Ole Miss - Issue 6 - 11/13/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

F wee ree! Li ken ke yo d be ur cau sche se y dule ou’r th e so is coo l.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 6

PREPARING FOR THE

BLACK FRIDAY BATTLE Evan Myers wrote this

In a short time, students will be returning home to enjoy a week off in celebration of Thanksgiving. Kitchens will be warm with the smell of turkey and mashed potatoes wafting throughout the home. Loved ones will gather to enjoy a time of thankfulness. However, that is merely the calm before the storm.

samurai swords and golf clubs to fend off the hordes of violent shoppers.

Black Friday will soon be upon us to crush the spirit of joy and force Americans to look at their own inner darkness that lay in wait of this forsaken tradition. To help our readers prepare for the greatest event in American history, we spoke to Dick Richardson, professional shopper, on what to anticipate.

While sex toys and sharp weapons are integral to a successful Black Friday experience, it is even more important to have some sort of strategy.

“Well, of course, you need shelter for the line,” Dick stated. “If you don’t look like you live on Skid Row then you’re not doing it right. We’re talkin’ genuine shanties.” Cardboard boxes serve as a natural source of heat when combined with fire. Shopping carts filled with useless junk can be used as barriers to save your spot in line. Use a tarp to protect yourself from the elements as well as the urine jars being tossed by disgruntled shoppers.

“If that doesn’t work, try a used sex toy,” Richardson contemplated, “something about filling a Fleshlight to the brim, then swinging it around all willy-nilly has a way of getting people to avoid you.”

“Don’t sneak in through the Red Robin. It’s super-cliche. Personally, I just ram my way through the crowd with a battering ram bought from my local crooked police officer. Simple, yet effective.” Of course there are less lethal ways to get into Target and get the Xbox One for 90% off. Hiding in the store bathroom the day before, bribing an employee or posing as mall security have all proven to be effective ways of beating the crowd. Richardson smirked, “Sure, you can do all that. Or you could quite literally beat the crowd. To death. Very effective.”

“Buy a weapon. You need to be able to fend off the scrubs trying to jack your spot,” Dick continued. “After 300, spears were all the rage. But that fad died. A good, wieldy shiv is the standard these days.”

While the overwhelming majority of Americans support this great holiday, not everyone is on board with the idea of trampling the Walmart greeter to get a new camera.

While spears may not be hip anymore, The Black Sheep recommends baseball bats,

“Fuck the system man, the corporate pigs have done nothing but pitted us against

each other for money,” a presumed dirty hippy tweeted me from his iPhone. Fortunately for the corporate pigs, capitalism remains the current economic system in America. We spoke to one of these monsters for his perspective on this annual event. “Sometimes my buddies who control the

stock market come down to my private island and place bets on how many shoppers will be trampled to death,” Mr. Monopoly said as devil horns emerged from his forehead and smoke engulfed him. Gambling is an effective way to pass the time while waiting in line. In fact, Black Friday shoppers are notorious for cock

fighting. “Not that kind you sick bastard,” Dick exclaimed. “Uh, not that there’s anything wrong with that.” After issuing an apology to various cock fighting groups for his cockphobic language, Dick is now spending the rest of November in intensive therapy.

PAGE 5

PAGE 6

PAGES 10-11

STUDENT CONVINCED MSU GAVE CHANCELLOR DAN JONES LYMPHOMA

OLE MISS STUDENT CELEBRATES “SUPER-DOPE” THANKSGIVING

TERRIBLE BOYFRIEND NEGOTIATES THREE-WAY

BUT DON’T JUST LISTEN TO ANY DUDE-BRO.

IT DOESN’T GET MUCH MORE BALLIN’ THAN A TURKEY ON A CAMARO.

DESPITE TIGHT FIRM MOBILITY AND FALLING STOCK PRICES.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Brittain Thompson

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

EDITORIAL MANAGER Barney Thompson

OWNER Atish Doshi

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Ben Tedford

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, HeatherJo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Knowlton Bourne, Logan Little Chaning Green, Evan Myers SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGERS Mayra Fabian DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Jordan Donovan

QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900 DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Who wants to pet my new puppy?”

THE THREE-EYED TURTLE

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

TURGIDDY To be so happy as to become sexually aroused. Moments after jumping with joy after receiving a job offer Jon was so turgiddy he had to sit down and avoid his roommate’s hug to hide his boner.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Attended Bettendorf High School in Bettendorf, Iowa.

Was once a competitive bike racer.

Owns Antique Archaeology.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_OM

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

STUDENT SPOTLIGHT

Student’s Brain Breaks after Being Asked

“Can I Borrow a Pencil?” Staff wrote this

Jennifer Anderson’s brain reportedly broke last week after being asked if she had an extra pencil for the 7th time in a single week. Sophomore Kevin Davis was the straw that broke the Anderson’s brain, asking her if he could borrow a pencil for the second day in a row to fill out a Scantron. After her episode, Anderson has been since reduced to a stuttering, shaking mess unable to function in society. We were able to get Anderson to speak with us about the event, but it was very hard to understand her during her spastic outbursts. “Well, Jimmy COCKSUCKER asked to borrow a GODDAMN pencil last week for like, the fifth MILLIONTH time, and I just lost it,” Anderson stated. Unable to understand her in her weakened state, we were able to get ahold of one of her friends to relay the tale to us. “What Jenny is saying is people, especially guys, always just assume they can roll into class unprepared and expect people to

cover for them,” Anderson’s friend, Kelsa O’Neill, said angrily. “And they always assume us girls have extra pencils. And we do, but just because we came ready to learn doesn’t mean that we want their grubby mitts all over them!” “We had a quiz ASSHOLE!,” Anderson yelped. “How can you not bring a pencil to a quiz?” Anderson then began to sob uncontrollably as O’Neill told us she needed some time to rest. Kevin Davis, the student responsible for Anderson’s meltdown, cannot believe the results of his actions have ended in Anderson losing her mind. “Honestly, I had a pencil in my pocket, I was just looking for an excuse to talk to her,” Davis said sadly. “Now, I’ll never be able to talk to her without her yelling some expletive in my face. Crissake, I can’t even flirt with a girl without giving her a mental breakdown.” Davis has brought Anderson flowers every

day since in an attempt to make up for his actions. However he has received no response other than being told to “Get the hell out of here JACKASS!” Anderson’s parents are very upset over their daughter’s condition, but they don’t solely blame Davis for their daughter’s woes. The Andersons believe that any student and asked their daughter for a pencil is to blame, and any student that has ever asked anyone for a pencil is part of the problem. “People always ask if they can have a cigarette when they see me smoking, and it makes me sick,” Mrs. Anderson said between drags of her Marlboro Reds. “If I was walking down the street eating a granola bar, would you stop me and ask if you could have one? No, you wouldn’t. So why is asking for a cigarette any different?” she questioned in her gravelly voice. We reminded Mrs. Anderson that this was about her daughter’s broken brain and

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas Everyday, All Day! Karaoke on Thursday starting at 9pm Check out elmilagrooxford.com to see our new menu!

not her cigarette expendability, but she asserted that it was the same problem. “Where do these kids get off asking if they can bum a pencil? Buy your own pack of pencils, you degenerates!”While it became clear where Jennifer’s mental instability came from, Mrs. Anderson continued complaining. “We can’t take Jenny out in public anymore, let alone church. It’s heartbreaking,” Anderson’s mother sighed as she took another puff. “I mean, I can’t have my daughter yelling out nasty things

like ‘PENCIL THIEVING PRICK’ in the middle of a sermon. Can you imagine? We’d look like such heathens.” While it’s unclear as to whether Anderson will recover from her mental breakdown, the situation serves as a stark reminder for those who ask others for pencils during class. Students must remember that what may seem like an innocent request from a forgetful peer can sometimes be the final straw on another student’s overtaxed mind.

FOR THE GENTLEMAN IN ALL OF US!

OLE MISS STUDENTS! TAKE 10% OFF ON MONDAYS AND TUESDAYS WHEN YOU MENTION THE BLACK SHEEP

HOURS: Thursday: 11am-1am • Friday-Wednesday: 11am-10pm

1420 Jackson Ave W., Oxford • (662) 236-1717 • We Deliver!

2021 UNIVERSITY AVE | (662) 234-6680 | OPEN 10-10

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Student Convinced MSU Gave Chancellor Dan Jones Lymphoma Barney Thompson wrote this

OXFORD—Walking by the Student Union you’ll likely see junior IMC major Lyle Alooht waving his sign and chanting at the top of his lungs. The reason for his public display? He’s convinced that Mississippi State University gave our beloved Chancellor Dan Jones lymphoma in an attempt to clinch the Egg Bowl before it’s been played. Despite numerous parties attempting to convince him that it is pretty impossible for a university to collectively give someone lymphoma, he refuses to accept it. This has only increased his efforts to spread his absurdity across campus. “It’s pretty obvious to me and all my dudebros,” said Alooht. “They’re trying to get in our heads and lymph nodes, man! I don’t know how they did it, but they did. Maybe it was in his water or, like, a dank falafel?” This past week we were made aware of Chancellor Jones’ diagnosis. Most of the Ole Miss community remained levelheaded, simply wishing him the best in what is sure to be a long recovery. Alooht,

on the other hand, has decided to take the social media warrior path. “Yeah, I’ve set up a Twitter, a Facebook group, hell, I even set up a MySpace page just in case,” said Alooht on his social media efforts. “I’m getting some pretty good traction, just today I’ve gotten seven new followers and THREE people joined the Facebook group. The MySpace is pretty bare, though.” Talking to students from Ole Miss, it seems Alooht’s army is smaller than he lets on. “I bought a milkshake from Chic-fil-A just to throw at him,” said Tom Lee. “I love those milkshakes, more than my own mother, but I loved throwing it at him even more. Dude’s a real asshat. ” Many have asked why UPD has not taken action against this cunt-cake of a person. “Well, while he is immensely inflammatory, we can’t actually do anything until he causes an obvious danger to the students,” stated Officer Mohaligan-O’reilly. “Shit, we

tried antagonizing him into throwing stuff at us, but the kid knows his campus laws. Damn internet.” It seems that even MSU—who is infamous for despising the Rebels—has sided with the student body in hating this individual. We took a trip to the one-cow town to see what their take on the absurd accusations were. “Well, first of all, you can’t actually give someone lymphoma,” clarified Tim Minchy, a graduate student with a focus on the formation of complex cow patties. “That guy is kind of pants-on-head-stupid. You guys pretty much let anyone in these days, don’t you?” We do. We really do. In response to the accusations, MSU students have been making trips to our beautiful campus to combat the buttsponge intent upon raining nonsense. Unsurprisingly enough, they rode into town on a herd of bovine, leaving behind them a wake of poo and cud.

Twitter @BLACKSHEEP_OM

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

“We heard what that he was accusating us of and simply could not stand for it,” stated Ronny “two-tooth” Simone. “We saddled up the swiftest of our milky-steeds and held our aim true for the school up north.”

him into submission.

Despite their unwieldy mounts, the MSU students have helped wrangle the protester by slowly circling them with their udder-armed companions. It seems the slow and steady movement has lulled

Chancellor Jones has yet to comment on Alooht’s actions, those he was heard mumbling the words, “Black Sheep” and “idiocy.”

UPD has since taken him to a holding cell, though what exactly his fate will be is currently unknown.

GOBBLE, Y’ALL

THE TOP TEN

Pardoned Turkeys The whole “pardoning a turkey” thing that Mr. President does annually around Thanksgiving is undeniably strange on the surface. But what happens to the turkeys that get a second chance at life? They can’t just go back to living with the turkey-muggles. Some turkeys went on to do great and terrible things, while others never got over their brush with death and developed problems that never really went away. 10.) Union Turkey: White House reporter Noah Brooks noted in 1865 that President Lincoln had a particular affinity for an unnamed turkey that lived on the White House grounds. While Lincoln was being dragged to plays by his wife, his feathered friend was out saving the Union. The Confederates probably would’ve won the war it wasn’t for this tryptophan-laced pyromaniac. Everyone thinks Sherman burnt Atlanta. Wrong. 9.) Now, I Say – I Say Gobble: You guys remember Foghorn Leghorn? Yeah, he was totes a turkey. Warner Brothers thought that parading him around as a giant chicken would be funny. It was.

OLE MISS STUDENT CELEBRATES

“SUPER-DOPE” THANKSGIVING Knowlton Bourne wrote this

Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the holiday season, bringing with it massive depression, debt, and the slowest mail system in the world. It’s a wonderful time of the year when friends and families come together to give thanks for the abundance of blessings in their lives, and to take a moment out of our hectic schedules to get super-drunk up and eat a bunch of bad food that any other time of the year would be coldshouldered harder than Paula Deen at a diabetic convention. The Black Sheep caught up with Ole Miss junior Terry Bomberg to discuss his Thanksgiving plans. “Man, Thanksgiving is about as great as it gets. It’s the time of year I get to go home and take a break from eating gas station taquitos and the dregs of my roommate’s Evan Williams to live the top-shelf life, full of high-speed porn access and food that doesn’t constantly give me diarrhea. Seriously, I haven’t shat solid in months. Not to mention, I don’t have to go to class and can get super wasted with the fam.” When asked about the Bomberg family dynamic around the holidays, Terry exclaimed, “Man it’s great. Uncle Ted comes into town. He is definitely the coolest. He drives a red Camaro and has been working at a liquor store for like twenty years. He and I usually get super-hammered and watch old Eagles concerts on YouTube.” “Mom always bakes some super-great stuff and I do a little baking before we all eat, if you know what I’m saying. Then we all sit around the table and eat all the super-dope food. Dad usually drinks too much bourbon and yells about Obama, Mom cries because the casserole

is two minutes undercooked, then we all kick back and watch some football until we doze off where we’re sitting. It’s super-great. The Bomberg Thanksgiving is definitely one of the better events during the holidays.” With alcohol and maternal tears covered, we asked him what the food spread was like at most Bomberg Thanksgivings.

8.) Counter-Terrorism Turkey: In 2002 George W. pardoned the first-ever female turkey to receive the honor. Her name was Katie. A lot of turkey-bros were pissed; turkeys are very patriarchal. Well, turns out, from 1998 to 2001 Katie was in Serbia kicking twenty kinds of ass. Ever hear of Adrijana Minx? No, because Katie drowned him in a motherfucking lake. 7.) Feathered Flatulence: One time a turkey farted near Reagan and was like “Pardon me.” Reagan was all “Don’t worry about it.” Boom. Two turkeys were pardoned that year. So, while you’re thanking him for ending the Cold War, you can also add turkey savior to Reagan’s list. 6.) Tale of Two Turkeys: In 2005 Bush pardoned two birds on purpose; no farts needed. Marshmallow and Yam. Marshmallow went on to become a successful accountant at a Fortune 500 company, redefining their corporate culture and boosting margins. Yam became a heroin addict. He did so many dirty things with that beak for a stamp of that sweet, sweet smack... 5.) The Turkey to Which You Jerky: Just last year Obama pardoned a turkey named Popcorn. Popcorn went on to sell PopPorn, adult-themed features in which he impersonated celebrities. Popcorn was sued repeatedly but the lawsuits aren’t putting a dent in his massive fortune. Or wiener. Popcorn has a massive turkey wiener. PETA tried to get involved, but who wants to tell a turkey he can’t get laid? 4.) It’s a Bird….In a plane? Warren G. Harding once pardoned a turkey for his honor and valor as an airman. Though his flight missions were never made public and continue to be classified on one of the highest level of security, it’s safe to say the world is a better place thanks to that turkey being in a cockpit. 3.) Poultry PR: Clinton pardoned a turkey in ’94 and then hired him to keep the president’s sexcapades a secret. Apparently we don’t even know half the story, which is probably for the best.

“Food is totes a pretty big part of the day. Obviously, we get a big, butter-ballin’ turkey and a bunch of Bud Light or some of that sweet Blue Ribbon. Uncle Ted can drink a whole case by himself and still recite every line of The Replacements, it’s so bad ass. I love the cranberry sauce.” Bomberg stared whimsically into the distance, “Plus, gourds! Gourds are sick as shit. And those little basket things that look like giant Bugles... those are pretty dope too. Man, Thanksgiving is super.” Terry went on to detail the ins and outs of all he is truly grateful for this Thanksgiving season. “Man, I’m super-thankful for a ton. I’m thankful for my Uncle Ted and his awesome stories about getting kicked out of strip clubs. I’m thankful for my roommate Craig, who always has a great hook-up. I’m thankful for The Sopranos, best show ever. I’m also pretty thankful for the weather, which is starting to cool off. Now I can rep my super-sick Blind Melon hoodie all winter long. I look so dope in that shit. More than anything, I’d have to say that I’m thankful the pilgrims decided to bust a chill with the Indians, ‘cause now we get to celebrate this super-great holiday. Eat food, hang out with the family, drink beer and enjoy it all. It doesn’t get much better than Thanksgiving.”

2.) Tatertot, the Poultry Pilot: There was a turkey pardoned in 1943 for his bravery in the Pearl Harbor attacks. Everyone seems to think that after bombing us, the Japanese just went back home. Not true. Tatertot and his fearless turkey followers chased those sons-o’-bitches out of our fucking hemisphere. ‘MURICA. 1.) Genndy Turkakovsky: The creator of Dexter’s Laboratory was a turkey. George W. pardoned the shit out of this bird. W. LOVED DeeDee from the show and felt a spiritual connection to her love of pressing buttons. It’s safe to say he was kept a bit more than arm’s length from the many nuclear warheads we keep around.

Chaning Green wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What’s one change Ole Miss could make that you’d be thankful for this Thanksgiving?

ARIEL, SOPHOMORE “Free corn dogs for the LSU game.”

BRODY, FRESHMAN “To have me as Bachelor of the Year.”

TURNER, JUNIOR “Free parking...that’s a joke, right?”

Experience the Difference at Faulkner Flats! FREE APPLICATION FEE ($50 SAVINGS) IF YOU MENTION THE BLACK SHEEP! LIVEATFAULKNERFLATS.COM (662) 234-4558 • OXFORD, MS

• POOL & SPA • TANNING • HORSESHOES • BOCCE BALL • SHUFFLEBOARD • GOLF SIMULATOR • GAS FIRE PIT • FITNESS ROOM • BIKE RACK • CAR WASH •

THE GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour! Monday-Friday 3-7pm: $1.50 16oz. PBR and Coors, $1 off all Drinks 21 Craft Beers on Tap

Thursday & Saturday Bottle Service! Buy 2 Bottles, Get 1 Free!

EVERYDAY: 2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

THURSDAY

$3.00 Well Drinks $2.00 Coors 16oz Tall Boys

Bottle Service! Buy 2 Bottles, Get 1 Free!

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas Karaoke Starting at 9pm

FRIDAY

Find us on Facebook at facebook.com/ theblindpigoxford or follow us on Twitter!

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

SATURDAY

Find us on Facebook at facebook.com/theblindpigoxford or follow us on Twitter!

Bottle Service! Buy 2 Bottles, Get 1 Free!

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

SUNDAY

$2.50 Tall Boys, $3 Mimosas, $5 Bloody Marys

Open Sundays!

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

MONDAY

Monday Night Trivia, $2.00 Domestics

Ladies Night! Half Off Specialty Martinis and Specialty Cocktails

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

TUESDAY

Tall Boy Tues $2

$2 Tuesdays! $2 Domestics All Night

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

WEDNESDAY

$3.00 Pints, $5.00 Beer Flight Sampler 2 for 1 flights for ladies

Wine Wednesday! Half Off Wine and Champagne

2 for 1 Lime Margaritas

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_OM Scan to go right to the page!

THE GRID TUESDAY: $10 Burger & Bottomless Beer $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) 2-for-1 Wells & Shooters (8 - 12)

WEDNESDAY: 2 for $12 Nachos 2-4-1 Wells

FRIDAY: $8 Brew and Cue (BBQ Sandwich, Beer and Fries) Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf

Wine Down Friday 2-4-1 Glasses of House Wine 1/2 off all Bottles

SPECIAL NIGHT

$5 Chicken Finger Basket & Fries, $1 off all alcohol (3 - 8) 2-for-1 Wells, Domestics & Shooters (8 - 10) $2 Champagne (7-11PM)

2 for $14 Quesadillas $1.25 Natty Light

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf Half Price Appetizers until 7pm, 2 for 1 Wells from 7-10:30pm

Thirsty Thursday 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Domestics

THURSDAY

2-for-1 Spicy Chicken Sandwiches $1 Off All Alcohol (3 - 8)

$8 Brew and Cue (BBQ Sandwich, Beer and Fries) Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf

Wine Down Friday 2-4-1 Glasses of House Wine 1/2 off all Bottles

FRIDAY

Happy Hour $1 Off All alcohol (3 - 8)

Friend us on Facebook: fb.com/ribcage.oxford1

SATURDAY

Closed

SUNDAY

$0.25 Wings, $1 Off All Alcohol (3 - 8) $2 Pitchers (8 - 12)

2 for $14 Quesadillas $6 Pitchers

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf $6 Half Slab of Ribs, $3 Fireballs

Closed

MONDAY

$10 Burger & Bottomless Beer, $1 Off All Alcohol (3 - 8) 2-for-1 Wells & Shooters (8 - 12)

2 for $12 Jumbo Sandwich Plates $1.50 Bud Light Cans

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf Half Price Quesadillas, $2 House Wine

TUESDAY

2-for-1 Appetizers & $3 Well Whiskey $1 Off All Other Alcohol (3 - 8) Welfare Wednesday! $2 Wells & $1 Drafts (8 - 11:15)

2 for $12 Nachos 2-4-1 Wells

Happy Hour! $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf 2 Sandwiches for $10, $3 Well Whiskey Drinks

WEDNESDAY

Despite Tight Firm Mobility and Falling Stock Prices,

Terrible Boyfriend Negotiates Three-Way an rised many, freshm rp su at th e ov m a In his girlfriend, d ce in v n co r le al W Zach of the riskiest e n o in ge ga en to Maggie Rhone, friend market. rl gi e th in ts en tm inves

Mooney wrote this l u a P

Last weekend when Maggie visited Zach, the two of them had a three-way with Zach’s friend. Both are freshmen who graduated from high school in June. Maggie stayed in New Jersey to be a nursing student at Rutgers and Zach went to Temple as undeclared.

nings. The whole market kept building like a house of cards until it all collapsed with a series of break-ups from relationships that just didn’t seem to be going anywhere. “Maggie’s still shown significant growth despite the financial climate. So yeah, she’s killin’ it.”

This comes as one of the fiscal quarter’s greatest surprises, as Zach’s share price went down ten points since going away to college. “He hasn’t branched out, he’s not living up to his academic potential, and he hasn’t joined a single club,” said Deborah Jennings, an analyst for Standard & Poor’s who specializes in the girlfriend sector. “He has tits now. His stock just isn’t what it used to be.”

Unknown to Maggie, the elasticity of her supply has greatly decreased. “Maggie thinks that she can’t ask for a better boyfriend at her emotional price, but that’s simply not true,” Jennings said. “She also deeply misunderstands the girlfriend market structure. She acts like it’s a monopoly, where Zach is the only provider and he can set whatever price because there’s no other providers; in reality, it’s like monopolistic competition, where every firm offers their own product and has total control of that product. However, none of these firms have any large market control. As the economist Beyoncé wrote in her seminal paper, ‘I could have another you in a minute.’ ”

On the other side, Maggie’s share value has greatly appreciated in the two months she’s been away. “Maggie has been flourishing at school,” said Anita Gomez, a finance graduate student at Rutgers who’s been tracking the girlfriend exports at her university. “She’s really putting herself out there, and her friends at school are so much cooler than her home friends. She’s joined the feminism club, she writes poetry, and she’s doing that thing with her hair now that she didn’t feel comfortable doing back home. Investors love that thing she does with her hair now.” Besides the disparity of the firms’ growth, the sheer risk of the investment made it so unlikely. Statistically, three-ways are the second least successful investments to ask of a business partner, after pee. Moreover, Zach is in no way able to bargain. Over the summer and the first few months of school, Zach has incurred a staggering amount of emotional debt. “Zach doesn’t know any of Maggie’s friends’ names, or even the type of people she hangs out with. The past three times he called her he was drunk. Plus, all of his sectors have seen a decrease in performance,” Gomez added. Zach’s quarterly report shows failed growth benchmarks in the Cuddling, Sincere Statements, and Dramatic Gestures sectors. Negative growth was even seen in the Sex sector, which was typically his strongest, seeing the lowest quarter of orgasms since he expanded operations to the clitoris. Moreover, the context of the proposal for the three-way was a blundered operation. It was proposed in his dorm room, without prior consultation, with Catherine Harty, the girl who put the “three” in the three-way. Maggie hadn’t even met Catherine before; Catherine, on the other hand, had already agreed to it. This happened after a long presentation about fidelity Maggie gave a month ago, via PowerPoint at a quarterly negotiation. “Many construed economic concepts are at play here,” said Rutgers economics professor Kevin Hudson, “Maggie is operating in the short-term, with no consideration for the future. One factor that Maggie isn’t considering is opportunity cost.” Truthfully, Zach’s emotional investment averages twenty points less return than the standard boy who flirts with Maggie on a daily basis. “Moreover, she isn’t specializing her assets. Maggie would work best in a merger that lets her be who she’s meant to be, and not drag her down. Zach, who is developing into the Disappointing Loser industry, isn’t letting her reach that potential.” Another misconception Maggie has is the fixed cost of a breakup with Zach. Though the cost would be high, even while remaining single she would generate emotional profit over a two-year period. Additionally, Maggie’s huge appreciation as a stock presents a bright landscape for future investment. “That girl’s killin’ it,” said Dr. Hudson. What Maggie also isn’t considering is the surprising growth she’s shown, despite a struggling girlfriend market that still hasn’t fully recovered from the mortgage crisis of 2008, in which romantic loans were made that couldn’t be paid off. “Essentially, investors would say ‘I love you’ before such a statement could be reinforced, and these debts piled up,” said Jen-

The lengthy history between the two firms serves some explanation for the current situation. Maggie opened for trade with a fairly low IPO in 2012. Zach, one of the most popular firms at Union High School, offered to buy the firm outright, but negotiations fell through. After the school year was over, Zach’s rising stock and alcohol finally caused initial business relations. Over the summer, the two went from a thing, to not being official, to no one really knows what they are, to pretty much a real thing but not really, to pretty much a thing but only sort of, until an official merger plan was set in place and the two became Facebook official. Through junior year, Zach maintained his high stock price and built healthy customer relations with his effective partnership skills. Maggie’s social price also rose, due to going out with Zach to parties more, as well as her boobs finally growing in at the age of sixteen. “Boobs are important to high school investors,” Gomez added. Senior year saw few changes, though Zach’s senioritis and growing affinity for sweatpants took a small drain on his stock price. With unforeseen growth prospects, Maggie agreed to a longterm trade agreement of Skype calls and a Snapchat best friendship. “I’ve been following the market recently, and I can honestly say that I’m shocked at the current disparity of the firms,” said Delaware finance student Michael Doyle, Zach’s sexiled roommate.

Zach’s quarterly report shows failed growth benchmarks in the Cuddling, Sincere Statements, and Dramatic Gestures sectors.

Maggie is operating in the short-term, with no consideration for the future. One factor that Maggie isn’t considering is opportunity cost.

Though the long-term agreement exists, there are likely prospects for the merger to split in the near future. “The threeway was a terrible idea,” said Dr. Hudson. “I mean, it worked, so maybe it was a great idea, but it probably destroyed the merger as we know it.” “Maybe this is what Maggie needs to start looking for new employers,” said Gomez. “Currently, she has a standing offer from sophomore Marcus Jackson.” A “standing offer” is a financial term for fleeting moments of eye contact and text messages with at least a 30% increase in emojis. “Besides being at her school, he has a significantly higher stock value. His personality ratio is much higher than Zach’s, as well as pretty much every other aspect of his firm.” “Economically, he’s a much more efficient investment,” said Jennings. Aside from an overall greater responsiveness to hints and listening skills, Marcus could be the specialized industry Maggie could benefit from moving to. Discussions about Bob’s Burgers with Marcus have yielded twice as much laughter as those with Zach, mainly because he never watched it. Marcus’ comments about Maggie’s one crooked tooth made her blush 44% more than Zach’s compliments; an even higher disparity is seen when comparing Zach’s comments on the same tooth, most of which involved the phrase “scratchy head.” When pressed for comment, results were overwhelmingly positive. Maggie avoided eye contact and said “I don’t know,” while smiling, commonly considered among investors as the clearest confirmation possible in finance today.

“The three-way was a terrible idea. I mean, it worked... but it probably destroyed the merger as we know it.”

WHEREVER YOU NEED TO GO,

AUSTIN TAXI CAN GET YOU THERE

Austin Taxi provides prompt, reliable, and clean service all around Oxford. Whether you need to go to the Square, the Airport, or anywhere else, we have you covered.

OPEN UP AN ACCOUNT WITH AUSTIN TAXI AND JOIN THE AUSTIN TAXI FAMILY! CALL US TODAY: (662) 832-9705 AUSTINTAXIOXFORD.COM

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single • Major: B.G.S. French, Russian, and legal studies Favorite Drink: Old fashioned • Favorite Shot: Dirty Girl Scout Disgusting Drink: Bud Heavy, Bud Light, PBR, Natty Light, and all other beer of that vein. What alcohol would be best to spike gravy with?: Bourbon, definitely. Because it’s bourbon. Which Thanksgiving dinner staple needs to be replaced, and with what?: Solid cranberries. Replace with hush puppies. What do you most like to gobble?: Tacos. Three words to describe Ole Miss’ basketball season: Tall, dark, and stormy. What’s your favorite rumor about Ole Miss that you’ve heard?: That The Grove is fun on game days. Which fictional character do you most wish was real?: Sadie Doyle. She could teach me how to make drinks.

SEAN of THE WINE BAR THE DRINKING GAME

PASSING YOUR PAPER It’s about that time of the year when you’ll have to write a paper or two for every class (seriously, go check your syllabus, you idiot). The Black Sheep understands you probably haven’t been to class since...ever, so it’s time to start seriously thinking about how you’re going to get through this paper with absolutely no preparation. What You’ll Need: A bottle of whisky, your laptop, the creativity of a crying, lower-class three year old in a box. Number of Players: Just one. You can’t really cheat if you’re making everything up on the fly. Level of Intoxication: Ph.D-level (enough to think you’ve become Einstein) How to Play: – About 3 hours before your paper is due, begin freaking out. – About 2 and ½ hours before your paper is due and after 6 shots of whisky, begin calming down (“I got this!”). – Find out what subject your paper is on (ECON 103) – Realize that if you say enough business jargon in each sentence, it will seem coherent to anyone who has seen a movie scene taking place in New York. – “The stock capital of the market gains is always bound by the corporate venture.” (PERFECT) – About 2 hours before your paper is due, submit it online (Great job, you’re early!) The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning and realize you only wrote half a page of misspelled Wall St. lingo and that your paper was on the history of the American Civil War.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

Would you like a lawyer, or should we just continue?: Carry on. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Why shouldn’t people read The Black Sheep?!?!?!

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

MOSTLY-DONE SEMESTER MOSTACHOLI AY, VENI-VICI! It’s almost over, ya’ meatball. That means it’s time to make some mostacholi and FUGGEDABOUTIT! But seriously, this is some serious brain food that will help you pass your upcoming exams. Or at least make you happy about one thing in your life. What You’ll Need: Some damn pasta, ya’ pepperoni head! Get some sauce too! Fatty Factor: Uncle Jupiter’s stomach’s gonna’ damn near explode. Let’s Get Baked: – Pop on your best Chef Boyardee hat and get your ass in the kitchen. – Find some pasta (any pasta will do, we’re not real Italians over here). – Pour your pasta in a pot of boiling water and cook it for... uhh, I dunno’...tree’ minutes. – Pack some sauce on that mound’a pasta and get mixin’. – Pour it all in a bowl and put one of those leaves on top – that’s how the real Italians do it. DOE’! Wasn’t ‘dat easy? Quick, clean, tasty, efficient, BOOM! Next time you’re freaking out about a little test, take it down a notch and get yourself some pastacholi.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Let's PLay

The Simpsons seek-n-find

THE BACK PAGE

Can you find the Black Sheeps? Email us at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win a prize!

CLUE BANK

THE NATIONAL PARKS wordsearch Acadia • Arches • Badlands • Biscayne Canyonlands • Death Valley • Denali • Everglades Glacier • Great Basin • Haleakala • Mesa Verde Mount Rainier • Olympic • Pinnacles • Redwood Sequoia • Shenandoah • Yosemite • Zion

ANS WER KEY

GET READY FOR THE EGG BOWL! VS.

THE LEVEE

ROUNDTABLE

MONDAY

THURSDAY

$0.25 WINGS, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8) $2 PITCHERS (8 - 12)

$5 CHICKEN FINGER BASKET & FRIES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8) 2-FOR-1 WELLS, DOMESTICS & SHOOTERS (8 - 10) $2 CHAMPAGNE (7-11PM)

TUESDAY $10 BURGER & BOTTOMLESS BEER, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8) 2-FOR-1 WELLS & SHOOTERS (8 - 12)

WEDNESDAY 2-FOR-1 APPETIZERS & $3 WELL WHISKEY, $ 1 OFF ALL OTHER ALCOHOL (3 - 8) $2 WELLS & $1 DRAFTS (8 - 11:15)

FRIDAY 2-FOR-1 SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICHES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8)

SATURDAY HAPPY HOUR: $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL (3 - 8)

HAPPY HOUR MONDAY - FRIDAY! $2 DOMESTICS, $3 IMPORTS, $4 WELLS, $1 OFF TOP SHELF MONDAY THURSDAY

$6 HALF SLAB OF RIBS, $3 FIREBALL

TUESDAY

HALF PRICE QUESADILLAS, $2 HOUSE WINE

WEDNESDAY

2 SANDWICHES FOR $10, $3 WELL WHISKEY DRINKS

HALF PRICE APPETIZERS UNTIL 7PM, 2 FOR 1 WELLS FROM 7-10:30PM

FRIDAY

$8 BREW AND CUE (BBQ SANDWICH, BEER AND FRIES)

! S L E B E R GO