Vol.6, Issue 6
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FRE E. LOS .. LIKE SO F YO M O U R UR NING BRA CKE THE T.
4/3/14 - 4/16/14
COMMUTERS ARE PRETTY MUCH THE WORST THING EVER, UNIVERSITY IMPLIES CHANING GREEN WROTE THIS With the closing of the commuter and faculty parking lot beside the FedEx building and the recent conversion of the commuter parking lot in front of the Tad Pad to staff parking only, questions regarding the university’s vendetta against commuters have begun to arise among Ole Miss students. With a hefty price tag of $95, one would think a commuter parking pass would allow students at least some convenience in parking. Recent parking lot closures and conversions stand to contradict that statement. “It’s like they don’t want us to go to school,” said sophomore commuter Luke Hanna. “I paid good money for this parking pass and I’m lucky if I can get a spot anywhere on campus after 9 a.m. I don’t even try to look for one close to my class anymore. I just need a spot to leave my car.” The only logical reason for this imposed exile of commuters is that the university simply doesn’t care for the commuter population. Ole Miss hates them and want them nowhere near their campus, lest they be put down like a rabid dog. A work-study student in the Department of Parking and Transportation claims this to be exactly the case. The student, who asked to remain anonymous stated that, “One time, there was this old guy in here, and he was like ‘Commuters are the worst thing ever. If we did things like they did when I was a boy, we’d gas ‘em all
and burn ‘em.’ He was a really scary dude. Smelled like peppermint and war crimes. Not my type of grandpa.” So does the university really hate commuters? “Yeah, we totally hate commuters,” said Terence Clark of the Department of Parking and Transportation at the university. “We don’t really have any logic behind it other than commuters are usually just the worst kind of people. They don’t wanna live on campus and yet they still wanna go to school here. How does that make any sense? Who does that? I can’t stand indecisive people. They enrage me. I am enraged.” When asked for further explanation as to what the university has against students that live off campus, Clark proceeded to smash things and yell in what seemed to be Russian. He provided no more useful information. The Black Sheep was unable to reach any other university official to comment on their prejudices, but a spokesperson for the university insisted that there was a new parking garage under construction that would be available to commuters in the near future. It all sounds kind of suspicious. Whether it is truly a commuter parking garage or a commuter parking trap has yet to be seen.
campus life. Commuters Against Restraining Rights Of The Students (CARROTS) is made up of Ole Miss commuters and commuter sympathizers.
live in the dorms doesn’t make me less of a student. Just give me a spot to park my car. Not asking for much here. Why you gotta be a dick about it?”
Meanwhile, there is an organization on campus emerging that is in full support of commuters’ right to be an active part of
“We go to school here too,” asserted CARROTS member and generally angry girl Vanessa Howell. “Just because I can’t afford to
So far CARROTS has made no progress in its attempt to cajole the university into not being such “a dick about it.”
While representatives of the University of Mississippi continue to insist that there is a massive parking garage on its way, there seems to be no end in sight to this parking mayhem. Students that reside off campus may have to resort to desperate measures, like hitchhiking to class or riding the bus.
PAGE 5
PAGE 6
PAGES 10-11
SHY FRESHMAN SPEAKS, BECOMES GIANT TOOL
OXFORD COUPLE TAKES PILGRIMAGE TO TARGET
TYRION LANNISTER’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE
SHOULD’VE KNOWN BY HIS AFFLICTION SHIRT, THOUGH.
IT’S HARD NOT TO TEAR UP WHEN YOU’RE FACE-TO-FACE WITH MECCA.
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Shy Freshman Speaks, Becomes Giant Tool BARNEY THOMPSON WROTE THIS Oxford, MS -- Shy freshman Ryan La’doolicle spoke for the first time in his Intro to Abstract Theories and Easy-Bake physics class since arrive back from Christmas break in January. “The teacher asked me my name, so I told him,” said La’doolicle when asked to reflect on this precedent-setting moment. La’doolicle then, for the fourth time during our interview, quickly excused himself to the restroom without making eyecontact. La’doolicle’s classmates were blown away when they heard him speak. “I didn’t even know someone was sitting there, I thought it was a ghost or something, man,” said Chet Shill as a rhinestone popped off of his Affliction t-shirt. “Spooky stuff right there, you ever seen Ghost Hunters? Dude wears the raddest shirts.”
Others, on the other hand, took notice of the sound coming from La’doolicle’s facehole. “It was, like, kind of annoying, y’know?” said Ashley Glamorglop, the walking embodiment of an upward inflection. “I was trying to talk to this grade-A piece of poon-pounder about my ski trip to ‘Spen. It was so stitch, and that little dude totally interrupted me when he asked that other little dude what his name was.” The professor, Ricklo D’Simpson, was unsure why we were even talking to him about this. “Is this your job? You asked people about other people saying their name?” Simpson inquired. “He said his name, not the cure for cancer. Get the hell outta my face with that camera.” In an attempt to get by our wall of journalistic intention, Simpson shoved Josh, the The Black Sheep cameraman away. Josh
lost his footing and was struck by an oncoming cyclist. Josh can be visited at Rebel’s Pass Memorial Hospital, though he is in a coma. In a follow-up interview with La’doolicle, we found out that things could not be going better for the freshman who spoke in class. “I’m like a celebrity now bro,” said La’doolicle sporting a bedazzled Affliction tee and Italian greaser accent. “I got teachers asking me questions left and right like I’m Webster or something, y’know? I’m like, ‘No professor, who do you think Copernicus was?’ gets ‘em every time.” La’doolicle now travels around with a posse of no less than eight dime-pieces, “or 16 nickels, if y’know what I mean.” La’doolicle unironically yarns. Having witnessed the transformation, Professor Simpson has since apologized
for putting our cameraman Josh into a coma and agreed to a five-minute interview in exchange for us dropping the multi-million dollar lawsuit against him. As the monument of journalistic integrity in Oxford, MS, The Black Sheep gladly made the deal; Josh can pay for his own bills, we answer only to the call of news. “Dude’s a real dick now,” said Simpson. “He walked in front of the projector and that shirt of his blinded the first three rows. Literally. They can’t see anymore.”
La’doolicle doesn’t see the problem with his new swag. “Hater’s are going to hate,” said La’doolicle, who then popped his shirt at us and shouted to a female student if “‘Dat ass was certified beef, or what?” La’doolicle’s parents could not be reached for comment, most likely due to the intense shame felt when they received the picture of their son we faxed to them. More people should fax.
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OLE MISS STUDENT
BLOWN AWAY BY WORKLOAD KNOWLTON BOURNE WROTE THIS
Oxford, MS — This week marked an academic milestone for Ole Miss student Gregory Munch as he was “blown away” by the amount of homework assigned to him. Being on the cusp of graduating, Munch was outraged and disgusted as his Management 371 teacher “assigned a bunch of straight garbage.” The sixth-year senior marketing major, was taken aback as his professor assigned homework just one week after the class had taken a test.
Thompson continued, “Sally Glick is a relatively new professor, after a semester or two she’ll have her passion for teaching extinguished by the crippling student loans most teachers are still paying off, not to mention students like Gregory Munch. It’s just too exhausting.”
“I don’t know about you, but this teacher is going above and beyond being a dick.” The student continued, “Not only is baseball season in full swing but I’m graduating this May, I don’t have time for this busy work my teacher is slinging at us.”
Ole Miss has seen a drop in test scores and GPA as of recent years. A whopping 80% of Ole Miss students have completely forgotten that class time is good for things other than looking at selfies and Nicholas Cage memes.
Management teacher Sally Glick, simply responded with, “It’s in the syllabus. I’ve had many students who have been outraged by the amount of work I have assigned for them this semester.” Glick admitted to assigning a reading once a week as well as three tests and a three page paper over the course of the entire semester.
Munch continued to comment on the mammoth amount of school work assigned to him and his class. “Not only is our teacher going HAM on the workload, she’s actually taking attendance in class! I’m like, what? I stayed up all night watching March Madness, I can’t also be getting up at 9:30a.m. to go to class. Too much. Something has to change.”
“Straight garbage, I’m over here getting back into the swing of school, three weeks after spring break and homegirl, Sally Glick, wants me to get on Blackboard to read some shit about management style. Might as well ask me to bend over for her,” The senior remarked, pantomiming violent prison rape, “real power move on her part.”
Munch and his classmates have raised awareness for the exhausting work conditions the teacher’s assignments have created for the class. “What’s next? Our teachers are going to start assigning group work or outside reading. If I wanted to offer up my entire life and time to this exhausting amount of homework then I would have just sold myself into slavery. I hear Ukraine has a really great market for sex slaves right now.”
Although Munch was outraged by the ‘unreal’ amount of work assigned by Glick, many of Munch’s other teachers have “let the workload fall to the wayside.” Marketing professor Joe Thompson said, “It’s been a while since I’ve assigned any
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work to my students. Most of them mentally check out early sophomore year, while the rest of them might just be brain dead from borderline substance abuse of alcohol.”
This case is waiting to be seen by the student advisory board and dean of students for reported teaching misconduct and abuse of power.
AROUND CAMPUS
THE
TOP
TEN
THINGS TO NOT SAY DURING A SUMMER JOB INTERVIEW BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS
10.) “But first, let me take a selfie”: Obviously, this job interview is very important. After you introduce yourself and the interviewer tells you to take a seat, you shouldn’t ask if you can take a selfie for Instagram with the caption: “Lyke OMG first job interview #dolladollabillyo #professional #summer2014.” If you slip up and say it anyway, try to rebound by covering it up. “By selfie I meant self-assurance. I’m responsible like that.” 9.) “Hey can I bum a cigarette?”: Your interviewer will not appreciate the bluntness of the question. You should offer them one! If he says no, say “Good! Because smoking is terrible for you!” and spit on the floor.
OXFORD COUPLE TAKES
PILGRIMAGE TO TARGET MICAJAH HENLEY WROTE THIS “It had felt like forever since we had gone last. We usually stop by every time we back home to Franklin, but up until recently, it had been almost nine months since we last visited the holiest of the holy superstores,” says Heather Ashby with her boyfriend of three years, Eric Newman. The Franklin, Tennessee natives who are finishing their second year at Ole Miss have been suffering from what has been unofficially called Major Target Withdrawl. Commonly found among middle-class white people, symptoms include: the desire to smell mediocre popcorn, the need to be under fluorescent light that bounces off unusually clean floors, and craving for personal-sized Pizza Hut pizzas. “When we found out that there was a Target only an hour or so away in Olive Branch, we knew what we had to do. We saved up and researched the area. We were more than happy to discover that there was a Panera down the road. Heather loves French onion soup. “It’s my cross to bear,” laughs the zealot Target shopper. The couple discovered the whereabouts of the Target on a Wednesday afternoon, then processed to plan their weekend around their visitation to the shopping site. “I even got my super-nice Canon camera my dad got me a couple years ago when I was really into MySpace photography. I can’t help but feel that everything concerning the camera had led to this moment. We knew that if we were going to go to Target in Mississippi, few people would believe us. We wanted to have the photographic evidence for the nonbelievers as testimony,” explains Heather. “As soon as we got into the parking lot it was hard not to tear up. We had been going through major separation anxiety and Major Target Withdraws. The relief was palpable,” says Eric as he holds back from tearing up as he recalls
06
approaching the superstore. “We had a woman carrying her baby stop to take a picture of us in front of the Target even,” continues Eric. “It may be too soon to say, but we’re thinking of using it for our Christmas cards this December,” Heather says as she looks lovingly into her partners eyes. “I’m not going to lie—as soon as we stepped foot inside, I dropped to my knees, faced East, and kissed the ground. I could really feel the spirit of the micro-Starbucks and the Merona polo sales taking over me. I couldn’t think of another way to express my gratitude. And the floors are super clean so it wasn’t like weird or anything. Would I do it again?” a question that no one from The Black Sheep had asked, “Ya damn straight I would,” says Eric with a level of pride that startle Beowulf. “Goodness, we must have spent at least three hours in there. We didn’t want to leave any stone unturned. We got a new ottoman, ecofriendly light bulbs for the kitchen, Fried Green Tomatoes for five dollars, we each got a new bathing suit, and Eric got an argyle sweater for each day of the week on sale on the clearance rack,” explains Heather. “The hardest part is always leaving, you know?” Eric says as his tone shifts once again to a sound of pure mourning. “I’m not sure when we’ll go back, but nothing can keep us from the pretzels and cheese for too long. My only regret is that we didn’t go into the home and gardening section,” begins Heather. “But you can’t do EVERYTHING in one trip!” What followed was several hours of answers to questions that were not prompted by The Black Sheep reporters that are unable to be contained in any editorial. However, the couple plans to move to Olive Branch after graduating and have both agreed to attempt to graduate a year earlier in order to be closer to their beloved Target.
8.) “How many employees have you slept with?”: While the interviewer may have slept with over ten of their employees at one time or another, this is not a very professional question. The interviewer might get the wrong idea and think you’re an undercover cop or something. If you really need to know how many employees he has slept with, just sleep with him and ask if you were his first. 7.) “My skills include browsing Reddit and smoking weed.”: Although you may possess particularly good refer-smoking and Reddit-lurking prowess the interviewer could be a fan of 4chan, Tumblr, and cocaine, which won’t get you the job. Instead, tell them that your skills include web design and herbal medicine. You’ll get the job. 6.) “Do you watch My Little Pony?”: If you’re a brony, all power to you. Just don’t the interview has this mutual… interest. The interviewer may very well be a brony too, and if that’s the case it’ll be worth the risk of asking him so you can show him your MLP tattoo. But if he’s not a brony, you won’t get the job. Instead, just tell him that you’re great with kids. It might land you a higher-up position because you have more marketable skills. 5.) “Does this look cancerous?”: Don’t show the interviewer the mole on your inner thigh, even if you’re concerned that it might be cancerous. The interviewer is not a doctor and can’t correctly identify a benign mole with his naked eye. But you should probably get that checked out. 4.) *Fart*: Had a little too much Chipotle before the interview? The smell from a bad meal coming out the other end could offend even the politest of interviewers. If you feel the urge, excuse yourself into the hallway and relieve yourself for the actual employees to smell, they can’t do anything about it. Or just blame it on the interviewer; stare him down without blinking until he admits it. 3.) “Dude I was going so hard down at Unofficial last month”: Oh, you went to Unofficial? Sweet! Talking about your alcoholism isn’t going to land you a job, not even at a bar in your hometown. If you wanna get wasted at work all the time, you can get a job at Wal-Mart. 2.) “Say My Name.” Interviewer: -Your Name-. “You’re God Damn Right”: We all saw Breaking Bad, no need to quote it. As funny as it would be to intimidate the fuck out of the interviewer, do not pretend to be a drug dealer from New Mexico. Or… give it a try! It might be better to pretend to be that, since you have no real skills. 1.) “My biggest weakness? Sexy interviewers.” *bites lip*: Don’t hit on your interviewer during the interview. You don’t want to complicate things by needing to provide constant sexual favors to your boss at Sears over the summer. It’s not worth it, man. A little footsie is fine, but nothing more, or he’ll start to expect it! Some playful winking or eye batting is also acceptable. Be subtle, douche!
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE GROSSEST THING YOU’VE EVER PUT UP WITH TO GET SOME? Jacob
“Bad body odor.”
Aubri
“Alcohol and cigarette breath.”
Sarah
“A guy who chews tobacco.”
07
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WED.
Tyrion Lannister’s
GUIDE TO COLLEGE HANNAH WEYER WROTE THIS
When picking idols from Westeros, it’s very important that you choose wisely. Taking advice from Walder Frey seems harmless when you’re shtupping sixteen-year-olds, but if you’re not careful, you could end up [SEASON 3 SPOILER ALERT] mass-murdering your King and his entire posse at his uncle’s wedding. And listening to Theon Greyjoy could get your wiener cut off and sent to your dad. It’s a tricky business. That’s why it’s important to recognize the magnificence of Tyrion Lannister, our pocket-sized Westerosi idol. Tyrion not only has never killed anyone that we liked, he lives his life by a code we can really get behind: “Fuck bitches, get money.” He’s a clever little imp with a shitty dad and incestuous siblings (something we can all relate to) and he knows how to work the business-end of a shield. Is this wine-logged, scar-faced dwarf great? Yes. The greatest? Absolutely. A standard we should hold ourselves to the rest of our lives? Pretty much. Let’s all model our lives after our favorite little monster, starting with college!
F*CK BITCHES:
Take what you can get, man. Tyrion understands the importance of poon, make no mistake. Bitches’ cold asses belong on the wall though, because they won’t touch the pintsized player. Does this bother tiny Tyrion? Bitch please. Nothing cramps this Lion’s style. When ladies don’t respond to his smooth moves, Tyrion takes his dang-ding-dong to a hooker house. He spewnds a medium-sized fortune on hookers every year, not because he got his wittle feewings hurt and needs numbing no-nos, but because he knows that to keep his brain running at optimum levels he has to bone on the reg. We can all learn something from that.
GET MONEY:
When your bank account is bottomless, so is your beer. When your beer is bottomless, so is your weekend. To party like a rock star, you need to write un-bounced checks like a rock star. How? Tyrion suggests being born a Lannister. But if you’re a loser that can’t be born a Lannister, marry a Lannister. Bang a Lannister. Blackmail a Lannister. Entertain a Lannister. Pretend to be a Lannister. Make shoes for a Lannister. Somehow get a Lannister indebted to you, because a Lannister always pays his debts. God, you really do need to find a rich friend or two.
DRINK:
Drinking is good for you. It relieves stress, protects you from dealing with your sister sober and isn’t cholera-laced water that will kill you dead. But don’t be drinking whatever like some idiot Baratheon. No, the Imp has some ground rules: 1.) Being drunk all the time is not easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it. Earn your drunkenness. 2.) Everything is better with a belly full of wine, especially your parents. 3.) Start with the cocktails and don’t touch the
cheap crap until you’re too drunk to know the difference. Don’t be a noob.
BE CLEVER:
You’re in college because you’re smart, and you’re smart because you have to compensate for that face somehow. See what we did there? That there was Grade-A eloquent snark. The clever insult is Tyrion’s bread and butter, and it can be yours too if you stop acting like a dumbass. Get your head out of that prostitute’s lice-filled crotch and into your books! A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone, and honey, the sharper yours is, the more quickly you can cut through idiot [insert rival school nickname here]’s. “Maybe if you didn’t want to get pissed on, you should have worn better shoes. You banal troglodyte.” There, there’s your first one. You’re welcome.
HIT BELOW THE BELT:
Yeah, that’s a short joke. So sue us.
BE PATIENT:
Don’t have a “short” temper. Boom! There’s another one!
TYRION IS EXTREMELY SHORT:
Hahaha! We are on FIRE with these jokes!
PERSPECTIVE :
College seems enormous, and every little quiz is like another monster exam. Every little fling is a promise, every little hurdle a mountain, every little STD, AIDS. That’s exaggerating, and you’re a drama queen. Stop being a drama queen. Find the biggest obstacle you can find and laugh in its face until it feels self conscious and runs away. Face a horde of dirty, smelly mountain men and charm them to your side. Climb a mile-high ice wall and piss off the edge, you crazy bastard you! When
you get to the top, everyone else looks super small for a change! Pee on them!
DRINK MORE:
Woohoo! Wine makes everything wonderful! Beer makes everyone beautiful! Vodka makes everything...vanguard! If you plan on going through life without getting taller, prettier or richer, you’d better start doing it drunker, and we don’t mean white-girl drunker! Drinking is serious business. No one’s going to take you seriously if six ales turn you into a giggly country music-listener. That’s not good drinking. That’s not appropriate behavior. Master the art of being drunk constantly. The constant drunk, like our favorite Lion, can double fist both beers AND significant plot-affecting conversations. Get to that level.
DRINK MORE:
Why are you still sober enough to read this?
SELF-ESTEEM:
Be realistic—if you’re short, be short; if you’re a dick, be a dick; if you can’t rap fo’ crap, be white. Own the shit you get shit for, because if you open with, “Hi, I’m Dennis and I can’t grow a beard,” no one’s going to turn around and say, “Wow, Dennis should change his name to “Denise,” because that is one girly face.” They won’t be all, “Do you think he has a testosterone deficiency? That poor girly bastard, let’s Photoshop boobs on his Facebook picture.” They can’t be like, ‘Did you see Denise’s mustache? Haha, she thinks she’s a guy, haha,’ because you’ve already covered that. “If you turn your weakness into armor, it can’t be used to hurt you,” unless your weakness is, like, iron maidens or something.
FAMILY:
Tyrion Lannister knows very well that family is the number one priority. Even if your sister’s a bitch that does the do with her twin,
your twinbred nephew has the personality of poisoned cake, your mother is dead and your father wishes you were dead, family has to come first because they’re the ones with the non-delinquent bank account. Yeah, Dad, I’m disappointed in my choice of career paths too. Can you help me out with rent this month?
DRAGONS:
Are dragons a metaphor for power? A symbol of the a-changing times? Heroin? It doesn’t matter. Dragons are real, and you should ignore everybody who says they’re not. Follow your dragons to the ends of the earth. Hijack them. Fly them back. Destroy everyone who ever called you fat in middle school. Burn them. Cook them. Let your dragon feast onwait, what were we talking about?
HAVE FUN:
Are you drunk yet? The best part of a functional alcoholism like Tyrion’s is that he can do all the same shit a sober Lannister can do, but he gets to do it with whiskey goggles, so it seems remarkably less shitty! Imagine being able to go to work without fantasizing about burning Taco Bell to the ground! Laughing at your geology professor’s rock jokes! Making small talk with the scary guy that’s always in the laundry room corner! The world is yours to laugh at, dance with, party on and mash erogenous zones with, so why be sad and sober? When you have serenaded yourself, drunk yourself happy, tamed some hardcore strange, found your dragon and boobs, read an awesome book, rented a couple dozen hookers, bought a couple dudes, tolerated your family, climbed a mountain, rolled around in gold coins, danced with your demons and killed a dude with a shield, THEN you will be as happy, as perfect and as awesome as Tyrion Lannister.
WHEREVER YOU NEED TO GO,
AUSTIN TAXI CAN GET YOU THERE
Austin Taxi provides prompt, reliable, and clean service all around Oxford. Whether you need to go to the Square, the Airport, or anywhere else, we have you covered.
CALL US TODAY: (662) 832-9705 AUSTINTAXIOXFORD.COM
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BARTENDER
Relationship Status: Single
potatoes and creamed corn.
Major: Sociology
Any message you’d like to send to your worst enemy?: God Bless you!
Favorite Drink: Walk-medown Favorite Shot: Jolly Rancher Disgusting Drink: Rum and Coke
ROCKSTAR
Why do you think people like Fireball so much?: It’s cheap and gets you drunk fast, college students’ two favorite things. Fill in this blank: “I wish La Paz bar had a sign that said, “No _____ allowed”: Non-tippers
OF THE WEEK Lindsey of La Paz
What’s the best thing you’ve ever cooked by yourself?: Hamburger steak with mashed
What do you think Miley Cyrus smells like?: Juicy Couture What’s the grossest thing you’d stick your hand in a box of?: Trash How would society be different if pants had never been invented?: There would be a lot more STDs. Be cool man, it’s just weed. Right?: No thanks, it’s not for me. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s the place to find the best drink specials!
DRINKING GAME Dictionary! Werds kan b haard sumtimez. Butt if u no how 2 make da werds work gud then u shuld plai is game 4real. What You’ll Need: A dictionary, or a dictionary app on your phone. WE GET IT DARREN, YOU’RE RICH. Number of Players: Anywhere between two and a number that can only be defined by your imagination. Level of Intoxication: DARREN, DID YOU SHIT IN THE FLOWERPOT AGAIN? FUCK. How to Play: - One person begins as the guesser. - Have one player open up the dictionary to a random page, then point to a random word. Or, do the equivalent of whatever this is on the app you’re using. - If you’re using an app, remember the definition of this word, then randomly generate two other words. - If you’re using a real dictionary, then read the words immediately above and below the randomly chosen word. - Have the reader give the guesser his word - Have the reader recite these three definitions to the guesser. - In one guess the guesser must guess the correct definition of this word. - If the guesser guesses incorrectly, he must drink. - If the guesser guesses correctly, all other participants must drink. The Game Ends When: You make it from A to Z.
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES! 13
FIND THE CAMPUS SQUIRRELS
Can you find all the squirrels on this college campus? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE iPHONE AND ANDROID APP
Argument Erupts Over Who Drank the Most Last Saturday It’s no secret that the Ole Miss Union harbors some of the best hangover food in the state, and it’s also no secret that Ole Miss students may be able to handle a considerable amount of alcohol. However, this past weekend, an incident in the Union has the student body wondering: who really did drink the most last Saturday night?
LOGAN LITTLE WROTE THIS
The opponents: Dale and Chad. Witnesses place Dale at the Pi Phi formal the night before, while Chad reports that he and a few bros went to get turnt up at Round Table. “No, you don’t understand, it was two-for-one tallboys, I drank like twelve of them. I’m way more hungover than you,” exclaimed Chad to his hallmate Dale. “No man, you don’t get it,” Dale responded, “I went to the formal with a bunch of Sig Eps, and dude, those guys aren’t giving a shit these days, I snuck, not one, but like four tequila flasks in. The two partygoers’ argument attracted the attention of a small crowd, which began to choose which
partygoer they thought should be crowned king of last Saturday night. “I saw Chad last night and we split an Irish Carbomb, and he spit up a little back into his cup, so I think he should win,” reported a witness in the crowd. “Dale took a quarter off of my roonmate’s Xanax and he punched a hole in the bathroom at Colonel’s Quarters last night, so he’s the winner,” exclaimed a student in an O.A.R. t-shirt. The students argued louder and louder until finally, staff in the Union had to call authorities to calm the masses. Officer Duly Trumanship was the first to arrive on the scene. “Yeah I showed up first, and let me just say, the guys looked really cool. I mean one guy had on—well, you could tell it was the dress shirt from last night and some real baggy sweat pants. The other guy had on a sports jersey for one team and the snapback for another team. You could just tell they really gave zero fucks, arguing out loud about how much they drank in public, people think that’s really cool.”
FROM THE WEB
Officer Trumanship reports that he decided it was best to get to the bottom of the situation. “Yeah, I felt like it would be best for everyone if I decided who the winner was, just so we would all have some closure, so I needed details. Also I just wanted to hear these guys recap their night again, because I mean, they just sounded so cool and everyone thought they were so cool,” the officer claimed. After thirty minutes of recap from the two boozer bros and eye witnesses in the crowd, it became obvious to everyone that there was no way to tell who drank the most that night. “It was a beautiful moment, the whole crowd of students all had a sudden sort of realization”, reported Officer Trumanship. “It doesn’t matter who drank the most liquor, who snorted the most Adderall, who Viking-chugged the most PBR, who hit the Hawaiian-Punch GB the most, who spent the most on the parents’ credit cards at the Library… what matters is they were talking about it out loud in a public place, and that’s really, really, cool.”
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HISTORIC HOUSE PRESERVATION RESULTS IN VIOLENT HIPSTER/ NORMCORE CULTURE CLASH BARNEY THOMPSON WROTE THIS
The near demolition of the Shaw House has sparked a reaction from many. Though the group of people who answered the preservationists call to arms was rather unexpected, as they’re generally too busy crafting a detailed appearance of apathy. The counter-culture mobilized its forces and organized a postoccupy protest. Within hours, hundreds of alternative youths were making camp on the property. As the sun set, the luminescence of glow-in-the-dark slime and LED-eyed Dolphins lit up a dance floor of moss. The moss was supplied by Xan Hepstein, a moss farmer. “Most people don’t know how helpful moss is,” explained Hepstein. “I used to get lost every
time I wandered my property on peyote, now the moss points the way.” The first day of their sit-in went as well as they could have hoped. News coverage was aplenty and their message was coming through loud and clear. Then, dispute reared its ugly head. The normcores felt the postoccupy movement was veering from the original message and gaining too much exposure. “I mean, really it’s whatever,” said Norman Crowley while adjusting the braided belt holding his jean shorts in place. “It’s just that if we keep expanding like this, what’s to keep us from becoming the Molly Soda of historic preserva-
tion? At the mention of Molly Soda, a kid clinging to the last thread of relevance SeaPunk has approached Crowley and myself. He didn’t like the way Crowley referenced Soda. Soda is a good person, he says. As the argument escalated, counter-cultures began to clash. Tempers were rising. Not liking the tone that the Soda kid had, Crowley finished his Magic Hat #9 and smashed it across Soda kid’s face. This is how the war began. Once blood was drawn, nothing could be taken back. Having no weapons but banjos, harmonicas and Apple products, the armies began tearing apart the property, beating each other with everything they could get
their hands on. Lives have been taken by every appliance you could imagine, even the kitchen sink. After the second day of nonstop warring, the police tried to put a stop to the situation. “We couldn’t do a damn thing,” said Officer Manuel Stranson. “We found this crazy homeless girl singing behind a dumpster, no one knew who the hell she was. We set her up a stage to play on, thinking that might calm things down. She was pelted to death with Tamagotchis.” Not willing to give up yet, OPD made another effort. This time they tried appealing to their taste for alcohol. “We flew in about 50 kegs of
PBR,” said Officer Stranson. “The idea was we’d spritz some beer around the edge of the property to lure them from battle. Didn’t work for shit. Had a small group of kids in Hawaiian shirts flank us. Killed three men and hauled off 10 of the kegs.” The final solution came to Officer Stranson like an epiphany. “Dave Matthews,” exclaimed Of-
ficer Stranson. “They hate Dave Matthews, so we put ‘Crash Into Me’ on repeat for eight hours. Cleared ‘em right up.” When Oxford’s Historic Preservation Committee was asked their opinion on the Shaw House Massacre, they gave the statement, “Who even cares, there are bigger problems, like when are getting some new music from Dave?”
THE LEVEE HAS YOU COVERED
ALL WEEK LONG!
MONDAY! HAPPY HOUR: $0.25 WINGS, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL NIGHT: $2 PITCHERS TUESDAY! HAPPY HOUR: $10 BURGER & BOTTOMLESS BEER, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL NIGHT: 2-FOR-1 WELLS AND SHOOTERS WEDNESDAY! HAPPY HOUR: 2-FOR-1 APPETIZERS AND $3 WELL WHISKEY, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL NIGHT: $2 WELLS AND $1 DRAFTS
WEEKLY SPECIALS
NOW SERVING!
BACK ALLEY BBQ Back
Ribs – Pull
To-Go Orders Welcom
MONDAY
$6 Half Slab of Ribs, $1 Mystery Beer
TUESDAY
– Appetize rs –
Smoked BBQ Nachos
House fried tortilla chips smothered with your choic pulled pork or smo ked chicken,cheese sauce, and BBQ sauce. $9.00 jalapenos add $.50
Half-off Quesadillas, $2 House Wine Sausage and Cheese
Smoked sausage with cheddar and pepper jack cheese spears, and jalapen os. $9.00
Bacon Cheese Fries
THURSDAY! HAPPY HOUR: $5 CHICKEN FINGER BASKET AND FRIES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL
NIGHT: 2-FOR-1 WELLS, DOMESTICS AND SHOOTERS UNTIL 10PM
FRIDAY! HAPPY HOUR: 2-FOR-1 SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICHES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL SATURDAY! HAPPY HOUR: $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL
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Basket of tasty frie
WEDNESDAY
2 Sandwiches for $10, $3 Well Whiskey Drinks
FRIDAY
$8 Brew and Cue (BBQ Sandwich, Beer and Fries)
s topped with cheese and bacon. $5 Rebel Nachos House fried tortilla chips topped with a crea my sausag cheese dip. $9.00
THURSDAY
Mozzarella Sticks
Battered mozzarella deep fried served with spicy ranch dipping sauce. 8.00
Half Price Apps.– until Sandwich es – 7pm, 2 for 1 Wells from 7-10:30pm Regular / Jumbo BBQ
Served with fries.
1/4 # of Hickory smo ked pulled pork with slaw / 1/2 # of Hickory smoked pull ed pork with slaw. 8.00 / 9.00
Beef Brisket
Our beef brisket, seas oned and smoked for hours for a de smoky flavor and chop ped served on texas toast. 9.00 Burger
HAPPY HOUR!
Eight ounces of bee f, pickle, onions, lett uce, and tomato mustard and mayo on a ciabatta bun. $8.0 0
Bacon Cheese Burger
Eight ounces of bee f, cheddar or pepper jack cheese, and tw slices of bacon on a ciabatta bun. $9.50
Monday - Friday: $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf The Don Vito
Chicken breast saut eed with onions and tomatoes in a white wine sauce, provolo ne cheese, and ranc h dressing served on ciabatta bun. $9.50 a
The Swog Style Pork
A fried pork loin toss ed in a house made buffalo sauce with lettuce, tomato, onio ns, brown sugar bac on, pepper jack cheese and a fried egg on a ciabatta bun . $10.00
– Quesadil la
s–
Hickory smoked Pull
ed Pork
1/2 # Pulled pork, ched
dar cheese, BBQ sauc
Beef Brisket
e 9.00
Hickory smoked Bris ket, onions, peppers , cheddar cheese with BBQ sauce on the side 9.00
132 COURTHOUSE SQUARE | (662) 513-0588 Chicken
Smoked or Seared Chic ken with onions, pep pers, cheddar cheese served with salsa and sour crea m 9.00 Warning: Consumptio
n of undercooked
meat, poultry, eggs,
or seafood may increa
se