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theblacksheeponline.com Week of January 19th, 2011 Volume 4 Issue 02

Inside 05 Campus Entertainment Winter’s the most wonderful time of the year to see stupid stuff

07 Encyclopedia Green

WHO STOLE ALL THE DAMN CEREAL FROM THE DAMN CAFETERIA?

11 On Lube

Why all the horrible names? Ours are much better

A Naughty Girl’s Guide to Bagging a Professor

Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this

t some point or another, we’ve all had some sort of wet dream involving student-teacher sex, even all the way back to high school (… and middle school) when it was considered creepy and statutory. There is just something about getting pounded by a middle-aged divorcee with a blinding bald spot that tickles my Daddy Complex just right. With that being said, here is a sort of “how-to”guide for seducing your professor(s); and before you know it, you’ll have a PhD in peen. First things first, start peacocking by busting out the water bra. Some may say that it brings false hope-- a teaser, if you will. However, for women, this is the greatest invention ever created by man. Once you pop one of these bad boys on, your chesticles will magically transform from a so-so B cup to a full, juicy, give-them-a-hefty-squeeze D cup. (Take it from someone who has mastered the art of deception; it does wonders). Next, you have to kiss some major ass (metaphorically and literally). By sitting in the front row, you will not only grab his attention, but you can also pull a Sharon Stone and play peek-a-boo when you flash a little lace panty (or lack thereof). These next steps are necessary, but will probably make you the tool in class that everyone hates. Unfortunately, you must be the loudest to laugh at his tacky jokes and feign some actual interest in his PowerPoint about Croatian history of yarn making by asking a lot of questions.

Another suggestion: wear glasses. Normal college guys may not make passes at girls with glasses, but some beardy, past their prime (but not quite at the raisin ranch) professor with poor eyesight of their own, definitely do. Glasses also exude an air of intelligence that you certainly do not have. Now, we must not forget the most pivotal move of all: the arm touch. When this move is executed correctly, it will make any grown man cream his manties. Hence, you are probably better off pulling this maneuver during his office hours because things may heat up quickly. Add a flirty giggle and a bat of the eyelashes and you’ll be sure to get your point across. In order to seal the deal, make sure you smell your best because you can’t be reeking up the place like a waterlogged Nick Nolte. I hear JCPenney is having a sale on Jennifer Aniston’s perfume, Lolavie. In which case, you’ll be able to wear your desperation on your wrist like never before. After all this advice, the one thing that I absolutely advise against (especially in any situation where you are looking to get filled) is wink. It’s creepy, clichéd, and makes you look like a pedophile on the prowl. With these mastered seduction techniques, your moist fantasy of your economics professor’s khaki corduroys rubbing against your inner thighs will be underway in no time. And who knows, maybe you can teach your professor a thing or two for once!

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a big list of awesome stuff

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PIC WEEK of the

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Chart of the week!

Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens! Poopera Definition: The act of singing while dropping a deuce. Sentence: “Samantha always denies taking a dump, but when she’s singing in the bathroom you know she’s having herself a poopera.” Crassy: Definition: Wearing clothes one deems stylish, but are, in fact, very stupid. Sentence: “Angelo’s so crassy he basically owns the entire Armani Exchange wardrobe.” (Send us a sentence at vocab@theblacksheeponline.com using one of the vocab words and the best one will win a prize!

Send us a sentence using one of the words above, and the best one wins a prize! vocab@theblacksheeponline.com

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Jobs That Surround You With Hot Chicks Ziev Beresh wrote this We’re all aware of the atrocious job market that exists after college. Countless members of our recently graduated kinsfolk either find themselves jobless, working dead-end positions in retail, or whoring themselves out on Craigslist. Luckily, many of us still have time before we graduate and begin our real careers to take meaningless jobs and not make too much of them. Jobs that would look like zits on the otherwise clean faces of our resume, should we actually be foolish enough to add them (ok, so Raccoon Pelter shouldn’t be put under “Past Experience,” lesson learned). Since we don’t have to discriminate regarding what jobs we take, and since all these “you don’t even need a high school diploma” jobs are likely to suck, you might as well take a job that surrounds you with hot girls, right? RIGHT! So without further ado, here are the top jobs that let you live the dream of working a shitty, dead end, low-paying position with plenty of hot chicks by your side. Personal Trainer: This one allows some touchy feely contact and puts you in a position of authority, win-win! Since you probably don’t Over 60% of qualify to be a college students personal trainer and the gym report that won’t hire you, their parents you can easily put up a couwant them to be ple flyers with employed. minimal effort

DID YOU KNOW

that say something to the equivalent of, “I’LL MAKE U SLIMZ!” with a really good picture of yourself and (hopefully) the calls will start rolling in. Pickup line to use: “Hold on sweetheart, let me help you with that.” (As you see her putting away a 2-pound weight.) Hair Stylist: Admittedly, not the most masculine position to take. And yeah, most of your co-workers and custumers will probably think you don’t swing toward toward the ladies locker room, if you know what I mean. And yeah, you have to touch other people’s hair all day. BUT most of the co-workers and customers will be female! And they’re all too focused on cutting hair to notice your dropped jaw and constant staring. Pickup line to use: “Not a split end in sight! Be right back, I need to call my mom to tell her I found the one!’” “Photographer”: “Hey, I’m a photographer and I would really like to take your picture!” “Really? Coooooooool!!!” If Oprah proves anything, it’s that chicks love being the center of attention (and everyone loves free shit). Getting their picture taken is a very flattering way to be in this focal position…or that position…or that one. The lens legitimizes your ogling at them, and if you call yourself a “fashion” photographer, taking their picture legitimizes their very existence. Pickup line to use: “Ok, now pretend you’re a sexy cheetah!” Bartender: Between every girl and her drink lies a bartender. Then hopefully, “drink” is substituted for “sheets.” As a bartender,

you are in a position of power, the power to decide who drinks and when, and if the manager isn’t looking, how much is drank! You might as well take that bottle of Crown Royal, and wear it…as a crown. Pickup line to use: “Girl, you’re Absolut-ly beautiful.” Honorable Mentions Hooters Dish-boy Forever 21 Employee Strip club bartender Strip club DJ Bouncer at a strip club Pimp

Fromwww.theblacksheeponline.com The Streets

“How are your new classes going so far?”

How to Stay Entertained on Campus

“Enjoy classes? How is George W. Bush enjoying sobriety?! It fucking blows. “ Dylan C., Senior

Lauryn Schroeder wrote this With all the mind-numbing crap in college that paralyzes our brains, it’s hard not to have a mental breakdown or go postal on your professor every now and then. And when you’re hauling your lazy butt to class at 8 a.m., or on your way to the library to pull yet another all-nighter, it’s assumed that you’re going to be hating your life. As a junior, I’ve figured out it’s the small, hilarious things that keep us sane. Here are a few easyto-find ones around East Lansing.

aimlessly walk in circles isn’t funny enough, you can always point them in the opposite direction, then rip the map right out of their baby-like hands. In the long run, you’re doing them a favor and you can spend the rest of your day basking in your random act of dickishness.

Non-Fatal Collisions Cars hitting cars, bikes hitting cars, people getting hit by bikes or cars… it doesn’t matter what kind it is because they’re all awesome! It’s just like in high school when people used to crowd around a fight with hopes of seeing someone get pummeled. If you’re worried about seeming insensitive or looking like a total jerk, you can pretend to be concerned for the victim’s well-being. But, you know the first thing you’ll say when you get to class is, “Dude!! I just saw some girl get WRECKED by a biker on my way here! It made my day!”

“”

Sidewalk Vomit When you see that beautiful pile of upchuck scattered across the sidewalk, your first reaction will probably be to recoil in disgust. The best thing to do is laugh. If you think about it, it’s incredibly uplifting to know there’s at someone out there partying hard enough for the both of you. Not to mention it’s extremely entertaining to wonder what the hell that person was doing at South Kedzie, hammered to the point of physical illness.

“At the age of 18 your maturity level drops 10 points and you find yourself giggling at the words “boobs” and “erection.”

Walks of Shame We see you trying to hide your makeup-smeared face and it’s hard not to notice the bright red thong hanging out of your left pocket. Next time you attempt to scamper into your house avoiding any eye contact with the 15 students passing you on their way to class, please don’t. Turn your walk of shame into a walk of pride, and provide the rest of us with a little bit of amusement. Everyone has been there once or twice, and we will take joy in the fact that it’s not us walking home in heels at 9:30 in the morning. Stupid Freshmen with Maps I really don’t get why freshmen still think it’s acceptable to walk around campus with a map held out in front of them, but I sure do like when they stop to ask for directions. If seeing them

“I’m bound to get a 4.0 in Jagernomics!” Anna A., Sophomore

People Falling With the winter season comes cold weather, frosty white snow, and people eating shit on campus. Picture a small student running towards the bus that has already started to slowly roll away. He suddenly catches a bit of black ice, flips over backwards, and the contents of his backpack are sent flying through the air. Now if you don’t get a good laugh from someone biting the pavement like that, then you really gotta get back on those happy pills...or get laid. Snow Dicks I’ve learned that in college, it is no longer thrilling enough to build your average Joe snowman. And for some reason, when you reach the age of 18, your maturity level drops 10 points and you find yourself giggling at the words, “boob” or “erection.” Inevitably, as soon as that first flake of snow hits the ground, students everywhere begin to plan their next...big… snow-dick. They never get old.

“I don’t go to classes...” Nathan T., Senior

S E R U T C I P k e e w E H T OF

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SHOUT OUTS! Shoutout: Hey Fink, sorry for making you troll with dirtstache and then sending the next bp game into double overtime. Sincerely McHoneyCombs Lee, you’re right, you’ve Brett Favred enough on this one, and I can’t wait to party with my favorite (and SINGLE) brother this semester! Love, your sister Laura Jackie and Steph, thanks a million times for the futon, I’ll be a on it a lot more during my last semester. Love, your Momma and Aunt Dear fatass bouncers, next time you think about going on a power trip, remember that you have plumbers butt and your ass is hanging out. Sick Cat, saw the boy you ditched us for finally had the baby with the girl he ditched you for. -your new best friends in 802 Guy at Dublin, thx for the beer shower... next time, aim for my mouth! Love, Jess To the guys in Building 1, stop making our hallway smell like curry. It’s gross. -The girls at 114 J, your internet rendezvous crack me up. Only you... xoxo, Bailey Amanda, did you pee in my room? -Megan SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

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Encyclopedia Green Volume IV bailey walsh wrote this

The city of East Lansing should finally be back to its normal hustle and bustle as MSU students start their second week of classes, but controversy arose as soon as school was back in session. Cafeterias suddenly missing numerous boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch caused students from all over campus to become outraged and hungry as fuck. However, the real pandemonium broke out when students from Brody, Akers, and Wilson dorms began burning any other boxes of cereal and throwing them out windows. One Brody resident, freshman Alex Knope said, “This is horseshit! This cafeteria is supposed to be the bomb and they don’t even have CTC. Of course I’m going to start setting stuff on fire.” As you can imagine, authorities didn’t know what to do with the thousands of students rioting. Cerealfest 2011 was the biggest riot since Cedarfest and police officers were not prepared with enough tear gas to handle the mass of students involved.

At the time of the incident, the city’s mayor was at a Bah Mitzvah, so Sparty had to call an impromptu town meeting. He prepared a PowerPoint slideshow to show students that the cafeterias were not to blame and we had a criminal on our hands. We needed Encyclopedia Green on the case. Just then, EG rolled up out of nowhere on a segway with the drumline playing behind him. The crowds were silent as he approached the podium. Green cleared his throat, took a long pause to look around the crowd, and with a strong confidence declared, “I got this.” An uproar of applause followed his speech and Encyclopedia Green left the stage. EG and Zeke then called for each of the cafeterias to be closed off from students in order to initiate a full-scale investigation of the case: The Case of the Serial Cereal Stealer. Encyclopedia Green asked that all the cafeteria employees gather in a circle in the dining room of Brody while Zeke and Green did their questioning. Green walked around the circle slowly, looked each person in the eye, but said nothing. Zeke then walked around the circle slowly, sniffed each person’s crotch, but also made no noise. Zeke and Green looked at one another with disappointment, knowing that none of these people were the culprits. As Green was about to dismiss them, there was a loud crash in the back kitchen. Everyone hurried over to watch as Green

busted through the metal doors. As soon as the doors swung open, there were loud gasps from all over the room and a few people even fainted. “My god, what is that?” asked an elderly employee in pure disgust. “Back away, people! This could be dangerous. She appears to be foaming at the mouth.” EG said as he covered one eye from her abhorrence. What laid there in front of them was something very disturbing indeed. The gremlin-like woman’s extremely obese, naked body was sitting in a giant tub filled with milk and Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. Her teeth were far and few and she had abnormally long, curly hair that dipped into the milk. She was cackling loudly and incessantly as she splashed around in the cereal. As repulsed as Green was, he knew that this monster had to be taken care of. He took out his trusty basketball and sent it flying in her direction, drilling her in the forehead and knocking her unconscious. Police officers later discovered that the troll woman was totally high off her ass and she spent the evening in jail. Nonetheless, everyone cheered for EG and carried him out of the caf on a throne as the city of EL was restored back to normal once again. Thanks EG!

The Bar Grid

January 2010

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

SPECIAL NIGHT

WED, 1/19 THURS, 1/20

FRI: 4-8PM: Nacho Bar $1.50 Wells & High Life Wednesday Daily Specials: $2 Coronas Monday 9pm-Close 8-Close: $3 All Drafts, $2.50 - Pints Daniels, Soco Limes, $2.50 –Jack Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close Kamikazes, LIVE DJ!6 $2.00 – Well Drinks

Happy Hour 4-7, Monday-Friday: $1 Off Pitchers, $0.50 Off Cocktails, $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts Lunch Specials 11:30 to 2, Monday-Friday $4.72 Burgers w/ chips and drink $5.47 Burgers w/ fries and drink

Two 4 Tuesdays $2 Wells, $2 Jack $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Long Island

$3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Calls $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Pitcher Night! $1.50 Off 60oz pitchers

$2 Captain Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Coronas, $3 Wells/Calls $4 Bombs/Shots (except Patron)

No Cover, Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Southwest Night! $2.75 Corona, Sierra Nevada, and Cuervo Gold Shots

Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ For More Information Contact Us: (517) 3512222 $3 Wells www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes 839863 for specials & updates. $4 UV Bombs

Happy Hour 4-7: $1 Off Pitchers, $0.50 Off Cocktails, $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts Lunch Specials 11:30 to 2, Monday-Friday $4.72 Burgers w/ chips and drink $5.47 Burgers w/ fries and drink

$3.75 Finlandia/Smirnoff Flavored Drinks, Captain and Bacardi Drinks, and Corona $5 Red Bull and Well Vodka $3.50 Grape Crush Shots

THURS: No Cover, Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ Thursday Friday Saturday $3 Wells 31 1 2 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4 UV Bombs 7

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 14 15 16 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 21 22 23 $2.50 – Call Drinks DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-Close DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Bash Drinks 3-8: Half off ALL Drinks Burger Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $1 Burgers, $1 Fries $3.50 – All Pints DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well8-Close: Drinks Ladie’s Night! DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats Sunday All Day $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lt., $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas Rolling $3.00 – Pints Rock Bottles, Call Drinks, $8.00 – SoCo Burger, Fries & Pintand Kamizakes Limes Every Day $3.50 $3.00 – Kamikaze ShotsLong Islands Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day

1.75 24oz Cans of Miller Lt., Coors Lt and Labatt 2.00 Wells 3.00 Rumple Minze

BURGERAMA: $1.50 Burgers (3-9) $3 High Life Pitchers, $2.50 Labatt Mugs After 9: $2 Domestic Bottles $2.75 Everything (except Patron)

FRI, 1/21

Half Off Happy Hour 4-8PM $2 Nacho Bar, Half-Off Drinks 8-Close: $3 All Drafts, Jack Daniels, Soco Limes, *Ladies Night~ Every Thursday! and Kamikazes

SAT, 1/22

$3.50 Captain Morgan $3.50 Flavored Vodkas $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikazes $3 Domestic Bottles and Drafts

Live Band and DJ $4 Smirnoff flavors $3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

$2.50 Pints of Labatt and Miller Lite all day!

$3.75 Captain/Jack Drinks $3 Miller Lite Mugs $3.50 SoCo Lime $3.75 Burger/Fries

SUN, 1/23

Closed

$3 Pints, Calls, and Bacardi Bombs $3 Bloody Mary’s and Mimosas $8 Burger, Fries, and a Pint

Canadian Night! $2.50 Bottles Labatt Blue & Blue Light; Molson Golden and Canadian

Happy Hour All Day! $3 Long Islands and Coronas $2.50 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks

MON, 1/24

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Gator Bite Shots

$2 Pints of ‘lites’ $2 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Miller Lynchburg Night! $2.50 Miller, Lite, and Genuine Draft Bottles $2.75 Jack Shots

$3 Mugs of Leine, Blue Moon, and Killians $4 Mugs of Bass, Newcastle, Guinness $4 Shots and Bombs (except Patron)

TUES, 1/25

$2 Bottles of Miller Lt, Coors Lt, and Rolling Rock $2 ALL CALL DRINKS $2 Soco Lime and Kamakazee Shots $3.50 Long Islands

$2 Pints of ‘lites’ $2 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Big Draft Beer Night! $2.75 Labatt Blue and Miller Lite $3.70 Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 Guiness

WED, 1/26

$1.75 24oz Cans of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Labbatt Blue $2 Wells $3 Rumpleminze

$3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Calls $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings

Pitcher Night! $1.50 Off 60oz pitchers

Two 4 Tuesdays $2 Wells, $2 Jack $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Long Island

$2 Captain Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Coronas, $3 Wells/Calls $4 Bombs/Shots (except Patron)

The Bar Grid Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Sunday - Friday: $1.00 off ALL tall Drafts, $3 Smirnoff® flavors, Crown Royal®, Captain Morgan®, Jack Daniel’s®, SoCo®, Jameson Irish Whiskey® & $2 Select Shots PLUS $3 select appetizers

HAPPY HOUR! Mon - Fri, 4-7 DOLLAR Drinks and Drafts

Spartan Saturday $2.50 Wells $2.50 Pints $2.50 Bombs

Super Smoke Sunday All Hookah’s $9

SPECIAL NIGHT

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Pistons vs. Celtics at 7:30pm. Get over hump day with our great specials. You Have to be Here!

Half Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

Closed

Drink Night! Buy a Hookah and Get TWO FREE Drinks!

WED, 1/19

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent boneless wings Red Wings vs. Blues at 8pm. Enjoy our late night specials!

Thirstygirl Thursday Ladies Night – NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers

Closed

Happy Hour 7-9PM $2 Off All Smoke Sessions

THURS, 1/20

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Pistons vs. Nets at 7pm Be sure to stay late night and try one of our $3 select appetizers!

TGIF $2.50 Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks $2.50 Stoli Drinks $2.50 Pints

Free For All Friday 9-10 NO Cover 9-11 FREE Draft Beer Tasting 9-11 FREE Pizza 9-11 $1.00 Drafts, Wells & Shots 11-2 $2.50 Wells, Beers & Shots

Happy Hour 7-9PM $2 Off All Smoke Sessions

FRI, 1/21

MSU vs. Purdue at 9 pm. Go State! Plus, NFL playoffs!

ABC Saturday+Square Pegz $2.50 Absolut $2.50 Barcardi & Bud Light $2.50 Captains & Coronas $2.50 Crown & Cuervo

Spartan Saturday $2.50 Wells $2.50 Pints $2.50 Bombs

Happy Hour 7-9PM $2 Off All Smoke Sessions

SAT, 1/22

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close We are your football headquarters! Catch all the NFL playoff action here!

SUNDAY RECESS PARTY SCHOOL’S OUT DJ JUAN, NO Cover $2.50 Pints, $6.75 60oz Pitchers 1/2 Off Pizza

Closed

Super Smoke Sunday All Hookah’s $9

SUN, 1/23

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Pistons vs. Orlando at 7pm Start your week right with BWW!

$1.50 Pints $3.00 Pitchers FREE Hot Dogs

Closed

Buy 1 Smoke Session for $12, Receive Same Flavor Refill for Free!

MON, 1/24

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings Take a break from studying and head into Buffalo Wild Wings!

Taco Tuesdays - FREE Tacos All-You-Can-Eat 7PM – 12AM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $5.00 Buckets of Coronas

Closed

Guess the Flavor Night First 2 Correct Guesses Receive FREE Smoke Session!

TUES, 1/25

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Pistons & Red Wings play at 7:30pm. Catch all the action on our Big Screen TVs!

Half Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

Closed

Drink Night! Buy a Hookah and Get TWO FREE Drinks!

WED, 1/26

www.theblacksheeponline.com

bartender

WEEK

of the

Nickname: Matty Age: 26 Major: Graduated, but was Political Science/Pre-law Relationship status: Single Boxers or briefs: Boxers. Favorite junk food: Nachos. If you could be any cartoon character, who would it be and why?:Lion-O, the Thundercat, because he had a sweet fucking sword. If you could speak any other language, what would it be?: Spanish. I never know if people are talking shit when they speak Spanish around me. Best feature: Eyes. Favorite hang out spot: All of the EL bars Excluding Spartans- favorite sports team?: Red Wings Favorite Candy: Twix. Favorite Swear Word: Fuck. Worst Habit: Not calling people back. Celebrity Fantasy: Katy Perry Craziest place you’ve hooked up?: Hood of a car in the middle of a parking lot near the freeway. If you could prank someone, what would you do? Move their car to make them think it was stolen. Do you kiss and tell? Nope! Last thing you Googled: Roulette numbers

drink

ck Matt Bla The Riv

shot

Ciroc & Water + Ciroq + Water + P. Diddy

clocks It’s 5 o’clock somewhere, right? Well this game is like happy hour, in that you happily consume alcohol. What You Need: A deck of cards, alcohol, friends Number of Players: Oh, two or more. Intoxication Level: Time will start to speed up, and you will get gradually louder.

How to Play: - With a full deck of cards, place 12 random cards face down in a circle like a clock, plus one in the middle. Deal out the rest of the cards evenly. - Each position of the clock is the corresponding time (the top card is twelve o’clock, the bottom is 6 o’clock, and the middle represents 13). - Begin by flipping the card at one o’clock. Any player with an ace (1) in hand can give the amount of drinks on the flipped over card to anyone playing, and anyone with the flipped over card can give out the amount of drinks of whatever time it is. - Example: At 8 o’clock a 7 is flipped. Anyone with an 8 can give out 7 drinks, and anyone with a 7 can give out 8 drinks. - When you give somebody drinks, you must give them the card you used, which they can use again after the turn. - Continue by flipping each consecutive card until you reach the middle card.

e Recip

Sampukea + Sambuca + Mustard

for

er t s a Dis

Bacon Dawgs!

Yup, you’re a dude. You scratch your balls in the morning and groan. You love meat, particularly bacon. You love…. dogs. And you are about to satisfy every bad stonercraving you’ve ever had into one stuffed cholesterol-infested, clear coating of processed deliciousness. What You’ll Need: Hot dogs, bacon, a deep sub bun / bread pocket, spicy chili, jalapenos, black olives, shredded cheese, sour cream, hot sauce, chives. Cook Time: 20 minutes Fatty Factor: Say goodbye to having a decent shit in the next three days. Let’s Get Baked: - Start by frying up the bacon. Make sure it doesn’t get too crispy. - Boil the hot dogs. - Warm up the chili on the stove-up or the microwave. If using a microwave, put a paper towel over the dish so you don’t fuck up the microwave your girlfriend worked so hard to clean. - Slice up the jalapenos, and get the toppings ready while you wait. - After the bacon and hot dogs are cooked, wrap a piece of bacon around the hot dog. Put the hot dog into the sub bun, and top with chili. Top with jalapenos, black olives, and shredded cheese. - Add a dollop of sour cream and a splash of hot sauce. Use chives for garnish, if desired.

Sexy Time

Sandwiches

Indian

Studying

Tail-Gate

Soups

Italian

drinking games

Rumplemintz + Straight up

Hangover

The Game Ends When: You’re so drunk you don’t even care that the bar closed hours ago.

dare you

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Misleading Names: Lube Edition Justin Gawel wrote this

Dear Lube Companies of America, To begin, your creation is fabulous. Not since Prometheus gave fire to mankind has our species been privy to such a useful entity. From the twelve-year-old masturbating for the first time to the fiftyseven-year-old Ron Jeremy lubing his tube for his fourth gangbang of the day, it’s clear that everyone loves what your invention can do for them. Lube, like bacon bits or handcuffs, can be added to any sexual situation to make it that much better. However, despite all of this praise to your product, there is one area where your merchandise consistently falls short. Of course, I’m talking about the misleading and

uninformed names you continually give to the different varieties and flavors of your product. Your marketing team has clearly linked sex with love, not unlike a Hollywood producer would with a regrettable Hugh Grant-Julia Roberts movie. With titles for lubes like, “Bliss,” “Obsession,” or “Climax,” the lubricant industry is assuming that everyone who is having sex is never disappointed with it and are exclusively having sex with people who they are deeply in love with. This, of course, is not the case. Limiting your clientele to couples who are in love and always orgasming is a more surefire route to bankruptcy than hiring money managers named MC Hammer and Mike Tyson. One needs to think about their customers when naming a product and designing the label. Can you imagine anything more humiliating for a guy than being laughed at by your booty call for having to use lube that comes in a pink bottle, that’s scented, and is named, “Passion” (Not, “Passion for Easy Girls,” just, “Passion”)? Now picture that same situation unfolding, but this time you pull out a jet-black container filled with lube that smells like cheap whiskey and instead is named, “Jackhammer.” The lube companies are the ones laughing now… all the way to the bank. Their new clients no longer have to feel emasculated when they want to slide right in. Scenario two, muthafuckah: you’re a young lady who gets a little too tipsy and inadvertently ends up bringing home and getting stuffed by some fugly guy (or a fatty, or a Nazi, or Willie the Can Man). The guy wakes up in the morning and sees a bottle of lube on

the nightstand titled “Desire.” Oh pineapple-poo, this guy now thinks you’re actually interested in seeing him again and possibly having a reprise of last night where he lasted forty seconds and looked like he was having random-onset Parkinson’s the entire time. If only you could buy lube named things like, “Pity,” “Mistakes,” or “Regret,” he would have no reason to think anything differently when you unsympathetically say, “Can you leave now, freak? And leave a few dollars on your way out for some Plan B!” Furthermore, the current marketing strategies of the lube industry continue to use titles like, “Just Like Me.” No, if it were just like you I wouldn’t need the lube in the first place. Also, when you name something related to sex- “Climax” for example, it implies a guarantee that I’m going to fill the lady’s hot pocket with some creamy goodness every time I use it, and Lord knows I’ve pulled my fair share of ‘Cosmo Kramers’ during my tenure in East Lansing. In the not-toodistant-future, you lube companies need to wake up and start marketing lubes designed for more realistic, distant, and criminal types of lovers. I can promise you these changes will have your customers satisfied, smiling, and cumming back for seconds. Thank you for your time and consideration. Get Wet, Justin Gawel

Why Women sleep with me Teddy Baum Cox wrote this

A new semester is here. Of course, this means a semester of entirely new possibilities that can easily be fulfilled with the right mindset. Now for the guys out there, many of these New Year’s resolutions revolve around women and the ability to sleep with them. By sleep with them, I mean drunken sex that is somewhat remembered the next day, but the costs of Plan B and condoms make it forever known. Now, many of you all are asking, “Teddy, Why should I listen to your advice?” Well, it’s simple: I bang bitches on the reg. Being the nice guy I am, I will tell you how and why these women of questionable morals spread their legs like a baby bird spreads its wings for the first time. I am interesting Stories, stories, and more stories. That is the key to bagging the women that I bag. Now, you’re probably thinking about all the lame-ass stories you have and wondering how these stories will help you get laid and this is where I go off the beaten path: lie. The girl you’re talking to has probably only known you for a day at most, and therefore,has little idea of who you actually are. Tell her some shit about your amazing experience studying abroad, even if you’ve never stepped foot outside Michigan. Choose somewhere that sounds exotic and cool, and always tell stories that make you sound badass.

I wear clothes that are better than yours If you’re the guy who wears super tight t-shirts that look like they came from Baby Gap- go ahead and stop reading right now because I don’t want you procreating. Furthermore, anyone who spends an enormous amount of money on pre-torn jeans and super slick hair gel, you can punch yourself in the nads. Your future children need to be smacked around if they’re ever going to have any sense. Honestly, the title of this section explains what you need to do; wear better clothes. Stop going to the bar looking like a douche and I won’t rip on you.

I am well endowed I am not here to brag. Actually, I am, but if you have a big package, then you need to use it to your advantage. Drop subtle hints about your Titanic wang. You can tell that hot girl in class that being an English major has affected your diction in a large way, or you can just buy her a foot long hotdog and stare at her nodding while she eats it,hoping she’ll pick up the connection. For those of you who don’t have foot long dongs: don’t be sad my small-peckered friends, you just weren’t the genetic winners this time. I’m a tad bit crazy Women love living on the edge and being kept on their toes. And what better way to get women on their toes than be a tad bit crazy? I’m not talking super crazy where you’re a

danger to yourself and society… I’m just talking about being a little crazy, where you’re only a bit off and therefore more interesting. Basically, you want girls to think that they are playing Russian Roulette with their vaginas. Get them to live on the edge with your cock right there with them. What? Is that not enough advice for you? Well, I can’t hold your hand every step of the way, as it would prevent me from having sex. Your girlfriend is calling me anyway.

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the movie page

Based on the Trailer

The Green Hornet dave saw this and gave it a...

Director:

Michel Gondry

The Dilemma

No Strings Attached Jan. 21st Starring: Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher, Cary Elwes What You Need to Know: Two attractive friends (Portman, Kutcher) make a decision to just bang all the time, you know, with no strings attached. But sure enough, one of them wants more than the other. Woe is me, ya know? What We Think: Natalie Portman sure is riding the “Black Swan” wave, but that’s okay with us. This movie looks pretty decent, especially whenever Mindy Kaling and Ludacris grace the screen. The plot is slightly obnoxious though; seriously, they are both hot and seemingly cool, why can’t they just love each other?

Rite

Starring:

Out Now

Starring: Vince Vaughn, Kevin James, Winona Ryder What You Need to Know: Two best friends (Vaughn and James) do best friend-y things with their perfect, cute girlfriends. James’ girl predictably cheats on him (sorry chubbies) and Vaughn catches that hoe in action. Ooh la la, wackiness ensues! What We Think: We think Kevin James looked severely Photoshopped in all of the ads for this film. Even besides judging a book by its cover, it looks pretty typical and overdone. “Couples Retreat” anyone? Okay, we didn’t see that, but over-35 couples just aren’t interesting or sexy.

Jan. 28th

Starring: Anthony Hopkins What You Need to Know: Apparently there’s a shitload of people needing exorcisms lately. Apparently the New York Times ran a piece saying that people are going crazy and blah blah blah. So a young man goes to Rome to relearn the ways of exorcisms by a creepy Anthony Hopkins. What We Think: Well, The Exorcist scared the shit out of us, mostly because of that nasty green pea soup stunt. This movie looks pretty scary though. I mean, Holy shit (see what I did there?), Anthony Hopkins is probably turning into the devil himself.

Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Cameron Diaz, Christoph Waltz

Synopsis:

The early “buzz” of this film was bad, and I agree, it kind of “stung”-k. Seth Rogen’s movies and characters are usually enjoyable because they contain enough realistic elements to keep the audience emotionally invested. Sure, he usually writes about and plays drunk, stoned losers, but he does it in a way that makes people want to see the losers overcome their problems and ultimately be a bit cooler. But in The Green Hornet Seth Rogen throws a curve ball by playing a rich, playboy superhero, probably the least loser-y type of person ever, yet he plays him the same way he would anyone else. This style of acting (although I may be giving Rogen more credit than he deserves for calling his acting a “style”) isn’t good in a movie like The Green Hornet, as we’re supposed to believe that real things and people are in danger and not like the characters just feel “like whatever” about everything. The film concerns Britt Reid (Rogen) using his recently deceased father’s inheritance to take on L.A.’s crime. With the help of sidekick/mechanic Kato (Jay Chou), Reid masquerades as a criminal to infiltrate crime leaders and bring them down. Since he’s one of those superheroes with no real powers,

on DVD

Green Films!

he uses cool gadgets and cars to overtake people who could normally kick his ass. And since he’s one of those superheroes who likes only one specific woman but can’t tell her who he is, there’s one of those too in the form of a barely-used Cameron Diaz. The film is directed by Michel Gondry, the amazingly creative man behind Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and The Science of Sleep, but besides using a few home-made looking gadgets, his direction is barely seen. Perhaps because the film was such a big budget deal, he wasn’t able to experiment with visuals so the film’s effects look like any other lousy 3D movie with explosions. It would also be easy to say that the highbudget, action-heavy scenes and pressure to make a profitable movie might have caused Rogen, Gondry, and crew to make a bad film since these tenants clash with the actor’s and director’s styles. Still, The Pineapple Express had just as much action as The Green Hornet has and- aside from being 30 minutes too long- is very funny and enjoyable. I think the problem with The Green Hornet is the film takes itself too seriously as a superhero film. Thus, the same clichés of any

superhero movie fill the screen much more than clever dialogue and plotting, and the film becomes just boring. There’s also the lack of chemistry between characters, specifically Rogen and sidekick Chou. You’d expect Rogen to be an expert at being a good buddy since he plays that role in every other film, but he just doesn’t seem as attached to Chou as he did with Sandler, Rudd, or Carell. Besides that problem, the film doesn’t even let Rogen bond with the woman Diaz plays, making his interest in her completely inconsequential to the film. And Christoph Waltz’ potential that was seen in his Oscar winning role in Inglorious Basterds isn’t used for awesomeness here. Still, the film isn’t completely a disaster as there are hints of when the writers (Rogen and partner Evan Goldberg) and director were actually trying to make a fun movie. The opening scene featuring a cameo with James Franco hits a high on the funny meter that the film unfortunately can never top, and the few touches of imaginative directing from Gondry push otherwise bad scenes into being pretty OK.

answers are a few pages from here

January 18th Takers Stone Justified: The Complete First Season

January 25th Glee: Season 2, Volume 1 Webster Season 1 Guys Gone Wild AND Girls Gone Wild

The film Soylent Green takes place in what year?

Michael Clarke Duncan played the large, black inmate John Coffey in The Green Mile. Before that, he once held a job as a stripper. What was his stage name?

The Iraqi war film The Green Zone was shot primarily in what two countries?

What highly-famous actress played Ruth in Fried Green Tomatoes?

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The Black Sheep Interviews: Rob Swire of Pendulum about touring; that it can pull you away from whatever you are doing in your normal life. I guess that can either be a good thing, you know, or it can be a bad thing if you’re trying to get an album together.

We got to sit down with lead singer Rob Swire of electronic rock band Pendulum. We chat about touring, tequila, and Mark Zucerkberg, but we were really only familiar with one of those things (take a wild guess!) The “A Thousand Suns” tour with Linkin Park starts on January 20th and they are hitting up the United Center in Chicago on January 26th.

TBS: So what do you like to do in your free time during your “normal” life? RS: Watch films, go out and run. It depends, we spend a lot of time doing music.

TBS: Your band’s sound is a blend between electronic music and rock music. Are the crowds at your shows more rockers or more ravers? Rob Swire: It’s a mix of both usually, depending on where we are playing at. The show is more of a punk show. You get people throwing each other around and breaking each others’ faces.

TBS: All time favorite movies? RS: Requiem for a Dream and Black Swan. Both by Darren Aronofsky. TBS: Awesome, those are both so good. What are your thoughts on Black Swan? RS: It was good. I think [Darren] can sum up, to some people, terrifying things in a way that not a lot of other directors can do. more than

? On a real There are pendulum, 26 million porn sites the big, TBS: Personally, who are some of your favorite bands? heavy part RS: There’s probably a lot of bands that people in the States wouldn’t know, but I’d say Queens of the is called a Stone Age and Led Zeppelin. "bob" TBS: You guys are playing in Chicago later this month with Linkin Park. What are you most looking forward to with the tour? RS: It’ll be interesting, we’ve never really been that small band that opens up for bands. But it’s definitely something different and hopefully we’ll be able to play for a lot of people we wouldn’t have otherwise been to able to play to.

DID YOU KNOW

TBS: Is there anything special that you do before you go on tour? RS: We just rehearse and get on the plane, basically. So we’re just rehearsing for the next couple of days and then we’re leaving. TBS: What’s your favorite thing about touring? RS: I think my favorite thing about touring is probably the worst thing

TBS: Who are some of the interesting people you’ve met since you’ve been with the band? RS: Probably the most interesting person I’ve met is Strom Thorgenson, who designed all of the Pink Floyd album covers. Just the things that he says and the insight he has into certain things, he’s got a funny way of looking at things. Definitely the most interesting.

Madonna Like A Virgin

2 Live Crew Me So Horny

Portishead Glory Box

Queens of the Stone Age Never Say Never

David Bowie China Girl

Prince Do Me, Baby

INXS Need You Tonight

Jodeci Freek N You

10 R. Kelly Sex Me 11 LL Cool J Doin’ It 12 Nine Inch Nails Get Down Make Love 13 George Michael I Want Your Sex 14 Eazy-E College Girls Are Eazy 15 DiVinyls I Touch Myself 16 Three Six Mafia Slob On My Knob 17 Marvin Gaye Sexual Healing 18 Lil Wayne Lollipop

The King is Dead

TBS: Do you hate Fosters beer just like everyone else? RS: No, we don’t really drink beer at all. TBS: So what’s your drink of choice? RS: Tequila. TBS: Well damn. Always a fun time with tequila. So the other night I got really drunk with my friends and ended up getting a piercing – RS: Oh, that’s not good. TBS: Well, it really is just fine. But what’s the funniest or the worst thing you’ve ever done when you’re all wasted? RS: The funniest thing, I’m not sure what that would be. But the worst thing I’ve ever done is I woke up one morning and had basically a quarter of my tooth chipped off. TBS: And you don’t remember it? RS: No, I have no idea. I went to the dentist the next morning, I had to get it fixed up right away.

A king might be dead, but these dudes are alive and kicking. I would love to use a single adjective to describe The Decemberists. Folky might work, but then there are extremes of upbeat pop. They have guitars and drums and also accordions and organs. They are from Portland, Oregon, but draw inspiration from communism, sometimes opening up shows with the Soviet national anthem. They proclaim their official drink as Orangina, and they say they met in a Turkish bath. Uhm, I think I’ll need some Adderall to process any of that. Juxtaposed ideals aside, The Decemberists music is and always has been formulated and performed well, without the hint of such randomness behind it. It seems like they’ve got it down pretty well, the whole performing and making music thing. They really understand their own personal genre and play it up perfectly, with each album becoming more and more refined. Their sixth studio album, The King is Dead is increasingly more mature and a bit more idyllic. Often times emotional, even their upbeat songs still have that hint of darkness thanks to Colin Meloy’s unique voice. It sounds more rustic, which is indubitably a direct correlation to the fact that they recorded most of the album in a barn on a farm near their hometown, probably while drinking Orangina and raving about how fantastic Karl Marx is. “Rox in the Box” is a fun rhythmic song and one of the catchiest on the album, sounding a lot like one of those Irish drinking songs or something. It’s their signature blend of upbeat folk without going over the top and without touching the border of terrible country music. Sure, there’s heavy banjo during the chorus, but

others

Gregg Allman – Low Country Blues Social Distortion – Hard Times... James Blunt – Some Kind of Trouble Tokio Hotel – Best of

TBS: So you’re from Australia, and it seems like a pretty tight place. Did you love living there and would you want to move back? RS: I don’t think I’d want to move back unless I was ready to retire.

The Decemberists

End the Dry Streak! Death From Above 1979 Sexy Results

TBS: Yeah, it seemed like all the reviews made him seem portrayed like a huge dick, but I thought in the film he was just doing what he had to do. RS: Yeah, I thought he was as much of a dick as I

thought before.

music

TBS: Did you see The Social Network? RS: Yeah. I thought that if Mark Zuckerberg is actually like anything he’s depicted in that movie then me and him are probably quite similar, which is weird. But a lot of people saw that film and ended up hating him, but that film made me like him a lot more.

jessica wrote this

TBS: I’m sure you’ve seen people getting whisked away to the hospital a bunch of times. RS: Yeah, and people tend to underestimate the amount of security personnel that are needed to get all of the broken kids out.

Out Now

that’s sort of the charm of it and totally fits in. “This is Why We Fight” is a more unique track on the album that I totally dig. The last 45 seconds are a bizarre, barely audible strumming of guitar and whispering of lyrics that sort of mumbles off, very Wilco-esque circa “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” and totally awesome, with the perfect segue into the last song of the album. “Down by the Water” is the first single off of the album and for good reason; it features Peter Buck of R.E.M (who is on two other tracks as well) and alternative-country singer Gillian Welch. Loaded with harmonicas and accordion, it’s strong vocals and catchy chorus exemplify the tone of the album well. Although not my favorite on the album, I see the radio-worthy potential. The Decemeberists are definitely a band worth checking out, and for long time fans of the group The King is Dead is not a disappointment. Although nothing has yet to beat my favorite song by them, “Los Angeles, I’m Yours,” because I thoroughly enjoy the lyrics “But oh, the smell of burnt cocaine / the dolor and decay / it only makes me cranky.” Ahh, listening to that song while enjoying some ginger ale and a pleasant conversation about Eastern European geography and I am in heaven. Sounds Like: 2 cups folk, 1/2 cup pop. Download: Down by the Water, Rox in the Box, This is Why We Fight Listen to it When: You’re hanging out in a hipster barn.

Pearl Jam – Live on Ten Legs Jayhawls – Hollywood Town Hall White Lies – Ritual Brandon Heath – Leaving Eden

The Decision Tree: Will You Get Laid Tonight?

( class time )

Movie Quiz

Dam Matt

Do you know how two of our favorite celebrities to dream about (not at the same time) are related? Figure it out, email us at 6degrees@theblacksheeponline.com, and the first 10 win a prize!

Answers

6 Degrees of separation:

1. 2022 2. Black Caesar 3. Spain and Morocco 4. Mary Louise Parker iel

ca B Jessi

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