Minnesota - Issue 3 - 9/11/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

FR PRO EE! LI BAB KE A LY S TAT HOU TOO L D N YO U ’T G ET.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 3

Black Thursday is not a Religious Holiday Cora Neisen wrote this

For GDIs, Black Thursday is a mysterious, uncharted night of sorority girls in black dresses and frat guys donning flat front shorts and Sperry’s. For Greek people, it’s a long-awaited holiday of Natty Light and merriment. Following bid day, Black Thursday is the first time the sororities are allowed in the frats, thus beginning a year full of Greekfilled parties, and Facebook pictures of “sisterly love.” For GDI Martha Greensboro the realization of what Black Thursday really is came as quite a shock. “I heard people in Coffman talking about Black Thursday and, of course, I assumed that it was a religious holiday, celebrated in a noble and respectful way.” Upon hearing about Black Thursday, Greensboro researched local churches to figure out how to celebrate the proper way. Church officials say they thought it was just “a young heathen hooligan” calling to “make a mockery of our Lord and savior.” However, that was far from her intention.

“I heard people in Coffman talking about Black Thursday and, of course, I assumed that it was a religious holiday, celebrated in a noble and respectful way.” With no returned calls from any churches, Greensboro decided to see what all the fuss was about. “I felt that any opportunity to worship with the college community is a rare occasion and should be taken seriously, so I was eager to see what the holiday entailed.” As the skimpy black dresses started to creep out of the sorority houses and the sky was illuminated with flashes of camera phones, the holiday that is Black Thursday began to take shape. Greensboro reported that she was waiting with her Bible to show how to worship the lord, but worshiping was the last thing going on in Dinkytown. Sources say Greensboro was seen following the droves of people and ended up in Sig Ep. She was stopped at the door by a member of the fraternity to check if she was on the list. When they found she wasn’t, she was asked what house she was in. She responded that she was in “the house of the Lord Jesus Christ” and hoped to spend a night of worship and prayer with other passionate people. Bystanders reported that it was at that point the bouncer stopped listening entirely because a slew of girls hobbled over in 5 inch heels with dresses the size of hand towels.

Once inside, Greensboro was horrified by what she saw. She was surrounded not by Bible bangers, but by people actually banging on the dance floor. She stood not on pews, but on puke. People hung their heads in drunken stupors, not in prayer as she had anticipated. Instead of giving her offering, she was offered a Coors Light and a hickey. “It was a truly terrifying experience,” Greensboro noted. “I went home and prayed for all the people there, but mostly the man with vomit hanging from his chin and the girl with one shoe and half a dress.” Greensboro stressed that these people need Jesus, some morals, and

light up shoes (simply because she feels strongly about the perks of light up shoes). However, the Greek Community argues that this occasion is simply a get-together of different people from the university, with a select list of people...from certain sororities and fraternities... in which money plays a part in involvement. But other than that, it’s just a merry, inclusive get-together! The Greek community also apologizes for any miscommunication and encourages people to vote on a new name for Black Thursday on www.exclusiveparties.com/seasonopener.

PAGE 5

PAGE 7

PAGES 12-13

TOP 10: WAYS TO HIT ON A UMN FRESHMAN

STUDENT WHO BROUGHT GUITAR TO PARTY DIES FROM TOO MUCH SEX

THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: SARAH JAFFE

SOME TIPS ON HOW TO GET MORE TAIL THAN GOLDY HIMSELF.

AND AFTER ALL, YOU’RE MY WONDERWALL.

WE CHAT WITH THE SINGER/SONGWRITER ABOUT HER TOUR AND LATEST ALBUM.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Mackenzie Harding

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

EDITORIAL MANAGER Megan Felz

OWNER Atish Doshi

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Aaron Grossman

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Cora Neisen, Lilly Noonan David Zirinsky, Aron Wolde SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER We’re Hiring!

QUESTIONS info@theblacksheeponline.com ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

ONE M FREE ONTH RENT !

Live on the Right Side of the Tracks.

Call 612.379.6082 to schedule an appointment or visit TheRailApts.com

Featured Amenities: Large Bedrooms Big Units A Bathroom for Every Bedroom Workout Facility Club Room

n o w LEASING l e a s i n g FOR f o r2014 fall 2014! NOW & 2015!

PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE BRIDES IN THE BATH “Jay quietly wondered if today was the day he’s finally pop that zit on his scalp.” Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

CATAPPALLED To be so offended by something, one is forced to launch oneself into a stranger’s conversation. Ziev was so catappalled at the discussion between two Holocaust deniers, he couldn’t help but angrily approach them.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Was Playboy Playmate of the Month in November, 1980.

Appeared in ZZ Top’s video, “Legs.”

Husband is former MLB pitcher.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_UMN

PAGE 4 • 9/11/2014 - 9/17/2014 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

WHAT DOES YOUR

UMN COFFEE SHOP

SAY ABOUT YOU?

Big Biscuit wrote this

The real reason Gophers hardly ever find true love as undergrads is because nothing can quite match the intense satisfaction of a hot cup of coffee. Inevitably, every undergraduate will find a time when they’re rolling into the nearest coffee shop as it’s about to close at 11:57 to order an extra-large triple shot espresso for all-nighter fuel. But coffee shops represent much more than feeding excessive caffeine addictions. Rather, coffee shops can be a peaceful haven for creative cultivation, a channel for meeting new people, and trying to look a lot cooler than you actually are. Luckily, the UMN campus has a smorgasbord of coffee shops for young people to gather, and each coffee shop has its own personality. What does your favorite coffee shop say about you? Dunn Bros: “I’m from Minnesota, and Vanilla Nirvanas are the best drinks ever, you betcha.” Java City: “I don’t care what it tastes

like, I need caffeine and a lot of it cheap, quick and now.” Purple Onion: “I’m trying to impress my date who is slightly more on the ‘artistic’ side or appear ‘upscale’ because all the workers wear black, which makes it classier, right?” Or, “I’m here to get weird beverages like ‘Lavender Lattes’ while writing a D.I.Y article for dried flowers on my blog.” Einsteins Bros: “I’m blowing cash on $10 lunches at Coffman so I might as well spend another $5 on a knockoff Frapp.” Starbucks at Coffman: “I’m willing to wait in a long line because I don’t actually drink real coffee.” Starbucks at Lind Hall: “I’m a seasonally depressed engineer who will be in Lind Hall for the next 8 hours.” Starbucks by Applebee’s: “I’m rich and I don’t give a shit about Flex Dine.”

Wise Owl Café: “I’m trying really hard to make sure people know how studious I am.” Caribou in Moos Tower: “I’m trying to have an efficient study group but we’ll actually just end up Facebook stalking people in our classes while we sip our Snowdrifts.” Espresso Expose: “I’m either here for an interview, or I’m here to flirt with the baristas.” Espresso Royale: “I’m here on an awkward first date because it seems like a neutral territory in Dinkytown, to promote my crayon art, or to get to the couches and comfy chairs before anyone else does.” Hard Times: “I’m either a freelance can-opener blacksmith, cocaine dealer, metal head soccer dad, steampunk enthusiast, alternative music magazine photographer, vegan anarchist,

voluntarily homeless dice collector, a couple having relationship issues, cross-faded dance major with late night munchies, freelance tattoo artist, veteran from World War II who played piccolo, chess-playing Green Party activist or bearded Riverside hermit. Or a combination of any of the above.” Mapps: “I live on the West Bank and I’m scared of Hard Times so this is the next best alternative.” Kitty Corner Café: “I’m a bro who just wants a good Panini. Or an animeobsessed cosplayer who thinks mywaffles are so ‘kawaii’.”

Publika: “I’m only here for the bubble tea.” Coffee vending machines: “I give up.” What are you waiting for? Grab your tumbler, try some new cafés, and meet some new people! Although brewing your own coffee is infinitely cheaper than buying a $5 latte, money simply can’t buy the satisfying jingle of opening a local café door and the smell of actual coffee that’s not store-bought. Next time you stop by your favorite shop, tip your barista, and savor that jug of java joy.

LOOKING FOR AN INTERNSHIP? Marketing, Ad Sales, Writing, and more! Get experience doing something YOU LOVE!

APPLY ONLINE TODAY! theblacksheeponline.com

LAAAMMEEE

Last Year’s Luxury Apartment Development Already Deemed Uncool David Zirinsky wrote this

As move-in week approached the University of Minnesota many UMN students couldn’t wait to move out of their old luxury apartments and into new ones right across the street. “I mean, who wants to live some place that’s been there for a year?” said undecided junior Alyssa Jenning adding, “I’m so happy to be living here this year. But I’m torn as to where to live senior year. Hopefully someone builds some new place for me to live.” This sentiment seemed to be expressed by many over the course of move-in weekend. “Look, when I’m paying $758 a month why would I want to live in a luxury development that’s three or four years old when I can live in one that has been around campus a few days more than the freshmen have?” asked Joseph Tallin an economics junior from Milwaukee adding, “It’s a good thing my parents pay my rent-- these prices are super reasonable, right?” “With rent being above $1,000 a month for a single bedroom in a new luxury apartment, I could only afford to share a room, and then we decided to share a bunk bed to save space in our New York-sized apartment,” said Zach Shart of Chicago who lacked as much common sense as self-respect adding, “But hey, this is only about $20 a month more than the dorms so I figure I’m doing alright, just like JFK after being shot.” For a closer look into this trend we spoke with Joseph McMurd, an economics professor at the University of Minnesota who said, “One of the big problems with luxury developments is that they raise rent prices, because you have one large

THE TOP TEN Ways to Hit on a UMN Freshman When remembering our first year at the U, we all think of that special someone. That friendly junior or senior that loved showing you around. Possibly that one sophomore girl you couldn’t stop running into at parties, club functions, and the entrance of your dorm. These people were kind, nurturing, and able to get in your pants. If you’re eager to follow in these footsteps, then simply read The Black Sheep’s list of ways to hit on a freshman. 10.) Be a guide: The university is huge and difficult to get around. It honestly feels like an insane schizophrenic architect with two left hands built it. So obviously new students are going to need help getting around. Bank? East Bank? Who cares as long as you end up back at your place? 9.) Have your life somewhat together: 18-year-olds don’t know how to do laundry, they can’t cook, and God knows they don’t know how to save money. But you do. Impress them with your ability to be seemingly self-sufficient and you’ll be jumping their bones in no time. “I can cook mac ‘n’ cheese, with only burning the bottom a little.” 8.) Be able to buy alcohol: Sometimes this is the only real clincher you need in your tool belt. The fact that you are legally able to buy beer and walk in bars is somehow attractive to them. “Is this alcohol hard? I don’t know, but you wanna know what is?” 7.) Have a car: Any means of transportation is a freshman mating call. Car, bus, motorcycle, horse, particularly large dog, Jamaican bobsled, as long as you can drive them home during fall break, you’re in. “Listen my heater doesn’t work, so you’re going to have to get close if you wanna stay warm. Also do you have any money for gas? No? We’ll figure it out.”

developer building these properties. This allows smaller landlords to charge less to not maintain their properties at all. So you either live with a slumlord as your landlord, or a monopolist as your landlord. In economics this problem is called the ’Bend Over Model,’ basically when you solve it and take the derivatives, any way you look at it you get screwed.”

“When asked if she would live anywhere that the herd mentality had not directed her towards she replied, ‘That’s ridiculous.’” Still, others were quite happy with the shitholes they lived in. “I pay about $500 a month for a single in a house in Dinkytown that probably should’ve been demolished” said David Cooper adding, “But I refuse to live in Como, that’s way too far. I wouldn’t send my worst enemy there, I’d rather be gouged out of my mind then sent into exile miles from campus.” This seemed to be a common trend amongst students. One student who wished to be anonymous added, “Look, one night I met this really attractive lady at a party. We

were all ready to head back to her place, when I casually asked where she lived. She answered that she lived in Como and suddenly my friend was too drunk to walk himself home.” Perhaps the biggest losers of this new luxury apartment living trend would be those who moved into the 2-yearold developments. “I moved into this place because last year it was so much fun and hip. Now I’m just living in an overpriced apartment that has nice counters but no space,” said one resident. “Good thing I’m only here for a year then I can move to some other overpriced place.” When asked if she would live anywhere that the herd mentality had not directed her towards she replied, “That’s ridiculous.” While some hoped that this trend would eventually be alleviated, others were not so sure. “Look, these builders can keep tearing down apartments, and building new ones. Maybe they’ll just change the sign on an apartment, but people will always chase the newest apartment” said an unnamed person stuffing loose $100 bills into a briefcase, adding, “Never underestimate a student’s ability to frivolously spend their parents’ money.”

6.) Have school spirit: Tailgate during homecoming, go to the game, and everything after. It may seem like a long and difficult process but eventually you’ll find a piece to pick off. The forced enthusiasm all freshmen have to make at Homecoming creates a lot of pent up tension of the sexual variety. 5.) Be a C.A: They have the authority of security guards, the sexual maturity of adults, and the means to enter any classroom on campus. If you’re a C.A. you just won the sex locale jackpot. 4.) Try a lower level class: Try taking basic algebra, or some basic history class. You’ll be in a room full of beautiful young people that don’t know when they’re being hit on. Besides, who has more game? You, the mature seasoned student, or the kid who is counting the days since he last saw mom? “Looks like you’ve taken Intro to Sexy.” 3.) Facial hair: Did you know beards, mustaches, muttonchops, and even risqué unibrows can make you look much older than you are? With the added years of perceived wisdom, it’s almost impossible not to get laid. “You think that book is interesting? You should read the Kama Sutra. That’s a real page turner.”

2.) Be Goldy: Everyone loves Goldy. That gopher gets more tail than he knows what to do with. Goldy is loveable, big, and doesn’t talk (but in a cool misunderstood kind of way). So buy the costume, some condoms, and some deodorant (if you’re a gentleman). 1.) Accept the possibility that they’re people: Sometimes that weird 18-year-old with zero skepticism and newly found college debt is a person. They’re scared, incorrigible, and insecure. If you’re honest and helpful they’ll know that you’re worth keeping around… to bang. “Hi, I’m a human being with a bit more experience than you that’s just as lost. Do you wanna go out some time?” Aron Wolde wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE MOST OBSCENE FOOD ITEM YOU’VE EVER CONJURED UP? WHAT WAS IN IT? Eric, Sophomore

“I put horseradish on mah donuts.”

Libby, Sophomore

“I had BBQ-flavored meal worms once in 2nd grade. True story.”

Joey, Sophomore

“Chocolate-covered grasshoppers y’all.”

AROUND CAMPUS

After Having Too Much Sex Matt Roarty wrote this

IF YOU DON’T START FOLLOWING US

WELL, YOU’LL JUST BE

MISSING OUT.

@BLACKSHEEP_UMN HEY, STALK US ON FACEBOOK WHILE YOU’RE AT IT:

FB.COM/THEBLACKSHEEP99

(Time of Your Life),” and “Wish You Were Here” between almost unimaginably rapturous sexual congresses. “Several witnesses confirm that Thompson next began playing a song unknown to the other partygoers,” the report continues. “Only after he began singing a few of the lines did those present realize he was doing an acoustic version of Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz’ ‘Get Low.’” “Almost immediately, a mad rush to Thompson’s crotch ensued. Women passing by on the street broke windows to get in, and in one instance a passerby climbed on the roof and used a power saw to carve a hole in the ceiling directly above Thompson. Female birds, squirrels, cats, dogs, and at least one anaconda flooded the house. The residence became so crowded that the north-facing wall was knocked over into a sorority next door, which the sorority members then used as a ramp to run into the living room where Thompson was present.” Hennepic County Hospital physician Ali Mikita hopes that this tragedy can be used as a teaching moment. “Every year, many young men are tempted to bring a guitar to a party. And sure, it seems great. Attention, adoration, sex; they are virtually guaranteed,” she explained. “But after orgasming ten, twenty, or perhaps dozens of times, it always ends the same way. You’re dead.” “We should count our lucky stars that Thompson did not get a chance to play ‘Wonderwall,’” Mikita said. “Who knows how many may have died then.” The police report also indicates that a junior who played “Over the Rainbow” on a ukulele at the party was treated for minor sexual injuries.

PAGE 7 • 9/11/2014 - 9/17/2014 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Student Who Brought Guitar to Party Dies

An autopsy released yesterday revealed that University of Minnesota sophomore Daniel Thompson died of “too much sex” following a party last Friday, September 12th. Thompson, a twenty-year-old chemistry major, brought a guitar to the event and was reportedly swarmed by lusty women. “ Thompson’s body was filled with abnormally high levels of testosterone and serotonin, making him what is referred to as a ‘sex machine,’” read the report, which concluded that the proximate cause of dead was “a simultaneous aneurysm of the brain and phallus brought on by overstimulation.” Sources present at the party say that Thompson was “covered in chicks pretty much from start to finish” after walking into the house. “Danny was never really a ladies’ man,” sophomore Alex Chapledaine, and Thompson’s roommate, told The Black Sheep. “But I don’t know, something about that acoustic guitar he got from Goodwill changed things.” A police report of the event details how Thompson entered the party, sat down on a couch, and began strumming a few random chords. After making out with an unidentified partygoer for approximately fifteen minutes, Thompson started playing Third Eye Blind’s “Jumper.” “Thompson’s shirt and pants were ripped off by a throng of ravenous women. In the next thirty minutes, he was pleasured no less than seven times,” wrote Officer Chris DeAngelis. “Fights began to break out among those competing for his attention, including one woman who swung a sledgehammer to create a perimeter around her and Thompson.” DeAngelis goes on to detail the next two hours of the party, during which Thompson played a few bars of “Santeria,”“Good Riddance

NOW LEASING FOR 2014 & 2015!

Call 612.379.6082 to schedule an appointment or visit TheRailApts.com

The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour: Monday - Saturday 3-8pm: 2 for 1 on “Almost” Anything $1 OFF Appetizers LATE NIGHT Happy Hour FRI-SAT 8pm-10PM: $3 Calls, Wells and Any Tap, $4 Vodka Red Bulls

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

SUNDAY: STUDIIYO23 PRESENTS TCSAX IV 4th Annual Twin Cities Sneaker Art Xchange Doors Open at Noon

Thursday 9/11

8pm-Close: All-U-Care-2-Drink with a College or Military ID $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O-Bombs, $3 UV Vodka

Karaoke Thursdays! Free Shot When You Sing Karaoke $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 U-Call-It Shots

The Plott Hounds Shine Jar, The Dead Willow

Friday 9/12

8pm-Close: $4 Three Olives Vodka $5 Three Olives Flavored Long Islands, $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

Mark Joseph & The American Soul: Single Release Party Special Guests: Jill Mikelson and The New Gruv, 8th Street Band feat Chad Johnson & Russel Franek

Saturday 9/13

8pm-Close: $4 Bacardi $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

40th Anniversary Concert Series: The Lamont Cranston Blues Band & Friends

Sunday 9/14

Open ONLY DURING Twins/Vikings & Special Events $3 Wells and Domestic Taps $4 Calls, Micro/Import Taps

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

STUDIIYO23 PRESENTS TCSAX IV 4th Annual Twin Cities Sneaker Art Xchange Doors Open at Noon

Monday 9/15

Mason Jar Monday (8pm-Close) $3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double UV Vodka & Rails $5 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud or Bud Light Towers.

Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!

Tuesday 9/16

8pm - Close: $3 U-Call It’s Rails, Calls and Every Beer on Tap

Wednesday 9/17

8pm-Close: $0.25 Wings with College or Military ID, or purchase of a $8 AUCD wristband. ($.50 without) $8 AUC2D Miller Lite Tap, Wells, Bacardi Oakheart, $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall Boys”

Birthday Karaoke Night!

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

Cabooze & Touch Entertainment Presents: Problem and Jon Connor

Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM; 2-4-1 drinks: 4 PM-close; Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

Cabooze Presents: Soap with Sound Pursuit (fka Headshop Status)

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

Our Mobile App Is Your New Best Friend

for vailable for iPhone and Android â&#x20AC;˘ Download for FREE today! Available

! Availa iPhone and Android - Search Black Sheep Mobile â&#x20AC;˘ Download for FREE today

The Bar Grid Monday-Thursday: Happy Hour 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight with half price select appetizers and flatbreads, $2 select drinks, $2 select beers, 1/2 price bottles of wine

SUNDAY: Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

SUNDAY! Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

SPECIAL NIGHT

Twins Food & Beer Specials Happy Hour 3-6pm and 10pmMidnight, 1/2 price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan 9 & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight

Thursday 9/11

Twins Food & Beer Specials Happy Hour 3-6pm

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles 7pm-Close

Friday 9/12

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Twins Food & Beer Specials Happy Hour 3-6pm

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

Saturday 9/13

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Twins Food & Beer Specials Happy Hour 3-6pm

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close

Sunday 9/14

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6pm and 10pm-Midnight

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

Monday 9/15

Taco Tuesday Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6pm and 10pm-Midnight

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

Tuesday 9/16

$2 1/2 lb. Burgers All Day! Happy Hour 3-6pm and 10pm-Midnight

Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, 43 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

Wednesday 9/17

T S E nce! B the perie t Ge e Ex g e l l Co

Dinkytown’s Newest Apartment Community!

3 AND STARTING AT 4-BEDROOM $ APARTMENTS

699

Sign Online Anytime!

LIVETHEMARSHALL.COM

Cable TV lineup with HD channels Clubhouse • Computer Lab Expansive Outdoor Space High Speed Internet and WiFi Indoor Basketball Court

Indoor Pool Modern Fitness Center Sand Volleyball Court Tempur-Pedic® Mattress Zen Garden and Grilling Areas

515 14th AVE SE | (612) 355-3265 | LIVETHEMARSHALL.COM

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 1) Pop Music: Whose album, 21, was the bestselling album of both 2011 and 2012?

6) Cartoons: What cartoon coined the catchphrase, “By the power of Grayskull!”?

2) Books: What two cities are the focus of Dickens’ aptly-titled A Tale of Two Cities?

7) Science: An electron has what kind of elementary electric charge?

3) College Athletics: With the 2014 addition of Maryland and Rutgers the Big Ten Conference officially has how many teams?

8) Notable Buildings: The Transamerica Pyramid is the tallest building in this American city.

4) Language: What word, used to describe the first iteration of a physical object, derives from Greek for “primitive form”?

9) Animals: What class of mammals is most noteworthy for carrying their young in a pouch?

5) Rivers: At 1,476 miles the Murray River is the longest river in what country?

10) Cars: What car company currently produces the Boxter, Cayenne, Panamera, and Cayman?

E: 3 R SCO

1 of out

JOHN OF INSOMNIA COOKIES

THE DRINKING GAME WASTED WALLFLOWER It happens to the best, most popular of us (but mostly you): You end up at a party where you totes don’t know a single soul other than the person you showed up with. It’s ok, sweet, sweet beer is a social lubricant, so post up in a corner and give this game a whirl. You’ll be chatting up the populace in no time. What You’ll Need: A creepin’ corner and a bee-line to the nearest available strong drink. Number of Players: You’re riding solo on this one. Level of Intoxication: Your howling cackle from the corner will draw stares of ire. How to Play: Once you’ve posted up, drink when: - Someone looks like they’re coming to talk to you and oh god make it stop. - Awkward eye contact is established for nary a brief moment. - Another partygoer tries to get past you and you guys do the, “ok, I’ll go this way, no, you’re going that wa—nevermind, ok what way are you going?” thing. - Someone does an over-excited celebration during a more, say…social drinking game. - You witness an obvious flirt move like a hair-brush or an arm-touch. - The person you showed up with half-heartedly motions you to come over and join the gang. - A duo or group offers a celebratory cheers. You celebrate silently. - A group arrives to raucous applause because people actually know them. The Game Ends When: You’re rummed up enough to go have a chit-chat with someone you haven’t yet alienated with your creepshow antics.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

John’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Adele 2) I have no idea 3) We don’t follow sports, we’re hippies 4) Primal 5) Spain 6) He-Man 7) Positive 8) Las Vegas 9) Kangaroos 10) Porsche

1) Adele 2) London and Paris 3) 14 4) Prototype 5) Australia 6) He-Man 7) Negative 8) San Francisco 9) Marsupials 10) Porsche

RECIPE FOR DISASTER “YEAH, I WORKED OUT FOR THE FIRST TWO WEEKS OF SCHOOL” PROTEIN SHAKE Everyone knows that the busiest time of year at the gym is right at the beginning of the semester. But after those first couple weeks, gym attendance drops so low that the only people there are the creepy, meathead basement dwellers. So in order to make your two weeks the most productive they can possibly be, you are going to need this kick-ass protein shake to really enhance your workout. What You’ll Need: A blender, a jar of protein powder, peanut butter, a pound of raw beef, yogurt, oatmeal, almonds, banana, kale, spinach, a carton of eggs, celery, the tears of the people whose asses you are soon to beat. Fatty Factor: Absolutely none. You’re working out so you’re being healthy, duh. Let’s Get Baked: -First, you have to be in your workout attire. Velour tracksuits and sweatbands are a must. -Dump the entire container of protein powder into the blender. That’s 65 servings of straightup protein and because you won’t be returning to the gym after next week, and you have to take as much as you can now. -Grind up the beef with your bare hands, and

mix it all in with the powder. DO NOT COOK THE BEEF, PANSY. -Measure out two cups of peanut butter and dump that in the blender. -Take your carton of eggs and drop all twelve of them into the blender – shell and all. Only pussies crack their eggs. -Dump the rest of your ingredients in, putting the overflow into a second blender if necessary. -Now, it’s time to get blending. Be sure to use the “crush” setting on your blender, and not some bitch setting like “puree” or “stir.” -Once your concoction is mixed, chug it all in one gulp. The sooner it gets in your system, the better. -Vomit profusely in the nearest toilet, sink, or garbage can. You just consumed raw beef and eggs, 65 times the amount of protein you were supposed to have, and a shit ton of other nasty ingredients. You will probably have E. coli or salmonella, and should seek immediate medical treatment. A shake like this is a sure way to guarantee you’ll never step foot in the gym again after those first two weeks. You can thank The Black Sheep for the perfect excuse to be a lazy, out-of-shape blob.

The Black Sheep Interviews: Sarah Jaffe

Singer/songwriter Sarah Jaffe is preparing for her upcoming tour to promote her new album, Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Disconnect. Jaffe, although on the verge of being sick before her tour, was generous enough to talk to The Black Sheep.

Katelin Howell wrote this

The Black Sheep: Who influenced you most in your music and forming your unique sound? Sarah Jaffe: I think it’s just a collection of a number of different artists. My parents in particular raised me and my sister on a lot of folk artists, and so that’s the way I started out. I started asking for musical instruments and my mom finally got me a guitar, and that’s the first instrument I started playing. I think I just kind of wanted to emulate those artists that my parents raised us on. I still listen to what we were raised on like James Taylor and Cat Stevens. But now I listen to everything. I still love the classics: Harry Nilsson will always be a favorite. But I also listen to a lot of Top 40 radio and, of course, Radiohead. TBS: Did you teach yourself the guitar? SJ: I did! Yeah! I had no concept of what chords were or anything; I just knew what sounded good together. So, in actuality, when I thought that I was inventing these sounds – like I remember playing a D in particular and I thought that I had invented this new and cool sound on my own. I just didn’t have a concept of what chords or notes were until not too much after. I was self-taught for the most part and I took a few lessons some years later but found out that I had already kind of scrambled and crawled my way to what I was taking lessons for. I already knew most of what was being taught. TBS: How did you go from writing songs for yourself to becoming a performer? SJ: I think it’s the same thing of no real concept in the beginning. There were no preconceived notions of what it all was. I knew from a really, really early age that I wanted to do something. I wanted to create. I was – for the most part – a really strange kid, still am (laughs). I was always making things, and when I got a guitar it just kind of translated well with me. I started writing music instantly, but I didn’t start writing music with the idea of like, “Okay I’m gonna do this.” It’s just when I turned 17, I just had this pretty large group of songs and I was like “I wanna sing them for other people besides my parents,” and my parents were cool enough to take me to this open mic night in Dallas where they had to chaperone me because I wasn’t old enough to get in (laughs). And I just fell in love with it. I liked the idea of writing and having this personal group of stories with you and sharing them with others and relating. So I think I didn’t really know I wanted to perform, I just knew I wanted to do something with music. TBS: You self-released your first EP in 2008, is that correct? SJ: Yes, it’s kind of correct. I was working with a cello player at the time and he kind of helped me find someone to financially support it, so it was kind of like a self-release. TBS: How did that process work? SJ: Well that’s when I first met John Con-

gleton. The cello player that I was playing with who was kind of managing me at the time, Chris Yeomans, introduced me to John and a booking agent pretty early on. John Congleton kind of took me on as, I don’t wanna say “as a favor,” but he was being nice. He didn’t know me, and Chris was kind of bridging the gap. So he wanted to introduce us and it worked out that John and I worked well together. And three years later I would be working on my first full-length record with him. But John just kind of met me where I was at at the time musically. I didn’t really have a band, I didn’t know a lot and I had never been in a studio before to make a record. John just kind of took me under his wing. TBS: Before a show do you have a certain routine that you do before you perform? SJ: I wouldn’t call it a routine. Depending on the show and how much sleep I’ve gotten, there’s usually a certain amount of anxiety and anticipation that goes into each show, and I think a lot of the time I require just a little bit of alone time, just to be by myself for just a few minutes to where I can kind of get out of that mindset of just getting trapped in some sort of nervous – I don’t know what it is. But I tend not to breathe very often before a show (laughs), so I just try to breathe a little bit and just focus on that. But, there’s really no ritual. I like hanging out with my band and sometimes we’ll do a pre-show cheer and stuff like that, but nothing crazy by any means. TBS: Do you still get nervous when you perform? SJ: Every once in a while and it’s kind of unannounced. Sometimes it just shows up and sometimes I’m just surprisingly relaxed and I don’t know what brings that on. I’m sure it’s a number of things: a culmination of how much sleep like I said, if I’ve had anything to eat that day. It could be anything. And certainly, I hate to pin this on being a female, but sometimes being a female you’re quite moody. And especially on the road it can be different each night. I kind of swing back and forth, but I feel like each show I grow a little bit more and get a little bit more confident and definitely confident in the people that I play with. There’s no doubt about that. TBS: What’s the most challenging part about writing a song? SJ: Finishing it! I’ll get really, really stoked on a verse and a chorus and it’s kind of because I’m prematurely excited, I’ll shoot myself in the foot with that emotion and then I can’t get past the first chorus. So sometimes it takes me being in the studio to apply that muchneeded pressure on finishing things. And it takes other people’s creative energy I think at this point, or at least with this record, it took kind of a spirited collaboration. TBS: You had a part on The Blue Umbrella, the Pixar short. How did you get involved in that? SJ: That all came about with the creator of the short, Saschka Unseld. I met

Saschka almost five years ago now, randomly at a show in San Francisco. He came up to me after the show and I was selling merch and we just hit it off immediately. Granted, the merch table can be grounds for really weird conversations, but I just liked him immediately. There was something about him that was kind of enthralling to me. I remember after we were talking he handed me his card and I saw that it had Pixar on it and I was like, “Holy shit!” And like three years later my manager got this email and it was in regards to a short being made and interest being shown on my voice being used with Jon Brion. And I about cried I was so excited because Jon Brion’s a hero, and I found out that it was Saschka. Long story short, we went out to L.A., Saschka and I became dear friends, and we still hang out. When he flies down to Dallas he’ll stay with me. It was one of those things that couldn’t have been more serendipitous. He’s just an amazing person and still we collaborate to this day. But it all came about through him. TBS: When writing a song, do you write the lyrics or the music first? SJ: Usually it takes me being inspired by some sort of melody that I hear for

a song to start. Granted, there have been a few occasions where I have just started writing lyrics or ideas and they kind of, over time, somehow make their way into a song. But usually it starts with something that I’ve been fidgeting with for a period of time and just have recorded, then I start to write a song. So I think it’s more so that it starts with something musical. Like whether it’s a keyboard line or something that I’ve layered with the guitar. But usually it has to be some sort of melody that I start with. TBS: What advice would you give others, like aspiring performers, who might want to get where you are today? SJ: First and foremost you really have to love it. I mean it’s up and down. It’s not what it was even when I first started performing 10 years ago. As far as a business goes, it’s weird, and I still don’t understand it a lot of times. So I kind of try to keep my head out of that because I feel like if I think about the business aspect of it all, my brain will implode. I just love writing. I love playing with a band that I adore, personally and musically. I think you first have to love it because shit’s gonna hit the fan a lot and when it does, you have to see it through and it takes persistence.

My goal, personally, is longevity and I’ll do whatever it takes to continue to be whatever I am. I don’t really see myself the way that others might. I work really, really hard and the team of people that I work with also works really, really hard. And there’s a lot of delusions about what it all is and what it means and I’m just a working-class musician. And I think if you love writing music, then do that! And work at it, practice at it. I think that’s just like anything else. You just have to want to do it and to try and get better. I think that’s really all you can do. TBS: So what’s next for you? SJ: Just supporting the new record, Don’t Disconnect. I’m going out with Astronautalis, a good friend of mine, starting next week. We start in Chicago and make our way up, and quite a bit of touring and coming back home and doing some more shows, but just supporting the new records. TBS: Well, thank you for taking the time to talk to me and I hope you feel better! SJ: It was a pleasure, I appreciate it! Check out Sarah Jaffe’s songs and tour dates on Twitter, Facebook, or her official site.

THE BACK PAGE

the FAKE FOOTBALL FAN madlib Hey, can you believe the footballing season is here? This year I hear the __1__ are going to definitely win the __2__Group. What with the __3__ and __4__ and whatnot! Heck, I even heard __5__decided to make __6__better by giving it new grass and everything. Boy, it’s really neat when the players get knocked over by other plays and then a player gets a grass stain on his uniform. His mom must get real mad. Moms still wash their sons’ uniforms, right? And the tailgating, oh the tailgating! My __7__ used to take me to one when I was young—I can’t wait to eat one __8__, maybe two! I mean, I might drink a __9__, but I don’t think __10__’ campus police would look very favorably on that, plus I want to remember when __11__gets the game-winning score on a __12__. I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m actually secretly a __13__ fan. This whole football thing is just so primal, you know? My __14__ played football for a few years—he was a real good __15__, but you should see his __16__ these days, it’s a real disaster. Kind of turned me off to the sport. Hey do you know anything about __17__? Where ya going? I—I wanted to talk to you about how well __18__is going to do against the__19__ this year. I bet there’s all sorts of goals he’s going to get! Football season’s here, everyone!

CLUE BANK 1) Your school’s nickname 2) Your conference, minus “Conference” 3) Football action 4) Football action 5) Head coach 6) Stadium name 7) Family member 8) Tailgating food 9) Alcoholic drink 10) Your school 11) Quarterback’s name 12) Basketball play 13) Non-football sport 14) Relative 15) Football position 16) Body part 17) Arts and craft 18) Favorite player 19) Rival team

Spaces Still Available PRIVATE BEDROOMS/BATHROOMS Starting at $589

Check out our Current S pecials!

the best in student living BRAND NEW FITNESS CENTER W/ FITNESS ON REQUEST BRAND NEW YOGA STUDIO BRAND NEW BUSINESS CENTER W/20 COMPUTERS 9 & 12 MONTH LEASES • 24 HR CONCIERGE SERVICE

STADIUMVIEWAPTS.INFO | 2508 DELAWARE STREET SE | 855.573.7337

GOPHERSTUDENTHOUSING.COM

IMMEDIATE MOVE-IN AVA I L A B L E

S AV E U P T O $ 2 0 0 W I T H WA I V E D F E E S

UNIVERSITY COMMONS

east bank student housing

LIMITED SPACES REMAIN

GRANDMARC SEVEN CORNERS west bank student housing

RATES AS LOW AS $408

walk to class • furnished apartments available • private beds & baths available resort-style amenities • bike storage • garage parking available

Fees, rates & amenities are subject to change. See office for details. Limited time only.