Minnesota - Issue 2 - 9/4/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

FR COU EE! LI SIN KE Y ’S B OUR UDD RO Y’S OMM NEW AT ALB E’S UM .

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Volume 7

Issue 2

The Scoring on Campus Challenge Aron Wolde wrote this Public hook-ups have always been a challenge, but for those who live on the edge it’s also an irreplaceable thrill. Imagine the risk of streaking with the strategic planning of chess, add the real world consequences of being caught, and you’ll find you have the perfect aphrodisiac. So you best bring some condoms and some good running shoes because the following is a list of the hard places to get it hard on campus.

Lind Hall

Challenge level: Easy Lind is a small building, but despite this it always has empty rooms. English majors have been using the spare spaces to “study” for a long while. Some have even been using the rooms for their alleged anatomy homework. Sure beats reading Chaucer; you know we’re right.

Walter Library

Challenge level: Medium Walter Library’s bottom level is a cornucopia of secluded spots for hanky panky. The bottom floor contains a very specific set of books that most students don’t read. Rows upon rows of bookshelves remain unseen for hours at a time. With a multitude of bookshelves and sturdy chairs, many students have attempted an erotic extracurricular here. The challenge is the students and faculty walking in on the act. Walter library isn’t filled with passive CLA students or illiterate Carlson jocks; it’s filled to the brim with CSE and CBS geniuses and vigilant library staff. These people get a hard-on for learning. So if you think your flesh-colored bookmark is safe in the Historical Irrigation section, think again. Civil Engineering majors live for that crap.

Anderson Hall

Challenge level: High In the 90s students, faculty, and even normal citizens often used the spot for hooking up. Unfortunately, the administration quickly caught wind of this and had the place regularly checked by the police. It still happens to this day. Cops will walk up to young men and women and give them a quick up-down so they can’t give each other quick up-downs. They’ll frisk you so you don’t get frisky, they’ll use the full extent of the penal code so you can’t do the same. So if you’re ever in Anderson, a little nostalgic and horny, give it a shot.

Science Teaching & Student Services

Challenge level: Super High Along with Coffman, the STSS building is a place every student has walked through at least once. It’s always busy. Between classes, financial services, and academic counseling students run in and out of that

PAGE 4 UMN STUDENT REFUSES ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE FACES CHILLY CONSEQUENCES, ANGER, YELLING, THE WORKS.

place all the time. You can’t bust a move if you’ve got pedestrians walking right through, trying to resubmit their financial aid and changing majors. Can you imagine getting it on while some freshman panics about a scheduling error? If you’re going to pull something off there, you’re going to have to make it a quickie, and by quickie we mean a wink and a tug.

Rarig’s Pit

Challenge: Super Insanely High No, just no. People have been trying this for years. It’s practically impossible. With an array of sofas, pillows, chairs, and weird ottomans people

PAGE 7

think this would a good place to do it. It’s not. You can’t go two minutes down there without a theatre major practicing a monologue or working on a dance routine. If you’re going to do this, try lying and calling it extreme performance art. What’s worse, if they end up believing you, you’d better prepare yourself for a lot of pretentious critiques. The challenges in this list are not for the faint of heart. No softies, both literally and figuratively. So if you’ve got the skills to pay the bills, the gall for a public booty call, a clitoris that’s ubiquitous, the morals for some public orals, and possibly a map, then you may proceed with getting it on. But don’t forget, the challenge doesn’t count if you don’t finish.

PAGES 12-13

HERO CA BREAKS MINNESOTA RECORD

WE INTERVIEW: MIKE BIRBIGLIA

ONE MINNESOTA STUDENT TAKES “A-HOLE CA” TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

OUR CHAT WITH THE COMEDIAN AND STAR OF SLEEPWALK WITH ME.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Mackenzie Harding

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BEAT OUR CAPTION!

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THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

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WORD of the WEEK

FLUORESCENTED Any person or object so strongly reeking of artificial smell that it makes one’s eyes water. After Tommy hotboxed his bathroom with Axe body spray he was so fluorescented three women were later admitted to the ER with lung infections.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. Above is an outline of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Has a young daughter named Sophie Laurent.

Released an album, My Teenage Dream Ended.

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Walmart Express Soon to Open in Como Cora Neisen wrote this

With lots of positive feedback surrounding the new Target Express in Dinkytown, Walmart has recently announced plans to open a Walmart Express in Como. Students gave largely positive reviews of the new Target, located on 5th and 14th. “There really was nowhere to get groceries anywhere within a 5-mile radius of the U, so I would go as far to say this is the best thing that happened to Dinkytown since Mesa,” junior economics major Ben Harold told The Black Sheep. Not to be outdone, Walmart said they will begin construction on 16th and Como in November. Unlike the Target Express, Walmart will not be located under a new luxury apartment, but instead on top of the gas station currently inhabiting the lot. While the new Target adds to the college-town feel of Dinkytown, critics say Walmart will only add to the industrial, foreboding feel of the neighborhood just north of Dinky. Therefore, it’s anticipated that the Walmart won’t attract college students. The projected constituency will consist of the man living in Van Cleve Park with a butt crack tattooed on his lower back, the old grandma that refuses to move out of her house even though it smells like moth balls and poop, and the ultimate super senior that still thinks Eisenhower is President. “I think we can all agree that no matter the location, Walmart somehow attracts the weirdest, most interesting, and most frightening people…it’s like a little Gathering of the Juggalos, but with more inbred destitution. It’ll be huge,” sophomore marketing major Alice Greensvold projected.

Walmart has assured customers that they will still receive cheap, poorly-assembled goods from sweat shops in Asia, though, not all products found in a regular Walmart will be able to be found in Walmart Express. A PR rep for Walmart was adamant that Walmart Express will still supply wolf t-shirts and Velcro shoes. “I think having this store in Como is really going to be a great asset. There’s nothing more pressing than having a place to supply not only animal shirts and Velcro shoes, but also elastic pants and XXXXXL underwear,” a man with macaroni taped to his face as a mustache told The Black Sheep. “I find that those commodities aren’t placed at a high enough value in this part of town.” The PR rep added that they are planning to supply motorized carts, as they expect to attract all persons over 400 pounds in the 10mile vicinity. While Minneapolis prides itself on being an extremely fit and active city, it’s predicted that the 15% of citizens who haven’t worked out a day in their life will all attend this store. Because of that, she added that Walmart is playing with the idea of getting rid of the produce section entirely, and replacing it with a welcoming display of chips, cookies, and fried foods. While Walmart declined to comment on the issue, rumors are circulating that Walmart Express employees won’t receive benefits, nor holiday breaks. As with the promise to keep the merchandise the same as other stores, treatment of employees is expected to stay the same as well. More information will be released as the ground-breaking approaches.

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CURRENT EVENTS

UMN Student Who Refuses Ice Bucket Challenge Faces Chilly Consequences Big Biscuit wrote this

THE TOP TEN Reasons You’re Struggling During Syllabus Week For the most part, college is challenging, but anyone can get through Syllabus Week. It takes no talent to watch your professor outline what the class will be about. Well, anyone except that one “exceptionally not talented kid” you know. Here are the top 10 reasons why your “friend” struggled to pass Syllabus Week this year.

The Ice Bucket Challenge has taken America by storm. Facebook users report not being able to scroll down their Newsfeed without seeing a new Ice Bucket Challenge video with every refresh. When Lucas Oakwood was nominated via Facebook video by one of his friends to take on the Ice Bucket Challenge, he did the impossible. Oakwood’s nominator was his close friend and fellow UMN student, Derek Dykstra. In Dykstra’s elaborate Ice Bucket Challenge, he was suspended from a lawn chair over an aboveground pool filled completely with ice. In his video, he nominated two other victims along with Oakwood, and quickly mumbled some gibberish about ALS as two of his brotank-clad friends shoved the lawn chair into the icy pool. Once Derek emerged from the ice, the boys began chanting, “USA! USA! USA!” because that somehow relates to this “noble” act of charity. But Oakwood did not join the crowd. “No thanks,” he commented on the video. “I’ll donate instead.” This stark refusal sparked a flurry of enraged comments from both Oakwood and Dykstra’s Facebook friends, who were appalled by Oakwood’s response. “Whaaaaatt? You can’t not do the Ice Bucket Challenge,” commented Oakwood’s brother, Toby Oakwood, as he passively scrolled his Newsfeed on the toilet. “Classic Luke,” commented Henry Fueller, a guy from Oakwood’s Psych 1001 class who Oakwood secretly hated.

“LUCAS!!!!! EVEN I DID THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE!” commented Oakwood’s 73year old grandma. But the harassment wasn’t limited to cyberspace. His friends slowly began to avoid him. Occasionally, while eating dinner at Centennial, ice cubes were thrown at his head. Oakwood told us that while walking to his dorm, fellow students would tauntingly whisper “Ice, Ice, Baby” whenever he passed. Similar acts of harassment continued until one day, the passionate Ice Bucket participants decided to take out their victim. Dykstra’s friends had carefully plotted their revenge. That night, while Oakwood was walking home after a long shift at Big Al’s, he was cornered behind the Rec Center by Dykstra’s sidekicks, blindfolded, and tossed into Dykstra’s car. Oakwood was dragged to the top of Coffman where almost all of Dykstra’s 800 Facebook friends stood below chanting “Ice Luke” over and over again. Oakwood’s k idnappers handcuffed his hands behind his back and then dumped 10 buckets of ice on top of him as the audience cheered. Dykstra, who had been hosting the ceremony with a megaphone, was about to ask Oakwood whom he wanted to nominate when the UMPD showed up and

the witnesses scattered. The UMPD brought Oakwood, Dykstra, and Dykstra’s assistants down from the roof. “All I d-d-d-did was say I’d donate instead,” stuttered Oakwood, whose teeth were chattering feverishly from the pounds of ice dumped onto his unprepared body. However, when Dykstra was questioned, he did not apologize. “Turning down the Ice Bucket Challenge is the ultimate act of betrayal. Everyone does it. And I mean, it raises awareness for the Animal Lovers Society. It’s for the puppies, am I right?” T h e U M P D i n fo r m e d Dykstra that ALS stands for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, not the Animal Lovers Society, to Dykstra’s shock. “I would donate, but I can’t afford to,” Dykstra continued. “I have to pay for tuition and weed…but mostly tuition. I do it to raise awareness. People who are more financially stable than me can donate,” he explained as he adjusted his Oakley sunglasses and his Vineyard Vines polo. The UMPD released Dykstra and his comrades shortly thereafter, and quickly checked their Facebook notifications to make sure they hadn’t been nominated for the Ice Bucket Challenge as well.

10.) An error in the admission process: One person in the admissions office was up late at night. They just happened to realize this person would be paying full out-of-state tuition for a Judaic Studies degree. The admissions councilor conveniently forgot about the whole “need blind admissions.” This person’s academic struggles, in even the most basic situations, are absurd. Money talks. 9.) They inherited the worst of both stereotypes: Jocks party all day don’t do school work? Nerds get good degrees but don’t have fun? Sadly this guy has the worst of both worlds, not doing jack and not being the sharpest tool in the shed. No one knows what he does with his time, but even playing League of Legends would be better. 8.) They will take a month to move into their apartment: Yeah, It’s a slow move-in process. 7.) Schools supplies cost too much: Your friend is too cheap to buy a notebook and a pencil, much less several textbooks. Mooching free printer paper can only go on for so long, and it seems this guy didn’t write down that he needed to bring his notebook to class. He’ll probably flunk the first assignment: finding a fun fact about himself. 6.) Not showing up to the only class that requires you to show up for the first day: This boner will be enjoying Netflix in his apartment instead of in class, like the rest of us do. His by-the-book professor will gladly give their spot to some desperate freshman. That’s going to put a damper on their credit load and their registration shenanigans. Better luck next time! 5.) There will be some extenuating medical circumstance: You can still get a really bad cold in the summer, right? Doesn’t matter exactly what the disease is, your friend will really struggle in class due to the “illness.” 4.) Their sham student group needs them: Honestly, if the Juggling Club was facing some tough times you’d skip class, right? With winter coming, Welcome Week is their one chance to make a public spectacle of themselves Whatever their student group is, it’s more important than classes, because their homies are “counting on them.” 3.) They complain that Syllabus Week is too hard: This person is in for a treat when the professor stops talking about the class and actually talks about the subject. Coloring in the lines on a map with crayons in Geography 1001 will require all the mental capabilities they’ve got. Kindergarten just doesn’t prepare kids for college the way it used to. 2.) The syllabus is written in another language: This person has taken a language class way above their level, and already they’re seeing some red flags. They didn’t know Russian was written in a different alphabet. The syllabus is the least of their worries. 1.) Freshmen Fever: Sometimes people forget that they aren’t taking 1000 level classes anymore (Though your friend might still be trying to pass them). This person will be socializing as much as possible, without realizing they’ve already been in college for two years. But hey, at least they won’t carry their Welcome Week bag around with them. With all the “socializing” they’re attempting, they won’t have the 30 minutes to write their name on an assignment. David Zirinsky wrote this

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ON THE STREETS What’s the most regrettable thing you’ve done since you’ve been back at school? Hailey

“I ran into a freshman while he was on the phone. He was yelling at someone and it was sad and awkward. “

Bill

“The day I did my orientation, I couldn’t hear very well. So I ended up getting lost and missing the whole thing.”

Vanessa

“I have gotten unbelievably lost in the Gopher Way. So lost, hours of my life have been spent down there.”

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Hero CA Breaks UMN Record Black Sheep Staff wrote this When Derek Nussbaum first heard of the opportunity to become a Community Advisor, he was astounded that such a prestigious honor would ever be placed in the hands of essentially anyone who applied. In fact, fearing he was not up to the task, he initially decided not to apply for the position at all. However, after being assured it was “really easy” and that “anyone could do it,” Nussbaum eventually relented and accepted a position in Frontier Hall. “It’s an honor and a privilege to accept this position,” said Nussbaum at an entirely empty press conference where he used an upside down tennis racket for a microphone. “And I vow to never dishonor the coveted tradition of service, or break the sacred code of CAs,” a code which is, of course, fictitious. After a summer of intense training for his upcoming task, Nussbaum was finally ready to undertake life’s most difficult challenge. Despite his vast preparations, Nussbaum was admittedly nervous for his first day on the job. “I just don’t want to let anybody down,”

said Nussbaum. “My father before me was an CA, and his father before him, so if I fail, it will put dishonor on the Nussbaum name.” Nevertheless, Nussbaum took to it like a chimp to throwing feces, attacking residents with the voracity of an angry rhinoceros. On only his first night as CA, Nussbaum wrote up fifteen residents for failing to attend the first hall meeting, which took place at 11p.m. on Saturday night of move-in day. It wasn’t long before the miscreants of the hall struck again. “I was patrolling the halls at 10:01 on Sunday for my first of seven hourly patrols when I heard a faint sound,” said Nussbaum. “After pressing my ear up to the door for five or six minutes, I finally heard the deplorable sound of laughter and had no choice but to act. I entered the room to find the perpetrator of this heinous atrocity, sitting, watching television alone. He pleaded for me to not write him up, but quiet hours start at 10:00 p.m., and it was 10:06 when I heard him make a sound. It may sound harsh, but it’s the

rules. Some people were trying to study. The start of classes was only three days away.” However, it wasn’t until the following night that Nussbaum achieved his greatest citing to date. At reportedly around three in the morning, Nussbaum, making one of his endless nightly patrols, heard an unmistakable moan a few doors away. Instinctively, Nussbaum sprang into action, barging through the door to find two students nude and in bed together. “It’s just reprehensible and disgusting behavior,” said Nussbaum. “To think that two people would be doing that in my building. I mean, visiting hours are over at midnight on weekdays, and it was after 3a.m. Plus, the female nonresident hadn’t even been checked in at the front desk.” By the end of the week, Nussbaum had compiled a total of 146 citations, shattering the previous record of 5. In fact, Nussbaum even wrote himself two citations over the record setting week. Once for accidentally flipping off his

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“Nussbaum even wrote himself two citations over the record setting week.” light switch four seconds after the start of quiet hours, and another for getting a couple drops of urine on the toilet seat of the communal bathrooms. Of course, they say no good deed goes unpunished. Since his heroic first week on the job, Nussbaum has reportedly been asked by cowardly Resident

Director Shauna Bowers to settle down with the citations. “He’s been writing up over a dozen students a day,” said Bowers. “And I can’t for the life of me figure out why.” “ Why?” asked Nussbaum when approached with this quote. “Because I’m the gosh darn CA, that’s why.”

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Thursday 9/4

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Friday 9/5

$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles $3 Three Olives, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs $2 Jager Bombs

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

Cabooze & The Hideaway Presents: Back To School SMOKE OUT: Featuring Blue Felix w/ Smiling Politely, City of the Weak, Whither the Tide, Black Flood Diesel & A Sound Theory Blue Felix Waterpipes to the first 100! Doors 9:00 PM, Music 10:00 PM, Age 18+ $5 Cover at the door

Saturday 9/6

$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles $3 Bacardi, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs $2 Jager Bombs

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

Studiiyo23 Bigger Than Kings Presents: Mr. Vegas LIVE Doors 9:00 PM, Music 10:00 PM, Age 18+ Advance: $20.00, Door $25.00

Sunday 9/7

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Monday 9/8

$2 Double Wells $2 Bud light/Budweiser Drafts $5 Bud light/Budweiser Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs

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Tuesday 9/9

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Wednesday 9/10

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings, $1.50 High Life $2 Flavored LITs $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs $2 Jager Bombs

Birthday Karaoke Night!

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

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Soap w/ Zeta June Doors 9:00 PM, Music 10:00 PM, Age 18+ Cover $5.00 $3.00 Rail Drinks and Tall Boy Cans 2-4-1 Cover w College ID

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The Bar Grid Monday-Thursday: Happy Hour 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight with half price select appetizers and flatbreads, $2 select drinks, $2 select beers, 1/2 price bottles of wine

SUNDAY: Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

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SPECIAL NIGHT

Twins Food & Beer Specials Happy Hour 3-6pm and 10pmMidnight, 1/2 price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan 9 & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight

Thursday 9/4

Twins Food & Beer Specials Happy Hour 3-6pm

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles 7pm-Close

Friday 9/5

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Twins Food & Beer Specials Happy Hour 3-6pm

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Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

Saturday 9/6

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Twins Food & Beer Specials Happy Hour 3-6pm

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close

Sunday 9/7

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6pm and 10pm-Midnight

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Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

Monday 9/8

Taco Tuesday Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6pm and 10pm-Midnight

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

Tuesday 9/9

$2 1/2 lb. Burgers All Day! Happy Hour 3-6pm and 10pm-Midnight

Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, 43 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

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ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 1) Science: What unit of energy is named after an English scientist who studied the relationship between heat and mechanical work? 2) Music: What Usher and Lil Jon song topped the 2004 Billboard Hot 100 chart? 3) American Politics: Who was the first woman to represent a Vice Presidential candidate for a major political party? 4) Time: How many days are there in a fortnight?

E: 6 R SCO

1 of out

SARAH, UMN WELCOME WEEK LEADER

THE DRINKING GAME KARIO MART: SELECT YOUR DRINKER We all know the basics of the Mario Kart drinking game, but any seasoned Mario Kart player knows that there’s an element of strategy outside of being the lucky sonofabitch who scores a blue shell. In this rendition, the character you select will directly impact your impairment (so listen up, try-hard Toad drivers). What You’ll Need: A copy of Mario Kart, 4 controllers, beer or liquor of choice depending on how fast you want to end this train wreck. OPTIONAL: A designated refiller to prevent “I’m gonna sit this one out” syndrome. Number of Players: 2+, or more if you’re doing it LAN party-style, in which case you probably don’t go to bars anyway. Level of Intoxication: “Mamma mia! I haven’t been this fucked up since taking my first Super Mushroom in World 1-1!” How to Play: The same Mario Kart drinking game rules you

know and love apply. Players must finish their drinks before finishing the race, and they may only drink when at a complete stop. The last player to finish must chug a whole second drink before the next race, or the 1st place player may designate the drink to whomever. The following additional rules must be done as well, and failure to comply results in the refilling of a drink mid-race. Character Legend: Mario: Player must shout “Mamma mia!” after being hit by an item or spinning out. Luigi: Player must “bunny hop,” or hop obsessively without stopping during the race (if you can correctly guess why this is, we’ll send you a koozie). Peach: Player must sit on the lap of whoever is playing as any of the following: Mario, Luigi, D.K., or Bowser. Double or tripling up on laps is encouraged. Toad: Player must speak in Toad’s high-pitched, cringeinducing voice throughout

the entire game (that’s what you get for taking a cart racing game so seriously, asshole). Yoshi: Player must stick out their tongue during every drink. This one might get messy. D.K.: Player must make the most obnoxious gorilla sounds possible/beat on chest if anyone obtains banana peels. Wario: Player must make sure that at least one hand is constantly pulling their own fake/ real moustache throughout the race. Bowser: Player must do a shot of Fireball at the start and end of every race. If no Fireball is available, just shout alongside Bowser’s gargling roar whenever he yells. The Game Ends When: Any of the following situations occur: The loser that everyone picked on is blacked out, the bars begin calling your names, someone questions the ethical repercussions of Nintendo’s use of Italian stereotypes in their mascots.

5) State Mottos: What state’s motto is “Mountaineers are always free”? 6) Cartoons: What cartoon features children Tina, Gene and Louise? 7) Fruit: A prune is what dried fruit? 8) Airlines: What Dallas-based airline is the world’s largest low-cost carrier? 9) Computers: A gigabyte is approximately how many megabytes? 10) Geography: Death Valley is located in what US state?

Sarah’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Joule 2) “Yeah!” 3) Condoleezza Rice 4) Fourteen 5) Montana 6) Teen Titans 7) Plum 8) Spirit Airlines 9) 1024 10) California

1) Joule 2) “Yeah!” 3) Geraldine Ferraro 4) Fourteen 5) West Virgina 6) Bob’s Burgers 7) Plum 8) Southwest 9) 1000 or 1024 10) California

RECIPE FOR DISASTER FRANKENSTEIN LEFTOVERS Even if you’re a complete and total recluse, it’s a given that you’ve soaked up a doctor’s recommended amount of greasiness from campus’ non-franchised, local drunk food offerings. Hell, these All-American, deep fried creations are so good that you’ve probably amassed a bomb shelter-tier selection of them in the form of leftovers from Thirsty Thursday’s past. But spending $7-10 a pop on late night cravings is a lot of money to spend, so if you want the most bang for your inebriated buck, The Black Sheep is offering a creative way to ingest the last of what’s kicking up orders in your fridge… so you’ll have room for more. What You’ll Need: (Ingredients will vary, but you’ll likely have) Half of a large cheese pizza, fries, 1 ½ chicken strips, a gyro with only a few bites in it, cheese sauce, not-so-loaded-anymore nachos, a multi-pattied cheeseburger (Philly cheesesteakstyled), brown chicken (once orange chicken), marinara-soaked stale mozzarella sticks, an oven

or microwave (if you’re daring), and some incredibly forgiving roommates. Fatty Factor: …You’re joking, right? Let’s Get Baked: - If using an oven, begin preheating to 350 degrees, or whatever the nearest empty frozen pizza box recommends. - Unload what’s left of the pizza onto the preparation area. This will serve as the base of your Frankenstein food monster. - Take the meatier, ground beef parts of your leftovers and cut them into smaller, sausage-like bits to cover the entire area of the pizza. - Crack open the mozzarella sticks in order to coat the cheese over any parts of the meat that are uncovered. This will act as a great way to embed the meat within the pizza’s cheese. - If you really want to abuse the definition of “meat lovers,” add the chicken to the pizza instead of saving it for dipping sauces. - Scatter the smaller, non-meat foods for extra flavoring. Don’t

be afraid to get creative by making faces with the fries and nachos. - Drizzle the cheese sauce/whatever dipping sauces you have to your liking on the pizza. Make sure you hit those hard-to-reach places that haven’t been hit by the cultural wave of grease yet. - Place the Frankenpizza in the oven and base its readiness on the browning (or blackening) of the crust. If using a microwave, be extremely diligent in making sure nothing explodes in hot, cheesy goodness. - Once cooked to your liking, let it sit for a few minutes to cool off before gorging. - For best eating results, get drunk… fast. For the wasteful moneybags who’ll find it far simpler to toss their precious leftovers in favor of just getting something more fresh, for shame. There are starving vegans in liberal arts colleges out there who would kill to break their code and dive into the mounds of grease that you’re wasting.

the black sheep interviews:

mike Birbiglia Logan wrote this

Mike Birbiglia needs no introduction. The stand-up comedian and writer-director-star-of Sleepwalk With Me, is currently touring nationally.

the interview: mike birbiglia

TBS: Is it as good as the stained glass one? Mike: Haha! I think it’s on the same level as the stained glass one; it’s in the ballpark for sure. Are you on Twitter right now? TBS: Logging in as we speak. Mike: Hahaha! If you’ve heard the story I did on “This American Life” about the creepy guy on the bus, it’s a little bit of an homage to that. TBS: Oh the glory! Mike: Isn’t that great? TBS: Do you make these? Do you have your hand in it? Mike: Well my brother Joe hires a bunch of designers; he is always on the lookout for like Rock ‘n’ roll poster designers, and specifically, ones that are local to where we are doing each show. This one is done by a guy named Barry Blankenship. But we have all sorts of different designers. TBS: Oh, damn, I think the bus one may take the cake over the stained glass. Mike: I know! It’s up there, for sure. The stained glass is certainly weird, and actually one of my friends pointed out on the stained glass poster that it’s arguable that I am pooping. I think that is a little liberal of an interpretation but… TBS: Hahaha! Well I wasn’t going to say anything, but people do talk… Mike: Haha, people ARE talking yeah… TBS: So you are going on tour starting pretty early in September, right? Mike: Yes, I am going on tour, God, super soon. I’m playing Brooklyn next Friday night...man it’s that soon? Then I’m going to ten more cities: York, Dayton, Cleveland, Ann Arbor, Kalamazoo, Champaign, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Chicago, and Toronto. And in the middle of all that I’m shooting a role on Orange is the New Black. So I am just busy as hell right now. TBS: When was the last time you were on tour? Mike: The last tour was “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend,” and that was like a 70-city tour over four countries, and this one is going to be a 100-city tour, so this is the biggest tour I’ve ever done. TBS: DAMN. Mike: Yeah, I know! The crazy thing is I talked to my agent the other day and when all is said and done, we’re gonna have ended up playing 120 cities. So I am becoming the Katy Perry of comedy, which is an unexpected turn in my career.

TBS: What can you tell us about Orange is the New Black? Anything at all? Mike: I can’t! I’m not allowed to say anything. All I can tell you is that I’m in it, but only because they’ve said that. Up until the other day I couldn’t even say that I was in it. Basically, I was living a lie –I would go to work and people would be like, “Where you going?” and I’d be like “Well, I can’t talk about it,” which made me feel like a criminal. So I can’t really say what it is but it has been super fun. Obviously it’s one of the best shows out there, and one of my favorite shows, so this is kind of a dream-come-true for me. TBS: You have your self-produced Sleepwalk With Me, by which I mean it’s your brainchild. Mike: I created it, yes: I willed it into being. TBS: I bring this up because I’m wondering if Orange is kind of you shifting gears into the more blockbuster roles that we all know you would kick ass at.

Mike: Hahaha! That is the most I’ve laughed at a question in an interview in a long time. I think it was that “we all” part of it because I’m not sure that even exists, haha! I think I’m still in that indie-niche zone where not everyone knows who I am, which I am totally fine with. I like sort of being in that niche, but I don’t know. Maybe? I’m in Judd Apatow’s new movie that we filmed this summer. Judd Apatow and Amy Schumer made a movie together and I play Amy’s brother-in-law, which is a super funny thing. It was just a blast to make. There’s Bill Hader, Amy Schumer, and actually John Cena is in it. TBS: Is that the wrestler dude? Mike: Exactly! Vanessa Bayer from SNL is in it too, who is super funny. LeBron James in it, which is just INSANE. Obviously this is very timely. I know that they actually booked him to be in it before all of the insanity went down when he became sort of the hero of America. TBS: Aside from this big-ass tour, do you have anything in line for direct-

ing again? Mike: I am writing with plans to direct two feature films right now. TBS: HALLELUJAH! Mike: Haha, this is the most exuberant interview that I’ve had where someone is as excited as I am for what I’m creating, so thank you for that. TBS: Now are we looking at these coming out in the next year…or ten years? Mike: I would say a year, but don’t quote me on that. TBS: Oh, I’m going to quote you. Mike: Haha, well don’t quote me while quoting me is what I should have said. I am hoping to have a movie out next fall. TBS: Right on. Mike: Also, If you here any background noise I am multitasking right now and doing my dishes. I’ve reached a point where there are so many dishes piled up above the non-existent line that is the top of the sink, if that makes any sense. TBS: You realize I’m in college right? That makes perfect sense. Mike: Yes, you’re not at that age, but at a certain point you have to have a little pride in your life and just lower the dish-mountain below the line. TBS: Where did you go to college? Mike: Yeah, I went to Georgetown. TBS: Do you have any unknown horror or glory stories you’re willing to share? Mike: Well, I was thinking the other day actually about a photo that someone took of me being drunk at night, being pushed in a shopping-cart down a street in Washington DC. What troubled me most about it is that I don’t know who took the photo, I don’t know whose pushing the shopping cart, I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing, and all I can help thinking is what else happened that night?! TBS: Some thing’s are just better left unknown. Mike: Yes, sadly so. TBS: Since you’ve had your hand in writing, comedy, directing, producing, acting; or basically just every aspect of life…what would you say is harder: directing or comedy? Mike: Directing, and even more so directing comedy. It’s so hard because it has so much to do with timing. You could get away with doing certain things in drama where the timing isn’t quite right, where people may say it was an artistic choice or something. But in comedy, if it isn’t working then you just won’t get a laugh. Then the people will say that it’s just not funny. There’s just not a lot of leeway in film comedy, so I think that directing film comedy is the hardest thing you can

do. That’s part of the reason people revere Judd Apatow for that. TBS: When does the “Thank God for Jokes” tour end? Mike: I’m not sure. I’m doing 100 cities this year, then I’m gonna shoot a film that hopefully will come out in the fall, then I’ll probably do a few more cities with this show, and then film that as a special which will probably come out in 2015 or 2016. It’s so weird these numbers we’re talking about as far as years. What year were you born in? TBS: ‘92 Mike: See that’s reasonable. I was born in ’78 so when we start talking about 2014, 2015, 2016; it’s just crazy. When I was a kid we were talking about what was going to happen in the year 2000 and how different the world is going to be. Now we’re living in ’14, and it’s unthinkable. TBS: When you were… Mike: On a side-note to keep you updated on the dishes thing –I’ve gotten the mountain down, and now it’s got that crazy sludge water effect and now I’m trying to get the sludge-pond, if you will, so that the sludge gets down into the receptor so I can actually pull the sludge out and throw it into the garbage. TBS: Godspeed man. Mike: Yes; that is the status-report on my kitchen. Please go on with the question. TBS: When you made Sleepwalk With Me, did you always know it would be you starring in it? Or were you thinking of casting like, Zach Braff or something? Mike: Wow, well not him specifically, but it did crossed my mind, like, “Oh, I guess it will be Jimmy Fallon being me.” You know, someone who is better looking and more talented, but it was a little bit like a Sylvester Stallone and Rocky situation where I wrote this script, I’m producing the movie, I think I’ll just play this part, because no one would ever cast me in this part so I will hold out. By the way, that’s probably where the Sylvester Stallone comparison probably ends. TBS: If you couldn’t be an entertainer of some kind, what would you be? Mike: I think I always wanted to be a comedian, a rapper, or the owner of a pizza restaurant where third graders could hangout –those were my goals –or maybe a poet or teacher. Yeah, probably an English teacher is where I would have landed. TBS: Well we here can’t imagine you doing anything else, that’s for damn sure. Mike: Well good, haha, thank you. Well, I have to run and finish writing these movies. the interview: mike birbiglia

The Black Sheep: So, what is up? Where are you right now? Mike: I am in Brooklyn, where I live, and am just about to tweet the official Brooklyn tour poster. Don’t know if you’re on Twitter, but it’s pretty cool. It is one of my favorites of the tour posters.

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