Minnesota - Issue 4 - 9/18/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

SHO FREE TS A ! L I K T TH E M E EN ELT Y D O JELL FA TAI -O LGA TE.

Volume 7

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 4

FRESHMEN SCRAMBLE

to Parent-Proof Their Rooms Cora Neisen wrote this

At 10:04 a.m. Central Standard Time, the university released a statement saying Parents’ Weekend had been moved to September 19th-21st, a week earlier than anticipated. An email was sent out to all parents and students informing them of the change. Immediately following the announcement, there was a mass stampede down Washington Ave. towards the SuperBlock. One freshmen writing professor reported that every single person in her 42-person class ran out of the room, leaving all of their belongings. One girl allegedly jumped out of the window because the stairs were too backed up. UMPD were called on the scene after the university faculty assumed it was another Dinkytown riot. But once the mass exodus had cleared the area, UMPD found nothing but a man talking to a stick person he drew on his hand and an old lady wondering where House of Hanson was. They took off their gas masks and declared the scene to be both safe and harmless. Once inside the dorms, it was a mad scramble to hide beer, condoms, weed, and that one move-in bin on wheels that every freshman drunkenly wheels their friends home in after a night of partying. “I have a life-size poster of some naked chick above my loft, enough weed in my closet for half of Woodstock, and this wooden copy of The Kama Sutra I found at a thrift store on Lyndale; so you better believe I ran the 1.5 miles from Hanson to T-Hall,” freshman Chet Baker

told The Black Sheep as he was heatedly shoving weed into his DVD player “for safe keeping.” Down the hall, other freshmen were spotted pouring their alcohol into perfume bottles. “I really hope my mom doesn’t ask to smell my perfume, but if she does I’m just going to say that I read in Cosmo that rubbing alcohol is, like, totally in this season,” Amanda Thompson stated. However, for freshmen like Julie Hansgard, the day ended quite differently. Hansgard grew up in California, so her parents won’t be able to make the haul out to see her. Word of this spread faster than that time some fake account tweeted that 2 Chainz would perform at Spring Jam last year. Hansgard’s room quickly became the stockpile of all things to hide from parents. Freshmen from Middlebrook to Bailey began bringing their condoms, weed, Playboys, that hamster they drunkenly bought from a guy in Cedar-Riverside, dildos, their boyfriends that got kicked out of their own dorm, and other parent-prohibited items to her dorm room, creating a massive underground smuggling route. “I don’t like to think of myself as the Al Capone of parent-proofing your room for Parents’ Weekend, but I guess that’s what some people have been saying,” Hansgard told The Black Sheep. The Black Sheep investigative reporters testified that Hansgard’s room is now being called, “The Gopher Hole.” A number of Hansgard’s friends are post-

ed outside of all dorms for the next 36 hours equipped to transport any item to the safety of the parent-free dorm room. According to two anonymous transporters, they plan to wear sumo suits full of the smuggled products and tell people they are doing a social psychology experiment testing students’

tolerance for obesity. Because of this extra effort, Hansgard apparently charges interest on all items stored in her room, meaning she keeps 3% of every product she stores. She understands that not every freshman will be able to take part in this un-

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PAGE 7

MASTURBATION SCHEDULE NOW ENFORCED IN BAILEY HALL

SMOKERS STRUGGLE WITH SMOKE-FREE CAMPUS

IN CASE YOU’RE UNINFORMED THAT MASTURBATION IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH.

PERHAPS TRY MASTURBATING INSTEAD OF SMOKING?

derground smuggle route and wishes the best of luck to those hiding things within the confines of their rooms. The Black Sheep as a whole would also like to formally say that we support all those freshmen going through this tough time, but also find their suffering a bit amusing.

PAGES 12-13 THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE ONE COLLEGE SENIOR PUT UP AND SHUT UP WHILE RETAKING A HISTORY A.P. TEST. HOW DO YOU THINK YOU’D DO?

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Mackenzie Harding

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

EDITORIAL MANAGER Megan Felz

OWNER Atish Doshi

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Aaron Grossman

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Cora Neisen, Lilly Noonan David Zirinsky, Aron Wolde SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER We’re Hiring!

QUESTIONS info@theblacksheeponline.com ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE PUERTO RICAN FOG BANK “After fashioning an impromptu helmet out of a watermelon rind Selma was relieved that no one would see the severe cranial bruising she suffered after drunkenly falling down a flight of stairs.”

Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

S’MORGASM Any orgasm in which chocolate, marshmallow, graham cracker or fire is involved.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Started heavy metal band Body Count.

Spent many years in the Army.

Voiced Madd Dogg in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

# #

“Lick that Hershey highway off my fat tits!” Melody screamed as she loudly s’morgasmed.

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_UMN

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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WHAT TO DO

WHEN YOUR INTERNET IS DOWN Megan Felz wrote this

We’ve come to a point in our lives that when we don’t have Internet, it feels similar to being sat on by a sumo wrestler: you feel trapped and probably constipated. But just because the Internet is down, doesn’t mean you have to be too! The Black Sheep is here to suggest what to do when you find your Wi-Fi has wi-fizzled out. Revert to old-school porn: Sometimes it’s even sexier to not be able to turn a Playboy magazine to the following page because they’ve been glued together by someone else’s natural adhesive. Now that we have access to basically any kind of porn we want, centerfolds have become a thing of the past. But really, who wants to jerk it to weird 3-D fetish porn on the Internet, when you can get 2-D tits right at your fingertips, or toetips depending on what you’re into. Go back to the roots of porn, get a Playboy and do yo’ thang. Make elaborate origami objects: Origami-such a majestic craft, as well as an excellent way to pass time. Cranes and fortunetellers are so 3rd grade, time to step up your origami game and get creative. Origami slingshot, potential-fire-hazard-origami-bong, and origami scissors (an introspective piece of art that really makes you think about what Rock, Paper, Scissors, really means to you), all of these are options when you enter the paper-folding world. You won’t even have time to think about your lack of Internet connection. Weed brownies: Nothing makes time fly by quite like baking and getting baked. Five hours of Adventure Time will go by in a jiff and then you’ll want to make some Jell-O or

whatever your toked-out self is craving, and before you know it, it’ll be time to go to bed. It’s the next best thing to time travel. Plus who doesn’t love brownies? Communists. But that’s about it. Join a bluegrass band: Have you ever struggled to suppress the unrelenting urge to pick up a banjo or a fiddle? If your answer is “no”, then you fall into the same boat as 82% of Americans who feel the same way, including the tone deaf ones. But now is the perfect time to find a different way to get carpal tunnel. Who needs the Internet when you’ve got your banjo? Build a potato cannon: Even if you had access to the Internet, building a potato cannon would sound appealing. They’re relevant 24/7, 365. Don’t worry about WikiHow or Yahoo! Answers when racking your brain on how to make one of these gems, rely on your intuition and natural building prowess to make one. The Internet is an unnecessary middleman in the whole scheme of things and will eventually need an update, whereas your potato cannon will be a timeless masterpiece, cherished by everyone willing to sign a waiver. Homework: Ew…no. Play Mario-Kart instead. Internet shminternet, you don’t need it. Follow this list just like you followed the last six years of Mad Men and you’ll be sittin’ pretty. There’s a good chance that you’ll simultaneously be catapulted back to a time that you’ve only heard about from your grandparents or the late night, six-part, History Channel special on life before the Internet.

Masturbation Schedule Now Enforced in Bailey Hall Aron Wolde Wrote This After years of awkward knocks, confusing thumping noises, and embarrassing interruptions, Bailey Hall officials have installed a mandatory masturbation schedule for new roommates. The schedule is meant to alleviate the all-too-familiar stress of walking in on your roommate while he or she is “spanking the monkey.” The new ruling has been in development for years, says Barbara Hannick, head administrator of the dorm. “We’ve been working with the school for the past five months trying to find an effective way to administrate this problem. Biologists, life coaches, and pornographers have all been called in for their expertise.” The problem Barbra is talking about is known to all freshmen. How does one touch themselves without having their roommate see them? However, now thanks to Bailey Hall’s Masturbation Schedule it doesn’t have to be. The schedule works by both examining the free time roommates share each semester and how long they spend in class. After student registration, a crack team of counselors works on building a schedule for every group of roommates, and by the move-in date the schedule is posted on the door. Stories like Belinda Johnson’s and Elvis McGanian’s have forced Barbra to act on their behalf. “My roommate would run in and out at random times. I would ask him when he’d be coming back and he would always respond ‘oh, whenever.’ ” Says Elvis, a

senior at the U. After months of waiting he decided to take the risk. “He was in class, I thought I would have the room to myself for the hour, I only needed about five minutes anyhow. Since it had been so long I decided to go all out. Light some candles, buy an actual DVD, I even got satin sheets for the occasion.” That’s when tragedy struck. “He walked in on minute four and I didn’t know what to do.” Elvis panicked and jumped off his bed. Elvis and his roommate shared bunk beds and because of his smooth sheets he fell incorrectly, landing directly on his manhood. “They call it the reverse pole vault. Happens all the time, apparently.” Injuries like this aren’t uncommon in the dorms; two in five students will hurt themselves because of masturbation-related incidents like this every semester. The same day, Belinda Johnson, also a senior, shared a room with a girl whose name will not be disclosed. “My parents were very strict with me as a child. They said if I ever did anything that my roommate did, I would go straight to HECK.” Boring and true to her word, Belinda never did anything in her dorm room that year. This, however, was not true for her roommate. “She had brought it up a few times and I always said ‘I’m not letting you go to Heck, no I’m not.’” The relationship the two shared quickly became strained because

of this. “It was October 5th when it happened.” That evening Belinda’s roommate reportedly snapped. “She just started screaming, ripped the face of Zac Efron off of my High School Musical 3 poster and wrote herself a one way ticket to Heck.” Belinda panicked, she quickly ran out of her room and sought refuge in the room across the hall. Unfortunately that room belonged to Elvis and she walked in right in the middle of his reverse pole vault. “His pants were down and he was screaming, his roommate was screaming, everyone

was screaming!” Belinda now lives off campus, very far off campus. Barbra believes that with the new mechanics of

the Masturbation Schedule, problems like this will never arise again. Things like timed locks, doorbells, and the mandatory removal of any Zac Efron poster will help the school avoid these problems in the future.

BROS, BROS, BROS

THE TOP TEN Ways to De-Stress With the semester moving into full swing, your heavy course load is surely starting to weigh you down. With that comes some serious stress that, if not checked, could cause you to go absolutely insane and start pooping on stuff that shouldn’t be popped on. Y’know, like puppies. Don’t poop on puppies. 10.) Whittling: There’s nothing like sitting down with a nice block of cedar and slowly transforming it into a perfect replica of your bio-chemistry professor and getting all the details just right, even down to his lazy eye. For extra fun, make one for all of your professors before throwing them into a raging fire. The whittled pieces of wood, not the actual professors. 9.) Become a Kingpin: Minneapolis is just begging for their own Scarface. Think of all the fun you could have rolling around on a bed made entirely of drug money. Really, how could you ever be happier than frolicking through your backyard with three supermodels and a fucking ocelot? 8.) Knitting: Knitting is an age-old craft that has, for years, kept the elderly entertained as they slowly approach their ascent to the great salad bar in the sky. Surely if it can tame the minds of the terminally ill, it can ease some of your stress over next week when you have eight tests in five classes.

FRATERNITY TOTALLY REGRETTING Doing Formal Recruitment David Zirinsky wrote this

The Interfraternity Council (IFC) at the University of Minnesota is responsible for overseeing its member fraternities. This year IFC made a change that was vastly different than previous years’ policies. “We realized that sororities had a lot of rules and regulations regarding their rush events,” said head of IFC Matt Levine adding, “and there started to be concern amongst our leadership that our members weren’t really being nitpicked enough. We felt as if they should be constantly reminded about who we are. So we made a list of burdensome requirements, picked some out of a hat, then had some college kids rubber-stamp the rules.” Soon the effects of these rules were being felt around campus, especially during rush season. “Honestly, this sucked. In my fraternity we were trying to recruit a 21-yearold junior, but I couldn’t even show him my room because he might see a shot glass” said senior Justin Lake of Beta Theta Mu adding, “the fact that we can’t show them a shot glass gives them a false impression of who we are. This is as logical as assuming we all dress in polos and khakis… okay, we mostly do, but some of us don’t.” Another common complaint was that having parties was explicitly banned. “Bro, I’m in college, not prison,” Frat Star, Johnny, of Sigma Delta said after shot gunning a beer adding, “Like we can do it in a responsible manner.” Others expressed bafflement about having to go off-site to simply drink with some potential new members. Blake, who asked we not use his last name nor his fraternity’s name said, “It creates more problems than it

solves when I need to take you to a buddy’s place to have a few beers instead of my own casa, comprende? It means we can’t control the environment we bro out in. We’re like the wandering Jews in the desert getting kicked out after saying, ‘Let my people bro.’” While some in the Greek community expressed puzzlement over these rules, some GDIs laugh at the whole charade. “College is when you experiment in a lot of ways. The fact that people in Greek life feel like they rule the school, but can’t show potential new members all the scandalous things that everyone does is funnier than when I saw a freshman get hit in the face with a Nerf football,” biology sophomore Alex Chen, said adding, “Look, as an organization, if you can’t figure out how to manage alcohol, a substance that’s been legal for millennia in western society, then that’s totally your failing, just like showing up to your final a day later.” Though many fraternities are forced to take these new regulations grimly on the chin, one fraternity was left unfazed. “We’re a dry engineering fraternity,” said fraternity President Logan Mayer adding, “Generally we can’t have fun in college. So these rules never put us through any hassles. Also socializing with people is really hard for us, that might be why we never get many new members.” There are rumors of more rules to come next year. “I think we might ban t-shirts during formal recruitment this year. Just to make things more interesting” concluded Matt Levine.

7.) Rebel Against Authority: Nothing eases your mind more than raging against the totalitarian machine. Call your brothers and sisters to battle and leave in your wake nothing but destruction and poorly conceived solutions to national problems. The cops might show up, but that’s not gonna stop you. That just means it’s time to bring out the explosives. 6.) Take a Peaceful Walk: We have a beautiful campus that is impeccably maintained by our grounds team. Everywhere you go there are flower beds with the most delightful aromas. If you get a little tuckered out, just take a nap literally anywhere on this campus of comfort. 5.) Slowly Destroy the Sanity of Strangers: Ever been sitting in the union or at the library and notice that people will walk away with all of their things left right out in the open for all to make mischief with? When they leave, sneak over and rearrange their belongings. You can be subtle with it, leave them in the shape of a penis, or both! 4.) Join a Club: There are a ton of options on campus for extracurriculars. Literally everyone from fans of Latin to anime enthusiasts have something to choose from. Spending quality time around like-minded individuals is sure to take those homicidal thoughts right out of your otherwise purehearted mind.

3.) Steal Things: We’re not saying you should steal the entire contents of TCF Stadium’s concession stands, but how good do you think it would feel to walk away with a few hundred dollars worth of snacks? Maybe slowly steal the philosophy building brick by brick until it is perfectly reassembled in a secret clearing at Sardis? We’re just spit balling here; you can really take this idea and run with it. 2.) Join a Team: We’ve got some real ballin’ teams here at Minneapolis. From shooting rifles to slapping pucks, however you like to physically relieve yourself from energy in a competitive and cooperative setting, you should be covered. Not cricket though, the queen can keep her “tea and crumpets” bullshit. 1.) Become a Collector: For many, social settings can be just as stressful as any test. So if that’s your case, just start collecting. Anything you want: stuffed bears, trading cards, the still warm bones of small rodents, whatever works really. Sure, you might be judged as a hoarder, but you’re the one living stress free. Staff wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE GROSSEST THING YOU’VE EVER PUT IN YOUR MOUTH? Tyler

“A beef jerky stick on the ground. But all of it was covered in plastic. I ate it anyway because my friends were like ‘eat it’ and I was like, ‘okay.’”

Tim

“Blueberry Hill Sam Adams. Nastiest beer ever.”

Krista

“One time, when I was little, I drank juice with ants in it.”

AROUND CAMPUS

Over the summer, the Smoke and Tobacco Free Campus Policy went into full effect. The policy states that, “all students, staff, faculty, and visitors are prohibited from smoking and using, selling, free distributing, and advertising tobacco products and electronic cigarettes in all facilities and on all university property” in a wordy effort to promote a healthier campus and cleaner air. Most importantly, the policy will hopefully decrease smokers heckling pedestrians and bumming cigs on the streets of Dinkytown. The UMN administration may be haughtily patting themselves on the back and ironically lighting celebratory cigars for their positive action, but some campus residents believe the new policy is actually doing more harm than good. For a portion of the UMN population, tobacco use and smoking is an essential part of every day life. Frequent smokers report experiencing cripplingly intense withdrawal.

“Now we can only smoke in secret,” says nicotine enthusiast Shelby Thompson. “I feel like an outcast from society. I don’t understand why we are being persecuted like thi--,” she continued until she began to cough violently for about six minutes. The policy also states that the only exemptions include scientific studies with advanced approval, tobacco use in Native American spiritual or cultural ceremonies, theatrical productions in which actors smoke in scenes, or in enclosed vehicles. “I’m sick of pretending to host traditional Native American ceremonies because it’s pretty obvious that I know nothing about them,” says blonde-haired Shamus O’Leary. “My friends and I also pretended to be in a rehearsal for Jersey Boys so we could smoke cigs, but none of us can really sing and we ran out of matching outfits to wear to our practices.” “I told my teacher I was doing a research project called ‘Benefits

of Casual Smoking With Friends On My Porch’,” recalled Tyler Hawk, who was sporting an “OBEY” snapback, a 4/20 crewneck, and yellow teeth. “But she didn’t approve of it for some reason….” The unrest amongst campus chain smokers has been so prominent that they have gathered and formed an underground group: United Students for Smoker’s Rights (USSR). They argue that they should have the right to light up and sprinkle their butts onto the campus grounds as long as they’re paying for tuition. Additionally, they argue that the university is suppressing their rights as consumers who are being restricted from buying essential goods, and that they are being denied a leisurely pleasure. Their goal is to bring tobacco back to campus by the end of the year. “How else am I supposed to unwind? Yoga? I can’t pay for that,” Thompson continues, as she twitches uncontrollably and fumbles with her nearly-empty $8 pack of cigarettes.

The USSR has made some impressive progress in protecting smokers despite the new policy. They have formed a black market for selling cigarettes and have marked secret locations where they can’t get caught smoking. Members meet behind the Boyton Health Center and discuss their weekly itinerary for events and protest planning. At every meeting, the smokers set up their miniature cigarette market and group officers distribute Febreze. “It’s like prohibition 100 years later. It’s denial of a simple pleasure that will do more harm than good and result in a rebelling citizen,” argues the USSR General Secretary, Dimitri Burton, in a croaking voice. The USSR, despite its “underground” nature, will be present at several upcoming Student Union Events including The Fall Fair, The St. Paul Activities Fair and Homecoming. They’ll be promoting their cause to bring the smoke back to the U. Burton is excited to announce that they will be passing out free lighters

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with the USSR logo, information packets, and smoked beef jerky at their tent. But Burton reminds us that it won’t just be free stuff and fun at their presentations, he wants to make sure students understand the seriousness and sincerity of their cause. “Going for a smoke is a bonding experience,” he continues. “Walter White did it in Breaking Bad, so like, why can’t we? Like,

it’s actually not as bad as people think. It brings people together. And most of all, it’s an American tradition. ” Students should educate themselves about their rights and feel comfortable expressing their beliefs. The USSR reminds us that student voices deserve to be heard, regardless of whether or not their cause promotes decreased mortality rate.

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Smokers Struggle with Smoke-Free Campus

NOW LEASING FOR 2014 & 2015!

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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour: Monday - Saturday 3-8pm: 2 for 1 on “Almost” Anything $1 OFF Appetizers LATE NIGHT Happy Hour FRI-SAT 8pm-10PM: $3 Calls, Wells and Any Tap, $4 Vodka Red Bulls

MONDAY: Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!

FRIDAY: JON WAYNE & THE PAIN W/COSBY SWEATER, BURBILLIES & PHO

Thursday 9/18

8pm-Close: All-U-Care-2-Drink with a College or Military ID $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O-Bombs, $3 UV Vodka

Karaoke Thursdays! Free Shot When You Sing Karaoke $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 U-Call-It Shots

#MPLS w/ Audiyo Element

Friday 9/19

8pm-Close: $4 Three Olives Vodka $5 Three Olives Flavored Long Islands, $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

Friday After Class (F.A.C.) 2 PM - 6 PM: $1.50 Beers, $2 Rails, and $2.50 Margaritas

JON WAYNE & THE PAIN W/COSBY SWEATER, BURBILLIES & PHO

Saturday 9/20

8pm-Close: $4 Bacardi $2 Mini Bombs (Jäger, Cherry & Orange)

$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close

The 1 Guy & Heatbox w/ Phillip Morris

Sunday 9/21

Open ONLY DURING Twins/Vikings & Special Events $3 Wells and Domestic Taps $4 Calls, Micro/Import Taps

Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close

Monday 9/22

Mason Jar Monday (8pm-Close) $3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double UV Vodka & Rails $5 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud or Bud Light Towers.

Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!

Tuesday 9/23

8pm - Close: $3 U-Call It’s Rails, Calls and Every Beer on Tap

Wednesday 9/24

8pm-Close: $0.25 Wings with College or Military ID, or purchase of a $8 AUCD wristband. ($.50 without) $8 AUC2D Miller Lite Tap, Wells, Bacardi Oakheart, $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall Boys”

Birthday Karaoke Night!

Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)

$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints

Wings N Things! $0.39 wings: 4 PM - 10 PM; 2-4-1 drinks: 4 PM-close; Play Team Trivia with DJ Steve to Win Bar Prizes and Free Free Drinks

Soap w/ Guests

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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The Bar Grid TUESDAY! Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies

SUNDAY! Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

SPECIAL NIGHT

Half price bottles of wine starting at 5pm Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Rail & Domestic Beer $1 Happy Hour: 8am - 2am Drag Show: 10pm - 1am

No Cover! $3 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select $3 Heineken, Amstel Light & Dos Equis $3 Cruzan 9 & Svedka 7pm - Close $6 Dozen Wings 7pm - Midnight

Thursday 9/18

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! Twin Cities Hottest Male and Female Go Go Dancers! Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, La Femme: 8pm - 1am, Dance Annex: 9pm - 2am

$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles 7pm-Close

Friday 9/19

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

Come in for Dinner! All Six Bars are Open!

Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

Saturday 9/20

$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

Come in for Dinner! 18+ All Day! Come experience the 90s in its full glory with 6 bars and 3 live DJs!

Inventory Reduction Sundays! No Cover $3 Specials 7pm - Close

Sunday 9/21

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!

NO COVER! 2-4-1 Drinks (rail & domestic beer) from 9pm to 1am Happy Hour: 8am - 2am, Karaoke: 10pm - 2am

Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

Monday 9/22

Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!

18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

Tuesday 9/23

$2 1/2lb. Burgers Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

Kill the Keg! $5 Bottomless Cups 8pm - Close $3 Miller Lite, MGD, Miller 64 & Highlife, 43 Captains & $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close, $5 Pizza 7pm - Midnight

Wednesday 9/24

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ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 1) Internet: What is the colloquial phrase for illegally stealing things from the internet?

6) Food: What is the primary ingredient in grits?

2) Sports: Who was recently traded from the Minnesota Timberwolves for Andrew Wiggins, Anthony Bennett and picks?

7) Music: What band won the 1997 VMA video of the year for “Virtual Insanity”?

3) Words: Three European countries have only one syllable. Name two. 4) Stock Exchange: What company is listed as “MMM” on the Down Jones Industrial Average?: 5) Foreign Politics: What country does President Nicolas Maduro head?

1 RE: O SC

10 of t ou

SAM of PAPA JOHN’S THE DRINKING GAME

8) Potpourri: Potter Stewart, an Associate Supreme Court Justice, once uttered, “I know it when I see it,” regarding this. 9) Architecture: Currently, what is the tallest building in the United States? 10) Television: What TV show recently won “Outstanding Drama” at the 2014 Emmys?

Sam’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Downloading 2) I don’t follow them 3) Spain and Greece 4) No idea 5) Columbia 6) No idea 7) I don’t watch the VMAs 8) Pizza 9) Empire State Building 10) Is Grey’s Anatomy still on?

1) Piracy or pirating 2) Kevin Love 3) France, Spain, Greece 4) 3M 5) Venezula 6) Corn or ground corn 7) Jamiroquai 8) Pornography 9) One World Trade Center 10) Breaking Bad

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

SHOT FOR ARREST

YUM GUM

It’s a shame to let the recent surge of NFL scandals and player arrests go to waste. After all, it’s the illegal activity of the NFL that can bring football fans and people who watch football solely for the commercials together.

Have you ever been stuck in lecture and had the most terrible taste in your mouth but no gum? Only five minutes earlier, your hand accidentally slid over a piece of dried gum under your desk. You think to yourself, “That would work, but I bet it’s pretty stale by now.” Make that ABC gum turn into YUM gum with a few quick tricks:

What You’ll Need: A handle and corrupt NFL players. Good news: There’s an abundance of both! Number of Players: As many as you can fit in your living room to watch the game on Sunday afternoon. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be wishing football was outlawed in the United States. How to Play: Drink when: - A player’s actions make you want to hold your child tight. - A player’s crimes make you want to hold your partner tight. - TMZ says they have exclusive footage of wrongdoings that you should be repulsed by, but you stream during class anyway. - You wonder if football players keep football helmets in their cars now to show cops who they are when they get pulled over for drugs and alcohol. - A player spikes a football on the turf for a touchdown and you find yourself relieved that it’s not someone’s face. - USA Today creates a database of all the arrests of NFL players in the 2000s. (This actually exists.) - The names of football teams start to sound too domineering when you replace “-er” with “-her.” Examples: Raidhers, Steelhers, Packhers. The Game Ends When: Football season ends and you’re happy to see happy-go-lucky comradery during baseball season.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

What You’ll Need: Old gum stuck under a desk, stuck to the sidewalk, or stuck to some other stationary object in a public space, sprinkles, as well as regular and sour Skittles. Fatty Factor: Zero calories, unless you’re a gum swallower. In that case, you’re probably going to die from a clogged poophole, so you’ve got bigger problems, mister. Let’s Get Baked: - Steal a paint scraper from your apartment complex’s maintenance staff. - Scrape gum away from the desk/sidewalk/other public space without drawing attention to yourself. Scream that Chipotle is giving away free burrito bowls or moon everyone while you bend over to scrape the gum. - Massage the gum in your hands to make it soft. Pretend it’s old Playdoh; it feels and tastes the same Give it Some Flavor: - Add sprinkles if you want a crunch to help the gum seem chewier. - Regular and/or sour Skittles, depending on what the gum was stuck to. If it was under a desk, the gum probably sucked in a sweet, mahogany taste – regular Skittles will do just fine here. If it’s on the sidewalk and a bit more tart from dirt, sour Skittles are a better fit Never pay for gum again! Be green and reduce, reuse, rechew.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Many of us took A.P. exams in high school. It was an awful experience that we have only recently recovered from. But did anyone actually learn anything in these courses? And would you remember the material now if you had to take it again?

THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE DAN COLLINS WROTE THIS

With the use of Learnerator.com, I, a senior in college and member of The Black Sheep, will take a practice test for the A.P. U.S. History exam. I took this same exam five years ago as a junior in high school, so weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll see if my rapidly-deteriorating brain has retained anything.

THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE

MY EXPECTATION:

I won’t retain anything. I’ll come out of this test on top of my shield, having been devoured and impaled on a Draconian spike.

Keep in my mind: This A.P. exam is broken into two parts, but, as I do not have a certified A.P. grader with me, I will only be attempting the first part, which is 80 multiple choice questions with a time limit of 55 minutes. I assume high school students aren’t allowed to listen to music while they take their test, but that simply isn’t happening, as I would like for my sanity to remain intact. In 2013, in order to receive a 5 on this test, you needed to correctly answer 61% of the questions. I will be recording some of my thoughts as I go along.

15 Questions In: A poem! Are you fucking kidding me? This is supposed to be a history test. 22 Questions in: Who in the hell is Ida B. Wells?

Pre Test: I feel pretty good. I got a 5 on this test in high school and now I’m older and wis—well definitely older. Sure, I don’t really feel like I’ve learned much in college, and drinking supposedly kills tons of brain cells, but I can’t be dumber than the kids who lowered the curve to the point that a 61% merits a 5. Kids these days are so dumb. That’s probably why standardized tests keep getting easier every year. I’m a little bit nervous, but that’s normal before you take a test that has absolutely no bearing on your life at all. 5 Questions In: Disregard everything I said before. This is completely unfair. The high school kids who took this test had a whole year of the class to prepare for it and I haven’t taken a single U.S. History class in college. Plus, they have evolution on their side. How am I supposed to compete with these genetically engineered super-beings when I’m just a normal person? That’s like the first scene in Troy where Brad Pitt kills that huge guy, but instead of a huge guy, I’m just some dope.

33 Questions in: I’m close to halfway and I have answered, at most, five questions with confidence. I don’t know what happened. I used to be smart (sort of ). At the time I took this test, I was probably as smart as I’ll ever be. That was the high point of my life; the peak. It’s all downhill from here. Now I know how Alex Moran felt in that one episode of Blue Mountain State. What happened to me? Well, I started drinking much more heavily after high school. That can’t have helped. I guess doing the bare minimum to pass classes in college isn’t making me any smarter. 61% seems like it would be a miracle at this point. 37 Questions in: I quit. 50 Questions In: This is an absolute nightmare. I’m so stupid, it’s pathetic. I’m practically answering at random right now. I need to do a Billy Madison or something. Two weeks in each grade. Easy. He seemed to have a really good time with it. And if I could find a Veronica Vaughn for myself, my life would be perfect. That movie was awesome. I wonder what actor played the giant penguin. Do you think he mentions that at parties when he meets people and they ask him what he does? I’ll see if IMDb says anything about it. Shit, I have to get back to the test. I guess my knowledge of 19th century Supreme Court Cases has proven inadequate. 14 Questions In: This doesn’t even resemble the test I took five years ago. It’s all quotes from old, racist documents and equally racist maps. There hasn’t been any factual information at all yet. And why is there so much about Spanish settlement in Mexico and South America? That’s not even U.S. History! This test is a ruse to make me look dumb, and it’s working. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt any dumber than I do right now. Well, maybe that time I got caught trying to steal condoms because I was too embarrassed to buy them in high school. It was fine, though, I didn’t need them then, but I think I need one now because this test is buttfucking me.

QUESTIONS ANSWERED 80

52 Questions In: What am I thinking? That could never work. They would never let Billy Madison happen today. A grown man in an elementary school would never be allowed. The movie wouldn’t even work because everyone would assume he was a pedophile and ruin it. Add that to the list of things that pedophiles ruined for all of us, like being able to use the bathroom at an elementary school, or going to your little sister’s soccer game alone, or becoming an ice cream man. Assholes. Why doesn’t the ice cream man do business in college towns? I bet they’d make a killing. 76 Questions In: I can see it. The finish line. It’s waiting there for me…and it’s glorious. Now I know how Harold and Kumar felt when they finally got within four multiple-choice questions of White Castle, but I’m far less high. When I finish this exam, I’m going to call my girlfriend and tell her I love her. Well, I don’t have a girlfriend, but maybe I’ll tell some random girl I walk by that I love her. People love it when you do that.

QUESTIONS ANSWERED CORRECTLY 42

ACCURANCY % 52

THE RESULTS:

POST-TEST:

I answered 42 of the 80 questions correctly, falling 7 short of my goal of 61%. In a way, I was right; I am embarrassed to tell you my score. It almost makes up for the fact that I am a moron who peaked at 17. But yeah, the test was really difficult. I feel like I just got taken behind a shed and deloused. I always thought my seventh grade English teacher was wrong when she told me I was lazy and would never amount to anything, but it turns out she was spot on. Maybe I should call her and apologize for egging her house so many times. Maybe with enough therapy I can convince myself that it’s because of what she said that I ended up offering sexual favors in exchange for drugs, because that seems to be where I’m headed. I’m practically sprinting there.

I think I have ADD. Did you see how many times I got sidetracked? Maybe if I show this to a doctor, he’ll prescribe me Adderall. It’s like steroids, but for your brain. I can’t wait to start selling th… I mean taking them, so as to cure my horrible attention deficit disorder. Wow, the American education system has really let me down.

THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE

THE BACK PAGE

do you know these cereal mascots? Do you know all 8 of these cereal mascots? Oh, really, you're so smart, huh? Well, email us at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win a prize!

THE BACK PAGE

THE SCARY SSSSNAKES CROSSWORD Across: 1) Named after a common house pet, M’eow? 5) The Joakim Noah snake. 6) This snake is named after something smaller and squirmier; think bird food. 7) This one commands legions of loyal followers with its cool hood and venomous bite. 8) A bride-to-be may wear one of these bad boys on her leg. 9) Flex this big bad snake after you get pumped in the gym. 11) These snakes ain’t seein’ shit. 14) This rattler shares a symptom with many a stoner. 16) Kobe Bryant nicknamed himself after this snake.

4) Blue plus yellow and you have yourself this kind of snake. 5) A creatively-named snake with black stripes. 10) If this snake was a chess piece, it could move one space in any direction. 12) Pop on some feathers and wear one to the fanciest ball in town. 13) Kind of like slippers, but more Native-American, we suppose. 15) This snake shares a name with something found in the Great Barrier Reef. 17) We’re guessing this snake doesn’t do a body good.

Down: 2) Ice Cube and Jon Voight once starred in a move featuring this fearsome Amazon constrictor. 3) This snake loves one of them southern boils with tiny lobster cousins.

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