The Black Sheep ON
Vol. 6, Issue 9
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FR THE EE...L DAY IKE TO N J U M BAN PING DW AG O N.
3/27/14 - 4/2/14
THE DOS AND DON’TS OF
FINDING A SPRING CUDDLE BUDDY DAVID ZIRINSKY WROTE THIS
While humans in all corners of the world have an ingrained biological instinct to mate, Minnesotans have incentive to find more than a simple hole or pole: yes, we need a cuddle buddy. With a cold season lasting nine never-ending months, Gopher State residents seek someone with whom they can warm up their blankets. This is seen as preferable to crying alone, pretending to not care about dying alone, or moving to Florida. Below are a few tips that will help you find someone to be your cuddle buddy. The first step to finding a cuddle buddy on the University of Minnesota campus starts with you, yes you, actually talking to people. We went to a statistics professor, did a T test on a large enough sample, and found a 95% confidence interval that somewhere between 99.7% and 99.9% of cuddle buddy pairings have spoken to each other more than once. With that prerequisite out of the way, we can talk about more advanced verbal techniques that get a lonesome Gopher from point A to point B. You’re in college, the most social time of your life. Go to the Walter Library (okay maybe not there), check out student groups, parties, Dinkytown bars or anywhere your peers gather to talk to people. You get the idea. The next thing is to find something cool to talk about. Don’t talk about your major or your B-grade internship in which you fetch coffee for people preying on lower–class citizens. Make up something people wanna talk about. Tell them about how you were raised by wolves who only communicated with you through multivariable calculus. That’s something any person of any gender or orientation wants to know more about. Once she’s enamored by your lupine upbringing you can try to do an activity together. This can range from a friendly game of Mario Kart to a rousing round of beer pong. Whatever activity you choose, make sure a blanket or comforter is nearby, should real-life cuddling go down. If this is your first go-round with a potential cuddling companion, bring a friend to be a third wheel. Now, you may think the third wheel may present a problem, but that’s why you’re reading this article, not fist-deep in some strange...down
comforter action. Once it’s become apparent you two are going to spend some time literally between the sheets, use a pre-ordained code word to get Mr. Wheel outta the house. As soon as he exits, explain to your cuddle buddy-to-be that he’s “really lonely” all the time because he’s a “total loser” that you befriend out of pity. A potential freak in the sheets will totally dig it. From there, simply round the bases. If all the above steps don’t work, there is one option left to you, dear
reader of The Black Sheep. First, grab your wallet and shoes. Then drive to a local Toys ‘R Us and buy a life-sized stuffed animal. Strap it in real safe in the passenger seat, and skedaddle on home. Everyone who sees you will think you’re weird, but at lease you have that new cuddle buddy, right? But seriously, it’s okay to talk to that stuffed animal if you want. Lastly, we want to remind you that there is one key thing: Keep it consensual.
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PAGES 12-13
A CHICK’S GUIDE TO BASEBALL BASICS
UMN GREEK WARS SOON TO AIR ON VH1
TACO BELL MENU FLOPS: PAST AND PRESENT
WAIT, IT’S MORE THAN JUST DRINKING BEER AND WATCHING HOT GUYS?
FINALLY ALL THE GDI’S CAN FEEL APART OF THE EXCITEMENT.
HEY, ROME WASN’T BUILT IN A DAY, AND NEITHER WAS TACO BELL’S PERFECTION.
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A CHICK’S GUIDE TO BASEBALL BASICS TBS STAFF WROTE THIS
Minneapolis, it’s almost time to get out your baseball caps and wieners! Ladies, if your boyfriend is an American (which, just duh) he’s just as pumped for opening day as the night you let him eat Cheetos during sex. But if you’re like most women, you don’t know shit about baseball other than it includes smoking-hot dudes in tight pants and home plate, which for once, isn’t your vag.
friends and now you’re at the game, so now what? Really, NOW WHAT? If you’re a real Gopher girl, you’ll sneak a pint of vodka into the cargo pocket of your friend’s shorts, because that’s what cargo pockets are made for.
But The Black Sheep has got your back ladies, and we’ll help you to prepare for the tons of ‘girlfriend/ boyfriend time’ called baseball. And we’ll learn you a little something about America’s favorite pastime.
Once you and the guys are sick of the park, just crack open that pint and get ready to be drunk for the next three hours. Yeah dudettes, news flash: BASEBALL HAS NO PREDICTBLE TIME FRAME. If you’re a heavy drinker then jump on that Blue Label, or Popov 100 proof, because it’s going to be a long-ass day.
Clear Your Schedule: First off, baseball is going to consume a lot more time than you’d expect. You’re going to hear random numbers, many numbers. Those numbers are called statistics and they’re not important to you. Forget about them. Those numbers have no impact on your life. We don’t want you worrying your pretty little head over a player’s RBI.
Don’t Try to Learn the Game: We recommend not asking questions, just talk about how attractive the players are. Also, it’s a great idea to bombard your guy friends with selfies. Just take as many selfies as possible. They’ll love it. Make sure to snap one while you’re shoving a massive hot dog in your mouth, too. It’s cute, and really, it represents how chicks understand America’s pastime.
Enjoy the Eye Candy: Listen up, the professional players your boyfriend will continuously talk about will, in fact, be waaaaay hotter than your actual boyfriend. Your boyfriend will never be as hot as the physical player who plays in games, catches balls, looks tan. We can promise you that. If anything’s going to get you through baseball season, it’s thinking about all the hot professional players. Imagine them while your boyfriend porks you.
Don’t Speak Baseballese: We can’t stress this enough: Don’t write checks you can’t cash, chicks. If you don’t know the stats, then just don’t say any number you read on the bathroom wall. If you don’t know any players, don’t say the names of baseball icons who played years ago. You’re going look stupid spouting, “Mark McGuire, Jackie Robinson, Barry Bonds,” and if you happen to mention Sammy Sosa, then F-you. Just, F-you. They don’t play anymore! Also this isn’t a good time to bring up plot themes of Moneyball, or how you admire the game because of The Jackie Robinson Story.
By now, hopefully you’ve realized the true purpose of professional baseball: To give you something to hope for while you screw. If you had any sense at all, you’d demand that your boyfriend bring you to his baseball game man-dates. Ball Park Etiquette: You broke down your guy
Ultimately, just do what you did during football season, stay quiet and root for the appropriate team. Or, for the surefire thing, cheer when you see everyone else cheering. Trust us, you’ll be okay. Booze always helps. But shit, when doesn’t it?
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CURRENT EVENTS
THE
TOP
TEN
THINGS YOUR FRIENDS “DID” OVER SPRING BREAK DAVID ZIRINSKY WROTE THIS
Whatever you did over spring break was pretty fun. Sure, it wasn’t an epic tale that people will remember for centuries, but you didn’t like, almost die from choking back Dorito vomit or anything. However, you’ll always have a few friends who share things that happened over break that we all know never did. From their “exploits” somewhere exotic (they’ll really mean Texas) to staying home and building a cluster server, they’ll have plenty of lies to share! 10.) Meeting someone famous: Odds are that this never happened. The fact that they came up with a lie like that shows how desperately they want your attention. Whenever they bring up seeing Ke$ha you can casually drop the line, “Pics or it didn’t happen.” That should shut them up.
UMN GREEK WARS: SOON TO AIR ON VH1 CORA NEISEN WROTE THIS The formals. The themed parties. The philanthropy. The drama. See it all on a new reality show coming soon to VH1! UMN Greek Wars follows the lives of the hippest sororities and fraternities at the University of Minnesota, documenting the scandals, the ragers, and the outlandish lives of UMN’s Greek life. Although Greek members aren’t allowed to talk to any form of press, our undercover brothers and sisters have done a top-notch job capturing all the must-see moments of Greek life. One employee actually braided a camera into his neck beard. It was that very camera that captured the pilot’s riveting footage.
“You are no longer a nobody GDI oblivious to all the excitement of the Greek world, you are one with the Greeks.” Our pilot episode opens with an intense confrontation between the ever-sexy women of KKG and the snap back-loving men of Sig Ep. When a formal date went awry, leaving Jane* alone in her wedges and sparkly mini dress, crying on the corner of 4th and 10th, her KKG sisters decided to march to Sig Ep and give Tom* what he deserved. In a blonde brigade of stilettos, red lipstick, and crop tops, the girls stormed across 10th street leaving nothing but a trail of Juicy Couture perfume wafting through the air. The girls were met by a wall of men clad in snapbacks, Sperry’s, and khakis. Who will win this showdown? Tune into UMN Greek Wars to find out! While the pilot episode revolves around the ever-popular Sig Ep and KKG, later episodes document the lives of primarily SAE, AΦ, and πΦ. Watch as a harmless skating exchange between SAE and πΦ turns nasty when Kate* confronts Mike* outside for grinding with “that girl” even though she had just made out with Aaron* after Melissa* cheated on Aaron* with Peter* because Peter* was trying to get even
with Kailyn*. Will Kate ever recover from this hardship? Well, we’re excited to give you a brief snippet of what happens: Get to the bottom of the Kate fiasco as you hear about how Kailyn* totally played Peter* because she ended up hooking up with Matt* in a port-a-potty outside a construction site near Northrop. Find out how Mike* dealt with the humiliating encounter outside the skating exchange, will he ever recover? Journey with Kate as she struggles with lies and deceit, and find yourself on the edge of your seat as you enter countless frat parties, stepping into SAE, πKA, Dχ, TKE, Sip Ep, and experiencing a whole new world, often invisible to GDIs. Meet Kate’s* best friend Monica* from AΦ and watch her fall apart as she blacks out at SAE and tries desperately to hold on to her position as philanthropy chair. Will her sweetheart Tyler* from Sig Ep pull her from despair? Struggle with Tyler* as his relationship with Haley* from πΦ crumbles from jealousy.
9.) Anything from the Spring Breakers movie: Let’s be honest, most of us didn’t get halfway through that movie. But if they did “some hardcore stuff, man” that involves anything more than stealing a pack of gum, it didn’t happen. 8.) The drug you’ve never heard of: Some kid who’s hesitant to smoke weed will ignore the fact that they were in some backward southern state with outdated drug laws, and had no contact with any “locals.” Lastly, the fact that they did some hard drug that no one has heard of will further expose the deep extent of their bullshit. 7.) How nice the hotel room was: These people slept on the floor of a Motel 6. They did not have the money, nor the wherewithal to make reservations in a nice hotel. Regardless of locale, this is a golden rule. The nicer the hotel was, the more remote the possibility that cheap college students would stay there. 6.) Applied for jobs or did homework: They’ll tell you this as they hate to admit they spent their break doing nothing of importance. Simply ask said person what their League of Legends level is or if they like House of Cards, and you will know exactly how they spent their break. 5.) Did something awesome with their high school buddies: You know someone who went home for break. This person is most definitely the definition of antisocial. Chances are they just hung out at their parent’s house, but they won’t tell you that. The longer and more elaborate their “cabin in the woods’ story is,” the less they even saw those people. 4.) Got stranded: Your one negative friend will happily share his sad travel story that you have no interest in hearing. Their flat tire will turn into a car wreck, just like making mountains out of molehills. 3.) “My spring break was okay”: This guy had the time of his life, he just doesn’t trust you with his adventures. If you pry enough you’ll hear tales of wonder and adventure. 2.) Didn’t cheat on their significant other: They totally did, multiple times. To quote Macbeth “Thou doth protest too much.” 1.) Hooking up: Remember that one kid who literally is unable to talk to anyone at all? You’ve seen him in all sorts of social settings being awkward as hell. Well when he mentions, “Oh yeah I did (insert whatever you wish) with a girl/guy” we implore you to tell him that he’s a really bad liar.
You are no longer a nobody GDI oblivious to all the relationships and excitement of the Greek world, you are one with the Greeks. You are partying with the elites. You are a part of this world. Put on your fat pants, make some popcorn, and live vicariously through these men and women! Who puked in the blender? Who is that guy wearing jorts and a dickey passed out on the couch? Why was there a girl stumbling home from πKA in caution tape and cowboy boots? How did that GDI with cargo pants and a wind breaker even get into SAE? Discover all this and more when you tune into UMN Greek Wars on VH1! *All names have been changed to protect individuals’ privacy.
05
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD A CLONE, WHAT WOULD BE THE WEIRDEST THING YOU’D MAKE IT DO? Luke, Freshman
“I would make my clone do steroids, I want to see what I would look like super muscular without the work. ”
Kurt, Freshman
“I would make him take unwanted shots for me. That way I can act drunk without the hangover the next day.”
Luke, Freshman
“I would make him fight me. I want to see who would win.”
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STUDENT WHO GAVE UP JESUS FOR LENT SAYS IT’S GOING “PRETTY OKAY, ACTUALLY” RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS Midway through Lent, junior Stella McGivern is “doing fine,” as she works through her decision to give up Jesus for Lent. After contemplating between whether to give up checking her Yahoo Shine horoscope or not, she decided to make the ultimate sacrifice: giving up Jesus. Being a lifelong Catholic, this was initially a giant change for her; however, she has allegedly been doing “just fine, totally” and that her life has been “exponentially better than how it was with Jesus.” Her heritage goes back to medieval Ireland, where her Catholic roots originated. “My family’s been devoutly Catholic since forever, like back when people used to shit in buckets and stuff,” she explained. “We’ve always been especially serious about Lent—we celebrate it every month.” Thus far, McGivern has participated in 263 months of Lent, beginning from when she was a fetus. She was beginning to run out of things to give up, as chocolate, reality TV and three of her six toes are all out of the question. McGivern rationalized her decision to drop Jesus, saying: “I wanted
to give up something that was significant to me, just to show how committed I am to this thing. Also, I need to know which Arab Spring dictator I am, so giving up Buzzfeed quizzes won’t be possible at this time.”
"She has reportedly found this to be absolutely freeing, revealing that 'being a good Samaritan kinda sucked.'” As an alternative to her Christian faith, she first dabbled in Scientology; however, after reminding herself that you had to make at least $3 million per year to be a Scientologist, she ended up switching to full-blown atheism. She has reportedly found this to be absolutely freeing, revealing that “being a good Samaritan kinda sucked.”
“I think she’s having a little too much fun with this,” commented Remus McGivern, her father. “She keeps saying things like, ‘We shouldn’t be hampered by traditional notions of religion,’ and ‘Where was God when Grandma fell into that industrial furnace, huh?’ We didn’t raise her to be this demon-child without values.” “I’ve just been stressing the importance of the individual and our independent choices,” she responded defiantly. “You don’t need a higher power to tell you how to live your life. So far, I’ve gotten like, six abortions in the past couple of weeks. It’s been awesome!” She then proceeded to steal a Twix bar from a small child, which was like, so atheist of her. Luckily, we were able to get a word from The Man himself, Jesus Christ. When McGivern’s name was brought up, He rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Let’s be honest, it isn’t much of a loss now, is it? She used to be okay, but like a week ago, I saw her taking Jell-O shots in a public restroom. Her life’s clearly
going downhill without Me, but it’s her choice. I don’t want to be involved with that hot mess. Anyway, I’m going to go deal with Syria now or something,” Jesus said. “The devil can take that bitch, like honestly.” Pope Francis stepped in, claiming that “He didn’t really mean that, now did you, babe?” According to bystanders, he alleg-
edly shot a furtive glance to Christ, whispering something about “how we have like, five fucking followers right now, so like, let’s not talk shit about them, okay?” According to McGivern, this has been the most liberating experience of her life; she plans to stay atheist. As part of her spiritual journey, she hopes to tackle radical feminism in the near future.
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Are You SMARTER
THAN?
1) Geography: The southernmost point in Europe is in what country? 2) Math: How many degrees are in a triangle? 3) Minutiae: Two US states do not practice Daylight Savings Time. Name one. 4) Economics: The publisher of Theory of Moral Sentiments, this man is considered the founder of economics. 5) Literature: In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, the titular character is the prince of what country?
ALEXANDRA of TONY’S DINER
6) TV: What TV character earnestly feels she is the “voice of [her] generation”? 7) Colors: Mixing two of the three primary colors yields what? 8) Seasons: What two seasons do equinoxes take place in? 9) Baseball: Two modern baseball teams have never made the World Series. Name one. 10) Computers: “.xls” is a file type for what computer program?
Alexandra’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Greece 2) 180 3) Alaska 4) Adam Smith 5) England 6) I don’t know 7) Secondary 8) Fall and spring 9) I don’t know 10) Excel
1) Greece 2) 180 3) Hawaii, Arizona 4) Adam Smith 5) Denmark 6) Girls’ Hannah Horvath 7) A secondary color 8) Spring and fall 9) Washington Nationals, Seattle Mariners 10) Microsoft Excel
Alexandra’s Score: 6 out of 10
RECIPE for DISASTER
DRINKING GAME Pennies
Cheesy Taco Buns
Look, laundry week really socked it to ya, and it’s not like you’re breaking into numismatic collection just to entertain your roommates. Pennies, it is! Stack ‘em up and have at it.
We’re going to take a wild guess here and assume you’re still hungover from spring break, yes? After all those long, hard hours of getting swole at the gym and not putting ranch on everything, your sexy bod is now a gallon of digesting tequila and inauthentic Mexican food. Don’t beat yourself up, just think about everything LiLo has gone through. So since you don’t need to have a bikini body for another two months, treat yourself with more cheese and more carbs.
What You’ll Need: Pennies. Lots and lots of pennies. Number of Players: Two Level of Intoxication: Hey, Lincoln indulged in a belt of whiskey once in a while. How to Play: - Both players assemble a stack of ten pennies in front of them. - Players take turns sliding pennies across the table, attempting to knock down his opponent’s stack. - Each time a player fails to knock down his opponent’s stack, add that penny to the top of the opponent’s stack. - If a player misses his opponent’s stack entirely, he must drink one. - If a player hits his opponent’s stack but fails to knock it over, he must drink two drinks. - If the penny used by the shooter stops and remains in contact with his opponent’s stack, the shooter must drink three drinks. - If a player manages to topple his opponent’s stack, the loser must drink the same number of drinks as there are pennies on the winner’s stack. The Game Ends When: John Wilkes Booth shows up. : (((((((((((((((((
What You Need: 1 tube of biscuit dough, 1lb. ground beef, 1 packet of taco seasoning, 1/2 cup of salsa, 1 (or much, much more) cup shredded cheddar cheese, 1 8oz. package of cream cheese, 4 tablespoons melted butter. Cook Time: All in all, about 30 minutes. Enough time to do some squats. Fatty Factor: You will definitely feel it in your buns. Let’s Get Baked: - Cook up the ground beef, making sure to drain the grease every now and again. - Add the taco seasoning as directed on the packet. - In a bowl, mix together the salsa and cream cheese. - On a greased baking sheet, roll out the biscuits so they are flat and somewhat thin. - Spread about 1 tbsp. of the cream cheese mixture onto the biscuit. - Put a spoonful of ground beef onto the cream cheese mixture. - Finally, sprinkle a bit of shredded cheese on top. - Seal the edges, and brush the tops of biscuits with melted butter. - Bake at 350 degrees for 13-16 minutes, or until tops are lightly browned. - Optional: Dip that shit in ranch, you deserve it. Why go to a third-world country for a butt implant when you can just eat, like, 1000 of these?
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Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present
Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present dan mirabelli wrote this Over the decades, Taco Bell has been known for introducing many ambitious products, and while some reached great success and satiated many a stoner, their risky menu items haven’t always been hits. In honor of the release of the new Taco Bell Breakfast Menu on March 27th, The Black Sheep looks back on failed Taco Bell menu items.
INTRODUCING:
THE FIRST MEAL As Taco Bell’s most recent attempt at breakfast, the fast food chain had to cook up some truly exciting items to stand out in the crowd and overshadow their past failures. With items like the Waffle Taco and the A.M. Crunchwrap, Taco Bell has already drummed up excitement among its fan base. But will they conquer the masses, or will they join the long line of discontinued tortilla-wrapped trash?
THE WAFFLE TACO
The Waffle Taco is exactly what it sounds like, but its most controversial feature is that it is doused in maple syrup. Waffles are not exactly known for being syrup retardant, and within minutes this seemingly glorious creation will be a soggy and sticky mess. We predict that many a customer will order this item to go, only to cover their steering wheel in syrup and ruin their shirt before they even make it to work. Mondays, right Garfield?
A.M. CRUNCHWRAP
Preliminary nutrition reports show that the A.M. Crunchwrap will contain 1250 milligrams of sodium, over half the recommended amount per day for adults under 51. That’s right, you can knock out half your sodium intake for the day for less than $3 before 7 a.m., now that is efficiency at its finest.
Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present
THE FIRST TRY AT BREAKFAST
THE BELL BEEFER
While many fan reacted to news of a new Taco Bell breakfast menu with enthusiasm and anticipation, most do not know that Taco Bell made a previous attempt in the past to launch a successful breakfast menu. In the 1990s, Taco Bell asked their patrons to “Make a Run for The Border for Breakfast,” however the menu mostly left people making a run for the bathroom. The menu included items like the Double Bacon Egg Burrito and tater-tot-esque potato chunks. Fans of the breakfast menu described the eggs as “Pretty darn good, you can barely tell that they’re instant!”
In the mid-1980s before Taco Bell thought outside the bun, they had an item that had a bun. For some reason Taco Bell executives decided that simply adhering to “Mexican” food was holding the restaurant back from its true potential, so the Bell Beefer was introduced. Consisting of a more-than-healthy serving of taco meat, shredded cheese, lettuce, and chunks of tomato, Taco Bell burst onto the burger scene. However, the Bell Beefer was essentially a shitty sloppy joe. Being so sloppy, it ruined one too many pairs of parachute pants before it was discontinued.
TACO BELL FRIES Yes that’s right, fries… from Taco Bell. Intriguing, yes. Tasty, hell no. Taking a page from their popular Nacho Supreme menu item, some dingbat in upper management decided that making Fries Supreme was a good idea in the late 1990s. And in a result that came out of left field, the fries were not a hit. Apparently people don’t enjoy having their crummy fries covered in ground beef and sour cream, who could’ve guessed?
SEAFOOD SALAD
If this list has taught you anything, it is to “enjoy” Taco Bell’s menu items as much as you can, because you can never know when your favorite fart-inducing pile of horsemeat will be discontinued. So get to your closest Taco Bell and suck down some ground bacon and instant eggs before they’re gone. But remember to download the new level of that iPhone game you play, because you’ll be spending some extra time on the crapper. And don’t forget to bring a net so you can fish your colon out of the toilet bowl when you’re finished.
Because you can’t have only four items on a menu and odd numbers are the cat’s pajama’s, Taco Bell decided to make one item and pretend that it was two different ones. Boasting eggs, bacon, and cheese, these items are exactly the same except for one key difference. One is a cylindrical, and the other is a semi-circle. This exact item was on the first attempt at breakfast, but the second time’s the charm.
SIZZLIN’ BACON
Back in 1995, the head honchos at Taco Bell realized that the taco empire was missing a key ingredient from its Mexican cuisine: Bacon. In order to fill the glaring hole in their lineup, a bacon-centric sub-menu was released that incorporated bacon into 3 menu items. However Taco Bell was ahead of it’s time, and the bacon craze had not entered full swing. For this reason, and the small detail that the “bacon” tasted like awful ham, the Sizzlin’ Bacon Menu didn’t last very long.
BLT TACO: Another venture that Taco Bell took in the mid 1980s was the ill-fated Seafood Salad. Created to oppose the Filet-O-Fish, the Seafood Salad included black olives, lettuce, tomato, bay shrimp, white fish, and snow crab. Unfortunately these ingredients tasted far from fresh, and the refrigeration techniques in the 1980s weren’t up to snuff. Due to this and multiple near-lethal food poisoning occurrences, Taco Bell was forced to pull the Seafood Salad from their menu.
BREAKFAST BURRITO AND A.M. GRILLED TACO
THROWBACK MENU:
Consisting of bacon, lettuce, tomato, club sauce, and cheddar cheese, the BLT Taco perfectly followed the classic recipe of the BLT. Unfortunately it was unable to attain the success and glory of its namesake, because what type of person walks into a Taco Bell and thinks to themselves “Huh, screw those MexiMelts, I came here for a damn BLT. “ Not a single person on the planet is that stupid, so as quickly as the BLT Taco appeared on the scene, it disappeared.
BACON CHEESEBURGER BURRITO: Unlike the Bell Beefer, this menu item attempted to put the burger into the burrito. But once again, customers realized that instead of eating a bizarre cheeseburgerand-bacon concoction, they could go down the street and buy something better from a restaurant that actually makes their money from making burgers.
CINNABON® DELIGHTS™
It is quite literally impossible to even try to make fun of these. They are going to be delicious, maybe even delightful, and you will surely eat far more than what is healthy for the average person. Actually, eating only one is probably not healthy for you, but what the hell. Sometimes you just gotta treat yourself.
CHICKEN CLUB BURRITO:
In addition to having bacon, this burrito had chicken, lettuce, tomato, and a ranch-like sauce. Why was this delicious-sounding burrito taken off the menu? Because it was atrocious. Chicken. From Taco Bell. In the 1990s. Wanna talk about salmonella? You’d have to wash out you mouth with Purell after every bite, but there’s one problem with that. Purell HADN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET.
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FILM BANK
1.) Noah 2.) American Gangster 3.) Cinderella Man 4.) Les Misérables
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six degrees of separation
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