The Black Sheep FR
EE .. pu . lik bl e g ish e ed ttin in g th yo e b ur la po ck op sh jo ee ke p! s
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 7 10/18/12 -10/24/12
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the grove Squatter’s Rights barney thompson wrote this
It’s Friday and the sun is rising over Oxford. Most residents are still working though the prior night’s festivities in dreamland. A handful of unlucky students are rushing to their classes, chilled to the bone by the cold. In the Grove sits a solitary man, kind of like Neil Diamond. This man is one of many students known as Grove Squatters; these students sit in the Grove holding a ten-by-ten plot of land for their employer’s tent until land rush at 9 p.m. You may think sitting in the Grove all day is easy work that any intoxicant-loving college student could do, but you couldn’t be more wrong, cadet. Grove squatting requires an immovable presence, a quick mind, and the courage to urinate on anyone bold enough to move in on a squatter’s territory; unleashing a healthy stream on an 11 year-old’s My Little Pony backpack changes a man. Nothing is taken for granted when you’re a Grove Squatter, and everything is earned. By 8 a.m. the Grove Squatter will have received his assignment and already made camp, defined as a cooler full of Coors Light and two family-sized sleeves of Solo cups. Once the Grove Squatter claims their ten-by-ten plot of land, they can never leave it undefended; akin to why there must always be a Stark in Winterfell. In prime Groving locations a blanket left unattended for more than a few minutes will find a new home in a nearby trash bin. Not all encroachers will be ruthless though, occasionally a drunken alumnus will wander up to the Squatter’s land and claim his Great-GamGam was buried in this exact spot; the alumnus may also claim to have ties with a rebel uprising bent on overthrowing all order in the Grove, but he’s probably lying about that too. No one is perfect, not even the elite Grove Squatters, and after throwing back half a case of Coors Light he’ll have a need to relieve himself that’s unsurpassed by a frat daddy’s desire to “take it to the hole.” When this situation occurs the Grove Squatter has only two choices, sprint for the Union or start refilling those cans. Situations like these are what separate the boys from the Rebels. A novice may think that sprinting to the Union is clearly the best choice, and that’s why they’re a novice and our vetted Grove Squatter still has his job. Instead of leaving his land open to poachers as he opens the beer-soaked flood gates, the professional Squatter will call in a friend to watch his turf for him. Anyone who has sat for someone’s tent space knows that the first rule of squatting is to have a backup network you can call on at a moment’s notice, a drunken Justice League of sorts. these intoxicated do-gooders will be your support when you
Top 10: Ways to College-ify Your Halloween
not require only wit, but numbers to keep your spot when opposition swarms the Grove - especially come Egg Bowl weekend, as the MSU student body’s combined intelligence and ruthlessness matches that of an inbred Chihuahua with freshly-diagnosed rabies. Sometimes not even the Hammered Avengers can save your spot though, and that’s when the Grove Squatter pulls out the big guns; his genitalia. While walking to the Union to relieve himself, he looks back at his spot one last time. To our Squatter’s dismay, his backup has wandered off to find female companionship. Where his blanket and cooler once were now sits a Hello Kitty blanket and a My Little Pony back pack with Twilight Sparkle looking like a snotty bitch. Don’t be fooled by the childish items, this is a just a device to use your conscience against you. Luckily, our Grove Squatter knows better
what’s inside
bartender of the week
Naturally, just add booze.
hannah from round table would throw a mean left-hook to the situation.
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than to fall for this. With swagger in his walk rivaling Paul Walker’s, the Squatter walks back up to his ten-by-ten plot of land and unleashes a chicken broth-colored stream of urine that emits an odor only to be described as “death in a dick.” Now that the blanket and backpack are appropriately soaked, our Grove Squatter tosses them in the nearest trashcan. By now the Grove should be filling up nicely with people looking for last-minute tent space. Our Grove Squatter can sit back, enjoy the last of his beer, and revel in a job well done. Not everyone is cut out for a job like this, they might not have the killer instinct, an agile mind, and the lack of hesitation when the time comes to urinating on what seems to be a little girl’s belongings. For those who do carry these characteristics, there might be some work for you on a cold Friday in Oxford, MS.
the black sheep interviews: owen our chat with this Chicagoan about his new album Ghost Town, available on iTunes.
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contents page 4: 5 horrors of Higher Academia
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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rue hauntings that will probably definitely happen on your campus, too.
page 5: The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse - Election Edition
Table of
Maybe it's time you made the big move to Canada.
page 8: The Drinking Game and Recipe for Disaster No weekend plans? We've got you covered
page 9: from the streets
do you have plans for halloween?
page 12: the quiz
what kind of trick-or-treater were you back in the day?
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word of the week Guyser:
The urine stream of a man who hasn’t used a restroom in over five hours.
Sarah Shahi & Common
“After downing that yardstick of beer, Rob’s guyser allowed him to pee into a urinal from the opposite side of the bathroom.”
5 Horrors of Higher Academia that Will Probably definitely Happen on your Campus, Too University of Georgia:
Penn State: Betsy Aardsma
Anna Hamilton/Susie Caruthers
The Facts: Young Betsy was a regular young English major, and like any young English major she was spending a late night in the stacks, researching an upcoming paper. Innocently using the stacks the way they’re supposed to be used (not getting high in, or having sex, you sickos) she was stabbed through the heart by two men – who have yet to be found to this day. The Legend: The aisle where Betsy was stabbed is still in use today. Amongst recordings and strange reports coming out of current students, there was one student who had been researching books in the same aisle, and later woke up to a strong sensation of being strangled – whether he was just hiding his autoerotic asphyxiation habit or not is up to you. The Fear: Every campus has an old library that for some ungodly reason still keeps Japanese criticisms of Dutch interpretations of Moby Dick around – it’s the never-ending labyrinth higher education. Since the Internet can’t always provide you with streamlined porn and Moby Dick interpretations, you have
your lug your ass to the library stacks. Alone and confused in the dark, you are extremely susceptible to being stabbed and left for dead, as the rickety librarian leads EMTs to the spot she thinks you might be. There aren’t cameras, and no one knows you’re there… better prepare to make it your place of eternal agitation.
Illinois Central College: Crampton Hall The Facts: A university resident hall, Crampton Hall, was built in 1873 - a cursed year that saw Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis receive a patent for using copper rivets to reinforce work pants. Built to house 69 men, this dormitory has a history of men being trapped in closets. This should surprise no one. The Legend: Two reports of similar tales occurring on different dates exist. In one, a young man is found dead in his closet, hanged in such a way that he could not have done it himself. The other tale has several men pre-gaming in a dorm room. When the bros finally decide to roll out to find some hoes, they
call on another bro. Entering his room, the find him tied up in a closet, upside down, naked, and incoherent. The Fear: Closets are necessary for any modern man or woman. Without them, clothing would be strewn willy-nilly across a room that’s already breathtakingly small. They’re a necessary evil— housing everything from t-shirts earned through intramural sport to t-shirts received by signing up for various campus clubs. Closets aren’t going anywhere. Hell, there’s probably a closet in whatever room you’re reading this in right now, dear reader. If you’re lucky, there’s even a naked dude in it.
California State University Channel Islands The Facts: Opened in 2002, Cal State Channel Islands is housed in a series of buildings previously known as Camarillo State Mental Hospital—an insane asylum. This seemed like a good idea to someone somewhere who had never seen a scary movie in his life.
The Legend: Girls have reported being able to communicate with Anna, and many hear her crying in empty rooms of the house or at the top of the stairs. Susie’s ghost is a little more active, as she glares at people through the attic’s windows, walks around the attic, moves furniture around, and turns lights on and off – typical ghost stuff. The Fear: Who knows what history the building you live in holds. You moved in at the beginning of the year - but think of all the prior occupants, all the creepy energies that have moved in and out, slept where you sleep, hung themselves in the closet you drunkenly peed in last weekend. Ignorance is bliss, sure, but maybe you should think about why all your drawers got pulled out, instead of blaming your drunken self. Maybe you should think twice next time you privately masturbate on Sunday mornings – someone could be watching.
Manhattanville College: Marissa Pagli The Facts: Marissa Pagli was killed in 2010 by her own mother after a domestic argument in the staff housing apartment they shared on campus. Marissa’s mother stated she killed her daughter because Marissa was “disrespectful all the time.” Remember kids, bitches be crazy. The Legend: Other than the mother’s vague reasoning, there’s no real rhyme or reason to this murder. A note that explains the motive has not been released to the public, and the family’s life was seen as stable prior to the murder. Out loud this time, class: bitches be crazy.
The Legend: A variety of ghostly occurrences have happened on the campus, from ghosts dancing in the light only to disappear, to ghosts of the crazy and the dead wandering the grounds. Basically, a lot of ghosts doing scary stuff in a scary place. Also, the cafeteria food at this place is supposed to be pretty sub-par. Stay away from the Italian Veggie soup, it’s definitely not made from scratch. The Fear: What’s the point of even eating soup if it’s coming out of a big plasti—Oh, the ghost stuff. Well, what’s terrifying about that is, we can’t prove whether or not ghosts exist; so even though the idea of one is kind of stupid, someone could
The Facts: Two ghosts are known to haunt different sorority houses on the University of Georgia campus. First is Anna Hamilton, who witnessed her boyfriend get murdered, then buried under the steps of the Phi Mu house. Then, at the Alpha Gamma Delta house, one Susie Caruthers hung herself in the attic after being stood up on her wedding day.
just go and be all, “But you can’t prove they don’t exist!” and they’d be right about that, giving them some sense of selfsatisfaction even though they haven’t proven their crackpot conspiracy theory, and the look of smugness that will inevitably creep across their face is just the worst.
The Fear: It’s a cold, dark night at State University and you’re in your room alone when someone knocks. You quickly minimize the pornography on your computer screen and tiptoe to the door. A sense of dread washes over you as you whisper “Who is it?” hoping desperately that only silence comes from the other side. Then it happens, a response: “It’s… your mother.” Slowly, you begin to realize that you’re in college and you’re living with your parents. If that doesn’t make you want to die, nothing will.
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The Top 10
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ways to college-ify your Halloween 10.) An Actually Thought-out, Prepared, Slutty Costume: When shopping for a costume, go with something unique. There are far too many slutty nurses, cops and fire fighters, that make us think there’s some terrible slutty emergency going on, like a slutty robbery or a slutty fire. Choose something more unique, like a slutty dental hygienist or slutty Oscar the Grouch. 9.) Beer O’Lanterns: The sophisticated college gentleman or lady doesn’t have time to gut giant pumpkins. Instead, just carve faces into empty beer boxes and proudly display them in your dorm. In lieu of candles, just put flaming shots inside to light your pumpkin doppelganger. If these don’t get you laid, they’ll at least start a fire and get slutty fire fighters to come over.
the black sheep guide to the apocalypse: election edition Phil McCracken wrote this November 6th marks the 57th Presidential Election in the United States of America. It’s hard to get a consensus from Americans on who should govern the greatest country in the world for the next four years, but one thing everyone can agree on is that if the WRONG/RIGHT man is elected, it’s the end of the world. We are incredibly smart people at The Black Sheep, yes. But with great smart comes great responsibility. We can’t tell you who to vote for, but we CAN tell you what will happen if you let the wrong person into the White House: the end times. If the wrong man gets into the White House this year, you can count on rampant baby killing/ mandatory ovary surrender for all Americans, and every Sunday will be spent in state-sanctioned church/burning all Christian institutions to the ground. Obviously, we can’t let this happen. But what can we do? PREPARATION: Register to vote. In the battle against the homophobic/successaphobic monster, the only bullet the not-wrong candidate has is your vote. If you don’t register or you think your candidate has it in the bag/isn’t that great anyway, you may as well give a vote over to the other guy, and we all know where that leads: China collecting their debt by selling your sister as a sex slave to Russia, the government placing all gays, women, Muslims, Jews, atheists, Mexicans and poor people in internment camps. Register, yes, but remember to prepare for the worst: stock up on birth control, soap, booze, Korans, porn, freedom, guns, Bibles, straight sex, soda, crucifixes and freedom, just in case. Also toilet paper. You’re really going to want toilet paper when the world collapses. THE BATTLE: You are only one voter in a country with around 150 million other voters. That can be disheartening. But do not let your heart be troubled, little hobbit. There are many ways to make sure your vote counts! For example, the night of November 5th, go to every Republican/ Democrat house you know and nail the doors shut so they can’t get out to vote for the antichrist/ antimuhammad. You could steal the identity of every American that’s ever died and vote a billion times in a row. You could volunteer as a campaign
intern for the wrong guy and act like a complete idiot on TV, just to screw up Romney/Obama fans. The possibilities are as endless as your willingness to steal other people’s ideas. Whatever you do will be totally justified as long as it helps prevent the war on women/the war on Jesus. THE AFTERMATH: If the wrong man gets elected President of the United States, you may as well move to Canada/your summer home in the Cayman Islands. That’s just all progress toward equal rights/a balanced federal budget gone straight to Hell/whatever secret hippie Muslims believe is the opposite of secret hippie Muslim heaven. Say goodbye to condoms and healthcare/Christmas and small businesses, and hello to 1950s era civil rights/a thousand years of darkness as promised by Chuck Norris himself. If the wrong man gets elected it’s possible - nay, likely - that he will personally end your way of life with his stash of guns/telekinesis. If you feel at all threatened, you must disguise yourself as a homeless minority on welfare/WASP for the next four years to avoid persecution. The stakes are incredibly high this election. We can no longer stand idly by as politicians threaten to plunge us into another bloody war/kill all our fetuses. It’s our duty as Republicans/Democrats nay, as Americans - to keep the wrong man out of our pockets/uteruses and make sure this powerful/peace-loving nation is in a fit condition to pass on to our children/grandparents on Medicare/Oh my God you did not go there/Oh, like you’re any better, manipulating everyone with your children talk/Well, we won’t have any left if your kind keeps aborting/And we won’t have any grandparents left if your guy’s economic plan goes through/His economic plan is sensible and I’m sick of paying for lazy assholes like you to go to the doctor/Real nice, and I guess you’re sick of paying for schools in struggling areas too/The MARKET will speak for the distribution of federal funds/America is not a business you goddamn idiot/Maybe it would be in better shape right now if we ran it like one, you socialist prick/I’ll kill your face/I’ll kill your religion/I’ll kill your baby/I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, OBAMA IS A BABY KILLER/ROMNEY HATES POOR PEOPLE/ It is so on, baby-killer/See you at the polls, homophobe/ I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I!?
8.) Bobbing for Condoms: Bobbing for apples is boring, give the game a sexy shake-up! Just be extra careful that no one chokes or drowns - a dead girl surrounded by condoms is never a good thing. Wait until later when you can drown her in compliments and suffocate her with charm. 7.) The Drunken Mummy: Ladies, are you tired of boys making you bob for condoms? You should be able to have some fun too, so try this: Pretend to seduce guys with your friends and say it’s “sooo hot” when guys wrap themselves up like mummies. To really get the party started cover them in booze! By the end of the night you can have 20 guys wrapped up like idiots drunkenly bumping into things. 6.) Vodka Candy Apples: Put a spin on your family tradition! Just stir some vodka into melted caramel and dip in your apples to perfection. A 50/50 ratio of caramel to booze should suffice. It probably won’t stick to the apples, but who cares? Just get hammered on caramel booze and throw the apples at cars. 5.) Haunted Frat House: Haunted houses are a must, but be sure to make it a little fratty. Put a bro in each room so that he can freak you out with his peer pressure and bulging biceps. If a giant dude in a Magic Mike costume yelling “CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!” doesn’t scare you, I’m afraid you’re not human. 4.) Over-the-Top Vandalism: As an adult, people expect your Halloween pranks to be incredibly mean and dangerous, so now’s the time to turn things up. Throw some beer bottles through windows, slash some tires, and give out broken glass to trick or treaters. Candy will work in a pinch, but don’t forget to pee on it! 3.) Never Ending Drunken Corn Mazes: To make your Halloween corn maze is a smash hit, make sure there’s no exits and every dead end has a near impossible drinking game. “You hit a dead end, take five shots in your butt!” By the end, you and your friends should be super wasted and fall out of that corn maze glad to be alive.
2.) Petite Pumpkin Shooters: Make getting drunk a bit more festive by hollowing out tiny pumpkins and gourds into pumpkin shooters. Now drinking in the streets is a breeze! Should you get stopped by an authority figure, just smash your squishy chalice in his face and run. Public intoxication isn't a big deal, but assaulting a cop is, so run fast! 1.) Trick or Boozing: As you get older, people give you stranger and angrier looks as you beg for candy. As an adult you can just go to peoples’ houses and they’ll be obligated to offer you a drink - it’s common courtesy! If they don't, just yell TRICK and burst in through the door. Rummage through their liquor cabinet and take what you can carry. Remember: it’s not illegal, because it’s Halloween!
scoop chang wrote this
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
THURSDAY! New Karaoke w/ Cowboy Dereck 2 for 1 Margaritas $4.99 Lunch Combo, $6.99 Lunch Fajitas
MONDAY! Wingday Monday! $0.25 Wings, $1 Pabst Blue Ribbon Pints, $4 PBR Pitchers DJ Downstairs @ 9 in The Piano Bar
THURSDAY - SATURDAY $1 PBR and Keystone Free Power Tower on Birthdays!
THURS, 10/18
New Karaoke w/ Cowboy Dereck 2 for 1 Margaritas $4.99 Lunch Combo, $6.99 Lunch Fajitas
Wingday Thursday! $0.25 cent wings, $1 Pabst Blue Ribbon Pints, $4 PBR Pitchers Karaoke Downstairs in the Piano Bar at 9
$1 PBR and Keystone
FRI, 10/19
2 for 1 Margaritas $4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas
$2 “Pre Game Shots” from 8-10 Dueling Pianos downstairs in the Piano Bar at 9 Get Some Tamales! 5.99 for 1/2 dozen, 12 for $10.99
$1 PBR and Keystone
SAT, 10/20
2 for 1 Margaritas $4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas
Open @ Noon! All Burgers Half Price Until 4 2 for 1 Margaritas until 7 $3 “Rebelution” drinks from 8-10 Dueling Pianos Downstairs in the piano bar at 9
$1 PBR and Keystone
SUN, 10/21
$4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas
Open at Noon - 9 on Home Football Weekend $4 Fireball Shots All Day Long!
$1 PBR and Keystone (Only Open on Home Game Weekends)
MON, 10/22
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Wingday Monday! $0.25 Wings, $1 Pabst Blue Ribbon Pints, $4 PBR Pitchers DJ Downstairs @ 9 in The Piano Bar
$4 Car Bombs
TUES, 10/23
$4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas $1 Margaritas w/ purchase of an entree ($8 or more)
Taco Tuesday! Blackened Mahi, Fried Shrimp, Beef and Cheese, and Veggie Tacos only $1 each $2 Wells and Domestic Beers
2 for 1 Wells
WED, 10/24
$4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas $1 Margaritas w/ purchase of an entree ($8 or more)
Happy hour Until 7 After 7: Drink specials change every 30 minutes on the Specials Wheel! Signature Burgers are Half Price until 10
$3 Shots Pool League @ 8pm
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TUESDAYS: $10 Burgers & Bottomless Beer LADIES NIGHT! 2 for 1 Wells 2 for 1 Shooters (slammers, lemon drops) Beer Pong League
SPECIAL NIGHT
$6 Hamburger (w/ Chips or Fries) 2 for 1 Drinks
Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
$1 Shot Night 2 for 1 on Everything until 9pm Penny Pitchers 9-10pm
Power Hour (9-10): $1 PBR & Keystone $1 shots, $2 Coors Tall boys DJ Gordo
THURS, 10/18
$6 1/2 lb. Footlong Chili Cheese Dog (w/ Chips or Fries)
Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
2 for 1 on Everything until 9pm Penny Pitchers 9-10pm
$1 PBR and Keystone DJ Wade
FRI, 10/19
$6 Don Vito - Seared Chicken, Sauteed w/ Onions and Tomatoes in White Wine (w/ Chips or Fries)
Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
2 for 1 on Everything until 9pm Penny Pitchers 9-10pm
Cornhole Tournament for a free bar tab!
SAT, 10/20
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Flip Sunday: Call it right, the drinks are on us!
Only Open on Sunday on Game Day Weekends!
SUN, 10/21
$6 Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich (w/ Chips or Fries)
2 for 1 Frozen Margaritas Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
$10 Pitcher of Beer and 18 wings 2 for 1 domestics
$2 Pitchers and $0.25 Wings
MON, 10/22
$6 Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich (w/ Chips or Fries)
2 for 1 Domestics Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
Beer and Shot Night Buy a Beer, Get a Free Shot
$10 Burgers and Bottomless Beer LADIES NIGHT! 2 for 1 Wells 2 for 1 Shooters (slammers, lemon drops) Beer Pong League
TUES, 10/23
$6 Jumbo BBQ Sandwich (w/ Chips or Fries) $1 PBR & Keystone
2 for 1 Wells Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
Flip Wednesday: Call it right, the drinks are on us!
Whiskey Wing Day! FREE Wings and $3 Whiskey Drinks
WED, 10/24
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bartender of the week Hannah P. round table Age: 21 Major: Risk Management and Insurance Favorite drink: Sex on the Beach Favorite shot: Lemon drop. It's not too extravagant but I love it. Theme song: "Pursuit of Happiness" by Kid Cudi Celebrity you want to punch: Like, in the face? Mike "The Situation." Ideal vacation spot: The Galapagos Island. I love to surf and they have badass surfs out there.
the drinking game
BAC - Tosh.08 Comedy Central has a tendency to play day-long marathons of reruns before getting to the shows people actually want to watch (South Park). If you’re lucky, you’ll turn on Comedy Central to find a run of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Futurama episodes. However, if you’re not so lucky you will be forced to watch a marathon of a naked Daniel Tosh making tasteless dick jokes. Doesn’t he know that’s our job? What You’ll Need: Cans of beer or mixed drinks, whatever you so desire. Number of Players: As many people you can find that like drinking and internet videos. Level of Intoxication: If you follow all of the rules than you should be as drunk as the average idiot in most internet videos. How to Play: Take one drink when: -Somebody hurts themselves in a video. -Something is blurred/bleeped out. -Tosh makes a self-deprecating joke. Take two drinks when: -Tosh makes a racist joke. -Tosh hints at his homosexuality.
Take three drinks when: -Tosh says, “And for that, we thank you.” -Somebody in a video is speaking Russian. -Somebody in a video is clearly almost killed. Finish your drink when: -Tosh is fully nude. -Tosh’s “20 Seconds on the Clock” actually lasts more than 20 seconds. -The word “Reddit” is spoken.
The Game Ends When: Karmic justice comes around and he’s decapitated by Islamic fundamentalists on video.
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Favorite pizza topping: Pepperoni, classic. Life motto: "What happens, happens." What did you want to be when you grew up: Dentist. What are you going to be for Halloween?: I think I'm gonna be a devil. Favorite Disney character: Definitely Ariel from The Little Mermaid. Favorite movie: Old School Craziest thing you've seen at The Round Table: This kid just turned around and jacked one of our bouncers in the face, it was nuts.
Recipe for Disaster
Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies This is one that you’ll want to share with friends, but if you have no friends, you can still put yourself up to the challenge. That challenge being a competition between your arteries and your colon to see which one can get clogged first. What You’ll Need: ¾ cups flour, ½ teaspoon baking soda, ¾ teaspoon baking powder, ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons butter, ½ cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar, ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons brown sugar, 1 egg, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, ½ cup chocolate (dark, for you wild and crazy types) morsels, 8 slices of crispy bacon Cook Time: Approximately 35 minutes. Fatty Factor: Didn’t you read the intro, fatty? Let’s Get Baked: - Toss the flour, baking soda, and powder into a bowl. - Whip that butter and sugar good until you get a nice, fluff-like concoction. Add an egg for good measure and go all Devo on it. Give that vanilla some love too. - Your flour/baking soda/powder mix is feeling lonely. Toss it in with the wet stuff. - Douse that sucker generously with chocolate and bacon (make this phrase a part of everyday life). - Let this all sit in the fridge for a day. - Preheat your oven and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. - Scoop your mix and cup some balls. - Bake ‘em to your perfection for around 20 minutes, and let them cool before devouring. It’ll take a few minutes for the stroke to kick in but when it does, just ride out the storm.
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What costume are you wearing for Halloween? “The magic carpet from Aladdin so that Arabian princesses will ride me.” - Bryan F., Senior
“A sexy baby. Like an infant.” - Olivia M., Freshman
“Psy from Gangnam Style.” - Alex M., Junior
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the interview
owen
Owen is the solo project of Chicago-based Mike Kinsella. Known for his soft melodies and complex acoustics, Kinsella is an influential force in the indie scene. His most recent album, Ghost Town, can be downloaded on iTunes or streamed at polyvinylrecords.com. Otherwise, catch him touring the east coast October through December. (Catch him on Twitter @mybandOwen) By: Quinn The Black Sheep: Your first few bands were with your family - a couple with your brother and cousin, what started that? Did you guys start playing when you were little kids? Owen: Oh yeah, my brother is a couple of years older and he started a high school band that practiced in our basement. I would sit upstairs, pick up a guitar and try to play along. Then eventually they realized I could play all their songs, so I joined as second guitar... and then they were the only people I played for the first five years of my career. TBS: You eventually had to take over, because you’re pretty damn good at guitar. Owen: The other guy is actually way better at guitar than I am Victor Villarreal, and he’s played in multiple bands as well - he’s pretty fantastic. TBS: But you’ve got some pretty intricate guitar tabs and lyrics one must pay attention to, does that call for a more intimate crowd? Do you ever get frustrated with bigger crowds? Owen: Yeah, [laughs] I shouldn’t say this, but it used to bum me out, like depress me. Every so often I’d get crabby and make an asshole remark on stage or something. But I’ll just play my songs for the people trying to pay attention - so I play the best I can for them. TBS: So you’ve moved from recording in a studio, to recording at home, and back to the studio. What did you like about recording at home? Owen: I wanted to learn how to do it, first of all. I think it helped me understand, helped me write songs - to understand the process of recording them. Like putting different layers on top of things, the capabilities of cutting and pasting and looping.
But eventually I got too stagnant, and I never got too good at it, so I thought I should probably just pay the professionals. I spent too much time setting up mics and looking for the sound I heard in my head. Someone who knows what they’re doing could do it in their first try. TBS: Are there any songs that work a lot in the studio, but don’t transfer to the live show? Owen: Oh yeah, I mean most of them [laughs], it’s kind of a joke and kind of not - there are a bunch of songs that I never bothered learning after they went on the album, because halfway through the song another guitar or something comes in that completely changes the song - so if we did that live there’s no effect - it’s either not going to be there or not be the same effect. TBS: For your most recent album, Ghost Town, you were married and had just become a father, did that affect the album at all? Owen: Definitely changed the content of the lyrics - instead of talking about failed relationships and pining over girls - it’s more about being in a relationship, and the good things and struggles with that. Having a kid is a total mindfuck, like, a lot of my stuff is faith-based: me struggling with not having a faith, but wanting to have one. You want there to be an afterlife and a purpose to all this, so it definitely changes the content. Like my daughter is going to a Catholic preschool, so she’ll come home and ask things like “Can we sing songs about the father?” She doesn’t really know what that means, so it’s kind of funny. TBS: You’re pretty active on Twitter. How has that changed your relationship with the fans?
Owen: I like Twitter; my Facebook page isn’t really me, but my Twitter is. There are some days where I don’t really post anything, then I’ll have a couple beers, watch a movie, and post like a hundred things. It can be a very personal thing, nothing bums me out more than when I follow someone I think highly of, and all they do is try to sell you stuff or promote stuff… And I’ll post when I have a show in different places, but I don’t want to bombard people with that administrative stuff. TBS: So where can people buy shirts and records and stuff? Owen: You can pretty much find everything at polyvinylrecords. com!
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the quiz: what kind of trick-or-treater were you? Every October 31st, people, normally kids, dress up and walk around collecting candy from strangers and neighbors because, well, America rules. But not every punk-ass kitty or pro-basketball player always played nice. Take our quiz to find out what kind of kid you were when you trick or treated back in the day.
8) Did you ever trade your candy? a) Not really. b) I always talked kids into giving me their Snickers for a stupid Tootsie Roll. c) Oh yeah! That was half the fun at the end of the night!
6) What did you use to collect your candy? a) The biggest pillowcase I could find! b) Eh, my pockets and… stuff. c) This lame bag my mom sewed for me.
7) a=3, b=1, c=2 8) a=1, b=2, c=3
9) a=3, b=1, c=2
answer key
5) Who would you go trick-or-treating with? a) Just a few trustworthy friends... b) All sorts of kids from my group of friends and the neighborhood. c) A bunch of lame neighborhood kids.
9) On November 1st you see an elderly man cleaning up toilet paper in his lawn. How do you respond? a) I totally help to clean up. b) It’s not my problem, so I don’t care. c) I just giggle.
5) a=2, b=3, c=1 6) a=3, b=2, c=1
3) What was your go-to last minute costume as a child? a) I’d just throw on a mask. b) A sports fan. c) I was always prepared and I never had some half-assed costume.
7) How would you respond to the old lady who handed out nickels? a) Aww, I thought it was still so sweet of her. b) I was like, “Whatever, can I leave yet?” c) I liked them, it made for great ammo.
3) a=2, b=1, c=3 4) a=1, b=3, c=2
2) How far in advanced would you plan your costume? a) I’d start brainstorming in July and have a solid plan by September. b) A few days before, but then change my mind at the last minute. c) Like 10 minutes before I went out.
4) Did you ever do anything naughty on Devil’s Night? a) Nah, I’d be playing video games inside. b) No way, I’d be putting the final sequins on my costume. c) Smashing pumpkins was more than just a band name, after all.
1) a=1, b=3, c=2 2) a=3, b=2, c=1
1) What was your favorite part about Halloween as a child? a) School that day was a huge joke. b) Everything!!! c) Pranking people was socially acceptable.
9-14 Points: The Kid Who Didn’t Dress Up
You cynical bastard. You were either too cool to care about a costume, or you really just had no desire to get off the couch for a few hours to gather free candy. When your parents forced you out, you barely threw a sheet over your head and shrieked “Boo!” to the smiling little old lady who still put a Bit-O-Honey in your basket. Today you spend a lot of time smoking weed on the couch, and have strong feelings about the election.
15-21 Points: The Kid Who Tricked
An immature prick of a kid, you thought candy was dandy but toilet papering and egging a house was a lot more rewarding. The folks who left out a bowl of candy and relied on the honesty of kids to take only one piece got screwed over by your punk-ass. And to top it all off, handfuls of kids went home crying because you stole their candy just because you could. Today you have at least one misdemeanor under your belt, and have never stayed faithful to a significant other.
22-27 Points: The Kid Who Was Too Old
Even when you were of an appropriate age, you had an enthusiasm about Halloween that wasn’t seen amongst other kids. As you got older, you didn’t really know when, or how, to stop trick-or-treating, and you didn’t think it was a big deal. Most parents didn’t like that you still took their mini-Musketeers every October 31st, but no one could deny your passion. Today you have a lot of underage friends, and really don’t think the dorms are that bad!
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