The Black Sheep
CO N F R E E DOM ...LIK S IN E TH CO F E FM A
Vol. 6, Issue 7
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
N.
3/6/14 - 3/12/14
GUY ON RAZOR SCOOTER WONDERS
WHY HE FAILS WITH WOMEN MATHEW KENNEDY WROTE THIS
For sophomore Ben Cyrus, being perceived as cool hasn’t been easy lately. “I don’t know what it is. First semester, women basically fell on my lap. Second semester, not so much. I just don’t know what changed,” Cyrus wondered. But something major did change. Cyrus brought something back with him to UMN after winter break. “Oh, you mean my whip?” Cyrus brightened as he pulled out his Razor push-scooter with red light-up wheels. “Yeah, I was sick of walking to class, and I don’t know how to ride a bike or anything. But, I remember riding this thing around all the time back home, so I figured I should bring it. You know, it’ll help me get to class faster and whatnot.” Sadly, the two minutes of walking time that Cyrus saved has cost him his ability to pull ladies. Since bringing the scooter to college, Cyrus has gotten nothing but a side-hug from a girl at a fraternity house. “Okay, in my defense, she said she was feeling sick,” Cyrus retorted. “She was probably a lightweight, so I didn’t want her throwing up in my mouth or any nasty shit like that. I told her just a hug is cool.” The girl in question, Sarah Silverstone,
had a different story. “That is not what happened,” Silverstone denied, “I know him from Spanish class, so I saw him at a party and said hi. He spent two hours crying and telling me about all the bullying he was getting about the scooter. He kept asking me to go back to his place between sobs. I felt bad, yet also disgusted. So, I half-hugged him and pretended like I saw someone I knew so I could leave.” Cyrus has failed at hooking up many times this semester. “I don’t know. I start talking to them and things go well,” Cyrus muttered. “But, the second that the scooter comes up, they kind of just laugh and walk away.” Besides being a babe-repellent, the scooter has also altered Cyrus’ life in other ways. On a particularly windy day a gust of wind pushed Cyrus and the scooter off of the sidewalk and in front of an oncoming Campus Connector bus. The bus was able to slow down before collision, but Cyrus still ended up with several broken ribs. The scooter, however, survived the incident.
injuries and stuff.”
“It was a close one,” Cyrus admitted, “but I was able to throw the scooter out of harm’s way. That’s just the type of stuff that happens when you do an extreme sport like me. You have to deal with the
Other injuries were avoided by Cyrus wearing a helmet, kneepads, and elbow pads. Besides the broken ribs, the only other injuries Cyrus incurred were two very skinned hands. When asked if
the scooter may go away soon, Cyrus laughed. “Are you kidding? The real problem here is obvious – the weather. No girl wants to hook up with someone when it’s this cold. Trust me, come spring time, the bitches
will flood faster than the ditches.” Cyrus finished the interview by stating that he was in a big rush. He had ordered a pair of size 11 light-up sneakers that were due in the mail, and he had to go check and see if they had arrived yet.
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RACIALLY DIVERSE FRIENDS WISH TO BE LEFT ALONE
LATE VALENTINE’S DAY GIFT DOES NOT GO OVER WELL
A LIFE BOILED OVER: THE MATT FETTY STORY
UNIVERSITY PHOTOGRAPHER NEEDS TO LEARN TO RESPECT SOME BOUNDARIES.
NOT EVERYONE APPRECIATE A FINE PIECE OF TOAST.
TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM CHEAP SUBSTANCES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL ON TOP OF THE WORLD.
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RACIALLY DIVERSE GROUP OF FRIENDS WISHES UNIVERSITY PHOTOGRAPHER WOULD STOP FOLLOWING THEM SCOTTY G WROTE THIS
Rodrigo Hernandez, Andre Williams, Kelly Shanahan, Anish Singh and Nanami Watanabe are best friends. They do all the normal things that you and your friends do, but with one difference: They’re always followed around by the school’s photographer. “I just don’t know why he’s always there,” said Anish. “We’re all just hanging out outside on a beautiful day, facing the same direction and laughing with smiles on our faces that are big enough to convince high school kids we’re having fun but small enough to make parents think we’re still serious about our studies. You know, a typical, representative college life. And the photographer is right there
taking aesthetically-pleasing pictures of us.” Since the group came to campus as freshmen in 2012, their pictures have been featured in over a dozen University of Kentucky pamphlets and website cover photos. Although the group has never complained to university officials about their pictures being used without consent, they can’t help but feel a little uncomfortable with the situation. “It’s really starting to get on my nerves,” said Kelly. “Last Halloween, we went to a party wearing costumes that were equally attractive and wholesome. I went as a ketchup bottle and Andre was mustard,
can you believe it? Then, this photographer showed up and started taking surprisingly high-quality photos, perfectly catching all of us at our most appealing moments and completely cropping out the red cups we were holding. It was weird but kind of impressive at the same time.” The photographer, a grad student named Ernie Wexler, has refused to apologize for his actions. “They only pay me if I get pics that can be used for recruiting,” said Ernie, “and these kids are a gold mine. I’m like Peter Parker. I’ve got the best Spidey pictures in town, and I’m gonna' sell the shit out of them. Hey, I gotta eat too, you know?”
“Look, I appreciate his interest in the student body,” said Andre. “But why does he have to stop by our immaculately-clean dorm rooms, taking pictures of vibrantly-expressive decorations and clearly demonstrated variety of interests?” Nanami chimed in, “One time he handed me a cello and asked me to act like I was playing it. I don’t know how to do that.” “You don’t understand,” said Ernie. “These guys are like the cast of Community. I can’t lose!” “I don’t get how he always knows where to find us,” said Nanami. “It’s like every time we go off building a house from scratch for Habitat for
Humanity, there’s Ernie, elegantly capturing our selfless nature and passion for community service. I don’t know if I should be flattered or super freaked out.” The Dean’s office has refused to step in on the mat-
ter, noting that applications have risen 27 percent since Ernie’s photos first went into brochures. “Ernie is basically attached to us 24/7,“ said Rodrigo. “We’re sitting there in class, and he just jumps in, find-
ing a flawless picture of the five of us in the front row of our 8 a.m. lecture, all intently focused on the professor while taking detailed notes. Ernie’s a real pest, but you gotta give him credit. He’s a master at capturing the true college experience.”
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CURRENT EVENTS
THE
TOP
TEN
CLIENTELE AT DRUNKDONALD’S CORA NEISEN WROTE THIS
The Dinkytown McDonald’s on the corner of 4th and 15th is somewhere every UMN student must go in their life. Why, you might ask? This McDonald’s undergoes a miraculous transformation every Friday and Saturday night after 10 p.m., transforming from a depressing place with overweight people and possible STDs on the benches to a vibrant hub for nightlife crawling and definitely STDs on the benches. On any given weekend, you’re sure to run into the most interesting and entertaining people, so we put together a list of the best all-time DrunkDonald’s visitors. 10.) The homeless man with glow sticks: If you get lucky, you might catch his “light show” on the corner. It’s basically like a really cool 4th of July firework display except it’s performed by a homeless man…on a dirty street in Dinkytown…with glow sticks…and the audience only consists of drunken college students. BUT STILL!
Late Valentine’s Day Gift Does Not Go Over Well DAVID ZIRINSKY WROTE THIS MINNEAPOLIS, MN-- Late Saturday evening roommates and neighbors of Amy Marshall’s Como apartment were treated to a surprise. “At first we thought someone was dying in the apartment next door, but then we realized that no, someone was just throwing a hissy fit,” said area resident Monica Clinton. “It sounded like two koalas punching each other in the nose.” A resident of the apartment in question finally came forward saying, “My roommate’s boyfriend has never been, well, A-grade material, you know? He came over to give Amy her late Valentine’s Day gift, because he spent the 14th having a ‘bros night out’ in Dinkytown. He came in with this huge gift-wrapped box. It was pretty suspenseful.” While the box did build anticipation, Amy was not impressed. She recalls, “I opened the first box and inside it was a second box. When I opened that next one there was, you guessed it, another smaller box. By the time I got to the middle there was a used toaster. It was rusted to hell. I’d guess it rolled off the lot in the mid 90s.” Another roommate of Amy’s, Shauna Armstrong, said “It had used bread crumbs and everything. He probably forgot to get her a gift and brought her a toaster from his place.” When asked Amy said, “Come to think of it, he definitely got it from his apartment, we used it like every weekend.” Though Amy wasn’t happy with her gift, her boyfriend of three months, Jordan, thinks her reaction came out of left field; “She always complains that her apartment is empty. And women love kitchen accessories like that. I mean, a bagel that isn’t toasted just isn’t a bagel. It’s just like a college class without a $300 textbook, it isn’t the educational opportunity you deserve.” He also pointed out that for a Hallmark holiday a toaster is a pretty good gift.
9.) The wasted girl crying on the bathroom floor: Shout out to you for not taking Brad back after he gave Chrisi the eyes. Shout out to you for drowning your sorrows in Bacardi. Shout out to you for taking the high road by not making out with Joe just to make Brad jealous because, like, you totally could’ve. 8.) The chubby guy who just wants a McChicken: Our sincerest apologies go out you, sir. You only wanted a McChicken and some fries; instead had to deal with pushy, drunk people with the munchies and that dude throwing up in the booth behind you. 7.) Speaking of the guy throwing up in the booth behind you: Props to you for being resourceful and using the bag that carried your food as a barf bag. Seriously, man, great problem solving skills. Way to apply your college education to real world problems. See what higher education can do for you, kids? 6.) The bouncer: Normally this guy stands outside and herds the drunkies, but on rare occasions you can see him sneak up to the counter and order a large fry and Big Mac. No shame, brutha, no shame. 5.) The Shamrock Shake fanatic: We all know one. On any given weekend, there’s sure to be someone who buys six shakes for here and three more to go. However, as with most things, DrunkDonald’s customers take their love of Shamrock Shakes to a whole new level. It’s rumored that one guy actually did three Shamrock Shake bongs, shotgunned four, drank five for a breather, and butt-chugged one. It is also rumored that he spewed Shamrock Shake out of every orifice for four days, but that’s unimportant. 4.) The group of 19 freshmen: You can always spot a group of freshmen. It’s the group that had to push 4.5 tables together. (The half table being a small one they stole from two stoned seniors after the freshmen excitedly asked, “Are you guys freshmen too?!”) 3.) The two girls in nothing but leotards: The reason behind their leotard usage isn’t entirely known, but they muttered something about being at an emoji party and “Wanted to look, like, cute without being like, a total slew.” You go, ladies. 2.) The born-again Christians: Seriously great PR work by these people. Where else can you find an entire flock of humans with regrets, low self-esteem, and a foggy mind than DrunkDonald’s after ten? If you want to convince someone they need religion, just look into their bloodshot eyes and remind them of what they did that night. 1.) The confused tourists with young children: Apparently their tour book described this as a cheap alternative to an expensive meal complete with kids’ meals. By “cheap alternative” it must have meant drunk food in which the origin is unknown and by “lots of children” it must have meant lots of immature college students drunk off their asses flexing their freedom and independence. Betcha can’t wait for college now, huh, kids?
After the toaster incident many friends of the duo have quietly predicted the couple’s eventual breakup. “I’m not a relationship expert but all signs point to a bitter breakup.” a close friend of Amy’s revealed. “There have been several missteps in their relationship, one time Jordan mentioned her weight. Another time he blamed Amy after he crashed her car.” Another friend of Amy, wishing to remain anonymous, also called for the relationship’s impending demise; “Amy is really weird and I think once Kyle realizes that, he’ll get out. You don’t date crazy. I mean, this is the girl who has a huge garden gnome collection in her closet. She even has dedicated hours of the day she spends exclusively with them.” When interviewed, Kyle said that their relationship has never been better: “All of our friends have worse relationships than we do. Most of Amy’s friends’ significant others text them back every four hours, she texts me back every two. We really have this whole dating thing figured out. We had our rough spots like when I banged her friend Abbie, apparently that’s a no-no in a relationship.” After this Kyle began to go on about how he and Amy do the most romantic things, adding, “We smoke a bowl and go to Taco Bell every weekend, so we have a pretty good thing going.” When asked the most definitive thing a good relationship needs, Amy sarcastically noted, “A toaster, a good 1995 Panasonic Toaster.”
05
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE LITTLEKNOWN TURN OF PHRASE, AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Lynzi, Sophomore
“‘Let’s make like a baby and head out,’ means let’s leave.”
Christina, Junior
“‘Life is my explanation for everything,’ means life explains everything.”
Sam, Sophomore
“‘No,’ it means definitely not yes.”
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A LIFE BOILED OVER: THE MATT FETTY STORY DAN COLLINS WROTE THIS Matt Fetty, a Minnesota senior, had all the makings of a titan of industry. A marketing major with a 3.91 GPA, it seemed Fetty had the whole world at his fingertips. That is, until November 15th. It was on that fateful day that Fetty’s life would be transformed forever. Stopping by friend Nolan Courvell’s house after many hours in the library, Fetty inquired as to whether there was any food in the house, as he had not eaten all day. “We don’t have much right now, but there’s some ramen in the cabinet over there,” replied Courvell. Oddly, Fetty had never heard of ramen and took a look at the nutrition facts before deciding it did not look healthy or appetizing. “But Nolan insisted,” said Fetty. “He told me that everybody was doing it, and that it would be fine just this once.” After eating his first bowl of ramen noodles, Fetty could not believe how delicious they were; his fascination only grew when he learned how incredibly cheap the noodles were. From that point on, Fetty subsisted almost entirely on ramen. “It only took me a couple times before I was addicted,” said Fetty. “After a week, it was the only thing I ate or drank. The only solid foods I ate were the noodles, and the only thing I would drink was water mixed with the flavoring packet; usually beef flavor, but I would even settle for shrimp flavor.” It wasn’t long before ramen began to take over Fetty’s life. He lost interest in school, as it paled in
comparison to the importance of obtaining more and more ramen. However, this soon became an issue as well. Within a couple weeks, Lunds began refusing to let him purchase ramen at their stores, with Rainbow Foods and Wal-Mart following suit. Apparently, they feared he was using the powder to make a new drug. “We just couldn’t fathom that anyone could be eating that much ramen, and we didn’t want a lawsuit on our hands,” said Lunds manager Clint Zimmerman. From that point on, Fetty’s life was completely engulfed by acquiring ramen. “I would do anything for the chance to get ramen,” said Fetty. “I was in back alleys sucking dick for a rock of uncooked noodles. And to make it worse, almost never did people on the street even have ramen. I mean, why would they? But if there was any chance to get my hands on some, I couldn’t resist.” After carrying on like this for a couple of weeks, Fetty no longer got the same sort of rush from simply eating ramen. He began snorting the powder, and, when that lost its edge, injecting the flavoring broth directly into his veins. Everything came to a head when Fetty was arrested for buying drugs behind Papa John’s. Of course, Fetty wasn’t actually buying drugs and was released upon the discovery that it was only ramen. “At that point, I knew I had to make a change,” said Fetty. “I’m just not sure I could have made that change alone.” Luckily,
when Fetty returned from jail, his friends and family were joined in his apartment, eager to perform an intervention and convince him to seek help in rehab. “We told him that he wasn’t the same anymore,” said close friend Devin Hicks. “I mean, he used to be a borderline alcoholic, but who in college isn’t? Plus, if he wanted to be a businessman, he probably should have stuck with cocaine.” After hours of intervening and berating, Fetty finally agreed to enter a rehab center.
Fetty is now in rehab and the promising life he once had now seems as if it may be possible again. “I’m doing great; better than ever,” said Fetty. “I mean, obviously not actually better. My blood pressure is off the charts from eating 15,000% of my dailyrecommended salt everyday. Plus I got HIV from sharing needles shooting the ramen broth. So I guess really I’m pretty miserable; and I would kill for some ramen right now. Literally kill.”
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SPECIAL NIGHT
Every Day in March: $5 Irish Car Bombs Maike it a Cap N Coke Double for $2 More
SATURDAY: 9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
MON: Flippin’ Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
EVERYDAY: Happy Hour 3-6PM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies
WED: No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
Thursday 3/6
COLLEGE THURSDAYS 8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers, $1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco
9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.
1/2 Price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover
No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)
Friday 3/7
8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands, $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm Close, $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm Close
Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Saturday 3/8
8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Sunday 3/9
Closed on Sundays
10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99, 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close
$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight | Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM, $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!
No Cover! Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close
Monday 3/10
Mason Jar Monday 8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Light Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers, $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs, $5 Jameson Gingers, All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!
NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)
Tuesday 3/11
8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)
8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
Birthday Karaoke Night!
Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!
No Cover! Karaoke: 9pmClose, Beer Pong, $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks, $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight, $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)
Wednesday 3/12
The Bar Grid
Call 612.379.6082 to schedule an appointment or visit TheRailApts.com
8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys
$2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies
No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s
Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)
$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints
Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)
the madlib
down a wikipedia hole
It all starts too innocently. I might be super bored in my ___1___ class, or high on a ___2___ night, trying to bide my time. I’ve had enough of ___3___, definitely have done my rounds on Facebook and even crept on ___4___ which just made me feel ___5___. So then I opened Wikipedia, and it was all downhill from there. I started by clicking on the main page (you didn’t even know there was one, did you?). The featured article was for the ___6___-billed water ___7___. So weird! So I clicked on that, and it’s the national animal of ___8___. So naturally I didn’t know anything about that country, and who knew that ___9___ was from there? Or, she lived there for awhile. Probably smoking ___10___ and pounding the ___11___ or the locals or whatever. And did you know that she used to date ___12___? Kind of gross. He was married to ___13___ which is weird, but what’s weirder is that she had a small role in ___14___ which led her to meeting ___15___ who somehow gave her her big break, and that’s how she became the ___16___ spokesperson. Small world! But even more fascinating is that the ___17___ sandwich was named after ___18___ and was first featured in the 1955 issue of ___19___? Oh god, you know what else is good? A ___20___. Okay, off of Wikipedia and on to GrubHub I go.
1) Subject 2) Weekday 3) Porn site 4) Long-lost friend 5) Emotion 6) Size 7) Animal 8) Country 9) Female pop star 10) Drug 11) Instrument 12) Older male celebrity 13) Really old female celebrity 14) Popular movie 15) Random celebrity 16) Chain restaurant 17) Type of sandwich 18) Cartoon character 19) Magazine 20) Another type of sandwich
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e G GAMES Th IN K IN R D | PECIALS | BAR S ARTICLES
Are You SMARTER
THAN?
1) Computers: This operating system—available under open source license—can be developed to run anything from wristwatches to supercomputers. 2) Sex: Aside from latex, condoms can also be made from this animal’s intestines. 3) Music: Hip-hop artist J-Kwon released what song 10 years ago, that sees everyone in the club doing something?
T.J. of BURRITO LOCO
6) Literature: In what book do the drugs begin to take hold around Barstow? 7) Celebrity: During Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night debut, what megastar accompanied him onstage for the evolution of hip-hop dancing? 8) Military: The United States of America has the world’s highest military budget. What nation is second?
4) Elements: What element on the periodic table is listed Fe, from the Latin ferrum?
9) Grammar: What’s the proper name for the grammatical device that looks like a cursive capital “S” and stands for “and”?
5) News: Kiev, the capital of this country, saw civil unrest break out in violence when government forces tried to remove protesters from the town square.
10) Dance: This dance is described as a “smooth, progressive ballroom folk dance in triple time, performed primarily in the closed position.”
T.J.’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Linux 2) Sheep 3) “Tipsy” 4) Iron 5) Czechoslovakia 6) The Great Gatsby 7) Kanye West 8) Israel 9) Apostrophe 10) Tango
1) Linux 2) Sheep 3) “Tipsy” 4) Iron 5) Ukraine 6) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas 7) Will Smith 8) China 9) Ampersand 10) Waltz
T.J.’s Score: 4 out of 10
RECIPE for DISASTER
DRINKING GAME Evel Knievel
Grilled Mac N’ Cheese
Beer, cups and quarters alone don’t necessarily make up a badass game—it’s about the attitude you bring to the table as well. This game not only requires skill but also good looks and an overall level of confidence that no amount of shots can bring.
Two quick and easy college meals you had to learn before being accepted into a university— grilled cheese and macaroni and cheese—can be combined into one beautiful, culinary masterpiece. After all, there is never such a thing as too much cheese.
What You’ll Need: 1 Solo cup, 4 shot glasses, beer, 3 quarters, a pair of sunglasses and an empty case of beer, Number of Players: As many as you want, Level of Intoxication: Don’t try to drive a motorcycle or anything after this,
What You’ll Need: Slices of bread, a box of macaroni and cheese, slices of cheese and butter. Cook Time: About 30 minutes Fatty Factor: A little carb heavy but who cares?
How to Play: - Place the Solo cup in the middle of a table and place the 4 shot glasses close around it. Fill all of the containers with beer. - Designate one person to start as “Evel Knievel.” Make them wear the pair of sunglasses and the empty beer case as a helmet (make sure they can see out of it). - Make sure Evel Knievel stands about 5 feet away from the table. - Evel Knievel has three chances to shoot one of his quarters into the cup in the middle of the table. If he can do so within three tries, he splits up the five drinks to other players in the room. - If Evel cannot make a quarter in the Solo cup or lands it in one of the shot glasses, he must consume all five drinks himself. - Once the drinks are gone, fill the shot glasses and cup back up, rearrange if necessary and find a new Evel Knievel.
Let’s Get Baked: - Bring a pot of water to boil on the stove. Follow the directions on your box of macaroni and cheese to make a batch. (If you don’t know this by now, just put this paper down and back away quietly.) - In a skillet, dump 3/4 cup of the cooked mac and cheese and shape it into a square like a slice of bread. - Add 2 slices of cheese onto your noodles (or more if you’re into that sort of thing) and turn off the heat. - Butter 2 slices of bread and place them butter side down in another skillet. - Add 2 slices of cheese onto one of the slices of bread. - Keep the heat on for a few minutes until the bread browns. - Transfer the delicious cheesy squares of macaroni onto one of the bread slices and cover with the other. Press down with a spatula so they’re nice and squishy.
The Game Ends When: One of your friends swears he can jump his car over a large flaming pit. Please, we beg you. Don’t let it get this bad.
Experiment with different types of cheese or even add in some ranch or Sriracha. But sticking to the classic is never a bad thing either.
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HISTORY’S TEN
GREATEST NUT SHOTS Good wine. Decadent food. The curves of a voluptuous woman or the utilitarian sexiness of a chiseled man. All of these things are timeless delicacies that transcend generations. Also, nut shots. Yes, there’s nothing funnier and more enjoyable to us than watching hard objects collide with testicles because it reminds us how lucky we are that our own gonads are either safely tucked away or concealed somewhere in the frightening and confusing mess of organs that are ladyparts. And even if that makes us bad people, at least it’s not, like, a NEW thing. People have been hitting each other in the nuts for as long as they’ve had the sophistication to realize how hilarious it is. The Black Sheep honors the proud tradition of kicking, punching, jumping, falling, bumping and throwing stuff at balls with history’s best, funniest, most important nutshots of the last 6,000 years.
BY: HANNAH WEYER Theodore Roosevelt Jr.- 1910: Humans know better than to mess with Teddy Roosevelt. Humans do. But while on a big game hunting trip in Africa, an elephant made the mistake of charging Roosevelt’s hunting party. Half a dozen men screamed like little infant babies and ran for cover, but Teddy held his ground. The elephant angled her leg to kick the Man-God 26th President in the nuts. The result: She broke her leg in six places and had to be put down by Roosevelt himself.
Adolf Hitler- 1941: In the thick of WWII, Hitler paid a visit to the Russian front to boost German morale. There, to display his brutish masculinity, Hitler decided to shoot a machine gun. But not like regular machine gun shooting — COOL machine gun shooting. He held the gun in front of his waist and shot. However, he miscalculated everything and the recoil left the weapon clattering around, hitting four gas masks, a lieutenant, and Hitler’s balls — repeatedly. A few seconds later when the smoke had cleared, two Germans with a functional sense of humor were laughing at the convulsing Führer. A minute later, both of them had been shot.
William Shakespeare- 1590: During rehearsal for the debut of “The Taming of the Shrew,” the actor who was meant to play Kate fell ill. Knowing a job done right would have to be done himself, Shakespeare sent him home and took his place. The actor playing Petruchio, frustrated with Shakespeare’s overly meticulous directions, seized an opportunity, “accidentally” smacking the bard in the balls during a monologue. Elizabethan men love a stiff upper lip, but Shakespeare plotted even as his actors broke character to laugh at him convulsing on the floor. Ol’ Billy decided then and there to create a world where the actors could die horribly every single night. Months later, he debuted “Titus Andronicus.”
adolf Hitler
Judas- 30 CE: As Jesus left the Temple, money changers’ tables strewn about and the sanctity of his father’s house back in order, a low mumble skittered past his ear. “Great,” the person said, “those guys had all of my silver. I had like, thirty pieces, man, now I’m never going to see it!” Enraged that one of his own folks would so much treasure earthly belongings as opposed to the promise of eternal paradise, the J-Man halted in his tracks. Turning around, he saw a sheepish Judas staring right at him. Still full of bravado, Jesus ordered his disciples to hold down the soulless betrayer, as they each took turns kicking the abomination in the balls. As Judas screamed, he made a promise to his withering nuts — he would avenge them. Oh, yes. He would have his revenge.
Josef Stalin- 1950: A psychology student in America wrote an article for her school paper, citing Freud’s theories of Oedipal frustration as the reason Joe was such a fucking dick, like all the time. Stalin procured a copy through his admittedly overpaid espionage department and went berserk. He called his advisors and embarked on a tirade of threats, including the use of the new nukes he’d been itching to try out. During the spiel, one of the advisors fell asleep. His friend noticed and shook him awake. As the advisor panicked he swung his arms about, catching the rage-pacing Stalin right in the twig and berries. Stalin keeled over, and everyone knew death was near. But Stalin laughed and patted the young man on the shoulder, and every advisor laughed too. That was the first nutshot to ever prevent thermonuclear war, and it revitalized the Russian tradition of hitting each other in the balls for fun.
Josef Stalin
Benjamin Franklin- 1777: As an American diplomat tasked with winning the French over to the side of freedom and hamburgers, Franklin experimented a lot with the Parisians. When boning didn’t work immediately, Franklin shtupped a few dozen more French floozies and came up with another plan involving his crotch. We won’t say Franklin’s Paris Slapsdick Show isn’t the only thing responsible for winning the French over with our sophistication and je ne sais pa. We’ll let history do that.
Jeanne d’Arc- 1429: Speaking of the French, did you know that they have delicate, dainty little nuts? It’s true. For hundreds of years, the mark of a true man was the ability to withstand testicular trauma. When the first naysayer punched Jean in the groin and sprained his pretty little wrist, the French army knew she was a man among men and started taking her up on her invitations to pull her finger.
Harry Whittington- 2006: Never go hunting with a vice president. Al Gore will complain about the heat, Joe Biden doesn’t know which end of the gun is the shooty part and Dick Cheney will straight-up shoot you in the balls and face. That is entirely Whittington’s fault for not knowing. He’s so sorry, again, Your Excellency the Cheney.
Jeanne d’arc
Martin Luther King Jr- 1964: By ‘64, Dr. King was well-established serial adulterer that campaigned for racial equality without all that, “left Twix/ right Twix” jazz. Today, we see Dr. King as a revolutionary peacemaker, but that’s because we aren’t Harlem Muslims in 1964. A radical sect got “mad” that “Dr.” King was “preaching” “nonviolence,” and one day when he was visiting, the Harlem kids released a barrage of rocks and vitriol straight at his lady lumps. Martin took all that he could (One. One was all that he could take.) before ending up on the ground screaming things no preacher should scream at the Harlem men. Legend has it that that was the first time the word “shitfucker” was ever uttered.
Kim Jong-un- 2012: After Kim Jong-il died, North Korea was left without a heartless dictator to threaten South Korea with nuclear war and starve the people to death. Kim Jong-il had five children, only three of whom had workable penises. Of those three, little pudding-shaped Jong-un was the youngest and the doughiest. So how did he achieve the position of Supreme Leader? We call it “roshambo” when a group of people kick each other in the nuts as hard as they can and the last one standing wins, but in Korea it’s called “KimKimSmalBalKik.” Jong-un came out on top. Is this because North Korea’s answer to the Pillsbury Doughboy has undescended testicles? Kim Jong-un approached their convulsing bodies, knelt down and whispered, “You fools. My weakness is my strength and I am eternal. Die like dogs!”
Martin Luther King Jr.
GUESS THE LOGO
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six degrees of separation
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