The Black Sheep
F YOU REE... R L LIKE AU N M A DRY MA OVE DOIN RB G REA K.
Vol. 6, Issue 8
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
3/13/14 - 3/26/14
SEVEN UMN STUDENTS YOU’LL FIND ON CAMPUS DURING SPRING BREAK ALEXANDRA ADAMS WROTE THIS Ah, spring break. It’s a time for overpriced beach vaycays, mom finally doing your laundry again, impromptu road trips and for some, nothing at all. Here a UMN, the campus basically never shuts down, what with a student population that dwarfs many US towns. But with that comes the sad truth that many students will be on campus over spring break. They are an odd bunch certainly, but The Black Sheep, has a pretty good idea of which UMN kids you’ll find here over break. The workaholic: This UMN kid is either poor, addicted to her job, or both. Either way, this student is stuck for hours shoveling the Mall or toiling in a Caribou until finally getting a real degree and getting the eff out. And by “out” we mean “a boring white color office job,” maybe in the IDS tower or some BS. The frat boy: Why bother flying all the way from MSP to Cabo when you can just get drunk here instead? Plus, your brother told you in confidence that he’s terrified of airport security check points (probably due to a crippling homophobia and the whole “pat down” business). It’s far easier to stay home and drink. The stoner: What better is there to do in freezing, unbearable Minnesota than blaze it? According to these guys and gals, nothing. Hell, spring break is a stoner’s wet dream. A full week of literally no obligations? We’re surprised Hideaway on 4th isn’t packed already. Where else can you get a pipe in the shape of Bart Simpson or a pineapple-themed bong? Pizza Luce Seward and Mesa Pizza drivers, gird your loins. The straight-A student: We’re not saying stoners can’t be straight-A students, we’re just saying the crossover tends to be limited. Regardless, some students actually waste away break in an o-chem textbook or holed up in Walter. At the U there are hella competitive majors so this plan, while totally sucking tits, is a smart one. The gamer: It doesn’t matter at all where he is, just that he’s wearing a headset and swearing at strangers. Why bother going anywhere when there’s an Xbox in front of you? He sustains himself on Doritos, Mountain Dew, and kill counts. He’s very cool to the very select group of people he’s never met IRL. But it doesn’t matter. The gamer is happy. Poorly maintained in the hygiene department, but still happy.
The artist: Why go home when you can instead drown yourself in solitude and the occasional video chat with fellow weirdos across the world? The creator relishes all situations that may result in a crazy burst of inspiration, and being fairly alone on campus is certainly one of those. Also, vodka. The artist likes vodka.
during Welcome Week, he generally found himself either gulping beer in a corner or… nope. Just that. That was all. And he certainly does not want to go home. The only thing that annoys him more than everything else is his Minnesota Mom who pries “lovingly” into his nonexistent love life and forces upon him an eighth round of Hot Dish.
The loner: When it comes to socialization, the loner is down for the count. He absolutely refuses to go to any sort of party with more than ten people and maybe for good reason. When he used to try that back
It’s true. The UMN kids you’ll find on campus during spring break are a bit of a peculiar bunch. But when your school has 50,000 students, you’re bound to have some odd ones floating around.
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JUNIOR WALKS THROUGH DINKYTOWN SOBER
TOP 10: SEXY WAYS TO GET AROUND CAMPUS
COLORBLIND STUDENT INCESSANTLY PINCHING LOCALS
ONE GIRL WILL NEVER SEE DINKYTOWN THE SAME AGAIN.
WHEN IN DOUBT, GET A SEGWAY.
SHE INSISTS THEY’RE NOT WEARING GREEN, BUT… COME ON NOW.
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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.
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JUNIOR WALKS THROUGH DINKYTOWN
SOBER FOR THE FIRST TIME CORA NEISEN WROTE THIS
MINNEAPOLIS, MN- On March 12th, 2014 at 7:25p.m., junior sociology major Kim Harding walked through Dinkytown sober for the first time since starting school at the University of Minnesota. She was walking from her apartment in Stadium Village to her friend’s apartment to work on a group presentation. While at first it didn’t occur to her that this was a monumental stroll, she began to notice so many details she had failed to see before. “As I turned off 15th onto 4th, I didn’t realize I was going to have my mind blown in just a few short minutes. My main focus was not getting mugged, and then BAM! I see Dinky in a way I hadn’t before,” Harding commented. The pivotal moment came when she saw lights on in Goldy’s Locker Room. Kim, along with many other students, often forgets that Goldy’s Locker Room exists because the store is closed during party hours (which is weird considering that after 10p.m. on a weekend might be the only time Gopher students are okay with paying $100 for a sweatshirt). After discovering that Goldy’s Locker Room exists, she quickly looked all around and noticed other details she had failed to notice in all of her drunken stupors—The Book House, Publika Tea and Coffee Union, and Autographics Printing were never-seen-before treasures. “I felt like I was in a whole new world,” Harding told The Black Sheep, “Dinkytown transformed from a giant street party with drunkies puking and people celebrating into a quiet place with homeless people and dirty sidewalks right before my eyes.”
The other crucial difference Harding noted was the absence of long lines outside of Blarney Stone and Mesa Pizza. “I was shocked to see that there wasn’t a 20-minute line outside Mesa, and the only people inside Blarney’s were a sad, overweight man in stretchy pants and a group of girls celebrating a 21st birthday doing shots with their waiter.” While walking past Mesa, Harding felt that she needed to take advantage of the short Mesa line, and decided to grab a piece of pizza inside. “I walked in and that’s when everything changed. I didn’t recognize anything or anyone. The lime green and red walls, which I was also surprised about, were closing in on me and I felt like a freshman in their first lecture in Willey Hall,” Harding recalled. She quickly muttered that she wanted the mac n cheese pizza, a safe bet for any occasion, and hustled back out into the winter air. She later told The Black Sheep that she felt more disoriented in that incident than she did that one time she woke up on a couch smelling of baked beans and cigars in the SAE basement wearing a coconut bra and harem pants. However, as she continued walking toward her destination, she wasn’t comforted. “To tell you the truth, I felt like I was walking through a ghost town,” Harding said with a shiver. “No drunk people giving me big hugs, no familiar voice of the McDonald’s bouncer yelling at me to get a move on, and no crowds of loud, obnoxious people. It was eye opening, it really was. My perception of the world has shifted and after this, I will never see Dinkytown the same again.”
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CURRENT EVENTS
THE
TOP
TEN
SEXY WAYS TO GET AROUND CAMPUS
MATHEW KENNEDY WROTE THIS It’s cold as frick outside, there’s no denying that. There’s also no denying why we came to college: We want to get an education and attract members of the opposite sex. Did you know that there are ways that you can do both at the same time? 10.) Ride the Local Bully: Sure, now bullying only happens online, but there is still a certain sex appeal in being able to take down the local bully. The best way to do this is to confront him in a very public place (the Mall, Frat Row, etc). Defeat them in a good-ole-fashion duel, put reigns on them, and watch the opposite sex flock to you like pigeons to a lonely old man on a bench. 9.) Some Ecological Thingy: Thanks to sex icon Al Gore, going green is the new sexy. If you can do something that’s good for the environment, you’re sure to be able to get some sort of hippie to strike up conversation with you. Try doing something like riding a bike or carpooling.
Student with Grad-Student Economics Instructors Demands Refund DAVID ZIRINSKY WROTE THIS The cost of college tuition has been going up year after year, but the quality of a college education has not, a University of Minnesota economics student realized Wednesday night. “I realized that all my instructors were graduate students, pursuing their PhDs. That’s nice, however I want to be taught by someone who actually has their PhD.,” Kyle Schmit, an economics sophomore said adding, “Like, I don’t want to be operated on by someone who is getting a medical degree. When I go to the hospital I go to see a damn doctor.” A fellow economics student Martin Doroff said, “What bothers me is that in my time here -- with the exception of one introductory course with an actual professor -- I have been exclusively taught by graduate students.” Other students within the major agreed that it made sense for professors with PhDs to spend time on research, it was hard to see the logic behind not teaching undergraduate students. Many had said the mixed teaching quality of graduate students was as bad as the quality of meat served in Comstock. So Kyle did what most angry customers did, he demanded a refund. “I know that graduate students make less than $30,000 a year. It’s great that they get paid to teach while getting their PhD, but I pay roughly 20 grand a year for tuition. I’m definitely getting the short end of the stick.” With his knowledge of calculus, some Lagrangians that economists love so much and a prayer to the Sun God Ra, Kyle found that roughly two economics students’ tuition would cover one graduate students pay.
8.) Money-Wings: Let’s be honest. Nothing attracts potential lovers quite like money. There are subtle ways to show that you’re wealthy, like wearing fraternity apparel or carrying a bottle of Grey Goose with you. But, if you really want to show your wealth, forge wings using nothing but cash money. The best way to do this is to model the wings that Icarus made in the old legend (don’t fly too close to the sun, though). 7.) Segway: There are two people who really showed the world how sexy a Segway can be: Paul Blart (Mall Cop) and our very own Goldy the Gopher. And while none of us mortals can match what they brought to the Segway table, we can sure mimic it. So grab a Segway, find your partner of choice, and take a 7-mile-perhour cruise off into the sunset together. 6.) Hijack a Campus Connector: A girl likes a bad boy, and a boy likes a bad girl. And what’s worse than committing crime? Ever since the Grand Theft Auto series debuted in 1997, the stealing of automobiles has been more popular and easier than ever. Imagine you and your new fling cruising around corners in a Campus Connector while resisting arrest. And they say romance is dead. 5.) Full-On Sprint: There’s nothing like an athlete. But, what if your Tapout shirt doesn’t do enough to show how much of an athlete you are? It’s time to make yourself stand out. So, treat your ten minute walk to Nicholson Hall like it’s the 100-meter dash. No stopping. Put on your tightest shirt and best running shoes and don’t stop until you’re in your seat. You may not be able to actually stop and talk to your admirers, but just wear a cape with your phone number sewn onto it. 4.) Chariot Pulled by Hellspawn-Horse-Demons: Trust us when we say this: There’s nothing that shows more power than riding a chariot commanded by the servants of Satan himself. Riding a Hellspawn-HorseDemon Chariot shows someone that you want a relationship, but you don’t need a relationship. Kind of. In a way. 3.) CondomMobile: Sure, sex is cool and whatnot. But, when it comes down to it, protection is the way to go. By driving around the CondomMobile, you show that you’re ready at a moment’s notice. Spontaneity is key. And nothing is more spontaneous than the Trojan Volkswagen. 2.) Tandem Bicycle: For the old-school romantics, this is the way to go. Despite being overused in every cartoon everywhere, this is still a way that some people get around. Plus, if you go with this method, you can secretly not pedal when you go up hills and make them do all the work. Score! 1.) Halley’s Comet: You’ll have to wait until the 2060s or something, but if you can pull this off, The Black Sheep guarantees you’ll get at least three phone numbers. There is literally nothing sexier than riding a comet that is visible on Earth every few decades. If you did this, you would for sure be… out of this world.
However, to Kyle’s dismay, it wasn’t easy to get a refund on his tuition. “At first I was directed to the Coffman Bookstore, because someone said they do returns there. However, they told me I couldn’t return my textbooks. When I said I wanted a whole refund for my degree they thought I was joking. They told me to go to the St. Paul Campus.” Kyle would later find out that this was just a cruel trick played on him to visit a desolate part of campus that people wouldn’t even send their worst enemy to. Kyle then did what every person did: He tried to demand a discount, telling The Black Sheep, “I went to my advisor and asked if I could get a discount because the university was giving me ramen-equivalent instructors. My advisor said something about tuition being non-negotiable, and I was like, ‘Come on, brah.’” Kyle wasn’t done. He sought out the oracle Goldy for his wisdom, and he received it. Kyle would later say, “Goldy showed me the way—in order to receive a refund I would have to look deep into my heart.” Kyle practiced his economics homework vigorously, and finally found an answer buried somewhere under his labor economics textbook. “But then it dawned on me I don’t need a discount or a refund from anyone, the university was right the whole time. I need to finish my degree, at full tuition. I can default on my student loans! Then it won’t be my problem, it’ll be the taxpayers’!” Kyle concluded, cleverly using his undergraduate economics knowledge that may have been passed down from a professor somewhere.
05
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS IF YOU COULD BE THE PATRON SAINT OF SOMETHING, YOU’D BE THE PATRON SAINT OF… Libby, Freshman
“Food allergies.”
Sophie, Freshman
“Procrastination.”
Alexa, PSEO student
“Patron saint of naps!”
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COLORBLIND STUDENT INCESSANTLY PINCHING LOCALS, INSISTS THEY’RE NOT WEARING GREEN MEGAN FELZ WROTE THIS Though colorblindness affects a mere 8-10% of the population, that percentage seems a lot higher on St. Patrick’s Day. People afflicted with this condition are able to function as normal members of society, except when Patty’s day rolls around. On March 17th 2014, University of Minnesota students and staff witnessed a phenomenon that can only be describe as “comically idiotic” and “the opposite of things that makes sense.” Colorblind student Patrick Starr was seen incessantly pinching students who, according to Starr “were not wearing green on St. Patty’s Day.” They were, in fact, wearing green, while he himself was wearing clothes that can only be described by the entirety of the color-seeing population as “not green.” The shenanigans began early in the morning, as the sun was just peeking over the remains of the Metrodome. Starr’s first victim, Sally Whatsherface, a middle-aged woman wearing a green sombrero was reported saying “I almost used the self-
defense moves that I learned at the library after I felt the pinch. It was literally a centimeter from my butt. Like, c’mon, I use that to sit.” The woman initially thought that Starr was trying to get fresh with her, but then was confused after he planted the pinch and then gallivanted away like an A.D.D-addled five-year-old. When asked to comment on the incident, an innocent bystander stated, “It was almost as random as the Naked Leprechaun 5k that my boyfriend and I saw around the Mall of America. It didn’t make any sense. The kid was wearing a Big Bird yellow muscle tee with yellow cords. He looked like a banana.” Following this incident, Starr began what’s now referred to as “The Pinchfest of Mistaken Pinching: 2014” (more creative title pending). Similar incidents were reported on the Campus Connector, Wilson Library, and The Cube. While riding the Connector, Engineering student Mark Nolastname, was caught off guard by such an experience. He vaguely recalled being pinched on his weenis and desperately
wanting to curl into the fetal position. He refuses to comment on the incident, but reportedly bought a pair of elbow pads immediately after. The night of the 17th, Starr, found himself at the 17th Ave. residences, pinching students walking out of the swanky new dining hall, just like a claw grabber at an arcade. Homeless people and small children alike—all garbed in green-- were not spared. Person after person, hour after hour, pinch after unwarranted pinch consumed St. Patrick’s Day for Starr. Some people were cool with it, while others overreacted and threw green beer in his face (disclaimer: The Black Sheep doesn’t condone such a waste of beer). With a final pinch count of 62 students, 3 elderly gentlemen on their way to brunch, 1 Canadian and Goldy the Gopher, this incident will surely be remembered for its questionable pinching and overall lack in Disney Channel’s The Luck of the Irish quotes. This has inspired the creation of
national anti-pinching movements, while simultaneously drawing awareness to the plight of colorblind individuals, and spurring the development of witty bumper stickers. In a world where green apples appear
blue. Green grapes look like purple grapes, and chlorophyll doesn’t have that classic emerald shade, it’s difficult to know when and when not to pinch someone on St. Patty’s Day. We can only hope that as awareness increases, pinching massacres like this become a thing of the past.
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SPECIAL NIGHT
Every Day in March: $5 Irish Car Bombs Maike it a Cap N Coke Double for $2 More
TUES: 8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
MON: Flippin’ Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
EVERYDAY: Happy Hour 3-6PM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies
WED: No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
Thursday 3/13
COLLEGE THURSDAYS 8pm - Close: All you care to drink! $6 Bottomless Domestic Beer, $10 Bottomless Rails and Domestic Beers, $1 Orange bombs, $3 Jack and Soco
9pm - Close: $3 Coors Light, $3 Long Islands, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
Karaoke Thursdays! $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 Shots from 10-close.
1/2 Price Bottles of Wine Starting at 5pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover
No Cover! $3 Cruzan Run $3 Budweiser Products, $3 Cruzan Rum and Svedka $6 Dozen Wings (7pm-Midnight)
Friday 3/14
8pm - Close: $4 3 Olives vodka $5 3 Olives Flavored long islands, $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
8pm - Close: $3 Mich. Golden Light Pints $3 Rails, Live Music 10pm Close, $3 Grape Apes, $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm Close
Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Saturday 3/15
8pm - Close: $4 Bacardi Drinks $2 Mini Bombs (jager, cherry, orange)
9pm - Close: $3 Domestic Bottles 9pm - Midnight: $3 You-Call-It Shots $5 Personal Pizzas until 1:30am
$2 Rails & Tier 1 Pints: 9pm - 11pm $3 Rails & Tier 1 Pints, $4 Tier 2 Pints: 11pm - Close
$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight Happy Hour 3-6PM $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close
$3 Wells & Domestic Bottles (7pm-10pm)
Sunday 3/16
Closed on Sundays
10am - 2pm: $5 Stack of Pancakes, $4 Bloody Mary’s Screwdrivers 6pm - 11pm: All burgers $6.99, 8 - 11pm: Buy any app or dessert get a free pitcher of domestic or lite beer 8-close: $3 Domestic Bottles and $2.50 Rail Drinks
Sunday Funday! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 4pm - Close
$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys & Screwdrivers 10am-Midnight | Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-1AM, $2 Select Beers & Drinks 1/2 Price Select Apps
Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!
No Cover! Inventory Reduction Sunday (IRS) $3 Specials that change every Sunday from 7pm-Close
Monday 3/17
Mason Jar Monday 8pm-close: $3 Double Jack, Soco, or Rails, and Bud and Bud Light Taps $5.00 Bud and Bud Light Pitchers, $10.00 Bud and Bud Light Towers
8pm - Close: $3 Coors Mugs, $5 Jameson Gingers, All Day Pizza for Pennies! Buy any large pizza and get the 2nd pizza for $0.99
Flippin' Drinks! Flip for Free Drinks (Any Drink or Shot) 9pm - Close
$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
College ID Night! Free cover with any College ID - old or new!
NO COVER! Happy Hour Drinks: 3:30pm-Close $3 Domestic Bottles, $3 Rail Drinks, $4 Specialty Bottles, $4 Call Drinks, $5 Top Shelf Drinks $0.35 Wings 8pm-11pm (Dine in only)
Tuesday 3/18
8pm-close: $3 U Call Its Rails, Calls,and Every Beer on Tap (items subject to tax)
8pm - Midnight: Shamrock Burgers 8pm - close: $5 Domestic Lite Pitchers, $5 Margaritas, $3 Tequila Shots
Birthday Karaoke Night!
Taco Tuesdays 5pm-10pm Root City Trio at 9:30pm Happy Hour 3-6PM, 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Ladies Night! Free cover for all ladies Men: Wear any Deja vu or Hustler apparel and get in free!
No Cover! Karaoke: 9pmClose, Beer Pong, $3 Budweiser Products and Well Drinks, $3 Heineken, Heineken Light, Amstel Light & Dos Equis Bottles 7pm-midnight, $5 Mini Burger Platter (7pm-11pm)
Wednesday 3/19
The Bar Grid
Call 612.379.6082 to schedule an appointment or visit TheRailApts.com
8pm - Close: $0.25 Wings w/ College or Military ID $0.50 wings w/ out ID or Wristband $8 AYCD: Rails, Miller Lite Tap, Bacardi Oakheart $1.50 High life tall boys
$2 Half Pound Burgers 5-10pm Happy Hour 3-6PM & 10PM-12AM: $2 Select Beers & Drinks, 1/2 Price Select Apps
Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to all Ladies
No Cover! Kill The Keg: $5 Bottomless Miller High Life Taps $3 Miller Lite Bottles, $3 Vodka, $3 Captain $5 Pizzas 8pm-Midnight
8pm - close: $5 for one pound of boneless wings, $2 for 1’s
Bring in 5 Friends 21+ & The Birthday Person Drinks for Free! (excludes shots & top shelf)
$3 Tier 1 Mugs, $4 Tier 2 Mugs, $3 Long Island Pints
Wings N Things $0.39 Wings: 4pm - 10pm 2-4-1 Drinks (9-Close)
the wordsearch
the month of march
Green Beer Leprechaun Rainbows Shamrock Shake Celtic Clovers Irish Saint Patrick Kiss Me Spring Break Sunshine Margaritas Mardi Gras Spring Sunburns Aloe Vera Wet T-Shirt Contest Beach Novelty Tees Midterms
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e G GAMES Th IN K IN R D | PECIALS | BAR S ARTICLES
Are You SMARTER
THAN?
1) Modern Medicine: What common overthe-counter drug has seen sales restrictions put in place, as it can be used to produce methamphetamine?
SARA of BLARNEY STONE
6) Geopolitics: The hotly contested Crimean Peninsula is located encircled by what body of water?
2) TV: What TV show sees it opening each episode with two teens, Penny and Luke?
7) Technology: What cell phone maker was bought by Google in 2011, only to be sold to laptop maker Lenovo in 2014?
3) Money: The rand is the currency of what African country?
8) Music: What song recently won the 2014 Academy Award for Best Song?
4) Fire: The “fire triangle” is a model that explains the three components needed for fire. Name two.
9) Earth: What is the proper name for the thick layer of molten rock between Earth’s crust and core?
5) Wordplay: What’s the proper name for rearranging letters in a word or phrase to produce a new word or phrase?
10) The alphabet: Without using your hands, what are the two middle letters of the alphabet?
Sara’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Cough medicine 2) How I Met Your Mother 3) South Africa 4) Air, energy 5) Ummmm 6) No idea 7) Motorola 8) Something from Frozen...? 9) Crust 10) M,N
1) Sudafed 2) How I Met Your Mother 3) South Africa 4) Fuel, heat, oxygen 5) Anagram 6) The Black Sea 7) Motorola 8) “Let it Go” from Frozen 9) Mantle 10) M, N
Sara’s Score: 4.5 out of 10
RECIPE for DISASTER
DRINKING GAME Chickens
Guinness Cupcakes
Sitting around at a bar is always a good time, but sometimes talking about last night’s hookup over and over gets … lame. Here’s a quick and easy game you can play at a booth in the bar that doesn’t require much skill or many supplies.
St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner, and everything’s coming up green. This year, combine everyone’s favorite beer into your favorite after-dinner snack. That’s right, baby: Guinness cupcakes.
What You’ll Need: At least 2 quarters and drinks! Number of Players: 2 teams of 3 or 4 people each. Level of Intoxication: A good lil’ buzz.
What You’ll Need: 3 and 1/2 sticks salted butter, 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, 1 cup Guinness Extra Stout beer, 4 teaspoons vanilla extract, 1 and 1/3 cups granulated sugar, 1 and 1/14 cups flour, 3/4 teaspoon baking soda, 2 large eggs, 3-4 cups powdered sugar, 3-4 tablespoons Irish coffee creamer, 1/3 cup sprinkles and cupcake tin liners. Cook Time: About an hour. Fatty Factor: The alcohol cancels it all out.
How to Play: - Split up into teams and sit together on opposite sides of the table. - One team puts all of their hands under the table and discreetly passes around a quarter between them. The other team sits there and watches (no, it’s not weird). - When the team without the quarter feels ready, they yell, “Up chickens!” The team with the quarter must stop passing the coin and put their elbows up on the table, making fists. - The team without the quarter then yells, “Down chickens!” The players must slam their hands down on the table. The goal is for the person with the quarter to slam their hands down without having the coin make a clanging sound on the table. - The other team now has to try to guess which hand is holding the quarter. If there are only 3 players per team, they get 2 guesses. If there are 4 players, they get 3 guesses. The guess has to be a unanimous decision among the team, so we suggest having a spokesperson. - If the team finds the quarter, the passing team drinks; if they don’t find the quarter, the guessing team has to drink. Then it’s the other team’s turn! - Don’t cheat. Don’t hide the quarter under your leg, slide it off the table, etc. You can try to psych out the other team by faking out passes, “strategizing,” whatever. The Game Ends When: Your hands are bruised and you need more brew.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Get our your sticks of butter and leave them on the counter to soften up. - Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and a line a cupcake tin with liners. - In a saucepan, melt 1 and 1/2 sticks of butter and add in the Guinness, 2 teaspoons vanilla extract and the cocoa. After melted and mixed, remove from heat. - In a bowl, mix together granulated sugar, flour and baking soda. Then pour in the cooled - Guinness/butter mixture and the eggs one at a time. Keep mixing until they’re just combined. - Divide the batter in the cupcake tin and bake for 22-24 minutes. - To make the frosting, beat the remaining butter with an electric mixer until smooth. - Add powdered sugar, coffee creamer and remaining vanilla extract, and beat until medium thickness. Add more powdered sugar if you need to. - Frost the cooled cupcakes and shake on some sprinkles! We don’t advise trying to shove these down a beer bong.
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
St. pAtty’s Day advice For the ginger male NIC KANAAR WROTE THIS For one night of the year, redheaded men aren’t the butt of every joke, or on the bottom of every woman’s “would never bang” list. It’s a day where the entire town’s main priority is to get irrevocably smashed, and your red mane could be at the center of it all. It’s a night to remember, and after ten hours of drinking, hopefully you will. Follow the tips on the next page and you’ll celebrate Saint Patrick like he would have wanted: red hot and on fire. Have a drink on us, you “Irish” bastards.
There’s one
glorious day of the year...
...when green beer and social intoxication runs rampant throughout bars across the nation: St. Patty’s Day. Not only does this day promote mind-altering, bone-crushing, party animal behavior, but it also recognizes a group of people not normally celebrated for, well, anything. We’re talking to you, male gingers of America. You deserve a break from the torments brought onto you by your tan, freckle-less, dark-haired peers, yes, you dserve a day when everyone embraces your “uniqueness.” Redheaded women have escaped the teasing that has escalated over the past ten years thanks to the likes of Isla Fisher, Kate Mara, and Jessica Rabbit, but that doesn’t mean a Ginger man can’t rule one very drunk day of the year. This redheaded writer from The Black Sheep has the tips to ensure the ginger gentleman’s St. Patty’s Day includes one hell of a night.
Go Red AND Green: Obviously you’re gonna want to wear a shit-ton of green, but be smart about it. Instead of instinctually covering up your fiery hair with some kind of hat, let your fire burn for the world to see. Everyone who notices you and your hair on St. Patty’s Day is going to assume you’re Irish, and this is the one day you don’t have to deny your potato-humping heritage. Even if you aren’t a man of Celtic persuasion, by exposing your red hair you’ll have more free beer flying at your face then you’ll know what to do with. You’ll be a St. Patty’s Day guest of honor and drunk people will want to pay you a drunken tribute. Keep that funny hat off and play the Irish role people want you to play. Becoming a novelty happens at a price, and in this case, that price is copious amounts of free booze. If you’re really committed, which you should be, put on an Irish accent to compliment your green appearance. People enjoy authenticity, so fake that shit. Girls can be suckers for a man with an accent, and what better time to try it out than on a night where people are hammered by noon? With the right amount of practice, any redhead could sound like the foreign strange every girl dreams of. Besides, you could get away with saying anything as long as you emphasize the accent. Instead of getting slapped for saying “top o’ the morning to ya, would you like to sit on my face?” they’ll assume your “Irish” ass is charming.
Don’t Forget Your Lucky Charms: If you’re going to go overboard with the outfit and go full leprechaun, that’s fine too. The Black Sheep suggests you carry a small loot of fake gold coins in your pocket with your phone number etched on each one. Think about it: you walk up the bar wearing green overalls and stand next to some six-foot-tall brunette babe. Order your beer and immediately buy her a drink as well. Before she has time to thank you, flick her one of the gold coins, give her a wink and walk away with as much swagger that your green clogs will allow you. That woman will be balancing your “lucky charms” on her green stained tongue before the nights over. Speaking of props, this next trick should be done well into the drunken night. We call this one the “Green Jesus,” and it’s easy to execute. Beforehand, head to your local supermarket and purchase a small container of green food coloring. This is what most cheap bars use to give the beer that disturbing yet flavorless greet tint. Target a woman sipping on clear liquor and gather up her female friends to form a crowd. Run your fingers through your red locks and tell them all you are an “Irish Wizard.” Palm the small vile of green dye and hover your hand over her drink allowing a few drops to plummet down into the glass. Quickly pocket the dye, and give the glass a quick shake as you dazzle the crowd with some spirit fingers. As the clear rum suddenly turns green, give the female crowd a slight bow and let the bartender know he’s going to need a mop.
Your Dropkick Murphys: Another important thing to keep in mind as you head out to the festivities is the crew you bring. Like normal, keep your “Ice Man” and “Goose” close to your side as they benefit and help aid your ginger stardom, but not if they too are of the redhead persuasion. Having more than one bush fire in a group of male friends is a problem in itself, but especially during St. Patty’s Day. Multiple copper heads packed into a crowded bar brings down the rarity, thusly taking away your spotlight as you attempt to do a “jig” on a pool table in hopes of applause. No redhead has ever achieved fame by partnering up with another redhead. And no, Lindsay Lohan in the Parent Trap does not count. Make your crew of “tanners” celebrate you as well. When people see you enter a party or a bar on top of your friend’s shoulders they’ll know you’re a big deal. Have them all learn some Irish folk songs and even some Irish toasts, you’ll demand attention when your entire crew sings with green beers raised in the air. Once people see how cool having a ginger around on St. Patty’s day is, they’ll be begging to join your gang. Hang a sign off of your tallest friend that reads “no fatties” and let the selection begin. Gather up the town’s hotties and you’re crew will be the center of attention, with your shamrock ass leading the pack.
Get Her Down on your Dublin: The after party is the time to put the icing on the carrot cake. If your newly-acquainted female companion is still hesitant about sleeping with a soulless pale-face, then we have one grand finale to seal the deal. Carefully paint the seven colors of the rainbow on your pink penis for some obvious Irish fun. By decorating your crank, you’re not only showing the girl what’s at the end of the rainbow, but you’re also saying “Hey, I like to have fun.” What kind of paint do you use? We have no idea. The Black Sheep was a little apprehensive about researching penis paints, so we’ll leave that up to you, just get back to us. If the woman is repulsed by your creativeness, then pack in your four-and-a-half inch rainbow, turn off The Wizard of Oz soundtrack you put on for emphasis, and move on to the next potato groupie.
LET’S PLAY ST. PATTY’S DAY BINGO
NUDITY
GREEN BEER
SOMEONE CRYING
SOMEONE ASLEEP
STRIPED SOCKS
A COP
GREEN EGGS OR HAM
A FIGHT
DROPKICK MURPHYS SHIRT
THIS SIGN
PUKE
A DRINKING TICKET
A PADDY WAGON DRUNK OLD MAN
A BEER BONG
GREENMAN
LEPRECHAUN HAT
A WIPEOUT
A MAKEOUT
OUTDOOR PEEING
A BAGS GAME
A DRUNK ASIAN
MARIJUANA PARAPHERNALIA
INDOOR SUNGLASSES
the crossword ACROSS: 2) Jon Bon Jovi’s real last name. 4) This John was a 1930’s bank robber, there’s also a band with his name in the title. 5) A John might refer to someone who is the leader of a group of what? 8) HIs real name is Philip Clapp, the original Jackass. 9) John Cena’s primary occupation is in what? 11) Uncle Jesse, two words. 14) John Madden was the coach of this town’s team when they won the Super Bowl in 1976. 17) The “F” in John F. Kennedy.
famous jo(h)n’s dad in which sitcom. 8) John Mayer is currently dating this pop star, two words. 10) The prominent medical university, Johns what? 12) “Sittin on the John” might refer to sitting on a what? 13) Johnny Cash often sang at this prison. 13) The famous Beatle who sang “Imagine.” 16) We might know this John best as Danny Zuko.
DOWN: 1) The second president of the United States, two words. 3) This John ran against Barack Obama in 2008. 6) Johnny Depp won the Golden Globe for Best Actor in 2008 for which movie, two words? 7) John Goodman is best known for his role as the
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