Minnesota - Issue 9 - 10/23/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

F corn ree! Li at y ke dr our iedGra out ndm can a’s h dy ous e.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 9

MINNESOTA DECLARES OFFICIAL PARTY WAR ON MADISON’S FREAKFEST Big Biscuit wrote this The biggest, most notorious college party in the Midwest takes place every Halloween at UW Madison. “Freakfest” is a legendary Halloween rager that goes for a whole week. Non-Madison students reserve places to stay with their friends or in hotels months in advance, since nonresidents aren’t allowed to sleep in the dorms. With Madison being one of the biggest party schools in the country, it’s no wonder that Freakfest beckons annual SWAT team arrivals. But the good ol’ U of M is about to take that title. In a heated debacle on Yik Yak, the UMN has declared an official party war on Madison. The Yak reads: “The Gophers might not be able to beat the Badgers in football, but we sure as hell will be able to throw a party bigger than the Badgers. BRING IT.” The Yak received over 5,000 upvotes and 1,000 comments in under an hour. “Let’s do it. Minnesota>Madison,” reads the first comment, with 984 upvotes. “F*CK THE BADGERS” (followed by an incriminating photo of Bucky), read the second comment with 382 upvotes. A group of about fifty passionate students got together to plan the biggest Halloween party a college campus has ever seen. “Project H” is the official name of the group and the Halloween festival that’ll rock the Land of 10,000 Lakes. “Alright, I want everyone to know that Project H will not get cancelled. This isn’t

Running of the Bulls,” party coordinator Keenan Bolton declared. “and our main acts won’t start 3 hours late. This Halloween party will be perfectly executed and will be uncontrollable.” How are the Golden Gophers going to pull it off? Project H has been pulling a few strings. All of Greek row is now connected by a “kegline.” “But what is this ‘kegline?’” you ask. Every Greek house on campus donated 50% of their philanthropy fundraising to construct massive 70-gallon kegs that will be set up in each house. Each keg has two long tubes that connect them to the next frat house creating a line of neverending booze. Some lovely ladies from DejaVu will be dressed as sexy police officers, cats, vampires, and a hot dog to welcome the holiday season. They even managed to get Starbucks in on the deal. Now coffee-drinkers 21 and over (or anyone with a scanable ID) can ask their Starbucks barista on Halloween for a “spooky” Pumpkin Spice Latte and they will put a shot of vodka in it. Yes, you can get doubles and triples too. That’s not all. Project H also spent hours making 50 homemade piñatas, filled with boozy candies like vodka gummy bears and whiskey Skittles. SHADE set up free condom stands every two blocks in an attempt to cover every location where coitus could occur. Every DJ in Minneapolis will be playing at every frat house, apartment, dorm, DrunkDonald’s, and basically anywhere students congregate on the weekends. After a persuasive

conversation with the administration, the university has agreed to add an extra $1,000 to incoming freshmen’s tuition to pay for the campus-wide speaker and light system. Madison’s Freakfest has had some impressive acts like Cage The Elephant and Third Eye Blind perform. However, the U not only gets big acts, but also caters to the UMN population to give them exactly what they want: white rappers. Iggy, Hoodie, Mac Miller, and Timeflies all had

rocking concerts, but Project H’s headliner, Vanilla Ice, will take TCF by storm, and The Black Sheep will be there to closely follow this unforgettable performance.

riots,” he foreshadowed, “and then we’ll become the greatest party school in the world. NO MORE MINNESOTA NICE!” he declared, laughing manically.

“This Halloween bash is meant to be a great time, but it’s not all fun and games,” remarked Bolton. “At midnight Halloween morning, we will burn a giant Badger at the intersection in the middle of Dinkytown. This symbolizes that we will officially declare war on Madison. They can handle the parties, but we can handle the

So ditch that $60 Megabus ticket and show your loyalty for the U. Madison may hold the title now, but that will all change after this weekend. Get your last minute D.I.Y costume and take a shot for Goldy, because this Halloweekend will be one to remember… or more likely, forget completely.

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PAGES 12-13

LOCAL GIRL EXCITED ABOUT “PLAY ON WORDS” HALLOWEEN COSTUME

PROFESSOR RESORTS TO TEACHING LECTURE VIA YIK YAK

MOVIES MONSTERS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

SHE CAN’T WAIT TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT IT!

TRYING TO CONNECT WITH THE KIDS HAS NEVER BEEN WEIRDER.

WE OFFER SOME CLOSURE TO THOSE THAT’VE SUFFERED FROM THESE SCARY MONSTERS.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Mackenzie Harding

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

EDITORIAL MANAGER Megan Felz

OWNER Atish Doshi

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Aaron Grossman Charlie Glynn

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Cora Neisen, Lily Noonan Aron Wolde, Annie Cameron SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Hannah Botsford

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

THE BIG EARED MIDGET

TO KILL SOME TIME.

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WORD of the WEEK TRANSPOORTATION Any method of getting from point A to point B that requires the participant to do more than walk to his or her car. Recoiling in horror when his car didn’t start, Monty realized he’d have to take some sort of transpoortation to get to class.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

An ambassador for the Starlight Children’s Foundation.

Made acting debut as Young Deb in Drop Dead Diva.

Has appeared in music videos by Sia, Alexx Calise and Todrick Hall.

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Local Girl Excited to Tell Everyone About “Play on Words” Halloween Costume Annie Cameron wrote this

Territorial Hall freshman Audrey Olson knew she was going to make waves this Halloween when she decided she wasn’t going to be sexy Alice in Wonderland for the third year in a row. The idea came to Olson when she was browsing through the aisles at a costume store on West Bank. Olson and her friends went from the sexy Disney Princess section, to the sexy farm animal section, to the sexy silverware section. But the next aisle, Olson told us, had just what she was looking for. “Me and my friends were shopping for our costumes for Sig Ep’s big Halloween party,” Olson said, “and I saw this hellacute devil costume that was incredibly slutty in like an eternal damnation kind of way.” Immediately after seeing the costume, she ran out of the store. Olson’s ability to chug three venti lattes in under an hour and her exceptionally small bladder caused her to lose sight

of her goal. Olson continued, “I ordered eggs at Loring Pasta Bar when it frickin’ came to me! I was like ohhh my god. I could buy that devil costume and pair it with an egg costume and be deviled eggs!” Olson’s gal pals who were at the brunch recalled that she was quite excited when she originally thought of the idea and then continued to get more and more excited. “I thought about tasing her once or twice,” said her friend Emily. Other customers at the restaurant, and those eating at Tony’s Diner across the street, reported that they heard screams and sqeals, sure someone had been badly hurt. At first excited for her, Olson’s friends became frustrated as the day went on. “It’s like she thinks she invented the whole idea of a pun… and I don’t think she even knows what a pun is,” said Robert McCoy, a junior in Olson’s

human evolution class, “when we told her it was a pun, she just looked at us blankly then said ‘no, it’s like one of those play on words things.’” “I’m just so excited to, like, make people laugh this Halloween, you know? ‘Cause my costume is so funny. Usually I just give people boners or whatever, but this year I’ll make them pee their pants from all the laughter… and also give them boners. If we can learn anything from porn, boners and smiles go really well together,” Olson told The Black Sheep. Many of Olson’s friends have considered blocking her on Facebook and unfollowing her on Twitter. One friend reports that Olson will “sometimes just sit in the Centennial Dining Hall for all three hours of breakfast next to where the eggs are served and talk to people about her Halloween costume. As if it’s a big coincidence they’re running into each other by the eggs.”

We followed up with Olson, who has apparently been diagnosed with a serious case of diarrhea mouth. “… and it’ll be really sexy cause I can be like ‘who wants some deviled eggs,’ or whatever, and wink, or something, and it’ll be super sexy and funny,” was about one-tenth of what Olson said to us after being asked what her favorite spot on campus was. We do not have a

large enough paper to print everything she said. “No matter what, Halloween will be super-baller, but I don’t know, man, Audrey might like totally ruin it for us,” said McCoy just before drawing some smiley faces on his shoes with a felt tip marker. “See, happy feet; now that is a good pun.”

AROUND CAMPUS

THE TOP TEN Things to Say When Pretending to Know Whose House You're At You know exactly what we’re talking about. Your brother’s friend’s cousin’s best friend texted you an address for a party into which you want to bring 18 people. You have no idea where you are or whose house you’re at, but you need to drop your dance moves in the dingy basement that smells of must and sex. You need a way to pretend you know the owners of the house, so here are ten easy things to say that are guaranteed to get you into any house party! 10.) “We had Psych 1001 together”: Just throw in some words like “aversion therapy” and “nociceptive pain” and waltz into the house while they’re still trying to remember back to the hazy cloud that was freshman year.

CBS Attempts to Find Cure for Loneliness Aron Wolde wrote this For years the University of Minnesota’s biology and chemistry dorks have had a problem with that pesky piece of time between studying and sleep when they’re lying in bed with only their thoughts and trusty blow-up doll. Usually CBS students spend this time thinking of a lofty cure for cancer or where one might find Ebola. The problem now is that during the lull between midterms and Thanksgiving, CBS students are finding more than a few moments of free time; they’re finding hours and, in some cases, days of it. Boring thoughts, lack of social ties, and time to spare leads to one thing: loneliness. Ordinarily this wouldn’t be a problem worth mentioning, but because of the high-caliber of students in CBS, weird things are starting to happen when students become lonely. Last week a CBS student attempted to clone a friend. The clone came out as a grotesque figure with severe mental deficiencies. The student responsible for the experiment was expelled while the clone was admitted to Carlson. Sasha Nguyen, the head of CBS’s Student Biology Club, told us that most CBS students started spending their time taking surveys. Questions ranged from “how much do you weigh?” and “how often are you on a digital device?” to “how aggressive are your sexual thoughts?” “We soon discovered that students differ on dealing with their free time depending on what school they go to,” Nguyen told us. “CLA prefers pretentious literary discussions, CSE likes looking at trains and touching themselves, and Carlson likes thinking of ways to subjugate the middle class. All together it made for some interesting data.”

So far the experiments to reduce loneliness have been unsuccessful. Electroshock, lithium tablets, and increased homework have failed to cure students. Some believe that male CBS students should attempt courting female CBS students because of their mutual interests. Both men and women in the department enjoy looking at fungal formations, examining virus strains, and watching Dr. Who marathons. This idea has been universally discouraged by female students who find “the XY chromosome to be inferior,” or in real people words, “not great to look at.” “Right now we think the solution might be found in altering brain chemistry with alcohol,” said Nguyen, “the alcohol labs we’re running are quite fun.” Watching the staggered ramblings of the future doctors about their MCATs and belligerent disdain for sodium chloride has been very beneficial. So far studies indicate that CBS students are 30% more interesting while drunk and 66% more likely to get laid. While CBS students seem to be unifying under their mutual loneliness, other departments have seen the irony of their situation. “CBS has come together to cure loneliness… They’re all together… hanging out with each other… I just think they’re so committed to figuring this out that they’re missing the fact that they aren’t lonely anymore,” said Darnell Haigall, head of the university’s psych department. “I emailed Nguyen to try to inform her of the irony she clearly missed, but she replied ‘I’m not inclined to respond to a pseudo-physician like yourself.’ ” Until a cure can be found, CBS will continue working with each other every day all day long. From gene splicing to talking to each other, all alternatives will be tested and quantified in the CBS way.

9.) “I know Jake” or “I know Emily”: The chances of the house containing two millennials named Jake or Emily are about as likely as getting your fake taken away at Blarney’s. 8.) “We were in the same orientation group”: If anyone can even remember orientation as anything other than an overwhelming blur of name games and warnings not to walk alone at night, serious props. Any normal human probably just remembers playing an awkward game of volleyball and blindly registering for classes, so just say you were in the same group and call it a day. 7.) “I drunkenly met you last weekend in the line for Mesa and you told me about the party”: This is the most fool-proof because God knows best friends are made in the Mesa Pizza line. Life stories are shared, numbers are exchanged, and friendships are formed every weekend in the wonderful haven that is Mesa. 6.) “I don’t… but someone at the door beckoned me in”: We’ve tested this one out and it works about 50% of the time. Sometimes folks are really friendly and willing to welcome you in. Other times, however, they kick you out faster than you can say Karkov. 5.) “You were my friend’s Welcome Week leader”: If we can even remember back to Welcome Week in the first place, we can’t recall if we even went to any events. Plus, we would bet that most of the Welcome Week leaders couldn’t even pick their freshmen out of a crowd, so drop this one and they won’t be able to prove you’re lying. 4.) “We hooked up once last year”: This one is sure to throw the host into a tailspin questioning all their sexual encounters they’ve ever had. They’ll think back to that one night when they didn’t even remember leaving their apartment and step back in horror as you walk in and proceed to the grimy dance floor. 3.) “I’ve been here before”: If you’ve partied there before, you surely introduced yourself the first time or at least know who the owner is, right? WRONG. Last time you were there you were busy standing in the corner with the people you came with, wildly taking pulls of Svedka out of a water bottle. But who’s really keeping track of the details? 2.) “I see you every day walking to class on The Bridge”: We all have that one person you see literally everywhere on campus, but you’ve never actually introduced yourself. If you say this hasn’t happened to you, you’re lying to yourself. Everyone is dying to meet this mystery person, so the host will be so excited that they won’t think twice about the fact that you don’t even remotely fit the description. 1.) “You were my chemistry TA”: No TA ever knows, much less remembers, their students, so this one is going to make them feel so guilty that they didn’t even attempt to know their students that they’ll just let you in based on embarrassment and guilt alone. Cora Neisen wrote this

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What is the stupidest question you’ve ever asked someone?

LIBBY, SOPHOMORE “Do the dummies have small urethras?”

SOPHIE, SOPHOMORE “How do you spell floor again?”

SALAM, SOPHOMORE “What’s your favorite body part?”

SIGN OF THE TIMES

Staff wrote this The growing popularity of the social media app Yik Yak is creating a stir on campus. Students will do anything to increase their Yakarma, the points earned through upvotes. But just like a senile grandpa at the dinner table, the squirrel jokes and overtly racist Yaks are causing a problem in lectures as professors are now fighting for the attention of their students . Much to their dismay, not even an increase in iClicker questions is helping. “ With iClicker questions, someone will post a Yak asking for the answer,” said sophomore Janice Olson. “The reply with highest Yakarma is usually the right answer.” The students are so well-practiced using the system that a 30-second iClicker question can be posted on Yik Yak and the correct answer upvoted within 20 seconds – or even as quickly as 15 if users are able to sift through the “my dick lol” spam posts.

How are professors aiming to combat the new phenomenon? “I try to keep class interesting by talking about things students are interested in, like weed and alcohol, but Yik Yak is too powerful,” said Professor Vasquez, who teaches ECON 102. During large lectures, students are constantly Yaking about what’s happening in class, quotes from the professor talking about pot brownies, that one girl wearing see-through leggings, a guy answering every question like he has a Ph.D, and those who aren’t able to ‘even.’ You don’t even have to go to class to learn what’s going on, you just have to check the top Yaks. “I haven’t felt this obsolete in my life since I was a grad student,” lamented Prof. Vasquez. The popularity of Yik Yak gave one professor the idea to change the format of her lectures. Mary Friedrich, who

teaches HORT 199, told her class that Tuesday’s lecture would be instructed entirely over Yik Yak. “I downloaded the app a couple days ago to see what the big deal is,” said Professor Friedrich. “Now I have 4,000 Yakarma and have subsequently lost all control over my life at the expense of seeing that beautiful upward arrow highlighted.” Friedrich says she got the idea from seeing so many Yaks about her own lecture. “I figured, if this is what students are going to look at, I might as well hop on the bandwagon.” Tuesday, October 21, was the first trial of giving a lecture through the app. “I’m limited to 140 characters, so each one is to the point. Horticulture is pretty simple... just plants and stuff,” said Friedrich. A slew of Yaks were posted all in a row by Friedrich, explaining the principles of plantiness. However, this sparked a war

between morally conflicted upvoters and downvoters. Some students in her class tried to upvote because lectures on Yik Yak meant not having to go to class. Other students, who didn’t know what was going on, thought one guy was spamming the app with irritating plant facts. Dozens of

reposts appeared all itching to hop on the Yakarma train. One user even went so far as to post false plant facts to confuse the students of HORT 199. “That’s when I decided this couldn’t be done,” said Friedrich. “Sorting through the incorrect plant facts and ‘BOREophyll’ posts would take too much effort.”

In the end, the Yik Yak lecture was an interesting experiment but failed painfully. “Some of the replies were somehow racist against plants,” said Friedrich. “Definitely a new low for the university. I don’t even want to mention what was said about the Clitoria Ternatea flower.”

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Professor Resorts to Teaching Lectures via Yik Yak

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TUESDAY! Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Thursday 10/23

8pm-Close: All-U-Care-2-Drink with a College or Military ID $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Well Mixers, $1 O-Bombs, $3 UV Vodka

Karaoke Thursdays! Free Shot When You Sing Karaoke $2 You Call It Drinks and $3 U-Call-It Shots

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Friday 10/24

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Saturday 10/25

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Sunday 10/26

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$10 Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers 10am-Noon Happy Hour! 3-6pm

Monday 10/27

Mason Jar Monday (8pm-Close) $3 Bud & Bud Light Taps $3 Double UV Vodka & Rails $5 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud or Bud Light Towers.

Bar Prizes After Every Quarter of Monday Night Football; Enter the $5000 Grand Prize Giveaway!

$2 Sloppy Jacks All Day Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Tuesday 10/28

8pm - Close: $3 U-Call It’s Rails, Calls and Every Beer on Tap

Taco Tuesday, Live Music! Happy Hour! 3-6pm and 10pm-midnight

Wednesday 10/29

8pm-Close: $0.25 Wings with College or Military ID, or purchase of a $8 AUCD wristband. ($.50 without) $8 AUC2D Miller Lite Tap, Wells, Bacardi Oakheart, $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall Boys”

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Military ID Night: Show your military ID for free cover!

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Late Night Fish Bowls 9-Close! Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps, $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

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Thursday 10/23

Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

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Free Huge Hotdog Buffet Midnight to Close

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Happy Hour 7 Days a Week! 3:30pm-7pm $2 - $4 Appetizers, $3 Domestics & Well Drinks, $4 Speciality and Premium, $5 Top Shelf

Saturday 10/25

Service Industry Night! Show pay-stub from your bar or club and get free cover!

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Happy Hour (4-6): 2-For 1 Beers, Wells, Cocktails, Glasses of Wine and $4 22oz Taps $3/$4/$5 App Specials, $6 Flatbreads

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Sunday 10/26

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Industry Mondays - No Cover! Beer Pong Nightly $0.35 Wings 8pm - 11pm Extended Happy Hour on Drinks Only 7pm - Close

Monday 10/27

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18+! $2 Tuesdays (domestic beer, well drinks) from 8am to close $2 drink specials cover after 9pm Drag Queen Bingo: 8pm - 10pm Diamond Diva Drag Show: 10pm - 2am

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No Cover! Karaoke: 9pm-Close, Beer Pong Nightly, $3 Wells, Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime & Bud Select 7pm - Close, $5 Captains $3 Vodkas 7pm - Close

Tuesday 10/28

WED: Amateur Night: Watch your sexy coeds on stage for the first time compete for $200! Contest Starts at 11:30pm Open to All Ladies

18+ (21+ no cover, 18-20 $5 cover) $3 Domestic Beers and Rail Drinks, $3.75 Heineken, Amateur Drag Show and Trans Exotica Come in for Dinner!

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ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 8 ou

1) American History: What mass hysteria-lead incident took place in Massachusetts between February 1692 and May 1693? 2) Music: What Bobby Pickett pop novelty topped the charts between October 20th-27th, 1962?

6) Candy: Starting from the peak, list the three colors found in traditional candy corn. 7) TV: What long-running TV show does an annual Halloween spoof titled, Treehouse of Horror?

3) Literature: What iconic monster was created by 19th century author Mary Shelley?

8) Ghosts: In the Harry Potter series, what ghost occupies the first floor girls’ bathroom at Hogwarts?

4) Mexico: What Mexican holiday is celebrated from October 31st to November 2nd?

9) World History: On Halloween 1922, this Fascist was named Prime Minister of Italy.

5) Movies: Who directed the 1978 movie Halloween?

10) Cereal: What spooky cereal sports a Dracula mascot on its box?

JOELLE, A NURSING STUDENT

THE DRINKING GAME

Joelle’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) The witch hunt 2) Who would know that? 3) Frankenstein 4) Day of the Dead 5) No one would know that. 6) White, yellow, orange 7) The Simpsons 8) Moaning Myrtle 9) Mussolini 10) Count Chocula

1) Salem Witch Trials 2) “Monster Mash” 3) Frankenstein’s Monster 4) Day of the Dead 5) John Carpenter 6) White, yellow, orange 7) The Simpsons 8) Moaning Myrtle 9) Mussolini 10) Count Chocula

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

LOST AND FOUND

DRUNK NACHOS

Here at The Black Sheep know how rough weekend nights can get. You might end up lost on campus, running home in your underwear or – God help you – lying face down in a pile of your own shit outside of a bar. Most concerning is when you wake up the next morning without half the stuff you left with. Well, tonight we’re going to retrace our steps and find your stuff the only way we know how: get just as drunk and do it all over again.

It’s that point at the night where you’ll eat anything. You’ve perused the cabinets and you’ll settle for a block of uncooked ramen if you have to, but then you see it: a bag of chips. And then you remember it: There’s a bag of cheese in the fridge. That only means one thing, bud. Drunk nachos.

What You’ll Need: Half the items you had last night, more beer, and the ability to regain your memory. Number of Players: You and your internal compass. Level of Intoxication: Exactly the same as your previous night, one step too far and you’ll end up losing everything you have left with you.

What You’ll Need: The will to stand next to a microwave for 45 seconds, the creativity to place cheese on a few chips. Fatty Factor: Enough cheese to choke a few times while trying to swallow the chips.

How to play: - Wake up and realize you’ve lost everything you need to survive: wallet, phone, that tiny picture of a muskrat you keep in your pocket because you think it’s too funny. - Try calling your phone from your friend’s phone like an idiot. - Actually believe you’re going to find it for a second and then lose all hope. - Get as drunk as you did last night out of self-pity. - Realize that if you’re just as drunk as you were before, then logically you must be able to retrace your steps with no problem. - End up at a bar, shaking the bouncer and yelling, “WHERE IS IT?”

Let’s Get Baked: - Grab a handful of chips and put them on the plate (it’s much easier to pour from the bag). - Refrain from eating handfuls of cheese and leave them where they are on the chips. - Shove that shit in the microwave and wait 45 seconds. - DON’T try to eat one right after taking them out, you’ll burn your tongue and kill any hope at tasting all future chips. - Get some salsa while you wait (it will also help cool off those chips). - Screw it, don’t wait any longer. Burn your mouth if you have to, they’re too good to not eat. - Lay in your pile of crumbs and total satisfaction. You did it. You made nachos.

The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning just to realize that everything was in your pants pocket from the night before. Whoops.

Wasn’t that better than a shitty block of ramen or a can of SpaghettiOs? If you keep using your head like that, things will be looking up for you!

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NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

We’ve all been there: it’s time for bed, the nightlight in the hall has mysteriously gone out, you don’t dare let your feet dangle off the bed for something might grab them, and your parents have told you for the tenth time to, “Go the hell to sleep, you’re 22-years-old.” The Black Sheep remembers, and we’ve decided to offer some closure to those that’ve suffered scary monsters. LOGAN BAILEY WROTE THIS

Casper the Friendly Ghost

Velociraptor

Claim to Fame: Befriending children. Where We Last Saw Them: Floating around with a tween Hilary Duff in a vacation resort. Where Are They Now?: Since then, the dead man-boy moved back to his shitty house from the first movie and got hitched. Unfortunately, his uberfriendly demeanor has led to a lessthan-happy marital situation. His wife, Sasperella the Kind-of-Bitchy ghost, isn’t exactly the friendly type – forcing our favorite poltergeist into a sad sort of servitude. Casper spends his days doting on his lovely wife. “I love her very much,” the friendly ghost tells The Black Sheep, “no matter what, through sickness and in health.” The couple are set to appear on their own reality show on the E! Network this spring, ’Til Death Do Us Part. Despite his disgust toward the idea, Casper still signed the contract after his wife told him to. “The pathetic thing is, it’s his own fault,” Sassperella stated, “the little bitch can’t say no.”

Claim to Fame: Eating people at a theme park, battling a T-Rex, and opening doors. Where We Last Saw Them: …eating people, fighting a T-Rex, and opening doors. Where Are They Now?: With his vicious, pointy teeth and giant claws, Velociraptor has created some terrifying cinematic moments. His glory days on the silver screen behind him, everyone’s favorite raptor has since earned degrees in paleoecology, paleontology, and quantum mathematics. Now an exhibit coordinator at the Natural History Museum in Chicago, Velociraptor has made quite a living, as well as a strangely off-putting British accent. “I fear my days as an actor have tainted my species,” the non-avian doctor said, “that ignorant sod Spielberg made sure of it, dehumanizing us every chance he got.” The prehistoric creature has since vowed to reestablish his species as top-dog, signing on as a consultant for the upcoming Jurassic World. “For too long, we Theropods have been portrayed as, dare I say, primitive. Pish-posh, I say! We are some of the most impressive creatures to roam this earth! Pick a door, any door, and watch me open it!” Velociraptor is reportedly making a seven figure salary.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon

Oogie Boogie

Claim to Fame: Kidnapping damsels in distress, taking them to his creepy lair in a swamp. Where We Last Saw Them: Sinking to the bottom of the Black Lagoon, riddled with bullets. Where Are They Now?: As the star of the sitcom, The Gillmans, Gilbert Gillman of the Black Lagoon couldn’t be happier. “Erghh-glersh, Academy Awards-gluhgersh,” the ABC star stated, and he’s probably right. After a brief, but successful stint in black and white film, Mr. Gillman drifted away from Hollywood, but of his own accord. “Erfhh-glaff, lerghh-laswah, errghy-settle down,” the star stated, “erghhin-make babies.” It wasn’t until the mid-2000s that Mr. Gillman reemerged, with the continuous support of his wife, as the beloved Manny Gillman on The Gillmans, and stole the hearts of millions.

Claim to Fame: Constantly attempting to take over Christmas, and kill Santa Claus. Where We Last Saw Them: An empty sack lying at Jack Skellington’s feet. Where Are They Now?: Since then, Oogie has come to terms with himself, claiming abstinence from gambling as his reason for success. The former gambling addict now hosts weekly Gamblers Anonymous meetings, serving as team leader for his charter of the group. “We, uh, admit that, uh, we are powerless over gambling – whether it’s children’s lives or money – and that our lives are unmanageable… or something like that,” Mr. Boogie said about how he overcame his addiction. “This is a great, uh, program they’re running here. It’s really helped me and my, uh, issues.” He works as a janitor in Emerson Elementary in Battle Creek, Michigan.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Freddy Krueger

Slender Man

Claim to Fame: Murdering adolescents in their dreams. Where We Last Saw Them: Battling his friend Jason at Crystal Lake, which of course caused his decapitation and subsequent recovery into the man he is today. Where Are They Now?: Our least favorite dreamscaper, Freddy Krueger, has since retired from murdering teenagers as they sleep. In recent years, Krueger has found what he says is his true calling – a firefighter. In a sense, Krueger has always been a sort of fighter of fires. “The bastards burnt me alive! I won’t say whether they had reason to or not, but ever since, I’ve just had this burning feeling that I should extinguish all fire,” Krueger told us. Living in the rural town of Burt, Iowa, Freddy has become a town hero – a Smokey the Bear type. You can see his smiling face on billboards and in schools in the greater Burt area, reading, “Remember kids, only you can prevent house fires – and if you don’t, I’ll find you.”

Claim to Fame: Ruling the internet and children’s nightmares. Where We Last Saw Them: Every. Single. Website. Everywhere. Where Are They Now?: Now a successful model for the GAP and H&M products, Slender Man can be seen gracing the covers of several magazines, becoming a staple in men’s fashion. “He’s just real easy to work with, you know?” photographer Jordan Parham said. “There’s just something about that face – so surreal and calm. You can almost see every emotion at the same exact time when you look at him.” Several stars have requested the looks of Slender Man as well, asking if it is at all possible to Photoshop their face onto his slender, near-perfect body. “I’m not getting any younger,” actor Mickey Rourke said, “so why not use his services – what could it hurt?”

Damien

Pennywise

Claim to Fame: Being the Antichrist. Where We Last Saw Them: Holding the President’s hand, looking ominously into the camera. Where Are They Now?: Ever since his parents tried to kill him, this son of Satan has found new meaning for his life. Raised in a government halfway house, Damien Thorn has vowed to champion pro-life movements throughout the nation. “I had a very close call as an infant,” Thorn stated in recent press conference, “if I was granted the right to live by my government, then goddammit, so does every life, hellborn or not!” A steadfast Republican, the jackal-born Antichrist is a frequent contributor to Republican fundraisers and campaigns, often working as a speech-writer. He served as co-writer for the 2012 Romney presidential campaign. “I was sadly banned from joining the seminary, but I found a new calling as a writer,” Thorn said, “the lord sure works in mysterious ways.”

Claim to Fame: Eating children (seeing a theme here?) Where We Last Saw Them: Battling pissed-off adults in a cave… as a giant spider-creature. Where Are They Now?: After killing an undisclosed number of children in the 1980s, Pennywise the demon clown claims his murdering days are behind him. In a stunning revelation, last year he announced he will run for governor in Maine in the November 2014 elections. “I’ve turned a new leaf,” the clown said in a televised interview, “the fact is, I know what it’s like on the other side and I’ve seen the underbelly of this state. With my help, I know we can turn the great state of Maine around!” He plans to run on a platform of “cleaning the streets,” vowing to rid neighborhoods of the inner-city youths that have really “bastardized America” and “deserve to be eaten for their crimes.”

Sid

Count Chocula

Claim to Fame: Dr. Frankenstein-ing his toys into creepy abominations. Where We Last Saw Them: Almost throwing Woody and pals into a garbage truck, like a dick. Where Are They Now?: Everyone’s most hated preteen, Sid Phillips deserves no love. After dropping out of high school his freshman year, Phillips fell into obscurity. Working as a garbage man, he found the perfect cover for his sinister plans. In a horrific discovery, police uncovered a mass grave in a landfill near Columbus, Ohio where Phillips worked. Before they even considered taking him in for questioning, he turned himself in. “The son of a bitch just walked in, grinning ear to ear, and copped to the whole thing,” Ohio State Police officer Randy Tibbitts stated, “piece of shit was proud of it.” After the arrest, police raided Phillips’ home where they found several dismembered bodies. It was revealed in a police report that Sid Phillips would play a strange form of house with the body parts, claiming they “spoke to him” and were “alive and well.”

Claim to Fame: A delicious chocolate breakfast food. Where We Last Saw Them: On a cereal box in October. Where Are They Now?: Living in suburban Indiana, The Count now works as a humble dental assistant. In a series of lawsuits, furious American parents— blaming their children’s rising dental bills and America’s obesity epidemic on his product—stripped Chocula of his career and dignity. Scorned, but not yet broken, Chocula continued his crusade for delicious sugary cereals, going as far as publically announcing that his family would start a diet of only his cereal for an entire year to prove its worth. Sadly, in his obsession with reclaiming his fame, his own son lost his life after losing both of his fangs from cavities brought on by the cereal. “I’ve learned my lesson,” The Count said, “I know now the error of my ways, and the deadly power of sugary cereals.”

Let's Play

THE BACK PAGE

Squares!

CLASSIC COSTUME CROSSWORD ACROSS: 1) Broom not required. 4) Karin from Mean Girls; “I’m a ___, duh!” 5) Put a pacifier in your mouth and call yourself this. 6) Grab an orange sweater from American Apparel, boom, done. 7) Just borrow some stuff from

your mom’s mom and be this. 8) A lady who gets athletes stoked. 9) The teacher of The Magic School Bus, Miss who? 11) The main character from The Nightmare Before Christmas, Jack who? 13) Arrrggghhh! 14) Throw a sheet over your head

and call yourself this. 15) Her last name is Morgendorffer, and she’s apathetic towards most everything.

ANSWERS

DOWN: 1) Wait, where is he? 2) Aladdin’s love interest. 3) This is, like, so 60s, man. 5) She can be the nature and he can be this guy who make pretty little mistakes (two words). 7) The girls can go as these Girls; Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia. 10) “Is there a naughty lady in this room that I need to punish?” But not a stripper. 12) She’s sexy, and she’ll stick a needle in ya.

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