Minny Spring Issue 15 by The Black Sheep

THE FUN & GAMES ISSUE!

MEET THE STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Mackenzie Harding

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

EDITORIAL MANAGER Megan Felz

OWNER Atish Doshi

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Charlie Glynn

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Lily Noonan, Laura Hafes Tom Wyatt-Yerka, Aron Wolde, Olivia Heusinkveld

ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Lauren Arant

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

end of the year

FLASH SALE!

PRIVATE BEDROOMS FOR AS LOW AS $518 NEW UPGRADED HIGH SPEED WIFI! *

2X2 - $732 | 4X4 - $552 | 4X2 - $518 *Restrictions apply, offer subject to change.

PavilionOnBerry.com | 855.557.2463

950 Jefferson Commons Cir. | St. Paul, MN 55114

RENEW TODAY!

Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE 80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

BLUE BALLIN’ Getting a mad case of blue balls after hooking up with a hot chick, but still feeling awesome about getting to second base.

TARA BOUMDEAY

Dude, Anna is so hot. Yeah, I was blue ballin’ afterwards, but at least I got some action. High-five!

THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepﬃti and we’ll send you a prize!

@BLACKSHEEP_UMN

blacked out cartoons

Know these cartoons? If so, email cartoons @theblacksheeponline and win a prize!

SEE IT NOW!

A UMN MOVIE REVIEW: MEASLES Big Biscuit wrote this

THE TOP TEN

Lies UMN Graduating Seniors Tell Themselves to Feel Better The end of the year’s right around the corner, and nobody’s feeling the pressure quite like the U’s graduating seniors. Whether they’re continuing onto grad school or *gasp* finding a job, all seniors are facing the harsh light of real life. In the spirit of nostalgia, here are the top ten lies graduating seniors tell themselves to feel better about their time at the U. 10.) Binge-Watching Netflix Wasn’t a Waste of Time: College is a time to try and “find yourself.” But, you never bothered, so you had plenty of time for a few hundred dozen Friends reruns. The world-class museums, ethnic cuisine and live music Minneapolis has to offer can wait until after you get married, move to the suburbs, and pump out three kids.

The sleeper-hit Measles certainly took cinematic critics by surprise. Normally, disease-horror flicks, such as Contagion, bomb in the box office, due to their inability to escape this pretty predictable plot: person is infected, everyone freaks out, everyone dies. However, like Beyoncé, Measles surprised the whole world with its unexpected smash-hit release. Measles takes places in Minneapolis, on the University of Minnesota campus and surrounding hospitals. Patrick Dempsey hasn’t been making much money lately, so he returned to the role he plays best: a sexy doctor who’s more concerned with drama than medicine. Thus, Dempsey played a convincing melodramatic doctor who does not seem to understand how diseases spread—like most actors. Michael Cera gives an Oscar-worthy performance as the skinny kid who is the first to be bedridden because his soccer mom refused to vaccinate him after reading an ill-informed mommy blog. In one scene, Cera stirs the audience with a riveting monologue about life and love, whilst eating a Fudgesicle and staring out his window of the Mayo building at the group of drunk college kids stumbling down Washington Ave, wishing he could be there. There was a surprising amount of homoerotic tensions between Dempsey and Cera, especially during the suspenseful hospital scenes at Fairview. The aesthetics of the film were quite impressive as well. The Guthrie provided the film crew with only the most believable looking bumps and rashes to make Cera look like a sad, measles-infected Zomboy. “I really identified with this role, because I had measles when I was a kid,” Cera confesses in a heartbreaking interview with The Actor’s Studio. “I was only six years old,” Cera recalls, sniﬄing back his tears. “I had a fever for two weeks and I...I missed ice cream Friday at school…I’m sorry, I need a moment,” Cera said, blowing his big nose with a tissue. The interview ended early, but Cera’s performance speaks for itself. From a critical perspective, the film itself seems to be a commentary on moral panic—an issue that is noticeably prominent at the University of Minnesota. Thanks to Measles, online forums everywhere exploded with one-sided arguments about the obvious choice to vaccinate children. Courtney Love played a very convincing ill-informed mother from Edina who was convinced that vaccinations cause both autism and Ebola, who [SPOILERS!!] becomes infected with a mutation of measles and terrorizes the Eden Prairie Mall. The movie did have some weaknesses, however. The graphics were not overly impressive. That’s why you shouldn’t let interns from Augsburg be the one to edit the special effects. The mease-Zombie transformation scenes seemed a bit too CGI to be scary or realistic. And although the dialogue was well-written, some of it didn’t seem authentic enough, seeing that these A-list actors had a hard time fully embodying Minnesota passive-aggression. Dempsey, a renowned method actor, said he spent hours in the Moos Tower Caribou, observing young medical professionals subtly try and one-up each other for hours. “Honestly, this might be one of the most difficult roles I’ve ever played. Minnesotans are so passive-aggressive, it’s hard to tell if they’re actually mad at your or just mad about the weather. It was like trying to read Braille trying to reach Minnesotans’ emotions, it’s impossible.” Nonetheless, after nearly four months, Dempsey was finally able to master the Minnesotan niceness blended with confusing cattiness. Overall, Measles sticks with you, like an itchy rash that won’t go away….or like a tattoo of Goldy on your ass.

9.) There’s Plenty of Time to Travel after Graduation: Studying abroad is a life-changing experience, but it’s also super expensive. Plus, backpacking across Europe with new friends from around the globe whilst making lifelong memories and having the time of your life means you may miss out on a couple mediocre parties here at home. 8.) Graduating in More Than Four Years is Totally Ok: They say college is the best four years of your life, but some seniors are lucky enough to stretch their collegiate careers out even longer. It only cost boatloads of extra money and your parents’ disapproval, but it’s worth it to have drunken Mesa excursions with your best buds a few more times. 7.) Your Degree Isn’t Completely Useless: Getting a degree in something like “medieval cinema studies” sounds like fun at first. Your hungover high school English teacher let you watch Monty Python in class, so this major seemed like a great fit. The peak of your career might be getting fired from an Uptown Starbucks after quoting cult classics at customers, but at least you studied your passion, right? 6.) 10 Years from Now Nobody Will Remember Your Stupid Antics: Remember that one time you got really drunk and went streaking down University? Of course not. The pictures you didn’t know existed will only surface once you start applying for your first job. 5.) Your College Buddies Will Be Your Friends Forever: You said the same thing about your high school friends, but this time you mean it! Even though you’re all probably going to move to different cities after graduation, you’ll still get together for weddings and funerals, right? 4.) The U Wasn’t That Cold: After scrolling through Instagram in the dead of winter and seeing your high school friends posing in the sunshine, it’s easy to feel bitter about your choice to go to school in a literal tundra. But walking to class in the freezing cold makes us unique and will be great cocktail conversation a few years down the road. 3.) Gopher Athletics Are Good: You may have spent your weekends in TCF, Mariucci, or Wilkins cheering on your favorite sports team and watching them lose once again (crushing your hopes and dreams in the process)… But that won’t stop you from pretending they were great. 2.) You’ll Be with Your College Sweetheart Forever: Your lover is taking a job at Target, and you’re going to law school in Omaha. But you knew that the two of you were destined to be together ever since you first drunkenly grinded at that Pike party during your junior year homecoming. 1.) You Learned Enough in Your Classes: You really only went to 60% of your classes, but you still brought home a solid 3.1 GPA, so that counts, right? College is about learning, and even though you passed, it doesn’t mean you really learned. Most employers won’t tolerate you missing 40% of work days, just so you know. Tom Wyatt-Yerka wrote this

ON THE STREETS WHAT DO YOU HOPE WILL BE DIFFERENT ABOUT CAMPUS WHEN YOU RETURN IN FALL? MELANIE MENK

“A flower garden on the torn-up part on the West Bank of the river.”

DRINKING GAME: THE COMMENCEMENT SPEECH

MIMI ELLERT-BECK

“A zip line between East and West Bank.”

Olivia Scott wrote this

Although it’s temporarily exciting to be graduating, reality is about to hit you like a brick wall full of debt and adult responsibilities. Don’t worry, this drinking game will help keep those thoughts at bay and get out with one last drunken bang. What You’ll Need: A commencement speaker who is painfully optimistic, attentive listening skills, and the cheapest bottles of champagne you can find (because this is a very special day, but you are still broke as all hell). Number of Players: At least 2 Level of Intoxication: “My dreams are smashed and so am I.” How to Play: Each player has their own bottle of champagne from which they drink when dictated by the gameplay. Take a Drink When: -The commencement speaker makes a horrible joke, and no one laughs. -Someone receives a Facebook message from a friend of parent congratulating them on their graduation. -The commencement speaker makes a sweeping statement about the future. -Someone witnesses another graduate wearing impractical shoes that cause them to trip as they walk down the aisle. -Someone sees their parents crying. -After each drink, players must clink all of the bottles together and yell, “I’m not scared of my future! I’m an ADULT!” in fancy British accents. -All players serve as judges and monitor whether each player drinks when required. The Game Ends When: Either from crying or laughing, tears are streaming down your face. 06

ANNA GALL

“Massage chairs in the library.”

PRO TIPS

5 Worst Places to Take Graduation Pics Aron Wolde wrote this

If you’ll be walking at the commencement ceremony, you’re going to be wearing the classic black gown that looks like a cheap Dementor costume. Beware, soon-to-be graduate, you must be strategic about where you take photos in your oversized midnight-colored poncho. Avoid these awful photo locations With the Goldy Statue

In Front of the Mississippi

Anywhere in Dinkytown

Weisman Art Museum

Scholars Walk

You know the bronze statue of Goldy in front of Coffman? Of course you do, literally everyone does. It’s one of the most prominent pieces of forced memorabilia at the U and everyone is taking pictures in front of it. Why? Well, what the fuck else are you supposed to do with it? Set some sort of sacrifice in front of it, Mayan style? Try to mate with it? We’ve already tried all that and nothing has worked.

What’s a more symbolic testament of your time here than a murky body of water covered in filth? If you take a picture here, you need to make sure you reference the fact that you’ve done it at the Mississippi or else people will have no idea where you are. Also, enjoy the walk down to the water. It’s not like that gown is going to be so hot you’ll feel like a baked potato or anything.

Dinkytown excludes most annoying underage students, so for the 21+ UMN graduates, it’s really a party paradise. There are restaurants and bars all over with homeless people in between. Are you going to take a pic in front of Tony’s Diner where you ritually went to cure hangovers? Or are you going to go to The Library where you got drunk the previous night? Keep in mind, if you take a picture here and send it to your family, they’ll think you majored in DUIs and molly.

The WAM is a cool building that should be photographed. But let’s be straight up, you’ve been inside it, like, three times in your whole undergraduate career. When people see you in front of it, they might ask you about it, and then you’ll either have to lie or admit that you know nothing about art. Also, if you take a picture in front of it just to seem cultured, you’re basically admitting that you’re a major tool. In layman’s terms, only take a picture here if you’re graduating from CLA.

You’re not going to be the only one doing this when you graduate. There’s going to be an entire line of future leaders behind you attempting to take a picture there. And while it seems like the perfect post-graduation photo op, you need to think about what’s going to be in the background. It isn’t going to be the prestigious institution behind you at Scholars Walk; it’ll be some sorority girl tanning on the lawn or a bunch of bros playing ultimate, not particularly scenic.

Now, these are only a few places that you should avoid, and there are many more. Photos that involve maroon or gold, or rodent-themed mascots will be met with scorn and cynicism. So be vigilant on where you may take that last and final college photo, because when you graduate you won’t be a Golden Gopher anymore, you’ll be a worthwhile human being. And that’s something to celebrate.

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

Our Mobile App Is Your New Best Friend

for vailable for iPhone and Android • Download for FREE today! Available

! Availa iPhone and Android - Search Black Sheep Mobile • Download for FREE today

THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

Everyday Happy Hour Mon-Fri 3p-8p & Sat 2p-8p 2 for 1 on “Almost Anything” & $1 off Appetizers

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

SAT: “27 Shades of Blue Dazy” ft.Dazy Head Mazy, Leep 27, Panoramic Blue, Fade 2 Shade 18+ | $8 Adv. | $12 Door Doors: 8:30 PM | Music 9:30 PM

WEDNESDAY: $2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

8PM - Close: $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Wells

Les Exodus featuring Prince Jabba & Lynval Jackson 18+ | $7 Cover | 2-4-1 Entry w/ College ID | Doors 8:30PM | Music 9:30PM

Half price bottles of wine starting at 5pm Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Thursday 5/07

(With College or Military ID. $15 Without)

Karaoke Thursdays! Free Shot When You Sing Karaoke $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 U-Call-It Shots

Friday 5/08

8PM - Close: $4 Three Olives Specialty Drinks $2 Jager, Cherry, O-Bombs $5 3 Olives Flavored Long Islands

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

Whitey Morgan & The 78’s w/Cody Jinks 18+ | $20 Adv. | $25 Door Doors 8:30PM | Music 9:30PM

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Saturday 5/09

8PM - Close: $4 Bacardi Specialty Drinks Swamp Water - Cherry Lemonade - South Beach $2 Jäger, Cherry & O-bombs

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

“27 Shades of Blue Dazy” ft.Dazy Head Mazy, Leep 27, Panoramic Blue, Fade 2 Shade 18+ | $8 Adv. | $12 Door Doors: 8:30 PM | Music 9:30 PM

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Sunday 5/10

Everyday Happy Hour Mon-Fri 3p-8p & Sat 2p-8p 2 for 1 on “Almost Anything” & $1 off Appetizers

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

Open Mic/Blues Jam featuring Moses Oakland 18+ | No Cover | Doors 7:00 PM | Music 7:00PM

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Monday 5/11

8PM - Close: $3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double Wells $5 Bud Light Pitchers

Tuesday 5/12

8PM - Close: $3 U-Call-It’s Rails, Calls, Taps

Wednesday 5/13

Wing Night 25¢ Wings 9pm ‘til they’re Gone $8 Bottomless Mugs $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall boys” $3 Kamikazee Shots

$2 Mini O-bombs $3 UV

Monday Funday!

Birthday Karaoke Night!

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints

Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM; 2-4-1 drinks: 4 PM-close; Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

$2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UMN Scan to go right to the page!

THE BAR GRID MONDAY! College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

SAT/SUN: Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $8 Fishbowls $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, 1/2 Price Wine Bottles, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

SPECIAL NIGHT

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

Rick’s Hole Club Special Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, $5 House Wine, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan 9 & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight

Thursday 5/07

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): 2-4-1 Rails and Tap Beer $8 Fishbowls $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles 7pm-Close

Friday 5/08

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $8 Fishbowls $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, 1/2 Price Wine Bottles, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

Saturday 5/09

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $8 Fishbowls $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, 1/2 Price Wine Bottles, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close

Sunday 5/10

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): 2-For 1 Rails and Tap Beer $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps $6.50 Flatbreads

Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

Monday 5/11

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, $5 House Wine, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm - Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

Tuesday 5/12

WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the ﬁrst time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to All Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

Happy Hour (4-6, 10-12): $3 Taps, $1 Off Bottles, $3 Rails, $5 House Wine, $5 Specialty Cocktails $4 22oz Miller Lite, Summits, Line $2 Off All Apps, $6.50 Flatbreads

Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, 43 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

Wednesday 5/13

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE iPHONE AND ANDROID APP

Eric W. Kaler

Goldy

Bob Dylan

Defend from anarchy

being adorable

immortality

Once per decade, foster young collegiates until they are ready to leave the college nest.

At any time, may hug crying child so parent doesn’t have to.

Any generation, may solve world hunger and political injustice one poetic song at a time.

“I occasionally wake up feeling like P. Diddy.” -- Kaler

“I was the 10th dentist that did not recommend Sensodyne.”-- Goldy

“Only the good die young? Well, I’m 73 years old and still breathing.” – Bob Dylan

Weakness: weasels

Weakness: Taking wives to italy

Weakness: Early Retirement resistance: Your bullshit

100

Resistance: Teasing

Twitter @BLACKSHEEP_UMN

200

Resistance: modern music

400

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E T OF 1 R U SCO 6 4O

1. Currency: In January 2015, Lithuania adopted what currency as its own? 2. Sports: In January 2015, what sport elected Craig Biggio, Randy Johnson and others to its Hall of Fame? 3. Terrorism: In January 2015, what satire publication was the victim of a Paris, France terrorist attack? 4. Music: In February 2015 what artist won Song of the Year and Record of the Year with his tune, “Stay With Me”? 5. Television: What newscaster was suspended by NBC in February 2015 for exaggerating a story about a helicopter crash?

EMMA KLINGLER

MIDDLEBROOK HALL COMPUTER CENTER COORDINATOR

6. Movies: Actor Eddie Redmayne won the 2015 Academy Award for Best Actor by portraying Stephen Hawking in what movie? 7. Politics: What city’s February 2015 election saw the forcing of a run-off between incumbent mayor Rahm Emanuel and challenger Chuy Garcia? 8. Business: In March, 2015 what national corporation saw thousands of job cuts? 9. Crime: On March 14, 2015 the LAPD issued a warrant to capture this person, the focus of The Jinx TV series? 10. Food: In March, 2015 what food conglomerate issued a recall of over 6.5 million boxes of macaroni and cheese after customers reported finding small bits of metal inside?

Emma’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. Umm 2. I don’t know... 3. Charlie Hedbo 4. Sam Smith 5. Brian Williams 6. The Theory of Everything 7. Chicago 8. All of them? 9. No idea 10. Kraft

1. Euro 2. Baseball 3. Charlie Hedbo 4. Sam Smith 5. Brian Williams 6. The Theory of Everything 7. Chicago 8. Target 9. Robert Durst 10. Kraft

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FINISHING FINALS

PLASTERED PANCAKES

Since finals are approaching, we know you’re all looking for a distraction from studying. The Black Sheep have a great game for you and your study buddies to play in order to get your mind oﬀ the books for a minute.

The only thing better to have for lunch than lunch food is breakfast food, duh. There’s never a bad time to have a quality stack of pancakes. Isn’t that what IHOP’s all about? Here’s our recipe for our famous The Black Sheep pancakes.

What You’ll Need: Your textbooks and a fifth liquor.

What You’ll Need: Pancake mix, chocolate chips, chocolate syrup, powdered sugar, and whipped cream.

Number of Players: You and your study group. Except for that one guy who is “running late.”

Fatty Factor: You’ll have enough sugar to get diabetes.

Level of Intoxication: Drunk enough to almost recite your alphabet forward. Almost. How to Play: -Take two drinks for every study break you take. -Take two more 45 minutes later when you finally close Facebook. -Take a drink every time you read your textbook and remain clueless. Drink two if it’s not a foreign language. Or math. -Take two drinks for every practice test you fail. -Take three drinks if you pass the practice test. -Take a big ol’ swig if you look outside and the sky is a noticeably different color than when you walked into the UGL. -Finish your drink if you actually understand what you’re studying, ‘cause you’ve made it.

Let’s Get Baked: -Turn the stovetop on and spray a pan with nonstick spray. -Once the stove is heated up, drop a scoop of pancake mix harder than you dropped your first class this semester. -After one side is golden brown, flip it! With a little UMPH, ya’ sissie! -Wait for the other side to cook, then remove it from the pan. Make sure it looks as golden as a boy on the volleyball team, but not as burnt as that girl in your French class. -Repeat and make as many pancakes as you want. -Add all of the fixings! Be generous with the chocolate chips and chocolate syrup because it’s the end of the year, so screw it. You might have ended up with more chocolate than pancakes here, but with the diet you’ve been leading on this semester, this may be the healthiest thing you’ve had in months.

The Game Ends When: You finish your textbook or your fifth, whichever happens first.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

A BLACK SHEEP SPECIAL REPORT

PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS

Amid Star Wars Buzz, Early Plans Surface

Star Wars, one of the most commercially successful franchises of all time, has a seventh installment coming out in December. Projections say that it will be one of the biggest movie releases in the history of film. Understandably, fans are both excited and concerned for the next three episodes of the series. They’re excited because of the tense anticipation after the conclusion of the previous trilogy, as well as concerned because of the extreme disappointment after the conclusion of the previous trilogy. “Star Wars fans are somewhat unpredictable,” said avid Star Wars enthusiast Timothy Griffin. “When the original trilogy came out, the fan base developed almost immediately. The original trilogy is still the fan favorite, because it is really good. However, the second trilogy came out and it was bad. Fans don’t like the second trilogy as much because it is bad, so what the filmmakers now need to do is to make three movies that are really good, so that way people will like them.” As with any major motion picture, the development of the seventh episode of the series, The Force Awakens, went through many drafts and choices of directors in early development. Yet the gravity of the Star Wars franchise meant the film went through an even more strenuous production, with many different approaches. An initial idea was to save money on the actual direction of the film by having the entire script shown by the scrolling text in the beginning of the movie. No directors, or actors, or any live-action aspects of the movie would be needed, thus creating a much cheaper film. “This was in the initial stages of planning the sequel trilogy, when I truly did not care about fans of the series,” said George Lucas. “I mean, I still don’t. Like, they’re mad at me for making and editing my own movies? They’re my movies, shut up and find something else to complain about.” Finding a director proved to be the first challenge. “There’s a lot of talent in Hollywood right now, so we wanted to find the director who both had the best skills to offer as well as the best suited for this project,” said Lucas. “Naturally, our first choice was Tyler Perry.” The original script, pumped out by Perry and his writing army in a matter of days, was titled Tyler Perry Presents: Madea and the Big Happy Black Family Sith Black Big Happy Family. It detailed pretty much a collage of his past scripts, but takes place in the Star Wars universe. The film inexplicably contains Madea, a fictional character that Perry plays. She is a large, black woman whose charms involve hurting people and saying inappropriate things. “You’ve got to be out of your goddamn mind,” said Samuel L. Jackson when asked to reprise his past role, Jedi Mace Windu, in the film. Another possible budget-cutting option was hiring Eddie Murphy as the star of the series. “Eddie is really cost efficient, because he’ll play every single part,” said Lucas. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a Sith Lord or an old, Chinese man; if we want him to, he’ll play it. No matter how ridiculous or unen-

tertaining it seems.” Murphy was busy, as he is currently in the midst of creating his own one-person movie, Twelve Angry Eddie Murphys. Early plans to hire Woody Allen as writer and director were also scrapped. “We just found it hard to envision a plot about evil taking over the universe and one young boy who can stop them with his superior swordsmanship and cunning that revolves entirely around existential crises,” commented Lucas. “He kept trying to cast Jesse Eisenberg as Luke Skywalker, and I just don’t see Luke as so… I don’t know...Jewish.” Plans with Allen fell through as talks about the script and the cinematic vision developed. “We had to tell him no, Tatooine is not on the upper west side, but then he tried to compromise and have it in San Francisco or Paris. And he didn’t like the scrolling text and the John Williams soundtrack at the beginning of the film; he wanted a white text on a black background while a Cole Porter standard played in the background.” The deal finally fell through when Allen demanded that C-3PO not stammer throughout the film and each scene be limited to two Nietzsche references. Fan speculation over the direction of the story is amiss, with the teaser trailers letting very little be known. “I hope they follow the canon of the books, because there’s already so much about the characters written there,” said Griffin. “Or maybe they could draw on the Clone Wars series, or the graphic novels!” “Do you think I really read that crap?” said Lucas. “I stopped reading Star Wars fan fiction pretty much the moment the internet gave it to me. And now we pay people to do it. Honestly, maybe the movies do follow the books. I don’t really read the scripts that much either. It’s not really my thing. I’ve been getting into Adam Sandler movies recently. Like that movie he’s making about Native Americans looks hysterical! I don’t know if it can be funnier that Grown Ups 2, though." Scriptwriting also proved to be an early challenge. “There was a question of how we wanted the movie to end. And the truth is, I don’t want it to end. I love these films and I never want to lay them down to rest. So I wrote that at the end this guy wakes up and it was all a dream,” Lucas continued. “Because fuck you, I don’t owe you an ending. I just wrote an entire movie after making six others. If that’s how it ends, that’s how it ends. And it’s canon now too. I hate fanboys so much, with their inane wikis and message boards. That’s how the movie ends now. The entirety of the Star Wars universe takes place inside of a dream.” Upon request for clarification, Lucas said, “I’m not just being shitty, that’s how the movie actually ends. I don’t care about spoilers at this point in my life. Do you know how annoying it is to have people already say they don’t like your movie two weeks before it comes out? No, that’s what’s happening. If people don’t like it I don’t care. Actually, I’m happy. I’m doing what I want. Because that’s what films are about: connecting with people and making them feel happy. Even if it’s just yourself.”

Can you solve this puzzle? If so, email us at wheel@theblacksheeponline and win a prize!

ANAGRAMS: BUILDINGS AT UMN

Anagrams are phrases constructed by re-arranging the letters in a word or a phrase. For your puzzle-playing enjoyment, Goldy has re-arranged the letters of various UMN buildings to create phrases that reflect the buildings’ true character. See if you can guess which building Goldy is referring to based on the anagrams and clues below!

CLUES:

The Cartoon

9.) Territorial Hall 10.) TCF Bank Stadium 11.) Science Teaching Student Services 12.) Mayo Memorial Building 13.) Nicholson Hall 14.) Sanford Hall 15.) Weisman Art Museum

ANS WER KEY

10.) Dumb Fact: I Stank: Filled with athletes and fried food, this building has a smell that is all its own. 11.) Nice Teachings Dance Destructiveness: Between the science students and the kids visiting the Career Center, this building is filled with teachers who know how to keep students from ripping their hair out and dropping out of school. 12.) Dream Immunology Alibi: If you are ill and you want someone to help you, visit this building for access to UMN’s dreamy future doctors. 13.) No Chill, Lash On: Filled with passionate and opinionated cultural studies kids, this building is no stranger to fervent rants about the harms of capitalism. 14.) Halls of Darn: Located in a far corner away from the majority of campus, this building hears mild curse words every Monday morning as early risers miss the connector. 15.) Man, Us, Me… U.S. Wartime: If President Kaler said that aliens had landed their spaceship on the UMN campus and were threatening war, there is no doubt that this building was their spaceship.

1.) Walter Library 2.) Coffman Memorial Union 3.) Carlson School of Management 4.) Middlebrook Hall 5.) Folwell Hall 6.) Ferguson Hall 7.) Northrup Auditorium 8.) Rarig Center

1.) Real Brawl, I Try: Almost all college students have spent hours in this building fighting with their homework and trying to pretend that surrounding themselves with books will make them more productive. 2.) A Finical Menu From Moon: Food courts are fun, but if you spend much time or money in this building and you will quickly be out of both. 3.) A Nonchalance Smelt Of Grooms: These students may have “fishy” credentials, but they seem to think they will make loads of money, so why not marry them? 4.) Bad Dork Mole Hill: Home to the honors kids and arts nerds. This building is known for having its fair share of geeks. 5.) All Hell Fowl: Learning another language is the WORST, kinda like hell. 6.) Half Sore Lung: It’s all about breath support, people! 7.) A Third Option Rumour: This one sounds like the newest dance show that this UMN building will be overcharging its students for. No thank you. 8.) Creating Err: As long as you are in character, you can do no wrong. 9.) Area Thrill Riot: This building is the reigning party dorm on the UMN campus. #TurnUp!

GOPHERSTUDENTHOUSING.COM

NEW LOW RATES S TA RT I N G AT $ 4 2 9

SIGN A FALL 2015 LEASE TODAY &

SAVE UP TO

BE ENTERED TO WIN A

$500 GIFT CARD

UNIVERSITY COMMONS

$235 WITH ZERO DOWN

GRANDMARC SEVEN CORNERS

Rates, fees & prize are subject to change. See office for details. Limited time only.