Ole Miss 1/22/15 Issue by The Black Sheep

Volume 8

The Black Sheep

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Issue 1

HOW TO NOT FAIL OUT OF OLE MISS,

AND STILL BE A REBEL Barney Thompson wrote this

Congratulations, you achieved the illustrious status of academic probation. You get to attend that rad-to-thebone EDHE class and go to study hall hours where you’re surrounded by people sleeping or otherwise spiraling ever faster towards the drain that is Northwest Community College. Now that your dreams have come true and you get to do mindless selfhelp busy work, it’s probably time to get your shit together. You really don’t want to flunk out of a university that is best known for looking pretty and consuming alcohol at cement truck volumes. This may seem like a daunting task because anything other than bingeing Call of Duty while HBO softcore plays in the background actually requires some effort. Have no fear though, you lovable slacker, we’re gonna whip you into a shape so awesome your friends are gonna be like, “Wow. Is that a parallelogram?” First thing’s first, put your junk away. Yes, the emotional rollercoaster that is The Notebook is a recipe for instant lady-boner, but it’s time to have some pride. And you, sir, Cathouse is not compelling reality TV, if that even exists, so sheathe the schlong. It really cannot be stressed enough how important this step is, it’s just

impossible to do any studying when your room reeks of shame and expired, clearance-shelf Vaseline. With genitalia fully covered you’re at least marginally decent, moving on to the next step, which is to be somewhat sober. While it is absolutely heroic to do a 10-minute presentation of the macroeconomics of the Irish Potato Famine while you’re drunk AF, it’s not going to get you the grade you’re looking for. Having a few drinks is fine if you can see the veiled the line between “a little buzzed” and “who puked in my pants?” Given you’re in the delinquent class, it’s safe to assume you don’t know where that line is and couldn’t find it with Marco Polo himself by your side. So, maybe a different, more sober approach is needed. At this point you’re probably asking, “But how do I amuse myself and keep face with all my cool substanceabusing friends?” Well, there’s a great trick to not drinking: club soda. Without a drink in your hand, you’re pretty much the lamest thing since Hitler’s art career, so just trick everyone into thinking you’re cool. Another plus is you get to see just how insane drunk people are. An ability that is impossible when you are also

an insane drunk person. While it can be effective to crack open your textbooks from the comfort of your room, it’s best to study in a place that’s uncomfortable as possible. This is going to take some creativity and knowledge of what kind of person you are. Perhaps it’s sitting in the

middle of that mini-Parthenon across from the library or maybe shoving a handful of marbles up your butt and running on a treadmill with your books propped open. Experiment a little; see what works and what doesn’t.

Compared to some places, Ole Miss isn’t all that tough of an academic challenge. You just have to put forth some effort, any effort, and you can float through the rest of the way on charisma and the occasional bribe. We’re kidding of course, you’re gonna have to do, like, a lot of bribing.

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PAGES 10-11

PAGES 13

TOP 10: WAYS TO LOSE THAT WINTER BREAK WEIGHT

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO THE OSCARS

COLE FROM FUNKY’S SURE DOES LIKE HIS WHISKEY.

IF YOU PUT LIGHT DRESSING ON EVERYTHING, IT MAKES IT ALL HEALTHIER, RIGHT?

WITH THIS GUIDE, YOU’LL SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO SPENT 20 HOURS WATCHING MOVIES.

JANUARY 22ND 2015 - FEBRUARY 4TH 2015

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PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

INCOMPEETENT The inability to pee in dorm bathrooms because, you know, performance anxiety, man.

ARIA ARIAL

I’m sorry I didn’t go when we were in the dorm, I was incompeetent! Hurry, help me find a bush.

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TRUE STORY

Kurt Busch’s Ex-Girlfriend’s Spy Partner Tells Us Spy Stuff Chaning Green wrote this

For the uninformed few of you, NASCAR is a sport that consists of cars with stickers for headlights going around in circles for like three hours. But in case you don’t get drunk and watch TV on Sundays we’re here to tell you the NASCAR news. NASCAR driver Kurt Busch’s ex-girlfriend Patricia Driscoll has filed several claims, basically insinuating he’s an abusive dirtbag. The story gets weird when Busch says, “No, it’s impossible for me to have beat her up. She is an international assassin.” He said that shit in court. He actually intended for other people to hear it. To find out what the hell is going on, The Black Sheep recently caught up with Driscoll’s side bitch/spy partner Evan Hunt. The Black Sheep: So Mr. Hunt, is Patricia a spy or nah? Evan Hunt: Psh. Duh. TBS: Do you have any more proof than that? EH: How is it not glaringly obvious to the rest of the world? Okay, so she works with the Armed

Forces Foundation and she is a consultant with Frontline Defense Systems, which is a security service that exclusively contracts with exmilitary peeps with intelligence experience. That is public knowledge available for free on the internet. TBS: And it says here that you and Driscoll did “tons of super secret spy stuff in the jungles of Columbia and in the jungles of our pants.” Is that correct? EH: Yeah, totes. Patricia and I did a bunch of gross stuff in hotel rooms. One time, we dismembered a drug lord and put him in a barrel of acid, Breaking Bad style. We 69ed while we waited for him to dissolve. It was so clutch. TBS: That didn’t really happen, did it Mr. Hunt? EH: I’m a motherf***ing spy. I do cool shit like that all the time. This one time, I used a zip line to rescue this sexy scientist chick that was working with some nanotechnology stuff. She was in a castle on an island. I got there on a speedboat. TBS: You just described the plotline of an

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episode from the first season of Young Justice. That wasn’t you Mr. Hunt. That was Red Arrow. EH: Where do you think spies get all their super cool spideas? Ha get it? SPIdeas. LOL that’s jokes we make. That’s spy humor. But yeah. Sometimes we get our assassin ideas from TV shows. Like, TV show people are super cool. Duh. TBS: What? There’s no way tha— Anyway, Tell us about your relationship with Ms. Driscoll.

TBS: So you’re telling us that Ms. Driscoll is definitely a spy and you two were in an illicit relationship while doing spy stuff.

EH: Well, she and I met at the spy academy and then we got assigned on stuff together and had super-secret spy sex all over the planet. We kinda slowed things down when she got with Kurt. She said since he was such a public figure that it would be hard get rid of him if she was compromised. She also said the dick was pretty bomb. And something about monogamy or something. I don’t remember.

EH: I guess you could say we went under covers. Ha! That was also the name of a show NBC tried to air a couple years back. It’s a shame that it didn’t work. They had such good spideas. But yeah, Patricia is totally a spy. Or she was. Since she brought up all this stuff in court and Kurt started pointing fingers, she’s probably been offed and replaced with a look-alike. We did that with Paul McCartney. Ha, they called him Faul McCartney. Look it up. That’s some real shit.

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PROS & CONS:

HOME VS. DORM Black Sheep Staff wrote this

explaining to them why you’re digging through the pantry like a savage at 3 a.m. Dorm Pros: You’re in the drunchies hub of Oxford. With a single phone call, you can have anything you can think of delivered to the lobby of your dorm. Mama may be pissed with those final grades you brought home, but you know who still loves you? Papa John. Cons: It’s dangerous to fall into a pattern of ordering the late-night junk food because it can be debilitating to your health and bank account. Not only that, you actually have to walk down a few flights of stairs to get the greasy goodness. Winner: DORM Oxford has more late night food places than any of our engineers can count, so you know it’s a lot. Plus, no one will wake you up in the morning and passive-aggressively comment on the pizza box, oregano, and red pepper foursome you had. HOOKING UP WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR Home Pros: You’ll have a way bigger bed and more room to maneuver. You also have the luxury of being able to be a good host and offering your hometown slam piece something other than water or ramen.

Returning home for winter break is always a mixed bag. While you’re always stoked to see your family at the expense of getting the hell away from finals week, there’s always that creeping itch to hightail it back to Oxford after two weeks of sharing your parents’ shitty, old taste in beer (Amstel Light? What am I, 50?). To set the record straight, we paired up the two living arrangements to see which is truly better: home or dorm. THE ABILITY TO GET DRUNCHIES Home Pros: You have a selection of fresh, gourmet food in your walk-in pantry and fridge. That five-cheese lasagna your mom made for dinner last night? All yours. That crisp, unopened bag of Doritos your parents picked up? Go crazy. You’re not paying for it. Cons: One wrong move or one chip bag that is just a bit too loud and your whole family wakes up and knows what’s up. Try

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Cons: Your parents are infinitely more likely to make some icy conversation when they’re stuck in a car with him on the way to Aunt Becky’s tomorrow. Dorm Pros: Nobody questions you unless you have roommates who need to know everything about your life. The only person you need to get past is security and that big bossman knows what’s going on anyway. Hell, he’s probably rooting for you. Cons: Anything that goes down in the bedroom will be spread like wildfire around your floor. What’s supposed to be a one night stand turns into your floormates envisioning

you getting married. And, you know, herpes jokes. Winner: DORM You don’t have an authority figure watching your every move, so you can shack up with some privacy. You also don’t have to worry about mentally scarring that curious little brother rummaging around at 2 a.m. MAKING A RUN FOR IT FROM THE SHOWER WITHOUT YOUR TOWEL Home Pros: Your parents’ hallway carpet is definitely better than your vomit-encrusted dorm floor. You’re going to be unseen unless your dad’s creepier than that freak down the hall. Cons: You could have an awkward encounter with Pops, leading to some weird dinner conversation. It was cute when you were three, but this is just… no. Dorm Pros: You get to practice streaking for when you actually do it across The Grove. It’s a trial run, so you’ve gotta’ make sure you perfect it in front of the people you live with first. Cons: You’re completely exposed at all times because every area in a dorm is shared space. Everybody in your hall will get a nice glance at your ass as you try to book it butt-naked to your room. Now you have marriage, herpes, and body image jokes going around. That’s a tall order for freshman year. Winner: HOME You have a way smaller chance of being seen by somebody, and you can gracefully make your way to your room without being too worried of exposing yourself to everyone around you. Plus, you’re all family in a weird, Texas Chainsaw Massacre sort of way. Dorm life, for all its tiny inconveniences, still beats the hell out of trying to do that whole “college” thing in a suburban split level. Stay in Oxford for this one, kids.

WE’RE ALL ADDICTS

THE TOP TEN creative WAYS

TO LOSE WEIGHT The Holidays are finally over and you know what that means: It’s time for commercials and unskippable YouTube ads to make you feel shitty about your body! Or if you’re a magical gym rats built like Captain America, it’s time to roll your eyes in exasperation as the noobs hog all the gym equipment. For those of you who are new to this whole “fitness” thing, The Black Sheep has put together a list of the top ten ways for Rebels to lose weight after the holidays.

THE BLACK SHEEP INVESTIGATES NEW HARMFUL DRUG:

NETFLIX Evan Myers wrote this

Spring semester has come to Oxford, giving returning students a new sense of hope. Grades remain untarnished by late homework, plagiarized papers and oversleeping. With this fresh new slate, many students planned on attempting the semester with optimism, goals, and other things they’ll eventually lose sight of. Despite these efforts, the results have not been successful. We spoke to Ted Riley, a freshman here at Ole Miss, on why his grades are already in the shitter.

as they are already despised by the previous generations, Mr. Riley claims that he tried his very best, which is all that matters.

“Netflix,” the freshman muttered with a thousandyard stare, “One night I decided to watch The Office and a week later I realized I was covered in Cheetos dust halfway through Californication. I don’t remember anything.”

Stupid teachers or not, New Year’s resolutions are known to be binding and a great form of motivation to improve upon oneself. The fact that these resolutions are failing to improve individuals show one thing, Netflix is ruining everyone and no one is safe from its destruction.

Stories like this aren’t unusual. Many students start out with a seemingly innocent night of streaming television shows and find themselves in a semiconscious state with no recollection of what happened or how they got there. “I blacked out. One moment I was chuckling at Dwight and Jim’s antics, the next I was completely nude with several paramedics standing over me. It was awful,” Riley explained. Students are finding themselves in serious situations like this one on a more frequent basis than ever before. Science shows that prior to Netflix’s existence, students would rarely find themselves watching Friends for ten hours straight. While this issue should be a priority for the nation to resolve, defenders of Netflix refuse to let stories like Ted Riley’s direct the narrative.

“I made a New Year’s resolution. I would study every day, do my homework the moment after class, and keep a calendar of everything due. Instead, I’m pretty sure I’ve been dropped by all my classes!” Riley lamented, “My teachers are so stupid.”

“Is Netflix responsible for me not going to class or even glancing at my homework? Without a doubt. In fact, I think I’d have declared a major by now if it wasn’t for Netflix,” Mr. Riley claimed. Going forward, it is hard to determine what the best course of action is for dealing with this issue. Some claim that the school should directly intervene, while others prefer chaos, anarchy, and terrorism. However, each of the students we spoke to had their own solutions. “Ban Netflix. No wait, ban school. Actually, add two more weeks to winter break, and then ban teachers. See? Problem solved,” Riley stated with confidence.

“Some kid spent a week on Netflix, didn’t go to class, and is blaming the product? This is why millennials can’t have nice things,” Sarah Jensen, local millennial, told The Black Sheep.

For many, banning teachers and creating a socialist winter break seems like a very simple solution that would easily fix the issue. However, killjoys like Ms. Jensen had their own ideas on how to get students to pass their classes. On the record she claimed, simply:

While this may not help the image of millennials

“Do your fucking homework.”

10.) Put light ranch on everything: The next time you decide that your Bottletree treat is missing something, just reach for a bottle of light ranch to slather on it. True fact: light ranch cancels the calories of whatever it’s on, including carbs. 9.) Play fetch with yourself: It sounds silly, but it can be very therapeutic for those living in Kincompton who miss their pets. Now, instead of tricking your dog into exercising you can trick yourself! 8.) Only drink clear liquors: Ron Swanson once said, “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.” So dig deep and find your real housewife. If people question why you’ve suddenly stopped drinking IPAs, just chug your bottle of vodka and walk off. That’ll force them to appreciate your manliness. 7.) Wait a couple of weeks: In a few short weeks any start-of–the-semester money you had will have vanished. Now, you can go on a forced diet because even Larson’s Cash Saver is looking pretty unaffordable. 6.) Look at pictures of Chris Pratt: Before Guardians of the Galaxy Chris Pratt looked like a beautiful sweaty ball of flab. After he…did not. Any pictures of him from Guardians of the Galaxy make for great motivation. Look at those photos regularly. Maybe make a shrine you have to kiss as you leave your bed room. For luck… in the Turner Center… 5.) Buy new workout clothes: Being prepared is half the battle. Also everyone knows that you need to look great when you work out. Who wants a bad gym selfie? 4.) Buy food with words like, “low fat,” “multigrain,” and “great value”: We’re not sure what any of these things mean, but they all sound vaguely good for you. Well, better for you than Qdoba. 3.) Pretend to be happy: Scientifically speaking, we think smiling burns a few calories, but more importantly, people won’t be able to see the negative effect that after the holidays marketing is having on your psyche. 2.) Miss your mouth when you eat: Bring the spoon up to your cheek instead of your mouth. Or your nose. Or your forehead. Don’t stop until your face looks like a Jackson Pollock painting and there’s no food on your plate. Bonus: people won’t sit by you in the Union. Win/win. 1.) Say “Screw it!”: If mass media is going to shove pumpkin spice whatever down your throat for three months and then try to guilt trip you, then mass media can take their pumpkins and learn what anal prolapse is. Taylor wrote this

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ON THE STREETS WHAT IS YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION? WHEN WILL YOU BREAK IT? KENDRA, SENIOR

“The same as everyone else, to lose weight. I want to keep it at least until October. That’s when I’m getting married and I want to give it my best effort.”

ASHLEY, JUNIOR

“I made a couple. One was to do something nice for myself once a month. I’ll probably break that once the semester starts and I get too busy to think about it.”

DEVANTE, FROSH

“My resolution was to get away from social media and I did it, I deleted my Instagram and Snapchat. I’m going to hold out for as long as I can. If I make it until May then I think I deserve to be back on social media.”

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WEDNESDAY

e d i u G p e e h S k c a l B to the (for Those Who Haven’t Seen These Movies) Last Thursday the Best Picture nominees for the 87th Academy Awards were announced. But what will you—the on-the-go college student who doesn’t have time to watch eight movies—do when you’re force to discuss the merits of one of the films? Oh, don’t worry, The Black Sheep has your back. By Brendan

THREE MOVIES THAT

SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED

(and why you should watch them)

American Sniper

Birdman

Basic Premise: America’s best long-range killing machine isn’t a machine at all, he’s a guy with feelings and stuff, even when he’s a-killin’. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Dude, there’s no way a guy as good lookin’ as Bradley Cooper would ever be a sniper. I’m not gay or nothin’, but a man with that jaw line would be cleaning up on magazine covers, not waiting two weeks to shower in a desert.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I’m quite pleased with Eastwood’s clear, realistic portrayal of killing in American Sniper. Too often, it’s easily to glorify or vilify the act, eliminating the feelings of discomfort we need to face in a world with many shades of gray.”

Basic Premise: Michael Keaton plays an ex-superhero, in-a-slump actor (hey, like Michael Keaton!) holding tight to his final strand of fame as he works to debut a Broadway play. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “I kind of assumed Cash Money Records was in financial trouble, but Birdman looks terrible in this documentary.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “Don’t you think the continuous-take gimmick pairs nicely with Michael Keaton’s self-parody in this film? Together, they form a Mőbius strip that strongly argues that life does imitate art.”

Boyhood

The Grand Budapest Hotel

Basic Premise: The audience follows a boy (a real boy!) as he grows from a child to a young adult, unlike that stupid Peter Pan. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Editing 12 years of footage must be a real bitch. I had a hard time cutting 50 words out of my 5-page paper, so I just made the margins a little smaller.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “What a truly brave directorial choice this was. Given everything we know about what can go wrong on a movie set, spanning that agony over 12 years really does merit some hardware, don’t you think?”

Basic Premise: The Graduate meets Ocean’s Eleven, but substitute dark humor of post-college ennui with the twee stylings of Wes Anderson. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Voldermort looks totally ridiculous with that fake nose/moustache combo. This movie sucks.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I can’t believe Anderson has found a way to use humor to skewer dictatorships big and small, whether it’s an overbearing government, or an overbearing hotel administrator. In the end, both parties find new and interesting ways to alienate those forced to live under them.”

The Imitation Game

Selma

Basic Premise: A British WWII hero helps defeat the Nazis, only to face prosecution for homosexuality by the very government he saved. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “This movie is stupid, who cares about some British guy who cracked a code? Those Limey bastards would be speaking German right now if it wasn’t for us.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “Perhaps it was Alan Turning’s disguising of his sexuality that allowed him to think of how similar misdirection applied to the Nazi coding system.”

Basic Premise: Martin Luther King Jr. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “I wish that Martin Luther King Jr. was white, that way we’d already have a biographical movie made about him. Wait, that didn’t sound racist in my head.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “The film’s portrayal of Lyndon B. Johnson is immaterial. This movie isn’t about one man or two men, but rather an idea—a movement—that changed America.”

The Theory of Everything

Whiplash

Basic Premise: Handsome Stephen Hawking (Eddie Redmayne) faces a life-threatening motor neuron disease diagnosis. Hilarity Oscar Bait ensues. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “God, I hope this movie has some trippy shit about space, because if I have to see a hot girl nuzzle up to a cripple for two hours, I’m gonna puke.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I think The Theory of Everything shows that, even though paralysis can affect everything we can see, it’s the ethereal, the mind, emotion, love, that truly win the day in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.”

Basic Premise: “Only steers and queers play jazz drums, Private Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum, and you don’t look like much of a steer to me!” What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Could there be any more black shirts in this movie? It’s like those freakin’ band kids never grow up.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I found this film an enlightening exploration into the discipline required for the creation of art. Too often, I think, non-artists look at the creative process as a medium for extemporaneous expression, which it obviously isn’t. Using jazz, a free form medium, is just icing on the cake.”

Jake Gyllenhaal plays a weirdo who builds cred in the news community by recording—and eventually manipulating—accidents and crime scenes. Atmospherically intense and creepy, it’s like you’re watching one of the car crashes he films: You know something horrible is about to happen, but you can’t take your eyes off of it.

This isn’t a “throw a drink in your face” bitches be trippin’ kind of movie, it’s more of, “ruin your entire life and use your own faults as a man against you” bitches be trippin’ kind of movie. It’s awesome. And there’s a bloody sex scene, too, which will make you question your taste in erotica.

2014 will go down as the Year of Chris Pratt. Was there a more fun movie in 2014? (Hint: No) Action, hilarity, well-imagined aliens, worlds and villains—plus an anthropomorphized tree and raccoon. Just because this wasn’t a snore-fest 3-hour bio doesn’t mean it’s not one of the best movies of the year.

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: I don’t even know your name yet. Major: Lazer Favorite Drink: Whiskey and Coke Favorite Shot: Whiskey Disgusting Drink: Vodka What’s the best back to school winter drink?: Whiskey and Coke. How is that made?: A lot of whiskey and a splash of Coke. What song are you most excited to hear 1,000 times the first month this semester?: The next dumb Iggy Azalea song.

and asks you to buy him a drink. What happens next?: I ask about his Jurassic Park experiences. Is 2015 the year the world ends? Why or why not?: No, Beyonce and Jay Z will save the world.

2014 will be remembered as the year of...: Katy Perry.

COLE AT FUNKY’S

Jeff Goldblum comes into Funky’s

alone Karen.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: To learn what the locals like.

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

KICKING OFF THE SEMESTER

SYLLABUS WEEK SANDWICH

Shit. It’s the beginning of another semester and you’re about to run through the same old routine you do every year. There’s no doubt you’ll start to get some deja vu while your roommate rambles on about how shitty school is and how he’ll never graduate. Don’t worry, though. For you, it’s time to start another god damn semester the right way.

It’s time to kick off another shitty semester, but there’s one thing you’ll make sure isn’t filled with crap this week: your stomach. While your brain will be fried worrying about all the stuff you have to do now that school’s back in session, your food will be fried even more. Just like your curiously southern-accented momma’ said: You can’t go learnin’ on an empty stomach now, ya’ hear?

What You’ll Need: A procrastinator’s mind (your mind), the will to say “no” to work, beer, and lots of it. Level of Intoxication: Armageddon-level. How to Play: - Stock your fridge strictly with beer when you get back to your apartment from winter break. This will get you through about one night. - Every time your roommate asks you what classes you’re taking this semester, shotgun. - Drink twice every time you forget which classes you did sign up for. - Finish your drink when you realize you didn’t sign up for any. - Do a waterfall when your roommate begins complaining about how tough his semester is, stop drinking when he gets to the part about him being a little bitch. - Shotgun again when you recruit a new player to the game (when you convince your roommate to cool it and hang out with you).

2015 will be remembered as the year of...: Hugh Freeze.

Five quick words on what Dianne posted to Karen’s Facebook Wall: Leave my man

What You’ll Need: MEAT. ALL THE MEAT IN THE WORLD (ham, turkey, roast beef, salami), lettuce, tomato, Italian dressing, a French roll. Fatty Factor: We hope you’re not a vegan. Let’s Get Baked: - Start by toasting your roll in the oven at 350 degrees. - When your bread is toasty, pile that meat on like your professor’s going to pile on that work. - Add some lettuce and tomato for extra filling (remember what momma’ said). - Drench that bad boy in some Italian dressing. Just like you’ll need some weird-ass weekend nights to get you through this semester, an extra spice of dressing will give you the kick in the ass you’ll need to get by.

The Game Ends When: You wake up to realize you’ve ruined the start of both you and your friend’s semester by missing all of your classes.

Did this blatant culinary metaphor calm you down? Will you eat a bit before you shack up at the library for the next five months? We sure hope so, because that sandwich was good.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

LET’S TEAR UP THIS BANGER! Even though it’s only a ___1___ night, I’m always down to get a little turnt. Pounding some ___2___s, slamming some ___3___ girls, you know, the usual. It’s ___4___ sister’s friend’s neighbor who’s in ___5___, and she’s turning 21. Who doesn’t love a good shitshow birthday, amirite? Since getting my fake ID for Christmas I’m bringing a fifth of ___6___ vodka and a fifth of ___7___ because bitches love that shit. I’m also going to stop at ___8___ and pick up a new button-up, and just tell people it’s from ___9___because everyone will be too drunk to know the difference. Hey, maybe I’ll really impress them and bring some ___10___, everyone loves fire! Should I pick up some helium balloons, inhale some, and do my infamous ___11___ impression? Yeah, bruh, probably. Every girl loves ___12___ because it reminds them of their childhood, and then they start talking about ___13___ and then they got all excited, and that’s good for the dudes, know what I’m saying? I also heard that ___14___ is going to be there, and that she can twerk better than ___15___ and ___16___ combined. Maybe I should make a playlist just in case the party isn’t popping enough. You know, some ___17___, some ___18___, and ___19___, the bitches love her. Of course I’ll throw on ___20___ to really get them asses bouncin’. Finna get laid tonight! I better wash my ___21___ sheets and make sure I have ___22___on hand for when I bring the party home. Birthday parties are the best!

WORD BANK 1) Weekday 2) Shitty beer 3) Freshman dorm 4) Your roommate 5) “Fun” sorority 6) Flavor 7) Unusual liqueur 8) Grocery store 9) High-end designer 10) Type of firework 11) Cartoon character 12) Cartoon from #11

13) Popstar from your childhood 14) Hottie on campus 15) Hot celebrity female 16) Old by hot celebrity female 17) Overplayed EDM artist 18) Classic rock band 19) Classic popstar 20) Bangin’ rap song 21) Cartoon from #11 22) Drunk food

WELCOME BACK, WE MISSED YOU!

THE LEVEE

ROUNDTABLE

MONDAY

THURSDAY

$0.25 WINGS, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8) $2 PITCHERS (8 - 12)

$5 CHICKEN FINGER BASKET & FRIES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8) 2-FOR-1 WELLS, DOMESTICS & SHOOTERS (8 - 10) $2 CHAMPAGNE (7-11PM)

TUESDAY $10 BURGER & BOTTOMLESS BEER, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8) 2-FOR-1 WELLS & SHOOTERS (8 - 12)

WEDNESDAY 2-FOR-1 APPETIZERS & $3 WELL WHISKEY, $ 1 OFF ALL OTHER ALCOHOL (3 - 8) $2 WELLS & $1 DRAFTS (8 - 11:15)

FRIDAY 2-FOR-1 SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICHES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8)

SATURDAY HAPPY HOUR: $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8)

HAPPY HOUR MONDAY - FRIDAY! $2 DOMESTICS, $3 IMPORTS, $4 WELLS, $1 OFF TOP SHELF MONDAY THURSDAY

$6 HALF SLAB OF RIBS, $3 FIREBALL

TUESDAY

HALF PRICE QUESADILLAS, $2 HOUSE WINE

WEDNESDAY

2 SANDWICHES FOR $10, $3 WELL WHISKEY DRINKS

HALF PRICE APPETIZERS UNTIL 7PM, 2 FOR 1 WELLS FROM 7-10:30PM

FRIDAY

$8 BREW AND CUE (BBQ SANDWICH, BEER AND FRIES)

! S L E B E R GO