Minnesota - Issue 15 - 12/11/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Volume 7 Cards Against Humanity

st Humanity Cards Again

Cards Against Humanity

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Mackenzie Harding

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Hannah Botsford

EDITORIAL MANAGER Megan Felz

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Aaron Grossman, Charlie Glynn

OWNER Atish Doshi

PROMOTION MANAGER Liz Grein

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Cora Neisen, Lily Noonan Aron Wolde, Annie Cameron Victoria Petelin

ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Please Drink Responsibly

PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Damn, these headphones suck!

“Did I really forget my pants again?”

THE STRANGER IN THE NIGHT

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

FANATICKLISH

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

To be ticklish to the point of rage.

“Laughter quickly turned to screams and blood when Mary tried to tickle fanaticklish Robin.”

Originally gained fame from Toddlers & Tiaras.

Lives in McIntyre, Georgia.

Introduced terms “neck crust” and “forklift foot.”

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_UMN

THE FINAL QUIZ

WHAT DID YOU GIVE WEE BABY JESUS FOR CHRISTMAS? 1) To you, organized religion is… a) The Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. b) Religion, man, is all around us, man. There is no God. We are god. c) An anachronism of a time past meant to instill fear in those a patriarchal establishment direly wanted to oppress. 2) So, is Christmas a pretty big deal to you? a) Well, if you think exploiting sweatshop labor in third-world countries is a reason for a bunch of spoiled white people to celebrate, sure. b) AS LONG AS YOU’RE KEEPIN’ THE CHRIST IN THERE, SINNER. c) Leafy green season is dank as shit, bro. 3) Then, on Christmas Eve we can find you… a) Chillin’ with the Chet-meister waiting for the rest of the brodeo to show up so the foosball tournament can begin. b) In somber reflection of what a poor carpenter has done for all of us. c) Cackling wryly at Christians lamenting the co-opting of a religious holiday by big business, when they first took over a Pagan holiday to spread their message.

4) When Great Aunt Millie gives you a novelty sombrero for a gift because she’s on a fixed income and it’s all she can afford, you… a) Are reminded just how screwed up the system is. Will there even be Social Security when you retire? b) Text your buddy Lak-Lak about putting together a sombrer-hos party as soon as you’re back at school. c) Smile politely, setting it aside as you consider the nearest clothing donation center to your house. 5) If Jesus were to return to Earth today, he’d probably… a) Lament the state of religion in modern society. b) Be awful freakin’ hungry, bro. c) Be one’a them anti-vaxxers.

6) When you realize that Jesus’ dad wasn’t around much as a child, it makes you think… a) Man, I talk to invisible voices in my head all the time, and I’m doing just fine. b) It doesn’t matter, plenty of studies show that non-biological fathers, if around at a young enough age, are a plenty good surrogate for real dads. c) You’re wrong, his dad is everywhere always. He’s here right now. 7) Discrepancies in the Bible tell you… a) That mistakes happen, dude. Last week me and the guys argued for three hours whether Dylan’s still a virgin if he had buttsex. b) That God tests our faith. It’s not the exact words, but the messages they deliver. c) It’s as legitimate a piece of text as Go, Dog Go. 8) When you first saw this quiz, you thought… a) One of those gifts is going to be a weed reference. This is amateur hour. b) I hope I’m whatever the weed reference is! c) Someone start this paper on fire, these people are sinners.

ANSWERS 8-13: Gold: Because earthly treasures matter not to you, you decided to bring the wee baby Jesus some gold. It feels a little bit like you’re trying to buy your way into Heaven, but if it’s in the Bible, then it must be ok. 14-19: Frankincense: You would’a brought the little guy some rolling papers too, but the 7-Eleven in Bethlehem just sold out of them. Still, that guy with his mom is a carpenter, so he’ll be able to fashion a pipe outta something. 20-24: Myrrh: No one really knows what this stuff is, but it doesn’t matter—you’ll save the good presents for fictional characters you actually care about.

answer key 1) A-1 B-2 C-3 2) A-3 B-1 C-2 3) A-2 B-1 C-3 4) A-3 B-2 C-1

5) A-1 B-2 C-3 6) A-2 B-3 C-1 7) A-2 B-1 C-3 8) A-3 B-2 C-1

‘TIS THE SEASON

THE TOP TEN Presents UMN Needs The long-awaited holiday season is finally upon us and we think it’s high time the U gave us some presents. We definitely deserve it! We’ve worked hard this semester. Sure, we never went to our 8 a.m. mythology class, or our 10 a.m. badminton class, or our 2 p.m. Italian class… but we did make it to the 6 p.m. dining hall and we definitely deserve some sort of prize for eating that meatloaf. Here’s the Top 10 presents the U of Minnesota needs. 10.) More Snow Days: There could be 40 feet of snow, a wind chill of -80 and the abominable snowman smashing every freshman walking along Washington Avenue, and we’d still have class. That’s some bullshit. Give us the day off to drink hot cocoa, get a head start on a project and be productive at home! Or just sleep. Let us sleep. 9.) More Employees at the Starbucks in Coffman: Can Santa send some of his little helpers to the Starbucks in Coffman from the hours of 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. every weekday, please? Getting through the line in less than thirty minutes would truly be a Christmas miracle.

How to Use Walter Library Big Biscuit wrote this Most students barely step foot into Walter Library, let alone know where it is. But towards the end of the semester, there is a massive influx of visitors who crowd the entire building. Hoping that the magical library fairies will fly down from the stacks and miraculously save their GPA. Walter becomes especially bizarre as finals draw near, so The Black Sheep has made this beautiful breakdown of helpful tips for finals week library survival. Quiet Means Quiet: The quiet study room on the 2nd floor is where most students huddle around tables and silently pretend to study with an open book in front of them (though they’re usually just catching up on The Following). You should put your phone on silent, this is not the place where you want your Pussycat Dolls ringtone to go off when you get a mid-afternoon booty call. Students cracked out on Adderall in the quiet room will tolerate none of your nonsense. Computer Lab Etiquette: DO NOT be the asshole who decides to print off eighty pages of notes, when the person behind only has to print a four-page essay due in twenty minutes. You’ll be the first to be sacrificed to the Walter Gods. Never Erase a Whiteboard: CSE majors in particular can be very territorial of Walter, since Walter is basically a branch of all the designated science halls. CSE students eat, sleep, and reproduce in Walter. Never erase anything unless you want a storm of angry engineers after you, bombarding you with formulas. Don’t Study Alone in a Group Study Space: The S.M.A.R.T lab on the second floor attracts some of the most miserable college clusters: the group projects. Here you’ll see aggravated groups of 4 to 5, as they attempt to divide work even though one member is taking over while the rest play solitaire on their laptops. Everyone knows that group projects are the bane of collegiate existence, so don’t be the asshole who takes up an entire group table.

If You See an Open Seat, Run!: Finding a seat in Walter during finals is a game of passive-aggressive musical chairs. If you see an open seat, don’t be afraid to bolt for it before someone else gets it. Either that, or bring a pillow to sit on, because your ass will not be comfortable on the marble floor for six hours.

8.) More Events With Free Food: Well, yeah. There is absolutely no better present in the world than free food. Free doughnuts on West Bank in the morning, free pizza on East Bank in the afternoon, and free cake everywhere all the time. 7.) Better Food: We all know 17th is the only dining hall where you’re not concerned about finding mold in your orange juice. If all dining halls were as good as 17th, we might actually invest in a meal plan. But until then, we’ll stick with our ramen and bitterness. 6.) Make Gopher Chauffer 24/7: Walking always sucks, but in the cold it’s especially shitty. Having a freshman in a minivan drive us around from class to class would be the greatest gift of all. Then we wouldn’t have to drink whiskey on the walk to class to warm up. Learning is so much easier when you’re sober. 5.) Free Hot Cocoa When You Enter Every Building: Coming into a warm building after walking a mile in the freezing cold would only be made better by a build-your-own-hot-cocoa stand in every building. Every. Single. Building. Even the freshman dorms.

Don’t Hook-Up in the Bookshelves: If you think a library is a good place to get it on, please reconsider before you try mackin’ between some bookshelves. Sure, hooking up in a library is a romantic must-do on every HerCampus listicle, but Walter really isn’t the place for that. Everything in the library echoes, so if you can hear the person next to you zip every tooth of their backpack, you can be assured that everyone will be able to hear you unzip your Levi’s. Don’t Waste Your Money on Wise Owl Café: Gaggles of people have to get their sugary latte fix at Wise Owl Café before they can even think about studying. But you shouldn’t rely on the library’s café for nourishment. Finals week is like the apocalypse, where everyone has mutated to weird creatures that live off of caffeine and books. The best thing you can do before you quarantine yourself in the library is to prepare for the worst. Bring a 48 oz. thermos of coffee, and plenty of family-sized snacks. Walter is your new home, whether you like it or not. Study in the Reference Section: The reference section of Walter is one of the best places to study because all of the desks have walls around them and people can’t bother you. This means being able to drink an entire bottle of Svedka and cry into your multi-variable calculus notes in peace. Chances are you’ll camp-out there with your friends, get a little drunk, get minimal sleep, and not shower for three days, like fun-less, musicless version of Bonnaroo. If you get hopeless, just stare up at the naked baby cherubs on the marble ceilings, and pray that you’ll live to see December 18th.

4.) Ryan Gosling: Hey girl. Class wouldn’t be so bad if Professor Gosling was teaching this Human Sexuality 1001 class. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Drool, drool. Wipe up drool subtly, wipe up drool subtly. 3.) Screenings of Elf in Coffman Every Day: ‘Tis the season of never-ending Elf quotes. “SANTA! OH MY GOD. I KNOW HIM. I KNOW HIM.” “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?” “He’s an angry elf.” 2.) Heating on the Inside of the Washington Ave Bridge Walkway: We wouldn’t even really dread going from our Intro to Theater class on West Bank to our Bio 1001 class on East Bank if the Washington Avenue Bridge walkway was heated. At least it’d be warm. We’d probably still avoid the walk though, ‘cause Bio 1001. 1.) A Bottle of Bailey’s for Every Final You Take: There would be no better way to get in the holiday spirit while also getting through a three-hour stats final than taking a pull of Bailey’s every time you read the word, “chart.” Floco Jones wrote this

ON THE STREETS

the madlib SITTING ON SANTA’S LAP

What do you wish you had told yourself on the first day of the semester?

AUDREY, SENIOR “Start the assignment earlier.”

SARAH, JUNIOR Hey there, ya big, tubby bowl of __(1)__, how ya doing? If you are who you say you are, you know I haven’t come by the mall to talk to you since I was __(2)__, but it’s been a rough year, and I really need you to knock Christmas out of the park this year.

“Don’t waste time on Tinder.”

Let me start by saying, is that a __(3)__in your pocket, or you just happy to see me? Seems so __(4)__ I could hang an ornament off it, am I right, you big, virile badass? This year I’m going to want a __(5)__, but not one of the cheap ones, one with plenty of __(6)__and __(7)__and everything. I actually have one on my Amazon Wish List, so just log in and check it out. I’m also going to want a __(8)__, a bottle of __(9)__and a lifetime supply of __(10)__. Hey fat man, don’t give me that look, that elf over there told me this is a __(11)__free zone. It’s not just that I want a lot of good stuff, I think my family deserves what’s comin’ to them, too. Get my mom a __(12)__for that time she didn’t get me a __(13)__for Christmas in 2003. Get my sister a __(14)__to remind her of the time she told my mom about __(15)__ in the basement when I was in high school. Karma’s a bitch, aye __(16)__? Finally, get my stepdad Todd a nice big pile of __(17)__. Just ‘cause you get to stuff it in my mom doesn’t mean you get to enjoy the holiday spirit, not with me around. Sorry you jolly bastard, there’s a flock of moms giving me the side-eye over there, so I’ll hop off to let a little __(18)__ hop on and __(19)__on your outfit. Sure you’ll love that. Also, Santa, remember, you better get me everything, I know where you live, and I will __(20)__you.

CLUE BANK 1. Kind euphemism for fat 2. Age you last visited a mall Santa 3. Christmas item 4. Adjective 5. Expensive present 6. Feature on #5 7. Feature found on #5 8. Cheap present 9. Something that comes in a bottle 10. Noun

11. Noun 12. Bad gift 13. Hot 2003 Christmas items 14. Karmic gift 15. Illicit high school activity 16. Sister name 17. Something gross 18. Small child synonym 19. Expulsion of bodily fluid 20. Verb

JOELLE, SOPHOMORE “Not being in the dorms anymore means really having to put an effort into seeing your friends.”

HAPPY HOLIDAZE

VISIT FROM GOLDY Victoria Petelin wrote this

When out in the mall area there arose such a clatter, Campus security rushed in to see what was the matter. To the top window of Coffman it flew like a flash, Blasted through the window pane in one solid smash, The moon shone bright on the new fallen snow, Security looked up and shouted, “Lie low!” When, what to his wondering eyes should appear, But Goldy on a flying moped, with antlers like reindeer. With his baggy costume he was still lively and quick, But Goldy had a real bone to pick. More rapid than UMN rowers he came, Down from the window, calling the officer by name; “Okay Officer O’Malley, what am I supposed to do, The whole month everyone bids me adieu? Stockpile acorns? Climb up the walls? Whatever, leave me here, dash away all!” So above campus, East and West bank he flew, With a heart full of anger and bitter sadness too. And then, in the frat house, they heard on the roof, Scratching and tearing like millions of hooves, And as they got out of bed and were turning around, Down the chimney St. Goldy came with a bound.

He was dressed in another animal’s fur, from head to foot And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. A bundle of real gopher heads he had flung on his back, And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack. His eyes - how they were crazed! His mangled jaw so hairy! The blood of small critters smeared on him, red like a cherry. His gaping, embroidered maw drawn on like a bow, And his razor-sharp teeth glistened, white as the snow; The trachea of Officer O’Malley held tight in his teeth, Stuffing poured from and encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a round little belly That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly. He was chubby and plump, but not jolly like an elf, And the frat boys laughed uncomfortably, in spite of themselves. A wink of his eye and a spin of his head Left the brothers completely overcome with dread; He spoke many words, of how all he knows is work, “How could you leave me?” he cried with a twitch and a jerk. And, breathing in deeply through his nose, Like a scene from The Exorcist, towards the ceiling he rose, He sprang to his moped, and through his teeth he whistled; And away he flew, like the down of a thistle. But they heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight, “My inner demons will slay me these next thirty nights!”

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

A HOLIDAY

‘Twas the week afore break, when all through the house, Not a frat boy was stirring, not even a mouse. Final papers were placed on their desks with care, In hopes that St. Goldy soon would be there; The brothers were nestled, all snug in their beds, While visions of salmon shorts danced in their heads; And the dean in his ‘kerchief and maroon and gold cap, Had taken Lunesta in preparation for his month-long nap.

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour Mon-Sat 3-8pm 2 for 1 on “Almost” Anything $1 OFF Appetizers LATE NIGHT Happy Hour Fri-Sat 8pm10PM: $3 Calls, Wells and Any Tap, $4 Vodka Red Bulls

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

SATURDAY! Cabooze Presents: The People Brother’s Band & i like you with A Round of Horses

WEDNESDAY: $2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Thursday 12/11

8pm-Close: All-U-Care-2-Drink with a College or Military ID $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O-Bombs, $3 UV Vodka

Karaoke Thursdays! Free Shot When You Sing Karaoke $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 U-Call-It Shots

Cabooze Presents: The Reckless, Portage & Harakiri Doors 8 PM, Music 9 PM, Age 18+, Door $8

Half price bottles of wine starting at 5pm Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Friday 12/12

8pm-Close: $4 Three Olives Vodka $5 Three Olives Flavored Long Islands, $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

Cabooze Presents: Dead Larry & Duenday w/ Special Guest: Mike Daum of Roster McCabe

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Saturday 12/13

8pm-Close: $4 Bacardi $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Cabooze Presents: The People Brother’s Band & i like you with A Round of Horses

Sunday 12/14

Open ONLY for Vikings & Special Events $3 Wells and Domestic Taps $4 Calls, Micro/Import Taps

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

Cabooze Presents: The King’s Dead w/ Special Guests 8:00 PM, Music 9:00 PM, Age 18+ Advance $10, Door $15 Genre: Underground Hip-Hop

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Monday 12/15

Mason Jar Monday (8pm-Close) $3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double UV Vodka & Rails $5 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud or Bud Light Towers.

Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Tuesday 12/16

Birthday Karaoke Night!

8pm - Close: $3 U-Call It’s Rails, Calls and Every Beer on Tap

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

Wednesday 12/17

8pm-Close: $0.25 Wings with College or Military ID, or purchase of a $8 AUCD wristband. ($.50 without) $8 AUC2D Miller Lite Tap, Wells, Bacardi Oakheart, $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall Boys”

Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM; 2-4-1 drinks: 4 PM-close; Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints

Doors 8:30 PM, Music 9:30 PM, Age 18+ Advance $8, Door $10

Doors 9 PM, Music 10 PM, Age 18+, Advance $10, Door $10 ON SALE!

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

$2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

THE BAR GRID MONDAY! College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! $10 Fishbowls

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

SPECIAL NIGHT

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan 9 & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight

Thursday 12/11

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles 7pm-Close

Friday 12/12

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

Saturday 12/13

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close

Sunday 12/14

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

Monday 12/15

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

Trivia Tuesday w/ Tim (8-Close): $3 Domestic Taps, $4 Craft & Import Taps Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm - Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

Tuesday 12/16

WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to All Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

Karaoke 9-Close w/ $3 Summit Taps Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, 43 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

Wednesday 12/17

PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

FUN & GAMES

CLUE BANK

THE MADLIB

MOM, MY PROFESSOR SCREWED ME! You know how the holidays go. Your grandparents ask if you’ve been mugged by those __(1)__ that run ravage throughout Dinkytown, your uncle shows up in a __(2)__ and insists Dave is “just a friend who didn’t want to spend Christmas alone,” and you sneak __(3)__ to your little brother who vomits all over the __(4)__. This year’s going to be even more interesting. It’ll be even weirder than that time __(5)__ shouted __(6)__ at the dinner table after getting wasted off of __(7)__. This year, you have to tell your parents how your professor screwed you. We ain’t talkin’ about giving you a bad grade. It wouldn’t be that bad, except for the fact that it happened in __(8)__. You were meeting to discuss some questions about the last __(9)__. It wasn’t planned, you promise! Maybe it was the __(10)__ playing in the background or maybe it was the __(11)__ perfume your prof was wearing. Whatever it was, you felt something you hadn’t felt since you were __(12)__ years old with your __(13)__ and masturbated to your __(14)__ teacher. After you got put on probation with the university last year for __(15)__ in __(16)__, you’ve been good. Your prof noticed your foot and slowly looked up at you like __(18)__ did in __(19)__. It was like that time you were in __(20)__ and you thought you saw __(21)__ giving you the eyes but it was actually just that homeless guy who sits on 4th and 14th. Anyway, the look led to a hand placement. Suddenly __(22)__didn’t seem to matter. “Do you want to get out of here?” your prof asked. “__(23)__ “ and “__(24)__” were the first two things that came to mind, but you just stammered “um, yeah.” After running to the bathroom together one thing quickly led to another and __(25)__ a professor can be crossed off your bucket list. Of course you had to tell your best friend, which quickly turned into __(26)__ friends, and before you could say Blarney’s, the dean of __(27)__ found out. Long story short you had to go through a 10-week class about appropriate relationships with faculty, and that’s why you had to tell your parents about it all. Hopefully it won’t be too bad. They’ll understand, right?

1) Gang (plural) 2) A skimpy article of women’s clothing 3) Strong alcohol 4) The cleanest room of your house 5) Least favorite family member 6) Worst swear around 7) Your favorite booze 8) Business you frequent in Dinkytown 9) Assignment you hate 10) Band or musician 11) Your favorite fruit as an adjective (ie apple-y) 12) Number of times you’ve gone to Disneyworld/land 13) Favorite toy from the 90s 14) Arousing grade school class 15) Illegal activity of choice 16) Ugliest campus building 17) Weird-looking shoes 18) Sexy actor/actress 19) Cheesy romance movie 20) Dinkytown bar you’ve thrown up in 21) Celebrity who would never have sex with you 22) Something we learn in school but never actually use in real life 23) Something you can’t yell at a funeral 24) Something you’d yell in bed 25) Slang term for sex (verb) 26) Number of ants you’d eat for $1,000,000 27) Your major

Cora Neisen wrote this

A male Badger wants to shower beside your 20-year-old Gopher Daughter. Are YOU okay with that?

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 5 ou

1) December Dates: What award, named after the eponymous man’s death, is given yearly on his birthday, December 10th? 2) Hanukkah: How many days is Hanukkah celebrated? 3) Christmas Carols: What famous carol contains the lines, “Not only green when summer’s here/ But also when it’s cold and drear”?

ANNIE AND LAUREN

6) Candy: Peppermint is a hybrid mint, a cross between watermint and what other kind of mint? 7) 2015: What 80s classic has a trio arriving to October 21st, 2015? 8) The Bible: According to the Bible, in what city was Jesus born?

4) Fad Gifts: Christmas 2004 saw Billy, who sang, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” What was Billy?

9) Festivus: The Festivus Feats of Strength ends when this happens to the head of the household.

5) Holiday Movies: This 2003 holiday Christmas hit originally had Jim Carrey attached to play the lead role.

10) New Year’s Eve: What city hosts an annual “Peach Drop” on New Year’s Eve?

Annie & Lauren’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Nobel Prize 2) Nine 3) “O Christmas Tree” 4) Fishs 5) Elf 6) Spearmint 7) Back to the Future 8) Jerusalem 9) Uhu, what? 10) Atlanta

1) Nobel Prize 2) Eight 3) “O Christmas Tree” 4) Bass, or Big Mouth Bass 5) Elf 6) Spearmint 7) Back to the Future II 8) Bethlehem 9) He or she is pinned 10) Atlanta

UNIVERSITY REC AND WELLNESS CENTER

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

DANGEROUS DECORATIONS

SILENCING SANTA

It’s Christmas time and that means it’s time to decorate. Sure, it looks nice, but it’s a pain in the ass to work on all day and 99.9% of the time you end up breaking something precious to your parents. So this year it might be best to grab yourself a 30-rack excuse before you cause a holly-jolly wreckage in your living room.

Alright, Santa Claus. We never forgot the time when we were six and you got us socks instead of a new PlayStation. We never forgot the shock, the tears, the anger, the confusion, the absolute sense of feeling lost. We never forgot. And now it’s time to pay up, big guy. Go ahead and take a bite out of those cookies we left for you by the front door...we dare you.

What You’ll Need: 30-rack of Rolling Rock and a 12-pack of Redd’s Apple Ale (You’ve got to stay festive with the color scheme, right?) Level of Intoxication: Drunk enough to use your baby brother as the angel on top of the tree.

What You’ll Need: 2 eggs, 2 cups chocolate chips, 2 cups flour, ½ teaspoon baking soda, 2 ounces rat poison, ½ teaspoon salt, 1 cup brown sugar, 1 stick butter Fatty Factor: Fat enough to take down the fattest man around.

How to Play: - Find out when your family will begin decorating and start preparing four hours ahead of time. - Turn on TBS and drink every time it comes back from commercial and A Christmas Story is on. - By this point, Lord knows you’re hammered. Stumble upstairs (don’t forget to bring up a box!). - Begin hanging everything with a hook on everyone with a nose. - Shove the stuffed Santa up the chimney, but don’t tell anyone (it will be hilarious when you find it six years later). - Carefully hang all the ornaments on the tree. - Get a 30-foot running start and dive head first into the tree. The Game Ends When: You wake up buried in joyous rubble and with a mistletoe up your butt.

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Let’s Get Baked: - Crack your knuckles and squeeze the eggs over your mixing bowl about as hard as it felt when Santa squeezed the life out of your heart that day. - Pack the brown sugar tightly in your cup with the same aggression that’s been building up inside of you for years every time you think of that pair of socks. - Mix in the baking soda, flour and butter while you think of what it will be like to wake up and find revenge under the tree. - Add the ingredient. Add all of it...just to make sure. - Form your cookies unlike the way your childhood failed to form from the emotional distress that fat bastard caused you and put your cookies in the oven. - Set out the trap cookies and wait for the opportunity to avenge the biggest holiday tragedy of your adolescence. Oh, sorry Santa Claus, does that burn your stomach a bit? We must have left them in the oven for too long.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

What’s the best way for you to

procrastinate for finals week?

A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

The BluzzSheed 5 pieces of coal that don’t give a damn about gender roles

If your New Year’s resolutions were inspirational posters

1) “I like playing Barbies and football.”

“No more one night stands, unless he’s an 8.”

2) “Make yourself a goddamn sandwich.”

3) “Just because my ass looks good does not mean you can catcall me.”

“Starting tomorrow, every time my mom calls me fat she gets one less grandkid.” “I’m finally going to tell my boss to take a stick and shove it up his ass.”

4) “I don’t need to be a woman to enjoy the feel of satin panties on my ass.” 5) “This is a unisex miniskirt.”

“If we’re both still single this time next year let’s just have sex with each other.”

“I’m cutting down on drinking until I can get sloppy off three shots again.”

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

the HOW WILL YOU DRAMATICALLY AVOID FINALS? quiz 1) Boxers or briefs? a) Neither *seductive growl* b) Boxers c) Briefs 2) Harry Potter is…? a) A children’s book. b) Daniel Radcliffe c) The Boy Who Lived 3) What do you name your body parts after? a) Iconic 80s movie villains. b) Twin Cities reggae bands. c) Famous African-American poets. 4) How many cups of coffee have you had? a) Honestly, it’s just a jittery blur. b) Two c) No coffee for me, I take Adderall!

5) How long are your study breaks? a) I take intensive 10-minute naps… like Batman! b) Two hours c) Half an hour

8-13: You’re faking whooping cough: Whooping cough is a strange and dangerous (probably, who knows?) illness. Virus? No one is completely sure on what whooping cough is, so it works perfectly as an excuse. It sounds just like a regular cough but with the added adjective of “whooping,” it sounds like a death sentence.

6) Who would win in a fight between Batman and Captain America? a) Captain America b) Batman c) I have sex regularly.

14-18: You’re faking your death and living a new life in China: You know what’s a really easy name to memorize? Ming. When you light that fake corpse on fire and board that flight to China, just remember that you’re Ming now. Also try not to forget your family and loved ones, but mostly just remember that you’re Ming. 19-24: You’ve chopped off your arm and are spending the rest of the semester in the hospital: Juggling is as overrated as taking finals. The only thing you really need to think about is which hand you masturbate with. So when you’re spending the next two-three months in the hospital just remember everything will probably be all right. Or left. Dealer’s choice.

7) Have you been procrastinating? a) I’m reading The Black Sheep, of course I’m procrastinating. b) Just a bit. c) No. 8) Who shot the sheriff? a) I’m pretty sure it was the deputy. b) Bob Marley c) It was Kennedy on the grassy knoll!

1. A)1, B)3, C)2 ANSWER KEY: 2. A)3, B)1, C)2

3. A)2, B)3, C)1 4. A)1, B)2, C)3

Aron Wolde wrote this

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