Ole Miss - Issue 3 - 10/2/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

just Free! from Like gro eatin cery g d stor inne e sa r mp les.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 3

Alabama Fans Blown Away

by Hustle and Bustle of Big City Life Barney Thompson wrote this

With the Alabama game just days away, Crimson fans are arriving in droves. After hitching their wagons to nearby shrubberies and unpacking their sticks and bindles, the visitors slowly funneled their way through town, exploring the nationally-ranked beauty that is the home of the nationally-ranked Rebels.

engine, his sister-cousin and fellow ‘Bama alumnus, Cathy-Lynne Jaxonne, simply could not get over The Grove’s lighting.

Rather than commenting on the rustic appeal of old-money Oxford, as many do, the Crimson Tide was simply flabbergasted by how fast the big city life was.

“I thought I’d been touched by one’a’dem angels and done made my assent! Walking through that fine-lookin’ patch o’ grass was one thing, but then the lights came on. HOO-WEE! We’d need every extension cord in town to pull this together,” said Jaxonne, “it’s a regular Circle Dee Sole y’all got on your hands here.”

It seems that while the rest of the South, and the majority of the world’s habitable regions, have moved on into the 21st century without missing more than a beat, Alabama continues to reside in times of well-drawn water and coffee without even a hint of pumpkin spice. Yeah, it’s pretty bad there. Crimson fan, Bill Butchneck, is simply astounded at how quickly everything moves here in Oxford. “I am simply astounded at how quickly everything moves here in Oxford. It’s a real shock to the head bean, seein’ all the big lights and horseless buggies scootin’‘bout, n’whatnot,” Butchneck poignantly stated before refreshing his chew-filled lip with one of five cans of Grizzly he keeps on his person at all times. While Butchneck continued drooling what seemed like a can and a half of Grizzly over the wonder of a gas-fueled combustion

Before even having the chance to explain who we were, Jaxonne was already in the midst of “backwoods-bawking” at the Grove’s myriad lights.

Jaxonne then slipped into what would best be described as a moth-like state of trance, completely fixated on the glowing orbs posted throughout that beautiful son of a bitch we call The Grove. The mind blowing didn’t stop with the fans, however. Coach Nick Saban couldn’t get his constantly-enraged mind around the fact that the Ole Miss coaching staff all had working headsets. “We usually just tie some empty cans up to strings and yell into ‘em, which is actually a pretty big upgrade over our last system. We use to just swing our arms in big, dramatic motions. Our play-calling security was just awful,” explained Saban before reaching into his bag of kittens and punching one in the face until it was little more than a stew of bone, ooze and flesh.

“Sorry about that, was getting a little jittery,” said Saban, confirming his rumored ongoing kitten-punching habit, “used to punch meerkats, but the wildlife federation was getting all up my ass. Way further than I like. I’m talking a full forearm past the prostate.”

Saban then began explaining the wonders of prostate stimulation and what a salve it’s been for his team. “I’ve never seen a locker room come together this much, it’s truly astounding,” said Saban, adjusting in his seat slightly.

PAGE 5

PAGE 6

JIMMY JOHN’S BREACH AFFECTS THOUSANDS OF PARENTS’ CREDIT CARDS

TOP 10: GROVE ITEMS YOU’LL FIND POST-GAME DAY

IT’S TIME TO COOL IT ON THE TURKEY TOMS.

BUT REALLY, WHO HASN’T SEEN SEASON 4 OF REBA?

Once Saban’s hand began creeping up his leg we excused ourselves from the room, bringing the interview to an end. If you see any ‘Bama fans out this weekend standing in the middle of the road caught up in the hustle and bustle of the big city, please be a good sport and move them over to the bike lane.

PAGES 10-11 THE BLUZZSHEED WE TAKE A PAGE FROM THE BUZZFEED BOOK AND DO OUR OWN IMAGE-WITH-QUOTE SPECTACULAR!

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE NIGHT CALLER “This is what it looks like when the sex industry gets its hands on genetic engineering.” Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

BRILLIAIN’T A word used to describe something one initially thinks is genius, only to later discover that it isn’t.

When I initially thought of this fake word I thought it was brilliant, now I know it’s just brilliain’t.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Dropped out of high school at 16.

Is functionally illiterate.

Born in High Point, North Carolina.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_OM

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

CURRENT EVENTS

A very

Uber Night

Ever since Uber became available here in pretty, little Oxford, business has been booming. With the town being comprised of either drunk kids, broke kids, or drunk and broke kids at any given moment, the app has provided a service to all sides of student life. Intrigued by this civilian-sourced phenomenon, The Black Sheep sent a reporter to ride along with an Uber driver just to see what it was like. This is his story. The guy drove a green Dodge Dart. Which it turns out aren’t nearly as awesome without Craig Robinson and Jake Johnson engaged nearby in witty banter. He seemed cool, though. Just a junior accounting major who didn’t really have any money of his own to account for, so he decided to try out this whole Uber thing. His name was Colby Harris. Our first stop was The Connection. The guy we picked up was just your average dude-bro trying to meet some friends at the library, but didn’t want to take his car because he’d be “too faced to piss straight,” come last call. He clearly was a responsible youth. It was all pretty normal. But as it grew later, the night grew weirder. Our fourth pick-up was where things got Shyamalanstrange. This old guy, like, 90-years-old, asked if he could control the air conditioning. Colby, being the chill dude he was, said it was, “totally cool.” So Old Dude turned the heater up full-blast and Colby and I started sweating balls. Master Roshi seemed unfazed, however. Dumbledore leand in really close to Colby, so close that I couldn’t hear him as he whispered. Colby was visibly shaken; his face was drained of blood and a single tear rolled down and off his face before splashing on his collar, symbolizing the

shattering of his reality. He dropped Old Dude off on the side of Highway 6 and didn’t look back. I asked him to turn on the A/C. He did. The sixth stop on our journey wasn’t really a stop at all. A young-looking brunette in a sorority shirt came out of a unit in Taylor Place. She got in and asked if we were here for the scat porn. Colby said no and informed the lass that she was looking for a silver Dodge Dart. Ours was green. She sighed and apologized for the confusion. We drove on. Next, we picked up an assistant professor from Lamar on campus. She was nice and super professional. Right before she got out of the car, the woman kissed Colby for a long time. It was uncomfortable to say the least, my pants were so tight afterwards. Once we had driven off, Colby told me that was how Uber drivers greet each other. The woman was just an offduty cabbie saying thanks and see you later the only way she saw fit. Our last stop was this very, very relaxed man that we picked up on the Square. He said his name was not Robert Cunningham. The music we were listening to on the radio was interrupted by an emergency news report saying that the police were looking for a man calling himself Robert Cunningham. Luckily for us, the man we picked up specifically denied going by that name, despite matching his description perfectly. It saved us a lot of confusion. Colby Harris made a whole $84 that night, but the mental trauma and emotional scars we walked away with that night were truly priceless. God bless us, everyone.

Chaning Green wrote this

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas Everyday, All Day! Karaoke on Thursday starting at 9pm Check out elmilagrooxford.com to see our new menu!

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Jimmy John’s Breach Affects Thousands of Ole Miss Students’ Parents’ Credit Cards Staff wrote this

Brilliant Student Brings Up Tidbit Learned in Other Class OXFORD – Students in HIST 149 reported that freshman Mike Donaldson brilliantly brought up a fact he learned in a different class Tuesday morning.

OXFORD – Jimmy John’s is the latest victim in credit card breaching.

Donaldson, 18, said he had remembered the small tidbit from his high school American history class last year.

The fast-food giant’s initial reports estimate that thousands of Ole Miss students’ parents’ credit card information may have been breached.

“The professor said something about how John F. Kennedy was one of the youngest presidents in United States’ history, and then it just clicked in my head that he was just 46 years old when he died,” Donaldson said. “When I said how old he was when he got shot, it really put things in perspective for the rest of the class.”

“This is ridiculous,” freshman Joanna Douglass told reporters outside of Revel Rags. “Now how am I supposed to get Subway for dinner tonight? And my friends asked me to go out later too.”

Witnesses outside the class room heard a collective gasp and cheering from inside the room where students were both impressed and thankful for the extra nugget of knowledge.

A MasterCard spokesperson told The Black Sheep that the company has received over 6,000 calls from complaining students in the past 36 hours – all looking to find answers as to just how the Earth will continue to spin without the orbit of endless cash from their parents’ bank account. “We’re dealing with a lot of screamers,” a Visa representative told reporters Tuesday. “There was one girl who actually came to the office, was denied a transfer from her mother’s bank account, and then smashed her phone on the floor. Then she started to cry because she realized she had to wait for overnight shipping on the new phone her dad just bought her.”

According to a recent campus study in light of the fiscal crisis, student’s mental health has drastically decreased. Many are beginning to view life as “meaningless without an unlimited pipeline of money.” “It’s like... I still wake up in the morning, but I just know I can’t go out and buy a new TV for my dorm, so what’s even the point?” sophomore Jerry Taylor said. “Like, yeah, I can try to spice up the day with a run or chatting with my roommate or something, but it’s just not the same feeling you get when someone swipes your card on a register. It was exhilarating – especially when you knew there was no end in sight. Now, it’s all gone. I barely even have enough money for Zaxby’s every Tuesday and Thursday nights. It’s embarrassing.”

THE BLACK SHEEP ONLINE .COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS

“He showed some really great potential in that moment,” professor John Stackhouse told reporters after class. “I really think he can get an A in this class. With a brain like that, it’s hard not to imagine that he’ll be teaching this class one day.” Donaldson said he hasn’t yet thought about one day taking over Ole Miss’ history department, but the prospective thought of one day leading the field in ground-breaking research is one he’s proud of. “I mean, yeah, I have a good memory but it’s no big deal,” Donaldson said, leaning back in his chair with an open copy of America: How It Came to Be on his chest. “Maybe one day I’ll use my knowledge to inspire students in the classroom, but for right now it’s all about inspiring my fellow classmates one little factoid at a time.” Jupiter Stevens wrote this

5% Off

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HAUTE COUTURE

Top Five Grove Shirts

to Show Off Your Man Boobs

THE TOP TEN Grove Items You’ll Find Post-Game Day After Ole Miss’s last game day, The Black Sheep sent a freshman intern to the bowels of the post-game day Grove to see the aftermath. What was found in the wake of debauchery and partying became this Top 10 list. 10.) Trash: The first and most obvious remnants of Ole Miss Grove-goers is good, old-fashioned trash. The Grove, hours after game-day, is not unlike a post-apocalyptic wasteland of red and blue Solo cups, empty Bud Light cans, and half-full Chick-fil-A dipping sauces. It’s like the first half of WallE, but with less CGI guilt. 9.) Chick-fil-A Nuggets: Remember when your parents told you not to waste your food because there are children in Africa who are starving? Well apparently that guilt trip doesn’t apply to The Grove. The post-party stages of The Grove are like if every improper use of the word “literally” was turned into a chicken tender, was half-eaten, and then thrown on the ground. 8.) Ashley’s Keys: Everyone either is, or knows an Ashley. Ashley is that friend, girlfriend or boyfriend that loses their keys at least ten times a week. One item that is usually laying on the ground after a long game day of drinking are Ashley’s keys to the brand new BMW Daddy got her for Labor Day. Classic Ashley.

@AxeTreeFallMan wrote this

You drink a lot of beer. We get that. You’re also not exercising a whole lot. We get that too. The fact is you’re in the beginning of your slow change into your “dad body” and that new Qdoba down the road is really kick-starting the process. You have every right to be proud of the man boobs you’ve been cultivating, and The Black Sheep is here with the best choices in shirts to help you accentuate that man rack. Coach’s Jersey: Invented specifically for the overweight football coach and overweight football dads, the shirts are really going to give you and your man titties a defined cleavage shadow. The fabric is a light polyester and cotton blend that gives a 37% boost in visible jiggle when walking down the stairs in the Vault, giving it a score of 8/10 on The Black Sheep Jiggle Scale. Fishing Shirts with Vents: Made of 100% pure polyester, with two vents behind the armpit, this shirt is perfect for man boobs at any occasion. This button-up shirt allows the wearer to really seal those man ta-tas up or let them out in full glory, depending on the occasion. Designed for sweaty sideline dads, the two vents in the back allow that Evan Williams and Union Dr. Pepper sweat to escape, keeping those man mammaries as dry as the Sahara and just as scratchy. While it should score higher, the chafing forced us to give this a score of 7/10 on The Black Sheep Jiggle Scale. Alabama Shirts: Just something about that maroon color really makes your breasticles pop. Any shirt that has “Roll Tide” on the back has got a pair of dude-Dolly Partons on the front. It is an actual law in Alabama that a jersey must come with every box of Hot Pockets sold, so man globes are almost a requirement if you are wearing jersey

Crimson Tide tee. If you want people to really notice and comment on how big and sweaty your chest ornaments look in The Grove, go ahead and grab a Cooper Bateman jersey. While it is comparable in jiggle to the coach’s jersey, the inbred ‘Bama branding forces us to give this a mere 5/10 on The Black Sheep Jiggle Scale. Tank Tops: If you really want to show those babies off, go and grab a tank top. Cotton tanks are great for showing off your sweat stains and really letting your stench roam about whatever tent you’re in. The cleavage shadow is a little softer than some shirts, only because actual cleavage can be shown. These shirts received a full-blown 10/10 on The Black Sheep Jiggle Scale, and in some cases, nipples were tossing out of the sides. Shirt and Bow Tie: A bow-tie is definitely the accessory to add to your Grove outfit if you want to leave a nice open plain for your cleavage shadow. This is optimal for showing off how dad you’ve become and sealing the deal on a future Mrs. Bow Tie. Bow ties are so high on the neck that it makes your man titties look 3 - 6 inches saggier. Because of this, The Black Sheep gives the outfit an 8/10 on our Jiggle Scale.

So there it is, five perfectly acceptable options when it comes to dressing for the heat. Ideally we’ve helped you find that perfect topper to your masculine, jigglicious globes. So walk with pride through The Grove, we’ll all be watching in envy.

7.) Grove Zombies: A Grove zombie is the term The Black Sheep uses to describe those Grovers who snorted 60mg of Vyvanse to make it to the wee hours of the morning on game day. Unfortunately, the drug wears off sooner than most participants would like and it leaves these fine folks waking up in the middle of The Grove on Sunday morning covered in so much bile and stale beer you’d think it was our school colors. 6.) Ashley’s Broken High Heels: One effect often left behind in the aftermath of The Grove is a surprising amount of lone high heels. Strewn across The Grove, these shoes leave one wondering how these girls happened to lose their shoes, as well as how the rest of their vodka-fueled nights turned out (See #1). 5.) Season 4 of Reba: In the heaps of left behind items there is always one unbelievably random artifact that cannot be explained. It’s like the Pyramids of Giza: inexplicable. This time we found Season 4 of Reba… which is apparently a TV show about Reba McEntire? 4.) Ashley’s Bent iPhone 6: Classic Ashley, always shoving phones in her too tight skinny jeans until they bend. One item that was wading in the garbage and mess of The Grove was her brand-new iPhone, but not to worry, it was only a few hundred dollars and it’s like they grow on trees at the Apple Store. 3.) Trash Collectors: The poor souls picking up and disposing of all the waste left behind deserve a standing ovation for putting up with Ashley and her mess of a life. 2.) Ashley and Jeff: Another key part of post-game day Grove is the person who lost a bunch of their stuff the day before, as well as their reluctant boyfriend or girlfriend who got roped into helping them look for the lost items that will, without a doubt, never be found. 1.) Dignity: Although dignity is an intangible thing, it is without a doubt the most common thing people leave behind after partying in The Grove. Every shot of Wild Turkey that Grovers take diminishes every ounce of dignity they began the day with. Knowlton Bourne wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What piece of media would benefit most from replacing one word with “ass,” and what does it turn into?

BOBBY “As Above, So Ass”

CHANING “Once Upon an Ass”

ELIZABETH “A Christmas Ass”

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The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour! Monday-Friday 3-7pm: $1.50 16oz. PBR and Coors, $1 off all Drinks 21 Craft Beers on Tap

Thursday & Saturday Bottle Service! Buy 2 Bottles, Get 1 Free!

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

Wednesday Ladies Night! 2-4-1 Skinny Bitch $2 Domestics

THURSDAY

$3.00 Well Drinks $2.00 Coors 16oz Tall Boys

Bottle Service! Buy 2 Bottles, Get 1 Free!

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas Karaoke Starting at 9pm

$4 Daquiries until 8pm* *non-home football weekends only Follow us on Twitter!

FRIDAY

Find us on Facebook at facebook.com/ theblindpigoxford or follow us on Twitter!

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

$2 Domestics until 8pm* *non-home football weekends only Follow us on Twitter!

SATURDAY

Find us on Facebook at facebook.com/theblindpigoxford or follow us on Twitter!

Bottle Service! Buy 2 Bottles, Get 1 Free!

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

Drink specials change weekly! *non home football weekends only Follow us on Twitter!

SUNDAY

$2.50 Tall Boys, $3 Mimosas, $5 Bloody Marys

Open Sundays!

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

$4 Daiquiris Open at 11AM

MONDAY

Monday Night Trivia, $2.00 Domestics

Ladies Night! Half Off Specialty Martinis and Specialty Cocktails

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

$2 Domestics $4 Octones

TUESDAY

Tall Boy Tues $2

$2 Tuesdays! $2 Domestics All Night

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

$4 Daiquiris $4 Wells

WEDNESDAY

$3.00 Pints, $5.00 Beer Flight Sampler 2 for 1 flights for ladies

Wine Wednesday! Half Off Wine and Champagne

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

Ladies Night! 2-4-1 Skinny Bitch $2 Domestics

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_OM Scan to go right to the page!

The Grid TUESDAY: $10 Burger & Bottomless Beer, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) 2-for-1 Wells & Shooters (8 - 12)

WEDNESDAY: 2 for $12 Nachos 2-4-1 Wells

Tuesday! Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf Half Price Quesadillas, $2 House Wine

Wine Down Friday 2-4-1 Glasses of House Wine 1/2 off all Bottles

SPECIAL NIGHT

$5 Chicken Finger Basket & Fries, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) 2-for-1 Wells, Domestics & Shooters (8 - 10) $2 Champagne (7-11PM)

2 for $14 Quesadillas $1.25 Natty Light

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf Half Price Appetizers until 7pm, 2 for 1 Wells from 7-10:30pm

Thirsty Thursday 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Domestics

THURSDAY

2-for-1 Spicy Chicken Sandwiches, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8)

$8 Brew and Cue (BBQ Sandwich, Beer and Fries) Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf

Wine Down Friday 2-4-1 Glasses of House Wine 1/2 off all Bottles

FRIDAY

HH - $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8)

Friend us on Facebook: fb.com/ribcage.oxford1

SATURDAY

Closed

SUNDAY

$0.25 Wings, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) $2 Pitchers (8 - 12)

2 for $14 Quesadillas $6 Pitchers

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf $6 Half Slab of Ribs, $3 Fireballs

Closed

MONDAY

$10 Burger & Bottomless Beer, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) 2-for-1 Wells & Shooters (8 - 12)

2 for $12 Jumbo Sandwich Plates $1.50 Bud Light Cans

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf Half Price Quesadillas, $2 House Wine

TUESDAY

2-for-1 Appetizers & $3 Well Whiskey, $1 off all other alcohol (3 - 8) Welfare Wednesday! $2 Wells & $1 Drafts (8 - 11:15)

2 for $12 Nachos 2-4-1 Wells

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf 2 Sandwiches for $10, $3 Well Whiskey Drinks

WEDNESDAY

The BluzzSheed Buzzfeed has made a name for itself by posting gifs and pictures that go viral, and to be honest we’re a bit put off here at The Black Sheep. What they do isn’t very hard, you’ve just got to find a random number of pictures and a sentence that any schmuck can relate to, just like a horoscope. To prove our point that we are the superior media conglomerate, we’ve tried our hand at their little game. Without further ado, we present The Black Sheep image-with-quote spectacular! Banana Boy wrote this

4 Pictures That Will Remind You That You’re Just a Speck and What’s The Point of Taking That Midterm And What’s the Point of Anything Really Look at us just floating out there.

5 Sloths Blissfully Unaware Their Homes Are Being Destroyed to Make Paper This idiot’s smile won’t last long.

Look how tiny we are. What’s the point?

This sloth’s tree is getting burned to the ground. This guy’s best friend just got frozen.

This guy’s home was destroyed so you could hold this paper in your hand. The guy’s family tree is now mulch for your garden.

All those people look like ants. Are our lives really worth more than theirs?

According to Men in Black, aliens play marbles with our galaxy, why shouldn’t we play more?

6 Monkeys Wearing Dresses That Share 99% of our DNA So It’s Not Weird To Find Them Attractive

She’s scared of you, too.

I’ve got a thing for famous actresses.

3 Babies That You’ll Never Believe Turned Into Assholes

Get a load of that smile.

Maybe not a 10 but a 6 at least.

Check out that cleavage!

She’d totally bang her boss to get a raise.

These 6 Squirrels Wearing Hats Make You Realize How Much You Miss Your Mom

This asshole committed arson.

These two assholes stole 15 million dollars.

This little prick started World War II.

Remember going to the Fourth of July parade with her?

Remember when she used to make you sandwiches?

Remember when she’d get you ready to go out in the snow?

Remember when she told you to stay away from Shriners?

You won’t see her on your birthday.

Remember watching Pan with her on VHS?

Peter

WHEREVER YOU NEED TO GO,

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Taken • Major: Graduated with a double major Favorite Drink: Old Fashioned • Favorite Shot: Jack Daniel’s Disgusting Drink: Anything with Malibu What do you think Captain Morgan is hiding behind that mustache?: A smaller mustache. Ordering a martini in a college bar is...: Is ordering vodka in a fancy glass. Where’s the last strange place you’ve woken up?: In a street in Pamplona during the running of the bulls at about 3:00 p.m., started off real strong.

LANDON of THE BLIND PIG THE DRINKING GAME DON’T PUKE IN YOUR SHOES! Hey you stupid, drunk idiot, don’t puke in your shoes. Aren’t you sick of that mushing between your toes every time you put your shoes on in the morning? Just aim to the left a little bit! What You’ll Need: Some sort of container (garbage can, mop bucket, not a pair of shoes, etc.) Number of Players: Two (Player one is the puker, player two cleans up and has a shitty night.) Level of Intoxication: High enough to need to puke in an odd item, low enough to have the capability to choose something other than your shoe. How to Play: - Go out to a bar and get accurately drunk enough to fall within our recommended “level of intoxication.” - Stumble back home (do NOT lose your shoes). - Arrive home and take off your shoes. - At this point, it may be good strategy to hide your shoes or throw them onto a high platform (shelf, top of the fridge) that way you can’t possibly puke in them. - Focus intently on your garbage can or bucket (do NOT look away). - When you finally have to puke, aim for the garbage can or bucket (may also be a good strategy to play with a teammate who can intercept your shoes from your path of puke). The Game Ends When: You puke (a win or loss is determined by whether you feel something warm and oddly comfortable in your shoes the next morning).

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What now-irrelevant athletic achievement are you most proud of?: My team got second in state at bowling.

What chain restaurant is criminally underrated and why?: Whataburger, breakfast starts at midnight. If you had to fill a mason jar with tears in 24 hours or less, how would you do it?: Have someone constantly remind me that U2’s new album is in my iTunes. How do you shave a rooster?: With persistence. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s something to distract you from homework.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER WASHED-UP MASHED POTATOES Look at that shit. Do you see the spuds winding out of its side? It’s disgusting that a potato like that is even still around. Didn’t it know its time was up weeks ago and it should’ve just gone out on top when it was at its peak? Let’s get rid of this guy once and for all – get your oven mitts! It’s time to make some washed-up mashed potatoes. What You’ll Need: A sense of grit, determination, and nerves. This potato overstayed its welcome and you are NOT happy about it. Cook Time: As fast as possible, if we wait any longer it may start to root. Fatty Factor: Don’t worry about this; it’s all going to be worth it when it’s over. Let’s Get Baked: - Grab that son of a bitch and shave those gross growths off its side. Does it even think about how it looks when it goes out in public? - Snatch a pot and fill it with boiling-hot water. Then boil it some more. This guy isn’t making it out of here alive. - It’s time to truly embarrass the potato. Shave the skin off and leave it sitting bare on the counter. It didn’t have the self-respect enough to call it quits at the right moment, now look what it’s clinging on to – a life of naked worthlessness. - BOIL IT, BOIL IT, BOIL IT. - Watch it shrivel up like the washed-up potato it is. - Now throw it out in the trash. You’re not eating this recipe today, folks. This time it was all about setting things straight.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THE BACK PAGE

do you know these album covers? Do you know all 8 of these album covers? Oh, you do, do â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;ya? Well, email us at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win a prize!

the WALK THROUGH CAMPUS madlib ___1___ is so alive in the fall! Just walking around campus and smelling the ___2___s and leftover ___3___, seeing the freshman skanks with their ___4___’s exposed groping the ___5___-year-old locals - god, they’re so cool - hearing the roar of the ___6___ bottles rolling into the gutter… I just love it all! As I walk past the bars, I just can’t help but feel a tingle in my ___7___ at the thought of finally downing a___8___ with a ___9___ and a ___10___ beer-back. Once I turn 21, everything will change. Sure, I could get a fake ID, but with this baby face, who’d believe it? Plus it’s so much better to wait, right? That’s pretty much my philosophy on everything, at least that’s what my mom wants me to do. Seeing all the lecture halls brimming with kids in front of their computers, reading up on ___11___, watching ___12___ do the Ice Bucket Challenge and seeing the hundreds of pictures of ___13___’s baby - who just turned three! - really gets me excited to hit up my remedial math class. I love creeping, er, watching over the shoulder of that cute ___14___ as she scrolls through page after page of Tumblr; I feel like I’m really getting to know her. Who needs math anyway? I’m an ___15___ after all! Finally flopping down on my lofted bed in ___16___ after a long day of learning is the icing on the cake of a classic college day. Hitting up ___17___ with my ___18___-loving roommate is always a highlight, mostly because we get high (heh) off of his sick ___19___ and then light (heh) a doobie on the walk over there, and just go hard on some ___20___ and ___21___. Freshman 15, my butt! It’s really these simple days that make me appreciate how badass it is going to ___22___. So maybe I’ll spend another night watching ___23___ and hangin’ with my floor mates, but it’s all about the memories, man, all about the memories.

CLUE BANK

1) Your college town 2) Type of flower 3) Late-night food 4) Body part 5) 30-something age 6) Type of liquor

7) Body part 8) Strong mixed drink 9) Novelty shot 10) Average beer 11) Latest hashtag trend 12) Random old relative

13) Your (annoying) homecoming queen 14) Hair color 15) Your major 16) Freshman dorm 17) Campus cafeteria

18) 60s rock band 19) Smoking apparatus 20) Savory food 21) Type of cereal 22) Your university 23) Terrible reality show

GET READY FOR GAMEDAY! VS.

THE LEVEE

ROUNDTABLE

MONDAY

THURSDAY

$0.25 WINGS, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8) $2 PITCHERS (8 - 12)

$5 CHICKEN FINGER BASKET & FRIES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8) 2-FOR-1 WELLS, DOMESTICS & SHOOTERS (8 - 10) $2 CHAMPAGNE (7-11PM)

TUESDAY $10 BURGER & BOTTOMLESS BEER, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8) 2-FOR-1 WELLS & SHOOTERS (8 - 12)

WEDNESDAY 2-FOR-1 APPETIZERS & $3 WELL WHISKEY, $ 1 OFF ALL OTHER ALCOHOL (3 - 8) $2 WELLS & $1 DRAFTS (8 - 11:15)

FRIDAY 2-FOR-1 SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICHES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8)

SATURDAY HAPPY HOUR: $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8)

HAPPY HOUR MONDAY - FRIDAY! $2 DOMESTICS, $3 IMPORTS, $4 WELLS, $1 OFF TOP SHELF MONDAY THURSDAY

$6 HALF SLAB OF RIBS, $3 FIREBALL

TUESDAY

HALF PRICE QUESADILLAS, $2 HOUSE WINE

WEDNESDAY

2 SANDWICHES FOR $10, $3 WELL WHISKEY DRINKS

HALF PRICE APPETIZERS UNTIL 7PM, 2 FOR 1 WELLS FROM 7-10:30PM

FRIDAY

$8 BREW AND CUE (BBQ SANDWICH, BEER AND FRIES)

! S L E B E R O G