OHIO STATE FALL ISSUE 1 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

from FREE hom ! Like e be all t fore he b you ooze hea you ded sto to c le am pus ...

FALL 2015

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

ISSUE 1

WHICH CAT IS YOUR OSU DORM? 6 SIGNS IT’S WELCOME WEEK TOP 10: ITEMS ON YOUR OSU BUCKET LIST

INSIDE

, K C A B E M O C L E ! W N O I T A N E Y E K C BU

MEET THE STAFF CHIEF CAMPUS EDITOR JJ Mills

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Quinn Myers

ADVERTISING MANAGER You?

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Graham Fowler Kristi OConner Rachel Ciferno Sarah Cole Terry Mooney Summer Cartwright Hallie Mach

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SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Dominic Turk GUERRILLA MARKETING MANAGER Terry Mooney

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

WHAT MOVIE IS THIS SCENE FROM?

The image below depicts an iconic scene from an iconic movie. What movie is it? If you think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, we’ll mail you a prize!

CORKSCREWED An occurrence in which the wine cork breaks in the neck of the wine bottle.

“After it broke, I can’t get the cork to go in the bottle or come out. I’m totally corkscrewed.”

WHICH 1-HIT WONDER IS THIS? Hey, look, it’s that guy who sang that song! What’s his name? Well, we know, do you? If you know the name of the 1-hit wonder from the 2000s pictured below, email us the correct answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, maybe we’ll send you a CD we have laying around our office.

VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS:

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE Can you spot the lie these video game icons are telling you? Think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer. We’ll send you that Duck Hunt dog’s head in a box.

I’ve also been known as “Jumpman” and “Mr. Video.” Me and Princess Peach have never kissed in a video game. I guest refereed in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

how to obtain money now that you’ve been fired from your summer job... JULIE wrote this

START HERE!

WHY DID YOU GET FIRED?

I’m just a bad employee

“Creative differences”

START HERE! how quickly do you need money?

ARE YOU TECH SAVVY?

so you have trouble with authority?

I’m a pure cinnamon roll

I could wait a few days Like, yesterday

Screw the “Man”

Enough I still own a flip phone

I wasn’t bullied for nothing

are you a hoarder?

do your parents love you?

We cool

thoughts on medical procedures?

Define “love”...

Maybe

Naw man

I’m open to options Hard pass

is there anything you wouldn’t do for money?

are you cool with possibly being arrested?

No I don’t think so I would do sex stuff

what is your ideal vacation

I’m down

but are you smart?

Vegas, baby! Backpacking through Europe

are you feeling lucky?

Yeah, street smart

are you cute? E = extremely so Lucky to be alive

My mom says so!

Like a punk Hella cute

My stuff is

donate plasma

start gambling

marry rich

sell your crap online

beg your parents

become a hacker

Skills Needed: Ability to sit still for an hour, reliable transportation, and no fear of needles

Skills Needed: Luck of the Irish, respect for Native Americans, and a tolerance for a lot of cigarette smoke.

Skills Needed: Pretty head, good in bed, and ability to smell wealthy, gullible people like a bloodhound.

Skills Needed: An eBay account from 2008, packing peanuts, and complete lack of nostalgia for anything you used to own.

Skills Needed: Middle-to-upper class background, a good puppy-dog face, and no sense of self-respect.

Skills Needed: Ability to code, a friendship with the group Anonymous, and a “V for Vendetta” mask.

a ladies’ guide to living situations (lessons yo mama didn’t teach you...)

HOW TO: ASSERT DOMINANCE OVER YOUR ROOMMATE

5 DISCREET WAYS TO TELL YOUR MAN YOU’RE TAKING A GIANT POOP

College is a time to reinvent yourself, to turn the person you were in high school to the person your future self will regret being. No matter who you were in high school, there’s one person everyone wants to be in college: the top dorm dog. That’s right, we’re talking the alpha roommate. The alpha roommate is the cool roommate, the roommate in charge, the roommate who calls all the shots and takes shit from nobody. Most importantly, the alpha roommate is not the beta roommate, the submissive roommate, the roommate who only calls their mother and takes shit from everybody, especially their mother. It’s decision time; which one will you be? There can only be one alpha, and here’s how to make sure it’s you. - Molly wrote this

For us ladies, some things are uncomfortable to talk about with your man, especially when you two are first getting to know each other. Perhaps the most essential and unavoidable topic is pooping. Yes, even classy ladies fart and poop. But it’s okay, because The Black Sheep’s here to help deal will this issue. By following these 5 easy steps, this embarrassing topic will be easy to handle and become a great test of your relationship! - Amanda wrote this

Ask your roommate what their door keycode is and then secretly switch keys: This move says “You only live here because I allow you to live here.” It may seem like a fun little accident at first, but they’ll soon realize they have a door to go through before they can get through their room door, and that first door is you. Organize a hall hangout and tell everyone that your roommate rudely blew off your invitation, even though you never invited them in the first place: There’s power in numbers, so make sure the numbers are on your side. Everyone in your hall will inevitably pick favorites, so you need to make sure you’re the chosen one. Your roommate won’t be able to defend themselves from taking the blame for every horrific shit taken in the hall bathrooms because they won’t be there when you start that rumor. Is your hall a safe, welcoming place for your roommate? Absolutely! But only because you let it be, for now. Do everything you possibly can in your room: Homework, calisthenics, your next door neighbor, etc… Your roommate needs to know that this is your space, not theirs. The more time you spend in there, the better, and the more impractical ways you spend your time in there, the best. Anyone else would find the gym a better place to go swimming, but you’ll take nothing less than a kiddy pool in the middle of your dorm. Keep the music down because your roommate’s trying to sleep? More like coordinate your sleeping habits to adhere to my 5 a.m. music time habits. Buy a lounge chair, position it in front of the door, and wait in the darkness: This will seem creepy at first, but eventually they’ll get used to it. They’ll even learn to expect it, which will work to your benefit. Next time they’re considering bringing home a random conquest and forcing you into sexile, they’ll have to first consider if they want to risk bringing the ultimate cockblock into play. You know what scares away random hookups? Roommates who sit in the darkness for who knows how long, waiting for you to come home. Let them know you had a previously arranged roommate that backed out at the last minute (even if you didn’t): This one’s to make sure they know who’s the reacher (them) and the settler (you). You had other, more preferable options that unfortunately didn’t work out in the end. Nonetheless, if they had, you would have chosen said original roommate over your now current roommate in a heartbeat. You’re the roommate prize, and they need to know you’ll expect certain behavior if they want to keep the luxury of living with you. Nothing takes away confidence like knowing you’re someone’s second choice, and you know who lacks confidence? Beta roommates. So you’re now equipped to sociopathically manipulate the living daylights out of your brand new living buddy, but why stop there? Manipulate your classmates, manipulate your professor, try out arson for a while and see if it’s for you! Sociopathy is a winding adventurous road; how far will you take it?

5.) Everyone Poops: Just man up and say you’re taking a shit, because if he doesn’t like it you should dump his ass anyway. If you’re new to the relationship or a bit timid, give him the book entitled Everyone Poops, or play the YouTube version of Morgan Freeman reading it. Let’s be honest, no human can resist Morgan Freeman’s sweet, sultry voice. 4.) Before you lay the wood, I’ve gotta lay mine: Sexual innuendos are perhaps the best way to un-awkwardify a situation. We’re all dirty, filthy people on the inside and our love for sex is one thing everyone has in common. If you say this line, preferably before morning sex, it is a guarantee that your man will at least crack a smile and maybe even not completely understand what it means. The end result will benefit you both. 3.) Selfies: Tell your man you’re going to the bathroom to keep all your various social media accounts presh. Everyone knows that bathrooms have the best lighting anyway—where else does the light perfectly fall upon your cheek bones?! On a side note, if you end up taking a while, he’ll understand your need to bless your followers on #SelfieSunday. 2.) Write It Out: Another fine possibility is to spell out “I’m pooping” on the bed with books or roses, because at the end of the day you’re a lady and dammit you’re romantic. Or leave anonymous Post-it notes around the house that lead him directly to you. These Post-it notes can say anything you’re feeling. Topics include but are not limited to: “I’m dropping the kids off at the pool,”“taking a deposit to the bank,”“defecating,” and “filling the peanut butter jar.” He’ll love playing this fun little game while enhancing his vocabulary! 1.) Music: Ahhh, sweet song lyrics have always best summed up and described life’s most awkward, painful, saddest and funniest moments. There is no better way than to sing, “Let Me Poop” to the tune of Disney’s infamous Frozen. If you don’t like Frozen, you can always come up with a rap, preferably while you’re on the toilet, leaving him impressed. There’s no doubt he’s going to want to wife you up after that. By following one or all of these ways to secretly tell your man you’re taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, you’ll not only breakthrough that awkward barrier of poop and non-poop talk, but who knows where your relationship could go from here. The first step in all successful relationships is to be comfortable with and around pooping and farting. So congratulations, because we all know couples that talk about poop, stay together.

The Horoscope: Your Sign as a Potato

Have you ever wondered what form of potato coincides with your astrological sign? Yes? Well then today’s your lucky day, because The Black Sheep has created a potato-themed horoscope for your week! You can thank us later. ARIES — SMILEY-FACE FRIES: Aries has an affinity for all things 90s and 00s, and has probably never missed a Tuesday night out. They are just the right level of crispy, and are really fun at parties. Keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled for a love interest coming your way this week. TAURUS — THE MASHED POTATO: A Taurus wears many hats - butter, chives, bacon bits, you name it. Their classic nature makes them consistently successful, and a good pairing for most other foods. Err...people. Pay especially close attention to detail on the 28th, and remember the old saying: measure twice, mash once. GEMINI — THAT ONE CURLY FRY IN YOUR REGULAR FRIES: Aka probably the best potato-related thing that can happen to you. You are full of unexpected surprises and never fail to make others smile. Their unique nature makes them stand apart from the crowd. Keep on the lookout for a price drop in that thing you’ve had your eye on around the 30th. CANCER — CHEESY POTATOES: This person is a main course masquerading as a side dish. They’re a little off the beaten path, and take longer to warm up, but in the end, they’re completely worth it. The kind of cheese depends on the person, but usually they tend to stick with the classics. Get ready to dazzle your friends at a barbeque around the 29th.

LEO — WAFFLE FRIES: The perfect pair to almost any meal, the Leo is as friendly as they come. Others get excited when they hear a Leo is coming to their dinner party, and some may cancel plans just to go. Leos are especially great with little kids, but are loved by people of all ages. Keep an eye out for a hot chick(en) on the 4th. VIRGO — THE SWEET POTATO: The name says it all. The sweet nature and mild flavor of a Virgo instantly attracts everyone around them, but some are more attracted than others. Virgos are also the least salty out of all the signs, literally and figuratively. Get ready for a big opportunity coming your way on the 1st. LIBRA — MCDONALD’S FRIES: The scales of the Libra are perfectly balanced between salty and soft. They strike harmony in the golden brown outside and squishy inside. Make sure they aren’t salty, and they’ll be much warmer. Have lunch with a close friend on the 29th, they’ll want to ketchup with you. SCORPIO — ROASTED POTATOES: Probably the closest a potato can get to being “badass,” like Scorpios are known to be. They’re lean, they’re mean, and they go great with a side of steak. A Scorpio should be on the lookout for a big change coming sometime this week - and accept it cause it’s awesome.

SAGITTARIUS — HASH BROWNS: You either love a Sagittarius, or you hate them. They’re kinda stringy and crispy...and to be honest, the word Sagittarius just reminded me of spaghetti squash and that’s the only reason why they’re hash browns. Look for a healthy dinner alternative on the 29th. CAPRICORN — HOME FRIES: A classic form of potato and a funny nickname for your friends all rolled into one. Capricorns are notorious for being the unsung hero. They are the backbone of many things, yet are often overlooked. Prepare to shine in the spotlight on the 2nd this week. AQUARIUS — POTATO CAKES: Hearty and filling, the Aquarius is usually a lot to handle all at once. Your bold flavor and easy recipe draw similar people towards you. Usually Irish people. Prepare for good news around the 3rd. PISCES – CHIPS: What goes together better than fish and chips? And yes, we mean fries, not actual chips. Pisces are a little exotic, but still a classic at the same time. Not one to be messed with, Pisces stick around for good. Expect a visit from a far away friend around the 4th.

JULIE wrote this

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

WHICH CAT IS YOUR OSU DORM?

ON THE STREETS

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A 4.0?

@CoryAtTheMovies wrote this

We all know that living in a dorm can suck, especially as this year’s freshmen are going to be forced to live in them next year too. So The Black Sheep decided to make you fall in love with your dorm by comparing them to everyone’s favorite internet animal: CATS! Oh, what’s that? You don’t like looking at cat pictures on newspapers? You like dogs better? Then go back to *ichigan where you belong! For the rest of you, enjoy these cat pictures, and if your dorm isn’t here, it’s because it sucks and doesn’t deserve to be recognized, let alone a cat picture. West Campus

North Campus

MEGAN NICHOL

“Swim a naked lap in Mirror Lake”

Morrill and Lincoln Towers: Morrill and Lincoln, you just want to be loved. You’re stuck out on west campus, desperate for love and attention, but sadly left wishing for companionship. At least you have each other and the Shoe, that’s more than this little guy can say.

Bowen, Raney, Scott, & Torres: Like these adorable newborn kittens, you’re new and everyone wants to play with you. But enjoy it while it lasts because next year you’ll be full grown cats that not as many people will care about.

Archer, Barrett, Haverfield, and Norton: Congratulations Archer, Barrett, Haverfield, and Norton, you’ve survived the North Campus Residential Project. But now you’re the old cats on the block, and like this elderly feline, you’re starting to show your age. Your outsides are sagging and your plumbing doesn’t work like it used to, but we love you and refuse to put you down. Jones Tower: Jones Tower is a kitten hiding under a hat. You try to not be noticed by the rest of campus, and most of the time you succeed. Despite being a huge building, most people don’t notice you, much like they don’t notice your reclusive inhabitants.

KATE PETTIT

“Swear off dollar bombs at The O on Mondays”

Taylor Tower: Like this cat wearing a monocle, you emit an air of sophistication. It could be because you house honor students, or it could be the way you tower over smaller buildings like a monarch over your kingdom. Lawrence Tower (Formerly Lane Avenue Residence Hall): Lawrence Tower, you’re just as good as any of the other dorms on this list, but, sadly, you’re just like this cat staring out a window. Like this cat, who wants to be outside but is stopped by the window, you just want to be connected to campus, but are separated by Lane Avenue. South Campus

Park-Stradley and Smith-Steeb: Park-Stradley and Smith-Steeb, like these two cats, looking so similar, it’s hard to tell which is which, especially for the drunken freshmen that call you home. All they wanted to do was drunkenly eat Cane’s in their room, but they end up getting lost in the other building. Baker: Just like this oddly-colored cat, you’re a building of two sides. On the west side, you’re playful, filled with creative and weird unique individuals. On your east side, you’re kinda bland, housing more studious and boring straight-laced students. Baker, you’re a standing contradiction. Bradley, Canfield, Mack, Morrison, Patterson, and Siebert: Like the cats surrounding this man with food, you all surround Kennedy Commons and 12th Ave. and are poised to pounce. None of you are particularly interesting, but when you work together you create an awesome force that will bring food to anyone in your posse while homeless on the streets. Hall Complex: You’re like these kittens in a box: a bunch of small buildings crammed into a small space. Individually, you would be easy to keep track of, but as a whole, we can’t keep track of all your names and quickly get overwhelmed. But hey, at least we haven’t stuffed you in a burlap sack and tossed you into the Olentangy… yet… Residence on 10th: Res on 10th, you are this fatherly feline. You’re more knowledgeable and more mature than the younger dorms. This is thanks to being an upperclassmen dorm, filled with students who know not to bong Franzia in the middle of the hallway or ask their RA to smoke a bowl with them. You are what the other dorms aspire to be. You go Res on 10th.

AMY DIRKSING

“I wouldn’t do much for a 4.0 because what’s the point of having a 4.0 if you don’t already have a 4.0? A 4.0 is a 4.0 and anything below it is just average.”

Twitter

@BLACKSHEEP_OSU

THE BAR GRID

Ethyl & Tank’s

SPECIAL NIGHT

MONDAY - FRIDAY: Happy Hour: 3 - 9pm HALF OFF ALL DRINKS 25% OFF ALL PITCHERS

THURS.

Happy Hour: 3 - 9pm HALF OFF ALL DRINKS 25% OFF ALL PITCHERS

$5 Martinis for the ladies!

FRI.

Happy Hour: 3 - 9pm HALF OFF ALL DRINKS 25% OFF ALL PITCHERS

6- 8pm: $1 everything including Top Shelf and All Liquor!

BUILD YOUR OWN BLOODY MARY BAR 8am - 2pm

$1 Bombs Everyday til Midnight!

Happy Hour: 2 - 7pm HALF OFF ALL DRINKS 25% OFF ALL PITCHERS

$8 32oz Mason Jars of any kind of mixed liquor, ALL DAY EVERYDAY

SAT. SUN.

formaggio’s $1 Bombs Everyday til Midnight! $8 32oz Mason Jars of any kind of mixed liquor, ALL DAY EVERYDAY

MON.

Happy Hour: 3 - 9pm HALF OFF ALL DRINKS 25% OFF ALL PITCHERS

TUES.

Happy Hour: 3 - 9pm HALF OFF ALL DRINKS 25% OFF ALL PITCHERS

WED.

Happy Hour: 3 - 9pm HALF OFF ALL DRINKS 25% OFF ALL PITCHERS

The O Patio

Mon-Fri: Happy Hour 4-7pm $5 Fajitas, Nachos and Pizza $5 Domestic Beer Pitchers $5 Vodka Pitchers $7 Import Beer Pitchers

TUESDAY: Half Off Everything!

$3 Long Islands

Mug Night $2 Keystone 32oz. $2.75 Miller-Coors 32oz. Also: $2 Wells , $3 Fireball

Happy Hour: 4-7pm $5 Fajitas, Nachos and Pizza $5 Domestic Beer Pitchers $5 Vodka Pitchers $7 Import Beer Pitchers

Beat the Clock: $2 Pitchers starting @2pm; Night Specials: $5.00 Double Long Islands

Watch the games here!

$12 Domestic Buckets

5 Top Shelf Whiskeys for $15!

Sunday Brunch $10.99 all you can eat from 11am - 3pm $5 pitchers until 8pm

$2.75 Import Bottles

$1 All Domestics All Night

Monday Night Football 10 wings and pitcher of beer for only $10!

$1 Bombs $4.50 pitchers

BUILD YOUR OWN BLOODY MARY BAR 8am - 2pm Happy Hour: 2 - 7pm HALF OFF ALL DRINKS 25% OFF ALL PITCHERS

park street cantina

$1 Bombs All Night! $8 32oz Mason Jars of any kind of mixed liquor, all day everyday! Power Night $3 all Top Shelf all night $2 all Middle Shelf all night $2 all Beers all night

Taco Tuesday: $6.99 all you can eat! Happy Hour: 4-7pm

18+ $2 Bombs $6 Pitchers

Half off everything!

Power Hour: 6pm - 8pm $1 Drinks Liquid Dope Night: 8pm $7 Liquid Dope

WANT YOUR BAR SPECIALS LISTED HERE? GET IN TOUCH! ADS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

the Ugly Tuna

Too’s

THE BAR GRID

All Day Everyday: $3 Domestic Drafts all day $3 Fireball $3 Jäger $3.50 Wells

$2 Wells $2 Bombs $2 16oz. Cans

SPECIAL NIGHT

$4 40’s $2 Bombs $2 16oz. Cans

THURS.

$7 Pitchers $2 Bombs $2 16oz. Cans

FRI.

Beat The Clock: 4pm - 8pm $2 progessive Pitchers starting at 4 $6 Pitchers after Ugly Hour starts @ 8pm $10 Buckets: 4pm - 8pm $12 Buckets $4 Jameson Ugly Hour starts @ 8pm

Follow Too’s on Twitter @ ToosUnderHigh

MON.

Toosday $1 Domestic Bottles $2 Bombs $2 16oz. Cans

TUES.

$2 Wells $2 Bombs $2 16oz. Cans

WED.

$10 Buckets: 4pm - 8pm $12 Buckets $4 Jameson

SUN.

Ugly Hour starts @ 8pm $1 Wells, $1 Drafts $1 Long Islands

$7 Pitchers $2 Bombs $2 16oz. Cans

SAT.

Yard Night $3 32oz Domestics, $5 32oz Crafts $5 32oz Wells, $6.50 32oz Calls

1/2 OFF BOOZE! Ugly Hour starts @ 8pm $1 Wells, $1 Drafts $1 Long Islands Yard Night $3 32oz Domestics, $5 32oz Crafts $5 32oz Wells, $6.50 32oz Calls Ugly Hour starts @ 8pm $1 Wells, $1 Drafts $1 Long Islands $3 Craft Bottles $2 Pounders $5 32oz Long Islands - all ﬂavors Ugly Hour starts @ 8pm $1 Wells, $1 Drafts $1 Long Islands

BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

LeANN AT BULLWINKLE’S Relationship Status: Single Major: Arts management — studio art, design Favorite Drink: Sex on the Beach Favorite Shot: Tequila Disgusting Drink: New Jersey Turnpike What’s going to be all the drinkin’ rage this school year?: Bullwinkle’s, without a doubt. Where’s the best place for a sneaky makeoutsesh in ‘Wink’s?: The middle of the dance floor What’s the best thing that happened to you this summer?: Interning for OSU’s 2016 Barnett Symposium and working at the best night club Columbus has to offer. What’s something you wish someone told you when you were a freshman?: The freshman 15 is real, and don’t buy your books before your first class. Which 2 swear words are best put together?: Damn Cameltoe What is the laziest way to avoid the freshman 15?: Laziest? Don’t. What is the spirit animal of your most sexual fantasy?: Emperor Penguin Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s hilarious!

PAGE 10

THE TOP TEN

ITEMS ON THE OSU BUCKET LIST

6 SIGNS IT’S WELCOME WEEK AT OHIO STATE Summer Cartwright wrote this Professors have begun sending out e-mails, you’ve creepedyour future classmates on Carmen, and you’ve already learnedthe Campus Liquorcashier’s name. It’s exciting to be back in Columbus, with Welcome Week in full, drunken swing.In case you’re Welcome Week-ing a little too hard, here are some signs to remind you what time of the year it is as you drunkenlyslam a Chicken Gyro Combo into your faces. It’s hotter than Urban Meyer’s dad bod: The last week of August in Columbus is basically an entire week of sweat-torture sent upon college students to cleanse their bodies before they become borderline alcoholics for the next 10 months. You will sweat walking to class. You will sweat thinking about walking to class. You will sweat sitting in class then leave a pool of evidence for the student in the next lecture to add to. It’s hot as hell, like you should probably just skip going to class until October. Big Bar’s salessky rocket: The beginning of the year is like Christmas for Big Bar! Freshmen don’t quite realize that it’s ratchet AF and a game day gathering spot for 45-year-old men to stare and creepily nod in approval at girls (and sometimes boys) in crop tops. Big Bar is also one of the only places on High that is 18+, and since the order for fakes you put in with your entire floor won’t arrive until mid-September, you have to tough it out. May the odds be ever in your favor, Class of 2019. Wild packs of freshmen haunt campus: “Hey I heard that Joe from the 8th floor knows a guy who’s friends with someone that’s having a party tonight!! Let’s go and bring our ~entire~ floor!!”You know it’s Welcome Week when a large group of #fresh lookin’ teenagers coagulate on every other street corner waiting to hear they’ve got the in to their older brother’s old roommate’s sister’s house party. Hearing “FRESHMAN!”: It’s inevitable. If you’re any living thing walking down Indianola past 10 on a Friday night, you’ll get screamed at. You could be President Drake or a 45-year-old soccer mom, and a dude on his roof drinking Natty would still scream freshman at you. Accept it. Love it. Live it. The homeless community is happy: Maybe they missed whistling at girls in leggings, maybe they’re strung out on rubber cement and think they’re in Paris, or maybe they just enjoy the company. Either way, the homeless people are particularly happy to see students back and walking on their living rooms. The religious guy near Starbucks preaches extra hard and throws in a gospel song every few hours, while the burnt out musicians harmonize “Come Together” with extra… cheer? Yeah, we’ll go with cheer. Religious groupsattack you on the Oval: Speaking of crazy, the religious groups on campus absolutely love to forcefully shove Bibles down people’s throat while they’re unassuming and unpracticed in Oval Crazy Dodge during Welcome Week. The survey that the nice girl in pigtails is giving you is not just a survey — it’s a piece of paper giving her permission to take your soul the moment your pen hits the paper. Do not try to run away. She is faster than you and much stronger than she looks. Free PitaPit is NOT worth it. Here’s to the first week of one of the best years of your life. Make it count, and if you see a lost freshman using their OSU Mobile app, think about helping them out, but then just awkwardly walk by giving them your best :/ face!! Go Bucks!

You think you’ve done it all? Well,you’re nothing more than an inexperienced freshman pretending to know the rules to boom when you are actually clueless. We have complied an ultimate OSU Bucket List. If you manage to check all of these off by graduation, not only are you a true champion, but you really took advantage of your time here at Ohio State. 10.) Get hammered at Woody’s using BuckID Cash: Ever since freshman orientation when you first bit into that perfectly square piece of pizza, this has no doubt been a feat you’ve been meaning to accomplish.The booze just tastes sweeter when it’s bought with university currency. 9.) Sneak under the Oval: It is written on the walls of Orton Hall that our first President William Oxley Thompson built the tunnels as a primary place to breed ducks, with hopes of the high and mighty Afroduckone day gracing Ohio State’s campus. It’s also rumored to lead to a room filled with dozens of pianos, but no one has lived to confirm this. 8.) BTC + CCF: Timing is key to this one: head to BTC around 2p.m. for not only prime seating, but also cheapest drinks. Then head to CCF by prime dinnertime. Please remember to pace yourself—not with the pitchers of beer— but with the speed of your chicken finger consumption. Nothing’s worse an OD-ing on four pounds of chicken. 7.) Witness Ohio State win a National Championship: Unless you’re a freshman, January 12th 2015 will forever go down in infamy as the day The Ohio State University became Undisputed Champions™. If you experienced this on campus, you probably walked away with eyes burning, not from tears of joy, but from teargas. 6.) Get drunk in the RPAC hot tubs: Need to relax after a stressful day ofclass watchingNetflix? Getting a buzz in the hot tubs of the RPAC will do the trick. Grab a bottle of wine, throw it in a Venti Starbucks tumbler (it’ll fit), and make your way to the locker room. By the time you’re actually drunk everyone will think you’re just hysterical after a rough workout. 5.) Undisputed intramural champion: The true test of a successful college career? Owning the prized “Intramural Champion” t-shirt. Bonus points if you’re the team that spends the four hours before your weekly games with a little “warm-up” at Ethyl happy hour — those are the true champions. 4.) Sex in the stacks: There’s nothing more romantic than sealing the deal in one of the quietest spots on campus. Bringing a whole new meaning to the old myth that rubbing Thompson’s head will bring you good luck, you’ll actually be getting lucky…and rubbing a head. 3.) Get high and sneak into the planetarium: Gather your squad, hit the bong, and make your way to Smith Laboratory. Join in on a class that’s already happening (we promise no one will notice or smell you), lean back in those delectable IMAX chairs, and get ready to have your mind blown. You’ll be rethinking your whole life before you’ve even landed on Jupiter. 2.) Get kicked out of a football game: This might not seem like an accomplishment, but it will sure give you the story of a lifetime. Whether it’s from streaking across the field, being too drunk, or making eye contact with Brutus for too long, you’ll walk out of the shoe with the respect of your peers. Once you’re exiled you’ll stumble home, realize you’ve lost your key, sneak back into the frat you pregamed at and steal two cases of Natty. The world is your oyster. 1.) Look back on everything with noragrats: You’ve been through it all. Those four awkward months/years after you hooked up with the girl across the hall freshman year, that time you took three whiskey booms in a row and immediately threw up on the steps of Formaggio’s, and who could forget that one time you “accidentally” flashed some touring alumni after finishing the Fireball. College is about the bad decisions that make incredible stories, so don’t be afraid to silence your conscious and go a little “Buck” wild.

Hallie Mach wrote this

BOOZE REVIEW Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka Grade: B+

Staff wrote this

After many a horrid experience back when it was the go-to drink simply for being “cheap as shit,” we’ve done a pretty decent job of blocking the hideous fragrances and collective aftertastes of devil’s brews like Burnett’s and Pinnacle. But sometimes, there comes a moment in a man’s life where he just needs, well, a girl’s night. Aptly labeled and named, Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka looks exactly like the sort of juice a red winetoting trophy wife would pour herself several glasses of. Except it’s, you know, vodka. Smells Like: Berries, but more specifically, the non-specifically vague ones that have to exist in the world of triple distillation. Tastes Like: Exactly what berry-flavored vodkas should have been tasting like since your first misguided puke caused by them. Ménage à Trois lives up to its French namesake in that it actually earns its French namesake. Not sure about the prospective threesome, though. Typical Drinkers: - Hardcore grandmas wanting to enjoy Golden Girls with something other than prune juice and insulin. - The girl in the group who reluctantly accepts an invitation to a “cheap wine girl’s night.” - A horny desperado who thinks that maybe, just maybe, this will be the night where a liquor’s name doesn’t fail him.

- The “Ha! Enjoy your less than $20 vodka, peasant” vodka connoisseur. User Comments: - “It… it doesn’t burn… SWEET BABY JESUS, IT DOESN’T BURN!” - “Y’all wanna watch Sex and the City followed by Predator 2 later on?” - “Wow, this is so good that I can probably take it strai- UGH, no, never mind.” - “I can’t believe those two girls slapped me in the face simultaneously. Thanks, Ménage à Trois…” You’ll Like This if You Like: Coming back to your old, alcohol-based squeeze’s loving embrace, even if it did leave you alone and crying on several nights. Best Described as the Last Ballsy Line of Defense You’ll Use on a Crush: “Ménage à Trois? Pourquoi, oui, mon chéri.” What Your Grandma Would Say if She Saw You Drinking This: “Oh, Jesus, sweetheart. Thank God you came through. This family party fucking blows.” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Strawberry lollipops, bonbons, assorted dark chocolate truffles, perfume. We Mixed With: Coke, Diet Coke, the Tears of Sexually Frustrated Men

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FRESHMAN 15 SHOTS

FIRST DAY ON YOUR OWN CASSEROLE

With school starting up again, it’s important to get focused but even more important to focus on getting your tolerance back to an acceptable level. This game is sure to give your liver a warm welcome back to campus.

Mommy and Daddy drop you off at school and hightail it outta there before you can change your mind, now what do you do? Forget the ramen, you can make something just like grandma used to make—after she became old and senile and tried feeding you raccoon for Thanksgiving.

What You’ll Need: A good ol’ handle of Burnett’s, a flask, and plenty of perseverance. Number of Players: You and all your closest friends who you haven’t seen all summer.

What You’ll Need: A casserole dish, (Who are we kidding? You’re not Martha Stewart) or some sort of pot—the baking kind. No, no, the kind you put in the oven. Also, whatever food you can scrounge up for free during Syllabus Week. Probably Papa John’s and whatever else. We used two slices of pizza and a box of fried rice a hobo generously offered us.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be missing class the next day because of the hangover.

Fatty Factor: 1000% of your daily-recommended value.

How to Play: - Take a shot for all the ambulances you hear called on the freshmen that can’t hang. - For every icebreaker in your classes, take a shot. - Every time you step around puke on the sidewalk, drink to that. - When you see the herds of students wearing lanyards around their neck, take a shot and try not to strangle them with their makeshift noose. - If somebody asks you for directions, take a shot and appreciate the fact you look like you know your way around this place. - If somebody asks to borrow your ID for the bars, take a long drink and deny them every time.

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. - Take the pot and gently place it on a flat surface. - Throw all the ingredients into the pot so violently that they selfcombine. - Sprinkle a hefty helping of salt for “flavor.” - Wait a certain amount of time, you decide. - Carefully remove from oven. - Divide into enough portions to last the entire semester. - Call Mom and cry.

The Game Ends When: You realize you have to stumble to your next class, whatever the hell that might be.

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If the complaining to Mom doesn’t work, virtually every club on campus offers free food during Syllabus Week. Just steal a pizza or two at every session and you can last through most of the semester.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The Black Sheep’s

Definitive Guide to D.A.D.S. (Day After Drinking Shits)

The variance and veracity of man’s bowel movements after a night of drinking has been a problem that’s plagued our species since the dawn of Saturday mornings. Right up there with life’s most pressing questions — Are we alone in this universe? Is there long-term, tangible meaning to all this?— lies the question Does my butthole sting because a big poop physically ripped it open or is it so toxic that it’s merely an acidic burn? Well, wonder no longer, dear readers, for The Black Sheep dares to take you on an adventure do identify the behavior and cause of 7 different types of DADS. - Quinn wrote this

liquid fire

All morning your butthole has felt pressure building behind it, not unlike holding your thumb over the end of an angry hose. When If you finally reach the bathroom in time, the result is what the male species can only assume what peeing out of a vagina feels like. Only, you know, out your butts. Cause: You drank a lot, and fast… also you probably forgot to eat dinner. Whoops! This fire hose of shit will come late the night-of or early the next morning, as your body is reacting quick and aggressively to flush everything out. 2 Steel Reserve 40s – food – body’s ability to absorb water + your intestines pulling liquid to flush the influx of toxins = liquid fire.

Dirtstar Supernova

Also known as the “Wine Cork,” the Dirtstar Supernova turns your butthole into an old civil war cannon, backed up with years of black powder, sediment, and dust in the basement of Fort Dumpter. Suddenly the cannonball comes blasting out surrounded by all that loose sediment. The fort walls are covered in black debris, and the cannon itself is a blown apart. You’ve got a real mess on your hands. Cause: The ethanol in alcohol revs up the intestines to push everything through quickly, leaving less time for colon to absorb water, which means watery stool. Plus, you must’ve had one already loaded in the chamber. As your body freaks out and floods the bowels, pressure builds behind that nicely-digested poop like a shaken up campaign bottle. Whatever you’re doing, you better find a bathroom fast, before your dirtstar supernovas inside your pants.

Ground Beefs

First, stick your tongue out, close your lips and make the snake tongue motion while pretending to blow out candles. Then imagine someone browned a pound of hamburger, dumped it in a gallon jug of water, shook it up, then sporadically forced 20-30oz of the watery chunk mix out of a turkey baster 10-250 times a day. In this scenario, the turkey baster is your tight lil’ buttonhole. Cause: At least you’ve got some solids now, but they’re disjointed and flooded.Unless you’ve been snacking on granola all night, the lack of fermented fiber in your bowels means you lack the “glue” that binds chunks of poo together, resulting in Ground Beefs.

Hot Snakes

Perhaps the most common type of DADS, the hot snakes are long, brown tubes that flitter out your butthole and coil around the toilet bowl with the fury of a thousand suns. Like your high school girlfriend, they’re thin ‘n windy. Cause: Hot Snakes form after a combination light beers and fatty foods are given enough time in the dehydration chamber that is your large intestine to solidify more than the prior DADS. However, as you’re gripping the toilet and adding an extra push to exorcise these demons, the extra strain causes your external anal sphincter (the doorway right before the exit) to contract, thus squeezing your poo like an angry toddler’s fist around a clump of Play-Doh.

Black Cement

Remember being a kid on the beach, making drip castles out of wet sand?This is the same thing, only instead of a beach you’re in a moist Subway bathroom, and instead of sand dripping out of your hand into a neat little castle, this is a warm, continuous stream ofgrainy shit being pushed out your whimpering butthole. Cause: Coupled with all the red wine you drank last night (sugary drinks containing fructose are hard to absorb, and result in soft serve), you’ve waited a long time to poop — maybe because you held it in while Brad took you to brunch. Brad, he’s so sweet~! So while Brad was blabbering on about his high school lacrosse bros, your large intestine was dehydrating and reabsorbing all that toxins in your wine poo. The plus side is the girls won’t hear you splatter the toilet with Ground Beefs, negative side is this shit don’t clean up real good…

Dark Matter

Dark Matter is the most dense, and therefore heaviest, substance in the universe. Much like your soul as you crushed a second Jimmy John’s sandwich at 3a.m. it’s black, thick, and dead inside. It sinks to the bottom of the bowl, prepped to pull the city’s plumbing system, then the universe, into a bottomless black hole of despair. Cause: You probably haven’t pooped all day, and that’s not good. The large intestine continues to absorb and recycle the shit in your poop, so the longer you’ve held onto this toxic poop, the worse you’ve felt. This leads to a very dense, very dark piece o’ poop in the bottom of your toilet bowl. That, or you’re a very healthy drunk eater and you just laid a high density, low-fat poo. But we’re going to gamble and go with the prior.

Joe ‘Splosion

Named after a dear friend of The Black Sheep, the Joe Splosion is when you go into the bathroom to alleviate your DADS, but end up doing double duty. You sit on the porcelain throne waiting to evacuate last night’s demons but nausea quickly demands your attention. The walls start to close in, and you opt to hop off the seat, unwiped, to press your temples against the cold tile floor and pray for death. But death doesn’t come, and now bile is spilling out both ends like a porcelain cherub spewing water in a pervert’s fountain. Cause: You just straight up went too hard last night, man, and now either nausea or the smell of your DADS is sending your body into a last ditch, all-out detox. You fucked up.

FUN FACTS: Alcohol’s Effect on Your Crap Factory STEP 1: Once that third shot of strawberry Burnett’s travels down your esophagus, the absorption of alcoholbegins in the stomach, where it starts to poison the cells and tissues of your digestive system. STEP 2: As the booze continues to the small intestine, the intestinal cells absorb the bulk of the alcohol. The toxicity causes these cells to lose their ability to absorb water (not good for not having diarrhea), and some cells even die! THEY’RE DEAD! STEP 3: Meanwhile, the enzymes your body normally releases to break down carbs in the small intestine FREAK OUT when it can’t handle the amount of carbs contained in 13 Bud Light Limes, and sort of just say “fuck it” and let all those carbs into the large intestine undigested. STEP 4: The cell injury and death leads to an outpouring of fluid from the intestinal lining, which is in turn poorly absorbed. Poorly absorbed liquid in the intestines? You probably smell what’s coming next. STEP 4: Somewhere in this process you’re shoving a shitload of grease and Jimmy John’s down your gullet in which your already-poisoned, hobbling large intestine is still trying to ferment all those carbs. It’s about here you’ll start farting. A lot. STEP 5: Your brain finally notices your body is being poisoned, and, literally, opens the floodgates to flush that poison out. The end result is large volume secretory diarrhea, the worst stripper name of all time. STEP 6: Your body continues to flush the bowels until the alcohol is detoxified and removed from the digestive system. So, the more you drank, the longer you can count on shitting yourself. The good news is, your body is well under way of detoxing itself by your second bout of D.A.D.S.

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THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

YOUR SUCCESSFUL SEMESTER Well, this headache isn’t quite how I expected to start this semester, but I guess that’s what ya get for pounding a __1__ of __2__ at __3__ rager last night. Actually, kind of reminded me of __4__ pool party over the summer, when I __5__ that one __6__ and didn’t even catch a name. But this semester’s not going to be like last semester! First class up is…ok, well I missed __7__, but it’s just Syllabus Week anyway, so who frickin’ cares, right? I’ll definitely go to __8__… but it’s all the way over in __9__, so, maybe not. Enough of class, man. Plenty of time to do the whole academic thing. I wonder what’s even going on tonight. Oh shit, it’s __10__! It’s—that means it’s __11__at __12__! Been waiting for this one all summer. Going to get my good clothes on, going to shave my __13__and I’ll be bringing back a piece. We’ll put on some “__14__” by __15__and tomorrow morning we’ll hit up __16__for some of that good Plan B. Ok, but for real. It’s time to get up and get the whole day going. Well, wait, I forgot I was just about to start another season of __17__on Netflix. Well, maybe I’ll go to class tomorrow.

WORD BANK 1) Container/ volume of booze (bottle/case, etc.) 2) Beer or liquor brand 3) Friend, possessive 4) Different friend, possessive 5) Sex act, past tense 6) Term for guy or girl 7) First class of the year

8) Second class of the year 9) Far-away campus building 10) Day of the week 11) Bar special 12) Bar that has 11’s special 13) Body part 14) Sexytime song 15) Artist 16) Campus health center 17) TV show

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