in the bag of cheese, empty it onto the pizza. Don’t you remember it’s supposed to be extra deep? - Throw that work of art in the oven. Doesn’t matter if it’s not done preheating, just eyeball it. You’re smart; you go to college to learn good. - Anxiously wait for the best thing that you could ever stuff in your mouth. Probably 22 minutes or somethin’. - When it’s done, GET EXCITED, but don’t forget to grab oven mitts. If you don’t have any, winter gloves are a good substitute.

The Game Ends When: You can’t feel the icicles hanging off your body when you streak around campus. You’ve seen The Shining, right?

We all know you won’t be able to wait until it cools to try it so take a bite, inevitably scorching the top of your mouth, but don’t say we didn’t warn ya’. If you’re lactose intolerant, just locate the nearest bathroom.

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NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THE BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

NOW

what?

to Surviving the Post-Semester Netflix Binging Logan Bailey wrote this With almost a full month off, the college crowd is ready and poised for a Netflix binge to end all Netflix binges. The following is the definitive binge guide for the latest and greatest shows Netflix has to offer. Grab some beer and your favorite childhood blanket and let The Black Sheep guide you through another awkward winter home with the fam.

WINTER BREAK PREP 2014

Dexter

8 Seasons, 96 Eps, 60 mins – 96 Hours Total Synopsis: Serial killer kills other serial killers while juggling hot wife, three kids, loudmouth cop sister, and job with Miami Homicide. Also, speaks to dead dad’s ghost-like presence for guidance in how to commit murder. Binge Plan: If you play it safe, you can watch a season in two days, six episodes a day. That’d mean you could finish her off just before the New Year if you start no later than the 17th. Or you can stay awake for four days and finish all eight seasons right on the 96th hour – not too bad. Got a Dark Passenger?: How many times in the last three months have you plotted to successfully kill that smartass in your anatomy class, and dispose of the body without anyone guessing it was you? Dexter Morgan can and WILL teach you the ways, one hour at a time.

Weeds

House MD

8 Seasons, 177 eps, 42 mins – 124 Hours Total Synopsis: Drugged-out genius doctor solves weird medical cases while being snarky and dickish to everyone he comes in contact with. Star-studded cameos from folks like LL Cool J, Carmen Electra, Jeremy Renner, and Dave Matthews – and some of them even die! Binge Plan: There are a lot of episodes here, but they go by pretty quick if you slip into a nap in middle of each one. See, with House MD, you really only need to see the beginning and the end to get what’s happening. The middle is just a bunch of medical bullshit, bickering between annoyingly unimportant characters, and really awkward sexual tension between…literally everyone. Okay, so the latter bit is sort of worth it. Just turn on the auto-play and you’re free to doze in and out for the next 124 hours. Happy watching! Paging Dr. House: You’re sitting there in your flannel sweatpants shamelessly drinking your sixth cup of egg nog, and the only thing you’re thinking about is how bad that could really be. Well he’d probably say he doesn’t give a shit, but he’d tell you in a really funny, asshole kind of way.

How I Met Your Mother

8 Seasons, 102 eps, 25 mins – 42.5 Hours Total Synopsis: Irresponsible widow/mom sells weed to anyone and everyone – making sure to get herself and family involved with the DEA, FBI, and drug cartels in Mexico. Binge Plan: These episodes are crazy quick; you can squeeze in almost three every hour, no problem. Your best bet with this baby is to sit back and relax for, like, 42.5 hours. Your mom’s couch is way more comfortable than your POS futon anyway, so why not finish it up while your mom makes you dinner? Meet the Botwins: Let’s be honest this Christmas: if you’re not smoking weed, you’re probably selling it. You’ve got three weeks, so let Miss Botwin show you how not to sell copious amounts of marijuana, so that you can avoid prison time, or death. If you’re gonna be a criminal, at least help us help you be successful. But seriously, Nancy is so annoyingly stupid, we have faith you can do much, much better.

9 Seasons, 202 Eps, 22 mins – 74 Hours Total Synopsis: Future dude named Ted tells his kids about how he met their mother back in the (present) day. Binge Plan: It would take you over three days without sleeping to watch these. Lord knows the last season(s) are hit or miss too, so maybe you should pace yourself here. We’re thinking like, nine full work days to finish her off; taking like eight-hour shifts with the show. Classic Schmosby: Jason Segel, Neil Patrick Harris, and Alyson Hannigan were basically the Three Musketeers of TV sitcoms. Everybody gripes about the ending (no spoilers ahead, chill the hell out), but goddamn it, there’s comedy gold hiding in this geezer reminiscing about his debaucherous glory days in New York City. So, if you’re vegging out on your lonely dorm’s love seat, don’t be afraid to get all pathetically nostalgic with Ted and his brat kids – tears abound.

Sherlock

House of Cards

3 Seasons, 9 eps, 90 mins – 13.5 Hours Total Synopsis: Genius detective weirdo solves crimes in present-day London with his grumpy doctor sidekick. Binge Plan: This show has short, three-episode seasons – but the damn things are movie length every time. Luckily, they are action packed. Also, you have to remember these episodes can be mind-benders sometimes, so do a season a day, taking just about four hours a pop. You’ll be done in no time, and also quite a bit smarter, it’s just elementary. You Can be Watson: We all know how much it sucks solving shitty problems with little to no money or will power. Just sit back and let the sleuth badassery of Benedict Cumberbatch solve it for you. You’re more than welcome to live vicariously through THEE Sherlock Holmes. Indeed? Indeed.

Louie

3 Seasons, 40 eps, 23 mins – 16 Hours Total Synopsis: Following around a hilariously pathetic divorced father of two, as he stumbles through life in New York as a lonely comedian. Binge Plan: With only three seasons on Netflix, you could absolutely finish this baby off in one day. That, however, might not be the best idea. This one is just too good to bust through so quickly. Try a four-episode-a-day schedule and really soak in Mr. C.K.’s sad efforts at surviving adulthood – something we’re all going to experience sooner than later. Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-aye: We’re all getting older…like seriously pulling out gray hairs and shit. Louie here is an example of how to function in the real world post-academia when you really don’t seem to have any business trying to make it in said real world. Sit back and enjoy his funny self-loathing, so that you can successfully ignore yours.

2 Seasons, 26 eps, 60 mins – 26 Hours Total Synopsis: The rise of congressman Frank Underwood through the United States government via violence, manipulation, blackmail, and really awkward sex. Binge Plan: There are only two seasons so far, so this one is gonna be quick and satisfying (see what we did there?). Start it with a pot of coffee at 8a.m., and end it with another pot at 10a.m. the next day. Who Needs a 4th Wall?: Don’t pretend you aren’t secretly hoping a Frank Underwood actually appears and takes over the country. With his suave southern drawl, old-mannish features, and adulterous actions…alright, so this might not be an entirely new concept, but the show knows how to quench your thirst for blood and scandal.

Breaking Bad

5 Seasons, 62 eps, 50 mins – 52 Hours Total Synopsis: Middle-aged high school chemistry teacher finds out he has cancer, so he starts making meth with the help of his junkie former student and various other nut-jobs to pay for his medical bills and set up his family for life should he die. Binge Plan: At about 52 action-packed hours, this one isn’t one to take lightly. That being said, it’s incredibly hard not to watch it all at once, and it’s almost a shame not to. And yeah, you’re gonna be bummed out when you’ve watched the last episode of season five and you realize you don’t get to watch Walt and Jessie’s banter ever again. Luckily, this is one you can re-watch no problem. We’d argue a two day, no sleep stint is absolutely necessary to get the full Breaking Bad experience. That Damn Flysta: Well, you must be sort of curious how to make meth, right? Walter White is pretty much the greatest chemistry teacher to grace the small screen. Not to mention he’s kind of a pushover in the beginning stages, so if you feel akin with a nerdy-ass science dude, it tastes pretty freaking good watching him rise to Heisenberg status.

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