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theblacksheeponline.com Week of February 9th, 2011 | Volume 4 Issue 05
Other stuff
Inside 05 How to Ruin
Valentine’s Day:
IF I’M NOT GETTING LAID, NO ONE IS GETTING LAID
Solutions to Your Valentine’s Day Loneliness: THE CHEAP AND DIRTY VERSION (Much Like the Hooker You Will Undoubtedly Bring Home) Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this
11 Everyone’s A Loser Having a good Valentine’s Day defies the laws that govern this universe
16 Valentine’s Day Cards: Give them to the person you truly care about want to bang CONTINUED ON PAGE 11...
M
uch like Star Jones, Valentine’s Day is only filled with resentment and chocolates. Before you know it, you find yourself lounging on the couch in your queso-stained sweats while watching reruns of The Nanny, scarfing down an entire box of Whitman’s from your mother, and scratching a mysterious mole on your arm that you could only presume to be cancerous. Yes my friends, this is Valentine’s Day for most of us unlucky singletons. Nevertheless, a change must be made this year. Determined to end this cycle of denial, loneliness, and general disdain for all couples, I’ve come up with a few so-so solutions to brighten up this shitastic holiday, or at least make it blow a little less. Love Yourself: And by that, I’m obviously referring to masturbation. A little self-love always makes things better. Pour a couple glasses of wine, light some candles, and bust out Throbin Hood (Prince of Beaves) and the Thunder Vibe (or whatever rocks your boat: be it a vibrator, anal beads, or your pinky finger). Proceed to lose yourself in the 30 seconds of passion and friskiness it takes until you get off and slowly begin to realize that it’s just you. Alone...again.
Have Lunch With the Grandparents:I know what you’re thinking; make the day even more depressing by going to P.F. Chang’s with two octogenarians whose bodies are falling apart right before your eyes and smell like soup and disease. Well, to all you doubters, I assure you that this is a surefire way to rid you of your V-day sadness because in return, you will be filled with not only a free meal, but an appreciation for your youth and a boost of self-confidence. At least someone will actually be telling you things like, “you’re the most beautiful girl in the world” unlike last Valentine’s, when you repeated it to yourself in the bathroom mirror and watched yourself cry for half hour.
Get Boinked: Whether it’s rekindling with an ex- and/or fuck buddy, or hooking up with some dirtbag at Rick’s, or the QD cashier whom you met during your midnight run for another bottle of 151 and Double Stuf Oreos. Nothing beats a night of rapid sex full of desperation and sweat on the broken futon in your basement.
Chillax With the Born-Again Christians: Clearly this is your last resort to make your Valentine’s Day worthwhile, but here’s my reasoning for hanging out with this goon squad. The Christians will welcome you with open arms. They will also try to convince you that at least someone will be waiting for you when you die. Your life is so far down the shitter that there’s no way God even cares, so scratch this whole idea. All in all, you can make fun of them to feel better about yourself, considering you have a better chance of finding someone than these gay for Jesus weirdos (although Jesus does have a trim swimmer’s body). ...On second thought, these crazies might have the right idea. Treat it Like Any Other Day: This very well could include gorging yourself on Jose Ole mini tacos, crying yourself into a hearty nap, and waking up just in time for Oprah (you’re never alone when you’re watching Oprah, she’s your best friend). The rest of the day consists of dicking around until you scrounge up enough alcohol to pass out in your own piss and filth. But hey, that could just be me…
Seriously though, let’s be real for a second; loneliness is inevitable on Valentine’s Day. So, here’s to waking up in your bedroom that for some reason smells like a dead cat, chocolate smeared across your mouth, and your hand cradling your crotch . Happy Valentine’s Day.
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V O C A L P O I N T S
Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens! Braffling: Definition: Maintaining narration in your head, like Zach Braff on Scrubs. Sentence: “I was Braffling for like 5 minutes at McDonalds before I realized it was my turn to order.” Guidon’t: Definition: A person who embraces guido culture, but only because it’s currently trendy. Sentence: “Kyle's a Guidon't, he's all "GTL" now, but just dropped his hipster jeans off at Goodwill last week.”
Send us a sentence using one of the words above, and the best one wins a prize! vocab@theblacksheeponline.com
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The Real History of Cupid Teddy Baum Cox wrote this
Valentine’s Day sucks. It’s on this day that we’re reminded of our crippling loneliness or the fact that we are in a relationship that is destined to fail. Valentine’s Day is comparable to a puppy. Sure, it might be cute and cuddly at the moment, but in the short run, it’s going to poop on the rug and in the long run, it’s going to die. Either way, you are miserable. It really is a lose-lose day that some asshat created to make everyone depressed. Why did this shithead do this? Well, my lonely friends, buckle the fuck up because it’s story time. Once upon a time, there was this total dickhead named Carl. Carl sucked. He spent his Friday nights masturbating and eating Fruit Loops because everybody knows if you’re going to masturbate, you need some Fruit Loops for a post yogurt-slinging snack. One day, Carl realized his ding-dong looked like it went through some sort of Indian rug burn hell, so he threw “In many on his nicest shirt (a places, Cupid graphic tee), was shown nicest jeans riding a dolphin (torn up of course), and or a bird” went out to the bars to
DID YOU KNOW
?
maybe find a lovely lady with self esteem/daddy issues. Well, I think we all know where this is going. Carl was unable to land any women at the bar and simply proceeded to get white girl wasted (emotional). Stumbling back home, Carl did what any red-blooded American does when the ladies get them down. He did a shit ton of cocaine and watched Boner Jamz ’98. After getting all hopped up on blow, Carl grabbed his eight ball (of cocaine) and decided to hit the bars again. Busting into the grimiest dive bar in East Lansing, Carl stumbled about until he finally saw her. She was an angel in that shit hole. With her low cut top, tight designer jeans, and tigolbitties, it was Carl’s dream woman. He rolled up to her and said the best line he had in him, “What’s up big tits, wanna fuck?” For some God unknown reason, this woman saw something nice and agreed. She tossed him in the car and off they went back to her place. Carl’s mind was racing. This woman was clearly a 10, or at least in his messed up mind she was a 10 and he was pushing a 6, maybe. Her place was real nice too, looked like something out of a Bed Bath and Beyond catalogue… none of that Ikea bullshit. Anywho, things started to heat up, but Carl did a little too much nose candy and the odds of his baby dick getting up were like the odds of me respecting women (little to none).
He began to weep into her shoulder because his life was just one shitty existence. She berated him and he tried to call her stupid, but because he was sobbing like a little bitch, it came out as “Cupid.” She then called him Cupid and the nickname spread like wildfire. That is the history of Cupid. If you don’t believe me, you can go eat a dick.
Fromwww.theblacksheeponline.com The Streets
05
“What are your plans for Valentine’s Day?”
How to Ruin Valentine’s Day for Everyone Else
“I don’t have any plans, so here’s my number, 906-282-2632.” Christopher Durocher, Alumni
Alex Everard wrote this
Valentine’s Day is ranked second worst day of the year, behind only 9/11. Trying to find someone truly happy on Valentine’s Day is like trying to find an optimist in a hospice. If you’re in a relationship, you feel one of two ways. If you’re male, you’re pissed off for 24 hours at this stupid fucking hallmark-made-up-bullshit-holiday because you have to spend $40 on flowers and shitty chocolate. If you’re a girl, you stress all day long about looking cute and debate for hours over which playful sex-related gift you should give your BF to turn V-Day from tacky to sexy (hint: he doesn’t want arousal gel, he just wants you to finally give in to whatever taboo you’ve been repeatedly deeming ‘too far’). And if you’re single, you’re just pissed that Valentine ’s Day exists and not “Casual Sex with Someone Out of Your League Day” doesn’t.
and if you’re lucky, their entire relationship. Simply walk up to said couple, and direct a look of disgust and jealously at either the man or woman (usually, you would go with the opposite sex, but if you’re feeling gutsy you can go same-gender staged adultery). Say things like, “after all those things you said to me? I find out about (him/ her) like this? I let you see my downstairs mix-up!” Proceed to run away and cry, making it as theatrical as possible. When the damage is done, leave Mr. and Mrs. Perfect alone for some awkward arguing.
“”
But while the vast majority of the public either a) mourns the fact that they are single or b) mourns the fact that they are in a relationship, there are those select few couples that the very inner circle of Hell is reserved for. Yes, the disgustingly-cute, cliché couple leaving the coffee shop—the girl with her flowers and the guy with his “totally awesome” new book on understanding the female orgasm—walking hand in hand down the sidewalk, not a care in a world.
2) Alcohol: Get shitfaced and heckle people. You look like a jackass here and it’s not as subtle, but at least you’re not the worthless humans with the couple mittens on (see “smittens”: a set of mittens with 3 gloves, an extra large one in the middle to hold hands inside of. Price: your dignity, self-worth). All you have to do is insult everyone you see as rudely as possible. “Hey you poor bastard, I’ve seen prettier girls at the Republican National Convention!” “Yo Fuckface the third! When you have sex with her, has the Jane Goodall ever been taking notes in the corner?” “Look at this guy, I bet his Mom wouldn’t even let him suck on her tits when he was born!” Etc., etc., like so, until their dumb smiles are completely erased.
“Trying to find someone truly happy on Valentine’s Day is like trying to find an optimist in a hospice. ”
Just look at them. Makes you want to run up to them with an “I’m going to vomit” face, hold it back and say “false alarm” before spewing every bit of lunch all over her unoriginal roses and his dumbass, clean-shaven face. “Oh, we’re so happy, will YOU be my Valentine BABE?!” “Oh, of course bunny-bear! Yes, I just combined a bunny and a bear, two polar opposite animals, into one pet name! That’s how freakin’ cute you are!”
Here is my guide to destroying everything enjoyable that they have tried to suck from the worst day of the year, resulting in satisfying payback against those fucking pricks. 1) Old Unfaithful: This tactic can go both ways. Men and women can use the tool of infidelity and suspicion to ruin a happy couple’s day,
“Gettin’ fucked up! My girl said I wasn’t even in the Top 25!” Sparty
3) Make Them Married: If they’re so damn happy, why don’t they just get married? You can ensure awkwardness and questioning of their relationship after you walk up wearing a hotdog suit and hand the lovely lady a wiener with a cheap wedding band on it. Simply say, “He wants you to know, you’re the ketchup to his mustard, the wiener to his bun, and the corn dog to his corny ass persona. Will you marry this shithead?” Even if the guy plays it off smoothly, she will never forget. And if those fuckers do end up getting married, she will always remember that day as “try #1,” no matter how much he denies it. 4) The Favre: Send multiple pictures of your genitals to random phone numbers. This one is bound to screw someone with a nosey BF/GF over, and if not, at least ruin their day.
So curl up with your best bourbon, your best insults, and your rudest humor and hit the streets to make sure anyone having a happy Valentine’s Day is having their last happy Valentine ’s Day.
“Gonna have a party complete with a pinata and alcohol...lots of alcohol. ” J.J. Mariani, Junior
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SHOUT OUTS! To Matt, I know you read this religiously so I thought I’d take this opportunity to let you know how much I hate you. Dave To the girl on the third floor who keeps unzipping her pants before she gets into the stall--You disgust me. There are two things you need: patience and a bikini wax. Jake - Nice haircut! I didn’t know the bowl-cut was coming back! Did your brother do that...or did you lose a bet? Either way, I’d wear a hat for a while... To the dude at Jimmy John’s who thought it would be funny to steal my Slim Jim - I will hunt you down! Derek, remember when you passed out and woke up “untucked”...yeah, we took a peek, and it was pretty impressive - Allison Ann, quit smoking weed or get a job. The choice is yours. J$ - thrice is impressive, yo woman was ug tho - Da G Boys Mike - please stop peeing in the shower.
SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
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The Black Sheep Gift Giving Guide: Valentine’s Edition Justin Gawel wrote this says, “I love you, but you need to do a better job cleaning this sty, bitch” than a brand-spanking-new set of rags and name-brand detergent. Love really can be a beautiful thing at times.
DEODORANT OR PERFUME Are you sick and tired of your partner stumbling in at two-in-themorning with a distinct odor ofblood and booze that just never seems to come out of the sheets no matter how much fabric softener you use? Buy them some deodorant or perfume and you can mask the smell of their hobbies and trick yourself into thinking that they were pulling a late night at the office instead of drinking at their fight club. GYM MEMBERSHIP Want a not-so-subtle way to tell your not-so-hot partner that you no longer find them attractive, since all they do now is sit on the couch stuffing their face while (ironically) watching The Biggest Loser? A gym membership could be the hint they need to transform that Fat Damon into a Slim Belushi. If you want something a little less indirect, try opting for the Subway gift card.
SET OF RAGS AND DETERGENT Looking for something for the domesticated housewife? Nothing
LOVE COUPONS Basically a great way to say, “I’m poor.” Oh wow, coupons for things that I would normally get for free! ...What a great gift.Be sure to put expiration dates on them or you could face the possibility of an ex-boyfriend demanding to redeem his coupon, years after your breakup for one session of freaky-sexy-time with you. Talk about awkward! BOTTLE OF BOOZE Arguably better than couples therapy. A bottle of booze lets you and your partner forget about all those little things that have impeded your ability to just get drunk and giggle again. You know, those little things like work, the children, and her dying mother,
(who really needs to learn how to fend for herself for an evening while Mom and Dad get their buzz on).
COUPLES THERAPY What seems like a way to strengthen your existing relationship will turn into a fifty-minute bitch-fest once a week where he’ll complain that she doesn’t cook him breakfast everyday, and she’ll whine that he never wants to listen to the stories involving her friends.
BABY CLOTHES Now ladies, you may be thinking baby clothes as a Valentine’s Day present would be a cute way to tell your boo that you’re preggers. I assure you that it is not. Men don’t like Valentine’s Day in general, and telling him he will need to be responsible and stop drinking six nights a week is not going to make his day any better.
CONDOMS Tell her you bought her condoms because you don’t want her to be putting chemicals in her body with birth control or Plan B. In reality, you just don’t want her to find out that you contracted the Herp from that skank at the office. It’s the perfect Valentine’s Day lie. A GUN WITH ONE BULLET Is there any better way to say, “We’re done”?
The Bar Grid
January 2010
Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.
SPECIAL NIGHT
WED, 2/09 THURS, 2/10
FRI: 4-8PM: Nacho Bar $1.50 Wells & High Life Wednesday Daily Specials: $2 Coronas Monday 9pm-Close 8-Close: $3 All Drafts, $2.50 - Pints Daniels, Soco Limes, $2.50 –Jack Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close Kamikazes, LIVE DJ!6 $2.00 – Well Drinks
THURS: No Cover, Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ Thursday Friday Saturday $3 Wells 31 1 2 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4 UV Bombs 7
8
9
DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 14 15 16 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 21 22 23 $2.50 – Call Drinks DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-Close DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Bash Drinks 3-8: Half off ALL Drinks Burger Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $1 Burgers, $1 Fries $3.50 – All Pints DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well8-Close: Drinks Ladie’s Night! DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats Sunday All Day $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lt., $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas Rolling $3.00 – Pints Rock Bottles, Call Drinks, $8.00 – SoCo Burger, Fries & Pintand Kamizakes Limes Every Day $3.50 $3.00 – Kamikaze ShotsLong Islands Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day
$1.75 24oz Cans of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Labbatt Blue $2 Wells $3 Rumpleminze
Happy Hour 4-7, Monday-Friday: $1 Off Pitchers, $0.50 Off Cocktails, $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts Lunch Specials 11:30 to 2, Monday-Friday $4.72 Burgers w/ chips and drink $5.47 Burgers w/ fries and drink
BURGERAMA! 3-9PM Burgers $1.50
$3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Calls $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs
Pitcher Night! $1.50 Off 60oz pitchers
No Cover, Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs
Southwest Night! $2.75 Corona, Sierra Nevada, and Cuervo Gold Shots
BURGERAMA: $1.50 Burgers (3-9) $3 ‘Rama Brew, $2.50 Frog Tanks $3.50 Labatt Pitchers
Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ For More Information Contact Us: (517) 3512222 $3 Wells www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes 839863 for specials & updates. $4 UV Bombs
Happy Hour 4-7: $1 Off Pitchers, $0.50 Off Cocktails, $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts Lunch Specials 11:30 to 2, Monday-Friday $4.72 Burgers w/ chips and drink $5.47 Burgers w/ fries and drink
$7.50 ALL YOU CAN EAT FISH FRY! $3.75 Smirnoff $5 Red Bull and Well Vodka $3.50 Grape Crush Shots $3 Labatt Mugs
$3.75 Captain/Jack Drinks $3 Labatt Mugs $3.50 SoCo Lime $4 Burger/Fries 12-5 pm
DJ DANCE PARTY (live DJ or Band) 1/2 OFF FOOD ALL DAY
$3 Labatt Mugs, $3 Wells/Calls $4 Bombs/Shots (except Patron)
FRI, 2/11
Half Off Happy Hour 4-8PM $2 Nacho Bar, Half-Off Drinks 8-Close: $3 All Drafts, Jack Daniels, Soco Limes, *Ladies Night~ Every Thursday! and Kamikazes
SAT, 2/12
$3.50 Captain Morgan $3.50 Flavored Vodkas $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikazes $3 Domestic Bottles and Drafts
Live Band and DJ $4 Smirnoff flavors $3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs
$2.50 Pints of Labatt and Miller Lite all day!
SUN, 2/13
Closed
$3 Pints, Calls, and Bacardi Bombs $3 Bloody Mary’s and Mimosas $8 Burger, Fries, and a Pint
Canadian Night! $2.50 Bottles Labatt Blue & Blue Light; Molson Golden and Canadian
Taco Trio w/ Drink Purchase 4:30-11:00pm $2.75 3 Beef or Chicken Tacos
MON, 2/14
$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Gator Bite Shots
$2 Pints of ‘lites’ $2 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs
Miller Lynchburg Night! $2.50 Miller, Lite, and Genuine Draft Bottles $2.75 Jack Shots
1/2 off FOOD all day! $1.75 Wll Drinks All Day $3 Labatt Mugs $4 Shots & Bombs
TUES, 2/15
$2 Bottles of Miller Lt, Coors Lt, and Rolling Rock $2 ALL CALL DRINKS $2 Soco Lime and Kamakazee Shots $3.50 Long Islands
$2 Pints of ‘lites’ $2 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs
Big Draft Beer Night! $2.75 Labatt Blue and Miller Lite $3.70 Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 Guiness
WED, 2/16
$1.75 24oz Cans of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Labbatt Blue $2 Wells $3 Rumpleminze
$3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Calls $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs
½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings
Pitcher Night! $1.50 Off 60oz pitchers
POOL TOURNAMENT 7 pm FREE POOL ALL DAY!! $2 Well and Call Drinks $3 Labatt Mugs $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Long Islands $2.75 3 Soft Shell Tacos DJ DANCE PARTY (live DJ or Band) 1/2 Food all day!
$3 Labatt Mugs $3 Well & Call Drinks $4 Bombs/Shots (except Patron)
The Bar Grid Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Sunday - Friday: $1.00 off ALL tall Drafts, $3 Smirnoff® flavors, Crown Royal®, Captain Morgan®, Jack Daniel’s®, SoCo®, Jameson Irish Whiskey® & $2 Select Shots PLUS $3 select appetizers
HAPPY HOUR! Mon - Fri, 4-7 DOLLAR Drinks and Drafts
Spartan Saturday $2.50 Wells $2.50 Pints $2.50 Bombs
Super Smoke Sunday All Hookah’s $9
SPECIAL NIGHT
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Red Wings & Pistons play at 7 pm Catch all the sports action here!
Half Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine
Closed
Drink Night! Buy a Hookah and Get TWO FREE Drinks!
WED, 2/09
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent boneless wings MSU vs. Penn State at 7 pm. Go Green! Go White!
Thirstygirl Thursday Ladies Night – NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers
Closed
Happy Hour 7-9PM $2 Off All Smoke Sessions
THURS, 2/10
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Red Wings vs. Bruins at 7 pm & Pistons vs. Heat at 7:30 pm- Be sure to stay late night and try one of our $3 select appetizers!
TGIF $2.50 Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks $2.50 Stoli Drinks $2.50 Pints
Free For All Friday 9-10 NO Cover 9-11 FREE Draft Beer Tasting 9-11 FREE Pizza 9-11 $1.00 Drafts, Wells & Shots 11-2 $2.50 Wells, Beers & Shots
Happy Hour 7-9PM $2 Off All Smoke Sessions
FRI, 2/11
Don’t forget Valentine’s Day is Monday!
ABC Saturday+Square Pegz $2.50 Absolut $2.50 Barcardi & Bud Light $2.50 Captains & Coronas $2.50 Crown & Cuervo
Spartan Saturday $2.50 Wells $2.50 Pints $2.50 Bombs
Happy Hour 7-9PM $2 Off All Smoke Sessions
SAT, 2/12
SUNDAY RECESS PARTY SCHOOL’S OUT DJ JUAN, NO Cover $2.50 Pints, $6.75 60oz Pitchers 1/2 Off Pizza
Closed
Super Smoke Sunday All Hookah’s $9
SUN, 2/13
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Come celebrate Valentine’s Day at BWW!
$1.50 Pints $3.00 Pitchers FREE Hot Dogs
Closed
Buy 1 Smoke Session for $12, Receive Same Flavor Refill for Free!
MON, 2/14
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings MSU vs. Ohio State at 9 pm. Go Green! Go White!
Taco Tuesdays - FREE Tacos All-You-Can-Eat 7PM – 12AM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $5.00 Buckets of Coronas
Closed
Guess the Flavor Night First 2 Correct Guesses Receive FREE Smoke Session!
TUES, 2/15
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close FREE trivia starts tonight at 10 pm. Get your team together and join us!
Half Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine
Closed
Drink Night! Buy a Hookah and Get TWO FREE Drinks!
WED, 2/16
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close
Red Wings vs. Bruins at 12:30 pm & Pistons vs. Trailblazers at 6 pm.
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bartender
WEEK
of the
euvoy L n a d r o J alley’s PT O M
Nickname: Schmord Major: Sports Management Age: 24 Relationship Status: Single Do you have a Valentine this year? No Best Valentine’s memory: Last year I went to go see this movie called Valentine’s Day on Valentine’s Day... crazy, I know Best gift you have received on V-day: A lap dance Worst: Not getting laid and those hard, heart-shaped sugar candies that have the dumb sayings on them. Best gift given on V-day: Chocolates with flowers and then I made a heart shaped picture collage of our love. No homo. Perfect outfit for a girl to wear on V-day: I love when a girl wears those yoga pants... so so sexy. Have you ever been in love: Yes Turn on: When girls suck on my ears. Turn off: When inexperienced girls jack me off... it’s the worst. Song that sets the mood: A nice slow sexy jam. Would you rather have Jessica Alba or Natalie Portman as a Valentine? Jessica... so fine. Would you rather get flowers or candy: I would rather have a woman feed me the candy. If you could play cupid and be a matchmaker who would you match: My buddy Drew Plemmons and Katy Perry. Boxer or briefs: Boxerbriefs Randomest place you have ever made out: McDonald’s bathroom. Not the classiest, I know. Fave place to take a girl on a date: The best steakhouse in town Shout out: Listen to Amos Lee. Look him up, he’s great! Pickup line that you have used: Walk up to a girl and say “You ain’t ready for this” and walk away. It works every time because it leaves them intrigued and curious.
drink
shot
Jack and Coke + Jack Daniels + Coke
Battleship Beer Pong What You Need: A big ass table, 100 solo cups, ping pong balls, a case of beer, 6 Four Lokos (I recommend grape flavored), group of idiots Number of Players: Two teams of 3-5 players, depending on how drunk each person wants to get
Intoxication Level: Drunk enough to challenge the winning team to a round of Battleshits
How to Play: -Each team sets up 50 cups on either side of the table in a 5 x 10 square formation. -Strategically choose your “battleships.” Out of the 50 cups, designate four battleships: one with five cups, one with four, one with three, and one with two. -Fill up the battleships with Four Lokos (3 for each team) and the rest of the cups with beer. Amount poured in each cup should be a little less than you would use for beer pong. -Each team takes a turn trying to sink the other team’s battleships with the ping pong balls (hence the name, battleship beer pong). If a cup is made, you drink, and take away the cup. If part of a battleship is sunk, yell “hit,” and turn that cup over so the other team knows where to keep shooting. -Shit talking is also a main component of the game. If you’re not talking shit, you’re doing it wrong.
The Game Ends When: One team sinks all of the other team’s battleships, someone thinks they have actual motion sickness
Johnny Vegas + Jose Cuervo + Raspberry Pucker + Red Bull
for e p i Rec
Wet Pussy
+ Tequila Rose + Bailey’s + Whipped cream
:
ter s a s i D
Best of Both Worlds
Late night munchies often leave you in a quandary, sweet or savory? Hot or spicy? There’s a ton of food out there you want to eat, but only a finite amount of stomach space in which to do it. Fear no more, Best of Both Worlds takes care of all your tastebuds’ needs! What You Need: Toast, a chocolate bar, tortilla chips, hot sauce. Cook Time: Less than five minutes.
Fatty Factor: Low, you might throw it up anyway.
Let’s Get Baked: -Toast your bread. -While your bread is toasting, break the chocolate bar down into very small pieces. -When the toast is ready, immediately remove it from the toaster and place the chocolate on the bread. Allow it to melt. -Once the chocolate is melted, place the tortilla chips on top of the chocolate. -Douse the bread with hot sauce. Bathroom Aftermath: If you don’t yak, well, it’ll be like any other poop you’ve ever had, hooray!
Sexy Time
Sandwiches
Indian
Studying
Tail-Gate
Soups
Italian
Hangover
drinking games
dare you
TOP 10
www.theblacksheeponline.com
Top 10 Ways To Not Get Laid On Valentine’s Day I know it can be hard sometimes when you’re single on valentine’s day, but who says you still can’t have fun in other ways? Well, if you do any of these things below, I guarantee that fun will not be an option for you my friend…
10.
Feeling sorry for yourself. All this business about “Single’s Awareness Day” has GOT to stop people! Just because you’re single does not mean that getting some isn’t in the cards. If you go to the bars that night and spite all the cute couples, you’ll come off as bitter to all your prospects and can say goodbye to your dreams of sex in Rick’s bathroom.
9.
Watch Season 3 of Flavor of Love. This is a terrible way to gain inspiration in working your game. I mean, Flav really gets it in during the first two seasons, but by the third season he’s just a sad dried-up raisin with overused one-liners. Stick to Season 1 if you really want to get good instruction.
Why Valentine’s Day Presents No Winners Frank Sorise wrote this
Remember Valentine’s Day when you were younger? No matter if you were a boy or girl- this day rocked. You got to make a badass Valentine box and bought Valentines of your favorite Nickelodeon show to pass around to all of your equally unattractive classmates. And the best part was, you always won. You would get a ton of candy, have arts and crafts, and probably watch some sort of movie at school. That was that. Now as you’re older, Valentine’s Day takes on a whole new meaning and set of responsibilities, no matter where you are in a relationship. Let’s explore these situations.
Full-Blown Relationship: For guys this is just a miserable situation. While you could give a shit about this historically barren holiday, your significant other has been dreaming about it since the ball dropped in January. For girls, this is one of your favorite days of the year, (next to Victoria’s Secret semi-annual sale and August 26th, the anniversary of the date the US government decided it was okay for you to vote). However, don’t let this fool you because your expectations are always way too high. You expect your man to come riding in on a trusty steed and gallantly scoop you up and take you to the Fiji Islands. In all reality, he planned to take you to see Just Go With It and eat at Olive Garden. Oh yeah, and he’ll really, really wanna get laid after doing “all of that.” You guys will bang after his roommate falls asleep and it will be sooo romantic. Reminds me of The Notebook.
Kinda Talking: Guys and girls. This is just a big “what do I do, what do I do?” situation. Like, what is he/she doing? Should I do the same? Is this too much money? Should I ask her out? Is he going to ask me out? Am I still getting laid? Will she think about it too much? Will you think too much about it? Dammit. Am I in love? Yeah, it’s just a big hesitation that normally ends with someone over-thinking the situation and someone not doing enough. Normally resulting in the end of that little crush that was oh-so-cute a week ago. Still no winners.
Single People: Now for girls this is just an instant loss. It’s 56-0 at half time. You were never in the game and you’re not getting back in it. You’re MSU in the Capitol One Bowl (too soon?). You dread this day. You cry about it all week to your best friend and once the day finally comes, you still bitch. Eventually you decide it would be wise to drink heavily with all your SINGLE LADIES! Yay! Fuck guys! No. Bottom line is, at the end of the night, you’re going to text that guy from your stats class who isn’t very cute. He’s going to come over and you’re going to cry by the end of the night. Guys. You’re that sub par stats guy. Sure, you got laid, but you’re witnessing exactly how she feels about the hook-up and about you. Yikes. So, from me to you, Happy Valentine’s Day to all! Be safe and don’t get your hopes up.
theblacksheeponline.com online issues. bar grid. party pics.
8. 7.
Stop shaving. Interpret this as you wish, but I promise you it’s not a good idea. Go bare or go home.
Live life like a Taylor Swift album. Sitting around and waiting for your man on a white horse to come knock on your door… Oh please. If you follow the typical Taylor Swift mantra, you’ll get nowhere in your sex life.
6.
Start the day with tequila. For those of you who rely on alcohol to meet girls/ guys, I beg you to stay clear of that method on Valentine’s Day. While it may seem like a good idea at 10AM when you set out to pick up the ladies, ending up with vomit on your shirt at 3PM does not promise to lead to a very interesting evening.
5.
Talk too much. Okay so you’ve got to do some sort of talking to reel ‘em in, but after that try and stay low key or you might let something slip like the fact that you have the clap or something about your weird Soviet Russian porn addiction. Loose lips sink ships, and are bad for giving head.
4.
3. 2.
Eat Chipotle. Do you really want to intoxicate and knock out all guys/ girls who are DTF before the actual deed? Unless gaseous roofies are your thing, I guess…. Try meth for the first time. Hmm, bad news. Worst of all, meth makes you ugly. No one wants to hook up with ugly meth chicks/dudes.
Try meth again by accident. You idiot, what did I say about it the first time? You’re looking to slide down a slippery, needley, creepy slope, man. Haven’t you seen that scary bus add with the bloody sink?
1.
Be Yourself. Well, you’re currently not getting laid, right? Why do you think that is?
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the movie page
Based on the Trailer
Black Sheep Reviews: Seinfeld: a XXX Parody The Roommate
Out Now
Starring: Leighton Meester, Minka Kelly, Cam Gigandet
What You Need to Know: There’s a bunch of colleges with a bunch of people who could be your roommate. And there’s a chance that the person is a huge emotionally unstable crazy bitch, so watch your drinks y’all. What We Think: Leighton Meester is a cutie, so we’re already hooked. This movie has an interesting premise that could play out in a totally unoriginal way. Like, “Ooh, the girl with all the money never had love as a child so she clings to people and then becomes a huge obsessive creep.” Been there, done that, yawn.
Just Go With It
Feb. 11th
Starring: Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Brooklyn Decker What You Need to Know: It's the same as so many movies in the world, we can't even describe it, but we'll try. Sandler lies to a very hot girl, to convince her he isn't lying, he makes up a crazy tale involving Jennifer Aniston. What We Think: Is this really plausible? Does Adam Sandler (who is pushing 50, we're guessing) really have a shot at a girl like Brooklyn Decker? No way in hell, not even in his Billy Madison days could he pull this kind of tail.
Frankie and Alice
Feb. 11th
Starring: Halle Berry, Stellan Skarsgard, Phylicia Rashad, Chandra Wilson What You Need to Know:This true story is about Frankie Murdoch (Halle Barry), a fun-loving lady who likes to dance because it’s the 70s in Los Angeles who wouldn’t want to dance? But alas she is crazy, she blacks out, she doesn’t remember things, she goes to a hospital. Hmm, sounds vaguely familiar yet much less cool. What We Think: This psychological drama looks damn good, as does Halle Berry rocking an afro. But with Berry playing a woman who suffers between being a seven-year-old child and a Southern white racist woman, we think this film will definitely keep our attention.
When Valentine’s Day rolls around my mind naturally drifts to porn and comedy staples that never make me feel alone, oh so alone. Since I own zero hard copies of porn or Seinfeld (I DON’T, I’m a streamer and a dreamer my friends), a quick walk down internet alley led me to this little gem: Seinfeld: An XXX Parody. I watched it with my roommate, which is totally not gay because we fast forwarded through all the terrible dialogue and re-enacted the sex scenes – you know, just to really get a feel for the content. I’ve seen every episode of Seinfeld, which I think only made things even more uncomfortable. (On the message board for the site there is a comment that reads “I’ve never seen the actual comedy, but this looks great!” – which made me think, “Seriously? What kind of porn cave must this man live in? Is he like Patrick Star, only lifting up his jackin’ rock to eat, drink, and siphon the jizz before it suffocates him?”) Unlike this man, I knew every joke and how poorly it was delivered, and every scene they were trying to re-enact. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to be overly critical, knocking a porn actor’s ability to act is like knocking normal people’s ability to fuck. In other words, when old Gerry goes off about pornography in his monologue: “What’s the deal with pornography,” he says in a flighty voice “I mean, if -ography means to study, shouldn’t it be called dick-ography? Sorry Mary Sue, I can’t go
on DVD
out with you tonight, I’ve got some dick-ography homework” (which I might have laughed at) – what he lacks in acting he makes up for in the ensuing 30-minute romp with Elaina on his couch. The overall movie is loosely based off the Soup Nazi episode, except in pornucopia he is the Porn Nazi. When Elaina can’t really decide what porn she wants he gives the old “No porn for you!” and Elaina is dismayed to say the least. Don’t worry though, because she and the Porn Nazi’s Asian assistant “get back at him” by having sweet lesbian sex in the back room. In the meantime, Crammer is sick of all his porn “I just can’t jerk-off, Gerry!” and decides to make a porn of his own! Classic Crammer! This is basically a genius move by director Lee Roy Myers to deviate from the painstaking process of keeping to a parody and make a side plot that is pretty much just porn. So Crammer gets Sasha Grey and some other chicks to bone in a back yard, they involve him, and he is all weird Crammer like. The next scene is back in Gerry’s apartment, where Crammer has enlisted Gorge to make a sex scene with his fiancée Suzanne. Old Gerry walks in, and seeing that Crammer has transformed his apartment into a porn set, and that Gorge is going to be in it says, “And that’s my cue to leave!” The next person through the door, however, is Buck (who isn’t really a parody of anyone, not
Cannes Film Festival 2010
even Puddy. Let’s go Lee Roy, get it together), a beastly man who is going to have sex with Suzanne and enrages Gorge to drop his notorious line “Serenity now!” Crammer gives his porn tape to Noman, who in turn sells it to the Porn Nazi. And then something happens that leads Noman to have sex with Regina (read like vagina, ie. Mulva) in the back room of the porn shop. Gerry refers to Regina as Orgazma-girl because she is always having orgasms, which rubs Gerry the wrong way. Classic Gerry! Somehow everyone ends up in the Porn Nazi’s shop, and Gorge sees his tape being played on the TV. Gerry shakes his fist at Noman, and Gorge yells at Crammer because now Suzanne wants to be with Buck. Cut scene to Gerry on stage again, saying he is a big tit guy as an unnamed large breasted woman comes on stage and has sex with him. Classic unnamed large breasted woman! This was the first porn parody I’ve seen, and I was a little disappointed. I mean, I know I shouldn’t expect much, but there was like 20 minutes of parody and 50 minutes of hardcore, unforgiving penetration – in which the actors totally broke out of character. But it’s probably worth watching in the same way it’s necessary to drink rotten milk, just to experience the taste and know you need to stay far, far away from it.
answers are a few pages from here
February 8th You Again Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 Red The Social Network
February 15th Waiting for “Superman” Unstoppable Summer Wars Dr. Who: A Christmas Carol
The film “Biutiful” was directed by Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, who also directed which 2003 film whose title depicts how much weight you lose the moment of death?
The film “Blue Valentine” had large success both at the Cannes Festival and in the mainstream. Which Brooklyn band scored the entire film?
Which Ridley Scott directed film was the first to play at the 2010 Cannes Film Festival?
A remake of the 1987 film of nearly the same name, this mainstream blockbuster also premiered at the festival.
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The Black Sheep Interviews: Ben & Vesper We sat down with Ben Stamper of lovey-dovey band duo Ben & Vesper to talk insults, accordions and being married to your bandmate. They have a new album, Honors, out right now. You should buy it. The Black Sheep: So you and Vesper are married. Did it has a band sound. It was recorded quickly to contain that you meet and start a band, or start a band and get live feeling. It really defines a moment in time, which we’re hitched? excited about. It’s pretty sonically diverse; there are lots of Ben Stamper: We were working on our own projects, different things going on in each song. It’s a sonic journey. playing the same festival. By chance we were sharing the TBS: You worked with Sufjan Stevens on Honors, how’d bill at a concert. We met through music. We started working that happen? What’s it like? together when we got married. Ben: We’ve known him for a while and over the years we’ve TBS: How does the creative process work with maintained a pretty collaborative relationship with him. He’s marriage? Like, you can break up a band easily…you played on most of our albums. We work with him in a very can’t really say, “See ya later, wife!” friendly, congenial way, which is always a Ben: It’s about finding a rhythm that works nice break on a record. We met him many, for a music relationship and a personal many years ago when we used to run a There are more than relationship. We have a process that respects house concert series out of our home. We both sides of it. For Ben & Vesper I do all of 26 million porn sites invited him to play, and our friendship grew the initial writing, but Vesper has her own out of that. parts and a lot of say in the final product. We TBS: You guys have some weird both went to art school, so we’re used to instruments, including an accordion, how criticism, because that’s what art school is do you guys accumulate all that stuff? about. Ben: The accordion, I don’t know, it’s TBS: Speaking of criticism, how do you something Vesper’s always been interested deal with it in the media? in playing. The accordion is great because Ben: I actually like criticism, even if it’s DID YOU KNOW it’s so portable and has a unique sound. negative, assuming that it’s obvious that the TBS: What’s the weirdest instrument you reviewer really thought it out. I play for an audience, so it guys have worked with? would be foolish to discount a well thought-out voice. Ben: I’d say an old piano I dismantled. I took the sound TBS: Let’s talk about your new album, Honors, what board out and tuned it to a really unique tune. can a listener expect to hear on it? TBS: At what point did you decide that was a good Ben: It’s our second full-length album. It’s a new experience idea? for me because it’s composed of newer material as well as Ben: (Laughs) I think that…whatever arrangement we’re some old material. I’m not used to working with old material playing with has to serve the material in the end. You may because it feels dated to me. It’s based around a live band, have the idea to use this random instrument- this thing no
?
music
one has ever used before- but there’s no point if it doesn’t serve the sound of the song. TBS: What’s the best insult anyone’s ever used against you? Ben: In a music review someone was reviewing our first EP and they said we sounded like “two Disney-fied hyenas as they corner a zebra.” TBS: So were you like, “fuck this guy!” or was it a slowclap, “you got me” moment? Ben: We were very impressed with the imagery, and I’ve even considered using it in a song. The reviewer worked at crafting a way to describe his impressions of the record. We put it up on the website. I’d much rather have an insult like that than someone taking a passive glance at our work.
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Accordion is the smallest instrument of the organ family
Brendan wrote this
Out Now
Track-By-Track Analysis: Kanye West My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
This week, Kanye West is on pace to sell the 1,000,000th copy of his latest album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. A couple months ago, Pitchfork Media gave that same album an unprecedented and rare 10.0 out of 10.0 rating. Huh. The same guy with multiple drunk, danceable tracks; who grunts a lot; who talks a lot of shit; who is super duper confident and pretty awesome; who has tons of mainstream success… we’re curious as to what the hipsterist of hipster music saw in him. Here is our track-by-track analysis of the album.
Dark Fantasy: The opening track starts with an accented Nicki Minaj, transitions into gospel singing and ends up with some catchy, slow-ass rhymes. Okay Kanye, we’re hooked. We could bump and grind to this, while taking awkward pauses to look around at other people. Gorgeous: Raekwon and Kid Cudi show up early, Rae with a good, hard verse, while Cudi leaves something to be desired. When I listen to rap music I want to hear something foul-mouthed and fast-paced. I understand because… Power: ...the next track evokes images of Jessie Eisenberg running around, flipping off the proverbial “man.” And now the damn song is everywhere, during the Super Bowl it was on at least 1 trailer, as well as those “The
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others
Yanni – Truth of Touch Now That’s What I Call Music! Vol. 37 And You Will Know Us... – Tao of the Dead
Chicago Code” promos they showed every 16 seconds. This does not make the song less delightful. All Of The Lights: Blinding (see what we did there?) in its above-averageness. It’s not great, but it’s a pretty good tribute to the late King of Pop. Wait, did the CEO of Pepsi die or something? Monster: One of the best songs on the album, and the track that put Nicki Minaj on the map for white people everywhere. Her bizarre accent and random screaming in this song make contextual sense, as does collaborating with hipster deity Bon Iver, though he’s barely noticeable on this track. Good name-drop though. So Appalled: Obviously anything that Jay-Z touches turns to platinum, and this track is no different. The dark melody and catchy backbeat resonate throughout the six minutes. It’s super-catchy, and the bros love it, even when it’s just RZA screaming ridiculous rhymes; “five-start dishes/different exotic fishes.” Sure, why not? Devil In A New Dress: The 2010-2011 evolution of Kanye’s first hit single, “Slow Jamz.” Sub out mediocre rapper Twista for mediocre rapper Rick Ross, sub out the Michael Jackson diss for a few passes at rapper-turnedpreacher Ma$e and keep Jamie Foxx away from the whole ordeal and it’s a Motorhead – The World Is Your Kurt Elling – The Gate Cut Copy – Zonoscope
Jessica Sommers wrote this
straight repeat, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Runaway: “24/7, 365 pussy stays on my mind…” Clipse’s Pusha-T absolutely murders his verse on “Runaway,” and it barely can keep up with the rest of the song. West has never had a problem with honesty, and his selfloathing is in full bloom here. This song is just about perfect. Hell Of A Life: Distorted, pulsating guitar? Porn stars? We sure this isn’t Marilyn Manson? Not a great song by any stretch, but filler on this album would be a lead track on pretty much anything else. Hard to fault West for putting out an above-average banger, did people get pissed when Jordan only dropped 30? Blame Game: For years we’ve been saying Kanye’s hubris is only a front for massive insecurity issues, and if that’s not obvious to anyone by now they deserve to get hit by a truck. This song, along with “Runaway,” prove it. A pretty song heavy on the self-loathing, confusion and sadness. Lost In The World: More heartbreak from Mr. Yeezy, but…umm…a little more energetic. The beat is sick, the lyrics are tight and meaningful, and it stays in the same vein as the rest of the album. Plus, Bon Iver again. Who Will Survive In America: Who gives a shit, really? Poetry? Oh noetry! Thin Lizzy – Jailbreak: Deluxe Edition Hawk Nelson – Crazy Love/The Light Sides Thompson Square - Thompson Square
Valentine's Day Cards...Cut 'Em Out!
onha B a n Hele arter C
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