MSU Issue 4.01, Jan 12, 2011 by The Black Sheep

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theblacksheeponline.com Week of January 12th, 2010 Volume 4 Issue 01

How to Survive the Spring Semester

05 Our 2011 Predictions

Things will happen! Stuff too!

07 USA! USA!

Which past presidents could have hung with the Spartans?

13 Chanel Preston

A pornstar gives us 15 minutes, but not a handjob : (

Ryan Jurado wrote this

oming into class this week, a majority of us, still high on New Year’s resolutions and dried gerbil urine, have put an extreme amount of effort into being the good students we always told our grandparents we were when hitting them up for money on major holidays. The first week is almost over and, true to our desires to be better students this semester, at least a quarter of us have forgotten what the big deal was, skipped class to sleep in, and only opened our textbooks to tear out rolling papers. The truth is, it’s harder to get a good start to classes when you’re afraid you may have to cut open your tauntaun for heat during your trip home. Tauntaun insurance isn’t going to cover that. Is the school going to reimburse you? Hell no. You’d better just stay home and watch MTV until the snow melts or, more likely, your brain does.

Many (read: all the humans) among us need a little help getting out to class when the snow starts blowing. It’s easy to forget what is on the line, which ranges anywhere from “your entire future” to “nothing, it’s philosophy.” But when I find myself in times of trouble, I remember these simple steps to keep my nose to the grindstone: Step 1: Literally keep your nose to a grindstone. Not all the time, just when waking up, considering study breaks, and smithing metals. Be sure to wear no protective gear. That shit will wake your ass up faster than coffee, and once you buy the grindstone it will

last forever. If you ever have additional problems with motivation, you may also consider lighting a fire under your ass.

Step 2: Hire a morning person you know to help you in the morning. And I don’t mean having somebody politely come and wake you up. I mean every morning have this guy throw you to the floor, drag you screaming outside to the porch. When he’s done he can grab your nice warm bed and throw it out there too. It will remain there until you return from class as to not tempt you with its comfortable goodness. Step 3: Give yourself extra time to prepare. When it’s cold outside, it’s hard to get yourself motivated to do anything. Give yourself extra time to do your morning essentials (wake up, eat breakfast, hide the bodies from last night in the dumpster behind Pinball Pete’s), so you can get to class on time. If that’s not enough, consider simply sleeping overnight in the classroom you need to be at in the morning. Besides, tile floors are probably pretty comfortable compared to a bed that has been in the snow all day. Step 4: Have a support network. If you do miss class to throw snowballs at the neighbor’s cat, make sure you know somebody in the class who can help. They can tell you what you missed, except they were probably sleeping, and maybe swipe your card, except they probably didn’t go to class, either. At the very least, you can each swear that you saw the other guy there, possibly confusing your TA long enough for the Flunitrazepam to set in. At that point, you can change the attendance record to pretty much anything you want.

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Hold up a second, what’s this? It’s a QR code, silly. Scan this baby with a smartphone and you’ll be whisked away to a magical world of a picture we found on the internet. Send us a caption for the pic, and we’ll give the person who wrote the best one a prize. It’s not a dirty hobo alley handjob this time, we promise. Send it to QR@theblacksheeponline.com

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PIC WEEK of the

V O C A L

Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens!

P O I N T S

Hairitage: Definition: Foregoing pube grooming to better get in touch with one’s ancestors. Sentence: “Ben, the reason I haven’t shaved my pussy in two months is because I’m trying to better know my ancestors by learning about my hairitage.” Pierate: Definition: A roommate or friend that will eat your delicious baked goods without even asking. Sentence: “Alright, which one of you pierate assholes ate my cherry strudel?” (Send us a sentence at vocab@theblacksheeponline.com using one of the vocab words and the best one will win a prize!

Send us a sentence using one of the words above, and the best one wins a prize! vocab@theblacksheeponline.com

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Obama’s 2011 Wish List Alex Everard wrote this 2010 wasn’t Barack Obama’s year. Well, that may be a bit of hyperbole, but let’s just say it was no 2008. An oil spill, sluggish economic recovery, and disillusioned rednecks questioning his citizenship all made 2010 a bit of a downer for Mr. Obama. But 2011 is a new year, and I’ve procured a copy of the Prez’s 2011 wish list. To: Cabinet From: Barackafella@whitehouse.gov Subject: 2011 I’m going to be frank with all of you in this email, so listen up. I haven’t smoked a cigarette in six freaking months and I’m about to say some real shit. Here are my wishes for the New Year, and don’t think just because I called them “wishes” that I don’t expect them to come true.

DID YOU KNOW

Obama was known as “O’Bomber” in high school for his basketball skills

1) Grounds crew, this first request is aimed at you. I want to strip down that dumbass bowling alley that Truman put in and turn the lane into a Slip N Slide. Sasha wants one for her birthday, but I refuse to put that damn thing in the backyard and ruin the lawn. If Biden refuses to leave, tell him that Pelosi is about to throw away his piece of chewed gum that looks like Heath Ledger.

2) Remember when Bush Jr. changed “French Fries” to “Freedom Fries”? I was thinking along those lines, except my idea was to just eliminate the word “tea” from being used in American speech or writing. Additionally, the words “contradictory, ignorant, and poop” will all be appropriate substitutes for “tea.” It’s genius, really. What kind of sap is going to support the “Poop Party”?! LOLZ. 3) No more Jersey Shore. I’ve already hired several secret assassins to take care of all of the cast members. I heard it from Malia’s room last night and THAT is exactly what is wrong with America. “Mr. President, why are our schools falling behind?” Oh, I don’t know, maybe because our children are learning how to take body shots, break tables, embarrass their mothers, and get an STD all simultaneously, you dumb fucks.

4) I’ve been saving several million dollars of stimulus money for a rainy day and I think I found the perfect way to boost American morale and give back to the average citizen. “Are You Smarter than Sarah Palin?” Literally EVERYONE would win. Just tell her every question is hypothetical.

5) Legalize marijuana. I already know my PR people are going to say me backing this cause before we’re out of Afghanistan and before we’ve closed Guantanamo is bad for my image, but hear me out. Let’s be honest: America needs money. If we tax the hell out of pot we could pay back China in like… 3 years or something. Furthermore, those Canadian pricks will finally stop acting more progressive than us. Besides, everybody needs to chill the fuck out anyway.

6) Trademark my signature Obama-pause. It’s more than just a normal pause. It’s eloquent, it’s intellectual, and it shows deep thought. You can’t tell me the singular rhetoric device that won over mass crowds and got me the presidency isn’t a cash cow. And you can use it anytime. Example: “Babe, you are the girl of my dreams. Our relationship has survived the Great Rejection of our first date, it has weathered the storm of your parents and it has lasted through all of the terrible romcoms with Justin Long you made me see. I say this because I know, in my heart it is time for… (Obama Pause) a threesome. I hope for some change in the sack.”

Fromwww.theblacksheeponline.com The Streets

If you had a dream, what would it be?

2011 Predictions

“A Lohan family group suicide...live on national TV...now that’s ‘Must See TV!’” Evan L. Sophomore, Physics

mike wrote this Friends, a new and exciting year is upon us. This means a new semester, a new set of expectations and, most importantly, a clean slate devoid of all the ridiculously stupid shit you did last year. And seriously, you did some stupid shit. What an animal. As always, a new year is filled with gleeful uncertainty and a burning hope and desire that this year will be better than the last. Or something like that.

Whoever Michigan gets to coach their football team, their fans will continue to be arrogant, annoying and not affiliated with that university at all Whether it’s Les Miles, Brady Hoke or Ann Arbor City Council Woman Marcia Higgins, the maize and blue masses will continue to insist that we are inferior, despite our recent dominance. They will also misspell most of the words that they use because their GED certificate is in the way of their keyboard. Sadly, this will still not be the year we settle it on the field. This is also the first mention of Marcia Higgins in any publication, ever. You’re welcome, ma’am.

“”

With that said, being the naïve optimist who has been published at least two times in this fake paper that’s printed on actual paper, I have made some shockingly bold predictions. Seriously. I read them back, and I was totally and utterly shocked. Like when I saw Barbershop 2: Back in Business and it didn’t answer all of the questions that were left dangling from the first one. For shame, Mr. The Entertainer, for shame indeed.

Lady Gaga will do something weird; I will mistakenly overhear someone talking about it in class or at a party and then continue whatever I’m doing This is undoubtedly the boldest prediction ever made. This happened time and time again in 2010 and I expect this year to be no different. I will be in a back row or a quiet corner and I will hear someone talk about the latest Gaga shenanigan, which will probably be something along the lines of “you see that sweet Jerky Thong she was wearing on that new Kevin Pollak game show?”I will hear this and immediately say to myself “wow, I didn’t know Kevin Pollak was on a new game show,” and then return to figuring out which Menna’s location is closer (Albert in class, Hagadorn at a party, usually).

“2011 is my year to make a dream come true.”

I will throw a bike into the river Ask anyone who has been around me for more than fifteen minutes; I am a huge fan of the idea of throwing a big thing into a body of water. Can’t shut up about it. For that very fact, I am not allowed on any Carnival Cruise Line ships, ever. The world’s oceans are thankful for that because they are not filled with deck chairs and white trash idiots that I chucked in there. 2011 is my year to make a dream come true and throw a bike, (probably my own because I hate thievery), into the Red Cedar River. Note: this won’t happen because it’s illegal and I don’t think I would like jail.

This will be another good year Mark it. I could not be more excited for the upcoming year. I will be opening for Dave Coulier twice this year. Yes, that Dave Coulier. Yes, this year. I also bought a new pair of pants that I’m very excited about. It’s the little things. Let’s have a great year, Spartans.

“Two dudes at the same time, man.” Lindsey F. Senior, Supply Chain Management

“My own personal Taco Bell...no wait, Burger King...wait, Taco Bell!” Louisa A. Sophomore, Nursing

S E R U T C I P k e e w E H T OF

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SHOUT OUTS! To the six sorostitutes on elipticals in front of me: thank you, could not have done it with out you - the guy in red, breathing heavy Lou Ha’s...where did you go? Why did you leave? And will you please come back? Jackie - it was great “reconnecting” back home over break, but let’s be serious, you’re a 5, I’m an 8, it just doesn’t add up. -Mike S To the girl who groped me all night at Landshark on Thursday, can we try this again? This time, let me turn around, the positioning will work out better. -Tall and very blue Amanda, did you come back early and eat all my food? I know it was you! -Sarah KK - who do you think you are? Making out with Mike on NYE with MY friends? Just wait until I see your fat ass, I will destroy you!!! -Meg To the girl who puked on our carpet outside of the bathroom during our NYE party...thanks for the stain and for leaving $20, and for leaving. -404 To our new neighbor at Chandler - thanks for the show, we appreciate it. -the boys w da noise.

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Presidents Who Knew How to Party Steven VanMaele wrote this

It’s a hard fact to remember that the reason we are attending this fine university is for an edjamacation of some sort. However,we are indeed scholars (most of us at least… some of us… a couple?). Being the scholars and trendsetters we are, famous people stop by every now and then to see what all the hype is about. I can only assume that if some of the presidents of our past were still alive, they would love to visit our fantastic school. Although, let’s get serious- this is MSU and not every president would be able to keep up at our level. James Buchanan couldn’t bag a lady in office and he definitely wouldn’t have a chance with our hotties now. So, I ask you this, which presidents

have what it takes to party at MSU? Thank goodness I know a lot about history and partying to prepare me to answer this question… My first nomination goes out to my buddy Johnny, Johnny F. Kennedy. Besides being one of the most popular presidents ever, he was also known to be a lady-killer. His closest friend described him as “shameless in his sexuality.” He was friends with Frank Sinatra, rumored to have had a love affair with Marilyn Monroe, and nowadays has his own battleship the USS JFK, which harbors 80 country-conquering fighter jets. And above all that, he’s Irish. Sadly he cannot party with us today, but he lives on in the new Call of Duty game beheading zombies that we have come to love. Like JFK, Andrew Jackson was also an all-around badass. When he wanted Florida and Congress told him no, he gave them the middle finger and invaded Florida all the same. Whenever anyone pissed him off, he either beat them with a cane or challenged them to a duel. In one

Awesome Deals EVERY Week!

duel, Jackson was shot an inch away from his heart and didn’t even flinch. Jackson immediately returned fire and killed the man. Besides his badassery, Jackson could throw awesome parties. After winning the election, he invited common men into the White House for a party that lasted all night, including free ice cream, cheese, wine and sometimes karaoke.So, next time you hand the cashier a twenty to get your booze, remember our old friend Andy. Lastly, this particular man presided over the longest economic expansion in US history and reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33, ahem, 35 years. He also enjoys going to Mars. Bill Clinton has been described as the MTV president. He has had a lot of affairs, admitted to “experimenting” with weed in England, and plays a mean saxophone.Looking back onto his presidency, Bill said, “I may not have been the greatest president, but I’ve had the most fun eight years.” I think he would fit in at MSU just fine. It really is a damn shame that these gentlemen never had the opportunity to kick it with us Spartans. Who knows what we could have accomplished together?

Jackson was the first president to ride on a train!

The Bar Grid

January 2010

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

SPECIAL NIGHT

WED, 1/12 THURS, 1/13

FRI: 4-8PM: Nacho Bar $1.50 Wells & High Life Wednesday Daily Specials: $2 Coronas Monday 9pm-Close 8-Close: $3 All Drafts, $2.50 - Pints Daniels, Soco Limes, $2.50 –Jack Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close Kamikazes, LIVE DJ!6 $2.00 – Well Drinks

Happy Hour: M-F (3-6) 1/2 Off Potato Skins/Hush Puppies/Onion Rings Thursday Friday Saturday 31 Miller Lt., Bud 1 2 $2.50 Lt., Coors Lt., DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village and Labatt Lt. Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 Well Drinks 7

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) 9-Close: DJ (Frontbar) $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close $3 Miller Lt., Bud 13 14 15 Lt., Coors Lt.,16 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) and Labatt Lt. Pints $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze Shots $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $3 UV Bombs and Calls $2.50 – Pints 20 21 22 23 Come check out our newly $2.50 – Call Drinks DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Friday 9pm-Close remodeled back STAR FARM bar! DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Bash Drinks 3-8: Half off ALL Drinks Burger 9-Close: DJ (Frontbar & Backbar) Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 Lt., Coors Lt.,30 $1 Burgers, $1 Fries $3 Miller Lt., Bud $3.50 – All Pints DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well8-Close: Drinks Ladie’s Night! DJ Beats (Front Bar) and Labatt Lt. Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats Sunday All Day $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lt., $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze Shots $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas Rolling $3 Wells $3.00 – Pints Rock Bottles, Call Drinks, $8.00 – SoCo Burger, Fries & Pint Limes and Kamizakes We now have three 60” flat screens Every Day $3.50 and a giant 120” projector screen! $3.00 – Kamikaze ShotsLong Islands Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs 327 Abbott Rd & Backbar) 9-Close: DJ (Frontbar East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day

1.75 24oz Cans of Miller Lt., Coors Lt and Labatt 2.00 Wells 3.00 Rumple Minze

Happy Hour 4-7, Monday-Friday: $1 Off Pitchers, $0.50 Off Cocktails, $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts Lunch Specials 11:30 to 2, Monday-Friday $4.72 Burgers w/ chips and drink $5.47 Burgers w/ fries and drink

Two 4 Tuesdays $2 Wells, $2 Jack $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Long Island

Pitcher Night! $1.50 Off 60oz pitchers

$2 Captain Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Coronas, $3 Wells/Calls $4 Bombs/Shots (except Patron)

Southwest Night! $2.75 Corona, Sierra Nevada, and Cuervo Gold Shots

BURGERAMA: $1.50 Burgers (3-9) $3 High Life Pitchers, $2.50 Labatt Mugs After 9: $2 Domestic Bottles $2.75 Everything (except Patron)

FRI, 1/14

Half Off Happy Hour 4-8PM $2 Nacho Bar, Half-Off Drinks 8-Close: $3 All Drafts, Jack Daniels, Soco Limes, *Ladies Night~ Every Thursday! and Kamikazes

SAT, 1/15

$3.50 Captain Morgan $3.50 Flavored Vodkas $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikazes $3 Domestic Bottles and Drafts

9-Close: DJ (Front) & Live Band (Back) $3 Miller Lt., Bud Lt., Coors Lt., and Labatt Lt. Pints $3 Wells $4 Smirnoff Vodka Flavors Enjoy our three long party tables!

$2.50 Pints of Labatt and Miller Lite all day!

$3.75 Captain/Jack Drinks $3 Miller Lite Mugs $3.50 SoCo Lime $3.75 Burger/Fries

SUN, 1/16

Closed

All Day: $3 Bloody Mary, Bacardi Bombs, and Call Drinks $3 Pints DJ Frontbar

Canadian Night! $2.50 Bottles Labatt Blue & Blue Light; Molson Golden and Canadian

Happy Hour All Day! $3 Long Islands and Coronas $2.50 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks

MON, 1/17

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Gator Bite Shots

7-Close: $4.99 Fish/Burger/Brat Baskets $4.99 Coors Light Pitchers $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze Shots $4 UV Bombs The backroom is now 40% larger!

Miller Lynchburg Night! $2.50 Miller, Lite, and Genuine Draft Bottles $2.75 Jack Shots

$3 Mugs of Leine, Blue Moon, and Killians $4 Mugs of Bass, Newcastle, Guinness $4 Shots and Bombs (except Patron)

TUES, 1/18

$2 Bottles of Miller Lt, Coors Lt, and Rolling Rock $2 ALL CALL DRINKS $2 Soco Lime and Kamakazee Shots $3.50 Long Islands

9-Close: Blues Band 1/2 Off Martinis and Wine Glasses $3 Miller Lt., Bud Lt., Coors Lt., and Labatt Lt. Pints $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze Shots So many renovations, you have to see them all!

WED, 1/19

$1.75 24oz Cans of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Labbatt Blue $2 Wells $3 Rumpleminze

9-Close: DJ (Frontbar) $3 Miller Lt., Bud Lt., Coors Lt., and Labatt Lt. Pints $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze Shots $3 UV Bombs and Calls Watch the game on our 60” flat screens and a giant 120” projector!

½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings

$3 Miller Lt., Bud Lt., Coors Lt., and Labatt Lt. Pints For More Information Contact Us: (517) 3512222 $3 Wells www.dublinsquare.net $4Or Text: “Dublin Square” to Captain and Jack Drinks 10 Beers on Tap and a 839863 for specials & updates. New Sound System!

Happy Hour 4-7: $1 Off Pitchers, $0.50 Off Cocktails, $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts Lunch Specials 11:30 to 2, Monday-Friday $4.72 Burgers w/ chips and drink $5.47 Burgers w/ fries and drink

$3.75 Finlandia/Smirnoff Flavored Drinks, Captain and Bacardi Drinks, and Corona $5 Red Bull and Well Vodka $3.50 Grape Crush Shots

Big Draft Beer Night! $2.75 Labatt Blue and Miller Lite $3.70 Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 Guiness

Pitcher Night! $1.50 Off 60oz pitchers

Two 4 Tuesdays $2 Wells, $2 Jack $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Long Island

$2 Captain Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Coronas, $3 Wells/Calls $4 Bombs/Shots (except Patron)

The Bar Grid Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Sunday - Friday: $1.00 off ALL tall Drafts, $3 Smirnoff® flavors, Crown Royal®, Captain Morgan®, Jack Daniel’s®, SoCo®, Jameson Irish Whiskey® & $2 Select Shots PLUS $3 select appetizers

HAPPY HOUR! Mon - Fri, 4-7 DOLLAR Drinks and Drafts

Spartan Saturday $2.50 Wells $2.50 Pints $2.50 Bombs

Super Smoke Sunday All Hookah’s $9

SPECIAL NIGHT

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Pistons vs. Grizzlies at 7:30 pm. Get over hump day with our great specials. You Have to be Here!

WIpeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Everything - Food, Drinks, Beers & Wines

Closed

Drink Night! Buy a Hookah and Get TWO FREE Drinks!

WED, 1/12

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent boneless wings Our weekend starts on Thursday! Enjoy our late night specials!

Thirstygirl Thursday Ladies Night – NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers

Closed

Happy Hour 7-9PM $2 Off All Smoke Sessions

THURS, 1/13

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Red Wings vs. Blue Jackets & Pistons vs. Raptors at 7pm Catch all the action on our Big Screen TVs!

TGIF $2.50 Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks $2.50 Stoli Drinks $2.50 Pints

Free For All Friday 9-10 NO Cover 9-11 FREE Draft Beer Tasting 9-11 FREE Pizza 9-11 $1.00 Drafts, Wells & Shots 11-2 $2.50 Wells, Beers & Shots

Happy Hour 7-9PM $2 Off All Smoke Sessions

FRI, 1/14

ABC Saturday+Square Pegz $2.50 Absolut $2.50 Barcardi & Bud Light $2.50 Captains & Coronas $2.50 Crown & Cuervo

Spartan Saturday $2.50 Wells $2.50 Pints $2.50 Bombs

Happy Hour 7-9PM $2 Off All Smoke Sessions

SAT, 1/15

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close We are your football headquarters! Catch all the NFL playoff action here!

SUNDAY RECESS PARTY SCHOOL’S OUT DJ JUAN, NO Cover $2.50 Pints, $6.75 60oz Pitchers 1/2 Off Pizza

Closed

Super Smoke Sunday All Hookah’s $9

SUN, 1/16

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Pistons vs. Mavericks at 3:30pm

$1.50 Pints $3.00 Pitchers FREE Hot Dogs

Closed

Buy 1 Smoke Session for $12, Receive Same Flavor Refill for Free!

MON, 1/17

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings MSU vs. Illinois at 7pm. Plus, Red Wings play at 7pm. Be sure to stay late night and try one of our $3 select appetizers!

Taco Tuesdays - FREE Tacos All-You-Can-Eat 7PM – 12AM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $5.00 Buckets of Coronas

Closed

Guess the Flavor Night First 2 Correct Guesses Receive FREE Smoke Session!

TUES, 1/18

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Take a break from studying and head into Buffalo Wild Wings!

Half Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

Closed

Drink Night! Buy a Hookah and Get TWO FREE Drinks!

WED, 1/19

MSU vs. Northwestern at 1pm. Go State! Plus, NFL playoffs!

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bartender

WEEK

of the

Nickname: Stanley Age: 27 Relationship Status: Taken, ladies Major: Business Administration and Marketing What do you think about men in Speedos? God awful New years Resolution: Same as last year’s Best Christmas gift you received: Bottle of scotch Hobbies: Guitar, football and Wii Embarrassing moment: Getting yelled at in kindergarten for throwing scissors Favorite junk food: Cheese pizza Rockstar you would want to party with: George Clinton Craziest place you have ever hooked up: In the grizzly bear exhibit at Potter Park Zoo Broke the law: Yes, streaking Dream Job: Brewmaster First thing you would buy if you won the lottery: Plane ticket to Europe and stay there for a month Pickup line that you use: Just cheers their glass Turn on: Good eye contact Turn off: Clowns Hangover cure: Holthouse farm greens goodness mixed with vodka Favorite vacation spot: Chicago Favorite TV show: Boardwalk Empire Shout out to anyone: What’s up Jason Segel?!

upp James C uare q Dublin S

drink

shot

Talisker + On the rocks

seconds Quick, you have just seconds to decide if that next sip will send you out blacking. What, you’re listening to your conscience? Please, we know you better than that. What You Need: A deck of cards, booze. Number of Players: Oh, two or more. Intoxication Level: Seconds will turn into hours and a hungover morning.

How to Play: - Players sit in a circle with the shuffled deck of cards in the middle. Play goes counter-clockwise, with one person being the dealer and the person to their right being the drinker. - The dealer picks a card. The drinker has to drink for as many seconds as the number on the card. Face cards have a corresponding number as its place in the deck (Jack is 11, Queen is 12, etc.) - Before the drinker drinks, however, he has a choice. He can take the number of that card, or he can challenge the dealer. If he challenges, the dealer draws another card. - If the card is higher than the first card, the dealer has to drink the number of the higher card and the drinker doesn’t drink a thing. - If, however, the second card is lower than the first, the drinker gets punished for challenging and getting it wrong and has to drink the combination of the two cards. - On the rare chance that the drinker challenges and the second card is the same as the first, both drinker and dealer have to drink the combination of the two. - Once the drinker finishes their drinks, the drinker becomes the new dealer.

e Recip

Wolf Pussy + Tequila, gin, grenadine, olive juice, and whipped cream

for

er t s a Dis

French Fried Pizza

As your roommate packs a bowl after you two crash home from the bars alone (again), help out, not by holding the bong, but by cooking up some french fried pizza. Thirty minutes later you’ll both be thanking us. What You Need: Cheese, frozen waffle fries, Ragu and the toppings of your choice. Cook Time: 30 minutes Fatty Factor: You’ll hate yourself the next morning, but that’s eight hours away!

Let’s Get Baked: - Prepare the fries in an oven based on the cooking instructions on the packaging, except: - Toss the fries in cooking oil prior to placing them in the oven for added crispiness. - Prepare the oven 20 degrees hotter than instructed on the packaging. - Bake the fries for ¾ of the time instructed on the packaging. - Do not flip the fries if the instructions order you to. - Once the waffle fries have been prepared for ¾ the time, remove the cooking sheet from the oven. Flip the fries. The side that was against the pan should be crispy (and now facing up). - Coat the top of each waffle fry with approximately a spoonful of Ragu. Add too much, and the fries will be soggy. - Sprinkle cheese and the desired topping over the waffle fries. - Place the fries back in the oven and cook for seven more minutes, or until the cheese is a nice golden brown. - Remove the sheet from the oven, let the fries rest for five minutes. Bathroom Aftermath: Do they make, like, a super-plunger, or anything?

Sexy Time

Sandwiches

Indian

Studying

Tail-Gate

Soups

Italian

drinking games

Rumplemintz + Straight up

Hangover

The Game Ends When: The cards run out, and you’ve got seconds to run to the bathroom to vomit appropriately.

dare you

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The Naughtiest Places to Hook-Up Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this

and lost inhibitions. Oopsiepoopsie…

The Fast-Food Establishment: Here’s where you can easily kill two birds with one stone and pull what I like to call the Nosh n’Nookie. Yeah, so he was a mop boy at Taco Bell…he gave you free nachos, what was one supposed to do? Next thing you know you’re in the back booth covered in sauces, getting dry humped, and wondering what your life has come to.

Is your kitty looking to get a vigorous scratching, but tired of the same old routine on your Costco-brand mattress? Well, look no further my friends because I bring you the naughtiest places to get your freak on:

The Roommate’s Bed: It’s a normal Sunday morning; you wake up still dreamy-eyed and bare-ass, spooning with a complete stranger. Yet, something is slightly askew, the entire room is backwards. It appears that in your drunken haze, you and your suitor have stumbled into your roommate’s bed, which is now covered in ball sweat

The Alleyway: We’ve all been down this road; a sloppy hook-up in the back ally stairs behind Charlie Kang’s. Okay, maybe not to this extent, but you get the idea. Nothing says romance like a little casual sex on cold concrete steps and grime up your bum. Not only did you lose your keys, your panties, and your Buffalo Dub, but also the little dignity you had left.

The Dorm Shower: This is a surefire way to royally piss off your dorm-mates, but most of them are probably lame anyways (or at least the ones you’re not friends with), so who really cares? One pro: no evidence left behind. One con: one cubic foot of space. It’ll be all elbows and knees, but maybe in a good way?

The Backseat: It’s like making love in a time machine because you suddenly become a free-spirited teen all over again. Whether in a taxi or mini-van, the backseat will forever be reminiscent of the good

ol’ days when you had to sneak out to meet your boo and ended up reenacting that cheesy sex scene from Titanic where the car gets all steamy and Leo slaps his hand against the window all sexy-like.

The Library: Get lost in the sensual musk of aged, unread books and immerse yourself in a sexual fantasy for all ages. Everybody wants a part of the naughty librarian fetish, but if you’re planning on doing it at the MSU library, bring your own librarian because there are slim pickings. To make it even more daring, try sex in the stacks (preferably the moveable electronic ones) during finals week when you’re more likely to get caught. The Class/Study/Pillar Room: Fluorescent lighting and white cinderblocks paint the picture for a night of lust. Now every time you skip by, you can smirk and secretly laugh at those who are now sitting where your naked body rubbed up all on the desk, chair, couch, what have you) they’re studying on. Awesome. The MSU Stadium: If you somehow break into the stadium and christen the field, give yourself a high-five because you are a true champion among Spartan men (and women).

Naturally, everyone loves intercourse… unless it’s rape. But aside from that, sex is an enjoyable activity for all of us. When that activity needs some spicing up, find your inner freak and get busy!

SomeÊofÊourÊfavorites!

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the movie page

Based on the Trailer

king’s speech dave saw this and gave it a...

The Dilemma

Director:

Starring: Vince Vaughn, Kevin James, Winona Ryder What You Need to Know: Two best friends (Vaughn and James) do best friend-y things with their perfect, cute girlfriends. James’ girl predictably cheats on him (sorry chubbies) and Vaughn catches that hoe in action. Ooh la la, wackiness ensues! What We Think: We think Kevin James looked severely Photoshopped in all of the ads for this film. Even besides judging a book by its cover, it looks pretty typical and overdone. “Couples Retreat” anyone? Okay, we didn’t see that, but over-35 couples just aren’t interesting or sexy.

The Green Hornet

Tom Hooper

Jan. 14th

Starring: Seth Rogen, Cameron Diaz, Jay Chou What You Need to Know: Britt Reid (Seth Rogen) is a sloppy party boy and is so content with it (duh). Shit gets real when his father, a prominent LA media dude, mysteriously dies. Then for some reason, Reid and his Asian friend decide to be a Batman /Robin due of sorts and tight car mysteriously appears. Aha! What We Think: <3 you Seth Rogen, you are right even when you are wrong. The plot of this movie doesn’t really make sense, and Rogen in an action film is still bizarre (come on, “Pineapple Express” so doesn’t count) but we’re still willing to give this film a shot.

No Strings Attached Jan. 21st Starring: Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher, Cary Elwes What You Need to Know: Two attractive friends (Portman, Kutcher) make a decision to just bang all the time, you know, with no strings attached. But sure enough, one of them wants more than the other. Woe is me, ya know? What We Think: Natalie Portman sure is riding the “Black Swan” wave, but that’s okay with us. This movie looks pretty decent, especially whenever Mindy Kaling and Ludacris grace the screen. The plot is slightly obnoxious though; seriously, they are both hot and seemingly cool, why can’t they just love each other?

A-

Starring:

Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena Bonham Carter

Synopsis:

T-t-this f-f-f-film w-w-will winn-n an-an-an-an Osc-c-c-car. The historical drama isn’t for everyone. They’re usually heavy, demanding, emotional films that require a lot of thinking. Plus you pretty much know going into a historical film that no one is going to get hit in the groin. But often times, as cliché old guys on the History Channel say, the truth can be more interesting than fiction, which is why some of the best movies are based on true events. The Kings Speech tells one of these superinteresting true stories. The film shows how King George VI (Colin Firth), the King of England during WWII, overcame a stutter and became one of England’s strongest leaders. Although the act of a king receiving speech therapy may sound mundane, it is surprisingly moving in the film. At the time when George was in line for the throne, the radio had just been invented and British leaders were using it to speak to their people. But because of his impediment, George could barely speak to his daughters, so he hired speech therapist Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush). Through unorthodox methods like singing, yelling and swearing, the King not only developed his speech but a friendship with Lionel as well. It’s hard to believe that this story hasn’t

on DVD

kings!

been told to a mainstream American audience before because, even though it’s a very British-y tale, it’s very intriguing. The film clocks in at two hours and a lot of it was British people being worried about what others think of them, which never happens in Take No Prisoners, Do What You Want America!, but I was never once bored or waiting for an ending. The filmmakers made it fun to hang out with the King and his therapist as they talked and learned from each other. Essentially this was a bro-mance for the historical, regal crowd. Of course, since this was a big name British film, every good actor in England was called upon for a role. With all the actors I recognized from a certain wizard film series, the title could probably just be Harry Potter and the Stuttering King. But everyone here shows there’s more to them than just goofy kids films or big British ensemble comedies. Colin Firth is brilliant as the King; even without the ability to speak clearly, he is able to show the pressure that comes with his title and gives the audience the ability to see him as a scared human being instead of an old, dead king-dude. Geoffrey Rush provides a great humorous element to the story, and Helena

Bonham Carter takes a break from being all gothy in Tim Burton films to play a very caring, yet strong, wife of the King. There were times when I saw the film almost stretch too hard for intensity and emotion by the numerous “big” fights the King and Lionel would have then resolve, but the emotion never seemed faked or forced. What I thought was most interesting about The King’s Speech was that it was an extremely historical film yet hugely personal at the same time. It wasn’t questioning what England would’ve been without this King during WWII or saying he did anything beyond what his country required of him; the film simply showed how courageous one can be for his country when given the chance. After opening in big, arty cities in December to qualify for awards, good winter movies will be trickling into theatres over the next months for your viewing pleasure. There are a ton of them to see if you’re into movies, but I recommend you start off with this one. It’s surprisingly inoffensive and tame compared to what else will probably be honored during awards season, yet that doesn’t make it any less awesome.

answers are a few pages from here

January 11th The Social Network Piranha Greek: Chapter Five The Complete Third Season

January 18th Takers Stone Justified: The Complete First Season

What else is competitive Donkey Kong gamer Billy Mitchell (from “The King of Kong”) famous for?

The musical “The King In the 1991 comedy “King and I” takes placed in Ralph,” John Goodman’s Siam. What is that country character falls for a woman known as today? of what profession?

What was the budget for the original “King Kong,” released in 1933?

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The Black Sheep Interviews: Chanel Preston Then usually that’s when the guy shows up. After that you’re shooting the sex scene and stills. Then you’re done. I’d say I’m usually there for about five hours. TBS: So you’ve been in the “XXX Parodies” before. How is that different in terms of preparation? Chanel: I was in a Wonder Woman parody. I was watching The Black Sheep: Let’s jump right in; when it comes the show so I could develop the character, and I was just to shooting scenes, do they let you know what movie like, ‘Gosh, this lady has no personality.” Now I’m doing a you’re shooting before they arrive on set, or do they just Reservoir Dogs parody, but the director doesn’t want it to be kind of shoot stuff and fit it into movies later? a parody, he wants it to be a homage. It’s going to be, like, Chanel Preston: It depends. A lot of times they will tell you, word-for-word with sex scenes thrown in. I’m Mr. Orange, so but there have been a couple of times I didn’t I’m dying the whole time. There’s gonna be know what DVD it would be for. They’d let some drama involved. you know the people you’d be working with, TBS: Obviously you choose what kind of There are more than though. sex you have on camera, but how does TBS: And do you guys script the sex 26 million porn sites that decision-making process work for beforehand, or what? How much of it is you? Like, what makes you decide you’ll organic? shoot an anal sex scene? Chanel: It’s very scripted the majority of the Chanel: I had been wanting to do anal and time. They’ll tell you what to do, so they’ll double penetration for a while, and being start by saying “This is the dialogue in the new to the industry it’s not always a great beginning, I want you to…” Then you start idea to jump right in to that stuff. I chose to going at it. You’ll start in one position and do it because I didn’t just want to be that then you’ll cut and do another position. It DID YOU KNOW girl who’s pretty, but that’s all she has going really depends where you’re shooting scenes, for her. Jules Jordan shot my first anal sex because obviously it doesn’t work when scene, and one day he called me to a DP, you’re on a table or whatever. There’s a few times when the and I was like, ‘Yeah, I’ll do that.” director will just say “go for it,” but that’s usually when they’ve TBS: How do you get better at your job? Like, I can write worked with the male talent several times and the male talent in my off-time, but… knows what he’s doing. Chanel: I’ll watch my scenes sometimes and I’ll go, “I TBS: Can you walk through a typical day on set for you? don’t like that,” or “that’s weird.” I read peoples’ reviews of Chanel: If I’m shooting a gonzo film usually I’m in makeup my scenes all the time and take what they have to say as for two or three hours. After that you do your “pretty girl constructive criticism. pictures” where it’s just you modeling with no guys involved. TBS: Do you have friends in the industry that you talk Chanel Preston is a very attractive lady that happens to have sex on camera, which is very convenient to horny dudes the world over. You, horny dude, can catch her on her webcam, on a bunch of DVDs, or on her site, ChanelPreston.com. We caught up with her over the phone, the least erotic of the communication devices.

music

about this stuff to? What’s your social life like? Chanel: I don’t try to distance myself from the girls or anything, but living in Hawaii, it’s hard for me to hang out. When I’m in LA, I’m there to work. TBS: You recently won the CAVR Starlet of the Year award. Does that mean anything to you or does it afford you any interesting opportunities? Chanel: I’m not interested in being a contract girl, though I do work with contract companies. The award is important because I’m so new, but it will certainly help getting my name out there. TBS: You have several tattoos, do they mean anything? Why did you get them? Chanel: I wish they had more meaning, but I just kind of have them. I put one on my back when I’m 18, it’s so ridiculous I’m getting it removed slowly. The ones on my chest I like. The one on my pubic area was impulsive, I wanted to wax, but I didn’t want to look young. Now I’m like, “Why did I do that?” TBS: Holy crap, did that hurt? Chanel: It was really painful. I wanted to do it because… like…who would do that?

? There are more than 26 million porn sites

brendan wrote this

Cake The Mountain Goats This Year

Regina Spektor Human of the Year

David Gray This Year’s Love

Nine Inch Nails Year Zero

Death Cab for Cutie The New Year

U2 New Year’s Day

Al Stewart Year of the Cat

Ra Ra Riot Each Year

The Good Life Album of the Year

10 The Walkmen In the New Year 11 Crystal Castles Year of Silence 12 The Decemberists A Record Year for Rainfall 13 Amanda Palmer Another Year 14 Silversun Pickups No Secrets This Year 15 Foo Fighters Next Year 16 Tori Amos Pretty Good Year 17 Arcade Fire Winter For A Year 18 Nada Surf Blankest Year

Showroom of Compassion As dry as that cake she makes you munch on.

The first (and, ultimately, only) run-in I had with Cake was several years ago, when I worked at a stupid clothing store over Christmas Break. We had many slow nights and I would chat with my favorite manager; a white, gay male over the age of 30 who worked at a store geared toward 13 to 17-year-olds. We got talking about music one night and he gloated that his favorite band ever was Cake. He told me tales of seeing them in the nature, perhaps on peyote. Inspired, I went home and downloaded two Cake albums and proceeded to have a mildly-intense, month long Cake phase. But as most unauthentic obsessions go, it simply fizzled out. Maybe I just “jumped on the bandwagon,” trying to be pseudo-hip with my manager for no good reason. I don’t think I fully “understood” Cake, and I don’t know if I still do. Perhaps it would help if I smoked more weed when I listen to them, but I fear their monotony combined with my permanent “zoned out demeanor” would make listening to them that much more irrelevant and, therefore, pointless. Sure, I enjoyed them then and, sure, Showroom for Compassion, is better than stuff most “mainstream” artists put out there. It’s just not an album that I would suggest to friends or that I would voluntarily listen to, but I might not next it if it came up on shuffle, depending on the status of my A.D.D. Their songs are just meh. Sure, the first track “Federal Funding” deceives the listener initially, because it’s got that dark, melodic beat and dark, low talking-

others

singing combo, but the rest of the album does not follow suit. The folky beat in “Bound Away” is refreshing enough, but the droning chorus lyrics of “Bound away / I’m bound away” is totally predictable and forgettable. John McCrea really loves to repeat things, doesn’t he? In “Long Time” he repeats the ironic line “It’s been a long time / a long time” and it’s like… yeah, it has, hasn’t it? “Sick of You,” the requisite single off the album, has a nice boopy, happy sound that all California bands have. The fast paced guitar chorus is catchy enough, but the monotone vocals are enough to bore any listener halfway through. Finally, I’ve never really been a huge fan of cake, the food that is. The outer appearance is appealing enough, but the inside is always so dry, is it not? But you keep going back, because sprinkles are awesome, hoping that it’ll get better with each bite (and it usually is, with each sip of wine to wash it down), but you somehow weirdly resent it at the end of all of it. Do you see where I’m going with this awesome analogy? Not really? Okay, well all you need to know is that Cake (the band) is so, so dry, and I’m ready for another bottle of wine or perhaps some of that peyote.

Sounds Like: Blaaaaah. Download: “Federal Funding,” “Sick of You,” “The Winter” Listen to it When: You’re permanently zoned out, playing video games.

Steel Magnolia Steel Magnolia Cage the Elephant Thank You Happy Birthday John Lennon, Yoko Ono and Michael Epstein Lennon NYC Alter Bridge Live from Amsterdam

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Movie Quiz

words! you need 'em!

1. Hot Sauce 2. Thailand 3. Stripping 4. $675,000

Holy _____ 1 _____, last night was bizarre. No, I didn’t get _____ 2 _____ or anything amateur like that. I took a bunch of _____ 3 _____ and watched _____ 4 _____ for like seven hours… okay, maybe it was only two. But I passed out on my dog Sparky’s _____ 5 _____ and had the weirdest, best dream ever. First of all, Sparky was there, but he was wearing _____ 6 _____ covered purple stiletto pumps. He had a beeper on his belt and kept getting pages from _____ 7 _____ which really freaked me the fuck out, because I had a _____ 8 _____ of _____ 9 _____ on me. I quickly got on Google and searched for ways to become invisible, and it took me to _____ 10 _____ website that had detailed directions. He suggested filling your bathtub with _____ 11 _____-flavored Jell-O, ample amounts of melted _____ 12 _____, and condoms filled with _____ 13 _____ So I laid in the tub wearing only a _____ 14 _____, and then things started to get weird. After submersing myself, Sparky came into the bathroom and spoke to me in a _____ 15 _____ accent, telling me that I must “cart-wheel, not run, to the nearest _____ 16 _____.” Torn by my fears of terrorism, I decided to take Sparky’s advice. I leapt out of the tub and fell into the drain. I was swirling down the pipes, and the only sound I could hear was _____ 17 _____ over and over and over. I eventually landed ass-first into a _____ 18 _____ with my feet falling right into purple stiletto pumps. I looked around, in a daze, and noticed a beeper on my belt alerting me. I leapt up and ran into the bathroom… to see myself laying in a bathtub full of crap. I jumped on the counter, avoiding the _____ 19 _____ and gazed at the mirror… I was Sparky. I licked my _____ 20 _____ just to see how it felt, ate some _____ 21 _____ out of the garbage, and fell back asleep, just like a dog would, dreaming sweet, dog dreams.

Answers

mad lib: High Dreamin’

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