OLE MISS FALL ISSUE 1 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

from FREE hom ! Like e be all t fore he b you ooze hea you ded sto to c le am pus ...

Fall 2015

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 1

TOP 6: PICKUP LINES TO LAND AN OLE MISS MISSUS THE CHANCELLOR SEARCH PROCESS, REVEALED! HOW TO: GET ON YOUR PROFESSOR’S GOOD SIDE

INSIDE

, K C A B E M O C L E W ! N O I T A N L REBE

MEET THE STAFF CHIEF CAMPUS EDITOR Brittain Thompson

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Hunt Halford Jamie Mantin

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Caitlin Kennedy Chaning Green Evan Myers Lily Wann Taylor Collins Marvin “Glen” O’Reily GUERRILLA MARKETING MANAGER Marvin “Glen” O’Reily SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Anya Schwartz

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

WHAT MOVIE IS THIS SCENE FROM?

The image below depicts an iconic scene from an iconic movie. What movie is it? If you think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, we’ll mail you a prize!

CORKSCREWED An occurrence in which the wine cork breaks in the neck of the wine bottle.

“After it broke, I can’t get the cork to go in the bottle or come out. I’m totally corkscrewed.”

WHICH 1-HIT WONDER IS THIS? Hey, look, it’s that guy who sang that song! What’s his name? Well, we know, do you? If you know the name of the 1-hit wonder from the 2000s pictured below, email us the correct answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, maybe we’ll send you a CD we have laying around our office.

VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS:

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE Can you spot the lie these video game icons are telling you? Think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer. We’ll send you that Duck Hunt dog’s head in a box.

I’ve also been known as “Jumpman” and “Mr. Video.” Me and Princess Peach have never kissed in a video game. I guest refereed in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

@BLACKSHEEP_ISU

SNAP. SNAP.

SELFIE STICK STRIKES STALKER SWIFTLY A Broken Hairdryer wrote this

Selfie sticks are all the rage with young whippersnappers nowadays, but Ole Miss student Jaime Reed can now thank one for her life. Early Thursday morning Jaime left her house to go for a quick a jog, according to Reed, “A 10-to-12-minute jog makes for the perfect post workout glisten. Anything more than that and my selfie looks like I fell into a lake and was eaten by mermaids, but, like, the evil ones from Peter Pan.” While returning from the uneventful jog she pulled out her selfie stick to capture the trademarked glisten when she noticed something peculiar in the background of her picture. Jessica Larr, sorority sister and frenemy to Reed, followed Reed for two blocks holding a knife. When Reed attempted to take her selfie she noticed that there was glint too strong to be her skin in the photo. Larr, realizing that she had been spotted, attempted to run, however Reed fully extended her selfie stick and went to town in a manner you could best describe as, “Oh my god humans shouldn’t make that sound, someone call the medics.” When all was said and done Larr had to be hospitalized, suffering from lacerations to the face caused by a shattered iPhone screen. She was released into police custody early Saturday morning and her lawyers have released a statement, “Ms. Larr suffered from a mental breakdown due to the amount of selfies Ms. Reed was posting to Instagram. The frequency with which they were being posted allowed Ms. Larr to memorize Ms. Reeds’ schedule. We have subpoenaed the Instagram account and intend to use it as evidence to the duress that our client was under.” The prosecution is confident that the insanity plea won’t work considering Larr is a woman of color, “and let’s face it, the insanity plea only works if you’re a white guy who shot up a movie theatre.” Despite the uncouth joke, the prosecution has a point, however the trial may never happen. Reed is considering dropping all charges as long as Larr buys her a new selfie stick to replace the one she broke with her face. The only condition is that it can’t be one of the cheap selfie sticks from Rue 21 that you have to set your phone on a timer for, those are so tacky and we all hate them. In the aftermath of the attack it’s surprising how lucky Reed actually was. According to the world’s premier selfie stick engineer, had the stick been angled more towards the cleavage and less towards the face Reed would have surely received a knife to the throat. “It’s honestly a miracle and a testament to the importance of my work, that Ms. Reed is here today. Thank God for Instagram and thank God for slut shaming.” Reed seems to be handling the near death experience extremely well considering she totaled her iPhone in the incident. She’s lost nearly 200 followers on Instagram since the destruction of her phone due to the lack of content she has been able to put up. While the attack increased her fame through traditional media she is unable to bask in the glory of numeric validation of her worth and for that The Black Sheep is truly sorry.

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WHO WILL IT BE?!

THE TOP SIX

PICKUP LINES TO SCORE AN OLE MISS MISSUS If you’re lonely and want to turn things around this school year then look no further. Seriously, don’t stop looking right here. DON’T LEAVE.

OLE MISS CHANCELLOR SEARCH PROCESS REVEALED Evan Myers wrote this

An insider revealed to The Black Sheep how the search committee is determining the next chancellor of Ole Miss. As it turns out, rather than actually interviewing qualified candidates, the board is using three completely unrelated contests to narrow the search for them. The winners of these contests will be considered for the position. The Winner of American Idol: As most students were spending their summer on a beaches covered in crushed beer bottles and dirty needles, they were probably unaware that the American Idol bus posted up in front of the Student Union. Locals emerged from the northern Mississippi wilderness in search of fame and fortune. The research committee is considering offering the permanent position to the contestant that finishes first. Our insider assured us that the committee would “Beg the winner to take the gig, whether or not they even tried out at the Ole Miss auditions. They desperately want a winner.” Proven winners would benefit the university greatly. Winners are great. Winners win. When pressed further, the leaker wouldn’t rule out one of the judges or even host Ryan Seacrest. “Most of the board loves the show. Honestly we’d take an inebriated Paula Abdul.” The Winner of The Donald Trump Shit Show Program: Assuming King Obama peacefully relinquishes power, America is forced to sit someone on the throne so as not to anger the Gods. On one side of this process, the Republican Party is deciding which lizard person will replace him. Candidates such as Scott “Darth” Walker, Ted the Cruz Missile, Carly “Fortune Fifty” Fiorina, and George Bush The Third are all vying for the Republican Party nominee. But the fact is that attention whore Donald Trump appears to be the shoo-in for the nomination. The sneaky weasel we paid to recover this information for our readers explained that “If Donald Trump wins the nomination, expect Ole Miss to be the first place to offer him a job when he loses the election to Hillary Clinton.” Whispers around the beltway seem to say that noted Republican Caitlyn Jenner is the likely vice presidential candidate for a President Trump run. A Jenner appearance on the ticket would make Ole Miss look tolerant as shit. “Trump will reveal that this election was just a big ruse to film his new reality show, Don and Cait: Super Straight, and we think his ratings would be a huge hit for the university’s reputation. That bombastic personality would really help with attracting smart and luxurious students. This school needs brain,” said our surprisingly articulate weasel. The Winner of Homeless Fight Night: Every Thursday evening a wonderful event takes place behind Old Venice Pizza. Homeless individuals are allowed to stay out past their curfew and sign up for the massive brawl between themselves and anyone else that feels the need to attack homeless people. A large circle is formed while various weapons, mostly broken glass and ripped condoms, are tossed in. The contestants then beat the living shit out of each other until only one remains conscious in the circle. The dirty rat bastard that leaked us the detailed information explained that “the search committee doesn’t really want a homeless brawler as the next chancellor, but honestly we don’t have much of a choice. American Idol won’t call us back and Trump just sends us snaps of piles of money on fire or him punching kittens. A homeless champion brawler would set a positive tone for the university going forward.”

Here at The Black Sheep, we know just how to use our silver tongues to get you the boo thang you didn’t even realize you were lusting after. So go out and use these sweet lil’ somethin’ somethins’ to get a date, or maybe even just laid. We don’t judge. Feel free to adapt this to your own skill set, or lack thereof and definitely don’t be afraid to throw in a flirty wink with any of these, killer. “I don’t need a protractor to bend you at the right angle.” This would work pretty well in a math class. Plus, then you’ll know the person of interest is at least kinda smart. Well, maybe. At least she can get a little freaky with numbers and we all know how sexy numbers are. Yeah, we’re looking right at you 5. “Want to get together and study anatomy using the Braille system?” This would be great for any of you pre-med hotties out there, assuming you still remember what free time and socializing are. On the other hand though if you’re premed and can’t at least score a potential gold digger, then maybe you’re beyond our help. “Hey girl, are you a land shark? ‘Cause you got my fin up.” Now this is more advanced. Obviously, this is going to produce maximum results, so only use this if you’re wanting something long-term. This would work on someone oozing with Rebel pride, like a cheerleader or Chick-fil-A employee. “That Grove dress is great, but I think you could use a pearl necklace.” This is for those elegant Oxford women that are only seen with ballers. She’ll be so excited that you complimented her outfit that she slaps you. A slap of seduction, that is. “I’d love to hear your sounds to my fury.” For those literature buffs out there, give this one a try. If you want that hip, bookish type this is bound to work. Together you can reenact weird things you get off Avatar: The Last Airbender fan fic, you big weirdos. “Damn girl is your name Sally McDonnell-Barksdale, because I would be honored to get into your building.” So, this could be perfect to use on a freshman. The names of all the buildings are fresh in their minds, and odds are they want acceptance. It can be from anyone or anywhere, just please accept them and love them. They really miss their parents. Fingers crossed they live in a coed dorm. There you have it, the key to finding true love. We’d say there’s a 100% success rate, but we have no way of knowing that. Besides, we all know women play hard to get. That’s why they may look oﬀended and walk away at first. If these worked for you then let us know. Please, please let us know. We’re so, so alone. Single for Life wrote this

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

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ON THE STREETS

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A 4.0? SEAN BREGAR

“Play Video games and hope.”

TREY BALLARD

“Pray to my non-existent god.”

NATHAN RUNNELS

“I draw the line at anything more demeaning than this interview.”

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

DELINQUENCY, BACKPEDALLING, AND YOU Unmarked Bills wrote this

Let’s run through a few methods of backpedalling: Arrive early and sit on the front row: This is pretty straightforward and requires minimal effort on your part. Set your alarm 15 minutes early and plop your ass dead-center for that enthralling lecture on early Roman cuisine. We all know it’s bullshit, professor included, but that you put in the effort to show up for this bullshit early enough to get a front row seat to it will mean the world to your selfobsessed professor. Granted, you’ll need to repeat this throughout most of the semester for it to actually help.

Get ‘em dirty and on your side: Given that you’re so poor you may as well be majoring in a life of debt, this probably seems out of reach for most of you. Wrong! Try bribing them with cleaning their house or raking their yard. Everyone loves a good raking. If that doesn’t take, you can always break into their home and spread out on their bed in all of your naked glory for an illicit selfie shoot. Hire a stand-in: Before you start yelling at an inanimate paper that it’s impossible, sit down and watch the underrated Bruce Willis film Surrogate. You can make your surrogate like, hella smart and shit. Plus, you finally have a use for that mountain of clothes with Ole Miss plastered all over them

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lose the smoke, find the flavor

every single relative gets you every single Christmas as if you’re nothing to them but an Ole Miss student. Not a human being, just their red and blue proxy for them to live through. Yeah, this will totally work. Coerced relocation: You’re probably wondering what coerced relocation means. Well, it definitely, absolutely doesn’t mean kidnapping. That would be absurd and totally illogical. Just because a person has decided that there’s no chance in hell that you’ll pass the class doesn’t mean you should give them a blindfolded ride to an

abandoned building far down North Lamar. You also shouldn’t keep them in a pitch-black room and loop Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” until they either agree to pass you or have a mental break down that renders them useless to the university, requiring they be replaced. Five foolproof ways to recover from stumbling into the first day of class reeking of “incense” and last night’s challenge to buy every $2 pitcher Frank & Marlee’s has and then finish them before the last one warms from the not at all deadly Oxford August heat. You’ll be getting straight Cs in no time.

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Here’s an apple: What better way to show that you actually do care about not only your wellbeing but also theirs than to present your professor with an apple? Just one a day reduces one’s need for medical attention by approximately 100%, so you’ve essentially just given your educator the fountain of youth in the form of a crisp apple. Make sure to avoid Granny Smiths though. No one likes a Granny Smith.

OPEN LATE

You’re only a few days into the semester and you’ve already given your professor the impression that you’re a binge-drinking, substance-abusing (Ole Miss) Rebel. While honesty is typically the best policy, it’s usually not the case with those in charge of dispensing your grades. Luckily The Black Sheep are damn near professionals at recovering from painfully accurate impressions.

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The Horoscope: Your Sign as a Potato

Have you ever wondered what form of potato coincides with your astrological sign? Yes? Well then today’s your lucky day, because The Black Sheep has created a potato-themed horoscope for your week! You can thank us later. ARIES — SMILEY-FACE FRIES: Aries has an affinity for all things 90s and 00s, and has probably never missed a Tuesday at the bar. They are just the right level of crispy, and are really fun at parties. Keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled for a love interest coming your way this week. TAURUS — THE MASHED POTATO: A Taurus wears many hats - butter, chives, bacon bits, you name it. Their classic nature makes them consistently successful, and a good pairing for most other foods. Err...people. Pay especially close attention to detail on the 20th, and remember the old saying: measure twice, mash once. GEMINI — THAT ONE CURLY FRY IN YOUR REGULAR FRIES: Aka probably the best potato-related thing that can happen to you. You are full of unexpected surprises and never fail to make others smile. Their unique nature makes them stand apart from the crowd. Keep on the lookout for a price drop in that thing you’ve had your eye on around the 25th. CANCER — CHEESY POTATOES: This person is a main course masquerading as a side dish. They’re a little off the beaten path, and take longer to warm up, but in the end, they’re completely worth it. The kind of cheese depends on the person, but usually they tend to stick with the classics. Get ready to dazzle your friends at a barbeque around the 28th.

LEO — WAFFLE FRIES: The perfect pair to almost any meal, the Leo is as friendly as they come. Others get excited when they hear a Leo is coming to their dinner party, and some may cancel plans just to go. Leos are especially great with little kids, but are loved by people of all ages. Keep an eye out for a hot chick(en) on the 25th. VIRGO — THE SWEET POTATO: The name says it all. The sweet nature and mild flavor of a Virgo instantly attracts everyone around them, but some are more attracted than others. Virgos are also the least salty out of all the signs, literally and figuratively. Get ready for a big opportunity coming your way on the 30th. LIBRA — MCDONALD’S FRIES: The scales of the Libra are perfectly balanced between salty and soft. They strike harmony in the golden brown outside and squishy inside. Make sure they aren’t salty, and they’ll be much warmer. Have lunch with a close friend on the 24th, they’ll want to ketchup with you. SCORPIO — ROASTED POTATOES: Probably the closest a potato can get to being “badass,” like Scorpios are known to be. They’re lean, they’re mean, and they go great with a side of steak. A Scorpio should be on the lookout for a big change coming sometime this week - and accept it cause it’s awesome.

SAGITTARIUS — HASH BROWNS: You either love a Sagittarius, or you hate them. They’re kinda stringy and crispy...and to be honest, the word Sagittarius just reminded me of spaghetti squash and that’s the only reason why they’re hash browns. Look for a healthy dinner alternative on the 27th. CAPRICORN — HOME FRIES: A classic form of potato and a funny nickname for your friends all rolled into one. Capricorns are notorious for being the unsung hero. They are the backbone of many things, yet are often overlooked. Prepare to shine in the spotlight on the 22nd this week. AQUARIUS — POTATO CAKES: Hearty and filling, the Aquarius is usually a lot to handle all at once. Your bold flavor and easy recipe draw similar people towards you. Usually Irish people. Prepare for good news around the 21st. PISCES – CHIPS: What goes together better than fish and chips? And yes, we mean fries, not actual chips. Pisces are a little exotic, but still a classic at the same time. Not one to be messed with, Pisces stick around for good. Expect a visit from a far away friend around the 24th.

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OXFORD’S MYSTERY: THE DOWNSTAIRS BAR The Downstairs Bar. A name that carries more mystery than the true identity of Shakespeare and treasure of D.B. Cooper combined. After months of attempting to reach out to the owner for an interview, The Black Sheep made contact. 3 a.m. Wednesday morning the phone rings. The number is private. Before being given a chance to speak, a voice gives us instructions. We are to stand outside the courthouse facing city hall Thursday at exactly nine minutes past midnight. We arrive promptly to our meeting location. Not a second past 12:09 a blacked out SUV pulls in front of us. Three masked men step out and we are blindfolded with a silk cloth. We’re placed in the car and driven for what seems like 30 minutes before parking. They escort us into a building and are seated in a booth. The silk cloth is removed and before us sits The Bull, the owner of the Downstairs Bar. The Bull is dressed in a black suit. His face is hidden behind a black ski mask and matching cowboy hat. In his hand is a snubnose revolver, the way he handles it leaves us unsure if it is loaded. He welcomes us to his bar, asking if we would care for anything. Uncertain of what we would like he has a waiter bring out two grilled cheese, the likes of which are incomparable to any food in Oxford, and two drinks. We start out asking the obvious question. Why did he create this bar that, seemingly, is unsure of its own place in time?

“It’s the drink of the artist,” explains The Bull. “In France there is something known as the green hour. It’s when artists will gather and drink absinthe. Given the history of this building we very much want to facilitate an atmosphere for that type of crowd, the artistic crowd.” We ask him to clarify what he means by the history of this building. “This is where William Faulkner first delivered his manuscript for The Sound and the Fury,” says The Bull. “He would send his manuscripts out to publishers through his connections with the owners of this establishment. Truly, our corner of the universe helped give birth to one of history’s most accomplished authors. As such, a booth is always reserved for William to relax and enjoy his Four Roses.” This dates the building back over half a century.

“I enjoy Jazz and old movies,” says The Bull. “I wanted to create a sanctuary for my interests and kindred spirits.”

“This iteration began in 1907, though the bar has always been here, it’s a matter of it reveals itself to you,” says The Bull. “To be fair, this bar grew and formed organically. I was only here to assist in its formative process.”

Looking around we notice the patrons of this establishment are all dressed in quasi-formal attire. Noticing our gaze, he explains.

Looking at the clock we realize two hours have passed since sitting down. We neede to get this to print. We thank him for his time and allowing us into this place of solace.

“We have a dress code here,” says The Bull, “a reasonable one: remove your hat, have a collar on your shirt, and please keep your sandals at home. I’m glad to see you came dressed appropriately.”

“No, thank you,” says The Bull. “I hope now you understand why we are here.”

In addition to the mystique that follows The Downstairs Bar, it is also known as an establishment that serves absinthe.

The Bull finishes his drink and whistles. The same two figures approach the table and wrap the silk cloths around our eyes again. We are placed in what we assume to be the same SUV and were driven back to the courthouse. We are let out and before we have a chance to remove the blindfold the SUV has already sped away. Making our way home, we could only hope The Downstairs Bar would reveal itself to us soon enough.

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SNAP US! (not your junk)

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SPECIAL NIGHT

Trivia Crack Tuesday! 1/2 off drink order if answer trivia crack question correctly

Margarita Monday! 2 for 1 Margarita, 2 for 1 Burger

Bottle Service! Buy 2 Bottles, Get 1 Free!

Ladies Night! 2 for 1 Wine, $3 Pints

Hourly Specials

Saturday

Build Your Own Bloody Mary Bar 2 for 1 Champagne Sparklers All Day 1/2 priced Artist Martinis

Bottle Service! Buy 2 Bottles, Get 1 Free!

Hourly Specials

Sunday

Build Your Own Bloody Mary Bar (11-7) 1/2 Off House Wine, Domestics, Champagne Sparklers and Bellinis

Open on Sundays!

Open for brunch! 10 AM-2 PM: $4 Bloody Mary, $3 Mimosa

1/2 Price Specialty Martinis & Cocktails

Margarita Monday! 2 for 1 Margarita, 2 for 1 Burger

Trivia Crack Tuesday! 1/2 off drink order if answer trivia crack question correctly

â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Tini Tuesday! $5 Martinis $2 Domestic, 2 for 1 Burger

Wine Night! Half Off Wine & Champagne

3 for 1 Wells $2 Domestic, 2 for 1 Burger

Thursday Friday

Monday Tuesday Wednesday

Whiskey Wednesday! 3-for-1 Well Whiskey, $5 Bombs

Happy Hour 3 - 7: $1 Off Everything! After 7: Ladies Night & 2-for-1 House Wine

Happy Hour 3 - 7: $1 Off Everything! After 7: 2-for-1 Wells

Happy Hour 3 - 7: $1 Off Everything! After 7: $3 Wells

Happy Hour 3 - 7: $1 Off Everything! After 7: Tini Tuesday! 1/2 Price Martinis Happy Hour 3 - 7: $1 Off Everything! After 7: Whiskey Wednesday! 3-for1 Well Whiskey, $5 Bombs

SNAP US! (not your junk)

BlackSheep_OM THE BAR GRID

8 - 10:30pm: 2-for-1 Wells Happy Hour: 3-8pm $10 Burger and Bottomless Beer $1 off all alcohol

MONDAY - FRIDAY: 4 PM-7 PM: Happy Hour $1 off everything, $1 PBR and $1 Natty Light

1/2 Price Apps, $3 Wells 4 PM-7 PM: Happy Hour $1 off everything, $1 PBR and $1 Natty Light

Happy Hour: 3-8pm 25Â˘ Wings $1 off all alcohol

HAPPY HOUR 3-7PM: $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off All Calls

4 PM-7 PM: Happy Hour $1 off everything, $1 PBR and $1 Natty Light

$8 Brew-N-Q BBQ Sandwich/Fries & Domestic Beer HAPPY HOUR 3-7PM: $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off All Calls

Friday

8 - 10pm: $1 Domestics with Shooter 4 PM-7 PM: Happy Hour $1.50 High Life and $3 Margaritas

HAPPY HOUR 3-7PM EVERYDAY: $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off All Calls

Thursday

4 PM-7 PM: HAPPY HOUR $1.50 HIGH LIFE AND $3 MARGARITAS

Welfare Wednesday: 8-11pm $2 Wells, $1 Drafts

SPECIAL NIGHT

Two for Tuesday 50% off domestics, house wine and wells

Happy Hour: 3-8pm $1 Levee Tacos $1 off all alcohol

$2 Domestics and $4 Wells from 11-7PM

Saturday

Closed

Sunday

4 PM-7 PM: Happy Hour $1.50 High Life and $3 Margaritas

Happy Hour: 3-8pm 2-for-1 Appetizers, $1 off all alcohol Welfare Wednesday: 8-11pm $2 Wells, $1 Drafts Happy Hour: 3-8pm $5 Chicken Finger Basket and Fries $3 Well Whiskey, $1 off all alcohol

HAPPY HOUR 3-7PM: $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off All Calls

4 PM-7 PM: Happy Hour $1 off everything, $1 PBR and $1 Natty Light

1/2 Price Quesadillas $2 Wine 7-10PM HAPPY HOUR 3-7PM: $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off All Calls

4 PM-7 PM: Happy Hour $1 off everything, $1 PBR and $1 Natty Light

Any 2 Sandwiches for $10 Ladies Night: $3 Wells, $2 Domestics HAPPY HOUR 3-7PM: $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off All Calls

Wednesday

4 PM-7 PM: Happy Hour $1.50 High Life and $3 Margaritas

8pm - 10pm: $1 Domestics with Shooter

$3 Off Food, $2 Domestics 7-10PM

Tuesday

Two for Tuesday 50% off domestics, house wine and wells

Happy Hour: 3-8pm 2-for-1 Spicy Chicken Sandwiches $1 off all alcohol

4 PM-7 PM: Happy Hour $1 off everything, $1 PBR and $1 Natty Light

Monday

8pm - 12am: $2 Pitchers

WHEREVER YOU NEED TO GO,

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BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

CATHERINE AT ROOSTER’S

Relationship Status: Single Major: Marketing Favorite Drink: Yellow Hammer Favorite Shot: Grey Goose Disgusting Drink: Marine Killer What’s going to be all the drinkin’ rage this school year?: Powdered alcohol. Where’s the best place for a sneaky makeout sesh in Rooster’s?: The back stairway. What’s the best thing that happened to you this summer?: My puppy! What’s something you

wish someone told you when you were a freshman?: Close out your tab. Which 2 swear words are best put together?: ShitFuck. What is the laziest way to avoid the freshman 15?: Spend money on alcohol instead of food. What is the spirit animal of your most sexual fantasy?: A unicorn. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Find out the best far specials.

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FRESHMAN 15 SHOTS

FIRST DAY ON YOUR OWN CASSEROLE

With school starting up again, it’s important to get focused but even more important to focus on getting your tolerance back to an acceptable level. This game is sure to give your liver a warm welcome back to campus.

Mommy and Daddy drop you oﬀ at school and hightail it outta there before you can change your mind, now what do you do? Forget the ramen, you can make something just like grandma used to make—after she became old and senile and tried feeding you raccoon for Thanksgiving.

What You’ll Need: A good ol’ handle of Burnett’s, a flask, and plenty of perseverance. Number of Players: You and all your closest friends who you haven’t seen all summer.

What You’ll Need: A casserole dish, (Who are we kidding? You’re not Martha Stewart) or some sort of pot—the baking kind. No, no, the kind you put in the oven. Also, whatever food you can scrounge up for free during Syllabus Week. Probably Papa John’s and whatever else. We used two slices of pizza and a box of fried rice a hobo generously offered us.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be missing class the next day because of the hangover.

Fatty Factor: 1000% of your daily-recommended value.

How to Play: - Take a shot for all the ambulances you hear called on the freshmen that can’t hang. - For every icebreaker in your classes, take a shot. - Every time you step around puke on the sidewalk, drink to that. - When you see the herds of students wearing lanyards around their neck, take a shot and try not to strangle them with their makeshift noose. - If somebody asks you for directions, take a shot and appreciate the fact you look like you know your way around this place. - If somebody asks to borrow your ID for the bars, take a long drink and deny them every time.

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. - Take the pot and gently place it on a flat surface. - Throw all the ingredients into the pot so violently that they selfcombine. - Sprinkle a hefty helping of salt for “flavor.” - Wait a certain amount of time, you decide. - Carefully remove from oven. - Divide into enough portions to last the entire semester. - Call Mom and cry.

The Game Ends When: You realize you have to stumble to your next class, whatever the hell that might be.

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a ladie’s guide to living situations (lessons yo mama didn’t teach you...)

HOW TO: ASSERT DOMINANCE OVER YOUR ROOMMATE

5 DISCREET WAYS TO TELL YOUR MAN YOU’RE TAKING A GIANT POOP

College is a time to reinvent yourself, to turn the person you were in high school to the person your future self will regret being. No matter who you were in high school, there’s one person everyone wants to be in college: the top dorm dog. That’s right, we’re talking the alpha roommate. The alpha roommate is the cool roommate, the roommate in charge, the roommate who calls all the shots and takes shit from nobody. Most importantly, the alpha roommate is not the beta roommate, the submissive roommate, the roommate who only calls their mother and takes shit from everybody, especially their mother. It’s decision time; which one will you be? There can only be one alpha, and here’s how to make sure it’s you.

For us ladies, some things are uncomfortable to talk about with your man, especially when you two are first getting to know each other. Perhaps the most essential and unavoidable topic is pooping. Yes, even classy ladies fart and poop. But it’s okay, because The Black Sheep’s here to help deal will this issue. By following these 5 easy steps, this embarrassing topic will be easy to handle and become a great test of your relationship!

Ask your roommate what their door keycode is and then secretly switch keys: This move says “You only live here because I allow you to live here.” It may seem like a fun little accident at first, but they’ll soon realize they have a door to go through before they can get through their room door, and that first door is you. Organize a hall hangout and tell everyone that your roommate rudely blew off your invitation, even though you never invited them in the first place: There’s power in numbers, so make sure the numbers are on your side. Everyone in your hall will inevitably pick favorites, so you need to make sure you’re the chosen one. Your roommate won’t be able to defend themselves from taking the blame for every horrific shit taken in the hall bathrooms because they won’t be there when you start that rumor. Is your hall a safe, welcoming place for your roommate? Absolutely! But only because you let it be, for now. Do everything you possibly can in your room: Homework, calisthenics, your next door neighbor, etc… Your roommate needs to know that this is your space, not theirs. The more time you spend in there, the better, and the more impractical ways you spend your time in there, the best. Anyone else would find the gym a better place to go swimming, but you’ll take nothing less than a kiddy pool in the middle of your dorm. Keep the music down because your roommate’s trying to sleep? More like coordinate your sleeping habits to adhere to my 5 a.m. music time habits. Buy a lounge chair, position it in front of the door, and wait in the darkness: This will seem creepy at first, but eventually they’ll get used to it. They’ll even learn to expect it, which will work to your benefit. Next time they’re considering bringing home a random conquest and forcing you into sexile, they’ll have to first consider if they want to risk bringing the ultimate cockblock into play. You know what scares away random hookups? Roommates who sit in the darkness for who knows how long, waiting for you to come home. Let them know you had a previously arranged roommate that backed out at the last minute (even if you didn’t): This one’s to make sure they know who’s the reacher (them) and the settler (you). You had other, more preferable options that unfortunately didn’t work out in the end. Nonetheless, if they had, you would have chosen said original roommate over your now current roommate in a heartbeat. You’re the roommate prize, and they need to know you’ll expect certain behavior if they want to keep the luxury of living with you. Nothing takes away confidence like knowing you’re someone’s second choice, and you know who lacks confidence? Beta roommates. So you’re now equipped to sociopathically manipulate the living daylights out of your brand new living buddy, but why stop there? Manipulate your classmates, manipulate your professor, try out arson for a while and see if it’s for you! Sociopathy is a winding adventurous road; how far will you take it?

5.) Everyone Poops: Just man up and say you’re taking a shit, because if he doesn’t like it you should dump his ass anyway. If you’re new to the relationship or a bit timid, give him the book entitled Everyone Poops, or play the YouTube version of Morgan Freeman reading it. Let’s be honest, no human can resist Morgan Freeman’s sweet, sultry voice. 4.) Before you lay the wood, I’ve gotta lay mine: Sexual innuendos are perhaps the best way to un-awkwardify a situation. We’re all dirty, filthy people on the inside and our love for sex is one thing everyone has in common. If you say this line, preferably before morning sex, it is a guarantee that your man will at least crack a smile and maybe even not completely understand what it means. The end result will benefit you both. 3.) Selfies: Tell your man you’re going to the bathroom to keep all your various social media accounts presh. Everyone knows that bathrooms have the best lighting anyway—where else does the light perfectly fall upon your cheek bones?! On a side note, if you end up taking a while, he’ll understand your need to bless your followers on #SelfieSunday. 2.) Write It Out: Another fine possibility is to spell out “I’m pooping” on the bed with books or roses, because at the end of the day you’re a lady and dammit you’re romantic. Or leave anonymous Post-it notes around the house that lead him directly to you. These Post-it notes can say anything you’re feeling. Topics include but are not limited to: “I’m dropping the kids off at the pool,”“taking a deposit to the bank,”“defecating,” and “filling the peanut butter jar.” He’ll love playing this fun little game while enhancing his vocabulary! 1.) Music: Ahhh, sweet song lyrics have always best summed up and described life’s most awkward, painful, saddest and funniest moments. There is no better way than to sing, “Let Me Poop” to the tune of Disney’s infamous Frozen. If you don’t like Frozen, you can always come up with a rap, preferably while you’re on the toilet, leaving him impressed. There’s no doubt he’s going to want to wife you up after that. By following one or all of these ways to secretly tell your man you’re taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, you’ll not only breakthrough that awkward barrier of poop and non-poop talk, but who knows where your relationship could go from here. The first step in all successful relationships is to be comfortable with and around pooping and farting. So congratulations, because we all know couples that talk about poop, stay together.

The Black Sheep’s

Definitive Guide to D.A.D.S. (Day After Drinking Shits)

The variance and veracity of man’s bowel movements after a night of drinking has been a problem that’s plagued our species since the dawn of Saturday mornings. Right up there with life’s most pressing questions — Are we alone in this universe? Is there long-term, tangible meaning to all this?— lies the question Does my butthole sting because a big poop physically ripped it open or is it so toxic that it’s merely an acidic burn? Well, wonder no longer, dear readers, for The Black Sheep dares to take you on an adventure do identify the behavior and cause of 7 different types of DADS. - Quinn wrote this

liquid fire

All morning your butthole has felt pressure building behind it, not unlike holding your thumb over the end of an angry hose. When If you finally reach the bathroom in time, the result is what the male species can only assume what peeing out of a vagina feels like. Only, you know, out your butts. Cause: You drank a lot, and fast… also you probably forgot to eat dinner. Whoops! This fire hose of shit will come late the night-of or early the next morning, as your body is reacting quick and aggressively to flush everything out. 2 Steel Reserve 40s – food – body’s ability to absorb water + your intestines pulling liquid to flush the influx of toxins = liquid fire.

Dirtstar Supernova

Also known as the “Wine Cork,” the Dirtstar Supernova turns your butthole into an old civil war cannon, backed up with years of black powder, sediment, and dust in the basement of Fort Dumpter. Suddenly the cannonball comes blasting out surrounded by all that loose sediment. The fort walls are covered in black debris, and the cannon itself is a blown apart. You’ve got a real mess on your hands. Cause: The ethanol in alcohol revs up the intestines to push everything through quickly, leaving less time for colon to absorb water, which means watery stool. Plus, you must’ve had one already loaded in the chamber. As your body freaks out and floods the bowels, pressure builds behind that nicely-digested poop like a shaken up campaign bottle. Whatever you’re doing, you better find a bathroom fast, before your dirtstar supernovas inside your pants.

Ground Beefs

First, stick your tongue out, close your lips and make the snake tongue motion while pretending to blow out candles. Then imagine someone browned a pound of hamburger, dumped it in a gallon jug of water, shook it up, then sporadically forced 20-30oz of the watery chunk mix out of a turkey baster 10-250 times a day. In this scenario, the turkey baster is your tight lil’ buttonhole. Cause: At least you’ve got some solids now, but they’re disjointed and flooded.Unless you’ve been snacking on granola all night, the lack of fermented fiber in your bowels means you lack the “glue” that binds chunks of poo together, resulting in Ground Beefs.

Hot Snakes

Perhaps the most common type of DADS, the hot snakes are long, brown tubes that flitter out your butthole and coil around the toilet bowl with the fury of a thousand suns. Like your high school girlfriend, they’re thin ‘n windy. Cause: Hot Snakes form after a combination light beers and fatty foods are given enough time in the dehydration chamber that is your large intestine to solidify more than the prior DADS. However, as you’re gripping the toilet and adding an extra push to exorcise these demons, the extra strain causes your external anal sphincter (the doorway right before the exit) to contract, thus squeezing your poo like an angry toddler’s fist around a clump of Play-Doh.

Black Cement

Remember being a kid on the beach, making drip castles out of wet sand?This is the same thing, only instead of a beach you’re in a moist Subway bathroom, and instead of sand dripping out of your hand into a neat little castle, this is a warm, continuous stream ofgrainy shit being pushed out your whimpering butthole. Cause: Coupled with all the red wine you drank last night (sugary drinks containing fructose are hard to absorb, and result in soft serve), you’ve waited a long time to poop — maybe because you held it in while Brad took you to brunch. Brad, he’s so sweet~! So while Brad was blabbering on about his high school lacrosse bros, your large intestine was dehydrating and reabsorbing all that toxins in your wine poo. The plus side is the girls won’t hear you splatter the toilet with Ground Beefs, negative side is this shit don’t clean up real good…

Dark Matter

Dark Matter is the most dense, and therefore heaviest, substance in the universe. Much like your soul as you crushed a second Jimmy John’s sandwich at 3a.m. it’s black, thick, and dead inside. It sinks to the bottom of the bowl, prepped to pull the city’s plumbing system, then the universe, into a bottomless black hole of despair. Cause: You probably haven’t pooped all day, and that’s not good. The large intestine continues to absorb and recycle the shit in your poop, so the longer you’ve held onto this toxic poop, the worse you’ve felt. This leads to a very dense, very dark piece o’ poop in the bottom of your toilet bowl. That, or you’re a very healthy drunk eater and you just laid a high density, low-fat poo. But we’re going to gamble and go with the prior.

Joe ‘Splosion

Named after a dear friend of The Black Sheep, the Joe Splosion is when you go into the bathroom to alleviate your DADS, but end up doing double duty. You sit on the porcelain throne waiting to evacuate last night’s demons but nausea quickly demands your attention. The walls start to close in, and you opt to hop off the seat, unwiped, to press your temples against the cold tile floor and pray for death. But death doesn’t come, and now bile is spilling out both ends like a porcelain cherub spewing water in a pervert’s fountain. Cause: You just straight up went too hard last night, man, and now either nausea or the smell of your DADS is sending your body into a last ditch, all-out detox. You fucked up.

FUN FACTS: Alcohol’s Effect on Your Crap Factory STEP 1: Once that third shot of strawberry Burnett’s travels down your esophagus, the absorption of alcoholbegins in the stomach, where it starts to poison the cells and tissues of your digestive system. STEP 2: As the booze continues to the small intestine, the intestinal cells absorb the bulk of the alcohol. The toxicity causes these cells to lose their ability to absorb water (not good for not having diarrhea), and some cells even die! THEY’RE DEAD! STEP 3: Meanwhile, the enzymes your body normally releases to break down carbs in the small intestine FREAK OUT when it can’t handle the amount of carbs contained in 13 Bud Light Limes, and sort of just say “fuck it” and let all those carbs into the large intestine undigested. STEP 4: The cell injury and death leads to an outpouring of fluid from the intestinal lining, which is in turn poorly absorbed. Poorly absorbed liquid in the intestines? You probably smell what’s coming next. STEP 4: Somewhere in this process you’re shoving a shitload of grease and Jimmy John’s down your gullet in which your already-poisoned, hobbling large intestine is still trying to ferment all those carbs. It’s about here you’ll start farting. A lot. STEP 5: Your brain finally notices your body is being poisoned, and, literally, opens the floodgates to flush that poison out. The end result is large volume secretory diarrhea, the worst stripper name of all time. STEP 6: Your body continues to flush the bowels until the alcohol is detoxified and removed from the digestive system. So, the more you drank, the longer you can count on shitting yourself. The good news is, your body is well under way of detoxing itself by your second bout of D.A.D.S.

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