Ole Miss - Issue 5 - 3/20/2014 by The Black Sheep

Vol.6, Issue 5

The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

FR RE T EE... L -SH IKE I RT H O W S SH OUL DB

3/20/14 - 4/2/14

THE SHIRTLESS STUDENT BODY CHANNING GREEN WROTE THIS Marcus Rigby is a sophomore at Ole Miss, and he is shirtless. “It’s ridiculous,” said the underdressed undergraduate. “I’d always heard that Ole Miss was the place you went if you wanted a decent education and an unrealistic amount of free t-shirts.” Rigby has a point. Since its founding in 1848 the University of Mississippi has been known as the Land of Free Shirts among both students and campus visitors. So what has changed? “Last year, dude, things were different,” explained shirtless dude and junior Casey Butler. “Like, I swear you couldn’t walk within a mile of the Union without being bombarded by with free stuff from the Links and SGA and whatnot. I just want my nips covered when it’s windy. Is that so much to ask?” Butler’s story is tragic but shockingly common among students here at the university. The Black Sheep polling has indicated that student organizations’ and housing complexes’ giving away of free stuff has declined by 68%, compared to what it was three years ago. This leads to a whopping 38% percent of the student body left without shirts. Bodies need shirts. We have shoulders for a reason, other than leaning with it or rocking with it. “Shirts are dumb,” argueed hairy and slightly whiskey-scented maintenance man Shelby Kemp. “If Jesus wanted us to have clothes, he would have made us with clothes already on. The only reason why I wear pants is so that I won’t go back to

jail. I’ve been at this school for 22 years and anytime I try to leave a shirt behind there’s always been someone with an extra one ready to throw at me first chance they get. It’s ungodly. I like this new shirtless utopia we got going on now. Leave it alone, boy. Say, why you wearin’ a shirt anyway? Take it off. Do it.” Kemp’s enthusiasm for this brave new shirtless world seems unmatched by anyone on campus. With Mississippi just beginning to pull away from one of the harshest winters the state has seen in decades, it’s not surprising. Visits to the Health Center with issues due to shirtlessness-related complications have reportedly skyrocketed over the past semester and a half. While they could not be specific, anonymous sources within the campus clinic have claimed a notable rise in cases like “purplenurpleitis” and “windy titty tenderness” over the past few months. How many more students have to suffer the consequences of unsolicited nipple issues due to the lack of proper clothing disbursement? Bailey Upton, a freshman, has been kind enough to provide free shirts to her fellow female students during this time of crisis. “Shirts are literally, like, $1.57 a piece at Goodwill,” Upton stated. “I don’t understand why everyone is freaking out, like, did people ever really depend on the university to provide them with clothes? That’s dumb. People are dumb. But whatever. I have too many shirts as it is.”

Upton, though kind and helpful, clearly lacks the insight to see the cruel, dehumanizing situation that her fellow students are being forced to deal with. What an idiot. “It’s embarrassing,” said a school official who asked not to be identified. “Free shirts used to be our thing. Ole Miss has the Grove, the Square, free stuff emblazoned with logos of probably real businesses. That’s the way it used to be anyway. I don’t really know how to go on being a faculty member here

anymore. This school isn’t what it was. My underarm fat is so cold these days.” With faculty members and students wandering from class to class in this barren shirtless world, there is no telling what the future might hold. If this trend continues the university will have no cups to drink from or pens to write with. “Seriously, what the actual fuck? Why is this an issue? Are you people serious? I’m

PAGE 5

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SURVIVING THE SEMESTER

TOP 10: SIGNS YOU’RE THE WORST THING AT SPRING PARTY

MAKE THE REST OF THE SEMESTER AS PAIN FREE AS POSSIBLE.

RED SOLO CUPS WERE INVENTED FOR A REASON…

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so done with all of you. I’m transferring,” said Upton, apparently feeling the need to share her rude and insensitive opinion. Bailey Upton will not be missed. She can go on to live her privileged, shirtful life at USM. Ole Miss doesn’t need her negativity in this time of crisis. Shirts and nipple guards can be donated in Farley 307. Ask for Nessus Thompson. Our thoughts and prayers go out to all the chapped nipples of Ole Miss.

PAGE 15

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READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM Post-spring break is a time of pure, uncontrollable panic. Your fifth-a-day policy has been downsized to a pint of green label since your midterm grades came back with a hell of a low-brow stutter. The word “savings” is now used exclusively in a sarcastic tone, 30-racks really start to add up when you have daily 30-man beer pong tournaments. If being that much more sober and poor weren’t enough, the amount of 10-page papers you’re assigned is nearing double digits. That’s, like, a hundred pages. Most nights you can’t even count that high. Yes, if your GPA is anywhere above a 2.0 come March, you’re a unicorn. You’re a unicorn that shits licorice and rides a dub edition Segway. It’s not too hard to recover from this stumble, though. In fact, you mostly just have to not do things. Luckily, you’re really good at not doing things. First, go to your professors and beg their mercy. This works best if you bring an offering in the form of apple or bundle of Wolfsbane. Second, Pabst and pancakes is fine on the occasional weekend but not as a morning ritual, much less when a funnel is introduced. You can use this newfound time of sobriety to study or start on the 10-page paper due tomorrow. There’s always a paper due tomorrow.

Surviving

Writing a paper should really be the least of your worries throughout college. All it really takes are some big words and a creative use of word structure. If you’re having to do more research-based work, cite every single line. A “well-researched” paper should have about half the word count met with citation alone.

the Semester BARNEY THOMPSON WROTE THIS

You’ve got the approach, now for the execution. Had you used the writing process laid out by

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whatever poor soul is tasked with teaching you, this would be a mere revision away from being finished. Now, you’ve got five hours to hammer out 10 pages of double-spaced bullshit. This is going to take a combination of pure brilliance and strictly regulated substances. Obviously meth is the best option to crank out a paper, but we’re working on a budget so onward to the Starbucks’ trash cans. Here you can grab filters full of used grounds. They’re a little soggy and cold, but once you fight back your gag reflex they go right down. That’s pure energy at the low, low cost of just your self-respect. While you’re digging through those buffet bins, it might be wise to look around for any half-eaten bagel or scones. It might not be the most dignified meal, but it makes sure you kind of cover a couple food groups. If you’ve yet to reach the point where self-respect is optional, a still-cheap alternative to trash can diving is fast food. The McDonald’s Dollar Menu makes this a real possibility for the average college student. What makes it a truly great way to sustain yourself are the wrappers your almost-food came in. After a couple weeks of destroying your body from the inside out you’ll have enough to make a nice, crinkly shirt that lets everyone know you have neither shame nor dignity. This shabby chic could even earn you the pity of your professor, earning you that highly sought-after round up when your final grade ends up being a 69.49%. Pity kicks ass. College teaches you a lot, how to be dirt poor for a few years is one of those. With some creative use of fast food packaging and forgoing the urge to maintain your dignity on a daily basis, you’ll fare just fine.

AROUND CAMPUS

HISTORICAL ARTIFACTS

CHANGE EVERYTHING

THE

TOP

TEN

KNOWLTON BOURNE WROTE THIS

LOGAN LITTLE WROTE THIS Spring parties are about to be in full swing here at Ole Miss, below we’ve listed ten ways to know if you’re a problem just waiting to start. Tighten up those snap-backs and tear those t-shirts, we’re diving in….

Oxford, MS — While breaking ground for the new roundabouts on Old Taylor Road, Oxford’s very own “lost civilization” was revealed. Deep beneath the red Mississippi dirt and littered cigarette butts, a backhoe uncovered a look into Oxford’s past.

10.) Early Riser, Early Faller: The buses are leaving for the field at 1:00p.m., you have your alarm set for 6:30a.m. with a Coors Light and a set of keys right next to the snooze button. The only thing you need to be shotgunning is some vitamin D and some poached eggs, it’s going to be a long day. Spring parties are more marathon than sprint, so put some band-aids on those nipples and pace yourself. 9.) Too-Short Cut Offs: Contrary to popular belief, the whole idea of “themed” costume parties, specifically, “redneck” themed, was not invented as a chance for guys to show off weird upper-leg hair. Ole Miss is known for academics, parties, spontaneous racism, and legs. So bros, let the fine ladies of the Greek system take point on the short shorts mission.

“It was unbelievable,” said construction project manager Gilbert Dunzie. “Our backhoe operator removed some dirt and what we found is quite a landmark for the university. Hell, maybe for all of humanity.” An entire lost civilization of college party artifacts from the university’s birth, circa 1860’s, was revealed. Artifacts include unbelievable antiquated beer pong equipment, a beer funnel made from scrap metal, early gravity bongs and even a long, round brown paper bag which is assumed to have been used as an antebellum condom. These items help uncover what the college experience at the University of Mississippi was like during its formative years. Anthropologist Tammy Dobbins was immediately called to the scene to help cipher through the artifacts.

8.) The Water’s Fine: Spontaneous pool parties are a myth of the nineties. No one has stripped down to their underwear since Jimmy Eat World’s music video for “The Middle.” We all understand that you’re on your seventh Keystone, but that doesn’t mean we are going to follow you in your attempt to become “The guy who jumped in the pool after his seventh Keystone.”

student; this is quite interesting indeed.” The artifacts were so deep beneath Old Taylor Road that they were preserved from the weather and other elements that can damage historical items. The partying artifacts, quickly becoming known as “partifacts,” were in pristine condition. Also called to the scene as a ‘partying consultant’ was the President of Kappa Sig for Ole Miss, Dulie Johnson. “Shit is dope. These kids were getting super turnt. Just hold-

“SHIT IS DOPE. THESE KIDS WERE GETTING SUPER TURNT. JUST HOLDING THE LEAD BEER PONG BALLS AND SCRAP METAL BEER FUNNEL IS RAW AS HELL.” “This is truly amazing. These artifacts are a portal into the world of a college student during the 19th century. We will conduct multiple tests to help authenticate these items, but this is a landmark day for Ole Miss and red cup culture. Truly incredible.” Dobbins continued, “It’s quite easy to understand the academic experience of an Ole Miss student during this time period due to journals and historical logs the university has kept, but these new finds really help us delve into the mind of an inebriated college

SIGNS YOU’RE THE WORST THING AT A SPRING PARTY

ing the lead beer pong balls and scrap metal beer funnel is raw as hell. Not only were these kids pioneering the Ole Miss experience, but they were getting wasted as shit. Honestly, I’d love to go head-to-head with some of these guys and see how they deal on the beer pong court. I bet these bros were slaying mad slizz too. Shit is raw.” The University of Mississippi is home to Special Collections, part of the Southern Studies department, which holds thousands of artifacts, art col-

lections, letters and historical data relating to Mississippi and Ole Miss. The head of Special Collections commented on the new findings. “This is going to put Ole Miss and Special Collections on the map,” said head of Special Collection, Colette Shonce. “Where else can you find artifacts that detail the typical Friday night for a college student in the 1860s? Ole Miss will be home to a collection that is entirely unique to the world of partying and getting hamboned.” Until more research can be done, the University of Mississippi will keep the artifacts sealed away in a temperaturecontrolled room to help preserve the relics. This uncovering has led to hundreds of Ole Miss students digging in their back yards in hopes to find what could possibly be more partying artifacts. Home Depot has seen a noted rise in shovel sales and OPD has seen a similar rise in domestic, shovel-related accidents. Dulie Johnson commented, “No telling what’s sitting right under our feet. My bros and I are going to get a case of Natty and start digging this weekend. The world of partying is just waiting to be uncovered, until then I’ll keep on funneling in the footsteps of our university’s former brethren. Cheers, bro.”

7.) Emotional Song-Picker: It’s 12:30a.m., the band just got done playing. You and your bros bring the party upstairs. The music’s booming. Girls are dancing. Your bro Blaine looks at you like, “Bruh, what ya gonna play next?” Many a party has ended by one slow, sad song choice. After a full day of drinking the last thing any partygoer wants to listen to is “Broken” by Evanesance. Everyone remembers “that guy who put the lame-ass song on that killed the vibe.” 6.) The On-Stage Dweller: So your dormmate, who is a spring pledge, got you into the party and you really want to make a name for yourself. If you want to not be as annoying as you look, don’t just go and hang out on the stage with the band or DJ. The more drunk you are, the more likely you’ll get on the mic so you can give a shout-out to “Spencer and D-Rob for keeping the snizz slick.” 5.) Attacking a Student Athlete: Noone is more respected on our campus than the Rebel athletes, also noone is more likely to beat your ass if you try to start something. Though you might think that “whoop-juice” has a “Popeye-like” effect on your muscles, we can assure you that it doesn’t, you’re just as weak as you were before that shitty mixed drink. It’s not just football and baseball athletes you should not be messing with either, no one wants to fuck with the girls rifle team. They’re like the mafia, but meaner. 4.) Exhibitionist Acts: The shorts are short and the sexual tension fuses are even shorter. Though alcohol is muddying up the judgment of all these daddy’s girls it’s important to remember that spring parties are not BangBros-sponsored events. 3.) Altercation With Your Girlfriend: If we wanted to watch a relationship meltdown we could’ve just taken our Pabst home and watched some Maury. Hit up the free counseling services at the Health Center or go seek the Lord’s guidance on pre-marital dating at the BSU, but for the love of Jesus Hector don’t be that “the guy who argued with his girlfriend about dumb shit the whole party.” 2.) 5-0 Attracter: Spring parties are a big deal. A lot of fun to be had by a lot of people, some of whom might just bend a few rules such as “underage drinking” or “alcohol on campus.” Just because there might be some rule bending doesn’t mean you and your posse of snap-back wearing bros need to go around acting like it’s Amsterdam. Beer in cup, always. No glass. Keep the Flexi Flask between your balls. Follow these simple rules and our good men and women at the Oxford Police Department won’t pay you any mind. 1.) Shitting on The Bus: It’s convenient, it’s quick, it seems like a good idea, but trust us, it’s not. Shitting on the bus is a frowned-upon action whether you are going to or coming from a spring party. Yes, we understand that Keystone runs right through you and it can sometimes be difficult to keep everything together in the back of a shaky old school bus, but that’s no excuse. The last person to shit on the bus was coming back from the Great Field Party of ‘84. John Gentry Huwitt, Chi Delta Theta, after a whopping 12 Keystones, felt the move was right at the time, but after and immediate expulsion and shunning from society, he truly came to regret his decision to become “that guy” and shit on the bus. DON’T BE A JOHN GENTRY HUWITT.

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT WOULD YOU NAME YOUR OWN BRAND OF MALT LIQUOR? Sawyer

“Dream Catcher.”

Ciaran (Farr)

“Farr Farr Gone.”

Tori

“Rainbow Barbie.”

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WED.

eleven reasons

(and a half )

why you should stop kidnapping the elderly Tex Mex wrote this We know what you’re thinking: “Seriously, The Black Sheep, are you trying to suck the fun out of my Friday nights?” Trust us, we’re more upset about corporate making us write this as some stupid “learn from your mistakes/help us get out of the legal trouble you caused us” piece. So, as useless as it sounds, here’s 11 ½ reasons why you should stop kidnapping the elderly.

1. it’s just too expensive of a hobby

3.you’re running out of ideas for ransom letters

Studies have shown that smoking a pack of cigarettes everyday for a year can end up costing over $2,000. A year of kidnapping old people could cost you $1,000 alone on gas (depending on the location of your preferred retirement home), over $2,000 in pre-chewed foods, $3,000 for assorted entertainment like silk doilies and seasons of Golden Girls on DVD, and $500 for parts and maintenance. Unless you’ve kidnapped an aging Mr. Monopoly, your stupid part-time job isn’t going to cut it.

For the first couple of weeks, there was nothing quite as exciting as writing to morbidly stressedout family members that you have their dear Gammy Marjorie captive and she’s worth approximately “X” amount of dollars. Nowadays, you’re likely too busy to cut individual letters from magazines and you’re running out of eerie, foggy piers to host transactions. You can always send a, “Hi, [FAMILY NAME]. This is [CAPTIVE ELDER]. I am doing fine,” card, but where’s the soul in that?

2. you have your own grandparents Depending on how long you’ve been up to your shenanigans, you could have anywhere from three to three hundred stolen elders crammed into your basement. Why ignore the perfectly sound grandparents you already have at your disposal? We know about the stack of unopened, cheesy Christmas cards sitting on your desk waiting to be opened. For shame.

4. your car will get that new “old people” smell At this point, you definitely shouldn’t be driving your mom’s matte black minivan for your raids anymore because it’s not exactly the most inconspicuous looking vehicle. Depending on how ransom money has gone (if you’re into that sort of thing), you’ve probably treated yourself to a nice early-2000s Honda Civic, or at least a car that makes wide scale abduction a little more tasteful and environmentally friendly. But it’s only a matter of time before that “scented pine” air freshener yields to “formaldehyde and prunes.”

ELEVEN REASONS / STOP KIDNAPPING THE ELDERLY

5. you’re tired of being mistaken for someone’s grandchild Agnes tells you every day that you remind her of her handsome, strapping-young-lad-of-a-grandson, David, and it’s breaking your fucking heart. For the first few weeks, it was fun to humor the Alzheimer’s sufferers of the lot, taking on different personas they found heartwarming. You probably haven’t realized that you ended up with a wicked case of multiple personality disorder, a few good-and-confused elders, and a writhingly depressing story that will probably get picked up by Spielberg in time for the next Academy Awards.

6. they’re causing you to seriously doubt your generation You probably thought that the whole “Back in my day…” story intro was only in the movies, and boy-oh-boy, you couldn’t have been more wrong. At this point, you had to have gone through enough of Boris’ talks about the early 50s to know that being a Millennial is bad, and you should feel horrible about it. Did you know that, back in his day, Americans used to be afraid of red-stained, good-for-nothing Commie bastards rather than flat-out electing one as President? Or how about the fact that Elvis was the real king of rock before those damned Beatles brought long hair and sex appeal to this once-fine country? Yeah, the 90s sure were better times, huh?

7. they don’t make the best sweatshop laborers Let’s be honest for a second, buddy: We all know that some people are in this business just for the money, and that passionless person could very well be you. The flaw in your likely failing operation is that you’ve been abducting the wrong age demographic this whole time. When you order Gertrude to tweak the inner screws of the textile machine, did you take into account that she needs reading glasses? Not to mention that you’ve probably been breaking some sort of labor law because of some dumb Retirement Act that forces you to treat your aging workers like people. You’re operating at a loss, friend, and it might be time to file for bankruptcy before you’re as old as your work force.

8. you’re almost out of random relatives to impersonate It was easy enough the first time to just stroll on in Shady Oaks

and proclaim that you were Bobby [LAST NAME], fit and able to pick up your dear Grandpa [LAST NAME FROM EXCEL SHEET] before wheeling his confused ass straight from the exit ramp to the back of your trunk. However, only an amateur old people snatcher would dare waltz into a nursing home with the same disguise twice. Forty-seven fake occupations and innumerable drag outfits that even Mrs. Doubtfire would find questionable later, your only viable options at this point probably rely heavily on skin pigmentation. Then again, with your track record, it may be clear that the reception staff clearly doesn’t give a shit of who stays and who goes.

9. your social life is suffering Remember the good old days when your friends wanted to play “house” and you always wanted to be the grandparent? Or when you would always insist in high school that you be called “The Grandpappy” with zero explanation? You even don’t go out dressed like a pigeon for the old ladies at the park to get closer to their soft, sagging skin nearly as much as you used to. In between those pastimes and listening to Lawrence Welk vinyls, it’s hard to believe why you would ever even consider kidnapping old people in the first place.

10. you’re eventually going to have to tell the nurse you’ve fallen in love with what you “really” do Your stops at the reception desk are becoming more than just “small-talk chats.” Your first couple dates with Mary were wonderful, and there’s no doubting she’s an absolute angel. Hell, you’re set to meet the parents next week. You know the inevitable “So, X, what exactly do you do for a living?” question is going to pop up, and “entrepreneur” just isn’t going to cut it anymore.

11. you’ve begun to realize that changing catheters isn’t as fun as it sounds To an extent, this one’s very much like hyping up alcohol as a teenager, only to find out that it loses its thrill very

quickly. If you’ve been someone who’s been an equal opportunity kidnapper supporting all old folks without preference, good on you, but that decision’s about to bite you square in the tuckus. Your house smells more of elderly urine than the usual aroma of cat urine, and it has likely made all of the cats you stole last summer incredibly jealous. If you can’t balance the overpowering stench of household urine across all kidnapped parties, you may as well admit that you don’t take abducting geezers seriously, and that’s pretty upsetting to us.

11 1/2. You’ve realized that the police are outside your house Like, they’re literally about to burst through the front door right now. We agreed to tip them off in order to lessen our own sentence. We sincerely apologize, but if it took you the full 11 1/2 reasons before you realized that you needed to get the hell out of dodge and let your people go, then you probably deserved to get caught anyway. Sorry!

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Relationship Status: In a relationship

BARTENDER

Major: Liberal Studies Favorite Drink: Vodka Sprite Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Prairie fire, it’s tequila and hot sauce

ROCKSTAR

What is the least used liquor behind your bar?: Captain Morgan Lime and Crown Royal Maple Has anyone ever tried to pay for a drink with something other than money or sex?: Yes, drugs.

OF THE WEEK Jackson of Round Table

How long do you think you could spin in a circle behind the bar without hitting something or someone?: 10 Seconds

What’s your favorite rap line?: “I’ma put that jimmy on and rock that body right.” Why shouldn’t we ask you to borrow some money?: I’m an impulsive buyer. What carnival game, if forced, would you bet your life on?: I’d rather ride the rides. Would you rather push a grandma down the stairs or shit all over the bed during sex?: Shit the bed during sex, gotta keep them guessing. I know what you are, but what am I?: The random girl asking me really personal and weird questions. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I’m the Bartender of the Week!

RECIPE for DISASTER

DRINKING GAME Finger Bowl

Ramen Fried Rice

Drinking games are usually based on skill, which is why, Jesus Christ, Arnold, hit the f***ing cup once in a while, man! Finally we get to share a game based on luck, meaning finally, Arnold, we can mitigate your overall awfulness.

Listen, we know you’re in college and living cheap. If you’re sick of eating at the same Chinese joint that failed its past 11 health inspections or if you’re just too hungover to walk over there, then check out our recipe for Ramen Fried Rice.

What You’ll Need: 1 bowl, different types of alcohol and some fingers. Number of Players: As many that can fit around a table. Level of Intoxication: One person could puke pretty fast, that’s for sure.

What You’ll Need: 1 package of oriental ramen noodles, 1/2 cup peas, 2 eggs, 1 teaspoon sesame oil, 1 pinch white pepper, 1 tablespoon peanut oil, 4 green onions (finely chopped), 1 teaspoon chopped garlic and 1/2-1 cup chopped chicken Cook Time: About five minutes Risk of Self-Induced Food Poisoning: HIGH

How to Play: - Get a bowl and place it in the center of a table. - Everyone should pour some of their alcohol into the bowl. The drinks can be anything—beer, tequila, a rum and Coke, whatever. You can put as much or as little as you want in there as well. - Everyone stands around the table and places one finger on the lip of the bowl. So if there are five people playing, there should be five fingers on the bowl (duh). - All players close their eyes. - One person counts to three. At the count of one, decided whether or not to remove your finger from the bowl. - After he says “three,” everyone shouts out how many fingers they think will remain on the bowl. - Each person needs to account for the number the person to their right announces. - For example, the counter shouts, “one, two, three!” and you say “six,” if there are six fingers left on the bowl, you are out and can sit off to the side until the game is done. - The counter can vary the pace they say the numbers to mess people up when trying to pull their fingers away. - The last person standing has to drink the mixture in the bowl.

Let’s Get Baked: - Break the noodles into about six pieces in a bowl, sprinkle with the contents of the seasoning packet and pour boiling water over to cover. - Stir a bit and let soak while you prepare the rest of the recipe. - Rinse peas with hot water in a colander to defrost. - Mix together the eggs, sesame oil, and pepper and set aside. - Heat skillet and add oil. - Add garlic and green onions, stir-fry for 30 seconds. - Add optional meat and peas and stir fry until hot, about one minute. - Drain the noodles well, add to the skillet and stir-fry for another two minutes, stirring constantly. - Stir in the soy sauce. - Pour the eggs into the skillet and continue to cook and stir until the eggs are cooked. -Serve

The Game Ends When: There’s vomit in the bowl, because there probably will be.

If your stomach doesn’t feel like it’s swimming in acid 15 minutes after eating, then congrats, you won’t die!

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The Library Stacks Killer MICAJAH HENLEY WROTE THIS The following information is a mostly true story of the self-proclaimed Library Stacks Killer. After a series of freezing cold days that immediately followed the warmest days Oxford has had the pleasure of experiencing since the fall, an overworked graduate student, Tony Shapiro of Grand Rapids, Michigan, accidentally crushed junior Nathaniel H. Shuckleford in the library stacks. After rotating the lever that set the surprisingly dangerous shelves into motion, it was too late to do anything but watch. This is that story. “It was just like any other day,” claims Shapiro. “We were all a little crazy that week, you know?” According to Shapiro, the combination of midterms and appearance of pure, white snow on the Grove’s new and suspiciously green grass stirred something in him that he had never before encountered. “I had been feeling trapped in this

cycle of reading, drinking coffee, barely sleeping, and constantly touring the library for books. I can’t afford to actually buy them—the prices of these damned things” he said while clenching his fists and looking like he had just seen life leave a body. “I felt like the grass— trapped—waiting for something to arise. And that’s when it happened.” That Monday, Shapiro went to the library, searching the stacks on the third floor for a book that he had to have finished by the following afternoon. Cruising through the library and decoding the Library of Congress’ overly complicated alphanumerical system of organization, a dazed Shapiro eventually found that his book was on shelf that he could only get to like a mobster in a 1940s heist movie. Unaware of his own strength that stemmed from his book arms, Shapiro spun the wheel that would awaken demons in him that he never knew existed.

“Then it all happened so fast. I cranked the shelves in order to get the book I needed for class. Before I knew it, I heard a loud cry,” recalled an anxious Shapiro. “WHAT THE H?’” yelled the innocent victim. Shapiro then quickly left the stacks, fled from the library and never looked back. Hiding under the stairs on the first floor of the Student Union, Shapiro’s nerves turned into pure elation. “I had never heard anything like it. Not only was the tone and pitch abnormal for a male voice, but I never heard anyone use a single letter as an explicative. I must admit—I liked it. Never in my life have a felt more alive than at that moment.” Much like a character in an Edgar Allen Poe story or Michael Bay, Shapiro became pleased with himself. He knew he had committed the perfect crime. But on the bus ride home, the ecstasy turned into fear.

“I began to feel guilty,” admitted Shapiro. “For all I know, this man had never known the touch of a woman, and I took that from him and replaced it with the touch of hundreds of books on Spanish colonialization pressed against his poor, innocent flesh.” But that’s not all that worried the suspect. “As guilty as I felt, I was more afraid of what I would do next. I began to wonder, ‘could I do this again?’ ‘Is this going to be ‘my thing?’ ‘I AM the Library Stacks Killer,’ I began to think. I could no longer be trusted; not even with my own thoughts,” said Shapiro with the eyes reminiscent of Bob Costas’ hosting the Olympics. “That’s when I turned myself in. I took the bus back to campus and went straight to UPD and confessed to all that I had done.” After the lengthy overshare of a confession, the campus police began to laugh.

“Son, we have no idea what you’re talking about, maybe go see the nurse,” advised the officers. Returning to the scene of the crime, Shapiro didn’t see a body, nor did he smell the stench of rotting flesh that he had anticipated upon his return. That’s when Shapiro went to the reference desk and asked if there had been any incidents on the third floor recently. “Oh yeah, you betcha,” began the only student from Wahpeton, North Dakota that Ole Miss has ever enrolled, “Some guy with a high voice and a Teenage Mutant

Ninja Turtles backpack got caught in between two shelves earlier today while he was tryin’ to enjoy his Ring Pop.” Shapiro asked, “So he’s ok?” “Oh yeah,” said the student worker at the reference desk, “just a couple of scratches and bruises.” Realizing that he needed more sleep, less coffee, and some time away from the books, Shapiro felt embarrassed about the entirety of the situation. As he walked away from the library, he couldn’t help but feel a little incomplete. There would be no blood on his hands… Today.

the crossword: famous steve(n)’s ACROSS: 3) American political satirist, comedian and television host. 6) Steve Irwin died from this animal. 8) Steve Jobs created this revolutionary brand. 10) Steve Carell shouts this person’s name while getting waxed in 40 Year-Old Virgin, two words. 12) This famous Stephen is a celebrity physicist. 14) Shia LaBeouf was the lead actos in this Disney Channel show, two words. 16) He directed Jaws and E.T., just to name a few. 17) Stephen Colletti, also know at “Ste-phennnn!” was first

daying who on Laguna Beach? 19) This fictional Steve famously said, “Did I do that?” DOWN: 1) In our humble opinion, the best host of Family Feud. 2) Stephen Hillenburg created this popular Nickelodean animated series. 3) Steven Tyler is the lead singer of this band. 7) This famous Stevie sang “Edge of Seventeen.” 8) This Steve is Stone Cold 9) Brothers Alex, Daniel, Wiliam and Stephen. 11) Stephen, the “City Surrounded by Gold, is in which state?

13) Blind musician born in Saginaw, Michigan. 15) This Stephen wrote the lyrics for West Side Story. 18) Stephen King’s The Shining has this infamous saying, two words.

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House fried tortilla chips smothered with your choic pulled pork or smo ked chicken,cheese sauce, and BBQ sauce. $9.00 jalapenos add $.50

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$8 Brew and Cue (BBQ Sandwich, Beer and Fries)

s topped with cheese and bacon. $5 Rebel Nachos House fried tortilla chips topped with a crea my sausag cheese dip. $9.00

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Mozzarella Sticks

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Half Price Apps.– until Sandwich es – 7pm, 2 for 1 Wells from 7-10:30pm Regular / Jumbo BBQ

Served with fries.

1/4 # of Hickory smo ked pulled pork with slaw / 1/2 # of Hickory smoked pull ed pork with slaw. 8.00 / 9.00

Beef Brisket

Our beef brisket, seas oned and smoked for hours for a de smoky flavor and chop ped served on texas toast. 9.00 Burger

HAPPY HOUR!

Eight ounces of bee f, pickle, onions, lett uce, and tomato mustard and mayo on a ciabatta bun. $8.0 0

Bacon Cheese Burger

Eight ounces of bee f, cheddar or pepper jack cheese, and tw slices of bacon on a ciabatta bun. $9.50

Monday - Friday: $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf The Don Vito

Chicken breast saut eed with onions and tomatoes in a white wine sauce, provolo ne cheese, and ranc h dressing served on ciabatta bun. $9.50 a

The Swog Style Pork

A fried pork loin toss ed in a house made buffalo sauce with lettuce, tomato, onio ns, brown sugar bac on, pepper jack cheese and a fried egg on a ciabatta bun . $10.00

– Quesadil la

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Hickory smoked Pull

ed Pork

1/2 # Pulled pork, ched

dar cheese, BBQ sauc

Beef Brisket

e 9.00

Hickory smoked Bris ket, onions, peppers , cheddar cheese with BBQ sauce on the side 9.00

132 COURTHOUSE SQUARE | (662) 513-0588 Chicken

Smoked or Seared Chic ken with onions, pep pers, cheddar cheese served with salsa and sour crea m 9.00 Warning: Consumptio

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