The Black Sheep FR
EE . th .. Lik an e ks all gi vin tho g se lef del to ic ver io s. us
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 11 11/15/12 -11/29/12
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A true History of the Egg Bowl barney thompson wrote this
While most know the Egg Bowl as nothing more than a football game between two rivals, few know the true reason as to why it holds such importance to each school. Long ago, before even the first keg stand, there was a battle, a battle that changed everything. No longer would Bulldogs roam the fields of Oxford. Never again would a Rebel set foot on the farms of Starkville. Every year at Thanksgiving, the Rebels and Bulldogs would share a table and feast on the delicacies of each other’s culture. The only rule was that each village would bring their own spirits. This rule was followed year after year, without even the slightest problem, until the Thanksgiving of 1877. The Rebels had been exceptionally prosperous that year, while the Bulldogs had suffered a hard winter and lost many of their cows. This created tension between the two villages, as the Bulldogs were stubbornly proud creatures and refused any help offered to them by the Rebels. The Rebels knew that the Bulldogs had little to bring to the feast on Thanksgiving Day, so they offered to prepare all the food and enough spirits to warm their furry bellies twice over. The Bulldogs took this as the ultimate insult, for what worth did a Bulldog have on this Earth if he could not even provide his own provisions for such an important holiday? This feeling rippled throughout the Bulldog community, and soon they were all in agreement that the Rebels must pay for such an insult to their honor. Soon the Bulldogs had put together a plan, they would hit the Rebels where it hurt - they would steal their mysterious sugar. The Bulldogs had often seen the Rebels consume this mysterious sugar before large parties or before they dove into day-long study sessions. Without their source of energy, the Rebels productivity would plummet, and soon the Rebels would know the woes of the Bulldogs’ long, cold winter. They would sneak into the barn that held their superpowered sugar and destroy it while the Rebels arrogantly slept in their beds.
The Bulldogs, while clean creatures, had a terrible habit of casual flatulence; their village could be smelled from miles away. Those farts would be the Bulldogs undoing. While busy loading up the super-sugar to their wagons, their attention drifted away from controlling their natural “exhaust.” The smell soon filled the Rebel’s entire village, blowing the Bulldogs cover. This is when the great battle of 1877 began.
The Bulldogs put together a top-notch task force of elite waddlers, they hardly even drooled, and began their journey to Oxford. With the wind on their side, the trek was made in surprisingly good time. The Bulldogs arrived at the Rebels’ village around midnight. Using the cover of night, they crept to the barn that held the Rebels’ white, powdered energy. This was where the mission became dangerous, while the Rebels were kind people, they did not take kindly to theft.
Though the Bulldogs were accustomed to casual flatulence, they had also mastered the art of tactical farting. The Rebels were aware of the Bulldogs’ battle tactics, so to avoid the use of harmful weapons on their once-friends, the Rebels lobbed egg after egg at them. Due to the stinging effect of the Bulldogs’ backdoor-release, the Rebels’ accuracy was less than perfect, causing them to burst some of the commandeered white powder bricks. Soon the air on the Bulldogs’ side of the battlefield was thick with the white sugar.
There's a riot goin' on! ...Or is there?
what’s inside
The Top Ten Thanksgiving Disasters
YOU GUYS WE MADE NATIONAL NEWS COME CHECK IT OU-... oh wait, never mind.
If your Thanksgiving Dinner lacks in food, booze, and football, see your self out of this country.
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Unaccustomed to the effects this super-sugar had on them, the Bulldogs sprinted through the Rebels’ village humping and head-butting anything in their path. Knowing that they could not defend themselves against these super-charged beasts, the Rebels took the defensive until their invaders had left - most likely to organize their homes in alphabetical order and polish their silverware. This attack on their village was the last straw for the Rebels, the Bulldogs’ stubborn pride was no excuse for such malicious actions. No longer were the Rebels and Bulldogs allied, from then until the end of time they would be sworn rivals. As time progressed their rivalry was displayed through many forms, the most recent being the Egg Bowl - in memorial to the Rebels non-violent use of eggs to defend their village.
bartender of the week Matt D. from McCarthy's Irish Pub hates his mom's meatloaf.
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4: from the streets
page 4
What would you have included in the original Thanksgiving Day feast?
page 8: The Drinking Game and Recipe for Disaster
Table of
Beer, meat, and cheese: the Thanksgiving trifecta
page 9: The Search & Find Can you find all the differences in the Pleasantville Thanksgiving?
page 10: Turkey Time What did your childhood hand-turkey say about you?
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word of the week Lamerick:
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What would you have included in the original Thanksgiving Day feast?
“Christmas music.” - Gretchen H., Freshman
“Hamburgers.” - Paige B., Junior
“Ducks and turtles… stuff you can catch.” - Eddie L., Freshman
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Thanksgiving Disasters
There’s a Riot Goin’ On! ...or is There? McKenzie wrote this Everyone all over the Atlantic seaboard is buzzing about these so-called riots at our campus after the 2012 election results rolled in. The story has been covered by local and national news because any time “Ole Miss” and “riot” are mentioned in the same sentence, the first thought is about the James Meredith race riots that occurred almost exactly fifty years ago. Add to the fact that the “riots” were about the first black President of the United States, and it makes for one juicy headline. Hell, this charade even got ESPN to talk about Ole Miss for once. But… Does it really count as a riot if it was just a few drunken frat boys acting like idiots? The best press quote comes from the CBSs news report that 400 students participated. Come on, the only way you could get 400 Ole Miss students to voluntarily participate in anything is to have an open bar. If you’ve seen the videos of the event, you can see that there were probably 150 to 200 people tops. These “rioters” included about 40 frat boys yelling “Hotty Toddy,” a drunk guy wearing an American flag, and a couple of pyromaniacs setting stuff on fire… Anyone else think this sounds like a pretty calm night on the Square? Now lets talk about the cause of this “riot.” Everyone knows that freshmen boys will use any excuse to get wasted. Ringing in each state’s closing polls with a whiskey shot is a drinking game that only comes along every four years. Then, there were those who went to The Levee or The Corner to drink as the results came in. Every frat boy thinks it's cool to be extremely Republican. Not the kind of Republican who actually knows the views and beliefs of the party,
but the kind who hangs a Confederate flag on every wall of their frat-castle in a vain attempt to reconnect with some vague notion of the past, completely ignoring the simple fact that the south used to be governed almost exclusively by Democrats. You can pick these sore losers out by the Romney/Ryan stickers on the back of their jacked-up truck, or by the Romney/Ryan t-shirt they wear when it’s laundry day. These boys don’t really care about politics. Their political views go as deep as their father’s rants about “Obama taking his hard-earned money.” To think that this event was about politics or race is truly a riot itself. What really happened is that some drunken idiot pulled the fire alarm in the dorm once the election was over. The evacuation accounts for about 150 of the “rioters” who joined their friends outside as people came in from the bars. So, now what are these boys going to do while they are waiting outside? What they do best of course, scream out “‘Merica!” and set something on fire. And hey, look, there’s an Obama/Biden poster… Someone get out your lighter! Then they get some other idiot to take a picture, because it would be a great image to have on their fraternity’s slideshow for next year’s rush. Now, anyone actually using bigoted language definitely deserves the scorn of Ole Miss, Oxford, and the nation. But being obnoxious about hating Obama is just fitting in with the good-ole Southern boy trend. Something they believe makes them “frat.” Now that’s a story we can actually believe.
We all know that Thanksgiving is kind of a bullshit holiday. A holiday without presents? That’s just un-American. On the other hand, it is nice to have a whole week off of school just for eating. Who doesn’t want to move up a pants size? But Thanksgiving dinner is like a fragile ecosystem, and there are a few things that can easily take it from hero to zero. 10.) You run out of food: For people who think the American pastime is baseball: You’re wrong. The American pastime is eating. Obesity is literally destroying our population. Case in point: we have a national holiday dedicated to overeating. Thanksgiving is basically the Olympics of eating, so if we ran out of food, the whole occasion would be ruined. 9.) You sit next to your racist aunt/uncle/grandparent: Why does everyone have one of these? There is always someone at Thanksgiving that’s determined to offend as many people as possible, and for some reason, they are attracted to you like a moth to a flame. Also, they shout every single thing they say. It’s like hearing loss is related to racism. 8.) Some asshole brings Brussels sprouts: Look, we get it. No one likes that they have to bring a dish to Thanksgiving dinner. It’s a stupid requirement. But bringing something gross just to spite everyone is unacceptable. Brussels sprouts shouldn’t even be classified as food, and no one should ever eat them ever. 7.) Native American ghosts crash the party: Thanksgiving is a pretty historical holiday. Many years ago, our brave forefathers wiped out/imprisoned an entire race of people, and now we eat turkey to celebrate that momentous occasion. One of these days, the ghosts of all of those people we slaughtered are going to figure out what’s going on and want to get in on that turkey action. It will be like a Halloween/Thanksgiving combo-pack. 6.) Everyone has to go around in a circle and say what they’re thankful for: Why don’t we all just hold hands and sing “Kumbaya” afterwards? We’re here for the FOOD, let’s not distract from it with a cheesy positive attitude. 5.) They cancel Black Friday: The only thing more important than the actual dinner part of Thanksgiving is the shopping part. Black Friday is one of the most important days of the year. Consumerism, y’all! How else can you get an iPad for $40? That’s like a million dollar discount for the Apple store. If they cancelled Black Friday, we would know that the world really is ending in 2012. 4.) The cable goes out: Watching television on Thanksgiving is basically a requirement. You start off with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, the only non-creepy parade of the entire year. Then, you watch football for an hour or nine, because this is America. Finally, you wrap up the day with one of the many Friends marathons. How are there 349587 Thanksgiving episodes of a show that only lasted for 10 seasons? 3.) You are Chandler Bing: Speaking of Friends, Chandler’s life was seriously depressing. In each of those 349588 (I forgot one) Thanksgiving episodes, something horrific happens to Chandler. Imagine getting your toe cut off on a holiday. The worst. 2.) Someone is a vegetarian or (worse) vegan: Tofurkey and turkey are not the same thing, and I will physically fight anyone who says otherwise. The whole point of the holiday is to eat an entire turkey in one sitting and then pass out from all the tryptophan. Don’t mess with perfection. 1.) No booze: This is a code-red disaster. Getting together with your entire family sober is actually a crime against nature. Unless you’re Amish or descended from Oliver Cromwell, you better have a glass of wine in your hand from dawn until dusk. Let’s be honest: At the end of the day, all we’re really thankful for is alcohol.
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THURS, 11/15
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bartender of the week Matt D. McCarthy’s Irish Pub Major: Marketing Favorite Drink: Jack on the rocks Favorite Shot: Fireball Worst Drink Ever: Anything with tequila. What Celeb Would You Most Like To Punch In The Face: Matt Ryan Worst Pick Up Line On The Job: “Wanna see what I can do with that ping pong ball?” Hottest Disney Princess: Jasmine Funniest Thing You’ve Seen On The Job: Someone trying to take a shot—missed their mouth and hit their face. What Dead Person Would You Most Want To Bring Back To Life: Coach Johnny Vaught Boxers Or Briefs? Thong Or Grannies: Boxers and thongs. What’s One Thing You Never Want Your Mom To Know About You: I hate when she cooks meatloaf.
the drinking game
Would You Rather Be A Ninja Turtle Or A Power Ranger: Ninja Turtle, for sure. Donatello. Can You Grow A Mustache: Of course. What man can’t? Who Would You Most Like To Have A Tickle Fight With: Megan Fox. Best Drink To Help Us Handle Our Families Over The Holidays: Jameson and Coffee. Who Was Your Favorite Cast Member Of Friends: Jennifer Aniston. Can You Tell Me What A Turducken Is: Absolutely not. What Is Your Least Favorite Movie: Dinner for Schmucks If You Had To Make A Drink In Honor Of This Year’s Ole Miss Football Team, What Would You Name It: Landshark punch. How Do You Feel About The Word “Moist:” How do you feel about it?
Recipe for Disaster
Blackout Friday
Meaty Fumble
Doesn’t going to the insanely crowded mall at 5 a.m. on Black Friday with every psychotic soccer mom in town sound like a hell of a good time? No, actually, it doesn’t. Going on a booze run, hitting up the mall around noon, and taking a swig every time some shopper does something nuts is so much better.
What’s better than some hot, cheesy, meaty dip to complement your favorite beer while watching your favorite football team? Nothing. Well, maybe a quickie during a commercial break, but that’s about it. Instead of letting all that meat and cheese go bad in your fridge and stink up your apartment, make a dip that will over-satisfy your produce and dairy cravings.
What You’ll Need: Beer or hard alcohol and something to conceal it in (unless you don’t mind those mall cops angrily chasing after you). Number of Players: In the spirit of the holidays, the more the merrier! Level of Intoxication: It’s called Blackout Friday…
What You’ll Need: One package of cream cheese, one container of sour cream, as much meat and cheese as you can handle, a cup of some type of chopped veggie topping (tomatoes or bell peppers are best), lettuce and a package of taco seasoning. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Oh, like you even care.
How To Play: Take a swig of booze every time… - You witness a fender bender in the parking lot. - You see some punk-ass kid get away with shoplifting something useless. - Two women get in a fight over the last item on the shelf. - A fed up sales associate quits after being hassled by crazies all morning. - You hear someone brag about how they have been shopping since 4 a.m. - You see a screaming child left in a shopping cart. - You see a boyfriend or husband that’s been stuck holding his woman’s purse. - You see someone frantically drinking Starbucks for more energy. Game Ends When: You’re too intoxicated to be in the mall any longer so you stumble to the nearest bar.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Combine cream cheese, sour cream, and taco seasoning. - Spread the mix at the bottom of a serving plate. - Take whatever meat you have in that nasty fridge of yours-- whether it’s pepperoni, ham, bologna, lamb chops, it doesn’t matter! Cover the mix with meat. - Take whatever cheese is in your fridge and cover the meat. - Make it somewhat healthy by adding a veggie topping and lettuce. - Sit back, relax, crack open an ice-cold beer, and shove you face with the meaty cheesy concoction. Make sure you are using fresh ingredients. You don’t want to vom from eating bad meat, you want to vom from eating too much good meat!
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the search & find
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it’s turkey time!
Remember those amazingly hideous hand drawn turkey’s we loved to draw as a child? You know, where you traced your hand on a piece of paper, used the brown crayon to color inside the lines, and maybe add a sloppy beak? Well we rounded up some of our favorite imaginary tikes to check out their drawings, varying in personalities from extremely talented to extremely worrisome. By: Brendan and Quinn
The Future Serial Killer
The Hardcore A.D.D. Kid
What You’re Seeing: A perfect storm. A child with no regard for the feelings of other living creatures, an open willingness to act on these desires, and a lack of understanding of their wrongdoing - all in cutesy turkey form.
What You’re Seeing: “Teacher says I have to draw a turkey but did you know about airplanes? They go fast and so do lizards I like snakes so sometimes I draw snakes and this swirl means this finger is actually a portal to—hey, do you know who the 13th president was? It was Millard Fillmore, his name sounds like a duck, which is actually a mallard with an ‘I,’ did you know some lizards have three eyes, well they do and…”
Initial Reaction: “Oh look, Billy made us a cute drawing! Let’s put it on the refrig —Billy, give mommy the band saw.” This Kid’s Future: As Billy begins to mature, so will his art. In junior high he’ll master the human skeletal system, and be able to accurately sketch the different parts of the human skull, frenetically letting anyone within earshot know, “that the human skull is actually made up of fourteen bones fused together—the pterion is its weakest part!” In high school Billy will discover American Psycho, learning to quote it from memory. As he moves on to college, students on campus start to disappear. One day police will knock politely on his door, hearing a low, “Come in…” emanate from the other side. When they enter Billy will be joyously sitting in a kiddie pool full of blood, watching reruns of Ancient Aliens, waiting patiently to spend the rest of his life in the slammer.
Initial Reaction: “Well Thomas, this certainly is…some things on a piece of paper. Here, have some pills.” This Kid’s Future: After diagnosis and proper medication Tom lives a relatively normal life void of manic highs and crushing lows. As Tom’s parents leave him at college he vows to figure out life for himself, and begins weaning himself off of his pills. Some days things are brighter than they’ve ever been—other times he can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. After a particularly crippling bout with self-loathing he decides to self-medicate with his roommate’s psychedelics stash, thus beginning a long-term love affair with the Grateful Dead. Eventually he starts following a Grateful Dead cover band around the country, drawing trippy caricatures of audience members for $5 a pop, or a hit of acid, whichever they prefer.
’
’
The Protege
What You’re Seeing: The genesis of genius. First, hand turkeys, then real turkeys, then jive turkeys, then the world! Initial Reaction: “Quick, are there any shady art schools that will accept hush money to get this kid into advanced classes like, right now?” This Kid’s Future: After Karen graduated from the Rhode Island School of Design at 16 she emancipated herself from her family to join a troupe of polyamorous artists on a voyage across the Sub-Saharan Africa. She changed her name from Karen to Sonoria, because that’s what her spirit sandwich told her to do. She finally ascends to the world’s stage in her early thirties, fulfilling her potential with the epic work, “We’re All the World’s Turkey,” in which she makes a statement on the globalization of genetically modified foods by duct taping rotten turkey carcasses to oversized globes. For this, she won a Nobel Prize.
The Early Puberty Little Asshole
The Refugee from a War-Torn Country
What You’re Seeing: Two weeks ago this kid discovered his little needle dick was capable of doing other things besides peeing. And now, the little bastard can’t get it out of his mind. Initial Reaction: “Wow you did a very nice job shading – wait a second… GET THAT DOWN FROM THE COCK I MEAN CORK BOARD NOW!” The Kid’s Future: He’ll grow taller than everyone in his class, and his mustache will sprout shortly after. Girls will be drawn to him, as he excels in youth football and isn’t shy to talk about his erection in public. He’ll start banging everything imaginable, from vacuums to pantyhose boxes to his grandma’s plastic couch. Nothing in the world matters anymore, sex becomes an obsession. In high school he gets into a habit of “hitting and quitting,” but since he entered the wonderful world of sexploration before being educated, he leaves a wake of disease yet to be encountered by mankind. You see, as he was humping away his adolescence, fungus combined from the couch, refrigerator, vacuum etc. into what will become the next Black Death. This kids is Patient Zero.
What You’re Seeing: This place has electricity and running water all the time? How does it get any better than this? Initial Reaction: “I’m—I’m crying because this is just so beautifully terrible!” This Kid’s Future: After getting the last flight out of Tripoli before shit really got real, Samir ended up living with his aunt and uncle as a refugee in the United States. His first Thanksgiving he’d never seen so much food—he’d swear he’d make the best life he could for him and his family. Years later he became a naturalized citizen, later becoming a outspoken community leader who really fuckin’ loves turkey.
The poor poor kid The fatty fat fat fat
The Kid Who Will Repeat Sixth Grade (Four Times)
What You’re Seeing: The wildest fantasies of a morbidly obese child come to life. This hand, with which I eat food, is now food? Initial Reaction: “Boy, take that paper out of your mouth. You know that’s not really food, right? The Kid’s Future: To ring in his 24th birthday Luther decided to hit up his local Taco Bell for their latest treat: The Cheesy Bacon Bean Bucket, 3,000 calories of maximum deliciousness. Exiting the store Luther began to sweat profusely, and he was forced to take a seat in the middle of the parking lot. Luckily, two paramedics in an ambulance were in the drive-thru lane, and they offered him their assistance. A brief jaunt to the hospital and several xrays later, it became apparent that young Luther would need extensive heart surgery to unblock some clogged arteries. He died during surgery. Luckily, his fatty body helped create some of the most delicious Soylent Green ever created.
What You’re Seeing: Hey, turkeys have eyes and mouths too, so this drawing isn’t all wrong, okay Picasso? Initial Reaction: “Sarah, this is a great drawing of…the Hamburger Helper mascot?” This Kid’s Future: At seventeen Sarah lost interest in the fate of Mr. Seuss’ green eggs and ham, so she decided to quit school, opting to try her hand in the workforce. After getting fired for trying to cook a steak in a tanning bed Sarah figured a life in the sex industry might be for her. She cashed her first paycheck from Brazzers -- which was for more money than she could count, literally—and she realized this was the life for her. After a few years of hardcore ATM, TAP, DA+DV, QLS, OFF and LRW she retired rich, happy and stupid to a trailer park in rural Alabama.
What You’re Seeing: “The assignment told us to use crayons but mom melted all our crayons and breathed in the smoke so I found some lead by the railroad, but then I lost my folder and it got lost in the grocery bag I use for a book bag. “ Initial Reaction: Well, he’s doing the best he can with what he’s given, but if his hand turkey is any indication of the turkey he’ll see on Thanksgiving, it looks like it’s going to be another year of Capri Suns and cigarettes for poor Jimmy. The Kid’s Future: Teachers will root for him as he does his best to attend as much school as he can. In high school he’ll drop out to take care of his younger siblings while logging a few online art classes at the local community college. Eventually he’ll knock up whatever else didn’t move on to college, instantly losing interest in each of his subsequent children. At one point his son will bring up a drawing of a turkey, but he’ll use it for a coffee coaster, telling Jimmy Junior all the turkeys are dead so they’re getting peanut butter for dinner again – but in the back of his mind he’ll remember his turkey, and how he too once dreamt of a career in art.
the classtime
madlib: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade 2130 1) Old person
“Hi there, and welcome to the 2130 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I’m your host, robo-__1__. I’m here with my beautiful co-host of a revived corpse, __2__! Say ‘hello!’”
“And look what we have here, __10__! A float for the 137th installment of __11__ franchise! According to my notes, in this laugh riot the gang travels to the __12__ of the __13__ in order to get __14__— “Hello to all our viewers out there!’ To who was convicted of trafficking __15__ think, just a little over 100 years ago, I was to the world’s most powerful country, too busy __3__ to even eat a Thanksgiv- __16__—back to __17__ in time to __18__ ing dinner, now I’m hosting the parade!” his __19__. It’s a surefire blast!” “Enough with the introductions __4__, “Now here comes a classic—the turkey let’s take a look at what this parade has balloon! As it turns onto 6th Avenue it— Oh…oh god! Oh god, no! The turkey has to offer!” burst into flames! It’s beyond belief! Be“First up today is the wonderful __5__ bal- yond imagination! I can see celebrity balloon! Can you believe the company chose loon handler __20__ running for her life. to brand themselves with a __6__? The She—she’s not going to make it! Peocompany really took a turn for the worse ple are taking shelter in the brand-new __7__ years ago, when founder __8__ re- __21__ Building! This is a day that will live in infamy. Oh, the humanity!” vealed that he’s actually a __9__.”
2) Troubled celebrity 3) Illegal activity 4) Same as #2 5) Company 6) Weird logo 7) Number 8) Company founder 9) Weird thing 10) Same as #1 11) Movie franchise 12) Geographic feature 13) City 14) Character in #11’s movie 15) Illegal item 16) Country 17) Different country 18) Verb 19) Noun 20) Current famous person 21) Current up-and-coming company
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