Ole Miss - Issue 4 - 10/16/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

Fre e! L ide ike ste as f rom aling Buz costu zFe me ed.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

HOW TO TRICK-OR-TREAT

AS AN OLE MISS REBEL APARTMENT COMPLEXES: Oxford is rapidly becoming like the waning half of a long Monopoly game; houses and apartment complexes are springing up faster than an over-zealous mob can tear down a football field goal post. To make the most of Halloween, The Black Sheep encourages folks to strap on that slutty nurse outfit or Superman costume, take a Xanax or two and get lost in the corridors of the labyrinth-style apartment complexes. It’s like some newage haunted house except with less cobwebs. Whether it is candy, oral sex, a ride home, or compression socks for those aching calves, The Black Sheep recommends banging on random people’s doors and asking for goods. This fantastic form of trick-or-treating is sure to make your neighbors like you.

THE SQUARE: Another fun and creative The Black Sheepapproved trick-or-treating venue is, of course, The Square. Once lubed up with the appropriate libations, The Black Sheep suggests knocking on the bar doors for treats and free booze. Although there may not be candy at The Levee, there very well could be a freshman girl named Candy, or Mandy, or Ashley— something along those lines. Not to mention, bouncers love telling drunk people in ridiculous costumes to go home. Really, everyone loves that.

YOUR PROFESSOR’S HOUSE: No one enjoys having plastered students yell nonsensical, made-up Halloween carols at them quite like your Ole Miss professor.

Issue 4

Although Halloween is a holiday invented by Nestlé and Walgreens, it’s still a wonderful time of the year to indulge in your primal, partying needs whilst dressing up in a ridiculous costume and yelling at strangers. So, as Halloween draws near, The Black Sheep reminds its readers of a few simple ways to keep the Halloween spirit alive by joining in with the timeless tradition of trick-or-treating, except all college-like and stuff. Knowlton Bourne wrote this

This helpful trick-or-treating idea will allow your closest education professional to maybe remember who you are on Monday. It will also remind them that their years of hard work and the crippling student debt they accrued was all well worth the long and arduous career struggle. God bless them for molding the future minds of America.

THE HEALTH CENTER: Another viable route for trick-or-treating that actually involves some yummy treats is knocking on the Health Center door. The Health Center on campus is chock-full of dope pain killers and Codeine, see what we did there? God knows the doctors hand out Codeine for next to nothing, including those throbbing calves you’ve been complaining about. For those Halloweeners that like the less traditional route, Jordy, your drug dealer, will also be shut in with his new copy of Destiny and making business transactions from his filthy apartment on the opposite side of town.

THE OXFORD POLICE DEPARTMENT: Once you’ve hit all the regular trick-or-treating hot spots for sex, drugs, and alcohol it is only natural to wrap your hell of a night up with a trip to the police station. Whether the noble protectors of our lovely town will be serving up candy, rides on their giant police horses, crazy stories from their tours in Afghanistan, or a nice, fat public drunk arrest; the police department will undoubtedly be a nice ending to your long Halloween adventure.

PAGE 5

When you wake up the next morning, look in your sack of candy and loudly proclaim, “How did all that get there?,” just remember you have a friend in The Black Sheep. Now get back out there, champ, and TP a house or somethin’.

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PAGES 10-11

STUDENT S***S BRICKS OVER MIDTERMS

LIFE AS A GROVE BABY

IT REALLY DID A NUMBER ON THE PLUMBING.

AND AS EXPECTED, HE’S A TOTAL BADASS. KIND OF.

WHAT KIND OF HALLOWEEN PARTY SHOULD YOU ATTEND? FOLLOW OUR FLOWCHART TO MAKE THE BEST DECISION OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Brittain Thompson

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

EDITORIAL MANAGER Barney Thompson

OWNER Atish Doshi

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Ben Tedford

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, HeatherJo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Knowlton Bourne, Logan Little Chaning Green, Evan Myers SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGERS Jordan Lucas, Mayra Fabian DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Jordan Donovan

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OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900 DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

THE CARPET CLEANER

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Four peyote caps later, the world had successfully cracked revenge on Miley Cyrus’ vocal cords.”

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

MALAPOOPISM Accidentally or purposely shitting where one shan’t shit.

Bridget claimed her best malapoopism was the time she left a brown baked present in the trunk of an ex-lover’s Honda Accord.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Owner of Craft restaurants.

Made a cameo in season one of HBO’s Treme.

For a short time, ran a website, EatDrinkOrDie.com

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_OM

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

LIFE LESSONS

STUDENT S***S BRICKS OVER MIDTERMS Barney Thompson wrote this

Oxford, MS -- Ole Miss senior Tommy Sharts has rendered the fifth floor of Kincannon useless due the infrastructural damage incurred by the massive amount of bricks shat after seeing his midterm grades. They spelled out his situation perfectly: F, F, F, C, D. “Yo, I only skipped like 90% of my classes,” express Sharts. “How was I suppose to know that attendance was mandatory? I would’ve at least scanned and skedaddled or something, y’know? It’s not like I’m an idiot.” This policy was outlined in the syllabus passed out on the first day of classes. “I make it a rule of thumb to never go to the first day of class,” advises Sharts. “It gives them the impression that I actually care about passing their class more than maintaining maximum trill. I’m trill as hell, bruh!” When asked what he did rather than go to class, Sharts had this to say: “Well, like me and about ten buds would split a blunt, get straight faded!” Said Sharts on his daily routine, “Then we’d stumble down to The Blind Pig and play pool ‘til some real pieces started showing up at the Table. Y’now man? I wasn’t hurting anyone, why should I be punished for never attending a full lecture? If anything I should get bonus points for even knowing anything!” His roommate and childhood friend, Mitchell Toots, wasn’t surprised by his friends’s grades, he even went as far as to call him a “numbskull” and “mad slacker”, but is bummed that their new Xbox One was collateral damage in Shart’s shitting of the bricks. “Like, I had just gotten good at Titanfall! Plus I was Skypin’ mad thots with that Kinect! Tommy’s on my don’t-shit list for sure,” Toots firmly stated.

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas Everyday, All Day! Karaoke on Thursday starting at 9pm Check out elmilagrooxford.com to see our new menu!

Toots then curled up with his desecrated Xbone. The wake Sharts left resonated much further than his 11‘x20’ abode. Taking just a few steps from the ground zero dorm room, it wasn’t hard to see what disaster the aftermath wrought. Those most affected were Sharts’ neighbors. Not only will they be displaced from their dorm, but Jon “Prairie Doggin” Jones had his dick displaced. It was dickplaced. “I’d been chattin this double dime up, that’s where she’s physically and mentally a dime. Like, we were talking about how skull my new Kroakies were and she was like, ‘take em off,” explains Jones. “So, obviously she wanted that greasy-D. Then Sharts McGeed drops a load of bricks the size of a friggin’ Nkemdichi. Straight mood killer, dude owes me some pristine poon.” Kincannon officials are still baffled at how Sharts managed as much destruction as he did. “How one student managed to shit this many bricks over just midterms is actually impressive,” Admits community assistant Floyd Brown. “I mean, it obviously doesn’t show in his grades, but dropping a load of bricks that requires us to quarantine and entire floor shows some real passion for being a Rebel. This kid’s got potential. Or more like poo-tential!” Brown went up for a high-five. He was left hanging. Given how immense the biohazard is, officials are still unsure of when the fifth floor will be reopened. Donatation of Natty, ditch weed, as well as Trojan Fire and Ice are being accpeted to help the displaced youths of Kincannon continue their academic endeavors unhindered.

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MURDER: Terrible Crime or Hilarious Prank? Staff wrote this

The Black Sheep knows what you’re thinking, “but The Black Sheep, murder is wrong always all the time forever!” You’re right Suzy, The Black Sheep in no way endorses the murder of anyone living or dead (that’s right, we support the lives of the undead as well). But this Halloween season, kids are just going bananas with murder pranks. With the popularization of shows like Dexter and Criminal Minds (and the simultaneous popularization of binge watching these shows on Netflix), college students know so much about murder and how to not make mistakes that it’s become the biggest fad since Tinder’s “automatic gross pick-up line” button. We asked Detective Lance Buttons what he thought about the issue. “Basically,” said Buttons with a dramatic pause, “we’ve got what we think are students planning the elaborate murders of their roommates and professors. Whenever we ask students if they were near the incidents or if they took part in the grizzly acts, they just start laughing and saying things like ‘oh snap! He got got!’ and ‘dude, what a sick burn, that is hilarious.’

I mean what can we do with that? These kids are scary.” Buttons went on to say that the crime scenes were always wiped clean and there was literally no evidence. When asked about the possibility that there was only one serial killer, Buttons replied “that’s what we thought at first, but every victim is killed in a different way and always with a different object. We have wounds that were inflicted by male, female, and androgynous killers with left hands, right hands, and even people without hands murdering with their feet. But we can’t even narrow down who the ‘foot killer’ is because of Ole Miss’ giant armless community on campus.” Apparently the trend was started by “that hacker 4chan” who went on his website and showed how he “totally pranked his roommate into getting killed.” Since then, 37 people have been murdered and the investigation seems to be at an impasse. Detective Pete Chapeau, partner to Buttons, told us, “the police have decided not to do anything else. We really think this is

just a fad and it’ll probably go out of style, just like everything else.” When we asked why they were treating a series of awful murders so casually, Chapeau responded, “look, I don’t like Kim Kardashian or Miley Cyrus either. But what am I supposed to do, arrest them because they’re what’s cool right now? That’s stupid! You’re stupid!” After a ten minute volley of us calling him stupid back, we left feeling defeated. This fad may have come as a result of students who have become nihilistic after one too many philosophy classes, or perhaps the students raised by helicopter parents found a new way to rebel. Either way, the new fad is scaring the shit out of us. We spoke with C.D. Romknee, a frat starlooking guy who we happened to run into at all the crime scenes. “Bro, it’s like this: you could be like the guys in Neighbors and have a prank war back and forth, but how do you win a prank war? What’s the biggest prank you can pull on someone? Just straight up murdering them. I mean… I haven’t done it,” he told us while

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shifting his eyes back and forth, “but, you know, I get it.” Hopefully the trend ends soon, otherwise Halloween is going to be scary as fuck.

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AROUND CAMPUS

Life as a Grove Baby Chaning Green wrote this

Donavan James is three months old. He’s a Grove Baby.

TBS: No. Your mom abandoned you. DJ: Oh… yeah. Yeah, I’m smoking. Here—take one. They’re Camel Crush Bold. These and Marlboro Lights are everywhere on game days. TBS: Uh, sweet. Thanks. So, Donavan. How have you managed to stay so well-fed and well-dressed? I’m pretty sure you’re wearing some boujie-ass threads right now. DJ: Dude, do you know how many Grove Moms bring extra clothes for their kids? God forbid Johnny muck up his precious Vineyard Vines button-down with mustard. You can find full outfits laying around just about everywhere. Fireball? TBS: Is that Fireball and Dr. Pepper? How did you get tha–don’t light another cig... Bro, you are chain-smoking. DJ: Damn, brah. Get off my dick. I’m offering you liquor out of the kindness of my heart and you’re criticizing the life I choose to lead. This is why no one likes GDIs. You suck. TBS: I’m gonna pretend like you didn’t say that. How have people not noticed you living in The Grove yet? Have you ever had to deal with Child Services before? DJ: Look at me. I’m a blond-haired, blue-eyed little boy dressed like Daddy’s a lawyer. Dropping me in The Grove on game day is like dropping a contact on the dirty floor of a truck stop bathroom. Gloryholes included. TBS: Uh…okay. Are there more of you? More children of The Grove?

ways to Procrastinate Your Grades Away The Black Sheep staffers face many of the same pressures, deadlines and other bullshit man-made concepts that Rebels have to deal with at least once a week. As a result, we consider ourselves experts in avoiding what we need to do. Through surveys, examinations and case-studies we were able to compile a list of ways to avoid doing the work we have to do until last moment left to do it.

Donavan was conceived on The Grove on the night of September 14th, 2014. His parents, an unknown frat star and some random sorority girl, were celebrating the Rebels’ win over Louisiana Tech. The score was 24-0. People had sex about it. Donavan’s mother gave birth to him and left him on The Grove. That was it. Donavan never saw his parents again. We recently caught up with him to discuss how he has managed to survive all these years. The Black Sheep: Are you smoking? Donavan James: And who are you, my Mom?

THE TOP TEN

10.) Go For A Walk: Exercise is allegedly good for you. Sure, that Business Calculus homework isn’t gonna finish itself, but that’s not due for another 3 hours. A nice stroll around the block will “get the blood flowing,” which is scientifically proven* to raise your final grade by at least 7%. *There is no data to back this up. 9.) Bash Your Head Against the Desk: No, this isn’t safe, but it works when you want to forget about whatever stupid group project you have to do. We recommend that you stop once your forehead starts bleeding profusely, you forget your name, or your desk breaks. 8.) Climb a Tree in The Grove: Some members of the Ole Miss family frown upon climbing these sacred objects, but they‘re also the first to take a leak on one during game day. To be fair, the trees are perfect for a nice whiz. Bring a flask, make friends with a squirrel and stare off into the distance like you’re the hero that Oxford needs, but not the one it deserves. 7.) Make a Playlist: Whether it’s rock, rap, country, polka, or lesbian beat poetry, your jams make you the person you are. Making a playlist will give you time to ignore your class and failing grades. Just title it “Study Time” and that makes this two hour waste completely acceptable.

DJ: Yes. But, I honestly couldn’t tell you how many of us there are. So many of us come and go that it’s hard to keep track. I’m one of the few that stay on campus during the week. Most of us GBs—that’s what we call ourselves, Grove Babies— just drift around town during the week.

6.) Get Wasted in The Square: A tad more expensive than the other methods, but totally worth it. So what if it’s Tuesday? This is Oxford, dammit. If you’re lucky, you might even meet an equally inebriated person who also makes bad life choices. Find a cheap place with no cover so you can drink your time and dignity away. 5.) Start a Rap Career: Did the rap battle in 8 Mile inspire you like it inspired every other white kid? Throw down some beats and spend an hour trying to figure out what your rap name should be. Sure, those baggy pants look ridiculous on you, but so does your shitty haircut.

TBS: What do you do when you’re on campus during the week? DJ: When I’m not dickin’ freshman at Brown Town I’m usually sneaking into classes. I’m pretty sure I’m an electrical engineer now. TBS: Do you have a lot of friends? DJ: Human ones? No. But the Grove Squirrels helped raise me, so they’re my family. TBS: What? You were raised by squirrels? DJ: Basically. They taught me to read and write and speak. Fed me until I learned how to sneak Grey Goose and fried chicken from practically every broad in a sundress. The squirrels look after a lot of the GBs, it’s like their job. TBS: Who’s your favorite squirrel? DJ: That’s not how it works. The concept of favoritism is a largely human ideal. The Grove Squirrels taught me better than that. But, just to name one, I like Dave. He’s fluffy but not too fluffy and always shares his acorns. That’s admirable. Dave’s gonna go far.

4.) Spend All Day on Social Media: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and Tinder all deserve your attention. What kind of attention? So much that you forget about real life. Bonus points if you go on MySpace. 3.) Watch Netflix: Netflix is a gift from God and capitalism. If done right, this can eat up several days. Hell, just finding a show will take 45 minutes. Binge watch everything until your eyes start bleeding, then maybe take a study break.

TBS: Why are you laying on the ground? DJ: Dude, I’m, like, too drunk to stand. I’ve been drinking since 9 a.m. Camel?

2.) Fight Someone on a Comment Board: Any decent website allows its users to call each other names, hurl inaccurate racial slurs, and overcompensate for a sex life you might refer to as “self-driven.”The comment board is your friend, that’s right, tell DallasBoy69 that Tony Romo sucks!

TBS: No, that’s ok. Wow this ground is comfy. Oh, is that Dave? DJ: Ugh, no that’s Umberto. He’s a dick and-a-half. Just pretend like you don’t see him.

1.) Read Lists: The internet was created for two things, pornography and lists. Top 27 Reasons Your Cat Is Smarter Than You? Click on that shit. 15 Things You Need To Know About Syria? Even The Black Sheep has an endless number of Top 10 lists. Read enough of those and you’ll be more than qualified for a job at Buzzfeed, CNN, or at least The Black Sheep.

@EvanDMyers wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What is the stupidest question you’ve ever asked someone? JENNY “I asked my fiancé’s roommates if they had Tornadoes in Germany. They don’t.”

JORDAN “‘Is there a secret to opening this door?’ The door was push, not pull.”

TERRY “‘As an officer, you can’t smoke weed, right?’”

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The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour! Monday-Friday 3-7pm: $1.50 16oz. PBR and Coors, $1 off all Drinks 21 Craft Beers on Tap

Thursday & Saturday Bottle Service! Buy 2 Bottles, Get 1 Free!

EVERYDAY: 2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

Wednesday Ladies Night! 2-4-1 Skinny Bitch $2 Domestics

THURSDAY

$3.00 Well Drinks $2.00 Coors 16oz Tall Boys

Bottle Service! Buy 2 Bottles, Get 1 Free!

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas Karaoke Starting at 9pm

$4 Daquiries until 8pm* *non-home football weekends only Follow us on Twitter!

FRIDAY

Find us on Facebook at facebook.com/ theblindpigoxford or follow us on Twitter!

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

$2 Domestics until 8pm* *non-home football weekends only Follow us on Twitter!

SATURDAY

Find us on Facebook at facebook.com/theblindpigoxford or follow us on Twitter!

Bottle Service! Buy 2 Bottles, Get 1 Free!

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

Drink specials change weekly! *non home football weekends only Follow us on Twitter!

SUNDAY

$2.50 Tall Boys, $3 Mimosas, $5 Bloody Marys

Open Sundays!

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

$4 Daiquiris Open at 11AM

MONDAY

Monday Night Trivia, $2.00 Domestics

Ladies Night! Half Off Specialty Martinis and Specialty Cocktails

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

$2 Domestics $4 Octones

TUESDAY

Tall Boy Tues $2

$2 Tuesdays! $2 Domestics All Night

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

$4 Daiquiris $4 Wells

WEDNESDAY

$3.00 Pints, $5.00 Beer Flight Sampler 2 for 1 flights for ladies

Wine Wednesday! Half Off Wine and Champagne

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

Ladies Night! 2-4-1 Skinny Bitch $2 Domestics

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_OM Scan to go right to the page!

The Grid TUESDAY: $10 Burger & Bottomless Beer, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) 2-for-1 Wells & Shooters (8 - 12)

WEDNESDAY: 2 for $12 Nachos 2-4-1 Wells

Tuesday! Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf Half Price Quesadillas, $2 House Wine

Wine Down Friday 2-4-1 Glasses of House Wine 1/2 off all Bottles

SPECIAL NIGHT

$5 Chicken Finger Basket & Fries, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) 2-for-1 Wells, Domestics & Shooters (8 - 10) $2 Champagne (7-11PM)

2 for $14 Quesadillas $1.25 Natty Light

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf Half Price Appetizers until 7pm, 2 for 1 Wells from 7-10:30pm

Thirsty Thursday 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Domestics

THURSDAY

2-for-1 Spicy Chicken Sandwiches, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8)

$8 Brew and Cue (BBQ Sandwich, Beer and Fries) Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf

Wine Down Friday 2-4-1 Glasses of House Wine 1/2 off all Bottles

FRIDAY

HH - $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8)

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SATURDAY

Closed

SUNDAY

$0.25 Wings, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) $2 Pitchers (8 - 12)

2 for $14 Quesadillas $6 Pitchers

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf $6 Half Slab of Ribs, $3 Fireballs

Closed

MONDAY

$10 Burger & Bottomless Beer, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) 2-for-1 Wells & Shooters (8 - 12)

2 for $12 Jumbo Sandwich Plates $1.50 Bud Light Cans

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf Half Price Quesadillas, $2 House Wine

TUESDAY

2-for-1 Appetizers & $3 Well Whiskey, $1 off all other alcohol (3 - 8) Welfare Wednesday! $2 Wells & $1 Drafts (8 - 11:15)

2 for $12 Nachos 2-4-1 Wells

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf 2 Sandwiches for $10, $3 Well Whiskey Drinks

WEDNESDAY

WHAT KIND OF HALLOWEEN PARTY SHOULD YOU ATTEND?

If you’re seeing your dorm covered in spider webs, with a multitude of carved pumpkins, and an occasional exorcism happening at your local Catholic church, then it must be Halloween. And because it’s Halloween it must mean there are sorority and fraternity parties or house parties that you’ll be attending. There will be some awesome parties full of orange Jell-O shots and slutty costumes, and then there will be those parties that have bobbing for apples and the Halloweentown series playing in the corner. Now, one party may sound better than the other. The Black Sheep is here to help you determine which kind of party you’re attending. Enjoy whatever party you choose. PS: We hope you win the costume contest.

WHEREVER YOU NEED TO GO,

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Taken • Major: Graduated from Florida Favorite Drink: Whiskey ginger • Favorite Shot: Maker’s Mark Disgusting Drink: Jager In your experience, what nonalcoholic drink is the worst mixer?: Dr. Pepper, because it makes you look like a kid. The most overrated brand of beer/ wine/liquor is what?: Grey Goose, people just order it for the sake of saying Grey Goose. Where’s the best place to hide in The Round Table?: The nook behind the bar.

BRITTANY of ROUND TABLE THE DRINKING GAME PIN THE TAIL ON THE RA

If you could change one thing about Facebook, what would it be?: The ability to block people from inviting me to games.

What Halloween costume could you make with only what you have in your pockets or purse or bag?: I have real curly red hair, so I could easily be Murida from Brave. What do you think will be this year’s most overdone Halloween costume, and why?: Sexy bumblebee is always way over done. Have you ever wondered if love has a first name?: Yeah, I think it’s big bad. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s a paper with words.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER SUGAR-COATED CAVITY FILLING

It’s been a few months since you moved into your new dorm and you’re understandably tired of hearing shit from your RA about not “getting blacked out in the halls” or “puking in the water fountain instead of the toilet.” Whatever. It’s time to show the boss who’s boss. Follow these rules and you’ll successfully pin the tail on your RA.

Hey, you little three–year-old, you still have to go to the dentist? You still have to get fillings? Did you have too much candy this weekend? Maybe next time let your babysitter know your limitations. Or grow up and stop eating three pounds of Sour Patch Kids every week, you’re 20 years old for crissake. It’s time to move on to red meat and salads.

What You’ll Need: A pin, a piece of paper that says “ASSHOLE,” and enough speed to run away from a nerd who’s still a RA. Number of Players: You and an unsuspecting loser. Level of Intoxication: Drunk enough to stab your RA in the ass with a pin.

What You’ll Need: The maturity of a kindergartener, about $1.59 cents at a gas station, a lack of self-pride and an abundance of self-indulgence. Fatty Factor: The weight you’ll gain in fat you’ll lose in missing teeth, don’t worry about it.

How to Play: - Hold a grudge for a notice you were given weeks ago for peeing in your neighbor’s fridge. - Don’t pee for an entire week. - Finally release your urine on your RA’s doorstep as a warning shot. - When you’re done hosing down your RA’s door, knock and hide next to the entrance while giggling. - Wait for your RA to open the door, slip and fall face-first into your golden pond. - When the RA is face-down, ass-up, pin the piece of paper that reads, “ASSHOLE” into the RA’s butt. - #GTFO and RUN. The Game Ends When: You don’t wake up to a notice on your door and think the operation was a success, turn the corner and find two police officers waiting to bring you to the station.

Let’s Get Baked: - Instead of accepting an invitation from a friend to go out to the bars, stay indoors and eat four bags of popcorn. - Once you realize you’ll need something sweet to balance out all that salt, gather your quarters and go to the store for some candy. - Take one pound of Twizzlers, three cups of gummy bears and a 48 oz. sack of Sour Patch Kids and mix them in a bowl. - Grab a spoon and dig in (whipped cream on top is optional but recommended). - When you feel a sharp pain and hear a loud pop in your mouth, ignore it and continue eating. - Fall asleep with the spoon in your mouth and an empty bowl on your stomach. - Wake up to the feeling of not being able to breathe, discover you’re choking. - Cough up one of the fillings you received last week, throw away and continue eating like the proud fourth-grader you’ve set out to be. Sure, you’re probably going to die at the age of 24 with clogged veins and a sugar headache so bad your eyes begin oozing glucose, but my god, death and social disgrace has never tasted so good.

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ROUNDTABLE

MONDAY

THURSDAY

$0.25 WINGS, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8) $2 PITCHERS (8 - 12)

$5 CHICKEN FINGER BASKET & FRIES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8) 2-FOR-1 WELLS, DOMESTICS & SHOOTERS (8 - 10) $2 CHAMPAGNE (7-11PM)

TUESDAY $10 BURGER & BOTTOMLESS BEER, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8) 2-FOR-1 WELLS & SHOOTERS (8 - 12)

WEDNESDAY 2-FOR-1 APPETIZERS & $3 WELL WHISKEY, $ 1 OFF ALL OTHER ALCOHOL (3 - 8) $2 WELLS & $1 DRAFTS (8 - 11:15)

FRIDAY 2-FOR-1 SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICHES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8)

SATURDAY HAPPY HOUR: $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8)

HAPPY HOUR MONDAY - FRIDAY! $2 DOMESTICS, $3 IMPORTS, $4 WELLS, $1 OFF TOP SHELF MONDAY THURSDAY

$6 HALF SLAB OF RIBS, $3 FIREBALL

TUESDAY

HALF PRICE QUESADILLAS, $2 HOUSE WINE

WEDNESDAY

2 SANDWICHES FOR $10, $3 WELL WHISKEY DRINKS

HALF PRICE APPETIZERS UNTIL 7PM, 2 FOR 1 WELLS FROM 7-10:30PM

FRIDAY

$8 BREW AND CUE (BBQ SANDWICH, BEER AND FRIES)

! S L E B E R O G