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theblacksheeponline.com Week of February 2nd, 2011 | Volume 4 Issue 04
Other stuff
Inside 04 Abroham Drinkin’:
great bro, or world’s greatest bro?
Super Sweet 16 Party The Necessities Origin of the Super Bowl Steve Rickenbacher wrote this
05 Our SB Commercials:
If you think they don’t involve beer, well, you don’t us
06 We Review Mens’
Underwear:
Nothing says “sexy” like tighty-whities! CONTINUED ON PAGE 11...
A
fter months of wins, losses, Randy Moss trades, Brett Favre nonsense and straight up brawls, the National Football League season will soon come to a close. As we all know, the season ends with the annual salute to pageantry, excess, and twelve-hour pregame shows known as the Super Bowl. America can’t get enough of Terry Bradshaw’s shiny dome and Howie Long’s movie theater-sized forehead when it comes to the big game. This year’s production meeting was most likely filled with pitch ideas ranging from “How annoying is that Wiz Khalifa song?” to “How terrible of a person is Ben Roethlisberger?” or “How fantastic is A.J. Hawk’s hair?” The answers to those questions are a lot, a lot and a lot. Figure out for yourself which one is which. However, many Americans do not know the origins of the Big Game, or how it came to be so big. Fortunately, there is a very simple explanation to both of those queries.
In a foregone time that is now simply known as “The 60’s,” there were a few different football leagues.The NFL and the AFL (American Football League). There was also a little known league of full lipped, promiscuous ladies known simply as the DSL. They were undoubtedly the hottest of all of the leagues. With that said, the AFL and the NFL were the biggest and baddest of the bunch. They were like the Bloods and the Crips, or even the more dance-y and fun, Jets and the Sharks. If you get that reference, you’re a weirdo and if you don’t get it, you’re dumb. You decide, America
And in 1967, both leagues squared off for a rumble; the likes of which had never been seen before. Literally, the champions of both leagues fought each other with knives and bats and those things that are like a nunchuck on one side and a spikey ball that you swing around on the other side. It was intense. It is a widely accepted fact that seeing the rumble is what caused legendary folk singer Woody Guthrie to die later that year. He was thrown into an eventually fatal shock after seeing Packers wideout Boyd Dowler hurl a trident at the vulnerable chest of Kansas City Chief’s quarterback, Len Dawson. This horrific scene was later re-enacted in the classic Will Ferrell film Stranger Than Fiction. Fittingly, none of that shit was fiction. It was all too real.
In the interest of not making the nation vomit because of the gross display of violence, Packers quarterback Bart Starr suggested that the two teams do what they did to get there: play football. That is how the Super Bowl was born. Starr was awarded the MVP and the Packers were deemed the winner by an arbitrary “sure, why not?” score of 35-10. The “football only” format grew and flourished. People began to say things like “Wow, those are the two best teams. I enjoy watching them play each other at the end of the season to see who is the best.” The television industry capitalized. And now, the Super Bowl is broadcasted in over 1,700 countries and two million different languages. Those facts are completely made up. I’ll take the Packers in this game though, because that Wiz Khalifa song totally sucks.
a big list of awesome stuff
WE HOPE YOU LOVED THE COMIC BOOK!
Last week marked the inaugural issue of Encyclopedia Green, our detective comic based around Tom Izzo. We wanted to thank Brian Paul, Steven VanMaele, and Bailey Walsh for busting their ass to get it done and awesome.
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V O C A L P O I N T S
Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens! Derection: Definition: An unpleasant thought that’s an immediate boner killer. Sentence: “I got a derection last night when Angela told me about her abortion during sex.” Geroniho: Definition: A guy or girl who abandons sexual standards after a few drinks. Sentence: “A half a bottle of champagne and Deb is hitting on ugly GDIs all over the place. What a geroniho.”
Send us a sentence using one of the words above, and the best one wins a prize! vocab@theblacksheeponline.com
04
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Great Bros In History: Abroham Drinkin’ Ziev Beresh wrote this Born in a log cabin which he built himself while only two days old, Abroham Drinkin’ began his life as one of history’s, and America’s, greatest bros. The cabin itself was furnished with only an empty beer can chair, a dirt floor, and the pelt of a bear which Drinkin’ wrestled and killed with his bare hands. The “logs” for the log cabin were actually empty bottles of Bacardi.
height, he always had to wear jeans from Brocawear or Abrocrombie, as they were the only ones that would fit him.One day on a booze-run to Springfield, Illinois, his bro-ness was sensed and the residents of the city immediately elected him Senator. They also gave him a law degree.“I didn’t do shit to get this!” he cried. This earned him the name: Honest Abe.
DID YOU KNOW
The Civil War soon began between the bros and the dweebs, with the bros wearing trendy navy blue tank tops and neon shades and the dweebs wearing the grey uniforms their moms dressed them in. With the Emancipation Broclamation, Drinkin’ freed all the bros of the South and they quickly got crunk with the Northern bros and kicked the shit out of the dweebs. The country was saved and bros everywhere did a kegstand in victory.
His parents, Mr. and Mrs. Drinkin’, were immediately amazed and intimidated by the bro they had spawned and quickly bought him an Xbox, a bottle of Jager, a 300-pack of sheepskin condoms from Ye Olde Costo and a sandwich. After learning how to read only the important letters in the alphabet (B-E-E-R) and learning basic math and physics from banging female bros, Drinkin’ astonished everyone by using a piece of chalk to write the formula for a delicious homebrew and schematics for what is now the modern beer pong table (invented by Drinkin’ himself) on a shovel.He carried that shovel around for a while and used it to dig the graves of his enemies.“Someday I’ll be President,” he said, while playing Asshole with his Lincoln wasn’t friends.
?
really a bro, both of his siblings died in infancy.
E v e n t u a l l y, Drinkin’ grew to be taller than most other bros his age.Due to his
Around this time there was a lot of talk about ending slavery, which put many bros under indentured servitude to the Confedbro-rates, who were not bros at all, but actually geeks and dweebs with a cotton fetish. They made the Southern bros pick their cotton and Drinkin’, seeing this injustice, took off his New Era flat-bill hat and declared: “All bros are created equal, when I get the chance I’m gonna hit those dweebs hard.”He then punched Stephen A. Douglas in the face and went on a booze-run to Washington where he was elected President, just like he predicted only a week before.
Unfortunately, tragedy befell Abroham and his slampiece Mary at a Kanye West concert in the Ford’s Theatre in Washington.In the
middle of the show, a dweeb named John Wilkes Gooch walked up behind Drinkin’ and snapped his headphones in two. This gave Drinkin’ a heart attack and he immediately died. Thus the life of Abroham Drinkin’, an American hero was ended. For all his great accomplishments he has been added to the growing compendium of Great Bros in History.
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Fromwww.theblacksheeponline.com The Streets
05
“What are your plans for the Super Bowl?”
If Spartans Made Super Bowl Commercials…
“My sister, a few friends, and I go party at my grandma’s.” Erica M., Senior
Alex Everard wrote this With the hype surrounding Super Bowl (insert Roman numeral that 85% of Americans can’t decipher here), comes the annual hype of Super Bowl commercials. Ah yes, the most expensive timeslots of the advertising year are generally wasted on vaguely-witty commercials that try WAY too hard to be funny. You have your usual Budweiser Clydesdale bits that are either a) not funny at all or b) uber-sentimental and lame (two things that beer should never be associated with). You also have the Godaddy.com commercials… not so sure about the meaning of these, but I’ve concluded that Danica Patrick is a huge whore?
2) My next idea is for Bud Light. I’ve enjoyed many of their “Here We Go!” themed ads recently and I’ve got another one. It starts at a toga-party (I know, sooo college, right?). Everybody is having a great time, drinking Bud Light, and abusing the hell out of its catch phrase. Then, a partier pours the last Bud Light into his cup. The party immediately stops and erupts into chaos upon learning that the beer is gone. Just then, the doorbell rings. Three sexy women are standing there, wearing togas made of Bud Light! The man at the door cries tears of joy, and shouts, “Here we fuckin’ gooo!” I don’t care if the F-bomb is off-limits.
“”
While sitting through all of these sub-par ads, awaiting the one or two that are actually humorous, I always find myself creating better, funnier, sexier, and college-ier versions in my head. So, without further adieu, I give you Alex Everard’s Top Three 2011 Super Bowl Commercials: College Edition.
3) Captain Morgan hit gold with its slogan “Got a little captain in you?” I love this catch phrase, but what about those of us with a LOT of captain in us? Is “enjoy responsibly” all you have to say to your loyal, shitfaced consumers, Captain Morgan? Well, I’ve something to say. This idea both “Ah yes, the most expensive got promotes the tasty rum and makes 1) Every year, Doritos tries to timeslots of the advertising the people who are experiencing the take the cake on the college-age/ spins because of it, feel less like raging year are generally stoner demographic (combined, alkies and more like misunderstood wasted on vaguely-witty the two make up 95% of the comgeniuses. Basically, it’s a montage of commercials that try WAY all the famous alcoholics in the hispany’s consumers). In the past few years they’ve made a few tory of the world. Starting with a dirty too hard to be funny. ” commercials I’ve laughed at, but pirate (or Johnny Depp playing a dirty they’re simply not blunt enough. pirate) who sails the seas knocking Here’s an idea Doritos, stop beup women and drinking potent rum ing a bunch of bitches. Your company has the most potential, straight. Then, Ernest Hemingway is depicted scrawling one of so I implore you to use this sketch: A teacher is giving an in- his literary classics, pausing to yak up the Captain and Coke one formative drug lecture to 2nd graders focused on Marijuana. of his exotic mistresses just mixed him. Continue to Jackson The teacher explains the side effects of weed to the kids, tell- Pollack drunkenly stumbling around a canvas with an empty ing them that it “relaxes you, makes you funnier, and is non- bottle of rum in his hand, culminating in the first-ever splathabit forming.” Then, one stoney-ass kid asks, “So, why should tered painting that revolutionized art and made him famous. we not do mary-jew-onya?” The teacher responds with a clip Finally, cut to a from-the-back shot of Barack Obama behind of a pothead, fresh off a bong rip, ravenously shoving Doritos the podium during the 2008 presidential campaign. Zoom the into his fake-cheese-covered face until he reaches the bottom camera, enhance, and viola! A Captain Morgan shooter sits beof the bag. He then slips into a Dorito’s-induced coma, pitu- neath his speech as he moves a nation in peril to inspirational ring himself in a sexual fantasy involving his favorite flavor, tears. The commercial ends with this: A lot of visionaries drink Nacho Cheese. The commercial fades out, with this text over a lot of Captain. Enjoy responsibly… or become legendary. the blackness: “Pot: Not addictive. Doritos: Totally addictive.”
“I will probably be hanging out with friends who don’t watch football either.” Chelsea C., Senior
“I’m going to prepare a plethora of Super Bowl snacks and watch the game on our bitchin’ TV.” Annalise S., Junior
S E R U T C I P k e e w E H T OF
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SHOUT OUTS! Dear Jafar, Thanks for calling the cops on us at 11 pm, causing them do dump out all 13 fifths and 3 cases of beer. I’m glad we’re considered criminals now and cannot leave the state of Michigan. Love, the girls in apt. 7 To the cute brunette in a wheelchair at red lion- you can still enjoy sex, right? To the loud neighbors in 502, why do you continue to reenact every episode of Jersey Shore? It’s not funny and you don’t sound like Snooki. Dear my gfs roommate: No you can’t join in, 2 is enough Maggie, there’s no way you “accidentally” walked into my room, naked, again. Let’s just be real, you WANT this! -Steph Dave, next time you try enjoying the vibe more than me, I’m telling your friends. -Green Giant Pike Dave - why wouldn’t you let me video take it? Weak. -Liz To the super fatties stumbling around Grand Riv Thursday night and trying to chest bump everybody who walked by that really hurt and I hate you. Love, everyone on campus. Ass who still wears sandals to class, I hope your feet freeze and fall off!
SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
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the review: Mens’ Underwear Teddy Baum Cox wrote this ily for you, my readers, I have already done that fruitful and highly intoxicated spending for you. Join me on this journey to discover what cloth best covers my BFC (Big Fat Cock).
This is the same paper that put out The Condom Review, an article that informed couples about the magical products that can prevent babies from popping out of the oven. Well, ladies and gentlemen, where there is drunken sex, there is often foreplay. And of course with foreplay, nothing is more critical for men than the underwear that covers their cash and prizes. How does one know what types of underwear to choose without wasting copious amounts of money? Luck-
THE BOXER Boxers are like the old friend who we have hung around with for so long that when it comes time to name a best friend, you don’t even think of them. So, how can we not make them number one? Easy. Every fucking time I sit down and stand up I have to do a little shimmy to get the sonovabitch straightened out. It’s like wearing a rubix cube around my junk. One time, I stood up and my wang was honestly hanging out of one of the pant legs. It was ridiculous. The only positive aspect to boxers is that they usually have some witty saying on them that always causes the girl to make a comical face before I sling her a pint of throat yogurt. It will say something like, “Unlimited Ammo” above my BFC. THE BOXER BRIEF This one honestly depends on how much money you are willing to drop. Unlike boxers, they will not ride up, and unlike whitey tighties, (which shall not be discussed because those are not for men), they do not make you look like a 12 year old. The boxer brief can end horribly if you cut corners. Buy-
ing a cheap pair of these bad boys will feel like wearing a box of sand around your most prized orifices. However, if you’re a high roller like myself and buy a nice pair, they make your junk look sizeable, yet hug the ass with the comfort of an angel. (No homo).They’re also available in a wide variety of colors, and women love colorful things. THE STRING BIKINI For most men, this is an automatic-no…but hear me out. I bought a pair for comedic purposes, yet they made my junk look massive. Like, porn star massive. Women noticed it and everything was on the up and up. However, despite their comfort and wide range of colors and patterns to choose from, there is one downside. After about four to five hours of wearing these things, my BFC becomes extremely agitated and it loses circulation. I don’t know if it’s because the wiener sling isn’t big enough for my dick or because a man’s meat fiddle isn’t made to be in that position for long periods of time. Definitely not an everyday wear, but worth it from time to time to see the reaction.
So, there you have it. I’ve given you the underwear breakdown from top to bottom. Get it? No? Ok, well, go find something to cover your cock. Your erection is making me uncomfortable.
SomeÊofÊourÊfavorites!
The Bar Grid
January 2010
Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.
SPECIAL NIGHT
WED, 2/02 THURS, 2/03
FRI: 4-8PM: Nacho Bar $1.50 Wells & High Life Wednesday Daily Specials: $2 Coronas Monday 9pm-Close 8-Close: $3 All Drafts, $2.50 - Pints Daniels, Soco Limes, $2.50 –Jack Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close Kamikazes, LIVE DJ!6 $2.00 – Well Drinks
Happy Hour 4-7, Monday-Friday: $1 Off Pitchers, $0.50 Off Cocktails, $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts Lunch Specials 11:30 to 2, Monday-Friday $4.72 Burgers w/ chips and drink $5.47 Burgers w/ fries and drink
Two 4 Tuesdays $2 Wells, $2 Jack $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Long Island
$3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Calls $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs
Pitcher Night! $1.50 Off 60oz pitchers
$2 Captain Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Coronas, $3 Wells/Calls $4 Bombs/Shots (except Patron)
No Cover, Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs
Southwest Night! $2.75 Corona, Sierra Nevada, and Cuervo Gold Shots
Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ For More Information Contact Us: (517) 3512222 $3 Wells www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes 839863 for specials & updates. $4 UV Bombs
Happy Hour 4-7: $1 Off Pitchers, $0.50 Off Cocktails, $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts Lunch Specials 11:30 to 2, Monday-Friday $4.72 Burgers w/ chips and drink $5.47 Burgers w/ fries and drink
$3.75 Finlandia/Smirnoff Flavored Drinks, Captain and Bacardi Drinks, and Corona $5 Red Bull and Well Vodka $3.50 Grape Crush Shots
THURS: No Cover, Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ Thursday Friday Saturday $3 Wells 31 1 2 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4 UV Bombs 7
8
9
DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 14 15 16 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 21 22 23 $2.50 – Call Drinks DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-Close DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Bash Drinks 3-8: Half off ALL Drinks Burger Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $1 Burgers, $1 Fries $3.50 – All Pints DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well8-Close: Drinks Ladie’s Night! DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats Sunday All Day $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lt., $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas Rolling $3.00 – Pints Rock Bottles, Call Drinks, $8.00 – SoCo Burger, Fries & Pintand Kamizakes Limes Every Day $3.50 $3.00 – Kamikaze ShotsLong Islands Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day
1.75 24oz Cans of Miller Lt., Coors Lt and Labatt 2.00 Wells 3.00 Rumple Minze
BURGERAMA: $1.50 Burgers (3-9) $3 High Life Pitchers, $2.50 Labatt Mugs After 9: $2 Domestic Bottles $2.75 Everything (except Patron)
FRI, 2/04
Half Off Happy Hour 4-8PM $2 Nacho Bar, Half-Off Drinks 8-Close: $3 All Drafts, Jack Daniels, Soco Limes, *Ladies Night~ Every Thursday! and Kamikazes
SAT, 2/05
$3.50 Captain Morgan $3.50 Flavored Vodkas $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikazes $3 Domestic Bottles and Drafts
Live Band and DJ $4 Smirnoff flavors $3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs
$2.50 Pints of Labatt and Miller Lite all day!
$3.75 Captain/Jack Drinks $3 Miller Lite Mugs $3.50 SoCo Lime $3.75 Burger/Fries
SUN, 2/06
Closed
$3 Pints, Calls, and Bacardi Bombs $3 Bloody Mary’s and Mimosas $8 Burger, Fries, and a Pint
Canadian Night! $2.50 Bottles Labatt Blue & Blue Light; Molson Golden and Canadian
Happy Hour All Day! $3 Long Islands and Coronas $2.50 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks
MON, 2/07
$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Gator Bite Shots
$2 Pints of ‘lites’ $2 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs
Miller Lynchburg Night! $2.50 Miller, Lite, and Genuine Draft Bottles $2.75 Jack Shots
$3 Mugs of Leine, Blue Moon, and Killians $4 Mugs of Bass, Newcastle, Guinness $4 Shots and Bombs (except Patron)
TUES, 2/08
$2 Bottles of Miller Lt, Coors Lt, and Rolling Rock $2 ALL CALL DRINKS $2 Soco Lime and Kamakazee Shots $3.50 Long Islands
$2 Pints of ‘lites’ $2 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs
Big Draft Beer Night! $2.75 Labatt Blue and Miller Lite $3.70 Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 Guiness
WED, 2/09
$1.75 24oz Cans of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Labbatt Blue $2 Wells $3 Rumpleminze
$3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Calls $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs
½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings
Pitcher Night! $1.50 Off 60oz pitchers
Two 4 Tuesdays $2 Wells, $2 Jack $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Long Island
$2 Captain Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Coronas, $3 Wells/Calls $4 Bombs/Shots (except Patron)
The Bar Grid Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Sunday - Friday: $1.00 off ALL tall Drafts, $3 Smirnoff® flavors, Crown Royal®, Captain Morgan®, Jack Daniel’s®, SoCo®, Jameson Irish Whiskey® & $2 Select Shots PLUS $3 select appetizers
HAPPY HOUR! Mon - Fri, 4-7 DOLLAR Drinks and Drafts
Spartan Saturday $2.50 Wells $2.50 Pints $2.50 Bombs
Super Smoke Sunday All Hookah’s $9
SPECIAL NIGHT
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Red Wings vs. Senators at 7pm & Pistons vs. Bobcats at 7:30pm. Plus, MSU vs. Iowa at 8:30pm. Catch all the sports action here!
Half Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine
Closed
Drink Night! Buy a Hookah and Get TWO FREE Drinks!
WED, 2/02
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent boneless wings Have you tried one of our new dry seasonings? Try one today!
Thirstygirl Thursday Ladies Night – NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers
Closed
Happy Hour 7-9PM $2 Off All Smoke Sessions
THURS, 2/03
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Red Wings vs. Blue Jackets at 7pm & Pistons vs. Nets at 7:30pm Be sure to stay late night and try one of our $3 select appetizers!
TGIF $2.50 Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks $2.50 Stoli Drinks $2.50 Pints
Free For All Friday 9-10 NO Cover 9-11 FREE Draft Beer Tasting 9-11 FREE Pizza 9-11 $1.00 Drafts, Wells & Shots 11-2 $2.50 Wells, Beers & Shots
Happy Hour 7-9PM $2 Off All Smoke Sessions
FRI, 2/04
UFC 126 TONIGHT! Throwing a Big Game Party? Be sure to call ahead and preorder today!
ABC Saturday+Square Pegz $2.50 Absolut $2.50 Barcardi & Bud Light $2.50 Captains & Coronas $2.50 Crown & Cuervo
Spartan Saturday $2.50 Wells $2.50 Pints $2.50 Bombs
Happy Hour 7-9PM $2 Off All Smoke Sessions
SAT, 2/05
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close MSU vs. Wisconsin at 1pm. SuperBowl – Steelers vs. Packers at 6:30 pm!
SUNDAY RECESS PARTY SCHOOL’S OUT DJ JUAN, NO Cover $2.50 Pints, $6.75 60oz Pitchers 1/2 Off Pizza
Closed
Super Smoke Sunday All Hookah’s $9
SUN, 2/06
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Red Wings vs. Rangers at 7:30pm. Start your week off right with us!
$1.50 Pints $3.00 Pitchers FREE Hot Dogs
Closed
Buy 1 Smoke Session for $12, Receive Same Flavor Refill for Free!
MON, 2/07
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings Pistons vs. Spurs at 7:30 pm
Taco Tuesdays - FREE Tacos All-You-Can-Eat 7PM – 12AM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $5.00 Buckets of Coronas
Closed
Guess the Flavor Night First 2 Correct Guesses Receive FREE Smoke Session!
TUES, 2/08
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Red Wings & Pistons play at 7pm Let us help you get through the week
Half Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine
Closed
Drink Night! Buy a Hookah and Get TWO FREE Drinks!
WED, 2/09
10
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bartender
WEEK
of the
Nickname: Becky Age: 23 Relationship Status: Single Major: Communication What do you like best about your job: I get to be the at the party while working Turn on: Tall and funny Turn off: Too confident, Guidos How many golf balls do you think you can fit in a school bus: 2.3 million Worst job you have ever had: Working at Quiznos - I always smelled like sandwiches when I left Hangover cure: Slimfast - it really works it has a lot of vitamins in it Favorite place to make out: I am private, so not at the bar or in public Last movie you saw in the theater: Black Swan If Hollywood made a movie of your life, who would you want to play the lead role?:Miley Cyrus Pet Peeve: When guys leave their numbers on bar receipts but don’t leave a big tip Hobbies: Drinking, working out, watching movies Favorite junk food: Combos Who would win in a thumb war, Kalin Lucas or Durrell Summers?: Summers Shout Out: To all my co-workers I love you!
olas h c i N a c Rebec ush Club R
drink
Jack and Coke + Jack Daniels + Coke
Blue Rug Do you have a blue rug? Well, play this game on that blue rug! What You Need: Cards’n’booze. Number of Players: Two.
Intoxication Level: You’ll get really drunk really fast, but isn’t that the point?
How to Play: - A card is placed in front of one player, first card does nothing. A card is then placed in front of the other player. - If the 2 cards match both players take ten drinks. If the cards are one apart (king to queen, 6 to 7, etc.) both players take 5 drinks; 4 drinks for 2 apart, 3 for 3 apart, 2 for 4 apart, and 1 for 5 apart. - Players take turns flipping cards until they are all gone.
The Game Ends When: You and your one friend are rolling each other up in the blue rug and shouting “Look, a blue burrito!!!”
drinking games
shot
Dragon Bacardi + Strawberry Schnapps + Lemonade + Sprite
dare you
Straight 151
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top 10
11
Things We Miss From Childhood
10.
SIPPY CUPS When we were toddler people, these things prevented massive flash floods of juice across the kitchen floor or Mom’s pristine white carpet. Now that we’re hotter, older babies with boobs, can you imagine how much beer we could save if we invested in college-sized sippie cups? Million-dollar idea, guys.
9.
sATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS I was always the kid who slept in until 11:30 a.m., even as a seven-year-old, so I didn’t necessarily watch the “Saturday morning” part of the cartoons. Nonetheless, I definitely got my fill of Wile E. Coyote being a total dumbass and staying completely immortal, no matter what he blew himself up with that week. I’d like to give a special thanks to those Saturday morning cartoons, because even though I may have not have been there for you, you were always there for me.
8.
ROLLERBLADING When I see a dude rollerblading now, I immediately assume he is a homosexual, but back in the day (which was NOT a Wednesday, screw you Dane Cook), rollerblading (and scraping the fuck out of my knees), was the thing to do around the block. If you weren’t doing it, you weren’t cool. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
Justin Gawel and Frankie Muniz’s
Guide to Being a Big Fat Liar
justin wrote this
Ask anyone. Getting someone to believe something you made up is strangely fun. Whether you’re a guy trying to impress some slut at the bar or one of the authors spinning tales about a 9/11 conspiracy, it’s always a good ol’ time watching people believe the loads of bullshit coming out of you. Currently, there are many strategies in place for deception. We all know that no one could stand to meet the real us because we’re all too weird with our bacon fetishes, Al Roker obsessions, and neurotic cleaning habits. Clearly the only solution to seem attractive is to invent more interesting versions of ourselves. Let all the strange fascinations and irrational tics appear as happy little surprises later down the road. The personal narrative is probably the easiest and most basic way to lie. With no way to verify your story, your audience is at your mercy. It’s an art to be able to hit that magic number where the story is impressive enough and still believable enough for the (technically) mentally functional sorostitute to not question it. Crazy road trip stories usually work or you can always tell that drunken whore that you were the model they used to create the ‘Batman Voice.’ A word of caution though, it’s not advisable to use something that your victim could easily see through. Like, saying you were one of the original Beastie Boys (even though you were born in 1989), or saying 127 Hours was based off of your experience (despite you having both of your arms).
A more difficult illusion to pull off would be the everso-famous pretending you are someone that you aren’t. I know my looks aren’t Clooney-esque, but a younger, not as attractive, or in shape, David Duchovny I could probably pull off (assuming the girl has no idea what David Duchovny looks like). In all honesty though, if you’re over 6’4” and an African-American guy in East Lansing, you can tell basically any wasted girl that you are Durrell Summers or Draymond Green and all of them will believe the stream of lie-arrhea coming out of your mouth. The final exam in this lie-chology course involves fake accents. Accents make anyone seem more exotic and interesting. Remember back in high school when that foreign exchange student was in your class and all the girls were interested in him and you were completely perplexed as to why? Was it the weird clothes, the excessive amount of cologne, or the broken English flowing unnaturally? Nope, it was the accent that made him so mysterious and desirable. It can be as easy as mixing in a few words from your high school Spanish class (i.e. I would like some queso and Tostitos for me and my amigos). Girls love that kind of shit. If you’re someone who typically keeps things honest but wants to spice things up a bit, I suggest you start off slowly. Try telling a small fib to begin with and eventually build up to more interesting and dangerous lies. Soon you’ll be on your way to charming your way into someone’s pants. Under false pretenses, that is.
theblacksheeponline.com online issues. bar grid. party pics.
7.
SPICE GIRLS & BACKSTREET BOYS So, even though now they’re pooping out babies left and right, when they were in their prime, they created some of the most perfect music our 8-year-old ears could handle. Not to mention predicting which Backstreet Boy would date which Spice Girl was a great pastime when all the homework you had to worry about was some Hooked on Phonics bullshit.
6.
SUMMER CAMP Speaking for the white people, there is never going to be an experience as comparable as the tan we were blessed with from the 2 hour swim-time at summer camp. Well, that, and eating outside, playing on jungle gyms or watching Hook on rainy days. Just try not to think of this article this summer when you’re behind a desk at your internship hating your life.
5.
TOYS ‘R’ US The place where boys become men and girls become princesses. Just walking into Toys ‘R’ Us, knowing you’re going to walk out with a new toy was boner-inducing in itself, girl or boy. Don’t even get me started on Kids ‘R’ Us though, that place was hell for a 6-year-old who hated getting clothes more than they hated Ivan Ooze from the Power Rangers.
4.
MCDONALD’S BALL PIT “Look mom! I’m going under!” What exactly did we think we were doing when cold, colorful, plastic balls surrounded us? Was it because it felt cool and weird simultaneously? Would I be sent away to a crazy home if I tweeted “just chillin’ in the ball pit at McDonalds”? Probably, but I’m doing it anyway.
3.
SNICK You know it was a good Saturday night when you could catch everything on Snick. From All That, to Kenan and Kel, ending with Are You Afraid of The Dark to scare the elementary school shit out of you. A Jersey Shore re-run on Saturday night will never compare to this childhood magic.
2.
DISNEY MOVIES You know every word to “The Circle of Life” and wanted your own personal Genie (with Robin Williams’ voice, too). Simply put, if you didn’t watch Disney movies as a child, you had no childhood. I’m sorry, it’s just science. Hopefully someone will soon release you out of the box in the basement.
1.
GUSHERS Or any gummy snacks, really. Fruit by the Foot, fruit roll ups, gushers, my god. Whatever they were, they were good in any flavor. These sweet treats were worth punching out your best friend for one small packet, like a baby crack addict. Number one on this list because 100% worth the risk of childhood obesity and cavities 100% of the time. Hope your presents aren’t as shitty as mine.
Black Betty wrote this
12
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the movie page
Based on the Trailer
The Rite Quinn saw this and gave it a...
Director:
Mikael Håfström
The Roommate
Starring:
Feb. 4th
Colin O'Donoghue, Anthony Hopkins and Ciarán Hinds
Starring: Leighton Meester, Minka Kelly, Cam Gigandet
What You Need to Know: There’s a bunch of colleges, there’s a bunch of people who could be your roommate. And there’s a chance that the person is a huge emotionally unstable crazy bitch, so watch your drinks y’all. What We Think: Leighton Meester is a cutie, so we’re already hooked. This movie has an interesting premise that could play out in a totally unoriginal way. Like, “Ooh, the girl with all the money never had love as a child so she clings to people and then becomes a huge obsessive creep.” Been there, done that, yawn.
Just Go With It
Feb. 11th
Starring: Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Brooklyn Decker What You Need to Know: It's the same as so many movies in the world, we can't even describe it, but we'll try. Sandler lies to a very hot girl, to convince her he isn't lying, he makes up a crazy tale involving Jennifer Aniston. What We Think: Is this really plausible? Does Adam Sandler (who is pushing 50, we're guessing) really have a shot at a girl like Brooklyn Decker? No way in hell, not even in his Billy Madison days could he pull this kind of tail.
Frankie and Alice
Feb. 11th
Starring: Halle Berry, Stellan Skarsgard, Phylicia Rashad, Chandra Wilson What You Need to Know:This true story is about Frankie Murdoch (Halle Barry), a fun-loving lady who likes to dance because it’s the 70s in Los Angeles who wouldn’t want to dance? But alas she is crazy, she blacks out, she doesn’t remember things, she goes to a hospital. Hmm, sounds vaguely familiar yet much less cool. What We Think: This psychological drama looks damn good, as does Halle Berry rocking an afro. But with Berry playing a woman who suffers between being a seven-year-old child and a Southern white racist woman, we think this film will definitely keep our attention.
C+
Synopsis:
An American priest travels to Rome to diddle spirits out of people. Apparently this is a true story, and the priests involved are alive and exorcising today. I should tell you that if you see this movie and consider yourself non-religious, it will probably make you question that decision. Which leads me to believe that maybe it is not a true story, or not completely true, and that maybe the Vatican paid a bunch of money to claim it as a true story thus inviting more people back to religion. But that’s just my twisted take on reality, instead of accepting that the events truly happened and God and Satan are consistently and invisibly waging war for the hearts and souls of men every damn day. I saw this movie for Anthony Hopkins, because the always-truthful TV said The Rite was his best performance since Hannibal. I would probably agree. Having said that, Hopkins isn’t even the lead actor, that honor goes to Colin O’Donoghue, who plays Michael Kovak, the lonely son of a mortician-comesharp-shootin’ exorcist. Like many of us college kids, poor Michael was given two choices on his future: become a priest or become a mortician. He chooses to outsmart everyone by going to priest-school then just dropping out to pursue a career in, say, lookin’ cool.
on DVD
Exorcist Movies!!!!
Anyway, Michael turns out to be pretty talented and seemingly has “what it takes” to become an exorcist, so the main priest refuses his resignation from priesthood and sends him to take a short class on exorcists in Rome. This is where he meets Anthony Hopkins, and the movie goes from being just okay to a little bit better than okay. Hopkins plays Father Lucas Trevant, who is basically Hannibal Lecter if he became a priest. He’s old, wise, weathered, witty and unorthodox. You immediately jump into the action with Father Trevant, as a young pregnant woman is possessed. This first scene sets the tone for the rest of the movie, as the tension builds to something spooky so if you haven’t already grabbed the clammy hand of the girl next to you, this is a good time to do so. So ole’ preggers goes nuts and starts saying things that she wouldn’t otherwise know, and the young skeptical Michael is all like “whoa, maybe God and the Devil and little baby Jesus really do exist, and maybe the upcoming events of this movie/my life will put my skepticism to the test.” And boy does it! The demons start saying more things, quoting his girlfriend and other things, and it turns
out that, for reasons that I never really understood, this demon has a personal agenda to possess or kill or do something to Michael. None of this is really explained, besides the fact that maybe the demon just wanted Michael’s soul because he questioned his faith, but then I don’t know why he wouldn’t just go after any old jamoke on the street. In any case, this seems like your normal run-of-the-mill exorcist movie, you get a skeptic, an old guy, a hot reporter (played by Alice Braga) who doesn’t really affect the plot at all besides to portray of her real-life albeit male counterpart Matt Boglia. Then you get some creepy effects, throw in some cats and toads and a red-eyed horse and badabingbadabang you’ve got a nice lookin’ exorcist flick on your hands. In the end, Michael admits that he believes in God, gets the demon to say his name (for some reason this banishes the demon back to hell) and then continues to practice exorcisms in Chicago today. Which, I am still convinced, all comes back to my theory that this movie is a ploy by the Vatican to get smart, strong, sometimes-witty but always handsome critics such as myself to jump back in the church or even better, priest school.
answers are a few pages from here
February 1st Let Me In Never Let Me Go Conviction Monsters
February 8th You Again Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 Red The Social Network
Patrick Fabian played the lead role in “The Last Exorcism.” He got his start, though, playing an iconic professor in which 90’s spin off show?
On the movie poster for “Poltergeist,” what is the phrase the little girl touching the tv screen say?
Jennifer Carpenter, who played Emily Rose in “The Exorcism of Emily Rose” is now one of the lead actresses on which popular Showtime show?
Between the original film release in 1973 and the Director’s Cut re-release in 2000, how much money has “The Exorcist” made?
13
www.theblacksheeponline.com
The Black Sheep Interviews: Hoodie Allen Hoodie Allen is just like you, only if you were very, very talented. The up-and-coming rapper recently quit his job at Google to dedicate himself to music, and his mix tape, Pep Rally, is actually why the internet blew up in Egypt. He’s playing a live show at The Loft on Friday, February 5th. We caught up with him before that, obviously. The Black Sheep: So first, a little background. When did TBS: You’re big into social media, can you talk about you start making music? how that lets you interact with fans? Hoodie: It’s great. I mean, I keep a Facebook, a Twitter, Hoodie Allen: Well I’m 22 now, but I’ve been writing music since I was, like, 12, so I’ve had a passion for doing it for a my own personal Facebook page, a lot of stuff. It’s a great way to interact with fans and to let them know that I care. while. In the past six months or the past year or whatever I respond to every message and every tweet. It’s really I’ve been getting a lot more attention, though. It allows a much bigger platform for reaching people. important to be able to grow your fan base by interacting with them. TBS: So did you start doing traditional stuff like piano or trumpet, or was it rap TBS: We’re doing this interview because There are more than Hoodie recently you’re playing a live show in Lansing on from the beginning? 26graduated million porn sites 2/5. If someone comes to your show, Hoodie: I played piano and a little guitar from when I was younger, but I’ve always been a what should they expect? Penn. His real person who writes music, I’ve always been a Hoodie: It’s a lot of fun. It’s a high-energy, dancy hip-hop show. You can just come writer. I’ve been writing music since before I name is Steven out, have a good time, listen to some really knew why I was writing music. great music. You’ll be a better person by the TBS: Then what’s your current approach Markowitz. to making music? end of the day; your parents will love you more for coming to this concert. Hoodie: It’s a really collaborative process between me and my producer RJF. You DID YOU KNOW TBS: Can you talk about some of the pros and cons of touring? know, I’ll listen to music I enjoy and I’ll Hoodie: I’ve really fallen in love with touring recently. It’s come at him and say, “hey, I think this would be good on a been a fast process in terms of getting those opportunities song,” and we’ll try to make it work. Pep Rally was a really and living that lifestyle. The pros are everything, from having collaborative process like that. fans in front of you, mouthing the words back at you, to TBS: So what have you been listening to lately? converting new fans on the spot. Sharing a really unique Hoodie: I’ve been listening to a lot of indie pop lately. experience- every live show is different- is great. The only Everything from James Blake to Mark Ronson. Kanye West downside is the grind, but I love that grind, it keeps me has been my hip-hop staple lately. I’m into Arcade Fire, and motivated. Florence and the Machine, too.
music
2
Jurassic 5 Super Bowl Sundae
3
Madonna Super Pop
4
Devo Super Cop
5
Rick James Superfreak
6
Radiohead Super Collider
7
The Carpenters The Super Star
8
Soul Coughing Super Bon Bon
9
Kid Cudi Super Boo
10 Wavves Super Soaker 11 MGMT Super Volcano 12 ABBA Super Trooper 13 Morphine Super Sex 14 Gogol Bordello Super Taranta! 15 Beastie Boys Super Disco Breakin’ 16 Big Pun Super Lyrical 17 Lenny Kravitz Super Soul Fighter
Now that’s what I call drunk music.
Tweens dig compilation albums for a variety of psychologically fucked up reasons. They have attention deficit disorder, not to state the obvious, so an album that has different types of songs all together is key to tween enjoyment. Tweens are also brats and don’t want to listen to songs they don’t know and only listen to the ones that they hear on the radio. Tweens are also sluts-in-a-cage, waiting to be freed, so of course they like mainstream songs that tell you to drop it low, to shake it and chug your drink until the bottom of the glass is up, to love people who lie to you. We all know what the “Now That’s What I Call Music!” series is because we all bought the first couple versions when we were inadvertent skanky tweens, and of course loved them immensely. Alas we’ve all gotten older, the internet has evolved, illegally downloading music somehow became quasi-legal, blah, blah, blah. So when I went to look at the track list for the 37th version it was like looking into a Lisa Frank coloring book. I was confused and anxious feeling, blinded by the zany spellings of artists, the abbreviations, the $, the z’s. I was like, “Nope, I don’t know any of these songs because I only like music that has emotional meaning to it and/or a relevant buzz around the band.” But upon listening to the tracks, everything came flashing back to me like the memories of blacking out right before a fateful final tequila shot. Ah yes, it’s all coming vaguely back to me now. Okay, so “Like a G6” was the song I was bobbing my head to while waiting for the bartender! Yes, I have danced like no one’s watching after a Four Loko and two pitchers to “Hey Baby (Drop It to the Floor).” I have shamefully gotten blacked out, bruised up drunk to Ke$ha. “Now That’s What I Call Music! Volume 37” is just one gigantic flashback to a terrible, terrible Saturday night out
D
others
at a trashy bar. So this is what skanky tweens are listening to these days? Makes sense. The album starts off with an edited version of Eminem (when did he become such a pussy?) and Rihanna’s “Love the Way You Lie,” a popular song back in September/ October I believe but nonetheless a good one for pathetic stage-five clingers at the bar. Ke$ha’s back yet again, rolling around in glitter and mud, for the fantastical “We R Who We R” which essentially means ‘Tweens, you can b whoevr u want to b and let whoevr u want to cum on yr chest.” The Ready Set is a totally unknown loser band who is apparently sort of Caribbean with “Love Like Woe,” in which I don’t think tweens understand the play-on-words that these crafty sons of bitches wrote up, so kudos, I guess. In between these songs is a blur of sounds that I’m unsure of if they are actually songs or just “filler noise.” Besides from the shining star “Whip My Hair,” this entire album is like puking up fruity liquor and confetti, with too many wacky names and inauthentic pines for love and crappy Autotune and brainwashing. But what I’ve found most profound in all of this is the behavior conditioning tweens experience while listening to this music; that their listening to party music as a tween turns them into hard partying 20-something college students getting trashed in various public establishments. I guess you can take the tween out of the music, but you can never take the music out of the tween. Sounds Like: The music unhappy housewives with bratty tweens listen to. Download: You probably have them all, but “Whip My Hair” Listen to It When: You’re blacked out.
The Party Ain't Over - Wanda Jackson Ventriloquizzing - Fujiya & Miyagi Cold War Kids – Mine Is Yours Kiss Each Other Clean - Iron & Wine
ˇ
Nicki Minaj Super Bass
Out Now
Now That’s What I Call Music! Volume 37
It's Super! 1
TBS: Assuming your success continues to grow, are there things you want to do that you can’t do now? Hoodie: I’m never really satisfied, so yeah, there are some secret things I’ve like to cross off my 2011 checklist. Maybe it’s going to a certain place on tour, or working with a similar artist. TBS: So, what’s your favorite fast food? Hoodie: Five Guys is my shit. TBS: What’s your favorite and least favorite Michael Cera movie? Hoodie: Superbad is my favorite, I know it’s clichéd, but it just is. My least favorite is Year One, I couldn’t make it through 20 minutes of that movie. Cera was dope in Zombieland too. Just kidding. TBS: And your drink of choice? Hoodie: After a show, Poland Spring water. After that, Jack Daniel’s.
ˇ
?
brendan wrote this
Cloud Nothings - Cloud Nothings Content - Gang of Four There Are Rules - The Get Up Kids Deerhoof Vs. Evil- Deerhoof
THE SUPER BOWL DRINKING GAME
When the Announcers: During the Halftime Show: Drink 1 when they call a QB their first name.
Drink 1 for every chorus repetition.
Drink 2 when talking about either team’s
Drink 2 for each new song.
history.
Drink 3 for every surprise guest.
Drink 3 when they compliment the stadium.
Drink 4 when Fergie gets her eagle on.
Drink 3 when they cut to a sideline reporter.
Drink 10 if that weird Asian guy actually
Chug a beer if they mention Brett fuckin’
does anything.
Farve.
When the Team You’re Rooting For:
Drink Drink Drink Drink Drink
1 for each completed pass. 2 for any first down. 3 for any field goal they make. 6 for any touchdown. 10 for any trick play tried.
Drink 2 for any sack. Drink 3 for any turnover.. Drink 3 for any penality. Drink 10 for any defensive TD. Finish your beer on a safety.
In Your Place:
During the Commercials: Drink 2 for every beer commercial.
Drink 1 whenever someone goes to pee.
Drink 2 for every babe.
Drink 2 for every Roethlisberger joke.
Drink 3 for every movie trailer.
Drink 3 when something is spilled.
Drink 3 for an intentionally unfunny com-
Drink 5 if someone complains about the
mercial.
Lions.
Drink 6 for every animal or baby that talks.
Drink 8 when someone asks for the score.
Occupation:
Danny Tanner Danny Bonaduce Danny DeVito Danny Trejo
City courthouse Jail courthouse Post-apocalyptic underground cave Las Vegas
Floor Buffer Buffet Waiter McGruff the Crime Dog Impersonator Fluffer
Wife:
Wedding entree:
couples pastime:
Sarah Jessica Parker Sarah Palin Sarah McLachlan Sarah Michelle Gellar
Kosher ham Yak tenderloin Chex mix Blended duck
Alligator hunters Cornbread enthusiasts Snuff film indexers Tax auditors
how you met:
Pet:
transportation:
Jersey Shore fan convention Match.com Filming a herpes PSA In a brothel
Two-headed dog Rattle-less rattlesnake Purple cow An old person
Hoverboard Flying car Reverse helicopter Space camel
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Movie Quiz
wedding Location:
1. Saved By The Bell: The College Years 2. “They’re Here” 3. Dexter 4. Roughly $513 million
Husband:
( class time )
Answers
MASH
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