The Black Sheep
FRO FREE! M T LIKE HE ICE CATCH BUC ING KET A C CHA OLD LLE NGE .
Volume 7
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 1
Freshman Gopher Sheds Freshmen Lanyard Cora Neisen wrote this
At approximately 10:09p.m. on August 28th, Brian Weston did the most badass thing he’s done since that one time in 2011 when he let Carol Goldberg take a puff of his inhaler before 6th period. Sources close to Weston say he began developing a new-found sense of courage during Welcome Week, presumably giving him the idea to remove his freshman lanyard. It has been speculated that his reckless behavior began when he stole one apple from Centennial Dining Hall on the morning of the 28th. A friend of Weston’s told The Black Sheep that Weston felt “elated” after the incident, and thereby decided to “tear shit up” during the remaining days of Welcome Week. It’s rumored that the following night ended with him vomiting all over his New Balance shoes after he asked if Mesa took Flex Dine. A witness of what will now be known as the “Lanyard Removal Incident of 2014” said that seeing him take off that “necklace of shame” was inspiring for the entire Class of 2018. Bystanders reported that Weston was standing in the bike lane on the north side of The Bridge taking selfies with the skyline in the background when he felt a sudden urge to hurl the lanyard over the side of The Bridge. “I didn’t even really question doing it,” Weston told The Black Sheep after signing autographs outside Middlebrook Hall. “Once the thought occurred to me, I just did it. You know how people say that in the moment, courage just comes to you? I would totally agree with that. It was kinda like when moms lift cars off of their babies in crunch time. I knew it had to be done and I just did it.” He declined to comment on the fact that immediately after throwing his lanyard off the bridge, he was run over by a man on a Fuji and proceeded to army crawl over to the walking lane. While Weston feels empowered, his parents worry this is the beginning of a nasty downward spiral. “First he stopped texting when he safely arrived to all the Welcome Week activities, and now this,” his mother commented. “I knew all those liberals in that big city would do this to him! If this behavior persists, his father and I will have to consider taking him out of school and installing a GPS tracking device in his forearm. I mean before you know it, my precious son is going to be smoking the marijuana and wearing a Support Obamacare button.” “It’s really scary when your son calls home saying he has taken off his freshman lanyard. It just isn’t something a parent wants to hear
PAGE 5 CAMPUS BRACES FOR FRESHMEN TRYING TO PROVE THEY CAN DRINK HANG TIGHT, UPPERCLASSMEN, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
right after move-in,” Weston’s father added. “It really makes you question public schools, and the left-wing propaganda students are being force-fed. We’re definitely more reluctant to allow our younger children to look at state schools for college after hearing of Brian’s alarming escapade.” Sources say that a “spiral to hell” isn’t out of the question, but very
rare, much like finding Rick Santorum and Elton John casually having a beer in Big Ten. “Eventually he will come to terms with the fact that anything more badass than skipping a Psych 1001 lecture and watching it online would cause him to wet his Battlestar Galactica boxers,” his roommate told The Black Sheep. Weston also denied the accusations that he’s beginning a vicious cycle, but did add that he’s toying with the idea of crossing Washington without a walk sign.
PAGE 11
PAGES 12-13
ARE YOU SMARTER THAN?
WHAT DOES YOUR TAILGATING BEVERAGE SAY ABOUT YOU?
JAMES OF BURRITO LOCO KNOWS WHERE IGGY AZALEA HAILS FROM. DO YOU?
DON’T FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS BUT, YES, WE’RE JUDGING YOU.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UMN AUGUST 28th, 2014 - SEPTEMBER 3rd, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
BEAT OUR CAPTION!
TO KILL SOME TIME.
THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!
THE ANGEL MAKER OF ST. PAULIE
“Shore’s 3 miles that way. We’re not heading back until you ink this sex slavery contract.” Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
WORD of the WEEK
GOURMEH A recipe prepared using only non-perishable products.
Karen’s ramen-and-Kraft Single mac n’ cheese gourmeh meal sated her drunk munchies, but made her regret her decisions the next morning.
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. Above is an outline of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Originally gained fame from Toddlers & Tiaras.
2
Lives in McIntyre, Georgia.
3
Introduced terms “neck crust” and “forklift foot.”
# # #
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THE BACK TO SCHOOL MADLIB The alarm on your phone sounds the same, but the sun is in the wrong side of the sky—you’re used to waking up at __1__p.m., just in time to begin sipping __2__ with the __3__ back home. No more, though, you roll out of bed, throw on whatever doesn’t smell like __4__and head out for the first class of the new semester. It’s __5__, right? No, wait, is it __6__? And where the hell is __7__? You’ve been here __8__ years and you’ve never heard of the place. And then, yeah, of course the line for coffee at __9__ is as long as a __10__. Waiting for your __11__, you see __12__, who you used to bang, but totally didn’t call before you unceremoniously left town last spring. You stealthily duck behind a guy wearing a __13__and you go unseen, you glorious bastard. Finally at __14__, you search frantically for Room 225, which, of course is not on the second floor. Stumbling in, smelly, late and hate-filled, you realize that this isn’t __15__ at all, it’s __16__. You stand stunned. Did, you…uh… sign up for this class? The professor stares at you, __17__. Whether this is your class or not, you __18__take a seat in the front row. Sipping your beverage, you silently admit to yourself it’s going to be a long semester.
CLUE BANK 1) Time 2) Delicious summer beverage 3) Slang for “friends” 4) Gross-smelling thing 5) Class you’re taking 6) Another class you’re taking 7) Academic building 8) Number 9) Favorite campus coffee place 10) Long thing 11) Coffee order 12) Person 13) Silly kind of hat 14) Same as 7 15) Same as 6 16) Bad class to take 17) Emotion 18) Embarrassed adverb
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THE TOP TEN Freshmen You Met During UMN Welcome Week Thousands of first-year fledglings from all across the globe infest the UMN campus every August. But without a doubt, these ten freshmen were part of your Welcome Week experience whether you liked it or not. 10) Ms. Idealistic: She was the President of Student Council, a varsity volleyball star, a former child model, or all of the above. During Welcome Week she thought she could maintain her daily 2-hour workout regimen, 100% organic paleo vegan diet, good grades, perfectly organized dorm room, exciting social life, beauty sleep and her sanity during freshman year. Give it two weeks and she’ll be reduced to oversized crewnecks and Papa John’s delivery. 9) Long-distance relationship attempters: A multitude of love-struck freshmen are hopelessly devoted to their high school sweethearts. Instead of attending Welcome Week events, going to parties, exploring campus and downtown, or making new friends, their idea of a good time is locking themselves in their dorm room and making sweet Skype love to their significant other for 4 hours with shitty U of M wifi.
Campus Braces For Wave of Freshmen Trying to Prove They Can Drink David Zirinsky wrote this
As the University of Minnesota semester begins, thousands of freshmen will be joining the university, filling the enrollment gap the graduating class left behind. But sadly these freshmen will not be able to compensate for the one skill every senior (except those social anomalies) had: Drinking mass quantities of liquor that rival the number of women Charlie Sheen has had sex with. While some freshmen interviewed by The Black Sheep expressed “excitement” at the prospect of college, seasoned UMN students wouldn’t mind keeping them locked up until they mentally matured past high school. “Look, after Welcome Week all these freshmen find their way to my house parties. I don’t know who tells them about it, but they find my house,” Dinkytown resident and biology sophomore Mike Livitman said. “They always talk about how they can handle their alcohol then, after literally one beer, they need to call the Gopher Chauffeur.” “Really I feel bad for some of the freshmen who never drank before coming to college. They’re losers now, and in the coming weeks they’ll be drunk losers who can’t handle it,” said Alpha Beta Kappa member Emily Nickson. She appeared resigned to the fact that at some point she might have to come in contact with these students. “These people are such a hassle,” Nick Romeros said, “as a security monitor I’m obliged to report them for drinking, but they act like I’m actually a cop. Sometimes I go along with it and make them buy me donuts.”
“All I want is to find some dank bud and a 12-pack, ya feel me bro? The struggle is real right now.”
But while others wait for the storm to pass, some actively prepare for it. “I just can’t wait to deal with these drunk-as-f*** freshmen,” Community Advisor Yantang Sunn said. “I like to go into their rooms, just because I hear people talking loudly, and freak them out when they have liquor in the room. I just love the feeling of busting their good times, it’s, I mean—gotta get your rocks off somehow.” Yantang later admitted that had she ever had an emotional connection with another human being, she wouldn’t mind the freshmen drinking. Though these young Gophers grouse and prepare, many freshmen suffer the most from their perceived status of being the ultimate lightweights. “I’m just trying to have a good time before school gets serious and I make stupid sexual mistakes I will cringe at later,” Samantha Voneget said, adding, “What sucks is many of my friends don’t have good liquor connections so that’s why we’re always game for shots of Fleischmann’s at parties.” While the campus was readying itself for a bumpy few weeks of the semester, one thing was clear to all. By the time the freshmen graduate from the University of Minnesota they will all be functioning alcoholics. “As long as it’s in college it’s okay, right?” said some drunk passerby.
8) The prospective frat star: He probably sported a “Rush Pike” t-shirt paired with various pastel Chubbies for every night of Welcome Week. He’d stand in the middle of the nighttime Superblock clusterfuck, crank up his backpack speakers, and attempt to lure anything resembling a female to frat row. 7) The sheltered ones: These folks were wide-eyed, modestly dressed, and have a growing collection of friendship bracelets. They especially love small talk and their language is strictly PG. The most scandalous activity they partook in during Welcome Week was Humans vs. Zombies, but they were back in the dorm before 11 so they wouldn’t miss the next day’s scheduled activities. 6) The desperate tag-along: They latched on to one or two friends and then invited themselves to every activity the clinged attended. They didn’t contribute much to any conversation, but somehow they managed to sneak in to every picture taken to ensure to their social media followers that they have friends. 5) The booze supplier: These kids spend family time with their siblings browsing Dinkytown Liquors or wait for a considerate care package from Mankato. For them, it’s a foolproof strategy to buying their friends during Welcome Week. It’s all fun and drinking games for the booze supplier until he gets a minor during the first month of school. 4) The hardcore academic: Some freshmen honors, CSE and CBS students are coming in with enough credits to be an academic junior. They’re more serious about school than most adults are about their jobs. Any conversation you have with them will kill your self-esteem. Your summer accomplishment was completing Gossip Girl; theirs was participating in groundbreaking whale research in New Zealand. 3) The hipsters who don’t identify as hipsters: Sometimes it’s difficult to distinguish between UMN students and the chain-smoking banjo players that lurk through the Washington Avenue Bridge and Dinkytown. Donning Ragstock apparel and beanies, these folks spent their Welcome Week evenings smoking an entire hookah directly outside of Middlebrook. 2) Love-at-first sight couples: She was a Pinterest addict who had her entire wedding planned on her “Special Day” board. He was a haiku poet who knew how to play “I’m Yours” on the guitar. They found love in the Comstock dining hall during orientation when they both reached for the last stale sugar cookie at the same time… and shared it. They’ve already met each other’s parents, moved into each other’s dorms, and exchanged promise rings during an intimate dinner at Loring Pasta Bar. 1) Picture girl: Best steer clear of every girl with a smart phone; they will be documenting every mundane collegiate milestone. As a cautionary measure, here’s a list of everything/everyone picture girl will want to take pictures with: Goldy Statue, Northrop Mall, bridge during the day, bridge at night, roomie, first guy who gives her his number, dorm room, football games, first Coffman Starbucks (Caption: Venti LOL #college!!), first every time before going out, Insomnia, all the girls on her floor, and campus turkeys. Please note that this is only an abbreviated list.
Big Biscuit wrote this
PARTY PICS
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What’s the most college thing you’ve done since you’ve been back on campus? Jansen, Junior
“Took a jog.”
Justin, Grad Student
“Lots of research.”
Kelsey, Senior
“Gone without groceries for two weeks.”
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Freshmen Learn That “Minnesota Nice” is Everywhere Else’s “Passive Aggressive” Aron Wolde Wrote This
As the school year rears her ugly face, many new things arrive at the University of Minnesota: new classes, new poor decisions, new opportunities to get into Nerf gun fights, and most importantly, new Minnesota residents. This year, a record number of out-of-state students have decided to ignore the cold and attend The U. They’ve come from all over: China, Wisconsin, Maine, South Africa, Russia, North Dakota, Portugal, Iowa, and even exotic Canada. And while these newcomers have all been welcomed with open arms, they have also been lulled into a false sense of security. Unemployable history major Edmund Murphy explains that, with his pointless knowledge of events from the past, he has uncovered the origins of “Minnesota Nice”: “It was used as method of torture in Norwegian Viking tribes. Tall, blonde men and women would fight on boats for months at a time. Eventually hatred would turn to sarcasm, and after a time, the sarcasm turned into a makeshift language. Rules were developed and it
would eventually evolve into what we have today.” “Minnesota Nice” is well known around the country. It’s generally associated with a smiling blonde holding beers or a cold man holding a shovel. Unfortunately, outsiders have had to learn the hard way that “Minnesota Nice” is really everywhere else’s passive aggressive. All Minnesotans know that when your neighbor says “How ya doin’?” or “Don’t cha know,” they’re really saying “The hell you want?” or “You basic, bitch.” At first a Minnesotan’s words and phrases can sound endearing, but without a proper understanding of the Minnesotan vernacular, things can get disastrous.
Unfortunately, as a Minnesota native his warnings were misread. “I kept telling him that the ice was ‘thin and crispy,’ he just stared at me like a lunatic. Didn’t stand a chance.” Being from Miami, Michael hadn’t a clue of what this warning meant. “Yeah, they just kept patting my back and shoulders,” explained Michael. “They kept saying ‘you’re so funny, don’t cha know?’ And ‘I never heard that before.’ I thought everything was cool.”
Take Michael Ferdnand’s story, for example. Born in Miami, Michael had no way of knowing about “Minnesota Nice,” so when, in his freshman year, he called the Vikings “sucky,” he could not foresee the coming onslaught from his peers.
But everything wasn’t cool. The patting never stopped that night. “As time went on, people kept on patting and then it started to hurt. I asked them to stop, but they just laughed, some even hugged me around the neck. Like, really tightly.” Michael was patted unconscious that night. He had a broken shoulder blade from back rubs and both his wrists were destroyed from the “friendly” high fives he received.
Alex Trebble, Michael’s roommate, says that he tried to warn his friend to run.
Murphy explained that these attacks have a long history in the Twin Cities. “As
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far back as 1898, out-of-state students have been pleasantly hurt in Minnesota. Police records show that many nonresidents had been poisoned, with the preferred method of a ‘cheerful’ box of chocolates. After many years of work, I have discovered that Minnesotans originally invented death by chocolate.”
This year more and more students will come to our frosted halls and fall prey to our pleasant smiles. So, if you have a friend, a neighbor, a roommate, anyone you care about that isn’t from here, you warn them about the grinning beast inside all Minnesotans, don’t cha know.
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERYDAY: $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs $2 Jager Bombs
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close
Friday! NEW PRIMITIVES W/ FROGLEG
Thursday 8/28
$1 Wells, $2 Fireball, $2 UV Vodka, $2 PBR, $3 Long Islands, $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs $2 Jager Bombs
Karaoke Thursdays! Free Shot When You Sing Karaoke $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 U-Call-It Shots
CHICAGO AFROBEAT PROJECT FEAT. TONY ALLEN
Friday 8/29
$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles $3 Three Olives, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs $2 Jager Bombs
Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas
NEW PRIMITIVES W/ FROGLEG
Saturday 8/30
$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles $3 Bacardi, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs $2 Jager Bombs
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
THE SLAMMING DOORS
Sunday 8/31
Closed
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close
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Monday 9/1
$2 Double Wells $2 Bud light/Budweiser Drafts $5 Bud light/Budweiser Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs
Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!
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Tuesday 9/2
$2 Wells, $2 Drafts $2 Shot of the Week $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs $2 Jager Bombs
Wednesday 9/3
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings, $1.50 High Life $2 Flavored LITs $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs $2 Jager Bombs
Birthday Karaoke Night!
Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)
$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints
Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM; 2-4-1 drinks: 4 PM-close; Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks
Check out our website for more info! www.cabooze.com
Check out our website for more info! www.cabooze.com
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid Monday-Thursday: Happy Hour 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight with half price select appetizers and flatbreads, $2 select drinks, $2 select beers, 1/2 price bottles of wine
SUNDAY: Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!
SUNDAY! Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!
Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf
SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Hour 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight with half price select appetizers and flatbreads, $2 select drinks, $2 select beers, 1/2 price bottles of wine
Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover
Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am
No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan 9 & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight
Thursday 8/28
Happy Hour 3-6pm with half price select appetizers and flatbreads, $2 select drinks, $2 select beers, 1/2 price bottles of wine
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles 7pm-Close
Friday 8/29
$10 bottomless bloody marys and screwdrivers 10am-noon Happy Hour 3-6pm with half price select appetizers and flatbreads, and great drink specials!
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!
Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf
Saturday 8/30
$10 bottomless bloody marys and screwdrivers 10am-noon Happy Hour 3-6pm with half price select appetizers and flatbreads, and great drink specials!
Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!
Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!
Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close
Sunday 8/31
$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight with half price select appetizers and flatbreads, $2 select drinks, $2 select beers, 1/2 price bottles of wine
College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!
NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, Karaoke: 10pm - 2am
Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close
Monday 9/1
Twins game day! Starting an hour before and running until an hour after the game get $3 Bud, Bud Light, Mich Golden and $5 buckets of 2lbs of bonein wings HH 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight
Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!
18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am
No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close
Tuesday 9/2
1/2 lb. Burgers All Day! Twins game day! Starting an hour before and running until an hour after the game get $3 Bud, Bud Light, Mich Golden and $5 buckets of 2lbs of bone-in wing
Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies
18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!
Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, 43 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight
Wednesday 9/3
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ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 1) Junk Food: 7-Eleven recently rolled out a “Loaded” variety of this junk food item.
comedy grossed almost $200 million from the box office?
2) Geography: The much-contested Crimean Peninsula is located on what body of water?
7) Snakes: Eunectes murinus, the heaviest snake in the world, is more commonly known as this.
3) Currency: What two enemy countries both use the rupee as their currency? 4) Math: What is 8 x 7 + 18 – 26 / 4? 5) Summer Music: Queen of the Summer Iggy Azalea hails from this country.
10) Language Language: The Latin “ad hominem” literally translates to this.
James’ Answers
Correct Answers
1) Slushies 2) The Indian Ocean 3) India and Pakistan 4) 12 5) Australia 6) Let’s Be Cops 7) Boa Constrictor 8) Oh 9) Matthews, Mark, Luke and John 10) “To the Man”
1) Doritos 2) The Black Sea 3) India and Pakistan 4) 12 5) Australia 6) 22 Jump Street 7) Anaconda 8) Coco Chanel 9) Matthew, Mark, Luke and John 10) “To the man”
1 of out
JAMES of BURRITO LOCO
THE DRINKING GAME SLURRED SYLLABUS It may be time to start school again...but in the same breath, it’s always time to tackle a handle of whiskey on your own. Everyone and their mother knows you’re never going to read your syllabus until you need to prove your professor wrong, so we thought you could use some motivation. Saddle up for what’s left of Syllabus Week with us and take a whack at our syllabus challenge: What You’ll Need: A copy of your syllabus (c’mon, you can find it!), and a handle of whiskey. Number of Players: Just yourself, brother. Level of Intoxication: Enough to turn Syllabus Week into Syllabus Month. How to Play: This game is
short, but it requires you to go all-in. You’ll need to read through your syllabus and take a stiff drink every time one of the following things happens. Drink When: - One of your required texts cost more money than you make in a semester. - You finally muster up the courage to buy a book for class and find out it’s the wrong edition. - Your professor’s name has no vowels. - You have to look up the building where your class is, fully knowing you’ll never see the inside anyway. - You read about the university’s cheating policy and briefly consider morals before concluding: “Fuck it.” - The professor requires you
to attend every lecture and discussion section, despite how many Irish car-bombs you did with that fat homeless dude outside of the bar. - You try to count how many assignments you have throughout the semester for each class when your eyes roll back into your head, and somehow you end up on YouTube watching replays from the VMAs and you’re back to square one. *Drink in Celebration and You Win the Game If: You get lucky as SHIT and all of your midterms are “takehome tests.” THERE IS A GOD. The Game Ends When: You finally blossom into the true alcoholic you are and must drop out of the university to get some help.
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9) Religion: There are four Canonical Gospels in the New Testament, name them.
6) Summer Movies: What 2014 buddy cop
0
E: 5 R SCO
8) Fashion: What fashion house’s signature symbol is two interlocking C’s?
RECIPE FOR DISASTER THE “OH S***, I FORGOT HOW TO COOK” STIR-FRY Welcome back to school! You’ve spent the past three months receiving home-cooked meals from mommy and daddy, but now it’s time to get a nice, fresh slap in the face from reality: It’s time to start cooking for yourself again. This is always a difficult transition for any college student, but we’re here to help with some homemade stir fry. What You’ll Need: WHATEVER IS EDIBLE AND WITHIN 20 FEET. What We Used: 2 packages of ramen noodles, ½ lbs. of ground beef, 2 cups of rice, all the broccoli from a HungryMan TV Dinner. Fatty Factor: Write your will now, who knows if you’ll make it out of this one alive. Let’s Get Baked: - Start by heating up your stove-top pan.
- Once you realized you forgot to defrost the meat, put a large cup of water in the microwave for two minutes and place the meat inside the cup to defrost within minutes. Problem solved. - Take your half-cooked meat and flop it on your lukewarm pan. Let it simmer for about six minutes. - MULTI-TASK: Cook your rice in the microwave (you can even use the same cup of water to save time) while your meat cooks on the stove. - You’ll want to begin cooking your ramen noodles in a pot next to your pan. Let the noodles boil for about three minutes and then drain the water from the noodles. - Using the same pot, put your broccoli from your Hungry-Man box in and boil until cooked to a desirable texture.
- By this point your meat should be done on the stove-top, place everything in a bowl and stir wildly with a large spoon. - You’ll want to dump as much salt on this as possible. It will both protect you from any errors in cooking by masking the taste, as well as soaking up any extra water that may have not been fully drained. - Before you eat, make sure there’s someone to supervise you while you consume your dinner. You may need someone there to call 9-1-1. Without mom and dad around, things can get pretty tough. But with cooking tips like these, you’ll find it easy to fend for yourself without your parents guiding hand. Just remember: Cooking’s not difficult, it’s all about your perspective on the final product.
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
What Does Your Tailgating Beverage
Say About You? By: Brendan With the college football season finally here, college students the country over will be setting up folding tables, collapsible pavilions, and coolers of ice-cold drinks to tailgate before they take in an amazing victory against formidable opponents or a shameful defeat against some guys who totally cheated. But, most importantly, there will be drinks. So many drinks. Drinks of all varieties, colors and flavors. So, what do you drink when you’re tailgating, and more importantly, what does that say about you?
Tailgating Beverages
Drink: Keystone Light Class of Crap: The Cheapest Generic Cans Around Generic Personality Stereotype: Standard College Student Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Then my mom was like, ‘Justin, you have to get a job if you’re going to be spending all of this money going out each week, your father and I can’t afford all of this, he sold that Corvette for you to go here and that was his prized possession.’ I was all, ‘but mom, I’m taking 16 credit hours this semester, and then I’m the treasurer of my frat and if I’m studying too that’s another 16 hours a week—total lie, by the way—and that’s like 40 hours. If college is preparing me for working in the real world shouldn’t I be working like 40 hours a week, LIKE I AM, MOM?’ She cried a little bit, but hey, afterward she put $200 into my account and yeah, that’s how I got this case.”
Drink: Budweiser Class of Crap: Dad’s Coming to Visit, and He’s Bringing His Friend Bud Generic Personality Stereotype: Football Fanatic Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Yeah, I went to my first game here back in ’97 when we were ranked and we had those national title hopes. Dad brought me when mom was still around. Now that he lives out of state these games are a real bonding session for us. He let me have my first beer here when I was twelve as long as I promised not to tell mom that he’d let me do it. It bums me out sometimes when he brings his new wife Karen and it’s less of a him-and-me thing, but he’ll always bring a case of the good stuff so we can drink and talk about the old times and stuff. Karen doesn’t understand a lot of those stories, but she’s deaf in one ear from spending all that time on the road with Def Leppard, so maybe she just doesn’t hear the good parts.”
Drink: Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA
Drink: Yellowtail Shiraz
Class of Crap: What Are We Even Doing at This Game, Liam?
Class of Crap: High-Octane Fun Juice
Generic Personality Stereotype: Prefers European Football
Generic Personality Stereotype: Sorority Super-Senior
Thirty Seconds With this Person: “And this is just something most university kids over here do, right? That’s neat, I guess. Back overseas we do a similar thing with our football—hah, you chaps have it all wrong, you know that right?—but it’s all about club stuff. We’ll get pretty on the piss and just holler at the other fans until we’re hoarse. You guys, we saw a kid with, Liam, what is it called, a ‘beer bong?’ A novelty, certainly. The guy doing it, though, he spit out half of his beer! This one, this beer was $4 just for a single one, but I do suppose that entire 30-pack of beer was something like, $12, aye?”
Drink: Whiskey and Coke Class of Crap: Beer is Gross, but Drinking Outside is Fun. Generic Personality Stereotype: Yet-to-beIndoctrinated Freshman Thirty Seconds With this Person: “College, bro! College! Can you believe this shit? Like, I haven’t talked to my parents in two weeks and that kid over there is drinking in public and that kid over there is drinking in public and that kid over there is drinking in public and it’s like, HOLY CRAP! Don’t tell anyone, but there’s some Jack in this Coke—my roommate’s older sister got it for us. I figured, man, beer is way too bitter for me and I wanna keep this buzz I got on the DL in case the cops come by. Brian’s around here somewhere with an empty water bottle filled with the rest of our bottle, we’re gonna try to sneak it into the game so we can keep drinking. Can you believe this? THIS IS COLLEGE-- I LOVE COLLEGE.”
Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Seeing all those little froshies rushing was just like, ‘hand over the red and the white,’ you know? They were so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and I’m walking in the back door of the house five minutes late reeking of Marlboro Lights and Kevin’s body wash. Another year of that shit, so when this tailgate came up I was like, ‘Yes, get me out of that world for like, fifteen minutes.’ Actually, I’m pretty done with this whole college thing—I wish I woulda just come in as a comm. major, but my parents really pushed me to do pre-med and now all I really know is that I better get a job in New York, or the cirrhosis of this liver is happening sooner rather than later.”
Drink: Smirnoff Iced Cake Class of Crap: Who Cares About the Game? Generic Personality Stereotype: Shit-Show Showoff Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Listen, I don’t want to throw up now, but I definitely plan on throwing up later. Hey, wait is that Brianna over there? Hold on a sec—Brianna…BRIANNA! HEY BETCH HOW YOU DOIN’? Wanna take a pull of this Smirnoff? No? You’re good? Ok, but I’m gonna do one real quick here. ::takes huge pull:: Anyway, yeah, I mean what’s the point of getting up at 7:30a.m. if I can’t just get a quick vom sesh in, bomb out during this boringas-hell game, then do it all again later, right? ::burps:: Ew, that one was a little pukey, doesn’t mix with cake at all. Who are we playing today, the Touchdowns or something?”
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