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A director that would repurpose an anthropomorphized rabbit book with pink flamingos instead.
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Finals week nightmare
Okay, so get this. I was sitting there at like 11:30 at night in my shithole ___1___ room, studying for my ___2___ final, when I get this call from my roommate. He says he’s at ___3___ and needs to be picked up. In an attempt to avoid studying, I go pick him up. When I pull up on ___4___, him and four girls get into the car.
So the next day, I woke up in my ___10___, covered in ___11___ and ___12___. There was no sign of the ___13___, but I was missing ___14___. My head was pounding, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had forgotten something. I stumbled downstairs to the kitchen to grab some ___15___, and that’s when I looked at the clock “Dude, we gotta drop these girls off at work,” he and realized it: I was late for my final. ___5___ to me. I asked him where they work this late at night, to which he responded, “___6___.” I There wasn’t any time to wait for the bus, so I don’t think my ___7___ has ever hit the floor so jumped in my car and sped down ___16___ hard. So now we’re flying down ___8___ trying trying to get there in time. I parked right in the to get to the ___9___ as soon as possible, when ___17___ without paying, sprinted to ___18___, sure enough, I got pulled over. I explained to the and got there just in time to take the exam. It cop what I was doing and where we were going, was a finals week nightmare. and he let us off!
1) Dorm 2) Entry-level gen-ed class 3) Bar downtown 4) Street downtown 5) Drunken form of speech 6) Place where scantily clad women work 7) Manly noun 8) Street 9) Place where scantily clad women work
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Finals Last Resort
The
Top
Ten
Presents to Give to A Speaker Circle Solicitor
By: Mike Haueisen
By: Jonathan Howard
If there’s one thing that The Black Sheep understands, it’s procrastination. Why would you read the book at the beginning of the semester? It’s not due until the end of the semester! Because we understand what it’s like and have sympathy for the chronic procrastinator, we know that sometimes, other measures might need to be taken to pass the exam. You know, because if you could just do it this one more time, you will study on time for the next one, right?
This amphitheater of free speech is perfectly suited for an academic center such as the University of Missouri and of course, its main occupiers consist of accordion-playing gorillas, evangelists (pour one out for Brother Jed), and the always-ubiquitous solicitor. Solicitors on campus tend to make Speaker’s Circle their main habitat for the same reason moray eels like to hide in coral: to take advantage of traffic and ambush prey. However, as the weather cools down, their jobs get much harder, so to get in the spirit of the season, here are ten presents to give to that ever present, and always obstinate Speaker’s Circle Solicitor.
Unfortunately, teachers are cracking down on writing on your hat, or using your phone to assist you, so we’ve developed a few brilliant and foolproof ways that you can cheat on your final exam. Rolls: This one takes a little preparation, but we’ve done it before, and it works flawlessly. The first thing you have to do is put on approximately 80 pounds of weight. If it’s economics with Sharon Ryan, you might want to set your weight gain goal at 100. After you’ve completed this process, write all of the answers and formulas on the underside of your fat rolls and simply lift them up during the test. You shouldn’t be caught, but if you do, accuse the teacher of mocking your weight and you’ll be fine. If you’re having trouble gaining enough weight, try eating Gumby’s every day for every meal and binge watching Netflix. Pair with a friend: In the PWF method, yourself and a friend divide the material for studying, so that each of you is only responsible for 50% of the material. Then, during the exam, sit next to each other and develop an intricate system for sharing answers. Here’s the recommended system: Ask the professor a question for every exam question, with the corresponding numbered word in that sentence starting with the letter of the answer. For example, if the answer to number 14 is B, you would raise your hand and ask “I ate collared greens for breakfast, and they were good. You like greens, BABY doll?” Since the 14th word started with B, your partner
06
10.) Guitar tuner: One popular form they take is as the humble busker. More often than not, however, their songs end up in the key of Dylan, and only Ol’ Bob can successfully write and perform out of tune. This’ll take care of the guitar. Now for that voice...
now knows the answer to number 14 is B. Your professor will be none the wiser. Columns: Mizzou has actually been hiding an easy way to cheat in plain sight this whole time. Almost all classes in the Quad have a direct view of the infamous columns. Everyone knows that the school hangs American flags from said columns every September, but have any students ever considered hanging something else? Giant poster boards with answers written on them? If you’re taking a final in the Geological Sciences Building or any building surrounding the columns, this is an easy B on the final, “A” if you’re crafty with binoculars. Dog: Pretty simple. Teach your dog the material — a simple positive reinforcement using treats method should suffice. Stare at the sun until you are legally partially blind. Get a doctor’s note that says you need your guide dog, (who you have taught the material to), with you during test. Let dog take test. Tattoo: The easy part about tattoos is that you can always claim “artistic expression” if any professor tries to hassle you about having all of chapter nine tattooed on your rib cage in small font.
“‘Sine = opposite/hypotenuse’ is actually a song that changed my life that I hold extremely dear to my heart, it’s just coincidence that it’s a formula needed for this exam, dick.” Snow: This is a seasonal cheating method. It’s only applicable when there’s snow on the ground, but we’ve used it six or seven times before and it’s never failed. The first step is to drink between four and five gallons of water the night before your final. Then, an hour before your final, go outside the window of your exam room and pee the answers into the snow. Based on past experiences, five gallons of water should be enough to cover about 500-600 words, so plan ahead of time to make sure you’re only peeing the Cliffnotes version of your notes into the snow. This is not applicable to exams held in Arts and Sciences or Strickland, where there is a limited amount of viewing windows. With The Black Sheep you can always stay ahead of the game. Teachers think they can prevent us from talking on the phone for the entirety of our exam? No problem! Don’t make simple rules make you waste your time studying! Think outside the box, and you’ll be golden.
9.) Lozenges: ...which brings us to this. The Speaker’s Circle Solicitor yells. A lot. It is the only way they keep the integrity of the Circle as a public forum. So it is important to help them maintain the health of their voice, and also protect them from the humiliation of having public hear their voice crack like a 12-year old boy with strep. 8.) Cookies: Cookies and other treats are a popular way to gain attention. However, there’s a saying: “don’t get high off your own supply.” Bringing some would help them stave off temptation. There could also be a give-a-penny-leave-a-penny type exchange here, too. Everyone wins. 7.) Booze: Always a good present, but especially for those with a boring job. Spiked eggnog is a good choice, fitting in with the season. Give them enough and hopefully a good show will start. Convince them they’re Brother Jed and see if a crowd gathers. Now that’s marketing! 6.) Blood: Mizzou campus is packed with blood drives every year, and often on that quick stroll through Speaker’s Circle between classes a student will hear hear that their blood alone can save four lives. Just give them a cup of blood. Don’t say where or how it came to be. Bonus points if it’s still warm. 5.) Bibles: Solicitors can often be found distributing religious literature, specifically Gideon Bibles. If a student has collected quite a large amount, then the best present for a campus solicitor might be to pack up all the extras and hand them right on back. It’s the perfect kind of re-gifting, and environmentally friendly. Jesus is the reason for the season, after all. 4.) The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins: Christmas should be about all sorts of giving, not just of lighthearted desires. As part of an academic environment it is student’s responsibility to foster new thought, right? 3.) All the flyers and shit from his counterpart in front of the Student Center: These solicitors hand students flyers upon flyers without second thought. They are selfless in their relentless desire to “share the wealth.” Since giving is the spirit of the season, the best gift from student to solicitor would be to switch the roles. Return the favor and create the opportunity to keep on giving. And giving. 2.) Waffles from the waffle truck: This Columbia delicacy is the perfect food for someone who has to stand in the cold for hours, possibly drunk and/or high (see #7). Solicitors are standing there trying to hand out the ad sheet or selling students lollipops for a dollar for hours on end and are needing a pick me up. Nothing goes with Christmas like chicken and waffles. 1.) A life: Most of these solicitors look lonely and sad. Every workday being filled with 20-somethings wearing Beats rejecting your flyers can really get a guy down. Introduce these solicitors to each other so they can find someone with common interest. Also, so they could get the hell out of people’s way.
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on the Streets Would you rather eat a cup of pee-snow, or let it melt but have to drink it through a straw?
ior M o rg a n , S e n
“I would rather eat, because then it would be less flavorful.”
Ellie, Junior
“I would rather drink it. Pretty much a pro at chugging.”
r Jake, Senio
“I would eat it, probably because I am hungry.”
07
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games then you could ever play.
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Hanukkah Seek and Find
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drinking game
Ellis Library Exam Week The Black Sheep’s
Guide to Wrapping a Gift
It’s exam time at Mizzou, and there are plenty of reasons to be stressed. There are projects to finish, term papers to edit, and exams to be crammed for. Don’t fret, because studies have shown that studying drunk can increase memory, creativity and focus, provided the right environment. Ellis Library is rich in culture and history, but it’s time to spruce things up a bit. Introducing the Club Ellis Exam Week Drinking Game. What you’ll need: a Starbucks cup or an opaque water bottle with a strong mixed drink Number of players: A couple of friends, drinking alone at the library might be a tad depressing. Level of intoxication: You’ll reek of knowledge and rich mahogany-bound books. Just kidding, you’ll pass out in the New Media section. How to play: -Fill an inconspicuous can or Starbucks cup with boozy booze. -Go to Ellis Library. -Find a desk, grab your laptop and your notes, and study away. Drink once: • Every time you see the library police. • Every time someone slams their head into the table in dejection . • Whenever you spy someone watching YouTube, Netflix, etc.
Step 2: Determine Your Length: Ah, victory! Victory over, you Tom, do you hear us? Unravel some wrapping paper and place your gift on it to make sure you measure enough wrapping paper to wrap the whole thing. Otherwise you’re just being wasteful and…wait, now there’s more than enough—like, an inch too much, which is perfect, because now you have to cut the paper. Now it’s time to see what you’re made of, buds-o. The cut should be straight and uniform, just make sure you use a steady hand and, no! No! God, why did you stop to scratch your stomach? Now we’re going to have to start all over because it’s uneven, or, wait, it’s not that bad, just freaking finish this cut and remember to tuck this side under the straight edge, or do you not have the self-control to do even that?
Step 1: Collect Your Supplies: You have the present you bought for the person you want to manipulate care for and you remembered to pick up some wrapping paper at Staples, and what do ribbons or bows matter anyway, right? Good, great, you’re doing well here, you’re even holding those scissors away from your body. Now where’s the tape? You, yes you totally have it somewhere, remember that time you had to hang those—no, stop. Go check the drawer. No, not that one, the other one. It’s in there, isn’t it? It’s not? Well then—Tom. It had to be that asshole Tom. Great. Now you’re going to have to go back to the store and get some—Yes, you’re definitely going to have to pee in Tom’s orange juice—you’re going to have to get some more tape.
Step 3: Determine Your Width: Unless you bought your loved one a two-byfour, that yard-tall roll of wrapping paper you just mangled is going to have to be hemmed a little for wrapping purposes. Measure the gift to determine an accurate cut point on the width sides and get to snippin’. Just—please, for the love of whatever deity it is your root for—do not make the same mistake again. Cut in a straight line, just be certain of yourself, man and don’t rip the—you ripped the goddamn paper, we just said not to do that. Ok, no, we’ll get through this. Just get a finished cut that works in theory. Yes, like string theory, but somehow more difficult for you to understand. We’re crying now, we hope you’re happy. Step 4: Tape the main lines: Remember that first big cut you finished? Now you’re going to tape each side together using one-inch pieces of tape at six-inch intervals. Oh yeah, that’s right, time to use that brand-spankin’-new tape you nabbed in a jif, not that lost-under-his-bed roll that Tom—fucking
• Whenever someone talks louder than they intended because of their headphones. • Anytime you see someone sleeping. Drink double if you can spot the pledge pin. • If you hear someone talk about seducing/hooking up with a professor or TA. • On the hour, every hour, because fuck it. Drink twice: • Whenever you spot anyone chewing tobacco. Finish your drink if it’s a girl. • Any time an international student does something to draw attention to themselves. • You see study drugs in any form, or being inserted into any orifice. • Whenever you spot someone being reprimanded by the library police. Drink thrice: • Anytime you ever see someone actually rent a book. Seriously, has that ever happened? • When a couple gets up and comes back together (presumably for a library quickie). Finish your drink: • If you’re finished for the night and all your friends are out at Harpo’s without you (or Bengal’s or Fieldhouse or Big 12 or Tonic or Blue Fugue or Shiloh, etc.). • If the library police realize you’re drinking alcohol. You’re getting kicked out anyways, might as well make the walk home more interesting, right?
Tom—so lazily lost like it was sticky dust in the wind. Now, hold the wrapping seam together with one hand and use the other to tear off a piece of tape and—what do you mean this is harder than it sounds? No, ok, switch hands and try again. No, this way is definitely easier. Ugh, maybe work on your dexterity a little. You know, just let go of the wrapping and pull off like, six pieces of tape and put them somewhere, then use the tape. Jesus, you people. Step 5: Fold and Tape the Corners: You, uh, you haven’t been doing so hot at this, and now you expect to fold and tape at the same time? So you’re really going to do this? Fine. First, tear off four pieces of tape. Once those are easily accessible, pull each corner taught and fold it in half, diagonally. Then, fold in the sides. This isn’t brain surgery-level difficulty but—Christ, ok, just try it again, we’re so close. Deep breath…and fold. Wow, would you look at that. So great, once each of those have been done four times, you should fold and tape your trapezoidal flap to the gift. Goddammit, you forgot to prep the tape again, didn’t you? Fine, we’ll wait. Just…whistlin’ Dixie over here while this Cleatus-faced motherfu—Oh, hey, you’re back! Fold it and tape it… there! Voila! Does it look good? What? No? Well, then…
Step 6: Make Someone Else Do It: With your inability to do anything right, we’re sure you’ll hear it dozens of times this year: It’s the thought the counts. So, when you hand over that perfectly-wrapped gift to your family member or gift-level acquaintance, then you can say, “Hey, I tried wrapping this but I think my parents drove a railroad spike through my head as a child, so I totally butchered my attempt and I had to beg someone way more competent than I to do it for me,” or something to that effect. And beg them, you will.
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quiz
What Late-Night Eatery Are You? 1. Where are you favorite places to start the evening? a. Shot Bar or Field House. b. Ragtag or Frequency. c. Home on the couch in your boxers with your new vaporizer and GTA V. 2. What shoe do would you wear to go out? a. Sperrys. b. High heels/dress shoes. c. Flats/some version of sneaker. 3. You just got your paycheck. What do you spend it on? a. Tickets to the game, beer, and a variety of meat to barbeque at the tailgate. b. Blow it all on tanning and/or gigantic bar tabs. c. Yoga lessons.
4. What are your reading habits? a. Reddit. b. Your favorite blog(s). c. The New Yorker. 5. How do you get downtown? a. Walk. b. Drive. c. Bike. 6. What’s your beer preference? a. Olde English 800/Natty Light. b. Schlafly/Boulevard. c. I only drink gluten-free beer and/or ciders.
8. How do you deal with a hangover? a. Huge-ass bong rip upon rising. b. Fresh cup of hot tea, maybe with a little lemon, and some fruit. c. Meat and coffee.
answer key
7. What is your GPA? a. <2.0 b. 2.1-2.9 c. 3.0-4.0
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.
A(1) A(1) A(2) A(1) A(2) A(1) A(3) A(2)
B(3) B(3) B(1) B(2) B(1) B(2) B(1) B(3)
C(2) C(2) C(3) C(3) C(3) C(3) C(2) C(1)
8-13: El Rancho: You’re a little sloppy, but you’re relatable and open to all walks of life. You are the one place in town that truly brings everyone together – the kid whose been sitting at home high as balls all night playing Skyrim, the group of identical blondes with Coach purses all huddled around one Styrofoam box of quesadillas, the rich frat boys posing genuine threats of violence to one another because they can’t figure out which blonde it was they had dibs on, and even nice people. And what is the magic that brings everyone together? Three little words: Hot. Liquid. Cheese. 14-16: Broadway Diner: You’re cute, but tend to be the greasy guy who claims “showering every day is bad for you.” Mostly, this is a commendable demonstration of your determination in making the trek from 9th Street all the way over to 4th Street. Some mornings you wake with a stomach full of hardened Crisco and a mind full of regret, but then you remember how charming and pretty fun you are. 17-24: Gunter Hans: You’re obviously classy. You seek out pseudo European style food to satiate your drunken craving. Good on you! So lift your nose in the air and sink your teeth into a warm, homemade “bretzel” just like the Germans do! After all, it’s authenticity that counts! You can be a little pretentious, but people appreciate your class and like having you around, even if it’s only to complain about your expensive tendencies.
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FINALS BINGO!
let us guess... you’re sitting in the library and can’t focus, right? well don’t scroll through facebook for the 10th time, play our library bingo! stay where you are, or take a loop around your floor, and see how many of these things you can find.
With Technology!
Old Christmas Movies, Revisited
A Christmas Story The Evils of Technology Make… “I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!” becomes: “I want the X-Box One Day One Edition with Kinect, an extra controller, and a copy of Call of Duty: Ghosts!” And the Movie Flips: After Ralphie unwraps the gift his father so sneakily hid in the corner behind the tree he hustles over to his 50-inch flatscreen to hook up this modern technological marvel. After entering his info (and his parents’ credit card number) he anxiously slides the Call of Duty disc into the slot. The game whirrs and whirrs until finally a message appears on the screen: “Drive Cannot Read Disc.” In a fit of prepubescent rage, Ralphie clocks the flatscreen as hard as he can, splintering the thin film of glass and smashing a hole into the family’s sole source of happiness. Scared to death by a report on glass poisoning they saw on the news a week prior, his parents rush him to the hospital for a Christmas Day evaluation. Under his breath Ralphie mutters something about this being his parents’ fault, and a few quick calls later two DCFS representatives are at the hospital with some unwanted Christmas inquiries.
We’re not much for nostalgia, especially around the holidays. If we were six years old and Santa gifted us a plain wooden horse with tin wheels, we’d be so far down the Naughty List the next year, you’d think we’d have murdered our parents. And we did, we definitely did, because even at six we knew Santa was fake and, and that is not the PlayStation 4 we “asked” for. Yeah, so what? We like modern technology. What would happen if we forced this tech into old Christmas movies?
It’s a Wonderful Life The Evils of Technology Make…A tale about the redemption of a suicidal man who has given up on his dreams to help others becomes: Two guys on a cell phone chatting for two hours. And the Movie Flips: George Bailey sits alone in his underwear in his dark studio apartment watching a Christmas Eve Chopped marathon, empty 40s strewn around him. Bored and in need of attention, he fires up his cell phone and rips off a text message to his only friend, Clarence Odbody. “Gonna end it all tonight,” it reads. A minute later his phone vibrates, it’s Clarence, and he wants to talk. “Hah, there’s no heaven, you fuckin’ rube,” George the atheist tells Clarence, who insists that committing suicide with preclude George from getting into Heaven. They keep talking; Clarence citing examples of the good George’s service work has done for the community. George is only half paying attention because the contestants on Chopped have to work with a canned chicken, sweetbreads, honey sticks and Greek yogurt, and he has no idea what they’ll do with that. During commercial break, Clarence still on the phone, George walks over to the medicine cabinet and chases a handful of antidepressants with what’s left of his olde English 800, dozing off moments later to Clarence begging the phone, “Hello? Hello? George, you there?”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer The Evils of Technology Make… The Island of Misfit Toys becomes: The Island of Outdated Gadgets. And the Movie Flips: As Rudolph and company run away from the Abominable Snow Monster, the FAA calls them out on deviating from their assigned flight path, forcing them to land on a nigh-inhabited island known the Island of Outdated Gadgets. Stranded on the island overnight, the crew seeks out a place that’ll be open on Christmas Eve. Walking into a restaurant, Rudolph sees booths heavy with first generation iPads, Nooks, and Kindles that don’t have color screens. They turn and stare at Rudolph, recognizing him immediately. A liaison approaches the Christmas cadre begging, “Mr. Reindeer, please, please take us away from this horrible place to a magical land where we’re wanted!” After a quick powwow with Santa, Rudolph returns with an offer, “We can swing by and get you guys tomorrow, we’re way behind, and those kids in sub-Saharan Africa can’t even afford calendars, so they won’t know if we’re a little late. Can’t promise you they won’t use you as rock picks or something, though.” The Outdated Gadgets cheer with joy, as their Christmas is saved.
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Are You Smarter
Mason, MSA President
than?
1) Christmas: Santa Claus is based off of Sinterklaas, a mythological person found in this group’s mythology.
6) Toys: 1998 saw a holiday craze for this toy, which could say things like, “Show me a dance” and “Tell me a joke.”
2) Hanukah: How many branches are there on a menorah?
7) History: On January 1, 1971, these items could no longer be advertised on TV in America.
3) Kwanzaa: In what year was Kwanzaa first celebrated?
8) Birthdays: This “Stan” background singer was born on Christmas Day, 1971.
4) New Year’s Eve: Since 2006, who has been tasked with presenting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve?
9) Snow: The North American record for record snow depth was measured in this contiguous state.
5) The Rose Bowl: Each year, the Rose Bowl is played in what stadium?
10) Holiday Music: What wintry song thing is given life via silk hat?
Mason’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) German 2) 7 3) 1890 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) Cotton Bowl 6) Furby 7) Cigarettes 8) “What does that even mean?” 9) Michigan 10) Frosty the Snowman
1) Dutch 2) 9 3) 1969 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) The Rose Bowl 6) Furby 7) Cigarettes 8) Dido 9) California 10) Frosty the Snowman
Mason’s Score: 4 out of 10
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